January 2018

9 01 2018

Finally found the city I want to move to. Lots of resources and really beautiful. Far from here. But THAT plan I will keep to myself. Dad said he set aside 500 bucks if/when I come to St. Cloud to stay. they really DO need my help . . but Ive been played with so much and it has hurt my heart, disrupted my work record . . . a LOT of stress . . so Im in no hurry now to help Dad in his distress. But its good to know that its an option. If I drove, I could sleep in the car in my sleeping bag if worse came to worse, and getting a rental immediately wouldn’t be a problem. But is is winter in MN. And I hate winter in MN.

1/9/18

Quiche in oven. Coffee brewing. Have lots of studies to attend to in the next few days. Darrb pulled out his sketchbook and worked on a cartoon. His energy was gentle.The demon has left . . .and I do believe in evil forces,whatever they are called that can get intoto someone, some place,even some group consciousness. Especially if the are weakened in some way.  Feeling genuinely cared for and safe goes a long way t.

We talked about New Years themes . . . I suggested that he express his own vision of hope.

1-12-18
Things good at home. Made a healthy breakfast of beet, apple and orange juice, oatmeal with blueberries and eggs with greens. Darrell in good humor, drawing cartoons. We get along so much better as friends than we did as endlessly hurt, angry and jealous partners. We ARE partners still . . only in a different way, more like helpers than love/hate enimies. he helps me out a lot with dishes and cleaning the kitchen which is enormously appreciated. Working with my doctor to get s.s.a restored. Landlord brought my rent way down which is a huge relief. Doc gave me some references of therapists who will take my insurance . .but, ive become notoriously suspicious of behaviorists and tend to view them as mostly the long arm of the state, and my opinion of pschiatrists even darker . . but some of them are O.K. it would be usefull perhaps to building the s.s.a appeal to focus of the ‘mentle disorder’ angle . . . except . . .that’s what they are looking for. To pathologize anyone who is outside the box. As if the box, the norm in America is any place anything thinking, aware person would want to be. Its not a game worth playing. I will survi9ve with or without social security. Oh yeah, Ive had pervasive moods of despair, hopelessness, sense of injustice . . . usually with good reason. The situation has changed a bit . . and with it, the anxiety and sadness.

1-12 (later) so very wrong. As usual. Another rash of porn on t.v. . . .same themes, worse. What do I do? Tried to ttell him how it makes me feel, explain why its unacceptable . . after all, it’s pedophila themes, asked him to leave . . . he did not care. Did not see it as significant . . .he packed and was ready to go. then I thought of all the hostility that would erupt in Bellingham once he left and went on the streets. I would be cast as the monster.

1-14
Shithole countries? yeah, and what made them that way. Greed, corruption, large corporations that don’t give a shit about the shit holes they create to gain porfits. Big agri business that destroys small farms that sustained villages for centuries. The people who worried about how to feed their hungry kids, or how to get help for their sick kids don’t give a rats ass about wether the shithole remarks were an outrage or not. The people debating this are well fed safe and warm. The people in shithole countries probably would be the first to call their own countries and leaders shitholes.
In the not so distant past Ireland was regarded as a shithole country. What happened to give us your tired, your poor, your unwashed masses. American the beacon of freedom for the trampled. Why shouldn’t they come here? We got our standard of living ripping them off and supporting terrible leaders, why shouldn’t they get a little back of what was looted from them.
And what about Chicago, Detroit, Minneapolis ghettos . . the reservations . . shithole coutries?? and who and what made them and what purpose do they serve?
perhaps Haiti woyuld be less of a shithole if the Clintons hadn’t taken so much of the so called relief money. . . . .yeah, I know, it’s all a Republican thing, the racists.

There’s some question as to wether Trump actually said this too . . . after all the No one who was quoted was actually an eye witness, they were second hand sources.

1-16

Im starting to get the picture now of how Darrell has painted me across the plains.  Why does he want his people to think of me as some kind of monster?  I never understand it . . is it the alchoholism that kicks in when he’s with drinkers , everything getting distorted and toxic?  its been going on for so long with catastrophic consequences.  Every time i start to get the picture of what he says about me . . how he spins his story as ‘the victim’ I am astonished, depressed, frightened . . because it escalates.  so tired of being cast as the enimy and then asked over and over and over to give my support, my money, my roof . . . and it always ends the same.  I spent the last couple of years getting yelled at constantly . . and Im the bully?  it so fucking biased.

the left always says . . . racist, ignorant, blaming, incapable of admitting how I AM TO BLAME FOR EVERYTHING and everything that developed is just a natural reaction to what i brought on myself.That I need to stop the lies . . all the lies.  What lies?   I get tired of protesting that ive had only one boyfriend since i met Darrell in 1997 and Im still being  a target of all kinds of crap held as truth, telling people over and over that this was deliberate charecter assisination . . that it was consioucly planned and executed and then bragged about. There’s people out there that know this.

Ive been going through a lot of attack lately since Darrell came back and ive been confused as to what going on, trying to piece together what is going on and why and the best way to cope with it.  Im being called dirt.  Dirt just was called on to shell out plenty to help Darrell out in South Dakota.  some people are calling me an idiot for responding to that and getting back in the same old dilemma.  others are just calling me dirt, or garbage . . .My guess is that Darrell was telling people that I treated him like dirt or that i called him dirt ( not true) and thats the core of the sense of outrage. he’s been doing that for years . . . any one that knows me knows i dont talk to people that way, that Im polite and easy going  but people who don’t know this willj be triggered in their sensitivities.    There’s a lot of things I don’t write about because i have to live here and interact with people . . . Well, this cycle will never be cleared up.  Im not some charecter on Muarice Povich or Jerry Springer. Porn movies and theese crapola shows are not showing it as it really is, keeping it real,  they are prejudicecal outlook.    I have a lot of dignity. If people cant see that or don’t want to see that then its time to ditch this whole story and go somewhere where i can live with some dignity.  I DO live with grace, balence  and integrety when Im allowed to.

At any rate, Mom is failing.  I talked to her by phone and she could not put words together at all.  Very bad off.  I have some decisions to make.

 

Advertisements




December 2017

1 12 2017

Garrison Kielor?  You got to be kidding.  The latest to go down in the groping scandals. Mr. loopy, droopy and thats the news from Lake Woebegone? They are going after the doddering old story tellers now . . oh, i guess his stories are about glorified toxic whiteness.  Is Garrison the latest poster boy for toxic white male privelege  now?   What’s next MN, the Ren fest?

Massacre at Lake Woebegone!!   This is getting ridiculous.  It’s getting so ridiculous it’s funny.  Except . . . it’s not.  Not if your at the astonished recieving end  of all these take downs and witch hunts . . it used to be about words.  They’d hang some one for using the wrong phrase or words . . .one by one i watched public personalities get that glazed “this can’t be really happening’ deer in the headlights look . . .  now it’s groping.

I have to give Keilor credit though for the way he is handling it.  With good grace, gentile wit, like a master storyteller.

I wonder if all these nuerotic young women even know how much they are being used, all the while thinking they are empowered,  while the puppet masters laugh  at how easily they are made to do their bidding. The inside dirt i hear is that all these women coming forward are actually threatened with blackmail of some sort . . if you don’t step forward WE will expose this or that . . . so it looks more noble and face saving  to ‘come forward’.

Sounds like there is an awfull lot of blackmailing going on all over the board.

Saturday.

My last day free.  Darrell gets on the bus today. Already i feel the clouds of drama and bullcrap gathering around the bend. Some lady filled my ears up this morning with lip quivering  tales from the street, and all this drama in and out of her life in relation to that crowd. some one dropped some stuff at her house and didn’t pick it up, she was in trouble with housing because of guests and drama, so she tried to throw it out but somehow her ex boyfriend prevented that and turned it over to the police when he discovered meth and syringes.  so now he’s in trouble for being a snitch and so on. My heart just dropped as i listened to her  . . . because i knew that that crowd would be able to dominate my lfe again via Darrell , Just when i was enjoying my quiet evenings reading about ancient discoveries and browsing used bookstores to my hearts content.

Her endless retelling brought it all back to me, I don’t even know these people but the minute chief walks through the door there is a point of connection between me and the world out there via Darrell. And if I describe it or complain about the energy that affects me as i have in the past years .  then it’s reason for retaliation and revenge.    And of course the simple answer is . . . never open that door,once you get it closed.  So the fool here is back to problems with anxiety, stress, upset stomach and sleeplessness.

it irratated me to see her posting pictures that i took of Darrell and I onto her facebook pages . . as if she had been a part of those times. Or intimate with us then.  It’s like taking ownership.

Something similar happened when I went to the Co-op the other day.  In the card rack were some handcrafted cards that I immediately thought his, they were stolden from some of Darrell’s more popular drawings years ago . . not exact replicas but almost so, enough for me to recognize his art being used for profit without his permission . . .the artwork had been altered with cute little butterflies and stuff around the mouth of the roaring bear.  They sure used to love that roaring bear . . . even Steve Colbert got into the bear references and jokes . . .but leave it to that hip crowd to pretty it up with butterflies .  Make it really benign.  And so the joke carries on . . the images are easily recognized as alterations of Darrells art around. 2004.  Too bad he isn’t getting any income from that. He would probably win the court case if he chose to sue. . . .

I will give it two weeks. Truthfully, there is a part of me that is glad to see him again.  He has a lot of friends and Im hoping that he will find his footing pretty quickly and  if there is a problem gathering, any kind of anger issues, revenge issues, using issues, bully issues, if i feel I am in any kind of abuse or feeling fear that’s it.  I have enough stashed to hit the road and Im about an inch away from that. And it would not be such a distressing thing.  it would be good to shut the door on this whole complex chapter that unfolded out here.   But I wouldn’t be able to go back to any place familier.

(Later)

I went over to Dakota art and got a sketchbook and art supplies for Darrell. I felt so good to be there again . . .and I wanted to buy so many art supplies for myself as well. I felt happy again . . .as if I were tapping into the right energy that I had neglected for too long. I stopped worrying and felt I was nurturing the spirit. Doing something right. I spent the rest of the day getting things ready, cooking up, setting out favorite snacks and medications. I tried to make the house this week as warm and cheery as I could despite worries.

The I heard. He was drinking again. He had been ripped off of absolutely everything he had. How awful. How tragic. I am worried now for very different reasons. Does he have his winter coat? I feel he is lost. Really lost now. All the art supplies I gift wrapped, all the snacks sit beside his bed like a shrine that will never be a place of recuperation. Only an uninhabited shrine . . .

Dec 4

Very, very tired.  Focused on the car today. Took it in for estimates on a radiator,then talked with the guy at the flat black . Did a super duper job of vacuuming, cleaning out and car wash.  Wanted to do so much more today but I guess that is enough. No one has heard from Darrell . . either that or he has left instructions for people to tell me that.  I guess if he shows up he shows up.  if he doesn’t  . . . .I hope he’s O.K.  and I am the fool for letting myself think I was recapturing some kind of ‘nest’.

Dec 6
Tired. One of my clients that I have fond feelings towards seems to be failing. Had three days off and got quite a lot accomplished. Excersised. Got gift out to Mom and one bought for Kate. Treated myself to breakfast at the Silver Reef casino the other day and a nice drive along marine drive. The day was sunny and I could see the mountains clearly. My digital camera was out of batteries and go phone doesn’t take stellar photos. Still, it was a morning that made me feel good . . as if id broken out of some negative personal matrix and become part of something pwerfull and calm and greater once again. A happy morning. Sad too, as I remembered the many drives I would take with Darrell.
So much goin on in the world to write of . . . but I am so very tired tonight and there are some good t.v. programs beginning this week.

Dec 8
Very depressed. I came home and found two pieces of mail . . one of them increasing my rent, the other taking away my social security benefits. I am in pain all the time and shouldn’t even be working very mcu . . now what. I am being penalized for working too much . . and why was I working . . .to help Darrell out the past few years , to make numerous trips to Minnesota on behalf of my folks . I would add extra hours at the request of my employers to help them out and be a team player, a valued employee and I fuck up once and everyone converges on me and its a tsnami of condemnation of how I am not worthy, how I am inadequate in some way . . whatever . then I would feel used, betrayed by people Ive given my best to . . then my own folks play with my heart, calling me home and asking me to leave and all that makes me quit jobs, then try to recover by getting a different one and working more than I ought and then being penalized in a big way. All that together taking ahuge psychological toll in despair, feelings of futility. Darrell asking for money and expecting me to bail him out by bringing him here . . but I no longer have a safety net. Why why only a year and a half away from retirement do they hve to pull my social security, just when Ive got a stable and peacefull, balanced personal life for a change. I feel so defeated and deliberately destroyed by the people whose expectations I have been trying to meet . . . at the expense of my own health. The good thing is that I am not drinking . . not that anything wonderous has resulted from it, but it means it is one less peg for anyone to use against me. It means my life is more orderly. When I was drinking the social security was there . . . . when I quit and am efficient, then they take it away . . . I am penalized for sanity and being responsible.
I cannot trust Darrell not to jepordize my housing . . if I had social security it would not be an issue, because I could fall back on it, same thing with making trips to MN . . . now, I cannot count on that safety net between jobs. I threw away everything for others . . and now I wipe butts for a living, I am tired and cranky and trying to be optimistic and still they have taken everything away from me.

Trump has announced that Jerusalem will now be the apital of Isreal. There is an Intifada rising. I cannot help but wonder if this was intended. To wipe out the Palestinians once and for all in response. I wonder to if Trump is just trying to please the Isreali lobby. There is such a driven effort to remove him from office that the lobby is the only thing that can keep him in office. He sounded drugged . I even wonder about the Las Vegas massacre and how that could possibly tie in . . Everything in Las Vegas is Isreali and Trump has business connections with them going way back. is he being intimidated?? I don’t know. And what the f is going on with all this diversionary purge of gropers all of a sudden?? Why are the democrats throwing Frankin under the bus all of a sudden?? He is popular in MN from what I understand. I believe what I believe about what ‘went down’ in regards to me and what seemed to be leading role by Air America which later morphed into MSNBC. . and even Native friends acknowleged the way the democrats were doing me down . . .but nobody else gives a shit, certainly no one in the democratic party. So Im sure that’s not the hidden issue, unless it was even more corrupt than I know. Must be something else.

(later)

I called up Jan and asked about getting my old job back . . she said sure. It’s much, much easier on this old body . Nothing glamorus but easier on me.

I also called my dr and made an appointment and I am going to cry and cry about all the pain and how I need something in writing from him saying I ought not to work more than minimal hours because of health reasons.  He will send me to Physical therapy . . however, that is not until the 28th and social security needs proof of changes in my situation right now if they are going to reconsider my determination.  SO I line up a job back in Lynden and give notice at where I am.  Then I report to S.S.A and housing  that I had to quit my current job and ask them to hold off on their decision until after the dr.s appointment . . .then I smoothly pick up up some hours out in Lynden, but not so much that I get in trouble. And I look for something under the table.   it might work.  But I think their decision is pretty final . . they are even asking me to pay back everything I received since July.  Pay back time.

Did some yoga and that helped my hip and back pain a lot.  Got out cards and a present for Kate.  also bought myself some c.d.s. Darrell will take off on the 12th and be here the evening of the 13th. His drinking buddy last week wanted Darrell to camp out with him in some abandoned house, Darrell thought better of it and went to his aunts house.  His buddy was found frozen to death the next morning.  that could have been Darrell. and that’s often the way it all ends . . . and next time, it could well be him.  Not a fit ending for the Chief, whatever his transgressions.  he is too much of a legend.    I intervened.  I may regret it soon . . . but what’s done is done now. perhaps because I am perservering in remaining sober we wont clash so much  . . . I can be strong enough for him.  Well, what ever is is.   At least I won’t be so lonely over Christmas and have some one I can relate to other than the imagianary friend at the reading end of this journal.

December 10
3 more days before Chief returns. I ate all the little snickers and pretzels and the meatloaf too. he’s coming back to a fat woman who went grey overnight. Maybe Ill plan on throwing something in the crockpot the day he returns. I will be at work. How about spare ribs and sauerkraut. I bet he hasn’t been chowing that down on the rez. Or potatoe ham soup. Have to throw out the jello with banana bits that’s been silently awaiting his arrival too many weeks. . .Maybe make some cookies. Better yet . . . cinnamon rolls on the morning of the 13th. Not potatoe ham soup . . chicken soup. Cinnamon rolls and chicken soup. Gabooboo bread.
I feel better today. alive . . I felt absolutely horrible yesterday and thought I would faint yesterday my asthma was so bad. My stomach so upset. My clients really were concerned for me. I’ve been really really pale and pastey looking . . can’t put my finger on whats making me feel so ishy. It could be the diatemacious earth that got stirred up when I moved furniture. or perhaps an allergy to spirulina that I tried last week. Or . . as far out as it seems . . . watching my android late at night and resultant weird sleeping patterns. it’s been suggested by several people that these devices may be rigged to tamper with a persons brain waves and I don’t doubt that it’s possible, and within the rhelm of probability. Perhaps, like t.v. they create a kind of addiction that is unhealthy and makes us dysfunctional, maybe even decreasing brain function . . at any rate, I did not watch the android when I woke up last night and I feel normal today. Perky and rested. Not quite so much inflammation. Then too, all that phsiological reaction may be in response to stress . . the rent and social security thing . . which, for me, amounts to massive psychological trauma . . .a kind of P>T>S>D thing.Actually, there’s a whole lot of stuff that triggers P.T.S.D happening now.

