January 2020

off to the doctor with bum leg. cant afford to take time off to heal.

Gyms opened yesterday and I got in my first swim since Quar atine began. No one can imagine how egood that felt. Bought a new pair of jeans and got a haircut and I feel happy and rejuvinated after a deepning period of depression.

Jimmy Dore was raging at the squad yesterday and I totally agree with him. They could have forced Medicare for all with Nancy Pdelosi by withholding thier vot for her . They didnt. Im half assed tempted to write a letter to Jimmy about what I know of the progressive deception here in MN over the years. Ive been thinking about writting out the story beginning with Minneapolis years, mainly because I sense there’s been more media (or perhaps local media too ) charecter assasination. I base that on rections of people. I havent actually caught anything myself ..since I rarely listen to mainstream news these days. But I have in the past and ,getting pretty good at gauging whats been said by the reactions ( usually smug, or laughter if the charecter assasination is humiliating or abusive enough). I wonder however if Im being goaded to a res[onse when i would rather live in the here and now instead of taking it all one and hoisting up the tired old flag. Dore and I are on the same page on a lot of things. What I have to describe would blow his mind . . more than this last dissapointment by the squad. it was big.

1/6

degenerative lumber scolitis. Or something like that. Also some bone spurs in hips causing bursitis pain. hip joint. Surprised that moderate arthritis is in my back . . but that would explain the wierdness and on and off pain , sometimes imobilizing in my inner thigh; re quested a day off but i know the crew is going to think Im bullshitting. My own doctor thought i was bullshitting even though i could hardly make it into the waiting room. I dont know . . shes never even requested blood work when i have my physical . . If sone one is having pain in the lymph node area shouldn’t they take blood work?? When I had covid they never een asked me to come in, much less follow up. No questions about how I was dealing with possible post covid . . .I need to get a different Dr.

The opening of the gyms could not have come at a better tim since i have always relied on self healing and preventive health to keep on going. Swimming keeps my cardio vascular healthy and my blood pressure down. If a blood clot formed in my leg or something id be in trouble since ive most likey in herited a inherited matrilineal clotting disorder that all the Murphy women get.

1/7/21

Getting ready for work. Leg is fine this morning’ I doused myself with foul smoothies of tumeric, Kale,sprulina, chlorella, what grass, good belly probiotics and Nancy’s yogert.

Riots at the capitol. What is amazing is that it actually got as far as it did. One thing it did do was demonstrate that it could be done. and that message will not be lost. I believe the police were siding with the patriot protesters and so allowed it to get that far. Wether or not Trump initiated this isup in the air for debate. Of course the left accuse him of inciting violence, to be expected .. .as if the many statementas over the years, like those of Maxine Waters didnt.

They may shut down his twitter. There are many that would rejoice in that. I believe in the freedom of speech . .even when its obnoxious . . .so many intersting journalists have been censored the past year or two. I was massively punished in the past decade when I spoke out in ways disliked by the left.

So its a personal issue with me.

Darrell told me yesterday that I was tough. i was a tough woman, I didnt even know how tough I was.

I must have been, woman dont get lumber scolitis nearly as often as men unless they;ve worked very hard hoisting packs of shingles or shit all their lives. Guys who built the pyramids got that stuff.

1/8

Darrell also told me that all the things Id said about him were all true over the years. ALLof them.?? he may have been joking around. I havent said enough about the good in him over the years. And as for the bad, it,s hard to see much of that in the battered and broken soul today. He says he is content with the refuge and tedium of just watching t.v. and eatting a few good meals here. Theres not much that craves the street life anymore. I ask him if he is comfortable and he says yes, i just let him be. Sometimes we are ships that pass, in the fog, and sometimes we still cuddle up nd talk.

I did a little digging into the election fraud controversy and the maasive turn out at the capitol.

A couple of researchers are saying that election results were flipped by some guys in Italy, who are on the run now. that they did it with some pretty sophisticated satellite tech. That it is tied in with NATO and a lot of cash from Obama. Robert Steele and Cynthia McKenny are pointing to NATO. If all that is true then trump reallly DID win the election but the research into the guys from Italy didnt come out in time to stop the confirmation of Biden. perhaps the riots were infiltrated by provocatuers to push the senate into condemnation of Trump and seal the confirmation just as this info was coming out.

Then there’s reporting from the scene stating that some of these ‘patriots’ did not seem like the trumpers, but rather antifa infiltrators. Well false flags were the halmark of Obama administration so it doesn’t surprise me that this new administration would be ushered in with one. And speaking of Obama, Im reaading things about the 14 pallets of cash he took when he left office for the purpose of undermining the Trump administration and distributed it to several places but largely Italy. That’s a lot of cash. OUR cash. Ill post the link to the Robert David Steele and Cynthia McKenny interview.

I see they are building a bigger, better fence around the white house now. BUILD THAT WALL lol.

They are scared. It could happen. It really could now .. .an uprising of people tired of corona virus lockdown lies and the destruction of thier businesses and family and social structures,media bullshit, and resistance to more centralized controll , survellience nd censorship among a many many other things.

Where is the military on this?? divided?

My leg and hips continue to hurt but I am walking good enough to do my job. How come that dr didnt recommend cortizone or steroids or something?? Not to mention pain killers. If i was a junkie I would have abused my flexol , which i dont. So why not 10 vicodin??

