June 2013

2 06 2013

“Well”, Darrell said “you’ve survived.”
Survived.
“Like her, he didn’t buy the Nietzchean line that whatever didn’t kill you made you stronger. Sometimes whatever didn’t kill you left you disfigured and dibilitated for the rest of your life instead of killing you. mere survival was neithe here or there. It was the manner of survival, what you DID with whatever didn’t kill you.” from  Glen Duncan from ‘A day and a night and a day.

June 6

I have wanted to qoute and write about Glen Duncan’s book for a week now, ive been turning every sentance in my mind like some exquisite chocolate.  Many thoughts that have benn planted but today is not the day. I cant remember when i have liked a book so much.

today I am covered in scabies creme.  the Benedryl and hydrocortizone treatment for hives did not work.  Even though the pattern does not fit all the symptoms of scabies there are a few . . like it getting worse at bedtime so today i must re clean my house while i stew in this medication that is supposed to paralize the critters and kill their eggs. So I am re washing all those freshly washed bed and lvingroom stuffs, pillows, blankets etc . . .and then off to the store to get some flea and critter tyope powder for the chair and floor . . just in case it’s not scabies.  i think the chair was contaminated when i got it second hand because sitting in that chai8r always makes it worse.  i felt like i was being eaten alive last night.  I have also not ruled out the possibility that this is pschosomatic . . after all I suffered hemmoroids not too long ago ( pain in the ass) be fore the hives ( getting under my skin) . . . but we are narrowinging this down slowly.  it is not as i thought a reaction to the spraying . . it may however be a reaction to the attitudes that arose that made the spraying such a synmbol of collective hate.

Hives Diary! 006 Hives Diary! 007

There is much going on.  Darrell recieved his last Salazar payment. He took off and spent about 500 of it in one night, a lot of it on crack . . which he denies using.  ho9wever i went down to the park day before yesterday since it was a hot and sunny day and i had crochetting to do and wanted to get away from what ever was causing the rash . . . at the park i was there when some one came and talked to Darrell about crack sales.  He has been drinking non stop.  2-11 when he is at my [place . . and of course there is always that threshold when his eyes get dark and the accusations begin and he heads out . . . blaming me.  He also recieved his s.s.i back payment so he has had money to burn.  Most of it on his friends on the street but i high jacked his card long enough to print of a bunch of art and cards for the future.  Ha also bought me a used computer that makes me happy . . and a pair of prescription sunglasses.  His housing is dragging out . . his worker had an aprtment for him but is now  looking for a ‘good one’ . . meanwhile i am waiting and waiting for this to finally resolve itself before something bad happens . . . why cant he just take a studio  for now and get a one bedroom later?  Because he is moving Rhonda out here!!  so i have to put up with the heavy drinking . . . i too have had a couple of episodes . . but its been about a week since i had anything . . I keep going over to West Coast and inquiring WHY they are dragging their feet about getting me into inpatient pronto as promised.  I have to be forcefull now . . Ive waited long enough.

I guess the Mayor is really upset that the drunks have taken over the park and no one else will go there any more . . nor will many, many people go downtown because of all the riff raff . . .Ive written before about all that over the years and my bafflement at the Bellingham Police priorities . . the seem to pick on the weakest, most helpless drunks and let the ‘ring leaders’ slide who keep this  . semi cult going.they praise Darrel lfor being too smart to get caught.  meanwhile he slips deeper and deeper into crack addiction and non stop drinking.  Dallas continues to call but Darrell still is not answering the phone.  Eventually Darrell will get into his apartment but this interum period is tough on me.  it seems to delight the meanest instincts of people here in town who chuckle behind my back . . but Im not hurting any more, not dissapointed in Darrell any more the way i was last year when i tried and tried to make a life for us with some beauty and creativity teamwork.  There is no more team work.  it is not what this region wanted and they shot it down.  It is such a loss but they don’t know it.

I have some things to say too about the media thing as i call it.  of course they refuted my account of things . . claiming that this ‘feeding frenzy’ was an expected reaction to my attack writtings and style over the years .  This is not true but i dont have the time to write things out in detail now . . but that is what people do, deny that they ever do anything in malice( we dont do things like that, we dont go after people for who they are,only the behavior) it is always a response to a provocation or bad behavior.  I got news . . most of my provocation was simply breathing.  Just being there.  Not dying. Or not  moving when i was bullied by people who expect their nuerotic problems to be catered to. it took a lot to get me to write about some of what i percieved . . i took a lot before i said boo. Most of this ‘provocation’ is trumped up.  Everyone who beat a child to death was ‘provoked’.  Everyone who abused thier wife was’provoked.’ every murder was in some sense ‘provoked’ in the eye iof the murderer.  Every rape . . .every lynching , every act of rage is explained as ‘being provoked’.  that means nothing

(later) I completely forgot that I have a home computer now that I can use for documents. Not hooked up for internet though. Im going to switch for a while.

