Feb 2017

6 02 2017

Feb 5

Dream
I was in a room with two twin beds. My sister Kate and a friend of hers were camped out on one side and i was asleep in the other. In the dream I was having, or rather a half dream because I knew where i was but i couldn’t fully wake up . . . .some guys took my tablet and i got upset. In this dream within a dream i was yelling at them .. give it back, give it back. i was enraged and tried to get it back. I knew i was yelling out in my sleep and that kate and her friend could hear me. Then I was awake and Kate and her friend were organizing thier day. Kate’s friend was an artist and had her sketchbook out with a incomplete cartoon that was quite masterful.. She was talking about going out to see the cultural offerings of St. Cloud, it’s landmarks and things of interest. I was thinking . . what cultural things? I had never rushed to do this.

Notes: I think what the dream is telling me is that i feel my power has been taken from me and I am upset because it is mine and it belongs to me. I am hoping that my voice will be heard even though I am , in a sense paralyzed, half awake, dreaming even though i know Im dreaming.
When I do wake up I am met by a woman who is pro active and psitive and creative. This could be an aspect of me . . or my own potential once I ‘wake up’ out of my own sense of powerless anger. This woman is not focused on the negatives, on losses or on pain or anger but on sampling the joys in life. Joys that i had not thought to see.
This is a meaningfull dream.

Februar 6

My client ME is snoring away, allowing e time to write a little.  I have an abessed tooth that is raging.  Went to the mergeny room last and got some antibiotics and peks but still in a lot of pain.  Darrell and i both went to the emergancy room last night. He had Pnuemonia and was, I believe, in a anxious state due to meth use. He called about midnight, said he had been throwing up a lot,that his throat was sore and constricted and would i take him to the hospital?  I called the beses.  Nothing running.  i alled 9-11 but he turned them away when they arrived.  We drove to the hospital and he was admitted.  There in the hospital bed i combed his hair, rubbed his back and entertained him with Lakota music on the tablet.  It seemed to me that the problem was wanting attention and he was willing to stage quite an emergency to get it from me. Too let me know he needed me.  His temper had been getting so out of bounds tha i had not tried to visit him and had deided to let it go.  This breakup did not last very long . . . .he had no anger in him throughout this little trip to the hospital, only a need, a soft spoken plea . . . . and I rethought  my feelings about him.  it seemed we fell into ’emergency’ when dissconnected . . I too had not been doing so well.  Because i was already at the ER and my abbessed tooth was causing me so much pain, I too needed some attention, some babying, and was given a shot and some antibiotics and narcotics. i was actually the sicker of the two of us. . Darrell, it turned out had pnuemonia.Not the flu and he was terribly dehydrated.  So we went to the pharmacy and got our meds and i brought him home where i could nurse him, which he accepted without complaints.  he went straight to bed, after setting up is ‘area’ the way he used to, with juices, kleenix, ash trays and so on.  I used to detox him at my house when he asked . . .it made sense.  No one could get to him or pester him there and i could baby him without a lot of effort.  So this is a day of restoration and mending.  What ever was festering in us came to the surface, it was identified, treated . . side by side in the emergency room and now we both getting out love and attention needs met. And ost imortantly there is a renewed sense of gratitude and gladness to be with each other gain at the old nest.

Feb 8 2017

Only a few minutes to write before i head out to one of my Bellingham clients. Only a few minutes after i wrote the last entry Darrell got a call from the hospital.  They wanted him to return immediately.  A cat scan had revealed something in the back of his head.  He has been complaining about a lot of pain inthe back of his head and asking me to rub it a lot, this may be part of volitile temper lately, his continual pissed offness.  A lot of physical pain.  What Darrell told me is that they said he had a ‘bubble’.  an air bubble or something. All joking about being a bubble head aside . . he must’v got that wrong.  They would have called an ambulance if that were so . . .its a stroke waiting to happen.  he must mean a growth, or nodule or something they want to look into . . not a bubble.  But there is something in his behavior that greatly disturbs me.  he is still throwing up . . and he does not have a flu virus.  There are noises he makes that i have seen in people essentially breaking down, it scares me. I work with end of life clients.    This is what i think . . . i think he was poisened.  someone gave him some meth laced with something toxic and he didnt tell the doctors in the emergency room.  They could have given him something as anecdote.  But they probably would have tried to get him into treatment.  .  He hasn’t been cramping and in muscular pain so if it was strychinine it wasn’t a lot, perhaps something else.  But it serves as a reminder, i told him, how fragile

health  really is.  he is too old for that shit. he can’t handle it. Actually . . no one can.  meth kills.  It also shows, I reminded him, that there are some people out there who do not have his best interests at heart, they will bring him down to their level. . . ive told him that, and written about his tragic inability to see this over the years so many times and at such great leanghth that I have given up on his ability to see really see this. its a tragety but what can i do.   i can only rescue him, from malicious forces, or death and destruction stuff, illness that does not need to happen   so many times . . and then it claims him.
Why he has not yet gone to the hospital is beyond me.  he keeps talking about going to rochester . . as if he had all the time in the world.  I also think there is something he is not telling me.  it may be his pancreas.

