march 2016

3 03 2016

Went to Kinkos this morning and spent 60 bucks digitalizing and printing Darrell’s  latest drawings.  the idea is that he can take his daughter to Seattle and he can sell his latest at the Indian Center and Chief Seattle club and around Pike st. market and finance a good time.

Had to endure grouchiness and anger outbursts as usual, and then i got home and discovered that kinkos had fucked it up . . . i had asked over and over for it to be saved as jpeg.  PDF is useless for what need it for . . selling on internet and sharing.  Can’t even post it on Etsy!!  Im sooo upset.  Have to waste another day going back and and making them fix it free of charge.  But it’s good to be home now.  Free from the negative undercurrents over at Darrell’s place.  I guess he ousted some lady he decided was full of bad medicine. I senses something like that . . but ousting her will only piss her off.  None of my business . . . as long as it doesn’t touch me. If i sense negativity i don’t come around . . . and happy to stay [put in my own little world.   Ive done all i need to do.

I noted a few days ago that guys were coming into the mens restroom while i was cleaning it and peeing without even waiting for me to leave.  I wrote about what i thought of it . . but not a good idea because then, EVERYONE will be rude, as a rule.

Solution?? humiliate the dickens out o the next fella that does that.  i

Is that all you got?? Where is it?? and so on.

 

Sat 3-5-16

A long day.  A trip to Whatcom falls  and then another lovely night in toiletland.  i got my janitor shoes the other night. 12803225_10153529666337449_7467803386646906856_nThey look like janitor shoes but my feet love them.  A co worker decided not to show up and the place was trashed when i got there.  The women’s restroom was so bad i was swearing around in front of children about being tired of cleaning up after stupid people and i didn’t care if i offended anyone.  Even as i swore, girls were busy littering the floor with wide  swathes of toilet paper and clumps of at least 20  toilet seat covers.  It was the baby diarrehea diaper in the container for women’s hygeniene that really did it for me.  The food court was trashed and i had to spend a half hour wiping out a shit coated sanitary container.  I just about walked.  I tell you.  working as a janitor in a busy food mall can really darken your view of main stream americans.  The real treat to come was in the men’s room however.  it wasn’t the usual pee in the garbage pail.  Or the gum in the urinals.  (why do guys always have to get rid of their gum when urinating? Is there some brain game thing going on . . peeing triggers some part of the brain that also spits out the gum . . . in the urinal, in the pee.  No . . .that is normal . . the men’s room treat of the evening was the toilet full of turds the size of dinosaur eggs, a whole clutch of them, nested in nearly half a roll of paper. And the paper was slopped over the sides onto the floor.  How to remidy this?? I consulted with my supervisor, Raymond.  We tackled it together . . using a big stick to lift all the paper into a plastic bag then bust up the dino saur eggs into flushable pieces. All the while, remarking that our one consulation was the thought of the pain that guy must have gone through depositing those eggs.  Raymond must wear one of his sleeves down at all times because the management felt his tatoos were gang related. (they aren’t) How many gang bangers clean bathrooms for a living . . or even have a real job for that matter.  i told him we would have to come up with a good name for him . .like nachos or No doze . . .  THE CLEANER.  Sounds kind of scary doesn’t it.  THE CLEANER.  This is THE CLEANER’S turf.   Let’s see another highlight of my evening was spilling the mop bucket twice in a row.

12802790_10209215010832113_786316273673834821_n 12806064_10209215011672134_9008800092139043451_n

Some man with an accent i could not place but if i had to guess i would say middle East? Maybe Turkey? A nicely dressed older , Muslum man at any rate engaged me in conversation in the food court when things simmered down.  He wanted to know where he could get one of the tot size chairs at the tiny kids tables.  He told me he had lost his daughter and that she used to have a small chair, and that she liked blueberries.  And so he shared this story with me . . life is full of unexpected contrasts, strangers sharing a story of loss and remembrance of small chairs and blueberries, teenage girls with filthy habits in mall restrooms, unfurling ferns and rushing waterfalls . . . the happiness of healing and bonding, of families , turd busting with . . THE CLEANER . . . all in one day.

