April 1 2016

1 04 2016

6f6d5e1c-1458-448b-af1d-1d79b62878b8 (1)

April 1st

Feeling better.  Not so PTS yo yo.  A little bit of a walk around town, a few smiles in the check out line , a swim, the scents and sounds of newly greened spring . . . all that puts the anguish in perspective.

I’ve was under some attack when Rhonda was in town but i didn’t get all weak.  I was needed.  what was going on in my personal life seemed to be mirrored elsewhere, like the work place where suddenly I had more hours than my old body could handle because i was ‘needed'( not really) and when it was decided in my prsonal life that i was no longer needed i was no longer needed so much at work.  which was fine.  I thrive better with lots of free time.  doing the domestic stuff i love so much. So suddenly there has been an emty spot . . and i think Darrell is re acting to this.  he wanted for so long for his family to be under his roof, all gathered in harmony, me included, and he worked to keep his finances together, got a car, sobered up and then his daughter came out.  He spent so much money that he put himself in peril, as did I. he was supposed to drive back with her but she took off .  thjere is more i could say about this but best not too.  he has been sad . . the collapse of his dream . . .but truthfully, he played a part in that energy over the years and what came down was perhaps Karma.  So now, he wants to take off, but is stuck.  His yo yo playing with me may be ambivolence on his part, perhaps it is he who feels threatened by any thought of loss or remembrance as he gathers his strenghth to go forward.  so the sadness , the negativity is attributed to me.

This morning he texted on a different note.  Your coming with me.  Don’t feel sad. I love you.

that is fear. he needs help on the road.     Just as fear of going on the road with him and his yo yoing moods creates confusion in me.  Standing Rock . . . .trying to get a feel for the political fututre as I weigh these decisions.  Bernie does not GET the Indians.  But i suspect he is being schooled.  However Clinton supported fracking and that is a big thing there . . so they are inclined , those that give a shit, towards Bernie.    If Bernie wins, given what Darrell has told me, it could get bad for me. that’s not just wrong, or sinister or vengefull shit . . that’s down right creepy.  I mean creepy.  but i don’t want to go into it.    But not if I am in Standing Rock where Darrelll will keep me alive so long as i do not say or do anything to injure his family. but darrell is so unstable . . not really an option. Talk about being a slave, literally to love.    I DO like the way the Lakota, and other tribes have preserved their traditions . . the government tried to fragment their familys but they still have retained much of traditional values.  Gov has tried to destroy white american familys too . . you don’t have to research very deep to find transcripts from conferences , statements from Rockerfeller to discover that this was on the table way back in the 50s.

This strategy to create a secular america created a whole shit load of problems, and the backlash was in place as far as i can remember since in tale end of the 80s.  We are seeing the results of that now.  The backlash . . .Indians are way better at understanding this than white people, and coping with it.  They are immune to media, to most of the socializing forces that make people sheep . . except perhaps, smart phones.

Now, if Trump wins . . . well, have to think a little about that, how that would spell out for my future .  Im working.  Im O.K> . . . .but he might take away social security.  later.

april 2

IT IS THE OPENING OF THE SATURDAY MARKET!! I am packed up and ready to roll.  I am so excited and it is an absolutely beautifull spring day.  The air is sweet with the smell of blossoms and cut grass and the sky line promises a sunny, warm day.     I am satisfied with what i have to open with.  Darrell has some stuff too.

Thinking further on what Darrell said about Bernie and the campaign out here . . . .That stuff actually started soon after i came here.  or at least, i was aware of it through the commentaries of others . . I assumed at the time that i was dealing with the group that was tied in with Sherman Alexi, and a few intollerent  thin skinned individuals who expected to get their way. It bothered me , and i stuckk my heels in against any further bullying.   i figured with time, they would get to know me and it would go away. That sometimes happened.  and sometimes didn’t.     But there were things that occured in Madison , before i came here, while i was on campus that led me to believe that the animosity was among powerfull  people in government, particularly among democrats, certianly among progressives, and it’s no secret . . the media.  I remember some particularly nasty commercials with hidden messages that began then . . . and that continued when i moved out to Bellingham.  those in ‘the know’  got the hidden messages.  At the time i wondered who excactly was ‘behind it all’ . . . it took a lot of money, andf I mean a lot of money to buy that air time . . .my speculations ran from Donald Trump to George Soros, to MSNBC, among others.  That was WAY before Bernie Sanders made his presidential bid.  But I am sure, he GOT what was going on at the time.  And it went on a long time.  it’s only recently that the message; finish the job WE will back you . . . went silent.  i assume the JOB has been finished.

