MAY 2015

4 05 2015

May 4 ‘th

At Darrell’s place.  For some reason i have no problem getting into wordpress from his computer but cannot get into this site from any of the computers in my building at all. After reading something about wordpress being compromised by ‘sympathizers of ISIS’ put out by the FBI, I switched my blogging over to Google blog spot. But I much prefer to stay in wordpress because of the continuity that goes back a few years. So maybe i will use wordpress while i am at Darrell’s place, and use google when I am at home, i can copy that stuff into this site when i visit.

I t has been a week or two of stunning losses. My stuff was stolden fom the Y.M.C.A .. . everything, glasses, wallet,cash,clothes, keys, camera. The staff and i searched the locker area. Then  week later at all showed up, after id replaced I.D and canceled my bank cards. Some one playing mean trick on me.  I  A week earlier,Id  set up at the Saturday market only to find a sign posted that regulations about sidewalk vendors would now be enforced.  That too was a body blow to my sense of personal identity.  It ment the end of my home business on the side, The end of an inclusion into a group of artisans id comt to see as friends. id been looking forward all winter to the opening of the market.

Just a few days ago i looked for all the old journals i had once kept archived in google docs and also a trpod site and found  they had been wiped out.  I had been talking to Alicia about Eugene and she wanted to take a look at the Eugene Journal ( the one that started it all) but i couldnot find it  in archive anymore.  Nor could i find it on the old C.Ds i still have.  Most of what i tried to bring up was all garbled and inassessible.  That may be the computers in my building or , as I suspect, it was at some point erased by an outside force.  This is not so far fetched,It happend many times before  . . . .when i came to close to the bone in revealing the conspiracy involved in what was going, or had gone dowe with me.  all lost now . . . years and years and years of personal account of a very deep story.

Now the housing authority is threatening me, saying I had unreported income from A.E.S temp agency. They say i owe them 265 dollars, which ought to be about a third of my earnings which is absurb, i only worked a few days for A.E.S  but they are threatening eviction if i dont sign a contract paying it back.  My account got overdrawn and i can’t pay all my bills this month. Much less this requested extra amount from housing. Darrell said he would loan me some money but all his S.S I has already gone to weed after he covered his own bills and we dont  know when his expected payment of 8,000 bucks is coming in from the sale of some lands in S.D

I am supposed to go to Tacoma on the 8th so i wont even be here when his money comes in.  its always some one else that gets to reap the times of plenty in Darrell’s life.  A lot of his Cobell payments went to meth and hotel rooms with girls on the streets a few years ago . . after id spent a lot of my money building up his stock  for sale at the market.

id made calendars, cups, tee shirts in addition to large prints . . . .my endeavors were not to be.  Darrell went into overdrive in attacking me and disparaging me and my support of him over the years . . .any behavior or situation  can be made to look bad . . and suddenly he made life at my apartment seemed so unkind to him .. . and everyone ,his couselors, his street friends, his a.i.m frineds who fel they were on a mssion of protection ( except when it came to actually providing him with a place to stay or money and meals) when he was ‘vulnerable’. . . . and so the word co dependancy was thrown at me.  he had to be rescued . . . and his ‘co dependant’ relationship with me was replaced

with a co dependant relationship with the Nanny state.  That’s O.K. But allowing me some credit and respect as a partner was not.  it was not what they wanted here in Washington.  I had to flee to a treatment canter in spokane to escape the collective hate attack around the time Darrell moved into his own place, all the tenents in my building ganged up on me and scapegoated me for sheltering Darrell who supposedly brought in the bed bug epidemic.( It was a couple of prostitutes who loved across the hall that were first reported to have bed bugs. One of them is still there)

Then , when i got back, the media sealed the attack with their explainations defining the “Karen scandel.” painting me as a terrible person . . . they were very much in accordance, a.I.M, the progressives, and i believe the egos of Indain celbrities. I wasn’t going to be allowed to tell my story.  No, they would define it.  and i was the terrible woman.  Except that I had been a good person, good natured,  despite the depiction of being a person who got her karma after a life time  of ‘attack’. those attacks of mine were analysis of things actually happening to me.

