January 2016

6 01 2016

Talked with my parents and they both sound so much happier.  Mom was coherent and speaking in rational sentances . . all there.  No one knows how good that makes me feel.

 

jan 9

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3390168/Migrant-rape-fears-spread-Europe-Women-told-not-night-assaults-carried-Sweden-Finland-Germany-Austria-Switzerland-amid-warnings-gangs-ordinating-attacks.html#comments

 

we are not hearing too much about the European rape crises here in the U.S.  But it IS  a big deal.

 

Jan 13

Talked with V.Rehab  yesterday and i think i have a plan of action. First get certified as a caregiver through d.s.h.s..  It does not take a lot of training time and would have a job skill that is in high demand around here.  Then, I become Darrell’s PAID caregiver.  That is extra income fotr doing exactly what I have been doing for free the past two years.  He will need more intensive care in the not so distant future and I can continue to upgrade from caregiver to say, an L.P.N.  If I stay sober.  This gives me a living while i go to school.  There are lots of grants available right now.  I had thought about medical billing, coding or something like that . . .but apparently the market is flooded. Don’t think i would be a great accountant . . but who knows.

There’s a lot of computer savy women competing for sit down, receptionist type jobs . . .having tossed this around and formulated our plan the next step is to get down to d.s.h.s and get signed up for that training.  Then, get down to the tech school or community college and see what they got , talk with some advisors and probably take some testing.  I already did some testing and did fairly well, high average as a whole.  I would have to take some prerequisite math I guess to bring that up.   I can always do typing tutorials at a number of places here in Bellingham for free and complete courses on line.

I think getting certified as a caregiver is a very rational first move for the immediate future.  It can make our lives a breeze and it’s a safety net in case they pull the plug on S.S.A or anything else.  I could bring home 7 or 800 bucks, maybe more as Darrell’s official caretaker.  Im already doing that . . cleaning, cooking ect . . .and his heath is getting more and more fragile and he will need more nursing as time goes by.  At last . . a good plan.

Went through a bad spell last week.  Uncomfortable feelings, memories and emotions triggered by a number of things.  But rarin to go today.

january 23

Down sick with asthma and chest cold.  Really bad this time.  Darrell and i took a drive out to Lummi shore, our meditation spot, yesterday and that is always healing .  On the way back we passed by the Life church which Darrell ahs become increasingly involved in.  On Fridays they have coffee social but I told him i was feeling too poorly to visit.  he says i just don’t want to be healed.

1/24

I think we broke up for good. I spent the day at Darrell’s, too sick to do much except watch t.v. . . although I made several meals.  In the evening he wanted something sweet so, even though I was really, dragging I made a cake.  He then wanted pancakes.

I didn’t say nothing , just made them but inwardly it was like . . jeez, can’t you get up and do something for yourself when you know Im sick? I woke up after midnight, Darrell was sleeping so I took the remote and flipped to the Daily show.  He woke up in a bit and complained  i wasn’t watching it, so i handed him the remote and said here, watch what you want, Im going to sleep now.  Then he got up in a roar and demanded I get dressed, he was taking me home.  He’d had enough of this.  He does this so often, upsets mewith these attacks, and when I started to put on my clothes he tells me to just settle back down.Like it’s nothing.   This time I was tired of it . . it’s not a game, it kills me emotionally so I said just take me home.  I didn’t upbraid him, didn’t cry or argue.   he raged  that every time he had me over there was a’ problem’.  It wasn’t even a problem.  I was trying to kill him he yelled at me.  At that point i said, I’m the one that’s dying, inside and out.  then he acted like i was creating the problem by wanting to go home. Instead of his attacking me all the time. There’s no point in visiting . . . yesterday he was even joking about marraige and i thought, maybe i will have a future after all, decent health care . . but it isn’t realistic.

So he handed back the birds, which i had donated to him and we drove back in silence. Only that he said he would probably head back to S.D next week.  I feel like my world is collapsing and i am making vane confused attempts to pull it together, while doing such self defeating things . . .trying to work, cover my rent, and then getting in debt big time by overdrafting on instant gratification every time i get hurt, overdrafting too  so i can put gas in Darrell’s car and buy him his weed and medicine.I am in big big trouble over this.

I can’t continue to be thrown out all the time.  Im staying home now.  Im O.K. when psychologically Im on my own . . i seem to have a history of hooking up with guys who like to do these’midnight raids’ as i call them.  Dan Sullivan was like that too . . only scarier because he packed a 9 mm.  that’s why i was so broken in dinky town, that brief 6months of my lfe that my enimies use to disparage me as if if were charecterisitic of my whole life.

