Casey said it, not me

3 11 2013

We’ll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false.– William Casey, CIA Director (from first staff meeting in 1981)

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November 2013

1 11 2013

St. cloud.  Started out the day making soups to freeze but the meat my folks had in their freezer was no good ay more and one of the soups was ruined.  Not a fresh veggy to be found.  No wonder Milly was blacking out, no nutritional value in her foods.  supposed to go out for pizza tonight. I am really tired, working on hats this after noon  and resting.  yet another night of nightmares.

In this dream there was more devastation.  Darrell’s home had become an art Gallery and I felt pretty close and ‘with him’ but then there followed a series of bombings, his house was bombed, then some other buildings and then my apartment area just outside. Apparently i tried to commit suicide and was cutting myself deeply but failed , stiched myself up and went out looking for answers.  i went over to what seemed to be a cantenna where people we knew hung out.  they looked at me strangely but seemed to at least respect my courage in walking into what was  for me a dangerous area.  No one was talking, although everyone seemed to know who the culpret or culprets were.  Some native women were sitting in a corner area with red bandanas around their heads.  they seemed to be mocking me.  Some of the peo-le there looked like bikers or hobo types, and gang members.  Also present were some women i considered friends and they seemed to think i was in danger and agreed to give me shelter.  They also said they know who the culpret was . . a guy named Joe something or other.  he had a name in the dream but i do not remember it.  i was wearing the clothes of my friend who had offered to let me stay there but left her house partially, or inadequately dressed to try to find Darrell.  I did not know if he was innocent of all this or involved.  i went back to the canteena. it was newly painted with neon signs and a mexican decor.  The word lakota was up on the wall in neon letters.    A few people looked as if they felt a little sorry for me and murmered things like “How humiliating.”

I awoke from this dream in a bad dream hangover that lasted for hours, not improved by the soup that was ruined by meat that had gone bad and ruined my soup.  The day however is improving . . . Dad wants me to stay on a while longer.  Mom is glad to see me but she is quite territorial about her space and would probably resent my hanging around too long although the truth is she can hardly manage now.  her arms ar almost useless from her horrible injuries last year.  i want to find out more about this.

Saturday
Went to bed early. slept well at last. Nice to be in a real bed. Still tired but its too early to make coffee.
funny how every region, certian towns have a distinctive look to them. St. Cloud too has a certian look . . now perhaps my impressions are biased by the type of restuarants my parents choose . . buffet types where people who really like to eat go . . but it seemed like everyone was overweight, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot . . at least in comparison to Bellingham standards.
I like visiting, but it doesn’t take too long before i remember why i was so eager to jump any excuse to come out West,Eddy, the spotted Horse travels . . . .what is the word, commercial? but life is what you make it, where you make it and every area has it own merits.
No nightmares last night. I should go see a counselor about this P>T>S thing, the nightmares all the time that started about a month ago. I mean . . if i want want to keep my S.S.A that’s based on P.T.S.D . . why not get some documentation while I’m suffering from an acute episode . . . just for future reviews.But my distrust of that whole business here in Mn is too profound unless i was very carefull to get the right person. They wouldn’t like what i have to say very much.

Mom and i are going to get some material today and do some sewing. She has a nice machine and that’s something we can do together. Im going to look now for a ribbon shirt pattern.

Sunday
Finally . . a good night’s sleep. Feel really energized this morning. Two soups were successfully completedly, portioned a nd frozen yesterday. i bought some groceries yesterday and that made my Mom happy. Bought fresh green beans, squash, asperagus, meats for soup,some fish, roasted chicken, spinach,broccoli, fruits for fruit salad and other stuff. My priority is to make sure she has something quick and easy that she can eat that actually tastes good and has some nutritional value. My Dad has two arms can forage for himself if nessesary . . but the chili was for him. Today I plan on making up some veggy beef soup.
This has turned out to be a good visit. We had some good talks. Today mom and I were going to pick out some material.
Darrell posted a picture of Sara on his
FB page . . the gall of that guy. How hurtfull . . or thoughtless towards me while I am here in MN. It sends a message loud and clear.
i wonder why men do that. I remember when I was in my 20’s and visiting my parents over Christmas . . I had been building up Derek all the time to them but on christmas day . . . no phone call. He had announced when i departed that susan would be staying at the cabin while i was gone and we would be breaking up . . .like they are trying to introduce hurt into the time i spend with family. Well . . Im not going to feel down about it. But it does make me think about things . . how could i let any person treat me so shabby. Wish i could stay for a while. I could if i was as stubborn about it staking my right to be here if i wanted to as i was in Bellingham but my parents are old, it may be the last time i am with them together so i dont wish to create any friction.
it took so long for me to realize the worth of what matters,

