Late May 2018

26 05 2018

Dream

Darrell died.  I was grieving.  I had a roll of 35 mm film with me that contained pictures of him.  I tried to find a place to process it and did not find a dark room.  It was briefly opened in the light and then i was angry at myself and distraught that I had ‘ruined’ it.  I decided to try to process it anyway hoping that a faint image might still be there.  I was distraught because ‘the boys’ took ownership of the funeral as though they were the closest associates . . and i was excluded.

Notes.

perhaps this dream is about processing something in the light, or bringing something out in the light instead of in a dark room . . . thereby ruining the images of Darrell i still have.

 

Advertisements




May 2018

5 05 2018

Can’t sleep.  Having cop chase nightmares.  Two nights in a row.  In this last dream Darrell was chasing me too . . .AND the cops.

At the house now.  Dad certianly does need my help.  I think he has been lonely, headache that my Mom was the past two years .  I find the canned food diminished, and the freezer pretty bare . except for sweets and desserts.  He seems quite frail now.  His mind is still very sharp. That’s because he used it all the time managing his affairs and keeping up his correspondance, as well as keeping up with issues.   I made up some sausage and saurkraut with taters for dinner and it seemed to make him happy after weeks of microwave instant dinners.  I also did a little cleaning and washing.  I have a pretty good idea of the routine they had and what he was used to as far as division of household duties.  Pretty traditional.

Mom’s room is in the process of being packed up.  We took some boxes to charites and still much to go.  She bought and hoarded a lot of clothes . . good ones.  What a lot of money thrown away. I offered to take over a few pieces of furniture and some wall hangings and favorite lamps for Mom but Dad insisted that Lynn was doing that and i best not piss her off.  Most people prefer to be comforted by some of their favorite things . . . I wonder why the resistance to doing that for Mom.

I saw Mom yesterday.  She knew me and was very glad to see me.  Happy that I would be around now untill . . .well, as needed.  She asked about ‘the big fella’ and remembered him.

I fear the Big fella is in a bad spot and his family is not happy that I ‘dumped’ him back on the rez without a car.  I am feeling deeply troubled and sad as well.  Darrell was awfull during the ride across country . . in spells . . he never wastes these oppurtunities to chew on me and threaten to take off at some point and so on . . he came close to leaving me in Spokane, over my choice of c.d. . . but i knew he was still detoxing and suggested he buy some weed in Spokane,and that was the magic word.  He was good to me once we got to Standing Rock.  I think it was because he felt it would be farewell, and i too had an ominous feeling he might not survive this bout on the rez.  He bought me some earrings, took me for lunch at the Prarie Dog cafe and gave me traveling money to get to St. Cloud.  leaving himself, without much money and no car. It was hard to leave him at his nephews place and go on . . my teddy bear, he was like my big brother, always pickin on me but always trying to school me. He was many things  and there was no one like him. His personality was so individual, difficult, a delight , a riot, and a terror. He is kind and unkind . Tough, messed up, hero to some,  a troublemaker to others, and always uniquely creative, uniquely un assimilated. A role model for rebels. . he has a real heart, a real soul. he is no half completed person. And for some reason, although it often seemed like he hated me, he loved me

He tried to show me what made up the sum of him, what his Lakota heritage was, what his experience had been . . .and I in turn, helped him share that through art, thelped tell his story, looked after him and enjoyed, despite the arguing, the many many meals filled with teasing.

I felt, when I got in my car and pulled away from running antelope drive that I at finally grown up. And then, I was on my own, negotiating my way out of Standing Rock and the rest of the journey on my own.  .  i realize now that i left with strenghtth that I had gained from them.

 

Tuesday

Dang it.  I lost my phone.  That is a major set back.  The car is not running so hot either.  Everything and everyone is falling apart on me. All my peoples inch by inch leaving me. What have I been desperately trying to do the past few years but  desperately hold on to them. I can’t even hold on to a phone.

Hit up the temp agencies yesterday and have a couple of interviews today.  I will probably be doing pick and pack 2nd shift for now.  There’s plenty to be done at the house. Just keeping it cleaned up and groceries  and meals is a full time job.  Dad has a daily list of tasks he wants to get done.  Digging up the flower garden is one of them and that thing is full of tree roots.  We worked together last night.  I did the heavy spading and Dad followed with a pitch fork straining out the remaining roots.  he fell over.  I feared he had a heart attack . . from trying to do so much for so long.  But it was a temporary fall.  I know his heart has been breaking with the burden of all this.  Just as my mother’s is at being in a nursing home.  She begs to go home to see her things, all the trees from her window, all the things that had meaning to her over the years.

It troubles me greatly to see how the system , especially here, discards people when they do not support the quo.  i was discarded.  it is not fun. And yet all of this . . the comforts, the nice houses is an artificial construct, a false god, an illusion.  A protective illsion that in the end, cannot protect against the heartaches of life and death.  No real courage can be gleaned from worshiping it.

I had to, throughout my life stay in lots of places I did not want to be in.  Most people, by the time they get to old age have aquired some humility and grace to accept reduced power and reduced circumstances.  My mother vocally does not and it is annoying some of the other residents that she has not even bothered to get to know.   My mother thought she was an authority,was catered to and  led to believe she was all powerfull ( as so many women are)  that everything belonged to her, that she could rule and reject people so easily over their imperfections . . . only to find the tables turned, tragically, heartbreakingly and cruelly against her now . She found in reality she had no real power. Now she has nothing.  I think many, many mainstream  white women in america have  a collective mentle illness which amounts to a sense of protective delusion of being all powerfull. It protects them from the inner knowlege that they are totally expendable.  Not terribly unusual or important after all. their power only came from the rewards of sustaining the system . . . it wasn’t real power.   I already know that about myself. That I’m expendable.  people who know this right from the start are better adapted.   My stay in a nursing home will be easy . . if i ever live that long, which i doubt.

It is peacefull at the house. My Dad and I are getting on fine so far. I suspect he will at some point start playing sargent with me but so far , as long as i do not do stupid things or mess up his routine then it’s working out.

Have not heard from Darrell. I heard he is hanging out with the boys in downtown Mc Laughlin.

There is nothing i can do short of go and try to rescue him . . .I don’t even think they have a detox here anymore.  I feel I have traded in my support of him for the support of my father, who has material rewards to offer.  But . . it was something I HAD to do, like it or not . . . I am not,any kind of warrior it seems. But what could i do?  I could not live in Standing Rock . . i wasn’t wanted there.  I could have given him my car i suppose but then I would have been liable for the inevitable drunk driving. Maybe he needs to hit the finality of bottom . . . he too, thought he could do whatever he wanted to people because he was the important one. He could rely on his ability to con, to charm and so on . . . and now it’s run out. But, he will always have himself, the inner richness he has, even on the streets of McLaughlin.

Whatever out surviaval strategies, our ego strategies . . it seems all of us have run out of moves.

(later)

I could, I suppose, sign my car over to Darrell before it coughs and whines out of existance.

Wednesday

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/apr/25/raw-hatred-why-incel-movement-targets-terrorises-women

Just read that article.  It took them this long to see this?? This stuff has been around for a long, long time and it’s much uglier, pervasive than the article touches on.  I used to read the commentaries on Alex Jones years ago just to see what they were thinking . What i was dealing with.   Am still dealing with periodically.  I rarely write about the true extent to which I became targeted in Bellingham, and elsewhere, because it’s such a terrible feeling, and i had to live and work there. And talking about it is seen as a ‘attitude problem’.   But it was much worse than anyone knows.  The gaurdian is just now talking about this?? A little slow on the up take i would say.

Monday 12th May

On my second week here.  i start my evening job tonight but it will be another week, after Friday before a regular pay check comes in.  I did a few days at Coburns bakery in the cake room. There’s a handfull of hardworking women that have worked there for 20 or more years that put out all those highly creative cakes in the stores around here.  It was the beginning of fishing season so we made some specialty cupcakes  wit6h blue icing and little plastic bobbers on the top.  Welcome back to Minnesota!! We did a ton of other theme based cupcakes as well for future holidays. The fourth of July cupcakes had red white and blue sprinklies and a little candy medallion with a a flad printed on it in edible food ink.  One cupcake, celebrating summer had little plastic sandles and an umbrella on top.  and of course there were all the Mother’s day cupcakes. Some of the cupcakes were esentially spray painted in flourescent swirls of bright color.  All edibel of course.

One lady who has the creative license to decorate cakes in what ever theme moves her was coming up with astonishing wonders .  I especially like the watermelon cake.  What a job .  it’s esentially painting.  She’s a painter.  An artist in frostings. Sugary frostings . It’s esentially a product that’s pure white sugar with no nutritional value . . and that is her medium.  Toxic whiteness.  ( It’s a joke)   . We women have always used whatever medium we are given to express our creativity, our love of color and design, we are and have always been artists . . in weaving, tapestry, clothes design . . .cakes. What ever we are given.   And if toxic whiteness is the medium . . we find a way to make art of it. Turn it into something beautiful.

Now, I settle into an evening job making optical lenses.  I’m going to miss the cake room but must do something that allows me time during the day to attend to my parents .  I finished digging out the roots in the flower bed. Dad and i getting on  O.K. but he is a person very regemented in his routines and does not like any mistakes, forgetfullness or deviation.  Already I’ve forgotten to lock the door once or twice and left the oven on.  Sooner or later there will be a lashing out . . there always is but for now the peace and quiet here is restorative.  I sleep soundly and alot.  I think Ive been sleep disrupted for a long, long time and did not fully realize how exhausted i was the past two years.  Dad too, has been exhausted for a long, long time.

I got a message on f.b from Darrell . . .just a link to an article about some product that hot on the wieght loss scene.  That’s it.  Reminding me that i am too fat.  I was ticked off.  Wondering why i would even be around some one who was so addicted to insult.  Now that I’m away from it i can see it more clearly. But i suppose there are so many like that it became almost normal.

I did do up some of his recent art work but cannot find any envelope so far for the cards.  i will send it off to him.  I got  a call the other night . . send money.  Come visit. Get an apartment for us. Im not sure what I’m going to be doing right now.

Mom has her up days and rebellion days when she tries to escape, gets angry with her family for locking her up and expresses a lot of grief over having no personal power and the loss of everthing that was important to her. My family has given me instructions to do as they say regarding her . . not to encourage her to think about anything outside the walls of the nursing home, not even take her for a drive.

I have alot to deal with in my heart right now.

Saturday May 18

It is very warm and absolutely georgeous out now.  All the Lilacs are out, the apple trees and hawthorn trees bursting in color . . it’s spring twice. Once in WA with all it’s plum trees, tulips, rhoddendrones, dogwood, magnolias and here, with all the leafy trees,lilacs and sultry pre thunderstorm weather. My heart is made happy at the prospect of being able to spend a whole summer in my once beloved Minnesota . . . a whole summer ion the Midwest. Renting canoes, doing some fishing, swimming in lakes, hanging out at the quarries, visiting the awesome library, taking the rail down to Minneapolis on weekends if I want.  Minnesota is the best place in the summer.

Darrell got hit by lightening.  it blew out the windows of his car while he was sitting in it watching all the power and majesty of a storm across the plains of Standing Rock.

He survived.  He’s been staying with relatives and staying sober, doing art.

 

Doesn’t getting zapped by lightening sound like the right kind of death for him though??  I mean it’s so . . extraordinary and powerfull . . not slow coughing and pooping from some disease but an all powerfull, quick ,spectacular  zap.  I guess the creator decided to spare this one.  it wasn’t his time yet.  But it’s like . . you want to see power . . zap, flash. car bursts.  How’s that.  Now THAT’s power..

Me. I’, m content with rain and lilacs.  I find myself happy . . as long as I do not think about how i was a political hit and all i went through over the years and how it will never, ever come out but be forgotten, because the media decided case closed.  As if it ever were a case, which means a fair trial, facts, not a witch hunt and hate fest orchestrated by media controlled ‘court of public opinion’. We all fade away . . for me, my destiny in the end is to be alone, forgotten, unloved. AS it is for many of us.   But I still have, for now, the smell of fresh midwestern soil, the hot sultry sunny days I’ve missed, and peace . . .peace, at last.

Tuesday 23

So much for peace.  Big time money and rent issues. Darrell wanting me to help him but no time, no resources.