Monday

The disadvantage to the home computer is that Darrell can read my documents, so Im back to this one.   The scabies creme did not work.  Im still in misery from all the fresh outcroppings of blistery welts.  Nothing is working.  Darrell is better now that he sent off money to his kids and was assured as to Rorys safety, all that made him feel good and he is back to being the Darrell i recognize and love . . not the Darrell owned by the street.  I had a lot of fun at the market this weekend.New June Hats 2013 pics of Karen 006New June Hats 2013 pics of Karen 005

Karen and Paula at booth May 2013     Havving troubles with people moving  in on my space though . . sitting around next to me and stuff and that really influences sales.  But i got lots of complimentsmohair and silk hat June 2013.       close up of ribbon trimI made up a bunch of Darrell’s cards (out of his own money) and prints and I am hoping that he will be well enough to make it to the Stommish fest this weekend.  We were going to set up but there is no way to haul all the tables and things out there without a car or truck, much less protect it over night.

Had  a dream last night.

I was [part of a survival type show in Alaska.  My task, along with my team members was to build a shelter to protect us and the animals as well before night fall so we wouldnt freeze to death.  I found some materials and started building what was kind of a snow fort-house.  I was really proud of myself for my problem solving on this, i was the one with all the ideas.     later i attended a dinner for the team.  At the dinner one lady got up to the podium to speak and denounced me and requested that i be removed from the team because of my ‘low moral conduct’.  This astonished me as nothing of that sort had occured,everything had been all business. and i had expected some kind of recognition rather than a shunning.  i realized that this woman was  jealous because this survival adventure had been filmed and she hadn’t been present and she had wanted to take my place.  her husband ( he had a long beard) was one of the team members.  i went to his table and asked him to say something in my defense  but he said he didnt want to get involved and i realized that he was really weak and cowardly despite the frontiersman outdoorsy beard and clothes.    i turned to the woman in a fury . . it was one of those dreams where you are so angry and you want to kill some one and your trying to scream at them but your ineffective in the dream.

boy, that dream just about summed it all up.  Dreams can be funny that way.

it’s freezing down here so Im headed back.  Much to do today.  I have a meeting at Westcoast and a dr. appointment for test and stuff and planned parenthood . . im getting all that stuff taken care of that you are supposed to, the pap, the colonoscomy, mamogram etc . . . in addition to trying out different medications for the rash, which aren’t working. i went to the first session of vocational rehab about a week ago and i dont meet with a personal counselor untill the 3rd.  id rally hoped to have the inpatient ( my way of getting away) and the housing for Darrell thing straightened out before then.

Tuesday

Internet is now set up at home.new computer!! 001  it’s good.  I put KlND radio from Standing Rock in favorites for Darrell along with other Native radio sites but he says he wants nothing to do with MY computer.  he’s bitter because i took back the i pad . . i think that was a mistake although i thought it was wise at the time.  i guess it really hurt him and thats why all the bad stuff happened after that.  He has his appointment tomarrow to look at another apartment.  He’s distant and almost angry with me tonight although Ive picked no quarrells.  IAM glad to see him returning to the cognizant Darrell i love, however onery.

Wednesday 11

Hmmm. I wrote quite a bit yesterday in a satirical vein but it seems to have disappeared.  Darrell is out, day 2 in the park.  He told me yesterday that he had gone through ALL his money.  That is inconceivable to me.  He either was ripped off, iraational in his generosity or just plain stupid.  he is sooo fucked up.  it was always me that kept him from being so fucked up, not the cause.  They were soooo wrong and now everything is showing that.  I had plenty to say about it yesterday.  I mean we are talking about 4000 dollars. he just got that money .. and a bank account.  Then he was accusing ME of stealing it. Everyone up here is obsessed with KARMA . . . perhaps this is theirs.

(Later) I am still miserable with yet more hives despite a change in treatment.

Karen, worn out from hives and meds     hives!

Monday.

Busy day.  Went to whatcom counseling today to see if there was a stress component to the rash and if anti anxiety med could be prescribed.  Doubt it.  They are good at centralizing all info . . . but then i knew that.

later i went back to planned parentho0d for my check up, many years over due.  Nothing negative so far.  Kathy called: I have a move planned but I must get an O>K> from the doc saying I have nothing contagious.  That means they probably have to take a skin scraping or something and that takes time. Darrell came home here to detox and now he is out again on a hate trail . . . he was being nasty and abusive  when he got up today and when i returned from my appointments he accused me one more time of something and i replied that I was just praying for the day he got his place and got out of here . . wrong thing to say . . . wish i could take it back but he is gone.  I wasnt getting any love any more and  people were still expecting me to shoulder all this stuff at risk to my self while they took their sweet time about getting him his own place.  I was feeling so much anger, which i tried to put aside because i was waiting and waiting and waiting for that ship of rescue to come in, any day they said, any day . And it just didnt untill it was way way too late.  The cops have been sweeping the park in drug raids , so they say in the papres but the same old people ar eout there so i assume they brought people in for a short spell, like they did with Darrell and released them and then trumpeted their arrests to smooth down the ruffled feathers.

Darrell spent so much of his money on what ever it was it spent it on, his kids what ever and we could have gone to Stommish with a bunch of cards and stuff.  Now it is my turn to be selfish.  he might die.  and then, I will die that’s the way it’s written.

