I just got Darrell on the road, with snacks, a flip phone and paid traffic tickets. This week has been something else. Overwhelmed by desion making we did the best possible thing . . .boozed. No bad consequenses. Just a long delay in nudging him onward. Both of us so torn and ambivolent about this undertaking and what it could mean. Darrell, so reluctant to leave his safety and security for what seems like this suicide mission on behalf his messed up kids . . taking several of his descendents out to WA..
Catlin seems competant and loving enough toward her grandpa to help him out there. And of course, he wants them to experience the place he felt most at home. But of course, Darrells mobility is a problem, as is his advancing glaucoma. Also th dope problem out there is even worse than the media has finally gotten around ( after 10 years or more) to reporting.
Hard to let go, for both of us, knowing we may not see each other again. I hate prolonged good bys but we lingered. But now that he is on the road Im sure he cannot help but look forward to the adventure. And Im sad.
I write from a critical distance but the thought of never hearing him call out “Sweeters” . . . ever again . . . is inconcievable. Im sure i will be as much of a bitch as ever when he returns . . . if . . . but we love each other so. It doesnt seem so but we do. it doesnt matter if others approve or understand. Only if we do. I feel like i watched a a huge beating heart disapear from my world . . and now i must face the world of assholes alone. But as i told him, I will keep you with me in mt heart and it will be my strenghth.2/10Darrell bogged down in Bullhead SD . . . meth capital. He called me for travel funds but I waffled for a day, debating wether he would use them to party and of course I consulted with some of his family members just as I began to unravel into crises thinking. Finally went ahead and sent the money.
Lavonne wasted no time in contacting me as soon as Darrell left, offering ‘sympathy’ and asking me if I was ‘wallowing’ in loss . . . if we could get together to talk about ‘relationships’. I told her no, i wasnt wallowing, I was enjoying. Not right now. Thus avoiding another episode of being prostelitized to. Well, she was jocking for the power position by trying to worm her way in and then ‘advise’ which always always implies that I am in the position of weakness. I avoided this without much emotion . . until confusion set in as to what was really going on with Darrell and his plans.No word from him or Rory despite repeated attempts to contact him. Finally I wired money. My funds have been dangerously depleated and I am very worried. Hate to see it all, everything I tried to offer consumed by toxic meth culture. I grieve. Feeling lost, as if I am shovd to the periphery of the spottedhorse family drama now. Which is pretty much what lavonne and others wanted all along
Took Dad to see ‘Newsies” yesterday. Expensive tickets . Very timely production with whats going on with Bernie Sanders in Iowa.
2/15/2020
Darrell in jail untill the 27th. Actually a good thing. Just enough time for him to get everything out of his system and think clearly.
I quit drinking alltogether now. It started to escalate from once every two weeks to daily after Darrell left and i could see a dramatic difference in my appearance. Took a day off from work to detox completely. of course co workers are pissed that they had to pick up extra work. Doin some meetings on campus.
I had to juggle my finances when they pulloed all my social security. I dropped cable, Humana insurance, a few channels on my phone and a few other things. Looking for a second job now.
Much to write about attitudes Ive encountered but not now.
2/16
Still struggling with headaches, fog, arthritis, aches, pains and general not feeling good. I lay down right after work and pretty much stay there, reading or listening to u tube. I want to do things but tell myself to have patience. The constant tension headaches and fog will eventually clear.
I have an hour before work and Im going to do a little yoga.
Girls at work are so flip about how theres more fish in the sea. Really?? Do they understand nothing, nothing about me at all? I think not, although they al think they do . . . everyone so SURE about what WE think . . . but Im not like that. Not like them. Do they have any idea what Darrell and i went through, the challenges we weathered from all sides?? How sad i feel that my loyalty over the years has been completely erased in the public mind. Im grieving right now. But isnt something I want to share any more.
Im re thinking a lot of things.
Im trying to read a lot more when i wake at night. All that wifi and radiation from my pillow side phone or tablet may not be good for me, may be behind headaches , fog and poor sleep patterns . Ive been thinking of switching over to ethernet on computer too, if the headaches continue.
Im not completely paranoid but the possibility exists too for directed energy frequences that could potentially mess with me.
My reading is list is a bit heavy.
David Icke’s Trigger. Ralph Ellis’s series. Graham Hancock. Also some lighter fiction like ‘Red knife’ about conflict o the Obijwi rez . Just wasnt in the mood for Icke last night. He throws in a lot of names when he seeks to describe the connections of the spiders web. But getting caught up in the easy reading of my crime mystery , and the familiarity , keeps my interest up and seems to get rid of the headaches. CBD oil helps too.
2/16
last pic. Day by day recovery.
