late april

25 04 2014

Friday
Woke up feeling good this morning. I’ll go for a swim. I have my energy back. It is so lovely out today, despite the moodiness of rain clouds. I’ve picked out some tunes to memorize and want to spend my afternoon playing music. I’m pretty rusty. perhaps I’ll go out to the garden area and play.
i think ‘Rights of Man’. would be a good one to start with, it’s a classic but my guitarist probably wouldn’t be interested in that shit.

Wednesday (posts from the past few days)
A “red alert” posted on YouTube claims that hundreds of law enforcement agents are now staging en masse at hotels within the city, possibly to raid the Bundy Ranch on short notice
LAS VEGAS (INTELLIHUB) — According to a video posted on YouTube by FreedomFighters2127, an unidentified law enforcement officer leaked critical information to someone known only as “J”, warning that at least 140 agents are now staging en masse throughout different hotels within the city.
According to the video, “[…] there are more agents than can be counted.”
In fact, an excerpt posted on 2127news.net describes the scene, pointing out how “hotels are being filled with Federal Agents, Rangers and FBI arriving in unmarked vehicles. Most of the vehicles are white, some are black. They are being parked in secure areas and are under lock and key and some are in back parking as well. So no one can nosing around. Never mind those who may be flying in. They’re obviously building up for something.”

I note too the Cowboy and Indian alliance on the Keystone pipeline . . .now that is a fearsome coalition, if it lasts.

Most of the Plains Indians I know, or listen to have some bad things to say about
the way cowboys treat them in Wyoming and Nebraska . . but obviously, not all people.
Westerners have more in common, there’s a shared understanding and a shared past . . I see it out here, and when that’s tapped . . for better or worse . . .it has the potential to be powerful.

Thursday
Well Bundy as hero didn’t last very long, the ass put his foot in his mouth about Negros and slavery . . . I know what he’s talking about when it comes to boredom and the breakdown of initiative under dependence. I see it all the time here. me, personally, I can handle free time, find lots of things to do . . but many don’t. But The speculation on the good old days of slavery as a perhaps better form of dependency was down right asinine. Yup, he blew it.
Something about the way he just happened to bring up blacks and slavery sounds fishy however . . funny how everyone just happens to bring up blacks and slavery. It sounds so . . well, typical left smear . No one i know every talks about slavery.Oh . . . I forgot . . . Sarah Palin and Martin Beshir. Beshir suggested that Palins remarks about economic slavery were worthy of the punishment dealt out by a slave owner who had
his slaves defacate in the mouth of errant slaves. And he got a huge response . . i read the comments. A surprising amount of people agreed, the comments were awash with ugly hate. I wonder if the same treatment is to be suggested for Mr. Bundy? The response is somewhat tepid by comparison . . oh well, an old white man.

Wondering how the cowboy and Indian coalition is doing . . .we had a lot of fun this morning imagining over breakfast the scene at the white house . . .cattle ( Bundy’s confiscated??) running through the white house lawn, knocking down tipis and pots of baked beans. How long before some one insults some one. If Bundy is any indication, not long.

