December 2014

29 11 2014

Saturday Had Dana over for dinner last night.  We had a very pleasant evening watching ‘Beasts of the south’ and chowing on Salmon and crab rolled in sole in a wine sauce with wild rice and squash. it is rare that any one comes over to my place now. As much as I enjoy the peace, I sometimes miss company there. She was amazed at how the energy had been transformed, how lovely it had become since she was last there . . . it had remained pretty tacky for a long time. Untill 2012 when my s.s.i payment came in and I first started up grading things . . getting new furniture, only to have to throw everything out during the bug hysteria. She told me that it was cohesive and ‘together’ now, and that it had , at last, reflected my own spirit . . she said she felt peace there. Imagine that . . after all the chaos of years past, all the drama, the pressure, when Darrell was staying there. I brought the leftovers over to Darrell later and we were getting along very well, joking around and teasing each other with terrible jollility. Curtis will take off on Monday and be here by Wednesday. This will be good arrangement for the two of them, they can really help each other. some one to watch football with.  Curtis can also bring in some much needed household money. he’s a blacksmith by trade. “So your firing me now.” I asked him. “Curtis will take over my cooking and cleaning now huh?” “Not fired.” He joked, “Retired. I’m retiring you.” it was a joke , but there was a truth to it.  I was out of the picture now . .  in the wings, no longer needed, or nessesary.  off the hook.I was the starlet in the harem scene of 81/2 calling out “Guido, Guido don’t make me go upstairs.” All that is O.K.  It’s life. it’s the way things go.  Nothing is permanent.  it means . . a freedom to persue whatever it is I want to persue now.  what saddens me, when I look at old pictures is the way our story has been so re written.  How the very intense narrative was handled by propagandists and bares little resemblance to the real story in the minds of the people who still pay any attention to it.  That’s why I sometimes re post those old pictures from 98 . . . pictures don’t lie, you can tell a lot from the emotional energy that is in photographs.  Especially the pictures in Oregon . . . the eugen chapter has been really distorted. We talked about this recently . . how people tried to make it sound as if we were staging something against THEM.How many still believe that , it became the premisis for a lot of madness. . . Darrell says, I know, I know.  We didn’t ‘GO UP’ against ANYBODY. What ever Darrell and Karen were doing had to do with Karen and Darrell.  No one else. Yet Ive been punished for that chapter for almost 15 years now . . .”pay back’.  How narcissistic For the Status Quo to put themselves at the center of our  actions, motives. Made it about them.  But I quess I knew that would follow even then because I know how they are in MN, especially St. Cloud . . everyone who doesn’t uphold the status Qou gets diagnosed as anti social or worse.  I could have predicted that.  At the time I thought we were making a statement about love.  How putting one’s self out there , all on ones own and showing a little bravery on behalf of someone in distress could over come the energies of evil, anger 598572_10200164820983023_87412114_n 530965_10200159853018827_978831358_n. . . . I thought at the time that we were also making a statement about who has the right to go any where they want to  if it’s lawfull, if we wanted to visit the beach who was anyone to say we could not? But all that is in the past now. Darrell tells me now; “You did a good job.” Tuesday December 2 Curtis arrives tonight around midnight.  it is cold as hell, there’s no busses and the the taxis are tempermental at that hour. I do not have to go  along to pick him up.  I am in a wheel chair this week. With an injured hoof and a bottle of vicodin.  I fell carrying Darrell’s walker down the stairs. those stairs are too dangerous for us disabled, semi crippled oldsters.  I sprained my ankle really bad and messed up my toes which were already sore due to advanced osteo arthritis. the joint of my big toe is hugely swollen and I can’t put any weight on it without excruciating pain. Im wearing a ‘boot’. So Karen, SpottedMule gets to take a break.  I ran around town all day yesterday getting that bus ticket out and using Darrell’s card to pay off his bills.  I found a couple of warm and snugglly coats for Darrell and Curtis at the thrift store for 10 bucks each and some carpet samples for door mats at 2 for a dollar so I was pretty pleased with my bargains and really looking forward to getting home so I could do some shopping of my own. Then in an instant, the whole scene changed and down Karen SpottedMule went. I was the one who needed help. Who needed some one to cook for me. who was house bound and immobilized. Later in the evening I called a cab and went to the emergency room, then home to my own place where I will be for a few days while Darrell and Curtis fend for themselves.  