Late August 2019

8-20-19

A few minutes before i put on a dress and bring snack trays to my father’s 91st birthday party.  I just posted two videos . . from different points of view about the squad press conference.  No one knows better than I how dishonest , and worthy of cynicism the far left can be inpursuit of its aims  . . especially here in MN, and Im a causualty of that, but I am approving of the way they brought the realities of the Isreali/ Palestinian issue into conciousness here in America . . . I hope it inspires some significant debate and challenges the incrimental shut down and increasing penalty of dissent on US Isreali policies.  It is brilliant.

8/22

Very blue. I should not have gone to that party.  I felt phoney and judged . Although everyone was gracious I did overhear some comments, and see some hidden supressed laughter .  I dont know if this is new business, if there’s been some renewed “the truth comes out at last”  or if its very, very old business that theyve finally become aware of.  Perhaps my political opinions didnt sit well. But then . . . why did my uncle ask me my opinions on current events.  I was glad for Dad’s sake that this party went well for him.  But I was left feeling pretty worthless.  This family has always judged me as so.

I had a little brandy when i returned home. At the liqour store I saw two Musli women in Hijb parked in front of the liqour store. That struck me as peculiar. Muslim women dont frequent liqour stores. I thought perhaps they had driven some one, but no one was in the store.  Perhpas they were doing Map Quest, pulling into the parking lot to get their bearings??  Or make a call?  Or . perhaps i was being tracked?? I had expressed some strong  opinions in my (supposedly private) 2019 St. Cloud journal, which is a loosely structured narrative of the things that led to controversy in 1998.  According to stats it has had no visitors . . but there is no privacy any more, everything can be hacked by interested parties.

I swear one of the women was a dead ringer for Omar. Our congress woman in the news.

I took a tumble on my bike and spent some slightly paranoid hours ruminating on possibilities . . .wishing I could escape and leave a cold trail. Wondering if i was in danger.  I watched West side story and that cheered me up . . . things have not changed so much. Gender roles perhaps.

Ive been losing it lately.  I did so well under pressures all Spring, now suddenly Im alientating everyone with my goofiness, and messaging when i have a few.  Not angry, just goofy thinking. Tryng to be positive and friendly, but i feel so very sad these days. Like it is all useless. Like my days are numbered. That this bit of peace will not last long.

8/25  The nearly suicidal depression and despair and feelings of being messed with, put down, debased despite all my efforts to reach out to others, tht feeling has passed.  I am eager this morning to live, to work out in the garden, excited by small things. I found a bunch of large tomatoe cages i can use for compost silos. I have some weeding to do, some bird feed to get, some string for the weeder, I have a peach cobbler to make for Dad,a swim to get in, a letter to get out to Darrell.  I slept the night in the den, with all its tobacco and sage scent and woke to sunlight streaming through the curtains . . .and a sense of peace and purpose again.  I have much to do in the the next few weeks.  I intend to avoid opinionating on current events . . . too many tell me it’s entrapment, so i can be demonized ( once again) and then  isolated as too ‘toxic’.  Don’t take the bait i hear.  Don’t be set up . . . i ought to be an old hand at this, and truthfully it’s my own fault if i fall into it.  My script is not going to be re action to the powerfull, or people in my life that dissapoint, do and say things that are destructive or hurtfull . . its going to be celebrating the joy of now. Enjoying the joy of being a joyfull karen.

8 26

wow.  I had one hell of a dream.

I was looking after my Dad, who was in a wheel chair. We were in fairly nice accomodations, with a court yrd gardens and fountain.  He kept rebeling and running off.  At one point I was over looking the courtyard from the shade and the Native  actor Zahn McSomething or other came up behind and began to strangle me.  This was real in the dream. But he stopped short, although he continued to keep me in a choke hold. There was some woman with him .  He pointed out this pillar in the garden I was looking at. More like a oblesk.  he told a story about how this had once been a totem pole, and this area a sacred site.  he said that people would have visons there. As i looked at the pillar I saw its veneer disapear and i saw Japanese artwork.  I told this to  Zahn, and he and the woman scoffed.  They admitted they had made the whole thing up and that dumb white girls always fell for that mystical shit.

Notes.

Wow.   There’s a lot going on here. But i think Ill save my insights into the interpretation untill later.

Wow.

8/29/19

Luna said if i felt like I was being tracked I should have fun with it. Come over and hang out at Golden Gloves. Oh crap, she’s hanging out with boxers . . . Luna said they need some one to mind the kids, that i could just use the excersize bikes if i wanted.  I see a kind of hope in this . . go over to golden gloves, which is next to the liqour store.  do some aerobics and send the kids Im supposed to mind over to the liqour store for me.  What a plan!!

Back to dream.  Oh boy.  Well , it doesnt take genius to see the symbolism of the pillar / totem pole. Classic phallic symbol.

Pillar may have to do with ‘pillar of society’ .  So what Zahn is saying is that the pillar is a recent veneer. That the site was far older and where the pillar stood had been a totem pole.

The setting of the dream suggested a mediteranean villa.

( Rome?)  . Promted by Zahns history lesson I begin to see the veeer crumble and Japanese art and writting  apear. This may be prompted by listening to a recent Graham Hancock lecture on the older civilization he is convin ced was wiped out by cataclysm, and then shared by the survivors with hunter gatherers still living.  And of course, it is the hunter gatherers that survive catyclsim best.

The pillar of course is Daddy.  The totem pole is Darrell. Now why am i being strangled.

Darrells nick name in Minneapolis was ‘the strangler.’ He had a rep for choking his girlfriends.  Lavonne confirmed an incident for me she witnesses.  I was choked by Darrell in Seattle, altho my memory is sketchy.  badly enough that my eyes were bloodshot and I was very hoarse and sore in my throat.  There were also suspicions of his his involvement in other incidents in the North West.  All this is known to FBI, who chose not to persue this, rather cover it up.

Strangulation could also be interpretted as ‘shut up’. or censorship, silencing.  Zahn probably represents the Native Independent film that was lossely  associated with Sherman Alexi. They certianly did not like one bit my coming to Bellingham and the way i wrote of our life there.