June 2017 . . almost

20 05 2017

Cart is packed up and am ready to do the market . . . at last.  Not feeling too great.  I went down to Old Town for breakfast  . . just to make an appearance at the coolest breakfast spot in town, where all the intellectuals, the journalists and townys go.  it’s important to be seen, just so they know your still functioning.  The breakfast was too spicy.  It gave me heartburn and then the runs.  Im still trotting to the john.  But we are off to do the hat thing.  I went to Northwest Yarns and got some specialty yarns . . instead of ragfinery for second hand . . . and it feels wonderful to be doing my thing again the way i used to.  Im ready to sew too as soon as i have some time.  yesterday was supposed to be sew day but I spent most of it laying around in hip pain , ankle pain and gut pain.

I was expecting darrell to show up.  His folks said he was headed back.  I checked his place.  The music was still on. No sign of Darrell.   Then i got a message . . he was still in jail.  I could have written him if Id known that.

I am feeling better the past few days.  Ive gotten in some swimming.  My landlord drastically lowered my rent making it posssible for me to travel and still keep my place.

Ive been following the news, spending much time on u tube but no time or inclination to explore my opinions on many topics of interest.

Monday

Feeling much better.  I’ve been swimming every day , trying to take better care of myself and I don’t look and feel so terrible about myself.  I will talk to darrell by phone this afternoon and find out what his plans are and what i can do to help.  I rescued a pot roast from his fridge yesterday ( and a lot of pot)  and threw out all the milk and spoiling foods.  I almost spent the night there just out of grief, which I am not allowing myself to fully feel or let go of.  I am reviewing so many things now i cannot write of here.

Wednesday

Today is my last day at the Dudleys.  I will miss them.  Last Saturday i dug up some of thier overgrown garden and now i am headed over to the co op to get some starts and flowers.  My parting gift.

Darrell is headed back with Rhonda according to her postings.  So i will let them alone. I will be gone before too long for I don’t know how long, could be weeks or maybe even months.  so i won’t see them much.

Despite all my persistant painfull attempts to contact Darrell , about what to do with his stuff, his apartment . . . It’s brutally and painfully apparent  that i have been completed erased from his life now with the support of his circle of friends and workers.  Am I SOOOO TERRIBLE??   I believe I was worthy of greater respect, but if it isn’t there then Im not going to make a fool of myself trying to plead and beg.  I have my dignity. I was good to that man for 20 years, never once did I do anything to be ashamed of, not one infidelity.   There was no reason so many people had to act that way unless they just wanted to hurt me and create confusion and stress in my heart . I am supposed to be that woman who created all these problems for Darrell and messed him up . . therefore they needed to retaliate and circle around him and cast me out.  that’s their line. or at least Darrell’s line.  I think it’s the other way around . . and if it were ever really looked into it would reveal a very disturbing picture.  But some how i will survive.

Even if the majority of people here in Bellingham buy the propaganda about ‘all the stuff she did.  I have heard this and that story’    and insist on treating me socially like a joke they have ‘exposed’  I will survive.     It only tells me that these are people who are rather shallow and willingly conned, or seem to need a hated inferior . . and therefor not people with much greatness in them and no one I would want to be with.  Unfortunetly, the people who understand the great con the best are tricky people,and have a first hand familiarity with evil and deception. However, i still feel that love is the anecdote . . .and that it triumphs.  We all have the potential for nourishing and loving . . and destroying too.  I find happiness in nourishing the people I take care of.  The hugs i get from clients.

The oddities of the dudleys in the declining years.  I try to nourish myself . . it seems like a war . . between the parts of me that self nourish . . and the parts that self destruction, that tamp down the fullest expression of my own portion of universal light. But so it is.

 

 

I have lost friends the past few months . . . I feel that I am defending myself against, or taking a stand against people who have played with my life, or who may have alterior motives and i have not put energy into forging new friendships much, Ive been grumpy and dazed and rather closed with co workers.

 

May 30

Only a few minutes before work.  In a lot of pain in my back and hip this morning.  Hard to get walking and moving.  Pretty much all packed.  Ive been in constant contact with Darrell’s kin and i guess he was drinking a lot, got in a wreck, rolled his car, went to jail with Dallas.  At Olena’s advice, I moved some of darrell’s stuff over to my place for safe keeping.  She didn’t think, the way he was going, that he would be coming back.  Yesterday was the first day I finally got in touch with him.  He is drying out.  Will be coming back with his nephew. Which nephew i don’t know. I will be headed East when he gets here.  I am finally over all the emotional trauma and enjoying the quiet of my apartment the past few days.  The birds and plants have found a good home.  Most everything is in order.  I am still too fat, and still drinking too much on and off this month . . i wanted to go home as healthy and trim as i could but it will not be.  At least ui have some new clothes.  Darrell will probably pick up with his anger right where he left when he gets here . . . cussing me down for moving hi stuff over to my place . . . but he never bothered to call, no one around here told me what was going on with his plans, his place or anything up here . . .so i had to rely on what his aunt suggested.  he will have to come over and get his stuff.  he has a key.  people think i don’t already know what he really was up to with me and my world up here . . . I always knew, but it was useless to speak of it, even dangerous, and no one listened anyway so i adapted.  perhaps I made myself believe in a romeo and Juliet love story simply to deal with the reality.  But i was aware of darker energies, I never missed much.  Perhaps the attachment was a kind of Stockholm syndrome, perhaps it was real . . for most of the years i was up here it felt real, painfully real and as i have often said . . compared to what other people seemed to be doing . . Darrell seemed like my one human connection that made life sustainable.  Its funny now, when I do not find find myself thinking about the Sioux so much in comparison to the many years i sought thier goodwill . . now i actually have a much better and familier relation with his family.

 

June 31st

Got a nice letter from sister Kate. Wow.  Her life is so very different from Mine . . . so energetic, going to events, hikes, runs, concerts , dances and museums and vacations all the time.  Just watched Mike Moore’s doc.  I have to admit . . . he makes a compelling and entertaining documentary.  Norway . . Italy . . . France . . . Germany . . they finally got their approach to living right in comparison to miserable us.  Where do I go for vacation the past few years . . . central Minnesota!!  Trips across the rockies.  Did i ever do anything bold and new and exploratory the past few years.  Just obbess and travell down the same well worn paths . . why not strike out for the South West?  Go and see Chaco Canyon?  Why not go to Fing Italy?  Shoot i haven’t even been back to visit oregon . . not Even Seattle very much.  Wow.  Last night i went to Boudary Bay Bistro and Pub with some of my clients to watch them do a music thing.  Why the hell wasn’t i going out to Bounday Bay all the time?  Because . . . I would have had to go alone? Did i ever ask a co worker to out at Night? Or any of the tenents here?  Jack would have loved to go. Because i felt unpopular . . . and it felt awkward to go alone?    Because i was always tired at night?  Well . . that’s true.  Maybe i will go out to Boundary Bay tonight . . .Ill grab somebody to go with.

And i WILL strike out and make some road trips now  . . . I will go where no
Egerman has ever gone before. Before i kaput.  I will have a car . . i can go where i want.

June 5

St. Cloud.  It’s been hot. Thunderstorms tommarrow. I spent most of the day updating my resume, and listening to Moms fragmented remeniscences.  Put a nice dinner on the table. Dad said he would be going to an appointment in the morning and i replied;

“Don’t worry.  I’ll make sure she gets her medications.”

Mom went into kind of a growl . . .saying don’t treat me like a baby or I’ll . . THROW YOU OUT.  Jeez . . . I’ve hardly gotten here and already she’s starting her threats to throw me out . . . which is inevitable.  They ALWAYS do that . . .dispite all the talk about how much they want me to come back . . . good thing I didn’t let go of my place.  I was feeling pretty good, chatting at the dinner table like old times . . . forgetting what a pschological torture chamber my life really was behind closed doors . . . . Then she gets that smug look of satisfaction on her face once she’s had her moment of threat and bullying.  The sad thing is . . . . so many women are like that. The have that inner need to inflict pain . . . .My mother is not unique.  i saw sooooo much of this in Washington.  It’s evil. and you can always tell by the eyes . . . the look of smug satisfaction once the pain has been delivered.

Probably jealousy.  I made a nice dinner.  Dad liked it.  She always hated that.  Maybe I’ll go for a swim tonight. Im not hurt or anything . . . just irked that this k9ind of energy found it’s way into my head once again.  Tommarow I planned to look for work. I’m all set. Got a new hair cut and some excersise and rest.

Poor Dad.  One of his eyes is completely gone.  No sight at all.  He looks exhausted, yet he spends all of his day outside working in the yard.  Mom cannot be left alone much . . she can’t take her own medications.  IU don’t know what can I do . . .they wont hire any body but a blind man and a woman in full dementia . . still playing these stupid little games  it is pathetic.  I want to help them.  I was ready to try to make a go of it here in St. cloud for their sake, to be around them their time of need . . but i guess they will have to collapse into tragety because of these patterns they cannot abandon.