I got so many people demanding payments  i don’t know what to do . . . the last couple of years i did so much to try to help people and look at whats happening to me.  I’, still demonized.  STILL criminalized.  STILL put down and socially abused.  I exhausted myself trying to meet others demands . . as i have for years . . and i put myself in debt.  i tried to fudge here and there to meet these demands . . not reporting income so that i had enough damn money to pacify the SpottedHorses . . . no use.  Darrell drained methis winter . . . and now the family is still asking me to rescue him in some way. Meanwhile everyone is punishing me for the non reported income . . landlord, social security . . . I made a small payment agreement with them so maybe i can get some benefits back.  Maybe. Now the tenents back at my WA apartment are texting me to prove Im still alive and threatening to call the police because they are ‘worried’.  I had to take care of that pronto .  if they had reported me missing and expressed what they saw about my relationship with Darrell  I’d be in a lot of trouble.  Not that the police particularly care.  Thayve always known and turned a blind eye but a police report from a ‘concerned neighbor’ . . .they can’t ignor that. The housing authority would be up in arms for my ‘violation of the rules’ in helping out Darrell.  Id be evicted.  I probably6 will be anyway . . there’s no point in fighting any more.

Dad spends a quite a lot on the things needed for his home projects, like flowers and so on.  Im not getting any more payment for my work any more . . just wages.  Too little, too late. somehow i must come up with the dough to pay my landlord in Bellingham immediatly.

Thursday

They sure don’t pay shit through manpower.  I’ll have to look for a real job.  I’m starting to know some of the gals at work.  Made a casual friend with a tex-mex lady. I guess the 24 hour taco joint on 25th is where peeps hang out after work.

Made a payment arrangement with the land lord. Also found some one bedrooms across the street that are only 400, plus deposit.  Im supposed to look at some rooms for rent today but too tired and Dad has a funeral he needs driving to. Im O.K> just staying here . . .it drives me nuts but it’s needed, and it does me some good just to have the space to sleep well and restore.  if i could just stay here the summer I could catch up on all my payments i think.  I mentioned to Dad that i might take a one day trip . . meaning Standing Rock.  He didn’t say anything but i could see he was furious.  He won’t tolerate Darrell in any shape or form.  Considering all the stuff that Darrell pulled that indirectly affected him can I blame him?? But this is a huge problem for me.  It could be a catylist, as i predicted over a year ago for a open visable conflict.  and there are people, antifa people and others just itching for one here. . if not actually setting it up.  And of course, no matter what decision i make, i will be blamed by all sides.   I might just go back to WA to avoid this . . . but then, that will mean abandoning my folks in their hour of need.  I think they are my priority.  Darrell did not birth me or raise me or buy me little dresses, or bail me out of troubles.

 

(Later)

Who the hell is Tomi Lahren? A conservative commentator i guess.  I’ve never heard of her but apparently enough people have to fill the commentaries with vitrol in support of some one who threw water on her at the Union rooftop in Minneapolis where she was attending some sort of hip hop brunch.  A hip hop brunch? At the Union? What the heck??? The Union, as i remember is a pretty high class place . . strange place to hold a hip hop brunch I think.  And brunch is such a middle class thing . . I don’t know, it just sounds funny.  And what the hell was she doing there if she was as ‘racist’ and neoNazi as the commentators are claiming. . . it almost looks deliberate.Like a set up, knowing what was likely to occur.   Why not perkins or something.

I’ve been away from MN for a long time so Im not UP on the political scene . . . . but people DO act out hate in Minneapolis. Don’t know how that compares to other areas but . . . I remember when i was visiting Minnesota  back in 2000 I was walking down the street in downtown Minneapolis and some one dumped some bricks and stuff out an upper window missing me by inches.  That was my clue to the intensity.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





April 2018

13 04 2018

Spring is finally breaking. Trees leafing at last in translucent green. Weeping willows and yellow forsyth dot a landscape filled with pinks and white blossoms.

 

It takes a very dedicated depressive NOT to feel a quickening of spirit and joy.  Darrell takes the car out most mornins . . which doesn’t bother me now since it leaves me time to crawl into cognition at my own pace.  Time to piddle around  here and there at will around the house, crank up some classical music, do yoga, what ever.  I have dished out a chunk of dough since the last pay day on printing up his art, also bought him a much needed pair of glasses.  He has been prolific, leafing in a new direction in translucent greens.

It is good to see him active and happy again.  The pouty part of me is always feeling financially taken advantage of, but the better side of me cheers to see my efforts to help him empower himself bringing something good into being.  When he has his art to sell he is esentially  going into business, doing what he does best . . sell his personality, so he is out making friends and contacts and he has his own money to use as he wants. The people who buy his art get something they want.  Darrell is busy and is getting the licks of positive recognition for positive things, and I get to cut my toenails and put on a pot of berbere chicken in peace.  It’s been a formula that was a powerhouse and worked well for us  in the past . . when we put our heads together this way  we are . . astounding.  Not charecters in adversity, or some Jerry Springer drama . . . We are strong and unusual people with a solid understanding and teamwork again.

Darrell is doing a series of very funny cartoons featuring the bond of horse and Indian.  It is hysterically funny. 

Me, I have some hats ready to go to market as soon as the weather gets sunny.

Mom is adjusting to the nursing home now.  She seems cheeerful when she is visited and says she is cared for and the people are very nice.  Dad reluctantly admits she seems happier.  That is  this HUGE dark weight off my shoulders that been weighing me down for a number of years now.  It is done. And it seems to be for the best.  Dad complains a little that he doesn’t quite know what to do with himself now.  Mom is getting lots and lots of attention and care now.  They have a large aviary where she’s at and she likes to watch the birds.

In a strange twist of  story . . . Kate came home from New York to help Dad pack and sort through some of Mom’s stuff.  Mom had alot of clothes, good clothes.  Darrell’s aunt in St. Cloud came and picked them up  and will give them to Olena in Standing Rock in May.  So even Mom’s precious clothes, the things she fussed over to maddening lenghths go to Standing Rock in the end.  The elderly women may be wearing her very MN sweatshirts with the cute embrodery on the front , hearth and home themes, or MN moose and stuff.  I was the one that told Lavonne to go pick up the boxes . . .it was either that or the good will, so what the heck, perhaps it will be a good thing.  So Darrell’s relatives meet mine at last . . . Kate and Fred from New York presiding. After all the stuff that began in 99 . . all the antifa stuff recently . . it ends with an exchange of home and hearth sweatshirts with dainty collars going to Standing Rock .  How oddly thing turn out.   Sorry about that George Soros . . . .all kinds of people of all kinds of diverse backgrounds and political views  find ways to get along and work together when they are allowed to.

 

4-30

We take off at midnight in my car.  I don’t trust that car.  3 times i caught Darrell taking it along red river road . . an obstacle course in deep potholes . . and i think it was really fucking up my car. It really upset me that he wouldn’t listen to my wishes.   This journey may finish it. My short lived love affair with having a car.   We have quit the drinking .  We spent a lot of time kicking around our options . . i have a train ticket and deep down inside i wish i could use it.  I am both dreading tyhe thought of traveling once again with an onery and detoxing Darrell , and joy at the burst of beauty in the land ahead, the warm air . . the freedom from work.  I was feeling terrible about quiting my jobs so abruptly when i both needed them and liked them. But Dad caught me at precisely that vulnerable moment when i was feeling like just running.   He said he needed me.  Wether he does or not . . I DO need to see my Mom before she no longer knows me.   Perhaps Dad and i will get on O>K> now that Mom is not presuring him every moment for me ( or nayone else ) to leave.   I hated to confront Dad with instability and uncertianty too.  But i negotiated ‘hardship’ rent adjustment and my rent is pitence this month. . a miracle!!! A life saver. I can keep my apartment for emergency while i scout things out.     I do not have to feel that overwhelming dread at being homless with no reliable source of income in St. Cloud.  I can sleep in the car and work in St. cloud ( if the car makes it) and that relieves me from all the emotions tied to being asked to leave all the time . . . I can do what i want.

I also re applied for social security, reporting no income and that may allow me to get my benifits back.  If so,  this time I will not feel the need to work to ‘be’ somebody, to have extra money . . it all got taken from me when i did,  I’ll just sit back on my ass and do my crafts.  It would be heaven just to have my place to myself in Bellingham for an extended period of time again like i did when Darrell had his own place   . . . . I can be quite happy when i live alone.  But Darrell will be back . . . unless something really changes.

 

 

 





March 2018

4 03 2018

March 3

A little down time out here in Lynden.  Iam still sick , my cough worse and very tired.  28828151_10216566906904920_1291787143841981306_o I enjoyed myself this morning going through patterns and cutting them out for future projects.  Thats the highlight. Overnight when I finish here.

 

March 19

  

I made a little apron for my Mother this week,and was set to send it to her.  then, I hear from my father that a family meeting was set for Monday to deal with Mom’s increasingly regressive tioleting habits.  I had hoped the apron would cheer her up . . just knowing that someone was thinking about her , enough to do up a project for her but it is too late it seems.  I feel so bad for her.  Had she been less isolated , had my father taken nessesary steps earlier it need not have come to this.  I guess she has been refusing to wear her colostomy bag.

I did, when i heard what was going on, make a report to the state and if action is not taken THEY certianly will intervene.  I too should have done this sooner. . . but calling the state on one’s own family is no small thing.  But this will put the presuure on my St. Cloud  family to get moving . . instead of just pretending to look at nursing homes and whining about the costs.  yes, it is expensive . . . . I had tried to get my Dad to get home care as an alternative but he was resistant to this and used Moms territorialness as an excuse to refuse this . . saying it would never be accepted.  I also suggested selling the house and renting  or even renting out the house rather than selling it.  My thinking is that my Dad was secretly hoping my Mom would die before nursing home became the only alternative, so he could hold on to the house and not have to pay out for moms nursing care. .  I think she probably knew this deep down inside.  he could have gotten help if he had wanted . . .now he HAS to foot the huge expense of nursing care because he’s had it, he has no plan set up to bring in extra revenue or bring down his expenses . . like moving to an apartment or renting out the house.  Renting out the house would generate enough to cover much of the nursing care.   The funny thing is . . they live in the most resource rich area for seniors Ive ever been around . . a senior center around the corner, never utilized once . . when socialization would have helped my mother sooo much.  A mentle health clinic just down the block.

There are poor people here and elsewhere that dont have these resources,  that have to make tough decisions as they age, move in with kin, move into subsidized housing wether they like it or not. . they have the wits to arrange these things, I HAVE the wits to make do with less.  They have a fraction of the resources available to my folks.       There was no reason for my folks to have desended into such ‘helplessness’ . . as my Dad constantly expressed it.  Over and over my sisters and i pointed out resources and solutions . . . but it was up to him to make the desisions, they can’t do it for him.

 

Over and over i tried to tell my father that moms behaviors might be a way of expressing resentment for being so emotionally isolated  ( sort of like mine has been up here) . . she felt abandoned. I felt that despite everything my Dad did for my Mom, that she WAS emotionally abandoned . .he made no effort to cut her nails, or have her hair cut even though i repeatedly told him how important hair appointments  are  to an elderly woman.  No effort to take her to the senior center.  My St. Cloud family hardly ever came to see her.  I made frequent trips from the West Coast . . and , i returned so emotionally wounded and screwed up each time  it wasn’t funny.  My doing caretaking for them in their final years at the house should have been the natural and best solution for all of us.  it would have helped me. it would have helped them.  But disturbing patterns that go back to childhood could not be abandoned and over and over i was requested, then when I was there, told to leave.  What a sad ending.  I feel for Mom. I feel for my Dad too but he HAS HAD the pwer all along to aleviate his situation.  ALL he had to do was quit the helplessness performance . .untill he actually was helpless,  which is what he has always used to avoid things, esopecially the emotional needs of others.

I know I am sounded harsh on my father but i have to remember that they abandoned me to poverty in Minneapolis when I was so fragmented after my trip to newport to meet Eddy ( the pivotal decision that began a fatefull course)  .  They never tried to get me social security back then. pay for an apartment. help me with rent when i had bouts of instability. And i certinaly felt very abandoned.   Then I got thrown out of the family when mischief  arising in Minneapolis caught the public attention.

There’s been a recent re examination of the mischief as i term it . . and of course, it veers so far from the actual progession of events that i have given up all hope of ever setting it straight.  But you can’t tell people around here that.  Ive pretty much given up on that too and resigned myself to a menu of unending daily social abuse, even at work, that always insists that I am in denial about ‘what I did’ . . . and that all the bad stuff that was said was ‘all true’.  They even laugh about how i will be in denial to the day i die.  Like they were righteoyus and pure , admirable agents of confrontaion therapy or something .perfect people.   . like all that was ‘THE TRUTH’  instead of the visious hatred that it was, mostly for the joy of it.

