Jan 2023

Beginning of the New Year. Darrell took me out to breakfast. He’s been very nice lately, washing dishes and cleaning. He put his arm around my shoulder as we

left, sending affections signaling, same at cash wise. It healed my heart and kept me from dwelling on all the thousand cuts of unlove here.

We are Ok. It will be OK

Jan 5

Darrell still so undecided, obsessing about his mostly imaginary conflict with Elder’s Lodge management, when I told him hi he needed to figure that stuff out he went off in his “ I’m going to run off and leave a cold trail. I’m not wanted. I’m going to go stay at the hope house , drop me off. “ making it seem like the wrong was mine, like I was rejecting him.

Truthfully, I was needing time alone. I’ve been really non confrontational about his expecting me to carry him because he can’t manage his own shit. Because I needed to focus on work. he’s been here a lot, but it’s the first of the year. He has his money, and he needs to decide if he is going back to his apartment, canceling his lease and taking off . I have been supressing a lot.

This stuff has really impacted my work the past two weeks. I m being weeded out.

I’m excercising alot, getting physically stronger to counteract falling into addictive patterns. Went to the gym 3 times this week. I can withstand boozing as long as I swim … for a while. My swim kicks are getting stronger in leaps and bounds .

Enjoying a rebellious salad and beer at ye olde brick house Irish tavern, star of county down on the speakers. not a dive by any means.

Watched some good flicks yesterday as I crochetted another unsung wonder. I am the Cassandra of hats. Among other things.

The film I really liked was “ White gods” and it was about a street dog rebellion in Hungery. Allegorical . About European class and race distinctions as represented by the acceptance of ‘ purebred’ or Hungarian breeds and the brutal discard and abandonment of mutts ( the unfit). I want to write more on why this movie really grabbed me. Later.

Sunday

Back on track but not before another string of bad luck and disaster. Car was impounded during snow emergency parking restrictions and I can’t get it out till I get tabs tomarrow. Also must pay the balence of my court fines which I thought was being automatically withdrawn every month.

I lost my cool sat the Ye Olde Brick house too when the service in the nearly deserted restaurant was so slow and I couldn’t get butter, napkins or salt.

We’re so sorry you didn’t have a good dining experience the waitress soothed in a standard phoney routine that was contradicted by the smirk she could not contain.

No your not, I blew up. Inwardly I had been ruminating for a while on the phoniness of the super super friendly spiel of Kwik trip and elsewhere. I am friendly but I’m not going to slaver over my guests and call them sweetheart or honey , which is the current style here. None of these guys are my sweetheart and I’m not going to address them as such. But they sure seem to eat it up here. I prefer my baristas and gas station attendants witty, to the point, even surly. Not sugar coated. It seems so desperate. Out west they generally were pretty cool, at least for real.

A disappointing self treat st Ye Olde brick house was one straw too many I guess. It’s not the first time I’ve felt neglected or slurred there. Although I’ve had really good experiences too. One time darrell and I were given this tiny table squished in the corner next to the front door.

Also sent off a money gram and misspelled the name. Just a day of mishap and doing a string of really stupid stuff. Now they probably have bad words about me at that restaurant, I pissed of Darrell’s granddaughter and I have to pay a shit load of money because I didn’t take my top of my business.

Tues

Been getting sick. A nasty cough. Fever. Chills this morning. Grumpy , tired and feeling ragefull this morning.

Darrell smoking really aggravated my symptoms.

I’m not being weeded out. I’m trained in several positions which makes me a flexible employee, but not having my own house to myself for soooo long, and never getting proper rest and sleep is really taking it’s toll. I start to fray easily. And I’m feeling so bloody depressed. Wishing I could be alone for a while.

Got the car out and would take darrell down to Minneapolis but I’m exhausted.

So bloody exhausted in mind body and spirit.

( later) got groceries, did laundry and made a great dinner with Darrell. We’re back to laughing and enjoying the day together. Feeling better now. I’ll go to bed early and catch up on thee rest I haven’t been getting.

(We’d)

Do

Sunday

I saw the pschic collapse coming. Darrell was being nasty and accusing me of messing around with a coworker … which is soooo laughable. I brought home roses and he thought my coworker had given them to me. And I hit the vodka and couldn’t go to work, so I told darrell to pack up and drive us to St Paul. A no show for Karen.

I sort I’d gave up fighting. Tired of slurs. a fuckit episode. I crashed all day on Darrell’s big soft bed. He seemed quite happy to be home, delighting in cleaning and organizing.

I watched back to back episodes of Yellowstone. Only got up to cook dinner.

It feels so good to have a strain free home. No one ragging on me. I was feeling such a failure, then I see how nice we’ve been keeping things. And I feel ok. Even if I loose my job, there’s others. My car is all tuned up now so I don’t have to worry.

