march already 2013

2 03 2013

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I was just thinking . . . I ought to get a second hand guitar for Darrell and rent out a violin for myself. I had a nice one but it went to the pawn shop one day a few years ago.  We could do up some music together . . he could accompany me. it wouldn’t cost that much . . and its a much better idea than drinking.  or going to the casino for that matter.  We women have to be aware of our own invisible strenghths and what we can accomplish . . simply by making honest and positive choices in ourselves and in our world.

I am starting to lose a few pounds now . . working out almost daily.  what they say about it being harder to take off with age is certianly true . . 5 or 6 years ago i could have lost a lot of weight by this time, a few trips to the gym and we were ready to trot . . not anymore. it goes on fast and comes off stubbornly.

Life is good right now . except for the news that my recently awarded s.s.a will be slashed and life will be tough again. Ill just have to marry Darrell and collect his social security . . .but then, here in WA I qualify as a commen law wife which entitles me to half of what he owns . . half a doobie and a shoe. Joke.  Still thinking about vocational training and then i guess it’s back to part time work.  There is a consignment store that just opened up in Lummi . . i bet the stuff we’ve been making would sell like hot cake . . no . . indian tacos out there.

My goals; first . . to get back in shape. Everyday I go to the Y.M.C.A. Get some product ready for the Spring.  THEN think about career choices, training, moving or whatever else is in the stars. right now life is good.  Darrell is keeping his eye on his future and making his appointments, got his s.s.i moving and is staying sober. i guess i can put up with him for a while . . and he me.

Monday

Darrell went out today. We met for lunch.  The mountains are glistening white against a clear sky today, a whisper of spring in the air.  Birds are singing their little lungs out.  Some good things have come our way . . some one dropped off several large garbage bags of decorative yarn scraps, all saved in tiny little clear bags.  All kinds of fuzzy, ribbony, shiney , fluffy, bits and peices perfect for adding unique trim to hats or making those ‘scrap hats.’ A virtual gold mine.  I also scored a full sized couch and a bigger recliner.  This should alleviate many problems on those nights out of sync.  It will arrive next Tuesday.  Carol james came by today and bought up a cup, two sets of earrings and a keychain.  She is gathering things for a give away she will be doing for her tribe for the spiritual help they gave her during a period of illness.  She wants as much stuff as we can make up for her . . so if Darrell wants to go to work on those wood burned earrings out of popsickle sticks we won’t lack work or money, albeit not a lot.  We definetly have our work cut out for us this year . . at least i do.  66977_10200890333040371_69275223_n 858367_10200890333640386_103505021_o 859019_10200890333600385_759079868_o 883193_10200890333240376_1628219697_o 883728_10200890334000395_1652217281_o 887027_10200890334400405_1700114069_oWe are still staying sober and perhaps that is why the good side of life is flowering . . .but i was reminded last night  that there is always the darkness waiting for a way in . . . but when there is love, and the right path it looses its power.  last night i was restless and got up to chrochet . .. I thought i saw a spirit or ghoast out of the corner of my eye in the kitchen area . . I looked up because i thought it was Darrell coming into the kitchen. You know . . those peripheral sightings that disappear as soon as you look at them directly . . . this one frightened me, and we have had plenty of experience with paranormal presenses over they years . . .mostly benign, and when not benign i usually sense it as a sort of dark mist  that dissapears with smudging and  commands to leave . . . this was no mere mist, it was a large human shape. it frightened me. I felt danger.    i hopped into bed with Darrell and described it to him.  He immediately smudged the house and told the spirit or entity to go away, that there was love in this house and that was that.  if you spend time with a full blooded Lakota you learn to live in a world where spirits are very real and strange things like this are no unusual occurance.  What creates a portal  for this kind of energy is what is going through your own thoughts . . if you are ruminating on evil, as i was, in this world its as if you make yourself weaker. or perhaps evil recognizes that here is someone who can recognize it,is familier with it and is there for more visable or personified.  That is why it is not good to dwell on the cruelties of this world, and the darker side of human nature too much but always look forward. And that was why i decided not to write out the whole history of what i called ‘the worst collective hate crime in american history’ a week or so ago . . .even though i was thinking last night, that i really ought to remind people of just how bad it was and how wrong most of the ready explainations have been.