I guess Curtis’s old lady wants to come out too . . . .so did Yvonne , Dallas’s ex, but I knew that would really get me in a mix and antagonize Darrell so I had to decline hospitality.  I guess his brother Leroy will be migrating out, and Rory eventually, Dallas may eventually show up too at some point. I was supposed to start my vocational rehab in earnest today. Maybe I can recruit some one to do some errands for me. Fuuny how there’s nothing for me . . when literally, the shoe is on the other foot. December 4 Foot can bear weight today.  making encheladas.  Met Curtis yesterday . . he seemed pretty nice, he was polite and civil to me at least. One of my birds escaped out my livingroom window and that upset me so greatly that I stayed up all night catching up on the sparticus series.  December 8 Curtis and Darrell in video.http://vid1147.photobucket.com/albums/o559/darrellspottedhorse/PC070086.mp4 We are all getting adjusted.  I still am doing the cooking over at Darrell’s place, every other day.  My fry bread  didn’t come out to great . . edible but no gold starr. Funny . . . . I was making fry bread the other morning and what were they watching on t.v? The new Lone Ranger movie . . and then ‘Apache ambush’. what was on America unearthed? the show I waited for all day . . . the search for custer’s last payroll. jee whiz.    Im reminded of a line from Sherman’s Alexi . . there’s nothing sadder than Indians watching Indians on t.v. Curtis seems so sad, so beaten down by sorrows , losses, and the weight of Lakota Oppression . He’s quiet but seems to take enjoyment from the way Darrell and I sling the shit at each other. Hopefully he’ll get the casino job he’s going after and start having some fun times. I got my Christmas shopping done and so, Im broke now . . but pleased that I got gifts, except for one, on the road now. tuesday December 9 Feeling a lot more optomistic than i was even a few hours ago.  Did my initial work with vocational rehab . . . and we are going to get rolling  pretty quick here. I qualify for extra insurance because i am a disabled worker . . my sore hoof has worked in my favor . . i will pay less now and get twice the coverage. That really cheers me up . . . Dental . . . well,still a concern, but  an electric tooth brush and waterpick have done wonders. I was having a vision of my self on my death bed , being asked, do you have any regrets and answering yes, yes, i didn’t floss . . . gumming those last words. Now, if i can make a drs appointment and have him look at those ex rays they took in emergency perhaps i can get some serious pain meds for all these problems i just thought i had to suck it up and live with because . . that’s age. maybe even a power chair????? pain meds and a power chair sound better than gelato right now . O heavenly! Bought some guitar strings and a chord book for Darrell for his birthday,  a little tree about 2 feet tall and some dopey jingle bells for decorations. Got presents out to family.  Talked with Dad and he was reminiscing about how the little goat i gave him was still his favorite Christmas ornament after all these years. Truthfully, i don’t even remember it.   We used to call him goat legs as kids. My pet name was pear shape. or busy britches.  Lynn was peanut shape. I am so looking forward to some schooling.  No one knows how the lack of intellectual challenge , ‘retirement’ if you will, brings me down. Worse than all the crap i went through before . . and believe me, i was put through a lot of crap.  I have some stability in my life now . Im set up pretty good for learning some new skill. I also got some tips on where I can better ply my hat thing and am eager to check out the ‘Ragfinery” i could put stuff on commision and they even have vending space  there . . . . yeh! Only a two blocks from my house!! I have a streak of entrepuership that has suprised even me the past 5 years or so and im happiest when im using it, and unhappiest now when I am not . . only, i didn’t know that before , because i hadn’t really used it much . i got that from the Indians . . from watching the little Eagle Hustle in arts and crafts over the years.  You would think i got it from my Dad, a conservative  self made small business owner but I didn’t.  Our family dynamics were different . . . .my parents liked to be in controll and make my choices. December 11 In the shit hole.  fucked up and lost my job. ive been messed up in a big way for over a month even though Ive tried to carry on, post positive things. ive been so wronged. so wrongfully destroyed. By an empire in love with tourture research and experiment.  So confused about my standing with Darrell and now Im being pushed out even further, to the role of the visiting dish washer . . he says he doesn’t trust me  so he and Andrea re going to get Curtis some money as a caretaker. but he doesn’t really do that much .  