June 2015

2 06 2015

June 2

Turned my room upside down washing all bedding and spreading diatomaceous earth.  Only found one, dead bed bug and it looked like it had hemmoraged to death trying to cross the mine field of diatem. earth already there.  meanwhile a mattress showed up in the recycle room crawling with bed bugs so they are in the building again.   I feel pretty confident in diatomaceous earth to do the trick.

Still making umbrellas

June 3

Darrell took me out to lunch and in return I bought him a shirt I found on clearance for 5 bucks.  it was a 60 dollar shirt but not too many guys wear long sleeve shirts in the summer so it was off-season.

I have an appointment with Alicia tomorrow  and am undecided whether to keep it or not.  I already rescheduled once but I will miss a days work if I make the appointment this week.

Yvonne commented the other day that as far as she was concerned Darrell and I were two peas in a pod. She tried to make it sound like a cutsie kind of compliment but I know what she ment.  A couple of idiots.  But I’m not losing sleep over it.  she might be right.

So the NSA has been reigned in .  Is it more than symbolic curtailment to appease a public finally, finally upset over the degree of surveillance.

Watched the last episode of Outlander this morning, one of my favorite shows but I was terribly disturbed by the themes of breaking a soul by torture and rape. Again the theme of pain/ pleasure makes its way to t.v. . . we are a long way from the days of leave it to Beaver aren’t we. No wonder Darrell sticks to the Andy Griffith show.

Scarlett told me the other day that there is an under current to ‘warm and fuzzy’ nice  Bellingham that’s cruel.  People here like to hurt people she commented. (The serial killer thing is the tip of the ice burg of something broader, something dissociative in the culture)  Something I picked up on almost as soon as I got here.  But is it Bellingham in particular , Washingtonians in general or is it a reflection of something national?? Something that was reflected in the Bush administrations use of torture. Glen Duncan, the Scottish writer, in a book called a day and a night and a day thought so.  His book is largely about a torture session between an interrogator and terrorist subject and what goes though the subject’s  mind during these sessions.

Sort of a grand inquisitor theme set during the Bush years and after.  The dialogue between the two during breaks in the torture is fascinating.  The interrogator says at one point that Abu G. torture was not an aberration . . . but something the American people demanded. it was the tone of the time.

(http://www.wsws.org/en/articles/2015/06/05/tort-j05.html)

I think we are living in softer times now, less evil.  But it’s as if the memory of previous years is completely wiped from memory.

At any rate, I have a hard time watching programs that deal with torture as subject matter.  I don’t like it.  But for all those people who think fifty shades of grey is titillating . . you ought to watch the last episode of outlander and see what it really does to the soul.

So do I talk about any of this with Alicia? Do I confront THEM . . about the way the have convinced themselves that they were CONFRONTING me?? She couldn’t absorb it.  She still thinks it had to do with SHAME . . she’s been conditioned that way, they did a good job.  people don’t like to have their conditioning revealed to them . . no one wants to be made to feel they were shaped in a calculated way to serve an agenda or political purpose and that they were willing participants in something so very very obvious to others who were observing.

Wednesday

A few moments before i head out to do a few days of fish packaging. Salmon season.  Had fun this weekend at Winkdea foods passing out samples of smoked salmon and cream cheese on bagel chips.  My line; i’ts not really lox . . . but it’s lox-like.

Just read an article about Jeb Bush’s advocating for public shaming as a deterrent back in 1995.  He wrote a book on this then and put a policy into practice where girls who did not know the father of their baby had their sexual history published. it was later rescinded when challenged in court.

Well . . . that explains a lot of what happened during the Bush years.  Looks like those boys decided to try that on me in a big, big way.  make an example . . as did others who hijacked it .   i dont think i will every lose those images of what i saw in peoples eyes, in their faces when they got swept up in this. You don’t forget something like that.  Hard to believe that   people like Racheal Maddow could take it up after the Bush years as well,for different reasons,  it became THAT acceptable, THAT normal.

What’s scary is the thought that Jeb  could be our next president.  Funny how this family has no shame whatso ever themselves for their war crimes, for getting us into a war by decietful means. Not to mention stealing the election from Al Gore.  I guess murder and pschopathology and dishonesty are O>K> . . .girls who step out of harness are not.

