It’s August!! 2013

1 08 2013

Darrell's apartmentIt’s August!Went to the doc yesterday for a followup on the rash and asthma, respitory problems-. Imagine trying to give the condensed ,reader’s digest version of that weird chapter. I skipped the part about how I nearly lost my mind and went to various doctors 4 or 5 times with no result untill the bedbugs were pinpointed. I skipped alot of unbelievable stuff . . and cut straight to the happy, fairy tell ending at the Cinderella Palace of Darrell’s place . A Cinderella ending hidden among the encroaching elms.encroaching over the balcony. Blocking the apartment from view. Elms . many many untrimmed Elms in front of his windows that block the sun and make me sneeze. (That must be why they call it ELM street) I love Elms. I associate Elms with my midwestern childhood. We had a good one in the backyard and i spent many an hour playing Pocahantis v.s. the spies , or Emma Peel v.s. the boys or whatever around that Elm. Then Dutch Elm disease started killing off the Elms untill finding them healthy and flourishing became a rarety, a real treat. I feel therefore an affinity for these surviving elms that shelter and hide from the world our little retreat into paradise here.They are gathered around us like protective Saints. Even if the price is nasel drip, sneezing . .and on humid days, asthma. However i have my sturdy inhaler now . .top of the line with a hard hitting shot of abuterol like angry peeing tapir . .no half assed free rez medications off of Darrell (don’t forget the abuterol dear)with their sugestion of an aberterol puff , like a fart in your general direction. This is the real stuff.
My asthma and bronchial asthma is much, much better after a dosing of Prednisone.Now I’ll probably get steroid dementia. I never used to go to doctor’s much. If I had a cold I made my herbal teas of Mullein and what not and suffered it out. Reoccuring bronchial miseries were just something i figured were my paricular curse in life. But now I fear I have become the sort of person I used to scorn as weak . . always running to doctors for every little thing . . every little blocked airway, every little prolonged bout with massive hives,you know, little things . . a real whiner. They are getting to know me over at Interfaith now. I feel like a pet. I joke with the receptionists now like they ar old friends.
I went back to my demolished apartment at Lincoln square yesterday. yes i still have it . despite my neighbors livid attempts to have me evicted on the final two days of Darrell’s existance there. Imagine that . . we survived 10 years of hiding . . only to become the target of the pitchforked villagers on the final two days before he moved to his own home.
My apartment was barren, all the drawers pulled out. everything in airtight bags. No plants. No birds. No yarns.
No spitoons. No life . except perhaps a bug or two that might have toughed it out. Tommarrow I will go back and straighten it up. Then i will buy a air mattress. Looked into futons and beds for sale on Craigs list but I am understandably leery of used furniture . especially when i saw the chair THAT STARTED IT ALL . . was for sale on Craig’s list. The seller claimed it was donated to them and all proceeds would be used for the sufferings in Africa. yes . . I regonized that chair all right, the one I got from LOVE INC early this spring, the one that was infested, the ONE THAT STARTED IT ALL ,the one I hauled out to the back of the building for the dump last week. it had had a big sign placed on it with crude drawings of bed bugs and toxic symbols and distressed faces . . curtesy of my nieghbors . . to keep others from touching it. The chair that started it all. I could not believe that that chair was now on Craigs list raising money for the suffering Africans.Some one must have rescued it.
How had that happened?? The same maintence people that swore that I WAS THE ONE TO BLAME . . .waited nearly a month, untill a few days ago to finally treat my place for this debacle that has kept me away from my home for over a month. Then the chair that was entrusted to their disposal ends up on sale on Craig’s list ,for a nonprofit group engaged in the African causes. I swear . . .this whole saga . . the bug saga . . gets more bizarre and unbelievble by the day. it wasn’t funny. it wasn’t that funny to be the target of all that anger . . yet . . it’s funny. it’s just sooooooooooo crazy. i wonder where that chair will go next and what further outbreaks will occur now that the VERMIN have been released into the greater community of Bellingham.
Some poor student perhaps with a soft spot for leftist causes.
Well i must arise and fix breakfast. This paradisial private retreat of peace under the Elms will come to an end soon . . Darrell will be buying a ticket for his baby son to come out today. Poor Rory, caught up in the Detroit prison system . . and me, with my exhaustion, dripping nose, inhaler , unable to excersise,not exactly looking my best despite 2 months alchohol free . . .hello Rory, this is Karen . We’re going to be a family now. A good old fashioned patriarchail family unit . . . under the Elms. ah, don’t shake hands, just nod, you might get germs or bugs or something.
