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Late August 2019

8-20-19

A few minutes before i put on a dress and bring snack trays to my father’s 91st birthday party.  I just posted two videos . . from different points of view about the squad press conference.  No one knows better than I how dishonest , and worthy of cynicism the far left can be inpursuit of its aims  . . especially here in MN, and Im a causualty of that, but I am approving of the way they brought the realities of the Isreali/ Palestinian issue into conciousness here in America . . . I hope it inspires some significant debate and challenges the incrimental shut down and increasing penalty of dissent on US Isreali policies.  It is brilliant.

8/22

Very blue. I should not have gone to that party.  I felt phoney and judged . Although everyone was gracious I did overhear some comments, and see some hidden supressed laughter .  I dont know if this is new business, if there’s been some renewed “the truth comes out at last”  or if its very, very old business that theyve finally become aware of.  Perhaps my political opinions didnt sit well. But then . . . why did my uncle ask me my opinions on current events.  I was glad for Dad’s sake that this party went well for him.  But I was left feeling pretty worthless.  This family has always judged me as so.

I had a little brandy when i returned home. At the liqour store I saw two Musli women in Hijb parked in front of the liqour store. That struck me as peculiar. Muslim women dont frequent liqour stores. I thought perhaps they had driven some one, but no one was in the store.  Perhpas they were doing Map Quest, pulling into the parking lot to get their bearings??  Or make a call?  Or . perhaps i was being tracked?? I had expressed some strong  opinions in my (supposedly private) 2019 St. Cloud journal, which is a loosely structured narrative of the things that led to controversy in 1998.  According to stats it has had no visitors . . but there is no privacy any more, everything can be hacked by interested parties.

I swear one of the women was a dead ringer for Omar. Our congress woman in the news.

I took a tumble on my bike and spent some slightly paranoid hours ruminating on possibilities . . .wishing I could escape and leave a cold trail. Wondering if i was in danger.  I watched West side story and that cheered me up . . . things have not changed so much. Gender roles perhaps.

Ive been losing it lately.  I did so well under pressures all Spring, now suddenly Im alientating everyone with my goofiness, and messaging when i have a few.  Not angry, just goofy thinking. Tryng to be positive and friendly, but i feel so very sad these days. Like it is all useless. Like my days are numbered. That this bit of peace will not last long.

8/25  The nearly suicidal depression and despair and feelings of being messed with, put down, debased despite all my efforts to reach out to others, tht feeling has passed.  I am eager this morning to live, to work out in the garden, excited by small things. I found a bunch of large tomatoe cages i can use for compost silos. I have some weeding to do, some bird feed to get, some string for the weeder, I have a peach cobbler to make for Dad,a swim to get in, a letter to get out to Darrell.  I slept the night in the den, with all its tobacco and sage scent and woke to sunlight streaming through the curtains . . .and a sense of peace and purpose again.  I have much to do in the the next few weeks.  I intend to avoid opinionating on current events . . . too many tell me it’s entrapment, so i can be demonized ( once again) and then  isolated as too ‘toxic’.  Don’t take the bait i hear.  Don’t be set up . . . i ought to be an old hand at this, and truthfully it’s my own fault if i fall into it.  My script is not going to be re action to the powerfull, or people in my life that dissapoint, do and say things that are destructive or hurtfull . . its going to be celebrating the joy of now. Enjoying the joy of being a joyfull karen.

8 26

wow.  I had one hell of a dream.

I was looking after my Dad, who was in a wheel chair. We were in fairly nice accomodations, with a court yrd gardens and fountain.  He kept rebeling and running off.  At one point I was over looking the courtyard from the shade and the Native  actor Zahn McSomething or other came up behind and began to strangle me.  This was real in the dream. But he stopped short, although he continued to keep me in a choke hold. There was some woman with him .  He pointed out this pillar in the garden I was looking at. More like a oblesk.  he told a story about how this had once been a totem pole, and this area a sacred site.  he said that people would have visons there. As i looked at the pillar I saw its veneer disapear and i saw Japanese artwork.  I told this to  Zahn, and he and the woman scoffed.  They admitted they had made the whole thing up and that dumb white girls always fell for that mystical shit.

Notes.

Wow.   There’s a lot going on here. But i think Ill save my insights into the interpretation untill later.

Wow.

8/29/19

Luna said if i felt like I was being tracked I should have fun with it. Come over and hang out at Golden Gloves. Oh crap, she’s hanging out with boxers . . . Luna said they need some one to mind the kids, that i could just use the excersize bikes if i wanted.  I see a kind of hope in this . . go over to golden gloves, which is next to the liqour store.  do some aerobics and send the kids Im supposed to mind over to the liqour store for me.  What a plan!!

Back to dream.  Oh boy.  Well , it doesnt take genius to see the symbolism of the pillar / totem pole. Classic phallic symbol.