It’s never any ones fault for pussyfooting around.  it HAS to be Karen’s fault.

Thursday

A good day.Much less stressed.  We had fun with the home computer.  new computer!! 002 new computer!! 003

Darrell is playing the slots for fun and is getting the hang of facebook.  I am enjoying satellite radio and doing up some play lists.  Ive been cooking up a lot too the past few days.

I have new medication for the hives,some steroid creme but i have been feeling even worse.The hives seem to be worse so i began a HIVES DIARY recording what I eat and what chemicals i come in contact with and so on.  Darrell was approved for his housing . . Yeah!! so now it’s a go.

FINALLY!!!

I have had some interesting dreams.

dream one.

I am part of a pit band.  I have just found out they will be doing Fiddler on the Roof.  i walk up to the director and say ” Your going to be needing a second violin”  He told me he already had a second violin for the duet.  I replied that he would still need more violins. we wer sitting side by side and I began to lean a little bit on his shoulder and he did not shrug me off and our fingers meshed.  He had long blond hair in this dream.  Just then, Darrell who was sleeping beside me threw a leg over meand i woke up.

dream two.

I ran into a guy who was part fox. he looked human but he had some fox in him.  They called him the fox man.  He looked like Brad Pitt.  i asked him how it was that he became half fox and he said he did’t want to go into the story.  i told him he did not look like he had any fox charecteristics and this displeased him.  We were in some sort of irish pub , with all kinds of big shots hanging around.  The behavior of this guy started to become more and more fox, untill he had regressed completely into a fox and had become very destructive.

dream 3

I went into what looked like club house near where i lived, sort of a wooden shack.  All kids of rough charecters were there, some looked like teenage runaways.  They said Chief ( Darrell) had been there and had had all kinds of sex adventures with them.  This made me very , very angry and i started yelling at them and picked up a weapon.

notes

dream one harkens back to Highschool days when i actually did play first chair second violin and played a duet with Jamie who was first chair.

dream two. The blond guy who looks like Brad Pitt signals some kind of romantic  interest but resembles no one i know.  I was disapointed when Darrell woke me up from this dream by throwing a leg over me just as my fingers meshed with this romantic interest . . . since I have had no interested suitors in a long, long, long time. This romantic interest (half fox) goes feral.  This may have something to do with my view of Darrell.  I had been listening to celtic music yesterday.

The group in the wooden house is clearly “his crowd” as i see them.  They seem to know so much more about him than I do and I am very hurt and I have a lot of anger at this when they tell me of his affairs.

(later) O.K. . .probably not scabies, at least not now . . although they say the itching etc . . continues for up to two weeks after treatment.  I have been finding ticks . . and yes, some bed bugs.  The ticks were probably brought in by Darrell after his camping out.  he says the girls next door have got bed bugs.  I did not ask how he knows this but this is the plan.  he will move for sure now into his new apartment soon and when he does the birds and myself will stay with him a few days while we bomb this place.  And I mean bomb the shit out of my apartment. Drone the place.  Gas it.   Doc says i cant go anywhere untill he is certian I am not contagious . . but he is treating me for the hives.  I have decided to go vegan as I can for the remainder of this week, starting today. Also yoga and mediatation every day.  I began to feel much better after I did so yesterday.  Also i am going to take pictures of my skin problems and document everything . . and post it, to the embarressment of everyone involved if it does not start improving.

Darrell is happy now and excited about his move, the best thing that has happened to him in about 20 years . . . he is moving into a nice place, nicer and bigger than my Hud housing shit hole. So he is thinking of all the ways he will decorate.  I too,( if I return after the bombing raid )will redecorate . . with  Japanese prints  and the works of many artists I like.

i guess I will have to ge a new bed.

Sunday 24th

had a good day at the market yesterday.  I can tell Darrell is feeling guilty about all my skin problems . . he cleaned the bed room from top to bottom with bleach and once again we washed all clothes and bedding.  I am set to leave as soon as this crap clears up, which it does not seem HivesDiary007   HivesDiary005 Hives Diary! 006

likely it ever will.  Next step . . an allergist i guess.  I guess the thought in the back of my mind has been . . have I been deliberately poisened in some way, say when they came around and sprayed?  or am I in my anger blaming others for my distress.  Not blaming . . yet, just wondering some times. After all, many things were being expressed at the time that suggest this.   Most likely all this is inadvertant.  As we get older our immune systems aren’t what they used to be . especially under stress.  There may have been too many chemicals in my home environment from all the intensive cleaning i was doing, and the spraying.  It’s also apparent that I am not BLAMING . . when i say i believe that Darrell was bringing in pests from the outside.  Most of the time when he came in from a drinking binge with ‘the boys’ he would crash and wouldn’t shower for a couple of days . . pretty awfull behaviours, not only pschologically but apparently healthwise too.  It was deliberate . a deliberate trampling of me and my space and “I don’t care about you enactment.”  Now he says he will not drink anymore . . now that it’s his place, his space instead of mine.  Everything is going to be all right . . the way it ‘used to be’ so he says.