I tell you, I get tired of finding lipstick, panties, sunglasses, soiled tampons left for me to find like some kind marker in my car, at Darrell’s old apartment, all kinds of come ons on the internet . . . . not to mention all kinds of tee pee creaping, all kinds of women throwing themselves at Darrell right in front of me . . even when i first came here . . and then being stoned in some kind of collective ‘shaming’  . . . .I wish they could see themselves through my eyes.  But they never will believe a word i say so i don’t even respond anymore when i hear all that ‘vendetta’ talk, all the ‘vigilante’ talk still  being re hashed.  I guess Darrell is being hailed as a vigilante these days . . . all the guys still saying how is is their hero for taking care of ‘the problem’ the way he has . . when actually, it was nothing but exploitation.  But if I am cast as ‘the enimy’ or worse, a supremicist ( only really stupid people can really believe that) then it’s all a fine and noble thing  instead of what it really was.  Ive seen this and known where it was going and why right from the very start . . in Madison days.

 

I did make some sarcastic  joke to Darrell about this the other day.  I pointed out that  dumb people who have swallowed the leftist  line without insight throw around these terms pretty loosely.

A white supremicist  promotes their own race as they see it. and they advocate violence and group protection . . like any gang, if one of their own is messed with. Scare tactics . . like all gangs.  A white supremicist would never let themselves be subjegated ‘for the good of the many’ or put themselves out on a limb to help other people outside their own group. They don’t engage in race mixing, or friendships outside of their own group. and if mess with them . .they will hurt you.

If i had been a white supremicist there would have been retaliation against what happened to me to 99.  It wouldn’t have gotten off the ground.  Racheal Maddow would not have lived too long after her personal attacks on the air back in about 2007.  MSNBC took it that far because ‘they could’ to qoute her . . which means they did not fear any action from me.

The things that have happened to me over the years happened because i had no back up of any kind, no way of defending myself.  Not even legally.  That’s the bottom line.  I had no backup of any kind.

Certianly not the backing of any supremicists who have really, really despised me over the years. Or family.  Or old friends for that matter.  Only Darrell, who periodically has put a halt to things when they got out of controll ( usually after setting fires himself when drunk)

Darrell had my support as an artist when he moved here.  i spent a lot of time and resources promoting him as an artist . . that is not the hallmark of a supremicist.

But Im barking about fools . Barking about the obvious if people only used their brains a little.  Darrell agrees with me.  But we both know it served a political purpose to have people thinking the way they do . Also, there has been some serious research going on this year into the deep state . . .like Robert Steele and others, many of whom have been censored recently.

I’ve been following it, but rarely commenting on it.  But anyone keeping tabs on my intellectual menu knows what ive been discovering.   When things start getting too close to the truth there is always some kind of propaganda effort . . Im far from stupid, and even Dana admitted that i was way way ahead of most people in my understanding and dissidence. Although now, she is singing a very different tune.

 

March 20

Got a follow up call from Stearns County re parents.  I told them i would like to see manditory home care provided untill a nursing home is arranged. Dad,  Lynn and Brian signed the papers yesterday and the memory care unit said they will try to put a rush job on it but first a nurse has to come abnd access the situation and so on and that will take some time . . some one needs to be there now, which is why i made the call.  Kate is supporting me 100 percent . . but Lynn and Brian will be outraged and unforgiving at any suggestion that they have not fully stepped up to the plate the past few years . . and they will let me know it big time.  Even Darrell could see it  when he visited, that they both really needed help . . that they were eatting shitty food.  And if Darrell knows it, and his aunt in St. Cloud could see it too,  it means his entire tribe knows it.  they dont do things that way in his tribe . . . it unimaginable NOT to look aftetr elders, to help out family.   It sours the outlook  on white people in my region further, no matter how well they may think of themselves.   Where were the meals that should have been brought over on a regular basis? I tried to pay for meals on wheels for a while . .  . both my sisters have a lot more money than me, why didnt they chip in?

March 22

Almost done with community service. Yeah!!

I guess I am in hot water again and being cast as a mean person because i got pissed off at Darrell and a lady friend of his that he brought over Sunday before last. Sunday is the one day that i have requested quiet time. I work 1 to 10 on Fridays. 1 t0 10 again on Saturdays and then straight to my overnight shift from 11 30 to 730 a.m.  Im exhausted by Sunday morning and if i don’t get my sleep I will be messed up for my Sunday night overnight . . at my age, I could have a heart attack, and certianly I have had asthma episodes springing from stress, exhaustion. Im being very generous by letting Darrell stay at my place, letting him use my car to visit his casino and lady friend regularly . . . and it uses quite a bit of gas. I don’t get much house work help in return . The place is getting cluttered and always smells of cigarettes in the bedroom or weed. I dont smoke weed. All of Darrell’s money goes to weed.  Of course i recognize that my boundaries are being destroyed, with the support of many people, I am being ridiculed for being so stupid as to allow this to happen and increasingly hated (again) if I push back or react. His bringing his lady friend over and making a racket was a line too far for me that Sunday and I came out and said so.  Of course,  I am being cast as the mean bad guy now.  I gues Darrell’s lady friend has decided never to talk to me again . . she felt I was being unkind.  But there i was in the back room . . sleep interrupted after two hours while they laugh and talk loudly like they are taking over my house . . and Im exhausted from being the one that has to provide.

I knew this cycle would start up again . . 0n the streets, out on the rez and elsewhere . . it’s been going on for 15 years.   If I push back or ask Darrell to leave then there is hatred and rage,  there is any way.  Over and over again i was held responsible for Darrell’s being on the streets years ago, over and over Darrell would this run this crap about how i was ‘running around’ while he was suffering out in the cold . . yet, i was always bringing sandwhiches, sleeping bags, fishing him over to my place on the sly to dry out even though i was being threatened by housing all the time.  Over and over again a narrative was created by Darrell when he went home to S.D or was hanging out with the drunks about his victimization . . and over and over there were plans laid for retaliation.

I have been very generous the time around. I take it easy on him . . except when he runs up porn bills . . or in this case, brings someone over when I desperately need a few hours of sleep.

Of course, his lady friend is angry with me.  She feels unjustly treated.  But she was,flaunting her relationship with Spottedhorse  . . reminding me that Darrell ‘treated me like shit’ in contrast to how nice he always was to her. Even the car dealer could see it and found it paculiar that i was allowing it.   Now, the story goes, I can see why Spotted horse is that way.  I didn’t call her any names.  I didn’t even direct my anger at her . . only at Darrell because he knew better.

If the situation had been reversed a lot of women would have done violence, engaged in a lot of name calling.  I just told them to leave because it was my Sunday sleep time. i didn’t threaten her . . or Darrell.  Just told them to clear out.  I was in the right too.

Yup.  Im the bitch.  I knew it would go this way . . it’s been the deadly pattern for years and years up here.  I went to the store frequented by the homeless crowd, I was the ‘mean one’.

so mean.

 

Pay day . . . went through a half tank of gas already.

Trump has happily appointed John Bolton????  THAT guy??  Looks pretty clear to me that all the old Neo Cons are moving back into place . . Trump never was what his supporters thought he was.

He’s not in controll. he’s been marganalized.   The Zio Cons are . . and that means we are headed for a war with Iran.  We only would have gotten there sooner under Hillary.   Scary.  The cradle of civilization ended up looking like the end of civilization by the time the zio cons finished with Iraq. What will be of Persia?  Ancient Persia wasn’t such a bad place to live.  Better than Assyria and things that followed.

Can’t help but speculate sometimes if all this modern stuff isn’t really old, old stuff.  Revenge for the Babalonian captivity and all that.

Wed

I seem to be making some GOOD choices this week. I printed up cards and prints of Darrell’s last cartoon and it’s a hit. Feels good to see him Re energized. Out there selling and connecting and taking orders. I have not seen him so happy in a long while.  I missed this.  We still got the old team work. Dr

Friday

It seems my instincts were right, regarding my mother.  Stearns county did contact my parents and my sister and brother in law. Don’t know if they contacted Kate.  But they decided not to do anything.  That’s St. Cloud for you.  a good old boy town.  Status Qou [protects Status Quo.  Don’t reveal secrets of family ‘troubles’ or rock the boat.     Quite frankly i don’t think it says much for social services there.   Lynn wrote me a furious letter insisting they were on the ball with care and how dare I sabotage and interfere and imply that the level of care wasn’t what it should be.

Then my mother had a huge accident in her bathroom, feces everywhere.  My Dad, being 90 and legally blind stated he was too tired to clean it up and let it go untill morning.  They got up and had breakfast that morning, the feces still all over the bathroom my mother uses, then she had another accident and left a trail from the kitchen to the bathroom where she slipped on the previous nights accumulation of poop and fell.  Emergency had to be called . . and apparently, there was poop everywhere. All over her.    They said they would transfer her from the emergency room to nursing care. She won’t be going home.  At least there is no more denying the immediacy of the situation.  Dad said he was ‘waiting’ for a disaster to happen and that he didn’t much care where she went.  I guess Mom was really mean and angry at everyone in the emergency room. Can you blame her??

A lot of underlying cruelty in our family.  The whole poop thing is such an apt metiphor.

This is an appalling situation. Actually, it always was.    Who was abusing whom??  Is everyone somewhat at fault.  Had social services actually taken the immediate action they needed to . . instead of accepting that everything was ‘fine’, Mom need not have fallen on shit that should not have been left there throughout breakfast   (how can anyone eat breakfast with a bathroom full of crap)  Surely my Dad could have predicted that she would head to the uncleaned bathroom???   .  My instincts were right after all. Im glad I at least tried to intervene and protect her.  Get her some immediate care.  I too,   have been lapsed in the past,   did my share of self neglect and acting out and anger in the past.  I too could have called social services when i first suspected neglect, back when she had so many falls, injuries, unaddressed dietary concerns. Been there during major surgeries.  Also, it IS neglectfull of my father to have let that happen . . .it been neglectfull for a long time no matter how much they insist that they were doing so much.  Everything but get home care a couple of years ago.  Everything but accept my offers of free assistance . . .leaving the west coast 3 times last year to move there and be on hand to help. Mom need not have deteriorated so badly . . all alone with her colostomy bag after years of sacrificing her life to us, could not even get a dog or a hair appointment.

I can understand why my Dad is fed up and doesn’t care anymore.  Years of cleaning up after Mom when as a retired military man he could have traveled anywhere in the world for free before he lost his strenghth and sight.  But then, he had a choice.

I find myself most angry at the corrupt and money hungry  medical establishment there.  Screwed with us right from the start.  i was a breach footling.  They lost a heartbeat on me . . and Mom for 5 minutes. Knowing this before she delivered ,did they do a ceasarian??  No.  They were ‘experimenting’ to see if they could do it vaginally.  it sounds like tourture. Like mengela stuff.  so her insides were a mess . And she resented me all my life for the appalling pain she had had to endure birthing me.   After the death of my infant brother ( blue baby) she was advised to have a hysterectomy.  Was it nessesary??  No.  But there’s money to be made from it and lots of women were being advised to have hysterectomies.  it caused her a long bout of depression, sense of worthlessness, increased obesity .Then her insides were a mess and she developed all kinds of problems that eventually required extreme surgery to remove her intestines and put in a clostomy.  So much pain involved there. Where was the nutritional counseling?? They ate boxed foods  for a long long time.  again, the establishment making a buck while they nutritionally starved. This nutritional starvation caused her falls and multiple accidents before it was straightened out. broken collar bones. She made accusations against my father and I had my suspicions of abuse but no way to prove it. I was troubled, and tried to make frequent trips home to fill up the freezer with food and home made soups.   In the end, when she became helpless, they were locked into a sinking ship together.  Unwilling to change habits and patterns, and then they even started shooing Kate and i away when we tried to step up the intervention process.  Calling me home to MN and then kicking me out  was an old pattern and last year it took on a hidden cruelty that really messed up my mind.  And then my Dad would laugh and laugh.  then i heard that the dentists wanted to do extensive and expensive work on her teeth . . . why?? She was dying for christ’s sake.  Again . . . that buck to be made off of older people, and who cares if it takes all there savings . . . if insisting on the most expensive nursing home  which takes everything from Dad after trying so hard to keep indeopendent, who cares if it takes every last drop of sanity of life blood.

4-7

My client in Lynden is acting up tonight and i cannot get her to do anything.  So discouraging.  Down. Maybe Im just no longer up to this.

Talked to Mom a few times since she went into nursing care. She was very distraught and it was heartbreaking.  But she sounds a lot more cognizant.

I don’t know what to do any more.  Everything i try to do seems to fail. Nothing works out or goes right.  I think Ive lost it. Given up fighting for self.  Given up hope.  Even Kate is not responding to my emails.

