September 2014

7 09 2014

Saturday

Spent most of the day at Darrell’s place, cooking up and working on a new hat. Greek egg lemon soup. Fresh wheat bread. Stir fry.

In addition to the left foot that was broken . Darrell seems to have broken a toe on his right foot and a finger on his right hand. All when drinking, and in the last case, fighting. That leaves him with one free limb. i guess he knocked some guy out, A Sioux guy he was drinking with.  I saw it coming when they first strted in drinking and went home, bought myself some new things for the living room, just to change it, make it something new.

I built around the colors I already had, the red gold and black quilt hanging on the wall, mexican blanket in red black and white and the red chair.  it wasn’t the color combo i would have wanted but at least it was different.

I guess we are uncle Darrell and aunty Karen among Darrell’s crowd. Darrell’s guest was calling me aunty and usually, that means they like you.  He also said to Darrell that Karen was gravey. That I was golden.

Darrell tells me that gravey is no compliment but i guess its better than great many other things Ive been called.

The negative commentary I was reading about Joan Rivers was short lived.  Since her passing there has been a lot of honoring and tribute.  I am watching I love Lucy this morning and thinking how very different this pioneering woman commedianne was . . true she played the ding bat rather than using her sharp  wit as Joan did, but she was awfully funny . . . as was Carol Burnett, my favorite of all times.  Carol Burnett was witty and funny and silly and made you feel like you were all part of a great . good. She caricatured personality types . . but not specific people.  Bring back the Carol Burnetts, and Lucys, and Gilda Radners, the Smothers brothers, Dick and Rowen Martin, the Marx brothers . . please. I watched Tosh for the first time last night and i was depressed. Watched “Pop Eye” by Rober Altman too and that was sooo very clever and well done. Robin Williams at his best ( I think) having a great glorious good time with Shelly Duvall.

Well Aunty Karen isn’t very happy with her life these days and doesn’t know what to do about it.  And that is why my journaling has so much criticism and so little authentic joy.  I seem to be fucking up a lot and don’t know why I am self sabotaging so much,  I DO have some good things going in my life.  I love having my private space to myself but regret that i cant spend as much time as Id like to there.

Monday

Well . . .I guess I will be spending  time at home . Darrell kicked me out  and told me not to come back. I spent a lot of money fixing his computer which was crashing, and time . . when he wanted me to do other things.  Before I left he attacked the computer. No more gravy. The weird thing was the technition who had access to my computer from his end could here every word.  I kept asking him if he could hurry it up , if I could leave and he kept saying yes, yes but you must leave the computer on, this will take about another hour . . all the time, Darrell screaming for me to go home and swearing he will destroy the computer as soon as I am gone. I guess deciding to fix that computer was a disastrous decision.  Then I found that all the minutes I had just added to my phone a couple of days past were gone. id only made a couple of short calls , my asking Darrell if he or his friends had used my minutes is what set him off . . .it seems like a pretty logical assumption being that I had left my phone at his house but now I am the bitch again for ‘accusing’ him.

another basketball team owner bites the dust over racially insensitive remarks.  Am I alone in thinking that this circus of taking people down and shaming them for racial or bigoted remarks in private correspondence or conversation while allowing some of the most shocking statements by commedians   has become ludicrous. God, I spent so much time battling that . . . .waste of time I guess. No wonder there are people leaving the U.S.A in droves   to join up with ISIS. That’s way way too extreme for me however . . .and I am supposed to be the worst woman EVER, the nastiest, vilest, dumbest, most useless, bigoted one EVER.  A joke.

Well, if Darrell and I  really truelly ARE broken up then I can set down the truth about our history, the roots of things without fearing retaliation.  I can see in people’s faces that they want me to fail, they want me to drink and become unable to function and feel bad about life and myself  be a joke for them to pounce on and label.  They really don’t like it when I step out of or refuse the play out the definitions they have cast me in. They wait for a crack in the wall so they can start it up again.  I can’t see myself finding anything sustainable around here if my relationship is over.  Except within myself.

