October 2019

Its not quite October yet, but close enough. Working on my classes tonight. I’m way behind. I’m tired but want to get in one more hour.

Got some of Darrell’s art packaged and sent out. So many hours of work! Worked on prints this evening From my home computer. Made up some master copies. Tomarrow I will print on some card stock and send out.

Did some uplifting things for me too. Dyed out the grey in my hair, making me feel much younger. Bought some new clothes  from woman within that Im excited about.  And this evening I made up a vat of lentil , rice and curried chicken soup ( with coconut milk, and siracha for an extra kick) and it turned out awesome.  I had three bowls. Best soup ever.

There is much going on in the world. iran. impeachment.  I was preoccupied with all my conflicting emotions about the upcoming Darrell release from Jail and how to deal with Rory in the picture as well . Trying to work my way through that . . so I wasnt studying current events and writing on them as much as i usually do.

Much to write on. But too tired and too much to do.

9/30/19

Finished up cards and prints and sent off two boxes. Holy cow that cost me a lot of money.  But all that art belongs to Darrell, he created it and Im the only person who can get it printed and packaged. Where ever he goes he will need that.  its the best thing that came out of our involvement with each other. Glad that’s done. Now, I just have to finish up those classes later today and then Im free to enjoy myself.

Encountered some disturbing energy this evening. Guys giving me the eye and trying to hit on me when I stopped for a beer. Not in a flattering way.  Not with an style.  Just boorish ad stupid.  Do they really think  . . .can they really think Im looking for something??  I think there’s some rumor being floated . . .again.  Ruined my treat of a beer.  Shoot.  So now i cant even stop and enjoy a  beer anymore at my neighborhood tavern.

It’s all about the beer isn’t it Karen.   a joke.  Actually I dont drink much beer these days.  But i get the joke, and so i write a little bit about beer in my life.

.

Lavonne gave me a call too. That was a surprise.  Wanted some one to go to the casino with.  I hate driving all that way to go to a casino.  I hate casinos.  So i guess, now that Darrell is about to be sprung, Im back on her friend list. It wasnt long ago i was considered too toxic and unworthy to engage with.  People are always your friend when you have something they want or need.

I think it’s expected by Darrell’s family that he will come here when he gets out.  How i feel about it is unimportant.  Plus, Darrell will be mad about my not helping out Rory, who is now in Standing Rock, so the situation is really tipped against me.  I wrote to Darrell and told him I did not want to re involve myself, i wrote the letter as kindly as i could but i know its only going to be seen as fodder for . . more revenge.  perhaps Im seen as available now??   Man. what a sick, sick campaign that has been waged.

I hve to remember who i really am, be carefull not to internalize.  I was the one who spent hours and hours and hours putting together thoses cards . . . how heartless!!

9/30/19

Finished  on line classes and finally relaxing and enjoying my peaceful evening at home, making a hat.  Had fun at work today with my people. I recieved a lot of praise today, from a co worker and some of the residents.  Im considered one of the top cooks and  They like me because Im nice to my people.

One guy, that is dying of bladder cancer and struggling with some mentle confusion wakes up quite early and likes to come out and chat as i set up for breakfast.  he sounds like a bit of a rouge, a traveler and probably a lot of fun once.  He is crazy about the blueberry pancakes I make him.

After effusive praise this morning, he asked me what he could bring me in return.  Because we joke around so much, I played along with it and told hi i would like a flower. He asked me what kind of flower.

I said i would like a dahlia, or a sunflower.  What, he wanted to know,if i can’t find a flower.

“I’ll take a beer” I replied.

“What kind of beer?”

“I don’t care.  Any old kind.”

“Well . . .your standards aren’t very picky.” he commented.

later he came back and said he could not find a flower.

Then he went back to his room and returned some time later with a big, 20 ounce bottle of Hienekin hed illegally stashed in his fridge.

I was really amused.  He really HAD a beer!! And a somewhat classy one.

Of course i couldn’t accept it, it’s not allowed to give and accept gifts from clients . . but i thought we were just joking around.  Apparently, he took it literally . . . something all people who work with alzhiemers patients have to be carefull of.  It made my day however.  An admirer actually tried to find me a flower and then give me a beer . . . how funny.  Ill probably get written up with my luck.  No sense of humor.

But it sure beats the creepy energy of the previous night that left me bemoaning that i couldn’t even go out and enjoy a beer now.   Another  Beer story by karen, with levity and grace.  All about the beer.

Its good to be home tonight, feeling all tucked in, cozy .

10/2/19

Waiting for the sun to come up so i can start what will be a busy day.  Watched the first episode of “The Kingdom”  . . . a Korean miniseries, or soap opera.  I love watching historical soap operas from non European countries.  Magnificent century, about Suliman the great  and life in the Harem was a secret treat that got me through my overnights with Chalen.  I just finished ‘Marco Polo’ loosely based on the life of marco Polo at the court of Kubla Khan. And that got me through the past month.   It had all the ingredients that make Chinese Movies so dear to me, the flying martial arts, the wise teachers, the  assassins, the huge opulence, the concubines. This Korean soap Opera also begins at the imperial court with the illness of an old ruler and the ambitions of his heir. Its less opulent, but equally as cool, the women are prettier and their dress simpler and so far theres been no flying martial arts, no wise teachers, but there have been malavolent spirits.Monsters.  Explained as the projection of evil in ones heart.  In this case ambition.   In one scene, at a hospital after a war that has left peasents starving, the hospital doctor arrives with a cart carrying a fallen warrior.  Soon after all the peasents are happily eating.  And the acting is so corny.  People rubbing their tum mies and plastered with smiles.  nodding this is delicious, so good.   Some guy explains that he has caught a deer.  Then a finger is found in the soup.