Monday
Got in a swim and back at making food to freeze. Some stew today and mini meantloaves and veggye beef soup. Making dinner tonight too . . a real treat i hope. I worry abouyt the winter to come . . Mom is terrified of falling and she should be. i don’t understand why there isnt any carpet put in in the hallway where she fell last time or why my Dad still lets her drive . . she gets confused, doesnt know where familier places are . . its an accident waiting to happen. do my sisters even know any of this? I have offered to stay in town to help out since i dont really want to go back to Bellingham any more. St. Cloud increasingly has good feel to it . . .people are being friendly, at least the ones ive run across so far. Darrell really doesn’t need me now that Micheal has moved in and he is seeing Sara . . .but if my parents are insistant on calling the shots when it comes to my stay in their world of influence then I havent the temperment to try to fight it . . but i dread the thought of leaving and going back now.
it angers me that my Mom had to go through so much preventable pain in her life . . .the processed crap she usally cooked took its toll. I may have been poor and eaten a poor person diet with lots of bean and rice . . but Im far healthier at the age of 57 than she was. I really dread the thought of what may happen to them with my Dad’s near blind eye sight and Moms confusion driving and frality and both of them unwilling to get in some help like visiting angels to do driving . . i dunno, maybe my Dad can convince Mom to get a town house. sounds like he wants to and i think it’s a good idea . . he could walk to the grocery store from most south dside locations. i will talk to kate and Lynn very soon and see if i can put on a little pressure.

Tuesday
got in another swim and finished up a hat for Mom. i was very depressed all of a sudden last night as the past cam rolling out like a carpet in front of me, so immediate,as if i could see the whole trajectory. Many many thoughts. flooded with sadness and pain but this morning I woke feeling good at last and ready to get my butt back to Bellingham.

Sunday/11/13
Back in Bellingham now, found dearrel in emotional crisis which I have been trying to sooth back to cognizance. Looks like I am in trouble again but no matter. Looking after him this weekend and he seems happier. he is in poor health and I need to watch him. some of his buddies are bringing over big jugs of wine and of course that’s no good . . even if it is his choice . . so I ‘rescued ‘ and stashed him away from his house for a bit to detox and eat, sleep. I have much work to do before next weeks market. Nice to catch up on gardens of time again. I missed it. Had a day in Seattle to myself and I treated myself to an afternoon at the museum of art and shopping for treats at Pike Place. No boy pays much attention to me now, a few women startled when they recognize me and if they could have rushed out to kill without penalty Im sure they would have . . for whatever reason, so that tells me ive been really demonized in a way that’s permanent, had a great deal of influence . although I don’t know the particulars. There is love in my private life and love heals all, when it is matched with insight and character strenghth.

thursday Nov 14, 13
quiche this morning . . collards, onions, bacon and cheese . . yummy! Am going to get my new bed this afternoon. Everything going very well. Darrell is well now. he has a doctors appointment tomarrow and it is very important that he makes it. i am very concerned about the lump in his abdomen . . probably swelling from drinking, or hernia. Hope it is not pancreas. He is 5 days detoxed now and ‘all there’. Im glad we had this time apart from the world to heal away from things that perpetuate strife. i too feel my stress levels much decreased. i can tell by my weight loss and energy. i put on a lot of weight during periods of stress or trauma or alienation . . . .i can eat like a pig and feel O.K. when those creature needs, safety, companionship,routine and so on are met. As much as i like to visit MN, it is, at a deeper level quite stressfull.

