march 2014

5 03 2014

Treated myself to a haircut and some tacos downtown. Spent the morning working on photo editing . FH000005A pretty good day all in all. Darrell must be in Eastern Montana by now . . He was delayed getting out of Seattle due to mountain road conditions. But he got some chow and a bed at the Indian center . . at least that was the plan. Good to see him in control of his life down there. Seattle is dangerous turf for him, full of enimies and thieves ready to strip him of his cash, ticket,clothes and artwork if hes not on the ball. Hope he got out . . . Im sure he did, he has a mission, a goal hes pretty focused on.
I will start thinking about my goals in a day or two. Haircut is a good start. Ed has extended a invitation for a short visit but I think I will wait for warmer weather. Oregon coast can be wicked this time of year. Too, too cold and stormy. of course, that’s the way I remember it.

march 13, 20`14
The computers in my building have been out of service for almost 10 days and nothing is being done about it!! I feel so isolated but the time away from FB has given me time to re group. I felt kind of weak and defeated for a bit and stayed home working on hats, i always go through this phase when Darrell leaves . But then i re emerge and look outward with expectation for the upcoming day. I dug up my garden yesterday. I’d layed down straw in the winter and it was broken down enough to work in but it’s hard work to get straw evenly worked through. In an hour im supposed to go with a woman to look at some garden spots offered by the co op, a labor in return for share of cfrop i believe. I’ll find out. Yesterday was bread baking day and of course every time includes time for hat making. There has been much to think about.
On the way here i stopped at the rainbow center where Darrell once hung out. This stretch of turf has so many memories of days gone by. I half expect to see him in the park. I hope he has good things to say about me back home, but i believe i know otherwise. I can dwell , hibernate on this, and other things . . or I can get out and celebrate the return of spring.
The first daffys are out in my garden now and i sww a few curls of pink blossom unfurling.

At last, indulging myself in gardens of time! I surfeit!
Checked out the community ‘farm’ not far from here. It’s an experimental neighborhood farm-garden with a young orchard in place, ornamental boxes for veggies, a compst, a tool shed, and rain water holding tanks, and space for further fields and greenhouses to be built this year. . . I believe I could learn a lot by volunteering. I put my name down on the list of recruits but apparently there’s students who do much of the planning. Still, there’s always straw to be gotten, weeding and so on . . . it would be a good thing to get involved in I think. a way to meet innovative people who are putting the idea of organic , sustainable neighborhood collectivist farming into practice.
Much to do before tommarrow.
Well my instints aboutmy friends activism proved to be right. I had a sense that no matter how I reacted it was going to mean trouble, whether I got on the band wagon or backed away.No matter what I said to her, or didn’t say. I could not afford to be rude, then word spreads about ‘how she treats people.’ etc . . . .
I lied . . . I DO sign petitions. I do follow legal issues.and sometimes I attend demonstrations that have to do with coal trains and other issues. I just didn’t like a big can of worms being opened for me when I had been through so much and was trying to peaceably send my friend Darrell back to his reservation.Ground Zero so to speak. My friend ought to have known that I, of all people, can’t be doing these kinds of rallys . . . but apparently she has moved on to other things now so we are again on friendly terms . . about other topics. She tells me I am being set up for a fall . . . and of course that leads me to think I ought to be carefull, she may be the one who feels it is her higher purpose to arrange that fall. Fall?? To where?? From What?? How could I have fallen any more than I have in the past year and a half. hasn’t the media blasted ‘the awfull truth’ about Karen , the lowest of the low, vilest of the vile, meanest of the mean, to that affect? Fall to where? hell can only be up. Death doesn’t matter. Pain, abuse and torture and humiliation and so on however . . . .well, that is a deterent to being anything but silent. I wonder what the hell more can they do to me . . and the answer is quite a lot.
Its human instinct to want friends, a confidant, and I find very few I can relate to , who have the experiental library to comprehend the things I think about, talk about.( and I do have women friends that have proven worthy of trust,and respect despite ups and downs, Like Y) It makes a person feel like crap when they wag their tail like a little dog at the first sign of sympatico only to be betrayed . . . and worse when one falls for it twice. it seems like its the people closest to me that have been the most dangerous . . . to hell with all that drama and tangled web stuff . . just let me out into my community farm to chat with innovative students . Shoot I worked on pot plantations in my day . . . I bet I have a few agricultural tips to contribute.
If I can hang tuff until the next election . . . things change in America. I note that MSNBC has become more feminized, softer than it once was. Fox is still un real and in a world of it’s own. they say Hollywood has a growing libertarian streak . . . things change. They even have a t.v. show now called ‘The Red Road.’ inconceivable not that long ago . . .
The pundits that once caused me so much psychic pain are not as powerfull an influence as they were . . I see attempts to bring back the old Bush administration war crimes as an issue . . .the pudits wish they could bring back a clear moral highground and a youth army with a sense of power and purpose. Things aren’t so clear now. I always liked Obama as a person . . . but I do agree that people have been increasingly railroaded into accepting dependence on government out of utter defeat and despair. The direction of my life and the nanny take over of Darrell is proof of that. sometimes when I see where Darrell’s life has been put on track I wonder if this is not a good thing. sometimes I feel used up,discarded, enslaved, after years of struggle . . and cast as a sort of depository of bad valus and ideas. I am a critical thinker, and a perceptive person belonging to no camp absolutelyand have a life history of seeing through the crap . . but I had my strenghths, and was not really the Rosanna Anna Danna of bigotry Ive been painted as. Not in comparison to the mountains of crap I hear from people in my daily life.
any way . . .I hadn’t planned to go off in such a discourse. I really ought to quit writing if the price is so very damaging, but it’s kind of a release to put out one’s existential truth in small dosage . . it keeps me sane, even if the consequenses have driven me insane.