I was pushed to the wings of the new Darrell story . .. but he still wanted me behind him, I still helped him with his new apartment even though he picked on me for sport in way he had never done in the past.  A developing depression and sense of defeat and despair started to take over during the late fall months after my hats were stolden.  I could not fathom why this creative venture came under such vicious hatred and sabotage.

when Curtis, his brother came out to live with him  i was really confused.  What exactly WAS my place? In relation to Bellingham.  In relation to Darrell.  On what then, could i build I life. Everything had been used or taken or broken mis interpreted, sabotaged, no matter what i did that was strong i came under collective attack after collective attack.  what then did they want? A docile white woman? A slave who was content to do dishes and hear her self defined by her inadequacies from morning to night, who was cool with other women taking over, sleeping with her old man, who was equally berated as negligent when she stayed home and did her own thing. After years of hearing ‘the truth’ about karen’s supposed sexual misconduct ( ive been faithful for almost 20 years) trumpeted by these very women who now took over my former role . . .I wondered what they wanted from me, other than being the drunk, wounded person they could all make fun of . . .in relation to their collective social power.  Only, by the time Curtis moved in that’s all i had become, the drunk wounded woman they all could make fun of.

I recently went through another collective attack, again with the idea of ‘putting me in my place’.  And this time i wasn’t attempting a business venture, I was  . . . . Im not exactly sure what I was doing, except cleaning toilets and making meals and regularly getting kicked out of Darrells for they way i did things.

Once again, i became the focus of another attack and all kinds of talk about putting me in my place and even killing me.    When i begged for help . . and wanted to leave, as usual the young women  here dragged their feet and made excuses after excuses for failing  me. ( These are the girls the gatekkeepers allowed to be ’empowered’ while I, the disssident was systamatically destroyed, you know, the ones molded by the Status qou   and now uphold it.  All gown up now in in postions to make desisions about my employment  and ability to recieve help. New feminists right? Part of the John Stewert private army?) Now when the heat is gone, NOW they get around to making the arrangments for my move to Tacoma.  Now when it is May and my garden is already full of harvest, and the weather is warm enough to bike and hike and play in the sun.  Now, while Darrell enjoys his 8000 I will once again be in an indoctrination camp . . . .I didnt need the indoctrination.  Not  now.  I needed an inpatient 4 0r 5 months ago because it was the only way to escape the depression and despair, the attacks . . and the chaos that curtis brought into our remaining relationship  and the downward spiral that cost me a job and got me in a financail hole. Now the last blow has been dealt to the HAT LADY and CHIEF at the market.

its a sad state of affiars when liberal women join up with forces of misogany when it is to their own advancement. they ought to be for other women. Perhaps Tacoma will turn out to be a good thing. it’s hip. its not nearly as dangerous as it once was.  its the new cool place to be. it’s a different population, different demographic.

The healthy power dynamics that are described to me in theory in my counseling are just that.  they have been denied to me when i tried .  They will never happen in this situation here and the best i can hope for is to be independent again in a new life.

Deep down inside I know the hummanistic philosophy that that if peoples basic needs are met and they are allowed to develop their potential they will be better, happier people . . .and this approach to Darrell transition to a responsible householder from a street cult personality of defiance is a good philosopy and one i agree with , despite my cynicism about co dependancy on the nanny state.  I DO see in Darrell a centering, at last, despite all his craziness about establishing and testing boundaries as to who he lets into his castle.  They did an expiriment year s ago where a rat that was in isolated cage was given the choice between a water bottle  and awater bottle laced with alchohol or drugs.  the rats in this experiment would choose the water bottle laced with drugs and alchohol even to the point of death.  this experiment was then used in addiction theory tosxplain the cravings. some one came up with the notion of re running this experiment only instead of a lone rat in an empty cage they created a rat palace with all kinds of bright balls for the rats to roll around and tunnels and other rats to socialize with.  The rats in this environment did not choose the drug and alchohol laced water all that much.  the conclusion being that it is disconnection from others and a lousy environment that created addiction not addiction theory of uncontrolable craving.  Well, Darrell has been given his rat palace and his addiction has decreased, despite some really toxic and mean relapses.  Wher’s my rat palace been. where’s my rat palace??  Doing the Saturday market brought me into a circle of happy rats rolling around their brightly colored balls, that bolstered the desire to be active , social, and to prefer water to wine.  Having my palace to myself at last, rather than it being a flop house for Darrells street  lifestyle , , ,while isolated from other rats was at least a place where i could roll my colored balls of yarn and run trhough the tunnels of my mind.  If the other rats attack you then the cage of isolation becomes a paridise filled with self.  As long as I had Darrells rat palace to go play in, and the market to play in i could endure the isolation of my home and work . . . . which actually protected me, kept me going.  A socail work place, other than work places where no one spoke english had proven to be hell  . . . it was when Darrell;s rat palace and my private refuge there that , despite all the crabbing around,became taken over by some very sick rats, that i too became a sick rat and prfered the water laced with booze over water.

