July 2018

11 07 2018

Mom passed away 6 days ago.  I was there the day before.  I was alarmed as soon as i came in.  She had been given liquid morphine to ease the sudden flare up of severe pain in her injured hip. She was clearly having fragmented hallucinations and fighting, thrashing as much as she could.  she was in a padded wheel chair.  Dad and i tried to get her to tell us where the pain was . .perhaps there was something else going on she could not communicate.  We suspected to a mini stroke but she had no 0paralasis.  She was not able to communicate.  For a bit she knew who i was, just as we were leaving and she held my arm and did not want to let me go  but eventually, i had to take Dad home.  i came back and spent the rest of the day beside her but she was already in a sleep, broken only in bits.  At one point she she came to a little i said Mom, It’s Karen.   She replied in a 2 year old voice; “Kay-wren?”  and that was the last time we spoke to each other.  I told the staff that I had witness shaking, perhaps siezures and that i felt she was severely dehydrated. But no one was trying to force fluids .  They insisted that it was not end of life but simply a reaction to morphine. I didn’t believe them and now i am haunted by this, by the doubts that perhaps she could have come to if taken to the hospital, perhaps the lack of fluids caused organ shut down . . or hastened it.  Im haunted by the hours we spent, the entire family assembled, while she lay dying, haunted by the sound of her breathing, and the warmth that had quicly fled her face after her last breath. No way to bring her back.  Everything haunts me but i cannot show it.  there was a service to prepare, relatives and close family to see. They too had their private grief.  I did not get edgy with anyone, despite the huge snubs i numbly had to wade through during this time of pain.  But i snapped at kate this morning when she typically, tried to negate something i had expressed.  it’s been a longstanding patterrn with her and I . . she would not talk to her friends and co workers that way but has always jumped on me and negated me, wether it be a plan to make tostadas or an opinion on something.  Shuts me down and tries to erase me. And i typically take it untill it pushes the wrong button and i snap back.  Some of the frozen ground unthawed however between myself and the orcutts.  i thanked Lynn and Bian for all they had done over the years . . .i recognize that I had made a mistake when i called the State. or did I?  It was the source of their anger at any rate.    Part of my difficulty is that there has been renewed social abuse all of a sudden.  People have their minds made up and they won’t change so there’s no use in protesting any more.  The progressives were so open about their campaign of charecter assasination . . .openly bragged about it, how it was coming along,  bragged about how they had pulled of such a flwless cover up . . . but there’s no use in trying to fight any more.  Only hope that people will have respect for this period of mourning.

 

July 9

House went up for sale today,

At lunch Dad gave me the I’d like to be alone, why don’t you go back to WA speech.  I think he is concerned that i will ‘devalue’ the sale of the house. he’s thinking about his house.  Ive been very nice to Dad, worked my ass off for him, hauled him everywhere , cooked and cleaned but apparently it’s not good enough.  Id really hoped to stay untill Dad’s birthday when there is going to be an Egerman get together for his 90th birthday.  Perhaps he doesn’t want me there.  I know my sister’s don’t.  They made it very clear that I am not an accepted member of the family and Lynn’s family did not even speak to me, except Racheal.  No one consoled me for my my relationship with my mother except the SpottedHorses family .I wasn’t even acknowleged really . . no pics of me as an adult on the picture board, no real part in the cerimonies except as a greeter. Both my sisters had an atitude that i was so intolerable that they could barely stand to me in the same room with me. And they said to to the families everytime i opened my mouth, offered an opinion .  i was immediately shit down.

elites in media explain the hurricane of hostility and abuse over the years as . . . she was a shitty person. I guess that’s the accepted narrative now. At least on the left.   We told her the truth but she just couldn’t handle it.  Who gave them that privelege by t the way?? I was a private citizen.

Talking with my cousin Bruce on the Egerman side he made a remark about my Dad;

“Virg is an Egerman.  He will always tell you what your worth.”  Considering that my Dad has called me a bag of shit since i was 17, a piece of shit, or simply garbage ( no wonder i had emotional problems with relationships)   I guess that means that is what I am officailly worth.

It’s been a very sad turn of events for me, following the death of my Mother . . . which i was there for by the way. Garbage drove all the way from WA to see her, take her out and drive my Dad all over and get his all important house readym as well as make his meals for 2 months.

But that’s the Egerman way.  And thanks to the media which qouted my Dad on this, Bill O’reilly to be exact . . it’s not surprising that there is tstill his aggression here like “Garbage is back” in the background here in St. cloud, 20 years since I headed out with Darrell and his family from St. Cloud. 20 fucking years.

People high in the Bush, Obama and even a little bit in the Trump administration have refered to it as ‘the madness’ . . or ‘rampant mysogany’ to qoute Carl Rove, or most recently ‘A pschosis.’  But it is oviouse to me that the roots of this go way way back to family of origen and emotional patterns of relating learned early.

I doubt that they can even see how any of this impacted me.  or if they can they really don’t care.  It has been a very painfull experinece the past weeks.  I knew it might be.  I knew too that the pattern of kicking me out and all the pain that causes would play out as it always does.

Who is going to drive him??  He can’t see.  i really, really, thought we were getting along good this time . . now wondering what did i do ? and the answer is probaly go out to the bar twice. No problems associated with it . . . but if wasn’t that then it would have been something else.  The thing is, I always have to be ‘a problem’ even when my actions are supportive and my behavior is very good.  They don’t really want goodness from me. Then they would have to accept me and that’s not my assigned role.

They were really praying that I would do something ‘wrong’ so they could jump on me and reject me.  Im supposed to be the problem alchoholic . Even though i rarely drink these days.  . they don’t much like it when I suceed at things and keep my shit together or am good to other people . . . the thing is, I always have had to be carefull that the physic energy doesnt side swipe me into a minor relapse that gives people what they want . . and what usually will do this is dissapointment, negativity, that sort of thing.

But i know i did O>K. here in St. Cloud.   I worked hard,  I was there for my Mom’s passing (even though the Orcutts were fuming about my being here)  I helped Dad transition.  I did a lot to protect Darrell as well . . .regularly sending him cards, things.

Well it’s sad.  I really was looking forward to focusing on my crafts and doing the market in St. Paul around the 24th and putting out my hats and darrells art in St, Paul with Juanitas help. Have some fun. Meet some people.

I suppose i could live in my car for a bit.  enjoy the summer a bit longer.  Even Karen Carlson said i could stay over there and i should have asked her in the past when i felt bum rushed .

I am not a shitty person.  I express myself well.  Im authentic.  Im kind.  Im creative.  Im loyal and generous to my frineds.  And Im not so very negative either . . .I laugh a lot through facebook and things.  I love deeply.  I put myself out on a limb for people i love.  I work hard and manage to keep a roof over my head . . .it may not be a wealthy roof but it’s a roof.  so it is.  I would rather be me than any of those that get satisfaction in giving pain, in labeling, diminishing or reducing others to name calling.

that IS a pychosis.  They are right.  It became a national pychosis no matter how the media spins it as some sort of justifyable reaction.  How they were so sterling in promoting all this,  insisting that they were the holders of truth . . and i just couldn’t handle it.  i think it’;s the other way around.

 

 

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June 2 2018

2 06 2018

another busy week end. Drive. Drive. Drive.

This time I drove down to the twin cities, on a Friday rush hour too. Never drove in a big city like that.  Entering Minneapolis was bumper to bumper nightmare of freeways but i did it. Managed to get to Juanita’s house in St. Paul just off of Chesar Chavaz.  We chatted it up for hours at a mexican restaurant with Aztec decor. Darrell and i footed the bill.

i brought with me a box of tools donated from Dad’s work room.  Some saws, sanders,and so on.  Darrell was delighted by the sanders.  His wrist was broken in Minneapolis back in 2004 when he punched some guy after his son was shot in the buttocks.  It never set right and so sanding is difficult for him. He in herited two really good elctric sanders.  he almost got a power saw too but at the last minute Dad could not part with it, saying he still might use it.  You know how guys are about their power saws . . their more attached to them their their first born sons.  I did not try to point out that he could hardly lift one much less see one. Might use it ? End up cutting his foot off.  At any rate it was a great dinner, a fun dinner and a welcome break. Juanita is a really interesting and influential woman.  She used to run Two rivers Gallery at the Indian Center adn ran, along with Sammy Watso ( I believe) the native circle.  They were once important patrons of Darrell back in his Minneapolis days.  She was interested, both good and bad in my role in the life of ‘Darrell the artist’  over the years and how we did things that put his name out there. So we had commen ground and a lot to talk about.  i really like her, dispite what Darrell had to say about the native arts council being oppurtunistic and trying to controll his art for their own profit.

I know the restaurant was very over priced and pretty mediocre   . . out West , good  Mexican food is eaten by everyone, all the time, Mexican restaurants and taco wagons are everywhere and it’s cheap.  But that’s O.K. . . .this is the Midwest.

Then after all that driving to get him settled somewhere, Darrell decided to take the train back to WA.  we put his sanders and things into a big suitcase and headed back to St. Cloud stopping off for a bit to meet his grandson Jeramiah, whom he had never met.  jeramiah was indifferent, silent, focused on t.v and showed little emotion of interest ,which bothered Darrell.  But Darrell  showed him his pictures and Jeramiah unthawed a little, warmed up.  Darrell gave him some money , which really astonished him.  and a tee shirt. In the end Jeramiah had a big hug for Darrell and all was well.

Then we were off once again in a mad dash to catch the train.  I bought the ticket as we drove and we barely made it in time.  We could here the train approaching in the distance as we pulled the bags from the car at the St. cloud train station.  Darrell is now relaxing and enjoying his train ride today . . finally, after a month that has been extrememly hard on him.  Not just getting hit by lightening . . but my Dad was not the only one reluctant to shelter him.  Even Juanita could not help him for long.  i thought Darrell would have a good time in Minneapolis, his old stomping ground.  But i guess most of the guys he used to hang with are dead now. ( I hope rocky is one of them).

My Dad is going through that too.  He went to 2 funereals last week.  All the guys he used to do coffee with in the morning are dead. The silver sneakers club that used to walk the Mall couldn’t walk anymore . . even with walkers.  he doesn’t know anyone at church any more.  The sunscreen i put on his bald, splotched head is his only human touch  other than hugging my Mom.  I feel so sorry for him.

We got the house in tip top shape yesterday before i went to the cities. That made him happy.  The yard work is done.  Darrell too was happy for the first time when he boarded that train. So everyone is happy now . . . and I am very tired, and broke.

Monday June 4th

Everything in my body hurts.  Im so very tired. Darrell got hassled the minute he set foot in my building. Some one called the cops . . they just HAD to hassle and create problems and stick their noses in my life and mess it up.  That’s all they ever do there.  He was in the apartment unloading his gear for about 10 minutes  before the police showed up.  Fortunetly , the police know him, know us and idn’t even bother to call me to verify that i told him to go get some rest and shower up.