Hope. I feel Hope. Resurgence. Optimism.
I chatted with Darrell over the phone and all is very well. He has come out of his funk and has been doing up new art work again,lots of it, he has requests for tee shirts from people and is going to try for a loan to stock up on things for upcoming Pow wows and things. he is even thinking about a used car . . . why . . . this is the Darrell I used to know, the Darrell I have missed so much. I feel the dark enveloping cosmic egg of the past few years beginning to break into shards and something new, a chrysalis shining through. Perhaps our choices do not have to be so serious, so lonely . . perhaps, perhaps we will be again as we were before . . driving around, Darrell the artist, me his co partner, going to Pow wows and gatherings the way it once was.
My attemps to have his work at the Saturday market didn’t work out . . .perhaps because it was a different crowd, or it wasn’t his style or he resented me taking charge of it . . but he was drinking so heavily then, and at the time I really thought I was promoting him. but of course he would rather be the one selling his work on his own terms . . in person, and now he is 4 months sober enough to do that . . to BE Darrell the artist again instead of Darrell the street person. Darrell the street person was created by the heartbreak of discrimination at my apartment complex and jealousy, both here and among the tribes here. . not by me. The heart is fragile. It doesn’t have to be so dark . . .dramas about killing and pulling people down and revenge and so on . . one only needs to reach across the curtain to see the real world of spirit which can, miraculously survive and blossom even through thickest night of evil.

march 15
Saturday market day . . wouldn’t you know it, it’s rainy. it’s amazing how fast I can transform myself from sloppy, lazy, mopey, beery karen into a lady with presence when I want to, haircut , clothes, the confident glow of excersise . . it must be because I really have that lady tucked inside me. An original style. Some people can dress up and do hair and make up all they want and they still look artificial. And an amazing number of people have no sense of style at all and ought not to try dressing up at all. I joke.
It’s going to be a good day. Thinking on yesterdays ruminations . . .what im describing is love. The power of love. Sometimes we need to be pulled out of our funk and reminded of it. the words of wisdom I read on FB pages gives me good thoughts to think about and thought is where it starts. self love is the starting point too, respecting ones spirit and mind enough to nuture it and not to poison it or mistreat it . . . what happens is that inevitably we end up poisoning and mistreating others if we continue in a world of pain, self inflicted or not.
I find I rely a lot of the postings of FB friends to remind me that all is not negativity and that we have the power to shape our reality by what thoughts and emotions we dwell on. If you whine around about how people bully you or hurt you and have made you small then they will laugh and bully and hurt you and make you small. sometimes it can be difficult to process painfull feelings . . . and stuffing them too much can result in emotional acid reflex. if you project confidence and happiness with your being people will be drawn to you. So sometimes I retreat, process for a while until Im feeling stronger and then go get’m when Im in touch with the inner lady again.
Love will get you where you need to be in life if you practice it. all the great religions teach this.
I have to admit that I am enjoying my life again now. it would bore the hell out of most people but I enjoy listening to my music, working on things free of stress, free of criticism and expectation . . and it shows in the new directions ive taken in my design. So much brighter!! here’s hoping.