Tuesday

watched the Bible and The Vikings last night on on demand.  Everyone had been saying how great The Bible was . . but I ws a little disapointed.  a lot of time was spent on Lot and the destruction of Sodom and Gommoragh and nothing on the Jacob sage . . .which is one of the best parts of the old Testiment . . Joseph and his coat and rise in Eygpt.  The Lot story was missing all the sordid matters like Lot offering his daughters to the crowd that wanted to rape hsi guests . . and the incest in the cave. The real intent of the crowd is never really spelled out and the Angels . . they kick ass, Jackie Khan style . Not a very fathfull re telling me thinks.  Im sensing a hidden message about all those secular sinning city dwellers that carries a political message.  The Bible is timely . . not only because passover is coming up and Easter and the Bible reaches both the christian and jewish audiences, reminding them of their commen ethical and moral heritage . . not just the passion and ressurection . . or not just the passover story . . but the whole thing.  maybe that’s why they skipped over all the jacob and his 12 sons stories and jumped right into Moses.

its also timely because there is debate right now about Americas commitment to supporting Isreal in an attack on Iran.

And then there’s the Vikings . . . most people know them only as those guys who terrorized Europe in their long boats with axes.  Its interesting to view their law, their customs, their dwellings and family life and romances . . but its hard to feel too much sympathy with the guys who sacked the monasteries. i know that there’s been a lot of stuff on history channell over the years about real white working class  he man jobs . . ice road truckers, crabfisher men, alligator hunters, alaska game wardens, loggers, even pawn stars . . but Viking raiders??  You see these guys with these gorgeous fiords in the back ground, a place that looks like paridise  speculating about all the farm land elsewhere . . it’s like looking out the window here and seeing Mount Baker glistening in the background and the sun going down over the Bay and speculating on going to kansas because theres good land there.  Crazy.

Wenesday morn march 6

yesterday was a resorative day.  I kicked back with a good book. A what me worry day. An everything will be alright day . . . but it never lasts long.  I guess Darrell’s family back in S .D will be having  a  give away in May for Chaz, who passed away last May.  Darrell told me they want tee shirts made . . . with a design he will sketch up and a picture of Chaz too.  Am I being expected to pay for all  this??  I will have to speak up and tell Darrell that I will put in the order if they want with Vista print . . but its the family’s responsibility to pay for this order on their own. They can order from Vista print or fed Ex as well as I.   That’s what give away means . . .not farm it out to some white chick they dont even like.  Carol is slowly buying all the gifts she will use in her giveaway . . and she didnt just tell me i was going to make stuff for her, she asked if she could buy things from us.

Friday

Really down today.  ther’s been so much tension and tempers, I dont even like to be home.  The cage fell down and one of the birds got loose.  had to lock up the cat.  Now i have traumatized birdies and that really hurts me.. i have so much to write about . . I am trying to be cheerfull,. forward looking, make the best of things but so much of what i wish i could write about is so negative . . . but it would only bring on bad reflex.   Not only in my personal life but my thoughts on the gun controll legislation that is being debated now and how my own exerience in Minneapolis  fits into that . . . no way to write about these things without upsetting myself and making myself angry and despairing at all the injustice that has has befallen me. I keep saying i ought to write it all out . . but i just hate to take on any more controversy.  Know people that this admiinistration lies through its teeth when it comes to pushing through thier egenda in this matter . . and worse, and i know it . . there is nothing, i mean nothing they wont do.

Sunday

Well we had a falling out Friday night . .arrell took off and had an accident and knocked himself unconcious on th street.  Came back with a busted up head.  Really working hard on hats now in preperation for next week.  A gift shop asked us for stuff for their shop.  Moving on up.

.  Well i played my gardens of time this morning and earned  an Irish farm for Darrell which i placed in his garden, then to my surprise i found yet another in his inventory, so i put that one in his garden too . . then i looked in the inventory again . . what? yet another irish sheep farm . . . something in the system must have gotten screwed up and kept placed Irish sheep farms into Darrell’s inventory as fast as I could place them . . 10 in all before i simply could not fine another free spot to put one.  No doubt i could have filled his entire garden with Kerry  sheep farms but why over do a good thing.  That’s 9 free sheep farms I scored today . . . .Darrell’s garden now makes me laugh . . .The Irish have definetly moved into the neighborhood, some of them right next to the wooded area that is also inhabited by outlaws, bandits, gunslingers and First nations  cedar house complete with totem pole.   I suppose i can always sell some of these sheep farms if he doesnt want them . . but they ARE nice, pastoral , sheep bowing and eating ,blowsy white thought baloons dotting his gardens.  if i were Darrell . . I wouldn’t mind so much farming in my world, Id rather look at sheep than a statue of Ceasar any day. My Saint Patricks day gift to him.

