August 2017

2 08 2017

August 1 2017

Did some yoga tonight. something I have not done in a long while. I took my time.  Concentrated on breathing and being present and moving in rythym to when my body told me it had worked through whatever blockage was causing pain.  There were many of them.  A major one in my hip where I repeatedly fell.  My muscles were very tight and protective but i could feel them rejoice as i released bound up areas . Especially in my lower back.  it took a long, long time.  My body was so out of balance.  No wonder i was falling on my right leg so much.  I have a badly arthritic big toe on my right foot that i have forgotten to stretch for months.  i did some squats . . i forgot what they are called . . .putting my weight on my toes and rocking forward then up and down and boy did that make a difference.  i could feel the channels opening  all the way to my head. I feel so much better. Re alligned.

I felt happy when i finished.  happy to be exactly where i was. i felt , not dissacociated, unbalanced.  but alive, enjoying the sultry evening, the music.

August 6

Power is due to be turned off at Darrell’s today. Everyone tries to tell me NOT to rescue him this time.  But Darrell in utter darkness is literally as well as metiphorically without power, and that makes a dangerously unstable Darrrel who will need to shower and eat somewhere . . and that is me. Bottom line . . it is a safety issue for me.   Im also dealing with an extremely biased community which still holds ME accountable for everything in his life . I asked the co op for a draw to pay on Darrell’s  bill and within hours it was deposited in my account.  Weeks ago when i asked for a draw to get tires on my car it was promised but never deposited, despite several requests and reminders. This tells me a lot. It’s still all about who WE like.  Like it or not that dominates my life and choices . .   But of course, it never works.  Things cycle around anyway no matter how much i pour into it . . but at least it puts things off, puts a band aid on a situation that has such destructive potential for my peace and privacy.   But I am feel depressed again this morning at the festivals i will not make this month, the morning coffee houses, just when i was starting to enjoy themEarlier in the summer i was having trouble with disorganization.  Seemed like everything broke, and had to be replaced. I kept falling.  loosing things.  My health and pain level was terrible.  This month i am feeling quite fit.My pain levels are pretty low. But it seems like Ive made some bad choices , in moods of instant  impulsiveness  that exist in contrast to my usual survival stragegies and thinking that is always weighing the pros and cons down the road, tending toward distrust.

The Go phone was one such poor choice. At the time i needed a phone,after my tablet died,  and thought it would be a good gift for Darrell as well  to keep him occupied. It did till the data ran out.  When I changed the plan to unlimited a few days ago the phone no longer would work. it was slow and wouldn’t download.  I put it back on factory settings but it is still was worthless.  A bunch of money . .again,  trying to fix the developing Darrell madness  by giving him something to occupy himself. Making poor choices . .getting a cheap phone instead of a good one.

The car i bought has got some issues. I don’t like the color. it was also a  poor choice . . after a successfull stragety of carefull consideration that prevented me from buying some other cars that were overpriced junk. , , I bought it in a mood of crescendoing instant gartifacation.

it seems you can make many, many rational choices but you only need to slip into the ferocious irrationality of abandoning carefully considered conseqence once . . . and once can screw up your entire life for a long time time, even permanently.  The prisons are full of that one poor choice. You can loose your home over one poor choice. a relationaship.  A family. A reputation.  A job.  A life. As i have discovered, they are not ireversabile as we believed when we were young.

(later) got the go phone up and running right . . . my payment to the account had been processed but not the updated data plan. I am thrilled to have a smart phone at peak performance again. Got the loan from the Co op but it was too late to rescue Darrell’s shut off today.  They would not set up payment plan.  OK so make the best of it.  I guess he will be over a lot more  and in a rotten mood that may develop into something to be wary of.  But i quit all booze so i should be able to handle it O.K.

Just feeling funky today and crabby. Need to do that yoga.  My muscles are all tight from swimming and the chlorine causes a little allergy. I think that’s what’s making me crabby.

8-8

Took out a few hours to do my yoga again tonight. It did not take as long for me to relax those back muscles. My balance doing standing poses, like the warrior is better.  there are changes too in the meditative state.  The first time i did the yoga i smudged first and asked all negativity to leave. It came crescendoing back afterwards and i had some wine later.  . . one last destructive practice before . . . I was puzzled by that.  why did i want to do that?  Enact such destructive craving when i was trying to move in the opposite way.  i wondered if forces of evil hating to be banished, found a way back in a big way because i was not stronger just then. . like a tsunami following a tidal draw away from the shore.  or was it just garbage that was being released?  I had awfull dreams after that.  I dreamt of going to the bathroom and shitting larve or something like that.  This signifies decay i think.  or something ‘eatting’ at me.

When i talked about this to  Darrell he gruffy asked me if i had been talking to what medicine man .Who was teaching me these things.  . but he knew what i was talking about and told me to keep on doing it.  he understood about the negative stuff gushing back.

Tonight was my third session.  I swear I envisioned, when i meditated, an advising presence that told me to cease thses bad practices if i wanted to move into another state of awareness.  To begin with myself. Im in a different place tonight than i was the first time.I do not feel agitated .  i do not feel like messing myself up with too much wine.   I feel like I am in touch with my soul, everything seems sharp and clear.  Im not going to write more about this.  It is a journey not easily conveyed or likely to be understood . Darrell of course will ascertain things without being told.

Finished up some hats and photographed them earlier.

 

 

 

 

 

Trump’s saber rattling at North Korea scares me. Approaching Niburu does not. If it’s true, there is nothing we can do about it  unlike  playing with nuclear threat . it seems so insane. We have learned nothing.

I am worried about Darrell and dealing with mixed feelings about this power bill thing that’s been going on for so long.  I feel bad for him and wish I had been doing more earlier , like printing up his art the way i used too, and paying on his bills I (actually I was paying on some of his bills) instead of getting a car.  That’s what i mean about poor choices. I made a choice driven by self centeredness instead of altruism.  I should have secured his world for him if i really cared for him . . .perhaps i wasn’t particularly caring that much the way i once did. id been so burned over the past years and it was hard to shake.  that’s why i picked such a dark car.  It was dark energy.

Today when i was out walking with Georgia two eagles were swooping and playing right above us. Once i would have taken it as a signal that i was on the right path, doing something right.  But perhaps it was just two eagles frolicking.

8-9

Got wheel covers in and boy does that car look better.  Snazzy.  Treated myself to a haircut and feel snazzy too. I was feeling horrible this afternoon. ugly and frumpy and everything felt wrong. could not figure out what was wrong and how to make it better. The haircut did the trick.

I had been eating some very sugary cake.  Carrot cake with loads of frosting . . . .my favorite and something i cannot resist. Oh . . that craving aspect.  And it made me feel terrible.  perhaps i am developing some diabetes . . . it was a rotten awfull feeling i could not put my finger on.  I usually don’t eat that much sugar . . except brownies.  i thought about my dream . . perhaps i really have a parisite problem. Not metiphorically but in actuality.    My guts are not feeling right. I have recently a craving for sugars . . perhaps there is a way to test this . . or go down to the health food store and try some worm wood or something they recommend.  Do a purge of some sort.

The tumeric I have been taking daily seems to be reducing pain and inflamation in a noticable way.

They found a new apartment for Darrell.  A two bedroom.  He is excited about this.  I am no longer worried about him being abandoned to darkness . . . and me failing to prevent this . . . perhaps unconciously willing it? Because of all the hurt done to me?

But  he does not care about me.  others that know me find my company interesting, down to earth, open, humerous, intelligent, generous, often funny  . . human.

if they cant see that then . . who is really the garbage.

8/11

Dream

I dreamt that Darrell and i went to Nazca Peru. In my dream Nazca was a town with a world famous museum. Something big was happening there.  A revolution of sorts was about to happen in a nearby town.

8 11

Took Joan out to Elizabth park Thursday night and we both got out and danced.  Imagian Joan, 8o something year old Joan getting out and doin ‘Truckin’ by the dead.  It’s really good for her sake to get out and enjoy festive events while she can.  I am trying to do my job as thoughtfully as i can, most of the time,  trying to make a difference in the quality of someones life.  I once directed that energy toward Darrell and i was repayed with social violence. These days he refers to me as just a piece of shit drunk.  other women tell me he spreads alot of dirty stuff about me . . which explains why there’s been a resurgence of like minded energy from guys around town . . Im being reduced to this, as dismissed as such.  . . In my personal I am still the one thinking about how to make the quality of some one elses life better . . my folks, my clients.  Everyone but myself i guess.  My quality of life over the years has been terrible, and its taken its toll.  Took Georgia out to Lake Padden yesterday.  i guess she rarely gets to do this.  She really enjoyed just sitting on the bench watching the kayakers and swimmers.  Getting cooler now.  Rain tommarrow . . .at last.

8 13

Took the Onyx to Jiffy Lube and had her done, Firestone as well for a wheel alignment.  The allignment was severe.  Glad i got it fixed.

The other night i had that dream about Nazca in Peru.  Then,  The other night i was watching  Gia t.v and found a program  about recent finds in Nazca . supposedly, they discovered mummies of Aliens. They were testing the dna.  These mummies were strange, with long threee fingered toes and hands, enlongated skulls.  Is this program a fake?? The mummies a hoax?  Like the mermaids??  In the third program they showed the mummies of tiny , tiny human like creatures they had also found in the Nazca area.  Earlier that day I had told Darrell about the 3 fingered mummy and what a strange coincidence it was that I had had this dream about Nazca only a night or so before i watched this.  Darrell had told me that people on his rez had witnessed tiny people there.  I got the usual speech about how white people think they know everything but theres a lot of things  that his people know.  Which i agree with.  Then this program about the tiny mummies.  I am excited by all of this.  Why would I have that dream?  Why me? After all . . .Im not a seer, a medicine man, a phrophetess, Im just this or just that .  It feels like a clue.

8/14

Did a little research and apparently the Nazca mummies are fake. Real human mummies from antiquity that have been modified .

They are calling the riots in Charlotte’sville a race conflict. But most everyone there is white . . so it’s an ideological conflict, not really a race one.

8/16

Wow. Events in Charlotte’sville have really touched an emotional hotspot in a lot of people. I hesitate to pour out my thoughts in the matter.  My thoughts are swirling around. There’s much I want to say. I fear being pulled into an entrapment before I fully understand what’s been going on.  Just as I move away from taking on issues of conflict and am practicing finding a place free of anger . . . I am being tested with things that can create anger. And yet, those who do not engage are guilty of aqquiesence by silence as well.

I too have been very hurt by supremecy. I was ghettoized by a family who pisses all over themselves defending liberalism ( in Minneapolis)  but whose notions of worth are defined by race at a deep level. this translated into enormous  hardship, it put me permanently into a class that can never regain any status in the middle class no matter how good a person I may be.   I know and saw  the lives of the marginalized, and i survived it.  people seem to have forgot that.  and, at one time I fought  against classism.  Many people hated me for this.   I WAS  marginalized because of my paling around with Darrell when i first came to Bellingham. . .and the attitudes of supremicists who marginalized me are protected and excused even held up as ‘truth’  by the very media that proclaims these views to be repulsive and inexcusable. The liberal elite does not recognize how much , at a deeper level , not the intellectual one, they too embrace a world view that is formed by supremecy.  anytime someone says . . . so and so  is only garbage . . .anytime they dehumanize some one, excuse  or forment social violence  . . .they are coming from a value system not fundamentally different from the supremicists they decry, only more sophisticated, less raw and ugly.  or is it?