Pillar may have to do with ‘pillar of society’ .  So what Zahn is saying is that the pillar is a recent veneer. That the site was far older and where the pillar stood had been a totem pole.

The setting of the dream suggested a mediteranean villa.

( Rome?)  . Promted by Zahns history lesson I begin to see the veeer crumble and Japanese art and writting  apear. This may be prompted by listening to a recent Graham Hancock lecture on the older civilization he is convin ced was wiped out by cataclysm, and then shared by the survivors with hunter gatherers still living.  And of course, it is the hunter gatherers that survive catyclsim best.

The pillar of course is Daddy.  The totem pole is Darrell. Now why am i being strangled.

Darrells nick name in Minneapolis was ‘the strangler.’ He had a rep for choking his girlfriends.  Lavonne confirmed an incident for me she witnesses.  I was choked by Darrell in Seattle, altho my memory is sketchy.  badly enough that my eyes were bloodshot and I was very hoarse and sore in my throat.  There were also suspicions of his his involvement in other incidents in the North West.  All this is known to FBI, who chose not to persue this, rather cover it up.

Strangulation could also be interpretted as ‘shut up’. or censorship, silencing.  Zahn probably represents the Native Independent film that was lossely  associated with Sherman Alexi. They certianly did not like one bit my coming to Bellingham and the way i wrote of our life there.

Watch “‘The Five’ react to freshman Dems blasting Trump, Netanyahu” on YouTube

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August 2019

8-4-19

Relaxing, watching Ramy on Hulu which is delightfully funny.

Still in shock over the cancellation of my WA Facebook account.

it’s been messing with my sanity, my thinking. My resolve. My spirituality. Acting out.

Lavonne stopped in last night and asked me to go to the fair.  But I’d been sipping some blackberry brandy and not wanting to go anywhere.  It was the same ol same ol.  She called Darrell and Dallass gigalos and cussed them for not standing up and being men.

Calling Darrell a gigalo is a sideways slap at me too . . .The blackberry brandy had me too mellow to get mad or speak my mind. It’s actually rather funny . . . . I mean Darrell is NO player. He’s a 67 year old , partially paralyzed , very ill man right now. Does she know that his arthritis , and pinched nerve in his spine have left him without any sensation in one leg and very little in the other. Hes uses crutches and a walker.   hes been like that for 15 years . . . gigalo  . . . really.  She came busting in here to tell me that??  It’s kind of funny actually.  It is a somber , serious situation for me though . . .and no one really cares or understands, except perhaps Luna.

If Darrell is picked up again for DUI  it means prison.  It could mean a long stretch in prison. That’s no place for the best in him.    If he goes to WA he may die of exposure.

If I bring him here, I could die, or experience some form of very damaging abuse.  Luna is the only one who knows what I am trying to weigh . . as i hold onto the past in this souless, emotionally bleak desert of my current life . . . .weighing safety, concern, suspicion, My love of privacy, wariness, love of Darrell. . yes love, and anger at the long smear and all the evil that went along with that, the whole sick vendetta thing.

Gigalo.  Some people.

(later) decided to make the trip to Standing Rock tomarrow. It will be 88 degrees . . and thunderstorms around 4 to 6.  My luck . . .I’ll get hit by lightening. I really dont have the cash for this if my car breaks down. And i will need to sleep in a motel. But . . .I dont have the cash for blackberry brandy either but i do it.

Why??   It is the most terrible feeling in the world to feel expendable, unvalued, abandoned . . and Darrell must be feeling these things.  So i will make the trip . Because to me, he is not expendable and he is a valued human being. Trouble.  But valued.

We are all part of the divine. He was in my life for a while to teach me something.

Went for a swim today, made up dinner for Dad. Bought some mums. Many topics on my mind tonight. Farrell’s analysis of the boy crises fueling all the shootings.  My recent communication with Derek  about ZOG. And other things . . but it will have to keep untill i get back. I make note of it  so it isnt forgotten.  I need to get cracking on some personal writting i started too . . . theres not as much time left as i think.

8-6

4 a.m. coffee and potty call and I am on my way.  Actually I am not living in a bleak and souless desert. I have a rich inner life, I have learned the inner resources to creat my own peace and happiness . . . most of the time.  I don’t envy or compare myself to others.  usually free of resentments.   Im in a much better place,pschologically, than I was in the past.  Still have some work to do coping with external aggression, especially unexpected aggression.  Life is as rich as one makes it in any environment . . of course some environments are more favorable than others . . .prison, definetly unfavorable, as are poverty, oppression, definetly bleak.  But even in poverty Darrell and I had fun in Minneapolis, enjoyed the lakes and the Mississippi. And in WA, always .     Here . . if life is boring well then its because Im not exploring options. Not taking classess, not painting, not going to musical events, or county fairs. Not meeting people.

