Haven’t drank for over a month. My face has thinned out. I’m getting good licks at work on my job performance now that I’m well and that’s such a turn around. My confidence and outlook is much more positive. Brought Darrell down to Elders Lodge and now I’m waiting on my Salmon to cook up. Looking forward to return home tomarrow and time alone for a while.
I plan to sleep a lot.
Thurs 12/9
Car broke down near anoka. Can’t afford to fix it. Now I’m on foot. Only one week after I had the intoxilock removed. After all that expense … I had one week of joyfull driving.
Heading into Mn winter on foot.
I think the media may have done another hit job on me, because I was writing about Dallas and Racheal, and referred to the events of 97. The energy I am picking up from people hurts and angers me. As if 20 years of this wasn’t enough. There were thoughtful people who analyzed the public attitudes way back then, and saw the same things I was seeing. They are silent now and the propagandists won. Evil won. If I try to set things right then I’m defensive, and they don’t accept it anyways. They can’t. It’s beyond them. There’s something really really wrong with this town. Something collectively wrong with the people.
Got in a vigorous swim this afternoon and feeling a bit better. So sad, so very discouraged about my car though. So discouraged about so many things.
Friday
Didn’t sleep. Feel like shit. So very depressed.
I know it’s not fair but my thoughts turn to blame. If Darrell hadn’t made me drive all over hell in that old car, including that fruitless drive to Standing Rock, the endless trips to the twin cities, maybe it would have lasted a few more years. He could have taken a bus or Amtrack but no, I had to go get him and bring him back. My own fault too for not vetting that car. And the mechanics screwed me over royally. Feeling used, by darrell, by Dad, by some of my employers. Used and abused until I was used up. And for what. Trying to be a good person in a culture that insists on stuffing me in little boxes to feel powerful and worthy by comparison. Or harnessing me for thier power fix. I’m so sick of being defined by cultural neurosis that treats me like a sexual dirty joke. I’m so tired and discouraged.
I’m sick all the time. I’m tired all the time. And now I’m on foot. I knew I would go down. Guys like darrell always always bring you down.
Saturday
They say when one is depressed one is close to the truth. I’m not certain that’s true.
Feeling up today.opened the curtains. Cleaned up. Watered plants. Subscribed to great courses. I need to learn . They have a course on speaking Spanish and that kind of Sparked me. I used to know a little Spanish.
That’s a very useful language here in z North America. So I can for 9 bucks engage in a language course. A discipline. I need that
Sat
Spent the morning watching a course on Ancient American civilizations. Got up to the Mississippian culture and that psycho De Soto. M ok
It isn’t fair to blame Darrell, instead of my own poor choices and lack of vetting regarding that car.And other stuff.
Guess I’ll get it out of the shop
Wednesday 13 dDec
Waiting for Lyft to take me to Northstar rail to Anoka. A few days of walking and hitching rides made me abandon the idea of footing it this winter. It was OK three years ago, the bus ran directly from my house to St. Bens. Also to Dads. Not so now.
Darrell is awaiting 2000 from his tribe. Meanwhile, I cleaned house yesterday, slowly with a multitude of aches and pains. Went to bed early and was sleeping and dreaming so deeply I didn’t want to get up.
When I get to Anoka I’ll have more time before shop opens to write on some amusing anecdotes .
Later- sitting around Anoka waiting for garage to open. I’ll be here for a while too. Guy is running late. Not feeling good.
Dec 20
Got most of my shopping done. Tired. Aches. Need rest and a swim.
Todays supposed to be the day of the mass invasion on the southern border. Apparently people are backed up awaiting this. I guess we’ll see.
Meanwhile , Europe has been de industrialized since the pipeline was sabotaged ( by Biden?) which means it’s finished. Been thinking a lot about that lately. Mourning the rich cultures that once existed, the architecture and art, the music, the literature, philosophy and sciences ( or lack of them) But also knowing the legacy of genocide and slavery is being played in reverse .