I did up prints for Darrell from his last art work . . for old times sake, as a Christmas present and then i went home and drank two bottles of wine. Didn’t make it to work. I AM in crisis and I AM, it seems really cracking up and losing my grip on the few things that make my world livable. WHy . . am i acting out so mcu and doing this crap.  Because Darrell continues to make fun of me in front of his kin . . because he wouldn’t do anything for me when i was injured and still demanded that i run his errands? Because I am realizing the extent of the damage that has been done to me in a systematic way . . . .and no one, no one in this empire has the guts to see the evil of it.  All the things that gave my life meaning and validity have been taken from me. Even the hats. Darrell says Micheal, the street guy has them.  if so what a betrayal.  and they say i was  putting poor people in bad light.  Creating a [problem with my dscriptions of things going on in my life. I was carrying Darrell’s art work with me on the way back from kinkos and its like the whole town was ooooohhhing and ahhhhing over it. It hurt to remember those days when I did that all the time, when i promoted ‘Darrell the artist’ so much.  Now I am in debt and have no way to get out . . trying to be nice to Curtis and buy groceries, run out to the casino and stuff . . . when i was in crisis.  My counselor asked me what my plan was for crisis . . . i feel i have no one to talk to, no one i can trust . . .no one who wasn’t part of the ‘plot’. And why?? I was a good person. I wasn’t promiscuous in the last 18 years of my life, not once . . so why have i been so debased publicly?? Because we are an empire that enjoys the public display of pain and tourture. American white women demanded it.  Loved it.  Humiliation.  Mockery. debasement. karen is sub human i remember them saying not so long ago, we are trying to kill IT. Chanting in a group in madison “We don’t want your dirty cunt.  Cunt .War.  Cunt.  War.  me thinking . . . they can’t be that stupid, can they?  i cant really be witnessing this.(They were shaming the war, the way they had previously shamed, in a group, a star bucks, standing in a group wagging their fingers at the store front)   WE are going to do to you what was done to us.  WE are going to finish the job.  WE are mopping it up.  WE can never tell the American people WHAT WENT DOWN out here.  How far can WE take it . . as far as WE want. One by One.  the lowest of the low. Destroy her image, not her( the latest slogan, at least there’s some moral breaks being applied).  WE are all coming together to take you down.  the vile woman.  The ‘despised’ woman.  The one who caused it all.  The Karen problem.  Seriously . . I would over hear women talking about what are we going to do about the Karen problem? Is that what they needed tyo elavate themselves?? Back in 2001 a former isreali soldier told me they had heard about this in Tel Aviv.  He called it Holocaust energy.  he said it, not me.  he was, I believe planted in my work place for a reason. given the politics of the time that’s not as far fetched as it seems. Even Dana admits that far from having some sort of delusion, i actually under reported it all in my journals. There’s a good book about this . . by Glen Duncan the Scottish author.  i think it is called a day and a night, or maybe a day and a night and a day. it’s about an american born man of italian and black heritage that is arrested for involvement in the Barcelona terrorism and then systematically toutured.  Much of the book takes place during these touture sessions, his memories of the past and his fastenating discussions with the man who is interrogating and torturing him . . . the grand inquisitor if you will . . at some point the interrogator says that touture during the bush administration was not an abberation . . . it was something the american people demanded. It was the expression of collective psycology. A pscology that was coddled and given permission by the aqrchetects of our culture over the last 17 or 18 years. So what do i do. perhaps check into detox  for a few days, brainstorm with my counselor and make some kind of dramatic break, wether that means inpatient . . or simply a move. i don’t know. Friday Still have my job, unbelievably. The CIA report on tourture brought up a lot of trauma, rage and pain.Old patterns of thinking and feeling.   So why then, if I dislike the energies of pain did I, and do I still enhance this by doing it to myself by drinking too much??  is that a permanent P.T.S.D . . I will always have these episodes.  Doesn’t it feel better to treat yourself right and NOT do things that cause others to feel disappointed you, let down,or angry, and cause you to feel like a hopeless failure. Too much of that leads to a breakdown. it becomes a re inforcing cycle .  And when that happens, and boundaries collapse weird and dangerous things can happen.  