almost time for some relaxation in front of the tube. Bible on tonight. I was thinking that I ought to do some volunteer work with the humane society and do ushering at Mt. Baker theater in return for seeing all the shows ( or some of them) that come through there. I used to usher in Minneapolis at the theaters all the time to take in local theater and I loved it and there is some really good stuff that comes through mt. Baker. surely they can always use another pair of hands at the humane society as well, even if it’s just playing with the cats or something.
why didn’t I think of this stuff before. also I could rent out a violin . . or make payments on one I am renting to own. there are some free classes being offered as well in selecting the right digital camera and how to use it among other things.
I continue to swim . . I have added the breast stroke to my my usual routine just to work out different muscles. Unfortunely I come home hungry as hell . .chowed down four tostados this afternoon post swim. will have to tackle that diet as soon as Im excercised up a little more. When my membership runs out I can switch to yoga and pilates and that is the time to diet.
so nothing of great interest to write of . . . and that’s O.K. I was rained out of the market on Saturday and din’t make much but I have some house cleaning gigs lined up next week for a little cashola.
Darrell may be staying on in S.D for a while and I am O.K with it . . . most of the time I am 3 or 4th in his list of priorities if he’s doing something or has company. he tells me to call him but then . . he’s always too busy.
turned off the t.v. today and was listening to cbc instead . . .Im tired of aliens, aliens, aliens now. How different it is just across the border . . they find sarcastic humor in the same absurbities that I do!! Refreshing.
Well . . .time to catch up on news. See if they have found that damn plane.

worked out hard at the gym. Put out resumes. some ones talking dirt about me again, making me look awfull, I can sense it. what can I do?? never stops. Ive given up defending myself. what can you do? laugh at it. laugh at them. Laugh at myself too.dont give them the power they seek over me.
So iTagged myself in some funny , rather naughty pics on FB. I was amused as hell while I was doing it too .Shocking!! figured if Im going to be characterized so awfull then why not do it myself with a bit of playfull humor… is that called ‘owning the dark side?” or owning own’s own bad behavior to quote the behaviorist frenzied mindset out here . . . OH OH, I better not laugh at all this. I better take all this seriously. After all, the gods have spoken.
Im supposed to be waddling about all alone, shunned, and unloved with a puzzled, deflated, shamed look or something. No shame! well . . that’s the point. That’s a good thing.
heres a thought . . . what if future employers check out my FB and see me self tagged in pics of pink dragons, Betty Page , reptilians and all kinds of nonsense.
Not taking oneself too seriously is good healing. I am going through a healing process right now . . im not as O.K> as I think just yet. ive been very deeply traumatized by the past year or so . . all those nightmares I was having was the result . . now I am over eating, and that’s typical of what I charecteristicly do as I work out trauma. I have a lot to sort out and no one to really trust with my thoughts and feelings.
Talked to housing yesterday about the possibility of lifting the 11 year standing trespass order against Darrell( when he returns) for peeing on the floor back in 2013. I explained that
he had been addressing alchohol issues, had been maintaining his own housing and was far too disabled and weakened by illness and surgery to cause any trouble for anyone at this point in his life.
the answer I got was that I must have done SOMETHING to bring that down . . because WE don’t just do these things because WE don’t like some one . . I must have have done SOMETHING more serious . . and the thing to do was take responsibility for my bad behaviours. Wait a minute . . I thought we were discussing Darrell,he was the one trespassed not I. And acuually they DO do things because they decide they don’t like some one around here . . not too long ago I passed by the smoking area and a woman called out to me “If WE don’t like you WE will let you know it.” . . that’s for sure.
When I pointed out that Darrell had had major surgery and it would have been nice to
care for him at my apartment post op where there was an elevator for his wheel chair the answer I got was . . WE don’t care about these things. Just Nice people doing nice things. That’s why I hesitate to do any kind of counseling for the PTSD . . Im afraid Ill have to deal with the shrug of WE don’t care once again . . . and Im sick to death of this behaviorist interpretation of everything that reduces everything to
owning up to being bad . . just as I despise the reduction of everything to simple explainations of Karma. Thangs aren’t that simple.
I think I will continue to find more dirty pics to tag, for the fun of it.