Sunday Feb 12finally relaxation day . . . I had the oppurtunity to pick up hours this weekend and really needed the money but decided i need a few dys free worse. Darrell is still sick and sleeping over at my place but gtting much better.  I made a nice dinner Friday night , but he could only eat a few bites.  Then he woke in a rage later because he was ‘starving’ . . . some kind of flash back or PTSD coming out . . . i was really afraid of getting beat up but he simmered down . . . i was upset but kept my cool.  In the morning he ate his furst full meal . . then i had a eureka moment.  We went to the pot store.  I bought some lozenges, a few capsules and one of those ‘syringes’ to squeeze out liquid pot on some yogurt or whatever. Call it enabling . . but in this case, its medicinal. He can’t eat or smoke, he’s in pain and he’s edgy . . .the liquid pot did the trick , but jeez, it’s expensive this way.  Sometimes, just sometimes, I get a good idea.  he felt good enough to shower up, and we went for a drive, took our time and watched the eagles and hawks.  It was healing.  Now he is watching a John Wayne movie.  MacIntire or something, I.And laughing his ass off as they discuss Indian problems.

2-12    Just got back from swimming and taking care of bizz. Tuckered out.  Nice to be home and have the apartment to myself, re group. I have class tomorrow.

2-25

I don’t think the sacred stone camp going up in flames was what the “Burn IT down” “Feel the Bern” crowd had in mind .

2-26

https://jonrappoport.wordpress.com/2017/02/26/trumps-war-against-the-media-continues/     I have to admit that Jon is absolutely right on this one and then some.  I’ll have more to say about it’

 

february-2017

2-27

Dream

Darrell and I were at some sort of construction site.  It was connected to this hotel and movie theater.  We had a fight and he wasn’t talking to me.

we were in separate areas separated by some plywood walls.  I was looking for a store that sold sexy stuff . . I had never been in such a store and thought I would check it out. Since i was ‘free”   However i could not find it.  I knew that such a store was nearby but i could not find it.  It seemed to lead me in a maze.  I kept running into people who had vodka.  There was this couple sitting on some lumber sharing a bottle of vodka and they offered me some.  They didn’t look like chronic homeless types . . they looked more like college professors, Noam chomsky types,  but they were non the less homeless people  so i joined them.  I didn’t really want any vodka but decided I would settle for it.

Notes:  Hmmmm . . looks like the dream is saying that i gave up looking for something romantic or playful , all the love and sex stuff and was settling for hard liquor instead, even though I didn’t really want it.  I think the dream is suggesting that I would like intellectual companionship.  Sharing a bottle of vodka with Noam could be quite fun actually . . sitting on a pile of lumber at some hotel/ movie theater/ love store complex under construction.  The separation of walls between Darrell and i might reflect a sense of divide and conquer  . . . the result of sustained political and social  tactics  .

2-27

Just waiting now for the decision from social security . . will they continue or drop it.  I am almost 62.  there is a chance they may keep it but under this administration i am expecting them to drop it . . .if they keep it, i have no worries and that frees me up to make changes in my life.  It would make re locating much, much easier  . . . I would not fear ‘being thrown in the snow bank’ to quote a common phrase from MN, if i try to return there.  They said they would let me know by March.  But what if it is April or even May before I finally find out??  I now have my credits, I’m delegated and i have my license renewal form ready to turn in . . all set in that regard.

I may have made a mistake returning to the work world.  I think i was better off just living on social security . . . i had time to take better care of myself, spiritually, emotionally and physically . . . look at all the stuff I made and sold . . . THAT was the avenue I forged to create an identity, a way of interacting with people . . .i think it was better for me, truer to myself.  I also had more time for Darrell . . . I helped him out a lot at his place and back then he was being very responsible and his place, under the combined efforts of a number of people. mostly himself,  was a nice place to hang out. at when he wasn’t drinking.   Most of the time. Everything is different now  . . . and i am most certainly not a happy lady any more.  If I still remain on social security . . . .I  might give up working and just cultivate my private life again. What little is left of it.

(Later)today started out badly.  i was awash in painful thoughts as i did some early writing.  Then off to the pool only to discover Id not packed a bathing suit.  However it got better and better as the day went on.  I worked with ME and cooked her up some treats; peanut butter cookies and tapioca pudding .. oh man did she like that.  Then i was on to a brand new client, Zetta. We got along instantly.  i don’t know if i was expecting some classist snooty old bitch  that would look me up and down , eye the rip in my jacket, the tennis shoes that were falling apart.an decide i wasn’t suitable..but Zetta was earthy and familiar and boy did she like eating.  Her son described her as ‘well nourished’ .. sort of the way i am’well nourished’ … so we got along .  Nothing wrong with this lady in the brains..it’s her body that’s given out.  I made up some chicken soup from a cooked chicken and she was impressed…i scored on my ability to make chicken soup. There is a thick blanket of snow on everything tonight.  A wonderland.  A fairyland. I’m off to bed and up early again, for another full day.

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