So I guess Tacoma will be my new temporary rat palace.  other rats. basic needs met..  I think i can withstand the bullshit and the indoctrination this time if i bring along my own colored balls of yarn to roll around. i have no doubt they will provide plenty of tunnels.

May 9th

At Darrells. Was all set to leave on the 8th but there was a problem with my spenddown. that’s O.K.  It gives me a little more time to settle things.  Wow.  That last entry of mine is full of the anger and pain emotions.  i really WAS ganged up on , big time. . . but i don’t like to describe it much now.

Some one apologized to me for their part in it just today.  the first real apology for ‘the vendetta’ as i used to call it. One of my crazy neighbors.  I set up at the market despite the new regulations . I took my chanches with the cops booting me out.  They had bigger fish to fry with the police brutality  protest march and sit in than harrassing street vendors.

A lot of people were setting up despite the crack down.   I guess La fiamma pizza gave permission for us to set up on their property so most of the street artist were  clustered under La fiamma wings.  So for the price of a business license, which i ought to have any way, I can get my butt out there really early in the mad dash to claim the few open spots.  if Im here.  next week will determine wether my plans to go to Tacoma have been canceled because of my spenddown or wether they can work it out.  Im was all packed. Got my ticket and everything.


Got Darrell a shit load of groceries, including 3 packages of buffalo. We has a tiff , i blew up at him when he was picking on me.  got up on my hind legs and delivered. but it suddenly seems to have cleared the air and there is loving between us again. I think we fear the idea of being seperated, and we just don’t know it no matter what we say about each other.  Deep down, we love each other  still.  Im worried about his health.  perhaps it is wrong to think about going away right now,  ive been through tough episodes before . . . people will be people, Ive been around a Humpapa man for how long? and im still prone to whimpering about how americans act?? A descendant of Chief Gall and i still haven’t learned anything when it comes to flaking off and standing up to the cruelties and ridiculousness and insincerities of our culture?  I HAVE learned a few thing actually..  I learned to value him, who he is at a deeper level than the bitching about dish issues.

that’s what keeps me coming around, despite the dish issues that have become so obssessive . Imagine , after all that we went through. . and dish issues are the straw that breaks the camels back. Not the 7th Calvery or the Moussad or Hollywood or the Klan or ISIS  or Pastor Bellingham . . . . dishes issues.


Got a job! Starts next week end.


I finally got around to watching fifty shades of grey. I found it so disturbing i quit half way through it and switched over to something more comforting, Zareeds documentary on ISIS.( sarcastic homur there )  I suppose because

Darrell threw me out again only moments after id come over, changed clothes and began washing shelves for inspection.  I suppose it was pot withdrawl or some spitefull thing in him that finds an easy target in karen . . or at least a close target. i called him a mean, mean man and swore i would never come back. But of course, i do.

Perhaps the themes of fifty shades of grey hit a raw nerve when i watched it latter.  Only to say that themes of sadism and womens supposed attraction to pain/pleasure held so fastenation for me that day.  I just wasn’t in the mood for the exploration of a dominant CE.O  power attraction for a young English student.  I was in pain and there was nothing erotic bout it.  It sucked.

when i got around later to watching the second part i started to appreciate the nuances of these complex charecters, but i still didn’t care for them that much. that’s O.K.  they wouldn’t find  me all that exciting either.

I start work next week end.  Not soon enough for me. It’s a confidence booster to know if i want a job I can still do what it takes to go get one.  Be working in a grocery store.

