Sleepy. Snoozing before getting up. All is good
Monday
All is shit. The car broke down in Kwik trip parking lot. Gear shift is stuck in reverse. Towed car to garage and awaiting results. Will it live or die.
Made a detour to the food bank footing it home and found a treasure of colorful tops my size. As well as great produce and cheesecake.
Darrell and I went to the fair and he bought me a lovely serape. He’s been so
Much more appreciative lately, he gave me a big chunk of money to help with court fines too. Dad too, so I’m good, at last, leagal Lu.
Kwik trip is a brand new new experience for me, Im learning the kitchen this weekend, cranking out endless fried chicken. Next week I learn sand which station. It’s been a trip alright, especially working the registers … not easy, but I’ve learned a lot about lotto, lottery, cigarettes, swishers and snuff.
There’s a lot of thoughts and stories I could share but no time.
The crew I was with in the kitchen this weekend was very woke … but so alive, so witty and funny… god, I didn’t realize what a Debby downer I’d become.
I’m enjoying things s lot more. Went to the fair, hit up the quarries, tried to get canoeing but my shoulder got worse.
Got food stamps… that’s great. And insurance is only a step away. If I get that insurance I’ll be very happy
Tues
Got the insurance. The car will cost me almost 500 to fix. Debbie downer moment.
Many thoughts on the invasion of Trumps home in Florida.
For twenty years I’ve been talking about the illegality of how democrat invasion of my home impacted me. ( it was obvious that I was survellied through t.v. I’d say something to darrell and some response would occur, a talking point in barely concealed code on tv satire news or commercial and darrell ‘got it’ too). NOW Tucker Carlson is taking issue with this dictatorial illegality against Trump. Like Trumpor hate him, it sets a precedent, as it did with me …everyone else is next. This shit has been going on for too long,
Wanted to talk about Alex Jones too. Another like him or hate him , they are destroying him.
Many many investigative journalists question the Sandy Hook narrative, including Ole Dammegaurd, a very sweet gentleman. But Alex Jones’d abrasiveness did him in at last.
https://www.bitchute.com/embed/0VsliTOdmKdT/
How many millions could I have gotten if I had been able to sue for defamation??? Citing intentional emotional distress, harassment and defamation??? How many years have I accused the dems of deliberate character assasination?? I’ve talked a lot about it. It wasn’t a minor thing, yet most people treat it as if it were, as if it were ‘ a little too far, something I should get over.
We’d
Day off. Went for a stroll w Darrell and stopped at Lincoln depot for breakfast. Tonight … chicken enchiladas. Going to relax today, for a change, crochet. Watch movies
I know I gotta personalize everything.
Saturday
Ready to start Kwik trip. So st the end of my adult journey I am back where I started, fast food in St Cloud. What does that acceptance of such a environmental lack of concousness say about me?? Have I lost all the energy and insights I gained in my journeys w Darrell?? Where’s that fighting spirit??
I suffered greatly when I first came here from WA. Despite all the testing, As much crap as I took there I really had something in my private world. We talk a lot about the levels of consciousness then… and now.
Did I let myself accept social definitions here too much? Did it get in my bones?? Has the old Karen been so eliminated, and so I became acceptable at last.
Saturday
Darrell back in St Paul. It feels good to be by myself for another 3 weeks or so , although it was a non stressful visit. He’s been spending a bit too much time here, because we were so desperately broke and then he got his 4000. So he splurged on weed here.
He helped me out a lot too. Gave me a thou. Bought me a shawl. Paid for my stupid car , when it broke doen. Today he looked angry , discouraged and depressed. realized fucked a lot away and done nothing.
Ahh now he knows how it feels.
Missed the bluegrass fest this weekend but riding back from the twin cities with Bela Fleck And Edger Meyers on the speakers is the best
Things are heating up. More people are so much more aware of this. I’m not sure the problem is worse now than it was 20 years ago, but there’s less denial.