Monday

Another rainy day in paradise.  Darrell just dropped me off.  they swung by yesterday and roused me to come over and make up something good to eat.

so i put together a roast and crashed over there.  he has transformed his living room into an artists studio. The wooden table is next to the window and both Rhonda and Darrell have their supplies set up and are working together now to make stuff.  Darrell started a wood burning and i am so happy to see him working in wood again.  It’s been a long time.  Rhonda has been making beaded earrings that are unique.  That should bring them in some money.  this morning I made up beef noodle soup and a cold chicken salad to hold them for a while . . .it kind of felt like  . . family.  Both Darrell and I were alone, not part of family life when we met in Minneapolis.  Being alienated from family goes hand in hand with addiction . . especially when one is left to fend for ones self in Murderapolis in 1991.  Now Darrell is soo happy. Papa has his daughter under his own roof at last.  He was  being nice yesterday when he knew i was pulling away ,trying bring me back into his herd when i got fed up with unlove and was eyeing other pastureland.

Watched the democratic debate last night.  what ever people may think about Hillarys connections,  her super pac, the clinton network news and so on . . she is respected for her diplomatic skills throughout the world and she is one tough broad.  Bernie does not seem pschologically strong enough . . . and it shows.  I watched the confrontation with Bellcourt . . and of course, i understood the unsaid nuances . . . Hillary would have been tougher.  i fear that Bernies plan to ‘increase mentle heath services’  may sound wonderfull but may actually give the psychiatric industry too much power, create more of an informal dictatorship that scares me, even though it has a benign face  . . already, they have way too much power.  Not long ago a new psychiatric disorder was created . . oppositional disorder or something like that . . which basicly translates into . . any that criticizes us is mentally ill, anyone that criticises or opposes the government is mentlally ill . . anyone that reads certian things on the internet, like say Alex Jones, is mentally ill and so on.  Like what they did in the Soviet Union.  its coming.  Believe me, it’s coming.  I don;t know where Hillary stands on this . . if her position is the same as Bernies . . . . I’ve seen this applied to me out here over the past 15 years . . and it has caused me enormous pain and anger when it is presented as FACT.   I’ve seen friends of mine too get soo messed up on psych drugs . . .

Today . . is a good day.  Everyone is healthy, trying to get along, no bad undercurrents or energy . . . working together.  I need to check out Tribal Images and see if that store is still open . . if so, we will make a trip there tommarrow.  Feels like old times, when Darrell and i were in high production and doing up those wood burnings and cards in my back bedroom all the time.

Tuesday

All continues to be well.

Wednesday

Some time to myself.  Much needed.  finished up a new hat.

Just thinking . . politcal correctness was invented in 1989  by a pschology professor at the University of Wisconsin in Madison.  1989 was the year that Eddy hooked me into drawing some cartoons for his rag the gillmore gazette.  i was living in St. Cloud, MN at that time and my  first blundering ( and dumb) attempts at cartooning borrowed from St. Cloud observations of people) .  perhaps they were rather nasty, i may have been going through a period where i thought satire was what was wanted.  it was and is, after all a culture of ridicule back there.

Ed was schooled in the underground cartoon tradition .  He was a huge fan of Robert Crumb. Robert Crumb was so appalled at the the turn towards political correctness that he later left for France.  But back in 1989, political correctness was not part of my worl yet.  it would be.  For the next 25 years.   i set up with the cartoon thing to journey out West with inclusion into the Gilmore group in Newport being the bait . . and then dumped, causing all kinds of distress, blind drinking and emotional problems on my part.  I returned to MN only to find that my own family, Kate and Tom Egerman in particular pretty much disowned me for these cartoons and did not care to hear anything about how they came to be and the distress i went through. tom  actually talked to my dad and urged him against his naturally fatherly instints to help and advised him to isolate me. tom was fired for his political views from the university of art in Minneapolis years before  . . i don’t know the issue, or what those beliefs were, i suspect they were rather radical, but I remember Tom showing me some cartoon by Crumb, so it is surprising that he would take issue with dissadence from the mainstream . . perhaps it was the quality of the art.  Or subject matter.   Tom used to hang out with Phillip Roth in college.  But my Dad has made surprising comments about Tom the kid and his ‘bund party buddies’ so perhaps thier  family has some secrets they want to deny. so I . . the one they ‘disassociated from’  and  impoverished in Minneapolis had to pay the price for the dislike of that Egerman family, because of tom and the rest of my family???)  So I was on my own in Minneapolis . . . because of  my familys blind obediance to Political correctness.  And the advice of revered Tom.    Eventually i hooked up with Darrell, the artist,(Tom would call him a loser, and that he wasn’t much interested in poor people)  who was stubbornly unswayed by any political correctness.  Darrell’s  cartoons never did come under attck.  he was on the streets of Minneapolis when I met him and a very sad man.  I determined that his work should reach a greater audience.   Later on, my trip to the West coast with Darrell and his brothers would put the spot light on me, especailly when I took a bee line to Madison campus in the aftermath . . the birthplace of political correctness.  Ed would later  joke that the pundits of politcal correctness decided she had to die.  Sometimes, given all that I had gone through, it seemed i was watching an unbelievable,  absurb drama being played out from my perch at the Wisconsin deli. Something so absurb it would have been laughable if it were happening to some one else.  I was on trial for my cartoons.  I felt over the years like i was watchinga pack of dogs tear apart the corpse of those old cartoons ripping off chunks that supported what ever horrible label they wanted to tag me with while i, the essense of myself stood aside and watched.   The cartoons became my ‘ charecter ‘while my own spirt wandered off and sought to live out an athentic life, good and bad, from the heart with all its mistakes and triumphs.  As if this dram had nothing to do with the spirit of me. it was like i was chained to this thing as i tried to grow. To move on.  what a strange drama . . . . . some day, maybe in my lifetime, maybe not, I hope it will told  as it really happened.