Monday
Darrell may need surgery for his hernia, due to old gunshots( Dallas shot him once) and a stab wound. He is in very good spirits since he came back
from our detox retreat. Im glad i did that . . he probably could have detoxed at his own home but i could not have been there for him 5 days and he shouldn’t have been left alone, also too many people likely to drop by.
Just one last time thing were the way they once were and i had him to myself, took charge. Good to walk together again down the rain washed streets of Bellingham during the wee hours on the way back . . how many times did we come and go during these wee hours when no one was up yet.
“Yes,” he patted me on the shoulder,”Sweeters is a tough one. No matter what she has to carry.”
I managed to get 4 nice hats done and i am so irratated that I can’t photograph them . . or the glass etching by Darrell that is so nice.FH000010-37cc1bc52-4559-4b2c-8e58-2ed559cae047
I’ve been sick with some kind og bug the past 3 days, my back hurt in the kidney area, fever nausia chills . . . O.K. today. We spent the evening watching the Native american film festival. I feel honored to be on the friend list of Theda Red Breast.
Andrea is trying to get us a table at the Allied arts holiday bazaar that started this weekend.

Wednesday
Depressed this morning.. Recieved news that Mom had another fall , this time in the tub. She was imobile for 45 minutes before found and was hugely bruised but broke no bones . . . a miracle.
I wrote to my sisters and cousin about my thoughts on this. its so heartbreaking to see this pattern continue to go on after trying to talk with family about making safety precautions and making nessesary changes. I doubt if they will email me back, I tend to get angry. I Just visited my folks and talked at lenghth about wether they ought to remain in the home unassisted. Once again it appeared my Mom fainted or had blackout due to medications. She was taking a med for her bladder infection and said it had made her so dizzy she lost her balence.
My energies this month have been divided between trying to keep the people closest to me alive as they age and become increasing dependent on care.At the same time ive come under flak again on a couple of different fronts . . my blogging desriptions of peoples aggressions and things that cause me distress or pain . . which in turn, gets charecterized as aggression or attack or racism.
I feel as if i am on a whole different plane these days in my concern.
I wish I could get back to work again. ive decided i must do this, the effects of applying for,then getting on a limited S.S.A have been so destructive . . its been a death throes kind of year. I was just thinking of a couple of jobs ive held here that I liked and the incredible energy I put out in years past. Seems like Ive never really shook the lethargy that comes with profound despair and sense of defeat, hopelessness and all Ive done since Darrell moved out is shift between getting on line and sitting on my ass. Im so sick of being so poor.

Saturday 11/22/13
it is cold but clear out and I am ready to do the market todayand make a little cashola.FH000014 (1)FH000012-1FH000010 There is a lady who wants me to put my stuff on commission and i told her after Christmas. need to set up a booth at the Holiday Bazaar pronto. Darrell and i set up outside rite aid yesterday untill his stomich problems forced us to pack up. He is sick again with swelling and pain and nausia. he has not reuturned to drinking. I haven’t drank for a while now and my old body is starting to feel at times like it used to, like a nice place to in habit instead of this delapitated old peeing , coughing, aching, shuffling , hobbling old baggage i have to carry around. I slept last night for 12 hours with the t.v. off . . in the quiet of my own place and i feel so energized this morning. I guess Curtis, Darrell’s brother will be coming out soon while Darrell has his surgery.

i wrote about the Slavery thing in south London yesterday but either it wasn’t saved or some one removed it.

