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July 2022

I’ve been rather disintegrated following the call from Gary. But I’m back working again, just a working stiff job but it will do.

Feeling a bit better. Darrell asked me for money, his grandson was in the hospital with mysterious skin rash or blisters and he wanted to visit, buy some food and gas for Melinda. Yeah, terrified as I’ve been of going under, I lent it. It was a successful grandchild visit, everyone united and happy. Of course he doesn’t thank me. That’s because he doesn’t care.

I’m wondering if that skin eruptions could be vaccine related. His tribe was giving out 2000 to take the vaccines and boosters. It’s happening more and more., the blistering and rashes. They will try to convince us it’s monkey pox no doubt.

Poor kid. I hope he pulls through. Well I’m broke, but it was worth seeing Dsrrell so happy, and able to be there. It’s what’s he’s tried to do, so disastrously all year.

But is it worth all the fallout in MY life. Would he give a damn if I lost my apartment, became indigent??

7/2

There’s also that truth that whatever energy you give, you get back. Even if one person is the aggressor and the other the target they are both dominated by themes of fear, domination, and pain.

Love doesn’t ask if it will be returned. It just is. It returns in some form.

Maybe love for self. Greater life energy.

Woke early and made up a bunch of grub.

Biscuits and gravy. Fry bread. Rice. Soup. A plate of scalloped potatoes and sausage with kraut for Dad. Fed the birds. Watered the flowers. Cleaned the fridge and freezer. Now off to Dads with some breakfast and dinner.

I may go down to Darrell’s later. With the fry bread and dinner. Maybe hang out in the yard w Monica and fam

6/4

Did both. Darrells visit has been a lot of fun. I brought him back last night

I cut grass this morning, and plucked herbs and mint out of my overgrown garden. Darrell cleaned and oiled my shears and loppers, de stemmed the mint and picked up sticks and helped put together the grill.It began to thunder and pour minutes before I finished. And rain it did.

Now, if we can put up my canopy, and set up the grill we can have a neighborly BBQ

I wish I could do something with Dad, it may be the last 4th of July he can see and enjoy.

But, it would embarrass me to have him see how delapatated the property is. I haven’t kept up with weeds this summer , and things revert to Minnesota jungle really fast here along the Mississippi if it isn’t controlled

6/4

https://twitter.com/mrandyngo/status/1543422504684949504?s=21&t=Wj4P96Q4zjqMdQ_

Oh… to be in the Pacific Northwest again

Me … I’d make my point about dudes aggressive driving, if I thought it was an endangerment and then leave. Why force it to a stand off, that’s so dangerous. People are provoked to violence by much, much less. Aggressive drivers often are fueled by “road rage”. Always risky to tangle with them. Good way to get hurt or shot. Dide articulated a commen perspective among Natives.

A lot of Indian dudes dislike white women, something talking circle therapists are surprised to hear.

Something about the video seems a bit staged.

6/7

Birds are chirping me awake. It’s been a good couple of days in spite of set backs.

I’ve had some unusual temp assignments. I couldn’t reach high enough with the big boxes to palletize due to the pinched nerve in my shoulder/ arm ( can’t lift arm) so I’m on to to bold new frontiers in temp assignments. Today I am going from store to store inspecting the freshness of cola cola products in stores. ( absurd, like inspecting the freshness of pee). Next week I get to be a chaperone for a visiting chiropractor who comes up from the cities once a week.

Well, anything looks good after the 100 degrees weekend of many toilets. It’s all up hill from there. At least there’s variety, new people, new experiences. I have interviews lined up, but I’m enjoying this temp chapter and kind of hate to become a slave again. I swore I would never do dietary ever ever again but I’m getting lots of calls. It seems I am not as black listed as some people would like.

Ashley says she misses me, so do a few from St Bens, so the judge jury and executioner thing is not as absolute as it’s adherents believe. They don’t have the great power of WE the way they think they do. But sabotage will be a problem .

More to say on that later.

Darrell and I are enjoying many good meals and are being gentle and appreciative with each other. He is quieter these days. Me too. More accepting.

I am enjoying an alchohol free time together, the fog of crying around lifts and a joy of everyday life returns, free of anger and fear, and division.

