May 2013

4 05 2013

Lion eyesMay 4th  Market day.  At last no rain! alas alack, no Darrell either.  Nowhere to be found.  He just got his community housing lined up . . and hes off running around ( i think) and will probably miss out on it.  That’s just too much!!  Roar!!!!!

Letter from Kate but no time to go into it today.

May 5th

Did alright at the market.Everyone was out to take in the music, eats and vendors and pleasent good times.    Ran into many people i hadnt talked to in a while . Two men friends i hadnt seen in a long time had had serious surgeries and had lost about 100 pounds a piece . . makes me realize the passage of time and how fragile everything we take for granted is.  Still no word from Darrell and now that the frustration has disapeared the feeling of barrenness has set in . . why do we nourish our angers instead of the one we love??  In hindsite we begin to see it . . the choises we made and how it drove love away from us.

Darrell's work and karen's beadworkDarrell's prints and karen's beadworkHat Lady and Darrell SpottedHorse display 5-2013close up of our table    rosettes

May 6  Yesterday had to be one of the most agonizing days days of my life.  One of Darrell’s friends told me Darrell was staying with ‘that other girl.’ now.

it’s one thing to know,  that some one is pulling away, and another when it actually happens.  No one is talking to me much or giving me any straight answers.  I guess the Saturday market was the last act of The Hat Lady and Chief . . . . it was Sunny on Saturday and the crowds, the relaxed enjoyment and music was all there . . but it was all too late.  why couldnt it have stopped raining weeks ago when we set up together , two or three times only to be met with rain, cold and dissapointment. when our hopes were hanging by a thred and needed shoring up.   Darrell would have enjoyed the market.  Now . . . I will not be writting about him all the time. so everyone will be happy . . . there will be nothing much to write about at all, so there will be very little of Karen’s ‘dangerous’ and ‘toxic’ journaling.  Only churning things over and figuring things out.  I will not love again.  there is no one else . . Darrell was a complicated and deep personality, he had deep feelings and passions . . he was never superficial.

all i got from people when i inquired where he was at was fuck off, dont bother me, are you supid or what . . . . . .its normal, when youve been together as long as we were, to feel bad.  people ought to respect that a little.  Darrell ought to respect it enough to at least give me a call . . . . instead of everyone ganging up .  Why do they all want me to be seperate, isolated andconvinced of my unlovability.  Are there so many people consumed with bitterness, jealousy, totalitarianism of ideation, grudges, so many people who have no one to snuggle with??  Was our stuff, to qoute one of the ‘inmates ‘ here . .TOO good?

Monday evening. exhausted!  I got back into life this morning. Made myself feel better by buying some new summer outfits and getting a haircut and a swim in. This is women’;s traditional way of healing from the ‘other woman’ or the just been dumped blues.  it did make me feel a lot better to look more attractive. It was hot out today! later i went to the food bank and brought back a haul of good stuff. Later i went to my group.      Yes . . i found darrell, down in the park, smirking about running away for 4 days and evasive as to exactly where he’d been . . I think bill was just trying to yank my chain about Darrell’s ‘other girl friend’ he was probably just camped out.  I had lunch with him and micheal without any sour words . Im too tired to go chasing around for him tonight.  I have much to do this week.  I need to buy some spandex and cotten yarn for head bands and start making some earrings.

5-11I finally found out what my psychiatric diagnosis was . . .P.T.S.D, with major depression and anxiety panic without agora phobia.  Nothing what so ever about any charecter disorder, or personality disorder or anything like that.  so who has been sooo cavilier about defining Karen, what unqualified person has been doing this shit?? i can think of one person for sure.   i can live with the kind of diagnosis that got me the sopcial security, there is hope. its treatable with change, stress rduction and time.