Then one by one, all the people start to die. In the corniest way possible.  Gagging, twitching, all very exageratted.  They lay in heaps all over the floor.

Then after a bit they all start to come to life.  As Korean zombies.  Oh Wow, this is going to be a Korean zombe movie!! A period costume zombe flick!!

They all start moving about, zombi fashion and get the girl, this really pretty korean nurse or something, and they start clawing their way into a pyramid, like rats crawling on top of each other, at the top of the pyramid you can see her head bobbing as they eat her.

Well. What can i say.  No wonder the Chinese considered themselves culturally superior. Am i going to watch more of this soap opera, you bet.

Despite my hardline approach to Darrell and Rory plans, I sent Rory 50 bucks for gas so he could go see Darrell and get around the rez.  This may be unwise, Inconsistant and open to door to constantly being played which has annoyed me to an extreme this summer.  But its good diplomacy with Darrell getting out tomarrow.  Rory tells me I am a good Hunk Mama.  Ohh Ohh.  I need to retreat ito intollerent white bitch from hell, make myself as unattractive all around as possible.  ive been doing things wrong.  I dyed all the gray out of my hair.  Ive been softening, being nice and see what happens . . . ill have the whole rez over here, flattering me with HunkMama if I dont switch back my approach.

I had to forgo the neighborhood tavern . . maybe go someplace like the moose in the future , or the VFW in Sauk rapids or better yet, the legion, if i want a quiet beer.  We’re back to beer again . . . . Im just playing. having a romp.

Actually, my thoughts are on spiritual questions the past few days.

Question.  what spiritual lesson can be gleaned from the Korean soap opera.  (Soup opera? ) Mosters are really what is in our hearts.  So what is in peoples hearts when they pile up like rats and eat beauty?? But they were fed, without their knowlege or consent  . . .deadly soup, like fake news  . . .  They were innocent.  But once having tasted it, they became dead themselves, only wanting more and more  . . .

Watch out beautiful people. The world wants to consume you.  to eat you alive.  Be carefull who feeds you. Beware of free soup.

10/3/19

Darrell’s release has been postponed. he probably got in a tiff with some one.  I was feeling surprisingly cheerfull yesterday, singing at work, and I had a dream’  Darrell and I were walking hand in hand from the car to my house, like a couple of childhood sweethearts, past landlords who began to protest and tell us we could not be there together . . but then they stopped, because, there was nothing we were doing that was against the law , against the lease.

Mostly however, I think i was feeling cheerful, because I felt as if a spell had been lifted from me and my mind was clear again, my sense of identity returned.

Was listening to John Souza on Sarah Westall;s channel just now and while i don’t agree with everything he says, I found the interview very interesting.  Especially what he had to say about the central banks and federal reserve.  I believe he is spot on about that.

I also watched a documentary about Pine Ridge and the terrible despair there.  Whatever you can say about Obama, he did address this and did more for the Indian people than any previous president. Something Trump has not cared about at all.  Despite my cynicysim about Indian scheming . . . I have been familiar with that despair, Ive seen up close and personal how it inpacted the psychology of one particular family . . . and in my better moments, few as they are,  i consider that a honor. Depending on what I do with  that experience.How I integrate and learn from it..  I will never think like other white women around here, deep down inside, and that is what keeps me going, gives me a kind of imunity, even though i play by the rules and i understand the universal concerns for self and family..

So i weigh ideas, like those of John De Souza and my desire for some peace and personal borders in my life  against my knowlege of the real tragety that exists in the United States. . . and also my knowlege of how terrible the ‘globalist terror’ Ive described over the years really is.  How sinister and evil it really is.  And how huge.    Everyone around here does their little bit of volunteerism to help the poor and it makes them feel good, feel Christian, but amazing how that resistance, anger and disapproval  comes up when it comes to the Sioux. Because they don’t kiss anyones ass. They cant be controlled.   So they’re BAAAAAAAD. well, yes, they can be.  There are preditory aspects to all peoples, the whole culture of the united states is bullshit and predition . . .as are all empires. especially bullshit.   The illusion of people that they are the good social order . . . its an illusion. Just that.  Spirituality is not the same as social order and people here, especially Catholics get that confused.  People can be outside the social order and still be spiritually evolved.   Jesus, after all,  was outside the social order of his time.

Typed up a fresh resume last night.  Im all ready to go.  My certs are up to date.  I have some O.K>references.   I have a vehicle and insurance. What’s been stopping me for so long?? Put out a few applications last night for a night job.

10-4-19

Just got a letter from Darrell. His mind seems happy and clear, grounded’

he tells me to be happy, my man is coming home. He also says sorry about that little bullet hole in my car. What little bullet hole?? What car? He must mean his car. My old one. Well . . . he makes me laugh. That’s for sure. Never a dull moment.