6/10

Took some lazy time this weekend. Went to the Dr. My rotor cuff in shoulder is damaged. They are talking physical therapy and even surgery… they always push for the Maximum . I bet it heals on its own.

Darrell and I watched Conclusion of Dark winds last night. Excellent program.

I’m supposed to be a chaperone at a Ciropractors office tomarrow.

Just sit there and be chaperone with his female clients.

I got hired in two different places today.

6/15

Had my court date yesterday. A big fine and 6 years probation. Or a year in jail. Kind of punitive for a first DUI. I also have to do treatment.

The good news is I am looking forward to starting my new job. Very nice people. I like them already. My employer is from Washington so we had that to chat about.

Met Lynn’s granddaughter at Dads last night. Charming little girl, and her Dad, Kent, is one of the most cheerful and happy people z I’ve ever met. They were so friendly to me it put an ache in my heart. But it Lynn and Brian’s wish that I be excluded from family affairs. It has carried over into the community a great deal too.

I’m in the dog house again for ‘ making fun’ of people in my blog entry about the weekend of many toilets. The description of the military ball. I was having fun with that. A lot of women here want me excluded, even to leave town and they band together to try to do this.

When I first began my last job my boss muttered to hersel “ keep it up my sisters,” and I knew what she was referencing.

I’ve been u against a lot, and still despite all the effort and money and time spent, I still remain unliked by white and Native people alike.

You’d think with the worries that came with COVID lockdowns, that whole theater that essentially mocked Americans as it destroyed them, and all the info that has come out about vaccine deaths, infertility, the rise in infant deaths, and now the looming threat of a war with Russia, even nuclear engagement possible not to mention the collapse of all systems … you’d think ‘ who we like’ would shrink in importance.

I almost got brought down for good last month. The Darrell vortex proved as fatal as I always understood it to be. And it’s still not over. Dad will not release anymoreh of my money he invested for me, even though I need it now and it may prove to be worthless in the near future.

With all the craziness in out society you’d think the hostile pathologizing of Karen would sputter out, and it amazes me that I still have to encounter it, that it still has the power to wound me, bring me down, especially when I’ve tried hard to be positive, a team player.

But this next job seems good.

6/15

Resting this morning. Excet for arm , relatively pain free.

Of course, I DO have redeeming qualities. The no redeeming characteristics thing was a elite liberal smear that was being pushed.

Should I concern myself with the judgements of politicians steeped in pedohilla, sex trafficking associations and so many crimes and deceptions.

I did a lot, a lot to help Darrell with his art, his family and his basic housing and needs. Was I a perfect person. No. But I was loyal from the start, there were no hanky Panky scandals. That was jealousy, suspicion, possessiveness and evil street campaign. It was evil.. and for some reason it resonated with people and became a mass psychosis.

Did shitty stuff happen before I met darrell, in 1996. , yeah. We’re there people from earlier chapters in my life that held long grudges. Yeah. But they had issues of thier own too. It was the dems who made it thier mission to ‘ find everything she’s ever done’ and ‘ expose’ it. I remember Racheal Maddie being one of the chief proponents of that.

It was all out in the open, all the statements they made about thier intentions, and there were so many. 0ne by one. How far can WE take it… as far as we want. We are all coming together to bring you down. Is it TIME.

What I did do was analyze the world of Minnespolis and the series of events that came from there to create crises for me.

A subject of controversy still.

Still so much heat behind the judgements that I made poor lifestyle choices, that I brought down all that on myself, that I deserved, got what I had coming. And so on.

Yet.

I went out of my way to assist my parents in thier final years.

I was a working person, hard working.

I didn’t use drugs.

I had intellectual curiosity, I thought for myself.

I made time for my own creativity . I didn’t force vaccinations on anyone. Or create wars. Io didn’t destroy any ones family. Or put anyone in prison. I never robbed anyone. Threatened to kill anyone. Gloated in the destruction of another. Created a kill list.

No redeeming characteristics. Hmmm .Like them??

6/Tues

Darrell back in St. Paul. Neither of us did much while he was here. It was really hot and humid and we were in our own little worlds, not active at all. But neither did we quarrel. And he didn’t even pick on my driving much.