I experienced first hand what can happen when one tries to reveal the pervasiveness of evils like this. they went to extremes to protect the rings in Minneapolis,
I know it is time now to write out what really happened, I have a
Much better perspective now than I did 20 years ago when Hollywood ( not so far fetched, mark afterall came from a big Hollywood family and I didn’t paint the best picture in my Eugene journal, which is what started the media fuckery with me)and the government kept me repeatedly traumatized and fragmented when I spoke out in Bellingham indirectly and often in a state screwy with heavy drinking.
To listen to the outrage in Maxs last broadcast, and that man in Sustralia it’s easy to forget that most men supported the dehumanizing of me in a public way. They doubled over in laughter every time the media said something derouragatory and so did many women …and the worse the vicarious fantasy the more they liked it. It was, as I discovered, an commen fantasy. Yo have total domination of another, and do what they want and get away with it. There was so much pedo porn in Seattle, and not just by ugly old men. Many were young hip executive looking, as in Minneapolis.
Well I don’t want to start my day on this theme. My supervisor gave me a compliment yesterday, describing me as amicable and conversant .
Aw shucks.
Motels in Seattle all had porn channels with pedo porn. And it was on demand t.v too.
But it’s good that men are identifying with thier best impulses more these days.
Saturday
Not much to write on. Did a lot of yard work and seem to have become very addicted to Klondike computer game and my household has suffered
Bought Dad an audio book, booze and roses for his birthday
Last year I bought underwear and socks, sewed an apron. I think he appreciated the
Booze and roses better.
Lazy day. Watched surviving prison, an older but very good documentary. Read how to fight a bear and win. and then switched to a Lex Friedman interview with Jorden what’s his name.
There must be a profound vacume of intelligent discourse in my everyday life that alternative radio fills. There was a time when my friends and I got into constant deep discussions, now I listen to ( dis) favored others kick it around. People would be surprised at the programming I watch and listen to. Lately I’ve been exploring the roots of Christianity, especially dr Tabors lectures.
Tues 20
Still sleepy and tired, although I rested and did nothing but watch documentaries after work, went to bed early, did not drink and ate healthy, a dinner of smoked fish, pomegranate, mango juice and pistachios.
Tired and hurting all the time. Have been drinking too much on my free days alone, and sometimes a no at night but it’s fogging my reasoning and retention so I knocked it off. Dreamt alit last night. Mel Brooks was in the dream, sort of a visiting lecturer, our town was in the Klondike and I worked at a place that slaughtered turkeys and chickens inhumanly.
We’d
Enjoying watching the sun come up and taking my time in the quiet of my place. All kinds of daily projects ahead. Make borscht, swim, visit dad, play the fiddle and yoga.
Wed night.
Hell of a day. Darrell was hospitalized with another heart attack. He was Drinking too much …Elders Lodge called me. He fell down. Couldn’t get up. Was in one of his dark drinking spells.
I’d planned to go visit today but was so tired and didn’t want to babysit, and I was kind of pissed that he couldn’t let me be a while.
Then I felt guilty for stalling when I heard what happened. But sort of glad the drama didn’t land on my head as it has historically.
Now I’m worried. But not rushing to rescue. Maybe it’s his time. If not, it’s his own decision that brought this on.
Still … that’s my buddy, frustrating as he has been and I still love him
Thurs
Have to do Kwik Trip in a few minutes. Woke up crying. My house is cleaned. Laundry done. Did my swim and some much needed yoga stretches, so I look better, feel more ok, took Dad out for dinner , did as they say…. Took care of myself first.
I should be in St Paul.
LeRoy says don’t keep rescuing him. Either way , he’ll get the job done.
What?? He could die. These are not rescue
Situations based on some intro to psych theory about co dependency, and everything else. This is about an old man who had a heart attack who is going through all kinds of antics because he knows he is nearing his time.
And I have to go make chicken to satisfy some general
Populace ideasa of responsibility. I so want to go now, my heart says fuck what others think, your needed. If I had any back bone left I would.
Fri
Darrell is ok. For now. Detoxing and promising to take his meds. He should be in the hospital but I understand why he distrusts it.
I post a recent interview with Dr. Ariana Love. I rest my case.
Say what you will about the SGT, a lot of it is proving to be true.
Darrell promises to call 911 if he experiences any chest pain or pressure. As soon as he is over his acute hangover I will tote him back to St Cloud for some good food and attention.
