October 2016-

4 10 2016

Feeling down. Frumpy. Like nothing i do can ever make me feel young and some what attractive ever again. such thoughts make me want to go get some beer. This always makes a person more attractive. Or at least . . . it doesn’t matter quite so painfully for a while. Took Darrell shopping this morning intending to look for some good shoes for myself and maybe a warm shirt for him. We stopped at Freddys first and although my heart was set on some trim ankle boots i could not find anything to fit. My feet are funny. They are not trim ankle boot feet. They used to be cute, with little flipper toes . . . and it wasn’t really that long ago that i would flap my little flipper toes , my high arched feet next to Darrells flat feet and toes that were long and jointed as cameleon toes. Now my my feet were wide. Really wide. My big toes turned inwards creating big knots on either side of my toes. Bunions I believe they are called. My feet turn inward. Nothing fits. Absolutely nothing. Darrell however found a nice trim pair of hiking boots. I saw that pleading excitement when he presented them to me. that eagerness to shed to made to order diabetic footwear that spelled out age and disability, that looked like big flat flippers. of course I consented. I can tell when something really matters . . .that special apparrell.
Me, i could find nothing. No darling boots would fit my misshapen, old feet. Either my arch was too high or my foot too wide or those knobs got in
the way. So we took off in search of other shoe stores. Darrell was extraordinarily patient as we went from place to place. his joy at new boots utterly transformed his usual crabby reluctance to shop with me. Like the ugly stepsisters i tried to shove my foot into every boot he offered. And like an ugly stepsister I could not and finnaly had to resign myself to a frumpy pair of moccosins. The only thing that fit.
Now i am depressed. Chief has regained a more youthfull step out of this paycheck of mine . . and I , the frumpy moccosin wearer feel like that is apt metiphor. I am the frumpy moccosin wearer. it is the only shoe that fits. I have become . . not the dancer of my youth, the runner of my young adulthood . . but , when all is settled, only the frumpy moccosin wearer.

October 16

I promised Darrell that i would make up cards, prints and even tees out of his latest colored pencil drawing, still unfinished.  it’s a serious warrior portait.  It would make a good logo for the movement in Standing Rock.  It would sell like crazy.  The good news is that he went to work on it last night to finish it up.   So I will photograph it today, take it over to Kinkos to have it digitalized and make up a print order for the 20th, when I get a draw.  Also make up the tee shirt order and have it ready for action on the 20th.  I can only do a few tee shirts to start. However i can put it up on his websites and get the pay pal set up and start the P>R and taking informal orders.

Just when despair seems its darkest a eureka plan unfolds.  I do not know if Darrell plans on adding any script “I stand with Standing Rock” . . . he’s the artist. Either way, his signature on these timely items will gaurantee they are a hit when he gets to south Dakota.  That is one way i can help him, gain back my losses,without jepordizing my job or housing because of other recent problems.  eureka!!

October 20th

Happy day.  I found my boots, at last.  I got a decent pair of 8 bucks at a second hand store.  Now Im winterized. Well . . . I still need to get a pair of cold weather boots but there is some time.  Feeling good the past few days.  Keeping up with my swimming and staying sober.  collecting all kinds of local squashs, pumpkins, caulifleur, apples, beets ,carrots and walnuts.  tommarrow ill make some good soups, some borscht,

pare and freeze apples for pies and the rest for juice.  Quite happy with life today, Im managing every challenge that gets thrown my way and keeping everything afloat.

Thursday 27

Getting threatened again over Darrell. Now its . ..don’t bring your boyfriend into your home or visit or ride in his car you will be evicted with a 14 day notice.  I actually made it 6 months without being threatened by white paranoia . . . but now its ON again.  Trying to figure out a way to cope with this . . for now, Darrell is staying away .  He needs to pass his inspections and do more to deal with his problem .  hes working on it, but not intensive enough.  But this means that if we are seen riding  in his car together . . . the potential for someone making trouble for me is there. And there is a new lady exterminator hired on by BHA forcing these issues.  I got to wonder what would attract a woman to that profession.  I suppose all those hidden messages in commercials with exterminator themes over the years really got to a few souls with issues . . inspired them to mission.  Good work.

thursday (later) Chief took the car in for another break job.  This time the front breaks.  Holy cow that adds up to a lot of money.  he asked me for a postdated check but i said no, i payed for the back breaks and i need to pay for my parents meals on wheels, i can’t put it off.  i did however put gas in his car.  Drank a few beers last night in the comfot of my living room, but only a few so Im not in downward spiral. Watched the Pyramid code series last night night and it was the most awe inspiring, thought provoking series i have seen in ages.  Just when i despair of the human spirit and start to feel unjustly persecuted . . .I learn of the golden ages, the procession and how ancient cultures long, long ago had an understanding of this that leaves our present day conciousness in shame. Everything goes back to Egypt.  Everything.

so that is one good thing that elevated me out of my funk.  I went to the old town cafe and treated myself to breakfast this morning and that was a real treat.  it’s kind of a informal community hub, with local art and music and great selection of hot sauces.  I read an article by Bernie Sanders and he convinced me that globalist or not, organized crime type or not, despite the kill list, and so many other  things, Hillary can still do some good things for the country.  She did, after all, really try to reform health care back in the 90s.  i take back my skepticism about Bernie, he made a good arguement about why Trump will not be good fore business.After all, Trumps own businesses are outsourced .

I may or may not be targeted by bias and perhaps racisim in this community again regarding Darrell.  Certianly I am sensing resurgent jelousy, perhaps some paranoia,and some bullying . . some WE stuff again . . . we decide this, WE decide that, comply or get out , get out . . . . but it’s not everybody.  All i have to do is get out in the community a little to see that . . . but it’s enough to create emotional distress for me.  Darrell had been coming over a lot lately, a lot. perhaps we need a little time out and need to take care of out own crap.  There’s been some unhealthy game playing going on . . . Im not going to vent all over the place and become an emotional yo yo the way he, and others would like.  Im going to keep my job and my housing.  if Darrell threatens this in any way he needs to stay home.

I keep thinking he is lonely over there and i am doing him a favor by having him over to watch football.  But  perhaps he has to deal with the consequences of his choices or change them.  Just as i do.  i feel like running away everytime i get threatened by people who hold my security in the palm of their hand, wether it is job or housing or what ever   . .because i have been so overwhelmed by this in the past, it triggers all those memories . . . but Im doing good now.  Im not going to defy authority for Darrell’s sake any more . . in the past , it WAS racisim . . and i was in the right to defy community persecution by some unbalenced or downright hatefull people.  But he is  not helpless right now, or innocent.