I was so upset at work . . that just brought up so many bad memories of always hassling with those neighbors over the years.

I don’t understand it.

WHY CAN’T THEY JUST LEAVE US ALONE.  WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY.  there’s not much I can say about it without gravely insulting a lot of people in my building . . only that they just sit around in the lobby all day long and feed on each other, nothing better to do.  It’s notorious.  i was shocked when i first got hit by it back in 2003 or 2004.  It was shattering to us.  The first time Darrell took a drink and couldn’t get his key in the door, after years of sobriety, they smashed him down . . it was Christmas too.  tresspassed him for life ( since rescinded).  jealousy, i think. and spite.  He was devastated and full of rage.

And he blamed me . It started a shit storm that’s going on to this day.   I really went out of my way , and spent a lot of money putting him in motel rooms, helping him with sleeping bags and so on and got so exhausted that i finally started sneaking him in in the dead of night. He would stay for a few days or weeks then head out.   We ended up doing this for years. and of course, periodically some crazy neighbor would report it because they didn’t like me or something.  There was a never ending shit storm that started over all this that ran for years and years and got more and more complicated. Police calls. seperations. then finally he got his own place . . only to make weed his priority when it became legal, and he lost it.

Then the bug thing got insane. My building had a huge bed bug problem.  There were a couple of hookers across the hall that had them really bad and somehow they gravitated to my place ( via Darrell?) and blossomed into a terrifying outbreak that took repeated efforts to eradacate . . more hassles.  The scapegoating that arose was really frightening too . . . there are still people who believe that i was the one who caused the bed bug problem.  Again . . threats , and Darrell being targeted .  pressure to have him out of the building and me punished as well.

Now . . .here i am in Minnesota.  I’v been  getting calls that my neighbors are ‘concerned’ and ‘worried’ that I am a missing person and that they suspect foul play and want to report to the police . . . what?  I told a million people where i was. We discussed it endlessly. Why do they want so desperately to make a police report against Darrell when he wasn’t even in the state.  I put an end to that  but apparently when he entered the building unaccompanied by me they got the raw meat they craved and of course . . .hysteria, all those women ganging up to call the police .  shit they know him.  Why didn’t they just ASK him why he was there. Why would they want to make trouble for me and cause more heartbreak.   This is the shit that causes ‘the war on white people’  . vindictive cunts. Vindictive people who get thier tiny moment of power pulling the rug on other people.

I got a call from Darrell about 4 in the morning.  Yelling at me  for the way he had to spend the night in the car and hitchhike to Mnpls when he came to St. Cloud because of my Dad.  That kind of stuff creates bad feeling too.  Darrell was talking about how he was being hassled . . how he was trying to do his best . . . nobody cared about him, Juanita was the only one who was nice, how he didn’t trust any one anymore.

Shoot, I ran my car into the ground trying to get him where he kept saying he wanted to go and nothing worked out for him. I spent a ton of money doing up his art for him to sell.  i sent him money.  But Im the bad person . . so he has to tell EVERYONE this, the endless story about the way he was treated. . get everyone mad.  What do they want from me???  What about the way I get treated.  What about the way he treats me?   Everytime i see him he’s in a temper.  I took a bee line out of Bellingham because of this . . . because he took off in the rain and then made it sound like I was being unkind , getting the street people riled up . . . . it’s an old trick of his.  The pity play.   If he doesn’t get his drug money he stages this over and over . . and it always goes the same way, it becomes dangerous for me.      I got nothing more to give. Im hanging by a thread. Nothing is ever good enough.

Nothing but hassle and hassle and hassle from Bellingham. ( and others.)Endless hassling. Endless blame.

Every once in a while i get a breather, like the first two weeks i was here.  Then all the hassling starts in again.

He’s mad too because there’s no t.v.

I am so angry at those people over there for their unnessesary cop calling.  I don’t need protection from his abuse right now . . . Im in Fucking Minnesota, in my Dad’s basement.  And if there’s a problem . . . I can either leave, sooth it down, buy him weed, or if nessesary call the cops myself. I don’t know . . just venting . . . sometimes i vent that no one intervenes on my behalf, and sometimes i vent because they do . . . no wonder I’m not popular.  I just know that any method is better than cop calling and arrests.

Crap like this makes me realize how good things really are for me now . . .it is quiet, predictable, I have a list of duties and as long as i do them everything is fine.

I may bitch about ‘percieved attitudes’ but most of that i realize now is taking the bait . . that’s being put out there in the hopes that i will bite.  St. Cloud is actually is growing, dynamic, quite diverse place these days.  The people by and large are pretty well educated, goal orientated, hard working, resonably well behaved, level headed.   Not a bad place at all.  Sure . . . there’s no weed but then i don’t smoke weed. Theres not the cool coffee shops and music . . some, but what can’t you get these days on the internet?  Who needs to go out.  There’s jobs . . . and for me, a temporary peace  . . untill dad gets tired of me being here. It’s a good here.

As an excercise I need to write down several things every blog entry that I am happy or gratefull for.  And there are many.  Things must be good for my soul, Im not drinking and i look healthy. Im gratefull for that.  Im gratefull for the Y.M.C.A.

Im gratefull for the library. And my quiet basement room and t.v. area, the nice porch.  The oppurtunity to help my folks pull through this difficult time  . . after all the troublesome years i brought them in my youth.  Maybe it took a boat load of dysfunction, violence and crap to make me appreciate the value of so much i took for bgranted once, even destroyed in myself. Why, i wonder.

June 12 th

Dream

I was looking at a large bird aviary.  The birds were very colorfull.  It seemed like a nice home for birds.  Then, as I was leaving, I saw the bodies of dead baby birds littered nearby where they had been thrown after being thinned out, either because they they died or were sickly.

Notes. Dream echoes the brutal underlying reality of beautifull middle class homes.

Getting ready to go to the nursing home now. The realitors have been here.  Just waiting on a price and then the house goes on the market.  hard to believe. it’s not even my house yet I have  such a feeling of attachment.  Unfortunetly that sense of attachment has cost me emotionally over the last 20 years.   It’s been played . . like a promise of inclusion, a sense of belonging, family and home like a carrot on a string, in a drama of hidden cruelties now reaching it’s end. More to say later . . .much to write.

I got hired at a good assisted living place that pays good.

And i went to the Mexican deli the other day.  On the menu was a Sioux Burrito.  All meat.  Oh those Mexicans and their inside joke . . i bet no one around here gets it either.  Little kids ordering it .

May 19

I may not have gotten hired after all . . my resume passed on to the nursing staff with a promise but no call backs yet. i suspect my leaving Bellingham in such haste and without proper notice will cost me all my references i spent so much time aqquiring. I think often oif some of ‘my people’ and miss them . . ought to write a letter to the Davises.

The house is on the market now. My Dad had two realitors look at it and chose the realitor that offered 249,000.00.  We sure put a lot of work into getting it ready for the assessment.  A lot of work putting in flowers and scrubbing carpets and the garage floor and the porchs and so on.  And for what, i wonder.  My Dad insists that it will all go to the nursing home.  So what difference does it make then if it goes for 250 thou or 12 thou? The state picks up the rest once all assests have been exhausted.  And the bitter pill is that there will be no inheritance. or not very much at all.  That was su-pposed to be our inheritance.  Why, I wonder, could he not have given the house to me??  Oh , I know . . . I didn’t DESERVE it.  Still . . .all that lifetime of work just so the government can take it??  And i remain as poor and hassled as ever.  My life and finances uprooted for good just so i can be . . a servent, living in the basement like i was as a teen ager.  I mean . . i don’t mind . . .there’s nothing i want to do that much in St. Cloud anyway, my bones hurt so much that the idea of going out just exhausts me.  I can crochet and watch some t.v. and watch my utube . . .Explore ideas with Gorden Maxwell, Graham Hancock, Richie Allen, Jake Morphonios , robert Steele and others . . . it’s like having a circle of interesting friends who take on the big questions and I can forget  all the other small spirited bullshit foisted on me.

The ‘small spirited bullshit’ of inheritance is a depressing pill even so. I try to rise above it and say it doesn’t matter . . but . . why couldn’t my father have willed the house to me??  If the goverment takes over when his assets are exhausted why not just get rid of his assets?  I would have left the house they way it was, except for a few things.  I would have a future.  . . instead of the destitution all this back and forth has brought on me.  Why should the government get it all???

when i bring up the topic with co workers the feed back was . . well, he must have a reason.  meaning you must have done something terrible, been a terrible person or something to cause that.  Ah . . just when you start to feel that this region isn’t so bad you are reminded of the ‘punishment culture’ that is such a fundamental part of the collective pschology here.  You DESERVE collective punishment or banishment or whatever.

I miss the  Seiks. Their wisdom and kindness.

There’s a big somalian population here.  part of the refugee relocation program. I work with a lot of them.  They Keep to themselves so i haven’t learned a great deal about their culture yet outside of personal observations.  They seem dignified and devout.  They are hardworking and quick learners. And a few of them are looking for houses. . . hmmmm

What else to talk about . . Darrell, lonely in Bellingham.  Telling me he loves me and misses my cooking.  He has the place all to himself and i think he likes that but i can hear the depression in his voice.  he likes having controll of me, having me do shit for him . . .like my Dad.  Funny . . none of my boyfriends in my younger days were like that. If i so much as brought home a salad from work ,Eddy would say he didn’t need a wife.  Derek too would make condescending remarks about suzy homemaker if i stayed home and made bread.  And i was pretty well rounded in those days . . i would run along the beach, photograph, write, visit all kinds of things and take in the coastal culture, i did yoga and had an interest in the creative edge.  I did a lot of sewing.  And dancing.  and drinking too . .when i went out dancing.  But that was a different time . . . .

sunday. father’s day.

Got in a good nights sleep and feel a lot more energetic and optomistic. Amazing what proper sleep can do.  Also, giving out love. Last blog entry was crabby whiney day, i was tired and hurting and thinking about what ought to be due to me.

Yesterday I took Mom out for lunch, a drive and a little shopping, which she enjoyed . . she becom es a lot more focused than people give her credit for when she is doing something besides living in her own head.  It was nice.  i talk to her like she is all there, instead of simplifying things or babying her . . she understands. I bought her an african violet which she likes. We picked out a nice hanging plant, really huge, of scarlett vincas for father’s day.

I also made up some cards for Darrell and bought him a back scratcher . . a bear claw  on a long stick.  He would like that.  I am finding that although much of his older art work that was saved to thumb drives got lost . . some of it can still be taken from internet sites and used as cards,  Not much of it.

Last night I made roast chicken with fresh green beans, sweet potatoes and gravey.  Today, i guess I’ll take the left overs and make some chicken dumplings for dinner. Life can be good.