Well. Im off on my adventure now.

8 8

Home now.  That was a very expensive 15 minute visit. The car was a real trooper. Cant say that my presence was cause for rejoicing in Standing Rock, irratation maybe. But I came to see Darrell not win popularity contests.  I wasn’t there long. Arrived in the afternoon. Booked my room at Grand River where I ran into several of his fam members.  If Id hoped to slip in and out without being noticed it wasnt going to happen. Made the run up to Ft. Yates to visit w Darrell who looked very tired, weary and not very healthy, but his face lit up with a smile when he saw i was wearing the earrings he gave me and it was good to hear his laugh.  I saw mixed flashes of emotion , Then back to the casino where the fam gathered for a bit to play a few games, eat a few cheeseburgers . . my treat it was understood, which was cool . . I expected that, some laughs, some joking around, then I turned in.  Took off in the morning and was home again by 3.  Just getting away from St. Cloud and on the road was a treat. I so love the open road. And Standing Rock was beautiful , especially the road to Ft. Yates. I dont know if this was the brightest decision I ever made, but it was at least, brave.

The sadness hit me when I was readying to leave.

It isnt right,whats being done to me to charecterize me as contemptable . . .I never once cheated on Darrell, I was a steady support over the years.  All this ‘underground’ stuff as Darrell puts it . . .I wrote about it and protested it endlessly, its still going on and it makes me so sad to see it win. I know this will end badly.  There’s no getting away or escaping the malicious vendetta stuff . . .but all I can do is live my truth, from what I know was the core of my understanding . . . .  because something tells me I may not see him again if I didnt.  There was much good between us over the years too.

8-8

recieved another letter with many cartons from Darrell.  All of them, in a style that repels me.  A letter full of commands; what we are going to do when he gets here. How he wants these drawings up on the wall.  Truthfully, i find them hideous. he says, predating my visit, NOT to go to visit him because no will put me up.  its true . . no one offered . . .but they wanted money for sure . . no. I let nostalgia , a clouded mind, get the best of me . . .blinding me to the reality.  I must shut the door.  Asolutely.  i so wish wish i could find an intellegent counselor . . but i never, ever connect.  it will never happen. they b

never get it.

8/11

That sour and negative mood has passed. Darrell’s drawings , although very detailed are unusually disturbing carecatures.  Especially the one of the woman jingle dancer.  I struggle with my emotions when his style turns ugly.  Perhaps he is feeling dissallusioned with himself , his life or his people right now. Or, it could be internalized racism.   Standing Rock can be a sad place. The poverty is great, the options limited.  toxic gossip and infighting can spring out of nothing in places like that, just as they can in poor white areas.  Bellingham out did Standing Rock for sure in all that.  Non the less ther is great resilience in the people.  Theyve lived tough lives . They don’t miss much and are so much more atuned than white people to underlying energies and their weight.  They are a difficult people to brainwash.

Funny.  I had two whiskeys at the casino and I awoke feeling like Id drank a quart.  Either they are doctoring their whiskey, I got a dose of something or i was exhausted and it hit me hard.  Shoot. I can handle hard liqour these days with minor hangover. maybe just not used to whiskey. At any rate, no harm done, i turned in early and left equally early.

Well Epstien bit the dust.  Only the night before I’d been listening to independent media predict his murder, probably at the hands of Clintons.  Everything about it is fishy.  Everything.  Only the day before a ton of info had been released implicating some very powerfull people.  So there were  lots of people who had reason to off him.  Moussad, for example, if indeed he was an intellegence assett. Or WAS an asset. Ive been reading some reports that the Epstien case was just one of many, the tip of the ice berg. That anything could be so nefarious shocks some people, but not as many as they would think among us deplorables.  Things are a lot different than they were 20 years ago.

There is even speculation that there was a switch, and some evidence that lends that believability,  the mismatched ears in photos of Jeff alive and dead and so on . . .but i don’t buy it personally. hes no use to anyone alive. But i might be wrong about that . . . .  He can still sing.

I was listening to jake Morphonios the other night after he’d spent an exhaustive day researching the released docs on Epstien. The trafficing story that unfolded was awfull . . .jake started to ramble on in exhaustion about his financial crises  . . . his rambling tends to turn some people off. he needed to just go to bed.  But I know what he’s talking about and it makes me sad that all these friends, who actually have something to say worth listening to . . . are one by one being demonitised, censored, given strikes . . . .I hate to see them go.  Even Bannon supports free speech.

