Uninformed consent. Excellent documentary

https://rumble.com/v3z8qjz-uninformed-consent.html

Sarah Westsall and Max Eagen interview on Gaza

https://rumble.com/v3z44ch-the-grand-plan-for-gaza-w-max-igan.html

December 1

Just called Standing Rock Housing and updated Darrell’s contact information. He’s s first on the list for a two bedroom. Maybe spring?? Also got on the list for Bellingham housing again. Waited sooooooo fucking long for that list to open up. Feeling better.

I was sooooo at the end of my rope, depressed and tired after my 12 hour shifts and feeling trapped and hopeless. Took Darrell out for breakfast and he was still ragging on me.

Took the car in. Need it reliable.

Financing will be tough. But there’s hope all of a sudden when I felt I couldn’t stand another day.

Dream

I was part of a group, a project that involved Derek Lamson. Baking him in some way. There were some kind of awards going on, honoring or something. He made a speech but did not acknowledge my contribution.

I told him I was leaving. I said I was going north. On my own. He said I would never make it alone, that I needed him and the group and the group needed me. I said I didn’t need them.

Notes

Would I be strong enough? Was sparring wits with the Lamsons via Facebook recently. Not for the faint hearted … they are a sharp, verbal cerebral clan … and it was fun. Like days past. But it may have opened an old wound.

We’re in much better spirits. Darrell do happy I got him lined up for his two bedroom house in little eagle, where he was born, near all his descendents. I too, have a place to retire to. Might be a while for me, but if worse comes to worse I can stay with Darrell. Well … we could visit back and forth …but I doubt he would want me there all the time.

Sunday

Uploaded the interview between Sarah Westall, from MN and Max Eagen but I don’t see it here. Censored? Would not surprise me. I don’t agree with everything Max says, although I agree with much of it, but I sure admire his fearlessness and integrity over the past years in speaking out his truth. Both Sarah and Max spoke out against the COVID narrative and exposed the crimes of the vaccines and were heavily censored and banned. Max in particular faced life changing consequences, he had to flee Australia for Acapulco. Oddly, the brunt of the hurricane that hit Alcapulco centered around his home.

The price for speaking out can be so deadly. More and more people are aware of what happened with the COVID vaccines as death rates sky rocket. Plenty of people are suspicious of the fire in

Maui. But most are so conditioned never to criticize Zionism, or Jewish power in general that accusations of false flag and genocide are muted around here. In Minnesota criticism is considered anti Semetic And that has been added as a mentle illness. And new ruling allow people to be instutionaluzed without thier consent. ( something like 80 percent of psychiatrists are Jewish) In Israel, many people opossum what’s happening in Gaza, Netenyaho (sp) has a popularity rating of 4 percent, but they can be arrested for speaking against the gov.Similarly in Ireland people can go up to jail for criticizing the government under the banner of ‘hate speech’

But I agree with Max that Gaza the pivotal moral issue of our time.

Do I think there will be an uprising against bought and paid for politicians? Not in St. Cloud. Seattle and other places maybe.

I’ve been writing about personal and daily things lately but my rage at this evil , that I figured out 15 or 20 years ago when I saw how I was so ruthlessly targeted and how false narrative was planted, which induced aggression nationally, that rage burns … but there a sense of vindication too in seeing that all the things I tried to say, are now seen by the entire world.

Dec 13

Been a bad 4 or5 days. Trying to get Christmas shopping, bills, decorations taken care of. Darrell in a very very hateful and volitile temper. Didn’t even open his birthday present yesterday. Probably because he’s withdrawing from weed. But the rage is focused on me… all the things I do wrong.

Maybe it’s just the Holidays

Dreams

I was watching a Mac man and his associates, including a woman, brow beat and threaten a girl who was crying.

I went to a large event with vendors and lots of free food. There was a huge tent with long tables set I for a banquet. My family, including my mother were there but we were not sitting next to each other as a group. I spotted Tony, a friend from many years ago and I went to find him, thinking he maight want to talk. He was with some friends, the same ones that had been terrorizing the girl. I realized that we were no longer friends, that he had changed.

Dream 3

Darrell and I got jobs at a Casino bar and restaurant. Out uniforms were nice and it was my job to entertain guests at the crap table, to be pleasant and friendly.

A gang of killers, mafia or cartel or something entered and began to shoot everyone up.

I ran into the office and shut a thick mahogany door. I could hear screams and shooting on the other side. I waited for it to stop and the terrorists to go away. There was a pause and then I heard them growing and working on the door. I knew it was only a matter of time before they got through so I made a run for it out a back door. I ran to a woods across the road. It was green and warm, summertime.