Why is it so important to throw Karen out?? Is that what my family lives for?  and it’s so sad to realize that there are so many people just like this.

Dad has promised me the car so I think I will talk to him tommarrow and ask if we can conclude the deal right away in case the inevitable . . .and pathetic . . . well your mother says . . it’s best you leave crap starts . . “what can i do, I have to live with her”

I know i can never ever return to St. Cloud for more than a few days . . . my family simply will not allow it.  I ought to go ahead with Darrell’s designs . . . he wants to in a sense conquer here . . he has a cousin here.  Perhaps i will go look her up.

I mean why bother to protect them because they’re blood.

Wednesday June 7th

Got resume’s finished. Ready to trot and give it a go.  Everything smoothed out . . i should learn by now not to let those moments that trigger a lifetime of trauma get the best of me.  They passed. We all had a pleasent evening.   Spent the evening cutting the grass and edging.  Today, i clean the toilets and showers. Post some resumes.  Called Darrell and asked him for a telephone number of a lady who was my co worker through the Co op and a good reference but he barked and yelled and cussed me for bothering him.  So much for contacting his cousin. Im on my own.  It’s all on me.  I need to be tough and on top of it.  if you try to to talk about or expose the establishment too much around here you already know what they will do . . .usually they beat me to it, Put some kind of horrific charecter demonization out as soon as i get to MN . . . but since i am quiet, I am hoping everyone else will be too. Besides, there is nothing I have to say at this point that the alternative media isn’t doing better. Everyone knows now about the Clinton crime family, the Satanic Pizza gate stuff now being addressed by the attorney general and not just conspiracy nonsense, the chem trails,the awfullness of celebrety culture, the bullshit of media, the death of journalism,  the extremety of the progressive sabotage, the extensive mind controll . . all this stuff that was considered proof of some kind of mentle illness on my part is now commen knowlege . . it is all coming out.  People DO get targeted.  But . . i really don’t care anymore.  My focus right now is be of help to my folks during a difficult time because they really need it and that is what family is supposed to do. So what . .sore spots from childhood, we all have them . . by the age of 60 we should be able to understand and master the emotions they trigger. We should be concious and pro active rather than re active.  So . . Im feeling pretty good this morning.  Healthy. Optomistic. What ever happens,happens.

Thur

Took Mom to a hair stylist this morning and she looks great, like the Mom i used to know.  I trimmed her nails too which were extremely long . . Jeez, she had looked like Miss Havesham for so long.  I cleaned up her private bathroom which was a hoarding nightmare, not to mention all th crap that was splashed everywhere.  She looks beautiful now and vibrant and smiles and when she smiles her big black eyes light up. . . Not so lost and neglected. She was pouting a little over lunch so i backed away from doing to much for the rest of the day.  Dad is out with the neighbor lady planting flowers in the flower garden they tend for the city. her name is Karen, and she is a master gardener.  What a charecter.  Ex school teacher i believe.  I like her.
They, and the many nieghbors that passed by to chat cracked me up with their joking and funny ways.  It is turning out to be a very restorative time. I truely am enjoying my time now.

June 9.  Got a call back on one of my resumes. Yeah. I was starting to feel down . . . Mom was all pouty this morning and sending out bad vibes, Dad and i had a chat about that and my plans. The little speech I anticipated rolled out pretty true to script . . but She seems happy again this afternoon and we enjoyed each other’s company over dinner. I bought fried chicken for lunch and made a teriyaki stir fry for dinner. Went for a swim. Sent out another application.   Perhaps She thought i was drinking on the sly because I kind of burrowed away during the evening.  I have to remember that these behaviors of hers are rooted in past experience with my drinking episodes . . even though I am on good behavior and it seems unreasonable now it has a basis in past history.  I WAS awfull to her sometimes.

June 21st.

Back in Bellingham.

What a miserable trip back! Hurt my hip in Butte.  Did not get the old car, as i was promised.  Mom made a big scene at Perkins when Dad told her i would be buying it.  She insisted she needed it for emergencys and that she could still drive, and would. She was gloating and saying “I won, I won”
Dementia or no dementia, it’s really selfish.  I guess she is sitting on about 60, 000 dollars squirreled away,she doesn’t help with expenses  and Dad cannot pay bills. Neither of them is supposed to drive . . . but there is always the promise of the old car, it’s used as bait and then withrawn . . . this is not the first time and I am angry at myself for even letting myself hope a little that it would be different. Thank god, i had the wisdom in my old age never to put all my eggs in one basket . . . I don’t do that anymore.  it has fucked up my life.  I alway keep something in reserve,a plan B or a bit of distrust.

At any rate I injured myself in Butte and so have not left the house much.  Darrell has been on pretty good behavior during his visits. Soaking up0 some backrubs and meals.  I have no expectations now.  Been watching back to back episodes of Genius, Better call Saul and Fargo. Playing my computer games and cooking up.  I will call Circle of Care today about going back to work but truthfully, I really need this time . . . I could perhaps, just live on S.S.A for a few months . . . catch up on my creative projects, jyust do some beading and listen to music and sew.

 

(later)Rep. Steve Scalise, the guy that was shot at the republican baseball game . . wasn’t he the main guy , a key player in the Pizzagate investigation??  I will have to look into it.

 

Saturday

Was rehired by Circle Co op. Scattered shifts.  Off to the market.  Got Darrell a job and some break lights and new license plates.

Sunday

Had a fun day in the sun. Ran into  numerous people i hadn’t seen in a long time. Amy Gasser, who was running for council woman sat across from me.  She annoyed me a little    last year when she was stumping for Bernie but her approach to local politics was much less confrontational this year. .  She is one of the people that got the tiny house thing going here in WA and has a background in social work so i questioned her about getting Darrell into a tiny house.  I guess they have one started in Lummi reservation and are planning one for Bellingham.  I got her on the phone with Darrell briefly.  She thought she could use her influence, or at least help push it along, but couldn’t guarantee.  It was rather interesting watching political rivals make their entrances and exits.  Thier opponent came by and was really acting like an asshole, really childish.  I guess really childish is in now and no longer an immediate disqualifier.   Here’s to a possible tiny house for Darrell . . .i hope it will, with summer’s ripening breath turn into a beauteous flower.

her

 

 

 

 

 

 





May 2017

11 05 2017

Darrell left for Montana about 3 or 4 days ago.  He simply called and said he wwas leaving with his friend Carl.  I did not hear from him untill yesterday and then the call was brief.  He said he was pushing on to South Dakota.  I gave notice at both jobs and plan to travel around the 24th. I guess that means I won’t be posting any pictures of our nature cruises . . at least not in WA.  No more of my photos documenting Darrell’s life and art. I feel really blocked out all of a sudden.  No returns on calls Ive made trying to find out what’s going on.  Something’s afoot.  I wonder what has caused this shift of mood all around.  I know ive been drinking too much since he left . . . but not crying around.  It’s pretty obvious it’s really, truly over . . . . no more arguing and getting hurt all the time . . but also no more humor, no one to fuss over or share things with.  These people here are still, after all these years, alien to me. As much as I fretted over some of the things Indian country was pulling, and problems that impacted my life I remain closer in understanding with the Sioux ( and some would debate that)  than most people here.  I do hope there is not some nefarious plot in action that I am in denial of . . or last to discover.  It seems like a lot of his Native friends pooled together to fix his car and get him out-of-town.

5-14

What a relief . . sort of.  Darrell fell off the wagon.  Made it to his rez. Got arrested for fighting and thrown in jail for a few days.  I guess its a pretty rough jail .  His brother Dallas is there too.

They are in there together. God . . . i wonder what is running through his mind right now.  Remorse??  Are his dreams of going back and taking his place and getting that house and helping is family shattered?? Is one quick stroke he is back to being homeless, drunk and criminalized.  He was sober quite a long time . . .

I too have had so much running through my mind.  I too have been feeling shattered .  I went over to his place yesterday and the emotions were too deep .  i couldnt take it I ha to leave.  Perhaps there is still time to rescue it . I have called and called his workers but since they have not called back . . . ( nor has Paul)  there is nothing i can do. Is all this planned? Did he give instructions to his people not to include me further?  At least his family was quick to track hi down when i called and quick to get on the phone and let me in on his where abouts.  The Lakota are better, really swift  that way . . . . than the rest of these assholes who insist on controlling social reality up here.

I look like hell too, like a destroyed ugly old frump.  Feeling lost and baffled.  But I feel better this morning since Curtis called, and Darrell’s cousin as well.  I guess he lost his phone charger . . that explains why no calls.