I was wondering how far back in time this could be taken. Could we, for example, demand reparations and revenge from Mongolia for the ravages of Genghis Kahn?? Those sons of bitches introduced the plague after all. Assholes. Or what about the Assyrians?
Or what about the Biblical Joshua? Wiped out all those towns. Everyone. That’s grnocide.
Here’s a new theory. Aliens are behind it. We are a failed species so they’re getting rid of all of us to take this prize planet for themselves.
Are we a failed species?? According to new Agee’s even the alien races warred among themselves.
Dec 23
Blue and confused regarding Darrell, my life.
He has decided once again to abandon his place and throw himself to the wind regarding reconnecting with family. Heading out to Standing Rock in the middle of winter, where’s there’s a housing shortage and even people with kids have to wait years. People are crammed into relatives houses out there and there’s no place for a guy like Darrell anymore. He does however have social security and that’s a household bonus.
I’m laying here in my room as my phone runs out of battery, the power is out in part of the house. After a day that began with breakfast at Brigettas for darrell and the final wrapping of presents. Darrell has so many under the tree. I was feeling sorrow, trauma and realization of how much I’ve loved him, or tried to love him over the years. Worry and distress and despair at his self destructive pattern of destroying what I and others have done to get him his own place. To make him comfortable when he visits. His mood swing between tender affection and desire to be close and hateful rejection. He came in, sat down on the bed in while I was listening to radio, which I clicked off, knowing it wasn’t his thing. I moved over and told him to hop in. He immediately switched to anger mode, saying I didn’t really want him and he would be leaving me on the first. When I followed him to his den he chased me out, turned hostile.
Somehow I knew Christmas would be ruined again, as it usually is.
I know his unstable and volitile mood patterns have taken a devestating toll on me and yes, I do crave my solitude for a few hours, especially when he’s been so negatively focused on my habits, food and driving. But that’s not where my heart was today. I was thinking that despite this there would be such an ache, such a void if he tore everything up again. Another Colorado.
And I told him at breakfast, I can’t even imagine a world without Darrell somewhere in it. We held hands and he said he loved me.
Now, the mood is the opposite. Get away from me.
He wasn’t stuck there at Elders Lodge or here. As long as he covered rent he could travel and visit as he pleased. He was only there about half the time, and when he was here I went out of my way to treat him, he just couldn’t be happy. It seemed such a good solution. He never could understand my reasons for alone time, to do my thing in peace. Always interpreted it as rejection.
It was inevitable I guess. But why why couldn’t he be content at Elders Lodge??
So he’s leaving my life, our story. I have nothing warm to fill that void. Nothing here.
He has always been in the background, I’ve taken it for granted, and it isn’t much of a life for him just watching tv in his den, but what else could I offer. I was working all the time and on days off there were things to do, shopping, looking after Dad. I cooked a lot during this last visit. But his mind just keeps fraying despite not using drugs and alchohol. As does mine. We’ve disintegrated.
It is symbolic that the power went out and on most of the circuits as we enter a deep freeze of 30 below and blizzard warnings. It is a frightening . And to have to face our feelings without the distractions of internet and tv that medicate from morning to night. Darrell far more than me, who reads and listens to radio, was totally at a loss.
I fear for Darrell. I fear for myself as everything falls apart, everything meaningful disappears. Everyday the alternative lifestyle we lived in Bellingham slips farther and farther away, the light we kept alive in this shabby house now grows dimmer, I become but a Kwik trip fast food worker… a far cry from my former passionate self. How will I live without out Darrell big paw rubbing the aches out of my back,
Did I not show enough genuine affection and love these past few years?? It seems like I’ve become more accepting , less angry at things, as I see the clock of his life run out, and my dads, as I struggle with getting older and the consequences of my life that I cannot undo so easily at this stage. I spent a lot of energy on them, knowing they will soon be gone and what will I have? There’s nothing for me here. The narrative of our lives was so intense, so different from what they imagism here.
