December 2013

3 12 2013

December 3- economic slavery
I had been feeling pretty good the last couple of days and crashed into deep depression yesterday following a letter from my sister and an attempt to help Darrell pay his bills. He isn’t feeling well at all. They found that he had 3 hernias, one of them quite large and it makes him pick on me in small ways when i visit. I was very upset to find the cable bill , in my name, hadn’t been paid last month and he had no intention of chipping in but rather, wanted to spend his remaining money to Rhonda to come out and live with him.
I left and walked around town untill i ran out of steam. The anger bleed out and i was simply left with an overwhelming sadness and didn’t care about the damn bill. The real cause of the sadness had to do with family issues, his and mine . . and family’s issues are what get you all the time, especially at Holiday season when one wants to preserve that happy dream and excitement we remember from childhood. The excitement of buying gifts for loved ones, picking out that special gift is more fun than receiving . . but only if you have enough money and only if your loved ones are loving not indifferent, or selfish or actively negative and rejecting. That is the ambivalence that creeps into the Holiday season rah rah rah and creates the holiday blues.
I will have enough money . . . I am going to do some temp work in the morning, boning salmon which i am good at and don’t mind doing at all. A little hard on the back and shoulders after 5 or 6 hours but endurable. it has been over a year since i did any real work. I have been updating my resume and linked In this week, hoping to catch a partime Holiday sales job somewhere despite admonitions from Darrell that this will ruin my S.S.A for me the next time it is reviewed. But i expect that the next administration will not corral people into government dependence as much as this one, or at least not make it so easy and much of this ‘disability’ will be cut. i wanted to get some schooling before that happens but i need the money too badly right now. Darrell tells me i will be ‘debased’ if i try to do this. I should be satisfied with the good deal i got and relax away from public. he did not specify who would do the debasing. Was he presenting a warning or simply cautioning me that i would be badly treated in the workplace again.
there is a great deal i could say about this but i wont take up the space right now. Only to say that retiring into private life has increased the desires to debase, that impetus in society rather than protecting me from it over the course of this year. The workplace,some of them, is where i got a certain respect . . . or used to. At least at Trident. The East Indians were always respectful. People who knew the love I had for Darrell and the extent i went out of my way. Most of progressives did not even see the principle of love in action much less respect it . . all they could see, or look for was hate. As did the extreme right. THAT was what i wished refuge from. Only, having retreated to a private world, i found that that world turned on me in a scary way last year in irrational projections. The ‘cleansing’that sought to get in and destroy my private nest. And then the animosity from the streets and lummi following Darrell’s move into his new place and all the confused and toxic emoting he did in response to change before that settled down. Now my private space is in a sense’holy’ again, protected, quiet, mine at last . . and Darrell’s place is refuge and peace too . . .what is still an issue is what I must do to maintain this.
either go back to work, or follow through with what I must do to keep S.S.A. I don’t look at S.S.A as free money . . after all I am working as a caretaker for Darrell. Were i employed by the state to do this it would be equivalent to what the state is in effect currently paying me. So in a sense, I already have a paid job, and one that is needed . it’s a job that creates more community peace . Where as before, i was still caretaking Darrell, taking on a huge weight, and risk with the housing authorities at expense to myself. I had to work hard to do this. And find time to promote his art. Now I have the time and am in a sense getting paid . . only there is no more art. There is no challenge and no purpose any more.
yesterday, when i was walking around town feeling so blue and young man came up to me and asked to shake my hand and spread a message of joy. so one can’t make blanket statements about attitudes of ALL people.
and speaking of debasement . . . I checked through all the recent episodes of the Daily show and saw absolutely nothing about the Martin Beshir remarks about Sarah Palin. Surely that would be subject for commentary and satire but apparently not.
If remarks about economic slavery are so far out there, the comparison of national debt to the evils of slavery is just so ridiculous that it need be publicly’punished’ with such severity then why is everyone else on t.v. making the same comparison without . . pardon the pun . . squat being said about it??
I kept hearing the term economic slavery over and over again on some talk shows Darrell was watching.