jeeeeeeez it is hard NOT to write about you know who. If I don’t write about ME, (narcissism) and writing about others is ‘attack’, and writing about Darrell isn’t fair to Darrell when he is trying to better himself ( unless I write about how he is blossoming?) what direction do i follow? Is it necessary? perhaps just put privacy filters on journaling as i did for many years . . that gives me more freedom, but it also means that only hackers can access it, or the government, or people in entertainment and media . . that’s what happened before. I ended up writing for THEM. But self editing, with self-preservation in mind, or consideration of others , or things of social importance makes current transparency a sham any way. I’m not a stupid person, what ever may be said of me. Ive lost friends when they discovered this, but if i talk about anything to close to the bone the media will always make mockery of me and find a receptive audience, and always, always win on the propaganda level.The real question is how much do i value the well-being of Darrell(and myself)? enough to give the ego of self-expression an exit? When i was writing, for free, for THEM, in private (hacked) journals I became hooked, now it is dangerous . . .but I have been hooked, trained in a sense to do exactly what is causing me trouble now . . I just wasn’t supposed to be doing it by my own rules. How strong am I? Am i strong enough to forget the way i have been interpreted over the years and find private happiness anyway? That means letting it all go. And that takes a stronger person than one might imagine.
it is even harder to let go of the habit of writing about Darrell, whatever the fall out. He is making an amazing journey right now into greater spirituality and clarity and away from the evils of the past . . .I see so much transformation. We even are talking about jamming together when he gets his guitar. That’s a far cry from where we were. After a year or so of writing about pain, the enormous pain I was going through as i watched our world break apart ( and me) and restructure the things that are happening are so hopeful. His attitude to towards me too has changed, is much gentler, less destructive . . . most of the time. he sees me now as a good woman. Is it time to move on? Just accept what has happened, fair or not fair. it is a spiritual journey, and not always easy and part of that is letting go of what the ego has tried to create . . or record. I know in my heart it has been a powerful story even if others do not. is it important if others do not? If it ends with Karen and Darrell playing a clumsy duet on fiddle and guitar on utube so be it. I can’t influence the spiritual journeys of others if they choose deception. But i can try to follow it in myself.

Friday
Woke up feeling good this morning. I’ll go for a swim. I have my energy back. It is so lovely out today, despite the moodiness of rain clouds. I’ve picked out some tunes to memorize and want to spend my afternoon playing music. I’m pretty rusty. perhaps I’ll go out to the garden area and play.
i think ‘Rights of Man’. would be a good one to start with, it’s a classic but my guitarist probably wouldn’t be interested in that shit.

Tuesday
This is the hot issue in Berllingham right now;
http://crosscut.com/2014/04/25/culture-ethnicity/119737/wwu-seeks-campus-diversity-amid-presidential-backl/

Well there’s a whole lot of insight I could share on W.W.U politics and the rising tide of right wing ‘rebellion’ . . . but Im going to skip this one.
regarding the posters about white genocide posted on campus (in response to The presidents diversity goals) a student remarked , on the news last night that they weren’t going to let the words of a white racist stop them.

Wednesday
Its going to be in the high 70s today, sunny and i have every intention of spending it outdoors, perhaps a bike ride on marine drive. Feeling good and enjoying life today.
Well there’s more controversy on the topic of race ( or rather race baiting) and bigotry on cable news this week . . the Sterling controversy.
Clearly the guy was set up by his girl friend when he told her to quit hanging out with blacks. She got him good.
The level to which this kind of thing is played in America is terrifying, and immoral.
Lots of guys talk like this to their women about one group or another, not just about blacks. . all my boyfriends did at some point, including Darrell. Especially him. Not just white guys . Non whites give this kind of advice too . . often about hanging out with whites, especially white girls. it’s commen . . perhaps because its so primal , it reaches into our hard wiring , our instintual urge to reproduce our genes. At any rate , the kind of massive punishment the guy is recieving seems to me to be a fear inspiring tactics . . this can happen to you, big brother has eyes everywhere, even your own home. Which in fact they do. And this card is being played for a reason.
Southern poverty law is notorious for these kinds of invasiveness with intent to entrap people making statements then used to demonize or destroy them for what ever reason. it’s just something that is done in this culture to a terrifying degree.
Some people can say anything. Some people cant say anything even in private conversation. You wouldn’t believe the blood curdling anti white racism i have heard spouted without censure, even when it creates ripples of social hatered.
But enough on this . . by even taking note of this im playing into it and giving it more power than it deserves.
Only to note that i watched O’Reilly last night. I rarely watch cable news any more, its been too traumatizing over the years . . and i note that he considers Sterling to have been found guilty in the court of public opinion..it’s people like O’Reilly who created the so called ‘ court of public opinion’ as if it were a valid alternate ruling body. The court of public opinion does not exist as any kind of valid reality or truth. it can be manipulated . . and it is to an astonishing degree.The slang for that is
“whipped cream”. whipped into frenzy over this, over that . . .no one knows this better than myself. O’reilly has a lot to answer for in my case.
This is what i get for watching cable news . . .either MSNBC or FOX . carefully manufactured spin and propaganda.