Everything seems to be good between Darrell and i since then. had a nice week end making up good meals and kickin back. We drafted up one final appeal to the housing authority to end his tresspass order.

had a wierd dream last night:

I was trying to enter a court house or something and there was a sit in in front of it. I was pushing a cart and was having difficulty getting people to move out of the way so i could get in the door.  they looked like young people and were not hostile but they weren’t moving much either.  Pastor Bellingham was there.  I remembered how i had watched a show on the local Bellingham channel where he went into a tirade against me, in a religious fevor he seemed to be encouraging a witch hunt and his followers had been roused to hate rather like George Orwells 10 minute hate.  .  so rather than walk away from the sit in I turned and faced them .  I asked them if i looked like a witch. If I looked like the kind of person he was describing.

Im a human being i told them. Im a nice person, just like you.    They seemed to listening.  when I had finished my speech i knew it had been a good one and Pastor Bellingham was surprised by my gumption but mocked me as i walked out, as if i could ever do anything to stop his power or the way he was leading these young people.

I remained in what seemed like a refugee camp with these people. things seemed a little tense.  I got into a public shower .  Suddenly through an opening in the curtain i could see Darrell walking by everyone heading for the showers, butt naked. As if to say Ill do what i want and i dont care what anyone thinks.    he got in the shower with me and i was delighted.

May 20th 2015

Just finished up Baiget’s ‘The Jesus Papers’.  It did not get rave reviews when it first came out, but i found his theories compelling.  I learned something new about the mystery cults initiating people into the far-world in underground chambers.  The lazerus story DOES seem to be one of these iniation rites . . it’s been suggested before.  But wether the death and ressurection of jesus was is getting into controversial territory that can’t be proven.  I am more intriqued by the possiblity that J esus spent time in India  and have some books on that I am looking forward to cracking.

WordPress seems to be working just fine now.  What ever bugs were compromising the site have been worked out.   Also, I found some old journals stashed in my hotmail files.  The Eugene journal is still in print form in some folders, as is the original handwritten notebook.

I am finding myself happy and active the past few days, despite everything.  Went over to Scarlett’s apartment yesterday and had a chat.  She is reading about the blood line and the grail stuff.  Her apartment is really elegant and cultured, in rich mauves with dark hardwood.  A nice lady.

Smart and experienced and generally quiet, but that’s not to say that judgements do not run deep.

I feel as if my sense of self was lost for a while and now i am remembering who i am, or at least remembering my own competence in things. How could i let myself get so weak and unattractive?

May 21

Wow. I really came down sick yesterday afternoon.  I felt like I had a kidney infection. perhaps it was from drinking too much coffee and not enough water or food poisening,a 24 hour bug i don’t know but I am fine this morning.  I was at the food bank with a cart of groceries for Darrell when it hit and i barely made it over to his place before collapsing.  Id picked up a case of cranberry juice at the food bank however . . one of those funny coincidences . . so between the cranberry juice and chicken broth and a marathon sleep on ifoprophen i worked it out and feel pretty damn good this morning.

Ive been swimming regularly now.  Feel like my life is under controll again and I am looking forward to starting it.

Saturday may 23rd.

did my first shift yesterday.  It was a boost to get out and do a real job. Lots of people. Lots of Canadians coming down for the cheaper meats.  They are so much friendlier than americans here  And they have a rep as being snooty . . . hmm . . . Im not seeing it.   I was having lots of problems with asthma but pulled it off.  The hours are irregular and i don’t like that.  it’s not what I was prmised but it’s a start. perhaps after ive done this a few shifts the store mayb know me by then and i can apply for a permananent position with them and have a first hand reference.  I may still go to Tacoma  once i get caught up with finances. My goal right now is to get financially caught up before i make any great changes.  I am doing well right now . Even Darrell, despite his non stop bitching says so.

so my immediate goals are keep myself in good form so i can do my job in a social arena .  Build on that to get a better job or collect my income and move on.

Sunday 5-24-15  My last shift for the week. Working at Winco( darrell and i call it Winktea foods) foods has been an eye opener onto a slice of America I don’t usually get to witness much. A world where there is a high percentage of people who are obese and  dress without any sense of taste at all.  Except for the people from other countries, the Sheiks, the people in turbans , the folks from India and turkey . . those women who wear the trousers with embroidered tunics and matching scarves that are absolutely beautiful . . and this is just getting groceries!!  I am not one to take pokes at weight problems. Im a heavy woman in my old age, but Im hefty and strong as an ox and ive done my suffering for beauty and taste when I was younger and could get out and run 6 miles a day. what is it, I wonder that is making so many young women so heavy, not healthy heavy but soft and swishy heavy.  Why are they dressing so badly? I mean, a person has to make an effort to wear a stretchy body dress that is striped with an itty bitty sweater when one is almost 300 pounds.Whats really going on here?  Is it a badge of . . under average intelligence, subconciously adopted? or is it something in the diet?  But the people from Indian are buying foods at the same market. Maybe not the same foods. Is this what GMOs are doing . . flouride in the water??