We women are tougher, less needy I believe, despite the opposite stereotypes.
Maybe we’re just more used to doing without our own needs first.
My father remarked that I was ‘ flattened’ now and I wonder if throughout my adult life, that hasn’t secretly been his objective. He doesn’t care much about the inner spirit of his daughters. Although he does the right things.
One of my co workers remarked that she wasn’t into squashing or suppressing peoples spirit.
I watch this bunch, trying to understand this generation . I withhold judgement. As long as people don’t wish to hurt me, or squash my spirit or harness it for thier own substance then I don’t judge them. Simple as that.
Perhaps I’m where I’m at to learn something. About how to be fun. Social. Up.
Obviously I was in a judgmental framework when Darrell was visiting in Colorado. But I was being severely judged and hurt as well.
Lesson, how to shift from pain based ways of perceiving to Joy based ways.
First lesson, don’t squash your own spirit, with booze, or anything else … that’s clinging to a pain based model.
What gave me joy so far today. A strong cup of coffee. A clear head. Darrell back on track and getting better.
We’ll go to the Ren fest for fun when he’s better.
Sat pm
A few minutes before work, sleepy. Got my swim and stretches done, just resting. Made a slush of mangoes juice, beet juice, carrot juice, oranges, strawberries, greens, spurulina and chlorella. Hope it heals. Tried some cbd last night. Didn’t hurt.
I don’t feel particularly energized. still very tired. Wish I could just sleep and sleep.
Sunday
Toted Chief back earlier. A heart healthy dinner of delicious Norwegian Salmon tonight. Oh he was a erratic angry mess driving back. I almost got punched. But he’s Pretty serene and jolly now.
I asked him what had been wrong. He said he felt lonely. He’d wanted to send money to his kids but didn’t even have thier addresses.
I guess he took out his abuse towards the people at Elders Lodge. A lot of that is related to his blood sugar, how well he follows regular eAtting and meds.
He went way too long without his insulin and heart meds the last time he visited. I remember I was alarmed by the swelling in his feet and recognized that if fluids were settling in his feet, they were in his heart as well. He made him keep his feet up, take his heart meds.
When he got back he fell off the wagon. Again, not taking his meds.
This is what happened prior to his last heart attack. The same symptoms.
It’s so hard to get him to go for a daily walk here in St Cloud. Which he does when he is home. But he’s going to have to. And I can’t be remiss about commandeering his diet, excersize and meds. Or I will lose him.
I feel bad that I didn’t get on him more.
I think he just wanted to be close, feel loved Although he likes some time at his place too… but anger at abandonment feelings sets in quickly after a week.
Tues
Getting ready to set up soon at the farmers market. Next Saturday. Taking a break at Kwik trip.
Darrell is insisting on little Debbie’s and French fries.
Lost cause. Will make chicken rice soup tonight.
Kwik trip … they have some fruits and healthy snacks but that chicken, tasty as it is is pure poisen, factory pumped up chickens and gross oil … yup, that’s what I do, make and sell nutritional shit. I don’t eat it, but I sell it. That’s the American way these days … running on bullshit, advertising and hype, convenience food of worthless if not poisonous value.
Our adversaries at least produce things of substance.
I could perhaps redeem myself and try to get hired on st an organic farm. W
WHat happened to those dreams of living off the grid. If this country collapses as predicted I’m going to be in trouble. I have however, friends in low places and that’s an asset when civilization (?) collapses.
We’d 30
Cigarettes. I have a lot of cigarettes at my fingertips. Should food riots begin, I grab all the cigarettes snuff and snuse , that can be bartered, cheaper than guns and prepping.
I have Cajun red beans with ham juices cooking , Spanish rice, bbq ribs marinating and sweet potatoes washed. Chicken soup is cooking in crock pot. Yes, it is the same plumped up shit I talked about last entry.
I’ve got a lot of it, I picked up cheap. The veggies are organic however.
Last month I was on a toilet tangent. This month it’s chicken.
Got him eatting again, especially the cod and red beans. Left overs for the next few days. A good dinner sleepy now. Visited dad. Wish I could spend more time there. Mowed the lawn
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