I have some interesting things to write about my interviews for vocational rehab. They want to put it on ice untill i get ‘couseling’ to create ‘support’.. . MORE behaviorism . . then when I am fully in their grip, spending government money on medications that are poisen (and i will refuse ). .only if i comply will they grant me the process of vocational rehab into the world or ‘regular white working people to qoute my interviewer. Ive had enough of this crap . . . .tired of being put on hold and this selective force feeding of behaviorist compliance ( I have to be resocialized after my crime of interracal relationship) I need to understand my ‘place’ if I am to rise from it rehabilitated into a productive member of my society. ME, who has worked themselves to the bone through out my life and shouldered all kinds of burdens. . And the first hing I must understand is that I must be seperated from Darrell because the worst, the absolute worst thing in the world is 0oh no . . CO DEPENDENCY!! I am a pupeteer I was told . . pulling Darrell’s strings. Without true compassion. I . yes me . . I am the one that kept him from growing . . infantalised to meet my lonely power needs . . . oh i got all that talk in Spokane . . one of the reasons i left. I was BADDDDD. How do you think HE felt, my Couselor asked me . How powerless HE felt? Hell . . . I was the only one who HAD any compassion for him when the Bellingham Housing Authority cast him on the streets 3 days before Christmas over nothing, and kept him there. I was the one who defied them and took him under my wing . . I gave this comunity his art. I kept it alive. And Darrell is no ones puppet. They don’t know much about the Hunkpapa Sioux. That’s so laughable to anyone who knows him even a little bit. Darrell does exactly whatever the hell Darrell wants. he allows himself to be controlled by no body. and i mean nobody. he is the most uncontrollable man there ever was. if anything it was me who was the puppet . . with Indian Mafia holding the strings and the media and Hollywood trying to .But i do not protest with these people. I have learned to roll with it . . .but I refuse to be some drugged up zombie. I’ll just go out and get the training I need on my own. Or just get a job and get back to work.. I haven’t noticed that pysh meds have improved the spirit, contentment, outlook and consciousness of the people who used them my old apartment complex. In fact I know a woman who just died because she quit taking her psch meds once she got started on them.
Alex Jones is right on the money when he warns about this stuff . . it seems benign at the immediate level, we are trying to help you get rational etc . . .find better coping mechanisms etc . . . but its not. Ive always known that . . and they know i know it. It’s free will they hate.
Had I not used my independent judgement when it came to taking off early in Spokane, Darrell would have lost his housing.( or is that delusional thinking? he sure like he was well on the road to losing his lease before he even got started) They were refusing me contact with him. And they said . . this is a sickness,being concerned,therefore we are refusing your telephone priveleges to Bellingham. Do they have any idea what kind of rage my taking off for Spokane created in Bellingham when Darrelll started to fail . . . . I made the right choice to return. The responsible choice . . they were the ones without compassion . . who said he needed to sink or swim. Just an illustration of how very very differently white and Indians think aout these kinds of things. Well the D has breakfast on the table now . . the smell of bacon and oatmeal entices . . . .he is making me a breakfast. This too could be what’s called karma . . Picture 007
Friday morning
It has rained, after a month of no rain at all. It’s nice and cool out.I head back to the war zone of my own stripped apartment now and begin the reconstruction. I really hope it is inhabitable now. I soo much wanted to have my own place to myself again over the years but now that I do it no longer has any feeling for me. it no longer feels like a warm and protective refuge. The thought of the world of Lincoln squar being my only reality is dismally depressing. But then . . i must make this anew beginning. New artwork on the walls. New yarns. New projects. New goals. New friends. New story.
I was feeling a little cross yesterday with the baehaviorists trying to do force fed therapy on me when i went into my much anticipated vocational rehab assesment.
All i wanted was job training so I could move in a new direction appropriate to my age and using a new set of skills. But truthfully, spokane did me some good, I payed attention this time and dug deep and did the tough confrontaion work of exposing my story to people who ordinarily mocked me. There were some important things accomplished, and i would have stayed were it not for what seemed like the importance of making certian this dream of Darrell’s and mine to get him out of the grip of the jealous, evil streets into own home and begin his retirement in peace and happiness. it was, in my mind, more important at that time.
Rory, Darrell’s tragic half Irish son will be here Monday evening.He catches the bus today. I am happy for Darrell. And more importantly Darrell is happy for Darrell . . all the meaness is gone in him, and the resentments from me. I see a happy man at last . . his dream, so long denied, of having his own home, with his own family long denied to him under his protection, has finally come true. I like being here with Darrell now. it’s like it used to be years ago . . . I did not think those days could ever be recovered, but they have. We are in tandem.
Well I must get going now. My turn to make breakfast.
two bears cuddling
Life continues to get better.
I washed all the capets at my Lincoln Square apartment with ammonia and I was happy with the results, not only are the toxic residues removed but all small remaining life forms. I sprayed EVERYTHING down with rubbing alchohol spray ioncluding myself and then bought some esence oils of scents that are known to repell critters, some eucalyptus, tea tree oil, Lavender,citronella . . also some loose cinnamon chunks for sachets in all the drawers. I washed my hair before i started with rubbing alchohol and then a shampoo of lice and critter repellent, then i added a dose of lavender essense . Thus fortified,
I felt comfportable at last returning to my own apartment.
I bought some dried mini roses and babysbreath and a few sucuulents to begin redocrating and that too had a huge pschological healing . . .reclaiming my space from the whole cloud of ‘bug’ energy . . . the smile, the confidence return again. I am so pleased with the carpet results. Today I must return and finish up . Tommarrow Rory gets here. He will be tired.

