March 2022

March 1st

What does Kali actually represent to me that I am catching glimpses of such fierceness. In mirror. In dream. Something powere I have abandoned or neglected to acknowledge in my self. Am I needing to reclaim or recognize this power??

It used to be said of me that “ she doesn’t know her own power”. But that was twenty years ago. Perhaps that is the message peeking through in brief glimpses.

Sometimes it is nessesary to tap Kali energy, when one is surrounded by bully’s or dark, negative energy.

It is interesting to think of Darrell, mouse slayer as lord of the animals, Shiva. Interesting idea.

Putin has been more restrained than he is given credit for. I don’t believe he wants to obliterate and destroy Ukraine the way we Americans obliterate and destroy when we enter a country. He’s not destroying the people, or even the military the way he could… I believe he wants the military and doesn’t want the people totally alienated against him. I think he want to get rid of the government and replace it with one that is friendlier to Russia ( rather than bidens) . I think he’s threatened by nato encroaching on his borders. I also think a lot of men are fleeing conscription, not the Russian brutality.

If Putin wanted a full invasion he’d have it by now, and win.

I also think this all is being pumped as distraction from Covid scandal which is increasingly coming to light.

Everyone gets to virtue signaling again here and pray for the poor Ukrainians. Have they forgotten the devastation our recent string of invasions have caused world wide??

2/2

The 3rd mouse died. Under my bed a few nights ago. And here I’ve been gently urging Darrell to shower, after a few nights of sniffing, wondering if he’s sicker than I knew.

I’m making him walk outside this morning, now that the weather is nicer. Soon his nephew will take him home, in a few days.

I don’t think I can even fathom a world with darrell truely gone, far away, for good.

I know that most are indifferent here, some glad… but they are only thinking of thier own matrix here. Ours was a canvas so much larger. Listening to Cedar flute love song as Darrell rouses and agrees to go for a walk. And shower. I don’t know how long I have to spend with you, I tell him, but it’s not good for spirit or health to just sit in a lazy boy all day.

Now I’m listening to Celebration of life by Douglas Spotted Eagle. He’s put his seed cap on.

2/5

I was wrong in my speculations about Ukraine. Dead wrong.

Darrell still here. His nephews are not coming to pick him up. This is a very, very serious problem. I need to treat it as a mentle health crisis … not mine, Darrells.

I endanger myself if I try to confront this. He could turn on me in rage if I try to force him to a decision in the next day or so , but then that’s where it’s likely headed anyway, he can go back to his apartment. Or travel on to South Dakota as he planned but he cannot simply live off me, without even consulting me, smoking up all his money. I wonder if this is just addictive thinking on his part or if it is part of a larger destructive plan. Or just the cycle of violence he’s ( and a whole lot of people) are perpetuating here in Minnesota… that’s gone on for sooooo long.

I never see it coming, being set up. It’s not going to end either until it reaches its conclusion.

Confronted Darrell with ultimatum. He’s busy calling up relatives and blaming me.

The hostilities are starting. Threats to come beat me up. Here we go again.

What happens if he goes on the streets here? All the white guys will be blaming me. But maybe he will get picked up in a cycle if detoxes and forced into addressing mentle health. Taking ownership of his life.

I will not accommodate manipulating threatening blackmailing behaviors any more. I’m

In for a shit storm now.

( later) no shit storm. I was gentle, clear and non accusatory and addressed it as addict behavior that I was enabling, or tolerating.

So , under prodding, Darrell will be going to Colorafo to see Rory and his new grandson. That’s a really good thing. They don’t drink or drug anymore, Rory is smart and talented and together they can really do art again. Rory is also a spiritual man these days, he goes to ceremony, speaks Lakota, does drum circle.

Darrell has already bonded by phone with the tyke. He blurbels and laughs whenever Lala talks to him so I think they all need each other and can help each other as family. I know darrell always dreamed of this, being the Elder with things to teach, being a part of the lives of the younge ones … but his trips to S.D never worked out that way. I certainly never thought the day would come.

At any rate, my talking to darrell when he wasn’t zoned steered him into a nessesary and good direction. I will put money down on his place here and keep it in reserve just in case. That way no bridges are burned.

Who knows. In a few months maybe he won’t be so restless ,St. Paul, may seem like a haven of quiet. Play it by ear.

We went out to China Star for dinner. No bad vibes. We’re still pals.

2/5

Darrell grumpy this morning, reluctant to buy ticket.

I suppose he considers his room here his safety and comfort zone. And maybe he’s just unable to say “ I like your company” “ I need you and love you that’s why I want to be here” I love him too and like his company.

But why can’t he accept boundaries?? That’s the problem. So what if he was bored in St. Paul. He had the freedom to visit me whenever he wanted and he was here a lot.

But he had to push boundaries, and tried to burn all his bridges and dump everything on me… or else I am scapegoated for his cutting off his nose to spite his face. Twice I’ve devoted so much energy to getting him his own place. My going to Bellingham to fish him home to Minnesota and get him on the system saved his life, but my conditions were that he must have his own place.

Look at all the problems that occurred when he was staying with me here. Sure we had nice times too. But. Does he even realize how much money I poured into this? And I have no more money now.

I can’t afford to shoulder this.

A lot of this is lingering Minneapolis street mentality. Those guys on the streets there are all like that. And the system there’s knows this but protects the general public from knowing this. A boundary exists to be broken. . A womans place is a place to hang your hat. There were lots of guys on the streets who actually held women hostage so they could live there. Hostage taking is commen among the poor. So is kidnapping Even a 70 year old woman, who was tied up in her place. That kind of shit happened to me in Dinky town, Willy Roman presided over that situation, he was caretaker and allowed it.