Thursda Only one day doing smoked salmon and I am exhausted, m legs were so sore I could hardly walk home. And my bike broke down too.  I was so pissed I ditched it.  I am not the hardy woman I once was. I can’t withstand what I once did . . . and boy, the hardship I put my body through to keep Darrell and I afloat . . all worn out now. I guess I need that social security . . . I hope I didn’t fuck it up for myself for good by trying to work like a real person the past month.  No doubt when I come under review they will use that, as they did in the past, to prove I do not need it and cut it. There’s a good chanch the republicans will get into office and most people I talk to believe social security will be cut, especially disability. My disability was actually Darrell and the burden that put on me , the social back lash that created . . the social security gave me a little ease.  I still had to use a chunk of my time looking after Darrell . . . but I could go home and rest , stretch things out . . for the first time in many years I had my own apartment back and no worries about making rent so long as I budgeted. I think differently now than I did years ago when I had endless energy .  I think in terms of how this will affect my aging future years.  Everything I did while Darrell was running the streets and staying with me can be understood as my trying to save energy, wear and tear, grab a little rest , cut things down to esentials so I could keep going. Trying to give myself a little time to keep up on current events and do my hat thing or writting thing.  I worked some tough jobs . . . this one they say was worthkless, a piece of shit, . . . sometimes biked 6 miles to and fro work. Mostly production work . . the fish stuff was demanding, hard on my body, but I didn’t mind it as long as it wasn’t the slime line. Got to run

Friday

Really exhausted and in swollen pain in all my joints. I think I ought to get some ex rays of my feet and hips . When I went into the emergency room after my fall down the stairs they told me my toes were really full of arthritis, really bad.  I need to have that documented  so when and if my case comes under review I can use those x rays to show why I no longer can do many of the available jobs around here.  A lot of the things i used to fall back on ,like production work at trident, housekeeping in between good jobs, running a kitchen, I cannot do any more . . . this is a difficult pill to swallow.  There are women older than I, heavier than I able and tough enough to do this work every day.  It wasnt that long ago that I took my endurance for granted, that famous egerman energy.  No matter what they threw at me I always had my survival strategy.  In fact, This was true in my Minneapolis years as well.  had to.   Now I am used up . No One ever helped me much.  Or if they did, it usually came with a price tag. But all that effort that could have been used to make a nice life for myself has been drained.  Everything that i did good was used for someone else . . (and it still wasn’t good enough) it became a resource in some one elses pocket, was used for their benefit.  The social security was the only really good thing that ever happened to me. Yet, people made it sound like a disgrace  . . like i would be a better citizen if i went out and competed in the work place again.

but I could not get these girls to hustle up on the voacational rehab . . how long did they string that out, coming up with condition and after condition that i had to meet, i had to set up counseling they said so they knew ‘what they had to work with’ . . thankfully alicia had the ethics NOT to fork over our records on request.

Then, I HAD to go to treatment, and I couldn’t get that to move forward either.  How many months did they string that along with inaction despit my constant inquiries.   then when i finally got it moving and had my bags down at the bus station i find it was postponed once agin because of insurance problems.  so that means no vocational rehab? That leaves the kind of jobs i can no longer do.  I can do them .. . but at the cost of a lot of pain. it is worth that to be a ‘worthy’ citizen? Too much strain on the body affects the soul, hurts to the soul.  It is our purpos on earth to bring that soul in conciousness, to experience joy.  It is not worth being a good citizen if the oppurtunity to have some joy is taken away.

And if I get spacey, or make the smallest mistake they are going to be all over me again . . .they take their low level jobs so seriously here, it turns into hate in an instant. Never ran into that in Minneapolis or Madison. No one took mere jobs that seriously, it was just a job.  But then, there were more oppurtunites there. The arena for  social stnading was much broader, more forgiving, more oppurtunities to reinvent ones self, try again.

Also my asthma has become so constant that rules out working in food service because of the constant coughing.  Even my atempts to do demos may be in trouble if i cannot stop coughing . . and i can’t ,despite medication.

Better to be a welfare queen.  They owe it to me. I have to face the fact that I am breaking down, and at an early age. because of my hard life, and life choices in the past.

What then did i find to experience joy? what was my life like when I made efforts to experience it in some small way every day and what was i like, and my life like when I did not.