Tues august 6
Rory did not make it. They picked him up in Colorado for parole violation. So close . This has been a tragic story of missed connections since day one, the time that Darrell went out to meet his toddler and a bus ran over his foot and he didnt show. A bus!!
Buss’es seem to bring bad endings to the attempted re union of these two. How did he bring down the heat I wonder in Colorado? Was he stupid and drinking on the bus?? Did they look up his itinery on line? Had we known he was still on probation we would not have posted anything. We don’t know. Perhaps he did not understand cowboy country the way his old man would have. No Dad to school him in these things in his life. Such a sad story. Darrell was distraught and I felt so bad for him. It’s back to prison now for Rory. I feel for that young man. he would have liked it out here.
My place is almost finished now. I dropped my phone in a bucket of rug doctor and its ruined. Crap.
I am too tired tonight to write of anything deeper than the re settling of my apartment. But life continues to be good and we remain strong in ourselves.

Thursday 8-8
Got the t.v. hooked up at my place now. My breathing is good and i feel better than i have in a long while. Its sunny out and I am toying with the idea of going for a swim at Lake Padden. At last . . i enjoy my summer!! If the first part of my summer was hell. this last month is good in all respects. Darrell has not been drinking and stays home at his apartment most of the time. I usually come over circa dinner, cook up and stay untill breakfast cleanup is finished. But Im going to start staying home now more and more. Did bills today. next week i begin computer classes. Even though i know my Microsoft Word, I am going to have to start with that before i can take the others. This is great!! I can get my certificate of completion for power point, excell and stuff and put it on my resume and am one step closer to making myself employable as an old lady. I haven’t had a drink since early June and i know the course of action i chose has set by step put things into place for me. I am actually going to begin taking classes.Yippeee. I have been looking into the offerings of the technical college and see a number of things i wish to enroll in to add to my skill bank. I want to take a pastry class just for fun, and a Spanish language class and all the data entry,com[puter related stuff i can. I guess i can go about getting the financial aid without going through vocational rehab, but i might just make a couseling appointment or two to make them happy so they can shepard me through all that. Besides, if i want to keep my S.S.A. It’s probably good to have that ‘therapy’ on my record when they review it in the future.
I intend to take advantage of this period of government dole to better myself, not collapse into worriless entrophy or active alchoholism and fuck all. . Well . . i am always improving myself in some way . . look at all the things i taught myself, the home businessess . . surely Im not too old to learn Spanish. Im not great at languages. id like to learn how to do a lot of unrelated things like driving a forklift like a pro . . lots of temp jobs ask this of people and it can make a difference if i ever have to go the temp road again. Also it’s about time i buckled down and learned my basic compostion and English;also math refresher.. I think accounting would be good to know, although accounting sounds absolutely hideous . . . .it’s good to know, good to have on a resume. Some business?? marketing? The possibilities are wide open now and I am going to go for them. Hallalujah!! Darrell is in his own place and i can do these things. i can visit and travel . . . hop on down to oregon if i want. Hop on a bus and go see Chaco canyon if i want . . 9well after my schooling is over)