12/12/
It’s Darrell’s birthday today. He must be in Montana, sun coming up about now. I wonder if he ever got me those damn earrings I went on such a flight of imagianation about. I chalk up two good things I accomplished on my day’s off. I tried out the Unitarian fellowship on Sunday. A number of Unitarians got a laugh out of my story about my exploratory foray to the fellowship before Halloween and how I was greeted by the grim reaper at the door and quite a panopoly of coustumed charecters. The bride of Frankenstien was playing a boogey piano as I recall. They urged me to try again and I was glad I did. The choir was absolutely awesome. They were performing a suite of nativity related pieces based I believe on medevial music. It was in middle English. The fellowship was packed and I ran into three people I knew, including Rick who was delighted to see me. I think I will put on ice the critical thinker and inner cynic for a while. I feel that simply the act of attending a celebration of positive force is good. Just as attending the womans a.a. group regularly may irritate the critical thinker in me, but again, it is the practice of going there that reinforces positive striving in my self. Just as making drives to my sacred spots . . and most of us know when we have found them . . even if they are in our own backyard, and making myself do things like go out for breakfast or coffee or buying little things for myself is good . . anything but sitting in front of the t.v. in a reciprocal relationship with information which can never be taken at face value. I don’t think that shutting oneself off from all information is good . . not everything on t.v. is garbage, it depends on what one selects . . and A certain amount of information gathering is nessesary to understanding our world . . . but addiction to information can be negative as any other addiction.
the other good thing I accomplished was moving all the furniture in the bedroom and vacuuming thouroughly. I swept under neather the heaters and there was soo much dust and crap . . no wonder my asthma got bad. Vacumed up all the dietamecious earth . . very bad for the human lungs and wiped all surfaces. Breathing problems greatly reduced now . . .
Made that chicken soup yesterday. Talked to folks in Lynden . . not so sure my panic mode strategizing about income was so spot on . . might be better to just stay where I am at Brookdale , reduce hours . . . file an appeal until I see the Dr. . . .and tighten my belt. I don’t really have major expenses coming up for a while . . once Christmas is over. I got all the winter clothes I need.
Today . . . swim, make up cinnamon rolls. All set now.
Still . . there is that level of anxiety and sadness and feeling that despite all this, I am being taken down systematically and Darrell will be the one to ‘finish the job’ . . .it depends. it’s in his best interest to protect my ‘nest’ and in my best interest to tread softly with him . . . negative people are all thrilled by the idea of another negative drama they always are. The thing is, not to think about them but to look towards spiritual forces and trust that .
Im trying to make the best of this . . .
Darrell’s cousin told me this story. Darrell was hanging with some ladyfriend who used up all his money( that he was going to travel on) and then threw him out. Darrell is always kind of weak when it comes to pussy. I saw that kind of stuff played out multiple times with street women here in Bellingham. it was cold out that night and his drinking friend, Tommy, wanted Darrell to camp with him in some abandoned house where he had plenty of blankets he said. Darrell changed his mind and went to his aunt’s house rather than keep drinking. . he was really fucked up when I talked with him. That night his friend was attacked by two kids in black wielding baseball bats and beaten . he either was beaten to death or he froze that night. It could have been Darrell. And it probably would be given a few more weeks of dropping temperatures, no car , and drinking . A part of me says . . .well, that’s the path you chose. End of Darrell, end of story, end of problem. But I couldn’t do that.
Now, is it the old parable of bringing in the frozen snake. Am I to die now of snake bite? end up homeless, beaten and frozen? Who would help me?
In Minneapolis . . . I hate to think of that frozen nightmare now, how on earth did I survive all that . . . not even kate would go out of her way, even if I was stone cold sober . . . I remember asking her if I could stay at her place a few nights . . this was after she got that job at the cookware store I believe ( the one she grabbed when she knew Id applied) . . . I was staying out in Plymouth shelter but wanted to come to town for a day . . .Kate initially agreed but then changed her mind, I need to take care of Myself me first therapy crap . . . we are talking about one night. Not a move in. there I was stuck in Minneapolis with a winter night coming on notknowing what to do because she needed to protect her own needs first . And Dan . . how many times did he throw me out in a snow bank. I remember being in so much danger that I went back to Carol and Jhonnys and crept into the furnace room for the night, only to be thrown out by Johnny because I was trespassing. . . these were people I used to rent from, live with. They were in the business of ‘caring’ for disabled adults . . . but I guess it was a business, and property takes precedence. Even Dan was obsses with [property . . . like anyone from the ghetto would want to break in and steal anything from his barren, crappy house, he didn’t even have a t.v. I knocked over a shampoo once and he sprayed a bottle of mace in my eyes . . because I was ‘destroying property’. Property, Property. Property. me myself I. So many ways of teaching a psychological model of selfishness that sounds good and healthy but is viciously cruel.

And IM THE BAD ONE??? College girls chanting Karen is the lowest of the low, Karen is a sub human, the vile woman, the despised woman, Karen is this and that and nothing but this and that . . . I dare them to try surviving what I did and see if they are so judegmental.if they come out so clean.

The point being that all these experiences and memories from Minneapolis have influenced they way I view the indigent. I know what he is feeling. Ive been there. And what can I do . . .I will not be a Dan, or a Johnny and Carol, or a Kate . . . yet I know the reality, that many people who eventually freeze to death in an abandoned houses will sting the ones who open their doors and pity the frozen snake. That’s what got them there. or being a fool over women like Darrell. or maybe in my case, men.

Dec 16

All that talk , moving furniture around in my mind, and all it did was bring me farther and farther from reality.  All that fussing over rescuing poor Darrell and making a nice Christmas, forgetting  all the Christmasses in the past where I tried to ‘make things nice’ only to get a package of meanness that ruined my Christmas .  Darrell has not been mean but no earrings.  And I found porn on the on demand recently viewed.  Really ugly porn that brought back all those bad memories . . that is sooo disrepectfull of some ones home . It really is a hostile message.  I feel repelled by him and his energy now, wondering why he would do that so early on,  and don’t want it in my house .  I guess, essentially this is what’s it’s always been about . . . him imposing on my space, wether I want it or not, stuff I don’t like and raising a shit storm of hostility if I try to set boundaries. he seems to sacrifice everything, everything anyone has done to get him independent and healthy in persuit of this,  it will probably happen again .

The one person who is really good to me and tries to give good counsel these days, and one of the few people whose psychological energy I trust . . is DorthySmith, former teacher and Unitarian.  I enjoy talking to her and her husband who has become very disabled and needs a lot of care.  Some of the girls find mr. smith a little weird or ‘creepy’ . . they don’t know what weird and creepy is . . . I find him to be a gentleman , at least towards me.  This is an era where anyone laying a hand on a bare back can be the target of a take down and ‘public shaming’ something the americans cannot get enough of,  and yet, profoundly disturbing behavior . . like that of Darrell and his brothers in regards to pornography and child molestation  and worse, is not only denied, no matter how visable, covered up from the political and media rhelm but cheered as some kind of high drama . . . as long as the target is some one WE don’t like. Even by women . . the ones who now profess feeling violated by all these groping episodes.   One of those weird things.  I don’t know if I am over reacting or not . . perhaps it is a minor thing, Darrell wants eye candy, he is coming off of drugs and alchohol and a toxic environment ( at least in regards to white women)  . . . .do I have faith that given enough rest, time away from rez toxicity, street toxicity he will drop that taste for darkness.  Do I do what I really want to do . . . just take off and leave everything behind, home, contacts,  leave a cold trail.  How I wish I could.  I feel so betrayed by everyone.

Sunday.

Was rehired out in Lynden. Great. I can make some money without killing myself. We had a nice day today. Darrell was looking much better and we went on a drive around dinner time and stopped at the drive in. My treat. We’re on friendlier terms . We laughed a lot and had fun.

Got gifts out to Dad.  I’ve had a touch of flue but feeling better now.

(later) that didn’t last long. Darrell barked at me about my choice of t.v. programming and ordered me to change the channel. I said I would watch whatever I wanted.( there’s two t.v.s) So he took off. No breakfast. He will probably be drinking and waging hostility towards me on the streets. Im back to being cast as the bitch no matter what I do. He said I knew this was going to happen. Why leave his family circle then where he had places to stay only to start up conflict again here over so little . . he was probably looking for a excuse to drink. I was real carefull not to get angry,or say anything as he packed and left other than . . I knew this was going to happen too. I tried but I guess we’re just not compatable.

Tues 19

Looks like antifa may be behind the train derailment here in Tacoma area.  Apparently they have training camps and even videos showing exactly how to do this. Darrell says it was probably Isis, that all these groups are connected. True that the Berkeley chapter did train under Isis in Syria . . .but Isis is supposed to be finished . . . if it ever really existed as we think we understand it.  I n

I guess antifa is most active here in the N.Wand in the Midwest where tracking issues and coal issues are paramount. I am reminded of Darrell ancestor chief Gall and his campaign against the railroads.

I do not ask him. About Indian business .  in fact I asked him that I preferred to be on a need to know basis. So I do not know what’s going on. If he is in hiding or up to something.  We get along better on a need to know basis.

I went and fished him out of the rain after he ran away. He was soaked and had a can of beer. We had that talk about boundaries and so on. All is o

K now. We are getting on fine.  His legs are. Swollen and hard. I had him soaking in Epsom salots and he is much better today.

Dec 25thy
Stuffed. Had a great Christmas day turkey feast and everything came out delicious. Last night we opened some gifts, just small gifts, an abalone shell and sage, a mug and so on. Today we did out ride and casino and now it is time to relax. We are getting on. The undercurrents and stresses fading . It is good to have Darrell here when he is happy and good company. I think we loved each other so . . although you wouldn’t know it given all the warring over the years. It shows in the pictures . . .as do the undercurrents when they are there. As for the undercurrents . . . christmass cookies seemed to do something magical. something about the smell of them . Darrell came out of his room and swore he saw a spider curl up under the onslaught of gingerbread odors.
I dreamt last night that I was working at a restaurant, a pizza place and I wasn’t taking the job very seriously. they showed me a list when I came in of my infractions and I was practicaly a criminal in their estimation I was so bad. Then Darrell and I were interviewing for something else . . and I insisted that we work together . . . We want to work as a team I told the employer, or we don’t work at all for you.

Notes.
Dream echoes shame over my carelessness with management at Circle of Life . . and I was careless,and took them for granted, I don’t know why because I liked those people and loved the job. And of course, I got my ass chewed. In fact this was a pattern in many employments through out my life. My insisting on Darrell and I working as a team [probably reflects my desire that we work together for our mutual best interest rather than against each other. In fact I did communicate something like that to his family. It IS pretty important that we work together at this point.

Thursday 30th

Listening to some thought provoking Gorden Maxwell and Richie Allen interviews this morning. I’ve discovered a wealth of material to dig into and am excited about that. Reading Menzies book about Minoins and finding it really interesting, like all his others. Lost Fingerprints of the Gods dang it and can’t find another copy at used bookstores.

Working diligently to resolve s.s.a and rent catastrophe. Filing an appeal today and will start paperwork with Dr. Next week. Very little to live on now.

Darrell lost another nephew to gun violence. That’s two in December. He is looking very sad . I may not have the funds but Im taking him to the Casino which always cheers him up,

12/31
I am being trained as a med tech but have a lot of doubts about wether this is a good fit. Tonight is my first night alone and ive only had 2 hours of sleep. I was upset when I came home to find another rash of ugly pornography in the recently viewed list. I went straight to bed and did not say anything because I needed to gtet as much rest as I could and confrontation is so very stressfull and demands decision making. Is it another virulent fuck you message just when things seemed optimistic and we seemed to be getting along, or is it just an old guy looking for eye candy. I guess the deciding thing is the type of pornography . . .visiting plumbers getting it on with housewives is one thing . . . movies advertising virulent white guys ‘destroying the buttholes’ of black ‘hussies’ who ‘really have it coming ‘ or movies about the same thing with younger girls is something else. what kind of co9nciousness does that appeal to? Who are the evil geniuses that know what sick markets to tap. with all the talk about busting sexual preditors anda ll the brave women coming forward no one has said anything about the really huge pornography industry and the people that run it. David Seaman may be going after child preditors . . and the Unitarian church here in town may be taking up collections for sex trade in Nepal, but no one wants to see the problem close to home, how pervasive it is. The media dog and pnoy show is ment to pacify a few ruffled feathers, make it seem as though they are on the side of growing outrage . perhaps it is because pornography appears to be consentual, and supposedly hurts no one. I think it does. the viewer is left with a very distorted idea about sexuality and may not be able to separate fantsy from reality. It is hurting me. emotionally, through symbolic messages whose hostility I cannot comprehend. Why? Why do that to some one. anyone. it hurts me to see peope busting into laughter , almost bubbling over with an evil glee they can barely contain. women too when I talked about it . . although not as many over this last episode. A few people were angry and horrified. Perhaps people are waking up a bit more.
it is human nature I think to basicly want to be deceived, to believe that we are good and loving people, our community is a good, nice , a loving place and those who speak of other forces are somehow ‘negative’ or ‘creating a problem’ or in my case, an embarrassment. when these gals take down celbreties they are called brave. if I talk about things I experience as disturbing I am a problem or an embarrassment.
it is easier to focus on Nepal to maintain ones vision of ones world as a circle of love than admit to disturbing energies close at hand. People want to be deceived about most things, and they will believe in any deception that makes them feel special, worthy, good, a winner, elevated. people don’t like truth. it makes them feel stupid to know they were taken in. They hate truth. Me included. I hate this pornography because it forces me to really look at what I am protecting and enabling perhaps, what I am willing to accept. it forces me to look at Darrell in a way I desperately don’t want to . .and that makes it hard for me to love. Loving some one feels good. We don’t like to have that taken away. because it forces me to make a moral decision. I f I find this objectionable must I cast him out? Is it a line too far. Does it become normal,am I injuring myself spiritually if I dismiss it. Do I protect the deception to be at peace with my community . . after all that is what they want. Do I diminish my own light to protect the outward harmony or the illusion of it. Questions I have to ask myself.
If I speak of what Darrell is watching others will judge ME harshly. If I do not kick him out other women will judge me. Try perhaps to get rid of me. Better to make it seem as if its all splendid?
then again, it is too painfull to realize that there is no sympathy out there . . no one to say, that is soo disrespectfull . . . or a warning of something dangerous. No . . .if I am upset then I am the ’embarressment’. and it is painfull to see all that laughter. The desire to see some one hurt.
I tell you this though . . . this situation may change if it is known that his taste in pornography includes the degradation of minority women at the hands of virile white men. They will tear him to pieces. If he had watched that stuff on a black woman’s t.v . . . they would kill him. and why is an Indian indulging in whitemens rape fantasies about minority women anyway??

New Year’s day.
Did my first overnight shift by myself and it went better than I feared it would. I had trouble scanning the pharmacy order. and was still a little confused about the process of entering MARS on this system. Im not quite as exhausted as I was in training . . . I have wo much training to do yet. I still think that I am not really suited to be a med tech . . it entails so much attention to detail and carries so much responsibility. If I am the brain dead, spacey,dingbat idiot why train me in this kind of work?? Maybe they are compassionet and actually listened when I griped about my aches and pains and social security worries . . . this IS a lot less strenuous and perhaps . . just perhaps . . . Im better, more abitiious and competent than I give myself credit for. perhaps I have it in me?? I just didn’t believe that when I was drinking too much . . because I couldn’t do important jobs that involved human lives.

<a href="http://“>

Darrell took of yesterday and again today in my car. Probably to visit Deanna. He had the dishes done when I returned. And left me some money for upcoming rent.

Dec 2
Wow. Talk about pushing it. Those guys are something else. Darrell invited Deanna over . . . which is O.K. with me. She’s sharp and I welcome a little company. But she pushes to get as much as she can too . . .she wanted my tee shirts. I gave her one and a sweat shirt. She also wanted the cot. Darrell gave it up to her. At least I know she has a cot over there for him to sleep on.
I guess there’s no heat over in her trailer right now. She ran out of wood and the store was out of those logs. She looked really worn and tired. She wants to come over and do laundry but in this building she is nota tenant so cant use the laundry room . . .the other tenents would be pissed off because there’s always people waiting for washers. I would have to spend hours waiting on that laundry if I did it myself. So I had to set a boundary. No. I can’t have the tenents here mad at me. I put parental controls on the t.v. too.
Darrell did up all the dishes again . . truthfully, I really appreciate this. I hate doing dishes. Today is fucking cold out. I pity Deanna in that freezing trailer and shes welcome to hang out here until she gets her wood, but I gotta get out and do my own thing now. Swim. maybe go havwe coffe some where and read a book.
Holidays over. social security and Dr.s stuff done . . there’s still hope. If I can keep my wages down to 1180.00 this month they will re instate the social security. wow. How do I convince my employer to reduce my hours that much??
it has to be done however. The social surety is my safety net . . if I lose a job, travel, have to flee whatever . . . it is what saves me. I can make a lot more money working full time . . . but its not a guarantee . . and I need something gaurateed until retirement.

Jan 5
Feeling really well rested this morning. Slept and dreampt a lot. I’ve been sleeping better than I have in ages. other people reporting that too . . there are forces that influence our feelings of health and well being that we cannot control, things invisible such as radio activity, chem trails even directed energy. whose to say the nausea, dizziness , disrupted sleep patterns couldn’t be from Fukashima fallout, directed energy targeting in California or spraying? We can’t know for sure. I only know that for the first time in ages I am sleeping long periods of time and feeling energetic when I awake. it may be because I am not listening too much to utube in the wee hours.
Still have not confronted Darrell about the last rash of pornography last week. It is sooo easy just to let it slide. It means im already ‘falling into place’ so to speak. . . where anything becomes normal. A state I lived in for years. already all my boundaries have been broken down and I have become compliant. Darrell pretty much has taken over my place, my car and everyone on the streets and Lummi is quietly calling victory. confrontation means a lot of trouble for me in the community. I am thinking about setting a limit at the end of January. Then again essentially it is an decision that has to do with ethics v.s survival strategy. If I tell him that the pornography issue IS important to me, and he knows it and willfully disregarded it, and that it is something I cannot condone or tolerate then that is only the beginning of my social troubles. If other people call me a liar . . and they are, or a cuckoo, and if they mock my ‘feelings’ they only need to think about how that would feel if THEY extended themselves to someone in a big way , offered their home to someone and immediately found this kind of stuff on their t.v. Would they be angry? Feel betrayed?
Ive been so focused on money and work matters right now because I NEED to get that social security reestablished before I deal with anything else. and I NEED to finish my training and learn this jo position. Did morning shift yesterday . . . the first time in a while.
Ive got a really crabby client that barks at me non stop, and a coworker that does the same , but other than that I really like morning shift. I was in a good mood and tried to radiate positivity and cheer to my peeps and didn’t let the other stuff bring me down.





November 2017

2 11 2017

Dennis Banks died.  I have hardly heard a word about it, yet he was instrumental in creating changes that bettered the lives of so many people.  people can say what they want about AIM, but they did create the Indian centers in Urban areas, they brought attention decades ago to the conditions native americans lived with and the historic injustices that still continue.  They brought back a pride in native culture.  Brought back the freedom to practice spirituality traditions, brought back Native languages.  Out here they worked to restore fishing rights.  Back in MN there were so many advances in housing and care of the indigent, the addicted, things that only now other communites are beginning to copy.

I read the tribute Gerry Adams wrote to Dennis Bank and his remembrance of their meetings and crosscurrent of ideas.

That all seems so long ago.

November 5. 2017

Ticked off. I am writing from my itty bitty android. Jack is bombarding everyone in the computer room with his thoughts on Las Vegas shooting. Driving everyone away. I guess I’ll ‘ll be doing all my blogging from the go phone now.

Went out to breakfast this morning at little Cheerfull. A downtown nook favored by a pretty professional left coast type.

I was really hungry and had my heart set on biscuit and gravy.  As I perused the menu i noted that many of the food descriptions contained words that were . .not ‘ nice’ in an intended humorous way. For example additions such as onions were referred to ‘pimping’ your burger or omlett. One of the omletts was a stupid something or other, another was called a smut. One burger was called the big stupid. The biscuits and gravy I so craved were ‘pimped’ as great for soaking up your booze.

Hmmm. So we have references to smut, pimping, boozers, and a tribute to Stupid. Wow . that must be a pretty elegant customer base.  No wonder they are so cheerful.

Then I thought of all the sex and pedofilia scandal currently surrounding the liberal Elite..  Pizzagate for example.  What if, like Pizzagate this menu at the little cheerful were coded .  . . .instead of say cheese pizza referring to a preference for boys the big stupid or the booze soaking biscuit s and gravely were coded .

