May 2016

19 05 2016

May 20th . . . or something like that


Selby Montana

I got stranded in Hauvre yesterday.  Stepped out of the train station and spent a few too many minutes too long at the nearby Casino/ bar and limped up , fast as a cow, as the train sped out.  Trains are not the city bus.  They don’t stop when you miss them by a fraction.

I played frantic at the train station and the desk person was helpfull and called the police station , who gave me a voucher for a night at the budget motel.  Not before i scouted the bars   looking for a ride to catch up with the train in Selby,  where it rested  for a bit.  No bites.  None of the Old guys playing poker at the Eagles or a number of other  hot spots were interested. and the few people that were , were loaded.  The train station attendent gave me a map . . . so i wouldn’t get confused.

Well, I spent the night at a welcome motel room with a lazy boy chair and a big t.v and a tub that had not been properly scrubbed since Lewis and Clark.After a much needed showder  I headed over to the store  nearby and bought some fried chicken . . .and a six pack of Slow Elk. Slow Elk was  a Native term for cattle. I loved the art . . . the worried cow, with elk antlers tied on . . That’s Indian humor . . . understood by whites . . at that moment, I relaxed, felt at home.  Perhaps these things happen for a reason.  I wondered if there was a secret scam to get train riders to linger a bit too much so they would spend a little money on Hauvre,  Boost up the bars.  I seemed like i was one of a multitude who had found themselves in this dilemma.  But i didn’t regret it . . .I needed the rest.  I could not believe it . . .I had forgotten my lunch in St. Cloud, composed mostly of fried chicken and here i was, in Hauvre , finally eating my fried chicken . . with a six pack of Slow elk, which, I realize now was quite appropriate.

M e and my Slow elk ( i know it is bad English but slow Elk and i just does not sound right) spent an evening watching a selection of surprisingly decent P. B.S and C span educational programming. Better than the selection at my folks in st. Cloud, MN. i concluded that Montana people were not only a bit sly, and self reliant, but engaged in political stuff , esp at the local level.

I swear  i got a kick out of everyone i met in Hauvre. The diners had Shoshoni artwork on the walls.  The Old guys came in and greeted everyone , joking around with the waitresses almost in caricature.  These are people with a cultural familiarity between Indian and White.

I spent the remaining hours at the library.  Libraries are libraries  no matter where you go.

There i retreated, after weeks on the road, to my elvan fantasy city building world for a while


Now we are headed out of Shelby .  I picked up all my crap. I am on the train again an i am nested with blanky and pillow, camera and yarns and toiletries restored..We are travelling too fast now to write.  the High plains break into platue hills as we head into the Rockies.


Home. Spent the day lazing around.  Catching up on Outlander.  I’ve been gone since the 3rd of May or so when I hopped a ride with Darrell and his nephew across the West to first, Standing Rock and then on to St. Cloud. I had my train ticket bought on the 3rd and was packed and ready to hop the train Eastward but at the last moment i took a chanch, against my better judgement,and hopped a ride instead. A leap of faith. This turned out to be an Epic journey. Dusty, Darrell’s nephew was drunk most of the way and Darrell would keep him supplied with beer and then periodically castigate him for being drunk. They had about 300 dollars of pot between the two of them and a great deal of it got smoked on the way.

That’s where i became useful.  I was the designated driver for a good portion of the drive, although I certianly got a contact high . . imagine that, ME, driving stoned, half way across the country with two stoned Lakota guys .  Just when they thought she was done, lost, she rises in an extrordanary act of daring and courage for an adventure. And makes it. In the driver’s seat this time . . unlike 1998 when both Darrell and I were, in our own ways captives to fate.  This was the return journey.  Played in reverse.

It could have been a scene out of Cheech and Chong, smoke pouring out of the truck windows all the way through cowboy towns.

Now the titters of interpretation of all that begins to send it’s ripples.  No doubt, Darrell, in Standing Rock has his.  I have mine, and put it into notebook but for the time being , Silence. For  many reasons. Mostly to create Peace. I did not want my visit to Standing rock and Mn to be followed up with any animosity toward my interpretation or description of things.  come home to WA and find that devastating charecter assasination via media has ruined my community relations . . again.