Everyone wanted to invade my space over 20 years. Since Dinkytown. Uptown actually. When I lived in Uptown I had the same problem with male housemates. Perhaps it’s a Minnesota thing, although it seemed to mushroom into the enormous national ( world) violations of survellience , and media abuse during the Bush and particularly the Obama era. but the public who once howled with Joy and snickered at watching this agony at the hand of criminal and psychopathic people both high and low are awakened now that’s it’s been turned on them. There going to sober up even more when the sinister truths become more evident. But that’s the society I live in.

Darrell was certainly not the worst. He was actually a Prince compared to most others .

3/6

Darrell getting his ticket today. I can’t go with him to do this however , since I Must be hear to take phone call for Medicare enrollment. I’m just tired of dragging this out. He made his decision weeks ago to hit the road, move out of his place, and has been lingering here. And I’m holding him to it. You made this decision so go. You can’t

Move in here. That’s one boundary violation too many. It’s my red line. When he leaves I may not see him for a long time. Lingering is emotionally cruel. I hate it when men do that. If they say they are leaving they should go, then and there, not post phone it to a convenient date. Derek did the same thing. It’s cruel and the emotional dissidence of anger vs attachment is miserable. Better to just get it over with. I keep waiting and waiting, trying to be easy about this, without bad words to remember but now I soo want to be alone, to heal and grieve.

I’m much stronger woman than people know. They have mistaken kindness for weakness and stupidity. I was never blind to Dsrrell. But he was good company and considering the animosity of most white Americans towards me, especially here in Mn, thanks to the liberal elite, I considered it the lesser of two evils.

I cherish time alone though. No energy for games at this age. Whatever I have to face now I can. Economic collapse, financial stuff, war fallout, but I have to ration my energy, I’ve got none to spare for deadbeats who’ve abused my generosity

3/9

I am driving Darrell to Rapid City this weekend. Taking off Friday after work.

He had bus ticket in hand but then we looked at the itinerary… all the way down to Des Moines, then across Nebraska. So , thinking that Rapid City was just a 4 hour drive to the South Dakota border I agreed to drive him there, to Bunny’s. He decided to stop in Rapid City before going on to Cheyenne. Turns out it is 8 hour drive. More stress hormones.

Stress put a kink in my neck. And I’ve had headache and 2 near fainting spells. I finally broke down and had a few shots,

Realize now the agony, meantle anguish could have been manufactured by my own addict brain , perhaps distressed by Darrell’s free and easy addiction and leisure at my expense while he is here while I was struggling to stay sober and keep up my responsibilities. After all I’ve been severely penalized by the establishment and he has not. And I could be penalized further for his illegal activity if I allow it. I know pot is ok, but it’s still illegal.

Like all recovering people under stress from these temptations, my mind goes into a frenzy, a prunish, angry talking.

But far from feeling like a failure , the way I usually do when I struggle before a liquor store and give in to the pounding desire for relief from depression, I feel ok now.

That part of me that says lighten up. It’s not Armageddon.

3/10

I feel OK this morning. Not sick, a little blurry. I Mostly just slept all afternoon.

In the present. Crocheting a hat. I am not angry at Darrell right now, but I am so looking forward to having my own place to myself. I go crazy when my place is taken over . I am thinking of how, in Bellingham, I let Darrel stay at my place while I was here looking after mom and Dad. He invited a bunch of guys over and they rang up hundreds in pornography.

That of course brought back memories of that ring in Dinky town, which is horrible to contemplate… bringing those guys over to our ‘ nest’ is a symbolic rape. Just as the Multiple incidents of bad behavior that have occurred here .

I had a little room on Pillsbury St in Minneapolis for about 4 years. When I first came to Minnespolis. I started off from a welfare shelter, and quickly got a place. I kept to myself, kept my expenses very low. Repeatly went on the wagon for Months at a time. I

Minded my own business , worked out a lot at the ymca, spent some time in coffee shops, ushered at many theaters so I could watch free plays, and stayed out of trouble , avoided any friendships and all relationships. I had no enimys then. No one particularly disliked me, I was pretty anonymous and private. No one knew much about me. No one remembers me from that time. My family didn’t care or visit. I saw them only formally on holidays.

It wasn’t until the last couple of years, when the violent misogyny of housemates in Uptown broke me down and led to the ugliness of that ring in Dinkytown that anyone heard my name. I’ve never really written out the full brutality of that chapter.

I think I moved into Dan Sullivans in z uptown in December of 96 . I was only there a short while until may before I moved out to Dinkytown into a womens rooming house. I was is such a regressed state because of all the cruelty that occurred there that I was quickly swallowed up by a ring of drunks ( and preditors) next door. I left Dinkytown in October of 96 for Mission lodge.