. .for god knows what. I.was almost afraid to order. The future stupidgate scandal of The Bellingham elites. I  did however order the unimaginative biscuits and gravy I so craved rather than any of the More interesting and unique crab and avocado items. The waiter kind of shrugged when I ordered as ‘what do u expect’ as if I had not the sophisticated taste to try a pulled pork omlett or chorizo skillet.

The food however was delicious.

Later I called Standing Rock and finally got in touch with Darrell who was in terrible shape. I felt immediately guilty for my delicious breakfast .  What oh what is the best thing to do? Surely his family and he must.know that shipping him back on me if he’s boozing like that is going to create a worse situation than him couch surfing in Little Eagle.  He faces the same old police calls, tresspassing orders, no contact orders, life on the streets nightmare as before. Only no Dallas and Yvonne to come rescue. What am I supposed to do. Paul says just say no. Like its so easy.

Nov 6 2017

Very tired. Darrell is in jail. For what and for how long I do not know.

Nov 8 2017

I feel good this morning. My first day off. My house is in order and I,’ve not had any alcohol for almost a.month. I found myself singing ‘ Star of county Down’ as I did dishes earlier. I’ve steadily been tackling apartment tasks too.long neglected. Yesterday I went to the Salvation army and got a lift chair pretty cheap. They even delivered it. My recliner didn’t stay back so I sent it off with the Delivery guys. My back is so thankful. I slept in the new recliner two nights in a row for 8 hours or more. If Darrell does make his way here that recliner will be invaluable.

He has not been sentenced yet as far as I know but I expect his jail time will be minimal. Maybe not.  White people think the rez runs wild compared to their orderly world but in many ways its the opposite. In many ways they are quicker to recognize destructive behaviors. Darrell was allowed to run crazy for a long time up here to the lasting detriment of his physical and mentle health ( and mine) because so many guys secretly identified and lived vicariously threw his acting out. Its a lot different if it affects his own tribe.

Work is going well. I enjoy my co workers and there’s no negitive stuff.  Feels good to be stable again. Feel proud of myself for my effort to pull it together after all the destabilizing stuff the past few years. I think I will do some bead work today. Get in a swim. Cook up.

Tomarrow is pay day. There’s nothing I really need. I better just put it in Savings.

.https://jonrappoport.wordpress.com/2017/11/07/after-harvey-weinstein-is-trump-next-to-go-down/

This pretty much verifies what happened to me ( around 2004 to 208 and later )  and how it works. That is,  how women who make allegations of abuse are investigated and smeared. What is interesting here  is the role of the Moussad.

Fri Nov 10

Pay day. Darrell gets out of jail on Saturday.  My car is not starting.

I just finished watching this very compelling video:

(Later) Funny. I just watched the video and now I’m seeing that it’s unavailable. Ole Dammergard is the guy to look up on u tube.   I may have to download the video and then add it to my library to insert it properly into the blog.  Too difficult on android.

Jack is still going on about how the computers are so compromised in this building . . . says it’s apparent every time he tries to access Lucid dreamer on u tube.  Maybe . but I’m so used to it after all these years I hardly get excited about.it now.   Getting some pisses off looks as I walked around town Yesterday.  Maybe my spoof on Little Cheerful rubbed the wrong way.  I don’t know.

Decided to follow Paul’s advice and just say no. Sent the message through LeRoy.Shit will start for me soon no.matter how I handle it. I will be branded a creep if I don’t let him stay with me . . .and weak and stupid if I do. Either way it will be continued social violence.Saying NO could very well mean a death sentence .

Or is that just bluff to bully.me? At any rate I am old.Dying doesn’t frighten me at this stage . . .but dealing with more crap in my own home does. I guess my brief respite of peace and healing is over. Already I am having problems with tense shoulders headaches and anxiety attacks.
Sunday
20 minutes before my taxi. Nothing wrong with car. Just needs battery charging.
Talked to Darrell yesterday. He is o.k. now. Be back next month,possibly.
Treated myself yesterday. After my swim I dressed up
A bit in snazzy boots and leggings and jean skirt, then walked around town a bit browsing. Found a used copy of ‘ Fingerprints of the God’s which made mymorning. I went over to Lucky Monkey and bought myself some earrings and a a few decorative things for my place. Then I dropped by bayou on the bay and had an appetizer of popcorn shrimp. Which was over done.All of a sudden my sense of fun felt forced and ridiculous and I felt exhausted. I felt as if I was ridiculous,trying to be something I was not. Whenever I try to ‘join’ the community instead of just being comfortable in sweatshirts I feel laughable. I just wanted to be home quickly in a sudden collapse into depression.
Now I may be getting pre diabetic and what I’m experiencing are sudden changes in blood sugar. But perhaps there’s an emotional component as well.
Bayou on the Bay used to be Stuart’s. A popular coffee shop. Swi Kanim used to play there back when the group identified with Sherman Alexi and independent film was big in this area.
I remember how , when I first came to Bellingham, before Darrell Got here,I sometimes went to Stuart’s to hear Swi Kanim play. I bought myself a violin of.my own on my first trip to Lummi. A nice one that I fixed up and played a lot. I went to gatherings and festivals of all sorts and felt I was gradually taking in a ‘ scene’. I sensed some reluctance to my presence in this area . . but not absolute. It was in the background and nothing I felt I couldn’t overcome with time.
How did it all go so very wrong. How did I end up being what I have become. I had a lot of energy then. A.lot of good energy which I extended to Darrell when he came. How did it ever get so bad.
I remember looking out the windows of old town cafe and Stuart’s at the water, the mountains and the boats and feeling so happy to be back in what I felt was My true environment . . .like the lifestyle I once had in Eugene and the Coast of Oregon. Like I wwas finally free to be my true self, live the kind of lifestyle I wanted .
.but it turned out I was wrong. That was not to be..
And now,at this point in my life my attempts to recreate that feeling are a sad pathetic joke. I walk like a turtle. I can’t wait to sit down. I never can recapture a sense of joy and optimism. I do not create.much of anything . . not artwork, not music. I never have much humor about anything and I always have a sense of futile struggle for mere survival against odds.

Wednesday
A few minutes before work. I found a niche . . .a spot that re creates the fun I once had in my Eugene days. Its called Homeskillet. Lots of old hippies there. Reminds me of Mom’s Homefried Truck stop only.more playfully. More like the many coffee shops in Minneapolis frequented by art students. Only better. I had a plate of hash and delved into into Fingerprints of the God’s which was more accessible and engaging than I expected. And I was happy. In EUGENE I used to go to the High St. Market to meet friends. I liked fresh baguettes with butter and coffee in the mornings. In the afternoon fresh baguettes with red wine at cafe xenon or the excelsior. At moms truck stop it was always Homefried salsa and eggs with homemade toast.
I met a lot of friends there.
Time for work. Sent some bucks to darrell.
Nov 16 Thurs
Spent a few hours learning about light body and assention. But my heavy soul was back when I opened up a letter from social security threatening to end my social security. It certainly looks that way . . . after all the battle I went through over that 3 or 4 monthes ago. I guess the brief sense of accomplishment I felt for pulling myself together financially has penalty. Or punishment,depending on how you look at it. My rent will go up again too. Again, that feeling of futile sense of struggle against odds. My happiness was short lived. . .
I should be gladdened by my life, I know, it could be worse.But . . .
Darrell called. He will be back. ( Probably because I have a car).so much for peace quiet and determining the choices and quality of my own private life.
Al Franklin I see, is the latest to be accused of bad behavior. And it’s such a small incident compared to what I believe orchestrated rape culture did to me during the hey day of Air America in Seattle. I still believe Franklin played a part in the ‘campaign and the cover up’ here in WA. And I still believe he worked with the tribes in this in return for Political power. There’s a lot of things that led me back in about 2004 to this analysis, I didn’t just pull it out of a hat. A lot of people told me a lot of stuff.
If true, this was a lot more serious than some groping incident. But unless it were ever investigated formally there is not much I can do about it except wonder why his opponents never seized on it.

Friday
Cannot sleep. Such an overwhelming sense of pain and despair. Suddenly it all comes back. How can any one carry on having gone through such a prolonged theater of pain. I usually try to cultivate a positive spirit and live in the present, focusing on small goals and the things that give me small happiness, things that capture my interest.
But sometimes it all comes back, the enormity of all the lies and injustice.
The Air America bunch later went on to MSNBC. Al Franklin became a senator in MN. Also ,I recall,on the (sub?) Commitee on Indian affairs. When I wrote in the past that I suspected a sweetheart deal a concealed effort was launched to brand me a liar. I remember clearly around 2007 watching the Racheal Maddie show and some one some guests discussing my ‘ unpopularity’ up here. Nobody likes her they commented . . .as if this were 4th grade peer pressure. No one seemed to question wether it was right or ethical or even journalism for that matter because that was the tone of the time . . the court of public opinion as they called it as if that were any kind of objective ‘ truth’. Of course they called it that.
Many,many times I’ve expressed my feelings about all that. Tried to explain how a dishonest smear was run at the street level via Darrell and others with him . . .as well as from above.
Liberals congratulated themselves on how it was coming along.and still do. Lets finish the job etc . . .etc . . .it was all rationalized as for the good of the many. My anger at this was considered proof of my toxicity . . .the cause. They considered it a game. I remember some guest pointing out to Rachael Maddie that this was the worst smear in American history. Her response was:
“We did it because we could.” And a shrug. So flippant. And that’s how it was.
No repercussions at all.
Years later I would be compared to the black snake, the threat because I wrote of the impact of a pattern of abuse, personal and social that continued. The threat to the community. The threat to the family.
Now I am feeling threatened again . . .like I will never be free. Soon my home will not be my own again. I fear the personal abuse will become public once again. Its still ongoing but at least I’ve had control of my own space the past 5 or 6 years.
I canno live that way any more. Must I give up everything I own and anonymously go on the run?
The past few years I did everything I could to put things on a positive footing . . .I remember the Christmas party I threw . . dinner and gifts for Darrell and Donna who had no a Christmas to go to. Then the vicious hatfull commentary I received right after that. Fuck this and duck that. Tuck you and duck your hat.
And much worse.
The whole sadness of being called home multiple times.only to be kicked out . . .the last time I had to take a.pounding from Darrell the whole way. It will start again as soon as he comes here in December. Then the whole community will pick it up.
It would have taken so little for my father to help me re establish myself. So little for the counselors I appealed to for help to.pick up that phone and get me placed anonymously in a shelter somewhere. . .but that ment admitting there was a problem here that was a threat to me. Perhaps they did not wish for me to escape. They say now . . .we harassed her because she was a creep. As if it were a minor thing. Am I? Have I kidnapped any one? Planned to rape them. Decided they deserved it. Decided some had to die because I didn’t like them.gone out of my way to hurt them in the biggest way possible? Have I decided to live off some one. Considered it.my right to use and trample some one because I was more important?
I saw the Trump speech about China recently where he said he did not blame China for taking advantage of the US. In fact he praised China for this. China was only looking after its own people.
Did anyone realise the depth of meaning in the principle he was expound ing? Might makes right. The strong are to be praised for taking advantage of the weak. Is that what our constitution is about? Yet . . .I heard little protest. Is that what we are?
Jeeez here I am . . venting my Vile negativity . . .. As they say.
Because I am feeling trapped..Despair. Confusion too .
.as I realize that I am at fault too for not sending clear signals. For not being able to say in life what I put into my journals.
I suppose I feel sorry for darrel with winter coming on. I’ve been to Standing rock several times. I got an idea what its like. Probably he had fun hanging out p as trying for a while but that gets old for an old man with health concerns. He doesn’t sound as mean and hateful towards me as he was. He even got me some earrings. He promises to be sober. And its only for a few months . . .surely I can rise to the occasion for a few months. Maybe he genuinely misses the good days of the ‘nest’ when we were in better step.

 

Saturday 19th

Did pretty good at the market today. Was only there 3 hours but made 4 or 5 sales. Want to relax a bit before day is over. A fun day. People saying I looked angry this morning  and down however,stressed. They may be guessing correctly when they ascertain it has to do with Darrell planning to stay with.me.

I was just thinking of this Irish or Scottish ballad called If I were a blackbird. All about some woman who was seduced by a sailor and then abandoned and now pined for him ,wishing to be a blackbird following his ship. Its a wonderful, plaintive melody . So sad, so tragic ,until you really think about it. The sailor seduced her with fine ribbons. She put out for a ribbon.  If I did that I would be embarrassed to admit it . Leave it to the Irish to make a  song out of it.

A ribbon. And here I am .. .letting myself get played for a pair of earrings. He loves me! He promised me earrings. Is it so very different?

My gosh but we women, starved for any scrap of validation will make so much of so little.

I can offer Darrell two weeks. That’s it. He will only make trouble for me and take advantage. I can loose my housing and more if I open my doors to him given his past behaviors and attitude towards me and my home. He.lives for conquest. It is not even a question of basic respect so All foolish romanticism dispersed with . .

Two weeks. That is as long as I can legally have a guest. And I must enforce the drug laws here . .even though pot is legal it is not allowed here. Nor is indoor smoking. I expect he will last about two days max before he says fuck you and either does it anyway Or takes off.

I know that I will be right back in the same old situation . . .unloved women in the lobby watching every move for an infraction to report .

 

(Later)

Because they want me to be in the same club they are. I worry about myself when they start befriending, including and advising me. Especially in regards to Darrell. Then i wonder if they are including me because I am in ‘fear’ mode . . which is defensive and a position of weakness to some percieved power . . . or ‘pain’ mode which is similar to fear mode . . agian it is giving power to something or some one on the outside . .  .

The oppiosite of this is love mode. Not greater strenghth, greater toughness but love.  Sometimes love is unwise. Sometimes fear mode or protective mode seems wisest.  But resistance creates resisitance.  Anger creates Anger.  People are attracted to happiness, a joyfull spirit. Loving spirit.

when i went out of my way to extend love to Darrell when he was down and out instead of the righteous “you brought that on yourself go to the mission’ . . .creativity was the result. He had a deep soul that had the potential for great light, and great darkness . . .  The ‘demon’ as i used to call it . . retreated when love was matched with bravery.  he had no respect for those without bravery.    I used to think quite deeply about the forces of good and evil . . .I based it on my intuition, not reading . . .

This little club that offers love and friendship based on commen experience of fear, or percieved abuse is actually based on weakness. Or cowardness.  And that club can turn vicious should I violate the rules . . . that is , base what I choose to do about Darrell on the love principal, rather than fear. If I ‘defy the rules’ in order to protect him.  they will tell me I am like the lass who put out for the promise of a ribbon . . they will use metiphors of pimps and being ‘played’ or ‘conned’ which implies that I am dumb and they are brillient and wise.   But then, they are not experienceing life. That is the hallmark of a spiritually shallow person.  Life is a balence of the masculine and feminine and both have power and need to be respected as spiritual forces. To miss out on masculine mystery is to miss out on a great deal of life force.  And the same is true of men who have sealed themselves away from any feeling for women.

But yes, some people, many people are dangerous, can be a real threat.

I was just watching some videos by David Icke . . a very controversial figure.  Like many people, I find his theories about the reptilian bloodlines a bit hard to absorb. I find myself wondering is he mad or brillient . . . or both.  But when he was talking about Satanism and the rituals of sacrifice that began in Summarian times were symbolically enacted through the cruxifiction and continue in the world, particularly in the United states  and he used the insiders phrase ” it’s our little secret” it made my blood run cold.  I have heard that . . always in connection with a killing . . it’s our little secret . . . and then too, in connection with ‘what went down’ out here . . . .it’s our little secret . . . years and years ago I wrote about understanding this as a deamonic force. I desribed it as a spider web. I had a sense of something cold blooded at the center . and i had the feeling that people in power, in the media, knew exactly what i was trying to get at . . intuitively grasping something.  Most of that stuff I erased , large portions of that record . . (it’s probably all still in the NSA database somewhere) . . . nut I was astonished to find in the video i was watching early this morning that David Icke used the same phrases and metiphor.

But . .

I have come across people here that i believe are almost entire governed by the principal of love. Some of my co workers in Lynden were like that . . very loving people towards the weak and helpless, even when they were assholes or ‘undeserving’ and isn’t that the message in the new testiment? In Buddism and other great traditions?  I thought of how, when i was reminiscing about the things I loved in Darrell’s company and charecter and some of the good things in our relationship how two eagles , fully mature, did this beautifull dance above me when i went to work that night.  There are forces we can line ourselves up with that are so much greater than ourselves . . our ordinary senses are so limited.

And if it seems I am ascribing too much cosmic importance to it all . .after all, Im just a lass deciding wether to take the ribbon . . .or earrings in my case . . . we are all cosmic.

So if I act on the isolating protective principal . . the I like being alone in my apartment and do not want change   . . . I will become . . . a member of the club.  it is a warning perhaps that my soul could be greater depending on what i choose, what i alinge myself with, how i percieve things.

 

Monday

its going to be an OK day.  Ill do food bank,get in a swim. Go weep and moan to Social Security about how I am one and a half years away from retirement and PLEEEEEEEEEEZ do not take away my s.s.a. just because Im working doesn’t mean i should be.  My clients can see the asthma and the strain and the physical pain . . . its sapping all my energy which is why I am so often in defensive mode when i get to my own apartment. But is it such a refuge? heck . . . let’s say, worst case . . darrell gets me in trouble with housing . . . the tenents gang up and report any infraction . . . or he is angry and abusive . . . .I lose this refuge.  I have a car.  I pack up and leave everything behind.  And I mean everything and everyone.  I go see Chaco canyon or the tar pits or some damn thing. Go live in my car in Northern Cali .

I made one final offer to my Dad. You help me with moving in costs for an apartment in St. Cloud and i will be on hand, for free, as a daughter ought to.  If he is so domininated by the idea that I am ‘garbage’ . . which is racism . . above his natural blood ties and affections then, that is his own tragety. Mt family id very close to losing touch with me absolutely . . .and they will cry in the next years when there are funerals and lonliness and I am no where to be found.

Darrell , without my help may very well die before his time.  Pnuemonia.  alchohol related issues.  That I know is NOT my responsibility. Exept as a human being who still feels a bond and connection with his feelings.   It is his familys responsibility though, they also feel a bond with his feelings.  They also care about his life. But it seems they are trying to dump it on me .  After all that judgement  anger and retaliation at me for being deficent.

Depending on what time of  day it is , my thoughts on this vary.  if I am exhausted and in pain I am abrupt, intollerent and snappish.Even angry at the world.    I get more magnanimous on my days off.

Im into my second month of not drinking and still going through changes, most of which I recognize, having been there before.  Sensitivity to blood sugar changes.  Moods of extreme oneryness.  When i quit drinking i talk a lot more.  My thoughts rise and swirl like a cloud of birds. ( Blackbirds)  Sometimes too dissconnectedly. My INTP personality type emerges like something too long trapped by a blanket of fog. It frees itself from the mundane and heads into speculation beyond the grounding of earth and sometimes gets lost in the unfamilier.  I try to anchor it down as I write. And that is how David Icke gets thrown in with the lass who put out for a ribbon in a train of thought.  It’s usually at this point , talkative, onery and speculative that i end up pissing some one off . . . something happens then, often in the past i wonder why hurt feelings have gotten me drinking again.