Dream 4

Wes Studi was an old man living alone and guarding a large art work decorated with Pueblo pottery designs. He was afraid someone would steal it so he wouldn’t leave it.

There was someone who wanted it and planned to get it dishonestly. I said to him why don’t you just try asking him( Wes) if you can use it.

Notes

Was just listening to Zelenski’s little speech to Congress telling them to quit thier crying and give all thier money to Ukraine. Pimp style, as Alex Jones pointed out.

My family at the gathering was not sitting side by side, there were empty spaces between members … meaning distances.

I discover that someone I’d considered an old friend, was not a friend but instead in the company of mean people I didn’t like, the pimp circle that had been working the girl.

Dream shows a dissalusionment with people, people close to myself … perhaps a realization of the true nature of these relationships.

Dream 2 notes

As something to do with getting involved in some kind of mafia or crime syndicate business. And then caught in some kind of massacre or retaliation. Feeling it wasn’t personal and that I had escaped detection. That I was safe. When they began gnawing at the door I knew it was personal and panicked. My escape brought me to summertime and greenery.

The massacre was probably the massacres happening in Israel and Palestine and the fears that evokes.

Dream 3

Wes Studi guarding the valuable art work with Pueblo designs.

I have a Pueblo pot and fear it being damaged. Which an alchohol spree or fight could do. It probably represents Native culture and expression.

Friday

Sad this morning. Dad has COVID and is in Quarantine. I’m broke. Darrell talking about how much he hates me, how he is filled with hate, all this again. A moment later e says he is joking and doesn’t mean it.

I’m sick of this every damn day too. Day before yesterday he was quivering and saying he wanted to beat the shit out of somebody. Again moments later a box of chocolates and apology. It’s become daily. As are non stop rants about racist white people.

How are gov is run by criminals who can get away with anything ( few would argue) be how the poor Indians hardly do something and they go to jail.

Meanwhile my strength and energy ebb. As does my hope. Quit crying right??

Later…went to Salvation Army and brought back tons of fresh fruit. Well, expired, but pretty fresh. A little carton of berries costs 8 dollars. Wow!! No wonder that little girl was crying… Zelenski the pimp wanted more money while groceries in the US became unaffordable. But, in a weird twist, all that fruit that no one can afford is ending up at the food banks where we shrewd, we , scavenging few surfeit .among the pineapples and berries.

Saturday.

Another bad morning. Even worse. Darrell threatening to drink. When he drinks I have to hide out, he drinks to release his demons, he starts saying he will kill me … and he can in a blackout. Then he was threatening to leave, to hitch hike out. But he settled down . I don’t try to stop him, nor do I say go ahead and don’t let the door knob hit you in the ass, I just tell him it’s his choice. If he attacks me that’s it. If he leaves then he leaves. If he drinks then I’m not babysitting.

I don’t have money for a motel because my check didn’t come in. I can’t even buy him a bus ticket.

The way I handle it de escalated the situation. But my stress sky rockets.

I thinks it’s PTSD that surfaced every Christmas . Maybe because of what happened that tragic Christmas in Bellingham. Or maybe because of something earlier in his past. Some disappointment. Maybe some violation. Maybe comparison between his reality and all the Waschita hype and greed and Santa promises. Santa being a combination of god, daddy war bucks, benign capitalism and so on.

Darrell on and on about my relapse since he quit smoking. Every day it’s a lecture about my drinking. As if I were boozing daily. And he knows I’m working on it, going to meetings . ..addressing it, cutting way way down. He’s Playing the beer Gestapo.

Then he says if I love him I will totally quit. Because of what my relapses do to him.

The he said he loved me and gave me back the money I paid for his new boots. A Christmas gift. Told me to go out, get something to eat, which is permission to drink. He calls this a mind fluff.

No wonder my head is ping ponging. I went swimming, did some senior housing rental applications, took back overdue library books and had a delightful beet burger and felt better.

I may get him an Amtrack year pass.

Sunday

Vibes better this morning. Made a good breakfast. As if nothing had happened. Must keep in mind that Darrell downs a lot of cough medicine, muscle relaxers, pain meds, gets out very little, interacts with family via phone and fb but does not go out to find friends or work on art the way he used to … I try to take him out as much as I can for walks shopping. But he never wants to go anywhere, do anything.

I’d be crazier than him if I was confined to watching old tv shows. But that’s what he likes, old westerns and memories.

I don’t desert people when they’re shrinking.

We’re all shrinking.

Darrell and I talked to Dad, they wished each other a Merry Christmas. darrell told my Dad he had a nice daughter. I could here Dads dubiousness as he acquiesced. I’ve always been the bad one . But that’s ok.