9 months total out of 8 years. Yet over the span of twenty years it is the chapter used to define me. That chapter began a series of events that were to be my life for twenty years, no matter how I tried to shake it off. I almost did in Madison, I had my own place finally after a scary road trip, but it was never private, I was monitored by CIA and everything I said even in private launched attack by the pundits of political correctness. Although I talked to no one beyond the chit chat of work, did no journaling( not until about 2002, and not assessable to public until 2004) I was put on the stand of a witch trial for damn near everything, but mostly ancient violations of political incorrectness, offensiveness. After all the violence I went through… that wasn’t offensive. But every word I said about it was. I even remember a grade school teacher bringing in a troup of toddlers to view me. This is what a racist looks like they were told. This is a college campus!! From my observation perch at the student union I witnessed behaviors that were out of grade school, and some of the professors were the worst … gargling, throwing garbage etc … making comments about how we will GET her. A top 10 university!!! I believe there was even a mob outside my apartment building one night but I slept through it. Lots of people came to view me when I worked. When I walked down State Street white guys would rush forward to spit or snarl at me, really, snarling and growling if they walked close behind me. How does it feel, they would shout, to know you destroyed a family. This is a college campus!!! Then the Jews went after me , mostly mockery because I ‘ mocked’ people in cartoons 15 years earlier. ( Invented characters in fictional story lines). Somehow I was labeled antiemetic, although most of the People we hung out with in Eugene were Jewish. But that’s another kettle of fish. I referred to this as ‘high jacking’

All that was a high jacking to promote a variety of agendas and narratives, that’s were it gets complex, moving from a hate crime and kidnapping ( kidnapping is very commen but white people don’t know that). Into the creation of ‘ the enemy’ where things are turned upside down. All this would continue when I moved to Bellingham with the added agenda of pay back ‘ for all the trouble I caused. Seems to me I was the one whose life was under disruption, not them. But I found some core of strength and humanity to create a private life that had meaning, and affection dispute all the hate and outrage leveled at me in public. Women too, to this day. I couldn’t walk down the street or go into a store without eye rolling and mutterings of ‘ stupid’ and every other name. And finger wagging. ‘ shame. Shame’

Smart people could see this as a psychosis, something that should never have happened in America but I’ve never been compensated. But it was all, all manufactured during the bush and Obama years, largely implemented on the part of the left. Although not completely. Air America that morphed into msnbc were at the forefront of this. But fox too. I just watched OReilly the other day, still playing his role as the people wise no nonsense Catholic patriarch. He said Putin will go to hell for his godless nihilism. Hell. It’s all religious now.

People believe what they want to and the usual narrative here in St. Cloud 20 years later goes something like this: she had it coming. She got what she deserved. She brought all that on herself. I used to feel ‘ sorry’ for her ( really? Since when) but she’s just playing the victim to get attention. She’s actually the victimizer. I can’t even say that woman’s name. I’m so glad the media made karen a by word for contemptible white women.

I dare anyone to try to survive all that psychologically intact and remain a decent loving person.

3/10

Change of plans. We are going to Little Eagle tomarrow. Darrells grandson Aaron hung himself. If Darrell had taken the bus out there earlier this month he could have been there , maybe. Why so much senseless pain and tragidy.

3/11

Darrell is a wreck, destroyed by pain and grief. I’ve got a lot of driving ahead. 8 to 10 hours there, 8 to 10 back.didn’t sleep enough, already tired.

3/12

We are in Mobridge SD now. Checked into motel around midnight. Darrell is composed and his mood has cheered a little being home. It begins to feel like the West once you hit SD. Cowboy hats , seed caps, beards. The women don’t have that sugar cookie look. I feel such a lifting of weight. A freedom again. After breakfast we search out his people. Breakfast here. Now THAT is bacon, bacon for real, worth the trip.

All that angst about boundaries and past misfortunes seems ridiculous when one is out in open country here. It’s a special place, with the rivers and game and rolling hills, despite the poverty /in the villages.

Darrell says he felt like he was in prison growing up on the REz, with all the politics and that he felt free in the big cities. I felt like I was in prison in St. Cloud. We’re in Wakpala now and Darrell is visiting, trying to see what’s happened, what’s going on now. I’m glad I drove him here . . It’s like a greater spirit brought us here for a purpose when our self inflicted dissatisfaction became too great.

( later) could not find anyone who would put darrell up. They were all overloaded with kids and people taking up every spot on the couch or floor. darrell smoked a lot of weed as we drove all fucking day from village to village in search of people who weren’t there. I was so tired of driving. The rolling hills got tiresome after a while.

The cops stopped us , after following us a while, just short of the casino where we’d rented a room. Darrell had a bag of weed, but fortunately pot is legal in Standing Rock. But I was the driver, and my intoxilock device for once, was my friend. My driving was questionable they said, which is why they stopped me, not going over the speed limit. Just some hope of nailing a drunk driver. Not this time. BIA decided not to jail Darrell, for weed possession because of his his extensive list of nessesary meds. but all this made me think . At casino. Now. Darrell playing the machines and me getting drunk at the bar.

3/12 Time to go home. Darrell was talking about me just dropping him off and letting him fend for himself. He probably would find someone to stay with. Maybe disappear into the streets. His diabetes would kill him if he started in drinking. And a lot of people would come after me if he was in a bad way or died so I tried to talk him out of it. So I guess we go back and I pick up the yoke again. Kicking myself for taking him here instead of letting him bus to Rapid City.

Home now. A lot of money spent. A lot of Darrell’s relatives have even less tolerance than me for his pattern of never planning and just throwing things to the wind. Ripping up his own independent living situations to pursue some fantasy of family that no longer exists. A fantasy that has cost a lot of cars, money and time and repeatedly left me to pick up all the broken pieces.

I need to focus on my own role in this. I volunteered to drive after all when he had the bus ticket in hand. And when he changed plans to go to Little Eagle for the funeral, I had already committed myself so I couldn’t retract the offer, there’s no buses past Bismarck any way. And I felt sorry for him.