There were humerous episodes.  Frustrating episodes.  Pissed off episodes.  and fun episodes.  Darrell’s coming to my folk’s house may be layered in significance and i could write a lot about that . . but I choose not to. It’s deep and difficult.

Only to say that My frail, disoriented  mother won my admiration when she turned to my Dad  with  a resurgence of Irish awareness and sarcasm and in a low voice prodded him;”Whats the matter? ya scared?” then hobbled slowly out to the truck  on my arm and invited a petulant Darrell in to spend the night in the guest room down in the cool basement.  He responded to her warmth and came in.   So if one can imagine an exhausted, pot saturated, grumpy Darrell spending the night in a girl’s room, on a tiny bed with a flowered coverlet, underneath a weath of dried flowers and pictures of a younger karen on the wall . . everything smelling like Downy and fresh linen . . . boots sticking out the end of the bed . . .  . that was the end of our journey.  That was the historic meeting. The last time I rubbed his back.

In the morning, we rose early and Darrell did not stay for breakfast .  instead. in epic grumpyness, we got some coffee at Perkins and I showed him the route to the freeway.

He dropped (dumped) me off.

“We’ll see each other again ” he said.  I had locked us out so he peed on my Dad’s flowers and took off.  i did not tell my father about his flowers.

That’s going too far in my book. But perhaps, that symbolic act summed up the essence of our relationship.  . i can’t think of two worlds more dissimilar than Standing rock with it’s complete lack of any billboards or advertising clutter , it;s poverty and multitude of pheasents, wild turkeys and prarie chickens . . . . and St. Cloud, the essence of beorgeoisie materialism.

St. Cloud was funny towards me the following week.    I wasn’t of any importance one way or the other any more.  Just some wash up. A few people flipped me the bird.  A few eyed me with curiosity.  A few nodded and smiled.   I did hear  a few comments about “We got you.”from the younger women   and i thought . . . .what’s with the WE stuff . . if only they knew.  There IS no we.  Only in vindictive imagianations . . .but I wasn’t bout to start explaining anything.  Let it be.  Let it go.

I swam a lot. Stayed home and cooked up for my folks.  Got into a sewing project.  My mother is so diminished in so many ways now, her Alzhiemers is worse and it breaks my heart.  I was glad I had a chanch to visit with them while i could. Nothing went wrong.  There were no bad vibes.  We actually enjoyed ourselves.

Now I am home.  processing.  But what it was all about . . that’s my business and everyone else can just guess.  I don’t care what they think.

May 24th . . .

Here is the Clinton body count to date. All of these people have been connected with the Clintons in some form or another. Any deaths that could not be verified or connected to the Clinton scandals have been omitted.

Susan Coleman:
Rumors were circulating in Arkansas of an affair with Bill Clinton. She was
found dead with a gunshot wound to the head at 7 1/2 months pregnant. Death was
an apparent suicide.

Larry Guerrin:
Was killed in February 1987 while investigating the INSLAW case.

Kevin Ives & Don Henry: Initial cause of death was reported to be the result of
falling asleep on a railroad track in Arkansas on August 23, 1987. This ruling
was reported by the State medical examiner Fahmy Malak. Later it was determined
that Kevin died from a crushed skull prior to being placed on the tracks. Don
had been stabbed in the back.

Keith Coney:
Keith had information on the Ives/Henry deaths. Died in a motorcycle accident
in July 1988 with unconfirmed reports of a high speed car chase.

Keith McKaskle:
McKaskle has information on the Ives/Henry deaths. He was stabbed to death in
November 1988.

Gregory Collins: Greg
had information on the Ives/Henry deaths. He died from a gunshot wound to the
face in January 1989.

Jeff Rhodes:
He had information on the deaths of Ives, Henry & McKaskle. His burned body
was found in a trash dump in April 1989. He died of a gunshot wound to the head
and there was some body mutilation, leading to the probably speculation that he
was tortured prior to being killed.