Was about to sell my musical instruments, my paycheck hasn’t come in. But 100 dollars came in the mail .

Dec 22

Sold a few guitars. Christmas shopping finally done except for some small things like sage and tobacco.

Checked out a craft sale downtown , sort of ultra woke, LGBT, Wicca and warlock thing with lots of snake earrings, fat goddess art and earrings, expensive herb magic mixes and phallic desktop oblesks out of various crystals and stones. They had Knick Knick but I was feeling kinda stingy … budget conscious …as my remaining funds scooped out.

My neighbor, the retired anthropology prof whose tree I nearly took out, gave us some red cloth for Darrell to wrap his eagle feather in. She also showed me her pipe and Knick Knick that she said she used to open city council meetings here in St Cloud.

It’s an interesting image. St Cloud, voted the most racist city about 5 years ago, beginning city council meetings with the peace pipe reverence. Except, according to Darrell, she’s not as knowledgeable about Lakota ways as she seems. It doesn’t bother him too much. He talks Lakota to her and playfully threatens to eat her dog.

I got Darrell socks .

My cousin by marriage, Micheal Jekot died, my Aunt Vonny is expected to pass any day and dad was in danger once again due to COVID.

Darrel continues to bark from morning to night.

There’s much on my mind but I’m off to Dads to deliver gifts and my usual cheer,

Dec23

My usual cheer just about got me railroaded out of town this morning. I’m in the dog house again … if that is, I ever left it.

Went over to Dads and he was sitting in a Christmas shirt and blinking Santa hat, looking all alone as if were just waiting … I noticed that his legs and feet were hugely swollen. This alarmed me, as it’s a symptom of cardiac failure. I was scared, of losing Dad, all this death showing its face, in the space of a few days.I called Lynn , who was abrupt and told me if I was concerned I should call 911, which I did. She has power of attorney so I wanted her input first.

The ambulance took him to hospital, and terribly shook up by this I poured a drink. so I didn’t chance driving to the hospital.

It brought out my mean streak. When I spoke to the front desk I must have been a little agitated and when she called me on it I exploded. Told her I didn’t give a shit about her feelings, my dad is dying and no one catches it for all the money he pays them.

So Lynn and Dad are furious with me and demand I apologize.

Everyone seems to feel I owe them an apology these days, even for minor things like dropping a pen in the hamper or misplacing a measuring cup. Maybe the ritual of apology is the thing now …

It was however “ extremely rude” and I’m pissed at my self for taking out my frustration on the desk clerk. I’m never. That aggressive towards people I don’t know, although I can be awfull towards those close to me when I’m pussed off.

People think I’m some chump rag doll but when I crack I can be meaner than a junk yard dog. I sound just like my mom when she was in a rage. Just like her.

So I’m on my way to go apologize.

I swore I wouldn’t bow to the whole apology demand, but this does deserve apology.

I will say, just as way of understanding my behavior, that people had been attacking me. A dude started shouting at me prior to that incident with the desk clerk. Don’t know who he was. Something about needing help, out of the clear blue sky. He probably is the one who needs help if he goes off on a stranger. And then there’s darrell the grinch …. Like they say, abuse triggers abuse. Like a pebble thrown in a lake, it ripples.

Dec 28

I wonder if John Stewert ever suspected the think mantle of Schadenfreud that underlies the thin passive aggressive crust of Midwest Culture, especially here, when he played to that house. Like Comic at the Palladium. Scadenfreud getting me down,really down today. I’m not going to write about specific instances or people. Ftom now on I will simply note in my journal ‘ schadenfreud getting me down.

Family dynamics getting me down too. Again, that history of Schadenfreud

December 29

Very tired. Have to do 3 days , 9 hours total , a week treatment to finish my probation. Actually looking forward to it. So glad Xmass is over. It feels like … having a period,

The build up of bloating, tension, emotional irrationality, crankiness, then after the onset of the event,immediate relaxation of stress, Christmass spirit ebbs away day by day leaving one feeling saner. I always find post Christmas’s more hopeful than pre Christmas. The days are just a wee bit longer.

Here in MN there’s been rain instead of snow and cold temps. No complaint.

Food prices soaring.

December 30

Feeling much better today. We just finished up a good breakfast of grits, taters, sausage gravy and cheesy eggs. Talking and communicating on a real level again, feeling enjoyment creep back into our home.

Heading up North today. To visit, shop and gamble a little. My present to Darrell. I plan to get some cool earrings for my Christmas present.

3023. A drcsidive year. The beginning of the end of the empire.

I

You know the one thing that really makes me wonder? The Bible code. People say ok you can apply it to Moby Dick or the Phone book …but it just doesn’t work. Only the Torah. What the