Delved into ‘Trigger’ tonight. As usual, i fell out about 6. I usually rest and put my feet up when i come home, then gravatate toward bed when i fall out. I awoke at 11;30 and retired to the Darrell room with its good lazy boy and read comfortably untill just now. The headaches are lessening and the fog. I don’t feel as crappy tonight. But I don’t feel good either. I think the decision to stop listening to radio all night was a very wise one. For whatever reason, I became too addicted. I would often be in and out of sleep with white noise going on so i wasn’t retaining chunks of what i was tuned into. or at least it wasnt retained in full consiouness recall. However, as soon as i tuned into the radio once again, i recalled everything. I think that not only was this non productive, it was interfereing with my work aura, and my ability to relate to others, especially Darrell. I wasnt the Karen he once loved. I was removed into a private world. sleeping away my off time and plugged into radio all night.
I often used to read at night when i couldn’t sleep. But I would always communicate my thoughts on the reading material to Darrell on and off. And I never went to bed right after work. I usually put effort into making healthy meals , interacting with him.
At any rate . . . recognizing and stopping addictive patterns is hard. Its also kind of exciting. Trigger is not light reading . . . there’s a lot of information to absorb . . .but it’s exciting. Reading utilizes a more active part of the brain than passive listening or viewing . Im going to stick to this . . . reading rather than wifi and smart phone or tablet. At least for a good while.
At 62 brain health is not something to disregard. there’s no coming back if you dont take care of yourself. I’ve actually been targeted before, so its not impossible that I have been this past year via wifi and phone. it might explain the serious decline in health this winter. Even if it wasnt so, simply some pattern that began to be detrimental to my health and well being, Im making some drastic changes now.
2/19
Bright eyed and bushy tailed. On top of my game this morning. Job interview at 9:30 this morning. How quickly solutions to problems appear once you swing into pro active. Here’s hoping. Im actually looking forward to today. I’ve energy for a change, no headaches. My heart doesnt feel wierd. its a good feeling when you set goals and they yeild results.
make a nice breakfast, clean up and off we go. Woke at 11:30 last night and Ive been up since, reading about 130 pages into Trigger and a chapter of Ellis’s book. I cheated a little and listened to utube in the afternoon for a while. But did not take my phone to my bedside when I fell out. Also worked on a headband. If I can get some extra income coming in I can relax.
2/20
Bushed. Went to the gym this evening and worked out for an hour followed by a gentle swim. Been a long time since i did anything but swim. Im not feeling any pain. Twice this week I worked out and already my tummy is flattening . Tonight i feel good but Im ready for bed.
2/22
Dad is down with a bad stomach flu. Really bad. he answered the door in his p.j.s and i had to help him back to his room because he waa so weak dizzy.
I stayed aout 4 hours .I pushed some fluids. made up some easy meals for when his appetitite returns. Did some laundry and cleaning. He is sleeping now i think he is getting better. I probably should have stayed the night . . . . bu he is hydrated and he will be ok. I hope
2/23
dad is in the hospital . Bowel obstruction. I should have stayed the night and called in to work. I mean he could have fainted, fallen. But i thought he was on the mend, just sleeping . tried to get in touch with him early in the morning and failing that i tried to get others to check in on him. One of the nurses at his place checked and made the call to send for an ambulence.
Bowel obstruction at his age is serious. its serious at any age. It seems unreal. Despite all the problems in the past, my Dad was my one friend who rooted for me, wanted me to be safe and happy. How many times did he help me out??
How is it that this numbness carries us through ths process. As if it werent real.
Mom. Darrell. My home in Bellingham. . . .and inevitably Dad. My best friends. All the people I loved. Gone or going. I know the tell tale signs . . .I know that loopiness in the voice, but i also know that it is better to go concious, not narcotiziced in extreme like Mom dying f dehydration because she was too out of it to take fluids, better to go before all hearing and sight leave . My Dad would want it that way. Always the military man. Even so sick he still has his sense of humor.
2/24
Took part of the day off. Ill go see Dad in a bit. He’s a tough old guy, he may very well pull through . . but he will need a lot of care. vWe are waiting to see if the bowel obstruction clears up by itself before rushing into surgery which , at his age, he may not withstand.
Watched this video this morning.
I talked about this subject with Counselor last time, and before. The possibility that feeling so sick this winter that i didnt even want to get out of bed, the break down in health, the headaches could be reaction to vacinnes, wifi radiation or even the continuing targeting that I most definetly was subjected to since 2000, on and off.
People not so skeptical about this stuff anymore as more and research is available about these ‘research’ programs. Utubers are always talking about it these days. And people whose dissent or inside knowlege of something they tried to share , which was outside of the official narrative have claimed to be targets of weaponized energy for quite some time. Even Jesse Ventura demonstrated how that technology exists and how it can be used.