But that was then.  And this is now.  I have a beautiful day ahead of me filled with fun interactions and hopefully some good sales.  Triumph of the best in the human spirit perhaps.  although, I am sure there are those who would disagree.

Darrell is talking about leaving on Tuesday.  He still insists that I come with him but i am not ready.

4-3-16

My visiting Standing Rock is off the table. Darrell let me know that his kids, and other family are opposed to me and that they will ridicule  and hurt me and he doesn’t want to be stressed out by it.  It is a relief off my back too.  I pretty much came to the same conclusion but didn’t know how to say it without hurting him.   He said they feel he can do better than that fat white woman.  (I’m not that fat).  I recognized all this when Rhonda was here.

In the end . . it never works.    Darrell feels that he would be made to feel uncomfortable in St. Cloud with my folks as well.  i assured him that they would be polite . . but he probably would be made to feel like an intruder.  And there are other issues that run deeper. So it’s settled.  It’s done.  The love story is dashed  now on the hard rocks of reality.  it had descended into miserable bickering , crabbing and nonstop hurt and bitching  anyway .  Nothing left of it now.

He still wants me to go with him as far as Bismark . . or perhaps he could drop me off in St. Cloud.  But i don’t want to go on the road with some one i can’t trust and who makes me feel miserable all the time as much as i would like to picture a relaxed scenic adventure, laughing and loving  through mountains and prarie newly greened. However he is very resistant to the idea of me just giving him some money to make the drive himself.  That’s what I would really like to do.  And then, go back to visit MN a little bit later around May.

 

later.

we talked by phone and resolved that I would give him a few hundred and he would travel alone.  I made lasagna and invited him over for dinner but he didn’t eat anything.  Despite the chips and dip i bought.  he shamed me for having some wine and got up in a rejecting huff, never mind the constant twenties i dish oujt so he can get high.  So i guess, he is soo hypocritical that he can’t even eat some lasgana at my place.  he just wants the muzaska.

I better drop the subject of his visit with my parents or i will lose my connection with them permanently too. its done. Thats the way it always goes in the end.

Monday april 4

it promises to be a lovely day. My knee is in a lot of pain and kept me up last night but i am going to try to get some work done in the garden any way.  Nancy and I have some plans to go out on a shoot on Wednesday, down to deception pass and then LaConner . . but i will be pretty close to broke if i fork over to get Darrell out of town.

Right now there is no more  sorrow in my heart.  There has been so much sorrow over the past  years . . . ever since he moved into his own place, and i became the cook and helper but no longer a valued, partner in any full respect. Just anger at all the unessesary cruelty and an eagerness to get it over with.  I did not want to see his boat collapse here and have him on the streets again either.  If Darrell’s family feels poorly about me, or ridicule me it’s because he gave them permission and fed them untruths about all these supposed boyfriends over the years . . that’s what fed the town scorn too . . yet no one ever did any real fact finding . . did anyone ever ASK James, the supposed culprit back in 2006  if he’d messed with me? No.  why not?? I spent years of backlash labeling and name calling and affirmations of WE know the truth shit over this . . when a simple interview would have shut that down in a instant. they did not ask becasue they already know, deep down that it wasn’t true.  Any one that knew him knows how ridiculous that was.  Nor did anyone ever interview me.  They just spread the message . . as TRUTH.

usually when people act like that  it’s because a person either hasn’t gotten any attention for a long, long time and has turned this into a virtue and is building their sel;f esteem around their virtue  . . and are perhaps jealous, if it’s a woman it is usually jealousy . . . or they have shame about their own actions that they would hide. If it’s a man it’s because that attention has not been directed at them.     But Ive been over that in my journaling so many times . . . but it’s true.  In Minneapolis i quickly learned that it’s always the whores , the real ones, who were  the first to cast stones. or the ones that wish they could.

If Darrell’s family feel that I am too fat, ( I am 60 years old for crying out loud) and that’s all they can see . . and if he feels that they will ridicule me, then who is setting that tone?? he is the eldest now.   i think those are Darrell’s sentiments . . not his family’s .  His family will be as respectfull or disrespectfull as he allows. I am aware that his confidents are telling him that he can do better . . .  my confidents say the same to me.  it’s standard issue . . . .people are that way when they give relationship consolation.  What they mean is . . some one more like me.

