August 2016

8 08 2016

Hasn’t been a good week.

 

Darrell and i cann’t seem to do one single thing together without a huge problem.  i don’t want to list the dissapointments . . . today was the limit. There has been alot of things that I no longer can tolerate, or wish to be subjected too.  Today was the last try . . tried to take him out to dinner but it was non stop  verbal abuse.  Then he wanted me to drive around for an hour, all the while hitting me and yelling at me .  I told him to leave me alone for a while and we gave back our keys.  Money got to be too much of a problem too . . .I was alwasy buying little treats, helping out and all i got back was abuse . . . demands for more money, friends of his ripping me off . . . I could list a litany of things . . . people think Im putting him down when i write about how that makes me feel . . but i don’;t even come close to desribing the reality in detail.

this last episode with the missing wallet really bummed me out.  then my shoes dissapeared.  I wasn’t going to confront anyone unless i had proof, in case i was wrong, but I finally texted Carol and asked if she had accidentally taken my slippers.  She texted back . . no, they don’t fit. that kind of says it right there.

I ought to have texted back.  That’s good, believe me sista, you don’t want to be in my shoes. You really don’t want to take on my identity. Really you don’t.

On the brighter side . . . what brighter side . . . quit trying to look on the brighter side . . there fucking IS no brighter side.  I try to find optomism and meaning in the few straws i have . . . whoopy, I danced with my clients at the picnic. But it’s a life destroyed.   I don’t even want to hear the rationalizations . . we had to teach her a lesson and so on.  Who had that right . . .

At least I have my apartment to myself, it cool and quiet  . as long as all the people stay away from me and leave me alone . . it’s my sanctuary, I can ready, watch interesting documentaries on u tube, do my knitting.  I will be happier i think, than i think i will with time.  I mean . . Darrell , the Darrell i loved was gone to me a long time ago and i just didn’t want to let that goast go.

Monday afternoon

Got my swim in.  Wrked out too.  I think i still have a spark of ‘it’ left . . buried perhaps under an avalanche of things that destroyed sense of self . . but still there.  Can i still turn it on after all these years . . let it shine the way i could when I was younger??  I bet i can, just as an experiment and then people will be astonished . ..I would have to work out regularly, do my yoga, lose a few pounds and stay away from cheap beer except on ocasions . . like going out dancing.  I see a   i of pretty women around, and some that are very sexual , like Dana . . . but i had a differnet, natural kind of sensuality once . . .i bet i could still fan it back to life onemore time before i resign my self to the rocking chair . . . or dung heap if certian people had their way.  Im going to go out dancing again some time soon  . . no hobbling around looking shabby and forlorn, feeling done in . . . .and i bet a few souls will say . . dang, is that the woman we made fun of?  I can out do them all . . . or i could, once.  bought myself some nic clothes . . that’s always the first step. Swimming is good, working out . . feeling comfortable with ones own physicality.

I don’t really want to go on the prowl after 20 years . . i just want to feel like i can again.

Wednesday

Classes again this week.  Aced my test yeasterday with two wrong.  Boy, did that cheer me up  and it shows in the photos we took this morning.  We reconciled.  made up some chicken and bisquits with banana pudding and squash for Chief’s dinner.  he was in a playfull mood this morning.  Much to do today. Insights and ruminations later.

Thursday

Found that wallet. it was nestled in the crown of my summer straw hat.  Classes again yesterday and this time i passed my test with one wrong answer.  Feeling good.  Have had some weird dreams:

I was at a march with Dr. Martin Luther King.  He turned into Nelson Mandela. Mandela looked very tired and frail.   I sat down in a chair and then Nelson Mandela sat down on my lap.  I was sitting on some one elses lap and I tried to raise myself a little to keep the weight off of him.  Finally, I had to stand up but when I did Nelson Mandela collapsed.

Dream two. A gruesome dream that had to do with gaurding a dead body that had not been buried.  it was my job.  Finally, someone buried the body and i was very upset.  For some reason I felt some special role had been taken from me.  One of the tenents here knocked on my door  and told me something about Darrell and i got furious with her and tried to attack her.  She became abusive and yelled insults and taunts at me.  In the dream i was trying to scream and hit her but i could not.

Notes’

Darrell and i had been talking about the toll drugs took on the inner city population of Minneapolis in the early 90s . . . and about clintons role in importing  them.  We were talking about things that had estroyed black lives.  Dream probably represents ‘support.  Also, perhaps a concern that without my support my ‘south side boy’ as i used to call Darrell, would collapse.

Dream two was disturbing.  i have yet to figure it out. probably has to do with something aspect of a past relationship that had not been put to rest.  Derek?  The last half of the dream is anger at people who had commandeered my relationship with Darrell.