I’m watching wild country on Netflix, about Rasneeshpurim.  I remember those days.  One of the people they interviewed was John Silvertooth Stewert who had property in Antelope.  I was living with John Silvertooth back in the late 80s. I rented a room from him. Then, when he moved I too moved into the new house.  he was a good housemate. He was gone a lot studying law and i took care of his high strung border collie named Jasper.  He appreciated the time i took to run and bath and comb Jasper, as well as keep up the house.  It was the democratic party headquarters at the time and I watched them plan their strategy from there.  it gave me a few insights even then.  Well what do we give the our bodies ourselves crowd . . etc . . . etc . so i was essentially the housekeeper for the busy coven of democratic party strategists in Eugene OR then . . . who would have thunk it.    John  seemed to overlook my nightly beer consumption.  And never said a word about my violin practice.  So it was quite a surprise to see him in interview after all these years.  Well . . . I best do a bit of house cleaning, get some yoga in before i start my work week this evening.  All is well . . except my heart is heavy about Darrell.  Despite everything, I miss him so.

June 22

Got a call back from Good Shepard and I am on for interview Wednesday.  Just when i start getting competitive in lens picking.

Today i get to relax. it’s been a tough week. Very little time to do relaxing things .

after work i sampled a bit of late night Saint Cloud just to see what’s out there post midnight.  First stop ; the pickled loon. Had to go there. It’s named after me after all.  Well, it was what I remember bars here in St. Cloud  ( and Madison) to be like . . . packed, once the other bars are closed, guys getting loud and rowdy.  I had a couple of IPAs and boy did they taste good. 2 girls, around age 20 walked in dressed in classic hooker.  Hot pants, halter, heels,they were drop dead gorgeous with long blond hair and they knew it. I puzzled.  They couldn’t be hookers.  They don’t have hookers in St, Cloud . . or maybe they do, I’m just unaware, my guess is that they were college girls.  There’s always a few blond bombshells that confuse being sexy with prostitution at that age, I used to see that in Madison quite a bit . Well, they are bound to run into the wrong kind of guy sooner or later.

The next late night foray was at new York Gyros and Hallal.  That was pretty lively too, and everyone was speaking what I presume was Arabic.  The food was delicious.

The other post midnight  stop was Gilbertos mexican deli. Home of the Sioux breakfast burrito.  The funny thing was , Darrell and i actually DID stop there for breakfast while he was in town but they had no coffee then.  So their hero , a full blooded Hunkpapa, inspriation perhaps of the Sioux breakfast burrito,walked out in a huff.  They really have a problem with their coffee.  It’s either cold or non existant. They need to work on that.  I ordered a taco, which was good but unless I’m hungry don’t think Gilbertos would be a hangout.  Too fast foodish.  So that leaves the polar extremes right now of the pickled loon with it’s dim lit rowdy collegiate indulgence ( but definetly friendly and not seedy) or the New York Gyros and Hallal, arabic epicenter as far as i can asertain. or one of them.

Of course theirs alway Perkins family restaurant with endless coffee and pancakes.

That leaves only a few more late night spots to sample. Theirs a seedy bar on East St. Germain and the White horse.

 

Sunday July 1st

Mom passed away this afternoon.  I think she died of grief.  I wish i could.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Late May 2018

26 05 2018

Dream

Darrell died.  I was grieving.  I had a roll of 35 mm film with me that contained pictures of him.  I tried to find a place to process it and did not find a dark room.  It was briefly opened in the light and then i was angry at myself and distraught that I had ‘ruined’ it.  I decided to try to process it anyway hoping that a faint image might still be there.  I was distraught because ‘the boys’ took ownership of the funeral as though they were the closest associates . . and i was excluded.

Notes.

perhaps this dream is about processing something in the light, or bringing something out in the light instead of in a dark room . . . thereby ruining the images of Darrell i still have.

Monday memorial day

Wow.  yesterday was quite the day. Took off around 2 a.m.  drive drive drive to Standing Rock where i found Darrell in his abandoned truck.  His nephew made breakfast.  I dropped off boxes.  We cleaned some grave sites and went to an outoor gathering at his cousins for a little soup with hominy and buffalo and corn . . so yummy.  Then drive, drive, drive.  Darrell did his usual road rage walk out scene and threatened to take off and hitch hike.

We pulled into St. Cloud after midnight and had a bite at 7th st tap.  We almost got a motel and now i wish we had . . a good nights sleep for both of us.  Instead we decided to save money and parked in the driveway of my folks house.  Dad had said he didn’t want Darrell coming over and this was the final result. Me, catching a few winks at my Dad’s hous in the basement and Darrell ,an outsider, sleeping in the car in the driveway.  This sentiment of my fathers . . i don’t think he even knows the impact of bad feelings, hurt feelings . . this inhospitality has caused. It is interpreted, correctly i think, as racism.  Then again, Darrell has acted out some historic aggression towards me and my family throughout the years and my 90 year old father is not one to disturb his place of peace.  But it was heartbreaking to see Darrell so tired and in need of rest . . .and to be treated with such hospitality by his own family during this visit to Standing Rock . . . all the laughing and informality, people coming and going, bringing food, borrowing food, teasing, sharing . . . and then this  potent symbol of what old St. Cloud is all about in the eyes of so many .  Why did I not stand up more.  I did once . . when i was kicked out of the family I did not quit Darrell just to woo my family back.  When the manager of my building tresspassed Darrell just to hurtme and he was on the streets i certianly was vocal about calling out discrimination, and I never deserted Darrell . . even though everyone blamed me for his being on the streets.  I defyed them and snuck him in and out . . . often I would spend hours looking for him and steering him home blasted, inch at a time.  I put myself at great risk over and over.  But here in the driveway . . I was compliant.  Not defiant.

I suppose it was , in part because I had invested so much in helping darrell only to be taken advantage of, to be, in the end labeled racist, the depised woman and so on . . and people believed it.  That’s the incredible part.  I was done with it all.  I just wanted peace for a while .  And I suppose it was because my folks were in their 90s and I did not want to challenge them at this time.

At 5 I got up and we went to Mc Donalds.  I gave Darrell some money and we went to the entrance ramp to the interstate.  There he thumbed it to Minneapolis with only the clothes he was wearing.  Headed for Juanitas.  Oh my god, what I have lost . . . my own essence it seems.  Not what the media made me out to be . . .but my real essence. In losing Darrell . . . over my father’s actions . . . I have lost him, and my soul.  But this will not be the end.

I have a feeling that Dad’s attitude when Darrell so badly needed a little hospitality ,  have made him a known racist now. And i have a feeling  this is just the beginning of trouble.

Wednesday

Just got word that Darrell made it safely to Juanitas.  he sounded jolly, laughing. That’s good.

Back to work and getting some regular sleep.  Only a little bit left on the landscaping.  Will get it done today.

 

(Later)  Getting the bums rush already.  Dad hinting around that there’s ‘ nothing for me here’.  How many times over the years have i heard that.  Mom saying ‘ why do you even bother to come home. There’s nothing for you here .  meaning no love.  I did something Dad didn’t like . . didn’t hurt him any but that constitues ‘disobediance.’  But non of this should suprise me.  My work is done here i guess.

Would have been nice to feel secure enough to enjoy the summer for once, just once, just fucking once without the there’s nothing here for you speech.  Or the , to qoute my mom, “remember your not wanted in the state of Minnesota” speech.  Actually there is something for me in St. Cloud . . or i thought there was . . . helping out my parents in their last days.  Whose going to drive for them?? Ive been driving all over hell for my Dad, out to cold Spring 3 times a week to see my Mom.

Shit, you try to help some one and look what they do to you.

Ran into my sister who did not even acknowlege me.

Well.  I could just live in my car for a while.

My dad says that once the house is appraised people will be coming by to look at it and so it needs to be spotless.  it already is.  Shoot, all i do is clean.  meaning i will bring down the value of the house???

I mean, what did i expect . . that some how things would be different.  Why, i wonder do they go through so much trouble to request that i come here.  is it just a bit of free labor . . untill something arises that is cause for the ritual of throwing me out once again . Good thing i did not let go of my apartment.  I’d have a chunk of money saved by now but i spent it all trying to help out Darrell . . and they’re still all mad too.  Somebody has been busy at work demonizing me again .  I knew that would happen too. wish I’d had time to make some friends here.

Thurs

I was all set to move into my car for a while.  I mean I have a membership at the y.m.c.a. so i can shower and stuff.  I even called the salvation army.  But Dad was being nicer when i got home.  I started cleaning up the kitchen, the fridge, made some barbeque ribs and brownies.  So i guess I’m good for now.  Everytime he does that little speech and sees the hurt in my eyes he cannot conceal his bubbbling laughter. That smile of satisfaction always flits over his face.  Addie called it rug pulling and charecterized it as evil.  perhaps it is something  hidden, that is evil . . but it certianly is not rare.  I see this in lots of people.  Americans, i think, really enjoy this sort of thing. I see it sometimes in others, but not as much.

At any rate i was kind of looking forward to making the break . . . the pschological freedom to be myself.  As long as i have a book and my android Im good.

I am picking up on some stuff, as people react to my presence here, a lot of old stuff.  Especially the insistance that there was a deserved public shaming over the cumul;ative amount of my ‘behaviors’, in fact, that was starting up in Wa when i left . . one of my co-workers  said something like “She isn’t very well liked around here because of the stuff SHE DID . . and there was this quivering outrage in her voice.. Well my point was, over the years and still is ,that I have had one boyfriend in the 20 some years since 1998.  I was never a prostitute and no . . .I do not deserve to be slapped for my behaviors.  Darrell has , over the years promoted me this way and it was lapped up by an eager audience that acted out for 20 years and insisted that “WE’ are judge, jury and executioner.  They cannot see, and will never see the manufatured madness.  Darrell in part, believed his own story . In many ways he knew what he was doing . . and why.  To cover his own sins.  There is no question that the media exerbated this . . .felt they had the right to promote ridicule and intense acting out behaviors . . a lot of negativity . . . .It’s always been my belief that they knew their target audience.  Mostly mainstream middle class white people . . . . and the shame based pschology that was so prevalent.  They’ve studied it for a long, long time . . wasn’t Freuds nephew the father of modern advertiseing??  We live in a nation that is run by mind controll, we are the most propagandized nation ever.  Everything is manufactured as social controll.  Everything. And boy, with all the M.K> Ultra and the market research  that goes into the entertainment business, news business and advertising they know what makes people tick, and HIOW to make them tick.

That’s been my position over they years and is still my position.. I keep hoping that some day it will all be set straight and what happened will be recognized but i see now that it won’t.  People have too much invested in maintaining their beliefs . . and their righteous rage.  The alternative would be to accept that they were manipulated, triggered and acted in mass pschosis.  That all these underlying emotions, rage and so on were utilized, directed, that they served a purpose . . and people  largely bought into it because it gave them something to condemn.  MY BEHAVIOR.   It gave them The freedom to act out and to act hatefully in an era of p.c. which prohibited this.     Did they ever consider that the behaviorist model, the mentle health business might be a corrupt system of social controll.  Read Jon Rappaprt sometime.  I’ve been over and over this and I have to state it again because Im back in MN, in St. Cloud which is like ground zero for behaviorism, and I’m seeing all this old business resurfacing. Never, Never will it ever be seen that the problem might largely have been THEM.