Monday

Sheep farms have been removed but one.  I am having fun with my castles and now, snow country in my gardens.  Got quite a lot of hats done.

Monday again.  Not a good week.

Tuesday.  Got pictures posted of newest hats, some of them and Darrell’s work.

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I dont get it . . . the current t.v. crowd bemoans the media giving any attention to people like Ann Coultar . . and yet there they are, talking about her. But who listens to Joy any way, that woman is a joke.  They want the freedom to say anything . . yet persecute others for the same when they dont like it. But why get into it . . it’s no longer my battle . . although Im not sure.  I rarely watch those shows anymore, or cable news so i wouldn’t catch it if i was being defamed again. I can usualy tell somethings going on by the way people look at me when i go to the store.  Nobody around HERE believes any of that shit anymore.

Been watching the Bible.  Some people say it reflects a fundamentalist view . . some complain that the good charecters are too Europeanized while Satan looks a lot like Obama . . . .(the anti Christ?) The creators of the show claim they merely wished to show the beauty and richness of the bible tales.

Well . . my thoughts are that the Pharoah is very European looking, so is Herod, and many of the angels are non white.so much for racializing the stories. However, Mary and jesus could have been more realistic. My complaint with the Bible is that so much of the stories have to do with destructions and battle, punishments by God. . and some of the more delightfull aspects like David playing his harp and the song of Soloman and the whole Queen of Sheba story aren’t mentioned.  Soloman is barely mentioned.  Neither are Esther and some of the other courageous women of the old Testiment.  And Esther was important, as important as Daniel. Perhaps. . . .   And where is Job?

Of course, by far th est thing on the air right now is the Vikings.  Wow. Hell of a world to live in.

We have had a bad week.  I wanted to write about that a little.  It got bad when Darrell threw a loaf of bread at my face at breakfast  . . and a salt shaker because he was in a bad mood and a series of unhappy things followed in predictable patterns.  I was hurt and confused as to what would become the daily pattern, so I quickly found a new home for Rosey after Darrell stomped out . . thinking it was the first step in freeing me to leave if i needed to.  New furnature arrived the same morning . . . and darrell’s social worker. Since Darrell had stormed out she spent some time talking with me, as if i were her client, which i am not . . grilling me on my future and counseling me against letting Darrell stay with me.  She claimed i would end up broke and homeless and that i was being a rug . . and needed to set limits with Darrell, and that i wasnt helping him.  This upset me of course . . everyone seems to want me to do what they think is in my best interest , in some cases ( Like Dana and others)  it turns out it is not at all about my best interest at all, or in this case professionals dont have the full picture, dont recognize my efforts to keep this boat afloat.   D came in after 3 a.m. and the next morning we discussed this.  However he did not go to his doctor appointments and when i told him, following Linda’s orders,  that he needed to do this if he wanted me to support him he got in a rage again . . claiming i was throwing him out AGAIN, and took off to rally support among the guys on the streets.    he came back, with beer around 3 a.m.  while he was gone i said fuck it and went to the bar and had a couple of stiff ones so the beer he brought in made me very sick the next morning and i was really, really out of it, physically and mentally.  i told him he had disempowered me and there was nothing left of my life.  You should have seen the mask drop and the grin of malicious triumph that was there.  things have been quiet since then.  Darrell was able to start drawing finally, having acted out anger against me and brought me down, it cleared the path of his creativity and he now has a couple of new drawings. 1700_10200962697249431_214050031_n35024_10200962694329358_1780289700_n

I have been busy getting those items, and my stuff photographed , edited and posted online.

Wednesday

Even more stuff published, stuff i got back from the sketchbook and another drawing.  funny, Darrell’s drawings hardly even get comments now, certianly nothing that i post on my own pages gets much commentary from the people that used to post a lot when i posted Darrell’s work.  Wonder if Ive been blocked.

Darrell was very pleased with the cards and prints i made.