His adopted brother knows exactly how Darrell uses pity and manipulation when he can’t get what he wants. Even destroying himself by going homeless . Why wouldn’t he, look at the viral responses his actions have created.

https://www.bitchute.com/embed/MdWbmEZVM7d5/

The above link discusses exactly what I’ve suspected this year. How people can be targeted by cell phone, irradiated if they listen to ‘ misinformation . Also the link between vaccines and 5G.

This ‘ misinformation’ by the way has 500, 000 people protesting in Germany right now.

It continues to be of great importance even though the masses here are focused on the situation in Ukraine right now and old Cold War fears of WW 3.

I knew I was being irradiated, I felt the brain fog and even saw it at times.

It’s as I thought, the levels Of radiation go way up if you listen to podcasts deemed ‘ misinformation’.

Mice are back.

https://www.bitchute.com/embed/Z7ktHIL324OW/

Posted a max egen video. Don’t know how much longer he will last.

I’m fortunate enough to work at a place that does not demand vaccine mandates, don’t know how much longer that will last here in St Cloud. A lot of people are somewhat aware of vaccine dangers, but keep it quiet.

It was listening to people like max that motivated me to get out of the Centracare world while the craziness was at its height with sanitation procedures and fear and anger at the unvaxed.

I wish I’d listened to my intuition when dreams told me to get to a red state, now the establishment, they , got me strapped down. But I’m happy at work and that makes all the difference in the world.

Not confronting darrell just now. Just letting things sink in for him after the road trip.

3/17

St. Patty’s day. I agreed to play some tunes over the lunch hour at Edgewood. But I didn’t have time to practice anything and my sight reading ain’t so great. Obvious I’ve sustained strokes and some damage. I play fine then it suddenly doesn’t register. But I picked out some simple ones I remember, Rocky Road to Dublin and a handful more.

And these are old folks they don’t care that

Much. And even if they do and I do fuck up it’s not that important. What’s important is to chip in for the fun of it.

Gone are the days when I could kick ass, playing Brahms fourth.

I had two parakeets once that really liked Brahms. They weren’t too wild about Irish music although I gave them Gaelic names, back in Irish Well days. Nope. They were into Brahms. Go figure.

3/18

Weather pleasant st last. Played my tunes during the dinner hour when it was less hectic. I wore a dark green tee shirt with Celtic knot earrings. Some of the other nurses were wearing what looked like green Halloween get ups, leggings with shamrocks, little green bows or little hats, cheap green beads and tutus. What’s with the tutus??

We had shamrock cookies, pistachio ice cream, corn beef and cabbage and Irish stew.

One guy had a stroke while I was playing and they had to take him by ambulance.

He was looking at me funny and I thought, he either really likes this or really hates it.

It must have triggered some adrenaline at any rate. He was double vaxed. And had had a series of mini strokes since, and skin erreptions so it’s not like my playing was the sole culprit. Like it killed him.

But it did make me feel funny, to see him carted off almost as soon as I began my set.

I know I needed practice but . . .apparently it was the straw that broke the camels back.

And I was so proud of myself for having the gumption to actually play in public .

3/20

Jim survived his stroke. He was back for lunch. He told me it was not my playing the triggered him but looking on my gorgeous face and snappy eyes.

Oh jeez. If bullshit could slay. Darrell, grumpus, you have a gallant Rival. Gallantry confuses me. I don’t know what to do with it, dust off the snappy flirting skills I guess.

Took Darrell for a McDonalds big breakfast down by Lake George. We walked the mile around it. Good to get him exercising a little.

We are waiting for news of the upcoming funeral. Sometimes it takes a while for bodies to come home. It’s not like here.

Took

https://youtu.be/1humfpe1K4w

Above link: Jimmy Dore on Ukraine

https://rumble.com/vy2to7-live-vaxxed-mind-control-zombies-demand-ww3-cartels-invade-gay-mafia-attack.html

Above link: Stew Peters on Ukraine

3/ 22

Rain this morning. What serenity to wake slowly to the sound of rain after such a terrible winter.

Darrell will head to Coloroda at beginning of month. I’ve been walking with him once or twice a day and it elevates his depression. And mine. I was Tore up with grief when he almost took off near Pierre. I didn’t know myself. I’ve since been accepting him and his decisions , realizing that flawed as he can be, I will be losing my closest friend. He’s not in good health. I should be glad, not angered that he wants to stay close to me these final months.

Made him a hat.

https://www.bitchute.com/video/ghx85L5OjpN8/

The above link is for ‘Graphine skys’

3/26

Dream

I was at mission lodge, which was not really mission lodge but more like a treatment center. A woman administrator pointed to me and told me I had to leave, I was kicked out. I was angry and very distraught and wanted a reason but she insisted she did not have to give one. I was crying and crying as I tried to locate an administrator who could give me the reason but I was either ignored, avoided, or refused an explanation

3/26

The mice ate a painting. At least they had good taste in art.

3/28

A good morning. We went out to breakfast and we’re slinging shit at each other in fun.

I head to the twin cities tomarrow to pick up Darrell’s meds and clean his fridge. I intend to enjoy myself too, maybe take in a play or music. Treat myself to a good restaurant. I see there’s an Irish pub on 28th and Colfax now. I can guess whose going there. Not me though.

Darrell excited about his upcoming tri to Colorado. I will miss him. Hes entertaining. Compared to all the money people spend on entertainment, boats, trips to Vegas, new cars, so on … I guess I should quit paining myself on all the money spent. We all spend money on love and entertainment. Wether it be on lipstick and clothes or trips to the Bahamas and date night dinners.

Watching a documentary on Bob Dylan. Nostalgic for those days.