Irrational things. God knows I have been criticized to death for episodes like that in the past . so this morning I will go for a swim and try to make myself attractive and ready to tackle the things I must today. The money issue I got myself into is not going to just go away however. I stayed home yesterday, caught up on past episodes of the Daily Show . Darrell is really stoned much of the time, I don’t know where he gets the money but it’s what he wants. Saturday Doing the market today.  Brainstormed a bit with my counselor about how to get through these episodes. So I am working out a game plan so things don’t get to the point where I disregard self care, preservation and social obligations. First: Keep a notebook for journaling handy rather than blogging to write things out. A good exercise but can creat blow back.  Edit and enter it it later with the perspective of time. Always have quick meals on hand that take little preperations like ramens from the Asian g.  Get a collection of favorite comedies to watch. A list of favorite movies of all kinds. Make a point of going out to coffee houses or bistros on a regular basis for morning coffee and some treats. Bring a book or newspaper.  Do this often . . say, one hour of reading at some social gathering place every other day. have lots of yarn on hand to ‘calm down’ by crocheting.  Have goals. The vocational rehab is good.  Every day set a goal. Im actually pretty googood at self soothing when I remember it, and I usual practice things I have  learned over the years. To an amazing degree . . . considering what’s been thrown at me ive learned to create a bubble of positive re inforcement.  of course there are always those trying to break that bubble and insist on their hate based definitions . . it’s a systematic ‘spread the shame’ tactic , largely manufactured to keep this energy going .  it’s supposed to break a person down, destroy their soul, their social world they have built,  make them internalize, and then they don’t look and act at their best. or they retreat from the public theater into their own world.  Sometimes that works . . but with time I have learned to develop strategies to over come this. What bothers me most is the way they always brag so much about how they are carrying this out . . there’s a cynical consciousness to it even though most of the people    whose hate energies have been tapped are acting from acting from instinct, unconscious stuff, primal stuff, inner conflicts and emotions largely un known and unanalyzed by their conscious self. Stuff that is inconsistent with their view of themselves, their beliefs and their world. nancy and I talked a while ago about how one creates another sort of energy by first starting with their own thought process,one tries to gravitate to people who will support positive qualities, one tries not to respond to negative but instead create loving energy, put out good energy instead and then gradually one builds up a world that is lovely to live  One forgets the negative re inforcement . . . or attempts at it and one forgets the sense of being powerless against smear and other stuff.  That is energy that is based on the desire for power.over others. wether it is for the interests of the democrats, republicans or what ever,  it is directed at the masses needed to gain and or maintain power. Everyone who does this believes it is in the collective best interest in some way.  Even the spread the shame crowd. I find myself thinking about Frued this morning.The father of modern pschology How he had two nephews. One of them Lucien became a great painter of naked people. Not pretty people, but people as they are, painted with directness, bold color and life energy. The other nephew became the father of modern advertising. The insights of Frued took two differing roads. In advertising what is learned about human motivations is used is used to sell somethi.  In this , follows Facism.  And in that, torture research. applied torture techniques and so forth. That brings us back to torture. Its in the news again. I think there is areason the left is bring up the crimes of the Bush administration again . . . and that’s beuse they themselves are not innocent of using these tactics . Did not information recently surface about torture research going on at American Universities, usually bastions of liberalism??  Is not ‘spread the shame’ actually applied torture?? I usually find that much of the stuff that the left was outraged about during the Bush years are things that they themselves are as guilty of.  Surveillance for example.  Two of the main  archetechs of the Bush era torture program continued to work in the Obama administration. I suspect there will be continued debate about this issue as the isil beheadings get more and more appalling to the American people.  Especially those of children.  