I was sad too because I heard my brother in law had cancer. Sad for Lynn. Sad because we were estranged and although I could feel her pain I couldn’t offer any comfort

I put the Lyft app on Darrell’s phone and I will add my credit card to it too so he can get around and get to Amtrack without hassles when he visits next.

I hate it when I turn into “Karen B”. Other people resent it too. But it happens.

It seems there’s been examinations ion if ithe more violent episodes of our long history. They always always get it wrong. But it’s in the past, I gave darrell another chance back when he came to Bellingham. And we put things right for a number of years. If I can do that why can’t they give up all those sensational stories. That’s not what it’s all about. We overcame that to an astonishing degree.

Monday

mLK day. I’m getting sicker, my breathing is so labored. I cough and cough,snot and pee every time I cough. Berbere chicken in the crock pot, brown rice and quinoa in the ricer.

I should call in, but after that no show I don’t dare ask for sick time. Took down the tree and cleaned up Darrell’s den

. Watching a movie in there now, next to the heater. I’m going to work on a hat the rest of the day. Been listening to myth vision and James Tabor a lot, and Rabbi Tovi among others. trying to come to my own understanding so I listen to all sides.

Darrell seems fine. Watching his football. He says they are hitting him Up big time for repairs. But after all his anger about the lost key fee, he doesn’t even seem bothered by this. Yet it is clearly not right. Normal wear and tear. Not destruction. He shouldn’t be charged at all.

Wednesday

Still sick. Look like hell. Maybe it’s pneumonia. It’s been going around. So is COVID variant. Wish I could stay home and work on my hats.

Brought breakfast to Dads and cleaned up. He seems down. Weary. Not looking forward to anything.

Wish he’d kept the house. Sold it to me for a dollar and continued to live there. I could have stayed there, rented the basement and helped out, cooked, but I suppose it wouldn’t have worked out.

1 /20

Bought get well food after a trip to the gym. I got in a mini swim, hot tub soak, a rare strength training ( minimized because illness) and 20 minute reclining bike. I feel like a good Karen again, third eye activated, not completely, but peeking out,

A coworker tells me it’s COVID variant. Everyone’s got it. Much I could say but not now. I’m making a mush in the blender of Angelica’s Gargen raw beet Kvass, wheat grass , greens, spirulina, Chlorella, Knudsen carrot and orange, throw in some ginger, and some other shit. Bought my fav teas, assam and gunpowder. I know, gunpowder tea is the malt liquor of green teas, but it’s better than commercial green teas swept off the tea room floor. It’s got a punch and it’s cheap. Also got some Dragon’s Well green tea for those finer moments.

I feel like such a different person .

(Later) didn’t last. Can’t breath. Worse than ever. My face looks like a collapsed pair.

Friday morn

Symptoms dramatically reduced. Still coughed all morning. Went for a full swim work out and had brown rice stir fry with chard, garlic, onions, tempeh and flax, soy, olive oil and brewers yeast.

Now I’m at MTs having a big bowl of chili and a beer. Working class. Feeling OK here. A friendly couple next to me . I used to come here as a girl with my Dad back when it was the bratwurst house. Then Nick bought it and it got weird with the liederhosen and beer steins.

Now it’s MTS with the best unpretentious chow in town, except for Lincoln grill.

Well, it’s time to go to work and make bakery stuff. After two days of healthy food it’s back to an economy thriving on food with no nutritional value at all. It cost me 90 bucks to buy my organic juices and stuff.

I can get a 8 piece box of fried chicken at Kwik trip for 5 bucks. A cheese burger for less than a buck.

I can remember a time when we ate food from the garden and splurged on a trip to McDonalds.

Now it’s eatting crap and splurging on the rare trip to the co op store, mostly frequented by academia and students.

Saturday

Symptoms much worse this morning. I coughed up for hours, feeling like I was drowning in thick mucus. Chest hurts. They sent me home from store 149, and I really like it there. When my lungs go my whole body goes. I can’t be changing depends at work every Half hour. They’d be laughing at me. So I better get tho Urgent care.

(Later) pneumonia. Got antibiotics. The tooth infection has been draining for over a month influencing all bodily systems. Why Hey, Pharohs died from infected teeth.

( Later) The antibiotics have lessened the tooth pain dramatically. First step toward tooth health. I’m sleepy. Really sleepy. And I’m not coughing or peeing any more. Ok, I didn’t listen to my dentist, well, I did, but thought I could put it on back burner. I set up insurance that kicked in two weeks ago.

Listen to your dentist. I guess they are used to being put on a back burner. Lesson learned. An untreated raging tooth infection can mess up your entire body, even kill you.

Sunday

Stayed home today. Worked on hat. I was coughing up a sea of thick mucus for hours this morning, Hindi hell, had me thinking about death and hell

My fears of afterlife is about not definitively figuring it out. Wondering…what if I’m wrong?? More concerns with how I treat other people, selfishness vs love. Wether God exists. Wether there’s a plan. And what about the way I’ve been treating myself … that is also abuse

Monday

Have to do bakery tonight.