Up in the wee hours catching up on news. haven’t watched the talking heads in ages and Im looking forward to hearing current events tossed around again. Many thoughts these days on Snowden and Hastings and the surveillance society that is now being spoken of openly on mainstream media . . . all those years they tried to silence ME with orchestrated smear when i tried to talk about the intense surveillance I was under and how it was being used for info and propaganda ( and the worst personal smear ever when i told what was going on) . . mostly related to the liberal bid for power and the ‘John Stewert private youth army’ as i used to call them that was trained and activated prior to the election of Obama and to a lessened extent up to the present.
I will write on that later. As if i haven’t written about it enough. it’s never enough perhaps untill the magnitude of the injustice is understood.
But we have survived. My integrety hasn’t been destroyed. Or my get up and dust off and move on. Or my basic soundness. My livid neighbor did not get her way and destroyme . . although she sure came close to it and certinaly made my life hell for a while. No one in Darrell’s world has completely killed me off either . . although that’s never something to get comfortable about. and I haven’t killed myself off either .
just ran across a qoute this morning worth remembering;

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never
stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and
neither do we.” –Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 (GWB)

(later) Well he’s at it again . . . just got a call telling me not to come over for a couple of days , he ‘wanted to be himself’ , get drunk with his friends. that means that Laura woman he was fucking. My god but that is bold. Well . .i guess it’s time to go our own ways now.
Im back at my own place now , and his is set up good . . . I didnt get on with his family or his ‘crowd’ anyway and it had to be dealt with . . . better now than later when there’s a problem . Still it made my day sad all of a sudden . . . did i seriously think that things were different and he wouldn’t shit on me again?
Monday 2 a.m.
things went from very good to very bad overnight. I found out when i stayed at my own place that the bugs were still there. i couldn’t see any of them and the bites were tiny so im assuming that there were eggs that hatched after they last treatment . . no wonder . . the windows were left open, the apartment wasn’t even sealed when they treated after all the work i did. Darrell is being really cruel now, a total dick. Didn’t hear from him over the weekend . . then he calls and asks me over. Right away Laura shows up and i am shoved off to the side . . he’s calling her honey. it’s so bold! No attempt at consideration. Im supposed to accept this . . as everyone else does . . and me, who was faithfull for 17 years,got spit on for years and called every name in the book. became the target of the worst smear and hate targeting possible. i was treated, and am still treated like shit . “the truth’ . . yeah right. i got up and went home . . . Darrell asked “are you coming back.” and i said, i don’t think so, but I’ll need to get my stuff. he responded ‘O.K.” with out any remorse . . . . god, he’s so evil when he’s drinking with the Indians, at least when it comes to his attitude towards me. So now I am grieving for all the effort I put into this. And the way I was shit on.
I mean . . I can’t continue to see him if he sleeps with street women, this awfull chapter of the bed bugs is the result of that. The awfull suffering i went through! and all the rage and scapegoating that was directed at me as the result of the bed bugs i contracted. Now i can’t stay at his house and i can’t really stay at mine unless I want to be bitten up. i can stay there during the day . . . . . Ill have to stay at the mission, or the Y.W.C.A
So it’s all over now. Hard to believe anyone could be so selfish . . but perhaps its for the best. I don’t have to be in so much pain all the time.

Starting classes today!! Only Microsoft Word, which I already know well but its a prerequisite for all the others. I may pick up a few things. Like an idiot I went over to Darrell’s last night to collect some things . . no words, he was wiped out from drinking so i tidied up a little. That Laura had left her bloody tampon in the middle of Darrell’s tub. disqusting!! another one of her calling cards . . for me i suppose. i can’t belive this is what he prefers. I put some chicken in the crock pot and then went to sleep, i was tired . About 4 in the morning Laura showed up, not even a HI how are you . .an ackowlegement, just marched in like she was living there now, which apparently she is. .
I finished my chicken soup in silence as Darrell came out and started chatting, then I gathered my stuff and gave them both a piece of my mind. I told them they both deserved each other. I brought up the disqusting tampon in the tub and this is what your trading me in for?? You fuck these pigs and I have to suffer because you bring back bugs and stuff. You dont even have the courtesy to say my woman is here now. I told them I wasn’t going to stick around and shit on by the street drunks.
Jesus, I could pull the plug on the cable service that i am paying for, and the internet . . I really can’t believe that Darrell could act like this to me, and he has done some rotten stuff.
Well Im out of the picture . .no apologies will bring me back this time . . i hope Darrell has a good time introducing his new girlfrined to Rhonda and his son Rory when they come out. Well . . i certianly wasn’t good enough.They made that clear.
Let Rhonda clean up the messes.dead white bunny