As it turned out, this clinic straight out lied to us about Darrell’s blood sugar being at 800, to scare him into the hospital. Get him on insulin . His dr. made a slip of the tounge and gave it away. But all is well, his blood sugar had been high enoough to demand attention. Its good now and he’s even not using insulin on good days. He monitors it and controlls his diet.

Darrell says they justwnated to make money off of him while his insurance was good.Its all about the money. What bout th two insurance policies I have, I cant get 10 vicoden?? Apost covid check up? Some blood work??

1/13

Awaiting the results of impeachment procedings. Seems kind of pointless at this stage, but it will keep him from running in 2024. Assuming that Biden WILL be our next president, despite the looming threat of massive protests ahead,I guess Im trying to look optomistically at some good things that could happen . . . like moving ahead on climate issues. Around here people are quite divided on the oil fields jobs in North Dakota and the pipe line issue. Yes, there’s jobs in North Dakota right now . . .but what about all the jobs that could open up with energy tech NOT based on oil?? Why not have something kind of like the old WPA . . put unemployed [people to work on infrastructure and things.

1-21Innauguration transpired without incident. I fear this is the end of the republic. Historic.

1-22 Everything wrong. Deeply depressed. Dreamt last night about finding divorce court at the top level of a very sophisticated building. It looked like one of those quick wedding places in Las Vegas except that it was for the stars. The stuff of tabloids. They had crackers and cripy pita bread and stuff at the entrance.

Notes. top floor may mean conciousness. No one cn understand the black despair and pain . I try so hard to b positive and its all so wrong. no matter what i do. i dont understnad. I dont understand why why some one like tucker calson would have said the things he did .

1-25

Yesterday, incontrast to the blackening, despairing mood of Friday, felt hopeful, joyful even. Fresh snow had fallen, light and powdery and glistening in the bright, bright sun. An usually bright and warm sunlight for January. As I drove around doing my errands, i felt the warmth on my face and was gladdened to be in the moment. It was so very beautiful out. I bought lots of feed and treats for the wild birds, made some good dinners for Darrell and was content with simply getting my home in order.

1/28

I took the day off yesterday , for healing. Feeling better. Dad promised me some money money and that always brings me up . . . except when its a trick, like bringing me to St. Cloud in the first place. It signifies hope. Choices, The means to make some choices.

” Oh, I just wanted to get rid of it, ” he said.” How did i get so much money?? Why wait untill the end??”

“Dad,” i said, “Do you realize how odd that sounds. Oh . . . i just wanted to get rid of it, like it was just laying around and a nuscience.”

We had brunch a few days ago. The first time in agses. He has aged so much, can barely hear or see.

He asked me what i remembered of my childhood, did i have good memories? He said he remembered mON yelling at me all the time,.

I comforted him rather than confronting himas i sometimes imagine when i have angry overviews of my life. Whats the point. He’s 93. Let his last yers be easeful. And i do have happy memories. Lots of them. But there were also some hidden patterns of relating that were very disturbing, damaging. I have no rage or blame in me any more, I hope my spiritual growth has gone farther than that.

I told him that Mom was not an isolated case . . if you want to call it that. She reflected what she’d been taught and old catholic central Minnesota tended to be critical, punishment orientated, not very affirmative . . not that she didnt feel love . . .only that she had not learned spontanious ways of affirming it. She certianly was devoted to my Dad, even though he could be cruel sometimes in his mysogany. Again, he was not alone but part of a cultural matrix. Even so, the Egerman brothers were known for this. It was my uncle

tom, after all, who told my Dad to ‘let me fend for myself’ when I came to Minneapolis. Fend for myself . . . in Murderapolis in the early 90s. Nice place to fend for ones self, no money, no big city skills. People around here do this outrage and shock and contempt thing ( for 20 years) but they have no idea . . . I actually fended for myself and got wise pretty quick. Most of the people on the streets there are still there or dead. I got to uptown on my own, I slipped through the snares of mischief in the trip to seattle 98, I got to madison and a secure little nest on my own no help from anyone, and i kept a roof over our heads in Bellingham for 17 years . . not to mention here.

Yet to my Dad, I am always in his eyes, a sack of shit. He talks alot about how delightfull i was as a little girl and how everyone loved me. But those memories never extend beyond my being a little girl. i wanted to ask him who was I to you when i was 12 or 15 or 17? Did you notice or reall care?? He did all the things a father should do, and he was a good man, but he lived in his own world, of selctive attention. He didnt pay a lot of attention to Moms actions toward her kids. he remained passive. That innattention is most glaring when i was struggling, alone in Minneapolis. What did he think would happen?? The Egermans were well known and not particulary liked by a lot of people . . alot of people thought they thought they were better than everybody else. What better satisfaction for the underclass than dragging down, one of the cast out ones struggling on thier turf. Abanbdonment signals prey. You can do what you want wth such women because Dady will not rescue, or even care.

I didnt say these things . .. . whats the point. Im grown now. I dont like causing pain to others . . . i dont get my jollies ‘confronting’. Sometimes I loose it if Im being disrespected too much, or feel used tooo much but even when thats going on, I usually find my peace and space internally these days. As long as my survival is not threatened I can adjust. so I told my Dad,

I see you as a good man. An unsung hero . . . thgere’s word of assholes out there that makes our old mistakes pretty trivial.”