Worked all night.  Carrying on despite everything.  I have the logistics of my own journey to work out now.  Went down to d.s.h.s. and did the paperwork to get my health premiums covered again and food stamps started up for upcoming months.  Also completed all the paperwork for social security review . . . . please, please let them keep me on social security.  Im going to need it next month.  Why do i have to choose between rescuing Darrel’s place or mine when I need to travel too.  I being hit up by everyone right now  . .feels like a collective punishment . . . lawsuit, rent incease, social security review that may cancell my benifits, and now . . . . no real income for June if that social security is cancelled.  So what I am doing . . saving?  Being frugal?  Not at all. Spending selfishly on clothes and booze.  Not this week however . . . . .Feeling better, on track . .not like a deer  in the headlights watching everything crumble into disaster.

May 17

have been perusing this kind of material and want to explore it more in depth.





April 2017

4 04 2017

April 2
At last, all the trees in bloom!! Simply being alive is a joy when spring unfolds. ( April is the cruelest month?) Today will be the last day for play and housekeeping catch for a while. I have a busy schedual ahead.
Been recieving some vauge shut up or else threats lately from unexpected people, but i know the source , and it’s someone with a long standing problem so It doesn’t get to my soul.
Sometimes it seems like you cant even have a friendly conversation with dudes around here . . and they immediately go into “i’ve had enough of your . . whatever’ rampage . . . That’s O.K>
U tube keeps me company. And the peeps i work with.

April 4

Argh. Darrelll hasn’t paid his rent or power.  . He was behind so i wrote out a money order for him . . . he says he’s not going to use it.  It’s only the 4th and already everything has been spent on weed and gambling.  Enough is enough.  I know his family members are coming out and if they find his life in the toilet they will be pissed at me, but, I need to shut all doors now.  Not even a handout.

April 5th

Pay day!! I am made happy again . . it really does not take so much . . only the basics .

Darrell paid his rent and got back on track. yeeeeeeeeahhhhhhhhhh.  Alright.    I switched over to unlimited data on my tablet and put in a few apps for Darrell and let him have it for a while .  now he is in a much happier mood, watching netflicks, listening to Van Morrison, doing Facebutt, playing casino games.  Every once in a while I get a Eureka moment and solve a problem.  Then, what seemed so impossible, so insurmountable suddenly seems so easy . . why did i not think of it, why didn’t i just do this or that . . right in front of me.  The tablet will entertain him at home. God knows I loved that thing . . endless hours of u tube in the wee hours, forbidden history and archeology and all that speculative theory and conspracy menu . . .Anything was endurable, as long as I had my tablet to come home to at night.   well, I needed to take a break anyway.  It was taking precendence over my relationships, personal and social.

Time to do outdoors stuff.  Bike. Read.  Listen to music more.  Get out and photograph.

4-7

I DUNNO.  Has the odor of a false flag to me.

https://sott.net/en317361

https://t.co/uuYJEKrlPa

http://wp.me/pFTDT-4E0

4-13

The whole thing with Assad dropping chemical weapons on his own people . . . it’s like a re run of the Neo Con propaganda about Saddam Hussein.  I researched it a bit last night and some pretty credible journalists were saying it was most likely a Saudi/ Isreali action.

At anyrate, it has false flag written all over it.

Haven’t had a day off for a while now.  Tired.  Had some really fun days at work this week . . and one really awfull one.

I guess one of the stores here bought some of Darrell’s cards and he made an art deal at Tribal images as well.  Good to see him doing that again.  I remembered how we used to go around to the co ops and gift stores putting his cards out.  i was reminded of it yesterday at the Bellingham market . . .I was looking through a rack of homemade cards by local artists and recognized the work of someone I knew.  I thought back to years ago when we were doing that.  It gave me the strangest feeling.  As if who we really were had been overlain with layer apon layer of crud totally obscuring the light of what we were about. . . . our essential energy.  I did a lot once to gain him recognition as an artist.  I believed in him despite everything, even when he was down and out, even when he was spreading all that delusional rage and payback stuff. ( which became THE TRUTH and is still a reoccuring social problem)  .  It took a lot for that light to go out.  Mostly it was the social justice movements that put it out . . because they needed me to be ‘the enimy’.

I could hear the joy and excitement in his voice at these sales when he told me about his day.

I had a great afternoon sunday with Edward and our clients.  Ed and I were chatting it up non stop. I haven’t had such a good time in a long long while.

4-14-17

A few minutes.  Turned the tablet back over to Darrell after a couple of days of reclaiming it.  i get too addicted anyway.  So much to catch up on . . started listening to Icke.  Years ago he was a figure of ridicule, especially about the reptilian stuff but people are listening a bit more now with a solemn mind.

 

4-17-

Really sad today. Really sad.  Darrell had a mini siezure and almost fell into a pot of hot oil on the stove. I caught him and held him up untill he got controll and stopped shaking.  How close he came to a mjor tragety . . major 3rd degree burns.  Still he would not let me take him to the emergency room and refuses to see a doctor.  I feel his time is short, and for the rest of the evening he was the most precious to me.  But he picked a fight in the morning . . of course he said i did . . .and pushed the wrong buttons, or one button too many and i believe we are not even a limited team any more. I am really alone now, but perhaps i have been for a long, long time.  Im getting tough with people who play head games . . my folks  too.  It’s ruined my life. Confronted Dad this morning.  Everyone shedding tears this morning I bet.  I got one more person I need to shut out of my life.  Then, i can restore something of mine.  Everyone warns me that Darrell will wage a campaign . . perhaps he already is doing so  if what Im seeing is true . . .get everyone hating on me when his money is cut off.  SO i need to toughen up.  No sentimentality . . .it will weaken me. I may or may not have anything ahead of me.  But at least I will die on my own terms, not under the thumb of people playing bullshit games with me.

4-21

Some one stold all of my clothes out of the laundry room last night, all of them, even the wet ones . . . O>K>, I forgot them for a couple of hours and some one might have got pissed off and decided to ‘teach a lesson’ to who ever was holding up other’s laundry  or it could have been a specifically hostile act . . . .been picking up on some negative energy this week, even in the grocery store.  Maybe ive been sipping a bit too much wine in the evenings, since Darrell and I had arguement . . . it’s been traumatic. it tends to make me fall asleep right away . . . wow.  Its unbelievable how quickly people rush to judgement.  Like they can’t wait for a reason to ‘retaliate’ and put me down.  Fortunetly it was mostly winter clothing, sweat clothes and sweaters and a lot of socks . . and my favorite jeans darn it, we’re moving into spring now and i have plenty of spring capris and light tops to carry me over.  It began as such a restorative day too . . . I bought a bike, went for a swim, took a long bike ride after i finished with Joan,  even went to Fred Meyer and got some new jeans and shoes.  Made a good pot roast and tried to restore some communication with Darrell, he was planning on coming over . . . but I nodded off . . missed the dinner and lost my laundry too.

Saturday

Woke up to a flat tire.  Figures.  Did the market but rain and gusts shut it down for me before I could make a sale.  Good to get out though.  Spent the rest of the day cleaning up my place and making some stew.  Now i relax.  Very sad still.





March . . . to a different drummer 2017

1 03 2017

1
Checked out apartments in MN. There’s one in Paynesville that appeals to me but that’s a hike to St. Cloud. I believe my cousin lives there and she’s pretty cool. Like her spirit. She used to live with Broughta native man in Denver, now she has a lovely farm. . . checked out some apartments in wilmer at Darrell’s recommendation . . . nope. Affordable but i got the felling it was Mc laughlin just across the Mn side of the border. Might be best to just hoof over there and find an apartment when i get there, AFTER I get a job…. if i go. I am having some fun now at my jobs and I am getting good, confident at last.
Kinda hate the idea of doing MN . .
Contacted Student rentals in St. Cloud and they have 3 bedrooms available in June. Now if Darrell and i rented together and usee the third room as an arts and crafts guest room.. that a little over 300 each . Very cheap. We could have seperate rooms and seperate leases , independent lives but still combine commen activities like cooking and so on and that would be an advantage to both of us. But could we get along?? Do we want to? And could we really befriends and live independent lives?? Minneapolis is only but its toolate to do a hop and a skip away. . . . i suspect Darrell would spend a lot of his time down there. . . yes, as much as i resisted this idea i have to admit.. . it’s the best option for now.