I got my fleece vest from woman within and i feel all set for the winter now. Ive already got a call back on my job search.

10/6/19

Talked o Darrell video chat. He looks so tired. Like his soul has left. And his hair has so much white I am cooking up. I know there are ‘plans afoot.” I dont miss much. god, people cant even bother to conceal it . . altho they think its so secret. I feel sad.

10/10

Still no Darrell. He video chats, says he got insurance and tabs for his car and that is very good news. That way they won’t target and profile him. and it would have been worse off reservation.

Hope he got a license too. Also hoping he got Rory enrolled, tha’s the ticket for both of them . . . Rory can get a house, and his medical, dental free. Darrell can live there. He offered that package to me . . . but Im not liked over there . Unless i changed something in myself . . .if you love some one then you go anywhere for them right?? I thought that way in the past.

But i didnt have a very elderly, almost blind father in the picture then. But i was willing to battle establishment opinion, media opinion and propaganda, a campaign of abuse and so on . . the result of which is a permenently embedded abuse and ridicule here in St. Cloud. And its been heavy on my soul here but I know I had some sand in my back pocket back then, and i was younger and had a lot more energy.

Who knows what Darrell and Rory are up to . . probably partying, visiting as well as taking care of business. Why would they hurry to come here after all the blocking Ive done. Except that Darrell keeps saying hes on his way . . maybe they’re fucking with me. pay back. Well, it just ment I got in extra swimming, my house got extra put in order and i made extra food i will now have to eat. Extra fry bread, extra beans, extra tacos, extra peaches and cream . . . gee whiz.

Maybe for the best.

10-11

Off to work. Sounds like Darrell ran through all his money, gave it all to the casino and his kids. Some people just bottom up no matter what you try to do. I tried to joke it off with lavonne, about how i would have to eat all those beans and i got an earfull about how she doesnt want to hear about low lifes.

wow.

I better not try to communicate any further.

The exciting news in that i found a great yarn shop and the highlight of my day was spending a few hours browsing and picking out some gorgeous yarns. Started two hats Im really excited about.

10/12

signed up for the Art Crawl on the 18th. Excited about it. i retained enough of Darrells cards to set up a table of his work. His name is on the list of artists featured there but theres an emtiness now where Darrell and karen of Yor used to exist . . . and I am feeling this morning that I am the one that created that. I sent inconsistant messages that destroyed love . I tried to give him hope . . . and then i ssnatched it away and blocked him and Rory. He no longer cares anymore. My own fault. Was I choosing, protecting my drinking i wonder, at an unconscious level??

Watched the Trump rally in Minneapolis on t.v . The energy levels, love him or hate him, was a phenomena . . . astonished. Its so very ugly. This is what America wanted . . . not inner beauty, not the enegy of the soul.

Trump merely took what was in the inside and brought it outside.

10/13

Both Darrell and Rory called me asking for money and assistance. Darrell was loaded. rory wanted to come to St. Cloud and have me make prints for him. I politely told him i could not. And i can’t. I cant have any of his male family members over here without him, even to try to help someone in bad straits. Its almost as deadly as having people over here with him when hes loaded. His pickled obsessions and suspicions are so easily activated, and the energy that results carrys on and on and on and on . The best i can do is block it. But i cant stop the final conclusion . . . because fox right now, is explaining it all away , paving the way. The last time i tried to help out a family member, very ill with pnuemonia and put him in the hospital . . .I faced a dark mob on the streets over by the homeless drop in center. people have thier minds made up . . . they are calling LIAR and feeling rage and have vengence in thier blood as much as they did twenty years ago.

i wonder if Sherman Alexi ever realized what he set off, what genie he let out of the bottle here in MN, when in his movie ( the unedited version) smoke signals, a charecter expresses the view that white women are liars, . Its something this nation cant admit to . . yet, especially with fox explaining it all away as the TRUTH about karen. As slut shaming . . instead of a collective desire to murder, as theater. A theater that I realize now, will probably be realized soon.

i find myself thinking of Sherman Alexis books lately. The Indian killer was about a young man with an identity crises who becomes a serial killer. And if ever there was a sad story of a younge man with an identity crises it’s Rory, Darrell’s half white son. A son he recently disowned in a fight.

some day they will be able to tell the truth. The negativity in the native view of white american women in film and literature and art not so long ago trigger a sleeping mysogany that became terrifyingly open. i dealt with it daily for almost 20 years. But leave it to fox to explain it all away as . . . karens deficiency of mind, charecter, morals . . . instead of a mass pscology that got out of hand. people feeling they had the right to kill. And still do. And still discuss it.

Ive been a good person here. I think I was in WA too. I hope some day they can come to terms with this rage . . that demanded my sacrifice. And a media that knew full well what was gong on and had not one drop of integrity, but fostered this, created narratives to hide this . . . and worst of all used it politically on both sides of the aisle.

September 2019

Sept 1 2019

Feeling good this evening. Household in order. ive been garage sale browsing and found a lot of stuff for next to nothing, Now it is time to relax.

Its the first day of a 30 day diet. Fruit and soup today. I cherish these quiet evenings at home, working on the yard, planting flowers, feeding birds, catching up on the news. Non of it is noteworthy, and it doesnt matter what others may say about my life, my turbulent past, I so enjoy simply working on projects at this stage of my life. perhaps i should quit writting about the past, it only troubles me . . . and people will judge me today on things years ago in the past. This is now and my life is much different. it can be rewarding if I let it be.