Well I must go catch some sleep and leave this tale of private economic woes. I will need my stamina tomorrow.

Thursday
Well, i put in 22 hours the past 2 days and that will pay the damn cable bill. If I had any delusions about still being able to do work that is physically demanding this pretty much put an end to it. Back and Joints so swollen . . . but it felt good to get out and join the real world a bit.
I began this blog on word press a little over a year ago, shortly before I ‘retired’ on S.S.A and it has been a year characterized by depression, losses and pain. Also some significant changes. A whole series of things have happened to make me feel very bad, and part of the reason that spiraled so out of control is because there was no reality check once i stepped out of the workplace. Even before that, at Trident, there was a language barrier and few people I could talk to . . but my mere presence there was a reality check . people can say anything about a person without that reality check and it can spiral out of control without check . . but if a person shows up for work , they can convey something about their real self by how they carry themselves, how they work, how they interact with employees. They can also convey their thoughts and ideas about whatever is going on and that is a pressure valve for ones personal life as well as a true indicator of where that person stands on issues big and small.
In the next week I plan to make some appointments with the psch clinic. I need to do this to be in compliance to get vocational rehab, also it will go better for me the next time they review my status for continuing S.S.A. I no longer drink and they need to have that in paper so it’s no longer a factor that can be used against me to justify abuse or an easy excuse to avoid some other issues of significance. it will go better for me if I show that I am working through the steps of compliance. i can always throw the psch drugs down the toilet. I think Darrell is afraid i will present a different story than the one he has carefully presented via his social workers through the psychiatric outreach program. ruin his image. He has a couple of social workers in his pocket working tirelessly on his behalf, his charm with white women is legendary among fellas in the streets, in the know, he hasn’t lost the knack for getting women to do stuff for him. and it’s obvious they are winning in the war to marginalize the awful, nutty big bad ‘disgraceful’ Karen and push her out of the picture as much as possible. I have been grieving my displacement from my own saga and the way they have re written it all year. But I am going to need some help and i need to have some things documented and on record . . and its about time they heard MY side of the story, what has been happening to me emotionally, unbelievable as it may seem. counseling CAN work for you . . if you get the right person. perhaps ive just been unlucky to hook up with people who were abrupt and uncaring if not actively hostile.
I need to find ways to stay engaged socially, whether or not it is in the workplace or something else. That’s the key. I have the Saturday market and that has been a positive . . but its getting cold now. I need to get schooling. Now is the time to do that so i have to really set that in motion as my plan for 2014.

Monday
Feeling better. Got groceries for Darrell, who is still having major problems and not feeling well but being a trooper with staying sober. Visiting him is more like the way it used to be at my place . . I futz in the kitchen and Darrell prefers the backroom to watch his sports, almost as private now as it once was . hardly anybody stops by and the people that do are people who care about him. so different than it was a few months ago.
Those long hard hours at work really tookeir toll on my health, and thinking. it takes days before I slow down and enjoy living . . .stop listening to the ‘pain’ tapes.
Much to do today. Bought grubs for the birdies.
Watched two documentaries over the weekend that very much impressed m e. One about Nelson Mandela and South Africa rising, the other about a small town in the West Bank (Budrus) that resisted the route of the wall into their land with non violent protest. Both have energized me.

Wednesday
Hanging out at Darrell’s. Went to the food bank and brought back a bunch of stuff and spent yesterday cooking up. His stomach area is so distended
and he throws up all the time. He looks as if he were pregnant. He has a doctor’s appointment on the 17th but that is almost a week away. I tried to get him to go to the emergency room or a walk in clinic. Surely they can get him a truss or something for the nausea. I am going to research the web this morning and see what i can do to make him more comfortable

