July 2015

2 07 2015

The balloon of optimism has popped and puzzled disappointment hangs heavy in the air. Darrell lays in curled up ball and does not talk much.  Andrea did not show up with her car, nor did she answer any of the many calls that Darrell made inquiring about it.  The least she could do was call instead of having him wait  around and wait around while all the hope goes out of his soul.

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Perhaps Darrell was misleading himself into believing that Andrea agreed to sell her car to him.  Perhaps she did not take him seriously. thought he was joking. if so, he made plenty of calls telling her that he did take it seriously none of which were answered.  This is very puzzling and all i can do is speculated as to why. perhaps she is at a unconcious level punishing him, for not thriving as she had wanted, for returning to street ways . . for keeping her running him around.  perhaps something in her attitude changed and he no longer became a priority, her favorite client but just another case.  perhaps she has been very busy, and after being disappointed with Darrell, no longer in a rush. I don’t know.  Then there is the possibility too that the car for Darrell represents his independence.  From her. I have my own affairs to concentrate on.  But my heart goes out to Darrell in sympathy right now. There have been more church burnings in the south.  A controversial deal with iran is on the brink of being passed.  Danld Trump is gathering attention . . he is good at that.  We are having a heat wave.  I feel lonely.  Very lonely. i thin this last disappointment has convinced Darrell to give up his apartment and just head on back to south Dakota, by himself,   When I asked what is in Bismark there is one answer.  Darrell would be there.  Once i went i threw care to the wind because i could not bear to see him go and leave me in St. Cloud.  My thinking lately has not been the thinking of some one in love.  it has been pragmatic and self-interested.  and i feel alone.

July 4th

Put in a long day yesterday. Work today. Already tired and cranky.  Still no car.  donna came back to town and will shortly be leaving for Alaska and is selling her car. Darrell may get that one instead . . she also is not answering calls.  it IS a holiday week-end and people DO make plans.

D . . .  has pointed out that , although the news has been covering the burning of black churches in the south, no seems to be talking about it a lot.  Scarlett is red-hot furious with her for playing the compassionate, loving crusader on FB . it’s as if D … was trying to make everyone feel ashamed . . .ill-informed and apathetic. . . she says do not respond with any comments, don’t fall into it. I’m tempted to write “did you mention that you cut off a black guys dread locks, hit him with a belt, that you are considered crazy by all the Rasta guys u  tried to fuck?    I was tempted when she was talking about one love stuff . . but why start something. just walk away and say it’s not my problem . . . except, that she did very much make it my problem not so long ago when she was ‘crusading’ for Peltier.

if People dont comment on the news about the burnings its  because they are waiting to find out what further investigation brings to light . . why make statements that may turn out to be inflammatory, fuel a sense of race war, and find out that they were wrong.  It may be the work of supremacists , certainly the black church has been at the enter of black community and a symbol of resistance for a long time.  It might be a combo of things, the work of some vandals, or even . . and even Scarlett agrees that this is  possibility .. . a far left thing,designed to fuel a sense of war, of division, of white terrorism that may or may not be that bad.  We will find out.

Monday

Still hot.  Worked all weekend at Winktea foods, selling horrible ‘healthy’ v-8 juices, apple pie (would you like to sample my apple pie??), thumb print cookies and hot links and reeser’s salads.  I had fun, despite how tired i was.  This may be an old ladies job but i like it.  It’s fun to bullshit with all the people.  they are usually in a good mood because you are giving them something nice for free and engaging in their thoughts on it.  I have a natural sales ability that’s been long-buried.  I used to be a people friendly, extroverted fun kid . . before i became so introverted around the age of 12. I feel like i am the real kare, the original karen again  doing this kind of stuff.    anyway  it puts me out there in a good way.  I get to laugh and make jokes all the time and it is doing me a world of good.  i don’t have the time or inclination to ruminate or drink.  I remember the rules of living like i used to in Minneapolis . . .how to project, how to interact in the work place .. something that has been sadly absent for a long, long time . . . Even in Madison, where I was dealing with the public ALL the time i did not think much about how i projected . . to my own detriment.

