Down sick. Missed my Matou check so have to do it over before I go back to work.
Darrell took off for S.D yesterday.
Dec 11
I dreamt that I was in the car with Darrell. He was driving. I saw that the windshield was shattered. When I looked around me, I saw that all the Windows were broken. I felt very angry at Darrell.
Notes.
Shattered car windows could represent shattered self, shattered relationship. Shattered ambitions or. Shattered control.
I have been feeling a sense of personal fragmentation . I spent 500 dollars on winter tires, which may have been unnesesary, to make Darrell S travels safer. Have been reluctant to lend him my car to the rex . . .liability concerns, DUI concerns, sabotage worries, my car after all is my baby, an extension of self.
In this dream we are in the car together but he is driving. I become aware of significant , massive in fact damage and hold him responsible. My feeling are: this is too much. You have to leave. The cracked glass represents broken irreparable relationship as much as broken shattered self.
Dec 11
Dream.
I found a stash of good softwood and was very excited to tell Darrell about it.
Notes.
Lumber represents building. something new or positive. Creative or constructive process. I have been very forward looking and busy with projects the past 4 or 5 days after a miserable dip into depression. The stash of lumber may represent finding inner resources.
Hung Christmas lights. Cleaned. Did laundry. Brought Dad a meat and cheese and cracker plate, some Christmass cookies, a pointsetta, a Christmas table runner, A bottle of brandy and egg nog. We hung out, ate some lunch at his house then spent the afternoon doing some shopping and running errands. Very nice afternoon. I also found some good softwood.
Darrells birthday tommarrow. I bought tobacco, turkey feathers, sage, incense and . . . wood.
bought myself a new flannel nighty. I am so looking forward to getting in my long neglected swimming tommarrow.
I sense that there has been sonme negative dicussion about me recently. I won’t go into all the details but i suspect it is being generated within Darrells family . . .but i could be wrong.
This afternoon when i walked into a gift shop the lady minding the shop remarked;
” You decided to come back for more huh.”
” More of what?” I replied.
” More shopping.” she hedged.
“I’ve never been here before. : I said and left it at that.
I know what she ment . . . i went throught years of that kind of thing but i chose to play ignorant. Why spoil a perfectly good afternoon by letting some assholes get to you. People like that are not important to me. I don’t care what they think.
and I am supposed to be ‘the asshole????’
dEC 14
Going to do a little yoga then head to the twin cities. Looking forward to it this time.
Dream
I was wearing the zip on, fur rimmed hood to my heavy winter coat. I had it drawn pretty tight to keep out the wind. Some girls were making fun of me for dressing so square.
Notes. The hood may represent insulating my head. protecting my head. But the hood is blinkering as well as protective. It narrows the field of vision. I become aware of ridicule. This may harken back to growing up years. i recollect that when I was in Jr. High school tough girls did not ‘bundle up’ to walk home. if you were wearing a mini skirt you didn’t put on pants to walk home if you were cool. So the dream is suggesting that by wearing my hood I am percieved as not being tough. If indeed all the charecters in ones dream are aspects of self then I may be ascertaining this in myself. That the extreme hood is not that nessesary and I am limiting myself by being too insular or protective.
Dec 17
Crap. Iwrote a great deal about the trip to Minneapolis but cannot find it here or in draft. To briefly re cap. We went to Minneapolis . had a great day.
Have been busy getting presents in mail. Made a big batch of cinnamon rolls and gave some to Lavonne. Went out and watched the sledders yesterday afternoon.
Jan 1st
Man am I tired now that the holidays are over. Have two days off .have been working 11 with only. One day off.
Will catch uup with journaling.
Briefly, Dad has a bad cold. I’m concerned. He just finished Killing Patton, one of my gifts. He really likes the audio books now that he is almost bblind. I fear that soon I will lose him too.
Realize that in many respects I would bbe losing my best friend over the years. Dad has aalways been there to help me, bail me out of troubles. Well . . to a point. Moreover, despite all my criticisms he is on the whole a decent gentle man. I have enjoyed being closer to him the past 6 mmonthe . . .I will have no championplugging ffor my bbest interests when he passes. I guess I loved bboth my parents a great deal even though it doesn’t seem so.
On New Years Eve . . after a period of abstinence datell and I got tipsy. Not too much.
At some point I said?: you know I’ve been fathfull aall these years. And he said: I know that. That’s why I stayed wwith you.
He knew that all these years and still painted such an opposite picture? Created such a shit storm. And yet . .he knew it. I wish I had recorded that conversation. HHoHow ccacan life be so bizarre.
How will this year go I wonder. Let dad recover from his ccold. Losing two parents in such a short ttime wwould be the end of me. IId be lost.
My Blog 