(Later)

well they are going to cut offDarrell’spower on the 7th. He hasn’t paid his bills. . .I contacted his worker but it is too late to get assistance.I contacted his pot dealer too and told him to quite givingDarrell so much credit…he agreed.  he’s a business man but he is also Darrells friend.  Again. . . too late. So Darrell is packing to hit the road.  I am as much to blame as he . . . for not addressing this enabling, the co dependency  months ago instead of pouring out frustrations in journals . . . .should have contacted these people months ago.

without the credit from Paul,  Darrell would have had to consider medical marijuana.  Then he would have had money and yes, he does need it for pain and cataracts an d things .  i too let myself pay out and pay out and then build up resentments . . .i suppose i was afraid he would fall into worse hands if i stopped it.  Going to South Dakota may be the best things for him . . . he’s been hanging on to something that has not given much happiness for quite a while.  Ever since Rhonda left.  He will be O.K..  I have to face what my life has become and face my own role in it too . .

I should have confronted Paul months and months ago.  We ALL enabled him. Paul made a lot of money on it though. Did he at some level , need to prove, no matter how much he professed to like Darrell , that he , a white guy ,was smarter than this dumb Indian and dumb girlfriend.    In south Dakota Darrell will re gain his humor and creativity.  We will see each other again.

(later)  Feeling terrible.  Im losing it this evening.  Feel i cant take it any more.  Letting everyone down  now just when i was doin good.  Chewing on everthing.  dont know what i want.  But i feel better now . . in my own apartment.  By myself.  I just cant do anything more for people right now . . right now i hate caretaking.  last night I was rally happy with it.  yesterday i was happy to contact old friends.  Now i am feeling defensive and suspicious and coming on all mafia like.  I feel like everyone wants something from me and then they fuck with me and all the time i spend doing this takes it’s toll on my spirit . . i get fat and lose my light. Then the bug inspector gets on me again, een though i have no bugs . . she is doing inspections too now so she was in my place and found a blanket too close to the heater and threatened me with evicition shit again . . . she just HAS to keep doing this to me.  she just HAS to.

march 2

Got in a nights sleep. Locked myself away and yelled at the world till i was pooped out, but if the truth be known I haven’t really begun to yell . .. .Now that the Democrats are down and aren’t running a massive smear and psch ops ( which even my native friends understood, right from the start,  as over kill)  I ought to start at the beginning and write it all out . . . How many years was my spirit under assault . . for stuff i didn’t even do . . . to this day i still have to deal with people on a daily basis that accepted what the media called ‘truth’  . .( then bragged about how they finished the job). It was massively wrong.  Even criminal.

Can it really be that that era is finally over??s really truelly over?  That the world really does get what ive been saying about what was happening with me, and others . . .the vicious cultural Maoism that started in Madison and how extreme it got . . . the cult of liberal mockery gone viral and murderous . . . ( I called it John Stewert’s private army) the enormity of people caught up in a witch hunt . . . all that aggression.  and now, after years of being a support for Darrell under circumstances that would try a saint .. being blamed.

for it all.  Now the resistance movement in the Dakotas has collapsed.  There is no feeling of karma  . . just sadness, despite everything. Because it was, for one brief moment a hope rising from despair . . . and now, it’s even more despair . . and gathering anger.  The next chapter could get ugly.  Now America is all about power . . expanding the empire.  And we are in for a different psch op, a different witch hunt, and i fear a horrible future a head.

Saturday

I guess Darrell has an itinerary planned out . . down to Oregon for a while, then New Mexico, then, when the weather is warmer . . back to Standing rock.

It would be nice to see Oregon once again, but I don’t have anyone down there anymore.  All bridges are pretty much burned.  I see there will be a march in D.C and it looks like what was started in Standing Rock will move in a New Direction.  I saw something about reviving AIM .  I had a feeling that things would turn to bitterness and generalized anger , just judging from comments and postings of some people against privelege . . .and i was agonizing over our plans to return to the Midwest in the wake of all that . . .something no one could ever really understand.

But it looks like Darrell is striking out on his own, making his own plans.

But what about Karen.  Where does Karen go now. Stay or go.  There’s been sooooo much manufactured hatred . . . and now the only source of love, however troubled and imperfect is going.  We still love each other so much.  the things we   did once in the name of love, my god.The media got sooo much wrong.  They never understood anything . . or ever really tried. And now Niburu closes in and poof! what the hell did it all matter.

March 5

Had Darrell over for dinner and of course he was playing head games . . threatening to leave all the time, not wanting to eat . . .but I’ve turned a corner, and didn’t get hurt or angry.  I gave him a lantern.  I might get a few more . . they have some that you can crank up or plug into the car.  That way he has light.  I hate the thought of him being in the dark over there when they pull the power . . it seems like his thinking about all this is sooo magical, delusional, his case worker will swoop in tommarrow and find a way to pay the 800 dollar power bill.  Somehow he can continue to blow everything on gambling, then show up begging for money and attack me constantly and still expect me to  . . tio what? that’s what i can’t figure out?

What does he want from me besides money and occasional meals and some body to pick  on when hes lonely and looking for some one to take it out on.  Lanterns make sense right now.  and a cooler with ice packs for food.  Maybe a coleman stove and some batteries for the radio/c.d.

But maybe his social worker WILL swoop in and magically fix things.  She is asking why karen isn’t helping out.  All i ever do is help out.  She means why didn’t Karen pay on your electricity.  Do heavy cleaning in the kitchen.  Of course i am to blame.  It’s not enough.  I did remind him to pay on his bill, I even offered to match what ever he put down on it . . but of course he exploded at my nagging whnever i brought it up.  And I did clean his kitchen, practically everytime i went over.  Why do heavy cleaning and wash the ceiling and stuff if he’s going to lose his lease for failing to pay his power bill?If he’s planning to leave.  if he throws me out everytime i visit.

I will wait and see what happens.  I think the best thing he could do is begin his travels.  I want to remember other times . I feel sadness for them whenever i think of them but that was then and this is now . He still talks about us moving to Mobridge once he gets things together . . . but there’s no love fotr me there.  Im blamed for everything.  I treated him good . . .but he went out of his way to make his family , and people here feel that he was being neglected and abused , or that i was ‘easy’ when in fact during the whole of our relationship i never once ran out on him . . . .and there’s a lot of people who bought into all this, and refuse now to concider that they might have been wrong.  By orchestrating all this, He pretty much destroyed all chanches of my moving to Mobridge . . there are other reasons as well . . just as there are many reason why we could never live together in MN.

So for me, Ive decided, that is no longer an issue.  He cant move in with me again and when his power goes out, but i will give him what ever he asks for travel money.  Then, i need to think about what my parents are asking me to do . . . come home, and what that means. I feel obligated.

If he takes off on a week end I could go down to oregon with him and take the train back.  See him and Oregon one last time.  But Eugene . . . reports of Neo nazi activity there . . i mean, maybe not worth making a big deal over . . . but that takes away all the charming memories of our last time there if it’s like that . . don’t want to get caught up in THEIR conflicts and bullshit down there . . that’s their stuff, and its been going on for decades on and off.  Maybe we could just go to the coast for the day.

Monday 6th

and speaking of bills . . i didn’t get my rent check off this week end. A few minutes before work.  Bought a nice cooler for D and a few movies to watch. Movies are better than gambling.  Adrienne comes back to town tommarrow and maybe, maybe she can wave that wand and keep his power on . . . probably. I believe it is illegal to turn off the power on people who are disabled and elderly.

Trump accusing the dems of wire tapping.  What ever conclusion they arrive at mine is this; of course they did.  They did it to us.  Notoriously.  Flagrently.  The Obama administration was notorious for this . . the dems in general felt it was their right.

I know for a fact that conversation that transpired between Darrell and I , way back in 2007 were commented on by Racheal Maddow and others , i watched it. . Even John Stwert seemed to know everytime i said something uncool over the phone in a bad mood. From 20003 on, there was sort of a coded message that would be played in response to things said or written on my home computer  . . and there were plenty that GOT IT.   Its been sporadic after that, and now almost non existance and boy has that made a difference in my mentle health.

So if we were hacked,and by god knows who else . . i suspect probably CIA on and off, and people like ADL or SPL . . . mostly during the Bush years. . . . . also far left, progressives and most likely Indian activists and tribal leaders . . . if we were, and we weren’t the only ones . . . then it ‘s likely people like Trump would be too.  Now . . . it’s a scandal . . its a shock to ‘discover’ such actions. Bullshit.everyone hacks and spys on everyone.

http://www.prisonplanet.com/infowars-warned-of-government-using-microphones-to-spy-on-americans-eleven-years-ago.html

http://endoftheamericandream.com/archives/every-conspiracy-theorist-in-america-has-just-been-vindicated

March 7

Paid rent. Had quite the day with a schizophrenic client . . .They give the difficult ones to me . . .but that’s O.K. No matter what it is in my life  . . it seems like life just  gives  the diffucult ones to me.

Bought some of Darrell’s latest art works.  Ive had my head up my ass . . but head up ass or not, every once in a while it gets a Eureka moment . . .it realises where its at and how it got there and how to get out of .