Saturday August 13.16

Off to the market i guess.  Make money instead of spend it.  Wanted so badly to go to the subdued string band jamboree in Deming today.  I even offered to pay Darrell’s ticket.  Intially he seemed enthused. But then turned ressistive and quarrelsome when i brought it up.  I hardly ever get enthused about going out to festivals anymore and I feel really saddened that I cannot find transportation to this one now.  Why couldn’t he lend me the car if i gave him some money?  yesterday the same thing around  going to the Lake . . Donna and Hollis stopped and wanted us to go.  Again . . . Maggies Fury is playing for free tonight but if i go I will have to go alone.  I invited Darrell over for dinner but again, he said he didn’t like my house.  Maybe he’s going through something.  Says he only wants to go to Pow wows now and i need to respect that.  O.K. . . .he is retreating from participating in cultural events or socializing, outside of his  matrix . . .there’s no cultural interface i guess.  Maybe people are retreating into their camps because of the rise of Trump.   There will be no scenic trips, no trips to the Lake this summer.  I don’t mind going places myself . I would have liked to go to the Jamboree myself but no way i could get there.  I have been sober for a while and am acting and thinking so much better than i did in the past . . . and now I am at the point where I want to come out of retreat into the celebration of life . . just as Darrell is retreating into his world.  This morning there were accusations that he knows i am seeing someo9ne . . would i be pleading with him to go with me if i were??  What’s really going on here?Sara asked Darrell for  ride back from sumas, only a short distance from Demming where the music fest was going on and Darrell jumped right in the car to go get her . . but not me,

Saturday

Paul and his girlfriend stayed here a few nights. They were quarreling.  Darrell and I were quarrelling and continue to do so if we interface.  Drank by myself and watched back episodes of ‘The Killing’ all day on Monday.  Didn’t answer calls or open door . . . Darrell called the cops to do a ‘welfare check’. (probably hoping to ‘catch me in the act’) so now Im the ‘problem’ again in the community eye.  Back to being the terrible drunk. . . you see  . . . you see . .  how she is . . . . and he is back to being the concerned boyfriend . Of course i straightened up and made my work shifts.   Today he is back to accusations and saying he doesn’t care about you white people or how i feel, or what i want . . .  etc . . . . .I got to admit, he always wins the PR game. he is the master of that.

I signed my folks up for meals on wheels 3 days a week.  i ampaying  for this myself.  I am feeling good about this.  i should have done it a while ago.  Now, if i can just get my sisters to chip in on visiting angels once a week to get gorceries and clean out the tub and showers etc . . .i won’t be so concerned that i need run accross country trying to fix things myself.

so far, Mom and Dad really appreciate and enjoy the meals on wheels.  My approval rating has gone up in St. Cloud i think . . the lady at the St. cloud Hospital who signed me up was so friendly and talkative, she had a ‘Fargo’ accent and boy did she like to talk . . I envisioned a sort of friendly, roly poly curly haired blond midwestern woman my age . . . . anyway. it makes my spirit feel better knowing im taking on some daughterly responsiblity for their welfare that will help out their lives.

Sunday

Got out to the lake with Hollis and Donna.  We watched some movies later with Darrell.  Made him a meatloaf.  it felt good to swim out and then float, gazing at the clouds and the mountains surrounding the Lake as the waves bouy me in their rythm.  it is like being one with the universe.

It is peaceful here at home tonight. Just browsing the internet and listening to Pandora.  Time to turn on the news.

Tuesday

Flipped on Bill O’Reilly for the first time in a while and something he was talking about got under my skin. He was talking about social media destroying lives and Facebook creating liars.  I seem to remember Mr. O’Reilly commenting once on national television that my father had said of me that i was garbage. Never mind that my Dad has talked like that since i was a teenager from time to time.   And that’s not destroying lives?? Ive been avoiding the ‘media thing’ as i used to call it . . trying to put it behind me but there are things that keep popping up that bring it all back . . .just as ther are things here that bring back the agony of ‘what went down’ here in Bellingham despite my efforts to move on . . . and i feel compelled to write about it all once again . . despite the fact that ‘no one listens to Karen anymore.” They should.  I wasn’t a liar.  I told the truth.  Even the stuff about Sullivan . . .all true.  And it was much bigger than I reported.

I don’t think my Facebook wall , or anyone elses is nessesarally a false front.  No more than every person in their social interactions in daily life has a ‘wall’.  for me it was a chanch to interact with people in a positive way, when everything in my life seemed designed to demonize and isolate me. it was a way of having a laugh, learning fro people, participating in their reality a bit and also sharing a window into my personal life and things i valued.  I shared my projects.  I shared Darrell’s artworks.  i share pictures . . people can interpret those as they will.    That is hardly a ‘lie’ .  Only to those who have condemned . . and see anything that contradicts that condemnation as phoney or a lie.  Not ‘the truth’.

So if one posts good stuff on their FB . . they are liars. Phoney.   If they post their problem solving, less than happy stuff, their or some one elses dirty laundry then they are creating ‘hatred’  sounds like a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation.

yeah.  the internet can destroy lives . . . .my blogging was often cited as creating destructive energy, of damaging the public personas of of some people i wrote about, and therefore the media ‘backlash’ was seen as response.  However, the media began to attack and destroy my life long, long before anything i wrote in my private journals ever became publicly accessable.  It was the other way around . . . I felt compelled to defend myself.  Also, you had to know who i was to even find those old journals on line.  have a reason to find and read them . . . where as, the many statements that were made about me via media reached a global audience by contrast.  So i don’t buy the theory that internet destroys lives and that  somehow influences or finds it’s way to the blameless media . . .no, there has to be a day when they can admit to the damage that they felt it was within their right to create. (She DESERVED distain!) No one deserves to be called a piece of shit on t.v. by Mike Moore and others . . .they are supposed to be on the side of the people.  And do they think those ‘peoples’ are all saints??  No . . in reality, wether their posture is populist or looking out for you O’Reilly they pander to a easily manipulated mainstream audience.  I got news for them . . those peoples . . they do things all the time that make me look like a prig. Get real.

