November 2016

4 11 2016

My boss asked me if i wanted to work full time. She says i am doing an awesome job. Did you here that? Awesome.
I have some big decisions to make.
She was amazed that i got the new client into the shower this morning. She’d refused to shower for 3 days. shoot, handling her was a breeze. I cut my teeth throwing drunks into the shower . . . all that experience was prelude to a higher purpose it seems. he he

Nov 7

Made a turkey yesterday.  Tonight we feast.  Left overs for thanksgiving . . or a community dinner somewhere.

I am made happy by the way that Darrell has stepped up to the plate and put the nessesary work into his place and car. I asked him to film it to thwart any further threats against me if I hae him over to visit. that way their is documentation that can legally used.    i feel confident enough to have him over to watch the game .

I have some big decisions to make regarding my parents right now.  We are in agreement that I will come back to St. Cloud to help them out.  I was in an escapist frame of mind, very hurt and confused and retraumatized when i started getting threats that threatened to bring down my world up here . . . but now that that is under controll ,running back to St. Cloud seems so utterly depressing.  My folks would try to dominate my choices and lifestyle the way they always have . . and not complying could end of with me being totally alienated . . which has been the pattern in the past.  I would not have been so alienated in Minneapolis if it were not for this pattern.  The reasons for going back have to do with my mother’s failing health and my fathers inablity to bring in outside help of make lifestyle changes.  Darrell is moving to Standing Rock soon and i do not know if this will be permanent or if he intends to get new housing up here.  he talks of getting a house in Mc Laughlin.  I do not know the attitude of his people towards me right now, if they even have an attitude one way or th other right now.  Certianly I have been cast as a person who brought negative controversy on the peoples.  My blogging about my life over the years bothered some people and there were extreme actions to silence or discredit what i described.  Most people in America have bought into the false story . . .and are unwilling to change their attitudes which became pretty hatefull at times.  It was orchestrated hate.  Not EVERYONE hates Karen.  The media does and they want to believe everyone else does too.  Only weaker minds.  people outside the mainstream influences close to the situation over the years were more objective.

All that aside . . . . there is an admirable coming together transpiring on Darrell’s rez right now that has the gaze of the world on it.  i do not want to distract or cast a shadow on this so im not going to go into the ‘conspiracy’ stuff, the ‘what went down’ or ‘lets finish the job stuff’ . . . .thats just focused malicious or scapegoating energy.  Free floating evil.  It is a seperate issue.  The stuff that is going on in Standing Rock now arises from a much more concious place.  At any rate . . . i do not know the attitude right now and wether it would be advisable to plan on going with Darrell.  or wether I would be happy.  So what would make me happy?  Could i be happy here if i continue to live here.  Could i find some happiness in Minnesota near my folks, helping out their time of need.

There much going through my mind about national politics right now. Its come as a surprise to the establishment that the patriot movement and the alt. right as it’s called got so big and powerfull . . that someone like Alex Jones could actually come so close to upsetting the status qou.  Trump actually has a chanch of winning.  It remains to be seen.

Wed November 9

It’s Trump day! It was fun to watch the reactions of MSNBC. At least for me.  God bless the Bullshitting media for never understanding anything . . and thinking if they just bullshit a little more . . . . they didnt HAVE to cover the email protocol non-scandal 24 hours a day, 7 days a week . . . or force Bernie out of the race.  Now theres a rush on Canadian immigration sites . . so many people threatening immigration because they are afraid, because they couldn’t have their way . It takes a long time to get through the immigration process into Canada.  After all the open borders controversy . Now they want to flee the mess they created that created a Trump reaction. Interesting.  I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind right now . . . but they will keep untill later.

Thursday

Massive protests going on here in Bellingham . . for 2 days now.  Crazy energy exploding everwhere.  Paranoia rampant. One lady was trying to tell me it was going to be Hitler’s Germany all over again.  martial law. suspention of rights and liberties. Then KrystalNacht, then the invasion of Canada (like Poland)then you what what follows.

why, i asked would Tump want to invade Canada.  Livingspace was her answer. right.  Sure.some of these idiots  watch the Hitler channel ( I mean the history channel) and learn a few big words  liebenstaum  and kristalnacht or Riechstag  and they think they  are authorities.  it’s laughable.  There’s livingspace here . . .Canada is part of the British commenwealth. That would be suicide. That’s just stupid.