I spent a chunk of dough doing up some prints and cards of Darrell’s last cartoon.  It’s good to see him on a creative surge finally.  He bought some wood burning tools and i bought some wood.  He, at least, is thriving.

He talks about us going to St. Cloud.  It sounds like a nightmare of unhappiness and alienation for me.

I criticised everyone sio much . .and now Im the one who feels helpless and unable to see a clear path forward in any direction.  I want to be near my Mom . . but i cant come to St. Cloud without Darrell following.  I want so bad to live alone.

If I don’t go to St.Cloud I will remember all her distraught pleadings for me to help her . . and i will not see her again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





February 2018

3 02 2018

February 2 2018

I had a great day today with Challen and Abba. It was fun and Abba and i chatted it up for hours.  I haven’t had a really fun day for a while.  I really like Abba and hope we become friends.  We drove away the hours sharing pictures of our art lives.

I really snapped on Darrell yesterday.  i became dragon lady.  Tiger lady.  I am an easy going personality but when something gets my Irish temper up . . . I do not care about consequences, I snap.  I had just gone to social security and been told my attempts at reconsideration (even a doctors letter) had failed for march because i was 100 dollars over the max i could make.  it had been a tough week.  I got two letters stating that I waa due for suspension of my drivers license because i had failed on recent payments so I had had to go and negotiated that and kick out a shitload of money i didnt have because i w3as trying to keep my wages  below the ceiling for reinstating social security.  The words ‘suspension’ triggered me into a swearing episode and screaming episode at the air you would not have wanted to hear.  Then at Brookdale, they changed my schedual and tried to rope me into a janitorial midnight slot instead of the floor . . and that is a in my mind a huge insult. and stupdity on their part because they are kicking out a lot of money to train me in the med thing.  What the motive behind this was i don’t know . . .it was a diminishment, that much is for sure ., and i refused and carried the rage silently . . until i tried to pay my cable bill and found 100 dollars of porn on it. they said the last  movie rented was on the 27th.   I snapped.  I told darrell to get the fuck out. After hecleared out . . .I called the cable company again and found they had given me misinformation.  so i spent the day looking for him, scouring the streets.  Eventually i found him . . . with the boys. took him home.  But i am the orge again for turning dragon lady.

Today . . . I really had a good day.  I aughed a lot and talked a lot and it was good after so much negativity.

Im thinking that perhaps that journal entry about the vibrator comcercail angered a lot a lot of women.  In truth,  i wondered at the time if it were some kind of joke.  And perhaps it was.  Or perhaps it was a response to all the recent allegations . Always beware of commercial that only play once.

Well there has been another train accident in Virginia.  Looks to me like a faile coup.  or a serious assasination attempt.

Feb 4

Darrell and I had a nice time at the casino this after noon.  We were going through a lot of friction over issues. he’s drinking now  . . and perhaps I am somewhat to blame for that . . .I shouldn’t have been snapping at him like that . . .I feel really guilty and wonder what the hell is wrong with me . I guess my only excuse is that I was struggling with figuring out to pay for everything and I felt taken advangae of.  id been stuffing it for 2 months as I struggled through set back after setback.   I felt crowded out of my own bedroom , and the porn issue just pushes the wrong buttons in a ferocious way. . really makes me feel disrespected after all I was doing for Darrell.  But I could have held a rational discussion instead of attacking and confusing and hurting him.  Maybe, no matter how hard I try to be the best person I can be, there’s just this other personality that’s an asshole.

At any rate. I took the night off of work last night to be on hand for Darrell.  he came in late, bombed, with beer in his back pack.  My way of dealing with it this morning was to try to initiate another activity he really liked . . . so I took him to the Casino.  he was winning too.  After hours of up and downs he walked away with 60 bucks.  Then he gave me 100  for bills and a large polished granite heart that must have cost him 35 dollars or more.  it made me ashamed for my focus on money and bills and all that.

I really don’t want to see him gravitating to the streets. it seems to be what hes doing now, and has no intention of stopping drinking ‘after what I did’.  That creates a problem if I don’t want my place to be his drinking crash pad.  An incident will be sure to happen . . and I just can’t go through all this stuff again.  So I may have no choice but to let him go . . knowing that he will rapidly become ill out there and catch pneumonia . . . the weather is warming up a bit so perhaps he could just take a sleeping bag if he plans to go on a run . . and come back when he is ready to straighten up.

 

Feb 10

I did not accept the janitorial shift and was offered two evening float shifts instead.  which is good.  Sometimes you just have to stick up for yourself. Now, if i could just apply that successfully to my personal life.  Working on doing my modules . . seems like i just can’t catch up.  Today is pay day but it won’t be enough.  In deep shit.  Really feel like they are closing in for the kill this time and I am facing ruin.  I told Dad about some of my problems right now but no response . . he sent some kind of humerous thing about growing old . . . .I guess he figures its the result of a series of poor choices and so i’ deserve’ it .    Except that running to MN to help him with HIS problems was one of those poor choices that got me in this hole.  Guess he really doesn’t care much what people do to his daughter or what happens to her.,at least that’s the perception.  That he let anybody do anything to his daughter which was an advertisement to preditors and enimies that I was a sitting duck.  Is it murder by proxy i wonder.

Robert Steele is saying in his recent interview that 7 sources have confirmed to him that the missle attack in Hawwaii was no false alarm ( there is no button, impossible to make a mistake) but an intercepted missle and not from North Korea.  probably the same people that did 9-11.  there’s going to be hell to pay if what i think has been happening is really happening and people become aware of it. Im starting to see it now.

I think the mainstream will be giving more air time to interviews with ‘right wing’ extremists so to speak who are really beyond the pale . . mixing in facual stuff with things like holocaust denial and crap so that the whole bundle of ideas is immediatly rejected as ‘right wing’ when in fact, it’s neither right or left . . .

 

Saturday Feb 10

A few minutes. Darrell has straightened up for 4 or 5 days now. I got him a walker and a a good rain jacket so he doesn’t get soaked.  Things going better. He keeps winning at the casino . . .so much for delayed gratification, the work ethic and its just rewards. The Lakota really know how to dance around that and turn it on its head . . .makes the plodding rest of us look retarded. I guess you got to pick one path or approach or the other and stick to it . . people like me, a little bit of both, noncommitted to either the slick side or the plodding straight and narrow just get creamed by both sides.

 

Wednesday

Darrell has been down with twist in his back and neck and a lot of pain.  Better today so i sent him off with the car . . which always cheers him up.  It’s been a bad couple of days all around.

I think Im getting the idea what the source is.

Today is Valentine’s day.  I spent the morning catching up on the Versace series which sent me down memory lane to Minneapolis around 1997 around the time when cunnan was there.  I was at Mission lodge.  There was a fellow there called C.B . . i wont mention his name because i dont know what his sexual identity or life position is right now. At the time he was a gay, artistic black man who painted shirts of his own design . . often with themes about racism but not exculsively, it depended on what inspried him.  He worshipped Versace . . who literally, told a story in his clothing linelike CW was trying to do.    I remember talking at lenghth with CB about the assasination of Versace .      Several months later when id begun to see Darrell i ran into C>W at the clinic a block away from my house.  He had a half bottle of vodka with him so i invited him over and we polished it off.  he filled me in on all the details of his torrid love affair with DelMar, a Lakota man.  How they had fought and how Delmar had brought him flowers.  We we starting to zone out a little( in opposite chairs) by the time darrell came home.  C>W said he was too tipsy to walk home and could he crash on the flooor  for a while. Darrell and I  agreed and went to bed. later , C.W  went home.

later on Darrell would persistantly weave this into a story of betrayal and heartbreak that justified his campaign od rage and revenge.  He would tell everyone in Bellingham how he came home to find us having sex . . a ‘cheating’ story . . even though he know it wasn’t true.  Ive spent 15 years taking on all kinds of social scorn and ridicule and crap over this . it became established as ‘truth’ .  In fact, ive just been going through a resurgance of this ridicule.   Sometimes It got really scary, really ugly.  That is why i protected myself from involvement with people who might fuel Darrells re occuring obsessions.  he became obsessed with Dana about a year ago and I cautioned her from coming over  . . simply to protect myself, seeing how far rumor goes in this town and how Darrell has started crap in the past . . 15 years of it I’ve experienced.  Dana vehemently ended our friendship  and labeled me a racist along with ‘homey’ as she calls Darrell.  In a reconcilliatory mood this morning , I sent out Valentines day bouquets , including Dana, on facebook .  Immediately I got an unforgiving and hostile message back  from her .  a fuck off message. A shit on your roses message, reminding me that Darrell and i were’known’ racists.   Hmmmm . . whatever, but who is the one with all the unrelenting hate????

I was protecting myself when i asked her not to come over while Darrell was acting funny.  That’s all that was behind it.  i don’t care who she befriends or hangs with.  Im not dealing with a reasonable environment.  so I have to deal with unreason the best i can.

At any rate, watching the Versace story, with its chapter in the gay lifestyle of Minneapolis around 1997 which i was quite familier with, and remember ing how just being firendly with Charlie got me in a world of endless trouble that mushroomed . . . brought back the reality.  Not leftist politics or ideation. The Reality.  You see, i do know a thing or two and Im far from ignorant . . or intollerant.   But . . what ever.

February 22

Tired.  Did about 7 hours of community service yesterday  on my fines.  Swept and mopped two gyms, one of which was filthy. 5 Racket ball courts. 5 bathrooms and a lot of trash.

Still, I feel remarkably energized this morning.  it’s the overnights that sap my energy for days.

Darrell has remained  sober and so have I.  I am going to get a thumb drive tommarrow and download some of his art from Behance portfolios. I believe i can do that and the quality will be good enough to make prints.  I hope so.  We lost the thumb drives that contained all his previous art works. it may bring him out of his lethargy.   He has suffered a lot of losses.  I often think of his place he had and fun times there,  how we drove around in his truck.  Darrell thinks i blame Paul secretly for givng Darrell so much credit and making money off of his obessive, compulsive, addictive personality weaknesses . . bringing him down. Because Darrell is always in debt to Paul.  Darrell has glacoma and can get medical marijuana but he says the quality is no good.  He can also get pain pilss instead of wailing and complaining all the time.    perhaps, Darrell is responsible for his own choices and still is.  But i feel like this is the last line of defense, here at the nest, holed up at my place . . and I am fighting to hold the line .  It is heavy.  And still this pattern continues . . . still, the pattern of his kids hitting him up for what meager money he has continues. i can’t say anything . . it’s his family . . . but it DOES end up falling on me, and no one cares.  Untill I fail . . then the hate starts.

Even Paul told me when i told him how I felt ,. . that it ‘was not his problem.’  He just bought a 7000 dollar bus in Eastern Washington that he can’t get running now .  Poor Darrell’s money went into that bus, and so did my labor and  offering my home to Darrell.

Pot may be legal here in WA but selling  it privately  is still illegal and i would bet that with all the revenue pot is bringing into the coffers , that authorities are less leniant on illegal sales that bite into that revenue. It could catch up with Paul some day . . though i think he feels omnipotent now.

It seems i am supporting all this, supporting Darrell’s ‘relationship’ with Paul and Becky which contributed to making him homeless, me .  And  I dont even smoke the shit.

I had my suitcase packed last week after a confrontation with Darrell and Paul   and was ready to take off on a new life . . but he had the car. I just got that car road ready ,

except for one tire.  But I went for a swim waiting for the car to return and when I got back home Darrell was acting like nothing in the world was amiss so I let it go.  Be better to wait untill spring if i can.

Well . . . at least i got that community service going to keep my license and tommarrow is pay day, already spent . . alas, they are really soaking me for that mere scratch on the Lee’s car.  perhaps i can call up the Lees and ask if we can settle privately  and be done with it.  Why do they need three thousand dollars from me?  it’s just a scrape . . .and i damn near got killed.  My car really sustained some damage.   People.

 

 

 

Tried to change energy patterns today .. .been so focused on that which is painfully and negative in my blogs I only make myself ill.

Took Darrell out for breakfast and we bought some music. I put a new tire on the car and she rides smooth . . .he went out for the day. Yesterday was really low .

 

I was sick and psychologically ,Physically out of gas . Despite dropping a little cash, I could not budge him out of the bedroom.  I was so Damn depressed I wanted to cry but no place private to do that. Still dragging with asthma but its a better day remembering fun things to do.

Monday

Asthma attacks continued throughout the weekend.  I got coverage  for a Lynden shift easily on Fri but  was able to make the Lynden/ Brookdale 14 hour Saturday marathon plus driving time.

