a ffew minutes before work.
Darrell was planning to go stay with his grand daughter but received message that shed lost her house and her husband had been jailed. I think he was disappointed, he’d wanted to cut loose a bit. But he wisely acknowledged that he might very well end back in jail once he was coaxed into drinking.
There was incident with Rory. I guess he ran into trouble in n Minneapolis and had a gun to his head. Messing around where he shouldn’t I guess. Darrell relieved multiple requests to rescue him which he was unaware of till the next day. We had a talk and I had to.be the hardass about him bringing possible gang related violence with him to my home. Darrell knows this danger but of course he cares for his son. Yes I feel angry that I even have to deal with this. But its a shot of reality . if Rory were killed I would be blamed for not offering him refuge. I would become victim to anger and rage. That it was me coming between fathers helping out his son. My fault . . . which I why I had to be brought back into this dysfunctional family . . . to be the scapegoat. Peace and dignity is something I will never be allowed to have in Minnesota. That’s not what this is about. Its always been about the hidden violence. Everything else is a farce . . . the Egerman family protocol and inclusion . . .all of it. It always was about patterns of hidden violence and exploitation . mysogany. And a rabbit hole th
( later) no time for that train of thought. Let Max Eagan explain it. At least open the window.
Darrell to his credit has chosen to protect the nest. He knows. Rory has other resources than my place . . . its symbolic I think with him. He can always call his mom if he’s in a jam and get a western union to take a bee line home or wherever. In about an hour. I can think of.many strategies to avoid getting hunted down . he could for example buy a half pint wait a half hour and check into detox. That’s three days of protection. More if he plays that game into treatment or placement in a number of places. If I leArned all this stuff I’m sure he does too.
besides one shouldn’t be playi g gangster if one always expects rescue. That’s probably why the big boys are warni ng him.
I’ve been surviving a lot bigger fish than that bullshit. And ill be damned if I’m go I g to be intimidated by.Minneapolis street stuff.
12/8
Feeling much better. Went to the doctor and got steroids for remaining asthma which cleared it up. Looks like the issue with Darrell and son has been cleared up . . .one of Darrell’s grandsons has a house that he offered to both Darrell and Rory in Wakpala.
Ive been feeling very depressed about a number of things. However, I remain in good spirits at work and have fun there.
Dad and i went to the Cherish the ladies concert last week and that was nothing but joy.
12/16
Thats me
coming home to find Rory and Darrell’s stuff almost packed and liqour bottles all over the floor . . . knowing that when they returned they would be drunk and there would be crises. And there was.
Darrell returned with a huge quart in hand, couldnt even make it up the stairs . . . saying he didnt give a shit about the no drinking condition here, one we;d both stuck to for the month. Only the day before id given him his birthday presents, a new warm jacket, a shirt and a hundred bucks for his trip. We’d gone out to breakfast. The sadness in the picture is the realization that we alnost ended this visit on a positive note that left the door open for future visits.
But Rory and Darrell had decided differently. Was it a final fuck you?? An attempt to leave some pain, conflict, in the wake of their departure? I noted that some one had used a lot of aresol on the back staircase . . . knowing Rory and Ashleys involvement with meth I assumed they had been smokng in the back staircase. I really felt violated after all the goodwill id extended.
What transpired after Darrell returned was a disaster. He started calling Rory a little shit and Rory in turn returned the insults and made Darrell feel stupid . it quickly escalated into a terrible physical fight.Both of them landing punches, darrell trying to choke rory, Rory throwing him off and me calling the police on them. Not before rory turned on me . . claimed Id never apologized for falsely accusing him of taking an earring and claiming he was the victime. He even yelled at me about my apartment . . what a dump itwas. He was threatening to slash our tires for being so mistreated. Then, He wanted me to give him and ashley a ride home but all the chaos happening and the cops arrival I didt want to leave. Darrell was taken to detox.