I am excited about the vocational rehab I am supposed to be starting on July 3rd.  This s.s.a may not last for long . . .there will probably be cuts in the future, especially when a new administration gets into office.  I want to have a new set of skills to bring to the work place.  Im good at a number of things that give me an edge and so the trick is capitalise on those strengths.  However, if this inpatient thing actually does come through, even though I am not having a problem with alchohol right now, I will take it and post pone the vocational rehab.

Monday

Rash is worse and painfull as hell.  Im going crazy, so I document my ugly legs one more time.  yesterday I was joking with Darrell about the rash and said in jest. “Maybe I’ve been poisoned.: His reaction was peculiar.  He didn’t laugh and looked at me funny.  That got me wondering . . could it be possible?  This morning for the first time i tuned into Alex Jones and what were  they talking about . . .people being poisoned!  The Hastings murder!! How they really do kill people who try to whistle blow.  Just what I need to hear. Also talking about surleillence . . how our t.v. boxes are are wquipped with listening and monitoring devices. I knew this from personal experience a long while ago but was riduculed for saying so.  Now everyone is aware of this stuff.

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Tuned into mainstream media and it’s about Puala Deen . . the new evil one .  Admittedly, her comments were dumb .   Another celebrity bites the dust . . . . I think there are people who lay in wait, who monitor every word of people who represent something apposed to their controll . . .sooner or later everyone says something that can be construed as racist, or nasty or angry or just plain dumb.  I heard over the years such unbelievable stuff said about me,and acted on against me . . not paranoia , but because it was from the left it doesnt count as hate speech.

“Karen is kind of a subhuman.” is not plain dumb .? . yet this is what the young mainstream women were saying all the time.  The subliminal messages will kill you . . .the only way to survive is to continue to do good, even if no one seens or knows or believes this.

Tuesday

“Some of what is driving this hostility from some media figures is personal bitterness. Some of it is resentment over my having been able to break these big stories not despite, but because of, my deliberate breaching of the conventions that rule their world.

But most of it is what I have long criticized them for most: they are far more servants to political power than adversarial watchdogs over it, and what provokes their rage most is not corruption on the part of those in power (they don’t care about that) but rather those who expose that corruption, especially when the ones bringing transparency are outside of, even hostile to, their incestuous media circles.

They’re just courtiers doing what courtiers have always done: defending the royal court and attacking anyone who challenges or dissents from it. That’s how they maintain their status and access within it. That’s what courtiers to power, by definition, do.”  Greenwald

Wednesday

supposed to continue on another 2 weeks with the same treatment, eliminate strawberries, fish, wheat and all chemicals . . also do what i have to do to get rid of any bed bugs.  Looks like bed bugs might be the culpret. i did up the hives diary all last week but the doc didnt look at it.  Too busy fro that stuff i guess but It may provide some insights and connections   for me,  funny that Darrell does not get any bites.  His immune system must be stronger.  He is mighty happy to be getting his own place.  I am feeling pretty good today.  Eager to get back into doing things again.

Thursday

Sometimes my nit picking Darrell can be such an unexpected sweetheart.  last night he sat up all night picking off bed bugs as i slept. My problem was identified finally as bed bugs which for some unexplained reason chose to chow down mightly on me(feeding frenzy) while leaving the great chief intact.  Either he did not taste good,wasn’t as tender and soft as my pink flesh or even the lowest critters acknowlege his greatness and leav ehim alone.  Last night we kept the lights on,took off all the covers and kept a jar by the bed. I slept in long sweatstucked into my socks and a long sleeve jacket.  Every hour or so Darrell came in and searched the sheets for any bugs and put them into a jar. All night he did this for me, sat up all night to keep them off me. 

We had a fine breakfast.  Douglas Spotted Elk on Pandora, home made juice and salsa and cinnamon swirl french toast.  Today we are going to put some rubbing alchohol in a spray bottle,which kills bed bugs on contact and spray at intervals.My turn to keep watch tonight.  Then buy some plastic matress covers and then housing, who came by to collect my jar of bugs will do whatever they have to do to get rid of these critters.  If Darrell gets his place this weekend I can go over there immediately untill this miserable nightmare is over.  Ive had poison oak before so bad that my doc said it was the worst he ever saw . . and this was worse.  A whole month of enjoying the June summer wasted sitting around, letharic and depressed from the antihystmines. But no . a the world is opening up to us in a new way, new paths . . . the dark moods have been replaced with joy.

(an hour later)  Oh my god! I brought in a bug man and we found the source.  I have 3 mattresses one atop the other because of back problems which require a higher bed.  I had found nothing between the top two matresses when i checked and put plenty of zodiak powder there to make sure.  But i didnt look between the bottom two and oh my god . . it was disqusting.  The guys will be here in an hour and kill those mf’s that have been creeping out and eatting me.

The hive’bug mystery has been solved.