James Milam:
Milam had information on the Ives & Henry deaths. He was decapitated. The
state Medical examiner, Fahmy Malak, ruled death due to natural causes.

Richard Winters: Winters
was a suspect in the deaths of Ives & Henry. He was killed in a
“robbery” in July 1989 which was subsequently proven to be a setup.

Jordan Kettleson:
Kettleson had information on the Ives & Henry deaths. He was found shot to
death in the front seat of his pickup in June 1990.

Alan Standorf: An
employee of the NSA in electronic intelligence. Standorf was a source of
information for Danny Casalaro who was investigating INSLAW, BCCI, etc.
Standorf’s body was found in the backseat of a car at Washington National
Airport on Jan 31, 1991.

Dennis Eisman:
An attorney with information on INSLAW. Eisman was found shot to death on April
5, 1991.

Danny Casalaro: Danny
was a free-lance reporter and writer who was investigating the “October
Surprise”, INSLAW and BCCI. Danny was found dead in a bathtub in a
Sheraton Hotel room in Martinsburg, West Virginia. Danny was staying at the
hotel while keeping appointments in the DC area pertinent to his investigation.
He was found with his wrists slashed. both of his wrists were cut 10 times. All
of his research materials were missing and have never been recovered.

Victor Raiser:
The National Finance Co-Chair for “Clinton for President.” He died in
a airplane crash on July 30, 1992.

R. Montgomery Raiser:
Also involved in the Clinton presidential campaign. He died in the same plane
crash as Victor.

Paul Tully:
Tulley was on the Democratic National Committee. He was found dead of unknown
causes in his hotel room on September 24, 1992. No autopsy was ever allowed.

Ian Spiro:
Spiro had supporting documentation for grand jury proceedings on the INSLAW
case. His wife and 3 children were found murdered on November 1, 1992 in their
home. They all died of gunshot wounds to the head. Ian’s body was found several
days later in a parked car in the Borego Desert. Cause of death? The ingestion
of cyanide.

Paula Gober:
A Clinton speech writer. She died in a car accident on December 9, 1992 with no
known witnesses.

Jim Wilhite:
Wilhite was an associate of Mack McClarty’s former firm. Wilhite died in a
skiing accident on December 21, 1992. He also had extensive ties to Clinton
with whom he visited by telephone just hours before his death.

Steve Willis, Robert Williams, Todd McKeahan & Conway LeBleu: Died Feburary 28, 1993 by
gunfire at Waco. All four were examined by a pathologist and died from
identical wounds to the left temple. All four had been body guards for Bill
Clinton, three while campaigning for President and when he was Governor of
Arkansas.They also were the ONLY 4 BATF agents killed at Waco.

Sgt. Brian Haney, Sgt. Tim Sabel, Maj. William Barkley, Capt. Scott
Reynolds: Died:
May 19, 1993 – All four men died when their helicopter crashed in the woods
near Quantico, Va. – Reporters were barred from the site, and the head of the
fire department responding to the crash described it by saying, “Security
was tight,” with “lots of Marines with guns.” A videotape made
by a firefighter was seized by the Marines. All four men had escorted Clinton
on his flight to the carrier Roosevelt shortly before their deaths.

John Crawford:
An attorney with information on INSLAW. He died from a heart attack in Tacoma
in April of 1993.

John Wilson:
Found dead from an apparent hanging suicide on May 18, 1993. He was a former
Washington DC council member and claimed to have info on Whitewater.

Paul Wilcher: A
lawyer who was investigating drug running out of Mena, Arkansas and who also
sought to expose the “October Surprise”, BCCI and INSLAW. He was
found in his Washington DC apartment dead of unknown causes on June 22, 1993.

Vincent Foster:
A White House deputy counsel and long-time personal friend of Bill and
Hillary’s. Found on July 20, 1993, dead of a gunshot wound to the mouth — a
death ruled suicide

Jon Parnell Walker:
An investigator for the RTC who was looking into the linkage between the Whitewater
and Madison S&L bankruptcy. Walker “fell” from the top of the
Lincoln Towers Building.