Saturday 12-14-13
Feeling happy in my myself despite everything.I accomplished a great deal this week and am almost at the end of my gift buying. My energies have been directed to much giving to others and this evening was time to give to myself. peace and quiet and solitude. Feet up. Music on. Both feel good. I’ve been trying out 70% gluten-free baking and finally seem to have gotten it right. Quick breads work better than yeast. I have been trying to help Darrell’s stomach discomfort by insisting that he stick to yogurt or rice milk instead of milk, coconut sugar instead of the artificial sugars he started using about a year or so ago. I have told him not to eat any bread for a few days until I can master the skills of gluten-free baking. I have made dramatic changes in our diets this month following a period of research into gmos and other issues that have convinced me that a big part of our health problems and weight problems and allergy problems not even mention attitude and mood problems have to do with toxic diet. Not as bad as many American diets since I make everything from scratch if I can . . but not as conscious as it could have been. I am feeling somewhat guilty about Darrell’s stomach problems and health, since I was the one who often cooked for him. Too often I made the things he liked( big breakfast with fried potatoes) rather than things that were healthier . . or I allowed him to eat the wieners, the sandwich meats and great quantities of bread that he did. But then, he’s a stubborn person and trying to confiscate his wieners and bread would have been useless. it takes a breakdown of health of life altering degree to make him listen. I have tried to get him to the emergency room the past 4 or 5 days . . intestinal distress of that severity is NOT to balk around with. people die thinking they can wait it out until their scheduled doctors appointment, which uis what he is doing. On Monday he will go out to Lummi for an examination and we are expecting that he will go straight into the hospital for surgery.
I bought him some winter clothes for his birthday Wednesday. Not as much as id like to but something. Buying for Mom and dad is a brain teaser. I sort of buried the hatchet, or the tomahawk in this case, with Y and wanted to buy some of her stuff for Kate and my folks but I’m trying to decide right now how to make my remaining money stretch and who would appreciate what. I ought to have this done yesterday but so much to do with putting up some decorations, getting crads ready, looking after Darrell. I think I will wait until after the market to make my decisions . . I might have a good day, the weather is good after a cold spell and people will be out. then again . . I’m in the social garbage pail again for some reason . . I’m assuming there was some demonization or put down via media behind this but I hardly ever watch the cable news shows that would allow me to really know. I have started to listen to NPR more when I am home, and that’s a good place to read the clues. it’s also a lot more entertaining and informative . biased, but informational.
All the people I care about are stubborn as hell. They all seem to be fading, falling or failing on me and are stubbornly resisting doing the things that may keep them alive. I feel as if I am losing everybody I have connection too all at once and I am desperately trying to reverse this. who will be there for me when they pass on ,if I make into my senior years. No one. absolutely no one. it is a very lonely future ahead if I live to see it. Or want to.

Sunday
No one was at the market, and the ones that were weren’t buying. I wonder if that gig is up now. There’s like this informal order going on not to look me in the eye . . . part of me wanted to laugh when I found out about this a while back. . I mean, in this day and age people are acting on medieval superstitiousness, afraid they will be contaminated with evil . American women are really advising this here?? Nothing should surprise me . . and i don’t worry about it too much because there are always people immune to this . . .or ‘haven’t gotten the word.’ yet. Still,
We have not heard from Micheal, Darrell’s friend for over a month now. His ex stopped and talked to us, said a body matching Mike’s description was found at a campsite but she was afraid to call in a missing person lest she have to go in to identify. He was one of Darrell’s positive friends. Nice person, and one who cared about Darrell and tried to help him out when he was staying with him.

Tues
Scored a queen sized posturpedic bed for Darrell from the motel next to him in return for helping out with cleaning and laundry!. When you set your mind on something it’s funny how things just come your way. He was so appreciative and slept better than he has in ages. His stomach was quiet . . .he’s still sleeping. Im thankful to the cool guys next door for giving him the bed and even bringing it over. Sometimes Im so lame, and then all of a sudden out of the blue I hustle something great, reel in a big fish.
We went to see his surgeon yesterday and the surgery is now scheduled for the beginning of January.

Wednesday
Dang!! Why do blog entries keep disappearing. A few days ago I was writing about loving karma. Why do things like that disappear?? And the mundane stuff stays put. I wonder if Im being edited . . or possibly just careless, but I seem to remember saving the entry.
Good dreams and bad. Back to having nightmares again . . I was hiding from a mob, wanting to make a break for it.
In the good dream my sister Lynn and I were hugging and being loving and reconciled. I have also been having clairvoyant dreams that cannot be explained.
I dreamt for example that I had the exact amount in my bank account that in reality I actually did. There is no way I could have known this.