Any way.  It’s not worth writting about any more.  That just makes it more solid than it need to be.  All I can say is good luck Darrell.  May you find happiness.  maybe some one you deem more ‘worthy’.

they won’t be as tolerant as i was though.  One bad episode and i bet that ‘worthy’Lakota woman back home will be out the door.  Not too many women will accept the level of crap that i did.  I am looking forward to a peaceful Spring and maybe summer.

Thursday

Darrell pulled out for the Midwest yesterday740e7839-d96a-4498-b7d7-9fc8fb277a99 around noon in a car with no back break pads left, metal screaching on metal. and no driver’s license.  I didn’t trust that car.  i Hope he has not encountered problems.  he will meet up with his neices in Spokane and they can drive from there.

I helped him pack up, clean out the fridge.  Did up a bunch of cards for easy sales1e7ce6d6-4bbe-493f-8682-a27ea8d2971a when he hits the casinos. Also gave him a couple hundred for gas.  he was still crabbing at yelling at me.   Still, it is such a terrible feeling to go over his apartment . . I feel not just, sadness, but panic . . the worst, the most awfull feeling in the world . . as if he had died.   I have been awufll the past week or so . . i know, getting thrown out triggered it, but instead of being so negative and secretly drinking in a sort of f u brat reaction i could have maintained my swimming and been full of bright , lively energy to help him with his decisions.  that money could have paid his pwer bill, his comcast . . . all turned off now.

And why fixate on old business . . . the media campaign, Darrell’s comments about Bernie . . . .Darrell may not know what the hell he is saying.  and i sound as defensive as some mad street girl about being ‘unwanted’ . . .so difficult when some one is leaving and they aren’t being at all kind, part of you wants to fight or walk away . . but they are leaving and it is perhaps the last you may see of them.  i can’t write about what i am feeling right now.  panic.

Saturday

I crawled out of cave today. let everything go to shit.  A period of numbed grieving that began even before Darrell left.  I tried to keep my head up and not get emotional . . he would not have wanted that.  so i drank wine.  Now i must focus on my responsiblities . . treat my job more seriously instead of an auxillerary wallet for the emotional rollercoaster of karen and Darrell.  Got out in the garden and dug it up.  Planted some small rose bushes and pansies.  tulips are in full bloom.

So sweet to be out in the garden, with all the smells of fresh earth and the stream coursing nearby.  willows overhanging.  Everything a fresh green.  I will swim at noon and get my ass to work in good form and try to give a shit what others in the community think of me.

Sunday

A good night at work.  i crashed at Darrell’s place after work.  he had left the electric blanket on.  The power was still on but will be shut off very soon. it was so hard, and yet comforting to be there, snuggled under that elctric blanket .  The blanket had been a gift from my Dad to Darrell because of his diabetes . . . so my thinking about how it never works etc . . . . i know better than that. Deep inside.  Of course it does . I seemed to have lost touch with my spirituality . Why did i turn the other way??

Got up early and bought some flowers for a hanging basket i put on his porch. gathered up a few things and now I am home again . . for a brief night i imagianed the old warmth, the place of refuge was soothing away my pain.  Now hard reality sinks in again . . this is going to be hard and take a long, long time.

Monday

Got a very brief call from Darrell saying he had made it back with no car problems.  Took it easy Sunday. Planted onions and worked on hats. I was so tired and in so much hip pain.  Had a chanch to chat with Scarlett.. Her advice was to move on and take care of self.

So what is my plan for the remainder of the month? I will get up early and clean my apartment. Then head over to the gym.  That is a good start.It really IS time for a diet . . . not because Darrell is being hurtfull about my getting old and heavy,  but because I want to feel better, ease the hip pain, and look better.  I will go out for coffee or lunch some place new .. . maybe the co op. They have a new hot line.  One of my goals is to get into shape in the next 2 or 3 weeks and also to go back to going to A.A meetings.