Every muscle in my body hurts but the exercise is starting to yield results. Dad is sending me some money for a violin as my birthday present. I spent the day scouting around town and the internet looking at fiddles. Found one at Bellingham music for 3oo that wasn’t bad at all and believe it or not I found a pretty good one on craigs list for a 100.
Better than a student violin but not professional quality . . but then, whose going professional! Did more job search and interview, got signed up with some temp agencies . Now Im tired. Tommarrow I must collect cardboard for the farm and haul it over and Saurday there’s some work hours schedualed.

Slept good. No more nightmares. Just read this:

Hard to believe that Lucien Freud and Edward Bernays are both nephews of Freud. It’s like Jack Wennstrom and Jerry Springer being cousins. But then, Marcellus Hall and I are cousins and the neice and nephew of Tom Egerman.

Rather than ” Karma” and all this behaviorist bullshit . . why not blame those monsters of consumer culture ( and their siblings in politics and military, esp; the descendents of mk ultra) who make a living off of their understanding of the unconscious mind . . and use it to advantage , sometimes with results that trigger a crazy witch hunt.
Instead of looking at what Ive been saying in the past about what I perceived to have happened to me and the public reactions that spun so out of control as an understandable reaction to ‘what was wrong with Karen’ . . . why not see it as an indicator to what happens to a culture manipulated since birth by marketing messages that trigger unconscious responses and people so focused on outer self that they are out of touch with their own fears, anxieties and animosities. Especially in an era where political correctness demands the suppression of aggression . . it ends up coming out in a hate fest. That’s what happened in America . . . and people in the media did nothing except a little wrist slapping about things ‘going too far.’relying on amnesia to set in after the 3 second attention span of people has run out.
Now I like Lucien, although I probably wouldn’t decorate my apartment with some of his nudes. I like the it is what it is starkness.
There is a whole approach to art that takes cue from Lucein Freud . . and this is art that I like.

March 22
Gave myself 2 days to give my sore muscles a rest, today its back to the gym. Darrell plans to be back on the 4th or so. He sounds a little sad. yesterday, I think the inflammation I was experiencing was causing pschic pain as well. Today I am thinking of other things. Am working on a rainbow hued beret and reading 1491, America before Columbus.
Does any of this matter? I figure our empire will be collapsed within 20 to 30 years, I might still be alive then . . . none of the things I spent my time fretting about will matter then. It could even happen sooner, or more suddenly than expected.
Take out the power grid in some key places . . . and its over. I think back to Darrell’s ancestor Chief Gall and how he disrupted the railroads and the
telegraph lines back in the days of westward expansion. Same thing.
What would I do if the power grid went out? What survival skills do I have in barbarity? I can’t even make a fire. I can’t construct a shed. I can’t build an engine , I can’t fight . . . I would have to align myself with some one who can do these things. . . that’s exactly what I did do the past 18 years. Ive been writing down every little fret and fart but I still don’t know how to build a fire, or fight. Nor do I know how to either build a telegraph line or cut one.
Actually . . . all I need to do is buy up all the cigarettes I can before the apocalypse. people will trade food and things for cigarettes. I would have to get a gun to protect my cigarettes. That should just about do it. Funny how in these kind of circumstances it’s the people at the bottom, the hobos, the homeless, the criminals, the pschopaths that survive the best. us beogeoiseie bred respectable german and irish tame types don’t have a clue. Were the first to go down.