Monday Dec 23
Cooked up a turkey with the fixings and had our Christmas dinner early.
Im not sure what the extent of Darrell’s medical problems are but he was tested for pancreatitus the last time he went in to see his doctor. he said something to me last night about them taking out part of his intestine . . but no more, nothing specific. My Mom went through that . . oh my gosh, that is such a painfull surgery to recover from. Good thing
we have internet and on demand set up at Darrells . Im going to be spending most my time here in January. I had fun on utube yesterday putting together some Christmassy playlists, including Native Christmas music. Browsed around a bit and found some of the tunes i used to love when I played the fiddle,karen playing violin
Silly Wizard , and O’Carolan’s farewell to music .

That brought back a flood of memories from a chapter of my past that was deeper, more soulfull, and more sorrowfull than everything that had preceded it much of what followed.karen at Newport Once I considered Silly wizard’s the fishermans wife lament MY song, it seemed to capture the emotions i felt haunting the clifss of Nye beach scanning the sea for the fisherman poet who had left me. There are many kinds of sorrow. Many shades of love, although love is love as active principle. Some things reach deeper into ones soul and rip it out by the roots.The door that shut on that chapter was shut on a chapter infused with nautural beauty, the life of the sea, poetry, adventure and love. And when i think of the shutting of that door it is O’Carolans farewell to music that seems to best express it. What the world had to offer me as alternative seemed soiled, empty, shallow at best, cruel, manipulative and dirty. A wrold charect34rized by the meaning people took from mundane social obligations and status rather than the full engagement of the spirit. people layer themselves with these things that block the spirit in and out out of fear . . because to engage fully in a sense of magic and wonder and oneness and naturalness is to risk being deeply hurt, to lose everything. I never read poetry any more. I tried taking a literature class in my late 20s thinking my experience would give me a greater appreciation, but instead it had spoiled it for me. The door had closed and the heart instinctively could not engage and when itried I ended up drinking a great deal and blocking this. that layer of alchohol increased like a constant buffer after that .
But this is now. Darrell could not be more different than Derek, and the type of love we have is so very different. Under neath the “truth” about Karen is a very different story line. I rarely think about that story line now, how one thing set the path that led to another . . .
how my experiences in Nye Beach allowed me to see the genius in Darrell when i met him that day on Hennepin avenue and make that leap, that commitment to take him under my wing and ‘show’ the NorthWest the beauty
I found outcast to the streets of Minneapolis. This I did. In it’s own way
it was a deeper commitment, a deeper purpose and loyalty, but far less romatic than my hours grieving on the sandstone bluffs of Nye beach.
In it’s own way it took more courage and chalenged me at a deeper lever. and now we deal with the love that is between people in the twilight when adventure is ended and failing health and reconcilling oneself with ones relationship to ones life, to ones family and to ones higher sprit are what matters . it was a long road to the point of peace, the quiet of private life free of fear, want, only to have illness cast its final shadow on it almost as soon as it came to be.