Aline may have been crossed where there is so much anger that the American people no longer give a crap what is done to captured terrorists. I do not know to what extent the protests here in the U.S right now are being manufactured or or how autyhentic they are,there’s always some degree of manipulation.  That too is another discouraging development but there is no space to write out thoughts on this now.  Must get movin Tuesday Things calm.  Everyone seems to be getting along.  Things moving forward. Dreams i dreamt that Darrell and I were hanging out with John Stewert. I dreamt that I was talking with Gary Farmer.  At least he stopped and listened for a minute, not for long, then moved on. I dreamt that i was in a room that had a table full of various prints.  It seemed to be part of a store or shop connected to a coffee house.  Darrell was there and had been puttting artworks up on his wall.  Literally . . it was a wall. When I looked at his wall i saw that he had put up many pictures, of his own work and also pics of me and some prints from my apartment.  This pleased me.  I left and came back and saw that he had taken everything down and instead had plastered the whole wall with pages of inspirational writtings.  There was no more art on the wall.  This distressed me because it was no longer personal.  i went into another room and talked with another woman there. We must have been talked about the days when Darrell stayed with me and put all his artwork up on what we called his wall. She said’ “Those days were monstrous.  He needed maintenence.” I felt attacked . . as if i had been judged as having failed or neglected him in some way.  Held to blame.  I began to protest in extreme anger.  I protestd that i had looked after him when no one else did, under extremem circumstances, under a lot of pressures, that Id gone out of my way  and so on.  She rolled her eyes as if to say; “Yeah. Yeah Yeah.” WE don’t buy it. We went back into the room with the wall and i asked the woman if i could buy one of the prints from the collection on the table to give to Darrell as a present for his wall.  I told her I did not have much money so she picked out a very small picture and toald me it would be 40 bucks. I thought ; what a riff off. that’s so over priced . . and they got down on me. Notes: Wow.  There’s a lot of stuff going on here. The wall in the dream is both Darrell’s wall in my apartment where he was free to put up what ever he wanted, and his face book wall . . which initially just featured his art. This turns to inspirational sayings.  And no art.  Darrell has only done one cartoon since he moved into his own place . . .depicting himself rather derogatorially. The inspirational qoutes have to do with my own facebook wall . . which ceased to feature our own art, and crafts . . . and was replaced more and more by qoutes and postings by others i found revelant or inspirational.  The one tiny picture i try to buy as a Christmas present may represent my investment in trying to put up some new art. As for Gary Farmer. i associate him with idle no more, Independent native films, the Sherman Alexi thing.  In the dream I am ‘heard’ but what ever it was i was saying it wasn’t something he judged worthy of longer dialouge. Don’t know what the dream about John Stwert Dealt with. Usually, If i dream about people this way its people Ive had grievance with, and a desire that we could in a sense ‘be friends.” Wednesday P.M. Just got off work. Spent some time at Darrell’s the past couple of days cooking up and getting groceries so the boys got some easy meals. Potato leek soup. goulash,pork chops and sauerkraut.Now im home for a spell, cooking up some stuff for me and catching up on t.v.series. I started watching an honorable woman and got hooked into it.  have been watching back to back episodes. wow.  The British do such a good job with this material. So many layers of complexity, explored in depth. Nothing is black and white. The British may have ceased to be a great empire but they still can tell a story better than anyone else. Saturday. Was very depressed yesterday . Found myself thinking about that mini series all day.  leading me to a place in myself I cannot write about here. What would I do if I were Nessa in that interview with theterrorist that ordered it? Would I want to kill him? Or would I be above that. Life tests us with these things.  Or, at least it tests me. I was very hurt and offended by the energy of a cartoon that Darrell drew up a day or so ago. I asked him for a drawing as my Christmas gift. But not a cartoon. I got a cartoon with an ugly caricature of himself. This was one of the ugliest, most hatrefilled cartoons Ive ever seen him draw .  His Christmas card, bearing the words;Merry Christmas.PC240098 This is what I get for Christmass it seems. year after year.Pain . There is a point where one says this is too unacceptable. people who do this to me are an enimie not a friend.  