December 2016

6 12 2016

Down time at work. Had a fun time with my client this evening playing bop the caretaker with the skien of yarn game. Almost as fun as making snort and oink noises when she tilts my head back . . . which sends her in peals of laughter.
Feeling pretty good tonight, physically and emotionally. We decided to head off to the Midwest towards Standing Rock, and for me St. Cloud next week. Maybe as early as Tuesday or as late as Friday.

Tuesday.  Dec 6

Feeling Very depressed about a number of dissapointments right now. The good news is that i have 2 weeks vacation starting on the 9th. Drive or train?? Blizzarding in the Dakotas now, sub zero temps, snoqualimie pass is due for snow on Friday and Darrell used up his money.  I could still ferry him over to his rez enroute to St. Cloud. But not much cash to spare in case of emergencies.  Ive got a chest cold too.

Water protectors won a temporary victory.

Friday Dec 9th

Snow and blowing winds and cold as ll hell out. Today I must get ready for the trip. Much to do.  Im taking the train and Darrell will come out later.  He won’t leave without his car and the paases are too too treacherous right now.  I bought his some thermal under wear, warm socks and a vest.  may get him a padded sweat shirt to wear under his coat too before I go. Got myself a few items at value village and all set now.

I may have some lady problems. Hope its just an unexpected surge of hormores andnothing serious.  Im wondering if the maternal nature of my work and the physical nuturing i give to Challen might actually trigger some biological changes.  if not . . well, we are all mortal .  . and the path into old age does not get smoother.  We could be stricken with unexpected illness, heart faliure, falls, cancers,strokes . . you name it.  This is on my mind these days. oddly, I feel suddenly gratefull for what I have out here in WA, we aren’t doing so badly these days .Darrell and i had a nice evening and had a pleasent dinner. . but all things come to an end. I  have such a feelin of our time now being very short.This may be the last time I and the people i love best are all here on this earth.  I have a feeling that the future of us all will not be what we expecvted, that something catastrophic for mankind is around the corner.

December 13   3 A.M.

Not feeling well.  Can’t put my finger on it but something seems wrong.

Not many people on the train.  shared breakfast with an interesting fellow and we went through 3 or 4 cups of coffee shooting the breeze.  My reception here at home has been polite, but not not enthusiastic . . . they seem rather disintereste and I am wondering now about all these plans to move here to look after them in the next years.  I know my mother would only resent it very quickly . . .I get the feeling even now that i better make this a short visit or Ill get ‘the speech’ as I call it.  I just got here . . . . oh well, right now i don’t really care.  I don’t really know what’s going down. I sense a resurgence of blame once again. No matter WHAT I do.  perhaps the media have been at it again.   it’s been settled for good.  probably, collective opinion being solidified in Standing rock with all those people.  maybe not.  It feels hopeless.

I feel depressed and want to be back in my apartment once again.  perhaps that is where i belong . . .if people decide they have to kill me because Im there and they don’t want me there then they will.  Im not going to make anymore moves for anybodies sake.

If it is media . . .at it again . . . .there’s too many people now who know how much they routinely lie. The damage they do. Even Denzel Washington layed it out recently.  he said; they dont’ care what they say, they don’;t care if it’s true, they don’t care who they destroy or who they hurt . . . .my man. You know it. hannity was refering to them as the abusive media last night.  You know it.  But i don’t care about that anymore either . . it’s come back on them.  they are panicking now with Trump almost in office.  Trying to pull a coup from what i can see.  These are interesting times . . .so much happening all at once, huge changes,

Well the girls at the YMCA here were being friendly.  Have not encountered any bad energy here in St. Cloud. Other than Mom not really wanting me here . . . .I don’t know what they are going to do.  it’s obvious she is in need of care. She will be in full dementia soon . . .she cant be left alone or do anything in the kitchen. if it isn’t me then it has to be somebody/  here i am offering to rip up my life out West and make changes to be near enough to assist them and she still has that underlying resentment against me.  that old “get lost’ undergrowl.  I guess i don;’t feel sorry for her  . . or dad, anymore . . .  .When i asked if they would like me to move closer by so i could help out with meals and ‘babysitting’ so to speak they both seemed so indifferent.  You do what you want to do.

Thursday

Well it has turned out to be a good visit after all.  We had much fun yesterday. Patty came over.   Mom has gotten so thin.