People carrying torches and spewing hate toward others is a very shocking and easily recognized image.  Its the less recognizable stuff that is scarey to me, because its hurt me the most.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





July 2017

2 07 2017

See June

Too lazy and tired today.

July 7

Just got notice from social security.  It will in all likelyhood end soon. I am only 1 and half years away from retirement . . .now, when my hip is in constant pain and riding buses is an agony, now when asthma has escalated and takes chunks out of my work . . when i need it they end it.  I am only working part time since I have returned from MN and absolutely nothing has gone right.  it’s like there’s this disaster or breakdown energy that has shutting down everything I . . and my frined darrell try to do.  I was given a job assingment up in the hills and they have to call a cab because Darrell’s car is falling apart.
Because he hit a deer. This costs the co op time and money. Then the assignment is cancelled.  No explanation . . i am left wondering what did I do wrong?  I thought we were getting along good . . perhaps we were, perhaps its just the transportation problem. Then my tablet died. I need a phone for work so even though i am really short on money I went out and got a go phone. It lasted about 6 days . .then the night before I am to go to Seattle, I am getting really ill with brochitis and asthma and slop herb tea on the phone.  No phone to call work.  No phone to call Kate.  Some how we connect in Seattle. By Sunday I am in bed, where I belonged. No phone to call in sick so I use email to contact them, twice,  about not making my Monday shift.  I get in trouble for  not calling.    I know they think Im bullshitting . . .

it just sounds like an inplausable string of mishaps. So I have to go in today and recieve my scolding lecture and paperwork on ‘communication’ and ‘attendance’.  Yes your honor, the car hit a deer, two phones died, I was sick . . but the car is up and working now, we replaced the wheel bearings, and i got a flip phone for emergencies. Im better . . . i went to the doctor.  Really your honor.

Then yesterday there was another miscommunication about cancelling my evening shift. In trouble for that.  Everything is collapsing no matter how hard i try and I am genuinely frightened.  I really need that social security.  I can hardly walk these days.  How will i work??  Seems like everyone is angry with me no matter what I do, . . and Im the one that’s doing all the work, all the helping out, reaching out, going on bus trips to patch up family ties . . which doesn’t work and then takes a hug bite out of my health, physical emotional and financial and destabilizes my world big time.  Quitting Cascade connections to go to MN  has ruined me. What little constancy and stability I had.   If my parents had not been so strange and had let me reestablish myself id be in a good job right now, with a car for my hip.  perhaps it is this toll that is manifesting itself in all this energy that makes things go wrong ever since i came back. But then . . . I think the beginning of the end began a little over a year ago, the Spring trip to Standing Rock and MN. This entire year since then has been nothing but abuse and anger and talk of death threats  and me trying to cope as professionally as i can to hold on to the future. The long range plans i made for the future have fallen apart. All that training and practice so i could step in and help my folks transition the last years of their life . . but the energy connected with casting Karen out was more powerfull, more deeply ingrained, more nessesary to them than the bonds of love.  Now Im up shit creek.

Really, Im trying to be a good employee but i feel like that biologist guy in the gods must be crazy trying to impress the school teacher and everything goes wrong, looks wrong instead.  I suppose i can just look for another line of work . . .there’s always running the cash register at some conveniance store.  I can call up socail security and cry and cry, get some kind of written verification on the extra expenses my ‘disability’ are creating for my co op. Then get some exrays of that hip as fast as i can . . . and hope I can get the results to social security beofore their final desision.

Sunday

Rest day.  Feeling better.  I did not get the reprimand I expected.  Perhaps making a mountain over a mole hill . . but it shows i care about my work. Just a little tap on the wrist.  Also recieved another letter from S.S.A . . . they are keeping my benefits in place and medicare too.  That makes me very, very happy.  That is the cornerstone of my stability at this point.  it allows me to live with some comfort . . anything else i make is extra and allows me to dress better, go out to eat . . . get tablets and so on. I am putting money into savings for a car now.   We are now entering a stage of fix it energy where everything seems to mend, come together, come out bright and shiney.  I took Darrell’s car to the car wash and got all the deer crud and road crud off of it.  It purrs now, all bright and shiney. Darrell too was purring, his smile all bright and shining.

I don’t know if I am bright and shiney yet but i feel like all the road crud is washed off my soul as well.  When we settle down and quit trying to run across country our little world maintains itself nicely despite all the challenges and what ever opinions are thrown our way.  When we dash off all the time in the name of family everything falls apart and has long term consequnses.  Darrell especially . . but why am i writting about him still.  he does not write about me. Cusses a lot perhaps.

I am wearing my prayer bead bracelet all the time. After all, the gods are real if you believe in them . . . I rather like the god that was manifested in the monk/hustler who blessed and cursed me in Seattle.  Rather like Mr. Wednesday of ‘American Gods”. My favorite  show,.  i decided to believe in good things happening if i wear it . . .and truthfully, i feel better. The love and compassion  energy that was dying out in me blossomed back . if it’s delusional well what of it . . . it doesn’t hurt.

Wednesday

Day off.  I am well again and looking forward to getting back to swimming. Really looking forward to my day.  I might even do some yoga later.  Worked w Georgia yesterday who is such a sweetheart. This line of work, through the co op,  is so much less stressfull and depessing than what I was doing in Lynden. And much easier too in some ways . . it does however require interpersonal skills, since this is companionship as well as assistance. So it depends on my ability to forge communications. To find commen ground with my clients.    I can talk to people, talk about their lives, mine to some degree, i am not cut off from others as i was under progressive sabotage. Their ruthless and evil tactics were  not entirely successful.

I have been watching ‘The Story of China’.  It has completely  engaged me. So much of it is unfamilier to me.   I was always kind of partial to the Ming Dynasty in the past because i admired their voyages , the pottery and laquerware. I had no idea they were so autocratic and severe however.  I think I would have enjoyed living in the southern Song.

As long as i was ugly and unvalued so no one bound my feet. And i could write poetry and eat out a lot.  Perhaps if I were part of a restaurant owning family . . . or a lively tavern.

But hell, I have a lot of that here and now.  Except for being ugly, and part of a resturant owning family.

Bought Darrell a new pair of tennis shoes.  He is in a pretty ragged place right now . . . tape on his shoes. The St. Cloud upbringing voice tells me that it is the consequence of his own actions, irresponsibilities  and  choices, and if he is lonely and forlorn its because he has been such an asshole . . .the pity part of me , despite everything, is trying to fan a little bit of hope and care in the hopes that he will pull his life together again.  A new pair of shoes, a new shirt, a chicken dinner . . .who doesnt like new shoes.  it won’t break the bank.  He WILL try to push the envelope if Im generous, it comes with the territory, and i WILL build up resentments if  I let myself be a push over.  But that isn’t happening right now . . and I am finding what I need in life in my community now, unlike the past and all my meaning is not tied up with darrell.

I ment to write of things on the larger stage that have captured my attention.  Rush Limbaugh said some things that caught my attention and stunned me with their stupidity . . . but, I dont feel like going into it. right now.

Sunday 7-16

I have things to be very happy about, things to be gratefull for that have come my way but instead I am feeling very sad, abandoned,

puzzled by so much rejection, and empty. For tyhe first time since I cam back from MN I am pain free, illness free. Got in a good workout at the pool. That is something to be grateful for.  Social security is something to be gratefull for.  My father’s sudden willingness to help me finance a used car is something to be gratefull for.  I ought to be estatic. But I just feel so lonely. I did a string of things with Darrell and then he unexpectedly turned mean on me . . .ive been over that over and over in my journals and it still hurts. Still gets to me.  The things people do to hurt me always seem to overshadow all the good things . . and sometimes it just catches up in a mini breakdown of sorts. When Darrell took off without telling me and no one would answer my calls it really messed with my soul, filled me with puzzlement and anger and grief. When i run into Paul or Andrea that’s all I can think of. Why? Oh . . because Im supposed to be soooooo stupid. That carcophany of condemnation, constant from Darrell as well. So, that excuses the most basic courtesy? What was so stupid about being worried, worried about him losing his place, trying to ttrack him down in Standing Rock?? Gathering up some of his cherished stuff? Then the hear6breaking stuff in St. Cloud. after all that effort.  Then no one would comment any more on Facebook.  That’s done.  After all that effort.  Now Kate is not responding to communication after all the pain and illness and trouble i went through to get down to Seattle. I guess I didn’t show her a good enough time ior she deemed me too unworthy. Now . . despite the flipping into anger and abuse, i feel sad that I am truely, finally losing Darrell. He is taking down and packing up his stuff to leave. This hurts most of all . . . we did so much to make him comfortable in his new apartment, and it all went down the tubes.  The energy that once usustained it dissapeared.  All the love left . . yet, i hung on, even though the love had gone.     I am all alone and friendless. I have no connections now.

I do have some peace and security, and with a car Im all set. My job keeps me interested.  Is my destiny i wonder to be so sad all the time.

7/19

Worked with Georgia, who was crying and crying when i arrived over a tiff with her son over hair washing.  I just held her.  She is responsive to affection and touch.  We all have our ‘cry days’. Days when we just seem to have an overview of our life situation and we want to cry, or can’t stop it when it starts, for all the wasted days we get up, go through our routines, put on our best most optomistic face . . and still feel wronged in some way. Feel the futility of it all.  I think with Georgia, that in spite of the dementia, there are moments of emotional clarity, as there are in other clients, when the overview of their situation and their lack of personal autonomy and controll is fully felt.

The childish, pouty  mood of a few days ago has passed. Not without ripples of consequence. Depression causes lapses in my focus in my work and self . I get my schedual screwed up . . mess things up for myself. Loose things. break things. drop things. forget things.    You would think i would have this thing licked by now . . . be able to recognize the patterns that lead to relapse.  Perhaps some day the behaviorists will find out that they got it all wrong . . it really IS demonic spirits after all .OOOOPS.   You have to wonder sometimes . . .

Perhaps my visit with Kate brings up the undiscovered country of a deep bond going back to childhood, good and bad.  And it casts a shadow that’s been hard to shake.

She did write me a brief and up beat thanks for the visit.  And that ment a lot.

Came very close to being conned, or inadvertantly  making a poor buying desision on a KIa.  it seemed to travel nice at higher speeds.  But something about the man’s sales pitch alerted me that he was aware of possible transmission problems ( it had been replaced) and something about leaks being sealed so i had it checked out by the boys at the black top and they found a few things that would cost mean additional 2000. if not fixed they said i would be risking a blown head gasket so I did not get the car.  Tired of looking at cars right now. The enthusiasm has worn off. You can’t get very much for 2500. You need at least 3000 to get a used car that’s decent.  I have the number of a dealer that a bunch of guys here in my building swear by so i guess I’ll check them out.  Darrell has been taking me around . . but of course, he wants a lot of gas money. Mayber I will just save up and get something half way decent.

Going to the Dr. today to have them look at that hip.  Ill probably have to have some exrays.  Did some beadwork projects and that was fun.  almost done with a new hat design as well.  So that’s the boring report from the increasingly  boring old lady . . and i am beginning to sound like a old lady these days.  My hips. My doctors appointment.  My car.  The illnesses of others. My crochetting.   But I have come to a place where I value holding on to connections with people a lot more than I used to.  perhaps it becomes important at last on the cusp of sunset years . We hold on to what we have if we can. Instead of throwing it all away on some momentous thing as we see it . . which all passes away anyway and is forgotten.