(later) spent the afternoon in class. I thought I knew word pretty good but obviously there’s a lot I need to update. had fun with the Marvus typing tutorials too . . or whatever they are called. I am going to go in on my free time and practice so i can touch type again . Get a certificate. This ought to have been a day when i am feeling very good instead of so very, very sad. I don’t understand why he flipped over like that and went into anger mode . . .just out of the blue. I just don’t understand it. he could have said . . . lets just be friends, I need to have fun with people who understand me but I still value you . . he could have said something like that without trying to hard to inflict unessesary pain. Was this supposed to be pay back for the trip to Spokane? In a way it is . . . had i not left him at the crucial moment when he needed to me to help him into transition he would never have gotten a headstart on getting involved with that Laura woman. Shes the long time old lady of one of his old firends too . . in and out of jail a lot, and drunk a lot too . . but i suppose they understand the world of the street people, and I didn’t hang with Darrell when he went out there . . that was his real life,his public life, and those people know so much more about him than i do. And I suppose since they are both Indian there’s things they share that we didn’t . . I have a feeling that having fun with drinking friends is going to get old when it’s his own place . Maybe not. i was just going through all the pics I put together last year . . what a project!! i wanted to put them into my space, now that ive gotten used to the format, but I want to add older pics to the stream and you can’t re order them . . .put them at the beginning of the photo stream and if I add old photos that will be what people see if they browse our pages and they wont get around to scrolling back to the recent artwork and projects. Gotta keep that stuff current so I had to keep the older photos in ‘private’mixes , off of the photo stream. what a shame. I am going to miss working on Darrell’s computer . . .i could listen to music.
It hurts me so bad to see all that creativity, all those pics that i digitalised and printed and saved in albums especially pics of us goofing around together, . . and too realize that when I began to present this to the world there was such a backlash designed to disempower me and pry Darrell out of my ‘controll’ . . .what was good was made to seem bad. No . . people wanted rage, anger, blame attacks . . that’s what they wanted from me. Something to look down on. Not dignity. Not streanghth. Not creativity. they6 wanted to kill the bugs right? That’s what i got back. and a dirty tampon in Darrell’s tub.
then . . that says a lot about THEM doesn’t it.

Off to do the market. 2 new Alpaca hats. Discovered baby alpaca which is relativly cheap for alpaca and the colors are so rich!!
finished up my seminars in word. Next week it is excell. Obviously I am not using spell check . . later, I’ll go through.
Weird dreams last night.

Dream: episode 200,000.000 ” Parking in Byzantium”
I was In Byzantium. It was like a travel show, but had something to do with spies and intrique. I was exploring the Haga Sofia. Then Hank , Marie and Walter from breaking bad showed up. I got in the car with Walter and let him drive. We were all worried that he wouldn’t be able to drive and he was crabby and insisted that He could do it just fime. He managed to get into a tight parking space ass first just fine , rather impressively, but did not put on the brakes and immediately started to slide down an embankment on the rear of the parking space toward a creek below. i kept screaming to Walt to put on the breaks but he did not seem concerned and the car landed into the creek, or river or whatever. I immediately jumped out of the car before it could flood and ran up the hill to Hank and Marie. The car did not flood. it turned out to be a creek. not a river
notes. wEll i guess it isn’t too hard to figure out who walter White is in this dream. The driving and parking lesson is Darrell’s move to his own apartment. The backwards slide into the creek is his binge. Hank and Marie and probably his social workers. Bzyantium . . that is America. Or American government.

More dreams. I was visiting my Mom in eugen, where she lived. She was ina wheel chair and became very tired so i took her home. I went to a restuarant with a bar. My sister Lynn was sitting at the bar. she didn’t even look like Lynn. She was haggard and aged and showed the signs of heavy alchohol use. She started on a tirade of resentments . . about having had to take care of Mom and how i hadn’t been there, and bad stuff that had happened in her marriage and all kinds of things . . . not one good word. Then she walked away and i was feeling guilty and thought maybe i should do something nice for her, buy her lunch but i ouldnt find her.

Well Darrell and I had that talk . . the ‘let’s just be friends’ talk. We both agreed to it. I couldn’t go back after what happened. Not if i had a shred of pride. But this way we can still keep a connection of some kind. I AM NOT the one responsible for IT ALL. The one who created all this trouble, who ‘pulled all this shit’ . . . . that’s not acceptable. i told him so. Also that I knew i was partly responsible for the Laura chapter because i ha just left him alone so often. But then . . . .he hadn’t wanted me hanging around while he partied out on the streets all night long, and when he came back he was always bombed . . so we hadn’t been real partners for a long time. Still . . . . the bond of the heart is powerfull. he was my love good and bad. And once our love was so strong, and we were so tight that nothing the world threw at us could break it. But life goes on.