I have that.

I need to love some one, sustain life and create things that have beauty.  That is what sustains me, as long as I have a little time to myself in my own world.  And a moderate amount of work too.   What ever goes on in the rest of th4 crcus really isn’t that important.  Only to the extent that one makes it important, gives it one’s attention.  Maybe Darrell will cool off after a few days.  He might have been doing meth with his buddy and if that’s still going on . . then it’s not me, and I need to distance myself from the enevitable outcome of this.  Everone familier with the drug says the same thing . . . if he is doing meth he will die soon. Especially with out anyone to care for him.    he is too old and fragile for that shit and ought to have more wisdom. perhaps it is a blindness to evil force, or an unwillingness to let go of these secret practices.  perhaps he enjoys rage, enjoys inflicting pain at times.

Has it been a sort of blindness to evil that keeps me accepting all this?  Despite the knowledge of what it is doing to me?  I don’t know . . but all these people that have been howling around about Karma . . which is a popularly sanitized way of saying pay back, punishment, revenge these days . . . .cannot see it when it applies to them, and what is happening to Darrell.

Wednesday

Peacefull energy restored.  Made up a big turkey at Darrells place and we feasted. There is something about a turkey dinner that drives out the demons, wether they be depression, negativity, anger and so on. That and the sleep that follows . . and talking out what is bothering one too.   It is almost a pysical sensation . .as the good turkey dinner feeling permeates one . . you can feel the darkness leave like an excorsism.  Who says that turkey dinner is only for Holidays, so called holidays. its good therapy. Maybe that’s why it became so popular as the traditional thanksgiving main dish (rather than eel and venison)  . . what better way to get along with our relations gathered under one room during these often dreaded get togethers. Everyone goes to sleep, mnellows out.

So today I have the task of portioning out all that remaining turkey into freezer bags and freezing it for future, quick, diabetic friendly meals.

Read Kennedy’s article in the Glob about Native American deserving respect, how they have been ignored by a public not at all interested in learning anything about them.  Requesting a deeper look at issues other than the mascot one. Which is true.  I just finished reading 1491 and that is an excellent place to start.  There was criticism to this article as typically liberal elite . . .because it called for more sovergeinty for tribes .  This is something that Obama, more than his predesessors has done, he has restored more lans back into Indian hands and the Cobell payments as well, with mixed results.  I got in trouble with the liberal archetects of this for my  first hand reports of what happened when people in my circle got all that money . . . not a very pretty picture . . . that’s why they went after me. Went searching for anything I had ever done and tried to humiliate me on t.v.

Yeah.  I agree.  Native Americans deserve respect.  I write about things as they really are in my world but i showed my respect my preserving Darrell’s art work , building his FB and business pages, helping him become a known artist out here.  That was my way of showing respect and giving back to the community.

I wrote too about what the local, state and federal gov did to make Darrell’s life more secure in his waning years.  Basicall ousting me and taking over as overlords of his current life . . with good results mostly . . at least in terms of removing a problem from public view and resolving it with guarenteed income.   Critics of liberal programs cite the wastage of money on drugs that often accompanies welfare programs, and the decrease in ambition, initiative and drive . . and all that has come into being too.  We watch t.v. . . .and the things that divide us have more to do boredom of each others program choices than any class or ethnic differences.  And no more art has come out of this chapter.

Wether increased sovergty is really a good thing, or wether it decreases the amount of protection people on reservations have agaist things like domestic abuse and child abuse is not for me to say.