Andrea is on vacation we determined . . so much for the unconscious motives probed by Karen.  (Does it say more about me than Andrea?)  Most people in the caring professions do NOT answer calls from clients on their vacation time, it’s their time and they need it.

Donna is supposed to go back to Alaska today so if Darrell wants her car, he has to get it quick.  He’s hoping that Andrea is back to work today.

Today is going to be a good day. Im going out to my swimming hole and spending some time having fun.

Darrell is having a lot of pain in his back, hips and legs. So I am spending most nights over at his place so i can massage his feet, back and hips untill he can get out more.P7010161

He has a new doctor and this doctor ( his old doc never did this)  wrote him a script for narc pain pills a few months ago . 8 refills  before he has to call in for a new script.  Thats more than enough time to get addicted and i believe that is what I am seeing.  At first Darrell never took the pain pills, saved them for a rainy day.  When i get narcotics (rarely)they can sit on my dresser for months because i don’;t really care for the way they make me feel  . . except that they block physical pain.  Darrell used to be that way but i think he using them to excess now and i am worried.  At least he is not doing Meth . . . but narcotics are even more frightening  . meth makes people crazy and eventually they do something that makes them go into re hab . . or jail or worse. then they have to confront it.

narc addiction, especially when its legal, can develop slowly out of the public eye. Especially when there is government money to pay for it.  Pot is legal now so in addition to the pain pills, Darrell is smoking a lot of pot . . all this is preferable to meth, and alcohol as far as an outsider can see . . . he is calmer.  No . . . .he is sadder . he sleeps a lot , for a long period of time on those pain pills.

Good god, what is there that cannot be be dealt with to such an extent that this lad must always hide from his beautiful spirit.

could i have not said the same for myself??

Well i wont and can’t leave him. I will do as i have always done and that is find a balance, where i can do what karen needs, and still be there for my lad.  I know . . .people say I am living in a fantasy . . . but would he be fine If i just chuck up and left?? he seems frail right now.

i made up a tee shirt for him at oo shirts with his logo.  The one with the Chief Wahoo type caricature, Darrell spottedHorse style that is his insignia.  The one he had was falling to rags.   i think it would be good to make up some full size prints out of the pdfs i have digitalized . . . . that is a better way to spend that money then on drugs.  But i dont pressure him.

friday 7-10 15

yesterday was a historic day.  Darrell got his car, a 2000 ford mountaineer . the mountianeerAfter waiting and waiting and falling into feelings of betrayal and disappointment in others    and feeling lousy because the money was frittering away Darrell finally just got up and did it for himself.  I helped him check out Craig’s list, and look at some used car lots but then I backed off and let him make his own buying decisions without any input from me. he’s a good driver and knows what is what.  I hope he didn’t get played for a dummy  and end up with a pile of junk . But it is not for me to comment . . I’m just glad to see him in the driver’s seat, free to go where he pleases without hardship and pain.  No more back seat for Karen.  We drove out to Lummi and watched the sun settle on the waters, then back to my apartment to pick up some groceries.

it was the first time he had walked through that front door at Lincoln square in over 10 years. P7240143 He almost didn’t want to go in.

But I considered it symbolic, even if he only stayed a minute or two.  The mood was spoiled for me however. We were still in the elevator and when a black tenant said hello ,he became accusatory and jealous . .asking me do you know that guy, and he had that hateful look in his eye . . . actually I didn’t even know they guy;s name . . . and then it all came back to me.  This sort of constant , irrational jealousy was the root cause of all our problems whenever we were on my ‘turf’, at my housing both here and Minneapolis and when it escalated and there was an argument or police call or something . . then he took it too th streets where it was picked up by everyone as ‘the truth’ and the basis for decades of social  abuse and contempt.and the instance that i was to blame.  This elevator episode fizzled out in a moment . . but it reminded me of how all these troubles had ruined for me the sanctuary I made for myself in Bellingham before he came out.  My little balloon of nostalgia burst . . .when we reached my apartment.   i was suddenly struck by how small it was for two people, in comparison to Darrell’s place.