enjoying listening to rising Appalachia as i write. ive turned off the t.v. for a while. ive been falling asleep with it on and that’s not good for a person. ive been enjoying reading 1491. it’s quite an engaging book , informative but not that difficult to read.
Im starting to feel centered again, glad to have my nest, peace and quiet . I still have a lot to sort out. i don’t know where i stand with Darrell. I think he is being urged to remove me from the picture. Ive been hurting, sad over this for over a year and only now am starting to feel O.K. i guess in his mind he is healing from me and is surrounded by people that support this . . . I am wondering why ive been so demonized. I was good to him . . but if its time to move on then its time.
Was just re reading my notes in FB. Thankfully, all those notes are under a privacy lock. I think I wrote in these notes, or saved in these notes the kind of thoughts and emotions I could not write out elsewhere . . and they are thoughts full of much pain at hypocrasies and perceived injustices towards self. and full of judgement too . . .even though many points I made are valid and eloquently expressed, some of it sounds like volcanic mish mash of emotion I cannot distance myself from with critical insight. yet when I look back to what I was actually DOING at that time . . it was very supportive , enterprising , creative and positive. there is a huge split between the person who was putting together online pages for Darrell, doing vending, creating a social reality through the market and really helping Darrell transition through housing and sell his work . . and the person so full of rage, pain resentment in these notes.
Perhps the notes were where I stashed these uncomfortable emotions and observations, worked them out.

I don’t have that degree of anger any more . . .or not of the same kind. I have acquired some distance.

I did run across an article I saved that D. had sent me via email in Dec of 2012. It was a virulent anti muslim rant. Included with that was an article sent in response.

title=”link to anti muslim rant article”>

At the time I thought this article sent to me by D:
was a really significant indicator as to her real sentiments. Sentiments I would consider to be inconsistent with one who wishes to engage in activism on the behalf of oppressed peoples. I am surprised to find that other activists or militants in the native world don’t see this, and other inconsistancies as particularly important.

Perhaps I am thinking too much about nothing of significance at all. Except that such things DO impact my life. At any rate there seems to be absolutely nothing I can do about the way I know things are going to go and I only make myself look bad if I express ‘negativity’.
This is the last week of purely private time I will have. Next week the market opens on a weekly basis, Darrell will be back and my time will be taken up.
He says he has missed me, and perhaps he did a little. me too. I have tried to get myself in rediness for next month but all the time spent at the gym has not reduced any weight at all or given me that glow of vitality. I look worn, saggy, old, and there is a grimness to my face, a despair that wasn’t there even last year. I need to check out some comedies.

I was watching Aljezeera the other day whn the news broke about the execution sentence of 5oo and some muslim brotherhood. That’s the largest execution sentence I can think of yet when I switched over to mainstream media channels through out the day, wondering what their slant would be . . . nothing.

I now own a violin again. A pretty damn good one for 100 bucks . . . people with child support issues and things like that sell stuff cheap . strings need replacing.
Well it made my Dad happy. he still wants to believe that his little girl had soooo much talent . . what a shame it was wasted. I played good enough to enjoy making music, to play in local orchestras and pit bands but was never any kind of noticible talent . . but you know how dad’s are. I was tempted to exploit the generosity , and I could have told him I had found one for 300 or more but it was a weak impulse and the desire to actually have a hobby violin and deal fairly was stronger. so I searched through pawn shops and craigs list posting until I found the right fit.
I am feeling good tonight. Went to a barber and had my hair trimmed up nice. bough some almost new tennis shoes for 4 bucks at a thrift store, got treats for the birdies. Chatted with a bunch of people I ran into. I guess Freddy died last night, one of Darrell’s former guys on the street. thats a number of his old street friends that have died this year . . . You would have been one of them I remind him. he says, I know.
There is such sad news all the time here in Washington . . a landslide killed and dispossessed a lot of people and it is awfull. I keep wondering what it would feel like to watch your neighbors, friends, family swept away . . that sense of security shattered by the unexpected.

Rainy out but I am feeling good. Put on some of my favorite violin conceritos last night and caught up on some letter writing. yes, some of us still write letters. Starting a part time job next week . . only about 10 hours but it will supplement things, also the market will be a weekly or bi weekly gig now and that always brings in a few hundred. Havent sat down and played yet . . so busy with things to get done before tommarrow.
Have to bring over some stuff to the farm and hopefull have enough steam to get down to the gym. Want to do some full cleaning this weekend and get some good grub ready for Darrell’s return. The energy around town is good lately, people being friendly again and stopping to chat.

Back to work. Much to get done.

