July 3

3 07 2016

July 3

Did not sell a thing at the market.  I was set up next to the Bernie people. Still fervantly sure that they had a good shot at winning the election. They talk so heatedly about getting rid of this person and that . . .state politicains they ‘hate’.  i dunno . . although I like a lot of Bernie’s ideas . . .free tuition for example . . the money has to come from somewhere . . and i wonder if it isn’t really sort of a Ponzi scheme  in reality.  When told that Bernie was talking about endorsing Hillary they were practically hysterical.  He can’t do that to us.  The tone of the whole thing left me feeling horribly depressed . . .as i remembered how they bragged about getting rid of karen not so long ago . . bragged about how it was coming along . . . if i were a really vengeful person i could set up a meeting with those politicians and report what i heard,trade info on what was is still is being done to myself . . .trade it for exposing these tactics publicly.  Nah . . . .  .   Im not too crazy about these representatives myself . . . .I guess ill just have to accept certian things.

July 6

I really need to sleep so i can withstand the marathon overnights ahead . . but i did something to my leg, the ciattica nerve is throbbing and radiating pain all along the left side of my body and tylenol isn’t helping.  My lungs hurt too . . on the verge of a cold, or perhaps another asthnma/bronchitis episode.  Seems like Im always sick, or in pain with something. this ciattica thing may  keep me from working . . . I have a client that need to be repositioned every 2 hours tonight . . . I might really injure myself or her.  If i call in that’s not a good way to start off my first shift alone . . . it’s no use, Im just breaking down.  I will never be healthy, happy, attractive ever again. Went for a swim but i think that’s what triggered this.  or aggrevated it.

Went with Darrell to his friends place over the 4th and we did some fireworks.  nice to get out for a visit and drive. It’s good that he has good friends now that help him alot.  He’s known them for quite a while and they have a lot of respect for him because he’s done so much over the years to help them out and others who are poor, homeless, marginalizied.

July 7th

Down time on my overnight shift.  Now I get paid to check facebook and play my computer games . . it keeps me awake for emergencies.  Made it through the 13 hour shift . .. plus 3 hours of transportation . . . Im feeling much more comfortable with this.  Ive got a variety of clients with disabilities ranging from Celebral Palsy, dementia, autism,dows syndrome, and sever diabetes. Ive already become attached to some of the clients. I talk to them like adults. They ARE adults craving real conversations.   One of them has some incredible behavior problems and is going to be a real challenge . . but if i could handle Darrell when he was drinking this should be a breeze.

I was having some doubts about whether i was tempermentally suited to this, and wether i had the capabilites to be responsible  but I did all the right things, researching my clients and their needs, routines before each shift. I said i was going to do this . . and i ment it.  Im so glad i got myself out of the rut i was in. it’s not a glamour job . . but at the personal and spiritual level it it a good thing . . and I can continue to aqquire certifications that will qualify me for other stuff down the road.

Lynden is a Dutch town.  They have miniature windmills everywhere and many of the store fronts are done up in an Amsterdam look. They have a Dutch Bakery with pretty decent pastries.    The trees here are big.  There’s lots of parks.  Sure is a lot different from Bellingham.

I too am starved for fun , thought provoking conversations . . .perhaps i will swing down to Newport on my days off.


(later) People upset, some of them, about Hillary being let off the hook, no criminal charges.  I think Lynch was threatened with blackmail.  the Clinton foundation is a spider web for money laundering and all kinds of things that is connected to a lot of prominant people, all of whom can be blackmailed and threatened.

Sunday 7-10-

“Arch-Globalist Hillary Clinton’s no-prosecution, the recent exit of Britain from the EU which torpedoed the unchecked advance of Globalism, the current Presidential campaign which features a candidate (formerly two candidates) attacking Globalism as no major candidate ever has before—all this suddenly fades from public consciousness in the specter of the Dallas shootings—the racial conflict that has been decades in the making—made in America, by Globalists, for the express purpose of Divide and Conquer.”  John Rappaport


and then there is this . . . .


doesn’t look like the work of globalists . . . i don’t know what to think . . except that it is not what it seems. These things usually aren’t.


Feeling good again today . . . Was feeling bad about a lot of stuff . . .but I got Darrell’s t.v.service started up again for him . . .and he is purring.  I  also bought him a d.v.d player and a collection of Andy Griffith dvds.  He’s still crabby and com[plains and is perpetually mad at everything . . but that’s just the way he has become.  It may be stu[pid to spend money on the guy when he has done so much stuff that has caused me emotional upset, social denigration . . .and all manner of stuff . . . . but it keeps him happy, and it’s almost like to old days when we were so much more affectionet.