I ought to buy the ‘black snake’  so far no one has.  No one is buying the prints . . . even though, you would think they would.  That’s because the black snake is THEM  . . it’s political . . and they would rather have animals or the roaring bear as a symbol of generalized rage.  Also the more emotive Darrell’s work is . . . it tends to be kind of disturbed in its technical rendering.  Also drugs . . . kind of mar what he is actually capable of .

the latest one with the two animals in a black cloud looking out on a vision of what is beautiful in nature  . . . how ever imperfect it is valuable to me. There are layers of meaning.  Instead of giving him money i will buy his originals . . . . .its a fair deal.  a good trade.

 

1-8  spy v.s. spy   . . it’s a mad world

https://jonrappoport.wordpress.com/2017/03/09/spies-tell-lies-spying-is-lying/

i really like this guy. most of the time.

 

watching Gates’s series on Africa, really interesting.  Still in Egypt.

Has Chris Mathews lost his mind?  I never have time to watch , every once in a while  but . . . asking if Trump is a Leninist because of a smile?   A Lenninist??

March 12

Adrienne did indeed pull somestrings to get a 7 day extension on Darrell’s power and arranged for him to set up a crises appointment . . in May.  So his power will remain on for a while . . still no payments however.  Donna has come back to town so now Darrell is in a good mood again . . .so now he has his pal to hang out with and that’s good.

The Co op has given me more hours with an elderly couple I cook up for and do general caretaking duties for.  JD is a craftsperson.  Her home is filled with spinning wheels, and antiques and things she has made. All her life she and her ex husband followed a Laurel’s Kitchen sort of diet . . no sugars, no fats, lots of grains and fruits.  They can climb hills better than i can by far. Have no problem with stairs or arthritis but both , in particular JD have alzhiemer’s.  JD is pretty advanced for some one in their mid 70s.   Perhaps the brain really needs those fats and sugars . . it  is, after , mostly fats.  It gives one pause . . . relections on the ironies of life . . when some one so creative can lose their faculties to such an extent .

I feel like i am in Ms. Havisham’s house.  I brought my crochetting over yesterday and took a ‘break’ , made us some tea and did a little work on a hat  hoping it would kind of rouse her a little  . . and it did. I made a huge pot of soup with barley, lentils, br rice, split peas and veggies ,  . I mean huge and when Ireturned a few hours later her husband, who lives in a cabin in the back had scarfed nearly all of it down.  it is impossible for me to understand how anyone could eat that much food . I have been told that people who do not eat much sugar of ft have to eat huge quantities of food to compensate.  . . they lassoed me into going for a walk with them and her husband was traveling at a pretty good clip, challenging the hills for a work out . . me , I lagged and wheezed, my hips were in agony after the first mile . . .so R, scarfer of huge quantities of soup shot on ahead up hill and dale and I needed to wheeze and shuffle on home.

In contrast to the legacy of the laurel’s kitchen diet, I scarfed down some homemade cookies  when i returned home. I had a sausage ( natural) and  portobella mushroom and a homemade hummas on flatbread sandwhich. Then i tossed the laundry off to the other side of the bed and made a space to lay down and fell asleep watching t.v.

3-13

Spring is in the air and the dark energy that was dragging me down hs lifted.  Darrell is in such good spirits again . . the light is in his eye this evening, the enthusiasm for projects and interaction with other artists.  I huess he met some people out on the rez who were music makers and andartists and having a good time . . he described them as really nice people.  That’s what he needed . . some friends like like, being in a circle of people who are fun , intellegent and innovative, not all fucked up or on the streets .  He was lonely .

I know how he feels.  That’s the way I used to feel when I gathered with all the artisans at chrochett corner when I sold my hats. It would fill me with enthusiam, really bring me up.   All of a sudden he is talking like the artist i used to know . . talking about trading art, trading skills, people who want to comission him to do this or that and all the projects he could do . . i have not seen this in Darrell in a long time and it is a joy.  I like to think it was my getting into action over the power  and battling the dying of the light so to speak . . . buying those laterns was perhaps symbolic as well as practical, I was trying to keep his light from going out . . .fearfull of what all that emptiness and alonness in the dark would do to his spirit . . .also, i think my buying his art work again mattered to him.  Id been ignoring it, when once i championed it. Adrienne stated that i was ridiculous.  And Darrell exploded over my nagging and pushing and swore he did not care . . . but he admitted, that it worked . . . now almost over night, Spring is here.  The birds are gathering twigs.  Camellias are starting to bloom a little,  Crocuses are springing up, and primroses.

The air smells full of earthy promise and I instinctively think of projects, of flowers to plant, of things to do.

 

March 20th

Cannot believe Trump would be so rude to Merkel.  Soon, I think, the United States will be considered so  uncivil that no one will want to come here on vacation. . . it may become  isolated .

And there seems to be the real worry about nuclear threat ,talk of pre emptive strikes in China sea.  North Korea has got some top notch scientists . . . they’re not the dummys we would like to believe they are.  All that stuff you read now and then on conspiracy pages about planned de population and the Elite creating underground cities for themselves to withstand nuclear catastrophy and rebuild ( a master society??)   . . . .thaat cold creepy chill of what if it were true . . could it really . . . starts to creep into ones thoughts.  And if there were a nuclear war . . . any kid of world war . . . .were would i want to be.  Not Texas, Phoenix, most of California . . without adequate water resources all those people would die.  And I am seriously re thinking the move to MN . . . from a catastrophy wary  frame of mind. bottom ine is I can’t trust my family based on past history . . rip everything up and put myself into their power . . . .with that long history of being thrown repeatedly in the snow bank . . . no, i will never be homeess in Minneapolis again because of petulant mommy and game playing Daddy and their silly games.  As much as i want to help my folks out in their time of need .   perhaps best to just stay where i am.

Argued with Darrell about the constant begging, the draining of all my money .  Almost shut the door on him permenently.  I really am sick of it.   From now on, People can do shit for me if they want my attention instead of the other way around.  or not.  I dont care.  I am perfectly happy by myself.

 

March 24

Not feeling as crappy as i have been this afternoon. Called in sick. As usual . . . my respitory crap . Today I rested. Watered plants. fed the birds and listened to music on Pandora  . . . so healing.  Music is Universal.  When one loves a particular piece of music one loves the totality of the soul with all its experiences , all it’s culture that created it. It is the language of love.  Too much we are tempted to think about the hate in the world. TYo ruminate on those kinds of experience instead of re centering and focusing our energy not on frustrations, but on things that make happiness and peace.  Or else our bodies or something in us MAKES that happen .

Yesterday at the D.’s place I watch J approach a deer in her abandoned garden.  The deer instinctively had no fear of her.  I photographed it.

The desolation of alzhiemers . . looking out on that abandoned garden , where her flowers and fruits used to be . . . and seeing a deer that formerly she would shoo , come to nibble without fear of her . . . like a friend . . . it was if if the deer understood her need for connection.   I gave me the idea for a short story. It was magical to watch it unfold.   I haven’t done any real writting in 20 years.

 

3-29

Only a few minutes .  I am off to work.  Guess Darrell will be staying a bit longer, his social worker has kicked into gear to keep him going here now. She thinks she can get him a spot to teach word burning . . a good idea.  Alos, he is going to put paul on his lease to lstay at his place and take care of rent when he’s gone.

I have a dislocated finger.  Hard to type. My home computer is down and there are private files there i hate to loose.  Ive been following pizza gate . . it’s NOT fake news.  I remember years and years ago when this stuff about Epstien and the Clinton came to light, implicating even people like Deshowitz ( too smart to be convicted).  I think there are “fake news’ stories that have spung up around the recent exposures . . perhaps deliberately to obcsure the mountains and ountains of evidence . . then those can be pointed at as evidence of ‘fake news’.  Heck i remember way back in the years 2000  to 2003 there were many people calling what was happening to ME as ‘demonic’ . . a younger generation does not remember that.  I certianly felt the hand of some thing quite chilling and pschopathic . . and i wrote about it too, although most of that was deleted by me simply to avoid all the fall out.  Even Darrll says yeah . . . that stuff about retraumatization to program a response ( a break down or melt down  or crazy )  It probably did happen to you .It was just a demonstration of pwoer.  To show who was god and what they could do.  i was being used to send a message, and the pschological toll was terrible.   . . a sort of experiment straight out of playbook of MKULTRA . . even back in the late 50s and early 60s there were movies being made about this sort of experimentation and retramatization . . . . . only recently however has the cabal been taken on this directly.

 

3-30

only a few minutes before work.  Everything crashing in on me . . . just when i thought we were back on a peaceful trajectory.  Dana showed up . . . and trouble and drama always follow with her like a dark cloud.  now Im totally stressed out when only minuetes before she called i was feeling pretty happy.  it is not her fault . . she got stuck and asked to crash for the night.  Seems like everything hits at once, every single person in my life fucking with me, my space, my time, my peace, my money, even my work scheduals.  No time for details.  Must do my overnight . . got to catch that bus.