Dream

I had pets. The dog seemed overweight. I’d forgotten about them and when I asked the dog what was wrong he pointed out that I’d neglected them. I looked at the love birds and although they were healthy thier cage was a mess and they needed fresh food. I took the dogs out for a walk.

3/30 at Darrell’s apartment cleaning up and it’s great. The radio in twin Cities is awesome. Listening to jazz station as I tidy and pretend this apartment was mine . Had lunch in uptown. Uptown , how I loved thee.

Food has gone down .

Damn. I miss the twin cities.

February

I feel a resurgence of the life force this morning. Anticipation. Contentment. Remembered sense of self. I’ve been going through the motions but I have been empty.

My apartment is cleaned and organized. Nooks and crannies bleached, traps re baited. Landlord and I worked to stop up all holes in the walls. No mouse activity today that I can detect. I am heading to the twin cities in a bit to see Darrell. He wants to visit. I’d like to hang out in the cities. He wants to hang out in St. Cloud.

He will be cantankerous, as usual . A cumudgeon. Pick on my driving. Go on anti white rants, talk about Native experience and outlook a lot. Retreat to his room and watch a lot of movies. But I suppose this exchange helps me see the bigger picture.

Is it worth it though. Is it nessesary at this stage. Does it contribute to my happiness??

He sound glad to see me, and as long as I detect that that gladness there is light.

2/6

Biscuits and gravy this morning. Lots of joking around , cuddling in the wee hours.

Funny how the spirit of love can ebb and flow. Maybe we’re learning to appreciate each other. It feels like Bellingham days again, in the refuge of the nest.

Yesterday I tookDarrell to Northland visions in Minneapolis. An amazing shop that sells native art, jewelry, textiles, quilts, canes, cards, beads, leather, you name it.

Darrell still had some cards in the racks. He was dismayed to find that the selection of his work was mostly quick caricatures, drawn in jail with none of his older animal themes, and dream themes.

These were cards that Juanita brought in, when I relinquished controll of the business end of SpottedHorse designs to her.

Yes, we were a team once, wether people can accept that or not, but the Indians didn’t want me to retain any importance or status when I returned to St. Cloud. Nor did white people here as a matter of fact.

My Facebook pages that covered 17 years of our life in WA were disabled. ( on the grounds that I was an imposter, ) I was told that they wanted me out of the picture, that I was just some whore.

Our lives in WA couldn’t have been more different than that MN narrative.

So here I was, looking at cards that I had probably printed and packaged at my own expenses… cards thatDarrell never would have chosen to represent his art. Cards he knew would not sell outside his Rez, that would not be liked in politically correct Minneapolis boutique.

I acquiesced too easily it seems. But the good of this is that Darrell has finally been motivated to begin drawing again, to do new stuff he can market at Northland visions.

The plan is to buy up the remaining caricatures on the next trip to Minneapolis. Then present a new selection of Darrell’s choosing. So We are off to Target to buy supplies in a bit and I guess we’re teaming up again just like the old days. We were happy with our routine in Bellinghamfor the most part, unconventional as it was to most white women,

He’d burrow up at my place for a few weeks, sometimes a month or more,and draw up some work. I cooked up many many meals and we sure enjoyed the food, a lot of it from the food bank nearby. We ate good, joked and played and talked about America and the world around us. Then we’d take off about 4 in the morning for Horseshit cafe for a ‘ date’ then he’d take off with a bag of prints and cards I had done up. He was off to the park to sell his stuff and have a good time with his pals till he ran out of gas and wanted to come in. Sometimes a few days later, sometimes weeks. I’d bring him San which Ed and fresh clothes. Then He’d call in the middle of the night, when everyone st my apartment was sleeping, and I’d come get him. There were times it took hours to walk him home he was so blitzed. Then I’d sneak him in, feed him and the whole cycle would begin again, he’d sober up, watch football, rest and sketch. I’d do the meal thing, bringing back riches of fresh produce and seafood from the food bank. Then when he had new drawings or cribbage boards we’d get stuff printed and packaged and off he’d go.

And here we were back in MN. Looking on the cards that remain of our partnership. He used to make up to a hundred bucks a day sometimes selling in the park. I bet 5 or 6 cards sold at Northland visions. But even though his work was mostly quick sketches done to make fellow inmates laugh at the Standing Rock jail.

And so another chapter begins, just when I thought he would never do art anymore. He seems really happy all of a sudden. And with me, although I’m not sure what aim doing differently.

Maybe my sense of betrayal is so great, after trying so hard to fit in on St. Cloud terms instead of being true to myself.

Feeling turned on, and the shadow of punishment culture and the absolutism of the Minnesota mind controll people looming.

But someday there will be a legacy. And the message is be true to your own vision, enjoy the simple happinesses of life, love and support one another, be maverick in your creativity and approach to life. Keep your soul. Eat, give footrubs, play, invent, celebrate and stay free.

2/8. Free. The very word is like a bell. To toll me back from thee to my sole self! Adieu! The fancy cannot cheat so well as she is fame’d to do, deceiving elf. Adieu! Adieu! Thy plaintive anthem fades.

Warm temps expected today, and snow.

I will call the treatment people today and give them my decision. I cannot do their recommended program and keep my job at this time. I prefer to keep my job. However, that may change when new people are trained in and my dietary director gets a little vacation after months of 12 hour days.

Also, I will have work insurance in a few months which will allow me greater options and since my sentence has been moved to July, I have time.