Sunday

Had a good day at the market.  Darrell has now injured his back and hips  and was in a lot of pain.

he tries to avoid shuffling from one spot to another and has crashed out permanently on the couch which I moved in front of his living room t.v..  Boy, I know how that incapacitating hip pain is. His broken toe concerns me . . it is still very swollen, like a brat nesting among breakfast sausages, and discolored but we are watching it.  The other foot has basically healed up and shows no further swelling.  I massage his legs constantly but he wont jump in the bath tub , just to be contrary I guess.  He took a pain pill he had been saving, but not before I spent some of my earnings on some mercy medical marijuana.  Brought over chicken fettucine last night, which is not diabetic friendly and made up potatoe pancakes and a broccoli omlette for breakfast with kabooboo bread. then, trying to think of anti inflammatory foods, I did up some loaves of home made gluten free wheat bread , some cucumbers and onions in yogurt, some veggy burgers with lots of turmeric, some home made cranberry juice, some blueberry smoothy, and a meat loaf ( not healthy but convenient) for easy meals later.  vacuumed and stuff. He is not in distress this afternoon, watching the game . . .smoking up and munching down.

he had to go to court a few days ago for old tickets.  They were going to put him in jail for 90 days but , given his medical conditions, his diabetes and need for meds, his broken bones and inability to even get on a lower bunk without effort they gave him instead a sentence of community service.  He thinks he will have to work with the boy scouts.

why is that so funny?

Let me show you how to roll up and stash a sleeping bag . . to hell with making a fire, here’s what you do with sterno . . seriously, I bet he would be wildly popular among the boy scouts . . I mean all that boy’s life stuff about Indians . . and here’s a real full blooded Sioux guy come to teach them a few things . . I bet it would actually be a good thing for him . . . he has much to teach. My mind turns cartwheels imagaining all the lessons in how to avoid cops, all the life lessons that young Dudley dorights want to learn.

Tomarrow I will put him in the wheel chair and wheel him down to the senior center.

Saturday

Not going to do the market today, slept in too late and have a cold on the way.  We are both committed to non drinking now, and no more meth for Darrell so he says.  Started off yesterday with yoga and a swim and now I am feeling good. Centered. not in distress.

Darrell’s Cobell payment came in just i was  in anxieties over careless finance priorities while I was sipping wine in a depression.   I think my decision, via detox for a few days to quit for good now has created a positive repurcussion almost imediately. That Cobell  money was spent wisely, towards Debts, helping his kids, groceries and to my surprise . . . me.  he saved my butt.  This is the good Darrell . . . who shares what little he has among the needy.  native values at their best.  Darrell and I  CAN be very good people . . I just need to remind myself that I need to treat myself right and that in turn is pivotal in wether i can be a support to Darrell’s best efforts.

So what ever critical things i have written about past cobell windfalls is erased.  this time, good things were restored and we were not greedy.

Monday A.M

I just scrolled down my home page and found many reports of the climate change march.  How is it that an event that brought in so many people was not covered on the news Sunday.  At least the channels i watched.  Our media simply does not cover Idle no more, pipeline issues and other things important to Native people. Yet , a significant number of people showed up.  I saw on the talking heads Sunday how unpopular some congress woman in Wisconsin is, how ‘people don’t like her’ and how they want her to ‘go’. Some one commented that she was a ‘sheep’ and we know what happens to sheep . . .they get slaughtered. Pretty nasty mind set . . . still trying to create a legitimate ruling body called the court of public opinion or ‘who WE like”.  How discordant this is from what is really happening of significance . . NOT controlled or manipulated by media.  Perhaps they do not consider the march significant.  or do not want people to consider it very significant.

Tuesday

Went out to Demming yesterday and did the casino among other things.  A lovely day in that little hamlet nestled among the mountain foothills, moody with low clouds. We bought 3 blankets with Native design for gifts and deco. Visited the small library there and went with a young couple out near the river .  They had a fishing encampment where they caught and sold Silver Salmon at 10 bucks a Salmon. We gathered up chestnuts and pear-apples.  Later, we scored a huge t.v. from the motel next door to Darrell’s place and hauled it back.  it was so good to get out and enjoy life.  We used to do things like that.