I talked with rory the next day, ad he still proclaimed innocence . . . that he hadnt been drinking and that Darrell had attacked him. I let him know I didnt want him coming over again . . .
Things were gentled when Darrell returned. he acted like nothing had happened. Like the teddy bear he had been. The tears began to pour down and i told him how i felt. Betrayed. because everytime he brought a large quantity of booze in here he ended upp hurting someone and so his action was intentionally harmfull. Some one could have gotten killed. Rory after all was carrying a knife.
I worked on a sewing project this morning untill Rory arrived. I spoke my mind again . . . after I finished my project. Told him that meth was the big issue for me, his using and selling it. of course he denied it. I told him he cold not stay here over the evening and that the sooner they alo went on their road trip the better. Blaming my ‘negativity’ they cleared out rather than ‘put up’ with that bitch.
That bitch had had 5 cop cars over here. Had to bear the brunt of Rorys bring his selling and using energiies over here . . which is invasive to an extreme.
I do not think i will see Darrell again and no one knows how deep my sorrow is. There will be no more engagement between that family and myself but that doesnt mean its over. I suspect there will still be a sort of war or retaliation set in motion . . . and the bias of this town is so great that these guys are the ‘victims’ and I the aggressor in the public mind . . things always seem so reversed . . . and i am left terribly sad at the loss of the companionship i enjoyed this month untill Darrell went off.
12/17
I wake to a quiet home where i shuffle around in underwear again. I debate wether to do the restraining orders, knowing it is so very final and can be more incenderary than its worth. I was in such sadness and pain last night when i came back from work, no one to hug, no one to give me a back rub, no dinner to make. He left behind 2 flannel shirts and Ive put them on but that only makes the pain worse. Also thick socks. His room still smells like him, of patchouli, sage, tobacco.
Yet my asthma has ceased. My allergy to tobacco was a distress that made me quite sick for two weeks of his visit. I try to look at it as not so much losing a companion but gaining a shirt and warm socks.
I dont know how its going to go with Rory and Darrell living together in Wakpala but Im sure they will deserve it. Probably one of his kids will bust his windshield again.
I wanted to restore some of the ‘nest’ our retreat in Bellingham and the trythym we had there far from prying eyes and the enjoyment we had in simple daily life. But things have changed so much since then. Im not the same person . . . .im a shadow,stripped of so much I loved, stunned into a half life of work and conformity. Darrell does not have the heart ache of love hate he once carried for me. We are more like pals, taking a little comfort in familiarity.
None of the political and social issues here in charmless St. Cloud were part of our lives out West. the trump era . the unended tiresomeness of racial issues in MN. . and this imposition of the whole criminal and gang related stuff . . . what does that have to do with me, an old lady who makes hats. who spent her time doing the srtisnal thing for both of us.
I did the right thing in banning them, even if it means I close the door on
Darrell, our memories, all the investment in his art recognition . . . and we did have a lot of fun once, walking to fairhaven along the bay, driving almost daily to the Lummi shore line to sacred spots, even my bike rides down the hill to find him merrily partying i the park seem nostalgic now . . what i wouldnt trade for that life . . . to be walking through old town, how fun the Bellinghamdowntown could be. I even miss the damn fish plants. The stinky boats and bayfront. I traded that for snow and germans?? to be of assistance to Dad?? I traded our souls??
I could flee I suppose . . . trade my car for a suv I can sleep in and just . . go. Save myself. See the things Ive wanted to see . . the grand canyon, antelpe canyon, chaco canyon. Just photograpgh . . . with a camper truck or explorer or something we could survive, be alive, living and breathing in unison with a freer, life with spirit.
But i suppose things have changed too much.
I hurt Darrell a great deal when I sent him away with my car last year. He spent a lot of that year in jail. I think he planned the scene that played out in his final day here, maybe he and Rory both planned it . . . as payback. Oh that endless drama of endless payback. All the thumbs up of congradulations on ‘getting’ that terrible woman we ‘all hated’.