So … we are gearing up for a war with Russia? We are going to put an end to a pipeline running through Ukraine? What about the pipeline running through Standing Rock?? Was our government outraged when Standong Rock resisted. They wanted thier sovereignty too.

Darrell tells me his tribe is giving $2000 to people to take the jab and all his grandkids have lined up for the money.

He despairs at how easily people are suckered into thier own self destruction. And for so little. Trinkets. Just like olden times. . The government wants us out of the way he claims. I can’t teach them.

I bought Darrell some art supplies but after much excitement about how he was going to Make up new prints, his clocks set in wood burnings, table tops and then buy a good car…we’re back to inertia again. I think we may be in ebb rather than flow.

( later)

Just got a letter saying they are terminating my Medicare in May unless I pay 260 dollars a month. I’m already paying a big premium. But I will be 65.

The establishment is determined to kill me off. See what I said about criticizing the status quo propaganda. Or maybe it was my thoughts on far left in Minneapolis. Even Darrell admits I have no future, that what I say is true.

Move to senior housing as soon as possible. Then retire and work part time. I spent all that savings getting darrell set up and happy. ( use’m up and throw them away). DUI and car issues took the rest. Wish I’d stayed in Bellingham at Lincoln square. I was all set up for retirement. It’s going to be a really tough and lonely road from here on out.

https://twitter.com/joeroganhq/status/1491441203686309888?s=21

2/10

A good morning. Pancakes and cheesy eggs. The weather is thankfully warming. God how I hate winter. Except for turtlenecks. And sweaters.

Biden says the administration will be giving out free crack pipes. That’s on par with handing out 2000 to take the death jab.

Where’s the outrage about this insult?? Now they know what democrats really think about the people they supposedly champion.

Feels good to relax for a change, listen to music, do crafts.

2/13

Feeling pretty good this morning. Watched the Super Bowl with darrell and went out for home made Chicken dumpling soup. Old St. Cloud culture had its merits. Meat markets … there’s still really good meat markets in central Minnesota and they compete with each other for the most signature sausages and jerky. Never find that in WA. Also church breakfasts. Every Sunday some parade has a big feed, with sausage from thier chosen meat market. ( I like Richmond sausage myself) also Boullia.

A soup that’s made st Holy Spirit and unlike anything else.

Did my madd panel class Saturday. Apparently Minnesotans also top the list for repeat drunk drivers.

They don’t have beer and wine in the supermarkets here like the Northwest, there’s more bars and more liquor stores.

It’s a different drinking culture too. During the long winter months there’s not as much to do in many towns so working people go to bars. In Bellingham got out and enjoyed walks and bike trails more. People probably put down as much booze and crafts beer in the many small breweries as WA as MN.

White working class people were unhappy and resentful in both areas.

Any way. All of the MADD people, wether that be speakers, attendees or probation officers looked … either mad, profoundly disturbed by trauma, or calousedly indifferent. I felt for the speaker, who looked and sounded profoundly alchoholic himself, but others were preening thier hair, defiantly hardened, asleep, or looking beaten down. I didn’t like the collective energy.

I’m glad to be sober this morning. I get so much done, rather than ruminating from a position of defensive weakness or defiance.

Up early

.

Boring home photos of a small kingdom but that’s OK.

Was dreaming of Juanita. Dreamt that I’d turn around and see a screen shot on the computer, she wore an expression of rage, animosity out of character with her usual engaged and positive persona. I thought: I should capture that picture and share it, but I didn’t and it was gone,

Notes. This dream reflects something that was happening to me the past couple of years. People wanting to make me look bad waiting for a moment when I was mad, stupid and drunk or something and putting it on video and sharing it. Darrell did it. His son did it … in fact he set it up. He did that to Darrell too after buying him 100 proof. and getting in a fight. I threw them both out and Rory filmed this confrontation. Villianizing me( I was sober then).

At any rate this seemed to be a movement across the country by the woke generation and others. When the pandemic hit attention moved to other concerns than filming “ Karens”.

I have told Darrell that I don’t do these things ( film people) when he ( or Rory) were stupid drunk or angry. And I don’t, but the thought has occurred to me that I should.

But for what purpose. What would it serve. Except some attempt to Prove the Monstrousness of someone else to shore up my sense of righteous victimhood.

But the thought did occur to me.

As for catching glimpses of a rage full, furious, Juanita and thinking to capture and share it. This was probably a reflection of a conversation I had about Kate with Darrell and how she shows a face to me she doesn’t show her friends.

And, if as that say all the characters in one’s dream are aspects of self than the dream is also about my own capacity for hostilities, and it’s true, I have been troubled with jealousy whenever another woman took charge of Darrell and gave me a back seat. Like Andrea. She literally gave me a backseat and rubbed my nose in it, talking about taking darrell with her to India. Which actually sounds like a really good idea now, it would have opened his eyes to a lot.

2/17. Sad this morning. Feeling futility. And loss. Darrell is going back to South Dakota to stay with his grandson. Leroy will pick him up in the next few days. We are going to St Paul to pack up in the morning.

It seems he really hated living at Elders Lodge. I’m to blame it seems. Erhaps his love just plain ran out, Ivechanged I guess.

I thought it was for the better. I don’t drink these days, except for a couple of slips , and he wasn’t even here. I don’t get mad about anything any more. But it seems some life force ran out, leaving us feeling isolated, even when together.

Doing a lot of writing to avoid the pain. But I’ve tried. What was I supposed to do? Leave him on the streets of Bellingham?? My choices of residence for him were limited. I did apply for housing for him here, but he didn’t like the one place that had an opening.