A productive day. Had a great time at the Saturday market over the week end and things are going amiacbly now. I saw my former co worker Owen at the market and he looked so frail and pale. He came down with bladder cancer and then had to go in for further surgery when something went wrong. It is frightening to think of cancer striking someone so fast and so seriously, some one who was so hale and fun to have a beer with after work. he said that he had applied for s.s.a over a year ago and still has not hear their decision. . .he has been living on less than 200 a month. I fear his life will drain away while he waits for them to award him s.s.a . . so crazy. some one like Owen, a working stiff ( a smart and informed one) cannot get shit while he is so very ill, possibly dying, and others can get a decision snap . . like Darrell and myself. The reason they hustled up my case was because i went for the mentle health angle instead of the physical. They WANT that and will expedite anyone who lays it down and gives up on mentle health grounds. They like to have a group of people who through ‘therapy’ and so on provide the inside dirt on a lot of goings on among people. also, once you do the mentle health gig they can say and do what ever they want with a person and nothing that person says has any credibility. Owen says he knows all about all this . . .and he just might play the depression angle so he can hustle things up and . . unsaid words . . die in some comfort and ease.
Actually, it makes me mad. Some people can spend thousands of government money on booze and crack,with no consequence for their behaviours and get everything they want . .and others, who have busted their butts all their lives can’t get anything . . unless they bow down and plead mentle health incompetancy. I hate to sound like FOX but somethimes . . well,to qoute a popular saying . . it’s enough to make you vote republican. Actually when that kind of thing goes to far it’s enough to make people do more than vote republican.
I guess the truth is . . the world does not reward the honest, good worker,it rewards the most clever and cunning . . that’s where the soviet experiment got it wrong.
My rent will go up in October and i won’t have anything to live on. End of Honeymoon. Either I make the hat thing work, and really invest everything in that . . or just starve and go to school for a while to upgrade my skills,and take care of my health and medical while i have the gov funds untill I go back to work. Or . . go over to labor ready and pick berries for a few days here and there and hope that it doesn’t jepordise my s.s.a . . . or just go over to Trident and re apply, they like me there, and fuck the s.s.a. Everything comes with a price tag . . there’s no free ride. I have absolutely no aptitude for selling drugs so that’s out of the question . . a joke. I could always get my certification as a caretaker and get paid for looking after Darrell, who is getting more and more disabled and housebound every day. Fortunetly i have a lot of inner resources and can keep my soul and mind and spirit active on nothing without too much pain. I wasn’t happier when I got my windfall, if anything I was so hurt by Dana’s stab in the back that everything I did was off, senseless and compulsive.

It is nice to sleep in my own apartment now. Bug free and booze free, trauma and stress free at last. no street energies here. Quiet, simplified and clean from top to bottom. Had mashed parsnips and taters with buttermilk and butter for dinner with some fresh brean beans. I must have 40 yogurt cups in the fridge for snacking. I spent 4 hours in class yeterday in Excell. I thought it might be a bit boring but it’s actually fun. I have to do my first spread sheet tommarrow so I’ll be there early to do homework. Im having no problems picking this stuff up. sleepy now.
also applied for some part time work and training in caregiving down in Mt. Vernon.

Got my certificate in excell yesterday. We didn’t get into charts and graphs however . . darn it. Next week, power point. That should be fun.
Have been reading up on the Syrian situation . . . Im confused.
Obama has a potential scandal on the back burner because he was sending money to the muslim brotherhood, and the Egyptian military agreed to hush this up . . but now the military and the brotherhood are in conflict. ? i got Syria and Egypt confused . . Syria is where we are blaming Assad for the use of chemical weapons, sort of like iraq, as a reason for war. Again looks like another false flag.
Feeling depressed . . but not taking that drink.I need to excercise and i haven’t the fees for YMCA. I feel like shit.
Lonesome as hell too. Went to A.A today but I don’t feel connectd to that group at all, no trust because of previous attitudes. I know there are other groups but they are hard to get to.
i guess that Laura has been saying she’s going to hit me when she see’s me. Most women would get upset when other women lay claim to their man . . oh, i forgot, he wasn’t my man . . he was everyone’s man and i was too dumb to realize it . . . .me, who had to be ‘punished’ for 17 years because of ‘what she did’ . . even announced by the media. If this was back on his rez he would have had a knife stuck in him .he’s lucky Im not violent. That’s how people get killed. What;s strange is that he keeps doing it, deliberately . . and then goes on a rage about ME, and all these hatefull people back him up. i can’t think of any woman who wouldn’t be hurt and angry over this . . but ‘we all know’ that Im such an asshole. We just HAVE to put her in her place.
Today is the market.