Im getting so tired of hearing about my behavior all the time . . . all i do is work, If i have so much as a beer the worl jumps all over me . . yet look at all the behaviors that were foisted on me.  Judge that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





May 2018

5 05 2018

Can’t sleep.  Having cop chase nightmares.  Two nights in a row.  In this last dream Darrell was chasing me too . . .AND the cops.

At the house now.  Dad certianly does need my help.  I think he has been lonely, headache that my Mom was the past two years .  I find the canned food diminished, and the freezer pretty bare . except for sweets and desserts.  He seems quite frail now.  His mind is still very sharp. That’s because he used it all the time managing his affairs and keeping up his correspondance, as well as keeping up with issues.   I made up some sausage and saurkraut with taters for dinner and it seemed to make him happy after weeks of microwave instant dinners.  I also did a little cleaning and washing.  I have a pretty good idea of the routine they had and what he was used to as far as division of household duties.  Pretty traditional.

Mom’s room is in the process of being packed up.  We took some boxes to charites and still much to go.  She bought and hoarded a lot of clothes . . good ones.  What a lot of money thrown away. I offered to take over a few pieces of furniture and some wall hangings and favorite lamps for Mom but Dad insisted that Lynn was doing that and i best not piss her off.  Most people prefer to be comforted by some of their favorite things . . . I wonder why the resistance to doing that for Mom.

I saw Mom yesterday.  She knew me and was very glad to see me.  Happy that I would be around now untill . . .well, as needed.  She asked about ‘the big fella’ and remembered him.

I fear the Big fella is in a bad spot and his family is not happy that I ‘dumped’ him back on the rez without a car.  I am feeling deeply troubled and sad as well.  Darrell was awfull during the ride across country . . in spells . . he never wastes these oppurtunities to chew on me and threaten to take off at some point and so on . . he came close to leaving me in Spokane, over my choice of c.d. . . but i knew he was still detoxing and suggested he buy some weed in Spokane,and that was the magic word.  He was good to me once we got to Standing Rock.  I think it was because he felt it would be farewell, and i too had an ominous feeling he might not survive this bout on the rez.  He bought me some earrings, took me for lunch at the Prarie Dog cafe and gave me traveling money to get to St. Cloud.  leaving himself, without much money and no car. It was hard to leave him at his nephews place and go on . . my teddy bear, he was like my big brother, always pickin on me but always trying to school me. He was many things  and there was no one like him. His personality was so individual, difficult, a delight , a riot, and a terror. He is kind and unkind . Tough, messed up, hero to some,  a troublemaker to others, and always uniquely creative, uniquely un assimilated. A role model for rebels. . he has a real heart, a real soul. he is no half completed person. And for some reason, although it often seemed like he hated me, he loved me

He tried to show me what made up the sum of him, what his Lakota heritage was, what his experience had been . . .and I in turn, helped him share that through art, thelped tell his story, looked after him and enjoyed, despite the arguing, the many many meals filled with teasing.

I felt, when I got in my car and pulled away from running antelope drive that I at finally grown up. And then, I was on my own, negotiating my way out of Standing Rock and the rest of the journey on my own.  .  i realize now that i left with strenghtth that I had gained from them.

 

Tuesday

Dang it.  I lost my phone.  That is a major set back.  The car is not running so hot either.  Everything and everyone is falling apart on me. All my peoples inch by inch leaving me. What have I been desperately trying to do the past few years but  desperately hold on to them. I can’t even hold on to a phone.

Hit up the temp agencies yesterday and have a couple of interviews today.  I will probably be doing pick and pack 2nd shift for now.  There’s plenty to be done at the house. Just keeping it cleaned up and groceries  and meals is a full time job.  Dad has a daily list of tasks he wants to get done.  Digging up the flower garden is one of them and that thing is full of tree roots.  We worked together last night.  I did the heavy spading and Dad followed with a pitch fork straining out the remaining roots.  he fell over.  I feared he had a heart attack . . from trying to do so much for so long.  But it was a temporary fall.  I know his heart has been breaking with the burden of all this.  Just as my mother’s is at being in a nursing home.  She begs to go home to see her things, all the trees from her window, all the things that had meaning to her over the years.

It troubles me greatly to see how the system , especially here, discards people when they do not support the quo.  i was discarded.  it is not fun. And yet all of this . . the comforts, the nice houses is an artificial construct, a false god, an illusion.  A protective illsion that in the end, cannot protect against the heartaches of life and death.  No real courage can be gleaned from worshiping it.

I had to, throughout my life stay in lots of places I did not want to be in.  Most people, by the time they get to old age have aquired some humility and grace to accept reduced power and reduced circumstances.  My mother vocally does not and it is annoying some of the other residents that she has not even bothered to get to know.   My mother thought she was an authority,was catered to and  led to believe she was all powerfull ( as so many women are)  that everything belonged to her, that she could rule and reject people so easily over their imperfections . . . only to find the tables turned, tragically, heartbreakingly and cruelly against her now . She found in reality she had no real power. Now she has nothing.  I think many, many mainstream  white women in america have  a collective mentle illness which amounts to a sense of protective delusion of being all powerfull. It protects them from the inner knowlege that they are totally expendable.  Not terribly unusual or important after all. their power only came from the rewards of sustaining the system . . . it wasn’t real power.   I already know that about myself. That I’m expendable.  people who know this right from the start are better adapted.   My stay in a nursing home will be easy . . if i ever live that long, which i doubt.

It is peacefull at the house. My Dad and I are getting on fine so far. I suspect he will at some point start playing sargent with me but so far , as long as i do not do stupid things or mess up his routine then it’s working out.

Have not heard from Darrell. I heard he is hanging out with the boys in downtown Mc Laughlin.

There is nothing i can do short of go and try to rescue him . . .I don’t even think they have a detox here anymore.  I feel I have traded in my support of him for the support of my father, who has material rewards to offer.  But . . it was something I HAD to do, like it or not . . . I am not,any kind of warrior it seems. But what could i do?  I could not live in Standing Rock . . i wasn’t wanted there.  I could have given him my car i suppose but then I would have been liable for the inevitable drunk driving. Maybe he needs to hit the finality of bottom . . . he too, thought he could do whatever he wanted to people because he was the important one. He could rely on his ability to con, to charm and so on . . . and now it’s run out. But, he will always have himself, the inner richness he has, even on the streets of McLaughlin.

Whatever out surviaval strategies, our ego strategies . . it seems all of us have run out of moves.

(later)

I could, I suppose, sign my car over to Darrell before it coughs and whines out of existance.

Wednesday

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/apr/25/raw-hatred-why-incel-movement-targets-terrorises-women

Just read that article.  It took them this long to see this?? This stuff has been around for a long, long time and it’s much uglier, pervasive than the article touches on.  I used to read the commentaries on Alex Jones years ago just to see what they were thinking . What i was dealing with.   Am still dealing with periodically.  I rarely write about the true extent to which I became targeted in Bellingham, and elsewhere, because it’s such a terrible feeling, and i had to live and work there. And talking about it is seen as a ‘attitude problem’.   But it was much worse than anyone knows.  The gaurdian is just now talking about this?? A little slow on the up take i would say.

Monday 12th May

On my second week here.  i start my evening job tonight but it will be another week, after Friday before a regular pay check comes in.  I did a few days at Coburns bakery in the cake room. There’s a handfull of hardworking women that have worked there for 20 or more years that put out all those highly creative cakes in the stores around here.  It was the beginning of fishing season so we made some specialty cupcakes  wit6h blue icing and little plastic bobbers on the top.  Welcome back to Minnesota!! We did a ton of other theme based cupcakes as well for future holidays. The fourth of July cupcakes had red white and blue sprinklies and a little candy medallion with a a flad printed on it in edible food ink.  One cupcake, celebrating summer had little plastic sandles and an umbrella on top.  and of course there were all the Mother’s day cupcakes. Some of the cupcakes were esentially spray painted in flourescent swirls of bright color.  All edibel of course.

One lady who has the creative license to decorate cakes in what ever theme moves her was coming up with astonishing wonders .  I especially like the watermelon cake.  What a job .  it’s esentially painting.  She’s a painter.  An artist in frostings. Sugary frostings . It’s esentially a product that’s pure white sugar with no nutritional value . . and that is her medium.  Toxic whiteness.  ( It’s a joke)   . We women have always used whatever medium we are given to express our creativity, our love of color and design, we are and have always been artists . . in weaving, tapestry, clothes design . . .cakes. What ever we are given.   And if toxic whiteness is the medium . . we find a way to make art of it. Turn it into something beautiful.

Now, I settle into an evening job making optical lenses.  I’m going to miss the cake room but must do something that allows me time during the day to attend to my parents .  I finished digging out the roots in the flower bed. Dad and i getting on  O.K. but he is a person very regemented in his routines and does not like any mistakes, forgetfullness or deviation.  Already I’ve forgotten to lock the door once or twice and left the oven on.  Sooner or later there will be a lashing out . . there always is but for now the peace and quiet here is restorative.  I sleep soundly and alot.  I think Ive been sleep disrupted for a long, long time and did not fully realize how exhausted i was the past two years.  Dad too, has been exhausted for a long, long time.

I got a message on f.b from Darrell . . .just a link to an article about some product that hot on the wieght loss scene.  That’s it.  Reminding me that i am too fat.  I was ticked off.  Wondering why i would even be around some one who was so addicted to insult.  Now that I’m away from it i can see it more clearly. But i suppose there are so many like that it became almost normal.

I did do up some of his recent art work but cannot find any envelope so far for the cards.  i will send it off to him.  I got  a call the other night . . send money.  Come visit. Get an apartment for us. Im not sure what I’m going to be doing right now.

Mom has her up days and rebellion days when she tries to escape, gets angry with her family for locking her up and expresses a lot of grief over having no personal power and the loss of everthing that was important to her. My family has given me instructions to do as they say regarding her . . not to encourage her to think about anything outside the walls of the nursing home, not even take her for a drive.

I have alot to deal with in my heart right now.

Saturday May 18

It is very warm and absolutely georgeous out now.  All the Lilacs are out, the apple trees and hawthorn trees bursting in color . . it’s spring twice. Once in WA with all it’s plum trees, tulips, rhoddendrones, dogwood, magnolias and here, with all the leafy trees,lilacs and sultry pre thunderstorm weather. My heart is made happy at the prospect of being able to spend a whole summer in my once beloved Minnesota . . . a whole summer ion the Midwest. Renting canoes, doing some fishing, swimming in lakes, hanging out at the quarries, visiting the awesome library, taking the rail down to Minneapolis on weekends if I want.  Minnesota is the best place in the summer.

Darrell got hit by lightening.  it blew out the windows of his car while he was sitting in it watching all the power and majesty of a storm across the plains of Standing Rock.