Stanley Heard & Steven Dickson: They were members of the Clinton
health care advisory committee. They died in a plane crash on September 10,

Jerry Luther Parks:
Parks was the Chief of Security for Clinton’s national campaign headquarters in
Little Rock. Gunned down in his car on September 26, 1993 near the intersection
of Chenal Parkway and Highway 10 west of Little Rock. Parks was shot through
the rear window of his car. The assailant then pulled around to the driver’s
side of Park’s car and shot him three more times with a 9mm pistol. His family
reported that shortly before his death, they were being followed by unknown
persons, and their home had been broken into (despite a top quality alarm
system). Parks had been compiling a dossier on Clinton’s illicit activities.
The dossier was stolen.

Ed Willey:
A Clinton fundraiser. He died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound on November 30,
1993. His death came the same day his wife, Kathleen, was sexually assaulted in
the White House by Bill Clinton.

Gandy Baugh:
Baugh was Lasater’s attorney and committed suicide on January 8, 1994. Baugh’s
partner committed suicide exactly one month later on February 8, 1994.

Herschell Friday: A
member of the presidential campaign finance committee. He died in an airplane
explosion on March 1, 1994.

Ronald Rogers:
Rogers died on March 3, 1994 just prior to releasing sensitive information to a
London newspaper. Cause of death? Undetermined.

Kathy Furguson:
A 38 year old hospital worker whose ex-husband is a co- defendant in the Paula
Jones sexual harassment law suit. She had information supporting Paula Jone’s
allegations. She died of an apparent suicide on May 11, 1994 from a gunshot
wound to the head.

Bill Shelton:
Shelton was an Arkansas police officer and was found dead as an apparent
suicide on kathy Ferguson’s grave (Kathy was his girl friend), on June 12,
1994. This “suicide” was the result of a gunshot wound to the back of
the head.

Stanley Huggins:
Huggins, 46, was a principal in a Memphis law firm which headed a 1987
investigation into the loan practices of Madison Guaranty S&L. Stanley died
in Delaware in July 1994 — reported cause of death was viral pneumonia.

Paul Olson:
A Federal witness in investigations to drug money corruption in Chicago
politics, Paul had just finished 2 days of FBI interviews when his plane ride
home crashed, killing Paul and 130 others on Sept 8 1994. The Sept. 15, 1994
Tempe Tribune newspaper reported that the FBI suspected that a bomb had brought
down the airplane.

Calvin Walraven:
24 year old Walraven was a key witness against Jocelyn Elder’s son’s drug case.
Walraven was found dead in his apartment with a gunshot wound to the head. Tim
Hover, a Little Rock police spokesman says no foul play is suspected.

Alan G. Whicher:
Oversaw Clinton’s Secret Service detail. In October 1994 Whicher was
transferred to the Secret Service field office in the Murrah Building in
Oklahoma City. Whatever warning was given to the BATF agents in that building
did not reach Alan Whicher, who died in the bomb blast of April 19th 1995.

Duane Garrett:
Died July 26, 1995-A lawyer and a talk show host for KGO-AM in San Fransisco,
Duane was the campaign finance chairman for Diane Fienstien’s run for the
senate, and was a friend and fundraiser for Al Gore. Garrett was under
investigation for defrauding investors in Garrett’s failed sports memorabilia
venture. There was talk of a deal to evade prosecution. On July 26th, Garrett
canceled an afternoon meeting with his lawyer because he had to meet some
people at the San Fransisco airport. Three hours later he was found floating in
the bay under the Golden Gate Bridge.

Ron Brown:.
The Commerce Secretary died on April 3, 1996, in an Air Force jet
carrying Brown and 34 others, including 14 business executives on a trade
mission to Croatia, crashed into a mountainside. The Air Force, in a 22-volume
report issued in June of 1996, confirmed its initial judgment that the crash
resulted from pilot errors and faulty navigation equipment At the time of
Brown’s death, Independent Counsel Daniel Pearson was seeking to determine
whether Brown had engaged in several sham financial transactions with longtime
business partner Nolanda Hill shortly before he became secretary of commerce.

