A few minutes before work. Darrell inMinneapolis detox. He slipped up , went into his crazy mind day after father’s day, which seemed to trigger his fragmentation. my slipping up all the time didnt help. The realators came by with buyers and woke him up and he attacked them. The landlord was pretty angry and demanded that Darrell get off the property. I got him a tacket to Rapid City to his daughters but she was not in a position to have guests. So i ended up dropping him off near Wakigen, at his request.
When I returned 6 days later i found him a total wreck, tired, olver heated, drunk and smelly, hungry. For soe reason he did not register for a room at Wakigen, which although it is not an ideal place to live at least allows him the privacy of a room , meals and bathing.
I picked him up and tried to find something to eat. He wanted Popeyes chicken, but Popeyes ,like so many businesses was closed and boarded up.
So much I could write about post protests Minneapolis. The scope of it really shocked me. I dont have the time to delve into my state of mind, or my thoughts and memories right now but its been very hard. I feel like such a creep. I felt like Darrells suffering were my moral faliugre and I deserved his inevitable rage. I did manage to get him into Detox, where he can rest, eat, shower and think a little more clearly about his options. I put him in touch with his family. He gets out tommarrow, I wish i could just bring him home . . but once again I am caught in the drama of facing eviction if I let Darrell back on the property, a drama that’s been played out for years and years . . it always goes this way, and it seems i am always blamed for his homelessness no matter how i handle it.
President Trump will be holding an address at Mount Rushmore today and I fear this will spark even greater outrage than George Floyd. it is an outragte. A deliberaate slap in the face . . not just insensitivity. What the hell is he trying to do??
(later) I just talked with detox in Minneapolis and it seems Darrell never went to detox after his stay in the hospital. Talked with the desk at Wakigen and they ressured me that thier community networked and looked out for each other, that if Darrell was in heat exhaustion or diabetic reaction they would make sure he was taken care of, and if he got smelly enough and tired enough he would use thier shelter and wash his clothes and if he got tired of the lifestyle he would go threw the process od checking in for residencey.
(Yes . . .come on back to the fold, to Indian socialism. We’ll take care of you. You need US. Darrell rebeled against their stewerdship 20 years ago as much as he rebeled against everything else. . . .he wanted to be his own man, prove that he could do it out West . . . and to some extent he DID make a name for himself . . it remains to be seen if he comes in . . They already GOT all the Art he did . . that we did. God how they hated to give me any credit for anything positive, see us thrive on our own terms . . but that’s the nature of power and controll, its the way people who wield power and control are. )
They assured me that running down to Minneapolis was not the thing to do . . . yet . . . only a short tinme ago we were riding bikes, going to Lake George, the gardens, restuarants when they finally opended.
Darrell said he had not eaten . . .thats depression. me too. Ive eaten but i stopped buying food and cooking meals and doing projects and housecleaning beyond the absolute nessessary.
This evening i went to the swimming hole out at the quarrys. 
getting out into deep water and then floating on my back and looking up at the clouds, far away from all the chattering people, feeling the water rock me and feeling absolutely confident in my swimming abilities and trust of water. Wh6y i wonder do i trust water more than people?? Maybe thats how the whale ancestor took to water. One day some whale ancestor went out beyond the perimiter and floated around and was feeling like hell with those hippos, i trust water more than I trust hippos. Maybe I was a whale ancestor once. or a seal. A Sulkie . . sp?
A lot of fathers were there watching thier kids. Like burly sentinals thigh deep in water . . Like it was an african water hole. A lot of Latinos were happily splashing with thier tots, maybe a family picnic?? And their males doing sentinal too. Not as obvious, not as muscular .
and kids. Well . . . kids are kids. not one of them less than delighted to be playing.
I was the only woman not in a bathing suit. i took my jeans off and went and did my rounds around the quarry in my long tee shirt. I was the only woman who swam for 45 minutes out past the ropes. Did that make me a weirdo? an odd ball? I dont know and i dont care if it was cool to put my jeans back on with all those kids . . they’ve seen underwear before and besides, at my age, who cares.