After a couple more months things will steady out.  Usually by month 4.

Poor LeRoy, the go between between Darrell and I. I say one thing.  Then another.  Darrell is trying to plan the next couple of months and I am being so ambivolent.

I got a lot on my plate right now,

What i can do today is go get a sleeping bag, a thick foam pad just to be prepared. The thick foam pad can go on the bed, which is too hard for Darrell’s back, or the livingroom floor depending on how well we get on.  The Foam pad is a good idea.  It can be rolled up and stashed away during non use.  I can get a good sleeping bag for cheap at value village.

Should i give it a leap of faith??  Where would he go if things don’t work out here . . that’s my worry.  He could end up in a worse situation than couch surfing in Standing Rock.  It is wet and cold out there.  His other girlfriend is married, he can’t stay there.  Paul, having gotten Darrell  so in debt to him with easy credit that he lost his apartment will not help him now. he’s mad because Darrell owes him some money . . . yeah, and who was covering Darrells losses so Paul got paid last year . . . me.  How many times did I warn Darrell that Paul might seem a friend but he was still a businessman. Your drug dealer is never your friend. White boys like him always , no matter how much they profess friendship to Darrell, always secretly believe and need to prove that they are so much smarter and slicker.

All these so called friends that he set above me . . giving me the last seat, where are they now?? where is Adrienne. who did so much for him?

Need to get some breakfast.  pamper that bloodsugar.

(Later) a juice of beets, carrots, apples,spinach,ginger, blue algae and spiulina has me feeling better. Not so bitchy. Got that foam pad and a sleeping bag. I can always use that too If I hit the road.

Talked with s.s.a and straightened things out. A miscalculation in projected wages.  I’m ok for now.

Recliner. Foam pad. Sleeping bag. I should be all set. I gave Darrell a two week ultimatum.

(Later) had rough evening. Went swimming and then became ill. Asthma attack and headache and pain all over. Went to women’s a.a. but my head was buzzing and throbbing so much and I was so stressed and in so.much pain I had yo leave. Even the sound of voices irritated me. I felt like crying..

I recognized the episode as a potential relapse so I took a shower and went to the pot store. I got an acdc joint . . .not too strong but with lots of cbc or whatever its called that eases anxiety and pain. By golly it worked. I feel so much better

So much. Calm and relaxed and pain free but not too high. Just right for my needs.

11-21

So where are all these indictments we were expecting?? Wasn’t there supposed to be about 800?  What’s up Trump??

11-23

I guess there have been a lot of indictments. More than a thousand if what I am hearing is correct.  It’s just not in the mainstream media.

I ve been watching a bit of Robert Steele.  I guess he ( an ex cia guy) sent letters to Trump and Sessions , letting them know exactly how to open the massive NSA files to get what they needed to go after the pedophile and worse, Satanic rings.  If what Robert Steel is saying is right, and i believe he is an expert to pay attention to, then most members of congress are being blackmailed, and a lot of it by Zionists.  He proposesa clemencey for that.  give up the names of the blackmailers.  He identifies a lot of problems and offers solutions he hopes the president will pay attention to to bring down the deep state and other things.  The problem is that Trump may not take his advice.  Trump needs to do some election reform or he is likely to be ousted  and a democratic congress and Senate elected.  What Steele proposes is the end of the federal reserve and national banking systems ,  got to go . . jack has entered the computer room.

Nov 24

Just waiting for the sun to come up. Lots to do today, my day off before a string of work days..steadily working on my continuing education classes the past two weeks. I am sleeping better and my concentration is better. And my retention of information.

Nov 26

A minute before work.  Talked with Kate a few nights ago . . . the conversation came back to our growing up years with what we ascertained were Moms personality problems  and how the things that have become exageratted in Alziemers were always present. We recalled bad episodes and how we coped.  I hate going back and talking about that stuff . . .At any rate, Kate came to St. Cloud and did an intervention with family members and doctors and a social worker and Mom was prescribed an powerfull anti pschotic.  Dementia care was stressed

and Dad and my sister Lynn did a cursory exploration but then seem to have let it drop.  Which means that Mom’s emotional needs,her needs for stimulation and company remain unaddressed and she is now under what i consider chemical restraints to make things easier for Dad.  This saddens me.  Yes I remember some pretty disturbing personality episodes with Mom . . . but also I remember snuggling up to her and her scratching my tummy when i was very young, I remember running to her for reassurance, and helping her make cakes and cookies and sitting on the grass blowing on blades of grass to make trumpet sounds.  I found myself very disturbed by the conversation with kate . . . felt so uncomfortable. I litterally lost track of time . . could not remember what day it was and wondering if id lost track and was supposed to be at work.  Kate had a deep seated need all her life to get rid of rivals . . she wanted to be the baby again, be loved and coddled but instead of was sort of lost and ignored when lynn was born. I recognized quite early the deadly intensity of that . . which is why no one really wanted to be around her.  She wanted to punish everyone for not giving her the love she wanted. I think she finally did.

Nov 27

Maybe not fair to kate.  She tried awfully hard, at great expenses to herself to find a solution to the problems related to the quality of life and safety issues in our aging parents lives .

We both did.  and to some degree she was more more sucessfull than I.  Mom may have dementia but part of the reason she may have resistance to our presence now is because we both lashed out at her a number of times as adults.  I own my stuff . . it really hurt and upset Mom . Those episodes were in responses to her btying to boss me when I had too much to drink. Something i did when Darrell and i were drinking and he tried to boss or pick on me. Not very pretty.  I was cut out of the family for this for quite a while . . .

Kate tended to use controlled therapy sessions to dump her ‘scenes’ on Mopm and Dad when they would be forced to listen or ‘be confronted’ as they like to call it in Minnesota.  They are always trying to ‘confront’ . . people for their behavior which, in actuallity, means judgement, stoning, abusive labeling . . . and often, hypocrasy as i found out in my own massive ‘we are confrionting her  thing i went through.

I remember ‘family day’ when i went into treatment in MN. My sisiters and folks showed up . . . kate spoke first. She quickly dismissed me . . ..saying she did not want to know or be associated with me, because of  politically offensive cartoon Id penned.  MN was beginning a PC absolutist owellian nightmare about then and it would get much worse in the next 15 years  before it died down with the challenges of alt media.  That was it . . she erased me.  No concern about my life , no wish to know anything about what Id been through, how i felt  . . . obnly the desire to erase me . She then turned on Mom and Dad and screamed at them for an hour  . . she made ‘my day’ sopposed to be about MY family relations into HER day . ./ she screamed out her rage at being mistreated and supposedly unlioved and berated them in front of that whole group untill she left.  When i tried to speak i was told to just shut up and listen . . . it was ALL about Kate taking over and punishing by temper tantrum.  This is the sort of thing Mom is remembering, the grudge she carries . . and perhaps the emotional fear she she has.  Yes . . . . Mom attacked us alot when we were kids, she hurt us a lot with her words . . . so Mom was no innocent. But then , I believe we all carried a a bit of that learned behavior within us more than we want to admit.

I could tell a few tales about the way Kate related to me when we both lived in Minneapolis that don’t shed a very compassionet light.  I remember for example when I went ice skating with her . . .I told her a bit about living at Dan’s house.  He’s kind of predjudiced guy i said, but he has really  helped me out.  I told her about how I had applied at a store in Calhoun Square that sold kitchen supplies and how i felt I was a good candidate because i had worked as a professional cook  and lived so close by.  i felt it would be the best thing for me to get that job because i could get to my feet and meet some cool people in that  area.  Kate rushed right out on that tip and applied for that job and got it. I remained in poverty which created a lot of problems for me in the months that followed.  That is competiveness  that is hard to ignore . . .Dan insisted that we go to one of her dinners the morning after he had sprayed mace in my eyes . . . she did not notice thi so busy was she trying to be the winner for Mom and Dad . . . then, when I got out of Dan’s place and  i was ‘brought low in Dinky town she witnessed this . . we were on a bus and i was under the controll of ‘Rocky’ . . most people would think . . my sister looks like she is in trouble, somethings not right . . . . they would do something to help that person from reaching Rock bottom . . . but she mearely turned her head and smiled to herself.  Dad too should have been able to see for himself what was going on when he visted . . . put he copped out without i dont understand those kind of things.   No normal instincts at play there.  Later, that chapter of my life would be used to denigrate me as if I had chosen all that . . .further reason to shut the doors on Kare.

We get along now and i make an effort to forgive, forget and move on . . . . there are reasons that Mom shuts everyone out now . . . and none of us is completely faultless.

Nov 29

A story i read on facebook in response to Mega churches posting.  I guess this brings back the feelings of compassion. And remembering how my own family treated me when I became homeless ( something I forgave and forgot after much anger and pain)   and how horrifying and despairing and awfull  and hopless and alone i felt.  Perhaps i’ve been shutting the doors on those memories. Thinking too much about the troubles I had when i extended myself to my friend from those days in Minneapolis when he came to Bellingham, just when life was opening up to me..  yes, I resented having all that put on my back again and yes, there is a part of me that would like to close the door.  have some peace in my old age . . . and yet, defensive thoughts bring me no peace, no sense of being connected or having meaning.  and here is this story I read just now that has me wondering if that dying man could be Darrell now . . . .

The last time I was homeless, not so long ago really, I found a drunk, elderly African American man semi-conscious across the street from a homeless shelter in Jacksonville, Florida. I tried to rouse him up because it was down in the teens that night and wasn’t able to get him up. I went across the street to the “church funded” homeless shelter and asked them if I could bring the man in for at least a while so that he didn’t die from hypothermia. They asked if he was drunk and I didn’t lie and said yeah he was a bit drunk. They absolutely refused to let him in. I said if they didn’t let him in he would definitely die from hypothermia. They told me that if I could sober him up they’d let him in. I asked if they had anything warm to drink, like coffee. They gave me a cup of coffee and I took it to him but couldn’t get him to drink any of it at all, frankly, he was too drunk and likely beginning to be hypothermic to be responsive at all. I went back and said that he was too hypothermic to drink and that he needed to be indoors to warm up or he was for certain going to die. Then they asked me if I was a Doctor, of course, I’m not one. They suggested I call the police. I did that and the operator said they couldn’t dispatch a unit unless there was a crime in progress. I said if a guy dying on their streets wasn’t a crime I didn’t know what was, she said she’d try to get a car dispatched. I asked the shelter for some blankets and they said they couldn’t spare any. To end the story, the cops never arrived and try as I might I couldn’t get the guy up and honestly I was down to about 135 pounds at the time and couldn’t lift him. So I tried to cover him up with what stuff I had and tried like hell to warm his hands and feet and put my knit wool hat on him. About half an hour later he stopped breathing. I called the cops again and said they’d either send an ambulance right away or they’d be sending the coroner’s van. No one showed up. He died right there in front of me. Fifty feet from a church-funded homeless shelter and he died from hypothermia. I can’t say for sure, but if he’d been white and in suit and tie I suspect they’d have let him in their shelter, as it was just another homeless black guy died on the streets of Jacksonville, Florida. I searched the newspapers for days in the library for any news about the guy and found not a word about him. I used to go to the spot and one night I found a black couple placing some flowers there. I asked them why they were doing that and they said that their uncle had passed away right there. He’d been a Vietnam Veteran and his wife had passed away a few years before and he just lost it and started drinking and they tried to help him but he refused any help. They tried to kind of kidnap him to take him to the VA Hospital but at a red light he’d jumped out of the car and they were never able to find him after that. They’d see him in places and were never able to catch him to take him back to their apartment. I told them about what had happened, the whole story. They were crying and hugged me and thanked me and tried to give me money, which I refused. Then they left the flowers and a drawing that their daughter had done for him and walked away holding on to each other to be able to walk. The guy was just a few years old than me, seriously like maybe 8-10 years older and he looked like he was 80 years old. The street and drinking will do that to you. So, that’s one of the reasons I’m not a fan of these mega-churches when they could have saved that guy, they followed their rules and didn’t do a damn thing to keep a child of God from dying right across the street from their shelter. You have to know that they watched the coroner’s van come to pick him up and although he might not have made it anyway, they didn’t even try to help. I have a lot of stories about the homeless that are heartbreaking, but that’s one that I will never forget. I’m sitting here crying just typing this, what a waste.

 

 





october 1 2017

5 10 2017

Today has gone smoothly. Everyone back on friendly terms. Pot Roast in the oven. Took Mom out for a haircut and what a transformation!! 22181386_1546361698762418_496715530032410936_oIt sure made her happy!! I really hate to have to leave . . don’t want to go back to WA when things are going O.K. . . they need me. or some one. I can’t just leave them. Mom fell on the floor while Dad and i were getting groceries. She didn’t injure herself but could not get up. Dad, when he came home, could not see well enough to help up. I got her to her feet and scolded her a bit for not wearing life alert. What happens when i go. It will be the last time i see them together i think.
I wish I hadn’t fallen into such an agry mood . . i didn’t show it yesterday but i thought I would go crazy . . .I was sooooo upset when Mom attacked me . . . triggered a whole lot of stuff . . . she was upset because i was making soups. Id just gotten work lined up for next week and had planned to stay at least untill Kate arrived. I really wanted to re establish myself here to be nearby . . and when that is thwarted . . .over nothing . . . .what do I do? What can I do? Ugly feelings flood me. Well tonight we will go for a drive . . .

 

October 5

Back in Bellingham.  Feels wierd.  so empty. After the last entry I was feeling pretty good, Dad asked me to stay awhile and Mom was in agreement.  Then the next morning she went on the attack again . . this time really nasty and resentfull . . the usual stuff about wanting HER house back, and how spoiled I was, and how she didnt want free loading . . . . .so i went out for a drive and looked at apartments. There were a few that were do able but . . . not enough time to run a background check. So I just took the train back.  I hate to leave Dad.

I don’t really want to be in Bellingham now either . . i feel so alone.  Darrell is really truely gone and that has been weighing on me heavily.  Everyone is gone now.   There is nothing.

Something about the mass shooting in Vegas makes me suspicious that it is a rightist false flag designed to turn the public against antifa . . more than they already are,  That is the supposed literature they found in the car.  How is it that literature is always conveniently found when there is a large terrorist event that is suspiciously from the ‘left’.

It is my belief that both parties do false flag.  I believe the  democrats may have staged at least part of the charlottesville . . it fits the profile, has all the tell tale signs . . just as this most recent terror attack has all the calling cards of an attempt to demonize antifa.  Not that antifa isn’t doing a pretty good job of demonizing themselves in the public mind lately.

 

Oct 7

Talked to Darrell today.  His car broke down.  Thinks it’s the starter.  Kate is stepping in tomorrow back in St. Cloud, MN.  Had fun talking to the ladies outside yesterday and laughing it up.  Haven’t laughed much lately.  One lady offered me her sewing machine.  Some one else dropped a whole box of groceries at my door step.  This ment a lot to me.  I regularly,usually about once a week, went to the food bank and brought over a box of groceries to Darrell’s place.  Apparently , it did not go unnoticed.  Some of the owmen here act like I should be glad that ‘I finally got rid of that guy.’ But I put a stop to that kind hen talk.  He is what he is, is all I said.  Went over to his place . . . all locked up and emptied out now.

Made a bunch of encheladas and tostadas.  Was really humgry.  Watched Graham Hancock and was inspired to make up a reading list, including some of his books.  This ought to keep me enthused about something.  Also ran into a former co worker from Lynden who urged me to return to work out there.

I might.

Did a little more research into the Las Vegas shooting.  I am thinking now that perhaps it was a covert arms deal gone wrong .  perhaps the F.B.I set up a clandestine arms deal with ISIS and when ISIS caught on to it they did the shooting as a warning or punishment.  There are so many questions about multiple shooters . . more and more the evidence seems to support it.  questions about how in the world so many guns were smuggled into a casino which such tight surveillance . . unless of course, Shecky or whaterver his name is, was in on it, at least the arms deal part of it.  Then of course, there are some on the internet, including a former C.I.A man who participated in many a clandestine op, saying that it looks like the Zio-Cons.  Who benefits?  who would benefit from this tragedy? That’s the question.

Oct 12

 

http://www.whatdoesitmean.com/index2400.htm

scarey stuff.

Everyone converging on Harvey Wienstien.  10, 12 years ago MSNBC was a platform for blatent myisgany . . Kieth Oberman, Martin Beshir.  Now they decry the debasement of women.  Hypocrits.

Oct 13

Work lined up for next week.  I am torn.  Part of me really wants to just jump in the car and head on down the road while I can but perhaps it would be better to collect a few funds first.  Dropped off a box of squash and greens and taters over at the Dudleys but no one was downstairs so I didn’t get a chanch to visit.  Paul and Becky not even speaking to me.  I took ‘their’ car back from them leaving them without transportation.

I have been watching videos as they come out about all the new data coming out on the Las Vegas shooting. Forensic analysis of gun fire has proven without a doubt that there were multiple shooters. One at about 400 yeards from concert, one at about 250 yards.  Helicopters and drones have even been suggested but most of the intelligent investigation is focused right now on where the shooters were firing from.  It does not seem likely the Steve Paddock did any of the shooting at all.

A closer look at the body shows shell casings on top of a blood pool. Reports that rigor mortis was setting in by the time the body was found so he probably was shot before the shooting even began.

Apparently there was a series of calls made to the police just before the massacre reporting shooting at other hotels other than the Mandele. all turned out to be flase reports.  Apparently this was a decoy to buy the shooters some time.   This explains why it took so long for police to respond.

I saw the videos of the taxi cab where muzzle flash could be seen in the side view mirror of a nearby  taxi.  By tracing the route of the taxi it was able to locate the vicinity of the shots.  also carefull analysis, using mathematics and physics to determine how far the trajectory of the bullets was . . and the solid evidence of a second shooter at 250 yards.

Now the question is WHY?  I suspect we will not really know for years. There is speculation that it has to do with increased control, increased surviellence . . . even martial law. A  call for greater surveillance means big profits .  There’s talk about MGM making money . . .something about withdrawing stock and then rebuying it when it fell.  All that will come out in time.

There’s even discussion about it being a Moussad op. Robert Steele was proposing this.  Say, as retaliation for not getting rid of Assad or some failure to carry out something they wanted.

And then of course, the usual patriot cry about false flag events being staged to get rid of second amendment .

I have a lot of thoughts on the Harvey Wienstien business too. I remember well how years ago, going back as far as Madison I fell such people as he were harassing me, making an inside joke of my distress , kicking me while I was down , professing absolute indifference, insisting on playing God,re arranging the true facts of my life to demonize and create an example  to show who was god. . . and I wasn’t even a celebrity. Just some one who’se personal drama got on their radar.   What I picked up on  was the absolute arrogance of a Hollywood culture that felt they could invent anything , say anything, destroy anybody, create any narrative . . .just because they could.  So it doesn’t break my heart to see them ‘get it’.  But what bothers me is all the righteous fury, all the indignation, all the condemnation . . . in my case it was right out there for every one to see . . . . and they loved it.  Women too.  And most of it was coming from the liberals . . . . who are now so shocked at the behavior of Hollywood mougals.  Oh bullshit. Bullshit.

