Do you have a quote you live your life by or think of often?

The early worm gets fucked

May 2023

Another 12 hour day. I like this, having the kitchen to myself. made three trays of bars. Banana. Rice crispy with peanut butter, butterscotch and chocolate, and some other shit . Getting to know the personalities here. Many thoughts and observations but tired now. They like my cooking . It’s funny how winos can be so fussy when they’re sheltered. After a few years trying to make among the very good, I’m suddenly making treats for the very bad boys.

The residents got thier checks and they are bombed and quarreling.

Some are reclusive and shy, some have war ptsd. Some are funny and worldly, some are downright assholes. Some think they’re really pretty, some think they’re to ugly, some think they’re players, some are good old boy, all are people. And I’ve seen more than they know.

5/3

Another day. Another doughnut. I’m feeling so lost this morning. As if everything were taken from me that held meaning and identity. A call from Darrell. He’s happy to be moving on , excited to be going home to his family.

For his sake I’m happy for him. These are things I couldn’t give him.

I thought I was doing the right thing, getting him a place in St. Paul, staying here for dads final years but I guess everything I did was wrong. I never should have come here.

Im lost. I have no place. No connection to anyone here. Lynn has complete controll of Dad now and has really limited my role … am I never yo be allowed a positive role.

Im becoming what this this town wanted me to be, I’m letting it define me internally which I never did. I need to get out of here. Or I will become the drunk, the cast off, the forlorn nut, hobbling around as everything breaks down.

Once Darrell is home among his many grandchildren, I will take off and leave all this behind. Perhaps stricke out in a different direction. The Carolina’s, Arizona, who knows.

They never really knew me.

Dream

I was at an open air music festival, lots of people, lots of joy.

House tidied, soaking in hot tub, boss is mad at me because I forgot I was opening this morning … said kitchen en was messy. I tried to hard to leave it all perfect. Wiped shelves,

Tried to shelve stuff that came in on truck. Broke down so many boxes to make room.

I will work afternoon instead. I was feeling like my old self this morning, did some yard work, listened to Depek chpra on audio tape.

Enjoying the first real spring.

Oh well

(Later) boss not mad. Mess was merely some dishes left by an unknown person. Worked out, o took her 11 to close shift instead.

Beautiful day today.

( later) St Cloud isn’t so bad. There’s a part of me that likes being a working class towny having a beer at the neighborhood tavern after a long day.

I was probably English , not nobility, in an earlier reincarnation.

Still lots of quarreling going on at the Wet House. It’s a study .

One guy , who looks like a mountain man but always is reading a book, popular fiction, but doesn’t matter, tells me I’m a really good home cook gal. He said:

The way to keep a man happy is to keep his stomach full and his loins empty.

I replied: I think I got it backwards. That explains a lot.

I could write a lot about my observations and thoughts … and they would be interesting as hell, but That is not policy, so I will cease.

4/7

Went down to St. Paul Friday night, came back last night. Good to hang with Chief, cook up a good dinner. Good to get back to my own nest. Finished a goofy hat.

Nice day. Swam. Spread grass seed . Tired now.

Monday

A few hour before work. Then begins my 4 day intense cycle. I love waking up slow, catching the news as I start a hat. Time to get moving, water my grass seed, have some breakfast. I feel ok now. Warmth and love between Darrell and I sets everything right again. And I do love him. We’re so bonded, like it or not, by all we’ve been through for each other.

His granddaughter just had a baby so Darrell sent her half his check. It’s things like this that make me appreciate the goodness in him. Half his money, and he has so little.

So I bought him groceries. We had a dandy dinner, the best. Meatloaf, baked potatoes, fresh broccoli, rice pudding with cream and berries. So good.

Spring is here. My favorite time of year. Makes me excited to experience every day. Flower beds to dig. Lawn to tend to. Flower pots to fill.

https://open.substack.com/pub/rwmalonemd/p/the-american-sovereignty-declaration?r=pu3vp&utm_medium=ios&utm_campaign=post

5/11

Now begins my days off. Much to do here at home, warm temps and rains have made the earth green , humid . My favorite time of year.

Finished another hat

Friday

In emergency with a busted foot. Hit by a car. It’s really swollen but I can put weight on it, barely. Hairline fractures but no broken bones.

Sunday

Foot is a mess. All swollen and. Purple.

Just watching video about weather manipulation and what’s happening in the oceans. We’re not going to need a depopulation agenda.

Waiting for bus. Was checking out used cars all day. If there’s one thing I hate looking it’s a used car. Used clothes, love it.Good will? Awesome. But cars … hate it. I’m not terribly great at it.

Off to the doctor . Saturday

Started some meloxicam. Driver of The Silverado got a citation do now I have to deal with insurance stuff.

Picked out a car. It’s too hard to look for one when I’m constantly getting injured. The arthritis in my feet is severe. Probably have it by Wednesday.