Christmas morning

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out all fear.” John 4:18


Good musci bringing in the day. The gift i have for Darrell has not yet arrived but he called home and talked to Olena who sent Christmas greetings to me (me, the elder abuser lol) as well and that really made his Christmas.t ment a lot to me too. Where are his people now when he is so ill?? They were ready to wage war before when he claimed victimization and wrong but now it seems like friend and family alike arent thinking about him much.Not enough to send him a mesage or card. i might be wrong, perhaps they do not realize the seriousness. It is really starting to show in his face. he has lost a lot of weight and will lose a lot more after the surgery. i think back to the promonition I had when i photographed Darrell sleeping back in august.It scares me. He moans constantly, throws up a lot and makes the most ghastley sounds. Different than his usal moaning and groaning around. He has cramps too all the time, which he why he likes me to stay here . . so i can rush in and rub his sore spots. he can keep oatmeal down but any kind of oiliness in the food upsets him immediately. He is keeping something secret from me i think, there is something he knows that i don’t know . . could it be that dreaded word pancretitus?
I have been doing a little work for Nick in return for the bed and he has promised me a few big bags of alpaca wool. Boy, that man can talk his ass off. He is one opinionated Greek. Interesting though, large sums of money have risen and fallen in his life, yachts, ice chests of cash and some significant trageties as well. He wanted to take me out to lunch but i was eager to spend my Christmas Eve by Darrell’s side.
Nick’s quite a smart,blunt, articulate and rather sly person . . and that’s not a minus . There was a time not so long ago when I wished a could run across a rich greek and live off a boat. Really. But not now.
At any rate its rare that anyon pays me the compliment of asking me to lunch and charecterizing me as smart, personable and honest.
But this is my life . . . and i will be here. I will not desert my friend in his need now, what ever wrongs he may have done me in the past.
Some gril came over the other day and used his shower. he told me she stripped down and lay down on his bed and when he asked her to leave she refused. So he called the cops on her to have her removed. Wow! is that a change.

Everyone is hot and bothered by the Phil Robertson remarks . . and at least it brings out an honest debate . I don’t have time for my thoughts onthis here, which are many, except that i have a sneaking suspicion this episode was cooked up either as a distraction from other issues they wishto keep on back burner, or to generate more money some how. It has followed so quickly on the Martin Beshir scandal . . . i wonder if that could be a factor in shifting the focus to the right????

Sunday
Spent the evening at home and slept so well now that Christmas stuff is over. Even stripped my ‘garden’s of time’empire and it’s client , colonial gardens of Christmas trees, blue spruce, Christmas decorations etc. Had fun experimenting with East Indian Lamb dishes. Made up a dynamite starter curry paste from a cookbook donated by the Punjabi. I have been looking for this for a long time. The trick to East Indian cooking is to have fresh spics in seed form and grind them before using and then sautéing them a little. Went to the food bank yesterday and brought Darrell a bunch of groceries. He is schedualed for surgery on the 2nd. They will not be keeping him there long, not even 48 hours post op and that worries me . he has Medicaid and his tribal insurance too although he did not offer it. Native people are often sent home too early from the hospital and then something happens, like his brother Bruce. it seems he is bing given the bum’s rush after major abdominal surgery. perhaps im feeling too critical . . .but if something goes wrong on MY watch it’s going to be on me.
My thoughts have been on the Phil Robertson scandal. I agree with much of what alec Jones had to say about the issue, even though I can see it’s being milked by the conservatives. the free speech v.s thought gestapo has most certinaly touched . . dominated my life for the past 13 years and ive protested the way my life was used as early as 2000, when iwas confused and hurting, to protect an informal dictarship’s desire for control of the masses, especially the youth, with massive propaganda and covert and finally overt cruelty and ‘punishment’toward those who don’t go along with it and now the people are feeling as strongly when the issue touches their lives such as faith based teachings . . . people are tired of one sided wars on ‘hate speech’ and its only because the feeling among the people is almost at the point of revolution that the networks have reinstated Phil Robertson. If it had been me criticizing or using sarcasm about this issue they would use their power to show the world who truly dominates and defines what is and isn’t true in a propaganda state by the most psychologically brutal means possible. And people would have enjoyed it.there must be a sort of grim satisfaction in knowing that people will behave as predicatably awfull on command as the cynical masters of mind control believe they will, living up to their low opinion of the masses that MUST be controlled for this reason.
Again . . this leads me to ruminate on the ways I feel unjustly characterized, but that’s about my issues not the issues at large. If I spent all my time ruminated and reacting to the full scope of this, there would be no joy in my life, nothing but unhappiness and pain and anger .the reason most people let things roll off their backs. . it’s not that I quit fighting and accepted the labeling and the hate, its just that I feel that energy will eventually implode on it’s self , that it’s in a sense ‘their’ circus and it has nothing to do with me anymore.Doesnt REALLY touch me. I really don’t care very much what the mainstream thinks anymore,since they have chosen to be so deceived and molded and reassured in their righteousness.both left and right.
Someday, if we survive as a nation, people will look back on this bullshit as so insane and wonder how any Nation so powerfull and founded on a on a constitution of rights could lose the virtues of reasoned debate and tolerance for different views, for the right of individuals to pesue their own lives . Someday this idea that people have to be ‘sacrificed for the good of the many will be seen for what it is.