Worried about Dad. He’s been complaining of chest pain and bouts of exhaustion after faint exertion.

9/3

Watched Dave Chapell’s “Sticks and Stones” on Netflix and I thought i would bust a gut, I was laughing so hard. Especially the alphabet car. Damn, there’s some good comedy out. I love Rami. Lee Camp. Harlots is not comedy, but is one of the better shows I watch. Im feeling better now than i have in a long time. I was hearing some abuse that really affected me, and i sensed that there was some kind of ‘truth about karen’ shit being fed by media again . . . but i can’t prove it, since i don’t keep up with Alphabet news on a daily basis. I kind of hate to go into the specific incidents . . . except it made me feel like crap to realize that in the final analysis i would be defined so contemptably. The ‘contempt’ card is usually played when something is getting too close to the bone, too close to awareness, it has worked historically . . . the media, it must be remembered is propaganda outlet for CIA. My Dad’s family it seems, took the liberal analysis of their

(especially msnbc) expose and destroy mission over the years at face value, as fact. I didn’t see this in them last year, but I could see it in their snickering expressions, hidden laughter this year. Its hard not to take that to heart . . to feel, yeah, i really am a crappy person.

But this morning I feel full of good energy again. Feeling positive about many things I have done, and do today.

I am trying to evaluate the upcoming Darrell situation realistically however and I have very real concerns. I have a feeling that he probably will kill me finally. A guy that is so obsessed with killing his girlfriend over the course of so many years will most often finally do it. he has nothing left to lose now. Do I?? Question: why am I not even trying to stop this now, why am I not writting that letter forbidding him access. Why am I not even bothering to talk to some one?? And Im not even his girlfriend any more much less his wife. He is trying to set up a situation where he can inflict as much hurt and pschopathology as possible. Yes, I can , when Im not clouded over with a romantic view of our story,see the appalling level of pschopathy. And the overwhelming way he conned everyone, and I mean everyone, into believing his repeating story of victimhood, his wounded feelings,at the hands of the bad woman. and St. Cloud was one of the areas that was sucked into this the most. it is fitting that it should conclude here. Let them see what they’ve done. How many times did I try to talk to someone only to encounter ‘Karen is a liar”, No one around here believes you, We all KNOW, Oh that woman makes me so mad with her endless feelings of being endangered, Karen is this, karen is nothing but that, the truth hurts doesn’t it karen. and so on . . . Im also aware that St. Cloud may be on the map for something to spark conflict, ignite a social war. The thing is, this thing got so far because nothing done to me is anything but entertainment for here.

“Thank you for providing that for us”. Even by pious , respectable church goers. They better keep going to church because they still haven’t gotten the teachings yet. Thay dont get the message instinctively so they have to be reminded.

9/4/19

Haoke or pschopath?? Darrell has too much empathy to be a true pschopath. But he was driven by some things. And he had a genius for channeling rage. Mostly rage at American white women in general. Some day the depth of all that will come out, right now its being re packaged for the conventional mind. He challenged society. He challenged me . Have I forgotten all I came to understand?

Yesterday I took a long walk home from Williams garage, where i dropped off my car, cutting across fields of waving grass. The wind was up and the grass was undulating in silver tipped waves. All kinds of prarie flowers in bloom. I found a patch of wild sage and gathered it. It gave me joy to feel the simple pleasures of field and wind and enjoy all the many flowers.

Got a lot done and stuck to my diet. Made up all kinds of dishes and snacks. And I got a full nights sleep. I wish I had the energy for all the things I want to get done but I get tired so early in the day. Feels good to be setting and meeting small goals.

9/5

There are so many interesting people and things going on here in St. Cloud . Its only a question of gravitating towards them. Started looking at Greater St. Cloud and checking out local events. Ive been missing so much . There is an artists community here that is impressive, some very good artists.

I plan to go to some block parties this week. To see a local production of Chicago. To make the Ren fest. To set up at the farmers market Saturday. Drinking as part of a obsessive compulse response to anxiety or other deep uncomfortable emotions only blinkers ones awareness of possibilities. When that is removed, the world seems so much larger and full of possibilities.

Wether finding that patch of wild sage in an uncut field was s spirtual guide post or sign or not, i chose to look at it that way . One KNOWS when the window opens. Even if others do not understand. It was a reminder of another path or approach to my fears. . . open your eyes and simply experience and what is sacred is right there. This when my anxieties about relationship , death, the future, losses, social standing and even tevil, were dark and depressed. The alternate is to practice love. Self love first. Create hope from with in instead of re acting to small mindedness, small spirit. It only makes the one reacting equally as small. . This morning i will do a little yoga before work. I struggle with constant tiredness, but I will transform what i can internally and externally.

9/8/2019

Made shish kabobs and basmati riceW/ berber seasoning for the block party last night but it was cancelled due to rain. Cooked up some decent food yesterday . . . potatoe leek soup w bacon, some stew. Will package it up and freeze . . . . . . as for the shish kabobs, guess I’ll take them to work.