El Paso . . . well, I ll save that for another time.  It seems to me over the years that when the elites are under attack  and resentment from minorities and others as they are right now with the gentrification issue( not in the news)  . . .( and i saw this in Minneapolis years ago) they try to turn the focus of the underclasses toward the Neo Nazi enimy. Not to say, the shooting wasnt real, that it was false flag to push an agenda, I think it was, even though a few things have poped up that raise questions. And of course it’s terrible and tragic for the people involved.   But almost immediately after the shooting, legislation went into effect for return of  involuntary commitment for mentle health issues.  This is big time stuff and it passed without ore than casual notice.  I personally believe that the use of pschotropic druge is linked to many shooting incidents and this something to be feared rather than promoted. John Rapaport wrote extensively and is probably the best authority on the realities of the pschiatric industry and pschotropic drugs.  Involuntary commitment has a history of abuses and horror. it can be used to silence people, to get rid of dissidents or simply people who have become inconvenient . . it was one of the things the feminists talked about a lot in the 60s and 70s. And now that laws against speech are being put into motion . . . and with these new pschiatric illnesses being invented, what was it called . . something like dissident something or other, it means activists can be involuntarily diagnosed with ‘mentle illness’ and involuntarily treated, with drugs, and detained if their views are considered outside the esablishment. This is very dangerous stuff that just got swept in quietly in the aftermath of El Paso.  Like the old saying goes; never let a good crises go to waste.

As for Trumps rhetoric influencing unstable individuals  to violence . . .

Only to say that a movie about the Elites hunting the deplorables as sport was about to be released, then cancelled due to the high emotions about the mass shooting.  And Trump is the only  one who is inflaming people to take up violence???????? And the left did not do the same to me, have they forgotten what they did???? Do i have to keep writting about it??

8-14

Sun is up and i have much to do. Finish my sewing projects.  Slept well.

My car has a flat. Funny, i took the magic bullet all the way to Ft. Yates and back on a shoe string and a prayer. I must have been watched over.

Then i get home and run to the grocery store around the block and get a flat tire.  It mirrors my internal energy.

I think there was a combination of things that were beginning to dissiasociate me. The disabling of my 17 year old FB account and trying to rescue pictures . . . and these are wonderfull pictures , full of unusual life and energy and love, no one responded to them when i posted albumns.  That left me with the eeling that who i really was had been wiped out, not just my place, my job, all my stuff in Bellingham . . . but even my memories.  But of course, it is still a part of what drives me internally. My drive to Standing Rock was impulsive, unwise, but i felt i needed it to restore my sense of identity, to restore balance, to gauge for myself what was going on with Darrell and how we stood.  It strikes others as something” she just doesn’t get or learn” . . as if i was required  to internalize the matrix of people here in St. Cloud.  Play by their rule book in my private life. And i do play by the rule book.  Too much.  At the price of identity and soul.

Well . . . I have much to do today. Excited to finish up my aprons . Must fix flat tire.

8-15

payed Travis 30 bucks to give me a change tire lesson.  Have to get a new rim. Tire is still good.

Dad and his sisters are having a birthday get together Tues. Not crazy about going through all the social protocol required for Egerman family events . . . but here’s the bright side.  Ill be the only daughter there.  The last event was so dominated by Kate, and she did a good job of orchestrating things, but here is my chanch to put together some nice treats if i want to. To make it my baby.   its making small talk I  dread because i can’t say the kind of positive things, the funny anedotes required . . .if some one asks about my life I might just end up telling them the truth . . and no one would want to hear that.  It all depends on how much energy I have for bullshit and play acting.  And truthfully, i think my presence would make them uncomfortable  too.

8-19

The spare tire went flat. I have a few people I can call for help.  I will order that rim today. meanwhile I am on bike.  I went for a good bike ride last night and it restored a sense of happiness , cruising through downtown and seeing whats going on, taking my time down leafy bouvards. Did my swim and felt good last night.

Well I must get a snack platter together today and bring it over and tommarrow i get to attend a birthday party for my Dad, with his sisters and their husbands.  No way I can weasel out.  Laughing at work about spending the evening singing stupid old songs with old germans and wether my stories and anecdotes would be “German family appropriate”. Luna and i had some laughs about ‘German family appropriate’ protocol at these  family events. I could go either way . . .let them have it, as Luna suggested, or dress up and show them i can do it, do the  educated, upper class protocol thing when i want to.

Truthfully, they are a bunch with a good sense of humor, unlike the steriotype. And mostly liberal. Musical.  Talented.  Educated.  But they dont make a lot of excuses for people who dont suceed.

But whos family doesnt have its issues. Even Dereks family was haunted by a father’s suicide.

Was listening to Amy Goodman last night talk about Isreals decision to ban two congresswomen, at the urging of president Trump, who seems the last person to condemn others for racist language and ideas. This is a deep subject.  Only to say for now that my respect for Amy Goodman went up for her willingness to criticise this.  Is Isreal going to ban an icon like Amy Goodman now?? Can you imagine??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am feeling good today . . finally.  I went for a swim. treated myself to a burger at Jimmy’s.  Now I want to do some sewing.

 

 

 

 

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