no wonder there had been problems.  He then used the toilet , peed and did not flush.  Ahhh .. . the ritual piss on you and your world ceremony. At least he used the toilet. Followed the rules the wise Latina had cautioned him about.    that’s what got him kicked out . . . peeing in the hallway the first time he came back drunk after 3 years sobriety.   while I believe that Annie the former manager had a burr up her butt and used this excuse to do some very discriminatory damage,( her daughters were terrible drunks as where many white people in the building)   .she also had a pretty good idea of his intentions when he came in drunk that evening (for the first time) and blocked him .  She knew Indians. It wasn’t that she didn’t like Darrell (although she wanted to remind him of ‘his place’ because he flaunted the social rules and thought he was a big man, a big artist ) . . but mostly ,she didn’t like me and the way Iignored the social group she dominated ,but lived in a private world with Darrell that shut them and their attitudes OUT. We did things our own way . . and we were thriving. what Annie (and others)  did had to do with power and control . .  . and jealousy and the desire of so many people to see some sort or revenge thing rather than just leaving us alone.  ( “we are all coming together to bring you down”)  BAM . . 5 days before Christmas . . . it came to an end with that trespass order, and in his shattered sudden disempowerment to the street in winter, with a broken arm, Darrell’s thoughts raged about what i was doing up there while he was in the gutter.  it was a very very sad chapter . . to this day Bellingham insists that in the final narrative I was to blame, although i wasn’t even there when it happened  . . . rather than their own desire to inflict hurt .  How many years did i sneak him up the back stairs in the  years that followed.

And through out all this, Darrell continued to do his art work.  While I was at work and he had the back bedroom to himself.

i only bought pot infrequently and although we sometimes drank,most often we didn’t. it was just us in that secret nest . . none of his street friends ever came there , no one ever witnessed how we really lived. i didn’t really know what he did with his buddies out there . . or care . . . because I didn’t have to interact with them.

he may have saturated himself with booze when he was out with ‘the boys’ but when he came back to my place it was rest, restoration and then he would draw.  he has a good apartment of his own now, he has freedom, and can come and go as he pleases . . see who he wants . . but has done very little artwork since.  Mostly computer games and stagnation. And a lot of pot. And  problems with establishing boundaries . either too much or too little.

the divide and conquer pressure in the community has remained strong . . the idea that Darrell is worth saving and karen is just a  . . . fill in the blank.

Only two weeks ago that trespass was lifted. We went to the top, Irma Kohlmans office.  We call her the ‘wise Latina.’ and she is.  How different the thinking is among whites and non whites in these matters.  She sat at a big desk and in the corner was an itty bitty desk facing the wall belonging to the house detective.

“You should have come to me to begin with.”the wise LatIna admonished,

“this is my desk.  that ” she indicated the itty bitty desk in the corner facing the wall

“is his.”

We laughed and laughed and then she lifted the border restrictions then and there, apologized and said she was sorry that we had to go through all that. She reminded Darrell to follow the rules of the BHA from now on. No more peeing on the floor.

After we had picked up groceries from my place we headed back to Darrells.  i asked him . . . did being in my place make you feel funny. Did it bring back painful memories?  he said no, it brought back good memories.  i thought it would for me too . . . but it didn’t .  its like all the bad stuff came flooding back.  I have much to thin about.

Sunday

it has been a good weekend. We have enjoyed life, taking scenic drives  and breakfasting over at my apartment.  No bad energy this time.  We looked around for tires this morning and then took a cruise over to Ferry point and watched the herons.  I donated some Indian blankets for his car.

The car is a good fit for him.  It suits him and now that we changed the oil and air filter, alligned the tires, it is running smooth and has a lot of life left in it.  I feel as if all the restrictions had fallen away and a world of spirit had suddenly released us into freedom.  No one can ever know how wonderful it felt simply to crank up the tunes and watch the cranes and eagles again over Ferry point in Lummi once again. It started to rain a little,after a month of drought it smelled so sweet.

Darrell seems like a new man.  Or rather . . the Darrell he once was when he came out here over 10 years ago.  it was as if who we once were had been restored.

