December 2015

15 12 2015

December 15

Am back in Bellingham.  left a journal in Tacoma I’d titled ‘the toilet tank diaries’ since it was most often written at 2 30 in the morning on the toilet tank when i could get some privacy.  It was probably the most interesting bit of writting, and different than the usual stuff, that ive done in a long time .

Darrel was so happy to see me it did my heart good after all the meaness he dished out during the last meeting. He is so very glad i quit drinking. We are in a different phase  now.

what can i say about my stay in Tacoma? it was vastly differnt than myexperience here in Bellingham, a completely new slice of life, where most of the women wear leggings and lots and lots of make up.  I’ve been completely out of touch with that world.  I did some tough work . . . it’s too bad i lost all record of that.

I have a lady staying with me for a bit.  it’s getting on my nerves already. She’s sweet, but crazy.   Went to a women’s meeting last night . . .all respectable white women, my age or older . . .all welcoming and accepting.  I compare this to my reception in Bellingham 15 years ago . . is it even the same world??  It is my goal to build back my social credibility here . . and this is where it starts.  The drinking is done.  Neither Darrell or i want to revisit our emeshed drinking dramas of the past.  yet . . . all of his significant artwork was done in those days and sitting respectably at ‘gratefull hearts’ meetings just doesn’t pack  the same emotional whallop.

Thursday

Job interview yesterday.  rita and I have been spending lots of time with Darrell,either at my place or his. Both of them really like thier weed. I have not had my own place to myself and am missing it.  What have i done.  I only intended for Rita to stay a week , to rest and then make her connections  but it seems she has an idea that she will be their indefinetly.  i had to let her know that the housing authorites and the other tenents can be vicious towards those they don’t like if there is any violation in the rules and she can only stay 2 weeks. She was massively depressed.  I will have to reinforce this. Set a departure date and insist she get on the ball with her next move.

She may stay at Darrell’s place.  We are trying to hook her up with housing advocates.  so far she hasn’t done much of anything except park on the couch, not dishes, no cooking, no money offered although i have hinted that i am broke.  She had 350 dollars worth of food stamps and I got her to get some groceries for Darrell’s place so we have a roast to cook up tommarrow. At least we got a roast. This is a repeat of my Darrell experience when he was living off of me. To this day he has no conscience about it.

it seems i have epic boundary faliure problems, then and now . . . even when i know, intellectually, how essentially my own space is to my own sanity.

 

One good thing … my long absence has made Darrell much more appreciative.

Saturday

Can’t seem to get over my coughing.  Rita has found a man friend and is spending time at his place.  I felt bad about setting a time limit on Rita’s stay, knowing that she was trying to stay clean and that it is very cold out there.  She took a shine to Darrell . .,perhaps it was her comments I overheard about how Karen was ‘sharing her man’ that ticked me off. She picked that up from the girls on the streets, probably during the Donna days.   Tired tonight . . this cough has me down when i so want to go swimming and do a few things.  but am content to crochet a hat and watch America Unearthed beneath the Christmas lights in my now serene apartment. Spleen gone.  Feel lonely all of a sudden.  I haven’t emerged a very lovable person over the years.

 

Monday

a few minutes before my women’s meeting. I feel so much better today.  over my bronchitis asthma crap.  Went for a swim and got a short shag haircut that is so snazzy I hardly recognize myself.  Have continued to look for work.  Have a gig tommarrow and did some interviews.  I suddenly felt very mother hen and worried about Rita when she took off . . .so Im keeping an open door if there’s any problem with her new man friend.

Feeling optomistic today. In a ‘I can do anything’ mood . . . a year ago i felt like i could no longer do anything sucessfully.  But i am. and I am looking alive and attractive again.  I like it.

Saturday December 26th

Went church hopping with Darrell and Ria Chrismas Eve. First off was a non demominational church with big screens that had larger than life verses and imagry from the bible. We lit each other’s candles and held them high.  Who would have thought to find us at a candle light service, side by side after all is done . . lighting each other;s candles.  life is amazing the way it all turns out.  After that we slipped into the assumption catholis church service . . . children dressed as angles , mary and joseph were exiting as we slid into the back pew.  There were kids , many Hispanic,twisting and crawling  all over the place and a steady stream of parents were leading the cranky ones or ones that needed to pee to the bathrooms throughout the  bilingual service.  So different from the composed, largely white worshipers of the first service.  But i liked the speaker abilitites of the first better.  i like the visual appeal , the sensory appeal of the catholic serive however . . . i always did respond to that, the incense, the ritual.