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April 2014

2 04 2014

http://www.webstonne.com/DIreland.html
on Al Sharpton

April 1

Only a little time beofre I go to work. I am feeling glad, perked up about this.
It’s nothing much but that’s O.K. I am feeling happy too that Darrell is on his way home.
I have enrgy and motivation now. Sometimes i think i don’t know my own heart.
what ever bad stuff has happened, i still love him .

I hope he still has room for me in his life. If so, I will end this journaling, or at least, the public blog.
His brother died this morning, almost as soon as Darrell began his journey home.
He may have to turn right around and go back . . how strange that he opted to return when his brother was in coma.
perhaps the light is still not no certian yet.
I hope my hesitancy to cover his expenses wasn’t the deciding factor.
Life will be different this Spring. that much is for certian.
Neither of us are drinking. I have been taking good care of my health, Darrell has come through his dark night with new health as well. We have work to do, projects, new art work . . . here’s to a better year.

April 5
market opened today. I only sold one item before it started to rain.
Dana showed up with her Leonard Peltier sign and took up a spot next to me.
She wasn’t getting much response and quickly had bad words to say about the town,before she took off, something about casting her pearls before swine, they were so fucking stupid. Then she cast me a look . . I guess I’m the swine . Question: what exactly are the pearls?
Is her activism the pearls? Me, the swine, had my table filled with things I had made, colorful things . . . I kind of felt like I was offering my pearls too.
At any rate, I didn’t get up tight about the staged dig. I gave her some advice however about setting up a table with easy to read literature, some pics that catch the eye . . shoot she used to vend all kinds of junk, she knows how to carnie. people don’t think about that stuff any more . . and they aren’t going to stop if it requires listening to a spiel . . . quick advertising to bring them in, some pics and then . . . offer them the literature to read at leisure. That was my advice.

April
Spent the afternoon watching all the re runs of Vanity Fair. I haven’t seen them in years and years and the Vanity Fair series was always my fav.
Darrell still in South Dakota. I have to make some decisions, and I guess I’m prepared to make them . . . I screwed up this week with my money and time.
tomorrow we get back on track.

April 8
Looks like I got myself on the shit list again.
schittcreek I ought not to write anything neg . . but sometimes what people do, and the way it affects my life really upsets me. I can talk to some one about what I feel, and hope that it stays private or write about it . . . and then , if im not carefull, I risk bringing down anger. I guess anger free periods never last too long no matter how I deal with it. I try to be positive, most of the time . . . . am I never supposed to be upset or angry or saddened?

April 9
Did the entire shift myself last night and my supervisor seems pleased with me so far, some fine tuning and attention to detail . . . but all in all it seems to be working out . That is something good in my life.
I guess Darrell has been selling a lot of his art back in S.Dakota . . he said he has gone through his entire sketch book.
You see? he didn’t really need me to cover his rent, he can make money, lots of money when he wants to.
He was a lot friendlier and chatty this morning than he has been.
I noticed that I am not getting ‘likes’ when i post some of his old art work . . . I like to re circulate it now and again because new people get on friend lists. This tells me that I am probably being blocked for some reason.
My friend may be angry with me and influenced people in our mutual circles to drop me . . the ‘shunning’ thing again.
This is a pattern that’s been going on for a little over a year, more . . . i feel like the painted bird sometimes, pathetically trying to rejoin my flock. Well, it’s my own fault for bringing others into my criticizing instead of dealing with things quietly in my own way.
I have a week to get myself fine tuned for Darrell’s return. I want to look healthy, be engaged instead of haggard and feeling down. There’s a garden to plant , cooking to be done. Gym time, some fiddling , housecleaning, books to read.
When he gets back he said he will set my friend straight,