WE are striking Syria as I write about out delightfull and positive day.  A ‘ Obama’s degrade and destroy’ mission as they put it.

I find their choice of words interesting: First of all it is ISIL not ISIS.  The IL stands for  Iraq and Levant.  Al Jazeera uses the term ISIL but mainstream news uses ISIS. ISIS is the name of an ancient goddess . . . it is feminine and I think the choice of the term ISIS is a psychological tool , deliberately chosen because of the subconcious association. I mean what is this?  Octavian v.s Cleopatra?  Patriarchy and warrior culture v.s. Matriarchy?  I don’t think so.   Also the term ‘degrade and destroy mission’ . . degrade? degrade? Does anyone  realize the connotations??  This has become NORMAL now . . has this become what most defines American mainstream culture? When Degrade and destroy rings the subconcious bells but no concious murmer about their choice of words   . . is the norm??

 

Thursday

Asthma kicking my butt. otherwise feeling better every day.  Was complimented on my work performance last night.  This job suits me at this particular time . . . I feel like it’s my turf, my personal project to shine and spiff up like an antique car and I feel hurt when anyone attempts to move me to another building.  it’s become  my personal zone. They tried to give me more hours a few months back and it threw me into confusion . . didn’t want to jepordize my S.S.A  or upset the perfect balance of things in my life. But I feel more stabilized now, my rent statement has been adjusted for next year based on this year’s income and so I think I can take on more hours  if they need me over the winter and then drop down to about 15 hours in the spring for a few months before I have to turn  in my housing re assessment papers.

I think Darrell and I are torn these days.  We increasingly like our private time away  but are lonely too for the familiarity of our bond, good or bad as it may have been. Sometimes the thought of living my life with out him is like a deafening roar of impossibility and grief . . . and he too, seems lost without that familier anchor.  But  it seems to be working out . . . the way it is now, more friends than a couple . . and yes, sometimes I look back on all the spent passions . . . no one really knows how much we loved each other despite the quarrels and all the dysfunctional theater that becam spectacle.  I think back to Eugene . . how , when they told me he was in town I went looking for him and found him wandering,broken, confused,  lost, with a broken guitar strapped on his back  . . . so sad and we sat down, he put his head in my lap and cried. ” I found you.  I found you”   and then I sobered him up and stayed by his side, camping out  in the rose garden, under big cypress tress, in the woods of skinners butte . . . . a desperate clinging to each other as we were tossed by winds of fate.  it tore our souls and later when we healed, we would not be those people ever again . . there would be trauma, a distrust,scarring,  a memory of pain that would haunt the rest of our relationship. And the things that would toss us would not be the whirlwind of our own earlier  intensity . . but the decade long war of the mainstream archetects of culture, small town concerns, conventional thought thrown into upset by our refusal to kow tow to its dictates.  To let go . . is to let go of a huge investment of TRYING in the face of impossible odds. We move on. We gradually accept that things change and that the routines we settle into are very different than they once were, that we prefer different routines.  But he is still my anchor of sanity, of perspective that comes from so much life experience   that keeps me human,  . . . and I suppose I am an anchor for him too. The roles we take on are more and more traditional . . almost like Archie Bunker and Edith at times, and perhaps limiting, but are we less happy than legions of people who feel themselves liberated, are outwardly successful and busy?  I doubt it.  and despite all the problems I write of I think we are often happier, if we could just know it.

 

I ought to be writing about the war in Syria. In the scope of things it’s more important . . .but I don’t fully understand what’s going on in Syria and so, what does my opinion on it matter?

 

Sunday 27th 2014

A really wonderfull day. Good energy. Copied out recipies from the Moosewood cookbooks on loan, did yoga and 45 minutes on the go meter excersise bike.  Wild rice, Salmon patties, broccoli and green beans for dinner.  Had a good day at the market too yesterday . Relaxing now in Darrell’s movie theater.  He is walking fine now and out of pain. Took a video.