Friday   the bed was removed and the place sprayed big time. I spent the afternoon by the creek doing beadwork with Darrell, watching the canadian geese and blue heron like it used to be peacefull, gentle comraderie, the park in full bloom.  Lavender was at its peak  everywhere and the blood orange tiger. lilies were brillient against a moody  sky.  How could a park that had been the source of so much of my unhappiness be so beautifull. Once it was a place of joy. For a brief few hours that joy was re captured.. Not long ago the police did a drug sweep and gathered up about35 or 40 people suspected of dealing drugs. I saw the video clip on u tube . . theyshowed the police rounding up the usual street Indians, and one black guy that looked more like a student than a drug dealer.  I see it as a publicity stunt . a smoothing down of the feathers, reassuring a concerned citizenry that they are doing their job .  I noted that a couple of the white guys who deal drugs are still about.  All this happened when Darrell was on his destructive tangent blowing all his money on drugs and shitting on me and others . . . lucky for him i brought him in, not so good for me.  he was muttering about finding ‘a dark place to hide’ during ll this community cleansing. ,Apparently my place was this dark place. When his potential manager called for a reference I gave Darrell a glowing one.  I lied and he got his housing.  It is now a go for Monday.  But this dragged on too long . . and its too late.

I am seriously being blamed today and my tenency is at risk, serious risk . . . mostly by my neighbor who has threatened to have me reported if i dont do what she wants. That means enforce the ban on Darrell or else.  So once again i feel obligated to comply . .that’s what started all this focus on karen’s apartment to begin with . . . my neighbor’s  bug problem.  She clearly blamed me, although there are other’s on my floor whose apartments are pig stys. . although i did not have cockroach problem  then . She ordered me to spray and to keep her happy I did so, and engaged in a massive cleaning project. I was pissed then that i had to do all that to cater to her and almost immediately after this rash began.Quite possibly when she sprayed her problem came over to my place   , now she is theatening me once again (Im asking you nicely) I will destroy you if you have your dirty boyfriend in this building this weekend, I will report you and you will be evicted..2days before Darrell gets his own apartment!! I can’t wait that long she insists.  I dont think I can tolerate it. .  and if i stand up for myself she says she’s not going to take any shit from me . . what shit?  I never even hang out with her, only curteosy conversation in the elevators   On Monday I will be taking off . . I am so sick of this energy . . . . and Im frightened by its intensity. its madness. Michele was screaming at me that i was dirty, that my aprtment was dirty.  Have you ever been there i asked her.  Once again I think it was Darrell who started all that . . . his obsession with my houskeeping, he yells at me from morning to night and thats about all he talks about with me now and has been spread a lot of alse gossip.  he’s been doing that for years and years.  Ive been writting about it for years and years but its useless to protest . . what makes this community so scary is that it reaches such intense proportions as a result. In fact it gets solidified as ‘truth’ and rpesented as such by the progressive media. That’s how deadly these people are . . they mean business.   I know that here at Lincoln square we have a population that is prone to group think , negative and cruel judgementalism and quite frankly a lot of really really ignorant and  stupid people.  If I really wrote about the full extent of it it would make my life much more of a misery than it is  so most of the time i try to ignore it.  But it’s always bad.  and sometimes, like now, it reaches hysteric proportions . . and perhaps actions, if indee my apartment has been oversprayed in malice.  That could be  construed as more than collective hate or regional insanity. . that could  attempted murder.  But it cant be proven.    why oh why didbugs have to come to my apartment? People ar saying Darrell brought them in from his low life adventures in filthy motels.   I know for a fact thatbed bugs  are in other apartments, and very very bad too . . why are these people not taking shit?? They havent been doing massive cleaning . . they have not called in the housing to do spraying and searchs as i have . . .I HAVE been responsible towards others. As much as i could.  its not like I just let this go on and on and kept it a secret .  i did tell people so that they could be carefull . . that IS being a responsible tenent. 

No . . . Once again I am cast in the role of the one who caused it all.  The problem. ( what are we going to do about karen)The contamininent . . now hysterics among the tenents are saying i delibertely tried to contaminate them by coming down to the lunch room . . it must be because i am evil, because i ‘hated’ them . . crazy people.  And dangerous.  They take everything inthis town and turn itupside down.  If anyone was deliberately ‘contaminated’ it was me . . . and made very sick by it, and the toxic chmicals brought in to spray (“nothing in here will remain alive”) .

Well I suppose all that was good and creative is now destroyed by this.  Just when I was on the cusp of finally, finally having my own place to myself, finally having peace. Finally being able to live the creative life. 

Darrell moves into his place on Monday.  Earlier today i was thinking “We have survived.” now . . . I am not so sure. it looks like they won.  He is very sick now . . with vomiting from the bed bugs.  I got the rash.  He got the vomiting.  I am better now.  much better. The rash is gone. and I am feeling healthy again.

Sunday. My last day here untill August.  Packing day.  Funny after all the many, many meals , the many many foot rubs . . all the life that came out of this nest . . all the artwork . . i feel so little emotion now.  I have a different sort of rash now . . not in reaction to the bed bugs but to the chemicals but i assume it will go away when I get out of here for a while.  It is a possibility hat I will not be able to return . . that my nest is just too uninhabitable now.  There is no guarantee that the infestation is gone, that it wont come back.  If i had time i would buy a couple of bombs and set them off when I leave.  Having wasted the lovely month of June sitting around unable to do anything,it looks like July will be wasted too.  I will miss my vocational rehab appointment. wont be able to do that after all. I can always stay . . i dont HAVE to go  . . I could stay at Darrell’s for a while . . . . but after the things he did to hurt me?????   Can i just excuse that??  Say that’s O.K.? 