WEdnesday

O.K>  Simmer down Karen.  That’s twice this week i let myself get triggered by something that brought up painfull emotions. This is now.  So much time has passed that no one would even know what the hell I was  talking about.

I am at work.  My bones hurt.  Bad.  probably from swimming.  I’ll do some yoga on my down time.

There are  serious protests against the pipeline in Standing Rock right now and i support that.  Water is crucial.  When i visited Standing Rock in 2008 some one had poisened the water (fertilizer)  . . or at least that was the theory.  People had to get bottled water.  I would pour some tap water into a pan and hours later there was a layer of crud that had settled on the bottom . Poisened water spells the end of a people’s independence from government.  The end of a people actually . . as if they don’t have enough sadness, suicides and things.  Not to say there isn’t good suff too .  yeah, water is a serious matter . I guess most Americans just shrug it off . . heck, we have water shortages in California, in Phoenix, the water in Flint is poisened.  But it’s not the same thing.  Maybe Flint.

Paul and Becky staying at my place tonight, maybe tommarrow.  Dang, how will i make it through my shift with this much bone pain.

(later)

I just finished my yoga stretches and meditation and the pain is gone now.  It is very peacefull here at the ‘office’. I have an entire apartment to myself since the client that lived here passed on. It’s our office area, where we overnight people camp all night. In a bit i will have to make my rounds again but right now it is peacefull.  Listening to Mary Youngblood on u tube as I write.  Not struggling to stay awake.

Thursday 8-25-2016

The term genocide was coined in 1944 by a Jewish Polish legal scholar, Raphael Lemkin. For Lemkin, “the term does not necessarily signify mass killings.” He explained:

More often [genocide] refers to a coordinated plan aimed at destruction of the essential foundations of the life of national groups so that these groups wither and die like plants that have suffered a blight. The end may be accomplished by the forced disintegration of political and social institutions, of the culture of the people, of their language, their national feelings and their religion. It may be accomplished by wiping out all basis of personal security, liberty, health and dignity. When these means fail the machine gun can always be utilized as a last resort. Genocide is directed against a national group as an entity and the attack on individuals is only secondary to the annihilation of the national group to which they belong.

Friday

Feeling really sad, alone and lonely this Eve. The usual . . . so tired of the  negativity when i am trying to put out positive energy towards others.  I don’t understand it in this community . . after all these years . . . my bike got stripped . . and people in my building know it’s my bike.  Darrell being angry  . . despite my going into overdraft to get him some weed to chill out . . . he’s not answering phone calls.

I keep hoping that after my stat test in September i will have my license and then i will be free to go some where, do something different with my life .  . . and I am trying t hang tough, do a good job at work and gain back social respect.  To some extent it is working, i enjoy my co workers . . but that is a pretty thin positive support system.

maybe I’ll go out to boundary bay . . . nah, i need to money tommarrow at the market, not spend it.  I don’t really want to do the market tommarrow, even though its an extra hundred . ..Im starting to feel ridiculous.

 

(Later)  tired now in a good way’.  I went out for a walk.  walking tropugh town taking in the sights and music  on a warm Friday night in august.  People everywhere having a good time.  So many cool bistros and nooks and crannys have sprung up in Bellingham . . so  many people enjoying each others company.  Bellingham is a pretty cool town.  haven’t got out and walked around for a while .. . . i want to continue this but through the worm hole is on.

Saturday .  did the market. Few sales but good conversations.  Went out to the Bayou last night and treated myself to some shrimp.  Tonight , i made some almond encusted fish, Jo Jos with italian seasoning, fresh cooked carrots in butter,cucumber salad and cloeslaw. Yum.

Tired now.

Monday

Hung out with Darrell at my place yesterday and we got along just like old times.  made up chicken and wild rice, took a cruise out to Lummi and engaged in debate about the current protests in Standing Rock.  I asked if the Grand River had it’s source in the Missouri and wether it is or could be accessed for water.  Darrell filled me in on recent history.  I guess bear soldier housing near Mc Laughlin got all of it’s drinking water from this water tower in Mc Laughlin. The pipe line that carried that water either broke or was tampered with and that water was poisened.  Now Standing Rock has a different water source.  The Grand River in Standing Rock which is close to a number of villages there flows into the Missouri. So it’s a source of uncontaminated water. Should the Missouri become contaminated this water would be invaluable.  In fact, Darrell tells me the town of Mc Laughlin wants the tribe to share it’s water and is putting pressure on them to do so.

if the Missouri were contaminated by oil spill . . . there will be a fight over this water.