Well there very well might be a round up of ‘undesirables’ so to speak . . and I can see the glum expression on the street peoples who had such a hey day here 10 years ago that they KNOW the fun times are over, glum expressions on a lot of Mexicans, a lot of people period . . .but there will be no second holocaust of the Jews here that’s for sure. they have a powerfull country  now and any real threat of that would be dealt with swiftly.  yeah the craziness is starting . . . as i walked downtown, I watched the protestors and they seemed to me to be highschoolers.  These aren’t the well schooled in guerrilla thought lefties i saw protesting in Madison, or the anarchists of Eugene. They are kids.  One dude got all nuts as  they passed and did the nazi salute and all kinds of crazy shit.  it’s bat shit crazy out there.  here too in the one sanctuary I have . . .continue to be hassled despite best efforts, never good enough.  They continue to blame Darrell and i.

Friday

battling depression today over a number of things.  I just re read my journals of may and June 2013 and looked at the pictures inserted of massive bed bug bites that no one seemed to be able identify, treat or diagnose untill the case becam catestrophic. No wonder any re creation of that creates deep despair, PTSD.  It was horrible.  How many times did i have the maintenance staff over in May-June 2013  before they finally diagnosised it??  Back then ther WAS a connection between Darrell’s street life, and time with the girls of the streets and what transfered to me . . . that has reoccured, less catastophically several times since then.  So there is nothing wrong with me for getting upset when the same energy plays out again.

I just cried and cried today as it all came back.

26th

Darrell planning to hit the road around the 1st.  The reality sets in.  Bed bugs fade into unimportance and all the confused reactions in relation to housing and darrell and all that traumatic stuff from the past.

Sunday night there was a major confrontation on his rez.  Water cannons , percussion grenades, rubber bullets turned on the Water protectors.  Shocked.  Could not understand why the media black out.  have been searching the internet the past few days and it seems there WAS a militant camp that was doing some stuff the tribe didn’t like. The strategy is to keep it non violent.  So i guess they have been asked to leave after this incident Sunday.  Looks like the environmental radicals have moved in, and th Sanders people are trying to direct the narrative . . i might be wrong.  Darrell says it’s time to step in now . . .set it straight, fight for his family.  This is affecting me too . . . I know some of his family members, i have, for better or worse been imersed in this story too.  Darrell would like me to come and photograph things.  Im not sure of my feelings right now . . . .Im wondering now if this is yet another Soros planned conflict (partly)and if he really is as bad as th alt right says he is.  Looks like Soros  likes to play God for the power of it, and his own gain, and the philanthropic donations are not as noble as they seem. They are going to take him down soon if what Im seeing across the internet is correct. Also it looks like donations from Green energy and the rail industry to this protest have been substantial . . .but  I don’t have a problem with that.  Darrell tells me the inside dirt on the money stuff. What he knows of it.   so which side am I on . . any? neither? Just an observer?  Am i ready to be injured, even killed, to give up everything to be on the lines if I am not wanted there?Wanted off the stage?   I did once but i am no longer Eugene Karen . . . or am I.

Going back with Darrell could  help set things right, give us back controll of the personal narrative about ourselves  instead of letting the Bernie people  demonize Karen to those people who might actually accept me.

Big decisions to make.  When Darrell goes, i may not see him again . . . he could be killed, or injured or develop pnuemonia . . but then, he has family.  Practically everyone in this fight is related to him.  Perhaps it best to let him finally fight for his own family after all these years, and take the role he has been ment for with out interfering.  I must accept, what ever is my fate, whatever is dealt me, like a strong adult.

(later) researching.  could not sleep.  The more i read and watch, the more i am convinced of the imorality . . .and cruelty of what is going on in Standing Rock.  I have heard thaat some kind of massive microwave type equipment was seen there . . . which basically cooks the fluids in body cells when a person is targeted, making them feel as if they are burning.  Can this be true?  Are they testing this stuff out??

Ward churchhill believes they will try to lquidate that tribe. That’s  Darrell’s family,his descendants, many of them.  Darrell is one of few full bloods still around . . . a descendent of chief Gall.    Others are saying that they will not compromise with the army corp of engineers order to disperse before the 5th.