I was feeling really guilty about relapsing last week. like i was just a loser, like i couldn’t make it, but Darrell was kind of joking about setting me up with this stuff, . . only thing is, with intensive therapy I ought to be at the point where I take on responsibility for the way i respond.  The thing is, it IS a disapointment and hurt to Darrell that brings on rejection, a kind of meaness, or selfishness on my part.

i’ve had enough of this going out of my way only to be cast out,  finally.  i got it from my folks the last time i was home, then the family gets together and discusses karen and Im out of the family circle, again . . . I got it at Tacoma, i got it with Darrell.  At least now, there is no more get out get out get out shit . . .at least, not in my personal space.  if Im careful.

I know the town thinks im the village idiot but perhaps i can still build a better life, Actually go back to meetings, find support,

go to coffee houses.

Sunday

cold lessening a little. Still bad though.  Nice to putter around my house and arrange things, cook up so spicy red beans and corn chowder, water plants, nothing much to write about and that is O.K> with me.

 

thursday

Cold and asthma still dragging me. Especially asthma.    I have finished up a number of hats and it’s fun to be thinking about color and design again.  it brings me to life.  i had a good cry this morning.

strutted and fretted around my stage a bit.  As much as many would have me heard no more, we   . . oh crap i used that word, WE.  NEVER use that word in this house . . . .” I” . . . still am making a ‘problem’ it seems.  Im picking up on that . . oh, Im sorry, I mean Im using assumptive thinking.  Exactly HOW am I picking up on that . . . ah . . . . well, after a several day absence i  visited Darrell, my asthma was too bad and the wind up here was gale force and i could not get home from work   without him so i  used the Sioux de Coup and brought it home to his camp after work.  After a decent breakfast, the same old crap started up.  The dishes.  The grease.  and so on . . the anger, the negativity. But its a joke he says . . . . just his way.

Sometimes people just need each other . . who are we kidding about model relationships where healthy means no body needs and relys on each other. Everyone does.   he needs food.  I am sick, I need car.  If I get a ride to D.S. H.S we got food for a year . . and so on. then again . . if i was in emotional balance then i would not be sick and could bike all over independently   after midnight.

Back to Karen the problem . . . I mentioned that I needed to buy another  camera. I considered options.  camera phone.  digital camera.  Track phone . . he blew up and said i wanted the inactive T mobile he had.  he would delete all his cherished family pics and give it to me.  I tried to say I didn’t want that phone but he was in his self destructive tantrums  . . i was trying to destroy his family, I was being a problem again.  I was the problem.  So once again i asked him to drop me off at home, where i strutted and fretted . . . feeling there was no way out of the escalating cycle.  I had tried and everyone had failed me.  everyone i tried to trust.  I once again determined not to contact ever again . . but then sadly realized, shit would hit the fan , as usual if i tried this.

I can’t just pick up and leave cold.  I have a city picked out but i just wont have the funds untill next month.  Nor can i get any help from friends, family. so i must continue  going back.

thurs

Another thing has been saddening me.  Lauren has decided to end his life the second week of February.  He has aids and at the moment no longer has any immune system so he has been fighting for the right to die and has finally found people to assist him.

He has been sharing his journey in this on face book.  Ive known Lauren for years and he was quite a charecter.  flamboyently gay, sharp, witty, sometimes mean        and sometimes very kind.12592665_998246276891450_5274588965744281634_n                10297566_997653246950753_553235476833313896_n

He was an awesome baker and a clever artist who never ceased to amaze me with his imaginative resourcefulness.

I am feeling an absence already.  He could be nasty sometimes in his criticisms of me, and others, but often he was sympathetic.  Last year at this time, when Darrell and Curtis were acting out he was protective when I saw him at the market.  He would say Honey, come over and set up next to me and positioned himself as a barrier . Took me under his wing.   . . .we had a fun couple of years, that bunch of us that sold at the market.  The one bright spot in my life .  I tried so hard to put things on a proactive footing, financing the reproduction of Darrell’s art so he could make money as well as offering my own crafts. And things turned on me over and over. people determined to  demonize, marginalize.  I fought for the space to love.  to create, for a while I held out in the nest,  and I lost, now we are back to karen the problem we have to get rid of again.

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Lauren is holding a party for friends, going out in grand style, as he lived.  I wish I had that kind of style and courage but I am more like Hamlet, continuing to suffer the slings and arrows, especially the arrows of outrageous fourtune because my thoughts of that undiscovered country give me pause.  Ahhh, that undiscovered country  . . .

That’s what all the strutting and fretting is about.

 

 

 

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