Rory , Darrell’s son is off of parole now and headed to Minnesota. I do not know if he intends to stay, probably. I am back in fight, flight mode again. Not in the spirt of gathering sage in forgotten field of waving grass and prarie flower and seeking a more universal understanding.

Darrell will have his back up. My attempts at disinvolving myself from all this gansterism over they years seems to be futile. Someone like dectective Rothstien knows how inadequate Minnesota is in dealing with that.Especially here . It feels hopeless. If I deny Darrell access . . . I will be hassled in some way. Or worse. When i stopped sending money a series of bad things happened this summer . . . it wasnt serious , but it certianly hurt me . . . especially when my WA Facebook was sabotaged. Yhat was a deep, deep blow. its the cancellation of record of someones life for 17 years. Saying they didn’t exist. The smashing of the car windows didnt get to me too much. It should have wised me up though. But with Darrell trying to worm his way back into my life, and Rory coming up to Minneapolis I know that translates into a set up where anything I do that affects Darrell negatively . . . like having him arrested, kicking him out . . . will create a problem. It means I give up my personal space and ability to protect myself from energies from the hood, the criminal world. It also means that Rory will be up here to see his Dad. I know Rory is a rising star as an artist, but despite his attempt to do good and make something of his life he is still a player, still a wanna be ganster at heart from what I can see.

They way the two of them acted when they were here really burned me, Both of them bringing in so much vodka, Id spent a shit load of money on helping Darrell out over the year, letting him stay at my place in WA, trying to gett him tickets, driving here and there to rescue him, my place in WA was so abused, I was billed for hundreds of dollars of porn that Darrell watched with guys from the streets. They left meth paraphanilia. He came here without bringing any of things important to me, certian clothes items, pictures of parents and artworks on my walls. It was all lost. That aprtment reflected me, this one was is not so unique.

I drink too,( not lately. Im two weeks into my program of transforming my inner self) but any one at any store knows I usually liit myself to half pint when i drink. Not quarts and quarts.

I feel awfull that Darrell is facing such a dismal future. I really did love him.

I want to believe that is still there, the way it once was. I miss his company from those times, we had fun . . but it was so long ago, and everything went sour the past few years when my parents started to have difficulties and kept calling me home, then throwing me out. And after Mom died I decided to stay in St. Cloud to help my father a bit before he passes. Despite all. Its not going to continue . . this peacefull existance of my being his driver and ocassional cook . In a family system that treats me with distain, absolute rejection and even hatred. Which is O.K> . . . .I dont hang with them so they can feel what they want.

But if I allow myself to re involve myself with Darrell, because of out once closeness, I am opening the door to Minneapolis influence and gangsterism.

Based on the way Rory acted when he was here, i don’t really want to be around him, dont want him here. I may be slow in thier eyes, a butt head.

His kids make fun of me me and f with me all the time . . . but without social backup here Im in a real pickle. And there’s none. I dont know what they want me to be . . ive tried to be a responsible daughter, Ive managed ti put together a place to live that I like, Ive worked hard . . and that’s no small thing, moving from WA and reestablishing myself . . . still, i find myself castigated as disgusting person, looks to me like the media continues to draw on the tendencie to project here, that deep deep subconcious . . .to keep me ‘the loathed other’ to qoute Lee Camp. I think they understand the pschology of the people very well . . shit, they’ve been using it to sell products and everything else for decades, thanks to Fued’s nephew. Funny that Frueds understanding would be used for advertising and manipulation, propaganda to the extent that it was in the 20th century . . instead of actually helping people. The alphabet agencies use it . . . every government uses it . . . .its been called the Nazi method. ( by aout 15 congressmen as i recall) And it continues to work. So what can I do.

Some one I dont really know at work engaged me in personal conversation about what was going on with me, with Dad, with Darrell . . .odd because she had never engaged with me before, and she gave me her advice about my choices regarding Darrell. It was clear she felt i was soooo stupid regarding this, and she nearly blurted it out which is what women who engage me in relationship inquiry usually do . . . she she insisted that I do not let him back in my life. She insisted that I would find myself back in the same old same old with the same old results only escalated.

Rory coming to Minneapolis throws a whole different wrench into the fire. The good side is that he’s pretty smart and he could, in the best possible scenario, help Darrell find a place to live in Minneapolis. Darrell might want to be in Minneapolis if Rory was there.

However, blood is thicker than water, as they say . . not in my family obviously, but certianly in his. They back each other and if I object to Rorys coming here thats going to cast me as the villian with Darrell.

I think I am left with no option but to write that letter, and tell him he cannot come here and that I cannot see him again. It’s clear his family has no regard for me . . . Olena even commentsed, in my hearing that she wouldn’t wipe her hands on me, even the good things I did get turned around and made to seem something bad . . looking after him and promoting his artworks becomes enabling, a charecteristic of weakness . . .because Im a weak, dumb white woman. I let him ‘controll’ me.

But if i didn’t . . . holy cow there was a uproar in Bellingham. How could i be so cruel. How could i mistreat him. All those ‘mistreated’ people . . what a nightmare .