Got a letter from BHA threatening me because i did not fill out an income change report. My annual recertification papers were handed in last month and so any income i aqquire now will raise my rent.  last month my classes and time were paid for . . 75 hours and i was technically an employee although i was not working .  Last week was my first week on my own on the job.

I still have not heard from the state yet as to when i take the state test. That was my main objective . . to get that State cert. Now I am in deep shit . . . . have dug a deep hole for myself . . . .that paid training adds up to a lot of hours that will set my rent rate for the oncoming year . . i may have to pay a lot of money in rent now so any extra income i am making from employment (only 25 hours a week) is not going to benefit me at all . . in fact, it may destroy what stability i do have because it threatens my social security.  I took the training because I wanted it under my belt so I could work independently. . with my Mother in the future or perhaps Darrell . . . but that bubble burst into reality before i was even out of classes. I also needed some cash quick because i had gotten into debt paying out money for Darrellwhen he was on the road and almost lost his apartment.  No thanks for that.    he has had his hand out big time since I got my first check . . every day he wants 10 or 20 bucks . . and of course the social abuse continues, how i am no good  . . etc . . . . if i complain about the muzaska then I must be ‘hateful’ or a bigot.  that’s the way it has been for years and years.  They laugh at me in Indian country . . for being so weak that I continue to be bled, used and abused and disrespected.  For becoming so subjegated.  But I did put up a fight . . . and look what they did to me in Madison . . . they forced me back into the arms of all that . . . they demonized me and tried to cut me off from the mainstream so i had no alternative but to accept this situation.  then they brag about it.


I know . . it’s up to me to set boundaries.  quit blaming others for my own inability to just say NO.  In the past however saying NO ment a campaign of disparagement at the street level that percolated throughout my community and resulted in vicious attacks every year that were reflected in the media . . sometimes several times a year.  So i consider the musaska an quic and easy way to maintain a little peace.  I always manage to keep afloat but one of these days this ship will sink . . a missed rent payment and then . . no one to help me.  No one who truely cares about me.

The irony is that my parents act like this job I have now is some sort of great achievement. It’s not.  I have no illusions about that.  They say they are proud of me . . at last, and my mother talks about how good it feels to do things for other people.  Like the past 15 years i wasn’t doing things for people in a big way??  Now I am acceptable to my parents . . . like they could not be proud of me when i played second chair second violin in Brahm’s fourth? when we did Beethovan’s 9th back when i lived in St. Cloud for a few years.   They couldn’t say one good things about me when I managed to get to Madison after all the shit, all the trauma i went through in 1998, and hold down a union job on campus . . that took a few brain cells, to get myself tucked in safely there under all that shit storm and hold it down.  That was not dumb .  But there were people hell bent on having me removed . . oh those terrible cartoons i did in my late twenties, it was pay back time,madison it turned out was a major marxist indoctrination center, and that cash crop had to be protected.  i was a troubling presence, even when I kept to myself and just did my job.  There’s a lot i could write about this . .( and I am seeing now i lot of what i saw seeded then ) . . . So I got squeezed,made an exit, and then fell back under the same old shit . . . . what i am doing now is dumb, in comparison to what I was doing 1999. My survival instincts and courage , and compassion as well were much greater then than now . . . i was a better person, a stronger person then . . . now I am a weak person, not a strong one. But i am acceptable . . . at last . . and the vicious attacks have stopped.  I finally have the praise of my parents.

the one good thing to come of all this is that my folks were really bragging me up to Kate when she came to visit them . That’s a reversal . . and it gives me a little smile, a little chuckle to think of her having to take  an unwelcomed snootfull of praise for karen.

(Later) . . .Falling into a bad mood this morning? In resentment mode?  Nothing like being hit up for cash from all sides to bring out mean thinking . . but sometimes when i talk caustic like this . . as much as it makes people mad, it’s closer to the truth.  But with all the black lives matter tensions, the accusations of terrorism or intentionally created racial divide . . . .why add to the stew.