(later)   Bursitis. That was the diagnosis. one of those itises. My new young , handsome, fit , strong handshake doctor gave me the talk . . .on the holistic relationship between nutrition, emotional health, eatting habits, metabolism  and so on  . jeez i felt like i ought to be ashame d for being fat and old.  . . i mean , he was a really nice guy . . but the term “morbidly obese.’ who termed that??  morbidly obese?? not pleasently or happily or even joyfully or self acceptingly obese . . morbidly obese?  people who weigh 600 pounds and wish to dies that way perhaps . . . but I m 70 pounds away  from being o.k.  .  where did this term morbidly obese come into being?  Im not morbid about the extra 70 pounds I carry.  well . . sometimes.  I  wistfully wish for the days when i was different.  but give up beer?  For beauty? at 60?  hell no.

what exactly am i supposed to be fit and beautifull for?

Friday

Started the diet.  Bought a bunch of tangerines and bananas.  Making up some chicken soup , without noodles.  Hibiscus tea and iced black tea instead of juice or gatoraid.  i wanted to do this anyway.  i can take off 25 pretty easy . . it’s not following that with a binge of m and ms, peanuts and snickers that’s the hard part.  I found out the wild Turkey is the alchoholic beverage with the least amount of calories.  I did not know that.  Now i know it. Tequila comes in second.

Got my smart phone replaced.  Im letting Darrell use it so he can play his games , watch netflicks and do facebook . . . its better for his mentle health than watching endless Andy Griffith dvds.  I may use it from time to time  , I miss my u tube, but i signed up for Gia on on demand and that has been keeping me quite engaged.  Only one season of Buzz saw??  I would think it would have a lot of viewers, interesting material . . the kind of thing I seek out. I don’t write about it much, but i think about it. . . the Dracos, the The Rockefellers, the
rothshields, the mind controll terrorism, (Actually I have written alot about my experience with that . . long before it became widely understood) Nebula,   there are endless topics in Gia to feed my hungry seeking curiosity.   The smart phone for Darrell is a good move, better that than feeding his weed habit and his  endless driving to Lummi out of obsession and boredom.

Still looking at cars.

Tues

Got a car. A Honda accord .   Needs tires.  Also an oil change . . so Im not going to drive it much till i do this. Had a little trouble starting it yesterday and my heart sank, thinking Id bought a dud. But it was just the battery posts. I cleaned them off and put a little tinfoil around them and retightened the bolts and that did the trick.

Invited Darrell over to dinner but, true to form,  he didn’t show and i got bent out of shape. Brought over some food instead.  Man, was he grouchy.

Wed

Put in some oil  .  The car was frighteningly low on oil, as it was in radiator water and windsheild fluid.   This guy must of let that car sit for a while . . either that or he sure didn’t care very much about it.  He didn’t really drive it like that ?   It just purrrs now.  It definetly has potential.  I trust it now . . except for the tires.  Car has  these red and black leather racing seat covers and steering wheel cover . . i hate them and want to take them off but Darrell likes them and says they suit the car. They don’t suit my personality however.  The car is really good on gas, really good but i will have to watch it carefully to see if it eats oil, or leaks.  I have to get the title change and plates. Dang i hate this WA law that makes you get new license and tabs when you change title.  Expensive.  Then tires.  After the 3rd Ill put it on the block and have it checked out . . . I should probably check the transmission fluids and break fluids today. Also, clean it out. All kinds of shell casings under the seat.  Not only did this kid like racing periphanelia, he also apparently liked to hunt. And crank up the music.  He had expensive subwoofers in the car  but I didn’t want to [pay for them so he removed them . . that’s probably why the battery post was loose. Car sticks a tiny bit in first and could use a little  reallignment but not too bad and the mileage is pretty good.

I’ll put some Indian blankets on those seats.  Hang a little sage from the windshield.  Maybe something goofy on the dash . . .get some stickers on the bumpers . . . .yeah,then the car will be hunted instead of hunter . . . .that’s actually not a joke, but it will feel right.

Then Ill crank up the Bach and totally confuse them.

Monday

Made some dances and festivities last week. Went to the Downtown block party on Wenesday night.  Some hot bands, Snug harbor and Positive Agenda.  I really dug Snug harbor.  The lead singer was . . er . . hefty . . .in a 1940s style Hawaiin lime and pink floral type dress with a pink floppy hat to match . . and boy could she belt it. What a voice.  Yeah!! Celebrating hefty women!!  This band was followed by a dancersize type group that got the crowd mimicking their sexy dancersize moves incorporating  African dance, latin (kind of) moves and a whole bunch of other dance styles.  Lots of hefty women in that group shakin that booty.  Proud to be hefty night and lovin it.  So, in the spirit of what appeared to be an empowerment thing I too got out and shook some hefty booty.  Probably the first time in about 20 or more years.  I still got some moves.

People here generally don’t ‘get down’ uninhibitedly.  I did most of my dancing in Eugene and especially Newport OR . . and in those days everybody got down at the drop of a pin. Especially in Newport during the winter months when the tourists were gone and the fishing slow and dancing was just the way people dealt with the dark and rainy months. They had some great local musicans in those days, like Rick Bartow.  When I worked at the Whale’s tail we would close up, clock out for a hour and go dance at the fisherman’s bar . . what was it called, the Bay Haven? Then clock back in and finish up.

It’s either a different era or a different region . . . people sway until theres enough of a crowd to brave dancing in a crowd. They are definetly not uninhibited.   And no one does much team dancing.  Girls dance with their friends a lot.  The loss of magic on the dance floor (except for the dancersize thing) seems to be a casualty of the whole gender blurring thing, some would call it a breakdown , deliberately engeneered or not, good or bad.  Not the way I remember it.

Also went out and caught some bluegrass the other night.  Im not going to let the summer pass without enjoying it a little.  Some times you have to make a plan to get out when depression gets you . . or the whole cycle of negative self talk.

Dudes seem to be angry at me for some reason.  I can see it . . what the issue is I do not know.  Made up a bunch of food for Darrell this week end and tried to make up after a friction last week.  I invited him to dinner.  He did not show or call. I got bummed out and bought some wine and had a few things to say over the phone.  But all is O>K> again.  We had dinner last night and were friendly company for each other.

The bad news is that my rent has been increased by 400 dollars . . and I am only working part time.

I have more to say about this.  it made me cry and cry. Feel Punished.  Like a target of jealousy and sabotage because my life was going better. My unending distress story with the BHA over the years.  I almost got in my car and drove to a brand new town yesterday.  Seems like they really don’t want you to get anything good, to get ahead.  Like they are so resentfull that some one might be getting something more, or for free, or undeservedly.  Or by not following the unwritten rules. or the written rules.  . You know, outside the matrix.

I could feel it in the building among the tenents too. But they saw me break down and cry, and once you do that, then the resentment eases off and even the thunderclouds are being friendly this morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 





June 2017 . . almost

20 05 2017

Cart is packed up and am ready to do the market . . . at last.  Not feeling too great.  I went down to Old Town for breakfast  . . just to make an appearance at the coolest breakfast spot in town, where all the intellectuals, the journalists and townys go.  it’s important to be seen, just so they know your still functioning.  The breakfast was too spicy.  It gave me heartburn and then the runs.  Im still trotting to the john.  But we are off to do the hat thing.  I went to Northwest Yarns and got some specialty yarns . . instead of ragfinery for second hand . . . and it feels wonderful to be doing my thing again the way i used to.  Im ready to sew too as soon as i have some time.  yesterday was supposed to be sew day but I spent most of it laying around in hip pain , ankle pain and gut pain.

I was expecting darrell to show up.  His folks said he was headed back.  I checked his place.  The music was still on. No sign of Darrell.   Then i got a message . . he was still in jail.  I could have written him if Id known that.

I am feeling better the past few days.  Ive gotten in some swimming.  My landlord drastically lowered my rent making it posssible for me to travel and still keep my place.

Ive been following the news, spending much time on u tube but no time or inclination to explore my opinions on many topics of interest.

Monday

Feeling much better.  I’ve been swimming every day , trying to take better care of myself and I don’t look and feel so terrible about myself.  I will talk to darrell by phone this afternoon and find out what his plans are and what i can do to help.  I rescued a pot roast from his fridge yesterday ( and a lot of pot)  and threw out all the milk and spoiling foods.  I almost spent the night there just out of grief, which I am not allowing myself to fully feel or let go of.  I am reviewing so many things now i cannot write of here.

Wednesday

Today is my last day at the Dudleys.  I will miss them.  Last Saturday i dug up some of thier overgrown garden and now i am headed over to the co op to get some starts and flowers.  My parting gift.

Darrell is headed back with Rhonda according to her postings.  So i will let them alone. I will be gone before too long for I don’t know how long, could be weeks or maybe even months.  so i won’t see them much.

Despite all my persistant painfull attempts to contact Darrell , about what to do with his stuff, his apartment . . . It’s brutally and painfully apparent  that i have been completed erased from his life now with the support of his circle of friends and workers.  Am I SOOOO TERRIBLE??   I believe I was worthy of greater respect, but if it isn’t there then Im not going to make a fool of myself trying to plead and beg.  I have my dignity. I was good to that man for 20 years, never once did I do anything to be ashamed of, not one infidelity.   There was no reason so many people had to act that way unless they just wanted to hurt me and create confusion and stress in my heart . I am supposed to be that woman who created all these problems for Darrell and messed him up . . therefore they needed to retaliate and circle around him and cast me out.  that’s their line. or at least Darrell’s line.  I think it’s the other way around . . and if it were ever really looked into it would reveal a very disturbing picture.  But some how i will survive.

Even if the majority of people here in Bellingham buy the propaganda about ‘all the stuff she did.  I have heard this and that story’    and insist on treating me socially like a joke they have ‘exposed’  I will survive.     It only tells me that these are people who are rather shallow and willingly conned, or seem to need a hated inferior . . and therefor not people with much greatness in them and no one I would want to be with.  Unfortunetly, the people who understand the great con the best are tricky people,and have a first hand familiarity with evil and deception. However, i still feel that love is the anecdote . . .and that it triumphs.  We all have the potential for nourishing and loving . . and destroying too.  I find happiness in nourishing the people I take care of.  The hugs i get from clients.

The oddities of the dudleys in the declining years.  I try to nourish myself . . it seems like a war . . between the parts of me that self nourish . . and the parts that self destruction, that tamp down the fullest expression of my own portion of universal light. But so it is.

 

 

I have lost friends the past few months . . . I feel that I am defending myself against, or taking a stand against people who have played with my life, or who may have alterior motives and i have not put energy into forging new friendships much, Ive been grumpy and dazed and rather closed with co workers.