Well . . . I decided to be here in St. Cloud to be of help during my Dad’s last years . . and i don’t believe he has very many. He has chest pain. I can see his mind starting to unravel a bit . . . not bad, but i can see it. Ive already resigned myself that Im going to do this because its right, because i owe him that much fro raising me,. I also have resigned myself that i will recieve no inheritance, because so far what’s been promised over the years hasnt come through, and Dad will certianly cut me off as punishment if I re engage with Darrell. That is what historically he has always done. The older Egermans are pretty racist at the bottom level, no matter how liberal they may have become, they are still an old Bund party family at their core. But then so was every one in the 30s.

I guess i have to decide wether Darrell really feels the love he says he does, and i think he does , it shows, or wether Im just being set up, or perhaps both. And wether love is worth all that. I mean . . it’s not like any one here is ever going love me.

(Later) Yeah!!! I just talk with Rory. Yes he is here to stay . . . but in a suburb, not the hood and yes, he will Set Darrell up down there in Minneapolis!!! That takes a load off of me!! That way Darrell can come and visit but legally, we are covered, if he is not ‘residing’ here. And if he misbehaves , well then, he has a place to take off too . . . he wont be bored hanging around here, and he can do things with Rory.

I take back my reservations about Rory . . based on his partying with Darrelll here. He loves his Dad and he’ll do right. And he’s not going to do anything that lands him in prison again . . . .I think he’s had enough of that.

Darrell and Rory could really help each other in Minneapolis, both artists in a community that appreciates their art. Truthfully, I am a little territorial when he comes to being the one who fostered Darrell’s art and well being, as much as i crab about things . . . .I will miss that, we were a good team once. But i made my choices . . .and i have to live with those choices now. As sorrowfull as they make me now.

( later) back into the pit of pessimism and pissed off ism again. Up and down today. Rory asking me for money. I talk to him once and already he’s asking for money for a car . . can I believe this?? I said no. then he says he will hit Darrell up for the money. Darrell who has been sitting in jail and cant do a thing right now. It makes me so mad the way his kids take all his money. Then it all falls on me. My stomach is churning with anger and tension.

already I am feeling anger at the whole thing, I guess I will have to write that letter after all. I cannot have any further communication. It brings nothing good. Rory made an interesting statement when i spoke with him. he said he didn’t want to go into the hood because he didnt want to get shot again. “I don’t want to have to shoot some one.” This implies that he has a gun.

There must be SOMEONE I can talk to who will not resort to the temptation to name call, to label, but no one I know really . . . I cant afford a counselor, nor do I have the time.

Im going to be villianised no matter how I respond to this situation. But as long as I dont allow anyone to come here I at least have the law on my side. Not that that makes much of a difference. Any way I play it, the island of peace has come to and end.

9/9/2019

That was the P.T.S.D that got triggered . . . it will always be with me, the episodes of escalating stress and anxiety, inability to sleep, the overwhelming sense of being under threat , under the gun, of scrambling for survival stratagies , feeling no exit, it may seem exageratted and foolish to others but it comes from very real and prolonged stress and traumatization. If my thoughts seem loveless as i weigh survival issues, if i feel so uch distrust about being ‘set up’ it’s beacuse I have been set up so dreadfully in the past when i extended myself. And Darrell, it must be remembered, set up a virtual kidnapping, was driven by some murderous demons, ran a toxic smear campaign designed to destroy my social image , and the media ( mostly M.SN.B.C) covered for it and re traumatized , as a tactic over and over . . this reinforced the P.T.S.D . . and it is ment to fragment the personality. The progressives did this . . they are not saints, any less brutal or corrupt than the governmental opponents they wish to oust. What they did was criminal. Unfortunetly a conservaive media did not call this out, but is continuing the ground work that was laid down , for different reasons. Insisting this whole thing had to do with my loose and despicable moral charecter, thats what supposedly launched all that, even though I never once cheated on Darrell in the course of our relationship. neither progressives or conservatives wanted to shed light on the patterns of predations that existed and how much uglinness that triggered in people who followed the theater that played out. So, its understandable that no matter how much I am able to move beyond that ,into a happier place, that P.T.S.D . . that panic mode, the despair , the shock will always be there. I lived in a hyper vigilent state for a long long time . . .people like that shit, like to see it goin . . . .I dont know why. perhaps it makes thier choices seem wiser, theres a smugness there. the wages of sin are death and all that.

I feel that is it pretty certian the progressives will win the 2020 election, that we are headed into socialism. so many young people voting that are on that train. I know, the stuff i had to deal with in WA sprung from the idea that what is one life, one troublesome thorn, in the big picture when so many people in so many places are losing thier lives, are living in trauma. I always understood that. But dont forget how extreme thier tactics were. How extreme thier hatred became. Their death wish. What they are willing to do to a person, a troublesome thorn and how they justified it. This is the darker side of that utopian vision.

I can sympathise though with former students who are crippled by debt, and having difficulties starting families and things. And of course, Im appalled at our medical system and the way it robs people. And our endless wars of aggresion. and I do believe in climate change and disaster.

I am still having trouble sleeping, but not feeling so threatend by the arrival of rory into the picture.

got the estimate on my car repairs . . . wow. I guess that’s a lesson. But, i guess, it has to be done. The weather is getting cooler, its as wet and rainy as the maritime N.West. And as gloomy. I am headed into 3 days off . .. eager for the sun to come up so I can get to the gym and work out. Ive begun doing Yoga at last and i feel a bit more poised this evening. My sense of time sems altered. Where is all this time coming from?? it’s only 11;45 and it feels like i should be getting ready for work. I havent been drinking for a while and perhaps that is why Im feeling like the hours go by slower.