Charles Meissner:
died: UNK – Following Ron Brown’s death, John Huang was placed on a Commerce
Department contract that allowed him to retain his security clearance

by Charles Meissner. Shortly thereafter, Meissner died in the crash of a small
plane. He was an Assistant Secretary of Commerce for International
Economic Policy.

William Colby:
Retired CIA director was found dead on May 6,1996 after his wife reported him
missing on April 27,1996. Apparently, Colby decided to go on a impromptu
canoeing excursion and never returned. Colby who had just started writing for
Strategic Investment newsletter, worried many in the intelligent community.
Colby’s past history of divulging CIA secrets in the past were well known.
Strategic Investor had covered the Vince Foster suicide and had hired
handwriting experts to review Foster’s suicide note.

Admiral Jeremy Boorda:
Died on May 16,1996 after he went home for lunch and decided to shoot himself
in the chest (twice) rather than be interviewed by Newsweek magazine that

Lance Herndon:
Herndon a 41 year old computer specialist and a prominent entrepreneur
who received a presidential appointment in 1995 died August 10, 1996 under
suspicious circumstances. He appeared to have died from a blow to the
head. Police said no weapons were found at his mansion, adding that Mr.
Herndon had not been shot or stabbed and there was no evidence of forced entry
or theft.

Neil Moody:
Died -August 25, 1996 Following Vincent Foster’s murder, Lisa Foster married
James Moody, a judge in Arkansas, on Jan 1, 1996. Near the time Susan McDougal
first went to jail for contempt, Judge Moor’s son, Neil died in a car crash.
There were other reports that Neil Moody had discovered something very
unsettling among his stepmother’s private papers and was threatening to go
public with it just prior to the beginning of the Democratic National
Convention. He was alleged to have been talking to Bob Woodward of the
Washington Post about a blockbuster story. Witnesses said they saw Neil Moody
sitting in his car arguing with another person just prior to His car suddenly
speeding off out of control and hitting a brick wall.

Barbara Wise:
Wise a 14-year Commerce Department employee found dead and partially naked in
her office following a long weekend. She worked in the same section as John
Huang. Officially, she is said to have died of natural causes.

Doug Adams: Died
January 7, 1997- A lawyer in Arkansas who got involved trying to help the
people who were being swindled out of their life savings. Adams was found in
his vehicle with a gunshot wound to his head in a Springfield Mo. hospital
parking lot.

Mary C. Mahoney:
25, murdered at the Georgetown Starbuck’s coffee bar over the 4th of July ’97
weekend. She was a former White House intern who worked with John Huang.
Apparently she knew Monica Lewinsky and her sexual encounters with Bill
Clinton. it has been said that Lewinsky told Linda Tripp that she did not want
to end up like Mahoney.

Ronald Miller:
Suddenly took ill on October 3rd,1997 and steadily worsened until his death 9
days later. (This pattern fits Ricin poisoning.) Owing to the strangeness of
the illness, doctors at the Integris Baptist Medical Center referred the matter
to the Oklahoma State Medical Examiner’s Office. The Oklahoma State Medical
Examiner’s Office promptly ran tests on samples of Ron Miller’s blood, but has
refused to release the results or even to confirm that the tests were ever

Sandy Hume:
On Sunday, February 22nd, 1998, Sandy Hume, the 28 year old son of journalist
Britt Hume, was reportedly found dead in his Arlington, Virginia home. Aside
from the statement that this was an “apparent” suicide, there remains
in place a total media blackout on this story, possibly out of concern that the
actual facts will not withstand public scrutiny. Worked for Hill magazine,
about Congress for Congress.