Tuesday December 20th

Back home in Bellingham watching my Turkish soap opera.  I have started a fast of sorts . . just liquids, broth, juice for 5 days . . maybe more and then a diet with no gluten, no dairy, no fried spuds  . . . just a bowl of museulli or cereal in themorening with rice or soy milk, and a banana, soup for lunch and maybe and apple or oranbe and something like brocoli and chicken for dinner.  I want to see if all this inflamation and bloating will go away. .. i can’t go on like this.  Darrell too has been in a lot of physical pain. Emotional too.  he wanted so badly to be home for Christmas.  But the storms made car travel tooo risky, especially with no heater.   i bought him a nice warm parka for Christmas, that should help. Filled up his tank, bought him some weed and tobacco ,made steak dinner and then took him out for boomer burgers but he is still going totally pscho on me . . .in the car where my only option would be put up or get out and walk miles to a bus stop.  h efrightened me a lot yesterday.  I hate to pack up and leave.  its funny how quickly my environment and netowrk of contacts here , except for work, bring me down so quickly in to that cycle of violence, as soon as i try  to leave it which escalates several times a year.  it was escalating quietly when i left.  I better take this serious . . it’s so easy to forget once it’s past, it’s a pretty classic pattern . . . what makes this case unusual is how many people get swept up in it. its like automatic around here.    Im tired of all the anger.

Well im not going to give any one a peg to hang me on, make it easy to abuse because of self destructive drinking, or anything.  I take care of myself financially, emotionally, physically I can stay on top of it and cope with it all . . . but doing this will bring on retaliationin one form or another.  So i must be prepared and guarded emotionally.

Christmas Eve

Made cookies all day yesterday, and cinnamon rolls, while Donna and Darrel hung out.  Donna brought her new puppy.  part German shepard and part Eskimo dog.  I fell in love with that puppy . . she is beautiful.  Had my doctor’s appointment at P.P.  They found a polop and schedualed me for further tests . . I have to get some ultra sound.  Donna scored a 3 bedroom house in Oregon, south of Eugene!! Dang!!  Now Darrell has someplace to visit for a while. I expect Donna will be heading down there pretty quick. Perhaps in the next few days.   I told Darrell that he ought to go with Donna, be with her  out in the open.  Her boyfriend took off for Alaska, she has a house now instead of living on the streets . . he could throw in for rent and claim one of the rooms . . they get along so splendidly . . . it seems obvious to me.  You go with what makes you happy.  I told him to find some one who makes him happy . It makes me sad that he never feels it is me and that he has to let me know it all the time, but there it is.  I think we were searching more for meaning, identity , the big picture . . more than happiness, or we wouldn’t have put up with all the stuff we did over the years.  But perhaps now it is time to go with what brings happiness and joy.

I too would like to see Oregon again.

I dreamt i was taking a bunch of classes.  That i was trying to choose between art classes and a pallette of others.  it was exciting.  The other day i said something about how i wish i could re do highschool and take advantage of all those free classes I was too lazy to take then, not realizing the worth of them . . like economics, shop, biology, business.   perhaps its time to direct that  path towards some fun, some happiness . . learn some new skills, meet some new people. go hiking.

i am always learning . . .I watch u tube documentaries a lot and explore all kinds of ideas . . i just don’t write about it or have anyone to really talk to about things.

Dec 26

it feels good to take it easy today.  Kick back and watch some breaking bad and drinking a tea of nettles, mullien  and skullcap for a developing cold. Lentils soup in the Crock.  Earlier today I got in a swim and then i felt awfull , strange, as if i were on a different plane, like a flash back to a different mind set, different awareness and memories, more aware of sensory detail and memory but not comfortable, and full of cravings.  They were overwhelming but when i wandered into the grocery store to get some suff  i passed the liqour section and the thought of it made me sick to my stomach.  Eventually the cravings passed and now i feel strangly better than i have in a while. less like crying. I am going through some physiological changes now . . . the next months are goin to be tough sometimes.  I will have more of these episodes but that is part of the process.

I really tried to DO Christmas for my friends Donna and Darrell. They brought the pup over and we actually had a fun evening, trying our hand at beat poetry which made us laugh.  Darrell pretended to be crabby about his new parka but i could tell he was happy.    It looks so sharp on him and boy did he need it.  I made the mistake of putting on a utube documentary last night about what was happening on the Lakota reservations . . . and i think it hit a place of deep pain with him, he seemed to be asleep and wouldn’t rouse . . and when he did he was a bastard.  I should have been more thoughtful.  I guess tonight will be zootopia or something if he comes over.  Feels good to rest,to be done with family, holidays, decisions about moving and relationship status and center again.