I feel a little bit more attractive this evening. Perhaps i can get down to Minneapolis and find a cheap motel room . . .there are some. That way i could give Darrell a night of t.v. and we could talk. I did everything wrong when i went down there Thursday. I feel like everything I do to help only makes his life miserable. He gravating to a kill washicu thing . . .thats the booze, and where he finds himself inhot weather . . .and feeling like he cant get up this time, hes too frail, hes feeling powerless and discriminated against , thats why he talking like that. Still, Its been increasing and i have to deal with that . . . it creates waves
(Later) I’ ve been taking steps to clear my mind and get in better psychological shape to make desisions . . . this evening, after working 14 hours , i cleaned up my house, watered flowers and garden, did a load of laundry, dishes, , Tomarow i work another 14 hours , then i will swim. Wednesday I have free . . . i will try to get to Minneapolis. I still have Darrrels broken glasses in my purse. I tried to fix them Saturday but everything closd for fourth of July weekend.
I will bring a lightweight pair of scrubs for him to change into at the motel, his suitcase of clothes and Ill bring some hot burgers instead of looking for a place to get take out.
The only problem with this plan is that I have to be back at work at 6 a.m.. I could order a cab the night before to pcik up Darrell at check out time and take him back to the hood I guess. mId have to leave at about 3 AM. Im sure his friends must have chipped in for a motel room on one of these hot or stormy days. I mean, he gets a check . . .
I dont think he really wants to be a couple anymore . . . .I still need to see him . . . . but itsd all over . . . Im done. Nothing now. Just lonely, having driven off my closest friend . . and why?? Why did i do that???
7/8/2020
Fixed the glasses and made fry bread early this morning and then it started to storm. Torrential rain, skys so dark it looked like night. Soaked to the bone just stepping outside. I am waiting for storm to lighten up before heading to Minneapolis feeling like it will be futile . . . he wont be sitting out in any bench or tramp encamoment. Wakigen desk told me where I might find these hangouts . . . by taco time or zips .. . but not in this rain.
absolutely no way to find him or contact him without any personl leads. No one has seen him lately or he doesnt want to be found or contacted. Still, I will try.
7/9 Found him and took him to a cheap motel on 57th and Lyndale. Got him in the tub and spent the rest of the day just lazing about, eatting and sipping a few. We talked a lot, a lot of it nonsense inretrospect. I guess he nearly died at the hospital and was there longer than I knew. Heart problem. I guess he has some blockag and has had too many surgeries for them to try another. Esentially what he was telling me was that he had a heart attack. He was warned he would not survive another one. I kind of suspect he was doing something like meth . . . which is stupid at his age but I dont know for sure. At any rate , hes resting now. I probabl6y should have heeded the advice and let him manage on his own instead of getting all wrapped into this stuff. At least he is O>K>
7/15
Darrell safe and resting this past week.
Not smoking cigarettes, or weed ( he went through nearly 1000 dollars on weed when he got his stimulus check) eatting a lot of fruits, veggies and juices. He’s not able to travel yet though and it sounds like his kin are reluctant to take care of him. I dont know what to do either.
As it turned out . . . the advice from Wakigen about people networking and looking out for one another and me just stepping aside was wrong and it’s a good thing I desregarded it and went down to Minneapolis when I did. I had been feeling like everything I did was wrong but I got him help at least by taking him to detox or he would have died of a heart attack. Detox kept us waiting in the intense heat for nearly 40 minutes while he suffered, then the ambulence showed up and i watched as they lifted him onto the stretcher on a sheet and I had the awfullest premenition . . .remembering them lifting my Mom the night before she died . . and her last words “I’m already dead.”.
The terrible woman saved his life. At least for now. No one around here understands our life out West . 
They dont believe in my loyalty or understand why. They dont need to.
Its my life and . . . his. Strangely I feel like my cousins Jean and Micheal from Basalm lake understand. Both of them run an art gallery. And Im gratefull for thier concern and support.
7/17
Feeling emotionally worn out and fragile. Spent the evening with Darrell in ER over heart attack symptoms. Another day wasted babysitting . . . and this time I was scared he was really having re occuring heart attack. He was OK. I listened to the Dr read the report from the hhospital in Minneapolis and although his heart whad been stressed and he had been having a problem it wasn’t as drastic as he had portrayed it. Then I talked with Lavbonne and she said he had never been in the military. Stunner. After years of hearing his war stories, his so called PTSD rants and raves and crying spells . . all bullshit????? All lies????