Dad sent me a little money. I plan to go to MN this fall while my folks are still o.k. Mom is having so many problems these days. Im starting to see the signs of alzheimers too, and that can progress rapidly in some people. I treated myself to some yarn and will be busy all of next week getting some new stuff together. I have lots of beading to do too. Im still getting bites however . .. I need to get a letter from the doctor stating that i need to be removed from a toxic environment to a differnt apartment for health reasons.The housing authorities have got to do this or i can take it to CLEAR for legal advice and action. after all, they do it for other tenents. it’s toxic in more than health ways . . last week someone put a swastiche on Yose’s door. he too is moving. lots of people are moving . . they cite the backbiting gossip and the hatefull ‘toxicity’of Lincoln square. . yet they all continue to talk about each other. I don’t give a crap any longer.
I gave Yose my hydroxidine for his nerves untill he could score some valium or something. He hasn’g been shaving and looks like hell. Now i wish I had some of that hydroxidine.Now is that the way someone in recovery should be acting ?? Handing out pills for a quick mood fix.
had a good day yesterday. Got out into the sun and did a lot of window shopping and thrift store browsing. Got a nice shirt for a dollar and a bunch of cool yarns for next to nothing.
Darrel is trying to get me to spend time at his place and being affectionet . . .like nothing happened. I made him some fry bread and brought over groceries from the food bank but I am holding my ground with us being friends now. There is much to write about but im just skimming the surface or everyday things tonight. I am going to stop writting about Darrell altogether. it’s harmfull.Even if it is all true and more.
It isnt nessesary that anyone know my business or his at this point . . and it is not right that negative accounts should be in the public domain. True . . hardly anyone reads this but I can’t be upset with Yvonne for blasting all Lakota men on my FB status for the world to see if i do something similar.
If I don’t like what Darrell does in our private life then it’s up to me to do something about it,end of story . instead of whining endlessly. Besides, he is beginning a new independent chapter. And the message i have been given is . . I am no longer a part of this story. The thing is . . I still am, or at lest he is still wanting to keep me close. I WAS the one who supported him as an artist out here over the years. if people cherish his artwork nad know his reputation it’s largely because of all the effort I put into making it so.
another good day at home, although nothing to write home about. Worked in my garden. Cooked up some buffallo chicken and Tabouli with red quinoe. Relaxing, watching my history programs and crochetting away. Very tired and waiting for breaking bad to start.
I guess Yose is being accused of harrasing a women a women here, being threatening according to her account, which she took to housing. The word she used was ‘terrorized’. he shook a fist at her and muttered something I guess. Not surprising, she is a dominating woman . . and his personality is quite strong too. Not only being terrorized but a terrorist too in his own right! I don’t think having a fist raised and a few words muttered quite compares to the ‘terrorism’ of the mob action during the bug scandal but this lady says that she has been ‘mobbed’ by disapproval all week.
it seems that everyone is taking turns being terrorist or terror victim . . .it’s not funny though. it really is awfull. pathetic. Oh . . i heard that Yose was terrorizing my birds while I was away too. Darrell would never do that to the birdies . . but he sure terorized the hell out of my cat. Once he even planted cat poop on my carpet so that i would’punish’ my cat. what a sad lot we have become. Oh crap . . . i promised I would not write about you know who in a bad way. I must be terrorizing him.

Monday, August 26
I found a good woman’s meeting and another gal here and myself plan to go there tonight. Exactly what I need,an a.a. meeting where I feel trust and can process stuff, and good support.
Feeling good this morning in mind and soul. Not picking sides in the Yose v.s Leslie dispute. I don’t know what really happened and I like both of them. I shouldn’t be satirical about people . . but people were thowing the word terrorism around like a bunch of school kids. Now the swastiche on the door . . . THAT IS a form of real terrorism. No one knows who the culprit is. Not leslie.