Richard Kennedy invited me to come on down to Newport for a visit and that sounds wonderfull.  It’s been so long and I would love to see the Oregon coast again.Rick Bartow died and a memorial service will be held at the end of April in Newport.  I spent many a night listening to the music of Rick Bartow when I lived there.  End of an era.  Last chanch to see what remains of that old crowd.    Nancy and I made plans to go on a shoot on Friday. Perhaps to Deception pass.  This time . . i will go. I like her energy.  Her enthusiasm for nature, the way she turns her garden into art that uses preserved flowers.

I also have to think about my trip to MN. perhaps i could wait untill May??  Or the end of April.

I did get a brief 30 second call from Darrell and that quelled my anxiety. The message is clear . . . he hasn’t cut all ties, but the tie with me is not particularly important.  It’s back shelf now.  I felt like I let go after that call . . .just knowing he got there safe.  I think he ought to stay there now.  It’s something he needs to do in his declining years. be a part of his tribe, his family . . .he has done what he wanted to do out here leaving his legacy and letting people know who he was . . as an artists and AIM warrior . . . he gained the respect of the town with time although they discriminated against him horribly when he first was staying with me.  I had an important part in that legacy,initially. . . i sheltered him and promoted his art . .

for some reason all that had to be destroyed,  erased and re written . In the final version . . after the liberal media re wrote everything .  . . Bellingham was a lovely, hate free pastoral town.  At least that’s the way Mat Damon who is planning to move here charecterized it. They never rug pulled us when we lived at my place , put Darrell on the streets in 2004 , sought to hurt me and let me know what we ALL think of YOU , there was no theater of hate going on . . .no irrational anger, no mysogany, no witch hunting,no irrational blame against the ‘one who started it all’  I never spent my free time searching for Darrell on the streets to bring him sleeping bags and sandwhiches.  I never  spent  hours  leading  him home at 3 A.M and sneaking  him up the back stairs and hiding  him from the housing authorities at risk to my self for almost 10 years.

No one ever chanted WE are all coming together to bring you down.  I never bought his sketch books and art supplies.  Printed off his drawings and got them ready for sale.

No.  I was the bad one in the progressives revisionist tale. A terrible person.    I had to be exposed . There was no organized artificial outrage.  No Evil that was being done to me. Only understandable reaction to all the terrible things I ever did, all the ignorant and hatefull things i ever said . . it was “Karma”

there was no intrusive mining of my personal space to find anything to use to support this naritive. No spying.  No extremism. No deception.

No, in the final version it was a war against bigotry and stupidity, the triumph of the smart liberal elite . . .Karen and her vision of things as they unfolded out here had been silenced. Darrell was on a mission, to put this dislikable woman in her place, to destroy her . . not to hurt the innocent bystanders, only the problem one. The one who threatened the family.  the one that threatened the community.   He accomplished his mission . . . in this revisionist tale . . .and good Karma followed. And now . . it is already forgotten.  Everyone is snug in their understanding, which validates them  rather than making them think aboput the enormity of deception that passes as truth in the hands of a manipulating media which wishes to controll the narrative in its own favor. At most there is a little residual murmer about how disspoportionet it was. We are a punishment culre.  We demand punishment. and more punishment.

So now begins a new chapter.  What, if anything do i build out of these ashes?? I ought to go down to Newport for a bit and remember who i was once.   I ought to find some new form of self expression . . try painting, or something.  I also need to attended to my own family, my father really needs me although he will not admit it.  If only St. Cloud did not react with such disproportional charecter assassination everytime I set foot in MN for a visit and comment on what’s going on in my world, my observations of things.

Actually . . there is that side of life here in Bellingham, despite what ‘went down’ that is far better than anything in MN for me.  I only need to reach out and engage in it.  Take those classes.  make those hikes. Go to those coffee houses.  Go out and enjoy that music. It IS a lovely pastoral town.

I keep talking about how i believe  I fought for the life of the soul against souless forces.  yet . . . what am I doing to my own soul when I aid its destruction by my own internalised pain.   there is joy out there.  it’s right there.  By embracing it, Im embracing the life force.

Tuesday 4-12-16

Got alot accomplished yesterday.  Bought some seeds.Renewed the Violin  untill next week or so at the pawn shop.  Went to Value village and got some sheets. Stopped at Darrell’s place and took home some lamps and left a camping lantern.    Then on to Winco for some bulk spices. Cleaned up my house and then i was shot.  Did not get down to the gym but i stayed, active, sober.  It’s good to be back on track.  I am processing so much right now . . . looking forward to listening to some music, public radion in the morning and cooking up some Chicken in Tikka marinade with some kind of dahl.  Maybe home made bread.