Monday
“The fact that Martin Bashir is still employed after violating FCC obscenity laws, federal hate crime laws, state and federal bullying laws, is despicable and reprehensible and criminal! ”

What ever one thinks of Salin Palin the kind of comments directed at her, without censure are an indication of a culture of viciousness that has been going on a for a long, long time. Ive written about it alot ,but not nearly as much as i could have, as it relates to me and I am a private citizen.most of my comments, good or bad, only reach people interested enough in my private life to search for them. Palin has put herself in public political spotlight and stayed there and taking heat is part of what happens to public figures, but the theater of derison and twisted hate on cable news has spiraled out of comprhension. My feeling is that MSNBC has been doing this for so long and ive sat in front of my t.v. so many times wondering why, why there is never any out rage. A little head shaking here and there, a few murmers of disaproval, a few comments on the ‘evil’ . . . but no one, i mean no one seems to grasp the imlications of using national broadcast to debase people established as political hate targets. Especially left wing hate targets. This is nothing new. and the word hypocracy doesn’t even come close to desribing the reality. I found myself watching Fox on sunday in the wee hours and my hat goes off to David Z. for articulating the excesses of MSBNC so well.
Ive wondered where the ethical people were. ive been wondering that for 17 years. When i see a return to ethics, i will started to be less cynical.

MSNBC is owned by Comcast. Microsoft no longer has a part of it as far as i know. And Comcast is Al Gore’s baby.

(later) then again . . i just read this excerpt by Palin. It may or may not be a satire, and if it IS attributable to her it may be an act, as i believe much of her persona is. but here it is:

“Thanksgiving is for real Americans not Indians. We founded this Christian nation. Why if it wasn’t for the God-fearing pilgrims, the natives would still be running around in loin cloths shooting at things with their arrows. The gracious host tried to save her by stating, “Surely, you’re aware that the Indians were the native population of this country and were driven from their homes by the European settlers. This further incited Palin and her rant continued, “I’ll tell ya what I know. I know that these tribes do a lot of whining. I mean they got special rights up the wazzoo. They have those casinos all over the place. Seems to me they got a great deal. If they would just put down the bottle and whatever they’re smoking in those peace pipes and get a job like the rest of us, they’d be alright. I see it all the time in Alaska with the Inuit. They just don’t want to join the rest of us. They’re still hunting whale for gosh sake.” ” ~ Sarah Palin November 2013

(later) this article expresses it well.
http://www.usnews.com/opinion/blogs/susan-milligan/2013/11/25/martin-bashirs-insult-to-sarah-palin-went-too-far

Tuesday
Well . . .that’s what happens when you watch cable news. There is a turkey in the oven this afternoon. I bought some new yarns. I am so proud of Darrell and the way he is living his life now. I didn’t think i would ever see this again. he has not gone back to drinking and he has become so much wiser in whom he lets into his home. He is so handsome when he’s not drinking . So funny and such good company. Anger and pain drain away if you let it.
Nothin MSNBC or anybody can do to bring us down on days like these.

Saturday
Market day. they were predicting rain but it looks clear. i have little to sell. Ive been busy with thanksgiving preperations and feast and yesterday the wake and procession or Kwina, a Lummi friend of Darrells’. Darrell was an honorary pall bearer.
After the open casket in Bellingham We went out to Lummi for the last part of ceremonies. Kwina lay in a cedar coffin put together by Lummi carvers. Im glad we were invited to participate in these ceremonies. It has been a long time since we participated in Lummi gatherings of any kind. Once we used to go out for canoe journeys, potlaches, pow wows but it has been many , many years. I regretted this.
Most of my interactions with the reservations in the years that followed came through the filter of street life . . which is to say a filter of toxicity in which Darrell was the interpreter. Just as the toxicity that can arise from the self abuse of drugs and alchohol can radiate outward into a theater of abuse so can the energies that arise from respect , beauty , ceremony and tradition.
I pointed out to Darrell that his respecting his own spirit by not drinking so much made it possible to participate in the rituals of respect that brought him . . and me . . into the larger picture.
i remember Kwina as a gentle , easy going man. He was never unkind towards me, what ever he may have thought in private.
He was Darrell’s buddy , like many of Darrell’s circle he did his share of street drinking that I didnt share in. Several of the people who came to pay respects were from this crowd . . how odd it felt to see them in a different context . . not as people I resented for ‘stealing’ Darrell away from me, demonizing me and leaving me with the headache . . but as members of a family and tribal group with shared memories and histories.
Darrell and i got a ride home with a man who offered to bring Darrell some fresh devil’s claw for his stomach ailments.
When we arrived home Darrell thanked me for coming with him and said he was glad we did that.