Jim McDougal:
Bill and Hillary Clinton friend, banker, and political ally, sent to prison
for eighteen felony convictions. A key whitewater witness, dies of a
heart attack on March, 8 1998. As of this writing allegations that he was given
an injection of the diuretic lasix has not been denied or confirmed.Died on
March 8, 1998

Johnny Lawhon: 29,
died March 29, 1998- The Arkansas transmission specialist who discovered a pile
of Whitewater documents in the trunk of an abandoned car on his property and
turned them over to Starr, was killed in a car wreck two weeks after the
McDougal death.. Details of the “accident” have been sketchy — even
from the local Little Rock newspaper.

Charles Wilbourne Miller: 63, was found dead of a gunshot wound to the head on
November 17, 1998 in a shallow pit about 300 yards from his ranch house
near Little Rock. Police found a .410 gauge shotgun near Miller’s body and a
Ruger .357-caliber revolver submerged in water. Investigators concluded the
Ruger was the weapon used by Miller to kill himself. Yet, two rounds in the
handgun’s cylinder had been spent.

He had long served as executive vice president and member of the board of
directors for a company called Alltel and was deeply involved in his own
software engineering company until the day he died. Alltel is the successor to
Jackson Stephens’ Systematics, the company that provided the software for the
White House’s “Big Brother” data base system and that was behind the administration’s
plan to develop the secret computer “Clipper” chip to bug every
phone, fax and email transmission in America.

Carlos Ghigliotti: 42, was found dead in his home just
outside of Washington D.C. on April 28, 2000. There was no sign of a break-in
or struggle at the firm of Infrared Technology where the badly decomposed
body of Ghigliotti was found. Ghigliotti had not been seen for several weeks, commercial
cleaning companies may have been contacted in order for the
offices to be cleaned.

Ghigliotti, a thermal
imaging analyst hired by the House Government Reform Committee to review tape
of the siege, said he determined the FBI fired shots on April 19, 1993.

Tony Moser: 41,
was killed as he crossed a street in Pine Bluff, Ark on on June 10, 2000.
Killed 10 days after being named a columnist for the Democrat-Gazette newspaper
and two days after penning a stinging indictment of political corruption in
Little Rock.

Police have concluded that
no charges will be filed against the unnamed driver of a 1995 Chevrolet pickup,
which hit Moser as he was walking alone in the middle of unlit Rhinehart Road
about 10:10 p.m

Police say they have ruled
out foul play and will file no charges against the driver because he was not
intoxicated and there was no sign of excessive speed.


May 26

Very tired today.  Had an early dr.s appointment. Dr. Sarvosy will be retiring in mid July.  He’s a very well liked person who cultivated sympathetic relationships with his patients.  I never did get any opiods out of him, but he fussed a lot over my asthma  and my lackadasical care.  I have to have my hips xrayed in the next day or two.  I’ve been in chronic pain for quite a while but it’s is becoming a serious handicap.  what will xrays do?  it isn’t the hip socket, it’s the nerves.

I’ve been running over to Darrell’s house , doing some cleaning and laundry . . hopefully, when he comes back with his son Ace next week he will settle down and rest.  A clean house goes a long way.  So I’ll run over a crock pot and a few lamps i borrowed and that ought to be that except for bringing over some chow the day before he arrives.  I have been knitting  together the unraveled sleeves of my own life the past few days.  Taking care of business, updating temp agency files, getting a bike ready to go.  Im still not ready to plunge into hard work . . still tired, managed to get in a swim but

I want to get in a few days of excercise and trim up, get my spark back before i head out . . however, I need cash pretty fast.  Hopefully, the Saturday market will be sunny on Saturday.

yeah . . the ‘clinton hit list’ is a trip . . . . . I cannot say  how true it may or may not be . . . .but it does raise one’s speculation to read the research.  Now  why don’t they tackle the real doozies . . like controlled demolition at OK bombing , pretty much proven . . and all the rumors and conspiracy theories over the years about how it was in reality , the destruction of damning evidence regarding stuff the clintons had stored there,or  how the O>K> was actually a black ops  to destroy the growing patriot movement orchestrated by clinton.   Again . . . don’t know how true or untrue any of hat is . . I did my own research years ago. I came to my own conclusions.  Only to say that it seems silly to keep harping about the email scandel when there’s bigger gristle to chew on.