Once apon a time . . . in Minneapolis a man and a woman,she  irish German from St. Cloud . . he A full blooded Hunkpapa  from S.D  met and began to pall around . . with no idea of what madness they would end up going through. 17 years later is it possilbe that, having gone through so much, they would part practically enimies??

(later) perhaps not.  Darrell tells me this morning that he loves me, I put up with his shit all this time . . . and when things were crucial I pulled for him . I guess I still love him too or I wouldnt hang with him.  Soon his family will be out here.  The Sioux are the most resistant to assimilation and gov. mind controll . . they dont editorialize bout it like wounded children who have just found out  . . they’ve always known.  They are, by example formidable resistance .  Their is a point behind the things that Darrell does. And the government knows it.   I just talked to Carol James, she was feeling so sad and defeated . . two more funereals in her family . . that’s 15 family deaths in 2 years, mostly cancer.  Cancer is killing off all the Indians in Lummi . . .she wonders if their might be something in the generic drugs they are given .  i inquired wether ther had been toxic dumping in the past . . say mercury.  Most of the Lummi used to fish, their intake of crab and fish from these wates is higher than that of others.  Again . . my thoughts go back to the topics that ‘extremist radio’ takes up . . . .wondering . She says government.  Deliberate Genocide.

and the alternative?  The ‘good people?’

Funny world we live in here when one of the local taverns is refered to “as the place wher all the serial killers hang out.”  think about it . . ALL the serial killers?  like they get together and have a few beers after work.  And this is said with a casualness, an everyday day acceptance that is startling . . . .Dana told me once it really is that way.  It is ‘normal’ here.

I wish I had time to go into my thoughts on the Paula Deen debackle  . . it’s important but I need to pack some stuff and get things redyso I can be brainwashed and have my free will taken away by serial killers who have gotten recovery. Joking. Maybe Ill stay with Darrell.

SPOKANE JOURNAL (PART ONE)

Spokane Journal
July 3rd
It’s hot in Spokane but chilly as hell in this shitty building Ive come to for inpatient. A really old, run down ex nursing home. A fenced in car port with a bench for a rec and smoke area.
All I wanted to do is sleep until today, when I went outside like a lizard to warm up for the first time.
Today we are doing the Myer Briggs personality test. I’m still an INTP but not as pronounced as I was the last time I took the test back in1988 or 89. Almost an INFP . . teetering indecisively on the fence which is like sitting on the fence of being good with abstract concepts with being sort of an enthused but rude German Philophy professorr or falling on the other side, a doofy mystic. There was one determining question I cant decide on that determined the difference.
I have been dreaming of Darrell. A lot fo searching dreams. I am try8ng to find him and when I do everything about ‘our space’ is uncertian. Not sure where I live or whether I am with him. Sometimes he is with another woman. At one point in the dream I was happy because he organized some old pictures which ment he valued them, then I discovered the panties of a young woman on the shower rod and I was furious.

I feel numb. Underwater. Every movement is difficult, as if I’d gone through major trauma I haven’t begun to process much less heal from. But I am beginning this process . . I am away from what was making me so sad for so long. I do not have to worry right now about the attitudes and aggressions of others. Im certain that this will be good for both of us. Darrell will have to regroup after our emeshment and become his own captian. He will busy putting his new place together, and be responsible for his own decisions and choices. I wonder how this is going? Perhaps he will miss me. Perhaps not. I made a wise move in crisis.
I don’t know if I can get into the heavy behaviorist programming here- my distrust has been much written of- but so far, it’s all been good, usefull information. I only iwsh there was more recreation.
Not much structured fun or free fun time . . NO fun time in fact, at all. Good thing Im an introvert, an INTP, it comes in handy in external fun deprivation. I had the foresuight to bring books,and beading. I’m not sure if the books ‘desire of the everlasting hills’ by Cahill, ‘Mohammed by karen Armstrong, and a few on secret societies fall into the INTP category or appeal more to the INFP, either way.
I’m still not feeling well at all. Still feeling as if I’ve been poisened. Painfull pins and needles all over all the time, ringing ears, head ache, nausea, itching and bone tired tiredness.
My rash is gone noe but my skin is all hard and bumpy . . perhaps this has something to do with the steroid crème? I must have been even sicker than I thought. Good thing I got away somewhere for a while to sort things out. At least I can eat, rest and if the rest of it is silliness and bullshit so what. It can be endured for a while.

Friday July 5
The nurse says that I have indeed been poisened but the neuropathy will lessen with time as it gets out of my system. She advises me to drink milk and rest.
I start4d working on the tread mill . 30 minutes a day. Today I will increase it. It’s the only piece of excersise equipment here.
I am starting to accept being here, it’s O>K> right now because all of the women WANT to be here and are engaged. Our group counselor looks like a chubby, happy chipmunk. Pouchy cheeks, big front teeth and huge expressive eyes . She seems cheerfull, in a perhaps passive aggressive way . . and nice. At least externally. Im not challenging anything right now, not even when one guy literally explained Genesis and the serpent and so on in relapse prevention. Im just glad I got away. Away from everything toxic, and Im not being figurative here. I could and would have gotten much sicker if I had stayed at my apartment. Perhaps I could have gone over to Darrells as he suggested after I helped him move but emotionally I just HAD to get away from the whole soup.
No news since I have been here, personal or at large. Reading “desire of the everlasting hills’ during my leisure. Love the way he writes.