He only Pays 200 for rent at Elders. He was indigent! What kind of spa did he expect??

I did the best I could. And he was here hanging out half the time. But it is better for him to be around his people. He isn’t ment to be isolator. And I can’t give him that.

He must have had some love, until recently, to stick it out to be near me. But he is right, it’s time.

He never did any dishes for me anymore, that’s how I knew he didn’t care anymore. I knew it during Christmas.

All throughout our relationship he had episodes of rage and made blood curdling threats, and everyone knows the drama of the times he tried to act on these dark drives. and that was always a problem and threat for me. Sometimes I ran away, like moves to Madison. Sometimes I tried to end it and sent him away. Most recently, tried to put a little distance and independence between us. He didn’t thrive down in St Paul and I spent a lot more energy running back and forth.

That art partnership I wrote of is painfull to remember now. All the emotional intensity of those days. The visit to Nothland visions tore me up … seeing those cards and feeling like those days are so long gone. He hasn’t done art in so long. He may again. when he’s home.

Neither Juanita or myself could coax it out of him here in Minnesota no matter how many supplies we brought, no matter what kind of environment we created. He had his own room here, but never did anything.

It’s for the best , it’s better than trying and trying and being villianized.

Soon I will be all alone. Dad will not live forever. Darrell gone for good. I will have no one to tend to. No one to tend to me as I get older and the choices for new starts dwindle.

What did they want? It seems it wasn’t good enough. Why do they confine me to nothing but being a joke in the end.

I guess it’s always been my destiny to be alone, unloved. I do better alone anyway.

Now I can listen to all my podcasts all I want. I say that with self sarcasm.

Darrell says eventually I can come to Mobtidge and live with him, once e gets settled. And what happens when he gets mad and throws me out, with all that clan support. It wasn’t that long ago I took him to the Rez and he tried to murder/ suicide on a quart of 100 proof. I literally had to dump ice on him to bring him out of shock.

I decided after adventures in Minneapolis and travels in 1998 never to be in living situation again I didn’t have the lease to.

( later)

Didn’t sleep. Sun is coming up. Darrell still sleeping. Listening to news about the Canadian truckers to catch up. The more I learn about Pierre Trudeau, the more I appreciate and admire the Truckers. I didn’t understand Canada it seems, thinking it a once admired liberal utopia with health care, some ice road truckers, lots of great Coastal Indian art, and hockey players. Of course I knew there were many Chinese and many Siehks, having lived close to the border in WA, and I knew about the terrible sins of the Indian residential schools, but I didn’t know it was as filthy, or filthier with pedos in high places than the US. Listening to Stew zpeters gave me something to think about. Especially the sexual indoctrination in the schools. And Truedue being one of the worst promoters and practitioners.

I’ve had my issues over the years with the Christian patriots. And they continue to have ugly issues with me ( we’re going to squash you Like a bug. )They get carried away with predictions of apocalyptic future in a good vs evil Christian framework, with only themselves as survivors, they see themselves as the white hats at war with the forces of satanism and demonic energies. They can be prone to hysteria, witch hunting, fear and paranoia about white genocide among. Other things but… thier reporting and research is spot on in comparison to the mainstream. Lmost all of the things they were saying that have been labeled conspiracy theory have with time been shown right, and they are fearless in the quest for free speech in the face of brutal censorship. And they are the only ones really doing this.

I mean, it’s good that they choose a moral course, and much of what they say about the destruction of society and family by Marxist and globalist forces seems to be true, and I perceived that decades ago, but Conservatives aren’t purer than the left. Pedos are rampant among conservatives too.

( later) home from St Paul. We cleaned out Darrells apartment. He was determined never to come back. I spoke to the director and she told me Darrell was well liked and she couldn’t understand it. We finally persuaded him not to give up his place while he scouts out S.D. I will cover the rent for a month or so. It’s been a stressful and emotional day.

Friday

I’ve been played for a fool again. He played on my emotions and I think his intent is to try to move back in with me in St. Cloud Cloud. If I won’t put him up, then he’ll go on the streets here in St. Cloud. Then everyone feels sorry for him and hates on me and blames me and seeks ‘ getting ‘ me good for it. Then I get defined as a ‘ terrible’ person. That’s classic Spottedhorse coercion and manipulation. What he did in Bellingham so successfully. Work the crowd from Street level. It’s what he does best. It’s blackmail.

Everyday I encounter a narrative that was fashioned by him, and people covering for him, most of it false. It upsets me a lot, but I’ve spent so much time already trying to explain what really happened to no avail, peope prefer thier titillating dirty stories and the idea that I was made an example of or shamed. This idea that I was put on display for the world. That it was deserved. That’s projection on a terrifying scale. It’s all projection. It doesn’t hold up as rational under scrutiny, but people prefer their narrative rather than admit to thier participation in ‘a madness’ as it was referred to .It was a organized plot. Some one or some people continue to feed a false narrative and work the crowd so to speak here in St Cloud. It’s only recently that I’ve discovered what’s afloat.

As much as I hate to address this AGAIN. I probably have to. But to tell the truth makes a lot of Minnesotans look bad, because of all the collaboration it imply. And that makes them mad, makes them hate on me. because to tell the truth imply that masses of people were cruel and stupid in their response to what happened. That they were and are still willfully taken in by people who Know how they tick better than they know themselves and how to activate it to thier advantage.