Today I will make some wild rice with chicken and mushrooms, a rhubard and strawberry pie and do some cleaning.  Darrell said he would be over for supper.

You should have seen the looks on the faces of some of the tenents in my building when we pulled up and walked through the front door to breakfast . . . as if we had suddenly become bigger, taller,and they were suddenly reminded of their smallness in that back water.

No more back seat for Karen any more. I am where i ought to be again.  By empowering Darrell again, pursuing the removal of the trespass all the way to the top   I have re empowered myself as well and opened up the larger world again for myself.

Monday

We had a nice dinner at my place and then took off.  Darrell seemed so happy.  He was pleased to see that i had matted and framed several of his drawings.  Today he plans to get a couple of new tires and maybe some spark plugs.  We already changed the oil and the air filter and the car is running smooth.  We decided NOT to risk taking it on a long road trip, at least not yet.  Better to keep it for regional use and extend it’s life. it’s still got lots of life left in it if its treated well I need to talk to Dad about wether he is serious about letting me have the Buick la Sabre when i visit.  What a gem that car is!! But that will take at least 400 or 500 to drive back . . . and that’s money i don’t have.  trying to figure out how to juggle this . . . i could overdraft a few checks for rent and stuff next month and catch up mid month. I plan to travel back to MN sometime between the 26th and the first few days of August.  coming up fast. i suggested to Darrell that we could bus back to MN together.  he hasn’t seen Minneapolis for a long while and there is an Indian center in St. Cloud .  if my Dad is serious about the La Sabre then we could go 50 50 on the gas back and stop at his rez.  But im about as wildly popular with his peeps as he is with my folks . . .all of a sudden all that has vanished??  one big happy family reunion??  then again, it could be the sort of healing that puts all that to rest.   I have been painting pictures in my mind about the reaction to Darrell and karen in St. Cloud . . both good and bad.   it might put a few people in their place, they would have no choice but to shut up and put up . . . we could always stay at the Indian center, where he might be a kind of celebrety. But i don’t want to ruin any chanches of my getting the La Sabre by upsetting my folks.  M0m might actually like him, if he joked around with her and showed affection to me and teased me the way he does at home.  but, I foresee strain . . . but if i had the la Sabre i would not be isolated and dependent.  So i have a lot to think about in the next few days

Friday

the last of my days off! Have been working out a lot at the gym trying to flatten my tummy and already i am looking and feeling much more fit, except that i broke down and had some gin and tonics the other night.  As usaul, Darrell gave me hell

and made me feel like a worm when he called the next morning.  So i spent the day lounging around catching up on the PBS first peoples series and other programs.  Today back in action . . must get that train ticket today.  The La Sabre is a no go.

Dad said Mom does not want to give it up to me.  Not while she is still living . . and as usual my Dad, who insists he would give it to me if he could,  lets her have her way when it comes to me.  I wonder . . . it must have symbolic value for her . . she can’t drive, or even leave the house any more.

I guess when she was first married and pregnant with me Dad went and sold her car and she’s still carrying around that old resentment . . it is a rotten thing to do.  id be mad too.  It symbolized her independence.  She said that was the reason she quit her job as a nurse, which also symbolized her independance, but she could have biked . or walked if she had really wanted to . . . the hospital really wasnt very far from the house at all.  At any rate . . even though she cant drive, and they dont really need two cars i guess it still symbolizes to her something that is her own.  I could write a book on my relationsghip with my parents when it comes to cars . Its rather neurotic . . but then my relations with them have always been underscored with a lot of neurotic power and controll game playing that has tyed me up in knots of frustration my whole life.

But enough on that, i dont get tied up in knots much at thi point in my life, just let them be who they are for the remaineder of the time they have left and be gratefull for the good they have done, and for their having given me life and help through out the the years. I can live without the damn car.  I am excited to be coming back for a visit.

Saturday

Going to be a hot one today.  We took the car out for a trip to La Conner yesterday, along Chuckanut drive. We stopped at Sno homish rez across the bridge from La Conner and ate some lunch.  They have some roofed areas in the shape of cedar hats . . recentlybuilt, and very nice.  Life continues to be good.