Sunday 3-13-16

an admirer of Hitler???  they got to be kidding.. Now i know there’s nothing they won’t do. No lie too big.   Jeeeez. that’s going way, way too far. But no reasonable person with eyes would ever really fall for it. Why bother with it.

Took rhonda and Darrell over to jalepenos for dip and chips. My pay card is delayed so my pay is on hold till i get it . . Argh!!

All is well.  Except i am over worked, in pain and very tired and cranky.

Soon Darrell and rhonda will be on the road. It’s been quite a journey. There will plenty of time for my ‘private space’ then.

When Darrell and i are alone, there is tenderness between us still.  Why the outbursts at home or complaints, real or defensive fantasy ?. . .  must learn these final days not to pay attention to that stuff, as much as it is in my nature to search for hurts . . .but rather, enjoy the time left, remember the essence of his personality over the years and what it brought to my life. Some times i feel like he destroyed me but did he?  Or did he actually save me??   There was much there, and i continued to love him even now, although not in the same way.  i wrote too much about the flies in the ointment instead of this love.  i suppose it’s because we both come from a disapproving and critical midwestern cultural matrix and it’s just easier . . . people show their love there  by what they do . . and they bitch all the time. Indian reservations and German or irish households are full of cranky, critical old men.   But it is difficult to think of a life without that soft cheek.  Those big hands that held mine and kissed them last night in the car.

Monday

So tired and worn out.

1998 . . . a turning point.  while Im thinking of it . . George Soros founded MoveOn.org in 1998.  The same group that is taking responsibility now for the protests at Chicago Trump Rally.

Tuesday

At last . . a day off, i have not been able to browse the internet much or keep up with the exciting primaries.

i don’t know who to vote for . . . Hillary is the most likely winner,  . . .don’t know if Sanders would be the vice nominee . . .But how could that happen if Hillary is NWO Globalist . . and Sanders is opposed to that.  Actually . . .Trump is anti globalist too . . . .

Things are getting really interesting.

Friday

Took a couple of days to myself.  i was so worn out.  Trying to keep a distance from Darrell’s world right now . . because, in any problem that arises i could be irrationally blamed. That HAS been the history, and it has a way of infecting all social relations in a big way.    I miss him .  But it’s the smart thing to do . . . I hope.  I did have Darrell and Rhonda over for breakfast and he acted half starved.  I packed them a bag of food and gave Rhonda some clothes.  don’t really want to comment on some of the things troubling me . . that could be seen as picking on or interfering.

Saturday

I have a blessed 5 days off now!!  Rhonda took off and I am off to bring some groceries over to Darrell’s place and have some breakfast.  I am half starved.  I know he is feeling very bad. But there is always a sense of relief, no matter how much you love some one to have your own apace back.  I am so looking forward to catching up on my projects and getting down to the gym regularly and working out.  Want to be pretty again, progect good energy at the opeing of the market!!

Monday

so much going on politically. so much to think and write about.