He survived.  He’s been staying with relatives and staying sober, doing art.

 

Doesn’t getting zapped by lightening sound like the right kind of death for him though??  I mean it’s so . . extraordinary and powerfull . . not slow coughing and pooping from some disease but an all powerfull, quick ,spectacular  zap.  I guess the creator decided to spare this one.  it wasn’t his time yet.  But it’s like . . you want to see power . . zap, flash. car bursts.  How’s that.  Now THAT’s power..

Me. I’, m content with rain and lilacs.  I find myself happy . . as long as I do not think about how i was a political hit and all i went through over the years and how it will never, ever come out but be forgotten, because the media decided case closed.  As if it ever were a case, which means a fair trial, facts, not a witch hunt and hate fest orchestrated by media controlled ‘court of public opinion’. We all fade away . . for me, my destiny in the end is to be alone, forgotten, unloved. AS it is for many of us.   But I still have, for now, the smell of fresh midwestern soil, the hot sultry sunny days I’ve missed, and peace . . .peace, at last.

Tuesday 23

So much for peace.  Big time money and rent issues. Darrell wanting me to help him but no time, no resources.

I got so many people demanding payments  i don’t know what to do . . . the last couple of years i did so much to try to help people and look at whats happening to me.  I’, still demonized.  STILL criminalized.  STILL put down and socially abused.  I exhausted myself trying to meet others demands . . as i have for years . . and i put myself in debt.  i tried to fudge here and there to meet these demands . . not reporting income so that i had enough damn money to pacify the SpottedHorses . . . no use.  Darrell drained methis winter . . . and now the family is still asking me to rescue him in some way. Meanwhile everyone is punishing me for the non reported income . . landlord, social security . . . I made a small payment agreement with them so maybe i can get some benefits back.  Maybe. Now the tenents back at my WA apartment are texting me to prove Im still alive and threatening to call the police because they are ‘worried’.  I had to take care of that pronto .  if they had reported me missing and expressed what they saw about my relationship with Darrell  I’d be in a lot of trouble.  Not that the police particularly care.  Thayve always known and turned a blind eye but a police report from a ‘concerned neighbor’ . . .they can’t ignor that. The housing authority would be up in arms for my ‘violation of the rules’ in helping out Darrell.  Id be evicted.  I probably6 will be anyway . . there’s no point in fighting any more.

Dad spends a quite a lot on the things needed for his home projects, like flowers and so on.  Im not getting any more payment for my work any more . . just wages.  Too little, too late. somehow i must come up with the dough to pay my landlord in Bellingham immediatly.

Thursday

They sure don’t pay shit through manpower.  I’ll have to look for a real job.  I’m starting to know some of the gals at work.  Made a casual friend with a tex-mex lady. I guess the 24 hour taco joint on 25th is where peeps hang out after work.

Made a payment arrangement with the land lord. Also found some one bedrooms across the street that are only 400, plus deposit.  Im supposed to look at some rooms for rent today but too tired and Dad has a funeral he needs driving to. Im O.K> just staying here . . .it drives me nuts but it’s needed, and it does me some good just to have the space to sleep well and restore.  if i could just stay here the summer I could catch up on all my payments i think.  I mentioned to Dad that i might take a one day trip . . meaning Standing Rock.  He didn’t say anything but i could see he was furious.  He won’t tolerate Darrell in any shape or form.  Considering all the stuff that Darrell pulled that indirectly affected him can I blame him?? But this is a huge problem for me.  It could be a catylist, as i predicted over a year ago for a open visable conflict.  and there are people, antifa people and others just itching for one here. . if not actually setting it up.  And of course, no matter what decision i make, i will be blamed by all sides.   I might just go back to WA to avoid this . . . but then, that will mean abandoning my folks in their hour of need.  I think they are my priority.  Darrell did not birth me or raise me or buy me little dresses, or bail me out of troubles.

 

(Later)

Who the hell is Tomi Lahren? A conservative commentator i guess.  I’ve never heard of her but apparently enough people have to fill the commentaries with vitrol in support of some one who threw water on her at the Union rooftop in Minneapolis where she was attending some sort of hip hop brunch.  A hip hop brunch? At the Union? What the heck??? The Union, as i remember is a pretty high class place . . strange place to hold a hip hop brunch I think.  And brunch is such a middle class thing . . I don’t know, it just sounds funny.  And what the hell was she doing there if she was as ‘racist’ and neoNazi as the commentators are claiming. . . it almost looks deliberate.Like a set up, knowing what was likely to occur.   Why not perkins or something.

I’ve been away from MN for a long time so Im not UP on the political scene . . . . but people DO act out hate in Minneapolis. Don’t know how that compares to other areas but . . . I remember when i was visiting Minnesota  back in 2000 I was walking down the street in downtown Minneapolis and some one dumped some bricks and stuff out an upper window missing me by inches.  That was my clue to the intensity.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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April 2018

13 04 2018

Spring is finally breaking. Trees leafing at last in translucent green. Weeping willows and yellow forsyth dot a landscape filled with pinks and white blossoms.

 

It takes a very dedicated depressive NOT to feel a quickening of spirit and joy.  Darrell takes the car out most mornins . . which doesn’t bother me now since it leaves me time to crawl into cognition at my own pace.  Time to piddle around  here and there at will around the house, crank up some classical music, do yoga, what ever.  I have dished out a chunk of dough since the last pay day on printing up his art, also bought him a much needed pair of glasses.  He has been prolific, leafing in a new direction in translucent greens.

It is good to see him active and happy again.  The pouty part of me is always feeling financially taken advantage of, but the better side of me cheers to see my efforts to help him empower himself bringing something good into being.  When he has his art to sell he is esentially  going into business, doing what he does best . . sell his personality, so he is out making friends and contacts and he has his own money to use as he wants. The people who buy his art get something they want.  Darrell is busy and is getting the licks of positive recognition for positive things, and I get to cut my toenails and put on a pot of berbere chicken in peace.  It’s been a formula that was a powerhouse and worked well for us  in the past . . when we put our heads together this way  we are . . astounding.  Not charecters in adversity, or some Jerry Springer drama . . . We are strong and unusual people with a solid understanding and teamwork again.

Darrell is doing a series of very funny cartoons featuring the bond of horse and Indian.  It is hysterically funny. 

Me, I have some hats ready to go to market as soon as the weather gets sunny.

Mom is adjusting to the nursing home now.  She seems cheeerful when she is visited and says she is cared for and the people are very nice.  Dad reluctantly admits she seems happier.  That is  this HUGE dark weight off my shoulders that been weighing me down for a number of years now.  It is done. And it seems to be for the best.  Dad complains a little that he doesn’t quite know what to do with himself now.  Mom is getting lots and lots of attention and care now.  They have a large aviary where she’s at and she likes to watch the birds.

In a strange twist of  story . . . Kate came home from New York to help Dad pack and sort through some of Mom’s stuff.  Mom had alot of clothes, good clothes.  Darrell’s aunt in St. Cloud came and picked them up  and will give them to Olena in Standing Rock in May.  So even Mom’s precious clothes, the things she fussed over to maddening lenghths go to Standing Rock in the end.  The elderly women may be wearing her very MN sweatshirts with the cute embrodery on the front , hearth and home themes, or MN moose and stuff.  I was the one that told Lavonne to go pick up the boxes . . .it was either that or the good will, so what the heck, perhaps it will be a good thing.  So Darrell’s relatives meet mine at last . . . Kate and Fred from New York presiding. After all the stuff that began in 99 . . all the antifa stuff recently . . it ends with an exchange of home and hearth sweatshirts with dainty collars going to Standing Rock .  How oddly thing turn out.   Sorry about that George Soros . . . .all kinds of people of all kinds of diverse backgrounds and political views  find ways to get along and work together when they are allowed to.

 

4-30

We take off at midnight in my car.  I don’t trust that car.  3 times i caught Darrell taking it along red river road . . an obstacle course in deep potholes . . and i think it was really fucking up my car. It really upset me that he wouldn’t listen to my wishes.   This journey may finish it. My short lived love affair with having a car.   We have quit the drinking .  We spent a lot of time kicking around our options . . i have a train ticket and deep down inside i wish i could use it.  I am both dreading tyhe thought of traveling once again with an onery and detoxing Darrell , and joy at the burst of beauty in the land ahead, the warm air . . the freedom from work.  I was feeling terrible about quiting my jobs so abruptly when i both needed them and liked them. But Dad caught me at precisely that vulnerable moment when i was feeling like just running.   He said he needed me.  Wether he does or not . . I DO need to see my Mom before she no longer knows me.   Perhaps Dad and i will get on O>K> now that Mom is not presuring him every moment for me ( or nayone else ) to leave.   I hated to confront Dad with instability and uncertianty too.  But i negotiated ‘hardship’ rent adjustment and my rent is pitence this month. . a miracle!!! A life saver. I can keep my apartment for emergency while i scout things out.     I do not have to feel that overwhelming dread at being homless with no reliable source of income in St. Cloud.  I can sleep in the car and work in St. cloud ( if the car makes it) and that relieves me from all the emotions tied to being asked to leave all the time . . . I can do what i want.

I also re applied for social security, reporting no income and that may allow me to get my benifits back.  If so,  this time I will not feel the need to work to ‘be’ somebody, to have extra money . . it all got taken from me when i did,  I’ll just sit back on my ass and do my crafts.  It would be heaven just to have my place to myself in Bellingham for an extended period of time again like i did when Darrell had his own place   . . . . I can be quite happy when i live alone.  But Darrell will be back . . . unless something really changes.

 

 

 





March 2018

4 03 2018

March 3

A little down time out here in Lynden.  Iam still sick , my cough worse and very tired.  28828151_10216566906904920_1291787143841981306_o I enjoyed myself this morning going through patterns and cutting them out for future projects.  Thats the highlight. Overnight when I finish here.

 

March 19

  

I made a little apron for my Mother this week,and was set to send it to her.  then, I hear from my father that a family meeting was set for Monday to deal with Mom’s increasingly regressive tioleting habits.  I had hoped the apron would cheer her up . . just knowing that someone was thinking about her , enough to do up a project for her but it is too late it seems.  I feel so bad for her.  Had she been less isolated , had my father taken nessesary steps earlier it need not have come to this.  I guess she has been refusing to wear her colostomy bag.

I did, when i heard what was going on, make a report to the state and if action is not taken THEY certianly will intervene.  I too should have done this sooner. . . but calling the state on one’s own family is no small thing.  But this will put the presuure on my St. Cloud  family to get moving . . instead of just pretending to look at nursing homes and whining about the costs.  yes, it is expensive . . . . I had tried to get my Dad to get home care as an alternative but he was resistant to this and used Moms territorialness as an excuse to refuse this . . saying it would never be accepted.  I also suggested selling the house and renting  or even renting out the house rather than selling it.  My thinking is that my Dad was secretly hoping my Mom would die before nursing home became the only alternative, so he could hold on to the house and not have to pay out for moms nursing care. .  I think she probably knew this deep down inside.  he could have gotten help if he had wanted . . .now he HAS to foot the huge expense of nursing care because he’s had it, he has no plan set up to bring in extra revenue or bring down his expenses . . like moving to an apartment or renting out the house.  Renting out the house would generate enough to cover much of the nursing care.   The funny thing is . . they live in the most resource rich area for seniors Ive ever been around . . a senior center around the corner, never utilized once . . when socialization would have helped my mother sooo much.  A mentle health clinic just down the block.

