February 2015

2 02 2015

February 2 Asthma has me dragging. Super bowl party at Darrells place yesterday.  All the wagon burners were there .  It’s getting to be the green dragon over there.  Darrell is in love , he tries to hide it but I been there and I know it.  It’s all right.  I don’t know why but it is. Nice lady who understands foot ball.  i feel like i am in the way when she shows up on game day, sort of holding on to my turf status for a bit . . but im not the type to be an ass hole,not a wimp who quits without a fight but  I just back out out of pride, maybe some maturity at last . . . i mean, it’s not like we were making each other that happy, so if he finds someone who does, and i can tell she does and is some one i actually like, well, why make enimies . . . but it doesn’t mean i like to watch it, take a back seat just to be a good sport.  No crazy shit going on this party, although plenty of beer. the tone was very different. I rarely get to hang out with the wagon burners , and i wasn’t expected to be there but Darrell didn’t mind my sticking around and socializing for a while . . it does a lot of good sometimes, to hold your own, find out what’s in the air.  These guys pretty volitile about the percieved genocide by drugs and chemicals .   (According to a study presented by the Native American Congress, Native Americans have one of the highest rates of meth use in the country and are targets for drug cartels operating in the United States from Mexico.

“Meth abuse is becoming more prevalent each day as it destroys the lives of our families and loved ones,” said Eddie Hamilton, Governor of the Cheyenne & Arapaho Tribes. “We must declare war on that which would seek to destroy us. This is a cause that we must stand together and conquer as a Nation.”)