Darrell had some breakfast made and let me sleep for a good 6 hours Sunday and i awoke feeling O.K. but around dinnertime i again had an episode.  A bad one.  Id just had a steak dinner so i should have been feeling a good protein boost but instead i felt ill. This time i decided i couldn’t just ‘be brave’ and deal with it . . . an overnight shift woukld really make me sick. So i tried to get coverage . . . and i was left feeling like a weakling, some one making problems . . like i was bullshitting or being a big baby.  And of course, the usual anger.  Like going to the ER was my idea of playing hooky.

these chornic asthma problems which rise up unexpectedly and can go either way . . get worse or dissapear within an hour or two  have caused problems in all my assistedliving type jobs . . they don’t believe me.  or they think Im covering up for a drinking episode.  That’s why i went on social security.

One co worker really gave me hell . . . reminding me that she had never ever missed her shift or called in, even when she was very sick.  Well I guess we are different kinds of people.  I guess in her mind that fortitude is a strenghth, a sign of responsibility.  Going to work for 6 days with a fever of 103 is virtue signaling.  Because she is indespensible.

No one in indespensable. They may make you feel like you are , or a person may feel that about themselves  but the truth is most of the time there is always a way to cover.  For example i would have covered 2 or 3 shifts if I had been asked when my co worker was ill.  Of course, it creates resentment when someone has to pick up extra work . . .and that’s the problem with asthma, you cant always tell when it will strike, how serious it will get, it often appears to be faked, and sometimes it goes away rapidly.

this much i know.  if i don’t listen to what my body is telling me . . take time out, something bad will happen. I will get pnuemonia, or bad bronchitis that becomes very, visably debilitating.  I wish i didnt break down so much . . wasn’t so fragile despite all my swimming and ‘preperation’ that I put into getting physically and mentally ready to tackle my work . . but i am. Also i have to remember that I am in recovery . . and there is commenly a problem with stress related emotional overload that mimics drinking . . .and it can go on a long long time. You have to pat yourself on the back and say good for you for getting through it without drinking . . no one else will understand, or care or pat you on the back.

My thinking is this. Going to work sick is no virtue.  and going to work very ill is downright stupid if not negligent when one is dealing with elderly people.  Not only can decreased stamina and strenghth be detremental to them in transfers or breaking a fall or showers . . .they are also a high risk, fragile population for flus, colds, and so on which can be fatal in older people.  Do elderly people WANT a wheezing asthmatic, struggling to help them, breathing and coughing germs all over?? When they are worried about falls, and even imminent death.   I don’t think they do.  i think It’s responsible to stay home when ill.  That’s my thinking.

At any rate i went to the ER . My nurse was very thoughtfull and kind  but I was surprised to find that I wasn’t immediatly given oxygen but steroid treatment . I recieved mixed messages about inflamation.  the doctor initially said he could hear the inflamation in my lun gs , then said I had none.  Like I was being a baby.  After a little questioning it was acertained that Darrell’s smoking habits were the root cause of these problems.  he smokes all the time in the bedroom .  The nurse reminded me it wasn’t a comfort issue but a life threatening issue . . she had seen asthma attacks so bad people were in ICU.

So how do I address it?? I already know he won’t desist from smoking.  he was pissed by my running to the ER and was shoving and pushing me when i came home . . demanding HIS  coughing be addressed. So I went and bought a bottle of cough medicine at Haggens.

I will address the smoking issue in a day or so.  Right now the plan is to demand that windows be open a crack and that the bedroom be rearranged by tommarrow so head of the bed is away from the dusty heaters.

I may or may not have a job. It’s considered absenteeism.  Even though i have a doctor’s slip.

I am puzzled by their not immediatly giving me oxigen when i came in, a standard procedure.  Is oxigen so expensive or rare??  Steroid can be killers . .but i have to admit, i do feel a lot better today, a whole lot better after the treatment.

On the positive side . . . .a few things that helped restore positive feelings about people, when i feel like Im getting no support.  I was at haggens buying depends . . and i forgot my wallet.  A Native gentleman offered to cover for me and bought the diapers.  Saved my ass . . literally.  Sometimes these small  gestures go a long long ways. And There’s a few women in my life whose attitude and spirit really make my day and i must not forget to tell them so . . that i llok forward to their energy.  it’s so easy to get focused on the negative hurts, put downs and so on.  and focusing on them  . . like scatching poisen ivy rash, only spreads it.

I think the Dana episode has been bothering me a lot.  Although, i laugh and try to brush it off as ridiculous.  it’s funny how that still has the power to hurt me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I

 

 

 

 





January 2018

9 01 2018

Finally found the city I want to move to. Lots of resources and really beautiful. Far from here. But THAT plan I will keep to myself. Dad said he set aside 500 bucks if/when I come to St. Cloud to stay. they really DO need my help . . but Ive been played with so much and it has hurt my heart, disrupted my work record . . . a LOT of stress . . so Im in no hurry now to help Dad in his distress. But its good to know that its an option. If I drove, I could sleep in the car in my sleeping bag if worse came to worse, and getting a rental immediately wouldn’t be a problem. But is is winter in MN. And I hate winter in MN.

1/9/18

Quiche in oven. Coffee brewing. Have lots of studies to attend to in the next few days. Darrb pulled out his sketchbook and worked on a cartoon. His energy was gentle.The demon has left . . .and I do believe in evil forces,whatever they are called that can get intoto someone, some place,even some group consciousness. Especially if the are weakened in some way.  Feeling genuinely cared for and safe goes a long way t.

We talked about New Years themes . . . I suggested that he express his own vision of hope.

1-12-18
Things good at home. Made a healthy breakfast of beet, apple and orange juice, oatmeal with blueberries and eggs with greens. Darrell in good humor, drawing cartoons. We get along so much better as friends than we did as endlessly hurt, angry and jealous partners. We ARE partners still . . only in a different way, more like helpers than love/hate enimies. he helps me out a lot with dishes and cleaning the kitchen which is enormously appreciated. Working with my doctor to get s.s.a restored. Landlord brought my rent way down which is a huge relief. Doc gave me some references of therapists who will take my insurance . .but, ive become notoriously suspicious of behaviorists and tend to view them as mostly the long arm of the state, and my opinion of pschiatrists even darker . . but some of them are O.K. it would be usefull perhaps to building the s.s.a appeal to focus of the ‘mentle disorder’ angle . . . except . . .that’s what they are looking for. To pathologize anyone who is outside the box. As if the box, the norm in America is any place anything thinking, aware person would want to be. Its not a game worth playing. I will survi9ve with or without social security. Oh yeah, Ive had pervasive moods of despair, hopelessness, sense of injustice . . . usually with good reason. The situation has changed a bit . . and with it, the anxiety and sadness.

1-12 (later) so very wrong. As usual. Another rash of porn on t.v. . . .same themes, worse. What do I do? Tried to ttell him how it makes me feel, explain why its unacceptable . . after all, it’s pedophila themes, asked him to leave . . . he did not care. Did not see it as significant . . .he packed and was ready to go. then I thought of all the hostility that would erupt in Bellingham once he left and went on the streets. I would be cast as the monster.

1-14
Shithole countries? yeah, and what made them that way. Greed, corruption, large corporations that don’t give a shit about the shit holes they create to gain porfits. Big agri business that destroys small farms that sustained villages for centuries. The people who worried about how to feed their hungry kids, or how to get help for their sick kids don’t give a rats ass about wether the shithole remarks were an outrage or not. The people debating this are well fed safe and warm. The people in shithole countries probably would be the first to call their own countries and leaders shitholes.
In the not so distant past Ireland was regarded as a shithole country. What happened to give us your tired, your poor, your unwashed masses. American the beacon of freedom for the trampled. Why shouldn’t they come here? We got our standard of living ripping them off and supporting terrible leaders, why shouldn’t they get a little back of what was looted from them.
And what about Chicago, Detroit, Minneapolis ghettos . . the reservations . . shithole coutries?? and who and what made them and what purpose do they serve?
perhaps Haiti woyuld be less of a shithole if the Clintons hadn’t taken so much of the so called relief money. . . . .yeah, I know, it’s all a Republican thing, the racists.

There’s some question as to wether Trump actually said this too . . . after all the No one who was quoted was actually an eye witness, they were second hand sources.

1-16

Im starting to get the picture now of how Darrell has painted me across the plains.  Why does he want his people to think of me as some kind of monster?  I never understand it . . is it the alchoholism that kicks in when he’s with drinkers , everything getting distorted and toxic?  its been going on for so long with catastrophic consequences.  Every time i start to get the picture of what he says about me . . how he spins his story as ‘the victim’ I am astonished, depressed, frightened . . because it escalates.  so tired of being cast as the enimy and then asked over and over and over to give my support, my money, my roof . . . and it always ends the same.  I spent the last couple of years getting yelled at constantly . . and Im the bully?  it so fucking biased.

the left always says . . . racist, ignorant, blaming, incapable of admitting how I AM TO BLAME FOR EVERYTHING and everything that developed is just a natural reaction to what i brought on myself.That I need to stop the lies . . all the lies.  What lies?   I get tired of protesting that ive had only one boyfriend since i met Darrell in 1997 and Im still being  a target of all kinds of crap held as truth, telling people over and over that this was deliberate charecter assisination . . that it was consioucly planned and executed and then bragged about. There’s people out there that know this.

Ive been going through a lot of attack lately since Darrell came back and ive been confused as to what going on, trying to piece together what is going on and why and the best way to cope with it.  Im being called dirt.  Dirt just was called on to shell out plenty to help Darrell out in South Dakota.  some people are calling me an idiot for responding to that and getting back in the same old dilemma.  others are just calling me dirt, or garbage . . .My guess is that Darrell was telling people that I treated him like dirt or that i called him dirt ( not true) and thats the core of the sense of outrage. he’s been doing that for years . . . any one that knows me knows i dont talk to people that way, that Im polite and easy going  but people who don’t know this willj be triggered in their sensitivities.    There’s a lot of things I don’t write about because i have to live here and interact with people . . . Well, this cycle will never be cleared up.  Im not some charecter on Muarice Povich or Jerry Springer. Porn movies and theese crapola shows are not showing it as it really is, keeping it real,  they are prejudicecal outlook.    I have a lot of dignity. If people cant see that or don’t want to see that then its time to ditch this whole story and go somewhere where i can live with some dignity.  I DO live with grace, balence  and integrety when Im allowed to.

At any rate, Mom is failing.  I talked to her by phone and she could not put words together at all.  Very bad off.  I have some decisions to make.

 

Friday Eve

Relaxing after a busy week. Made some good food today. Chicken soup, chops in mushroom gravy over rice.

Darrell took the car and did his thing today. I did the swim and came home and was happy to see him drawing. A nice drawing that people of all backgrounds will warm to. The line was so sure and fluid. Good to see. His last drawing, when he was watching porno was ugly. An view of white people as seedy , repulsive cowboys. 

His spirit is in a better place. Maybe he’s intimate with Deanna? I don’t know. But if so its doing him some good.

 

Saturday

I just spent about a year delving into all kinds of alternative stuff from so called new Age to peoples journalism. Ive lost my interest in much of it now. I still am fascenated by forbidden arceology themes and origins themes.  Right now i am reading about the extent of Minoan exploration and trade.

For a while i was following David icke, Richie Allen, Jordan maxwell, Scott Binsack, Robert Steele , David Seamans repiorts on the pedophila crackdowns and a lot of other names.

I learned quite a lot.  Research verified for me the huge gulf between mainstream media and what is really going on .   For example;  nowhere in the nightly news recently did i hear anything about  the protests in isreal against netenyahu yet we heard about protests in iran.  I tended to listen  to Ex’ Cia disclosures.   I followed ongoing investigations into false flags .  I researched 9-11.