Sunday
Pureed up soups for Darrell who was looking awfull when i came in this morning and he was being a very onery customer. He suddenly seems so frail . . .there is an emotional panic and denial going on with me i think
. . .and Im distancing myself from overwhelming feelings by lashing out on worn out themes when actually, Im not really wrapped up in these issues except as a curiosity. What I am afraid of is grief . . that I know is inevitable. I am afraid. I shouldn’t be writting about anything while my emotions are so mixed. I should wait untill Im in a better place or it looks bad.

Tuesday
Darrell and i went out for a walk downtown yesterday. He was looking and acting much better. Now Im home, and have just woken up from a deep sleep feeling so much better myself. He talked with me, finally about the surgery issue that he is worried about . . that one of the hernias is on his intestine and they may have to take out a portion of it. What I am wondering is how the hell we are going to get him up the stairs to his apartment when he comes home from this surgery. he seems so frail thses days, I like to stay close to him. My fears that he may be slipping awy must be dealt with from self posession. i must be strong and carefull not to invlve others in what might turn out to be a premature emotional panic.

How is it that I felt appalled by the beshir remarks and condemned the network for not sacking him immediately yet was equally critical of A and E when they did just that to Phil robertson?? His remarks about Gays were offensive to gay people and he views on pre civil rights blacks wer downright silly. Free speech is free speech . . .what’s the dif? Well . . Beshir advocated violence, his attack was personal and it was aired in front of a large audience, also his remarks had to go through a screening before being aired which makes his superiors complicit. Phil Robertson did not advocate any action,no violent intent was expressed, his remarks were a response to questions about his personal beliefs and although they were published they did not reach a huge audience the way cable news does.
This is critical difference in my mind, and the advocacy of violence in various forms( and that includes organized smear or shunning or sabotage as well as personal attacks and themes of killing or removing in some way) as well as personal attacks carried out with cavilier disrespect for fact and a sense of entitlement to do this, this is what makes MSNBC so much, much more evil and accountable than Phil Robertson’s ‘backwoods’ remarks.
The explaation given for the cycle of attacks on me, and the social abuse has been that they were a response to a lifetime of ‘attacks’ by me, that i made a series of negative remarks over the years and enough was enough. Again . . it is a question of scope. I am not a celebrity, i do not teach, or hold public office or hold any position of influence . . although admittedly my relationship with Darrell and what i say about the window this gave me into Indian life makes my observations influential on how people see Native Americans. I can understand why they might feel this could be destructive in the wrong hands, even if it is true, and that theyve suffered enough. Most of the heat ive taken for these observations of native going ons has been considerable less and more delayed than the heat ive taken for my observations of people and attitudes in town and that in turn has been much less than heat I have taken for criticisms of the status quo and power in America.
To listen to the way things are re constructed they would have you believe i was this mean person going around slashing people left and right , even in Minneapolis and that is why the abuse was so massive. That wasn’t the case. things get turned upside down on the left, especially out here. That stuff started way back in 2000 , before i had shared any pesonal writtings. I only began to write my blogs online in 2007 and anyone who read them had to have a personal reason to go find them, they had to know my name, that’s how buried they were. MSNBC responded immediately with overt personal attacks via Racheal maddow right away. If i make my observations public then, they have that right too . . only it was nothing but opinion, “we’ feel . . therefore it must be truth. The worse it was the more i heard white women respond ‘that’s how we ALL felt.’
that does not constitute truth. My counselor in Spokane posed the question;can a whole town be wrong? and her answer was Yes. a whole town can be wrong, depending on what nerves are being activated and by whom.