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

 





Feb 2017

6 02 2017

Feb 5

Dream
I was in a room with two twin beds. My sister Kate and a friend of hers were camped out on one side and i was asleep in the other. In the dream I was having, or rather a half dream because I knew where i was but i couldn’t fully wake up . . . .some guys took my tablet and i got upset. In this dream within a dream i was yelling at them .. give it back, give it back. i was enraged and tried to get it back. I knew i was yelling out in my sleep and that kate and her friend could hear me. Then I was awake and Kate and her friend were organizing thier day. Kate’s friend was an artist and had her sketchbook out with a incomplete cartoon that was quite masterful.. She was talking about going out to see the cultural offerings of St. Cloud, it’s landmarks and things of interest. I was thinking . . what cultural things? I had never rushed to do this.

Notes: I think what the dream is telling me is that i feel my power has been taken from me and I am upset because it is mine and it belongs to me. I am hoping that my voice will be heard even though I am , in a sense paralyzed, half awake, dreaming even though i know Im dreaming.
When I do wake up I am met by a woman who is pro active and psitive and creative. This could be an aspect of me . . or my own potential once I ‘wake up’ out of my own sense of powerless anger. This woman is not focused on the negatives, on losses or on pain or anger but on sampling the joys in life. Joys that i had not thought to see.
This is a meaningfull dream.

Februar 6

My client ME is snoring away, allowing e time to write a little.  I have an abessed tooth that is raging.  Went to the mergeny room last and got some antibiotics and peks but still in a lot of pain.  Darrell and i both went to the emergancy room last night. He had Pnuemonia and was, I believe, in a anxious state due to meth use. He called about midnight, said he had been throwing up a lot,that his throat was sore and constricted and would i take him to the hospital?  I called the beses.  Nothing running.  i alled 9-11 but he turned them away when they arrived.  We drove to the hospital and he was admitted.  There in the hospital bed i combed his hair, rubbed his back and entertained him with Lakota music on the tablet.  It seemed to me that the problem was wanting attention and he was willing to stage quite an emergency to get it from me. Too let me know he needed me.  His temper had been getting so out of bounds tha i had not tried to visit him and had deided to let it go.  This breakup did not last very long . . . .he had no anger in him throughout this little trip to the hospital, only a need, a soft spoken plea . . . . and I rethought  my feelings about him.  it seemed we fell into ’emergency’ when dissconnected . . I too had not been doing so well.  Because i was already at the ER and my abbessed tooth was causing me so much pain, I too needed some attention, some babying, and was given a shot and some antibiotics and narcotics. i was actually the sicker of the two of us. . Darrell, it turned out had pnuemonia.Not the flu and he was terribly dehydrated.  So we went to the pharmacy and got our meds and i brought him home where i could nurse him, which he accepted without complaints.  he went straight to bed, after setting up is ‘area’ the way he used to, with juices, kleenix, ash trays and so on.  I used to detox him at my house when he asked . . .it made sense.  No one could get to him or pester him there and i could baby him without a lot of effort.  So this is a day of restoration and mending.  What ever was festering in us came to the surface, it was identified, treated . . side by side in the emergency room and now we both getting out love and attention needs met. And ost imortantly there is a renewed sense of gratitude and gladness to be with each other gain at the old nest.

Feb 8 2017

Only a few minutes to write before i head out to one of my Bellingham clients. Only a few minutes after i wrote the last entry Darrell got a call from the hospital.  They wanted him to return immediately.  A cat scan had revealed something in the back of his head.  He has been complaining about a lot of pain inthe back of his head and asking me to rub it a lot, this may be part of volitile temper lately, his continual pissed offness.  A lot of physical pain.  What Darrell told me is that they said he had a ‘bubble’.  an air bubble or something. All joking about being a bubble head aside . . he must’v got that wrong.  They would have called an ambulance if that were so . . .its a stroke waiting to happen.  he must mean a growth, or nodule or something they want to look into . . not a bubble.  But there is something in his behavior that greatly disturbs me.  he is still throwing up . . and he does not have a flu virus.  There are noises he makes that i have seen in people essentially breaking down, it scares me. I work with end of life clients.    This is what i think . . . i think he was poisened.  someone gave him some meth laced with something toxic and he didnt tell the doctors in the emergency room.  They could have given him something as anecdote.  But they probably would have tried to get him into treatment.  .  He hasn’t been cramping and in muscular pain so if it was strychinine it wasn’t a lot, perhaps something else.  But it serves as a reminder, i told him, how fragile

health  really is.  he is too old for that shit. he can’t handle it. Actually . . no one can.  meth kills.  It also shows, I reminded him, that there are some people out there who do not have his best interests at heart, they will bring him down to their level. . . ive told him that, and written about his tragic inability to see this over the years so many times and at such great leanghth that I have given up on his ability to see really see this. its a tragety but what can i do.   i can only rescue him, from malicious forces, or death and destruction stuff, illness that does not need to happen   so many times . . and then it claims him.
Why he has not yet gone to the hospital is beyond me.  he keeps talking about going to rochester . . as if he had all the time in the world.  I also think there is something he is not telling me.  it may be his pancreas.

Sunday Feb 12finally relaxation day . . . I had the oppurtunity to pick up hours this weekend and really needed the money but decided i need a few dys free worse. Darrell is still sick and sleeping over at my place but gtting much better.  I made a nice dinner Friday night , but he could only eat a few bites.  Then he woke in a rage later because he was ‘starving’ . . . some kind of flash back or PTSD coming out . . . i was really afraid of getting beat up but he simmered down . . . i was upset but kept my cool.  In the morning he ate his furst full meal . . then i had a eureka moment.  We went to the pot store.  I bought some lozenges, a few capsules and one of those ‘syringes’ to squeeze out liquid pot on some yogurt or whatever. Call it enabling . . but in this case, its medicinal. He can’t eat or smoke, he’s in pain and he’s edgy . . .the liquid pot did the trick , but jeez, it’s expensive this way.  Sometimes, just sometimes, I get a good idea.  he felt good enough to shower up, and we went for a drive, took our time and watched the eagles and hawks.  It was healing.  Now he is watching a John Wayne movie.  MacIntire or something, I.And laughing his ass off as they discuss Indian problems.

2-12    Just got back from swimming and taking care of bizz. Tuckered out.  Nice to be home and have the apartment to myself, re group. I have class tomorrow.

2-25

I don’t think the sacred stone camp going up in flames was what the “Burn IT down” “Feel the Bern” crowd had in mind .

2-26

https://jonrappoport.wordpress.com/2017/02/26/trumps-war-against-the-media-continues/     I have to admit that Jon is absolutely right on this one and then some.  I’ll have more to say about it’

 

february-2017

2-27

Dream

Darrell and I were at some sort of construction site.  It was connected to this hotel and movie theater.  We had a fight and he wasn’t talking to me.

we were in separate areas separated by some plywood walls.  I was looking for a store that sold sexy stuff . . I had never been in such a store and thought I would check it out. Since i was ‘free”   However i could not find it.  I knew that such a store was nearby but i could not find it.  It seemed to lead me in a maze.  I kept running into people who had vodka.  There was this couple sitting on some lumber sharing a bottle of vodka and they offered me some.  They didn’t look like chronic homeless types . . they looked more like college professors, Noam chomsky types,  but they were non the less homeless people  so i joined them.  I didn’t really want any vodka but decided I would settle for it.

Notes:  Hmmmm . . looks like the dream is saying that i gave up looking for something romantic or playful , all the love and sex stuff and was settling for hard liquor instead, even though I didn’t really want it.  I think the dream is suggesting that I would like intellectual companionship.  Sharing a bottle of vodka with Noam could be quite fun actually . . sitting on a pile of lumber at some hotel/ movie theater/ love store complex under construction.  The separation of walls between Darrell and i might reflect a sense of divide and conquer  . . . the result of sustained political and social  tactics  .

2-27

Just waiting now for the decision from social security . . will they continue or drop it.  I am almost 62.  there is a chance they may keep it but under this administration i am expecting them to drop it . . .if they keep it, i have no worries and that frees me up to make changes in my life.  It would make re locating much, much easier  . . . I would not fear ‘being thrown in the snow bank’ to quote a common phrase from MN, if i try to return there.  They said they would let me know by March.  But what if it is April or even May before I finally find out??  I now have my credits, I’m delegated and i have my license renewal form ready to turn in . . all set in that regard.