I will probably always have a keen interest in discovering the true picture of the world I am in.  I wasnt always like this . . although i had a long standing interest in Archeology . For years i did not question the matrix much beyond some rather juvenielle and perhaps mean spirited ‘satirical’ cartoons as i saw them then . . mostly observations of humans which I thought humkerous and never took very seriously at the time . . only when manufactued outrage over this material was used many years later in an attempt to destroy my charecter in a big way, to pathologize it, did i beginn to see the huge gulf between manufactured ‘truth’ and what really was going on.  and i tried to explain it as i was beginning to understand it.  Unsuccessfully.  Now my own personal anrrative is cosigned to the ash heap . . . but i was, intuitively, getting the picture long long before it became accepted understanding.  Forexample i protested that I was being violated at a very high level when my privacy was spied on, via internet hacking and worse, viewing my private space via the t.v.  Pathological thinking?  Not anymore.  it’s commen knowlege now that survillence is used on people for various reasons at a massive level.  I protested years ago that I felt executives at MSNBC  told their journalists to openly express and encourage “loathing and contempt’ toward me years ago . . that they did, and a culture was created that permitted this as a normal thing.  As a given.  once it gets that big . . it takes on a life of it’s own.  I could tell a lot of stories about the social reality i experienced on a routine basis, how scary it sometimes got, how ugly, and for some strange reason . . . after all the stuff i have posted on FB providing a window into my aesthetic, my usual life and activies and personality . . this ‘loathing and contempt’ monstrosity that was created still lingers on . . becomes active over and over.  This is hate crime on a big scale nothing less.

and i was a private citizen . . not a celebrity or someone in the political arena . . who naturally incur critisism from their enimies when they become public figures. it was assumed then that it was a response to my ‘dislike’ of media . . a tit for tat.  however, the truth was this shit started in madison WI in 1999 when i was so very visable at the campus. That visability created a big problen for alot of people no matter how private, how quiet I was and they were looking for a reson to remove me or make me extremely undesirable.  It wasn’t untill about 2003 or 2004 that I made my private journals assesable. and then they were usually camoflauged . . available, public, but semi hidden, you  had to know who i was, know my middle initial to look them up .l . a far cry from ‘expressed contempt and loathing’ over the air to a large audience.   And years of ‘media assault’ had accrued before i took it oncritically.

The other day, on Calson Tucker he made mention of how executives at MSNBC had encouraged their journalists to express ‘contempt and loathing’ for Trump. The resaon being that Trump had expressed so much hostility towards the media , had baited them , and they had responded in kind.  so . . . . .this pattern is not something I imagianed.  it was not some ‘pathology’ of my perception.

At any rate, Ive lost some interest in endlessly researching things. . . something that began, as i mentioned, when I saw the huge gulf between my own experience and the narrative that was being promoted to the general public.  I have taken a little satisfaction this year in watching the deep state squirm. At seeing a lot of things exposed.  Alot of evil people come down.

But its time to attend to real living once again.  Remembering that these continuing attacks are from people who have some unresolved issues of their own, either narrowness , denial, deep seated hostilities, meaness, ignorance, or simply a delight in degrading others. Their problem.  If guys in the grocery store have fixed ideas about me being some kind a available slut . . well, Darrell is largely responsible for that, if his friends try to make play for me again, darrell is largely responsible for that . . . they’re in for a big surprise. and it doesn’t matter one way or the other what they think because Im not personally connected with them and never will be if they think that way.

I didn’t used to believe in “Karma” because so many people misused the term.  Usually meaning a desire for punishment.  To attribute bad things happening to someone not in terms of social dynamics but in an old fashioned construct of ‘wages of sin’ . . bad thing happen, it’s because you must have sinned.

But i believe I am seeing something like karma at play in regards to the deep state . . and you kinow theres panic and distress as careers are ended so there’s no need for me to endlessly go on about  the magnitude of what i percieved as massive wrong against me.  people will always say  things like; you brought that down on yourself . . WE exposed how you REALLY are.  It’s something in our culture, particularly in this reagion that is dark . . that seeks to reduce some figure to a sexual entity and then hurt them.  i dont know why but it is.

I have living to do. Things to enjoy.  Things to create.  places to see. I have my own spiritual journey to think about.  Let a sick societal fall around me.  I dont care.

 

1 22 2018

Tired. Did two overnights and had no snags with pharmacy order , entering emars, physicians reports, administering meds Ang getting to clients right on time. However, there was a big and I did not write an incident report .

.although I did call it down to the nurses station immediately and two coworkers showed up and took it from there, since I was getting off

Never assume that others will do something. But I’m not in trouble.

Bought a rAdiator today and will put in on Wednesday. Relieved. Want that car road safe and ready.

Just finished up yoga and a dinner of healthy greens salad, beets, chicken soup. Now its relaxation time over herb tea and welcome sleep.

Thursday

Getting ready to start my day. Relaxing with quiche and gabooboo bread to a little Mozart. The Turkish concerto . . . one of my favorites. Generally I find a lot of Mozart far too chipper for me. With exceptions. He always seems so . . .playfull. Happy. I’m more of a Bach person but I do like the Turkish.  I flipped on the news Ang anguished and vengeful younger women were confronting Dr. Besser for wounding their souls, their trust and self esteem. Destrying their lives. I wander into the back bedroom to get socks and Darrel is snoring away. The t.v is still on and an early morning ad for dildo- vibrator is on the screen. Really. Truelly. I never thought I would see that. Looks like a glass weed pipe to me. The advertisement said it was dishwasher safe. What a strange world we live in. I tell you I wouldn’t want to be a guy trying to find relationship or just nookie . . what a confusing land mine full of contradictions. Downright dangerous.

 

Bought Darrell some art supplies and myself a sewing machine. Both of us happy . . .chipper. Chipper as Mozart .

1/27/18

Feeling Down this morning.  I think picking up some shifts at my old job in Lynden was a mistake.  It no longer feels right.  I’ve outgrown it.  But i hate to just say sorry after they retrained me.  Also . . . events this years have so drastically7 changed my outlook that I am distressed to find that i don’t have the same feelings, the same level of altruism and concern i did . . .that altruism was so exploited , and then the social security was ended as a result of that effort on my part. My folks exploited it, people in my personal life did and do, then I got run around the country and kicked in the head when my community turned on me once again for how ‘stupid’ I was . . (Darrell’s mantra) . Again!!    More over my perceptions of what big pharm is doing and how medicine is actually killing people,  has colored my views of what I am doing to these unfortunet people. That its a racket in the name of altruistic caring.    After years of being called uncaring when i so very much was . . I wonder if I have finally become just that. If so, then sadly, it’s time to think about something else better suited . . I just don’t feel comfortable anymore being in a coterie of younge babysitters . . . i can’t even relate these days.  I still enjoy working with older people however . . but even then, I have my favorites,(many)  and people I have to grit my teeth to be polite and ‘caring ‘towards.

Interestingly , I do personal care for elders that were once in acedemia, artisans, physicians . . .and i enjoy talking with them a great deal.  I think back to my Madison days when professors would act out gurgling, spitting, garbage throwing when they came up to my counter . . .when i was ‘ the face of evil’.     if you live long enough the tables turn.  Even the mighty need their diapers changed eventually. Now I ( the evil nurse ha ha ha )   am their adjusting condom catheters and my clients are quite humbled.  We had a retired psychiatrist from Unity care come in recently and boy does he look the part of the psychoanalysist . . long beard.  Was it so long ago that fellows like he were playing god, publicly pyschoanalysing my charecter ( which is a private matter)  . . never having met me in any professional capacity.  of course i was narcicistic . . everyone got  called narcisistic.  I recieved a call on my buzzer last week and found our new admit  wandering, without pants, amid the fragments of a lamp he’d tipped over.  Me, the evil narcicssistic nurse, tioleted him , put some slippers on him, put some pants on him, brought him to bed and cleaned up the lamp.  Such is the cycle of life.  Moral of the story . .

Be carefull how you treat people on the way up . . you just might meet them on your way down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





December 2017

1 12 2017

Garrison Kielor?  You got to be kidding.  The latest to go down in the groping scandals. Mr. loopy, droopy and thats the news from Lake Woebegone? They are going after the doddering old story tellers now . . oh, i guess his stories are about glorified toxic whiteness.  Is Garrison the latest poster boy for toxic white male privelege  now?   What’s next MN, the Ren fest?

Massacre at Lake Woebegone!!   This is getting ridiculous.  It’s getting so ridiculous it’s funny.  Except . . . it’s not.  Not if your at the astonished recieving end  of all these take downs and witch hunts . . it used to be about words.  They’d hang some one for using the wrong phrase or words . . .one by one i watched public personalities get that glazed “this can’t be really happening’ deer in the headlights look . . .  now it’s groping.

I have to give Keilor credit though for the way he is handling it.  With good grace, gentile wit, like a master storyteller.

I wonder if all these nuerotic young women even know how much they are being used, all the while thinking they are empowered,  while the puppet masters laugh  at how easily they are made to do their bidding. The inside dirt i hear is that all these women coming forward are actually threatened with blackmail of some sort . . if you don’t step forward WE will expose this or that . . . so it looks more noble and face saving  to ‘come forward’.

Sounds like there is an awfull lot of blackmailing going on all over the board.

Saturday.

My last day free.  Darrell gets on the bus today. Already i feel the clouds of drama and bullcrap gathering around the bend. Some lady filled my ears up this morning with lip quivering  tales from the street, and all this drama in and out of her life in relation to that crowd. some one dropped some stuff at her house and didn’t pick it up, she was in trouble with housing because of guests and drama, so she tried to throw it out but somehow her ex boyfriend prevented that and turned it over to the police when he discovered meth and syringes.  so now he’s in trouble for being a snitch and so on. My heart just dropped as i listened to her  . . . because i knew that that crowd would be able to dominate my lfe again via Darrell , Just when i was enjoying my quiet evenings reading about ancient discoveries and browsing used bookstores to my hearts content.

Her endless retelling brought it all back to me, I don’t even know these people but the minute chief walks through the door there is a point of connection between me and the world out there via Darrell. And if I describe it or complain about the energy that affects me as i have in the past years .  then it’s reason for retaliation and revenge.    And of course the simple answer is . . . never open that door,once you get it closed.  So the fool here is back to problems with anxiety, stress, upset stomach and sleeplessness.

it irratated me to see her posting pictures that i took of Darrell and I onto her facebook pages . . as if she had been a part of those times. Or intimate with us then.  It’s like taking ownership.

Something similar happened when I went to the Co-op the other day.  In the card rack were some handcrafted cards that I immediately thought his, they were stolden from some of Darrell’s more popular drawings years ago . . not exact replicas but almost so, enough for me to recognize his art being used for profit without his permission . . .the artwork had been altered with cute little butterflies and stuff around the mouth of the roaring bear.  They sure used to love that roaring bear . . . even Steve Colbert got into the bear references and jokes . . .but leave it to that hip crowd to pretty it up with butterflies .  Make it really benign.  And so the joke carries on . . the images are easily recognized as alterations of Darrells art around. 2004.  Too bad he isn’t getting any income from that. He would probably win the court case if he chose to sue. . . .

I will give it two weeks. Truthfully, there is a part of me that is glad to see him again.  He has a lot of friends and Im hoping that he will find his footing pretty quickly and  if there is a problem gathering, any kind of anger issues, revenge issues, using issues, bully issues, if i feel I am in any kind of abuse or feeling fear that’s it.  I have enough stashed to hit the road and Im about an inch away from that. And it would not be such a distressing thing.  it would be good to shut the door on this whole complex chapter that unfolded out here.   But I wouldn’t be able to go back to any place familier.

(Later)

I went over to Dakota art and got a sketchbook and art supplies for Darrell. I felt so good to be there again . . .and I wanted to buy so many art supplies for myself as well. I felt happy again . . .as if I were tapping into the right energy that I had neglected for too long. I stopped worrying and felt I was nurturing the spirit. Doing something right. I spent the rest of the day getting things ready, cooking up, setting out favorite snacks and medications. I tried to make the house this week as warm and cheery as I could despite worries.

The I heard. He was drinking again. He had been ripped off of absolutely everything he had. How awful. How tragic. I am worried now for very different reasons. Does he have his winter coat? I feel he is lost. Really lost now. All the art supplies I gift wrapped, all the snacks sit beside his bed like a shrine that will never be a place of recuperation. Only an uninhabited shrine . . .

Dec 4

Very, very tired.  Focused on the car today. Took it in for estimates on a radiator,then talked with the guy at the flat black . Did a super duper job of vacuuming, cleaning out and car wash.  Wanted to do so much more today but I guess that is enough. No one has heard from Darrell . . either that or he has left instructions for people to tell me that.  I guess if he shows up he shows up.  if he doesn’t  . . . .I hope he’s O.K.  and I am the fool for letting myself think I was recapturing some kind of ‘nest’.

Dec 6
Tired. One of my clients that I have fond feelings towards seems to be failing. Had three days off and got quite a lot accomplished. Excersised. Got gift out to Mom and one bought for Kate. Treated myself to breakfast at the Silver Reef casino the other day and a nice drive along marine drive. The day was sunny and I could see the mountains clearly. My digital camera was out of batteries and go phone doesn’t take stellar photos. Still, it was a morning that made me feel good . . as if id broken out of some negative personal matrix and become part of something pwerfull and calm and greater once again. A happy morning. Sad too, as I remembered the many drives I would take with Darrell.
So much goin on in the world to write of . . . but I am so very tired tonight and there are some good t.v. programs beginning this week.