Truthfully . . it is my resposibility to set boundaries, and if i can’t,or won’t,  that is my tragic undoing . . and the root of most of my problems . . . most of the time i know this. Sometimes i just want to get mad . . . . oh yes, there was plenty to get good and mad about.   If i dole out too much to Darrell then i get sideswiped by ‘rebellion’ or resentment i don’t even realize is there and I go out and drink or spend irresponsibly on myself  . . . am i afraid I will be all alone if i don’t dole out for his weed?  he will ask as much as he is allowed . . he spent most of his life having to hustle and he is a hard core hustler for sure . . .in his world, that is no no great flaw . . getting some one like me to give him a little musaska . . . I dream sometimes of having some one that really cares about me. That will do things for me, look after me when i am sick or lonely, anticipate my feelings and needs . . but Ive pretty much given up on it and i certianly don’t search for it any more.  Got to take care of yourself in this world.  people will respect those who have their own.

Everyone seems troubled by the recent shootings in Dallas.  I have lots of thoughts on this . . . . but I prefer not to comment. Not at this time.   My opinions are of no importance anyway.   I work with a guy who used to be part of the L.A.P.D.  We talked about these issues and he gave me a lot of inside perspective.  He said that the Rodney King thing actually turned out to be a good thing because it forced the department to get rid of some really bad apples.  he talked alot about the peer pressures of being in the Police force . . if you don’t go along or refuse to beat some one you aren’t trusted.   I also have my memories of  Minneapolis . . .and there’s much running through my head right now.  I never witnessed any police brutality myself but i saw the results and heard the stories from the street Indians.

I wonder if the recent spat of t.v. mini series  and movies about the brutalities of slavery could have excerbated this.

Thursday 7-14

My rent has been raised by 200 dollars . . and i was threatened with eviction if i ever failed to report a change in income within 14 days ever again.

One of my clients is making me miserable . . not only intellectually disabled but extremely abusive as well.  I don’t know if I want to deal with this. I watched one of my co workers handle her and i was impressed with the way she could sooth her . . but for some reason this client doesn’t relate to me and my interactions with her amount to non stop tantrums ,nasty  verbal abuse and sometimes self abuse.  i stay calm and professional but the truth is I don’t have the loving, caring temperment needed to be a sucess with some one like this.  I am a distant, rather cool personality . . I care about people but i am not personally warm and effusive.  Perhaps it’s just not my calling.  My co workers say I am doing great . . my supervisior says she is getting good reports . . but this client makes me feel like this just isn’t my calling.  I get on fine with others . . but Im just not ment to deal with challenging behavior or shizophrenic  acting out behaviors. I don’t have knack . . or truthfully, the compassion when it comes to these kinds of clients.  I guess no one likes working with this client.   Maybe the elderly?? i try to see it as a learning experience.  a test.

Darrell continues to hit me up for money every day, despite the hundreds I’ve poured into him this year.  I tried telling him I need to hold on to my cash . . . save up and get a few things . . . but he doesn’t care.  so i feel like Im dealing with difficult and abusive personalities all the time.  My little bubble has burst and i am kicking myself for taking on this job . . it has really screwed up everything that was pleasent in my world.  I may lose my medical insurance too.

Why, why does Darrel expect me to dole out so much?? he must know that this will lead to strain and rupture.  Im so tired . . and everything is depressing me.  I want to go see the ocean . . do fun things . . . . . is this the ‘karma’ everyone seems to think I deserve for ‘all the things she done’,

However, I feel like if I get angry with Darrell and confront this then my life will be nothing but wiping butts, and having schziphrenics throw cereal at me or try to beat their own heads.  Im a good person but i have been so denigrated . . by the media and street tactics . . that no man would be interested in dating me, nor can i forget ‘what went down’ out here, what went down at the national . . even global level.  i would however, have enough cash to do some fun things on my own . . . and so what if i get evicted. No . . that’s nothing to be cavilier about . . . .


Bug treatment day!!  Have to get the birdies over to Darrell’s place. A woman named Ruth went on the attack on Darrell and I only a day after doug hassled me about not reporting income . .She started threatening me,because Darrell parked in the wrong spot, threatened to have me evicted. And she tried, dragging us to the office.   She was screaming; you know better, you think the rules don’t apply to you . . and so on.  Then Darrell got mad.  Just like the old days . . always being threatened by angry people because of something to do with Darrell . . . I never understand why i get sideswiped with attacks like this . . .I know, Doug has a rep as to qoute another tenent as “a little prick’ and Ruth is just plain vicious on her verbal attacks on other tenents , not just me . . . . but the history of these attacks has left a huge unhealed wound with me, and when they reoccur, it causes me such blinding pain and anger . . yes, i know, i should have reported the job change right away . . i did remind myself, yeah, I better do that . . . but i was preoccupied i guess . . . no doubt, Ruth heard some gossip about Karen (again) . . . and the way it goes around here is that there are some people wgho are activated by anything, who go into hate attack mode at the drop of a hat . . it escalates . . .this little world here at Lincoln Square is notorious for that . . . only, I really thought all that stuff was behind me.

then if i get distressed and say anything . . it’s MY attitude . . . . or if I withdraw and turn it inwards . . . .