I may have made a mistake returning to the work world.  I think i was better off just living on social security . . . i had time to take better care of myself, spiritually, emotionally and physically . . . look at all the stuff I made and sold . . . THAT was the avenue I forged to create an identity, a way of interacting with people . . .i think it was better for me, truer to myself.  I also had more time for Darrell . . . I helped him out a lot at his place and back then he was being very responsible and his place, under the combined efforts of a number of people. mostly himself,  was a nice place to hang out. at when he wasn’t drinking.   Most of the time. Everything is different now  . . . and i am most certainly not a happy lady any more.  If I still remain on social security . . . .I  might give up working and just cultivate my private life again. What little is left of it.

(Later)today started out badly.  i was awash in painful thoughts as i did some early writing.  Then off to the pool only to discover Id not packed a bathing suit.  However it got better and better as the day went on.  I worked with ME and cooked her up some treats; peanut butter cookies and tapioca pudding .. oh man did she like that.  Then i was on to a brand new client, Zetta. We got along instantly.  i don’t know if i was expecting some classist snooty old bitch  that would look me up and down , eye the rip in my jacket, the tennis shoes that were falling apart.an decide i wasn’t suitable..but Zetta was earthy and familiar and boy did she like eating.  Her son described her as ‘well nourished’ .. sort of the way i am’well nourished’ … so we got along .  Nothing wrong with this lady in the brains..it’s her body that’s given out.  I made up some chicken soup from a cooked chicken and she was impressed…i scored on my ability to make chicken soup. There is a thick blanket of snow on everything tonight.  A wonderland.  A fairyland. I’m off to bed and up early again, for another full day.





January 2017

8 01 2017

Had a biopsis done yesterday.  No fun.  Just waiting for results.  Still in a kind of shock and trying to process this.  Just got a notification from social security that i am nearing the end of my trial work period and they will make a determination soon about wether to continue benifits.  No question they will be denied . .  and now, when the possibility of surgery loams ahead, and soon, my medical coverage ends.  nothing but trajety no matter what i do . . how i strategize for the future. No words of support from Darrell, he didn’t want to hear about it, just ask for more money, more money for his weed.  perhaps that’s all it ever was all along.

 

Jan 14

Still waiting for Biopsis results.  They are in but no Nurse is available untill Tuesday to discuss these results.  Everything feels like it is collapsing all at once and perhaps it is.  I let Darrells indifffernec get to me in the deepest part of my soul and it has confused me, haven’t been able to THINK, get my social priorities straight and it has cost me personally and at the work place.  As always . . . i use the right tools to rise above whatever in life is causing me distress untill something happens to put a chink in that armour,  turn bad energy inward, against my self . . perhaps it is a cry, or a safe way to protest . . .but the self destructive ‘collapse’ even when its repaired quickly can cast a shadow on other areas of my life.  it provides excuse for anger at  karen, the problem.

I think it would hurt anyone to feel like their partner, on hearing the news that ones life may be in jeporday, that one MAY die, or go throw a devestating illness says that it is spoiling his high.  he doesn’t want to hear about it.  it makes  person feel so alone.  having to face stuff alone. Seems like everyone has ganged up on me lately . . . it was my faliure of professionalism to let it influence my preparedness or focus on the job . . . but this is an old story that has been going on for years.  I just wish they would hurry up and give me the results . . . this waiting and waiting is terrible.  what will i do if it’s cancer.  Especially if i lose insurance to pay for treatment??  I am not living in a sympathetic environment . . . perhaps i could just pick up and travel someplace before I can’t.

After everything i do for people . . they shrug and say thanks but still,  I am the problem, my  cancer concerns , concerns about fatality , the future . . it spoils our high. Just keep paying for that high untill you die.  pretty damn brutal . But then . . it always was . . . i just learned to cope with it, and find a way to nourish myself and ignore people or rise above what i knew they were doing.  I even was able to find my own happiness . . .

i fucking wish they would hurry up and give me the results.

 

1/16

Wow.  i can’t believe that Trump smacked John lewis like that, on Martin Luther King Holiday too.  I know that Trump is making a statemnt  like if you attack my capabilities and qualifications  i will give back as good as i get and i get i don’t care who you are, no one is above getting it back . . . but . . . .jeez, John Lewis is an icon, and he is a nice guy too.  I don’t think Trump realizes the place Lewis   holds in Black peoples esteem.  He is really playing with fire.  What, does he WANT a riot??? Before he even gets elected??  That is NOT good diplomacy. it’s not diplomatic at all.  its provocation.  I dodn’t think that guy is going to last very long.

1/17

yeah!! I’m good to go.  Growths were benign.  No cancer!!  Still fat and sassy..Especially fat.

1-22

tired.  so much to write about but asthma, triggered by exposure to strong cleaning supplies at work has my ass wupped.  Darrell and i getting on now . . . he has been sleeping on his couch which has aburpt sides and isnat long enough  and it is causing headaches , neck aches and back aches.  i got him  a two tiered inflatable mattress.  he cant get off the floor when the mattress is on the floor.  I was hurting when he didnt give me  some support when i called the night of my biopsis.  I really retracted .  But . . . .i guess we have a bond,

Many thoughts about recent events but . . . that asthma . . . woulod rather journal when i have enough oxygen.

1-23

Feeling better. But have a nightmare hangover. woke up calling out,

The dream;

I was the head cook in a large  assisted living type facility, which also seemed to be a group home with many wings.  Iwas searching for the day’s menu.  Everywhere I looked i could not find it.  i was spending a lot of time searching for the days menu .  I was trying to call Jan, my supervisor.  Once again, i could not locate her number any where . . i had my tablet but in the dream i could not manage to bring up the number.  I was becoming very distressed because i would not get breakfast out and lunch started. My tablet broke in two.  I was ready to cry.  i decided to quit because it was hopeless.

it was one of those cook frustration nightmares . . . anyone who has ever worked as a cook has probably had this nightmare.

I am training on day shift this morning .  i trained last week on day shift at two places.  I fell asleep the week earlier on my second overnight, not for very long but that is a no no so they changed my schedual around. Dang, i rather liked those ON shifts . . . it was like my refuge.  I got paid for being left alone to watch Magnificent Century , my Turkish soap opera.  Now I have to do some real work again.  Actually, I had as much to do in the mornings, during my overnights as the day shift.  it’s more spread out during the day shift.   I also have other job offers to consider that are closer to home and that is tempting . . so i have some decisions to make in the next day or so.  They have some home care sleep overnights with cranky older people available . . i can deal with that, hell yeah, Cranky old guys i know something about, it won’t faze me.

The only problem is i have to renew my license soon.  They were supposed to send out the paperwork last week but i haven’t got it yet.  My current employer pays for that license renewal . . . but not  if I give notice of course.

Yesterdays news was dominated by the women’s marchs.  I listened to the speeches by Gloria Stienem, Micheal Moor, Scarlett Johansen and Elizabeth Warren.  I also started crocheting a pinkish hat16174637_10212428147998534_3629186294958863549_n . . ever casting an entrepreneurial eye on circumstances.  There’s a whole lot i could write about ‘the love’ that social justice movements believe they are embracing this year . . . .and i could write a lot about times when it was not so loving when it was targeting me . . . I seem to remember Micheal Moore refering to me back in 2004 or so as a ‘piece of shit.’  On t.v.  And i wondered as far back as madison days where are the feminists like Gloria Stienem when awfull commercials were being broadcast with hidden messages viciously mocking me . . plenty of women GOT those hidden messages and found them entertaining.  The was a time when i felt some of the worst hate crime in America was woman on woman . . . and that some of the worst mysogany was on the left . . .  but why rehash all that.  It’s all been said before . . . it only antagonizes people who are NOT so cruel these days , . . time allows people to forget everything. Almost.

 

On my  FB home page-A poem     “Fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck you and Fuck your hat” by Donna Lauth  (Alaska) Also by Donna;16114735_10208087721606120_7837984807447120761_n  jeez, is that addressed to me?? Looks internalized to me.  Which only illustrates my point in the earlier posting. here’s some tidbits on the pink hat theme from Sally and her Daughter . i had to unfriend some people.  Not that i was offended by thelema’s brain hat . . but Sally’s stuff shows up on MY page when she comments on thelemas posts and i can’t have her bullshit on my page.  here’s a thought . . . how about this ‘brain hat’ in brown.  A shit for brains hat.  id make them.

thumbnail-brains-1-696x392in-brown

January 24 2016

Woke up actually feeling pretty sparky for a change, despite asthma.  I think the change to Day shifts has made the difference.

 

January

Much has happened.  computer got infected and crashed with all my docs.  Started second job.  I guess my Mom had my Dad move into the basement  . . so he called me to unload.  Crazy shit there . . . don’t have time to write about it now.