I am thinking too of all the Christmasses Ive shared with Darrell and how traumatic some of them were. Ive often wondered if his pattern of creating harm every Christmas is rooted in this trauma. I also wonder about the Christmasses . . or lack of them . . . in his childhood. The child in Darrell so warms to the lights, the Christmas trees, all the promise of presents . . . I think for him that promise was often not met. And there’s an anger in that child in him still against the guolf between the promise . . . and the stark realities of his pverty as a child. When i put up the tree , he put a sort on woodsman santa under the tree as if it were his special doll . . . he stared and stared at the tree and seemed happy. With actual prsents for him under it.
Before they left I brought out my basket of hand made hats and asked them to pick one out for themselves. They quickly emptied almost the entire basket. Quickl grabbed them all. Darrell had told me they were thieves, and to watch my jewelry. My response was i didnt have anthing worth stealing. I was wrong. I had hats.
i felt rather stripped fo what was unque to me, my own beauty, my ow creation. My own expression. The hats i realized then were not so much for themselves but presents for the little ones when they got to the rez. There was a time when i was glad to send clothes, hats for the little ones.
One Christmas in Bellingham, and we were sober that year, my Christmas present to Darrell was to buy presents for all of his grandchildren. We went to Fairhaven and visited the toy stores and other shops. Darrell delighted in the Sierra club birds that had their individual songs and bought several of them. I remember when we left the shop how there was a double rainbow over the bay and how happy we felt. As we wrapped them at the christmas table i remember tears came to his eyes . . . he had been unable for so many years to give presents to his grandbabies.
Then that awfull Christmas happened that shattered him, and me. Not our fault . . . but I dont want to discribe the events right now. Poor Darrell was kicked in the heart so bad and put on the streets, when he had reached a place of ( so he thought) acceptance. But ill write about that next time. It puts all the pain he inflicts on Chrismas into perspective.
12/19
On my way to the pool. Car is warming up. Got a call from Darrell, wanting to come back. I would have loved to have had him here if he hadnt pulled what he did. I could hear Rory in the background . If i relented, the same thing would play out. I think he will head to WA. Things didnt turn out in Standing Rock. They never do. Except blaming and riduculing me . . that part can be counted on. But then, thats true here too and elsewhere thanks to sustained hit job. but so it goes. They HAVE to believe that Darrell ‘exposed’ my true charecter, theyre so invested in it that to believe otherwise would require them to own a monstrous and unessesary cruelty.
Im feeling good this morning and may go down to holidazzle later.
12/20
fEELING PRETTY GOOD THIS MORNinG, despite asthma flare up and a swollen knee. Fell off the wagon a few days but did some swimming and am back on track. Brought Dad some poinsettas, he is in distress over the decline in both his hearing and sight . . . and i cant even imagine losing both. So i try to take him to concerts and things while he can enjoy them. We were going to go to a choral concert but i was so very sick those two weeks.
Another call from Darrell, who is at his daughter Bunny’s place in Rapid city. That’s good for both of them.
Nt feeling bad now. I am enjoying my peace and quiet. I realize, in a clearer state of mid how much I romanticise things in retrospect sometimes . . oh yes, there were those good times . . there was also a nightmare that played out among the street people there tht made my life in Bellingham a hell on earth, despite all the town had to offer.
Dream
I got on a train on impulse and went back to WA, It seemed however that i was acrually starting off in WA and heading north into Canada into British Columbia. The mountains were awesome and the change of culture exciting. There was some guy sitting near me who seemed to recognize me, he didnt seem to like me much but asked for a kiss and i gave him a pe ck on the cheek.
At some point in Canada i got off the train.
12/23
Dreams
Darrells car and mine were parked side by side in a parking lot somewhere in Minneapolis. I saw a black guy planting something in Darrell’s car. It blew up. Darrell took mie mine to ‘hide” it but I didnt know where. Then I had a miscarraige . . . a stillbirth.