Something big is in the making, much more encompasing than making karen ‘pay’. At least they got a sense of who I am, I know a few things , been afew places, seen afew things . . . not as ignorant as they think . . . but I am no party personality these days.  i so rarely talk to people any more that I am out of practice and more content to listen.  I wasn’t feeling very well at all and left before the game was over. January 3 on the way to the pool.  Scarlett moved into the building yesterday and I could not be more pleased. some one to discuss Jesus in India theories with . . . alright. parties continu at Darrell’s.  I stopped in while he was alone for a while and he was affectionet.  We, Darrell, Curtis and I ended up telling good  stories . . about Bruce’s passing. A story worth re telling  but I have no time right now . . .but it’s an example of how, the snarkiness of one of my co workers at W.W  in 2002 or 3    affected an entire Hunkpapa clan  in tragic ways.  She kept me waiting for my paycheck for 3 days because ‘she had a cold’ and didn’t want to get it for me even though I told her that Darrell’s brother was dying ( WE don’t care)  and he needed to get home immediately. Revenge for walking out on her . I had to go out to Lynden and hoist buckets of frozen blueberries into a box car in the sleet to get the cash for Darrells ticket and then, Bruce died before Darrell even reached his bed side. We talked about Ghosts. What had been happening in our lives when different people passed. What a tragic lot has been dished out to Curtis over the years. Then we told tales about my trip to Standing Rock.  Karen from the Hope house, and Geronimo were there and this was the first time they had heard these stories and how connected our histories had been over the years.  I laughed about how the progressive were saying “she’s sooooo brave.” when I went to Standing Rock by myself.  I felt pretty confident in my instincts about Lakota protocol that no matter what their personal opinions of me might be, that I would be safe.  It would be terrible manners to harm a guest who had travelled so far to see someone she cared for . . putting myself entirely into their territory, their power and control to do so. it would be respected . . as long as I didn’t over stay my visit.   Soo others at the party took up the chant , saying “Your sooooooooooo brave.” , shaking my hand and generally having a great deal of fun with this. I don’t want to get in the habit of drinking with is crowd , and Darrell doesn’t want it either, but helps de escalate things for the moment. Friday Right now I am pretty disqusted with curtis’s behaviors, and Darrell’s too . . i was hopping mad the other day when i brought over some food, found more pornography going on and the patty melt treats i brought over dumped all over the floor.  i was angry . . this had been a place i had helped Darrell establish for himself and id been treated pretty shabby . . . but the continued porno scene sickened and angered me too much so i have decided to leave those two to thier new lifestyle.  its not MY world.  That stuff will catch up with them . . and it is, big time, in leaps and bounds.  Im not going to waste any more time cooking up and caring for these assholes. Im done with it. Saturday yesterday was inspections and I got up early to do some heavy cleaning. Everything done but the oven.  A good feeling. Spent time crocheting a head band and then off to the food bank.  although I have enough food I prefer to go to the food bank early in the month when there are fewer people and better goods and save up rather than wait until later when the lines are long and they are down to commodities.  I got a lamb roast and a brisket, pork for stir fry , two salmon steaks and a bunch of cooked shrimp and cocktail sauce.  that’s pretty high living . . I don’t remember when they gave out meats like that before . . turkeys around holidays, and sometimes hams, and big bags of chicken thighs . . . but not briskets generally along with salmon.  I am looking forward to doing something with the lamb today.  I thought perhaps marinating it in olive oil with garlic and oregano and spices for soulvaki , but I think it’s already seasoned and cooked . . so maybe Ill crack open my east Indian cook book and make a korma or something.  I continue to watch back to back episodes of Downtown Abbey. it’s going to cost me come Comcast billing time  but what the hell. Ive wondered over the years what the appeal was of this program but never tuned into it because Id missed so many episodes.  I assumed it had to do with  life in an English village.  Well, right from the first episode I got hooked and I think I know why it has so much appeal . Its a glimpse of a mannered  aristocratic life that is gone. A world very different from the rude world many people find themselves in . . there’s a longing for a more genteel world,where people have self control, ritual, and grace. there’s a yearning for the days of responsible, paternal order. Not to mention the beautiful dresses. I enjoy the women’s fashions . Also the history. it’s a time period of great changes in the established order of things in Europe. with our fast paced technological changes today it is hard for us to imagine how profound those changes were. the Russian revolution, the fight for Irish Independence, women’s rights, w.w.1 . . .the invention of the telephone, electricity, the gramophone . . . the car. But I wonder if the show isn’t a little too nostalgic. Would most people really like to go back to a world which consisted mostly of social calls and dressing up for dinner? women even in herite much less vote.  People forget that when people went into service their private lives were very limited. A lot of work, long hours, startlingly simple rooms of their own and no married life. I would like to try it though. As long as there was a library. the show rarely touches on the more troubling aspects of empire. what was going on in India or the Congo , things like that. It mostly showcases English virtues. commen sense.  Self control. The benevolent paternalism of the landowner dealing with social change. Still . . . I find all the different storylines engaging and Im going to be sad when I finally catch up and have no more back episode to watch. Today will be a good day. I plan to swim when the sun comes up. (Later) despite my fire breathing anger, which probably could use some self analysis,  I checked on Darrell. Same old mess. Andrea tweaked the computer however and ended the pornography. I swear i wanted to kill those guys when i came over with that patty melt, an old treat from my days with Darrell, only to have it dumped on the floor by some really really drunk  guy with his eyes glued to cocks and crotches. A sad scene . . i know I am putting myself at risk by writting of this  . . . but i cant imagine a woman in this world, what ever race or nationality that cant relate . . . . i think Curits was feeling a little guilty so he gave me his food stamp card and told me to get them 100 worth of groceries and use the rest.    I bought a few things for myself, some hummas and shit.  I sat down and talked to each of them about curtis going into Detox.  I told Curtis i would pay for the cab fare. there is a dnager of some one falling down the stairs, or getting beat up in the park or worse . . both Darrell and i tried to tell curtis that he cannot do what he is doing.  There are guys that will kill him.  If he is vulnerable and darrell is enabling him to drink and then abusing him ( which i told Curits) then detox is a safe place away.  he said he cannot find girls there . . as if he were finding girls OUT of detox.  Poking Darrell a little i tried to sell the idea that he would have better change of finding a girl in detox , whre there are plenty. it finally came out that he was really missing christine.  I said, of course, she knew who you were when you were strong, when you were a team making good money in the S.W. I stode up to Darrell’s bullying and delusions of being some big guy that no one could touch.  i accused him of abusing his brother.  At any rate Curtis knows he can call 9-11 and get help, the cops wont beat him up here if he asks for detoxing.  that’s about all i can do. Feb 9 2015 I know I am being reckless and not at all wise  . . and it’s not like I don’t know better . . by writing so unkindly of my friend. I know what was going ‘down’ the past 2 months and you bet it has been distressing me as I search for the best way to cope with it. Writing about the pornography thing is NOT the best recipie. it’s not THAT uncommen. I just don’t like what Im going through right now. It’s like everyone has lost their mind . . including me.  Curtis is in the hospital again. Taken by ambulance to St. Joe’s.  I think he may go into detox from there. I hope so. I wish we could go back in time.  this is not going to de escalate . . . and I can’t win. It’s too big and the people in my corner are too feeble by comparison.  