I was passing out kettle corn samples and played a little psch game asking people if they wanted to try some cattle corn. Not one person caught it.  Some even passed it on, asking their kids of they wanted some cattle corn without realizing that they were calling it cattle corn instead of kettle corn.  Then,  the grandson of Leonard Crowdog happened to be in the store and stopped by for a sample of cattle corn.   I didn’t know it was the grandson of Leonard Crowdog. untill he told me, after I admired the medallion his girlfriend or wife was wearing.  Imagine that . . . . life is full of interesting surprises. You just never know where you will meet the most unexpected people.   Yesterday i met the descendents of Leonard Crowdog, the Ogllala holy man, while passing out ‘cattle corn’ at winko ( winktea) foods. Imagine that.   amid a swirl of obese teenagers in stretchy pants and lovely women in saris and embrodiered tunics.


Made guacamole and gave out little samples all day. The Crow dog kids, ( They told me their names but i forgot) stopped in again and this time i gave them Darrell’s number and tried to hook them up.  I know they would probably enjoy hearing old timer stories of A.I.M days and Darrell ‘did his bit’ back then and was at Crow dog’s paradise. Darrell too is lonely as hell for a different level of people now that he’s quit drinking. Especially people he shares a culture with and these kids speak the language, practice spirituality.  Is it synchronicity that i should be in a spot to connect them?  Does this reflect an inner change in me, by honoring Darrell’s desire to stay sober by taking back the reigns of controll in my own life am I shifting from fear based re action, or pain and anger based action to a higher level? And does this appearance signify that?  it could not have happened if i had not made this change. it tells me I am on the right path.

Not that long ago i was in protective mode, dealing with fear based emotions and outlook. What? AIM  showing up in my work place ? i would have been wary, paranoid, wondering what they had planned for me . . . but i didn’t even think that way yesterday.  syncronicity happens.  When people need something, are ready for something sometimes it just shows up.

Tues 26th may 2015

One of Darrell’s grand nephews committed suicide and he is feeling very sad. So much of that back on his rez. so many youth commit suicide.  he lost a nephew to this some years back.  i cant imagine what an elder must feel when young life . the hope of one’s blood line choses suicide. Ones children and grandchildren are the result of one’s own life, the choices they made. who they loved, how they lived . . some of that, is not chosen, like being born on a rez but its like having ones own arm or foot cut off . . .its part of you.  its like it invalidates the older relatives too.  Im glad i was here to hold Darrell yestrday. Now we are going for a walk.


I am going to be doing 7 to 10 days on a temp assignment in addition to my weekend gig starting today.  sewing the edging on cheap umbrellas or something.  This will put me back in the black and I am feeling pretty happy about how I pulled it together.

Darrell’s nephew will be coming out soon but im not sure wether it is to visit or live.  Don’t know anything about him except that he gives me likes and comments on facebook and calls me auntie Karen.  I know he likes to drink and that he likes to work.  The last part is all I need re reassure me . . as long as somebody can take care of themselves, govern themselves and Doesn’t drag me into their support they can be the most hell raising I don’t know what in the world.


Sunday May 31 2015

The bed bugs are back.  Staying at Darrell’s place untill I can do the treatment. I don’t work today so I will work on that all day.

Had fun on both jobs,sewing patio umbrellas and yesterday, giving out brat and mustard samples. I cooked a lot of brats yesterday. it was a challenge keeping up and juggling all that frying and cutting up samples and chatting with everyone. I get on with my supervisor. A very nive lady.

One guy sampling brats was a blue berry enthusiast, he owned a blue berry farm or something and was telling me all about the wonders of blueberries and how bee mites had decimated all the bees except for bumble bees which were resurgent this year and not affected by the bee mites.  learn something new every day.  i guess bumblebess really like rhododendrens so growers are trying to encourage these bumble bees by bringing in rhododendrens.