Saturday
Rest day. Still not feeling too good. A bad dream hangover and breathing problems.
This was the dream:
I met Darrell. He was on crutches, smiling and happy. He asked if we could go somewhere. MY house wasn’t far away and I wanted to go there. Darrell didn’t. Oh, I said, I see . . . you got your money . . you want to go out and eat or something. He said yes, he had gotten his money. I ended up going to my house. It had been emtied. The paint was peeling and I tried to sweep it up. My companion was now a woman. For some reason Paul Al was there and I introduced them and they really hit it off. I went to the fridge and saw that id was stocked with beer. I thought ambivolently that Darrell planned for us to dtink as much as we wanted.. part of me was like “all right!” another part was dismayed “NOT drinking again!! . . I don’t want to drink together.” So I walked into my bedroom and then some guy, a white guy grabbed my wrsits and was trying to rape me. I was calling out Help! Help! When I woke up.

Monday A.M.
I’ve been dreaming up a carnvival every night- probably the first time I have had 8 hrs quiet uninterrupted sleep in ages. We get two cups of coffee in the morning and that’s it. This weekend it was like water- nothing. It’s the hardest thing to endure here, the lack of coffee.
Ive had my ups and downs. Periods when I just close down can’t and won’t talk to anyone and then sometimes periods when Im up and social. I’m sure looking and feeling a lot better. Still headachey. Still riging in the ears and itching and rspitory problems though.
All the girls here are into rap music and rap talk. Makes me feel like such an old dinosaur. I like one of the black taff members, she’s my age and kind of soothing . . everyone else is so agitated and in a rush. (meth addictions) When she asked us to pick out a song while we were in the park I declined . . said you guys go ahead and pick one out that you want to hear, I don’t care . . I did not want to betay my ignorance of new music. This lady said let me guess, you look like a Barbara Striesand person. Barbara Striesand?
I bet Joy what’s her name would get a hoot out of that. So they played Stiesand for me, since they decieded I looked like a Striesand person. It would have nice to hear a little douglas spotted Eagle, Cody or Nakaii.
Sure is a different world here in Spokane. Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe it’s just me who has ben surrounded by Bellingham back water and the last vestiges of pioneer culture and am out of touch with the rest of America. Ive grown to like the Bellinghamian brand of rustic, hang loose, hillybilly highlandy earthy resistance to mainstream assimilation. Miss that casual bluegrass. Not the Canadian chilly noses so much . . . or progressive, Aim stuff. I stay stuff but I dont care to go into it right now.
Yes, Spokane is much different. Lots of blonds. Real blonds. I almost forgot what real blond looks like.
All the white girls want to be black I guess. A lot of them have or had black boyfriends are into the rap scene. . . they are actually kind of fun, in an efervescent, extroverted, highschooly kind of way. Cheers me up. Makes me laugh.
There’s a home girl here from Bellingham. She knows Chief.

Monday P>M>
A Bad, bad day. Had a different couselor . . this one has an emaciated, intense face with eyes like hot coals. she was muttering things like “spawn of the devil.” We do not hit it off. It was my turn to share so I began by saying I had a nice weekend, enjoyed the trip to the park, had gotten some chrochetting done and some excersise and I was pleased with my discipline in this but . . I was now looking forward to being able to use the phone and calling Darrel to see how things were with him, and how things were in Bellingham beofre I decided what my plans would be. I said I was concerned because I did not know if I still had my apartment or if Darrell had gotten his and this would be important when I began to plan what I would do after treatment. Wether I would go back or someplace new.
She shot me down with ridicule and decided to use me as an example and put my ‘relationship’ with Darrell up on the board to demonstrated co dependency theory. You see, she demonstrated, how karen’s decisions depend on Darrell instead of what kawren wants. Then she brushed it off and said ‘enough of karen and Darrell’ I wasn’t ready to accept it yet . . the ‘co dependency’.
“Im here.” I protested. “I brought myself here, no one ordered me here. I was thinking of what I needed.”
Actually, co-dependency is no great shocker my ffeble brain ‘just can’t take it’ . . meaning ‘the truth’ . . according to these bitches I guess. I passed that marker years ago.The codependency bomb is nothing compared to what I am trying to wrap my mind around now.
I brought up the bugs. The spraying which sickened me. (I was carefull not to use words like deliberate overspraying, poison, the ganging up 2 days before I left.)
I simply said;
“I’m no sure my apartment is inhabitable anymore, it may be toxic now . . then again they may not have gotten all the bugs” ( and who wants to go back to that awfull , cruel bag of experiences anyway).