Listened to a Andrew Collins lecture this evening about the Denisovans. Interesting stuff. Bought tickets for “Chicago’. Taking Dad on Friday. Also working on a thick scarf. Have to scout out some arts and craft fairs in the morning and get working on that.

9/10

Finally got some sleep. Much to do. I made the statement “the progressives did that” . . . well, some of it . When I was in Madison, there were some shocking commercails with hidden messages that began about then . that was during the Bush/ Clinton dynasty years. Also, I’ve talked about the John Stwert’s private army .. mostly incitements to mass ridicule for saying alnything the millenial liberals found dopey. There was plenty of talk back then about ‘what the jews were doing” . . . well, thats a broad category . . . I believe we’re talking about different groups for diffferent reasons. But that’s a whole can of worms in itself . . but definetly a brazen display of corporate media power. i felt then that i was being used to send a message of fear . . . that my personal trauma had been hijacked and made to be ‘about the jews’ who suddenly became the victims and myself cast as the aggressor, any venting, even in private (where i was under survellience), was used to support this. So it became a retaliation for incorrect speech, bad cartoons, and so on. of course this made me very upset. it seemed transparent to me that i was being used to send a message . . see what can happen to you if you criticise us. And the funny thing was, I wasn’t . . . not untill I started to exerience some nasty stuff. i really didnt appreciate being labeled some kind of monster. A Neo Nazi and all that. No one close to me bought it . . . but plenty of people did.

I suspected then that the establishment did not want me to be seen as a real person with any charecter strenghths , there was a war of aggression being started around 2000 , and they needed people supporting it. It goes deeper than that . .. fears perhaps of native “inspiration” , unified populist relbellion, also i believe the democrats had to keep a disparate group of people under their umbrella, groups that were not normally in unison and my story brought that out into the open . So i had to be seen as the enimy, deserving, different , athreat to thier agenda. And they went way over the top in their use of ridicule.

It must be noted that Hollywood and our government are hardly in a position to cast puritanical stones. And the liberal city of Minneapolis had plenty of real sleaxe going on, everywhere, the large gay community there had its bars, pick up scene and hotels. And the crck problems in the hood ( Thank you Hillary and Bill) had lots of women on thier knees. Suddenly they all became oh so pure and outraged . . casting their stones at this ‘vile’ woman. I was confused in the public imagianation with Monica Lewinsky. Some of those millenials are married now, some have daughters, and i bet they dont find everything as funny as they did then.

But Ive been over all this before. It has to be resaid once in awhile . . . only to say that, when I panic and despair about having to go through “all that” again . . . .when it seems foolish or exageratted . . . . I went through some exagerated stuff . . . it wasnt ‘going a little too far.” it was deliberate strategy for very calculated reasons.

9/14

Went to see “Chicago” with Dad. Wow!! Iwas impressed with the talent. It was a real treat. I think Dad enjoyed himself as well.

Rory texted me . . wanted me to put him and his girlfriend up. Said they wanted to ‘See the Sights.”. They live in the twin cities and they want to come to S. Cloud to see the sights?? What sights.

9-15

Having asthma attacks this morning . . . bad. Boss is pissed off that i called in. I probably will get fired . . . I always lose jobs over this. For some reason i almost always begin acute attacks around 3 or 4 in the morning. Its often triggered by stress, may be a panic disorder . . or partly. Thats the P.T.S.D . It can be profound. And yes, I am feeling a profound sense of panic and threat right now. I havent had problems with asthma here in Minnesota like I did in WA. I was constantly sick in WA. And i would get very very sick. For weeks sometimes. Exposure to cleaning products and air fresheners can also trigger it. I sprayed the closet in Darrells room with febreeze a few days ago. i fell asleep last night on the bed in there . . .that was enough to trigger the asthma this morning.

I was feeling angry last night. Rory prssuring me to come up here or halp him out with money. i had to get abrupt with him. I was sooo upset. Theres no turning back now . . . my feelings are so intense that i cannot extend hospitality . Im soooo very upset right now. Doesnt matter if its reasonable or unkind or just plain assinine or chicken . . . .the feelings of threat are so overwhelming, and much of that has to do with the last time Darrell and he were here.

So i have to write tht heart wrenching letter to Darrell. And yes . . . . I will be under serious threat from here on out.

I may have to leave. I have a city picked out. My co workers are telling me I need to get orders of protection NOW. I will write that letter first.

9/21/2019

Now I am feeling terrible about what Ive done. Ive been a real bitch with Rory and now, that means Ive lost Darrell for good. There’s always two paths . . . fear and love. Extending love instead of rejection could have repaired some of the things that seem to have gone wrong with that family. It would have ment coming from a spiritual understanding of karma . . . .both Rory and Darrell are, and will be in need. But . . no, I had to be a total bitch. There is that personality in nme . . . . its a lot like my own Mom at times.