The lifetime of attacks on my part is simply untrue . . i most certianly was not that way in Minneapolis or Madison untill I had had a bellyfull of seemingly ludicrous actions and attitudes dircted towards me. I never talked to anyone in madison about my experiences , the few times i talked with anyone wer at a bar after a few too many drinks . . the infamous remark? “They can sure dish it out but the sure can’t take it.” WOW!!! the idea of intense spying is no longer a symptom of paranoia anymore now that the extent of it in american life has become commen knowlege but even then my phones were tapped( a native activist told me it was CIA) and the greens were asking people to write down everything i said to prove that i was crazy so they could get me removed. apparently the “they can sure dish it out’ remark in a bar was that incinderary remark that merited enough is enough. the real issue was the cartoons i did in my late twenties that offended people in Minnesota . . that has always been the core issue, even now. it was payback time, and still is. That ‘offending’ was a thousand times more important than any of my experiences and the implications of that. That was something they did not care about, and told me so to my face. My life became at that point a cruxifiction for ‘offending’. A public offering, a morality play intended to teach younge women how not to be. It played up to unquenchable appetitie for public humiliation and punishment most american women demanded. A myth was created about how my trip in 98 was somehow an attention grabbing, narcisistic move on my part, an anti establishment statement against THEM , or a bonnie and Clyde type road adventure. it had nothing to do with THEM, and any attention that followed this trip was orchestrated by them, it was not the motivating principle. i find it ludicrus that anyone would take my journal writtings as proof that I must have been a ‘narcisistic personality. First of all, no one has the right to make such a diagnosis except professionals . . and nothign like this is in my records. all diaries are personal. What was narcisistic was the insistance that everything i did revolved around them. That it had to do with celebrity culture . . .it doesnt get more narcissistic than that. narcisistic people took my story and fashioned it about themselves, making themselves the victims or target, and that is narsisitic culture taken to its zenith. Nor is the comfortable explanation that chilling attitudes i encounted in WA were the response to hurtfull things instigated by me. Those attitudes were here when i got here . And the extent to which there was such a preoccupation with killing is an indication to me that what was being worked out were the troubling things in american society that lie just beneath the veneer of domesticity. I have had no affairs, no indiscretions in my recent life . . 18 years i have been with Darrell with no straying, that’s longer than most relationships and marriages . . . yet I have been called the most awfull things, and on t.v . . my supposed ‘past’. i was single, so what. this became the reasoning for all this insanity . promescuity!! Well, again, it reflects the proccupations and nuerosies that lie beneath the veneer . . in the past 10 years or so we have been a society proccupied with sexual behaviour of young white women. Brittany Spears case in point. When I was in Spokane all the women in my group were being cured of ‘promiscuious’ behavior, most had been in interracil relationships and ALL were considered in some way narcissistic or borderline personality. This tells me that this is a way that women who are not upholding th status quo are being rounded up and punished and held as deviant.
over the past 6 months i have begun to follow the blogs of John Rappaport who articulates what i have been perceiving so concisely . His Matrix writtings talk alot about how the Pschiatric industry has become the long arm of the state, or Status Qou, that is in fact meaningless at best and very dangerous at worst in its use of pschiatric medications. its only one of many topics he takes on . . . i think more and more people are finally seeing this. it is no longer possible to silence people who can point out the magnitude of the thought controll and how ruthless its supression can be of individuals who break from the matrix.

new Years Eve
Darrell’s belt is in 10 notches from where it was a month and a half ago.
On the advice of a friend who suggested i ought to contact Darrells family and let them know about things i did email a few people..Today is doing really good so he called a bunch of his relatives nd sounded all jolly and it makes me feel and look like a fool. He really WAS all loopy in his speech a few times when I talked to him . . it wasnt my imagination. But I guess gossip gets really distorted as it travels and by the time it gets bak to you it is usually unrecognizable. he was talking about them taking out tumors to his brother and that’s the first time he has used that word. But it confirms the feeling I have had that I am dealing with cancer, in addition to hernias. When i question him he still wont tell me. That makes me feel terrible, auxiliary . when Im the closest person in his daily life. The one who trying to figure out what to do. it isnt fair. he losing controll of bowels now too, not a good sign. But hes feeling good today and ready to go for a walk and I ought to be gratefull for each day that is good and hope that soon it will be much, much better.