I guess they are having a hard time reporting live from there.  So i will continue to post videos and try to inform people.  That’s the best thing i can do for now.  I might be most helpfull as back up from Bellingham when Darrell hits the road.  I can send money.  of course i could make money in St. Cloud too . . . that’s not far from Standing Rock.  probably more, if my folks will help me , and if the establishment , and others, leave me the fuck alone for a change.  Even if they don’t . . what am i made of if I can’t do what I believe is a moral imperative because i am cowed by imminent establishment charecter attacks, family ties . . . .I owe my aged parents freedom from strife . . . but no one else in St. Cloud.  That means leave my little sanctuary here . . . .and how i love my nest, poor thing that it is,  but even that has been no refuge, no sanctuary over the years . . surviellence and what amounts to pschological tourture via media . . no real privacy, hassled non stop over nothing . . . Darrell and i were hassled to the point of madness ( it WASN’T my fault, i protected him)   . . . would traveling with Darrell be wasted effort . . . only to be dispersed.  Darrell NEEDS to go now . . .straighten things out as he understands it.  If i go to St. Cloud will he bring battle to St. Cloud?  that’s MY folks Im thinking of. Would i be putting myself in position to be catalyst for that?

No one can understand what i have been going through.  They cannot imagian, as i review our history together and what future is ahead.

Sunday

Yesterday’s distress is not so overwhlemingthis morning.  Foggy and calm.  Feist playing as i prepare for breakfast.  Had Darrell over forbreakfast and dinner. Pissed him off because i got all weepy. he called me a coward for my doubts.  But i believe he understood what i was going through, what i was getting at.  Got in a swim and that made me feel better.  feel bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning, at peace, almost serene and looking forward to life for the first time in months.  Waiting for a call from Dad to see what he is willing to do if i go to St. Cloud.  Not drinking anymore . . maybe that’s why my emotions are spilling all over . . . . . if Dad says O>K then i may take the train to St. Cloud and set up.  It depends too on Darrell’s deicsions. Wether he still plans to take his truck over all the trecherous mountain terrian this time of year.  I know he wants help driving . . .but he could roundup someone for the trip.

Tuesday 30th

Most people advising me to stay put, to use my brain creatively from here rather than adding more bodies in North Dkota.  The Feds have said they will not enforce the tresspass order so the weight will be on the state, and energy Transfer goons.  Smart.  Darrell and i spent some rewarding time together the past couple of days. yesterday I brought over a bunch of groceries and he was delighted, as if he were planning on hanging on to his place . . then he talks about closing it all out and going back to get a house and part of the tribal money hehas been missing out on.  He wants to settle down after the fray, close to family.  t’s been his dream. He would like me there too, or near, like in St. Cloud.  Still have to talk to my Dad.  with all the ice and now 13 inches of snow on the praries I do not trust driving . . but i fear Darrell trying to do this alone.

Meanwhile, I’ve been caught up in Magnificent Century, kind of a Turkish soap opera set in the palace of the ottoman empires in the 16th century.  All kinds of harem intrique .  It’s  pretty romanticised , all these charecters think about is love, but they never have a practical, normal  conversation when they are with the person they desire.  Women who have pining away for th sultans attentions throw themselves emotionally at him when they are finally admitted to his chamber which, if i were a man, I would find  extremely annoying andd tiresome.  Does anyone ever ask how was your day? How  are you?

Turkey is a patriarchial society still and i believe their Muslim censorship laws make sexual explicit material prohibited ( I might be wrong) so this makes for a strange telling of harm life . . which is in reality all about sexuality and not romanticised love. A soap opera about the harem where the charecters cannot be sexualy explicit and only talk about love. . . . wow.  It’s a strange world these charecter inhabit . . . they must have found something to occupy thier time besides plotting, making themselves beautifull and hoping that the Sultan will call them to his private chamber.  I wonder what they really did.  when i look at pics on the internet they look like they are having a pretty good time,and the dress is more exotic( to use a western fascination ) than the diaphonous gowns depicted in the show.  It might not have been such a bad life.  The food was good. So was the medicine.   The hygiene was too compared to the lives of European women. And they got to socialize among themselves . . didn’t have to work hard. maybe, not so bad. But I suppose there’s the question of doing somethng meaningfull in the larger world . . .but that’s a western womans thinking.  Perhaps it would be sort of like living on Welfare with better clothes . . .except, you had to stay home. Hmmm . . . no t.v. . . .

(later) well, there’s always camp clean up . . . somebodys gotta do it when it fills up with trash and the hippies move on.  if we do go, by time we get there it will be time to pick up trash and do latrine duties.

That actually might be of more benifit to the tribe than a heroic stand on the 5th.

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