It’s hard to give up old habits . . . like cooking for Darrell, looking after him.  Perhaps that is why I find excuses to check his place.  perhaps i could find a second hand camping stove, and a few more camping lights.  I assume the water will not be turned off . . if so . . a water jug.  that way, if i want to stop off after work, or he comes back early . . there is light and I can heat up some soup.

It is beautifull out.  If my hips were not in such pain, I would take a hike to Fairhaven.  Perhaps a bike ride.  nancy had to cancel our trip to deception pass, her back is out and she must rest.  I can however catch a bus down to laConner on my own for fun. Or visit Dana. Or go down to Seattle.

Wednesday

Had breakfast at the Co- op and bought some veggies for the garden.  Planted them and flowers. Finished a hat. Bought some music; Adele, Mumford and sons, and Stephane Grapelli.   Work tonight.

Felt happy . . as if i were back in time to the first couple of months I came to Bellingham.  Tried to start a healthier diet . . and ate an entire tub of toby’s tofu salad with blue chips.  This dieting will not come easy for me.  At least it wasn’t potatoe chips.

am thinking about the recent controversy about Saudi financing of 9-11.  Hmmmm . . . .well i could swim into some dangerous waters here but i think Id paddle around here on the shore where it’s nice and build my little sandcastles.  Besides . . . Im still not so sure there wasn’t an ‘inside job’ to some extent.  Remembering the supposed jet crash in Pennsylvania, no debris, the convenient I.D of Atta that was found on site, The murky Norad business, the fraudulent jet crash into the Pentagon . . all the thermopolite or whatever it was called.  all the testemony of engineers and so on.

However, if the trail does lead back to the Saudis that opens up another big . . .and i mean big can . . . er . . . container  of worms . . . and a lot of things begin to make sense.

thursday

Read a couple of of teresting articles.

https://electronicintifada.net/blogs/rania-khalek/hillary-clinton-attacks-dead-palestinians-battle-against-bernie-sanders

https://electronicintifada.net/blogs/rania-khalek/video-aipac-attendees-slam-netanyahus-racism-when-they-think-its-trumps

I have to admire Bernie’s statements about the Palestinians.  I know he is trying to win the progressive base, many of whom are sympathetic to the Palestinians. but   i believe him.  I know that he was once known as bomber bernie in the Senate .  When asked about wether black lives matter or all lives matter in debate  he responded black lives matter and i immediately thought about the many right wing statements made about how Jewish lives are worth more than any Palestinian and wondered at the time if he were subtly sticking with AIPAC  support.   what he is saying now may or may not be totally sincere, but i think it probably is.  If he wants Native American support he has to go this way, and also oppose the keystone pipeline.  The native vote is more important these days than any one knows. You will certianly never hear this discussed on mainstream media.

But Im only speculating and what do I know.

I know that I just got an abusive phone call this morning demanding more money.  Another 200 dollars.  which i can’t afford.  It really spoiled my morning, just when i was starting to enjoy  life here a little bit.

4-15-16

Exhausted.  Did a thorough housecleaning this morning and the place looks beautifull but i have no energy left for work.  Everything hurts.  Im supposed to do Saturday market tommarrow and work both tonight and Saturday night but i just don’t see how i can do it.  The good news is that I haven’t had a much as a beer since Darrell left. Been talking with olena, Darrell’s aunt on the phone . . she’s a nice older lady, I like her, and she worries a lot about Darrell.  She should.  His world is falling apart, he got himself in a mess when Rhonda came out and he’s about an incgh away from the Streets.  I feel sorry for him.  i really do but i am stressed financially and can’t pick up any more burden.  I am invited to take in a Pow Wow next month or so .  Imagian that.

 

4-19

it’s my birthday.  I made myself a meatloaf dinner. My meatload had lentils and brown rice added and it was tasty. When I make a real meal then i miss Darrell . . . did up some tostada shells and chips so i can make quick meals of beans & toppings  the rest of the week.