On a better note.  I got along really well with my troublesome client last week.  Am no longer doubtful or depressed about it.  One of my co workers gave me a LG tablet and that was such a nice gift it has really made my day.

I need to quit journaling.  That’s what fuels the troubles . . it doesn’t matter what i write about, some one will always find something to get mad about . . . proof of wrong thinking.

Wednesday July 20th

Got a good nights sleep and feel pretty good this morning.  Cleaned up the apartment, watered garden and plants, brought groceries to Darrell’s place. Restorative actions . . and restorative relaxation yesterday.  We went for a drive out to Lummi over to tribal images and Darrell sold an original drawing for 50 bucks . . not much, but it wasn’t framed.  So we shared Indian tacos and kicked up the music on the way home.  I bought ‘Hail Caeser” which was a riot . . .what a clever and amusing movie!!  I loved it.  Kicked back to Queen of the south, Turn, Outlander, Mr. Robot . . some of my favorite shows.  I dropped in every now and again to the Republican convention . . . I can catch up on that tonight on my down time.  I saw enough . . Christy’s speech . . .wow.  Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.  Clinton needs to be locked up??  And he is Dudly Doright??  This is really, really , really crazy . . why are politicians tapping this kind of energy, harnessing it . . . it’s so dangerous to encourage, to validate that kind of pschology.

http://www.infowars.com/video-bernie-voters-hate-HillarJuly 27


Donna is back in town.  We are on our way to Lake Padden.  I had internet installed at my apartment and have been having fun on Darrell’s old lap top, catching up on u tube documentaries and the latest on Hillary and the DNC.  I was terribly depressed a few days ago but do not have the time to explore it now  or any other topic.

(later) it sounded too good to be true and it was.  He threw me out of the car in a bad temper fit before we even got out of Bellingham.  So much for nice, normal fun at the lake . . . those days are gone. They will never happen again.


Ran into Carol James outside the silver Reef a few days back . . . Darrell had picked me up, unexpectedly from work and we stopped for gas.  She was recently homeless.  apparently 43 familys (according to Carol) were kicked out of Lummi housing when traces of methamphetamine were found on the walls.  As long as I have known Carol I have never known her to do drugs or alchohol.  She is a Lummi Matriarch that both Darrell and I have respect for . . she beat an alchohol addiction many years ago and she has given me mch wisdom and insight over the years about Darrell.  We have not seen her for a long time . . I offered to let her stay at my place and so far it has been good, harmonious and great to have an old friend to talk to.  Donna and her boyfriend were staying at Darrell’s place but they cleared out last night when they finally bought a truck and a tent.  It has been busy, shuttling between making meals at both apartments and feeding5 people on no money and little groceries.  But we managed.  yesterday, I did the market and did well.  We had roast last night.  Today, I snooze and watch episodes of the Borgias on my tablet while Carol and her daughter also catch up on much needed r and r.  I can’t seem to get the sleepiness, the tiredness out of my bones this weekend.  it has been productive . . bridge building rather than reactive .  So, I am back to my my snoozing with the Borgias .  There are worse ways to spend a Sunday.  I don’t want to think about Politics today . . we chewed it up a bit this morning.  That’s enough.


bummed out.  I cannot find my wallet. The last time I remember handling it was pulling out some bucks for hamburger . . and then later, a few bucks for Darrell.  The only other place I went was the YMCA yesterday and perhaps it fell out of my backpack in the locker room.  or some one went through lockers.  Carol and daughter left early Monday morning.  It amounts to theft . . wether at the YMCA or at home . . . I just can’t believe that Carol would do that to me. It just doesn’t seem to be part of her character as I’ve understood it over the years . . but how well do I know her daughter??  Darrell yelling at me and saying it was my fault and he doesn’t want to hear about it . . . . as if to say, your the dumb ass that tried to be nice.