Question WHY would I be targeted pschologically ( intended to isolate, break down the social connections, create a breakdown) and perhaps by weaponized evergy??? Now, When it seems my life had become so normal. When i was suceeding . Even happy much of the time? Well there was a couple of things I did early this fall, before i became the topic of charecter assasination via FOX (Tucker Carlson) followed by health breakdown. One was psoting controversial videos of Barbara Traveres regarding the fires in paradise and elsewhere. Firefighters explaining why these were created by directed energy. The other thing was stating that I thought FOX (Rupart Murdoch so therefore CIA) was paving the way for me to be killed off by a fixated partner, by seeding the idea in Minnesota, especially here, that I had a ‘reputation’.
Also I began writting a chronological history of events that led up to the misadventures of 1998 . . it wasnt in this public blog, in fact i only shared the link with two people but some how it became public knowlege immediately. I described events back in the late 80s and some of my allegations about some well known personalities in Oregon was bound to generate response . . that is always the case when one airs dirty laundry, and i was being less damning than i could have been. The thing was . . .it is disproportional. A private blog intended for an audience of two people . . and the response, which is broadcast across the world. This is part of a pattern that began in 2000. And lastly, i stated that i felt the Jewish establishment had highjacked the sensationalised drama of 1998 for their own purposes. I didnt even go into much detail . . but it was huge. And many people saw the same thing i was seeing. But of course that kind of criticism brings on massive charecter assasination. It’s intended to damage as much as possible. Id promised myself when I moved to St. Cloud that i wouldn’t pick up these tired old flags, that i would just accpet the past and move on from today but apparently these tired old cycles will never let that happen. Im hearing stuff now thats so old business . . . .
As for FOX, A lot of people took that up as fact, especially around here . . and its so stupid. Even here it at work. “Her reputation has been shredded.” Reputation is such a highschool type word . . geez, Im 62. Who gives a fuck about ‘reputation?” Darrell and i were living on such a different level. Its just a continuation of the programming that began in 2000. it’s designed to breakdown the personality and social acceptance, and so on.
Unfortunetly, my counselor, like most others made some statements indicationg that she had bought into the whole “the truth about karen” that was specifically focused oon St. Cloud, especially women. Most women DID buy into it to a degree that was pretty shocking. Just seems weird that that is still so virulent 20 years later.
However, she did confirm what I had to say about target individuals. She’d had some of this confirmed by an aqquantance in F.B.I so it wasn’t crazy talk to her.
2/24 ( later) Dad is looking much, much better. We are still waiting to see if he will need surgery.
What set me off on that trajectory earlier?? Maybe the video i watched. Everything feels peaceful tonight. Started the second job.
2/26
Dad home now. he survived. The procedures worked and he is not going to need surgery. he almost died Sunday. I feel guilt because i didnt make the right call Saturday night. But fell also, that I was the one that made the right call Sunday morning and hadnt the staff done a safety check when i asked them, he probably would have gotten too sick to answer calls, the door and died fairly soon after that. This bowel obstruction has taken its toll however, his disorientation is pronounced.
I remember when my Dad was in his sixties, early sixties and i was home from oregon visiting and we took out the canoe. We took off on the Mississippi and the wind came up, the water became rough on the way back. We were fighting against current and wind and wave. . My dad was in the front and I was in the back. At some point i became worried, very worried because he wasnt pulling and steering and i was doing all the work and had to compensate. i was scared. But i steered us to a landing, exhausted.
My Dad had always been the strong one. Hauling shingles from Egerman’s roofing up and down ladders. Strong and stoic. making a goodm sheltered life for us rotten batch of women.
it was in that canoe that i first realized that my Dad wasnt as strong any more, even though he was at the height of his economic sucess. For me, he was always teaching me to fish, to row a boat, canoe, swim, bait a hook, paint a house. identify a shingle, drive a fork lift. sweep a warehouse.
With my Mom, it finally hit home when i was visiting and i pulled out the sewing machine to make a skirt and i asked her a question about something and she she could not help me anymore, her alzhiemers had progressed that far. I realized: My mommy will never help help me sew anymore. It was something we did together , something i thought she would enjoy doing again, that it would pull her out of her decline.
Even at the age of 92 my Dad has still been able to help me, with advice, with financial planning and so on. but i think now, I will have to paddle like the devil in rough waters alone
Darrell was supposed to get out of jail tomarrow .. but Leroy told me he found out he’d been sentenced untill August. August??? My poor, poor confused, windmill chasing
Darrell. .
3/3/20
Much to write of but only a few minutes. I’ve been sick. This article about Dallass, Darrell’s brother, the one who drove us out west in 98, was n the teton times
Now . . . i want to hear Al Frankin say Liar, Liar, Liar one more time. Too bad there had to be so many victims. Didnt have to be. Wasn’t it Carlson Tucker who recently said they’d done some investigation . . excpt it seems actually looking at felony records. Assholes.
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