Sunday
Slept a long time last night and am ready to tackle a lot of preparation today. Lamb in the oven, chicken thawing. Darrell will be in Monday night.
I started doing some good stuff this month, was busy and forward thinking but relapsing right after Darrell left and then recently brought me into thinking that filled with a sense of threat that seems now to be exaggerated. It undoubtably had to do with some things happening that stirred up old emotions for me. Things that are not emotionally resolved. perhaps they were too big, took over so many years of my life and carried so much pain that it was impossible to keep a dispassionate perspective and wise responses. This serves as a lesson however . . . that just because one feels that they have grown , and are feeling secure, and that they have gained self-mastery . . that negativity can’t catch up and bring one down, reminding one that they still have problems.
apparently I was scheduled to do a store demo today . . but I didn’t receive my materials in the mail and didn’t check my email shift or shift board and so lost out on an opportunity to make some money and another partime job that would have been flexible and well suited to me.

Monday
There has been heated stand-off on the cliven Bundy Ranch. I enjoyed the joke about how the government could test so many nuclear weapons in Nevada and now, when its expedient, express it’s concern for wildlife there,but my thoughts on this are mixed.
I listened to what Alex Jones had to say about it on U Tube this morning. According to Jones this is a significant standoff, a standing up to the corrupt establishment which has been pushing the good, hard-working ranchers around to put in a solar farm. To listen to Jones, these are the true blue, salt of the earth Americans that used to make this country strong, independent, god fearing, the people our government has been trying to exterminate . . .finally, finally taking a stand . . and forcing the gov to back down. According to jones this is inspirational . . proof of what people can do when they decide to take a stand.
it’s war, insists Alex Jones. You started it. Own it.
( oops gotta run, will have to finish this later)

Tuesday
I want to get back to that topic, but I’m waiting for my laundry to finish with only limited time and I am so very tired.
The Lord of the Dance arrived around midnight and there were no cabs waiting as there usually are. We called blue cab. 45 minute wait they said. so we called yellow cab, just a few minutes they said. A half hour passed before a yellow cab showed,
asked my name then said one minute sped to another couple and picked them up. They hadn’t called a cab. Darrell was pissed, claimed it was prejudice, that he’d stranded us there even though it was our cab as soon as he saw that Darrell was a big Indian. so we called yellow cab again . . .they said they had sent a cab out for Karen a while ago, then he cussed me out for being upset . . he was so unbelievably rude, asked if we wanted another cab, I agreed provided it would be quick, he said again that it would be only a few minutes. another half hour passes and Darrell said fuck it lets walk . . .even when the cab pulled in when we’d just begun to walk. No way could I convince him to hail that cab and he swore he would never ever deal with yellow cab again, so we ended up walking back to Bellingham, over 3 miles, in the wee hours. Actually, tired as I was, I enjoyed the walk.
All has been wonderful since . I am stashing the Lord of the dance for a couple of days till we can get the power back on at his apartment. The fridge is stocked with good chow and we are getting along like old times. he seemed genuinely glad to be at my place again, and I was glad to have him there again . I missed our daily life at the nest . . many years spent there.
I am so exhausted this morning however and I have a night shift to do so I’m going to nap away the afternoon as soon as all the laundry is done, catch up on on demand shows . . .
Holy cow, some of the stories he tells . . so much meanness where he came from. Unbelievable. I could see it had rubbed off and if he’d stayed longer he would have come back mean as hell, but it quickly softened up after a back rub and early breakfast.
I made a promise that I would no longer write about Darrell any more in my blogs. Im going to try to honor that. It really is not necessary.
I think of the Sufi saying; something like
Before you say something ask yourself
is it true?
it is necessary?
is it kind?
Everything I say is true, as I understand it, the problem I fail to see, too often is whether it is necessary and if it is kind.
All I can say is that I feel a power flow back to me now, so I must be doing something right.