 

May 30

Only a few minutes before work.  In a lot of pain in my back and hip this morning.  Hard to get walking and moving.  Pretty much all packed.  Ive been in constant contact with Darrell’s kin and i guess he was drinking a lot, got in a wreck, rolled his car, went to jail with Dallas.  At Olena’s advice, I moved some of darrell’s stuff over to my place for safe keeping.  She didn’t think, the way he was going, that he would be coming back.  Yesterday was the first day I finally got in touch with him.  He is drying out.  Will be coming back with his nephew. Which nephew i don’t know. I will be headed East when he gets here.  I am finally over all the emotional trauma and enjoying the quiet of my apartment the past few days.  The birds and plants have found a good home.  Most everything is in order.  I am still too fat, and still drinking too much on and off this month . . i wanted to go home as healthy and trim as i could but it will not be.  At least ui have some new clothes.  Darrell will probably pick up with his anger right where he left when he gets here . . . cussing me down for moving hi stuff over to my place . . . but he never bothered to call, no one around here told me what was going on with his plans, his place or anything up here . . .so i had to rely on what his aunt suggested.  he will have to come over and get his stuff.  he has a key.  people think i don’t already know what he really was up to with me and my world up here . . . I always knew, but it was useless to speak of it, even dangerous, and no one listened anyway so i adapted.  perhaps I made myself believe in a romeo and Juliet love story simply to deal with the reality.  But i was aware of darker energies, I never missed much.  Perhaps the attachment was a kind of Stockholm syndrome, perhaps it was real . . for most of the years i was up here it felt real, painfully real and as i have often said . . compared to what other people seemed to be doing . . Darrell seemed like my one human connection that made life sustainable.  Its funny now, when I do not find find myself thinking about the Sioux so much in comparison to the many years i sought thier goodwill . . now i actually have a much better and familier relation with his family.

 

June 31st

Got a nice letter from sister Kate. Wow.  Her life is so very different from Mine . . . so energetic, going to events, hikes, runs, concerts , dances and museums and vacations all the time.  Just watched Mike Moore’s doc.  I have to admit . . . he makes a compelling and entertaining documentary.  Norway . . Italy . . . France . . . Germany . . they finally got their approach to living right in comparison to miserable us.  Where do I go for vacation the past few years . . . central Minnesota!!  Trips across the rockies.  Did i ever do anything bold and new and exploratory the past few years.  Just obbess and travell down the same well worn paths . . why not strike out for the South West?  Go and see Chaco Canyon?  Why not go to Fing Italy?  Shoot i haven’t even been back to visit oregon . . not Even Seattle very much.  Wow.  Last night i went to Boudary Bay Bistro and Pub with some of my clients to watch them do a music thing.  Why the hell wasn’t i going out to Bounday Bay all the time?  Because . . . I would have had to go alone? Did i ever ask a co worker to out at Night? Or any of the tenents here?  Jack would have loved to go. Because i felt unpopular . . . and it felt awkward to go alone?    Because i was always tired at night?  Well . . that’s true.  Maybe i will go out to Boundary Bay tonight . . .Ill grab somebody to go with.

And i WILL strike out and make some road trips now  . . . I will go where no
Egerman has ever gone before. Before i kaput.  I will have a car . . i can go where i want.

June 5

St. Cloud.  It’s been hot. Thunderstorms tommarrow. I spent most of the day updating my resume, and listening to Moms fragmented remeniscences.  Put a nice dinner on the table. Dad said he would be going to an appointment in the morning and i replied;

“Don’t worry.  I’ll make sure she gets her medications.”

Mom went into kind of a growl . . .saying don’t treat me like a baby or I’ll . . THROW YOU OUT.  Jeez . . . I’ve hardly gotten here and already she’s starting her threats to throw me out . . . which is inevitable.  They ALWAYS do that . . .dispite all the talk about how much they want me to come back . . . good thing I didn’t let go of my place.  I was feeling pretty good, chatting at the dinner table like old times . . . forgetting what a pschological torture chamber my life really was behind closed doors . . . . Then she gets that smug look of satisfaction on her face once she’s had her moment of threat and bullying.  The sad thing is . . . . so many women are like that. The have that inner need to inflict pain . . . .My mother is not unique.  i saw sooooo much of this in Washington.  It’s evil. and you can always tell by the eyes . . . the look of smug satisfaction once the pain has been delivered.

Probably jealousy.  I made a nice dinner.  Dad liked it.  She always hated that.  Maybe I’ll go for a swim tonight. Im not hurt or anything . . . just irked that this k9ind of energy found it’s way into my head once again.  Tommarow I planned to look for work. I’m all set. Got a new hair cut and some excersise and rest.

Poor Dad.  One of his eyes is completely gone.  No sight at all.  He looks exhausted, yet he spends all of his day outside working in the yard.  Mom cannot be left alone much . . she can’t take her own medications.  IU don’t know what can I do . . .they wont hire any body but a blind man and a woman in full dementia . . still playing these stupid little games  it is pathetic.  I want to help them.  I was ready to try to make a go of it here in St. cloud for their sake, to be around them their time of need . . but i guess they will have to collapse into tragety because of these patterns they cannot abandon.

Why is it so important to throw Karen out?? Is that what my family lives for?  and it’s so sad to realize that there are so many people just like this.

Dad has promised me the car so I think I will talk to him tommarrow and ask if we can conclude the deal right away in case the inevitable . . .and pathetic . . . well your mother says . . it’s best you leave crap starts . . “what can i do, I have to live with her”

I know i can never ever return to St. Cloud for more than a few days . . . my family simply will not allow it.  I ought to go ahead with Darrell’s designs . . . he wants to in a sense conquer here . . he has a cousin here.  Perhaps i will go look her up.

I mean why bother to protect them because they’re blood.

Wednesday June 7th

Got resume’s finished. Ready to trot and give it a go.  Everything smoothed out . . i should learn by now not to let those moments that trigger a lifetime of trauma get the best of me.  They passed. We all had a pleasent evening.   Spent the evening cutting the grass and edging.  Today, i clean the toilets and showers. Post some resumes.  Called Darrell and asked him for a telephone number of a lady who was my co worker through the Co op and a good reference but he barked and yelled and cussed me for bothering him.  So much for contacting his cousin. Im on my own.  It’s all on me.  I need to be tough and on top of it.  if you try to to talk about or expose the establishment too much around here you already know what they will do . . .usually they beat me to it, Put some kind of horrific charecter demonization out as soon as i get to MN . . . but since i am quiet, I am hoping everyone else will be too. Besides, there is nothing I have to say at this point that the alternative media isn’t doing better. Everyone knows now about the Clinton crime family, the Satanic Pizza gate stuff now being addressed by the attorney general and not just conspiracy nonsense, the chem trails,the awfullness of celebrety culture, the bullshit of media, the death of journalism,  the extremety of the progressive sabotage, the extensive mind controll . . all this stuff that was considered proof of some kind of mentle illness on my part is now commen knowlege . . it is all coming out.  People DO get targeted.  But . . i really don’t care anymore.  My focus right now is be of help to my folks during a difficult time because they really need it and that is what family is supposed to do. So what . .sore spots from childhood, we all have them . . by the age of 60 we should be able to understand and master the emotions they trigger. We should be concious and pro active rather than re active.  So . . Im feeling pretty good this morning.  Healthy. Optomistic. What ever happens,happens.

Thur

Took Mom to a hair stylist this morning and she looks great, like the Mom i used to know.  I trimmed her nails too which were extremely long . . Jeez, she had looked like Miss Havesham for so long.  I cleaned up her private bathroom which was a hoarding nightmare, not to mention all th crap that was splashed everywhere.  She looks beautiful now and vibrant and smiles and when she smiles her big black eyes light up. . . Not so lost and neglected. She was pouting a little over lunch so i backed away from doing to much for the rest of the day.  Dad is out with the neighbor lady planting flowers in the flower garden they tend for the city. her name is Karen, and she is a master gardener.  What a charecter.  Ex school teacher i believe.  I like her.
They, and the many nieghbors that passed by to chat cracked me up with their joking and funny ways.  It is turning out to be a very restorative time. I truely am enjoying my time now.

June 9.  Got a call back on one of my resumes. Yeah. I was starting to feel down . . . Mom was all pouty this morning and sending out bad vibes, Dad and i had a chat about that and my plans. The little speech I anticipated rolled out pretty true to script . . but She seems happy again this afternoon and we enjoyed each other’s company over dinner. I bought fried chicken for lunch and made a teriyaki stir fry for dinner. Went for a swim. Sent out another application.   Perhaps She thought i was drinking on the sly because I kind of burrowed away during the evening.  I have to remember that these behaviors of hers are rooted in past experience with my drinking episodes . . even though I am on good behavior and it seems unreasonable now it has a basis in past history.  I WAS awfull to her sometimes.

June 21st.

Back in Bellingham.

What a miserable trip back! Hurt my hip in Butte.  Did not get the old car, as i was promised.  Mom made a big scene at Perkins when Dad told her i would be buying it.  She insisted she needed it for emergencys and that she could still drive, and would. She was gloating and saying “I won, I won”
Dementia or no dementia, it’s really selfish.  I guess she is sitting on about 60, 000 dollars squirreled away,she doesn’t help with expenses  and Dad cannot pay bills. Neither of them is supposed to drive . . . but there is always the promise of the old car, it’s used as bait and then withrawn . . . this is not the first time and I am angry at myself for even letting myself hope a little that it would be different. Thank god, i had the wisdom in my old age never to put all my eggs in one basket . . . I don’t do that anymore.  it has fucked up my life.  I alway keep something in reserve,a plan B or a bit of distrust.

At any rate I injured myself in Butte and so have not left the house much.  Darrell has been on pretty good behavior during his visits. Soaking up0 some backrubs and meals.  I have no expectations now.  Been watching back to back episodes of Genius, Better call Saul and Fargo. Playing my computer games and cooking up.  I will call Circle of Care today about going back to work but truthfully, I really need this time . . . I could perhaps, just live on S.S.A for a few months . . . catch up on my creative projects, jyust do some beading and listen to music and sew.

 

(later)Rep. Steve Scalise, the guy that was shot at the republican baseball game . . wasn’t he the main guy , a key player in the Pizzagate investigation??  I will have to look into it.

 

Saturday

Was rehired by Circle Co op. Scattered shifts.  Off to the market.  Got Darrell a job and some break lights and new license plates.

Sunday

Had a fun day in the sun. Ran into  numerous people i hadn’t seen in a long time. Amy Gasser, who was running for council woman sat across from me.  She annoyed me a little    last year when she was stumping for Bernie but her approach to local politics was much less confrontational this year. .  She is one of the people that got the tiny house thing going here in WA and has a background in social work so i questioned her about getting Darrell into a tiny house.  I guess they have one started in Lummi reservation and are planning one for Bellingham.  I got her on the phone with Darrell briefly.  She thought she could use her influence, or at least help push it along, but couldn’t guarantee.  It was rather interesting watching political rivals make their entrances and exits.  Thier opponent came by and was really acting like an asshole, really childish.  I guess really childish is in now and no longer an immediate disqualifier.   Here’s to a possible tiny house for Darrell . . .i hope it will, with summer’s ripening breath turn into a beauteous flower.

Friday

Been a hellova week. Shattered shifts and no time, a lot of hip pain and asthma. Feeling better today however.  Tommarrow I go to Seattle to see Kate .  I have not seen my sister in about 20 years. Im rather excited about it despite our sometimes troubled past.

Kater can be a lot of fun because she is so active and interested in so many things.  She’s really into her friendships . . to a fault perhaps and does a lot of social things with them.  We are quite different that way.

things should be easier next week, now that i have a fixed part time schedual that leaves me a few days off.  My clients are glad to see me.

