may 2014

3 05 2014

may 3rd. 2014

A Rainy Saturday. Exhausted from trying to keep households in order. Maybe the job is too much for me. Im in pain a lot and it exhausts me and slows me down.  I am so enjoying the joy of the outdoors in all this fragrant blossoming, jasmine and lilac warming in the rain washed warm air. I am taking time to enjoy Belliingham


The future of my relationship is very much 9nmy mind the past few days. At a deep level i am feeling despair, even as i rejoice at getting my new camera and being able to shoot again. I may not have anything of significance to shoot. Except hats and beadwork and life in Bellingham in general.P5090040

I was biking past planned parenthood the other day. Outside was a group of pro life protestors carrying signs as they often do. A fellow from my building was walking by and started yelling loudly. He was yelling;
“It’s not going to do any good!! If you keep on looking like a whore.Blah blah blah ” Something about either me or the pro life church women prompted this attack and i wondered who he was yelling at? I was wearing a blue sweatshirt and jeans, a short haircut and no make or jewelry . . not very revealing, no sexual signaling going on there that’s for sure . . and the pro life church women are the most unlikey group imaginable to be accused of looking like whores . . what the hell?? I found it funny in its ridiculousness but a little troubling too, there’s so much irrationality in my building and it reaches attack proportions over and over again . . Ive never encountered anything like it elsewhere,except Madison.

Well there seems to be a lot of people mad at me for my take on current events lately. i guess if i dont join the outrage over Sterling ( or Leonard Peltier before that) Im a bad person again . . a hater who needs help or something. Well, i stand by my observations . . as a society we do go after high profile people for their words . . .and it does go overboard. In private conversation there is, as i pointed out lots of bias and insensativities everywhere so this targeting of specific people does seem to me hypocritical. i guess the thing about the Sterling case is that he’s not a nobody, hes a guy that owned a team and so has to represent the NBA. What he says is going to affect recruitment, sponsorship and everything. I actually don’t have strong feelings about the Sterling thing . . just passing observation. i decided not to journal about a lot of things, including Darrell and that leaves me without much first hand subject matter . . only observations on things in the public arena . uif i don’t write about Darrell then i am not writing about the presence of love( or loss of) in my world and that makes me feel empty. Im trying to look at it as a new start . . . Im looking into something impoverished in myself if i cannot find subject matter that does not bother some one. Why am i not writting about the eco system?

A good day today. a wonderfull day. I was rather distressed the past few days but everything wa in balance today.
I had some veal I got at the food bank and dispite my hesitancy to eat a calf that wa kept in a small cage, motherless and joyless for its brief life I decided not to waste it, feeling like I had compromised my ethical sense. Then I soaked it in milk and the thought hit me that the mother and calf were united in death . . when they were deprived of nursing in life . . and it seemed like such an ethical inversion, such a perversity . . I could see how the dietary laws of the old testament got started. perhaps we make ethical choice in everything we do, down to the smallest thing it has significance. Too easy to say, it doesn’t matter.
something I saw on the internet brought home the same question for in a hugely emotional way. A woman posted her abortion on utube. She made it look like a joyous birth celebration . . another inversion . . . almost like a happy event, an empowerment.
it gave me such a visceral feeling of witnessing psychological evil . . I was shook up about a topic I usually am not emotional about.

Sunday. May 11,2014
Dipped into deep depression Friday and back up again after a great day at the Farmer’s market. Lots of people were there and many people stopped to talk. The side walk was filled with innovative artisans and artists trying their hand at setting up. To the left of me was a couple of guys who made big pointy, gnome like felt hats with all kinds of swirls and designs. I traded for a nice crystal and some good Pakistani and East Indian food, and a pretzle . Nick and i chatted for a long time about local music. he had been in the choir for Beethovan’s 9th,a symphony i too had once played in. Now all my bones hurt in a big way and Im in real pain, but its O.K.
Friday, after a brief prctice session with the violin I burst into tears, especially when I looked at the time lapse photos Itried to take.
I sobbed and sobbed. Taking up the violin again seemed like a a cruel hope as i remembered how i was years ago.
karen with violin

How i followed an underground stream full of passion in those day!karen in late 80s with violin I remembered how I once put everything I had into Brahms 4th, feeling absolutely drained but exhilerated when i finished. Brahms 4th was who i was and where i was at that time, the culmination of what had gone on before. Now, i was an old, fat ugly woman with no animating passion, nothing that drove me . It was as if the soul had been killed.
( we DID it! WE DID it!) The brain had no energy, no fire. What have they done to me. what have I done, or allowed to happen to myself!!
My good, what have they reduced me to.

O)nly a few minutes before i head out to work. Beautiful weather. Had fun on Saturday with friends at the market.
Nigeria is in the news but no time to write on it.
as for other stuff . . . i guess it’s “ON” again. Had that talk, was reassured that i had nothing to worry about, just let it roll off my back . . just people trying to hurt me . . let itgo in one ear and out the other i was told. it will come back on them. Glad i finally brought it out in the open .the usual tempest in a tea pot I suppose.