Sunday

depressed tonight. I was tired at work. Maybe when I interact with nice people it makes me aware of what has been lacking in my life and i wish I could go out on a nice date again.  go to a gentrified restaurant .Hang gliding. a trip to an exhibit or even just coffee. anything.    i felt like running away to Canada.

I remember some verses i wrote years ago in Kells.

Im sitting at Kells and Im feeling kind of tough,

the last couple years have been kind of rough.

No one here wants to see me in the duff

a couple of beers just wont be enough.

Friday

We had a lovely ride out to Lummi yesterday, parked the car along the shore line and watched the birds.  Felt part of a bigger spirit again.. very tired tonight so dont have enrgy to write about anything in depth.

Saturday

Two blows today that hurt deeply.  Set up at the Saturday market way back in the corner.  hadn’t been there for a while.

As the morning progressed i watched vendors and others with political tables set up at all the old accustomed spots lining ther street to the market.  When i questioned them only two had the official permits . . others said the cops were no longer hassling people.  it was such a blow this winter after having my stock wiped out, and replenishing it over the winter months when i was so very depressed to discover that we couldn’t sell any more without spending a lot of mo ey.  That sent most of the women of ‘crochett corner’ home for good, Nancy, Joliene and others . . they had brought a creative women’s spirit to the sidewalk. Racheal used to sell stuff from Nepal and her journeys, there was a mother daughter team from new York that also sold textiles and things from india .  It was like my identity had been ripped from me . . what made my life bearable.

Most of the vodors that moved in were guys after that.  Aggressive enough to get there very early to set up their tables of legos ‘art’ and collected rocks and gems stones, also able to afford the fees.  The music was usually rat pack or something . . sometimes mumford and sons, like a take over,  and so i just wrote  off our former  chrochett corner life as a vanished  ambience that was gone for good.  Now everyone is back setting up again . . and I am feeling like I was singled out for removal by someone back in march of April who had a burr up their butt . . maybe a breach of political correctness, an opinion they didnt like who knows . . . they raised an objection about the outside vendors and got rid of the burr up their butt. this may be over personalizing, . . and its only a feelingbut  that’s they way I am feeling, thats they way it feels.

Then I came home and found my rent had been raised for next year to unpayable amounts . . I am on social security for god’s sake.  I knew that would happen if i worked a little bit . . . why oh why did they drag their feet about letting me get vocational training . . . .like its only for the ones “we” want.  If I go back to work full time to pay the rent I will loose social security.

I got several letters in the mail saying I had been dropped from this and that . . from voc. rehab because “i wasn’t interested’,

from the domestic violence files, from a bunch of stuff.  What am i going to do?? Why didn’t they advocate for me and get me the hell out of here back in January.

7-25-15

Well, my thoughts are on the planned parenthood documentary that’s created such controversy . . where clinicians are secretly taped talking about the sale of fetal tissue.  Much shock at the calloused tone .  But i decided not to create trouble for myself  this time. It’s an issue i try to stay out of, like gay marriage, you have to pick your battles and I am way too old to be impacted by these issues now.  But I could say quite a lot.

Darrell angry all the time, the pattern of escallation that has me taking off for home  all the time and feeling tense, upset, unhappy despite all the good things that have happened.  I guess he got hit with a high cable bill, they say he did send off the last payment. he hit the ceiling and started to accuse me of signing the money order to myself, or running up his bills deliberatley as if i were cheating and taking advantage of him. . i told him to go to the bank and track it down, and get it replaced if its been lost . . i DO remember mailing it off for him.  I hate these accusations all the time. it escalated into a episode that left bruises on my arm and was on the verge of snapping into violence  but he was barely able to controll himself.  he acts like it is nothing, like i should accept an apology and forget it as a momentary insignificant flare up . . but i can’t let this continue on a daily basis. i came over, reluctantly last night and again i over heard him on the phone blaming and accusing me for this comcast thing.  i got up and went home and he did not try to attack me or stop me.

I will be going back to MN at the end of the week so I just want to keep things on ice untill after i get back.