The light of the world gave way to werewolf of the world when we got home however. Darrell got wierd and did one of his hurt karen on christmas routines . . as always.  rita and I almost had to walk back.  At least he apologized and blamed it on the full moon.  rita and gave hima bit of dialectical theraphy about trauma responses and concluded that his anual chistmas theater of cruelty may be rooted in the trauma he experience in the christmas of 2003 when he got thrown out of my building with a borken arm by my apartment manager .  it was pretty shattering for him . . .he’d offered the town the gift of his sobriety and his artwork and they brought him to the bottom of powerlessness, put him in his ‘place’ in one act of savage, sadistic jealousy. The next day i bought Darrell a warm winter coat and down sleeping bag and the street people too flocked around him when he was passed out and robbed him of these things . . leaving him cold, alone and freezing that cristmas.  on christmas day I had to serve a bunch of well to do elders at an assisted living plac called the leopold.  After the dinner i walked out and everyone gave me a round of applause .. just as Darrell, wet and cold came in to ask for the use of my phone.  As the people applauded me i witnesses the wait staff escort him out of the building . . he was just an Indian drunk.  only 5 days earlier he had come in and given me my christmas present in front of everyone.

Darrell said he was not ‘shattered’ by these events, just took them in stride but i remember, he was shattered and angry, big time, and i do believe that is why he fucks up my christmass every year since.

however, we got over it this year.  the next morning began with freshly made cinnamon rolls and quiche.

Now it’s back to normal. Everyone on good terms.  Rita’s old boyfriend is taking her back and will pick her up this afternoon and she is pretty happy about this.  I  think i did the right thing in giving her a place to stay in the interum over the holiday.  things turned out all right . . and it kept me from thinking about drinking.

Monday december 28 2015

At last, i spent a quiet day working on my arts and crafts. Darrell came over for breakfast and turned werewolf again but i refused to be baited into saying anything too final that could be used against me.  i asked him to think about what was bothering him.  the usual crap about how my breakfast was shit , how he didn’t give a shit about me and wanted to see some one else. how he didn’t care about me.  I didn’t even cry.  i failed to leave this situation so i can’t really act suprised when the same patterns  re emerge.  the thing is . . when he is like this he is probably coming from the real Darrell, and the snuggly lovey Darrell is less true.  And i know it.  but what can i do??  I have failed at all attempts at resolution so i must just put up with these charecter flips and handle them with calm and try to de escalate them  . . the social problems that result from trying to stand up for myself, or my ground become insurmountable and just not worth it.  I have goals in mind and I am going to have to demonstrate my ability to handle whatever is thrown at me without instant emotional reactions.  Without breaking down.  and if i can’t get my life on track . . then at least i have my dignity.  Go down in full possesion of myself.  At least i can respect myself.

I have my parents situation to think about, and other things.

(later) I take it back.  Werewolf Darrell is not the real Darrell.. That is coming from the place of P.T.s.D . .triggering anger and fear.  When ever a person is manifesting higher conciousness THAT is the real self, the light.

With the Star wars movie coming out I am seeing advertising that draws on being seduced by the dark side or chosing the light.  is any one EVER ‘seduced’ by the light side i wonder??  Do they ever say . . . i was seduced by the light side but now i see the dark .. .just joking.

 

Wednesday

Earthquake last night.  4.7.  Not too mentionable by California standards but unusual here.  Despite the werewolf crap , things are generally moving in a good direction. We had a nice breakfast at my house this morning with potato pancakes and gravy ,healthy smoothies and had a lot of fun chewing on current events of all sorts.  Mornings like this make it all worth while . . and it makes me gratefull for the things in my life that i have.  Much to do today.  have lots of topics on my mind but am not in the mood to explore them.

Thurs.dec 31

might have a job as of today. will find out by noon. Called vocational rehab and have an appointment set

for the 12th.  It’s full steam ahead now.  IPLAN TO  do turorials through manpower as well.  They hav some good stuff there. . and there are other avenues, like everett or the tech school here.  It is good to have a plan for the future.  So missing in my life . . . and now, I am actually doing it. . . following through and things are moving ahead.

I ave a big crock pot full of chicken bubbling away  and we feel good this  morning. We are really talking again.  Like we used to.  Every day a few more lightbulbs go back on and i see the psychological rut i fell into as if i wer ascending far away from that person who does not seem me at all. Darrell says booze makes people say thing that makes the whole world hate them . Damned if i know what it is he is refering to.  But it took a lot to make me that way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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