Saturday

SHIT. My new phone is already dead in the water.  That’s two phones  in 3 weeks.  How will I connect with Kate in Seattle?? Well I am going to go to Seattle any way and if she cant find me then she cant find me.  It sucks that there are no more public phones any more . You would think that if we live in a society able to produce the tech of a smart phone then they could do something to make them even a little bit more water resistant. It was herb tea, a splash of it that killed my new new phone.  Not beer slopped in a drunken stupor . . . don’t understand it.  I had fewer mishaps and accidents when I was drinking.  Its been one accident after another since i came back from MN.  I fell twice on my sore hip, that’s 3 falls total that kept me in constant pain. and I lost two phones due to carelessness.  I bet i don’t even connect with Kate in Seattle . . .just one more in string of things that break, fall, get lost, go wrong.  Oh, I forgot . . . I made up a nice dinner and was going to bring it over to Darrells whom I have not visited at his home since i returned.  Of course, the bag broke enroute, sending mashed potatoes, saurkraut and kielbasa all over the street.

Im sick too. Asthma and chest cold have me down.

Not drinking at all this month has made it possible for me to weather successfully the heartbreak and disappointment of my journeys, the heartbreak of the break up of everything I held onto in my personal world, parents, Darrell . . , also the stress of economic insecurity . . .

Yesterday i found myself at the top of a large winding hill halfway to Deming, In a home on  a balcony overlooking the region. Viewing my world from the top.  I was assisting a retired phyisican . Once my writting about this same region, describing the very bottom, and all the dark underside was despised by very sorts of people I now watch movies with . Life is funny.  I am finding I very much enjoy the company of my client who is worldly and bright and full of personality.  Perhaps life closes one hand to open another.

How much I once loved my boy, through the tragedies and hardships. Stood by and protected him during the dark night of the soul . . Marine park, and the streets.  But he forgot all that.  He chose non stop anger and  abuse the past years.  And his path crashed in Standing Rock not long ago. The car done for.  I still have all the pictures opn my walls from the days when the nest nourished his art. When it was a place of refuge. Proof of spirit.

We are living in a different time now.  And Trump is its embodyment . . both the left and right created him over the past 15 years. The media created what they now profess to despise.  He IS America.

Sunday

Yesterday was a rough one. Healing but emotionally challenging.  That’s a p.c. term . . ‘challenged’. it mean retarded but we don’t use that term in the caretaking profession.

Kate , Fred and I met by the bronze pig at the Saturday market.  It has been 19 years.  I really should not have gone to Seattle in the shape i was in, asthma challenged, I was in misery and had no inhaler.  The hip too was giving me a lot of pain on the ride down. Unlike my trip to MN to see family where i spent a lot of time and effort looking my best and being at my best, by the time i got to Seattle i was looking my worst, I was weak and dazed by the struggle for oxygen.  I hadn’t excersised for almost two weeks.  i was extremely tired from work.  Kate however, was radient with athletic good health. She  has grown quite pretty with time and self care.  Love makes all the difference it seems and she and her husband obviously have a happy and healthy marraige.  They are both funny and smart.  We had lunch at one of the places a little less known for it’s chowder and less crowded but considered by local references to be the best in the Seattle chowder wars.  All the chowder houses were out hawking and had long lines .Not ours.   The razor clam chowder i had was awesome.

We exchanged gifts. I gave Fred a pair of obnoxioux american flag swim trunks for the 4th of July. Kate i bought some essential oils for with the scents of indiginous trees. At the very least, they make a good bug repellent. I in turn received some homemade apple butter . . much prized.  We headed over to Elliot Park  for a bit after that . . and who did we approach but Dallas, Darrel’s brother.  At least i think it was Dallass. he had Dallass features and walk.  I gave him several quizzingly looks but he did not acknowlege me so I did not stop and speak to him.  What was i supposed to say? Kate Fred . . . this is Dallas. Dallass  . . this is my visiting family from New York.  But what a moment eh. If they had only known it . . but i was determined to show Kate and Fred a pleasent time and not to bring up anything disturbing. Reality has a way of showing up though doesn’t it . . forcing it’s way into our fictions. Kate, Fred and i took some pictures . . headed down to 1st street and checked out world spice where i bought some exotic spices . . .this alone makes the trip to Seattle satisfying to me. That, and the delicious rye breads over in the Sanitation market area.

We did the tourist walk down Alaskan Boulavard and then i left them to enjoy a little time on their own  before they headed out.  We did not talk of family problems, mom and Dad stuff, or any of my  . . er . . . problems.  I talked about my work mostly and they told me about their trips and travels and it was rather fun.

By the time I reached the grey hound station however my body was breaking down. I was  so eager to get home and rest.  Everytime I coughed I peed.  I look my zzzz quil when i got home and some cough medicine and i actually feel much better this morning.

I wish i could have been at my best in Seattle, bright eyed and bushytailed the way i was in St. Cloud, instead of my dragging, peeing, bloated worst in Seattle. What must Dallas have thought i wondered when he spotted what was obviously my sister, her husband and i myself walking up to Elliot bay park, She radient, me a washed up old frump. Did he think of those days 19 years ago . . when i first approached Elliot Park in the company of himself and his brothers? Then, pictures were taken with him making the victory sign over my head. and this time, 19 years later, pictures were taken, with Kate making a victory sign over my head.

What could have happened if I had acknowleged him. Insisted on introducing everyone. It would have ‘disturbed’ Kate’s holiday for sure . . and perhaps it should have in the final analysis.  But I chose peace.  Truthfully . . . i don’t think he really gave a shit one way or the other.  It was never very personal or passionet with him the way the ‘vendetta’ as i called it was with others who high jacked it in the aftermath of the initial spotlighting event . . . including Kate.

At one point I ran into a Tibetan man in monks robe selling bracelets. He did not seem to understand English , other than ‘donation’ and communicated by signs. He showed me a book with photos of the monestary and how much people were donating to the Tibetan cause when they bought one of his bracelets. 20 bucks a bracelet . . and i had been fiddling for a 5 buck donation . . .so what the hell,I gave him 20. it’s just money.  He prayed over me.  Then he put another bracelet on my arm and wanted another 20 . I said no and dropped the bracelet and he cursed  in irratation.  He probably was not a monk. But what the hell . . I recognized by the time he asked for 20 that it was probably a con . . but it was such a clever con,and I do appreciate a clever con act  so it was worth the 20.  He deserved it.  Kate and Fred chided me for this . . . he played you they said.  As if I were too witless to recognize this.  That seems to be a popular perspective these days . . Karen was ‘played’ . . like a violin. that implies stupidity in comparison to the person making the statement . . as if they were aware and above it, incapible of being played. Not fools.

That was never the real story.  If anyone looks through my old journals it was always i who was trying to wake people up who I saw were being played ‘like violins’. It certianly was true here in Bellingham .I wrote a lot about the game being played at the street level and the criminal bargain as i called it with political and social engineering forces  . . But if it gives people comfort to believe what they believe, so be it.  that’s done now.

I have my little bracelet of prayer beads to wear as a souvenir . I made peace with all my old enimies and let everything pass into the fog of the past. I was blessed and then cursed by a Tibetan monk/charletan.  I came home peeing and whimpering but i came home. to another day.  another doughnut.

 

We toure

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





May 2017

11 05 2017

Darrell left for Montana about 3 or 4 days ago.  He simply called and said he wwas leaving with his friend Carl.  I did not hear from him untill yesterday and then the call was brief.  He said he was pushing on to South Dakota.  I gave notice at both jobs and plan to travel around the 24th. I guess that means I won’t be posting any pictures of our nature cruises . . at least not in WA.  No more of my photos documenting Darrell’s life and art. I feel really blocked out all of a sudden.  No returns on calls Ive made trying to find out what’s going on.  Something’s afoot.  I wonder what has caused this shift of mood all around.  I know ive been drinking too much since he left . . . but not crying around.  It’s pretty obvious it’s really, truly over . . . . no more arguing and getting hurt all the time . . but also no more humor, no one to fuss over or share things with.  These people here are still, after all these years, alien to me. As much as I fretted over some of the things Indian country was pulling, and problems that impacted my life I remain closer in understanding with the Sioux ( and some would debate that)  than most people here.  I do hope there is not some nefarious plot in action that I am in denial of . . or last to discover.  It seems like a lot of his Native friends pooled together to fix his car and get him out-of-town.

5-14

What a relief . . sort of.  Darrell fell off the wagon.  Made it to his rez. Got arrested for fighting and thrown in jail for a few days.  I guess its a pretty rough jail .  His brother Dallas is there too.

They are in there together. God . . . i wonder what is running through his mind right now.  Remorse??  Are his dreams of going back and taking his place and getting that house and helping is family shattered?? Is one quick stroke he is back to being homeless, drunk and criminalized.  He was sober quite a long time . . .

I too have had so much running through my mind.  I too have been feeling shattered .  I went over to his place yesterday and the emotions were too deep .  i couldnt take it I ha to leave.  Perhaps there is still time to rescue it . I have called and called his workers but since they have not called back . . . ( nor has Paul)  there is nothing i can do. Is all this planned? Did he give instructions to his people not to include me further?  At least his family was quick to track hi down when i called and quick to get on the phone and let me in on his where abouts.  The Lakota are better, really swift  that way . . . . than the rest of these assholes who insist on controlling social reality up here.

I look like hell too, like a destroyed ugly old frump.  Feeling lost and baffled.  But I feel better this morning since Curtis called, and Darrell’s cousin as well.  I guess he lost his phone charger . . that explains why no calls.

Worked all night.  Carrying on despite everything.  I have the logistics of my own journey to work out now.  Went down to d.s.h.s. and did the paperwork to get my health premiums covered again and food stamps started up for upcoming months.  Also completed all the paperwork for social security review . . . . please, please let them keep me on social security.  Im going to need it next month.  Why do i have to choose between rescuing Darrel’s place or mine when I need to travel too.  I being hit up by everyone right now  . .feels like a collective punishment . . . lawsuit, rent incease, social security review that may cancell my benifits, and now . . . . no real income for June if that social security is cancelled.  So what I am doing . . saving?  Being frugal?  Not at all. Spending selfishly on clothes and booze.  Not this week however . . . . .Feeling better, on track . .not like a deer  in the headlights watching everything crumble into disaster.

May 17

have been perusing this kind of material and want to explore it more in depth.





April 2017

4 04 2017

April 2
At last, all the trees in bloom!! Simply being alive is a joy when spring unfolds. ( April is the cruelest month?) Today will be the last day for play and housekeeping catch for a while. I have a busy schedual ahead.
Been recieving some vauge shut up or else threats lately from unexpected people, but i know the source , and it’s someone with a long standing problem so It doesn’t get to my soul.
Sometimes it seems like you cant even have a friendly conversation with dudes around here . . and they immediately go into “i’ve had enough of your . . whatever’ rampage . . . That’s O.K>
U tube keeps me company. And the peeps i work with.

April 4

Argh. Darrelll hasn’t paid his rent or power.  . He was behind so i wrote out a money order for him . . . he says he’s not going to use it.  It’s only the 4th and already everything has been spent on weed and gambling.  Enough is enough.  I know his family members are coming out and if they find his life in the toilet they will be pissed at me, but, I need to shut all doors now.  Not even a handout.

April 5th

Pay day!! I am made happy again . . it really does not take so much . . only the basics .