Dec 8
Very depressed. I came home and found two pieces of mail . . one of them increasing my rent, the other taking away my social security benefits. I am in pain all the time and shouldn’t even be working very mcu . . now what. I am being penalized for working too much . . and why was I working . . .to help Darrell out the past few years , to make numerous trips to Minnesota on behalf of my folks . I would add extra hours at the request of my employers to help them out and be a team player, a valued employee and I fuck up once and everyone converges on me and its a tsnami of condemnation of how I am not worthy, how I am inadequate in some way . . whatever . then I would feel used, betrayed by people Ive given my best to . . then my own folks play with my heart, calling me home and asking me to leave and all that makes me quit jobs, then try to recover by getting a different one and working more than I ought and then being penalized in a big way. All that together taking ahuge psychological toll in despair, feelings of futility. Darrell asking for money and expecting me to bail him out by bringing him here . . but I no longer have a safety net. Why why only a year and a half away from retirement do they hve to pull my social security, just when Ive got a stable and peacefull, balanced personal life for a change. I feel so defeated and deliberately destroyed by the people whose expectations I have been trying to meet . . . at the expense of my own health. The good thing is that I am not drinking . . not that anything wonderous has resulted from it, but it means it is one less peg for anyone to use against me. It means my life is more orderly. When I was drinking the social security was there . . . . when I quit and am efficient, then they take it away . . . I am penalized for sanity and being responsible.
I cannot trust Darrell not to jepordize my housing . . if I had social security it would not be an issue, because I could fall back on it, same thing with making trips to MN . . . now, I cannot count on that safety net between jobs. I threw away everything for others . . and now I wipe butts for a living, I am tired and cranky and trying to be optimistic and still they have taken everything away from me.

Trump has announced that Jerusalem will now be the apital of Isreal. There is an Intifada rising. I cannot help but wonder if this was intended. To wipe out the Palestinians once and for all in response. I wonder to if Trump is just trying to please the Isreali lobby. There is such a driven effort to remove him from office that the lobby is the only thing that can keep him in office. He sounded drugged . I even wonder about the Las Vegas massacre and how that could possibly tie in . . Everything in Las Vegas is Isreali and Trump has business connections with them going way back. is he being intimidated?? I don’t know. And what the f is going on with all this diversionary purge of gropers all of a sudden?? Why are the democrats throwing Frankin under the bus all of a sudden?? He is popular in MN from what I understand. I believe what I believe about what ‘went down’ in regards to me and what seemed to be leading role by Air America which later morphed into MSNBC. . and even Native friends acknowleged the way the democrats were doing me down . . .but nobody else gives a shit, certainly no one in the democratic party. So Im sure that’s not the hidden issue, unless it was even more corrupt than I know. Must be something else.

(later)

I called up Jan and asked about getting my old job back . . she said sure. It’s much, much easier on this old body . Nothing glamorus but easier on me.

I also called my dr and made an appointment and I am going to cry and cry about all the pain and how I need something in writing from him saying I ought not to work more than minimal hours because of health reasons.  He will send me to Physical therapy . . however, that is not until the 28th and social security needs proof of changes in my situation right now if they are going to reconsider my determination.  SO I line up a job back in Lynden and give notice at where I am.  Then I report to S.S.A and housing  that I had to quit my current job and ask them to hold off on their decision until after the dr.s appointment . . .then I smoothly pick up up some hours out in Lynden, but not so much that I get in trouble. And I look for something under the table.   it might work.  But I think their decision is pretty final . . they are even asking me to pay back everything I received since July.  Pay back time.

Did some yoga and that helped my hip and back pain a lot.  Got out cards and a present for Kate.  also bought myself some c.d.s. Darrell will take off on the 12th and be here the evening of the 13th. His drinking buddy last week wanted Darrell to camp out with him in some abandoned house, Darrell thought better of it and went to his aunts house.  His buddy was found frozen to death the next morning.  that could have been Darrell. and that’s often the way it all ends . . . and next time, it could well be him.  Not a fit ending for the Chief, whatever his transgressions.  he is too much of a legend.    I intervened.  I may regret it soon . . . but what’s done is done now. perhaps because I am perservering in remaining sober we wont clash so much  . . . I can be strong enough for him.  Well, what ever is is.   At least I won’t be so lonely over Christmas and have some one I can relate to other than the imagianary friend at the reading end of this journal.

December 10
3 more days before Chief returns. I ate all the little snickers and pretzels and the meatloaf too. he’s coming back to a fat woman who went grey overnight. Maybe Ill plan on throwing something in the crockpot the day he returns. I will be at work. How about spare ribs and sauerkraut. I bet he hasn’t been chowing that down on the rez. Or potatoe ham soup. Have to throw out the jello with banana bits that’s been silently awaiting his arrival too many weeks. . .Maybe make some cookies. Better yet . . . cinnamon rolls on the morning of the 13th. Not potatoe ham soup . . chicken soup. Cinnamon rolls and chicken soup. Gabooboo bread.
I feel better today. alive . . I felt absolutely horrible yesterday and thought I would faint yesterday my asthma was so bad. My stomach so upset. My clients really were concerned for me. I’ve been really really pale and pastey looking . . can’t put my finger on whats making me feel so ishy. It could be the diatemacious earth that got stirred up when I moved furniture. or perhaps an allergy to spirulina that I tried last week. Or . . as far out as it seems . . . watching my android late at night and resultant weird sleeping patterns. it’s been suggested by several people that these devices may be rigged to tamper with a persons brain waves and I don’t doubt that it’s possible, and within the rhelm of probability. Perhaps, like t.v. they create a kind of addiction that is unhealthy and makes us dysfunctional, maybe even decreasing brain function . . at any rate, I did not watch the android when I woke up last night and I feel normal today. Perky and rested. Not quite so much inflammation. Then too, all that phsiological reaction may be in response to stress . . the rent and social security thing . . which, for me, amounts to massive psychological trauma . . .a kind of P>T>S>D thing.Actually, there’s a whole lot of stuff that triggers P.T.S.D happening now.

12/12/
It’s Darrell’s birthday today. He must be in Montana, sun coming up about now. I wonder if he ever got me those damn earrings I went on such a flight of imagianation about. I chalk up two good things I accomplished on my day’s off. I tried out the Unitarian fellowship on Sunday. A number of Unitarians got a laugh out of my story about my exploratory foray to the fellowship before Halloween and how I was greeted by the grim reaper at the door and quite a panopoly of coustumed charecters. The bride of Frankenstien was playing a boogey piano as I recall. They urged me to try again and I was glad I did. The choir was absolutely awesome. They were performing a suite of nativity related pieces based I believe on medevial music. It was in middle English. The fellowship was packed and I ran into three people I knew, including Rick who was delighted to see me. I think I will put on ice the critical thinker and inner cynic for a while. I feel that simply the act of attending a celebration of positive force is good. Just as attending the womans a.a. group regularly may irritate the critical thinker in me, but again, it is the practice of going there that reinforces positive striving in my self. Just as making drives to my sacred spots . . and most of us know when we have found them . . even if they are in our own backyard, and making myself do things like go out for breakfast or coffee or buying little things for myself is good . . anything but sitting in front of the t.v. in a reciprocal relationship with information which can never be taken at face value. I don’t think that shutting oneself off from all information is good . . not everything on t.v. is garbage, it depends on what one selects . . and A certain amount of information gathering is nessesary to understanding our world . . . but addiction to information can be negative as any other addiction.
the other good thing I accomplished was moving all the furniture in the bedroom and vacuuming thouroughly. I swept under neather the heaters and there was soo much dust and crap . . no wonder my asthma got bad. Vacumed up all the dietamecious earth . . very bad for the human lungs and wiped all surfaces. Breathing problems greatly reduced now . . .
Made that chicken soup yesterday. Talked to folks in Lynden . . not so sure my panic mode strategizing about income was so spot on . . might be better to just stay where I am at Brookdale , reduce hours . . . file an appeal until I see the Dr. . . .and tighten my belt. I don’t really have major expenses coming up for a while . . once Christmas is over. I got all the winter clothes I need.
Today . . . swim, make up cinnamon rolls. All set now.
Still . . there is that level of anxiety and sadness and feeling that despite all this, I am being taken down systematically and Darrell will be the one to ‘finish the job’ . . .it depends. it’s in his best interest to protect my ‘nest’ and in my best interest to tread softly with him . . . negative people are all thrilled by the idea of another negative drama they always are. The thing is, not to think about them but to look towards spiritual forces and trust that .
Im trying to make the best of this . . .
Darrell’s cousin told me this story. Darrell was hanging with some ladyfriend who used up all his money( that he was going to travel on) and then threw him out. Darrell is always kind of weak when it comes to pussy. I saw that kind of stuff played out multiple times with street women here in Bellingham. it was cold out that night and his drinking friend, Tommy, wanted Darrell to camp with him in some abandoned house where he had plenty of blankets he said. Darrell changed his mind and went to his aunt’s house rather than keep drinking. . he was really fucked up when I talked with him. That night his friend was attacked by two kids in black wielding baseball bats and beaten . he either was beaten to death or he froze that night. It could have been Darrell. And it probably would be given a few more weeks of dropping temperatures, no car , and drinking . A part of me says . . .well, that’s the path you chose. End of Darrell, end of story, end of problem. But I couldn’t do that.
Now, is it the old parable of bringing in the frozen snake. Am I to die now of snake bite? end up homeless, beaten and frozen? Who would help me?
In Minneapolis . . . I hate to think of that frozen nightmare now, how on earth did I survive all that . . . not even kate would go out of her way, even if I was stone cold sober . . . I remember asking her if I could stay at her place a few nights . . this was after she got that job at the cookware store I believe ( the one she grabbed when she knew Id applied) . . . I was staying out in Plymouth shelter but wanted to come to town for a day . . .Kate initially agreed but then changed her mind, I need to take care of Myself me first therapy crap . . . we are talking about one night. Not a move in. there I was stuck in Minneapolis with a winter night coming on notknowing what to do because she needed to protect her own needs first . And Dan . . how many times did he throw me out in a snow bank. I remember being in so much danger that I went back to Carol and Jhonnys and crept into the furnace room for the night, only to be thrown out by Johnny because I was trespassing. . . these were people I used to rent from, live with. They were in the business of ‘caring’ for disabled adults . . . but I guess it was a business, and property takes precedence. Even Dan was obsses with [property . . . like anyone from the ghetto would want to break in and steal anything from his barren, crappy house, he didn’t even have a t.v. I knocked over a shampoo once and he sprayed a bottle of mace in my eyes . . because I was ‘destroying property’. Property, Property. Property. me myself I. So many ways of teaching a psychological model of selfishness that sounds good and healthy but is viciously cruel.

And IM THE BAD ONE??? College girls chanting Karen is the lowest of the low, Karen is a sub human, the vile woman, the despised woman, Karen is this and that and nothing but this and that . . . I dare them to try surviving what I did and see if they are so judegmental.if they come out so clean.

The point being that all these experiences and memories from Minneapolis have influenced they way I view the indigent. I know what he is feeling. Ive been there. And what can I do . . .I will not be a Dan, or a Johnny and Carol, or a Kate . . . yet I know the reality, that many people who eventually freeze to death in an abandoned houses will sting the ones who open their doors and pity the frozen snake. That’s what got them there. or being a fool over women like Darrell. or maybe in my case, men.

Dec 16

All that talk , moving furniture around in my mind, and all it did was bring me farther and farther from reality.  All that fussing over rescuing poor Darrell and making a nice Christmas, forgetting  all the Christmasses in the past where I tried to ‘make things nice’ only to get a package of meanness that ruined my Christmas .  Darrell has not been mean but no earrings.  And I found porn on the on demand recently viewed.  Really ugly porn that brought back all those bad memories . . that is sooo disrepectfull of some ones home . It really is a hostile message.  I feel repelled by him and his energy now, wondering why he would do that so early on,  and don’t want it in my house .  I guess, essentially this is what’s it’s always been about . . . him imposing on my space, wether I want it or not, stuff I don’t like and raising a shit storm of hostility if I try to set boundaries. he seems to sacrifice everything, everything anyone has done to get him independent and healthy in persuit of this,  it will probably happen again .