Thursday

Feeling better.  finally got in a swim yesterday , after a much too long period of inertia.  Started reading Power Systems by Chomsky.  We recieved a shipment of jameson shetland wools yesterday and the Vista print Calendars as well.  The large Calenders look very nice.  Community housing called and made an appointment with Darrell ,so things are moving along for him.  I sent off the papers s.s.i sent me last week so that should be rolling in pretty soon too.  Just have to hang tough.  I think giving Rosey away . . . even though it was to a family with kids and a house with a big enclosed yard . . . touched off some deep emotional wounds from childhood about losing pets.  My folks had a way with putting my pets to sleep . . and i think it may have something to do with my difficulty with attachments and my ability to terminate them so callously, at least according to Dana.  I got all drunked up over it last week, and a number of things that came down on me that day . . .and for a few days I thought i kept sensing Rosey around the house, jumping up on the bed behind me . . and perhaps that’s where her kitty thoughts were and i was sensing them . . . . but now I am glad to have a house thats less destroyed by litter and fur smells and grit and thow up.  But it still hurts if i think about her. My Baby.  there’s something else going on here though and thats my increased tendency to go to a couple of local bars . . something i never, or rarely used to do.  I have really changed in some ways . . . .I usaully just have one or at the most two strong shots and leave, don’t dwadle or socialize . . . it suppose because it’s a quick hit, and takes the restlessness away . . but obviously it has created some problems, big ones in my life.  why am i doing this now?  Is it defiance? i always feel as if it were a kind of mask, or false persona, although i dont really understand it.  Whats going on with this?? is it obviously what i want?? or at least one part of me?   Am i resigning myself?

thursday  got in an early swim and had a productive day. Working on another hat of the Jameson Shetland wool . . what a treat.  For din din it’s chicken cooked in cornbread stuffing. a pot of black eyed peas with peppered prk and greens(and habenero sauce), taters with turnips and a salad of fresh greens.

Sent out a package to kate and had a lot of fun picking out the rice paper and ribbons to decorate the gifts.  it should make her day.   i even found a couple of deco fish to paste on the envelope.  How did one sister end up marrying the head guy of the fisheries in New York State . . and the other shacked up on the other coast with Darrell the bad boy Sioux artist who cant be tamed.

Darrell teasing me and in good humor.  I need to read my s.s.a.desision and see what people wrote that decided my case.  When i was in Madison it was P>T>S>D decision.  i read it.  Dont know what it was this time, i only talked with the good doc a short time but both Dana and Dad sent in paperwork and god only knows what could have been written . . especially by my Dad. And Dana, diagnosed with a personality disorder of her own would have been quick to try get me under the same umbrella.   I have been picking up some things about a more charecter disorder type diagnoses . . but by who?  I surely have more than active conscience and capacity for empathy, and ive comitted no crimes.  haven’t killed anyone . . so it cant be too bad . . unlesssome body is being cavilier about these things who is not in the athority to do so.  or simply out to destroy me once and for all.  or just plain wrong . . but who knows, maybe they decided i did indeed suffer from PTSD . . that’s what they diagnose every body with ( thats because everybodys got it to some degree or other).  Ive just become a little more dehabilitated in the work arena than most. Im fine in my own sphere.

Friday  Got my tooth looked at.  they are going to pull it on Tuesday.  Did a lot of stuff today, updated my phone,paper work, payed bills.  Got one hat done.

Sunday  Feeling good this weekend!! tougher than a boy scout . . . and smarter than coal!!  Darn . . no new America Unearthed!!  Nothing new.  Darrell smoking a lot of pot.  Busy with gardening.  whatever Darrell’s social worker may have said . . I AM and certianly HAVE helped him a great deal.  Your NOT helping him . . how could she say that.  Oh course i am.  He’s doing art, generally sober, warm and cared for . . would she have him wandering around town??