Ive just been through hell, emotionally . . feeling bad for him, feeling bad for over reacting to his behavior at my house , feeling like the terrible woman . . . and it was all bullshit?? All staged???? All these years??? I dont know what to think. Well . . . I know what I think and it isnt very good. But why should i be surprised, when Ive been accusing him of a vast con game for years . . . and been angry at the degree with which he suckered so many people so easily . . and here, its me who must face the shame of having been taken in. And I should know better.
More over, I was yelled at by my boss when I requested permisssion to leave at 12 30 to take Darrell back to the cardio vascular department. Yelled at bad which practically brought me to tears . I was so exhausted and played out . . and then anger at the severity of the attack, one of soo many Ive been under here.
Now all i want is to be alone . . so badly. I felt pity over this supposed heart attack i felt I had helped bring on so I brought him home, even though I could be evicted . . . now he wants to stay, hes taken over my room, and has no plans to leave and Ive been so very stupid to fall for this ‘save darrell who almost died.’ and bring down a escalating problem for me. I did not over react so much after all when I had the cops take him to detox . . his bullshit threatened my home here.
7/18
7/19
Deppression this morning. Still sorting things out and have avoided confrontation. Feeling so angry too, at so many things.
Still the same old thing . . . the same old asides and comments and judgements Ive been hearing since Madison . . mostly from women, but not all. It shouldnt trigger me so much . . but a lot of it brings back such oceans of pain. Why am I still dealing with Madison energy here?? I have been standing up and speaking out about things that happen . . and mostly my confidents are in agreement with me that its uncalled for, not acceptable behavior,
The good thing going on now is that i quit drinking altogether for many reasons. its not bothering me except for hypersensitivity, volitility, in some ways its kind of an adventure to see where ones mind unfolds daily . I note that my attention is better, my curiosity heightened when it comes to understanding my world. I am less prone to the abyss of negative self evaluation, self shaming, guilt, feelings of hopelessness, of faliure,
But that can mean watch out. When Im feeling strong in myself I can bite when Im poked.
7/22
Discovered that Darrell is still on S.S.I ( which he got befor he was 65 ) which is why he has WA State health insurance . . useless here. I told him he must switch over to S.S.A as soon as possible and get the automatic medicare but he is afraid of losing his WA benifits and not getting his payments. I did explain that once he is on Medicare his payments will continue with more benefits . . but theres no reasoning with him. I also hooked him up with MN insurance BRIVA and hes supposed to have an interview this afternoon. He keeps talking about going out to WA and how friendly the people were and how much they help people and care about people . . I warned him that covid had changed things, that they may not have the resources or invest all the time and attention they once did . . . warned him he should call his old social worker before running out there but just no talking to him. Well . . if he decides to stay in MN he will have to switch over to MN insurance and SSA and let the WA benefits go. He will have to decide. I can help him with some things but not if hes so delusional and magical in his thinking . . I put him on the list with HRA for disabled subsidized housing here . . . .
He lost the key to his car so we have to look into getting a duplicate made somehow.
I really dont know what to do. When I thought Id almost lost him to a heart attack I was talking all lovey about me getting senior housing and putting him on the lease and getting apointed caretaker . . but now . . . .
Thats a massive game he has been playing . . I think he is trying to destroy me, my standing in this community, my reputation, even put me on the streets after using up all my resources. Like they say in the song; what’s love got to do with it. Yet, he says he loves me, he has hugs and affection , he says he will never let me go . . .Maybe he just likes to make an emotional Yo Yo of me, break down my strenghth. Confuse me.
As for me. I gave notice on my second job and already Im regreting it . . but its too much. I want to do my Hat Lady thing and sign up as a guest vendor so I need some of my Saturdays free. I also looked into taking some vacation time and perhaps traveling with Darrell by train back to Bellingham and helping him get hooked back up. But Camping out there might be very dangerous for me there and i havent enough to afford a week of Motels.