They want me to keep informing them, keep spinning the soap opera . . . but they won’t get off their asses and actually help or  defend me. Even if things straighten out could I ever go back to the friendship I had with Darrell? Or is that all history now.  There are those who are trying to portray me as the most hated woman in the world or something,and it’s true when Im hurt and angry I can dish out abuse as much as any one,  but I think the image of universally hated is  more manufactured than it really is. Most people only know what they are told . . and don’t have any strong feelings about me one way or the other.  Everyone here in town knows me by name, and they’ve come to accept my failings for the most part along with the good.  Oh I know . . there IS no good . . what ever, Worked on my apartment all day yesterday doing heavy cleaning and re arranging. Added some floor lamps and got a printer. Looks nice. doing a lot of chrochetting. Feb 15 bought roses for Darrell , Mom and Dad yesterday but in truth the day felt more like this:10959578_10205065126941513_3460615031615141310_n Curtis has been in detox for 3 days, now in the medical wing at St. Joe’s.  I suppose I am over reacting again . . . pts triggered. In fight or flight mode.    Might be making some major changes in the next day or so. don’t feel like writing about it any more. Well, I am sad to see John Stewert go . . despite everything.  I preferred his show to Colberts.  I don’t think the nightly show is ever going to fill that spot. Nightly is O.K. . . the new face of liberalism I guess , . . . . John Stewert might have been barbed, some people would say an asshole, especially about the enough is enough stuff gone overkill . . .but he changed with age, and he was always an original. I suppose he wanted to continue doing stuff like Rosewater.  I know I will miss his political commentary a lot.  I laughed too. 2-17 Curtis still in the hospital with pnuemonia. Good thing i brought him to detox when I did. Darrell makes it sound like i committed some gret sin by sheltering curtis for  an evening ( despite all my observations of his charecter i felt really sorry for him)  before i brought him in.  shoot i had to spend 26 bucks of my own on cab fare.  No doubt he would have died if he had to spend another night out in the cold , sick as he was.  I finally got to the core of the problem over there and it is meth use. Darrell and his friends. That’s why the ideation turns so dark.  or are they doing the meth because they are into the dark energy? I hate meth.  it’s like a demonic force.   Worse than booze, although self abuse by alchohol ushers in the demonic and ones worst tendancies if abused enough.   How could i miss it?  ive seen it before.  I think I am enabling right now, I know I am by letting Darrell beg money out of me for ‘a hair of the dog’ that keeps his drinking going . What the fuck is wrong with me if I cant say no?  am i trying to punish him, sub conciously ? for the malicious campagn that was going down?   I haven’t been staying at Darrells, even though he is alone now . . . because of his drinking ideation.  I have been trying to stay home and make some plans, feeling a state of emergency.  But i go over in the mornings and make sure breakfast gets on the table and there is food for later.  I have been drinking too . . . by myself and that needs to quit for good. so I am going to address that through catholic community services today. 2-18 Going to be a good day today and im going to make it so.  spring has returned.  Cherry trees and camelias are beginning to bloom.  Saturday is the market and I have some new spring items.  Time to over turn the garden. 2-19 At peace thismorning.  Quiches in the oven.  Everyone restored to health and sanity now.  Curtis came back and he looks a million times better than he did.  Darrell too is detoxing .  i threw away that meth pipe.  I am at peace because I was anticipating troubles that did not transpire to threaten me.  something like my interveneing on curtises behalf would, in the past have created a conflict that would have forced me to flee.  I was feeling like I had done something amiss by sheltering him, although I knew i hadn’t, that all kinds of stories would be generated and there would be anger but it didn’t happen.  its not that Im so addicted to excited misery . . its just that I have a history of excited misery being thrust apon me and I am reacting to patterns of the past.  I did the right thing, no matter how it fell out onme, my instincts WERE correct , my protective instincts kicked in . . . and that’s a good thing.  Perhaps i saved a life. If so, i doubt it will be acknowleged but it doesn’t mattter.  what matters is that things are calm and normal now, instead of anger and grief we are awaiting amushroom quiche to come out of the oven. 2-20 So nice out. i can’t help but cheer. All the fruit tress starting to blossom.  The air is fragrent and sweet ,it smells like earth and life.    worked in the garden, got some preliminary brush clearing and spading up done. Did up an apple pie, a cream of salmon soup, a salmon loaf and a curry soup with chicken, chickpeas and things.  Now Im tired. All packed up and ready for the market tommarrow. 2-21 My supervisor gave me my two week day shifts back! Im done being punished . . . . I volunteered to go in and do extra dusting Sunday and that won me back some points, indicated that I was thinking about doing my job well.  It’s a good feeling to know that I can still do what it takes to pull it together in my favor.  Off to the market. 2-22 Very Tired. All is well. had a good chat with Alicia.  I am feeling a lot better than I did.  Now eager to go to sleep.Many thoughts on many subjects. This weekend will be a tester of how long peace lasts. Darrell has court date on Friday for assault charges and may have to do a few days in jail. Wednesday/25/2015 chaos and confusion have ended.  or at least retreated.  No drinking or drugging going on any more to distress me.  . Darrell has been busy cleaning and scrubbing up his house.  Plans to do some artwork tommarrow and asks me to come over and hang out. He sat with me for a bit at the market Saturday and i saw how sad he looked to realize that he had no more than a few carbon copies to display of his once admired art identity.  he sat with Curtis outside the market as i hustled my hats . . . it hurt to see him on the outside, after so many years of backing his work, trying to bring him into the inside.  Both of those guys got some tickets and warrents and what that amounts to is a severe warning, a one more police call and you get it warning. Curtis kicked out of park . . not a problem as long as he doesn’t drink in the park. Darrell got a warrrent for assualt on some guest . . . a girl i think. Still, not a problem, unless he gives the police cause to look him up . I could tell they were NOT happy. But then . . . neither was i the past few months, neither was I. Still . . . .my heart went out to Darrell ( and myself) for the tattered remains of a dream that once was .  the team work we once put into his art reputation.  perhaps it woke him up . . . .shamed him, if it is possible to shame him into realizing the harm he had been doing . . . .just as my faliure to secure the recpetionist job because of my secret drinking shamed me into realizing what I had become. My house all tidy too. Made a peach crumbly yesterday, and chili.  My world is not so very interesting, but that’s O.K.. I am fighting the temptation to write about Darrell’s because it is habit, and of more interest, but it is not good for our friendship. or community relations.   It must hurt him  if he reads this blog,but there are many things things that happen that hurt me, a lot.  I havent written about some of that, because it causes me pain too to describe attitudes which are hatefull or rejecting of me. But there are also times when there are hugs, and teasing, back rubs . . . . .but I know his love is no longer there any more. some how, I am picking myself up, facing the life ahead of me when i know that he will not be in it any more. Just as i know i will soon have to face a future without my parents . . alone, without a shred of social standing left. What will i do to find meaning?  Is a new beginning even possible? I have so little of my own to talk about these days.  Not passionet about what is going on politically, socially in america.  I have become one of those people who just talks about their favorite shows on t.v.. Their few aqquaintances . . the sort of person I felt greater than when i first came out here. As if i were part of a bigger, greater story that required so much more.  I suppose the good thing is that i acutally listen to people more, like them better, cut them more slack with time . . .they do not seem so very different from me now, only less alienated, and able to do more fun things.