would she have every guy in town ready to cut my throat, half the town saying they are ‘tired’ of seeing him suffer . . having darrell retaliate by using a campaign of humiliation and put down that gets everyone on the derogatory high cloud?  I must be a weak woman . . what else . . . well, I look at it this way . . . Im not gloing to abandon him no matter how crabby, addictive or silly he may get . . . I love him despite all the problems, despite the carcophany of hatehe authored by his insecure ranting and raving over the years about all my supposed affairs ( none)  . . .starting in Minneapolis . .  Certianly it was street tactics and very calculated.  But there are resons i continue to love him ,despite the insecurity, and Im not going to abandon my friend.  he is working towards getting his own place and an income and that is just around the corner, and once that is in  place then all my troubles will end. Everything i do is done to create peace and to get to this point.  Housing understands this and turns ablind eye as long as he does not create trouble, police calss etc . . .Darrell too is on generally good behavior this round, in comparison to the previous two years he was here.  i can wait.  ive Stuck a lot of money into his art rather than gaining my own freedom.  Well he’s here . . .nothing i can do, so its up to me to make it into something worthwhile.  Everyone cherishs Darrell’s art . . .and if i didnt help him they wouldnt have any of that.  If people want to stay so saturated in negativity that they cant see that, that is their problem . . I have remembered who i am.  Its not a rug.  perhaps what his social worker was implying is that if I wasnt there to rescue Darrell he would be forced to make responsible choices , to knock off the drinking behaviors to gain shelter . . what she means is that he would have to make choices controlled by THEM, their rules, and so on.  he would never go to the mission.  “Tough Love’ will not straighten him out . . it creates misery, Ive tried it.  I am pursuing the path of least resistance for now and truthfully Darrell is good company most of the time.  he has warmth and humor and we understand each others thinking.   i think people are just jealous.  They cant see how he could actually like, prefer some one they have tried so hard to demonize, defame, put down , ostracize and hurt.  How could he find value in ” that woman”?  it must be that he is using her, that she is too stupid to do something about it or something.  its human nature i think . . . people just want to have things their way, according to their values and when some one doesnt conform . . . they will strike out . . .lets see if someone tries to get me kicked out . . or does a enough is enough on me for telling the truth about the way people treat me, how they speak to me.

Wednesday

I had my wisdom tooth pulled yesterday, had a big hole that was getting infected.  It was a tough one but i feel pretty good today. We did spring cleaning Sunday, cleaned behind stove and fridge, got all the hidden carpet spots and re arranged furniture.  I tossed out one of my bookshelves and a bunch of books and moved my craft table to that spot and the couch under the window.  Feels good in that living room now. it must be some residual midwestern Germanic intellectual anal retentiveness that makes it so hard for me to toss books out.  Its the one thing i continue to hoard.  Darrell is working on some wood burned earrings this week and now it is time for me to put away the yarns and work on beadwork.  A new bead store opened up not very far from here, a lot more tribal type beads than the dainty Fairhaven bead store . . (which i really like, dainty or not. )

Spring is happening. The weather is warm, fragrent and sunny and life feels good despite everything.  Tommarrow i think we will go out to Tribal images gallery in Ferndale.

Thursday

Mom had another fall and brtoke her arm, badly.  I am very concerned and upset.  She broke her other arm not too lang ago . . that’s 3 falls recently, 2 of which have resulted in broken bones.  I talked to my Dad about assisted living.  I know they want to hold on to their independance and their home, which they dearly love . . and i want them to too . . . to me, it’s home even though I didnt grow up there.  I know how much they  love thier home.  But its inhumane to keep her in an environment where she can’t realistically use a power chair and keeps having bad accidents.  with her colostomy bag and everything her life wouldbe soo much better in assisted living where she would be cared for and yet have active social activities and people around her.  I really hope they decide on this. Im so upset about this.

In the Hoop tried to get Darrell to contribute some artwork, which they wanted to feature but he has continued to be abrupt with them and not  very eagereven though it would gain him a lot of exposure.  he says he wants to do things his own way .

In the Hoop comes out of Eugen and the woman who contacted him appears to be an activist quite involved with the idle no more movement.   He is aware of this . . .and i dont need to remind him to beware of the Eugene radical left, that they may use him politically. he says he knows all that.  We got caught in all that the time we were down in Eugene and were approached about contributing artwork to earth first journal.  The way it is now . . he is gaining recognition through my publicity, not in the Hoop . . idle no more probably doesnt like it that way but there it is.

Friday

getting ready to go out for breakfast with Darrell.  hes beens leeping all the time and ive been worried.  I dont like the percoden and so maybe hes been dipping in.  Talked to my cousins about Mom.  The family needs to get involved.  I may be wrong but I think my Dad’s stubbornness is killing my Mom and i feel angry.  Ive been angry about this all my life . . .he’s really kept her confined but id like to see her in an environment that is less controlled by him in her final days, someplace with others for her to talk to.