I may be taking off soon for something I am looking forward to, but i do not want to disclose it  right now.  I have Darrell stashed at the house recovering . . i cant believe i am doing this for that piece of  . . after what he did to me but I had a vision that told me to have compassion. yes.  it was a half dream state, almost asleep and i heard mr. G , a Sheik man who runs the convernience store down on Holly.  He was talking to me about compassion in this dream, or vision . . and it was so real.  I had fallen asleep troubled by the movie ‘excorsism of emily rose’ and the questions it posed about the reality of demons.  later,after the dream,  i awoke and was leaning out the balcony over looking the back yard, watching the sun go down and a large eagle began to circle above me.  so i guess you could call this an unexpected return of mysticism into my life just when i was feeling a great agnostic emptiness about life’s purpose. so i took compassion on Darrell, whom I was so angry with and brought him in to heal up.

he had I found out,been with a couple of girls in that motel room, while I did the market last saturday and according to the manager of that motel he can never, ever rent there again . . what she described was vile  and about as disqusting as it could be.  shit and blood  . . .I was horrified and disgusted . . and so angry.but i wont write about it now.

there is a bug problem with one of my  neighbors and she is insisting i spray . . the implication is that my housekeeping is sending the bugs over to her place . .shes really hostile about this, swearing she will transfer if I don’t . . she doesn’t want to just repell the vermin, she sais, shewants to KILL, KILL , KILL them. again, I will write more on that later, but need to do other things at the moment.

Monday

Dallass is in Bellingham.  He tried to call last night and worm his way over but Darrell cut it dead and advised me to keep the doors locked.  It turns out to be a good decision to have brought him in off the streets, despite the disqusting episode with two local pigs at the motel ( I haven’t confronted him about this yet) .

Had Darrell been on the street he would have been vulnerable to Dallass’s manipulations and ‘rescue’.  No doubt Dallass is on a mission.  We both know this.  I knew something  like this was in the planning a few weeks ago,and now it appears to be show down, camp out at the O.K. corral.  I slept really well last night non the less,secure that because Darrell was blocking  this and there by protecting me, i was safe.  So we are protecting each other again, baracaded away. . which is pretty much the way it always was, from some pretty intense drama. We have to use our heads and thankfully we are not drinking but on a very different tragetory right now . . .call it karma, if you believe in karma . . . . but there is a connection between the dream I had about Mr. G and my desicion to act from compassion rather than tough love or anger( despite the two Bellingham pigs who left that motel room full of shit, blood and god knows what else  while i ,the ” bad’ one. the ‘exposed ‘ one , the’ vile woman’, the ‘ evil one’ to be shunned, the ‘despised’ one was busy selling artworks and crochetted florets) and the way the Dallass drama is playing out now. the exorcism of Darrell SpottedHorse . . .  You have to know your own strenghtth.

Tuesday

Have been doing heavy cleaning. cleaned out cupboards, Moved out an old dresser and moved in two new ones. Went through all my clothes.  Stripped the floor and put new wax on it . . a job that took pert near all day.  No word from Dallass.  Darrell has a meeting with community housing on Friday and Am trying to keep him as content as i can so that he wont take off and ruin it again.  Once he makes that appointment its all clear sailing for him . . they are also reconsidering his s.s.i ruling based on reccomendations from professional social workers.   He almost walked out last night . . . he found some little decoration that I found in the lunch room and threw it at me saying’here’s that thing your  black guy gave you’  so much hate and racism in these accusations . . as if it were the worst thing he level at a woman. The most vile implication he could imagian. he’s so sick.  And dangerous.     I promised myself i wouldn’t get mad mention the girls in the motel room but at this point i did.  How dare you treat me like that after the shit you pulled!! Of course he denied it . . i was the bitch for suggesting that , I reminded him that the motel owner had made the report to me and said he was never to come back there because of his behaviour. So it was public knowlege by now.   caught in a lie.  He got dressed to take off  and I coaxed him down . . we are so close to getting that housing for him, so these things must be overlooked for now in the interest of peace and stability. I think it was addiction that was calling him, or perhaps he really did want to hook up with Dallass . . . .so I promised him pot if he stayed.  It takes a smart and tough woman to navigate this one.   Much to do today.  I still have the oven left ( silence the dirty oven??)  one closet and the livingroom carpet.  Need to get to the Gym and that’s about it on my roster.  Still waiting to hear from kathy about my ‘trip’.  probably within a day or so

Wednesday

STILL no word from Kathy. We did the livingroom carpet yesterday . . . what a chore!!.  Darrell continues to blow up over nothing . . .temper tantrum after temper tantrum . . 2 more days.  If i can just hold out 2 more days, keep him sober and don’t let myself self get upset.  this morning I was cooking breakfast . . “everything you cook is shit.” he starts off.  Then refusing to eat .  2 more days!!  trying not to get stressed out.  I know its not going to last 2 more days . . it would be too good to be true if he actually got that housing . . he will fuck it up some how, storm out, blame it on me, get people blaming me.