Darrell paid his rent and got back on track. yeeeeeeeeahhhhhhhhhh.  Alright.    I switched over to unlimited data on my tablet and put in a few apps for Darrell and let him have it for a while .  now he is in a much happier mood, watching netflicks, listening to Van Morrison, doing Facebutt, playing casino games.  Every once in a while I get a Eureka moment and solve a problem.  Then, what seemed so impossible, so insurmountable suddenly seems so easy . . why did i not think of it, why didn’t i just do this or that . . right in front of me.  The tablet will entertain him at home. God knows I loved that thing . . endless hours of u tube in the wee hours, forbidden history and archeology and all that speculative theory and conspracy menu . . .Anything was endurable, as long as I had my tablet to come home to at night.   well, I needed to take a break anyway.  It was taking precendence over my relationships, personal and social.

Time to do outdoors stuff.  Bike. Read.  Listen to music more.  Get out and photograph.

4-7

I DUNNO.  Has the odor of a false flag to me.

https://sott.net/en317361

https://t.co/uuYJEKrlPa

http://wp.me/pFTDT-4E0

4-13

The whole thing with Assad dropping chemical weapons on his own people . . . it’s like a re run of the Neo Con propaganda about Saddam Hussein.  I researched it a bit last night and some pretty credible journalists were saying it was most likely a Saudi/ Isreali action.

At anyrate, it has false flag written all over it.

Haven’t had a day off for a while now.  Tired.  Had some really fun days at work this week . . and one really awfull one.

I guess one of the stores here bought some of Darrell’s cards and he made an art deal at Tribal images as well.  Good to see him doing that again.  I remembered how we used to go around to the co ops and gift stores putting his cards out.  i was reminded of it yesterday at the Bellingham market . . .I was looking through a rack of homemade cards by local artists and recognized the work of someone I knew.  I thought back to years ago when we were doing that.  It gave me the strangest feeling.  As if who we really were had been overlain with layer apon layer of crud totally obscuring the light of what we were about. . . . our essential energy.  I did a lot once to gain him recognition as an artist.  I believed in him despite everything, even when he was down and out, even when he was spreading all that delusional rage and payback stuff. ( which became THE TRUTH and is still a reoccuring social problem)  .  It took a lot for that light to go out.  Mostly it was the social justice movements that put it out . . because they needed me to be ‘the enimy’.

I could hear the joy and excitement in his voice at these sales when he told me about his day.

I had a great afternoon sunday with Edward and our clients.  Ed and I were chatting it up non stop. I haven’t had such a good time in a long long while.

4-14-17

A few minutes.  Turned the tablet back over to Darrell after a couple of days of reclaiming it.  i get too addicted anyway.  So much to catch up on . . started listening to Icke.  Years ago he was a figure of ridicule, especially about the reptilian stuff but people are listening a bit more now with a solemn mind.

 

4-17-

Really sad today. Really sad.  Darrell had a mini siezure and almost fell into a pot of hot oil on the stove. I caught him and held him up untill he got controll and stopped shaking.  How close he came to a mjor tragety . . major 3rd degree burns.  Still he would not let me take him to the emergency room and refuses to see a doctor.  I feel his time is short, and for the rest of the evening he was the most precious to me.  But he picked a fight in the morning . . of course he said i did . . .and pushed the wrong buttons, or one button too many and i believe we are not even a limited team any more. I am really alone now, but perhaps i have been for a long, long time.  Im getting tough with people who play head games . . my folks  too.  It’s ruined my life. Confronted Dad this morning.  Everyone shedding tears this morning I bet.  I got one more person I need to shut out of my life.  Then, i can restore something of mine.  Everyone warns me that Darrell will wage a campaign . . perhaps he already is doing so  if what Im seeing is true . . .get everyone hating on me when his money is cut off.  SO i need to toughen up.  No sentimentality . . .it will weaken me. I may or may not have anything ahead of me.  But at least I will die on my own terms, not under the thumb of people playing bullshit games with me.

4-21

Some one stold all of my clothes out of the laundry room last night, all of them, even the wet ones . . . O>K>, I forgot them for a couple of hours and some one might have got pissed off and decided to ‘teach a lesson’ to who ever was holding up other’s laundry  or it could have been a specifically hostile act . . . .been picking up on some negative energy this week, even in the grocery store.  Maybe ive been sipping a bit too much wine in the evenings, since Darrell and I had arguement . . . it’s been traumatic. it tends to make me fall asleep right away . . . wow.  Its unbelievable how quickly people rush to judgement.  Like they can’t wait for a reason to ‘retaliate’ and put me down.  Fortunetly it was mostly winter clothing, sweat clothes and sweaters and a lot of socks . . and my favorite jeans darn it, we’re moving into spring now and i have plenty of spring capris and light tops to carry me over.  It began as such a restorative day too . . . I bought a bike, went for a swim, took a long bike ride after i finished with Joan,  even went to Fred Meyer and got some new jeans and shoes.  Made a good pot roast and tried to restore some communication with Darrell, he was planning on coming over . . . but I nodded off . . missed the dinner and lost my laundry too.

Saturday

Woke up to a flat tire.  Figures.  Did the market but rain and gusts shut it down for me before I could make a sale.  Good to get out though.  Spent the rest of the day cleaning up my place and making some stew.  Now i relax.  Very sad still.





March . . . to a different drummer 2017

1 03 2017

1
Checked out apartments in MN. There’s one in Paynesville that appeals to me but that’s a hike to St. Cloud. I believe my cousin lives there and she’s pretty cool. Like her spirit. She used to live with Broughta native man in Denver, now she has a lovely farm. . . checked out some apartments in wilmer at Darrell’s recommendation . . . nope. Affordable but i got the felling it was Mc laughlin just across the Mn side of the border. Might be best to just hoof over there and find an apartment when i get there, AFTER I get a job…. if i go. I am having some fun now at my jobs and I am getting good, confident at last.
Kinda hate the idea of doing MN . .
Contacted Student rentals in St. Cloud and they have 3 bedrooms available in June. Now if Darrell and i rented together and usee the third room as an arts and crafts guest room.. that a little over 300 each . Very cheap. We could have seperate rooms and seperate leases , independent lives but still combine commen activities like cooking and so on and that would be an advantage to both of us. But could we get along?? Do we want to? And could we really befriends and live independent lives?? Minneapolis is only but its toolate to do a hop and a skip away. . . . i suspect Darrell would spend a lot of his time down there. . . yes, as much as i resisted this idea i have to admit.. . it’s the best option for now.

(Later)

well they are going to cut offDarrell’spower on the 7th. He hasn’t paid his bills. . .I contacted his worker but it is too late to get assistance.I contacted his pot dealer too and told him to quite givingDarrell so much credit…he agreed.  he’s a business man but he is also Darrells friend.  Again. . . too late. So Darrell is packing to hit the road.  I am as much to blame as he . . . for not addressing this enabling, the co dependency  months ago instead of pouring out frustrations in journals . . . .should have contacted these people months ago.

without the credit from Paul,  Darrell would have had to consider medical marijuana.  Then he would have had money and yes, he does need it for pain and cataracts an d things .  i too let myself pay out and pay out and then build up resentments . . .i suppose i was afraid he would fall into worse hands if i stopped it.  Going to South Dakota may be the best things for him . . . he’s been hanging on to something that has not given much happiness for quite a while.  Ever since Rhonda left.  He will be O.K..  I have to face what my life has become and face my own role in it too . .

I should have confronted Paul months and months ago.  We ALL enabled him. Paul made a lot of money on it though. Did he at some level , need to prove, no matter how much he professed to like Darrell , that he , a white guy ,was smarter than this dumb Indian and dumb girlfriend.    In south Dakota Darrell will re gain his humor and creativity.  We will see each other again.

(later)  Feeling terrible.  Im losing it this evening.  Feel i cant take it any more.  Letting everyone down  now just when i was doin good.  Chewing on everthing.  dont know what i want.  But i feel better now . . in my own apartment.  By myself.  I just cant do anything more for people right now . . right now i hate caretaking.  last night I was rally happy with it.  yesterday i was happy to contact old friends.  Now i am feeling defensive and suspicious and coming on all mafia like.  I feel like everyone wants something from me and then they fuck with me and all the time i spend doing this takes it’s toll on my spirit . . i get fat and lose my light. Then the bug inspector gets on me again, een though i have no bugs . . she is doing inspections too now so she was in my place and found a blanket too close to the heater and threatened me with evicition shit again . . . she just HAS to keep doing this to me.  she just HAS to.

march 2

Got in a nights sleep. Locked myself away and yelled at the world till i was pooped out, but if the truth be known I haven’t really begun to yell . .. .Now that the Democrats are down and aren’t running a massive smear and psch ops ( which even my native friends understood, right from the start,  as over kill)  I ought to start at the beginning and write it all out . . . How many years was my spirit under assault . . for stuff i didn’t even do . . . to this day i still have to deal with people on a daily basis that accepted what the media called ‘truth’  . .( then bragged about how they finished the job). It was massively wrong.  Even criminal.

Can it really be that that era is finally over??s really truelly over?  That the world really does get what ive been saying about what was happening with me, and others . . .the vicious cultural Maoism that started in Madison and how extreme it got . . . the cult of liberal mockery gone viral and murderous . . . ( I called it John Stewert’s private army) the enormity of people caught up in a witch hunt . . . all that aggression.  and now, after years of being a support for Darrell under circumstances that would try a saint .. being blamed.

for it all.  Now the resistance movement in the Dakotas has collapsed.  There is no feeling of karma  . . just sadness, despite everything. Because it was, for one brief moment a hope rising from despair . . . and now, it’s even more despair . . and gathering anger.  The next chapter could get ugly.  Now America is all about power . . expanding the empire.  And we are in for a different psch op, a different witch hunt, and i fear a horrible future a head.

Saturday

I guess Darrell has an itinerary planned out . . down to Oregon for a while, then New Mexico, then, when the weather is warmer . . back to Standing rock.

It would be nice to see Oregon once again, but I don’t have anyone down there anymore.  All bridges are pretty much burned.  I see there will be a march in D.C and it looks like what was started in Standing Rock will move in a New Direction.  I saw something about reviving AIM .  I had a feeling that things would turn to bitterness and generalized anger , just judging from comments and postings of some people against privelege . . .and i was agonizing over our plans to return to the Midwest in the wake of all that . . .something no one could ever really understand.

But it looks like Darrell is striking out on his own, making his own plans.

But what about Karen.  Where does Karen go now. Stay or go.  There’s been sooooo much manufactured hatred . . . and now the only source of love, however troubled and imperfect is going.  We still love each other so much.  the things we   did once in the name of love, my god.The media got sooo much wrong.  They never understood anything . . or ever really tried. And now Niburu closes in and poof! what the hell did it all matter.

March 5

Had Darrell over for dinner and of course he was playing head games . . threatening to leave all the time, not wanting to eat . . .but I’ve turned a corner, and didn’t get hurt or angry.  I gave him a lantern.  I might get a few more . . they have some that you can crank up or plug into the car.  That way he has light.  I hate the thought of him being in the dark over there when they pull the power . . it seems like his thinking about all this is sooo magical, delusional, his case worker will swoop in tommarrow and find a way to pay the 800 dollar power bill.  Somehow he can continue to blow everything on gambling, then show up begging for money and attack me constantly and still expect me to  . . tio what? that’s what i can’t figure out?

What does he want from me besides money and occasional meals and some body to pick  on when hes lonely and looking for some one to take it out on.  Lanterns make sense right now.  and a cooler with ice packs for food.  Maybe a coleman stove and some batteries for the radio/c.d.