I had to learn the hard way how important it is to insist on room for joy in one’s life. Even if that was only readding a book, enjoying some sunshine, a swim, enjoying the humor of others, the insights , the discoveries, the joys that other people  share. Face book can do that, at least open a window. During times awash in negativity facebook gave me that window.  Playing strategy games also was a joy. Creating my own fantsy world in Gardns of time.  There is never a day that i don’t let myself feel some kind of ahhhhhhhh when i view the sun coming up, the mood of the bay, the vista of the mountains. Crawling into bed at night when everything is peacefull is joy. Waking up is joy.  Darrell is joy despite what i say about him having been my ‘disablity’. There were times when he drained me yes. Times when he so gravitated to the streets that it brought me no joy and a lot of wear and tear . . . this took its toll, created moods of resentment when i forgot to focus on the joy in Darrell, in Bellingham, in myself and in the greatter world . . i became tunnel visioned on obstacles, things that caused pain, but Darrel brought joy into my life too which is why i fought to protect him once. he was not going to work himself to death and become bitter . . .he was going to have some fun.he enjoyed people. he was creative. it gave me joy to see him do his art. he was full of life energy.  Life force.

When i talk about how I tried to conserve energy . . . i was thinking of how i decided it was easier on me to give Darrell the back bedroom for his own then try to care for him on the streets when i was working jobs that were phyisically demanding.

Everything was contained.  he had his ‘spot’ away from the world to rest, draw and recooperate and I could do what i needed, cooking, cleaning, errands without leaving my nest. It saved me wear and tear.   It was when he took off for the streets that this toxic energy arose . . the street people took over more and more of his life and that was up close andpersonal for me because it in turn took up more and more of my life and in turn created something in me that could turn resentfull.

I was not an intollerant bigot. I had more flexibility dealing with this than 99 percent of the people in town.  MOST women don’t want that shit in their personal livew.  They want peace.  Nice things.  Nice times with nice people.  when these things were denied me It was not good for MY mentle health.  That’s when i ‘turned’ on Darrell.

My soul was re acting to evil.  it was fighting to return to peace.  if one doesnt or cant do this conciously the soul will find a way to thrash out its distress and do it unconciously.

and that is an importnat journey . . to realize the imprtance of joy.and what happens to a person when they either do not make room for it in their lives, or focus too much on the problems of life, the wrongs to ones self, and they cease to see it or cease to see that joy in others.  that, after all is our purpose.

suday. Father’s day

What clap trap.  I have continued to work, but not at the everyday pace i was and have collected some checks.  got my violin out of hawk, bought a gift certificate for a massage for my Dad for father’s day, got kate some nice music, payed my comcast bill, got groceries . . . and was hit up for endless hir of the dog by Darrell who fell off the wagon again with the usual scene occuring.  Only this time with lice.  i had to buy the kit to treat hair and furniture.  Washed all bedding.  Afew days later all the street people were camped out over there again.  i was soo disgusted and angry but I didnt express it . . i was trying so hard to pull things together and i was so sore and tired.I didn’t even have time for a swim and it showed. 104

Worked on some hats this week too.   db85d42e-20d8-412e-82e3-f5d97abc9066 8a52fbb2-047c-4e34-9d88-c0ec038bbe5f  Now, because he brought the same old hobos back to his place the lice are back.  that’s so gross.   That is just too much.  this morning i was so angry . i can’t believe I CAN LET IT PASS . . . just because he’s recovering today and i don’t want to bring him down.  when deep down inside i want to end it all.   I have so little energy to spare for bullshit . . .you wouldn’t want to hear the progression of my thoughts.  Tommarrow I have free and i will spend iot on swimming and doing something nice .  maybe go to the lake or just out for nosh and coffee.

Today I remind myself; you are doing a good job.  you are holding it together despite the sabotage .  I am doing fine at winktea foods and enjoying chatting with all the people.  I am strenghthening the bonds I have with my own people and making them feel remembered. I am not throwing away what belongs to me.  I am on the rise. I am O.K..  I have confidence again.  I will not go down. I have options.  i can take care of myself. I am pulling nmyself out of subjegation by myself.  I am  moving away from it back to myself.  I am defining myself again.  I am doing a good job of it.

Doona is going back to Alaska soon. She took up with one of Darrell’s street pals. A mean ,drunk white guy who has a history of beating his native girlfriend.   For the weed.  She must know just how far she can use him without getting hurt .. . .she has a lot of confidence in herself.  She and Darrell make fools out of all of us.   i had thought better of her and so had Darrell.  His upset and grief over this may be what caused the breakdown.  it was more than a relapse.  it was a breakdown.  he is alone alot now, especially since i started working.  But he brought that on himself the way he treated people.  Look what he,Curtis and Donna were doing to me a few months back.  The last laugh is on me.