May 30th 2016

Who did i talk to on the phone a bit ago but Derek.  Talk about diamonds and rust.  It was a brief conversation . . . the phone went out, but it was long enough for him to ask my forgiveness for having treated me shabby.  I never thought he mistreated me or treated me particularly shabby . . untill after we broke up.  He broke my heart  when he moved in with Susan but it wasn’t because he was trying to be unkind . . it was just the path he needed to take.  I was shattered . . haunted . . i carried him , and the pain mingled with memories of something deep and magical, like a secret chain wound tight around my thigh under my cloak . .for many years.  so many years ago. I remember the cat wailed  as he walked out the door of our oceanside  cabin. . . .the cat expressed all the howling grief i did not that dark night . i had pleaded: If you leave i will lose my soul.  he had replied: You had a soul when I met you.    In the months that followed i tried to act as if i had moved on . . thinking  my relations with Derek and Susan would be better, and my position in Newport depended on it . . so i went out and danced, and drank and tried to date . . . but my heart wasn’t there . . . something had sealed over my heart . . like two different worlds . . . . . and my surface self  could not reach it, not even when I tried to go back to college and could not write papers in my literature class . . because i could not access my self.  Literature brought back memories of Derek , writting his poems, of the ocean, our cabin,the many discussions of literature . . . so I blocked it.  When dissacotiation didn’t do it, i drank heavily, so heavily i lost myself and my knowlege of who i was for many years .  I had lost my soul . . . yet i was always trying to find it. . .and everyttime i returned to Newport i was retraumatized and became crazier and crazier.  Now, when i feel like I am back to the person i was,feeling centered, happy to read lao Tzu in the evenings . . then comes the call . . out of past . . .diamonds and rust.

Asking forgiveness . . . and i do i want to remember all that pain now? all that loss?  all that passion?  i doubt if his mind ever skips too deep on the subject . . I am probably one of many people he felt he wanted to make amends to . . and that’s alright.

That’s one of the things about getting older . . . .it doesn’t matter . though nothing can bring back the hour, of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower, We will grieve not.


Darrell will be back in a few days, or at least that is the plan. He is bringing Ace this time. THIS time i plan to keep a distance.  It is the advice of all concerned. It will be hard to resist the ingrained patterns of trying to be nice, to help out . . as if that ever helped in the past.  But the less said of all that the better.  i can handle these things now without writting it all out . . it’s none of thier business.

Had Dana and some ladies, Sally and Thelma over the other day and we swapped jewelry and hats.  I feel pretty satisfied with mine.  Dana scored some of my good beaded earrings off me for pretty cheap.  I don;t plan to sell any beadwork this season anyway.  I have no beads and i don’t like having a display unless i have an adequate display.

I am thinking further on Derek days and the trajectory that followed .  I remember susan coming to the restuarnt where i worked and telling me to leave town, accused me of trying to destroy her marriage. it seemed that she and Derek were now the golden couple in newport (so they believed)  and i was cast as the interloper . . . when in my book, it was reversed,  we had been the golden couple that came out on a shoestring and forged an adventure and life for ourselves.  i capitulated without a fight.      In those days, i felt removing myself from constant heartache into a different environment would be wise, so i left town,with the restored violin that had belonged to Derek’s great grandfather and a stack of music donated by local musicians.

I returned to the Eugen I had left and found myself all alone.  I hadn’t anticipated this when i returned. I had had a lot of friends.  But most of the hippy pot growers Id known were moving into yuppy circles and were very carefull to cut themselves off from anyone who who was associated with their former lifestyle . . .Only Richard came to visit.  he too was feeling a bit abandoned by old associates and his girlfriend, now an up and coming lawyer.

He was, in fact a criminal, a very smart one who had paid his friend to take the rap, do the jail time, when he got caught in the largest pot bust in Oregon history at that time. His formal title untill then: the county weed commisioner.  Now he lived off the interest of a  mere million dollars, most of it invested.  You’d never know it.  He couldn’t be more low key . . ratty second hand furniture, not even a proper bed . . the upper floor of his cheap apartment in the mission area turned into an indoor green house.