But maybe his social worker WILL swoop in and magically fix things.  She is asking why karen isn’t helping out.  All i ever do is help out.  She means why didn’t Karen pay on your electricity.  Do heavy cleaning in the kitchen.  Of course i am to blame.  It’s not enough.  I did remind him to pay on his bill, I even offered to match what ever he put down on it . . but of course he exploded at my nagging whnever i brought it up.  And I did clean his kitchen, practically everytime i went over.  Why do heavy cleaning and wash the ceiling and stuff if he’s going to lose his lease for failing to pay his power bill?If he’s planning to leave.  if he throws me out everytime i visit.

I will wait and see what happens.  I think the best thing he could do is begin his travels.  I want to remember other times . I feel sadness for them whenever i think of them but that was then and this is now . He still talks about us moving to Mobridge once he gets things together . . . but there’s no love fotr me there.  Im blamed for everything.  I treated him good . . .but he went out of his way to make his family , and people here feel that he was being neglected and abused , or that i was ‘easy’ when in fact during the whole of our relationship i never once ran out on him . . . .and there’s a lot of people who bought into all this, and refuse now to concider that they might have been wrong.  By orchestrating all this, He pretty much destroyed all chanches of my moving to Mobridge . . there are other reasons as well . . just as there are many reason why we could never live together in MN.

So for me, Ive decided, that is no longer an issue.  He cant move in with me again and when his power goes out, but i will give him what ever he asks for travel money.  Then, i need to think about what my parents are asking me to do . . . come home, and what that means. I feel obligated.

If he takes off on a week end I could go down to oregon with him and take the train back.  See him and Oregon one last time.  But Eugene . . . reports of Neo nazi activity there . . i mean, maybe not worth making a big deal over . . . but that takes away all the charming memories of our last time there if it’s like that . . don’t want to get caught up in THEIR conflicts and bullshit down there . . that’s their stuff, and its been going on for decades on and off.  Maybe we could just go to the coast for the day.

Monday 6th

and speaking of bills . . i didn’t get my rent check off this week end. A few minutes before work.  Bought a nice cooler for D and a few movies to watch. Movies are better than gambling.  Adrienne comes back to town tommarrow and maybe, maybe she can wave that wand and keep his power on . . . probably. I believe it is illegal to turn off the power on people who are disabled and elderly.

Trump accusing the dems of wire tapping.  What ever conclusion they arrive at mine is this; of course they did.  They did it to us.  Notoriously.  Flagrently.  The Obama administration was notorious for this . . the dems in general felt it was their right.

I know for a fact that conversation that transpired between Darrell and I , way back in 2007 were commented on by Racheal Maddow and others , i watched it. . Even John Stwert seemed to know everytime i said something uncool over the phone in a bad mood. From 20003 on, there was sort of a coded message that would be played in response to things said or written on my home computer  . . and there were plenty that GOT IT.   Its been sporadic after that, and now almost non existance and boy has that made a difference in my mentle health.

So if we were hacked,and by god knows who else . . i suspect probably CIA on and off, and people like ADL or SPL . . . mostly during the Bush years. . . . . also far left, progressives and most likely Indian activists and tribal leaders . . . if we were, and we weren’t the only ones . . . then it ‘s likely people like Trump would be too.  Now . . . it’s a scandal . . its a shock to ‘discover’ such actions. Bullshit.everyone hacks and spys on everyone.

http://www.prisonplanet.com/infowars-warned-of-government-using-microphones-to-spy-on-americans-eleven-years-ago.html

http://endoftheamericandream.com/archives/every-conspiracy-theorist-in-america-has-just-been-vindicated

March 7

Paid rent. Had quite the day with a schizophrenic client . . .They give the difficult ones to me . . .but that’s O.K. No matter what it is in my life  . . it seems like life just  gives  the diffucult ones to me.

Bought some of Darrell’s latest art works.  Ive had my head up my ass . . but head up ass or not, every once in a while it gets a Eureka moment . . .it realises where its at and how it got there and how to get out of .

I ought to buy the ‘black snake’  so far no one has.  No one is buying the prints . . . even though, you would think they would.  That’s because the black snake is THEM  . . it’s political . . and they would rather have animals or the roaring bear as a symbol of generalized rage.  Also the more emotive Darrell’s work is . . . it tends to be kind of disturbed in its technical rendering.  Also drugs . . . kind of mar what he is actually capable of .

the latest one with the two animals in a black cloud looking out on a vision of what is beautiful in nature  . . . how ever imperfect it is valuable to me. There are layers of meaning.  Instead of giving him money i will buy his originals . . . . .its a fair deal.  a good trade.

 

1-8  spy v.s. spy   . . it’s a mad world

https://jonrappoport.wordpress.com/2017/03/09/spies-tell-lies-spying-is-lying/

i really like this guy. most of the time.

 

watching Gates’s series on Africa, really interesting.  Still in Egypt.

Has Chris Mathews lost his mind?  I never have time to watch , every once in a while  but . . . asking if Trump is a Leninist because of a smile?   A Lenninist??

March 12

Adrienne did indeed pull somestrings to get a 7 day extension on Darrell’s power and arranged for him to set up a crises appointment . . in May.  So his power will remain on for a while . . still no payments however.  Donna has come back to town so now Darrell is in a good mood again . . .so now he has his pal to hang out with and that’s good.

The Co op has given me more hours with an elderly couple I cook up for and do general caretaking duties for.  JD is a craftsperson.  Her home is filled with spinning wheels, and antiques and things she has made. All her life she and her ex husband followed a Laurel’s Kitchen sort of diet . . no sugars, no fats, lots of grains and fruits.  They can climb hills better than i can by far. Have no problem with stairs or arthritis but both , in particular JD have alzhiemer’s.  JD is pretty advanced for some one in their mid 70s.   Perhaps the brain really needs those fats and sugars . . it  is, after , mostly fats.  It gives one pause . . . relections on the ironies of life . . when some one so creative can lose their faculties to such an extent .

I feel like i am in Ms. Havisham’s house.  I brought my crochetting over yesterday and took a ‘break’ , made us some tea and did a little work on a hat  hoping it would kind of rouse her a little  . . and it did. I made a huge pot of soup with barley, lentils, br rice, split peas and veggies ,  . I mean huge and when Ireturned a few hours later her husband, who lives in a cabin in the back had scarfed nearly all of it down.  it is impossible for me to understand how anyone could eat that much food . I have been told that people who do not eat much sugar of ft have to eat huge quantities of food to compensate.  . . they lassoed me into going for a walk with them and her husband was traveling at a pretty good clip, challenging the hills for a work out . . me , I lagged and wheezed, my hips were in agony after the first mile . . .so R, scarfer of huge quantities of soup shot on ahead up hill and dale and I needed to wheeze and shuffle on home.

In contrast to the legacy of the laurel’s kitchen diet, I scarfed down some homemade cookies  when i returned home. I had a sausage ( natural) and  portobella mushroom and a homemade hummas on flatbread sandwhich. Then i tossed the laundry off to the other side of the bed and made a space to lay down and fell asleep watching t.v.

3-13

Spring is in the air and the dark energy that was dragging me down hs lifted.  Darrell is in such good spirits again . . the light is in his eye this evening, the enthusiasm for projects and interaction with other artists.  I huess he met some people out on the rez who were music makers and andartists and having a good time . . he described them as really nice people.  That’s what he needed . . some friends like like, being in a circle of people who are fun , intellegent and innovative, not all fucked up or on the streets .  He was lonely .

I know how he feels.  That’s the way I used to feel when I gathered with all the artisans at chrochett corner when I sold my hats. It would fill me with enthusiam, really bring me up.   All of a sudden he is talking like the artist i used to know . . talking about trading art, trading skills, people who want to comission him to do this or that and all the projects he could do . . i have not seen this in Darrell in a long time and it is a joy.  I like to think it was my getting into action over the power  and battling the dying of the light so to speak . . . buying those laterns was perhaps symbolic as well as practical, I was trying to keep his light from going out . . .fearfull of what all that emptiness and alonness in the dark would do to his spirit . . .also, i think my buying his art work again mattered to him.  Id been ignoring it, when once i championed it. Adrienne stated that i was ridiculous.  And Darrell exploded over my nagging and pushing and swore he did not care . . . but he admitted, that it worked . . . now almost over night, Spring is here.  The birds are gathering twigs.  Camellias are starting to bloom a little,  Crocuses are springing up, and primroses.

The air smells full of earthy promise and I instinctively think of projects, of flowers to plant, of things to do.

 

March 20th

Cannot believe Trump would be so rude to Merkel.  Soon, I think, the United States will be considered so  uncivil that no one will want to come here on vacation. . . it may become  isolated .

And there seems to be the real worry about nuclear threat ,talk of pre emptive strikes in China sea.  North Korea has got some top notch scientists . . . they’re not the dummys we would like to believe they are.  All that stuff you read now and then on conspiracy pages about planned de population and the Elite creating underground cities for themselves to withstand nuclear catastrophy and rebuild ( a master society??)   . . . .thaat cold creepy chill of what if it were true . . could it really . . . starts to creep into ones thoughts.  And if there were a nuclear war . . . any kid of world war . . . .were would i want to be.  Not Texas, Phoenix, most of California . . without adequate water resources all those people would die.  And I am seriously re thinking the move to MN . . . from a catastrophy wary  frame of mind. bottom ine is I can’t trust my family based on past history . . rip everything up and put myself into their power . . . .with that long history of being thrown repeatedly in the snow bank . . . no, i will never be homeess in Minneapolis again because of petulant mommy and game playing Daddy and their silly games.  As much as i want to help my folks out in their time of need .   perhaps best to just stay where i am.

Argued with Darrell about the constant begging, the draining of all my money .  Almost shut the door on him permenently.  I really am sick of it.   From now on, People can do shit for me if they want my attention instead of the other way around.  or not.  I dont care.  I am perfectly happy by myself.

 

March 24

Not feeling as crappy as i have been this afternoon. Called in sick. As usual . . . my respitory crap . Today I rested. Watered plants. fed the birds and listened to music on Pandora  . . . so healing.  Music is Universal.  When one loves a particular piece of music one loves the totality of the soul with all its experiences , all it’s culture that created it. It is the language of love.  Too much we are tempted to think about the hate in the world. TYo ruminate on those kinds of experience instead of re centering and focusing our energy not on frustrations, but on things that make happiness and peace.  Or else our bodies or something in us MAKES that happen .

Yesterday at the D.’s place I watch J approach a deer in her abandoned garden.  The deer instinctively had no fear of her.  I photographed it.

The desolation of alzhiemers . . looking out on that abandoned garden , where her flowers and fruits used to be . . . and seeing a deer that formerly she would shoo , come to nibble without fear of her . . . like a friend . . . it was if if the deer understood her need for connection.   I gave me the idea for a short story. It was magical to watch it unfold.   I haven’t done any real writting in 20 years.

 

3-29

Only a few minutes .  I am off to work.  Guess Darrell will be staying a bit longer, his social worker has kicked into gear to keep him going here now. She thinks she can get him a spot to teach word burning . . a good idea.  Alos, he is going to put paul on his lease to lstay at his place and take care of rent when he’s gone.