I cant keep overlooking this stuff because ui want to practice a higher conciousnessn and ‘turn it around’ with love. How? We are supposed to go out to the Casino today.  here is a chanch to do something that may change his angry mood, turn it around. Do I forgive, let it pass and try to turn it around today or do I draw the line and say enough is enough. Monday I am feeling good and energetic this morning, full of short term goals.  I went to the casino and nibbled away at prime rib and ribs for a few hours while the boys played, it seemed to do everyone some good. In a polite way I reminded Darrell that people no longer accept art work considered insulting . . and he reassured me that he loved me and hadn’t forgotten my request for a good drawing, and that he would do that for me soon.  The cartoon may have come from something going on in him that had nothing to do with me. As for political correctness . . . if people don’t like my cartoons, fuck them, he said.  Back on the rez my people buy my artwork up so fast its no joke, they can keep their politically correct hands off the Sioux. yes, I agreed, they know better than to try what they did to me, on you guys. it’s different for you. people like me are sopposed to live in terror of cruxifixion at the hands of the gods for political correctness violations. They even spy to gather what ever fragments they need to go after people in a big way.  yet they think they can say and do what ever they want , invent whatever reality they choose about people.  That’s why I like hanging out with you. You like the way I talk,Darrell usually asks me when he goes off on what I call his archie bunker monolouges about the way it really is . . knowing full well that every word is being spied on. and boy does he like to deliver the dirt from Sioux country during these dialouges to our government. Back home Karen, he reminded me, everyone has machine guns. Everyone. Not just hand guns.  machine guns. All my cousins. Everyone.  No one messes with the Sioux. They’ve become too powerfull. More powerfull than most Americans realize, in influence at least. Right now the North Korean response to the movie by sony pictures about the assassination of what’s his name , the Korean leader is in the news. The issue is indimidation and threat by North Korea in response to an unflattering portrayal. all of a sudden I am hearing how we stand for free speech, how we won’t be intimidated. As a matter of ethics.  Ethics?? I am thinking . . the gods have gone too far, they are going to get us into a war.  How irresponsible and reckless to make a movie about an unstable world leader,still living,  capable of doing us great harm. it remains to be seen wether we can do whatever we want . . because we can. In the news too is the assassination of two police officers. We talked about wether the police in Minneapolis back in the 90s were bad apples, wether they brutalized black men and others. Darrell said yes, this went on, but there were good police officers too.He remembered one bullet Barney and Hannagin who personally stopped the harassment of un armed Indians for public drinking by the police. There were incidents where officers put native people in the trunks of their cars and drove them around before dumping them at detox. I personally remember both good and bad. The interaction between police and the black community was frequent,Im not suprized that some officers lose it.  I would too if night after night I was called on to break up drunks and dumb ass stuff.  some officers are bad apples to start with . . and the police force attracts them for that reason, the opportunity to bully.  Police were often called in response to fights nd things . . and the drug related violence that sky rocketed in the 90s. I personally knew many women with tales of sorrow that would break your heart . . . it was awfull. And there were police officers that responded to these situations with compassion. Now we have the largest prison system in the world and there are many that believe that people of color are actually ghettoized and saturated with drugs to fill these prisons . . there by marginalizing them from greater participation in society. native people too. That, at least is the position of the far left. some believe that our government is complicet in the importation of drugs for this purpose. Back in the 90s I remember a lot of talk about what the Clintons were really doing. You can bet there was a lot of hatreds in the ghetto. The democrats have gone to extraordinary lengths to defuse this and keep people from knowing this in the interests of their coalition and their ideals of a better society. But we still have a mess on our hands and things like these shootings remind us how easily we can tip into war, into cultural division. and it aint over yet. So we have mess on our hands. Tuesday had pleasent evening, all to my self. Got in my swim and settled down for a few hours of reading.  Finishing up Eat, pray,love.  