SO I spent my days trimming pot for my friend  to make a few extra bucks.  Drinking lots of beer and playing that violin.  Day in and day out I practiced scale studies and etudes. I played Vivaldi and a lot of Celtic music, some Appalachian.                                                             Oregon was going through a recession then, little work to be found. And the skin heads were starting to move in.  A once warm world of friends in and out of my place, dinner parties, work in the pot fields, adventures and a lot of laughter and story telling . had suddenly gone cold.

One day Jack Wennstrom stepped out of the shadows in my ally and recognized me.  Derek and I had visited him once at the famous artist’s flophouse by the sea, the Gilmore Hotel in Newport , where he lived.  This was when it had not yet been renovated,or turned into a cult legend by Eddy Cameron the cartoonist.

Jack held a Valentine’s day art exhibit.  He was a painter.  Many of his own paintings are of the many shacks in that place called Nye Beach  and in his own way he imortalized that time period as much as any others. More.   Id run into Derek, after we split up, in the rain by a flyer for that Valentine’s day exhibit .  In a wry sort of nostalgia we made that trip to the run down Gilmore for the exhibit.  That was my introduction to the world of the Gilmore, the world of Mike Marsh, Ed Cameron, Jack Wennstrom and others.  It would play a big part in my life in the years that followed.  I remember Jack sitting there with the relaxation of a cat observing the people who came to see his art and the art of others.

Their were paintings, a cake with pink frosting, a bowl of red hots,various thing and strung from the ceiling was a large acrylic red heart with a fishing hook on the bottom.  I reacted viscerally.  Derek chided me, but i could see that jack looked at me with a more appreciative interest and immediately took a dislike to Derek, who he always found in authentic.

My affair with jack began when he stepped out of the shadows of my ally a year later in eugen.  it only lasted a year, and be both agreed that it would remain casual with no expectations and we both liked it that way.  I remember coming to visit him at the Gilmore after that and watching him paint in his small room while the sun settled over the ocean, Bach piano conceritos on the sterio . . and feeling happy, at peace for the first time in a long time.  But Jack was that baited heart.  He had  hooks to him.  And i felt a keen sense of dissconnection when I finally ceased to visit . . it was my lifeline back to Newport, where i felt my soul had played out it’s  sstory

i drifted for a while, living a half life,and all the high drama faided away and i became just some drunk, doing restuarant work and living on unemployment.

Eventually I took flight home to my family and that began another chapter, which would once again bring me back to the Gilmore hotel and the Lamson family circle.  With devastating consequences that ended with me alone on the streets of Minneapolis, in winter, cut off from family in 1990. Eventually fate cast Darrell and i together. it’s as if all this had been prelude. We were destined to meet.

A lot of the liberal elite mockery , the intensity of grudge and hatred that i went through when I settled back here in Bellingham . . is rooted in these earlier days.

And what did i learn?  What did i set out to do. to prove? I suppose . . .Darrell and I were a force out of Minneapolis that had it’s own power . . .that challenged the attitudes of the liberal eliteas well as the ingrained prejudices of small town North West.   simply by showing up in Oregon , we made a statement, not by anything we did, we took our power back if only for an instant.  I resolved when i came to Bellingham that i would never be bullied, or ordered out of town again and i held my own under storm and attack.  What began in the 1980’s laid down the trajectory of what i would become later.

so perhaps Mr. Lamson does well to think back with an occasional twinge, not too deep, about treating me ‘shabby’. though the shabbiness actually came after we were split up, not during.  and i suspect his fith step work had mostly to do with himself and very little with any interest in me these days. Just as I have a limited interest in whatever is going on with him these days. I suspect his essential attitudes, grown scornfull over the years have probably not changed.  the next generation of his family moved on to be interesting people, Patrick is a star journalist now, traveling the world.    But i had my own story, and Darrell too, and if it were all understood, the depth and power of it would rock this country . . .