I am rememberring the apartment I never had a chanch to to live in on my own terms. Not for long.
Am I going to let myself be pushed around by hysterics and ‘haters; to borrow a term I usually find rather dumb. And what IS going on with Darrell? Is he alright. What’s wrong with being concerned? These are big concerns. Legitimate concerns. Why should I be mocked for sharing them?
This couselor used to practice in Bellingham. Perhaps this explains it . . it’s consistant with things ive been dealt by other behaviorist couselors here.
Well this place is ruined for me now . . . .the feelings of trust.
I did make that phone call to Darrell. I waited until later, bed time and then made a request from the office to use their phone. I was entitled to one phone call and had no money except what might have been in my confiscated wallet. The call lasted about 20 seconds. Enough to hear the customary drunk talk of the park in the background.
“ got my place.!” He said, Happy. Exultant.
“Oh good,” I was so relieved. “Do you have furniture yet, a bed set up?”
a hesitant no.
“Did you get the food stamp card I mailed you?”
“No.”
“ Did you pick up your boxes from my place?”
“ NO . . hey, I got to put time on my phone” and then as I protested for him to wait, wait the call ended and I was left to glean as much information as I could from that meager information.
Why was he out of minutes? He HAD money to put on the phone. Was he lying? He seemed sober.
Was he lost or doing just great without a thought for me. Ought I to go backand fuck this bullshit?
Help him realize his dream of independent living that we worked so hard for? Ought I stay? Was he angry with me for deserting him just when he was poised to moveinto his own place? Or was he doomed to faliur no matter what any body did? Perhaps with me out of the picture and with no one to blame for Darrell’s behaviours Bellingham would finally see that even when given everything to make a decent life Darrell was a broken soul and would still haunt the streets and park.
Yes THEY always knew best . . WE have to seperate those two . . Karen is the crazy one . . Darrell is worth saving. Maybe this insistance on imposing their ides, their order on us spelled tragety. These are the thoughts that swirled through my mind.
The group insists that this call to Darrell and its brief and disapointing outcome was a ‘good thing’ . . I swear I sae flashes of triumph and delight . Ah so there is no real sympathy here that I can trust . . .that means there can be no healing. Why would they say that that disappointing call to him was ‘a good thing”
last night I was in agony.

Friday 12th
Read part 1 of my life story in group from childhood through newport and Minneapolis days up to the move out of Dan’s house to dinkytown. This is the first time I’ve read this to a group . . . many of them girls who belittle and ostracize me behind my back. Girls I would have consisdered hatefull tormentors on the outside. But I’m doing this for me . . .they seem more open now and treat me with a little more respect. Holy cow, wait until I do part 2!! Then again, I don’t know if Ill stay.
I finally got in touch with Darrell after an awfull hassle with a counselor over this. The lean faced intense couselor that had mocked me in group is the one who makes the final decision to let me retrieve my cell phone from lockup to get some telephone numbers in Bellingham, moast noteably the number for the Bellingham housing authority and the number for assurance wireless so I could put money on Darrell’s phone. She and my regular couselor pow wowed over this and decided they would not only refuse to get my phoneout of lock up but I was forbidden to put any money on Darrell’s phone or even call him . . it was CO DEPENDENT!!! . . . never mind that all the other girls talked incessently about their significant others and took up a lot of group time and if they had been blocked from contacting important ones in their lives they would have raised holy hell. I almost walked out right then and there.
But I felt I need to stay . . The chimmunk couselor was telling me the ‘because we care” decision and batting her eyes, close to my face, it was as if she knew deep down inside what kind of passive aggressive trip she was doing to me and how thin her concern really was . . no, it was about will and power. I did not throw a fit. I did not walk out. Nor did I accpet it. Coldly I brushed her off and shrugged.
“I’ll just find another way.” and I walked out, indiferent cold. Open defiance. And I DID find another way.
Charley the young red headed eye candy who works as a sort of orderly did me some favors. He took my credit card , went to the bank and got me a shit load of quarters for $15 bucks. Then he looked up the number of assurance wireless on his own phone for me so I could call and put time on Darrell’s phone. Once I had money on Darrell’s phone we finally connected. HE WAS IN HIS PLACE!! hE HAD GOTTEN IT!! AND HE WAS SOBER!! he said he was lonely and I could hear it in his voice, and the gladness in his voice to hear from me.
“Hurry up.” he complained. The good news was all I wanted to hear. They could punish me if they wanted, take away priveleges . . I was O.K. I made Charley, our angel, our helper, our red headed eye candy a knit cap fro all his help.
I’ve been doing yoga, treadmill, floor excersises and trying to limit my calories. I feel so much better. A couple of days ago a girl remarked that I was starting to get a little color in my face. I’ve been here two weeks and sober more than a month and it took this long to get normal color back in my face? I must have been sicker than I thought.
I have some thinking to do . . . what life will be for me once I get back to Bellingham. What re involvement spells out. I want to get more schooling, some job training. I don’t want to go back to the way my life was the past years . . .totally dominating by using people.
It’s been fun at times listening and interacting with the girls here. I see what has been missing. Some times It’s stressfull. It’s been extremely stressfuol at times trying to swallow the infuriating and mausiating behaviorism . . but I try to keep my eye on the end result.

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