Im trying to stretch it out because it is so delightful. Gifford’s  metiphors for emotional experiences are hilarious and brillient. I find myself laughing myself out of dips into depression. I did some career search and testing yesterday and I am boggled by the array of possibilities. Only . . . I am 58 and going lame, I waddle and connot bend easily, so that eliminates fighting fires, construction, most of the trades.  they ask you . . dont worry about wether you think you can actually DO the job, just rate wether or not you would actually LIKE to do it.  O.K> I would LIKE to paint sets for theatrical productions.  I would like to edit film . . i would LIKE to find ways to make cleaner drinking water, I wouldn’t mind sitting in front of a microscope all day solving some problem . . but how much time do i have?  Do i realistically have the time to become an archeologist? and I am out competed before i even think to begin in anything to do with cameras, or painting sets for that matter.    would I LIKE to work with Salmon habitat? Sure . . . But can i actually get out there and slosh around.  Dental hygenist is out of the question . . .no one is ever happy or gratefull in a dentists office, they are full of anxiety and trepidation of pain . . . no one ever looks at their dentist the way they look to their doctor, like a pal and confidant, full of gratitude for their personal solicitude. My testing seems to indicate so far that i would be good at research.  But then, i can’t spell. Or rather, i never bothered with it much . . i was too busy with the uninhindered vomiting up of poetic flow in my youth.  Uninhindered vomiting up of poetic flow is no longer a career option. its not even listed. I started scaling down my goals a bit . . .I could work in a Casino cage. Some sort of receptionist? but this is my chanch to really set a goal . . .I mean, i can do that kind of work without any further training, or at least not much.  The next few days I am going to focus on this and really brainstorm . . also swim as much as i can so Im at my best when i sit down to the world of work skills assessment Monday. All my life it seems i have had jobs that may have required skills, like running a kitchen . . . but always allowed me to show up hung over once i had gotten the job down, without major consequences. that also, is no longer an option to consider . . . .I am taking aleap of faith into the great unknown, making a commitment to a new lifestyle in more ways than any one can realize.    If i came in hung over  as a receptionist . . .comin to work  crabby, abrupt,turned inward rather than bubbly and people personish well that’s a no no . . . .then again, i AM ABLE to be a people person when I am selling my hats . . . Im like a morning glory unfurlin in the social sun before i close up again and creep back into the dismal inner world of karen in shadow once again.  why couldn’t i paint sets? Or make jewelry? I could make hats and bead work.  why couldn’t i manage a business? I DID manage a business. Two of them.  Mine and Darrell’s. How about instrument repair? I could waddle and still repair instruments. Oh . . . .why did i put this off for so long.  Waiting untill Im 58 instead of 18.  I could have been an archeologist then. speaking of archeology . . . I spent all morning browsing u tube documentaries on Jesus in India.  I get started on that road and Im like a blood hound untill i get so deep into theories I cant find the duck for the flock. But that’s what i like. Dec 24th Christmas eve . . . almost. i took Curtis around to the library and worksource and got him registered so he can use the computers and do work search.  He is schedualed  for a resume writting session next Wednesday.  We also took him around to Man power temp agency and he did some initial paper work.  If he can finish up the paperwork stuff on Friday then they will have some work for him on Monday.  All the energy and all the choices we are making seem to be in the right direction today.  Our Christmas gift to each other is to chip in for a new computer after the first. My gift to Darrell and Darrell’s gift to me . . . i took him aside this morning and asked him if we couldn’t go out and do something together, anything, and suggested that we search out our home computer choices before the 1st and he agreed. Today was our first foray out of the apartment into town together and we got a lot done.  helping Curtis get registered brought back memories of my working days here in Bellingham and the memory of how hardworking and and ambitious and tough i actually was . . . i know how to go after things, jobs . . .how did i get into such a rut of defeatist thinking?? Now it’s Curtises turn to bring in the paycheck . . . going to work at Trident would be good. nice people to work for. Clean work, paycheck every week.  He and Darrell will have enough to have some fun, cruise around to the Casinos.  all is good this Silent night, Holy night.  there is peace on our earth.