Well there is much happening in the world outside of the usual crap about karen and Darrell.  But i will save it for another day.

Monday A.M

I suppose like a lot of people, I am thinking about the shootings in Charleston.  I happen to find some agreement with John Rappaport that whenever there is some crazed shooter there seems to be a link with psch drugs that is rarely mentioned and never seen as the root cause of the snap.  However, it is sadly apparent that the root cause of this attack, wether psch drugs brought out the hostility or not, was white supremicist ideation.  maybe something personal . . . he was talking about how blacks rape our women . . . .happened in his life that pushed a button.   Yhere are white supremicists, and ive known one or two that were unstable and potentially dengerous . . it exists, those potential shooters.  But they are not numerous.  There is much I could write on this and it opens up a lot of thoughts but  . . . i don’t have the energy right now.

Only my own experience has shown me it is essentially a class division not a race division that is the issue . . .that high level supremicists, and our government is full of them, essentially link arms with thier seeming ‘enimies’ to protect each others power and class interests . . .intentional pverty is the result of globalism and  intentional poverty creates resentments,then racial conflicts are focused on in a classic divide and conquer.  i even saw this at work over the years in regards to Darrell and I.  WE have to seperate them . . create the problem, then step in as the cure.  i saw this over and over and over.. i saw it in Minneapolis . . startlingly at odss with the prveailing ideology.

it’s not to say that real racism does not exist.  i believe much of the hostility toward obama was sickeningly racist . . not about his policies.  I believe that the war on drugs was largely targeting people of color and creating the largest prison population in the world.  i believe that prison culture creates a permanent ‘criminal’ class who are then disenfranchised.  Especially when criminal records are used to keep people from voting.

I also know that the dems . . while professing to be the cure, less racist than conservatives . . . are often cynical in their use of isms to bring down who ever stands in the way of their agenda and what benefits them.   There are plenty of stories about the clintons actually importing cocaine.  Some even believe that Oklahoma was an inside job.  Who benifited?   it certinaly was not a lone nut ob job but a controlled demolition.  and a lot of the same names show up in Oklahoma that later show up in 9-11  and before that the youseff bombing thing.  Makes you wonder.  There are things in my life that showed all this to me and made me think the way i do. . . i didn’t start out cynical.  In my Minneapolis years and before i was as starry eyed a liberal as any . . believed in taking a moral stand . . . and i did.  My story in the years that followed is problematic to the care and training of the liberal youth.   and i realized how sociopathic real power is when it comes to protecting its own interested . . all else, is generally phoney.

I mean look at the lables the liberal elite threw at me . . . .i was scum.  i was shit. Mike Moore.  keith oberman.  Racheal Maddow.  John stewert not mention a hell of a lot of college kids.  karen is low.  Karen is a subhuman.  the vile woman.  and so on . . . creating a smear based on false narrative, and spread in a calculated fashion, congradulating themselves on finishing the ‘job’   .(

(from Alinsky’s rules for radicals

RULE 5: “Ridicule is man’s most potent weapon.” There is no defense. It’s irrational. It’s infuriating. It also works as a key pressure point to force the enemy into concessions. (Pretty crude, rude and mean, huh? They want to create anger and fear.)

 

* RULE 12: Pick the target, freeze it, personalize it, and polarize it.” Cut off the support network and isolate the target from sympathy. Go after people and not institutions; people hurt faster than institutions. (This is cruel, but very effective. Direct, personalized criticism and ridicule works.)
Be Sociable, Share!  )

that is class ism . . . and underlying racism because I hung with Darrel.  that’s because most people protect their own class, the perks of education and so on at the personal level even while championing the rights of others.  they gotta be the ones who are the cure.  Not just anybody.  Whatever personal courage or sacrifices I made for Darrell are overwirtten and unacknowlaged in the end.  it is words,not deeds that are used to define  . . and destroy people. Only some peoples words.

One could take a path down the road of history and map things all the way to Cromwell  . . . how the plantation system got started . . again, divide and counquer . . . . how the resentments were used . . . again, a classic example of how it is class, not race that was the issue. The first slavew were not black.  One could take it back further . . . and further . . .