Well, after immersing myself in the first century Mediterranean and middle Eastern stuff. I think I figured out for myself some things about historical Jesus.

Thurs

Have been swimming and working out on bicycle and weights. I’m diaper free now!!

Wow, what an exciting girl!!

Almost well. Not sleeping much. But good things have opened up for me. I may go to work for Tri Cap, which is a community outreach program that works with hooking up people who are poor and homeless with resources. My recruiter said she knew me as a compassionate person with a big heart and thought I would be a good candidate.

That would be such a better adaptation.

I cannot say more, just in case it doesn’t work out and I’m not hired. I’ve been down for so long, full of defeat and negative self talk, and distressed by negativity that derides me, that I must face in Kwik trip.

Perhaps the bottoming out and spiritual search has opened up a different path. I was listening to Depek Chpra, and Rabbi Jacobson last night. Jacobson is very accessible and has a gift for clarifying matephors. So does Depek. Anyway, addressing my own health and well being was the first step. I felt such emptiness after I dropped darrell off. As if some demons had taken over and drove out the love force when I was vulnerable.

I cannot live a shallow life.

(Later) went to Dads for Kate and Fred’s concert for the old folks. Kate was in a hurry to spend time with old friends so I didn’t get a chance to talk to her much less gonout to dinner, but it motivated me to pick up my own fiddle. I tuned it up, ran up and down some scales and kicked out Rocky road to Dublin. I still got it. I stuck one of those sponge things in it to hydrate it and I’ll pick it up again in a day or so. It would be fun to practice again.

( a few minutes before work) Slept soundly last night. The first good nights sleep in ages.

Someone has sabotaged my cousins FB messages to me and was trying to scam me. When I told them to fuck off and was threatened.

There is something going down in the Indian world but I don’t know if this is connected.

Not sure where or why the surge of anger is coming from either.

I know Darrell doesn’t pick up often when I call now. I have to face that now, he isn’t going to be rubbing my back now. I think his last visit was his goodby.

I feel alone.

Sunday

Things are warm today. Darrell and I talked a long time on the phone. I am making a huge pork roast stew. Listening to Elephant revival and ready to do some stretches before heading to Dads. It’s smells like Grandma’s house. In balence.

https://www.bitchute.com/embed/5dOyC0eOoBOE/

Dr Young talking about American heart association’s data of heart related fatality prectipns due to the jab. Frightening, I predict there will be panic at some point. Right now, it’s denial and disbelief. Kate and Fred would bite my head off if I suggested this. And here in MN , it’s considered a diagnosable mentle illness .

I read the Kissinger quote a few days ago but it’s questionable wether it’s authentic or not … but I believe Dr Young( and others) like judyMilkovic, Malone, Cunningham are telling the truth, and have been right from the start.

I guess the death rates are up about 400 percent, stats vary … some much higher,

He thing is, with shedding, and our food sources, animals being treated, even the unvaxed face the same poisoning effects.

I guess all we can do is wait and see if the predictions pan out as fatal as they say.

I haven’t noticed people dying, or having loved ones die, but I have noticed a lot of illness, and weakened immunity … and parasites. Also brain fog when exposed to Wi-Fi if I leave my phone near me or listen to it at night. The antibiotics Im taking may have killed off some parisites too, I’m feeling so much better , no intestinal distress.

No one’s scared of COVID any more. Not too many. A few people still masking. But no one’s testing or vaccinating either. No one’s talking about it. And no one is talking about vaccines and heart attacks.

No one even talks about NATO and all the weapons and ammo sent to Ukraine and what war with Russia would mean. At least not in my circles. Even in working class bars. It’s all about stuff close at hand, whose cool, whose in or out, lgbt stuff, whose “prejudiced”.

It’s a campaign. Liberals truely believe they’re the peak of awareness and consciousness and everyone else is ignorant,

Or toxic. I could elaborate, but what’s the point

Well, I’m off to my interview. My recruiter recommended me for this because she said she knew me as a kind and compassionate person who cared about the prople in need.

That I understood the problems of the poor.

I cared about Darrell. And how can any real human NOT see and pity the despair in places like Standing Rock. ( and admire the strengths) And yeah I know what it is to be ghettoised, what it can do, the anger.

But what if I said I’ve been hardened and have little genuine compassion for the streets and she got me wrong. After all the shit they did to me?? I’ve seen too much to ever be a bleeding heart again. I’m dispassionate. An observer. An eye not a big beating heart. Cold. I just LOOk all wounded, introverted, squishy … I’m perfectly happy being a selfish, cold, critical and asocial asshole . If some one calls me ignorant I laugh. I don’t care what appalling label they want to slap on me, I see through the tactics. And I don’t give a shit .

What would happen if I said THAT at my interview.

I’m kidding of course.