December 27th

So glad to have Christmas done.  it is a difficult season for many people.  many people grew up contrasting the happy times, the gift filled, brightly lit, chestnuts roasting by an open fire Christmases depicted on t.v. with their own reality which is often lacking.  many family aren’t sitting around making cookies, roasting chestnuts, many familys don’t have the money for gifts or some parents aren’t there. Gifts often disappoint no matter how much one protests that I really don’t want anything. Early childhood memories of thoughtless anf disappointing gifts, or non at all, linger to a sur[prising degree.  My father, who grew up in the depression still remembers only a getting brown sweater for Christmas. My sister developed a psychotic resentment towards me when I cunningly switched the hard, cheap, plastic doll I had gotten for her big soft life size baby doll. She cried and cried but my mother said well, you agreed to switch so now you have to abide by it.  I feel bad about that now . . . you might say the karma of that came back on me later when I could have used a sisters love and concern.  WAs I the cunning, bad child even then? Or did I sense that something was amiss when I got a cheap, plastic doll and figured out even then that I if I wanted the soft cuddling things in life no one was going to give them to me and I was going to have to manipulate the slow witted to get them. Darrell admitted, in a softer, more reflective mood that he had not gotten much for Christmas growing up. I didn’t get babied much, he said. Deep down inside that yearning is still in us. For the festive lights.  The wrapped packages, that early childhood excitement.  I saw his lip quiver when he only got the porcupine singers under the tree and one other c.d.  But Id run out of money early this month.The artwork I did up earlier this month was his present. I did not get anything . . as usual, except that cartoon.  My sister kate however, the one I swapped the doll with, sent me home made apple butter, homemade pear butter, funny socks and socks with Van Gogh paintings on them, home made soaps and I was so very delighted. We all loved Kate’s apple butter this year. I found myself missing her at Christmas time.  Her attention to thoughtfull gift selection and beautifull wrappings has made her legendary over the years . . .her books were always right on, her home made pillow cases.  Perhaps her early dissapointments at Christmas led her to make others happy with her thoughtfull gifts, perhaps my mean swapping of the dolls actually created this.  Last year, remembering the swapping of the dolls, I bought some hand made  Pueblo pottery for her, and some Jewelry.  Yvonne gave me a discount and I thought perhaps by buying my Christmas gifts from hYnonne I might be helping her out as well.  Kate was made so happy, she was so surprised.  So now, I think we are at peace. Except that Darrell and his brother from New mexicowhen I told them I had bought gifts from Yvonne last year had a bloody fit.

December 30th

On my way to a job interview.  it’s an office job.  I have to be carefull in considering this, if Im sent out ( temp to hire)  . it could ruin my social security.  But then again, it might be the perfect fit . . .in a good environment.  if so, should i take the chanch??  I have the clothes now for that sort  of work.  I actually CAN capitalize and spell if i need to.  I just don’t give a shit in my journals.

had a spat with D last night, not a spat, a walk out . . i don’t spat any more.  i walk out untill tempers cool.  I was in a lot of physical pain and he was being a brat, throwing food and cups on my plate after i made dinner. I got a text later  that read “good by forever” but he called me up this morning, as concillatory as he is able to be . . if you read between the lines.

“alrighty then.”

“alrighty then.” that means everything is copostetic.

doing up bead work this week.  Got all prepped , with seven key chains ready to bead and about 10 pairs of earrings.  need beads however.  Must make a list and give it to Darrell . . . I will forgive the awfull cartoon if he gets me some beads.  Alrighty then.

December 31st

spent the morning shopping for a computer with the guys. fun at first but it got frustrating and disappointing. Darrell decided that he wanted to buy the computer all onhis own, with out my chipping in, which I insisted on doing.  however, that would have left him with no cash for the month so he abandoned the project feeling really dwon and defeated. he acted like it was my fault. Well, I DID accidentally erase a needed graphics driver on the old computer and couldn’t find the make of the computer anywhere onit to download another one from Dell . The computer crashed for good shortly there after so offering to chip in half was the only fair thing to do.  Miserable day.

Had lunch with Scarlett and Dana at the senior center.  it was a good girls afternoon out. Dana is leaving in the next few days. She says she is in fear for her life. her ex boyfriend is making threats to come out to WA and kill her.  There’s a lot I could say on this topic but it would do no one any good. Dana can be a sweet heart, generous and giving and expressive . . but she is bat shit crazy. I mean bat shit crazy.   As I found out too late, dangerously crazy . . at least in the course of my relationship. Booy, I remember when she was trying to weasel her way into AIM circles and politics . . right at the time when things were a little dicey for me back in S.D. Tried to rope Darrell and I into her games  precisely when it was a bad time to do so.  She likes to live dangerously I guess , gets mixed up with people she shouldn’t. . I don’t. Not any more. For me, boring is beautiful.  she runs to the cops a lot too when things get a little threatening for her and that’s whats gotten her in trouble now..  No matter what goes on I never go to the cops, fall back on white privilege when the going gets tough. I bet I survive her in the end. Im no coward.

But I will miss her despite everything.  its going to be boring around her.  Scarlett is an awfully nice person.. Some one I genuinely like.