Darrell took out a small loan and is ready to head back to deal with finances.  He says his break pads will be fixed before he returns and then we will return to the Midwest together.  Well I’m looking on the bright side . . . it might be kind of fun to ‘do’ St. Cloud . . . . but WHAT could we DO. he won’t go to a bar. There’s no place to eat that really stands out.  I suppose there’s the Indian center for him to hang out at. I think for him it is a sort of symbolic conquest.   and how do i feel about that??  How would my parents feel?? I don’t talk much about Darrell to them . . not in comparison to the degree that he has talked to (complained) his family in the past.   My folks are too old to give much of a shit about things outside their little world, they don’t even give that much of a shit about my choices any more.  they just don;t say anything one way or another . . It’s enough for me to see them twice or 3 times a year and do some household things for them and just let them talk about whatever is going on with them.   I suppose  I could show Darrell the new library , or rent a canoe   . . .he probably would stay the night and head down to Minneapolis.  That’s where the all the fun begins.  I would kind of like DOING Minneapolis with Darrell . . i wouldn’t want to drive though.  When i go to Minneapolis there’s no one there for me to see.. I just like taking a walk down memory lane.  Seeing my old turf, favorite shops  and so on.  He of course has lots of friends still in Minneapolis.  I don’t really know them and i guess i don’t really want to hang out on his old turf . . that isn’t the memory lane i like to browse.  So maybe doing Minneapolis together doesn’t sound that great after all . I really like taking the train back to MN . . the train trip is more fun than the visit . . . I always end up in a fun discussion with new people in the dining car .  But i guess it saves money to travel together . . .at least, for him.  i guess the trick is to only dole out gas money as needed.  That way i don’t have to worry about being dumped on the side of the road.

I quit my job a few nights ago.  I was crashing, physically and it was becoming a struggle to even get up the will to go to work.  I was increasingly in a lot of pain from all the bending.  i wish i had done it right and given proper notice . . . now i have dassopointed people who will be  angry with me . . something I didn’t want, a rep for ureliability but i suppose my body was trying o tell me something . . . .even though it was just a ‘filler’ job, i still feel bad, like i failed.  I really needed to get something else . . and i wasn’t persuing it.  When (if) I get back i will have to look for something better.  I did the market Saturday but Sales were no too great . . . .still, it was enjoyable.

Dana was supposed to come up Saturday night but didn’t show, i called her but the conversation was kind of down.  She ended up in the Tacoma hood . . and now she’s crying around about it.  Nobody told me, she wailed . . . no body ought to, she’s old enough to know these things.  Already, she got in troubl with the Mexicans.  How did she manage that ? If you’r not doing anything that involves gang stuff how the hell do you get in trouble if you mind your own business??

Actually . . I should not judge, look at all the trouble i got in in MN.  That’s because i broke my own survival rule . . .mind your own business.  it wasn’t intentional . . people make friends, and then you get drawn  into their business sometimes . . . and sometimes it’s a nest of drama . . or dysfunction . . . . anyway, Dana sounds soo old over the phone, so depressed and drained and full of self pity . . . . she thought she was all powerfull or something when she was up here. Wanted to run other people’s lives.  she sure messed up my life good when i let her    . . . now, she’s stuck in the Tacoma Hood, all alone, crying around. karma maybe.

Friday

Got alot of organizing done around the house.  Been swimming every day but still have swollen legs, painfull hips, knees and feet.  made some bread.  Sent Western Union to Darrell . . not too much but his aunt chewed me out on the phone for not sending it in the mail instead . . .i guess the nearest Western Union is 30 miles away.  I finally try to do something to help Darrell out since he has been there and People chew me out . . . I guess he is doing a lot of really reckless things, playing with fire back there.  I so hope he doesn’t get picked up . . . he would lose everything including social security and doing time in a S.D jail . . or worse . . . i wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. I also had a print shop in Mobridge print off some 8 by 10s for him to pick up on Monday.  I emailed them the pdfs I wanted done. That’s about 100 bucks right there.  But he can keep himself in change off those prints. The return is 10 bucks to every buck spent.

I am worried about Darrell, and can’t abide the thought of him going down after all the effort I and others here like Andrea and Linda have put into Darrell.  Maybe he has hurt me, created a karma regarding me that has led to a lot of problems with his family and maybe its finally catching up. . . but I can’t stand the thought of him behind bars.  Don’t drink Darrell.  Dont.  And especially don’t drink and drive . . . the public will turn if it’s an issue of endangering THEM.

Now . . . what about MY finances??