I am working on the umbrella sewing job with reverend roach, former flower child from the Frisco days and a retired business woman .  Reverend Roach, or John, has a lot of fun stories to tell.  Between the 3 of us we covered everything from the Kennedy assasination, 9-11 inside job theory to A.A , booze storiees and the crack down on the homeless.  So i’ve been a busy girl this week.

Today I do bed bug conroll, wash everything . . sprinkle that diatemicious earth .  if that doesn’t work i will ask for a transfer. Seems that BHA just can’t get a grip on this stuff.  I should have gotten a transfer years ago and all my problems would have been solved . . .why didn’t I?  Good question.  I suppose because its a lot of work, involves change an investment of cash and time and i was sick of always moving.  So i dug in my heels no matter what my neighbors dished out.  If I had moved I might have been able to look after Darrell without all that secrecy, middle of the night stuff . . .saved him and me the psychological strain. I might have found neighbors a little friendlier. I would have escaped the bug catastrophy two years ago.  it’s like the woman who keeps bewailing a bad marraige but won’t leave . . .my thinking then was that it would be the same thing,no matter what or where so stay put.

We are waiting for Darrell’s big bucks to come in. Checked out Craig’s list cars last night.  Won’t be long.  I hope to visit MN this summer and when I do I think my Dad may give me the Buick. Mom can’t drive any more and he promised it to me but i think he has an attachment to the car and doesnt want to give it up just yet.  Either way, wether we are one car or two . . .our hobbling around doing things the hard way is over. We can travel now.

You can bet that Darrell is in a good mood now.  He keeps promising me that he will take me shopping and buy me some nice stuff.  I already have nice clothes, i just dont wear them much.  I need some black tennis shoes, some polo shirts, a skirt and that’s about it.  He is the one it will be fun to shop for.

Scarleet and I had a revealing talk about D…..  Ive written about how D…..fucked with my life in a big way and how it turned my head around, brought me down so much, left me feeling burned and betrayed and that there was something evil, pathological under neath all that love stuff she professes.  Scarlett clued me in on how she was screwing all the young black guys around here at reggea dances and stuff and how she would turn abusive on them . . something i saw in her relatiionship with her ex . I think she was basicly run out of town.  or had to move because of shame. They were on to her.   I know she infuriated me when she decided to infiltrate AIM circles, take on the Peltier cause which she knew very little about except the ‘party line’.  This was when Darrell was in Standing Rock.  Then she put me down for my ‘apathy’ and stupidity for not joining her in the cause.  i tried to explain to her why that wasn’t possible . . secretly wondering what the hell, is she trying to get me killed??  why does she want to be an insider? She will never be.  ive been hanging around Darrelll a long time and I know better now than to stick my nose where its not wnted .  I learned the hard way.  Its better NOT to know somethings if you want peace in your personal life.  If she wants to help Indians, if their cause brings her to tears then she ought to work on current issues, like clean water, the keystone pipeline, meth addiction  or making some quilts.

At any rate, I feel like a deep wound has  been cleaned, some that weighed heavy on me and now i can be happy again, strong again.  Scarlett is still reeling from her friendship with D . . . .and trying to figure it out but her anger (She is Shawnee and Jewish by heritage) borders on hate.  Something that was once directed at me shifted over to D…….. it seems. The contempt and hatred of women who cross ethnic and color line .. except D……is  the real deal, the almost 70 year old woman picking up a number of young gigilos and abusing them . . . .all the while cultivating this image of enlightened love and wisdom.

She ended up having to leave town  . .. and I am still here. Because, people are beginning to realize that model never really applied to Darrell and I no matter how much they tried to make it sound like ‘Karen exposed’.  I wasn’t picking up Darrell from th streets in exchange for sex. I knew him back in Minneaplis.

I knew him when he was sober when he first came out here and got cut down. He was saturated with booze and drugs when he was on th streets. And his health was so poor he had trouble getting around . . There’s nothing sexually amiss with him, but he was always sick or bombed or in pain.

well, as they say, what goes around comes around . . everyone was so gung ho with karma theory when it came to the will to hurt towards me . . . but here is karma coming around now,in a different way.   Darrells got a nice place, the street people are kicked out but I am one of very few that can stay there (at Darrell’s place)  regularly, we have couple of cars coming our way, unlike al his street pals once so full of toxic and vengefull emotions he is still alive and they are dead.  and things are good right now at last.