There are poor people here and elsewhere that dont have these resources,  that have to make tough decisions as they age, move in with kin, move into subsidized housing wether they like it or not. . they have the wits to arrange these things, I HAVE the wits to make do with less.  They have a fraction of the resources available to my folks.       There was no reason for my folks to have desended into such ‘helplessness’ . . as my Dad constantly expressed it.  Over and over my sisters and i pointed out resources and solutions . . . but it was up to him to make the desisions, they can’t do it for him.

 

Over and over i tried to tell my father that moms behaviors might be a way of expressing resentment for being so emotionally isolated  ( sort of like mine has been up here) . . she felt abandoned. I felt that despite everything my Dad did for my Mom, that she WAS emotionally abandoned . .he made no effort to cut her nails, or have her hair cut even though i repeatedly told him how important hair appointments  are  to an elderly woman.  No effort to take her to the senior center.  My St. Cloud family hardly ever came to see her.  I made frequent trips from the West Coast . . and , i returned so emotionally wounded and screwed up each time  it wasn’t funny.  My doing caretaking for them in their final years at the house should have been the natural and best solution for all of us.  it would have helped me. it would have helped them.  But disturbing patterns that go back to childhood could not be abandoned and over and over i was requested, then when I was there, told to leave.  What a sad ending.  I feel for Mom. I feel for my Dad too but he HAS HAD the pwer all along to aleviate his situation.  ALL he had to do was quit the helplessness performance . .untill he actually was helpless,  which is what he has always used to avoid things, esopecially the emotional needs of others.

I know I am sounded harsh on my father but i have to remember that they abandoned me to poverty in Minneapolis when I was so fragmented after my trip to newport to meet Eddy ( the pivotal decision that began a fatefull course)  .  They never tried to get me social security back then. pay for an apartment. help me with rent when i had bouts of instability. And i certinaly felt very abandoned.   Then I got thrown out of the family when mischief  arising in Minneapolis caught the public attention.

There’s been a recent re examination of the mischief as i term it . . and of course, it veers so far from the actual progession of events that i have given up all hope of ever setting it straight.  But you can’t tell people around here that.  Ive pretty much given up on that too and resigned myself to a menu of unending daily social abuse, even at work, that always insists that I am in denial about ‘what I did’ . . . and that all the bad stuff that was said was ‘all true’.  They even laugh about how i will be in denial to the day i die.  Like they were righteoyus and pure , admirable agents of confrontaion therapy or something .perfect people.   . like all that was ‘THE TRUTH’  instead of the visious hatred that it was, mostly for the joy of it.

I tell you, I get tired of finding lipstick, panties, sunglasses, soiled tampons left for me to find like some kind marker in my car, at Darrell’s old apartment, all kinds of come ons on the internet . . . . not to mention all kinds of tee pee creaping, all kinds of women throwing themselves at Darrell right in front of me . . even when i first came here . . and then being stoned in some kind of collective ‘shaming’  . . . .I wish they could see themselves through my eyes.  But they never will believe a word i say so i don’t even respond anymore when i hear all that ‘vendetta’ talk, all the ‘vigilante’ talk still  being re hashed.  I guess Darrell is being hailed as a vigilante these days . . . all the guys still saying how is is their hero for taking care of ‘the problem’ the way he has . . when actually, it was nothing but exploitation.  But if I am cast as ‘the enimy’ or worse, a supremicist ( only really stupid people can really believe that) then it’s all a fine and noble thing  instead of what it really was.  Ive seen this and known where it was going and why right from the very start . . in Madison days.

 

I did make some sarcastic  joke to Darrell about this the other day.  I pointed out that  dumb people who have swallowed the leftist  line without insight throw around these terms pretty loosely.

A white supremicist  promotes their own race as they see it. and they advocate violence and group protection . . like any gang, if one of their own is messed with. Scare tactics . . like all gangs.  A white supremicist would never let themselves be subjegated ‘for the good of the many’ or put themselves out on a limb to help other people outside their own group. They don’t engage in race mixing, or friendships outside of their own group. and if mess with them . .they will hurt you.

If i had been a white supremicist there would have been retaliation against what happened to me to 99.  It wouldn’t have gotten off the ground.  Racheal Maddow would not have lived too long after her personal attacks on the air back in about 2007.  MSNBC took it that far because ‘they could’ to qoute her . . which means they did not fear any action from me.

The things that have happened to me over the years happened because i had no back up of any kind, no way of defending myself.  Not even legally.  That’s the bottom line.  I had no backup of any kind.

Certianly not the backing of any supremicists who have really, really despised me over the years. Or family.  Or old friends for that matter.  Only Darrell, who periodically has put a halt to things when they got out of controll ( usually after setting fires himself when drunk)

Darrell had my support as an artist when he moved here.  i spent a lot of time and resources promoting him as an artist . . that is not the hallmark of a supremicist.

But Im barking about fools . Barking about the obvious if people only used their brains a little.  Darrell agrees with me.  But we both know it served a political purpose to have people thinking the way they do . Also, there has been some serious research going on this year into the deep state . . .like Robert Steele and others, many of whom have been censored recently.

I’ve been following it, but rarely commenting on it.  But anyone keeping tabs on my intellectual menu knows what ive been discovering.   When things start getting too close to the truth there is always some kind of propaganda effort . . Im far from stupid, and even Dana admitted that i was way way ahead of most people in my understanding and dissidence. Although now, she is singing a very different tune.

 

March 20

Got a follow up call from Stearns County re parents.  I told them i would like to see manditory home care provided untill a nursing home is arranged. Dad,  Lynn and Brian signed the papers yesterday and the memory care unit said they will try to put a rush job on it but first a nurse has to come abnd access the situation and so on and that will take some time . . some one needs to be there now, which is why i made the call.  Kate is supporting me 100 percent . . but Lynn and Brian will be outraged and unforgiving at any suggestion that they have not fully stepped up to the plate the past few years . . and they will let me know it big time.  Even Darrell could see it  when he visited, that they both really needed help . . that they were eatting shitty food.  And if Darrell knows it, and his aunt in St. Cloud could see it too,  it means his entire tribe knows it.  they dont do things that way in his tribe . . . it unimaginable NOT to look aftetr elders, to help out family.   It sours the outlook  on white people in my region further, no matter how well they may think of themselves.   Where were the meals that should have been brought over on a regular basis? I tried to pay for meals on wheels for a while . .  . both my sisters have a lot more money than me, why didnt they chip in?

March 22

Almost done with community service. Yeah!!

I guess I am in hot water again and being cast as a mean person because i got pissed off at Darrell and a lady friend of his that he brought over Sunday before last. Sunday is the one day that i have requested quiet time. I work 1 to 10 on Fridays. 1 t0 10 again on Saturdays and then straight to my overnight shift from 11 30 to 730 a.m.  Im exhausted by Sunday morning and if i don’t get my sleep I will be messed up for my Sunday night overnight . . at my age, I could have a heart attack, and certianly I have had asthma episodes springing from stress, exhaustion. Im being very generous by letting Darrell stay at my place, letting him use my car to visit his casino and lady friend regularly . . . and it uses quite a bit of gas. I don’t get much house work help in return . The place is getting cluttered and always smells of cigarettes in the bedroom or weed. I dont smoke weed. All of Darrell’s money goes to weed.  Of course i recognize that my boundaries are being destroyed, with the support of many people, I am being ridiculed for being so stupid as to allow this to happen and increasingly hated (again) if I push back or react. His bringing his lady friend over and making a racket was a line too far for me that Sunday and I came out and said so.  Of course,  I am being cast as the mean bad guy now.  I gues Darrell’s lady friend has decided never to talk to me again . . she felt I was being unkind.  But there i was in the back room . . sleep interrupted after two hours while they laugh and talk loudly like they are taking over my house . . and Im exhausted from being the one that has to provide.

I knew this cycle would start up again . . 0n the streets, out on the rez and elsewhere . . it’s been going on for 15 years.   If I push back or ask Darrell to leave then there is hatred and rage,  there is any way.  Over and over again i was held responsible for Darrell’s being on the streets years ago, over and over Darrell would this run this crap about how i was ‘running around’ while he was suffering out in the cold . . yet, i was always bringing sandwhiches, sleeping bags, fishing him over to my place on the sly to dry out even though i was being threatened by housing all the time.  Over and over again a narrative was created by Darrell when he went home to S.D or was hanging out with the drunks about his victimization . . and over and over there were plans laid for retaliation.

I have been very generous the time around. I take it easy on him . . except when he runs up porn bills . . or in this case, brings someone over when I desperately need a few hours of sleep.

Of course, his lady friend is angry with me.  She feels unjustly treated.  But she was,flaunting her relationship with Spottedhorse  . . reminding me that Darrell ‘treated me like shit’ in contrast to how nice he always was to her. Even the car dealer could see it and found it paculiar that i was allowing it.   Now, the story goes, I can see why Spotted horse is that way.  I didn’t call her any names.  I didn’t even direct my anger at her . . only at Darrell because he knew better.

If the situation had been reversed a lot of women would have done violence, engaged in a lot of name calling.  I just told them to leave because it was my Sunday sleep time. i didn’t threaten her . . or Darrell.  Just told them to clear out.  I was in the right too.

Yup.  Im the bitch.  I knew it would go this way . . it’s been the deadly pattern for years and years up here.  I went to the store frequented by the homeless crowd, I was the ‘mean one’.

so mean.

 

Pay day . . . went through a half tank of gas already.

Trump has happily appointed John Bolton????  THAT guy??  Looks pretty clear to me that all the old Neo Cons are moving back into place . . Trump never was what his supporters thought he was.

He’s not in controll. he’s been marganalized.   The Zio Cons are . . and that means we are headed for a war with Iran.  We only would have gotten there sooner under Hillary.   Scary.  The cradle of civilization ended up looking like the end of civilization by the time the zio cons finished with Iraq. What will be of Persia?  Ancient Persia wasn’t such a bad place to live.  Better than Assyria and things that followed.

Can’t help but speculate sometimes if all this modern stuff isn’t really old, old stuff.  Revenge for the Babalonian captivity and all that.