2-27

Favorite t.v. show . . . the Vikings. Now there’s a series that potentially could go on for a long time . . . invasions of Europe and Ireland, the founding of towns, the settling of Iceland and Greenland, the Lief Erickson saga and the settlements in newfoundland and perhaps the exploration of North America . . . Yup, they could keep this series going for quite a while and that is something at least to look forward to.  Feeling good this morning.

Went shopping for a dress yesterday.  Dad told me to be prepared for my Mom’s passing at any time and requested that I buy a dress for  the funereal, my mother’s request. That took me aback. Still trying to dress me , right down to the bitter end.

there is some wry humor in it.  My mother and I throu out my childhood battled over her trying to dress me.  It was a constant contest of wills. shopping was always a battle.   its as if she HAD to win this one . . . tell me what to wear to her funeral.  And how can I disrespect  this last request?? She was never above using pity for leverage. You got me Mom.  You got in the last round.  Funny to think of her preoccupied with this , appearances for the relatives, at a time when one is usually reconciling oneself to ones life.  thinking of the bigger spiritual questions.  No . . . . it’s making sure Karen is wearing a dress at her wake when the family is gathered . You cannot imagine how baffled Darrell and his brother looked when I told them of this.  Yhe things people do in the name of ‘family’.    I don’t own a dress so I went looking around yesterday and I found nothing. Nothing that looked half way acceptable or appropriate. At Macy’s they had a really lovely Mauve lace dresswith a drop waist  that pleated out at the mid calf lenghth, it looked like a Downton Abbey gown . . . only I looked like a butternut squash trying to do Downton Abbey in it.  The black sweater dress was worse and even the clerk told me that as much as the mauve lace number wasn’t really ‘me’ . . If I was going to look like a butternut squash , I was more becoming as a butternut squash in a downton abbey dress than a sweatr dress,  I might have to settle for a nice skirt and what ever blouse and matching sweater  is in my closet.  Take it or leave it Mom.

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