I can’t get groceries today as planned now.  That really makes me sad.  I have to go and cancel credit cards and everything.  I searched the apartment over and over  . . . .keep hoping I misplaced it.  Funny how quickly communal energy that is good and energizing can turn to rancor in an instant.  Darrell being so hatefull now when I really need HIS help . . . . it feels like the whole world is trying to pull me down.  I really don’t know why this negativity always follows any good thing, any assumption of good will, trust  and friendship in the community.


Have a spare drivers license, s.s.card, and birth certificate so Im O.K> I.D wise.  No funds were withdrawn yesterday on credit.  Non the less, i cancelled my bank card and food stamp card.  It will be over a week before I recieve replacements.

Seems like the Kahn incident has dealt a fatal blow to Trump.  It was brilliantly executed, I’ll say that much.  Why were all the half ways decent human beings like Rubio weeded out by the American people in favor of this travesty?? If that is what American white men truely identify with we are living in a scary country . . and Hillary . . . . .heard another conspiracy theory the other day . . . this one about how she ordered the gathering of DNA samples of the heads of state in various (mostly S. American) countries.  Dna can be studied for weaknesses to target . . . tailored illnesses ect . . . . and this is credited to the deaths of several South American leaders in a short period of time to cancers . . Chavez for example, who had cancer in the groin, supposedly from treated underpants, courtesy of Hillary.  Sound too fantastic??  Maybe.  But not beyond the realm of possibility.

Comcast i see has been hit with a huge lawsuit for millions here in Wa for deceptive practices.  I’ve been crying around about comcast for about 10 years and i truely believe we can’t even begin to fathom the deceptive practices.  i believe they have been contracted to allow spying through their comcast equipment. Who has contracted them?  How much of a pay off??  There were rumors years ago that Al Gore had huge shares in Comcast . . . I haven’t researched it lately . . . but from what i know it all leads back to the Democratic party and their controll of media and entertainment.  Certianly i was aware of spying, connected with my comcast equipment as early as 2007.  it sounds like a form of mentle illness . . and it’s ment to . . but i was being played with by some invasive, ruthless and perhaps pschopathic or at least indifferent people . . . .little clues would appear, visual or audio to let me know when a private conversation of behavior was being observed.

At any rate.  It was not a gentle . . let’s mess with Karen’s mind a little . . a little harmless fun as some people like to see themselves . . it was a major, major, psch op.

And dumb shit here took a long time to figure out how not to feed it. How to shut up with the drunk confessional stuff . . the long trips down personal history . . the self examination.

At any rate, it does not matter now.  it’s no longer important or of any strategic use to anybody now.  People may think ive gone a little crazy . . what is surprising is that i remained as sane as i did.

I’M still feeling like something nasty is going on right now . . . that there is some effort to pull me down . . and i don’t quite understand the dynamics.  Why so many people seemed to be pulling a ‘nights of Cabiria’ on me.  That’s kind of how I feel . . . like that chick in Night’s of Cabiria , , fucked over again.  Even Derek . . . wondering now why he even tried to get in touch with me . . i was kind of wary when i saw that . . what does he want . . . but i opened the door to conversation, only to have it shut.  Aw . . . . .up to their old tricks i guess, trying to get you to think about them so they can slam the door again . . . there sure have been alot of people like that in my life. This time however, it did not take up much emotional space . . because a corner of me kind of was prepared and guarded against it, emotionally.

I think I may go find a man counselor.

Went to an employees meeting yesterday . . a grief processing session for a favorite client that recently died.  I have to admit that these are genuinely good people Im working for and with. Not just righteously good . . I mean genuinely kind and caring and humane. The way Christians are supposed to be.  Lynden is a very Christian town.  They had strict Liquor laws and Sunday laws. It is tempting to charecterize it as a sort of Stepford wives community . . .serene, charming, lots of flowers . . and those oh so rich Dutch pastries . . .babys in their strollers everywhere . . and to think that it is a bit phoney.  And Ive seen a bit of that in the past . . . i remember when there was that controversy about the casino . . . and the hysteria of the ‘wrong element’ coming with the casinos into Lynden.  Women were lined up in protest with these babys in their strollers like a picket line.  wrong element?

Bored blue haired ladies from Canada?  The mob?

But the people i work with have impressed me.  They’re not faking it.  that’s the real puzzlement and revelation for me . . . they really aren’t faking it.