The one person who is really good to me and tries to give good counsel these days, and one of the few people whose psychological energy I trust . . is DorthySmith, former teacher and Unitarian.  I enjoy talking to her and her husband who has become very disabled and needs a lot of care.  Some of the girls find mr. smith a little weird or ‘creepy’ . . they don’t know what weird and creepy is . . . I find him to be a gentleman , at least towards me.  This is an era where anyone laying a hand on a bare back can be the target of a take down and ‘public shaming’ something the americans cannot get enough of,  and yet, profoundly disturbing behavior . . like that of Darrell and his brothers in regards to pornography and child molestation  and worse, is not only denied, no matter how visable, covered up from the political and media rhelm but cheered as some kind of high drama . . . as long as the target is some one WE don’t like. Even by women . . the ones who now profess feeling violated by all these groping episodes.   One of those weird things.  I don’t know if I am over reacting or not . . perhaps it is a minor thing, Darrell wants eye candy, he is coming off of drugs and alchohol and a toxic environment ( at least in regards to white women)  . . . .do I have faith that given enough rest, time away from rez toxicity, street toxicity he will drop that taste for darkness.  Do I do what I really want to do . . . just take off and leave everything behind, home, contacts,  leave a cold trail.  How I wish I could.  I feel so betrayed by everyone.

Sunday.

Was rehired out in Lynden. Great. I can make some money without killing myself. We had a nice day today. Darrell was looking much better and we went on a drive around dinner time and stopped at the drive in. My treat. We’re on friendlier terms . We laughed a lot and had fun.

Got gifts out to Dad.  I’ve had a touch of flue but feeling better now.

(later) that didn’t last long. Darrell barked at me about my choice of t.v. programming and ordered me to change the channel. I said I would watch whatever I wanted.( there’s two t.v.s) So he took off. No breakfast. He will probably be drinking and waging hostility towards me on the streets. Im back to being cast as the bitch no matter what I do. He said I knew this was going to happen. Why leave his family circle then where he had places to stay only to start up conflict again here over so little . . he was probably looking for a excuse to drink. I was real carefull not to get angry,or say anything as he packed and left other than . . I knew this was going to happen too. I tried but I guess we’re just not compatable.

Tues 19

Looks like antifa may be behind the train derailment here in Tacoma area.  Apparently they have training camps and even videos showing exactly how to do this. Darrell says it was probably Isis, that all these groups are connected. True that the Berkeley chapter did train under Isis in Syria . . .but Isis is supposed to be finished . . . if it ever really existed as we think we understand it.  I n

I guess antifa is most active here in the N.Wand in the Midwest where tracking issues and coal issues are paramount. I am reminded of Darrell ancestor chief Gall and his campaign against the railroads.

I do not ask him. About Indian business .  in fact I asked him that I preferred to be on a need to know basis. So I do not know what’s going on. If he is in hiding or up to something.  We get along better on a need to know basis.

I went and fished him out of the rain after he ran away. He was soaked and had a can of beer. We had that talk about boundaries and so on. All is o

K now. We are getting on fine.  His legs are. Swollen and hard. I had him soaking in Epsom salots and he is much better today.

Dec 25thy
Stuffed. Had a great Christmas day turkey feast and everything came out delicious. Last night we opened some gifts, just small gifts, an abalone shell and sage, a mug and so on. Today we did out ride and casino and now it is time to relax. We are getting on. The undercurrents and stresses fading . It is good to have Darrell here when he is happy and good company. I think we loved each other so . . although you wouldn’t know it given all the warring over the years. It shows in the pictures . . .as do the undercurrents when they are there. As for the undercurrents . . . christmass cookies seemed to do something magical. something about the smell of them . Darrell came out of his room and swore he saw a spider curl up under the onslaught of gingerbread odors.
I dreamt last night that I was working at a restaurant, a pizza place and I wasn’t taking the job very seriously. they showed me a list when I came in of my infractions and I was practicaly a criminal in their estimation I was so bad. Then Darrell and I were interviewing for something else . . and I insisted that we work together . . . We want to work as a team I told the employer, or we don’t work at all for you.

Notes.
Dream echoes shame over my carelessness with management at Circle of Life . . and I was careless,and took them for granted, I don’t know why because I liked those people and loved the job. And of course, I got my ass chewed. In fact this was a pattern in many employments through out my life. My insisting on Darrell and I working as a team [probably reflects my desire that we work together for our mutual best interest rather than against each other. In fact I did communicate something like that to his family. It IS pretty important that we work together at this point.

Thursday 30th

Listening to some thought provoking Gorden Maxwell and Richie Allen interviews this morning. I’ve discovered a wealth of material to dig into and am excited about that. Reading Menzies book about Minoins and finding it really interesting, like all his others. Lost Fingerprints of the Gods dang it and can’t find another copy at used bookstores.

Working diligently to resolve s.s.a and rent catastrophe. Filing an appeal today and will start paperwork with Dr. Next week. Very little to live on now.

Darrell lost another nephew to gun violence. That’s two in December. He is looking very sad . I may not have the funds but Im taking him to the Casino which always cheers him up,

12/31
I am being trained as a med tech but have a lot of doubts about wether this is a good fit. Tonight is my first night alone and ive only had 2 hours of sleep. I was upset when I came home to find another rash of ugly pornography in the recently viewed list. I went straight to bed and did not say anything because I needed to gtet as much rest as I could and confrontation is so very stressfull and demands decision making. Is it another virulent fuck you message just when things seemed optimistic and we seemed to be getting along, or is it just an old guy looking for eye candy. I guess the deciding thing is the type of pornography . . .visiting plumbers getting it on with housewives is one thing . . . movies advertising virulent white guys ‘destroying the buttholes’ of black ‘hussies’ who ‘really have it coming ‘ or movies about the same thing with younger girls is something else. what kind of co9nciousness does that appeal to? Who are the evil geniuses that know what sick markets to tap. with all the talk about busting sexual preditors anda ll the brave women coming forward no one has said anything about the really huge pornography industry and the people that run it. David Seaman may be going after child preditors . . and the Unitarian church here in town may be taking up collections for sex trade in Nepal, but no one wants to see the problem close to home, how pervasive it is. The media dog and pnoy show is ment to pacify a few ruffled feathers, make it seem as though they are on the side of growing outrage . perhaps it is because pornography appears to be consentual, and supposedly hurts no one. I think it does. the viewer is left with a very distorted idea about sexuality and may not be able to separate fantsy from reality. It is hurting me. emotionally, through symbolic messages whose hostility I cannot comprehend. Why? Why do that to some one. anyone. it hurts me to see peope busting into laughter , almost bubbling over with an evil glee they can barely contain. women too when I talked about it . . although not as many over this last episode. A few people were angry and horrified. Perhaps people are waking up a bit more.
it is human nature I think to basicly want to be deceived, to believe that we are good and loving people, our community is a good, nice , a loving place and those who speak of other forces are somehow ‘negative’ or ‘creating a problem’ or in my case, an embarrassment. when these gals take down celbreties they are called brave. if I talk about things I experience as disturbing I am a problem or an embarrassment.
it is easier to focus on Nepal to maintain ones vision of ones world as a circle of love than admit to disturbing energies close at hand. People want to be deceived about most things, and they will believe in any deception that makes them feel special, worthy, good, a winner, elevated. people don’t like truth. it makes them feel stupid to know they were taken in. They hate truth. Me included. I hate this pornography because it forces me to really look at what I am protecting and enabling perhaps, what I am willing to accept. it forces me to look at Darrell in a way I desperately don’t want to . .and that makes it hard for me to love. Loving some one feels good. We don’t like to have that taken away. because it forces me to make a moral decision. I f I find this objectionable must I cast him out? Is it a line too far. Does it become normal,am I injuring myself spiritually if I dismiss it. Do I protect the deception to be at peace with my community . . after all that is what they want. Do I diminish my own light to protect the outward harmony or the illusion of it. Questions I have to ask myself.
If I speak of what Darrell is watching others will judge ME harshly. If I do not kick him out other women will judge me. Try perhaps to get rid of me. Better to make it seem as if its all splendid?
then again, it is too painfull to realize that there is no sympathy out there . . no one to say, that is soo disrespectfull . . . or a warning of something dangerous. No . . .if I am upset then I am the ’embarressment’. and it is painfull to see all that laughter. The desire to see some one hurt.
I tell you this though . . . this situation may change if it is known that his taste in pornography includes the degradation of minority women at the hands of virile white men. They will tear him to pieces. If he had watched that stuff on a black woman’s t.v . . . they would kill him. and why is an Indian indulging in whitemens rape fantasies about minority women anyway??

New Year’s day.
Did my first overnight shift by myself and it went better than I feared it would. I had trouble scanning the pharmacy order. and was still a little confused about the process of entering MARS on this system. Im not quite as exhausted as I was in training . . . I have wo much training to do yet. I still think that I am not really suited to be a med tech . . it entails so much attention to detail and carries so much responsibility. If I am the brain dead, spacey,dingbat idiot why train me in this kind of work?? Maybe they are compassionet and actually listened when I griped about my aches and pains and social security worries . . . this IS a lot less strenuous and perhaps . . just perhaps . . . Im better, more abitiious and competent than I give myself credit for. perhaps I have it in me?? I just didn’t believe that when I was drinking too much . . because I couldn’t do important jobs that involved human lives.

<a href="http://“>

Darrell took of yesterday and again today in my car. Probably to visit Deanna. He had the dishes done when I returned. And left me some money for upcoming rent.

Dec 2
Wow. Talk about pushing it. Those guys are something else. Darrell invited Deanna over . . . which is O.K. with me. She’s sharp and I welcome a little company. But she pushes to get as much as she can too . . .she wanted my tee shirts. I gave her one and a sweat shirt. She also wanted the cot. Darrell gave it up to her. At least I know she has a cot over there for him to sleep on.
I guess there’s no heat over in her trailer right now. She ran out of wood and the store was out of those logs. She looked really worn and tired. She wants to come over and do laundry but in this building she is nota tenant so cant use the laundry room . . .the other tenents would be pissed off because there’s always people waiting for washers. I would have to spend hours waiting on that laundry if I did it myself. So I had to set a boundary. No. I can’t have the tenents here mad at me. I put parental controls on the t.v. too.
Darrell did up all the dishes again . . truthfully, I really appreciate this. I hate doing dishes. Today is fucking cold out. I pity Deanna in that freezing trailer and shes welcome to hang out here until she gets her wood, but I gotta get out and do my own thing now. Swim. maybe go havwe coffe some where and read a book.
Holidays over. social security and Dr.s stuff done . . there’s still hope. If I can keep my wages down to 1180.00 this month they will re instate the social security. wow. How do I convince my employer to reduce my hours that much??
it has to be done however. The social surety is my safety net . . if I lose a job, travel, have to flee whatever . . . it is what saves me. I can make a lot more money working full time . . . but its not a guarantee . . and I need something gaurateed until retirement.

Jan 5
Feeling really well rested this morning. Slept and dreampt a lot. I’ve been sleeping better than I have in ages. other people reporting that too . . there are forces that influence our feelings of health and well being that we cannot control, things invisible such as radio activity, chem trails even directed energy. whose to say the nausea, dizziness , disrupted sleep patterns couldn’t be from Fukashima fallout, directed energy targeting in California or spraying? We can’t know for sure. I only know that for the first time in ages I am sleeping long periods of time and feeling energetic when I awake. it may be because I am not listening too much to utube in the wee hours.
Still have not confronted Darrell about the last rash of pornography last week. It is sooo easy just to let it slide. It means im already ‘falling into place’ so to speak. . . where anything becomes normal. A state I lived in for years. already all my boundaries have been broken down and I have become compliant. Darrell pretty much has taken over my place, my car and everyone on the streets and Lummi is quietly calling victory. confrontation means a lot of trouble for me in the community. I am thinking about setting a limit at the end of January. Then again essentially it is an decision that has to do with ethics v.s survival strategy. If I tell him that the pornography issue IS important to me, and he knows it and willfully disregarded it, and that it is something I cannot condone or tolerate then that is only the beginning of my social troubles. If other people call me a liar . . and they are, or a cuckoo, and if they mock my ‘feelings’ they only need to think about how that would feel if THEY extended themselves to someone in a big way , offered their home to someone and immediately found this kind of stuff on their t.v. Would they be angry? Feel betrayed?
Ive been so focused on money and work matters right now because I NEED to get that social security reestablished before I deal with anything else. and I NEED to finish my training and learn this jo position. Did morning shift yesterday . . . the first time in a while.
Ive got a really crabby client that barks at me non stop, and a coworker that does the same , but other than that I really like morning shift. I was in a good mood and tried to radiate positivity and cheer to my peeps and didn’t let the other stuff bring me down.