Oct 18

Not having any luck lining up work . . . fish season is starting and ordinarily, when i was inbetween jobs that kind of work was always a gauranteed fall back.  I’m good at pinboning Salmon.  But this year has been terrible for the fisheries . . . they aren’t calling in the temps much.  I did get one call back yesterday from a demo gig . . partime demos at grocery stores.  Well, that’s O>K> for now . . . I could go back to work at Cascade Connections in Lynden i suppose.  I will give Jan a call today.  My account is overdrawn now so i really need to get some cash together NOW.    I had to get some fall sweats and long sleeve shirts and stuff.  also, i was sipping that wine for a bit , along with eatting really unhealthy foods like friend mushrooms and Brie . . . .Started swimming every day now and almost back to normal.

Scott Binsack, who was puttting out many of the more interesting videos on Las Vegas was issued a warrent.  So he has, in effect beeen gotten rid of.  Jack was down at the computers the other morning , sharing his theories with me . . he is the son of a professor, and despite a personal style that is extrememly intense and invasive he usually has solid info that he researches.  He has his moments of craziness when he gets carried away with it however and the last time i talked with him he was feeling really paranoid about all the witnesses to multiple shooters in Vegas being killed or missing or mysteriously dying.  He feared for his life and told me he was hiding knives under his bed.  I reminded him that he was small potatoes, no threat to anyones narrative . . .how ever close he might be to the real story, its only the perspective of someone who was NOT on the scene.

He did talk me into attending the Unitarian church Sunday. I might go.    I need some spiritual focus among others right now . . i feel such encoaching darkness and do not feel the resources or strenghth in me to combat it in myself.  Hence, the obsesssive, regressive, food stuffing, wine sipping behaviors . . .

I am going through a lot in regards to Darrell’s plans to return to Bellingham.  He does not have any place to return to and that means he will stay with me.  This really puts me in a dilemma.  I do not want this at all.  I went through such a nightmare before, and i just can’t do it again . . . I am suspicicious of what he’s really up to, what he is cooking up in South Dakota . . . and he always weaves some kind of op against me when he is there .   I suspect they have decided to really double down on “IT”.

More and more evidence continues to come out pointing to multiple shooters in Vegas.  I watched this morning a video clearly showing gunfire coming from a helicopter above.  Unmistakenly.  Lots of talk about Illuminatti blood sacrifice.  Even Robert Downey Jr. talking about it.  Don’t fully understand this . . although I have watched some stuff about Stanley Kubrick  and all the clues he revealed in ‘Eyes wide shut’.   The energy from these blood sacrifices is supposed to be transmitting from the beam coming out of the black pyramid??

Oh . . . I DO believe that there is some intensely evil energy from some pretty montsrous people among the elite.  I’ve experienced it . . it’s is chilling.  Perhaps Trump is attempting to expose some of this and this is a warning or retaliation . . it’s my belief that if so, Trump cannot win.  They will kill him in  some way.

 

Friday 10-20-2017

Got a lot accomplished. Several interviews and temp work starting tommarrow.

doing fish over the week end. Not the gross stuff. Assembly line packaging and stuff . . that’s about 24 hours.  Then some drug tests on Monday and baking cheeses cakes and crap starting on Tuesday. Plus the demo people hired me too . . so now I choose.  Im waiting for the really good HCA job to come through . . but I fear I really blew it  this summer running back to MN all the time and then the car accident. . .yeah, I know I had a lot on my plate and I just caved in after the car wreck thereby losing a really good job, with good people,a job I so much enjoyed . . not because I was incompetent. I was praised as a care giver . . . but because  of the usuall P.T.S.D breakdown that eventually occurs . Also, I fear I kind of scewed or was a little careless with my relationship to the co op.

I have enjoyed, somewhat, this brief period of being alone with no responsibilities this month. Just thinking things over.    Now it’s back to square one . . . Darrell homeless, Karen doing temp work . . after all that valiant effort on my part to keep things afloat.  it was running back home everytime daddy wanted help that broke all that down. bit by bit.

October 22

Lucid dreamer has some really interesting videos on U tube.  I think Im going to give the Las
Vegas thing a rest for a while . . . let new data, new theories accumulate for a bit and then check it out again. Jack is convinced it is connected to Russian Mafia , who have pretty much taken over the Isreale underworld.  I guess an arms depot there turned up missing weaponry.

Why do we use the world UNDERworld?When really it is ABOVEworld?  It is under consciousness perhaps. But not UNDER world.

Been talking to Darrell’s kin . . . they’re a little ticked off that I have not been sending Darrell money in his difficult time, but otherwise friendlier , much friendlier than in times past. But who knows what is really afoot.  Then, on the other hand, Darrell has been advertising for the longest time about he is ‘dumping’ that woman . . .how he just got rid of the ‘last girlfriend’ . . . . and I spent a lot of cash on that road trip to MN getting him home.  He screwed himself out of his housing and is probably unrentable now . . and he just INFORMS me that he is moving back in after all that . . doesn’t ask . . tell’s this “Woman’ who was deemed so unworthy . . that he had to make a theater of ‘dumping’ after years of constantly telling me how he doesn’t care about me, how Im this, How Im that, the embodiment of negativity, while I was busting my butt out in Lynden to keep us afloat . . all he did was smoke weed all day.  And Im not supposed to be upset when he expects me to pick up the consquences of his actions . . .at my own detriment no matter how I deal with it . . . and Im being thrust right back into the same situation as I was back in 2004-2006 and then again in 2008  when he was on the streets and staying with me . . all of which I got blamed for . Everytime he was drinking around some crazy guys on the street or on the rez  he would get that dark energy whipped up . . evil energy among some very sick, or very disenfranchised ( or feeling disenfranchised) people.  Now I am supposed to be the one who had no empathy for the poor . Really?  Really??  There is nothing people won’t believe.  Nothing. There’s a group of people here in this region who have been on the streets and they seem to think the worth of others is measured in what you do or care about them.  The more I cared, the more I got shit on. it burns people out.  Every intelligent person knows that this bunch of people always drags people like me down. There’s malic in it and they don’t stop till they finish it.  This  they already did in the rhelm of P.R . . . big time.  But I still have my own place and the one thing that cannot be allowed is for me it to be MINE, for me  to have boundaries, privacy from the influences of anger, abuse, for me to be free of the ‘story’. and I am in the process of restructuring psychologically . . . talking ideas with friends, and even going to a church.  And how WE feel about it . . . does not matter one fucking bit . . . .once Darrell moves back to town, that will change . . . the disfunction begins again.

10/25

Feeling P.Od isn’t going to make it better. Might as well put best foot forward . . try to get ready and be on my toes, get in shape psycologically, knock off the beer.  Already got some ‘Darrell food’ in the freezer.  I find myself remembering the good times too . . . fun and teasing over meals.  When he used to stay with me years ago we actually had a better , more flexible relationship than people realized.  he wasn’t always in the combative mood he developed when he moved into his own place.  We played cribbage.  He did his  artwork

Darrell’s art

He was always playfull once he got over his hangovers, giving me big hugs in the kitchen . . and we ate well.  he contributed his food stamps and he always gave me backrubs.  It was much cheaper too.  He did not pay rent, but then, he didn’t cost much in maintenence then. I would usually do up a bunch of cards and prints and when he took off he always had a lunch sack and a bunch of cards and prints to sell around town.  He had his favorite spot at a bench in maritime park and people knew where to find him.  He was a popular artist and bought his own beer or weed on what he made.  1 six pack of beer was much cheaper than 20 dollars of pot a day and he was often quite jolly in his social world of maritime park.  I never tried to leash him . . just let him do his thing till he was ready to come home. That gave me a break too.  But it ment he lived in two seperate worlds . . . one on the streets , a popular figure among all the rebels, and a hidden life when he came to my place.  So alot of people  never got a true picture of what our relationship was, who I was or how we were in better tandem than they knew.  The trouble was when people at Lincoln square, out of jealousy, or desire to spite started reporting on me having a guest living with me, or actually pulling the rug.  The christmas of 2004 was particularly traumatic . . . He was tresspassed just before christmas.  Annie Leonard did that.  His pain and confusion turned to anger and blame . . . .a lot of people got drawn into the angry street drama that unfolded.  it lingered on for a long, long time . . . I did what i could then.  I secret defied the authorities and brought him up the stairs at night. I continued to look after him, make his cards and prints and put him in motel rooms.

The first year he was here in Bellingham neither one of us drank at all.  its almost as if people did not like that at all.  Did not want us to suceed, to get along, be harmonious.  I remember i got a little car and we drove to the mountains and places all the time.  He was doing large wood burnings then.  I even got him a room at Kate and Riley’s house.  It didnt take him long to start seeing other women, they threw themselves at him, often right in front of me and i remember having to wait for them to leave when i came to visit him at Kate’s house.( Later I would be ‘confronted’ with righteous distain for the ‘truth’ or what kind of person I ‘really’ was. I couldn’t even go into a store and buy anything without women calling me names under their breath, which made me the introverted hermit i am today.)

Once he got tresspassed however, he began to accuse me of having lovers. That being the reason for my kicking him out.  i didn’t kick him out.  Annie Leonard did that.  Up and down the streets . . .there never were any boyfriends. But the charecterization took root and that was how i was treated.     The progressives reinforced the smear in a big way ( Dig up everything she has ever done)and eventually . . the strenghth of our team work was replaced by a more hatefull story that continues to this day. By the time they were finished I was supposed to be admirer of hitler or something. That’s where all my disgust with contemporary media and politics came from.

I t is dangerous to look back with sentimentality on better days . . what i called ‘the nest’ and how we had secret sanctuary there, and actually got along far far better than anyone knew.  The anger i felt when i discovered the stories being spread about me never really went away . . it poisened me.  The hurt i felt at all the infidelities.  The incredible hurt i felt to see the extent with which I was blamed and retaliated against.  I could write down such hurtfull things i experienced at the hands of people here . . It was much much worse than anything in my journals . . . but it would only alienate people.

I have tried to close the door on all those feelings.  Sometimes i make myself breakfast and start to share a joke onlyto realize that Darrell is not there at the table and the loss is keen.  But sentimentality is dangerous.  I did send him 100 bucks the other day.  Now, I need to pull things together here . . .get the fridge cleaned out, fresh sheets, get some snacks, cough medicine, tobaccco, and so on.

Made cheese cakes last night.  Busy bakery production. My hips were really hurting and i wasn’t as fast as i need to be but my swirls were lovely.  That what my job is; make the swirl patterns on cheesecakes.  I also burned the creme de Brules with a blow torch and cut out tons of re velvet cakes.

Tonight will go better, if they call me back.

(Later)  Moving up fast.  Interviewed at Brookdale today and was invited to join the team.  I will finish up two weeks making various swirls in cheesecakes and crème de brule with blow torches. Then on to a real profession. I can get benefits , paid vacation, all that good stuff.  A nice place. Lynden was good training . . .but it was often depressing and always difficult.  This job will not have the personal touch that the co op offered . . .but so it is.

Mom had her assessment but I have not heard from Dad yet.

10-26

Getting cold out.  Feel good this morning for the first time since i returned.  I worked hard and didn’t get home untill 1:30 a.m. and I slept soundly the rest of the night.

Watching some stuff on the California fires . . . very suspicious. Looks like targeted energy weapons.

Is a war being waged now?

10-29

Did the Saturday market.  Spent a lot of time talking with people, delving into the trouble with conspiracy theories and fake news and how such as I am not seeing the wonder and love principle and all that.  mark spent a lot of time trying to convince me not to waste my time on conspiracy theory as he put it, since it can’t be proven ( 9-11?)  and it doesn’t do anyone any good . . just creates a force field of negativity.  Well, I disagree . . but i know where he’s coming from.  I DON’t think everyone who has a channel on u tube is a con artist or an egomaniac . . but there surely are some.  And if there are indeed some nefarious deeds or agendas going on . . isn’t it wiser to explore this  and do some research  than to say . . /.oh, that’s so negative . . it only creates agitation rather than peace, love and calm.  i get his point . . you have to wonder if Alex Jones spends a lot of time in wonder at creation, the experience of just  being. If he feels wonder and celebration at the dance of the sacred feminine and sacred masculine. i don’t think so.

Sometimes things happen that open ones conciousness . . . the other day just as i arrived at work, I looked up and right above me were two of the most beautiful mature bald eagles I have ever seen.  just flying around above me in tandem . . .not just random.  As if it were a dance, a celebration of love or joy.  I thought back to my reminiscences  on how Darrell and i were in tandem once . . . and i felt as if some how the life force, outside of my own narrow band of perceptions, were sending me a message , that it was all connected if only i had the eyes to understand it . . . .but, to the logical mind, that would illogical thinking . . . but Darrell would have understood it.  so yes, I know what Mark was trying to get at.  That there is another kind of thinking and knowing . by Darrell, 2002.

10/29

Just got back from the Unitarian fellowship. My first time there.  They were celebrating death.  A child clothed from head to toe in black  grim reaper with sythe greeted me at the door.  I was motioned in and took a seat towards the back. Not what i was expecting.  Jack had told me that some professorial looking elderly woman would most likely meet me at the door and welcome me and that i ought to stay for social after. Instead, i was greeted by a grim reaper.

I noted that many people were in Halloween costumes. There was for example a pregnant man all in green with bunny ears and whiskers, a clown, an elderly man with a dreadlock cap, a few tiny princesses running up and down the isles, several witches with pointy black hats, A couple that looked like high priest and priestess of some Satanic cult all in black and purple capes with medalions,  the Bride of Frankenstien .  The Bride of Frankenstien, all in white, played a mean piano once the service got started.  ( To be continued).

10/31

Halloween night.  Just got home. We finished up production early.  I am very tired.  Too tired to  continue my description of the Unitarian fellowship celebration of death.  Guess Ill turn in and watch a bit of disclosure with David Wilcock.  i find this program easier to absorb than the interviews with Cory.  Too tired to go into it however.  probably wont get around to the Unitarian fellowship . . Darrelll will be back on the 3rd and that puts an end to watching Gia in the wee hours and leisure time for journaling.

Nov 2

Worked until almost 1: 30 last night.  My body is bone tired.  Friday, or maybe Saturday will be the last day at the cheesecake factory. Did my orientation at Brookdale yesterday and all set to start on Monday.  I am getting to know the ladies at the Cheesecake factory and wish I could stay on beacasue I like the team .  They are not dingbats, down to earth  working women with a tough, good attitude.  I am starved for communication with women I can share my daily life with. Of course, I will meet new people at Brookdale but  this is a whole different sort of population. I remember well the environment of Rosewood Villa and other places here in town.

I guess Darrell will take off on Friday.  My gut instincts tell me he is planning some kind of ‘op’ that is well planned out.  Enough said.  it’s been a long time now since he ran (with the backing of progressives)  the last op.  A whole new audience exists now , and their memories are short. . so it might be a refresher course. The last dose was so very effective.  Most women would rather commit suicide  than admit that they could have been wrong.  Willingly manipulated.    It’s pretty simple . . . you debase some woman publicly, identify her as a threat to the good of the community, the family, the society etc . . .  . . . identify the audience as good and clean and the ‘enimy’ as dirty, dark, a threat to community, less moral . . . I never lost my astonishment at how overwhelmingly it worked and achieved the desired results before . . . it guess it’s time tested . .  it will probably work again . The nephew of Sigmund Frued , the father of modern advertising figured this out . . . everything from household cleaners to baby wipes taps this psychology . . protecting your clean world, your clean family agaist germs or whatever . . . . yup .  it happens at such an instinctive level . people don’t like to have this pointed out to them.  They tend to be hostile and deny that there was any mass psychology that can be taped, that they are so easily programmed, can be turned into a witch hunt at the drop of a pin but it is so.    Psyocholgy can be used for good or evil . . .MK ULtra for example.  . . the study of human psychology for mind control at the service of the ruling elite.

I tend to distrust most things about modern psychology, especially pysciatry.  But this is off the point.  Did not come down here to go off on this tangent.  Only that my gut instincts tell me that I am facing something soon that is not going to be good.  Ive been over it and over it before . . and when I  refer to it now in my journals the usual reaction is ‘She brought that on herself’, especially from the liberal media . . rather than admit to a deliberate plot, or program, which to any thoughtfull observer paying attention to it, it obviously was.

So . . . what was the big secret to begin with?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





September 2017

1 09 2017

Morning got off to a bad start.

 

There is a fellow tenent who is an early riser like myself and often, as we sit down at the computer room in the early morning we discuss some topic and he gets all wound up, he gets up  gets right in front of me and typically his intensity and endless elaboration on some point and ‘in yo face’ style drive me away.  Then he follows me, never getting the hint, all the way to the elevator.  Lately, his topic has been the shower crises here for the homeless and the advocacy he is trying to do.  I guess there are no places that a person with no I.D can get a shower here in Bellingham. The I.D scan identifies preditors and people with a record, often people on the streets.  The Y.M.C.A offers showers . . but the I.D scan is for the protection of other’s in the locker rooms, especially kids.

Odd that the mission does not offer showers, or the drop in center.  Surely they must . . if you stay there.  But if you don’t then your screwed. J talked about all the indifference he was encountering towards the homeless here. The generalized attitude that they were lazy, didn’t want to work, chose a alchohol and drugging lifestyle . . that their situation was of their own making. Because Whatcom county was esentially right wing.  The Progressives don’t see it that way, they believe they represent the majority but I think J is right about the area as a whole.  J illustrated how circumstances can force , like personal tragety, job loss, mentle breakdown, domestic violence,  and so on can bring even professional people down to the streets.  he talked about the heartlessness of people. Now I have been saturated in my life with the homeless lifestyle either by circumstances when i was made homeless,or by the circumstances and lifestyle of significant others who imposed it on me and hence, involved me in their world.  I have written extensively about  honmelessness in Whatcom county in my journals, sometimes very sympathetically sometimes not so . . but always with a voice that knew the inside dirt. My writting about this was personal  never theoretical. I know how humane the mission in eugene was, and what a life saver it was in my life incomparison to the mission here.  I know first hand from the days when Darrell was on the streets what the lifestyle out there was.  Not all these people are victims . . some are unfortunets, but many aren’t.   Much of my life out here in Bellingham has been dominated by people in this subculture .

My happiness is something I try to protect these days and because of all the problems that were imposed on me and the attitudes that arose out of this homelessness world and how it invloved and affected MY life . . .I get kind of edgy when some really tries to impose it all on me again. Especially when I have other burning issues i want to use my computer time to research.    I could write a lot . . .but it would be angry writting and that would only create more anger.  Only , that when J started calling me a simpleton, after listening to him for nearly a half an hour I shut him down and he got hostile.  I said i didn’t want to discuss the topic further and asked him to leave me alone and not talk to me. I then left, with him shouting; “Good.  and don’t come back.” Like he owned the lunchroom or something.

“Oh.  I’ll be back.”  I don’t let people tell me where to go . . . Fuck that.  i can be very happy when I am left alone.