2/19

Feeling better. More resigned to never ever having any space for myself here in Minnesota except for brief times. The financial drain and physical drain on my body and spirit have been crippling. Just work work work. I’m everybody’s negro. I can’t sustain it. So I’m doing what’s easiest on my wallet and energy. Not fighting my exploitation . Giving up hope of being karen on my own terms. Having controll and choice in how I live my life. Vaguely hoping darrell will indeed take off for SD as he planned to see his great grand kids.

I should have left here when I planned to. When I had the funds. Before the DUI. They keep delaying my sentencing and even if I do zoom court from a different state what about probation? And fines?? Do I have to be here for probation?

Why are they keeping me here??

2/20

I often think of just taking off and going to Euegene. But from what I hear, Eugene is no good anymore. I don’t particularly want to see old lefty aqaintances because their War was so brutal and personal and went on so long. But I could just shut that out and do my own thing. I’m thinking about climate and expenses. What about Corvallis?? Or even

Newport … nah, if your not part of the arts circle there’s not much there, except the ocean. I don’t particularly want to see old acquaintances there either and they are hard to avoid. I’d be shut out of participating in anything.

Well if I hang around here I could be selling flowers this Spring for Thurstan and I can dig that. and it’s within walking distance. Also fruits and veggies outside copper lantern. Also within walking distance. And of course hats a few gigs in the summer. Nice retirement gig. Then I can go… some where. Maybe Arizona in the fall. Maybe swing by Colorado

Canada really cracking down on protesters. Protest spreading throughout Canada now and around the world, Austria.

Bank accounts frozen. Dogs 0f jailed protesters impounded and killed. So there’s emotional blackmail. Seems to be popular.

Biden making it sound like freedom is a ridiculous and dirty word. Or menacing. Trying to equate it with killers.

I just heard that ‘ green shirts’ have been deployed. Need to find out more about that.

I’m heartened to see the way that people are rising up to make thier voices heard, in a sane cognizant fashion in the tradition of Martin Luther King. .

All the ‘ madness’ I wrote of years ago was discontent in its infancy, immaturity and short, close hand sense of threat. It was an instinctual development from liberal Stalinism and excess and contempt for the people, the whole culture of witty shallow mockery of the masses. And the ridiculousness of PC culture gone too far. Alex Jones began to focus that and it gradually over the span of two decades became saner, more cognizant and intellectually respected.

2/20

So o fucking depressed , silently enraged. Not feeling any liking for Darrell anymore. I so much want my apartment back but he keeps making threats to go on the streets here if I don’t let him stay. He hasn’t made any definite plans and I can’t talk to him about it. He never has a plan. He rips everything up and it all falls on me. This is how things turn to hate. How can he do this terrible trick, play such a evil trick. If he wants to see his kin why doesn’t he just go. Or at least tell me his plans. Once he goes, if he goes, I don’t think there will be any further contact. He killed that in me. This will go badly. I told him if he goes on the streets here he will alienate me for good.

2/23

Things calmed down. Not so emotionally upset. More resigned. Also remembering that Darrell is old and not in good health. Maybe he just wants to be near me. Feels safe and understood here. Life is so short. People are gone forever too soon. We should just enjoy this time now. Just accept it.

Day off , at last. Shoveled out from the snow storm and now resting, at last, the first rest I’ve had in weeks. Maybe I’ll read and play the violin. Take Darrell on a walk.

2/23

Had good day off until my intoxilock crspped out. Made apple pie and meatloaf and relaxed. But when I went out to go swim the intoxilock wouldn’t work. I had to tow the car to Granite city to get a new one, all out of pocket. Tired now. Darrell will indeed be taking off to Soyth Dakota soon.

No point in getting my pantys in a bunch. It is what it is. He’s being very nice, cleaned my fridge, even dishes.

2/26

Looking and feeling truly old. Despite swim and yoga.

The elusive mouse who thus far evaded all traps died today . Darrell accidentally stepped on him. It really was an accident. Only the night before the mouse felt safe enough around Darrell to sit right in front of him in a befriending fashion. Darrell was always good with wild animals. Then he squished him. end of story.

( later) Darrell, mousekiller , is on a roll. He bagged another one that came to sit by him. He threw a shoe. No accident. He set out the mouse for me to see, proud as a fat puddy cat.

Well. Maybe I can keep my home cleaner now. The losing war on mouse shit was bumming me out.

2/28. There’s still a third mouse about but this one is avoidant. I’ve appointed Darrell mouse bounty hunter. 10 bucks a mouse. Make that Lakota magic work in my favor. 2 mice is a bag of weed.

Did a thorough house cleaning today. Visited dad and cleaned his place, did his laundry. Made some Toby’s tofu pate, did some yoga and am feeling no pain . A rarity.

I had the oddest insight when I was doing the Lion pose the other night. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror with my tounge out and I thought it was a demon. Or supernatural spirit.

Today I needed to use an atm and the closest one was at the liquor store. Almost as soon as I approached that urge to get fucked up was overwhelming. To sneak a pint home.

But I was afraid of that place. The energy so unlovely and sick, the weird guys at the store… and I asked myself: why. Why would you want to destroy consciousness, good relations with people, become ugly, become ‘ one of them’ disappoint Darrell during his last days here, and I was afraid. I said no silently to that demon face I saw in the Mirror. I was proud of myself when I got back to the car. Not the kind of victory that many would applaud but internally I felt it was significant.

Strange insights , glimpses of another level happen when I begin yoga in earnest. It means I’m in a stronger place psychologically.

Here’s a thought. These are the filters of patriarchal interpretation. Demon equals evil . Maybe I’m catching glimpses of mother Kali in myself. Fierce nature, neither good or bad.