Notes: Explosion has to do with Rory and Darrell fighting. My feelings that it was set up or ‘planted’ by Rory. In dream as in life, I emerged un hurt.
I am also thinking of how, when I returned home the evening they had their fight, I found the gas on in the kitchen, all the way up. In fact I could smell it as soon as I entered the stair case. I dont know which dumbshit it was that left the gas on but it could have caused an explosion, hurt or killed some one. The thought crossed my mind that Rory did that deliberatly. Ive never known Darrell todo something so caeless in the 20 years Ive known him.
Dont know the significance of the stillbirth.
Dream 2
I was in a play. It was going no where , I was tired of it and I wanted out.
So I did a shooter thing with some kind of water gun. Everyone dissapeared, in hiding I suppose, then I turned the water gun on myself and played dead. I was all sprawled out dramaticaly. Finally I opened my eyes to take a peek adn saw David Icke sitting at the bar with some guy having a beer. He looked at me strangely, as if he were surprised, taking note of me.
Note. The mock shooter scene and the way I was sprawled reminded me of a scene in ‘ the crying game.’ Wow. These are some dreams.
12/23
Guess who came back yesterday morning. These guys are getting habitual about showing up in the early moring at my bedside.
Id spent the evening in the ER with escalating pain in my knee. The exrayed the knee, did blood tests, checked for heart attack or blood clot . . . nothing. Mt blood pressure was very good, my blood flow also good. They said something about the ‘pillow’ in my knee probably beinng infected or damaged ad diagnosed me with celluitis. The inside of my thigh is a little red . . .doesnt look like celluitis to me, more like diaper rash but Im on antibiotics now, wearing a brace and using a walker. If celluitis is indeed the culpret of my knee ‘infection’ then that is serious indeed. Untreated celluitis is life threatening if it gets in the bloodstream. I still think its chapped skin from swimming or diaper rash.
Crippled Karen awoke to a Jolly Darrell by her bedside around 5 a.m.
I was too groggy to get riled up and hard ass. But Darrell sent Rory away.
Darrell was in about as happy a mood as Ive ever seen him. His visit to his daughter Bunny had been very positive. They went to dinosaur park and a concert. Darrells grandson is a cellist. Darrell was exuberent at the concert. At being able to be present. And so proud.
Im struck by the resmblance in this picture between clean cut Dylan and his grandpa. Put a ponytail and wisp of beard on Dylan and he is miniture Darrell.
Rory also sent a picture.
So I guess Darrell is here for the Holidays . . . untill January 1st he says. And boy does he seem happy to be “Home” He gave me a long hug and has been my ‘caregiver and driver. We had steak last night with baked potatoes greens , corn . We did a little grocery shopping, me in my shoppers cart zipping around and Darrell fetching groceries. People giving us funny looks,at me exasperated and disqusted . . well what can I do, I cant even walk and I need a helper. What am I supposed to do . . beat him up?? Call the cops?? Throw him in the snow bank??
Im concerned about my relationship with Rory right now. I can see that I have been cast as the bad guy. Darrell insisted that Rory not come over . . so by letting Darrell in, I am in essensce being partial and biased . . after all, Darrell was as much to blame as Rory. However, I have no choice. Alchohol is legal. Meth is not and I will not be criminally liable for that bullshit. I have decided however to get Rory a Christmas present as a gesture of good will, because it feels terrible to be rejected at Christmas time. I will get him a wood burning set for his art. He is, after all, a talentd artist like his Dad.
Darrel doesnt get one. He gets coal.
Darrell said he will take off for a while and visit again Christmas time. Now I find I will miss him terribly. He S been in good spirits affectionate and hasn’t done any drinking. Rory too, after testing boundaries has been o.k. now I’m alone again in a loveless , strip mined world.
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