I have a dislocated finger.  Hard to type. My home computer is down and there are private files there i hate to loose.  Ive been following pizza gate . . it’s NOT fake news.  I remember years and years ago when this stuff about Epstien and the Clinton came to light, implicating even people like Deshowitz ( too smart to be convicted).  I think there are “fake news’ stories that have spung up around the recent exposures . . perhaps deliberately to obcsure the mountains and ountains of evidence . . then those can be pointed at as evidence of ‘fake news’.  Heck i remember way back in the years 2000  to 2003 there were many people calling what was happening to ME as ‘demonic’ . . a younger generation does not remember that.  I certianly felt the hand of some thing quite chilling and pschopathic . . and i wrote about it too, although most of that was deleted by me simply to avoid all the fall out.  Even Darrll says yeah . . . that stuff about retraumatization to program a response ( a break down or melt down  or crazy )  It probably did happen to you .It was just a demonstration of pwoer.  To show who was god and what they could do.  i was being used to send a message, and the pschological toll was terrible.   . . a sort of experiment straight out of playbook of MKULTRA . . even back in the late 50s and early 60s there were movies being made about this sort of experimentation and retramatization . . . . . only recently however has the cabal been taken on this directly.

 

3-30

only a few minutes before work.  Everything crashing in on me . . . just when i thought we were back on a peaceful trajectory.  Dana showed up . . . and trouble and drama always follow with her like a dark cloud.  now Im totally stressed out when only minuetes before she called i was feeling pretty happy.  it is not her fault . . she got stuck and asked to crash for the night.  Seems like everything hits at once, every single person in my life fucking with me, my space, my time, my peace, my money, even my work scheduals.  No time for details.  Must do my overnight . . got to catch that bus.

 

 

 

 

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Feb 2017

6 02 2017

Feb 5

Dream
I was in a room with two twin beds. My sister Kate and a friend of hers were camped out on one side and i was asleep in the other. In the dream I was having, or rather a half dream because I knew where i was but i couldn’t fully wake up . . . .some guys took my tablet and i got upset. In this dream within a dream i was yelling at them .. give it back, give it back. i was enraged and tried to get it back. I knew i was yelling out in my sleep and that kate and her friend could hear me. Then I was awake and Kate and her friend were organizing thier day. Kate’s friend was an artist and had her sketchbook out with a incomplete cartoon that was quite masterful.. She was talking about going out to see the cultural offerings of St. Cloud, it’s landmarks and things of interest. I was thinking . . what cultural things? I had never rushed to do this.

Notes: I think what the dream is telling me is that i feel my power has been taken from me and I am upset because it is mine and it belongs to me. I am hoping that my voice will be heard even though I am , in a sense paralyzed, half awake, dreaming even though i know Im dreaming.
When I do wake up I am met by a woman who is pro active and psitive and creative. This could be an aspect of me . . or my own potential once I ‘wake up’ out of my own sense of powerless anger. This woman is not focused on the negatives, on losses or on pain or anger but on sampling the joys in life. Joys that i had not thought to see.
This is a meaningfull dream.

Februar 6

My client ME is snoring away, allowing e time to write a little.  I have an abessed tooth that is raging.  Went to the mergeny room last and got some antibiotics and peks but still in a lot of pain.  Darrell and i both went to the emergancy room last night. He had Pnuemonia and was, I believe, in a anxious state due to meth use. He called about midnight, said he had been throwing up a lot,that his throat was sore and constricted and would i take him to the hospital?  I called the beses.  Nothing running.  i alled 9-11 but he turned them away when they arrived.  We drove to the hospital and he was admitted.  There in the hospital bed i combed his hair, rubbed his back and entertained him with Lakota music on the tablet.  It seemed to me that the problem was wanting attention and he was willing to stage quite an emergency to get it from me. Too let me know he needed me.  His temper had been getting so out of bounds tha i had not tried to visit him and had deided to let it go.  This breakup did not last very long . . . .he had no anger in him throughout this little trip to the hospital, only a need, a soft spoken plea . . . . and I rethought  my feelings about him.  it seemed we fell into ’emergency’ when dissconnected . . I too had not been doing so well.  Because i was already at the ER and my abbessed tooth was causing me so much pain, I too needed some attention, some babying, and was given a shot and some antibiotics and narcotics. i was actually the sicker of the two of us. . Darrell, it turned out had pnuemonia.Not the flu and he was terribly dehydrated.  So we went to the pharmacy and got our meds and i brought him home where i could nurse him, which he accepted without complaints.  he went straight to bed, after setting up is ‘area’ the way he used to, with juices, kleenix, ash trays and so on.  I used to detox him at my house when he asked . . .it made sense.  No one could get to him or pester him there and i could baby him without a lot of effort.  So this is a day of restoration and mending.  What ever was festering in us came to the surface, it was identified, treated . . side by side in the emergency room and now we both getting out love and attention needs met. And ost imortantly there is a renewed sense of gratitude and gladness to be with each other gain at the old nest.

Feb 8 2017

Only a few minutes to write before i head out to one of my Bellingham clients. Only a few minutes after i wrote the last entry Darrell got a call from the hospital.  They wanted him to return immediately.  A cat scan had revealed something in the back of his head.  He has been complaining about a lot of pain inthe back of his head and asking me to rub it a lot, this may be part of volitile temper lately, his continual pissed offness.  A lot of physical pain.  What Darrell told me is that they said he had a ‘bubble’.  an air bubble or something. All joking about being a bubble head aside . . he must’v got that wrong.  They would have called an ambulance if that were so . . .its a stroke waiting to happen.  he must mean a growth, or nodule or something they want to look into . . not a bubble.  But there is something in his behavior that greatly disturbs me.  he is still throwing up . . and he does not have a flu virus.  There are noises he makes that i have seen in people essentially breaking down, it scares me. I work with end of life clients.    This is what i think . . . i think he was poisened.  someone gave him some meth laced with something toxic and he didnt tell the doctors in the emergency room.  They could have given him something as anecdote.  But they probably would have tried to get him into treatment.  .  He hasn’t been cramping and in muscular pain so if it was strychinine it wasn’t a lot, perhaps something else.  But it serves as a reminder, i told him, how fragile

health  really is.  he is too old for that shit. he can’t handle it. Actually . . no one can.  meth kills.  It also shows, I reminded him, that there are some people out there who do not have his best interests at heart, they will bring him down to their level. . . ive told him that, and written about his tragic inability to see this over the years so many times and at such great leanghth that I have given up on his ability to see really see this. its a tragety but what can i do.   i can only rescue him, from malicious forces, or death and destruction stuff, illness that does not need to happen   so many times . . and then it claims him.
Why he has not yet gone to the hospital is beyond me.  he keeps talking about going to rochester . . as if he had all the time in the world.  I also think there is something he is not telling me.  it may be his pancreas.

Sunday Feb 12finally relaxation day . . . I had the oppurtunity to pick up hours this weekend and really needed the money but decided i need a few dys free worse. Darrell is still sick and sleeping over at my place but gtting much better.  I made a nice dinner Friday night , but he could only eat a few bites.  Then he woke in a rage later because he was ‘starving’ . . . some kind of flash back or PTSD coming out . . . i was really afraid of getting beat up but he simmered down . . . i was upset but kept my cool.  In the morning he ate his furst full meal . . then i had a eureka moment.  We went to the pot store.  I bought some lozenges, a few capsules and one of those ‘syringes’ to squeeze out liquid pot on some yogurt or whatever. Call it enabling . . but in this case, its medicinal. He can’t eat or smoke, he’s in pain and he’s edgy . . .the liquid pot did the trick , but jeez, it’s expensive this way.  Sometimes, just sometimes, I get a good idea.  he felt good enough to shower up, and we went for a drive, took our time and watched the eagles and hawks.  It was healing.  Now he is watching a John Wayne movie.  MacIntire or something, I.And laughing his ass off as they discuss Indian problems.

2-12    Just got back from swimming and taking care of bizz. Tuckered out.  Nice to be home and have the apartment to myself, re group. I have class tomorrow.

2-25

I don’t think the sacred stone camp going up in flames was what the “Burn IT down” “Feel the Bern” crowd had in mind .

2-26

https://jonrappoport.wordpress.com/2017/02/26/trumps-war-against-the-media-continues/     I have to admit that Jon is absolutely right on this one and then some.  I’ll have more to say about it’

 

february-2017

2-27

Dream

Darrell and I were at some sort of construction site.  It was connected to this hotel and movie theater.  We had a fight and he wasn’t talking to me.

we were in separate areas separated by some plywood walls.  I was looking for a store that sold sexy stuff . . I had never been in such a store and thought I would check it out. Since i was ‘free”   However i could not find it.  I knew that such a store was nearby but i could not find it.  It seemed to lead me in a maze.  I kept running into people who had vodka.  There was this couple sitting on some lumber sharing a bottle of vodka and they offered me some.  They didn’t look like chronic homeless types . . they looked more like college professors, Noam chomsky types,  but they were non the less homeless people  so i joined them.  I didn’t really want any vodka but decided I would settle for it.

Notes:  Hmmmm . . looks like the dream is saying that i gave up looking for something romantic or playful , all the love and sex stuff and was settling for hard liquor instead, even though I didn’t really want it.  I think the dream is suggesting that I would like intellectual companionship.  Sharing a bottle of vodka with Noam could be quite fun actually . . sitting on a pile of lumber at some hotel/ movie theater/ love store complex under construction.  The separation of walls between Darrell and i might reflect a sense of divide and conquer  . . . the result of sustained political and social  tactics  .

2-27

Just waiting now for the decision from social security . . will they continue or drop it.  I am almost 62.  there is a chance they may keep it but under this administration i am expecting them to drop it . . .if they keep it, i have no worries and that frees me up to make changes in my life.  It would make re locating much, much easier  . . . I would not fear ‘being thrown in the snow bank’ to quote a common phrase from MN, if i try to return there.  They said they would let me know by March.  But what if it is April or even May before I finally find out??  I now have my credits, I’m delegated and i have my license renewal form ready to turn in . . all set in that regard.

I may have made a mistake returning to the work world.  I think i was better off just living on social security . . . i had time to take better care of myself, spiritually, emotionally and physically . . . look at all the stuff I made and sold . . . THAT was the avenue I forged to create an identity, a way of interacting with people . . .i think it was better for me, truer to myself.  I also had more time for Darrell . . . I helped him out a lot at his place and back then he was being very responsible and his place, under the combined efforts of a number of people. mostly himself,  was a nice place to hang out. at when he wasn’t drinking.   Most of the time. Everything is different now  . . . and i am most certainly not a happy lady any more.  If I still remain on social security . . . .I  might give up working and just cultivate my private life again. What little is left of it.

(Later)today started out badly.  i was awash in painful thoughts as i did some early writing.  Then off to the pool only to discover Id not packed a bathing suit.  However it got better and better as the day went on.  I worked with ME and cooked her up some treats; peanut butter cookies and tapioca pudding .. oh man did she like that.  Then i was on to a brand new client, Zetta. We got along instantly.  i don’t know if i was expecting some classist snooty old bitch  that would look me up and down , eye the rip in my jacket, the tennis shoes that were falling apart.an decide i wasn’t suitable..but Zetta was earthy and familiar and boy did she like eating.  Her son described her as ‘well nourished’ .. sort of the way i am’well nourished’ … so we got along .  Nothing wrong with this lady in the brains..it’s her body that’s given out.  I made up some chicken soup from a cooked chicken and she was impressed…i scored on my ability to make chicken soup. There is a thick blanket of snow on everything tonight.  A wonderland.  A fairyland. I’m off to bed and up early again, for another full day.