A lovely day. Worked in the garden. Saw Glen Beck on t.v. last night . . I had to laugh at the change of image. Remember Beck in a white nerd shirt and black tie in front of a chalk board?? sort of a Dilbert the office nerd and Micheal Douglas in Fallin down composite? Now he looks like a college professor. The salt and pepper beard and sweatered look. Wow.
Friends assure me I am not a fake person but quite the opposite . . .nor a hatefull one . . . they see me as down to earth, honest, pragmatic, generous to a fault and perceptive, neither driven by greed or power or a need to control others, happy in their own little world, needing very little , loyal to friends and tough that way.But without the ability to sift out and process bad friends, bad people for me ( at least according to Carol) Of course . . then there is what my enimies say . . but does it matter? Are they people I want to hang out with? The answer to that is no. No way in hell. Do I want to be like them? No way. do I like myself?? and the answer to that is yes. So does it matter?
I will pull out the violin again today. I was pretty stressed, wiped out last week but perhaps I can really get into it today and have some fun.

May 16
Casino day!!
I’m not a big casino person, but its fun in small doses. I know when to quit and never loose more than 20 bucks. My casino strategy is play until your about 20 bucks ahead then go get some of that great food, then come back and play . . that way if you loose the rest you don’t feel too bad at least you got a really good dining experience out of it. I want to go to Lummi because of the seafood, and because they have a variety of little cafes and restuarants and gifts.Nooksack however is a lovely bus ride through the country to mountainous Demming, to a samller casino that caters a little more to the Canadians (most Chinese) that come across the border to play so their menu has more oriental stuff for lunch. Lummi however requires a bus transfer in Lummi and that can be a pain unless we can get a ride.
Casinoing is good for social purposes, and friendship purposes. it’s kind of like
going to the Oscars . . everyone notices how your looking and who your with. It sends a message. And then . . there’s always that chanch that one could actually win, but I never count on it , that way Im never disappointed.

Back to crap weather.
And speaking of crap . . just watched the second episode of Salem and disappointment doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling I had. There’s much to say on this but I will have to hold that thought until I have a bit of time. On the way to the pool.
My hopes are up today . It may be the day, after more than 10 years, that the fatal trespass order is lifted against Darrell. After many attempts and pleas to have it removed I finally had Adrienne, housing case manager through the opportunity council write a letter of recommendation on our behalf.
She wrote such an excellent letter that I can forgive all past miseries I went through last year if only, if only we could end this discrimination that was the starting point for years and years of tough and secretive living and much dysfunctional street rage. Adrienne has a lot of clout . . but what is the reall issue wa,isolates control, they wanted to fuck with hurt and control because we lived by our own rules then. . . and Im not alone in perceiving this . . .will they cease to do this now? it remains to be seen.
I noticed that Move is going after the Koch brothers big time now. Because the Koch brothers keep a relatively quiet profile a lot of Americans aren’t not aware of how much influence they have in conservative politics. So Move On has decided to run a smear machine and ‘expose’ the Kochs so their name will be as familier to Americans as mine has become when they ‘finished the job’ and made me look as toxic and controversial as possible. Some one told Racheal Maddows ( on the air)regarding this campaign against me, that it was the worst smear campaign in American history . . and her reply was ‘we did it because we could’
Now if they can do that to me . . I have no doubt they will destroy the influence of the Koch brothers in about as nasty a fashion as is imagianable. and I have no doubt as to the effectiveness of this.

It’s amazing that there is any comradarie at all between Darrell and myself after the twin evils of left wing smear machine and housing authority discrimination over the years..
Its to be said as a character strength of the Lakota that they don’t pay much attention to that stuff,public ‘shaming’ and shunning, what people are labeled . . if they like somebody they don’t let anyone dictate the terms. then again . . . if they decided they don’t like you . . same thing in reverse.

Tried out a new A.A group. Took me forever to find it but I am glad I did. This one has a wider flavor of people and walks of life, both old and young. It is a beautiful day out and I am tired out from the walk. Got my household in order and much yet to do.

Monday morning 4 a.m.
slept from mid afternoon untill late evening . now up early. No word yet on wether the tresspass order is lifted. I dropped a message form by requesting a response but i don’t want to pester them or it may swing negative.
yesterday was Ski to Sea, a marathon event accompaied by street music , vendors and festivities. i would have liked to have gone but i spent the morning helping Carol perry clean her house up. she’s a busy woman and hardly has time for all these tasks. It was fun to catch up on girl talk, everything that’s going on out in Lummi world . . and she paid me decent but i was too pooped to poop when i got back. brought a couple of steaks over to Darrells place and then went home and went to bed.
Today is swim day..
Salem. That awfull program on t.v. . . . i want to get into it but it requires digging deep and it will fuck up my day if i start out on that note.
Only to say i consider Salem wtitch trials to be too serious a subject and the way it has trivialized to avoid the questions that ought to be remembered about human pschology and the dynamics of hysteria is sooooo very, very wrong. this show supposes that real witchcraft existed and that evil women were indeed at the root of the puritan hysteria. This scares me about the direction of our society and what has become acceptable and what has ceased to be unacceptable. Truthfully, trivializing Salem witch trials is sort of like trivializing the concentration camps or something, like hogans hereos was , or F troop to the real questions that ought to be asked about human capacity of madness.

Plans to go to the Portland Pow Wow around the 15 or 16th. Just waiting on confirmation. Looked into tee shirt ordering this morning. Didn’t find any bargain basement sites yet but there is one that has quality tee in good colors at about 9 bucks each using a full color design of Darrell’s . His color cartoons would sell like hot cakes but the most we can afford would be about 15. of course the price goes down the more you order.And if you make tees in a single color.
Im excited to be planning this trip with things to sell . . perhaps we can make a trip to eugen or down the coast of Oregon as well!! that would be so great. I feel kind of funny about going to the Pow Wow after the recent bout of negativity but that is exactly the thing to set things right again . . its all how you look at it. I have missed doing this sort of thing.