Started my onboarding with Kwik trip. They have high performance expectations, and Minnesota ‘ nice’ is the golden rule of customer service, But it is a rapidly successful and growing company. Not all stressed out like assisted living facilities the past. Few years. It’s been tough on me, physically, and emotionally and now I cannot believe really that good fortune has really come my way. I can walk or ride my bike to work, that’s gas money saved. I will not be overburdened , exhausted all the time.

Yet, I find myself missing all the ladies I worked with, especially St. Bens.

I will be in debt for a while yet, but there’s hope.

My goals. My immediate goals are to get in shape again, lose weight, get healthy. I’m not going to spend my last years a grumpy , frumpy, ugly , slow , limping thing. Head down and beaten. No.

I have to work on my aura, my interactions with others. Get my mind and body active and engaged .

I’ve been in a sort of stunned sense od defeat the past weeks. I’ve lost my spirit.

I also want to live more spiritually. Rid myself of those things that block or destroy it within me.

My self examination is more rigorous than I delve into in my blog. Too much can be as destructive as too little. Negative self talk creates a bad aura.

Last night I dreamt I went to Scotland. Just to check it out. I had a beer at a pub. I walked around a little sight seeing. The ocean was dramatic. Apparently I’d come to a scruffy town, sort of the armpit of Scotland, and a lot of the guys looked kind of scruffy, but they were pretty friendly.

Hmmm

Just wrote a entry but it didn’t post.

The last dream had to do with Bellingham.

Dreamt last night that I set up a sting on Willy R. I wanted the cops to show up at his place and find out about him.

I think this dream was influenced by ‘ the fall’ which I was watching before I fell asleep. It’s about the investigation of a serial sexual sadist in Belfast. A good cop drama of that kind of drama. Came out around 2014, when a lot of dark drama of similar sort were showing, like the Killing. We are living in a different time now, and there’s no deep interest in this subject matter anymore. Although it’s still relevant.

Who was Willy R?? There’s the core of the dark mystery of the Dinky town story. I will explore that later, it’s dark.

Dream reflects a wish that this could really be investigated and some justice served by exposure. But it won’t.

Odd that I should have this dream, only a night before controversy about the clearing out of a homeless camp in Minneapolis following the torching of 3 residences hit the local news.

Residents interviewed said that they had been making complaints for some time to no avail, that the city always does nothing until there’s an incident then they come swooping down. They claimed the fires were retaliation for thier complaints. They said they felt ‘ abandoned’ by the city.

Another Phillips neighborhood resident said the actions against the homeless camp were sudden brutal and cruel. They had been given a warning but no date had been given for thier evacuation. The woman stressed several times that these actions were cruel against people who were struggling and abandoned.

Abandoned. Both home owners and homeless feel abandoned by the city.

That’s the way I felt a lot of the time in Minneapolis. And so did a lot of the poor. as well as working class.

Everyone feels abandoned . And has a sense of the world as ‘cruel’. Yep. All sides feel retaliated against.

I have many thoughts about this tension that has arisen about the arson traced ( blamed?) on the homeless camp and it’s subsequent bulldozing. I’d noticed a recent intolerance here in St Cloyd as well.

I will write more on this but I have a roast in the oven, banana bread baking and dishes to do and a swim to get in before I visit my friend at Eldets z Lidge who is feeling abandoned.

Monday July 27

A good visit, and a timely visit to St. Paul. Darrell had started in drinking with a few friends but hadn’t descended into crazy mess or toxic anger. I brought down a pot roast and helped him tidy up. This morning his check from Standing Rock came in.

I’m glad I went down to show some TLC and beat back the devil. All is good today. He bought me lunch. Making beef barley soup.

The big news story is the Popes visit to Canada to apologize and do prnence for the victims of Catholic residential school abuse.

I was following Kevin Arnett when he struggled to uncover and expose that story.

Those Natives out there aren’t going to make it easy for the zPope. There’s too much bitterness and trauma.

Later… here’s a thought. Instead of giving him a ceremonial headdress, which Northwest tribes don’t even wear … they should have given him one of those little black pork pie hats the cool Native guys like to wear. Wouldn’t he be snazzy then.