Wed

I seem to be making some GOOD choices this week. I printed up cards and prints of Darrell’s last cartoon and it’s a hit. Feels good to see him Re energized. Out there selling and connecting and taking orders. I have not seen him so happy in a long while.  I missed this.  We still got the old team work. Dr

Friday

It seems my instincts were right, regarding my mother.  Stearns county did contact my parents and my sister and brother in law. Don’t know if they contacted Kate.  But they decided not to do anything.  That’s St. Cloud for you.  a good old boy town.  Status Qou [protects Status Quo.  Don’t reveal secrets of family ‘troubles’ or rock the boat.     Quite frankly i don’t think it says much for social services there.   Lynn wrote me a furious letter insisting they were on the ball with care and how dare I sabotage and interfere and imply that the level of care wasn’t what it should be.

Then my mother had a huge accident in her bathroom, feces everywhere.  My Dad, being 90 and legally blind stated he was too tired to clean it up and let it go untill morning.  They got up and had breakfast that morning, the feces still all over the bathroom my mother uses, then she had another accident and left a trail from the kitchen to the bathroom where she slipped on the previous nights accumulation of poop and fell.  Emergency had to be called . . and apparently, there was poop everywhere. All over her.    They said they would transfer her from the emergency room to nursing care. She won’t be going home.  At least there is no more denying the immediacy of the situation.  Dad said he was ‘waiting’ for a disaster to happen and that he didn’t much care where she went.  I guess Mom was really mean and angry at everyone in the emergency room. Can you blame her??

A lot of underlying cruelty in our family.  The whole poop thing is such an apt metiphor.

This is an appalling situation. Actually, it always was.    Who was abusing whom??  Is everyone somewhat at fault.  Had social services actually taken the immediate action they needed to . . instead of accepting that everything was ‘fine’, Mom need not have fallen on shit that should not have been left there throughout breakfast   (how can anyone eat breakfast with a bathroom full of crap)  Surely my Dad could have predicted that she would head to the uncleaned bathroom???   .  My instincts were right after all. Im glad I at least tried to intervene and protect her.  Get her some immediate care.  I too,   have been lapsed in the past,   did my share of self neglect and acting out and anger in the past.  I too could have called social services when i first suspected neglect, back when she had so many falls, injuries, unaddressed dietary concerns. Been there during major surgeries.  Also, it IS neglectfull of my father to have let that happen . . .it been neglectfull for a long time no matter how much they insist that they were doing so much.  Everything but get home care a couple of years ago.  Everything but accept my offers of free assistance . . .leaving the west coast 3 times last year to move there and be on hand to help. Mom need not have deteriorated so badly . . all alone with her colostomy bag after years of sacrificing her life to us, could not even get a dog or a hair appointment.

I can understand why my Dad is fed up and doesn’t care anymore.  Years of cleaning up after Mom when as a retired military man he could have traveled anywhere in the world for free before he lost his strenghth and sight.  But then, he had a choice.

I find myself most angry at the corrupt and money hungry  medical establishment there.  Screwed with us right from the start.  i was a breach footling.  They lost a heartbeat on me . . and Mom for 5 minutes. Knowing this before she delivered ,did they do a ceasarian??  No.  They were ‘experimenting’ to see if they could do it vaginally.  it sounds like tourture. Like mengela stuff.  so her insides were a mess . And she resented me all my life for the appalling pain she had had to endure birthing me.   After the death of my infant brother ( blue baby) she was advised to have a hysterectomy.  Was it nessesary??  No.  But there’s money to be made from it and lots of women were being advised to have hysterectomies.  it caused her a long bout of depression, sense of worthlessness, increased obesity .Then her insides were a mess and she developed all kinds of problems that eventually required extreme surgery to remove her intestines and put in a clostomy.  So much pain involved there. Where was the nutritional counseling?? They ate boxed foods  for a long long time.  again, the establishment making a buck while they nutritionally starved. This nutritional starvation caused her falls and multiple accidents before it was straightened out. broken collar bones. She made accusations against my father and I had my suspicions of abuse but no way to prove it. I was troubled, and tried to make frequent trips home to fill up the freezer with food and home made soups.   In the end, when she became helpless, they were locked into a sinking ship together.  Unwilling to change habits and patterns, and then they even started shooing Kate and i away when we tried to step up the intervention process.  Calling me home to MN and then kicking me out  was an old pattern and last year it took on a hidden cruelty that really messed up my mind.  And then my Dad would laugh and laugh.  then i heard that the dentists wanted to do extensive and expensive work on her teeth . . . why?? She was dying for christ’s sake.  Again . . . that buck to be made off of older people, and who cares if it takes all there savings . . . if insisting on the most expensive nursing home  which takes everything from Dad after trying so hard to keep indeopendent, who cares if it takes every last drop of sanity of life blood.

4-7

My client in Lynden is acting up tonight and i cannot get her to do anything.  So discouraging.  Down. Maybe Im just no longer up to this.

Talked to Mom a few times since she went into nursing care. She was very distraught and it was heartbreaking.  But she sounds a lot more cognizant.

I don’t know what to do any more.  Everything i try to do seems to fail. Nothing works out or goes right.  I think Ive lost it. Given up fighting for self.  Given up hope.  Even Kate is not responding to my emails.

I spent a chunk of dough doing up some prints and cards of Darrell’s last cartoon.  It’s good to see him on a creative surge finally.  He bought some wood burning tools and i bought some wood.  He, at least, is thriving.

He talks about us going to St. Cloud.  It sounds like a nightmare of unhappiness and alienation for me.

I criticised everyone sio much . .and now Im the one who feels helpless and unable to see a clear path forward in any direction.  I want to be near my Mom . . but i cant come to St. Cloud without Darrell following.  I want so bad to live alone.

If I don’t go to St.Cloud I will remember all her distraught pleadings for me to help her . . and i will not see her again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





February 2018

3 02 2018

February 2 2018

I had a great day today with Challen and Abba. It was fun and Abba and i chatted it up for hours.  I haven’t had a really fun day for a while.  I really like Abba and hope we become friends.  We drove away the hours sharing pictures of our art lives.

I really snapped on Darrell yesterday.  i became dragon lady.  Tiger lady.  I am an easy going personality but when something gets my Irish temper up . . . I do not care about consequences, I snap.  I had just gone to social security and been told my attempts at reconsideration (even a doctors letter) had failed for march because i was 100 dollars over the max i could make.  it had been a tough week.  I got two letters stating that I waa due for suspension of my drivers license because i had failed on recent payments so I had had to go and negotiated that and kick out a shitload of money i didnt have because i w3as trying to keep my wages  below the ceiling for reinstating social security.  The words ‘suspension’ triggered me into a swearing episode and screaming episode at the air you would not have wanted to hear.  Then at Brookdale, they changed my schedual and tried to rope me into a janitorial midnight slot instead of the floor . . and that is a in my mind a huge insult. and stupdity on their part because they are kicking out a lot of money to train me in the med thing.  What the motive behind this was i don’t know . . .it was a diminishment, that much is for sure ., and i refused and carried the rage silently . . until i tried to pay my cable bill and found 100 dollars of porn on it. they said the last  movie rented was on the 27th.   I snapped.  I told darrell to get the fuck out. After hecleared out . . .I called the cable company again and found they had given me misinformation.  so i spent the day looking for him, scouring the streets.  Eventually i found him . . . with the boys. took him home.  But i am the orge again for turning dragon lady.

Today . . . I really had a good day.  I aughed a lot and talked a lot and it was good after so much negativity.

Im thinking that perhaps that journal entry about the vibrator comcercail angered a lot a lot of women.  In truth,  i wondered at the time if it were some kind of joke.  And perhaps it was.  Or perhaps it was a response to all the recent allegations . Always beware of commercial that only play once.

Well there has been another train accident in Virginia.  Looks to me like a faile coup.  or a serious assasination attempt.

Feb 4

Darrell and I had a nice time at the casino this after noon.  We were going through a lot of friction over issues. he’s drinking now  . . and perhaps I am somewhat to blame for that . . .I shouldn’t have been snapping at him like that . . .I feel really guilty and wonder what the hell is wrong with me . I guess my only excuse is that I was struggling with figuring out to pay for everything and I felt taken advangae of.  id been stuffing it for 2 months as I struggled through set back after setback.   I felt crowded out of my own bedroom , and the porn issue just pushes the wrong buttons in a ferocious way. . really makes me feel disrespected after all I was doing for Darrell.  But I could have held a rational discussion instead of attacking and confusing and hurting him.  Maybe, no matter how hard I try to be the best person I can be, there’s just this other personality that’s an asshole.

At any rate. I took the night off of work last night to be on hand for Darrell.  he came in late, bombed, with beer in his back pack.  My way of dealing with it this morning was to try to initiate another activity he really liked . . . so I took him to the Casino.  he was winning too.  After hours of up and downs he walked away with 60 bucks.  Then he gave me 100  for bills and a large polished granite heart that must have cost him 35 dollars or more.  it made me ashamed for my focus on money and bills and all that.

I really don’t want to see him gravitating to the streets. it seems to be what hes doing now, and has no intention of stopping drinking ‘after what I did’.  That creates a problem if I don’t want my place to be his drinking crash pad.  An incident will be sure to happen . . and I just can’t go through all this stuff again.  So I may have no choice but to let him go . . knowing that he will rapidly become ill out there and catch pneumonia . . . the weather is warming up a bit so perhaps he could just take a sleeping bag if he plans to go on a run . . and come back when he is ready to straighten up.

 

Feb 10

I did not accept the janitorial shift and was offered two evening float shifts instead.  which is good.  Sometimes you just have to stick up for yourself. Now, if i could just apply that successfully to my personal life.  Working on doing my modules . . seems like i just can’t catch up.  Today is pay day but it won’t be enough.  In deep shit.  Really feel like they are closing in for the kill this time and I am facing ruin.  I told Dad about some of my problems right now but no response . . he sent some kind of humerous thing about growing old . . . .I guess he figures its the result of a series of poor choices and so i’ deserve’ it .    Except that running to MN to help him with HIS problems was one of those poor choices that got me in this hole.  Guess he really doesn’t care much what people do to his daughter or what happens to her.,at least that’s the perception.  That he let anybody do anything to his daughter which was an advertisement to preditors and enimies that I was a sitting duck.  Is it murder by proxy i wonder.

Robert Steele is saying in his recent interview that 7 sources have confirmed to him that the missle attack in Hawwaii was no false alarm ( there is no button, impossible to make a mistake) but an intercepted missle and not from North Korea.  probably the same people that did 9-11.  there’s going to be hell to pay if what i think has been happening is really happening and people become aware of it. Im starting to see it now.

I think the mainstream will be giving more air time to interviews with ‘right wing’ extremists so to speak who are really beyond the pale . . mixing in facual stuff with things like holocaust denial and crap so that the whole bundle of ideas is immediatly rejected as ‘right wing’ when in fact, it’s neither right or left . . .

 

Saturday Feb 10

A few minutes. Darrell has straightened up for 4 or 5 days now. I got him a walker and a a good rain jacket so he doesn’t get soaked.  Things going better. He keeps winning at the casino . . .so much for delayed gratification, the work ethic and its just rewards. The Lakota really know how to dance around that and turn it on its head . . .makes the plodding rest of us look retarded. I guess you got to pick one path or approach or the other and stick to it . . people like me, a little bit of both, noncommitted to either the slick side or the plodding straight and narrow just get creamed by both sides.