Friday

So sleepy!! it’s lazy weather but the house is all cleaned ( except for the noisy oven) and Darrell is off to his appointment in much happier spirits. We went out for an early breakfast at the horse shoe . . buckwheat pancakes, just like old times. We havent drank at all in two weeks . . i hope he calls me up later and says he has the keys to his new apartment. My fingers are crossed.  We did good the past two weeks, or at least I did . . I didn’t fuck up ONCE!!  AIM would have been astonished.    I am full of bug bites from some thing and i don’t know what it is.  I hope its not bed bugs or fleas or worse that darrell brought back.  They are eating me up but arent touching Darrell.  i told him they decided he doesn’t taste good.  He told me that was racist . . bugs dont discriminate.  But, depending on individual chemistry they do pick on one person in a household and will  leave another person entirely alone.

I just had an idea.  One lady on my floor made a suggestion the other day about how to deal with all my troubles.

“Why.” she asked me, in her matronly , grandmotherly way,”Don’t you just get a gun sweety.”  That prompted a strange dream about visiting Dan Sullivan and an even weirder flight of imigianation.

I could shoot Darrell and leave the body to rot in my apartment.  After a while, in this sleepy ripe spring weather there would indeed be a Vermin problem. My neighbor has a thing about roaches?  That’s nothing compared to what’s in store. Darrell likes to explode all over the place?  We can make that happen, naturally.    it is a fun fantasy . . .

and it shows too the dramatic shift in public sentiments these days . . . despite the school shootings and Boston marathon, a surprising amount of people and a surprising sort of people want to arm themselves.

Right now the administration is under fire for IRS targeting of conservative and tea party ‘enimies.’  That’s so tip of the ice berg . . so namby pamby compared to what has really been going on against private citizens.    Back in 2001 or so I was under attack from conservative hysteria, my politics at the time were far to the left and very sympathetic to native and other oppressed peoples issues .So i was no fan of the right, . .  but what the left , both liberal and green did to me, after gleaning everything they could through illegal wiretapping and hacking ( years  before I put my journals on line) was so horrific that i lost my activist zeal a long time ago. If the conservatives ever revealed what really happened here , the degree of criminality, the deliberate hate fest  liberals engaged in towards me to win controll of Minnesota hearts and minds . . the way i was demonized, persecuted, and so on . . . they would have those guys out so fast . . . . . . . the principal being that individual citizens have the right to privacy, self determination, freedom of thought, assembly, and expression according to our consittution  . . and people in power cannot decide to murder people they ‘don’t like . . . .or make their lives unlivable through social disinformation and harrasement and intimadation. However . . one must be skeptical about the conservatives taking ethical umbrage over this now . . . after all, pro isreali groups do the same sort of thing, and the Neo cons . . . .well, i donjt even want to think about Neo Cons.  I have a feeling there will be a little slap on the wrist, a little discomfort coming at the administration but it will not become catistrophic . . . .it may however, unite the republicans and tea partiers.

Later

Darrell toured a possible apartment and is thinking about taking it , even though it is quite small, since it is open immediately.  I hope so.  i found out today that  all the money i tried so hard to save for him is gone.  He spent it all, all 500 bucks on crack at that motel . . which explains the report i got from the manager. all that effort i went through . . to finace a bunch of crack, dang it, at the expense of my time and energy.  I had to pick up the peices.    That so disqusts me that I can no longer stand a minute more  . . that’s  the last straw and he must know this or he wouldn’t have done it . . . I am waiting day by day now for him to get the keys and for kathy to call me so I can move on from this and shut the door.  that means erasing many people from facebook pages and so on.

Sunday

dream

I was walking a woman into the outdoors.  it was sun shiney. i was guiding and protecting her.   The woman appeared to have been in car accident or something.  She was all scarred and stiched up, like a rough patchwork mrs. Franken stein . . she was moving very slowly, dazed and damaged.

notes.  The dream probably represents myself.

Darrell resting up.  tommarrow he meets with community housing.  I scored a 2008  Dell computer today and an older dell  lap top too.  A woman just got brand new computers and didn’t want to hassle with selling the old . . what luck!! I just happened to be there when she brought them down.   So we have computers now after all . . . only problem is I dont have the passwords!! there is a way around that but some one will have to show me, i don’t know. Won’t that be great to be able to listen to satellite radio or pandora in my own apartment!!  Darrell too . . he has chosen the lap top for himself. That ought to keep him home once its set up . . IF its set up . . need to find some one computer savy. maybe all we can do is play games on them but even that is good . . .free entertainment, also I can do my journaling now on the home computer . . . i could have been using a disc or thumb drive down here at the public computer i suppose and spared myself troubles . . but all that is neither here or there.