From the ghettos of Minneapolis to the beauty of coastal WA. We’ve seen and experienced a lot.
Every bone in my body bid me to leave here the past few years, before it killed me, but ties to my 94 year old dad kept me, and Darrell suffered, like he was stashed in my Den or at Elders Lodge with no real life of his own until finally he had to strike out on his own to save his soul. He stayed as long as he did for me, our long history.
He was a great big soul. None like him that I have ever known. Where did all that courage I once had go to??
Well maybe a new chapter begins, I can collect Karen, center myself , be something I was ment to be.
( later). I was listening to red ice Chanel when he walked in, not a channel I really like all that much , but sometimes they offer a glimse into what’s happening. They were talking about an article in the Atlantic which was concerned about the overlap between the far left and the far right and the whole emphasis on natural food, medicine and so on and connecting it with white identity movements that pipe line into violent white supremist movements. No
Clearly talking about the Northwesr where the left and right do merge . That’s because it’s a pioneer culture, scots z Irish, and native, and Asian. The Scots have traditionally distrusted government and relied on thier own remedies, as do many Natives. The food and medicine consciousness does not pipe line into violent white power movements. The Amish, the Mennonite’s eat natural food. I’ve yet to hear of thier violent movement. So yes, this is Establishment fear and propaganda. It’s the Atlantic after all. Worthy of ridicule.
But on the other hand . .. they do share a separatist outlook.
I saw that in Bellingham. In many ways that article wS true. But it was being ridiculed by red ice when darrell walked in. He only heArd the words white power and his mood flipped.
All the things in this Atlantic article are things I perceived decades ago. I remenmber telling a black friend and co worker not to trust the counter culture too much back in 1982 or so. I Told her I’d gone to a lecture by the author of eco topi a where he offered a theory gthat the races would voluntarily sepregTe themselves. When I asked a black friend about this he said hell no.
24th
Found a pint after my words with darrell, that I wrote about , stashed away. And I comforted myself , of course I was sick in the morning.
Baked cookies today and back to work. Spoke to Juanita and begged her to talk some sense into Darrell. Which she did. He listens to her.
So he’s not taking off on the 1st. Not till spring. He apologized, said he loved me, did the dishes.
I spent the day in front of the restored tv. Watching a Spanish mini series ( Heirs to the earth) and then Fosse and Verdun.
Don’t know I’d Darrell expects to just move back in with me. He doesn’t ask. He just does this. Don’t know if he will keep his place. I have to address this but have been avoiding it until after Xmass. I’m feeling some anger today at the way he yo yo’s my emotion … especially when I’m being strong. I know I have to extricate myself from this and fuck sentimentality over past times.
26
Why is it suddenly so much brighter as soon as Christmas ends.
27. The clock ran out, literally. It died
29th
Turned on some native flute music and did some yoga and meditation after the house was cleaned. Made a chicken curry with coconut and lime, and some chicken fettuccine for lunch. We ate our pick and the energy is good. Darrell has been doing the dishes and cleaning cupboards. Well I’m off to work, as prepared as I can be. It feels like Bellingham days. Christmas is such a strain, I find all the rituals unnatural and corney. A huge weight off my back. And I always get deliberately hurt by people at Christmas, they use the Oppurtunity to inflict pain and disappointment. No one liked my hats or thanked me. Oh well. Except Kate, who loved her ‘ Christmas storyt’ lamp.
Now I can focus on me instead of the expectations and needs of others, first on the list is to take care of my body, yoga and exercise and diet.
30
Hatch clip broke on the Ford Escape. Window hanging. We snugged it down tight with bunny cords until we can get it fixed at auto wrecking.
The hinge thing broke on the screen door during the wind. It’s flapping. We have to come up with some injun-uity to patch that together now.
I feel so … dumpy and dilapidated. Trashy.
Went to Hobby Lobby . The yarn was 40 percent off. And they really expanded thier selection, it got me all enthused about creative projects again. Must get Darrell stocked up with cards and prints too.
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