Maybe it was something on t.v. that triggered the deranged gunman?  Only he can tell us . . if he is ever allowed to.

Thursday June 25

Today was the day we finally got hearing with the head of housing to reverse the tresspass order.  it was schedualed for 11. it is 9.  I went over to Darrell’s made breakfast and we started to head out, intending to go to the casino later.  he got his money a few days ago and ive been helping him get a few things. Today was supposed to be a good day. A really good day for us.  But he blew up because i left a sock on the floor.  Said he was sick of it all, meaning me.  he told me to just leave, to get the fuck out.  So . . we were two hours away from turning back that disriminatory tresspass order that was layed down over 10 years ago.  The one that caused us so much pain and hardship when we really did have a deep  love for each other.  Now it seems that that tresspass order really ought to stay in place, for my benefit, after all.

it seems like hate turns out to be the deeper emotion for Darrell so perhaps its for the best . . . .at least I have thsi sanctuary from harm to myself.

I guess it’s over for good.  i think he never intended to help me out a little with my finances, or even take me out to the casino  or get that car . . .two hours away from getting an audience to end that tresspass and go out and enjoy ourselves.

(Later) we reconciled and went to that meeting after all. A historic day . . the trespass was dropped for the first time in 11 or more years.  Has it been so long .  I thought both Darrell and I would break into tears.  I had trepidations this morning . . thoughts about keeping what ever boundaries I have . . but this was such a great injustice at the time, the desire to redress this was the more powerfull emotion.  Im glad we finally did this.  As it turned out non of the letters and petitions I sent to the Bellingham Housing authority over the years  ever reached Irma, the directior, until I contacted her directly. She was the one to make the overriding decision.  Erin always replied to my requests and quoted Darrell’s ‘criminal past’ as a reason for denying the petitions.  perhaps they were sent to the house detective. Irma, the director said that there had been ‘no problems’ that had occurred since the trespass . . . this is at odds with what I had been told.  Actually, there had been problems . . a no contact order, tenents reporting that I was sneaking him in, and many petty offenses related to Darrell’s drinking.  At any rate; it is over now.  it could have been over 6 or 7 years ago.  We didn’t need to live in hiding. to sneak out during the wee hours.

(old journals Sept 2004-December 27th 2005)

 

Darrell did not have to wait until late for me to fetch him in . . a long process when he was wasted.  it is over now. I feel good about this.  Like I finally did a good thing . . took effective action to end a very unfair discrimination practice that created many years of street life and misery for Darrell, not to mention the way his rage drew everyone in town into the drama.

I DO have regrets about opening up my doors at this stage when I so much have come to love my privacy. but its done now.

We went to the casino after all and I bought a big Indian blanket for my couch. sunburned.

Friday

Now begins my work weekend.  its going to be in the 90’s and i wish i could go to the lake.  will set aside time for monday.

Darrell has suddenly become quite kind and gentle.  We walked around yesterday, stopped to eat and enjoyed the footpaths before heading out to the casino.  That is something I have missed.  he says that the elimination of the tresspass order is what he really wanted . . . perhaps it symbolizes some kind of barrier to him in my world, the final barrier to what ever it is he is trying to do good or bad.  Why would i do that?? Despite what happeened recently to indicate destructive intent, backed by community. Why would i go along with this? reverse my anxieties about self protection??  Give up what i love best.  My private space where no one can violate me.

he probably won’t be hanging out much at my place.  And if he does i can always tell him to go home if i want privacy.  he has his own home so it doesnt result in community theater.  What dropping the tresspass order does is take power out of the hands of others who could invoke it to hurt either one of us  for whatever motive they may have. and in the past they have had jealous or malicious motives.  In a way, it re empowers me.   They cannot penalize Darrell or send him to jail .  i still have tenents rights and can kick him out if he’s an asshole.  i can lock my door if i sense anything nefarious going on.  But others cannot dictate our enforced seperation.  .  it also means that he can now apply for public housing through BHA at any of their properties and if he stays here, he may need that .  All their buildings have elavators and he will need that soon, if he stays here.