Got the lithograph of Darrell from Micheal. I see he has made some limited edition prints … he said he wasn’t going to sell it. He posted info about limited edition prints on Facebook.

Darrell and others may be upset about that. Yeah, the picture was in public domain. But I feel he should have contacted Darrell for permission.

I remember all talk in Bellingham about how I was controlling Darrell’s art and how Indians need to create and controll thier own story. Dispote the fact that I never sold any prints or originals of his and financed all of the printing, packaging, and so on, crested websites, cups, t shirts etc . . . Never took a dime.

I doubt anyone will say a peep about this lithograph. About white mans cultural appropriation and all that.

Oh well.

No call back from Darrell. I’m persona non grata again. Wiped off the slate. No one responding to messages, even dad says just stay home.

Later. Woke up a little negative and sour did we Karen. Found the limited edition prints in the package, Micheal gave them to us and didn’t plan to sell them after all. Now I’m feeling better.

I wrote to Juanita about the portrait and what I saw in it but she didn’t respond. I even offered to let her have possession of the original litho block since she’s Darrell’s adopted sister and immersed in Native art sponsorship. Guess me and my family aren’t worth talking to.

At any rate I pulled out summer clothes and packed up the winter. Put on some fresh bedding and replaced the heavy winter curtains with light lace ones, to let in the light during summer months.

Micheal asks me what I see in the portrait but I can’t reply on Facebook or this journal out of respect for Darrell’s wishes . I see a lot in it… but mostly Micheals coping with his own dying, it’s a pensive mood hes captured, the style has sharp edges, like splinters of pain, and Darrell has the look of the wild man, he’s hairier in the portrait than he really is. Perhaps that is what Micheal sees, or projects, into Darrel. Yet there’s a gentleness in it too.

Sunday

Feeling pretty good this morning . Need to do yard stuff.

Watched the Krystal Ball interview with Robert Kennedy Jr and it made me mad.

The level of sarcasm, hidden fury, and rude aggression in constantly cutting him off and talking over him was unbelievable. It’s a communication style I’ve noted in Liberals a lot and one of the things I dislike the most.

My sister used to do that to me all the time. Others. I ran into it just yesterday at the Drs office. The doctor who interviewed me never let me get out a sentence. Every time I opened my mouth she cut me off and aggressively talked over me. I really had to struggle to make some of my medical concerns known to her…and I couldn’t. I had to wait for a nurse to come in afterwards …and the nurse found them valid enough yo suggest making an appointment to address them… like decreased motor controll in my hands.

Now in a medical consultation shouldn’t it be a consultation, with the Dr listening carefully to what the patient says?? I wanted to smack this Dr. I’ve never encountered such deliberate rudeness. Is this a ‘ thing’ now??

It’s a form of aggression for sure. And I have to admit that I’m experiencing a great deal of aggression in this community this year. Especially lately.

Even though I’m happy with my job and work relations. Glad to have free time for my projects. Glad to see the Spring unfold.

More than one guy has made comments about the mashing of my foot by the Silverado as ‘getting her good’. Even ascribing aWE to it. But after 25 years of this WE thing it hardly surprises me. Just means I have to be on the alert. Probably don’t go out to eat or have a beer at the Depot for a while. Be careful on bike, on foot, and driving.

I’m not shattered by it the way I was a few months ago… I’m aware of it and my shield is up. But it can take overt forms if it’s rampant and that’s what I will need to watch out for.

On tk tok. I saw a video of a ‘ Karen’ 6 months pregnant, being forced to turn over a rent a bike to a group of young black guys.

Til tok mocked her for ‘stealing’ it from them and then fake crying. Casting her as the victimizer. She apparently had the receipt.

The comments were full of vitriol against her.

It’s not a nice country.

Tues

Spent hours in excruciating pain when I got home. I’m not supposed to be working 12 hours. If I can only hold out a little longer… until October when full retirement kicks in… and I got back on the list for housing in Bellingham… but I fear I’m not going to make it. Darrell is scheduled to move out by the 31st. He’s drinking again. He will end up here with a plan to destroy himself and me and my world. And if I refuse,others will on his behalf. By spreading smear, or something else here in St Clood.

I’ve been dealing with the smear again, and

It makes me despair. Because it wasn’t true, and it makes me angry at the people here who believed and acted on it here, so I’ve been snapping at the world around me.

These were ghetto tactics, that followed the shelter culture that came up from Minnespolis. I could explain it but there’s a lot of people that wouldn’t like it.

I will when I retire,

If I make it. The Darrell problem has me in an angry mood too. He’s not going to move to N Dakota to be with kin, he’s been sober for months and I really convinced myself that all would be OzK. He was moving on I thought. I resigned myself to it.