Will was not sounding good at all this morning when he came down to the computers . . not so very long ago he was the self appointed sherrif.  Now he has lung cancer . . in just the space of a few weeks i can hear the difference.Frightening.   Once again i am reminded of fragile the health and well being we take for granted is . . of how swiftly things like cancer can strike one. Three people that I have known not so long ago have had major battles with cancer recently and it has shocked me.  Everytime I have a bit of constipation or hemmoroids, or indigestion i worry and wonder if this is IT.  And at this age it very could be.

Monday

!!Darrell got his apartment!!

After all these years!! Dont know if he will get the keys today but certinaly within the next couple of days.  This is a turning point!! No one can fully realize the impact this has on me.  other people smile politely . . . that’s nice, big deal, everyone gets an apartment . . . . but for me this ordinary thing is the first monolith of sanity in many years . . . . .I am free now.  And Darrell is his own master.  I pulled for him for so long, sheltered him, kept him healthy and rested, in clean clothes, in art supplies, printing and publishing  and promoting his art . . . and i took so much crap.  These young social workers act as if they have finally saved the day and gotten him away from . . that woman!! She’s finally out of the picture after all these years that WE tried to seperate them!!

Now I am thinking of doing vocational rehab . . this is the time while i have some s.s.a and time and quiet to myself to study . .  . All those years i was robbed of . . the things I never visited, the lifestyle i was never free to choose. The gracefull life.  The sail boats i never sailed.  The islands i never visited.  The hikes i never took. Now I will do them. i sound like a mother.   I never had children  in my younger days, never had the burdens when other women did and never learned the lessons of what matters to most men  and women . I was searching for myself, for self expression and meaning untill it made a mess of me and put me in the heart of murderapolis  and i met Darrell. . its was in my later years that all that caught up with a vengence and i took on the parental like  care of a chronicly addicted, astonishingly talented disabled man from another culture, traditional at war with my own, during a time of great political and social division and orwillian mind controll . . . pay back for my reckless and selfish youth.  Life has a way of balncing things out. funny how that is.

i have not been drinking for weeks . . and even though there was beer in the house last night i really didn’t want it after the first coupkle of swallows.  I want to have clear mind now, and i want to use it.  We are both entering a new and happier future. Some day it will be recognized . . .the struggle we went through.  But then perhaps not. In the end, all that art will live on for other generations to see.

Tuesday

Cold and Rainy.  Justin brought over 14 pounds of cod yesterday so we had fish and chips and a shrimp and mussel fettucine .  best meal in ages, it really made my day to recieve all that delicious fish . . . I miss Trident, the people there were so astute.  i can’t help but think  that it is generousity coming back around.  And that brings up the discussion on karma once again.  let’s just say i feel reinforced in my better views of humanity.  At least, that hummanity from India. Thank you Justin!! i shared with my neighbors and several people were made happier last night.

Darrell signed the papers for his apartment but it don’t know how long the processing will take.  Im off to pick up my bike from the shop.

i still have little bite marks or rash or whatever the hell it is that’s been eatting me up . . it’s not scabies and just to pacify my neighbor i had my apartment sprayed so i shouldn’t have bed bugs or fleas . . and i found only a few tiny roaches when i cleaned my cupboards out . . . . so WHY am I having problems with bug bites all of a sudden??  Perhaps that vibe that i give off that reads “easy mark’ , ‘softy’, ‘target’ also extends to bugs  when i am feeling stressed or vulnerable.  The things I do to pacify people ,jeeeez.  Seems like that’s all i do. After the apartment was sprayed  i returned to find the top of the stove propped up revealing some smutz Id overlooked.  Floors were spotless. carpets spotless. toilet spotless, stove pans spotless . . the one thing I over look ‘EXPOSED”!!  Kare’s filth exposed!!!  there it was . . proof of the kind of woman she really is!!  I hope everyone is done with this surge of nonsense now. Now that ive ingested poisonous spray and gotten bitten alive from some one elses fleeing bugs.

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