Saturday

Feel pretty good this morning.  Slept well.  It is misty, light rainy so Im not setting up at the market . . darn, i need that cash, and social interaction.  Guess I’ll go down to the gym.

Prince died.  There was a big party over by 1st ave.  I remember that mural of him in that area . . and i remember 1st Avenue.  He used to go to the Dakota .  I remember that place too, although i think i only went there once.  Back in my Minneapolis days i would go to that pizza place for live bluegrass,over to the west bank bars  or over to the Irish Well for acoustic music, and sometimes the coffee houses and occasionally the jazz lounges or that place on Loring Park . . . great ambiance there.  I used to go to the theater a lot too.  But I never did make any of the big concerts . never did see prince live.  . I usually didn’t have a lot of money to throw around.  All of a sudden i feel so homesick for Minneapolis .  All the cool stuff going on.  the hustle.  . I forget what a real city girl i was, i learned to navigate pretty quick.I knew more about Minneapolis than people who have lived there for years in their own enclave.   . . .Ive gradual sunk into a much slower pace, a much more parochial world here, especially here at Lincoln square.  Being private, closed to the point of anti social, routine in my activities . . that is my life now.  I don’t go out at night at all to take in the music. My charecter changed alot after i left Minneapolis (because of Darrell) and the patterns that emerged in Madison have remained to a large extent.

Sunday

made it to the market after all. pleasent but didn’t do great sales.  I did get some high praise from some lady who claimed she had been a member of the screen actors guild . . she seemed disapointed i didn’t know her . . Helen Keller something or other.  A young native man with a cool choke collar and jewelry stopped and really wanted my best alpaca earflap hat but didn’t have the cash so he promised to buy it next week.

had a dream last night;

i was staying in a tent.  I had some kind of mission . . reconnasance or something in a poulated court yard or food court of something. I had all kinds of tasks to do.   while at the tent  Rhonda told me that they were only going to keep me a few more days and then they would let me go. I started to tell her some anecdotal story i thought amusing about John Dingley of St. Paul.

Notes: Sounds like the background is the food court or market and the tasks are my forge of empires or elvenar quests.  Rhonda and presumably others are keeping me hostage . . this may be pschological energy of my own that is keeping me hostage.  Something that is prohibiting me from letting go . . . or keeping me bound in some sort of negativity or perhaps addictive patterns.  I am on friendly terms with her in the dream . . there is no sense of threat or hostility . . i try to entertain her with some story.  What would John Dingley be doing in my dream here??  perhaps becaus i was thinking about Minneapolis and where i went to sample music life.

today is Wednesday

spent a lot of time cleaning and cooking up yesterday.  I have been feeling up this morning and doing job search.  I plan to spend a number of hours at the gym.

Saturday

Wow.  I just woke up from one hell of a nightmare. it was one of those dreams where some unamed person was all over me and i was paralized and struggling to vocalize . . increasingly I was able to, and by the end of the dream i was yelling for help, but still paralized.  i hate those paralysis dreams where you aren’t able to move or speak or anything . . . so i came down to play my computer games.  I was thinking about a highschool party I went to a few days ago and for some reason that really brought me down, made me feel like a real loser.  After my swim I had a strong gin and tonic . . thinking it would make my headache go away but it was too much and i went on a blackout binge, stayed in my partment thank goodness but was really worried about myself in the morning.

I feel O>K> now.  The nightmare is rapidly sinking back into forgetfullness.  Darrell will be back as early as tonight, but p[robably tommarrow.  I’ve been cooking up a lot, and got some groceries to bring over . . his power is still, on, a miracle. Made some potatoe salad, chicken salad, stuffed green peppers, cherry oatmeal crisp and bought a pot roast.

I am facing some financi8al problems of my own now, since i wasted a lot of money and no longer have wages coming in.  I don’t know why i do that . . and then i feel badly about myself for doing it.

 

Sunday

The dark clouds have lifted. Darrell returned in a much much calmer mind than he left with.  he seems much more appreciative.  The truck really aged on that road trip . . that’s a lot of miles for an old truck.  He brought he nephew back with him, who had just graduated from college .  Dusty had money for the trip , but Darrell’s loan did not go through.  it all worked out.   his nephew has a likable, quiet disposition but I can see the alchoholic pain there . . . .I hope he finds a better life here, for a while at least. Well, I must get my day started . . . Im having them over for dinner later.