But now I see I’ve been fooling myself. His target is the destruction of my world . I will never have permanent peace. He will use drinking against me here I fear. He has nothing to lose now , so he could very well kill me, blaming me for his life.

But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe his intent is not malevolent. Maybe he just wants to feel cared for, connected with me before he moves on.

He didn’t sound like that over the phone however.

I can always tell him he can’t be drinking here, which is hypocritical I suppose, but I don’t try to terrorize people or obsess with killing them when I’m bombed. Except, at some level, myself.

I can tell him he can’t come here. But if he’s on the streets either in Minneapolis or here I will be held accountable. And if there’s a incident, with police or something then there’s the triggering event that could bring the shit storm to St Cloud.

( later) Darrell seems ok this morning? For a guy that was incoherent last night. Sick, but in good spirits . Paranoia or ptsd episode vanished. Must get back to work. Feeling hopeful now.

26

Feeling very sad right now. Almost got a used car and was filled with optimism until I came to pick it up . No gas. Battery dead. Made it around the block and stalled. Front brakes locked because a bolt or something had fallen into the calibrator or something. I tore up my check. And they were laughing as I walked off, then phone calls telling me the issues had been fixed. But I know the old saying: fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

So zi decided to do the dealership finance route. And I found a Subaru 2013 forester I fell in love with. They let me drive it around and I got some chow from the food bank, had a mechanic look at it. Oh man, I was in love with this car… it fit like a glove, and I could have gotten it, but when I calculated insurance and car payments reality set in.

How stable has my life been the past year??

And then there’s the DUI . Maybe I shouldn’t drive. And then there’s the growing concern that there’s something increasingly wrong with me that causes my arms to knock things over or drop stuff. Shouldnt I get that checked out first.

Oh but I hate being carless. It was like being transformed to get behind the wheel again.

5

Saturday. Got a vehicle. Almost got a Kia Rhondo, but ran across a good deal. A trailblazer, a tank of a thing in perfect condition, new tires, new plates and tabs. Ran smooth even though it had some miles, and was an older model than I liked. Air Force guy sold it to me and knocked off about 1500 dollars. It is a bit of a gas hog but after all my injuries I like the feeling of not being so small, visable, vulnerable and slow.

Didn’t even realize I felt like this till I got the Trailblazer.

But I’m ok with this car. It may not last forever, but it’s a good deal, a fortress on wheels.

So I planned to go help Darrell later today but he called to say stay home. Juanita will help me get on the road. He thought we ought not see each other. But he called back and changed his tune. So I will probably go.

I may not see him again. He was, as I told him, important to me. Like my heart.

29

Darrel at my place now, reality sets in.

30

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I was right. Darrel was just worming his way back into my place. I don’t get to set boundaries.

The other day a former co worker from Kwik trip. Asked for my phone number so she could use it to install WhatsApp. I said no but she tried to go ahead anyway, even bothered me for the code. Mad because she couldn’t order me to send it.

Now you know why I wanted to get away from Kwik trip. The woke culture that’s actually a bully culture, an abusive culture though it sees itself as enlightened. If I’m an ‘unacceptable ‘ tyhe enimy, then any invasive action is acceptable.

Even Rory called me, 24 hours after Darrell came here. Usual Rory bullshit. So I’m Drawn back into the thick of Darrell’s dysfunctional family dramas. Tells me how worried he is about his Dad, how much I’m part of the family, how I need to keep Darrell here instead of letting him go to Standing Rock where they will only drunk him up rob and throw him out, cause they don’t give a shit about him . I’m the only one who gives a shit about Darrell, Rory says. So why then this destructive vendetta on Darrell’s behalf 0 over the years?? I already know … I’m not going to go into it .

Here’s an idea. I move into Elders Lodge. The one place Darrell didn’t want to be. How ironic would that be. He wouldn’t be able to crash my place for months on end. That would be an amusing twist. I’d be safer there than here. There’s never been anything for me in St Cloud but hatred, and they say so, have right from the day I came back, ( they say I MADE them hate me) . It’s been like that all my life. it’s getting bad again. I’m being called a cheap whore. What’s with the guys here?? I just calculated how long I’ve known Darrell … since 1997, that’s 28 years.

I’ve been monogamous for 28 years. That’s how crazy it is.

The other day I tried to do laundry and the laundromat did not have a change machine , only took tokens. So I went to the convenience store and was told they did not give change. That’s the second convenience store I’ve been to that does not give change. Nor did they have an atm machine. How then does one still get cash?? The cashless society is being ushered in fast.

Resist !! That’s all I hear!! Wake up and resist. But how is a person like me supposed to resist.

Caitlin called me yesterday. The car broke down and they were stranded. She wanted to know

I can never have my own life for long. But then, what was I doing with it the past few months?? I wasn’t being much of a person. Just spending money on restaurants and bars.