Maybe two days?? I mean, Everything I did in Bellingham was an attempt to keep that huge homeless community at Bay and protect my little world.. I hated being tied to it through Darrells problems. And I loved my apartment there with its big bay windows and I loved the beauty of the town, so many things I loved, the Bay, the boats, going to Gooseberry point, even the downtown area . . .and all that got ruined for me by that crowd . . . do i really want to spend even a few days without my beloved apartment , sleeping in some park?? Its too dangerous based on what I know, doesnt matter what others know.
7/24
Saw Dad for the first time since the beginning of March. We had to sit outside about 8 feet or more apart and keep our masks on, monitored by an ‘interpreter’ since Dad is nearly deaf. No matter how much I shouted he just couldn’t hear me . It was such astruggle and i was so angry at the utter absurbity of it all . . . not absurbity, tourture.
Dad is holding up pretty well, seems to have gotten used to it. He’s pretty tough.
At least with Darrell, its masks off . . .no falsely cheerfull 20 year old maoist puppet is going to police that guy . . . and they know it. Thatsa why I need him. Despite all his bad behaviors . . . he is immune to the socialization and brainwashing. But its strange to watch my Dad having to submit to this kind of domination when Colnol Egerman has been so in charge . . so . . .well, Egerman. He never even concieved of such a finale when he planned his retirement there . . close to all the restuarants. Too bad he couldnt have moved there a few years earlier with Mom, she would have had a happy last few years instead of the lonely, unhappy ones she had.
Darrell has definetly decided to go to WA after the first. And I have decided not to. I will take a vacation somewhere else after he leaves.
7/25
working full steam ahead on the printing up of Darrells art. I found the thumb drives, including the one with all the two ups of his recent cartoons except for jail albumn. Using my home printer for most of the printing. Darrell is in a much better mood. He has some work to do now till departure time . Everything has to be put into envelopes and sleeves. He will have bunch of new work to show when he gets there. . where he is still a very popular, populist artist.
Feels like old times almost. I too am getting set up for my displays in August. Rethinking wether i ought to go with Darrell out West for a week. We could set up at the Saturday market and that would pay for motel room.
7/31Life has been more concious, loving and orderly.
Darrell is stressed trying to figure out his options and I am trying to help him the best i can but Im staying in a more concious and calm part of my self and getting things done.
We have a lot of art in envelopes and sleeves, a lot, and it wasn’t cheap. But that is an empowering direction . . compared to disempowering actions of drinking too much, blows up and scattered energies. I also got him another tablet so we can stay in touch.
it was my faliure to look after his bag when he was taken to the hospital by ambulence that cost him his tablet, cards for sale and the only key to his car. Trying to figure out how to re key that car parked on his rez is a big problem bu we are thinking of driving out Monday , doing the tabs and hotwiring it and taking it to a honda dealership in Bismark. Thats a lot of time and energy, so the plan has to be well thought out and do able.
i quit my second job nd it feels good to have time to accomplish things, bit by bit,.
I put Darrell on the HUD housing here but no feed back on that yet. So have I, and this time i put him on the lease . However he is set on going back to Washington, where i fear he will fall into lonely despair and maybe die. but I tried to get him on the list here. i tried to get him to register at Wakigen . . . Im out of options except let him choose his destiny but try to make it so theres a way back.
I have been swimming and drinking repells me right now. Tonight i want to do some yoga, then have Darrell sage the house andwe can meditate together and hope that by choosing light, instead of strife, that there will be light in the days to come.
8/2
Darrell takes off at midnight tonight for the West Coast. Now that hes sorted out his feelings and has a plan he is forward thinking again. Theres a place here in Minnesota, Northland or something that wants to carry his cards . . .so something positive came out of our time here, my art help was not in vain. i will work with Juanita on this. I have the thumbdrives and originals . . she has the contacts.
He will have a lot, I mean a lot of new art when he heads west. I have to go to work and cant delve into my emotions right now except to say that we are accepting, not torn or ambivolent. I will miss him.
Ive decided to take a trip to the North shore drive in northern Minnesota for my vacaion. And now i must really buckle down to get my own crafts ready to sell.
Yesterday was a glorious day. Warm but not not hot, sunny with clouds that were enormous and dramtic like huge bunny gods infusing us with life and divine light.
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