I wonder . . .  if the republican establishment runs someone as a third party candidate it would gaurantee the election of Hillary.

What I wonder is; WAS IT ALL PLANNED??

Bernie got an astonishing turnout in Seattle .  That doesn’t surprise me.

As for the violence at Trump rallies . . i will save that for later.

Went with Darrell over to Pauls place and then messed around over at hi storage unit, fun to hang out with him.  He is doing some impressive wood carving.

I gave all my beads to Rhonda and now i want to sit down to do some beading  . . darn.

Wednesday

Back to work tonight.  I have enjoyed my days off.  it is difficult to be unhappy when spring is happening. One quickens despite one’s self. thinks ahead of new projects,straw in the garden.

Darrell came over for din din and made himself at home, stretching out on the bed for the first time in a long, long time and let me scratch his back.  It was like that inner voice that always reminds me of the history of wrongs, the things not right, finally went quiet . . . and i felt a remembrance of strenghth and centered happiness return.

Much to do today.

march 30

Darrell seems to be falling apart. Canceled his bank account . . . how is he going to get his S.S direct deposit??  He says he

is making some kind of arrangement. I hope so.  His departure date is coming up quick.  We had a tiff.  I’ve been pouring time and money into keeping him together and he has been a mean, abusive bully in return so I retreated into my own world and worked on hats. Drank a little wine too.  who cares.

It hurts me to think hat we could part on such a nasty note.  All i did was say that i would miss hanging out at his house.  I spent many an hour there cooking up . Did he say yeah, i will miss you too or something like that??  No.  He just went bananas about being’negative’ . . he went on and on and worked himself into such a frenzy he threw me out . . . . he sure likes to hurt me on a regular basis.  And he has gotten worse with tim e.  No point any more in grieving for days gone by . . reminding him of how I carried him when he was on the streets.  It doesn’t mean anything to him. Truthfully im looking forward to him being gone.  He did me so much harm. Told so many lies over the years. he is still doing it.  Looking forward to being my own person . . . enjoying life without all that anger.

he did say one curious thing a few days back.  He said that Bernie Sanders was the one  behind all that get out get out ‘threat’ or suffer the consequences campaign.  That’s exactly how he put it.  i didn’t question Darrell further about this, where he got his information.  How he knew this.  i assume one of his friends, perhaps Paul, was talking about it . . or a family member.  I know better than to ask for further clarification when he speaks in that enigmatic way . . . so there is no way of getting any fact finding.  it’s Darrell’s point of view.  That’s all i know.  It’s given me a lot to think about.

 

Fri

April 1

Darrell should be taking off either today or tommarrow.  It has been brutal.  I cannot understand the sudden turn around.   The level of anger, hatred and rejection is bad. he calls me over, throws me out after i bring over groceries. things have been bad around here for quite a while but I didn’t want to constantly spend my time writing about it. it is symptomatic of something larger happening in America, that is finally climaxing in the trump campaign.

I just don’t understand it.  Why so much anger??  As if I were so unworthy . . that seems to be the judgement, or at least that seems to be the collective judgement that I am supposd to believe . . one that has been orchestrated over 20 years.  Why am I so terrible . . that WE had to tell the whole world how terrible she was . . . Why have they done this to me??  If people didn’t like me why didn’t they just leave me alone , I wasn’t bothering anyone when I came here, I was pretty happy . . . . some sort of pay back drama on a global scale.  Yet, I still did my best to make life good for Darrell.  O.K. . . I get it.  he says he is tired of me.  He doesn’t care.  I blew it because I did not straighten up when he did.  I still managed my own life however, and never imposed it on him.  Always looked after him first and only bought some beer when I had the time to relax at home.and certainly not all the time.    No one but him ever came over to my place.  I had no boyfriends on the side . . yet, I was so despised, and debased , destroyed . . .the media called it ‘exposing’, yet, I was faithful for almost 20 years.   it struck a cord in the worst part of people, everytime that played out they enjoyed it so much.  They laughed and laughed in cruelty and acted in ways that were aggressive, and dehumanizing.     and if I was ever to really write about how painfull it was to encounter this all the time in this community instead of trying to focus on the positive . . . I wouldn’t even be allowed to live here.  it seems that is what has been happening anyway .  Bellingham without Darrell in it is unendurable . . .

Why?  would it have been so hard to say good by like friends??