August 2

The fury and upset i was feeling yesterday morning has vanished. I let myself get drawn , however briefly, into a world of people full of animosities. And there’s a surprising lot of them in this town. It is calm and quiet down here this morning. I enjoyed the energy at the Hoyts last night.

What can I learn from yesterdays confrontation.  This was my solution.  If I have a problem with waking up early in the morning, unable to sleep it MAY be because I am not getting proper sleep.  The bedroom t.v. never gets turned off before i fall out.  That affects brain waves. And if some one for whatever reason wanted to use this technology to subconciously program . . it could, theoretically, be done. So step one; turn off that t.v. before going to bed.  Also, strong coffee that early in the morning gets me wound up. If there is some distressing or worrying on my soul that is the time when Im most likely to feel negatively, to be feeling anger. . . computer games are soothing, but if some one pushs my buttons by being too aggressive, forcing themselves in my private space that anger will take over my thinking. So . . if i can’t sleep why not use that time to do yoga instead?? To pray??  It is a quiet ,undisturbed time at my place . .  a perfect way to begin the day , then later in the day i can come down and do my emails, my computer games and so on.

Darrell has the use of my smart phone  for his entertainment needs so I no longer have computer access in my apartment.  Just the fact that I am in the lunchroom using the public computers at all is going to create some friction sooner of later among this unstable populace, so prone to attack all the time.  It just means they are trying to drag you into their own world of petty conflicts and fighting and ‘enimity’ just as you are moving beyond it. it’s a way of making you think about THEM.  It gives them power, however briefly.  So from now on, if there is a problem, I will simply go upstairs and do some yoga.

I took all the black tinting off of my head and tail lights yesterday with a little break cleaner  and I feel cleansed. As if I, rather than my car, was showing my light clearly rather than through a dark lense.  However, the sun bothers me so much when I am driving against it that I invested in some expensive shades.  My car may be showing its true light, but I am wearing shades now . . cranking up that music too . . .Bluegrass Celtic fusion  the past few days.

The transformation of this rather goth car, with sorry tires, black lights, nirvana on the cd, shells under the seats, expensive black and red racing seat covers and a big sub woofer is now a pretty standard looking Honda again, with grey upholstry, wheel covers, normal headlights . . all road safe.  And a dumpy 60 year old driver in shades  with her arm out the open window cranking up the Ceili. Now . . . to get a little sage hanging in the dash and some blankets on those seats and a few bumper stickers.

Sept 3 2017

Saged the car.  Tried hanging a crystal from the mirror but it swung around so much, casting swirling dots of color throughout the car . it was distracting so i replaced it with a decorative strand of beading. I had a dream catcher from my Wisconsin days that was small enough to hang there but it was faded . . and well, Wisconsin in my mind and not chock full of positive memory and association.

I was feeling off yesterday . . not focused, and unnatractive and dopey looking.  So, as usual when I am feeling bad about being too heavy, too old, too unattractive and I buy something nice to wear. A Bathing suit and a new blouse. Then i went swimming.  Later, i took Joan out to the Lake and enjoyed watching the little children have so much fun.  We waded out in our bare feet and gathered some stones with unusual patterns or bright colors.  It was good to see Joan in a happy mood, enjoying getting out  and sharing this with me . . she’s been shutting me out a lot lately.

Darrell has two weeks to move out of his place.  They have found him another . . on Texas street, which is kind of like the slum of Bellingham but he hasn’t signed the lease.  he talks about going to New Mexico, or St. cloud to stay with his cousin there. he also has informed me that he will be staying with me again here.

I am weighing right now what I am going to do. Again . . it revolves around St. Cloud.  My rent has gone up by almost 300 dollars . . yet I am only working part time.  Sprint decided to collect on a past due account by simply taking it out of my account on the first, leaving me with no money to cover rent. i was terribly overdrawn at the end of last month so I wasn’t all that much in the black again on the first. I have to weigh too decisions about going to St. Cloud to help out my parents who desperately need it, but have a serial pattern of kicking me out after they finally entice me to come visit them.  they blocked my attempts to re establish myself in St. Cloud in June and that was so small thing. it is to my credit that I nearly suceeded.  If I had had a little bit more time.  It was so incredibly nuerotic and stupid . . and heartbreaking because I knew that crises was right around the corner and that they would need some one wether they faced it or not.  Now, it is unavoidable. Dad cannot be the sole caregiver for Mom any more.  I am trying to get my sisters to step up to the plate but communication is slow and I am running out of time.  My Dad wants me to return home for the surgery to stay with Mom.  Mom will surely turn hostile if i do and then where do i stay?? I fear I will be homeless in MN once again .

Once again that would leave me with one option, take up residence with Darrell and his cousin which puts me entirely under their controll and whim.  My own family would probably disown me entirely because they would see this as creating a ‘problem’ for them,not entirely wrong given the history.    Enough is a enough and of course, I would be blamed by the establishment as having plotted it in some way against THEM. That’s the historical script any way.

Now there is quite a movement in this country right now, and antifa is the far end of it, that seeks to challenge “White privelege’. Not long ago I watched the preparations being made for a gathering of the Whatcom coffee party, the wine glasses being brought out, the nice place mats.  In fact, i did the swiffering and stuff to get it ready.  On the kitchen table were the informative books being discussed.  One of them, i noted had to do with confronting white privelege . . and at the time, my thoughts were, but honey YOU ARE white privelege. There were other books too about the New Jim Crow, and one titled something like whats wrong with being white . . or something like that.

It’s an odd situation I find myself in these days, with all this going on. I don’t quite understand how my father is such a symbol of  ‘the enimy’ the old order or something. he is hardly white privelege. He had no college. He’s a working class Catholic who did good by hard work and self discipline . . sure, he has some attitudes . . but he doesn’t bother anyone, impede anyone or do anything to hurt anyone outside of the maddeningly nuerotic tricks he plays on his own daughters.  My sister and brother in law in St. Cloud come a little closer to the idea of benefitting from white privelege . . .and to some degree, Kate but although she has the New Yorker’s clever satire towards boors . . she is esentially  interested in the experiences ofother cultures, and background.

it against this volitile potential that i have to chose wether to stay or return to St. Cloud at my father’s request.  I may very well, if i go, lose any degree of independance in regards to Darrell . . . and if, among some of his tribe there is a desire to ‘confront’ or wage war on white people that’s going to be a big problem.  So, in the middle of the terrible crises at home  I find myself impotent, trapped, conflicted .and full of sorrow and ultimately full of despair.  i fear my folks are in for so much sorrow and awfullness and I fear too that my sisters will not act desisevly enough on my parents behalf, may not sacrifice enough of their own lifestyle to do what’s needed.  And i know that so much rests on my shoulders, and that all I can expect from those that analyse it is bullshit, apon layer of bullshit, designed to protect their own psoition of power and influence in this dog and pony show that passes as culture war . . all orchestrated.  it makes me sick sometimes.

it seems obvious to me that the  Charlottesville charade, with all of those buses arriving at the same time and even black people pointing out that when ever have you seen the K.K.K. wear  tee shirts with K.K.K> on the front . . was desinged to take the focus off of generalized white ‘privelege ‘and refocus it on the ‘Nazis’, as if it were this huge menacing force that had arisen in America.  I am hearing nothing about the verified  recruiting of payed actors . . although there are plenty of credible videos from Europe exposing how this is done . But im not really all that concerned about this right now . . .Im far too worried about everything else that is crashing down about me.  I really, really hope that Kate will come through . . it’s actually on her shoulders rather than mine because she understand my situation, my parent’s situation and all the factors more clearly than anyone else.  i think she will . . She dreads the thought of extended time in St. Cloud more than me.  It isn’t interesting enough for her . . but she has a good nose for finding people and places of interest, and she has connections in the twin cities which i don’t.

9-11

Aniversary day.

I crashed big time.  Psychologically and physically.  Even before I got hit I was sensing a final judgement of communal blame on me.  I was collectively judged to be the one who was to blame . . . I suspect the Darrell and Karen story was being discussed and the huge public reaction that ensued over the years . . .at any rate I felt once again, anger, a desire for retribution  or something . . aggression at any rate.  I was feeling pretty good about somethings . . . . despite my worried journal entries . . .I gotten a grip on binge  drinking . . .very rarely did I have any episodes where I had too much, I felt I was managing my job very well . . but I was being loaded down with extra assingments which kept me from visiting Darrell very much when he was in his own crises, losing his apartment . . not knowing what or where to go.  And I was tired, more stressed than I let on.  And I got hit driving up[ in blaine which scared the bloody shit out of me. No I had not been drinking and no I was not even remotely hungover.  Just tired.  It seemed like the physical manifestation of this ‘You are judged at fault’ energy . . the aggression.  Yes . . I was jusdged to be at fault in this accident and now I am really up shit creek.  I consider myself to be really lucky . . . I could have been killed.  The car is still running O.K> . . dented a bit . . . but my confidence has been shaken badly.  I fell apart that evening.

I don’t know why I didn’t just go buy some weed to calm down but I just drank some wine and wouldn’t get out of my beloved car. Didn’t drive it of course.  The next day was a complete retreat with the wine bottle.  I didnt see anyone or even get out of bed.  I felt like despite all my striving and hard work, I was a failure. And of course, by not going to work that day  . . . I was.  My employer came over and really scolded me, Im standing there in a long tee shirt, a pair of depends just in case and disheaveled hair.

Feel like I just cant win.  But why am I too blame  for Everything that transpired out here regarding Darrell and his family?  Right from the start people expressed negative intent towards me . . we are all coming together to bring you down and so on.  You have to pay.  Always . . . you still have to pay.  Even in 98 I was being told that . . you have to pay.  As I look back in hindsight I see it as the manifestation of a kind of national psychosis . . . Im not going into it too much now . . . but I remember that Nancy Grace was hugely popular and the whole country seemed to be in mood of seeking punjishment, justice, blood retribution . . and people were being judged on 15 minutes of evidence ( as personified by Nancy Grace) by the so called court of public opinion.  Scott Peterson, Monica Lewinsky . . . it was a frenzy.  I found myself confused with Monica Lewinsky in the public appetite for ‘shaming, one public figure blended into another . I was on display during the events of 98  and then in Madison in a big way and that was a big part of the problem. A lot of projection ensued  arsing from the shadow , unacknowledged aspects of the collective culture.  it was frightening and awfull.  .Ive said before that there never were any infidelities in my 20 year association with Darrell, ive not done anything with anyone I need be ashamed of out here and that most of stuff he spread about me was either deliberately untrue or some sort of psychological thing on his part, that he truly believed.  To this day he accuses me of having all these guys at my apartment . . and I never have had any visitors except an occasional lady friend.    No one even asked me . . they just TOLD me what WE ALL think of you.  A lot of it had to do with personality . . Darrell wooed the public.  People liked him.  I did not.  A lot of women here in town screwed around with Darrell however . . yet, he and they, were never judged.

it gets very complicated and I could spell it all out once again . . . it gets really, really ugly, but It hurts to write about it, to remember seeing that kind of sentiment in people, and over the last severaly years the cycle that plays itself out a few times a year.

So now I really am to blame. I am at fault.  Faulty lane change. The physical manifestation of that energy.    And this time I really DO have to pay through the nose. They finally got me back where they wanted . . ,. crawling away with a bottle, feeling like a failure, judged at fault.  Unreliable.    Just  this or that . . .

 

September 19

Have not picked myself up at all since i last journaled.  I am trying to forgive myself for this . . recognizing it as classic PTSD . . wanting to be the person i was just prior to the accident . . . but acting out exactly the opposite.  I DID go over to Darrell’s place and helped him clean out his place.  heavy work, up and down the stairs with over half a dumpster full of trash.  he was, untill last night staying at my place.  And of course, i was unhappy and started in on the drinking. So he spent last night at his  own place. Now, we need to hit the road and I am not in any shape for that.

Becky and Paul agreed to look after my car.  But I am feeling reluctant to fork it over  as agreed.  Mostly I am grieving my own apartment and the times I enjoyed my own space.  For many years . . .it was essentially taken over.  Darrell used it as a crash pad when he was drinking and drugging out on the streets. he usually came back pretty loaded.  Eventually, it wore me out, and resentment built up.  There really were not very many ‘good times’ . . . for me any way.  That changed when i finally had it to myself.  I used my time creatively on one project or another.  I still looked after Darrell at his apartment when he moved there. But I had boundaries now and that made all the difference.   I stillcooked up meals for him. brought him stuff. However,  I continued to be belittled by people who saw me as being used and psychologically manipulated.   I continued to be a target  of rage on and off. In fact, it got worse. But  Working for the Co op this year really changed the quality of my life.  I had fun working with clients . . I developed relationships  I looked forward to . . . I enjoyed my work and I enjoyed my free time.  It is difficult to build a network of positivity / ./ and it can be broken swiftly.  Now that has come to an end. I wont find a job like that again.  I think my outlook on local politics and my skepticism about events  in America may have changed their good will toward me.  Co ops are usually at the progressive edge. it was foolish of me not to keep my perceptions to myself as Rick advised.

I am filled now,  with feelings of powerlessness and dread and an anticipation of extreme unhappiness.  Darrell however, is quite happy for a change.  I was talking to him about wether the accident in Blaine could have been a hit . . i wasn’t entirely serious . . . .but maybe it was, just another in a series of near misses, or failed or incomplete hits. Is it possible??  I don’t think so . . the other driver seemed genuinely concerned for me and gave me a hug to calm me down . . . not the behavior of someone trying to carry out a hit.  But who knows.  I must have been doing something right . . spiritually to survive that, when the chanches of being killed were great.

Well, I am helping Darrell out a lot by paying for the gas back to the Midwest. I DO have some measure of controll when i get to to St. Cloud too.  I am keeping my apartment here in Bellingham for now.  I am registered  at all the temp agencies in St. Cloud and have a resume ready to go, tailor made for St. Cloud.  If things are a problem I can double back and go back to enjoying my life in my own little world. Or I can come back, pick u8p my car and head into a totally new chapter somewhere.

people used to say about me when i was growing up that karen lives in her own little world.  It seems to work for me . . . . people are amazed at the city building I do on line . . pouring all my imagination and creativity into imagianary worlds.  If only I had had more wisdom when it came to applying that to the real world.

 

Sept 23

First day back home in St. Cloud.  Dad looks like he is completed played out, and Mom, although in a good mood is really in need of Alzheimers care now. Dad’s eyesight is much worse and I had to do the driving and grocery shopping this morning.   Made spaghetti for dinner . . just waiting for din din time to roll around.

The trip here with Darrell was something else.  He was on me the whole way.  It was tough. Not for the feeble hearted. We stopped at the Bighorn battle site.  There was much gravity in that experience, one could feel the depth of spirit and significance.

We g0t lost on the way back and then, we had our own battle at Greasy grass.

Much to tell of on this journey . . but din din calls.

(later)

I will say this much.  Driving across country like that gave me my confidence back. Feeling strong and capable again . As for my Bellingham car accident . . . The other driver DID state that when i did my lane change from the passing lane  and he thought he would clip me he sped up to try to pass me . . . .don’t most people slow down?? so perhaps i was not   ‘at fault’ so much. Only quick to assume blame.  And as for driving in the passing lane . . . tons and tons of people do that, and stay in that lane for extended periods so why are they getting on me for that. . and i WAS trying to move into the right hand lane so I could get into an upcoming exit.  Why then did everyone heap so much blame and negativity on me when i was so shook up and traumatized after spinning around 3 times before hitting the guard rail. I think i was correct in believing i was dealing with collective judgement that was waiting for an incident, any incident to dog pile me.  Darrell was saying how dumb i was, and what ever Darrell says becomes, like a conflagration, a collective attitude just like that.  At any rate, It is not the end of the world.  I set up a payment plan that is quite affordable. My trip across county with Darrell, driving through mountains in the Dark and rain with a volitile Darrell breathing down my shoulder convinced me of my own capacity and willingness to handle what is needed once i gird up my loins.   As we parted, Darrell gave me a nod that means, good job. He, his daughter and myself parted amiacbly.

As for St. Cloud and family affairs . . .it is much the same as it was , with the same unresolved concerns .  Dad IS looking into assisted living now . . . I will give him credit for that.  My sisters are stepping up to the plate more . . putting on the presssure for assisted living.  I do not know what future there is for me . . either here or there . . but i feel it will be a future without bonds, however disfunctional or downright toxic . . . I think i am respected by some more in the Bellingham area than I would ever be here.  yes, I am accepted and treated with respect as a part of Bellingham by more and more people despite some of the negative stuff I wrestle with.  I would have a hard time here in St. Cloud i think.  I would be dealing with a lot of suppressed smiles  on how we ‘exposed’ or ‘got’  her . . . rather, IT.

As far as I know Darrell has returned to Standing Rock.  My wotrries about what might transpire if he moved here have not bourne fruit.   He has not chosen that route.  It would be interesting . . that is for sure.  it could even be fun, if he were loving towards me.  But these days he is not . . .and it would only put toxic energies on display once again.

Sept 26

Still have not fallen asleep. Dad’s surgery is in the early morning.  My mother’s bullshit damn near killed my Dad this summer. He worked himself to death with little joy in his life . I should have stayed in June as i planned to . . but where? My life was thrown into emotional upheaval as well.  I am played out as much as my dad.  Well, I am here now . . . I feel so bad for him and all the things he did from morning to night with so little thanks.  Losing one’s sight is such a shattering thing . . and now this surgery.

Got in a swim in the afternoon and that has restored me a little.  Darrell got his house i guess.

Was watching videos about chem trails, Fema camps, geoengineering, Georgia stones, planned depopulation and had the strangest dreams.

I went to a co op meeting and it turned into a revolutionary event.  Everyone was scrambling to get into cars and go somewhere. Paul and Becky were there and got in my car along with Darrell. then everything got sort of diffused and confused . . .

October 1st.

Dad did not have surgery done.  They determined his spine was not capable of withstanding the surgery. Emotionally exhausted. within one day of the surgery that almost happened my mother was already turning on me in hostility . . . this is our house. You don’t live here. Why don’t you get out.

Why i asked do you invite me then? . . .I DIDn’t invite you.  I NEVER invited you. Actually . . . same as 4 months ago they begged and begged and promised . . .last time it was the promise of a car, this time the need of a surgery . . . .only to have their tiny moment of power and pain over me . . only to get me where they could deliver pschological pain and confusion.  A pschologist once told me this was evil.  That was 30 years ago.  Certianly, when i saw the little smile on my Dad’s face at my pain, i would say it confirmed what I have had to say about the underlying emotions and motives.  it’s called Hate.  It certianly is not love.  And that is the worst feeling, to be walking around with stuffed confusion and rage and having to coldly button it up . . just when things are feeling warm and inclusive.  I have to face that when it comes to me . . .they choose hate. Everything else that followed in my life . . . stemmed from this, which was present althoughout my childhood.  Feeling I wanted to run but no where to go . . .basis of my dissacociation problems.

At any rate; I will probably head back to Washington rather than try to work things out in St. Cloud.  I could still stay with Darrell’s cousin.  He wants to come to St. Cloud after Monday . . but i can’t connect with her about the address.