Wednesday
Still tired as hell.
re; stand-off at clive Bundy ranch
“One can be a supporter of the rule of law and still recoil in anger and disgust from the militarized display of force by the federal government toward Clive Bundy.
The disproportionate nature of the government’s reaction to Bundy suggests this has less to do with delinquent grazing fees than it does with the selective assertion of raw governmental power — sending a message not just to Bundy or a disfavored group, but to America as a whole. “from Bundy v.s. B.L.M a visceral reaction
pretty much sums up my perspective. I skimmed over a few articles from ranchers talking about the ins and out of grazing contracts and so on but it was out of my
understanding.
But the point about the governments using selective targets for a show of raw power, now that I do understand, having myself experienced it. I have no doubt that Reid had something to gain and that the concern for the tortoise was bogus.
Last week at the Saturday market advocates were out collecting signatures for
putting a measure on the ballot to ban citizens united here in WA.
Now whatever one feels about citizens united, they have to right to express their point of view . . and I have seen over the years an exaggerated desire on the part of progressives in this state to ‘ban’ or silence by any means those that they disagree with.
The activists were using the phrase “help get corruption out of Politics.”
I would like to see the end of big money lobbying too . . but it is not just the conservatives that do this and when I pointed out that George Soros has some big bucks too one of the activists really dismissed it with an edge.
This kind of ban anything but the politically correct left . . .taken to extreme CREATES reaction. And while some can shake their heads at Alex Jones
apparent personal pained sense that he, and other hard-working americans are being systematically exterminated . . .these attitudes didn’t just get plucked out of the air, there was much covert humor over the years, until recently, about “one by one’on the part of the left, and others that was chilling and insidious in spirit.
I do not know if this stand off at the Ranch is historic turning point, inspirational as many think, or whether it will fade away as most things do after brief inattention. But I know the ‘corrupt establishment’ lost this one and came away looking bad, and I know that a view of a corrupt establishment is shared by left and right alike these days. it’s getting harder and harder to compartmentalized the peeps into opposing groups. Things just don’t break down
into the camps that the mainstream would like us to believe .

Saturday
Looks like it is going to be a great day at the Farmer’s market today.
Watched Fargo last night. While i like Billy Thorton a lot, I still like the original killers in the Coen brothers film better.
When Fargo came out there was some grumbling among Minnesotans about they way they were portrayed . . as pretty dumb, with a limited conversation largely filled in with Yah, Yah. In comparison to the t.v. show the original Fargo was complimentary.
I noted that the first episode was described as a true story. which one i wonder, is the real true story and which version look liberties.
The pregnant lady cop and her dim male cop partner and supportive, stay at home husband in a good marriage of the original film have been replaced by a strong, smart male cop in a good marriage with a pregnant stay at home wife, he mentors the female cop who has got some brains but a lot to learn yet.
So there has been a shift from the strong female, to the strong male in this version, and this tells me there is a shift in values since the original Fargo. Also the wife in the original Fargo, while silly is clearly a victim of a kidnapping plot( for money) and the Coen brothers have sympathy with her plight . . in the t.v. show the wife is provocative, abusive and taunts her husbands masculinity which leads him to kill her. he kills her after he has been coached by a likable psychopathic killer who urges him to stand up for himself against bullys. Again to me, this signals a shift of values about men and women. In the orginal Fargo the sin is Money, what people are willing to do for money . . the bad guys are beyond the comprehension of the essentially good people of MN. In the t.v. version the wife is bad and really ‘has it coming’, the townspeople are bad . . bullying and stupid at the level of beavis and butt head. The bad guy however is likable, however psychopathic. he tries to infuse some masculine resistance in the bullied character who rears up and kills his wife. I am reminded a bit of both the killer in No country for Old men and also the plays of Mamet.
Now either the times have changed or The view of film towards white Minnesotans has changed,or ideas about the roles of men and women have changed. traditional roles are being encouraged in the new t.v. version and views about the place of women have changed. The salesmen’s wife is sort of witch character in the new version rather than the helpless, stay at home sheep. The Strong female cop is now a good student who needs some guidance. the wife of the cop, at home and pregnant is the good and supportive character . . . rather than the supportive husband and stay at home painter of the earlier film.