 

 

 

 

 

 





December 2016

6 12 2016

Down time at work. Had a fun time with my client this evening playing bop the caretaker with the skien of yarn game. Almost as fun as making snort and oink noises when she tilts my head back . . . which sends her in peals of laughter.
Feeling pretty good tonight, physically and emotionally. We decided to head off to the Midwest towards Standing Rock, and for me St. Cloud next week. Maybe as early as Tuesday or as late as Friday.

Tuesday.  Dec 6

Feeling Very depressed about a number of dissapointments right now. The good news is that i have 2 weeks vacation starting on the 9th. Drive or train?? Blizzarding in the Dakotas now, sub zero temps, snoqualimie pass is due for snow on Friday and Darrell used up his money.  I could still ferry him over to his rez enroute to St. Cloud. But not much cash to spare in case of emergencies.  Ive got a chest cold too.

Water protectors won a temporary victory.

Friday Dec 9th

Snow and blowing winds and cold as ll hell out. Today I must get ready for the trip. Much to do.  Im taking the train and Darrell will come out later.  He won’t leave without his car and the paases are too too treacherous right now.  I bought his some thermal under wear, warm socks and a vest.  may get him a padded sweat shirt to wear under his coat too before I go. Got myself a few items at value village and all set now.

I may have some lady problems. Hope its just an unexpected surge of hormores andnothing serious.  Im wondering if the maternal nature of my work and the physical nuturing i give to Challen might actually trigger some biological changes.  if not . . well, we are all mortal .  . and the path into old age does not get smoother.  We could be stricken with unexpected illness, heart faliure, falls, cancers,strokes . . you name it.  This is on my mind these days. oddly, I feel suddenly gratefull for what I have out here in WA, we aren’t doing so badly these days .Darrell and i had a nice evening and had a pleasent dinner. . but all things come to an end. I  have such a feelin of our time now being very short.This may be the last time I and the people i love best are all here on this earth.  I have a feeling that the future of us all will not be what we expecvted, that something catastrophic for mankind is around the corner.

December 13   3 A.M.

Not feeling well.  Can’t put my finger on it but something seems wrong.

Not many people on the train.  shared breakfast with an interesting fellow and we went through 3 or 4 cups of coffee shooting the breeze.  My reception here at home has been polite, but not not enthusiastic . . . they seem rather disintereste and I am wondering now about all these plans to move here to look after them in the next years.  I know my mother would only resent it very quickly . . .I get the feeling even now that i better make this a short visit or Ill get ‘the speech’ as I call it.  I just got here . . . . oh well, right now i don’t really care.  I don’t really know what’s going down. I sense a resurgence of blame once again. No matter WHAT I do.  perhaps the media have been at it again.   it’s been settled for good.  probably, collective opinion being solidified in Standing rock with all those people.  maybe not.  It feels hopeless.

I feel depressed and want to be back in my apartment once again.  perhaps that is where i belong . . .if people decide they have to kill me because Im there and they don’t want me there then they will.  Im not going to make anymore moves for anybodies sake.

If it is media . . .at it again . . . .there’s too many people now who know how much they routinely lie. The damage they do. Even Denzel Washington layed it out recently.  he said; they dont’ care what they say, they don’;t care if it’s true, they don’t care who they destroy or who they hurt . . . .my man. You know it. hannity was refering to them as the abusive media last night.  You know it.  But i don’t care about that anymore either . . it’s come back on them.  they are panicking now with Trump almost in office.  Trying to pull a coup from what i can see.  These are interesting times . . .so much happening all at once, huge changes,

Well the girls at the YMCA here were being friendly.  Have not encountered any bad energy here in St. Cloud. Other than Mom not really wanting me here . . . .I don’t know what they are going to do.  it’s obvious she is in need of care. She will be in full dementia soon . . .she cant be left alone or do anything in the kitchen. if it isn’t me then it has to be somebody/  here i am offering to rip up my life out West and make changes to be near enough to assist them and she still has that underlying resentment against me.  that old “get lost’ undergrowl.  I guess i don;’t feel sorry for her  . . or dad, anymore . . .  .When i asked if they would like me to move closer by so i could help out with meals and ‘babysitting’ so to speak they both seemed so indifferent.  You do what you want to do.

Thursday

Well it has turned out to be a good visit after all.  We had much fun yesterday. Patty came over.   Mom has gotten so thin.

Tuesday December 20th

Back home in Bellingham watching my Turkish soap opera.  I have started a fast of sorts . . just liquids, broth, juice for 5 days . . maybe more and then a diet with no gluten, no dairy, no fried spuds  . . . just a bowl of museulli or cereal in themorening with rice or soy milk, and a banana, soup for lunch and maybe and apple or oranbe and something like brocoli and chicken for dinner.  I want to see if all this inflamation and bloating will go away. .. i can’t go on like this.  Darrell too has been in a lot of physical pain. Emotional too.  he wanted so badly to be home for Christmas.  But the storms made car travel tooo risky, especially with no heater.   i bought him a nice warm parka for Christmas, that should help. Filled up his tank, bought him some weed and tobacco ,made steak dinner and then took him out for boomer burgers but he is still going totally pscho on me . . .in the car where my only option would be put up or get out and walk miles to a bus stop.  h efrightened me a lot yesterday.  I hate to pack up and leave.  its funny how quickly my environment and netowrk of contacts here , except for work, bring me down so quickly in to that cycle of violence, as soon as i try  to leave it which escalates several times a year.  it was escalating quietly when i left.  I better take this serious . . it’s so easy to forget once it’s past, it’s a pretty classic pattern . . . what makes this case unusual is how many people get swept up in it. its like automatic around here.    Im tired of all the anger.

Well im not going to give any one a peg to hang me on, make it easy to abuse because of self destructive drinking, or anything.  I take care of myself financially, emotionally, physically I can stay on top of it and cope with it all . . . but doing this will bring on retaliationin one form or another.  So i must be prepared and guarded emotionally.

Christmas Eve

Made cookies all day yesterday, and cinnamon rolls, while Donna and Darrel hung out.  Donna brought her new puppy.  part German shepard and part Eskimo dog.  I fell in love with that puppy . . she is beautiful.  Had my doctor’s appointment at P.P.  They found a polop and schedualed me for further tests . . I have to get some ultra sound.  Donna scored a 3 bedroom house in Oregon, south of Eugene!! Dang!!  Now Darrell has someplace to visit for a while. I expect Donna will be heading down there pretty quick. Perhaps in the next few days.   I told Darrell that he ought to go with Donna, be with her  out in the open.  Her boyfriend took off for Alaska, she has a house now instead of living on the streets . . he could throw in for rent and claim one of the rooms . . they get along so splendidly . . . it seems obvious to me.  You go with what makes you happy.  I told him to find some one who makes him happy . It makes me sad that he never feels it is me and that he has to let me know it all the time, but there it is.  I think we were searching more for meaning, identity , the big picture . . more than happiness, or we wouldn’t have put up with all the stuff we did over the years.  But perhaps now it is time to go with what brings happiness and joy.

I too would like to see Oregon again.

I dreamt i was taking a bunch of classes.  That i was trying to choose between art classes and a pallette of others.  it was exciting.  The other day i said something about how i wish i could re do highschool and take advantage of all those free classes I was too lazy to take then, not realizing the worth of them . . like economics, shop, biology, business.   perhaps its time to direct that  path towards some fun, some happiness . . learn some new skills, meet some new people. go hiking.

i am always learning . . .I watch u tube documentaries a lot and explore all kinds of ideas . . i just don’t write about it or have anyone to really talk to about things.

Dec 26

it feels good to take it easy today.  Kick back and watch some breaking bad and drinking a tea of nettles, mullien  and skullcap for a developing cold. Lentils soup in the Crock.  Earlier today I got in a swim and then i felt awfull , strange, as if i were on a different plane, like a flash back to a different mind set, different awareness and memories, more aware of sensory detail and memory but not comfortable, and full of cravings.  They were overwhelming but when i wandered into the grocery store to get some suff  i passed the liqour section and the thought of it made me sick to my stomach.  Eventually the cravings passed and now i feel strangly better than i have in a while. less like crying. I am going through some physiological changes now . . . the next months are goin to be tough sometimes.  I will have more of these episodes but that is part of the process.

I really tried to DO Christmas for my friends Donna and Darrell. They brought the pup over and we actually had a fun evening, trying our hand at beat poetry which made us laugh.  Darrell pretended to be crabby about his new parka but i could tell he was happy.    It looks so sharp on him and boy did he need it.  I made the mistake of putting on a utube documentary last night about what was happening on the Lakota reservations . . . and i think it hit a place of deep pain with him, he seemed to be asleep and wouldn’t rouse . . and when he did he was a bastard.  I should have been more thoughtful.  I guess tonight will be zootopia or something if he comes over.  Feels good to rest,to be done with family, holidays, decisions about moving and relationship status and center again.