Seems like we will miss each other by days . . . he will be pulling in as I pull out, Dad will be needing help . . . and i will be gone.  And this time, not to come back to this State .  I will be free from all of them “needing’ my help only to reject me, use me, abuse me, Darrell is just like my Dad. .  i look so worn, like all the life force , all the soul has gone out of me.

 

Funny how people fatal illnesses reflect fatal flaws in their charecter . . .for my Dad,a rigid spine, no peripheral vision . . that is to say reflecting rigidity and narrowness of vision.  he cannot see.  he cannot bend.  My mother . . . Dementia seems like the appropriate metiphor for a lifetime of no intellect .No curiosity, No interests.  And me?  My stomach.  My weight. My drinking. Eatting too much.   Lack of impulse controll perhaps.  immediate gratification.  Emotionalism.

Darrell?  all banged up . . . anger. No anger controll.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





August 2017

2 08 2017

August 1 2017

Did some yoga tonight. something I have not done in a long while. I took my time.  Concentrated on breathing and being present and moving in rythym to when my body told me it had worked through whatever blockage was causing pain.  There were many of them.  A major one in my hip where I repeatedly fell.  My muscles were very tight and protective but i could feel them rejoice as i released bound up areas . Especially in my lower back.  it took a long, long time.  My body was so out of balance.  No wonder i was falling on my right leg so much.  I have a badly arthritic big toe on my right foot that i have forgotten to stretch for months.  i did some squats . . i forgot what they are called . . .putting my weight on my toes and rocking forward then up and down and boy did that make a difference.  i could feel the channels opening  all the way to my head. I feel so much better. Re alligned.

I felt happy when i finished.  happy to be exactly where i was. i felt , not dissacociated, unbalanced.  but alive, enjoying the sultry evening, the music.

August 6

Power is due to be turned off at Darrell’s today. Everyone tries to tell me NOT to rescue him this time.  But Darrell in utter darkness is literally as well as metiphorically without power, and that makes a dangerously unstable Darrrel who will need to shower and eat somewhere . . and that is me. Bottom line . . it is a safety issue for me.   Im also dealing with an extremely biased community which still holds ME accountable for everything in his life . I asked the co op for a draw to pay on Darrell’s  bill and within hours it was deposited in my account.  Weeks ago when i asked for a draw to get tires on my car it was promised but never deposited, despite several requests and reminders. This tells me a lot. It’s still all about who WE like.  Like it or not that dominates my life and choices . .   But of course, it never works.  Things cycle around anyway no matter how much i pour into it . . but at least it puts things off, puts a band aid on a situation that has such destructive potential for my peace and privacy.   But I am feel depressed again this morning at the festivals i will not make this month, the morning coffee houses, just when i was starting to enjoy themEarlier in the summer i was having trouble with disorganization.  Seemed like everything broke, and had to be replaced. I kept falling.  loosing things.  My health and pain level was terrible.  This month i am feeling quite fit.My pain levels are pretty low. But it seems like Ive made some bad choices , in moods of instant  impulsiveness  that exist in contrast to my usual survival stragegies and thinking that is always weighing the pros and cons down the road, tending toward distrust.

The Go phone was one such poor choice. At the time i needed a phone,after my tablet died,  and thought it would be a good gift for Darrell as well  to keep him occupied. It did till the data ran out.  When I changed the plan to unlimited a few days ago the phone no longer would work. it was slow and wouldn’t download.  I put it back on factory settings but it is still was worthless.  A bunch of money . .again,  trying to fix the developing Darrell madness  by giving him something to occupy himself. Making poor choices . .getting a cheap phone instead of a good one.

The car i bought has got some issues. I don’t like the color. it was also a  poor choice . . after a successfull stragety of carefull consideration that prevented me from buying some other cars that were overpriced junk. , , I bought it in a mood of crescendoing instant gartifacation.

it seems you can make many, many rational choices but you only need to slip into the ferocious irrationality of abandoning carefully considered conseqence once . . . and once can screw up your entire life for a long time time, even permanently.  The prisons are full of that one poor choice. You can loose your home over one poor choice. a relationaship.  A family. A reputation.  A job.  A life. As i have discovered, they are not ireversabile as we believed when we were young.

(later) got the go phone up and running right . . . my payment to the account had been processed but not the updated data plan. I am thrilled to have a smart phone at peak performance again. Got the loan from the Co op but it was too late to rescue Darrell’s shut off today.  They would not set up payment plan.  OK so make the best of it.  I guess he will be over a lot more  and in a rotten mood that may develop into something to be wary of.  But i quit all booze so i should be able to handle it O.K.

Just feeling funky today and crabby. Need to do that yoga.  My muscles are all tight from swimming and the chlorine causes a little allergy. I think that’s what’s making me crabby.

8-8

Took out a few hours to do my yoga again tonight. It did not take as long for me to relax those back muscles. My balance doing standing poses, like the warrior is better.  there are changes too in the meditative state.  The first time i did the yoga i smudged first and asked all negativity to leave. It came crescendoing back afterwards and i had some wine later.  . . one last destructive practice before . . . I was puzzled by that.  why did i want to do that?  Enact such destructive craving when i was trying to move in the opposite way.  i wondered if forces of evil hating to be banished, found a way back in a big way because i was not stronger just then. . like a tsunami following a tidal draw away from the shore.  or was it just garbage that was being released?  I had awfull dreams after that.  I dreamt of going to the bathroom and shitting larve or something like that.  This signifies decay i think.  or something ‘eatting’ at me.

When i talked about this to  Darrell he gruffy asked me if i had been talking to what medicine man .Who was teaching me these things.  . but he knew what i was talking about and told me to keep on doing it.  he understood about the negative stuff gushing back.

Tonight was my third session.  I swear I envisioned, when i meditated, an advising presence that told me to cease thses bad practices if i wanted to move into another state of awareness.  To begin with myself. Im in a different place tonight than i was the first time.I do not feel agitated .  i do not feel like messing myself up with too much wine.   I feel like I am in touch with my soul, everything seems sharp and clear.  Im not going to write more about this.  It is a journey not easily conveyed or likely to be understood . Darrell of course will ascertain things without being told.

Finished up some hats and photographed them earlier.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trump’s saber rattling at North Korea scares me. Approaching Niburu does not. If it’s true, there is nothing we can do about it  unlike  playing with nuclear threat . it seems so insane. We have learned nothing.

I am worried about Darrell and dealing with mixed feelings about this power bill thing that’s been going on for so long.  I feel bad for him and wish I had been doing more earlier , like printing up his art the way i used too, and paying on his bills I (actually I was paying on some of his bills) instead of getting a car.  That’s what i mean about poor choices. I made a choice driven by self centeredness instead of altruism.  I should have secured his world for him if i really cared for him . . .perhaps i wasn’t particularly caring that much the way i once did. id been so burned over the past years and it was hard to shake.  that’s why i picked such a dark car.  It was dark energy.

Today when i was out walking with Georgia two eagles were swooping and playing right above us. Once i would have taken it as a signal that i was on the right path, doing something right.  But perhaps it was just two eagles frolicking.

8-9

Got wheel covers in and boy does that car look better.  Snazzy.  Treated myself to a haircut and feel snazzy too. I was feeling horrible this afternoon. ugly and frumpy and everything felt wrong. could not figure out what was wrong and how to make it better. The haircut did the trick.

I had been eating some very sugary cake.  Carrot cake with loads of frosting . . . .my favorite and something i cannot resist. Oh . . that craving aspect.  And it made me feel terrible.  perhaps i am developing some diabetes . . . it was a rotten awfull feeling i could not put my finger on.  I usually don’t eat that much sugar . . except brownies.  i thought about my dream . . perhaps i really have a parisite problem. Not metiphorically but in actuality.    My guts are not feeling right. I have recently a craving for sugars . . perhaps there is a way to test this . . or go down to the health food store and try some worm wood or something they recommend.  Do a purge of some sort.

The tumeric I have been taking daily seems to be reducing pain and inflamation in a noticable way.

They found a new apartment for Darrell.  A two bedroom.  He is excited about this.  I am no longer worried about him being abandoned to darkness . . . and me failing to prevent this . . . perhaps unconciously willing it? Because of all the hurt done to me?

But  he does not care about me.  others that know me find my company interesting, down to earth, open, humerous, intelligent, generous, often funny  . . human.

if they cant see that then . . who is really the garbage.

8/11

Dream

I dreamt that Darrell and i went to Nazca Peru. In my dream Nazca was a town with a world famous museum. Something big was happening there.  A revolution of sorts was about to happen in a nearby town.

8 11

Took Joan out to Elizabth park Thursday night and we both got out and danced.  Imagian Joan, 8o something year old Joan getting out and doin ‘Truckin’ by the dead.  It’s really good for her sake to get out and enjoy festive events while she can.  I am trying to do my job as thoughtfully as i can, most of the time,  trying to make a difference in the quality of someones life.  I once directed that energy toward Darrell and i was repayed with social violence. These days he refers to me as just a piece of shit drunk.  other women tell me he spreads alot of dirty stuff about me . . which explains why there’s been a resurgence of like minded energy from guys around town . . Im being reduced to this, as dismissed as such.  . . In my personal I am still the one thinking about how to make the quality of some one elses life better . . my folks, my clients.  Everyone but myself i guess.  My quality of life over the years has been terrible, and its taken its toll.  Took Georgia out to Lake Padden yesterday.  i guess she rarely gets to do this.  She really enjoyed just sitting on the bench watching the kayakers and swimmers.  Getting cooler now.  Rain tommarrow . . .at last.

8 13

Took the Onyx to Jiffy Lube and had her done, Firestone as well for a wheel alignment.  The allignment was severe.  Glad i got it fixed.

The other night i had that dream about Nazca in Peru.  Then,  The other night i was watching  Gia t.v and found a program  about recent finds in Nazca . supposedly, they discovered mummies of Aliens. They were testing the dna.  These mummies were strange, with long threee fingered toes and hands, enlongated skulls.  Is this program a fake?? The mummies a hoax?  Like the mermaids??  In the third program they showed the mummies of tiny , tiny human like creatures they had also found in the Nazca area.  Earlier that day I had told Darrell about the 3 fingered mummy and what a strange coincidence it was that I had had this dream about Nazca only a night or so before i watched this.  Darrell had told me that people on his rez had witnessed tiny people there.  I got the usual speech about how white people think they know everything but theres a lot of things  that his people know.  Which i agree with.  Then this program about the tiny mummies.  I am excited by all of this.  Why would I have that dream?  Why me? After all . . .Im not a seer, a medicine man, a phrophetess, Im just this or just that .  It feels like a clue.

8/14

Did a little research and apparently the Nazca mummies are fake. Real human mummies from antiquity that have been modified .

They are calling the riots in Charlotte’sville a race conflict. But most everyone there is white . . so it’s an ideological conflict, not really a race one.

8/16

Wow. Events in Charlotte’sville have really touched an emotional hotspot in a lot of people. I hesitate to pour out my thoughts in the matter.  My thoughts are swirling around. There’s much I want to say. I fear being pulled into an entrapment before I fully understand what’s been going on.  Just as I move away from taking on issues of conflict and am practicing finding a place free of anger . . . I am being tested with things that can create anger. And yet, those who do not engage are guilty of aqquiesence by silence as well.

I too have been very hurt by supremecy. I was ghettoized by a family who pisses all over themselves defending liberalism ( in Minneapolis)  but whose notions of worth are defined by race at a deep level. this translated into enormous  hardship, it put me permanently into a class that can never regain any status in the middle class no matter how good a person I may be.   I know and saw  the lives of the marginalized, and i survived it.  people seem to have forgot that.  and, at one time I fought  against classism.  Many people hated me for this.   I WAS  marginalized because of my paling around with Darrell when i first came to Bellingham. . .and the attitudes of supremicists who marginalized me are protected and excused even held up as ‘truth’  by the very media that proclaims these views to be repulsive and inexcusable. The liberal elite does not recognize how much , at a deeper level , not the intellectual one, they too embrace a world view that is formed by supremecy.  anytime someone says . . . so and so  is only garbage . . .anytime they dehumanize some one, excuse  or forment social violence  . . .they are coming from a value system not fundamentally different from the supremicists they decry, only more sophisticated, less raw and ugly.  or is it?

People carrying torches and spewing hate toward others is a very shocking and easily recognized image.  Its the less recognizable stuff that is scarey to me, because its hurt me the most.

8-18-2017

Read about how this company was running ads  on craigs list about 40 miles from charlottesville recuiting actors and photographers . . mercenaries in other words . . .to plump up the ranks of demonstartions.  just prior to the riots.  I forgot what the name of that organization is . . protest on demand or something.  I posted the link but it has mysteriously dissapeared.  They were offering 25 dollars an hour . . .that adds up to quite a little chunk. Now the question is were they requiting actors for the staged nazi event??  My guess is that they were. The advertisement states that this is for peaceful demonstration. Not a good charecterization of antifa.  And since the ad ran in in a town not too far from Charlottesville i would assume that the numbers of people sympathetic to antifa . . or willing to impersonate antifa for pay would be pretty minimal.

Truthfully, i had my suspicions right from the beginning . . .the whole torchlight thing . . .that’s just tooo much out of the pages of Nazi Germany, it’s just too much of an easily recognizable image, . some of the disturbed people who  would do this ( and there aren’t really all that many)  may be nutcases and dopes but people higher up are not as dopey and that just doesn’t sound like a very smart tactic for groups that have been attempting to soften it down and become more mainstream . . that is something that would set them so back from this goal it just didn’t make sense to me.  not unless, it was actually being staged by other groups, perhaps another sorros event?  Not that i believe it was entirely scripted, yeah, there were some real neo nazis there . . . but.

Well, if it was a scripted event that’s really going too too far. And yet . . .where’s the questioning.  Where’s the outrage over this??    Democrats don’t want to own the degree to which they have over the years done much of this kind of thing . . . There’s a mountain of evidence now coming to light about Oklahmoa bombing for example that illustrate this.

New York Times had some kind of headline about Trump  being in the middle of a self inflicted race conflict.  it’s not a race conflict. it’s ideological.

 

8-19

dropped off a 50 dollar gas gift card and a twenty dollar food gift card for Darrell but i did not stay and talk. I don’t know if i am doing the right thing in breaking off contact for a while .  Tommarrow is food stamp day for me, I may drop off my card for him and that way Im assured he has enough to eat.  Ive got a cabnet full of beans and rice and i can get by. Just need coffee and butter and olive oil.  I just reached a point where i snapped and could not take a drop more of the negativity  a few days ago.  I have bought myself some chrochetting stuff and am happy to spend a peaceful day today on a new project.  Yesterday I did an intense workout at the gym and Im rather sore today.  Getting bad vibes around town yesterday . . either people dissaprove of my shutting Darrell out or my recent thoughts following Charlotte’sville.

Falseflag events are so commen these days it is always wise to reserve a little skepticism about practically every terrorist event.  And the Democrats are not alone.  The Neo Cons for example and 9-11 . . . the worst i can think of. I mean if you really want to talk about Nazis.  Look into the history of Prescott Bush.  And although more and more people agree these days that 9-11 was an inside job . . .there’s no outrage.

I am missing Darrell terribly, the funny Darrell, the teasing Darrell, the teddy bear Darrell.  But I never see that Darrell anymore anyway.

 

8-20

Had a really nice day doing the market yesterday. Ran into lots of people I hadn’t seen in a while.  My hats arent as good as some of the ones i made years ago.  It’s turning cooler and i have a lot of summer deco hats, mesh baggy hats left over.

8/23

Dad has to go in for surgery on his spine.  Arthritis is pressing on his spinal cord.  He sees his doctor on the 29th.  I talked with him and insisted on taking a leave of abscence and going back to St. Cloud whether my mother likes it or not.  Something like this was bound to happen and they will have to face reality wether they like it or not.  I guess Darrell too is going back to south Dakota for sure next month.  So the story of karen and Darrell in Washington will soon be over and done. For me, it certianly was not always a happy one . . although it could have been.  It’s back to the Midwest wether we like it or not . . wether they like it or not.  Cannot put off family obligations further.  I will get a room somewhere in t. Cloud. it will be hell living with my Mom untuill then, her dementia is much worse andher meaness and stubborness as well. i will emerge the strongest in all this.  Outlive all of them.

8/27

I have some new clients and they are delightful.  Professional people with a aging mother visiting for a spell.  They have this awsome house filled with Alaskan Native artwork, Chinese prints. glass work, photographs , dreamcatchers, drums,  and art of all kinds. There are are lots  of windows, workshops, nooks and crannies that catch the light. The house is surrounded by large cedar.  If i had to come up with a phrase that captures the sense of this house i would call it a ‘lightcatcher’.  Rob is a retired engineer who makes cedar hats as a hobby in his workshop. His wife, a retired teacher.  You know it’s a good assignment when one of ones job duties is to start off with morning coffee with the clan and the morning news. Really, it’s on my check off list . . morning coffee.

Darrell has been working on one of his wood burnings, varnishing it up . . . Tribal images has shut down and he has no place to sell it except informally so perhaps i will bring it in for the Hoyts to look at.  Now, at the cusp of decisions that draw us back to St. Cloud . . . i suddenly find myself working for rich Indians with a powerful aesthetic , here among the cedars.

Darrell came over and was in a good mood.  Like the Darrell who used to live with me years ago, all laughter and teasing.

August 30th

Stressed out again over Dad’s upcoming surgery.  Contacted sister kate and perhaps she can step in.  The idea of having to go threw all that again  makes me so upset.  What, i get there and mom whines around and gets hostile and then Dad asks me to leave and pays me off . . like my job and housing are going to tolerate me leaving every 3 months to ‘help him’  which basically means listen to him make fun of Mom and spew out all his resentments untill they send me home.  I fucking tried to re establish myself in St. Cloud 3 months ago so I could be on hand for emergencies and care taking . . but they pulled the rug. Now they want me back like it was nothing . . .god, no wonder so many of the men in my adult life were just like that, Eddy, Dan .  using their home to play out power games , under their controll and then decimating me. Drawing me in and throwing me out.   Darrell too, once he got his place. I have had it.  The long term consequences of this have messed me up.  I was better off in my 20s . . when everyone throught i was so terrible and didn’t give a shit about them . . .then, they were nice.  Why is that . . the more you care about people the more they fuck with you . . when you don’t give a shit and are totally selfish then they go out of their way for you.

(later)

I probably will go back mid September . Somebody has to this time.  Darrell is leaving too.  And very soon.  There’s all kinds of complications involved with our simultanious move and future plans that would put grey hair on a saint in my my shoes.  I have to weigh some pretty heavy stuff . . but then, I have been for a long time now.

Was watching episodes of Cosmic Disclosure with Cory Goode.  I suppose anything is possible. Even the idea that  the extraterrestial threat could be part of a plan to focus the globe on an external enimy.  it may turn out that Wilcox and Goode are having a good laugh as they rake in the gullible . . but I don’t think so. That amounts to a lot of research and time spent . . there are easier ways to run a con.  It’s a lot of information to take in and process . . . but I guess i believe that there is a secret space program and that our history might be very very different from what we believe.