(later)
Ed Schultz is calling those at the Clive Bundy ranch domestic terrorists. he praises Reid. perhaps Ed is correct in saying that these were not locals standing together in support of one of their own, but imported patriot movement types, trying to use intimidation , which is terrorism. What he calls right wing extremists. Well . . . it will be interesting to see how this resolves. it IS captivating, Ill say that much.
Now in contrast to this ‘illegal’stand off I note that he has covered the protestors of the keystone pipeline issue and had on several occasions native American guests speaking on this. I am glad to see that they, idle no more and others, are finally getting some coverage.
However, I , as usual always see the hypocrisy when I remember all the intimidation that was leveled at me by MSNBC and the how far can we take it’ as far as we want crowd.

Monday
A good day. We ran into a man by the name of bob Red elk at the food bank, a very nice man with some good sober time behind him. he was gearing up to go to the gathering of nations pow wow. he promised to look up Darrell when he returned and bring him around to different groups. he was a Hunkpapa. so that’s one good thing that happened to-day.
There are other good things of a small nature, that add up. The worrisome thing for me right now is the exhaustion I have been experiencing this week. I haven’t made it to the gym, in fact by mid afternoon it is difficult to even lift my arm. Also I am bleeding easily and profusely from very small cuts. I accidentally scratched off a scab on a tiny pimple like thing and began to bleed so profusely I went through two towels. Even after hours of pressure it would not stop. 12 hours later , when I lifted the bandage it started up again, once again this morning in the shower. I also feel very weak, mildly headachey and Im wondering if I could be suffering from anemia. I am sleeping a lot the past week. I may have to get this checked out.

Wednesday
My supervisor was quite happy with my work last night. Good to be working again, it might be a low-level job but I don’t mind. Its part-time and doesn’t take the heavy toll on me like my last job.
There’s all kinds of postings on FB this morning on the developing Clive Bundy story . . it hasn’t faded away but shows every indication that it will become
even more of a focal point yet.
some snippets:
What we’re really faced with, and what we’ll see more of before long, is a growing dissatisfaction with the government and its heavy-handed tactics by people who are tired of being used and abused and are ready to say “enough is enough.” And it won’t matter what the issue is—whether it’s a rancher standing his ground over grazing rights, a minister jailed for holding a Bible study in his own home, or a community outraged over police shootings of unarmed citizens—these are the building blocks of a political powder keg. Now all that remains is a spark, and it need not be a very big one, to set the whole powder keg aflame. John W. Whitehead The Rutherford Institute

After being forced to vacate public lands by ranchers and peaceful protesters, Uncle Sam left the most disturbing calling card of all at the Bundy Ranch. This week farmers and public officials have unearthed more fresh evidence proving the existence of US taxpayer-funded mass animal graves – left behind at the Bureau of Land Management’s field operations compound.

So far, it is believed a least a dozen previously healthy animals have been found either shot in the head, discarded and buried, in what can only be described as a merciless, industrial-scale kidnapping and murdering of cattle by the US federal government. As yet, it is unknown just how many of the Bundy family’s prize herd were shot, or killed by running cows to death in the desert heat using gov’t helicopters, as more dead animals are being discovered each day – some on the open plain, and others buried in the Gold Butte area. Reports also confirm that many baby calves were also left for dead after being separated from their mothers during the aggressive US government round-up.
Bundy Ranch: Mass Graves Of BLM Murdered Cattle Discovered By Bundy Family | Alternative
beforeitsnews.com

by Guerilla Girl Ashley The Pete Santilli Show &