I guess ‘ it’s ON again,’ so I hear . . and it’s FOR REAL. (It wasn’t before?) at least that’s the word . . .so who am I in trouble with now I wonder . Idle no more? Did I make a grave mistake in saying hello, being friendly to some one, trying to have a conversation? Im so tired of always being in trouble. Even when I’m not someone always sets me up to bring me in again. I could write about an incident or two and but I won’t.
it is easy to say . . stay out of negative situations, involvements, away from negative thoughts and people . . . .but things happen, and anger happens and sometimes negative stuff just imposes itself on you . . . the trick is to learn how to process it in a way that doesn’t feed it.
Darrell and I are getting along very well now. I can forgive , and I forgive a lot. all the time.
But I am going to protect my peace of mind at all costs now, and I am not going to get drawn into drinking situations. I don’t HAVE to deal with it. I can just lock it out. I like using my mind. Feeling my perceptions clear more and more. I don’t need to apologize for my choices or lifestyle. if Darrell’s circle think Im a sissy nerd , or an asshole who cares. so be it. I’m feeling happy and don’t want to be miserable the way I was ever again.
( later)
There was a bomb scare at Lincoln square this afternoon. Or so some one thought, and called the bomb squad when they found a piece of pipe that had something sticking out of it in the recycle room. I arrived at Lincoln square to find everyone outside joking that the pipe bomb was really a Bong, not a bomb. Does it get more ridiculous than this?? WE are calling it :THE BONG SCARE.

The Bong scare . . good god, can you believe that? Feeling depressed this morning..the BHA management decided not to revoke Darrell’s 2004 tresspassing order, based on his ‘past behaviours’ even though he has been approved for housing by BHA. Makes no sense. Another tenent told me jealousy was the key issue. Im dealing with a lot of pain inflicted by jealous people, especially jealous women right now . it seems to be a constant .i don’t want to go into it however. . .I know, WHY would i even want to have him over for visits. Because of the light. I can’t work and he can’t do artwork at his place, too dark. Artists have to have good light. natural light.
On the good side. I watched a program of Lucian Frued yesterday that made my day. he is one of my favorite painters, and reminds me so much of Jack Wennstrom .freud


jack used to always talk about painting exactly what you see.
Where i wonder could i find reproductions? don’t need them . . . I’ll just make my own.
i brought a flat door over to Darrell’s along with a couple of saw horses for a art table and I hope that he will start working again soon. But It’s so dark over at his place, I can’t do my stuff there. Just have to bring in a bunch of lamps. OK for reading but not for art.
Started my classes in power point, which is indeed a lot of fun. i can come up with one hell of a marketing slide show when Im finished. In fact, that is my assingment the next couple of days. I have to come up with a slide show about me and present it to the class. Im going to be a busy girl.
I called the temp agency about doing some work when classes end . . . i know this jepordizes my S.S.A but i have to get money one way or the other . i didn’t pay bills last month because of the priority of getting Darrell settled in his place and the deconstruction and resonstruction of my apartmnent, which wasn’t comepletely effective. it is however much, much better . . all i have to do is look at the pictures i took of my legs and arms back in June.

Fridayaugust 30
We teeter on the brink of war. I am one of those people who believe it is the worst of all possible ideas to attack Syria. I think it would provoke Hezzbollah and Iran who threaten to attack Isreal if the United States ‘punishes’ Assad. They wont kill Assad any way. Here’s a thought . . maybe Isreal
( and CIA? ) is looking for a reason to bomb Iran’s nuclear facilities and are setting this up to set a chain reaction in motion. . What a scarey situation!
It turns my stomach to listen to the self righteous propaganda about punishing Assad for using C.W on his own people when everyone in the know knows how much our government does stuff, as part of ‘the greater objective’ to it’s own people. They play up to that punishing bloodlust in American culture, that ‘enough is enough’ parental model that has gone so insane the past decades.
Worked on my project all day yesterday. Have to finish it up by 1.30. I had a lot of fun putting in the animations and sounds. I took old pics of Darrell modeling my hats, removed the background and had him fly in slowly behind the other hats and pop out behind them to a burst of applause every couple of slides. Just a bit of whimsy. If I had time I would browse through Wikipedia commens for sounds to download and really do something silly but I have to wrap this up. A lady in my class said she would let me download office suite for free today on my home computer. all right!! fingers crossed!! office suite is outrageously expensive to buy. the things I could do if I had it!! and a printer too. I might get a printer for Darrell as a gift . . they aren’t too expensive, and then he could print off his own cards and prints. Yes, I think that is a really good idea.