8-31

Watching Manhunt: the Unibomber and my heart just goes out to that young man who wnet through such a terrible MK Ultra experimentation at Harvard.  I did too . Although it was different . . but the invitation to share ones life story , one’s soul , to hook one into that  . . .and then have it turned into calculated, ritualalistic humiliation in an attempt to break or program a trauma based fragmented personality that can be triggered, is the same. The technique was a little different .In my case it was not secret but public . .but the monsters were the same.  I ask myself; am I broken?  If not, what was the core strenghth that carried me through.  Perhaps i was older than Ted. Hardened to betrayal, except for my romanticism towards Darrell. Also, I had a sense of what was happening to me and i tried to make it known (unsucessfully)  Perhaps Id already come to a place in my life where i cast a skeptical eye on my fellow countrymen. Was it my mind or my heart that carried me through? A pschologist , a wonderful  Italian nun from New Jersey . . once told me i would have trouble with people in my life because i saw right through them, and they knew it, so they would use whatever leverage of power they had to hurt and diminish  me.  That was a long, long time ago.  people like her are rare , they are what one would hope pyscology would be all about.

But it rarely is in my experience. and there are more people like Murrey in that  field than Adi.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





July 2017

2 07 2017

See June

Too lazy and tired today.

July 7

Just got notice from social security.  It will in all likelyhood end soon. I am only 1 and half years away from retirement . . .now, when my hip is in constant pain and riding buses is an agony, now when asthma has escalated and takes chunks out of my work . . when i need it they end it.  I am only working part time since I have returned from MN and absolutely nothing has gone right.  it’s like there’s this disaster or breakdown energy that has shutting down everything I . . and my frined darrell try to do.  I was given a job assingment up in the hills and they have to call a cab because Darrell’s car is falling apart.
Because he hit a deer. This costs the co op time and money. Then the assignment is cancelled.  No explanation . . i am left wondering what did I do wrong?  I thought we were getting along good . . perhaps we were, perhaps its just the transportation problem. Then my tablet died. I need a phone for work so even though i am really short on money I went out and got a go phone. It lasted about 6 days . .then the night before I am to go to Seattle, I am getting really ill with brochitis and asthma and slop herb tea on the phone.  No phone to call work.  No phone to call Kate.  Some how we connect in Seattle. By Sunday I am in bed, where I belonged. No phone to call in sick so I use email to contact them, twice,  about not making my Monday shift.  I get in trouble for  not calling.    I know they think Im bullshitting . . .

it just sounds like an inplausable string of mishaps. So I have to go in today and recieve my scolding lecture and paperwork on ‘communication’ and ‘attendance’.  Yes your honor, the car hit a deer, two phones died, I was sick . . but the car is up and working now, we replaced the wheel bearings, and i got a flip phone for emergencies. Im better . . . i went to the doctor.  Really your honor.

Then yesterday there was another miscommunication about cancelling my evening shift. In trouble for that.  Everything is collapsing no matter how hard i try and I am genuinely frightened.  I really need that social security.  I can hardly walk these days.  How will i work??  Seems like everyone is angry with me no matter what I do, . . and Im the one that’s doing all the work, all the helping out, reaching out, going on bus trips to patch up family ties . . which doesn’t work and then takes a hug bite out of my health, physical emotional and financial and destabilizes my world big time.  Quitting Cascade connections to go to MN  has ruined me. What little constancy and stability I had.   If my parents had not been so strange and had let me reestablish myself id be in a good job right now, with a car for my hip.  perhaps it is this toll that is manifesting itself in all this energy that makes things go wrong ever since i came back. But then . . . I think the beginning of the end began a little over a year ago, the Spring trip to Standing Rock and MN. This entire year since then has been nothing but abuse and anger and talk of death threats  and me trying to cope as professionally as i can to hold on to the future. The long range plans i made for the future have fallen apart. All that training and practice so i could step in and help my folks transition the last years of their life . . but the energy connected with casting Karen out was more powerfull, more deeply ingrained, more nessesary to them than the bonds of love.  Now Im up shit creek.

Really, Im trying to be a good employee but i feel like that biologist guy in the gods must be crazy trying to impress the school teacher and everything goes wrong, looks wrong instead.  I suppose i can just look for another line of work . . .there’s always running the cash register at some conveniance store.  I can call up socail security and cry and cry, get some kind of written verification on the extra expenses my ‘disability’ are creating for my co op. Then get some exrays of that hip as fast as i can . . . and hope I can get the results to social security beofore their final desision.

Sunday

Rest day.  Feeling better.  I did not get the reprimand I expected.  Perhaps making a mountain over a mole hill . . but it shows i care about my work. Just a little tap on the wrist.  Also recieved another letter from S.S.A . . . they are keeping my benefits in place and medicare too.  That makes me very, very happy.  That is the cornerstone of my stability at this point.  it allows me to live with some comfort . . anything else i make is extra and allows me to dress better, go out to eat . . . get tablets and so on. I am putting money into savings for a car now.   We are now entering a stage of fix it energy where everything seems to mend, come together, come out bright and shiney.  I took Darrell’s car to the car wash and got all the deer crud and road crud off of it.  It purrs now, all bright and shiney. Darrell too was purring, his smile all bright and shining.

I don’t know if I am bright and shiney yet but i feel like all the road crud is washed off my soul as well.  When we settle down and quit trying to run across country our little world maintains itself nicely despite all the challenges and what ever opinions are thrown our way.  When we dash off all the time in the name of family everything falls apart and has long term consequnses.  Darrell especially . . but why am i writting about him still.  he does not write about me. Cusses a lot perhaps.

I am wearing my prayer bead bracelet all the time. After all, the gods are real if you believe in them . . . I rather like the god that was manifested in the monk/hustler who blessed and cursed me in Seattle.  Rather like Mr. Wednesday of ‘American Gods”. My favorite  show,.  i decided to believe in good things happening if i wear it . . .and truthfully, i feel better. The love and compassion  energy that was dying out in me blossomed back . if it’s delusional well what of it . . . it doesn’t hurt.

Wednesday

Day off.  I am well again and looking forward to getting back to swimming. Really looking forward to my day.  I might even do some yoga later.  Worked w Georgia yesterday who is such a sweetheart. This line of work, through the co op,  is so much less stressfull and depessing than what I was doing in Lynden. And much easier too in some ways . . it does however require interpersonal skills, since this is companionship as well as assistance. So it depends on my ability to forge communications. To find commen ground with my clients.    I can talk to people, talk about their lives, mine to some degree, i am not cut off from others as i was under progressive sabotage. Their ruthless and evil tactics were  not entirely successful.

I have been watching ‘The Story of China’.  It has completely  engaged me. So much of it is unfamilier to me.   I was always kind of partial to the Ming Dynasty in the past because i admired their voyages , the pottery and laquerware. I had no idea they were so autocratic and severe however.  I think I would have enjoyed living in the southern Song.

As long as i was ugly and unvalued so no one bound my feet. And i could write poetry and eat out a lot.  Perhaps if I were part of a restaurant owning family . . . or a lively tavern.

But hell, I have a lot of that here and now.  Except for being ugly, and part of a resturant owning family.

Bought Darrell a new pair of tennis shoes.  He is in a pretty ragged place right now . . . tape on his shoes. The St. Cloud upbringing voice tells me that it is the consequence of his own actions, irresponsibilities  and  choices, and if he is lonely and forlorn its because he has been such an asshole . . .the pity part of me , despite everything, is trying to fan a little bit of hope and care in the hopes that he will pull his life together again.  A new pair of shoes, a new shirt, a chicken dinner . . .who doesnt like new shoes.  it won’t break the bank.  He WILL try to push the envelope if Im generous, it comes with the territory, and i WILL build up resentments if  I let myself be a push over.  But that isn’t happening right now . . and I am finding what I need in life in my community now, unlike the past and all my meaning is not tied up with darrell.

I ment to write of things on the larger stage that have captured my attention.  Rush Limbaugh said some things that caught my attention and stunned me with their stupidity . . . but, I dont feel like going into it. right now.

Sunday 7-16

I have things to be very happy about, things to be gratefull for that have come my way but instead I am feeling very sad, abandoned,

puzzled by so much rejection, and empty. For tyhe first time since I cam back from MN I am pain free, illness free. Got in a good workout at the pool. That is something to be grateful for.  Social security is something to be gratefull for.  My father’s sudden willingness to help me finance a used car is something to be gratefull for.  I ought to be estatic. But I just feel so lonely. I did a string of things with Darrell and then he unexpectedly turned mean on me . . .ive been over that over and over in my journals and it still hurts. Still gets to me.  The things people do to hurt me always seem to overshadow all the good things . . and sometimes it just catches up in a mini breakdown of sorts. When Darrell took off without telling me and no one would answer my calls it really messed with my soul, filled me with puzzlement and anger and grief. When i run into Paul or Andrea that’s all I can think of. Why? Oh . . because Im supposed to be soooooo stupid. That carcophany of condemnation, constant from Darrell as well. So, that excuses the most basic courtesy? What was so stupid about being worried, worried about him losing his place, trying to ttrack him down in Standing Rock?? Gathering up some of his cherished stuff? Then the hear6breaking stuff in St. Cloud. after all that effort.  Then no one would comment any more on Facebook.  That’s done.  After all that effort.  Now Kate is not responding to communication after all the pain and illness and trouble i went through to get down to Seattle. I guess I didn’t show her a good enough time ior she deemed me too unworthy. Now . . despite the flipping into anger and abuse, i feel sad that I am truely, finally losing Darrell. He is taking down and packing up his stuff to leave. This hurts most of all . . . we did so much to make him comfortable in his new apartment, and it all went down the tubes.  The energy that once usustained it dissapeared.  All the love left . . yet, i hung on, even though the love had gone.     I am all alone and friendless. I have no connections now.

I do have some peace and security, and with a car Im all set. My job keeps me interested.  Is my destiny i wonder to be so sad all the time.

7/19

Worked with Georgia, who was crying and crying when i arrived over a tiff with her son over hair washing.  I just held her.  She is responsive to affection and touch.  We all have our ‘cry days’. Days when we just seem to have an overview of our life situation and we want to cry, or can’t stop it when it starts, for all the wasted days we get up, go through our routines, put on our best most optomistic face . . and still feel wronged in some way. Feel the futility of it all.  I think with Georgia, that in spite of the dementia, there are moments of emotional clarity, as there are in other clients, when the overview of their situation and their lack of personal autonomy and controll is fully felt.

The childish, pouty  mood of a few days ago has passed. Not without ripples of consequence. Depression causes lapses in my focus in my work and self . I get my schedual screwed up . . mess things up for myself. Loose things. break things. drop things. forget things.    You would think i would have this thing licked by now . . . be able to recognize the patterns that lead to relapse.  Perhaps some day the behaviorists will find out that they got it all wrong . . it really IS demonic spirits after all .OOOOPS.   You have to wonder sometimes . . .

Perhaps my visit with Kate brings up the undiscovered country of a deep bond going back to childhood, good and bad.  And it casts a shadow that’s been hard to shake.

She did write me a brief and up beat thanks for the visit.  And that ment a lot.

Came very close to being conned, or inadvertantly  making a poor buying desision on a KIa.  it seemed to travel nice at higher speeds.  But something about the man’s sales pitch alerted me that he was aware of possible transmission problems ( it had been replaced) and something about leaks being sealed so i had it checked out by the boys at the black top and they found a few things that would cost mean additional 2000. if not fixed they said i would be risking a blown head gasket so I did not get the car.  Tired of looking at cars right now. The enthusiasm has worn off. You can’t get very much for 2500. You need at least 3000 to get a used car that’s decent.  I have the number of a dealer that a bunch of guys here in my building swear by so i guess I’ll check them out.  Darrell has been taking me around . . but of course, he wants a lot of gas money. Mayber I will just save up and get something half way decent.

Going to the Dr. today to have them look at that hip.  Ill probably have to have some exrays.  Did some beadwork projects and that was fun.  almost done with a new hat design as well.  So that’s the boring report from the increasingly  boring old lady . . and i am beginning to sound like a old lady these days.  My hips. My doctors appointment.  My car.  The illnesses of others. My crochetting.   But I have come to a place where I value holding on to connections with people a lot more than I used to.  perhaps it becomes important at last on the cusp of sunset years . We hold on to what we have if we can. Instead of throwing it all away on some momentous thing as we see it . . which all passes away anyway and is forgotten.

(later)   Bursitis. That was the diagnosis. one of those itises. My new young , handsome, fit , strong handshake doctor gave me the talk . . .on the holistic relationship between nutrition, emotional health, eatting habits, metabolism  and so on  . jeez i felt like i ought to be ashame d for being fat and old.  . . i mean , he was a really nice guy . . but the term “morbidly obese.’ who termed that??  morbidly obese?? not pleasently or happily or even joyfully or self acceptingly obese . . morbidly obese?  people who weigh 600 pounds and wish to dies that way perhaps . . . but I m 70 pounds away  from being o.k.  .  where did this term morbidly obese come into being?  Im not morbid about the extra 70 pounds I carry.  well . . sometimes.  I  wistfully wish for the days when i was different.  but give up beer?  For beauty? at 60?  hell no.

what exactly am i supposed to be fit and beautifull for?

Friday

Started the diet.  Bought a bunch of tangerines and bananas.  Making up some chicken soup , without noodles.  Hibiscus tea and iced black tea instead of juice or gatoraid.  i wanted to do this anyway.  i can take off 25 pretty easy . . it’s not following that with a binge of m and ms, peanuts and snickers that’s the hard part.  I found out the wild Turkey is the alchoholic beverage with the least amount of calories.  I did not know that.  Now i know it. Tequila comes in second.

Got my smart phone replaced.  Im letting Darrell use it so he can play his games , watch netflicks and do facebook . . . its better for his mentle health than watching endless Andy Griffith dvds.  I may use it from time to time  , I miss my u tube, but i signed up for Gia on on demand and that has been keeping me quite engaged.  Only one season of Buzz saw??  I would think it would have a lot of viewers, interesting material . . the kind of thing I seek out. I don’t write about it much, but i think about it. . . the Dracos, the The Rockefellers, the
rothshields, the mind controll terrorism, (Actually I have written alot about my experience with that . . long before it became widely understood) Nebula,   there are endless topics in Gia to feed my hungry seeking curiosity.   The smart phone for Darrell is a good move, better that than feeding his weed habit and his  endless driving to Lummi out of obsession and boredom.

Still looking at cars.

Tues

Got a car. A Honda accord .   Needs tires.  Also an oil change . . so Im not going to drive it much till i do this. Had a little trouble starting it yesterday and my heart sank, thinking Id bought a dud. But it was just the battery posts. I cleaned them off and put a little tinfoil around them and retightened the bolts and that did the trick.

Invited Darrell over to dinner but, true to form,  he didn’t show and i got bent out of shape. Brought over some food instead.  Man, was he grouchy.

Wed

Put in some oil  .  The car was frighteningly low on oil, as it was in radiator water and windsheild fluid.   This guy must of let that car sit for a while . . either that or he sure didn’t care very much about it.  He didn’t really drive it like that ?   It just purrrs now.  It definetly has potential.  I trust it now . . except for the tires.  Car has  these red and black leather racing seat covers and steering wheel cover . . i hate them and want to take them off but Darrell likes them and says they suit the car. They don’t suit my personality however.  The car is really good on gas, really good but i will have to watch it carefully to see if it eats oil, or leaks.  I have to get the title change and plates. Dang i hate this WA law that makes you get new license and tabs when you change title.  Expensive.  Then tires.  After the 3rd Ill put it on the block and have it checked out . . . I should probably check the transmission fluids and break fluids today. Also, clean it out. All kinds of shell casings under the seat.  Not only did this kid like racing periphanelia, he also apparently liked to hunt. And crank up the music.  He had expensive subwoofers in the car  but I didn’t want to [pay for them so he removed them . . that’s probably why the battery post was loose. Car sticks a tiny bit in first and could use a little  reallignment but not too bad and the mileage is pretty good.

I’ll put some Indian blankets on those seats.  Hang a little sage from the windshield.  Maybe something goofy on the dash . . .get some stickers on the bumpers . . . .yeah,then the car will be hunted instead of hunter . . . .that’s actually not a joke, but it will feel right.

Then Ill crank up the Bach and totally confuse them.

Monday

Made some dances and festivities last week. Went to the Downtown block party on Wenesday night.  Some hot bands, Snug harbor and Positive Agenda.  I really dug Snug harbor.  The lead singer was . . er . . hefty . . .in a 1940s style Hawaiin lime and pink floral type dress with a pink floppy hat to match . . and boy could she belt it. What a voice.  Yeah!! Celebrating hefty women!!  This band was followed by a dancersize type group that got the crowd mimicking their sexy dancersize moves incorporating  African dance, latin (kind of) moves and a whole bunch of other dance styles.  Lots of hefty women in that group shakin that booty.  Proud to be hefty night and lovin it.  So, in the spirit of what appeared to be an empowerment thing I too got out and shook some hefty booty.  Probably the first time in about 20 or more years.  I still got some moves.

People here generally don’t ‘get down’ uninhibitedly.  I did most of my dancing in Eugene and especially Newport OR . . and in those days everybody got down at the drop of a pin. Especially in Newport during the winter months when the tourists were gone and the fishing slow and dancing was just the way people dealt with the dark and rainy months. They had some great local musicans in those days, like Rick Bartow.  When I worked at the Whale’s tail we would close up, clock out for a hour and go dance at the fisherman’s bar . . what was it called, the Bay Haven? Then clock back in and finish up.

It’s either a different era or a different region . . . people sway until theres enough of a crowd to brave dancing in a crowd. They are definetly not uninhibited.   And no one does much team dancing.  Girls dance with their friends a lot.  The loss of magic on the dance floor (except for the dancersize thing) seems to be a casualty of the whole gender blurring thing, some would call it a breakdown , deliberately engeneered or not, good or bad.  Not the way I remember it.

Also went out and caught some bluegrass the other night.  Im not going to let the summer pass without enjoying it a little.  Some times you have to make a plan to get out when depression gets you . . or the whole cycle of negative self talk.

Dudes seem to be angry at me for some reason.  I can see it . . what the issue is I do not know.  Made up a bunch of food for Darrell this week end and tried to make up after a friction last week.  I invited him to dinner.  He did not show or call. I got bummed out and bought some wine and had a few things to say over the phone.  But all is O>K> again.  We had dinner last night and were friendly company for each other.

The bad news is that my rent has been increased by 400 dollars . . and I am only working part time.

I have more to say about this.  it made me cry and cry. Feel Punished.  Like a target of jealousy and sabotage because my life was going better. My unending distress story with the BHA over the years.  I almost got in my car and drove to a brand new town yesterday.  Seems like they really don’t want you to get anything good, to get ahead.  Like they are so resentfull that some one might be getting something more, or for free, or undeservedly.  Or by not following the unwritten rules. or the written rules.  . You know, outside the matrix.

I could feel it in the building among the tenents too. But they saw me break down and cry, and once you do that, then the resentment eases off and even the thunderclouds are being friendly this morning.