i suppose i still retain some hard to shake off memories of life at the nest when it was good.  It could be fun and warm, especially in the early days.  Many of darrell’s originals still hang on my walls.  Perhaps a yearning to re create that one more time . . .sentimentality is my archilles heel perhaps.   also, it means that I can do my beading and cooking and watch my own shows in the living room and let him watch the screen in the backroom without hearing a rant on how i am using up all the electricity. ive already told him i will put up with no shit about my housekeeping in MY place. ( I keep it tidy).  if he can agree to that,  it means that on food bank day i can bring the loot back to my place a few blocks away and process it and he can take back his share himself  instead of me hauling it across town and up his stairs once a week.  So, in some respects rather than giving away my power what i have actually down is equalize it . . it is neither exclusively in one  camp or the other.  When I am at his house i have to adapt to his way, his rules and when we are at my place I am in charge but not in a way that is backed up with the possiblity of criminalization.  he became tyrannical  when he became king of his castle and his castle became the only place we could be together, it made things much worse between us than they were in the past.  Now, some of the time, we can  meet if we choose, where i have some controll over how I am treated.

we will see how it works.

Monday

Did the market Saturday.  made no money but it was fun..P6260149 P6260151 P6260157Darrell gets his car today.  With his remaining money he has bought a car after all. It is andreas former car.  she just bought a new one.  I cannot remember the make but it is a hatch back with miles on it but in excellent condition and good for a long time.  i dont think he has much money left to build up his art supplies, which is what we should have done first.  Nor is there any help coming to put me nck in the red.  He is in weed heaven right now, dreaming of his trip to the Dakotas.

That will happen next month some time and it is his wish for me to go with him and live in Bismark.

Whats in Bismark? it’s not terribly different from St. Cloud or any of many Minnesota towns. The economy is good but it is cold, without the natural beauty of Western Washington.  it is fairly close to Darrells rez without actually being on the rez and that’s the logical choice if we are to remain together and he goes back for his remaining years to be close to family.  its not my decision to make for him . . but i don’t think it’s a good idea.  Familys have a way of dissapointing . they dont always match up to the nostalgic ideal we have when we have been away from them for a period of time.

Beloved grandchildren grow up and think about their friends, their love interests above all else. people fight . or snub, as was the case with my family when i went back to get to know them.

At any rate, I will be going through a lot of changes soon.  My Dad has said that the buick is mine the next time i visit them . . .a visit i had planned for July.  but without financial help from Darrell how can i do this??  it takes money for gas  to drive back.

it is one of those ironic twists that now, now when Darrell is ready to head back to his people as an elder, now. .  the cars happen.  Now, the housing issue and the tresspass issue is finally resolved and we could, if we wanted to  actually begin to really live , travel a little out here but it is to be short lived.

And if i dont want to go to Bismark?? it depends on the quality of my life here.  Most of my Bellingham experience was dominated by Darrell, with social backing . . it was a struggle, caught as i was between a rock and hard place and little choice in the matter of selg direction, self definition.  i struggled to be me, to let my self be heard and they struggled to snuff it, destroy it , enact a theater of ‘vengence’ and subordination.  Only now has this come to an end.  I am enjoying my rinky dink demo job, getting on with my supervisors. I am getting on with all kinds of people now who have finally discovered that I am not so bad . . not so defensive or angry at the world when I have a few of the basic things in life that most people need to be happy.

could i be happy here in Bellingham if i stayed??  Or am i so emotionally bound to Darrell now, both good and bad that Bismark is the best choice.  Bismark f all places . . me the adventuring bohmeian of my youth. who had tried her hand at a number of things, the cartoons under Eddy, the violin, who lived on the coast of oregon among the old beatnicks and storytellers and artists once, who had a thing for a poet fisherman, a Welsh pub owner, who ended up penniless in a welefare shelter in Minneapolis in the middle of winter, who hung out at the irish well in its hey day and wanning  days, who lived in Up town and for a while mission lodge . . who went up and down and then took off for the west once again with a band of Lakota brothers, who worked in Madison during politically intense times . . . what a lifes journey . . . and they would have you believe i was ‘contemptable’.  i was bold in my searching. sometimes reckless and self sabotaging and self destructive . .sometimes smart in my  life strategies but i was never conventional.  perhaps Darrell was the only life partner for me, despite all the quarrelling and dramas.  Now we are old . . . . but to have it all end in a whimper in Bismark?? Not Minneapolis with all its perks. Not in Standing rock with all its history (and problems) Not Some West Coast City , not even prosperous University town  of my growing up St.Cloud . . but cold, prarie wind swept middle of nothingness Bismark.  Even Fargo looks good by contrast.

I dont know.