 

Wednesday

Darrell has been down with twist in his back and neck and a lot of pain.  Better today so i sent him off with the car . . which always cheers him up.  It’s been a bad couple of days all around.

I think Im getting the idea what the source is.

Today is Valentine’s day.  I spent the morning catching up on the Versace series which sent me down memory lane to Minneapolis around 1997 around the time when cunnan was there.  I was at Mission lodge.  There was a fellow there called C.B . . i wont mention his name because i dont know what his sexual identity or life position is right now. At the time he was a gay, artistic black man who painted shirts of his own design . . often with themes about racism but not exculsively, it depended on what inspried him.  He worshipped Versace . . who literally, told a story in his clothing linelike CW was trying to do.    I remember talking at lenghth with CB about the assasination of Versace .      Several months later when id begun to see Darrell i ran into C>W at the clinic a block away from my house.  He had a half bottle of vodka with him so i invited him over and we polished it off.  he filled me in on all the details of his torrid love affair with DelMar, a Lakota man.  How they had fought and how Delmar had brought him flowers.  We we starting to zone out a little( in opposite chairs) by the time darrell came home.  C>W said he was too tipsy to walk home and could he crash on the flooor  for a while. Darrell and I  agreed and went to bed. later , C.W  went home.

later on Darrell would persistantly weave this into a story of betrayal and heartbreak that justified his campaign od rage and revenge.  He would tell everyone in Bellingham how he came home to find us having sex . . a ‘cheating’ story . . even though he know it wasn’t true.  Ive spent 15 years taking on all kinds of social scorn and ridicule and crap over this . it became established as ‘truth’ .  In fact, ive just been going through a resurgance of this ridicule.   Sometimes It got really scary, really ugly.  That is why i protected myself from involvement with people who might fuel Darrells re occuring obsessions.  he became obsessed with Dana about a year ago and I cautioned her from coming over  . . simply to protect myself, seeing how far rumor goes in this town and how Darrell has started crap in the past . . 15 years of it I’ve experienced.  Dana vehemently ended our friendship  and labeled me a racist along with ‘homey’ as she calls Darrell.  In a reconcilliatory mood this morning , I sent out Valentines day bouquets , including Dana, on facebook .  Immediately I got an unforgiving and hostile message back  from her .  a fuck off message. A shit on your roses message, reminding me that Darrell and i were’known’ racists.   Hmmmm . . whatever, but who is the one with all the unrelenting hate????

I was protecting myself when i asked her not to come over while Darrell was acting funny.  That’s all that was behind it.  i don’t care who she befriends or hangs with.  Im not dealing with a reasonable environment.  so I have to deal with unreason the best i can.

At any rate, watching the Versace story, with its chapter in the gay lifestyle of Minneapolis around 1997 which i was quite familier with, and remember ing how just being firendly with Charlie got me in a world of endless trouble that mushroomed . . . brought back the reality.  Not leftist politics or ideation. The Reality.  You see, i do know a thing or two and Im far from ignorant . . or intollerant.   But . . what ever.

February 22

Tired.  Did about 7 hours of community service yesterday  on my fines.  Swept and mopped two gyms, one of which was filthy. 5 Racket ball courts. 5 bathrooms and a lot of trash.

Still, I feel remarkably energized this morning.  it’s the overnights that sap my energy for days.

Darrell has remained  sober and so have I.  I am going to get a thumb drive tommarrow and download some of his art from Behance portfolios. I believe i can do that and the quality will be good enough to make prints.  I hope so.  We lost the thumb drives that contained all his previous art works. it may bring him out of his lethargy.   He has suffered a lot of losses.  I often think of his place he had and fun times there,  how we drove around in his truck.  Darrell thinks i blame Paul secretly for givng Darrell so much credit and making money off of his obessive, compulsive, addictive personality weaknesses . . bringing him down. Because Darrell is always in debt to Paul.  Darrell has glacoma and can get medical marijuana but he says the quality is no good.  He can also get pain pilss instead of wailing and complaining all the time.    perhaps, Darrell is responsible for his own choices and still is.  But i feel like this is the last line of defense, here at the nest, holed up at my place . . and I am fighting to hold the line .  It is heavy.  And still this pattern continues . . . still, the pattern of his kids hitting him up for what meager money he has continues. i can’t say anything . . it’s his family . . . but it DOES end up falling on me, and no one cares.  Untill I fail . . then the hate starts.

Even Paul told me when i told him how I felt ,. . that it ‘was not his problem.’  He just bought a 7000 dollar bus in Eastern Washington that he can’t get running now .  Poor Darrell’s money went into that bus, and so did my labor and  offering my home to Darrell.

Pot may be legal here in WA but selling  it privately  is still illegal and i would bet that with all the revenue pot is bringing into the coffers , that authorities are less leniant on illegal sales that bite into that revenue. It could catch up with Paul some day . . though i think he feels omnipotent now.

It seems i am supporting all this, supporting Darrell’s ‘relationship’ with Paul and Becky which contributed to making him homeless, me .  And  I dont even smoke the shit.

I had my suitcase packed last week after a confrontation with Darrell and Paul   and was ready to take off on a new life . . but he had the car. I just got that car road ready ,

except for one tire.  But I went for a swim waiting for the car to return and when I got back home Darrell was acting like nothing in the world was amiss so I let it go.  Be better to wait untill spring if i can.

Well . . . at least i got that community service going to keep my license and tommarrow is pay day, already spent . . alas, they are really soaking me for that mere scratch on the Lee’s car.  perhaps i can call up the Lees and ask if we can settle privately  and be done with it.  Why do they need three thousand dollars from me?  it’s just a scrape . . .and i damn near got killed.  My car really sustained some damage.   People.

 

 

 

Tried to change energy patterns today .. .been so focused on that which is painfully and negative in my blogs I only make myself ill.

Took Darrell out for breakfast and we bought some music. I put a new tire on the car and she rides smooth . . .he went out for the day. Yesterday was really low .

 

I was sick and psychologically ,Physically out of gas . Despite dropping a little cash, I could not budge him out of the bedroom.  I was so Damn depressed I wanted to cry but no place private to do that. Still dragging with asthma but its a better day remembering fun things to do.

Monday

Asthma attacks continued throughout the weekend.  I got coverage  for a Lynden shift easily on Fri but  was able to make the Lynden/ Brookdale 14 hour Saturday marathon plus driving time.

Darrell had some breakfast made and let me sleep for a good 6 hours Sunday and i awoke feeling O.K. but around dinnertime i again had an episode.  A bad one.  Id just had a steak dinner so i should have been feeling a good protein boost but instead i felt ill. This time i decided i couldn’t just ‘be brave’ and deal with it . . . an overnight shift woukld really make me sick. So i tried to get coverage . . . and i was left feeling like a weakling, some one making problems . . like i was bullshitting or being a big baby.  And of course, the usual anger.  Like going to the ER was my idea of playing hooky.

these chornic asthma problems which rise up unexpectedly and can go either way . . get worse or dissapear within an hour or two  have caused problems in all my assistedliving type jobs . . they don’t believe me.  or they think Im covering up for a drinking episode.  That’s why i went on social security.

One co worker really gave me hell . . . reminding me that she had never ever missed her shift or called in, even when she was very sick.  Well I guess we are different kinds of people.  I guess in her mind that fortitude is a strenghth, a sign of responsibility.  Going to work for 6 days with a fever of 103 is virtue signaling.  Because she is indespensible.

No one in indespensable. They may make you feel like you are , or a person may feel that about themselves  but the truth is most of the time there is always a way to cover.  For example i would have covered 2 or 3 shifts if I had been asked when my co worker was ill.  Of course, it creates resentment when someone has to pick up extra work . . .and that’s the problem with asthma, you cant always tell when it will strike, how serious it will get, it often appears to be faked, and sometimes it goes away rapidly.

this much i know.  if i don’t listen to what my body is telling me . . take time out, something bad will happen. I will get pnuemonia, or bad bronchitis that becomes very, visably debilitating.  I wish i didnt break down so much . . wasn’t so fragile despite all my swimming and ‘preperation’ that I put into getting physically and mentally ready to tackle my work . . but i am. Also i have to remember that I am in recovery . . and there is commenly a problem with stress related emotional overload that mimics drinking . . .and it can go on a long long time. You have to pat yourself on the back and say good for you for getting through it without drinking . . no one else will understand, or care or pat you on the back.

My thinking is this. Going to work sick is no virtue.  and going to work very ill is downright stupid if not negligent when one is dealing with elderly people.  Not only can decreased stamina and strenghth be detremental to them in transfers or breaking a fall or showers . . .they are also a high risk, fragile population for flus, colds, and so on which can be fatal in older people.  Do elderly people WANT a wheezing asthmatic, struggling to help them, breathing and coughing germs all over?? When they are worried about falls, and even imminent death.   I don’t think they do.  i think It’s responsible to stay home when ill.  That’s my thinking.

At any rate i went to the ER . My nurse was very thoughtfull and kind  but I was surprised to find that I wasn’t immediatly given oxygen but steroid treatment . I recieved mixed messages about inflamation.  the doctor initially said he could hear the inflamation in my lun gs , then said I had none.  Like I was being a baby.  After a little questioning it was acertained that Darrell’s smoking habits were the root cause of these problems.  he smokes all the time in the bedroom .  The nurse reminded me it wasn’t a comfort issue but a life threatening issue . . she had seen asthma attacks so bad people were in ICU.

So how do I address it?? I already know he won’t desist from smoking.  he was pissed by my running to the ER and was shoving and pushing me when i came home . . demanding HIS  coughing be addressed. So I went and bought a bottle of cough medicine at Haggens.

I will address the smoking issue in a day or so.  Right now the plan is to demand that windows be open a crack and that the bedroom be rearranged by tommarrow so head of the bed is away from the dusty heaters.

I may or may not have a job. It’s considered absenteeism.  Even though i have a doctor’s slip.

I am puzzled by their not immediatly giving me oxigen when i came in, a standard procedure.  Is oxigen so expensive or rare??  Steroid can be killers . .but i have to admit, i do feel a lot better today, a whole lot better after the treatment.

On the positive side . . . .a few things that helped restore positive feelings about people, when i feel like Im getting no support.  I was at haggens buying depends . . and i forgot my wallet.  A Native gentleman offered to cover for me and bought the diapers.  Saved my ass . . literally.  Sometimes these small  gestures go a long long ways. And There’s a few women in my life whose attitude and spirit really make my day and i must not forget to tell them so . . that i llok forward to their energy.  it’s so easy to get focused on the negative hurts, put downs and so on.  and focusing on them  . . like scatching poisen ivy rash, only spreads it.

I think the Dana episode has been bothering me a lot.  Although, i laugh and try to brush it off as ridiculous.  it’s funny how that still has the power to hurt me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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