Damn i accedentally deleted a chunk of writting that was important. Went through my notes from last year and deleted them.
Rainy and windy. market doesn’t start till next week i gues

Caught a cold and can’t move my back from doing too much yoga and then sleeping too deeply for too long. Worked out on the farm yesterday. WE were laying down collected cardboard and covering it with wood chips for weedless paths , cold and rainy but one of the most enjoyable afternoons I’ve had in a while. it’s healing energy working on projects like this, and as planting season dawns there will be plenty to do and more people involved . made friends with two rambunctious retrievers there.
Turning off the t.v. at night is also healing energy. Islept for almost 10 hours last night without even waking. Watching late night, it’s too easy to fall asleep with t.v. on and wake strained, with diminished attention and mood.
I think I will pull out the violin today and see what I remember. I never, not once played my fiddle when I lived in Minneapolis. and out here I played for a while and then infrequently once Darrell came out and then not at at all when my the fiddle went into the pawn shop.
I have some material I need to review before I start my part time job on Tuesday.
Just a little janitorial gig not far from here, keep me in coffee fund until something better comes up.
Darrel will have to stay in South Dakota longer, his brother is not responding to cancer treatment and took a turn for the worse yesterday, they took him into the hospital and he says he will have to stay until it’s all over. Darrell is so very sad now and asks me to hold the fort for them out here. That means I will have to pay his rent and look after his affairs.
My friend is still pounding the pavement for Leonard Peltier and while this seems like a good thing, it cant go into here why it perturbs me so. ive had a talk with her about what she’s getting mixed up in , all the Aquash trial stuff that came out in about 2003 , what my history has been, but she’s aggressively persuing this non the less.if she wants to do social good on behalf of Native Americans why doesn’t she find other issues, other avenues . . this stuff is for the old guard so to speak, the insiders . She has no right to appoint herself a spokesman for them in my community . . she hasn’t earned it.
But If I express whats going on with me that would be considered ‘attacking people’ . . and that would make ME the problem. then M.S.N.B.C would have to EXPLAIN it to the mainstream again. I don’t know why she wants to be a significant player in this scene so much . . .she doesn’t really know Darrell but she makes it sound like she knows him and that there is some sympathy between them .. .which doesn’t exist. He sees through her. It was my adding her to my FB friend list that brought her into circumfrnce with people she would ordinarily not even know. now she is in a position to comment on Darrell and Karen stuff . . to be of influence.
Darrell believes her motives are self aggrandizing and at a deeper level destructive towards me. he has a lot more to say but his approach is not to bother with such people, they are not important to his world . . . he has his own sphere of influence and people listen to him.

Exercise is finally starting to pay off. I am in a dilemma about paying Darrell’s rent . . we have a joint savings and I asked him to simply transfer funds and I would pay the rent from there but he says no, commands me to pay the rent for him and says angrily that he will pay me back. Well . . he won’t. he knows it and I know it. I have never been payed back so there’s no reason for me to pay attention to his promises.
My boss says he is going to far . . . expecting too much when he knows I have nothing for myself. That I need to say no and if he can’t accept this and it spells the end of the friendship then the friendship was ment to end. However . . . if I say no, then there will arise a backlash of blame and hate when he loses his apartment over it. why can’t he just send the money when his S.S.A comes in?? I know he needs money for a ticket back. But that still leaves him enough to buy plenty of weed and whatever.why is it my responsibility to cover his family priorites. Even Andrea sounds like she expects me to pay this. If I do then I am”co dependant’ and this is the worst thing EVER because I am purposefully keeping him from growing . . . evil woman that I am.At least according to popular theory. If I don’t pay it . . Im the one who caused it all when things fall through.
On the other hand . . .this is a tough time, with Jim so near to passing on. There will be a give away, costs if Darrell sticks around for this, which he must.
And what’s a little rent money if it keeps the peace? Is it the lesser of two problems? it’s only money.
I found myself suddenly very sad last night. Ate a huge meal of shrimp fettucine for comfort. I need to save some money right now for future plans. Now Ill be stuck here without wiggle room. There’s something been brewing and I know it, and it pisses me off . . which may be why this stuff with my friend has loomed out of proportion . . . there is no one in THIS town I can turn to. Im on my own. I must make good decisions, keep my mind clear, and try not to provoke any bad feeling by saying too much, or emoting too much,
it’s not fair, so O.K. so it’s not fair. Time to just deal with things from a survival perspective in mind . . what best serves my survival here. and that, codependent weakness , great sin or not, is going ahead and paying that damn rent.