Rory is in Standing Rock now. Hes so much closer to Darrells family than I. he actively studied Lakota culture and language, respects and identifies with it. perhaps the good thing is that they can collectively discuss the futre plans of Darrell and Rory.

i feel like ive pushed everyone away now. And after years of following the Darrell Rory story, Darrell will claim that I am always trying to keep his kids away from him ( true of his other wives and girlfriends. A dangerous projection) and this will reinforce that. But perhaps Im not entirely a shit . . . Rory said and did some things the time i met him that weren’t too cool. he started off getting really bombed, scamming me for money in a food stamp deal, getting Darrell really bombed which caused him to get out of conroll, also i remember him saying to Darrell “Dad, get yourself another girlfriend” right in front of me . . . and i had to drive him to Minneapolis when i was exhausted. Also, i remember a look, in his eye when i was talking to him in the kitchen that distressed me, but i dont want to talk about it. it has to be remembered thats hes been in prison, seen alot of rape and things , hes no innocent, and if what Darrells tells me is true, even dangerous now. Darrel said something to me then that indicated he was upset with “all this underground stuff” hed discovered and that he wanted to ‘kill his young’ . . meaning he was aware of some negative scheme or energy of some sort.

So perhaps its not entirely over reaction, but i could have been nicer about it. I just know that Darrell will never forgive me now for not extanding hospitality. Its funny, that ive slowly been fixing things for Darrell’s arrival, fixing up his room, as if he is still about to come home, relax and joke around the way he once did. And then, i acted so hatefull and odious. That was a choice i made, and now i have to live with it.

9 21

Raining as if the whole wolrd was weeping. Thunder and lightening. Was going to do the market but got my house tip top, got gas, washed bedding and so on. Feels good though. Also a hair cut . I look rather like a flapper. this stylist knows how to cut wavy hair , a rarity. I think i may dye it. Never have dyed my hair before. But its getting quite grey. Fitting, since i feel like one of the dames of ‘Chicago.’. Like I just killed out of jealousy.

9/24/2019

Woke up full of energy and eager to start my day. My mind feels so much clearer. Free of the things that trigger drinking episodes. Burned some sage and got a good night’s sleep. Listening to Crowd source the truth . . . one of the better shows. I usually check out what’s on the news for a bit with Fox, Tucker Carlson just to see what’s floating. Fake or not. I listen to NPR programming as I drive, to work and about town. At night or early in the morning when I lay down I listen to u tube, variety of material ranging from acheology, history to current events.

I dreamt I was trying to get to WA with Darrell. I have this dream often, I am in Portland or someplace close to WA at some sort of stop before taking a path, unmarked that goes to WA. Sometimes it’s a school, sometimes an indoor market, in this dream it was a town. In these dreams I am trying to find this hidden path. In th dream, at the border town, Darrell did some new art work depicting Sarah, one of his street girlfriends, with massive flowing hair covering her.

Notes: The dream is a reminder that Darrell had many street connections in WA that were his real relationships, caused me to feel like a fool, they took advantage of me in a big way. I often got bugs, i was often angry when i came across it or it became too blatently exploitive. I have allowed myself to forget and remember a rather romanticised love connection, a partnership that was never that . i’ve been thinking that perhaps Rory’s going to Standing Rock and visiting Darrell will be a good thing for Darrell, it gives him a support if Rory sticks around to help Darrell when he gets out. Rory has a driver’s license for one thing. And a car. So he can get Darrell around for a while, legally, that keeps him out of trouble. I don’t know how long Darrell has to leave Standing Rock rez but hopefully he can stay there long enough to enroll Rory so he can get a house there. They could go to WA together and look after each other. Darrell can get new WA tabs on his car there, without insurance. It would be a good place for Rory to experience. Lots of fun. Better than heading into a Minneapolis winter, unless they get housing lined up. Rory could be Darrell’s protection and do the scouting for a place to live. Plus, there’s so much stuff set up for homeless people in Bellingham, its easier and cheaper to get housing and the culture there is so much more tollerent than here, except of establishment. There’s a vibrant native culture (s) there that appreciates SpottedHorse art. What i wouldn’t do to go back and walk into my old apartment again. It was much easier there for me to be casual about letting people stay with me, to give Darrell support, to weather the maritime park scene that revolved around Darrell. Not all that disappoval , no matter how hard I try, like here. Lots of alternative lifestyle there. out there , ther was some very malicious energy however, which people here simply cant comprhend . . and arent ment to. So . . . perhaps setting my boundaries last week so hard was actually the RIGHT thing to do . . since it forces Darrell and Rory to do the things they ought to do. Help each other.

9/25

Worked on cards of Darrells recent art all morning and still more to do. Will mail them to leRoy tonight. Took Dad to senior center, went for a swim and then did Dads laundry and mine. Now I begin an intense work week.

Im ready now for whatever happens, feeling much stronger, in a stronger place within. also picked up some apps for a second job . . .just for fun, one at a popular bar, the other at a meat market helpng with deer processing untill the end of the season. Well, that’s different. I was just thinking I should learn soe new skills, take some community ed classes . . knowing how to process a deer and other game is a pretty valuable skill, survivl skills are always valuable. Shoot, I could even get a job in Standing Rock if I knew how to be a meat cutter. A job anywhere . Maybe Ill take some classes. Id like to take a dance class, clogging or irish dancing. Some survival classes. also get my CNA license and move back into that line of work. Ive been so depressed as a lunch lady. Need to move and grow and find some challenge. Bar tending class . . . why not.