June 7th 2019
Just returned home from a satisfying art crawl . . thanks to portland artists Elo and Trista who hooked me up. Spent a bundle doing up some of Darrell’s cards but it added to the presentation, people took an active interest . . more than they ever did in Bellingham, in 4 hours he sold 6 or 7, I made about 85 bucks which is an o.k. start . . . given that the advertising was poor and the stream of people coming through was thin. We had fun tho. At least i am getting out there with something i created and people are likeing it and it is bringing me out of the despairing slump I was in. I am enjoying St. Cloud now.
6-12
Everything came crashing down in the space of a day. Darrell never made it over for a visit. Instead, he got picked up again. This time for 119 days no bail. he almost made it. There was a rush on the part of his brother Dallas to raise bail. he was asking me to throw in 250 bucks. But I double checked on that and discovered that there was no bail. He continued to request money for some hardship or another but my heart has grown cold when it comes to Sioux schemes and demands for money. I still have a caring spot for Darrell however, and a few people, despite everything. Im made sad by the realization that i probably will never see him again unless i make the effort to drive over and visit. If I can get my car tuned up by Saturday I will take the trip. I look at the cards i still make up and remember so much. Like a futile attempt to revive a dream. So much that these people around here will never, ever understand. Allmost imediately after the sucess of the farmers market and the art crawl i came under attack. I took quite a beating but Im not going to go into it here. Still trying to figure out the best way to deal with it. it will happen again so i cant ignore it. To me, it seemed like just as I was staring to emerge on my own erms, I had to be cut down and put into my place. I get so tired of being beaten up here. . verbally and emotionally . It’s never a regional predispoition on their part, never, all on me. My failings. Why do they insist on keeping me in a role devoid of merit and beauty , capability and strenghth . . insisting on such such bad qualities . . bad “rep”, when so much of my life in the past twenty years has acturally taken a lot of charecter, a lot of personal strenghth, and i was loyal to a fault.
Ive been working far harder here in St. Cloud to be responsible, self reliant, socially friendly, than i ever did in the past. And Ive been feeling pretty good about it. I have my own house, a functional car, a nice flower bed in the front, an emerging garden in the back, I look after my Dad, I take care of my own health. So i dont have a nice house and grandchildren and all the things that give life meaning to most women my age. I dont have a boat. I dont have a cabin. Ive never been to the Bahmas, or even Mexico for that matter. But I feel O.K> with this. And as long as Im not hurting anyone, why are they still discussing wether I deserve to die, wether ‘it’s time”. . . wether we should ‘finish the job.’
6-13-19
I did talk to some one about this and i think that was a good decision. At least it ceased to bother me so much, the pain went away. Other employees were trying to buck me up with support by telling me what a good job i was doing, Sharita even gave me a hug, and one of my supervisors told me as much, that they dont want me to quit. Thats good to hear. My co workers on 2nd floor also say they dont want me to quit.
I think i will wait a couple of weeks before going to Fort Yates. Its a long trip. Want to make sure the car is absolutely reliable for such a long haul. I could drop off those tires too, but tht means going down to Little Eagle. Maybe i ought to wire Dallas a little cash just to keep peace. I really don’t want to get stuck there. So that means i should have the car chec ked out for about 50 bucks. I also have to work on insurance for the medical procedures ahead . . if i want coverage in July I have to do that now.
Dad returned home from his trip to New York. He took the train. He described how lost and confused he was in the Chicago train station. I’ve been there and its no joke.
You got to hand it to him. That takes guts . . . a 91 year old guy traveling alone, who can barely see, navagating Chicago. Now I know where i get it from.
It sounds like he had a great time at Kate’s. I have to hand it to her. She really knows how to throw a party and entertain.
6-15-19
Sultry weather. possible rain. Did weed detail today with my new handy dandy black and decker trimmer. Had a hell of a time figuring out the string thing but the yard looks normal now. Youd never guess how over grown and neglected it was. I take pictures of my piddly flowers and i guess its a joke compared to the gardens Dad and Katee kept. But when I started i had to break ground covered with saplings , vines and lily of the valley. by the time i was done doing basic prep I was too pooped to go a yard farther and get the peat moss, potting soil and fertilizer to build it up. The soil was too sandy and dense for rapid growth and a lat snow almost wiped out my starts. So it’s piddly . . but Im proud of it any way. Next year, if Im here, Ill plan better . . . wait untill June first to plant and select taller perennials rather than the usual hothouse
varieties . . . Ill, use the old formula i recall from my days on oregon pot plantatian, including collecting pee to scare away critters.
I think what’s going on this year is a prolonged grieving process . . . not just for WA chapter, my home there and all i lost, but also my parents and thier home. The flower bit and the den with file cabnets is my way of holding on to Dad’s . Just as so many things in my decor ae pure Mom. I have not written at all about Mom since she passed. Have not written about her final days , the horror of it all and the shock. and the rituals of the funeral and division of the household loot.
Everyone loses parents. But the drama of the way it played out in my life was catastrophic. For Darrell and i both. and now, Darrell slips away irretrievably . . and what do i do now? I wasnt emotionally there for him while he was here . . . and Im sorry. i didn’t mistreat him. In fact, i was not drinking much, only sporadically. I did a lot to make him comfortable and happy . . but i wasnt there. And he knew it the minute he saw me. That Id been broken in some way.
Im writing in the den, it still smells like Darrell, like sage and tobacco and patchouli . Maybe i can go through the closet and still find an old soiled tee shirt and sniff it. That primal remembrance we crave when we are so lonely for someone. Maybe i can cook up some spam . . .well . . . not that far. I wouldn’t even feel bad buying a can of hurricane and just popping it and letting the fumes waft through. Or even buy some tobacco and save a few butts.
or i could actually buy some weed and save the roaches.
6/25/19
A week of rain and humidity. Visited Dad and took him out for an ice cream cone. Decided to rent a car and take off early Saturday morning for Standing Rock. That way there’s no anxieties about the old car breaking down. Nothing exciting going on in my personal life.
The New York Times did an article on the anti immigration’ backlash ‘in St. Cloud. The St. Cloud times ran an editorial scathingly castigating the town as cowards . . . a public shaming. Ive not experienced or witnessed much anti immigration sentiment, a little bit . . comments on hygiene and thieving habits, some one i know passed along on facebook some articles about Minneapolis Phillips neighborhood being the nations number one recruiting ground for islamic terrorism, and one person lamented that the Somalians were reported to be aqquiring a lot of guns now. But I’ve heard no violence or abuse expressed.
I personally feel that St. Cloud bends over backwards to avoid being labeled racist. Compared to Minneapolis 20 years ago i find the anit immigrant sentiment pretty muted . . but then, i dont travel in circles where it would be active.
I was somewhat amused by this when i read about it, and somewhat pissed off. Mostly at the hypocrasy of the New York Times targeting St. Cloud . . . the dems must be feeling a sense of panic and are desperate to regain the moral high ground. Or maybe they are trying to create a controversy or conflict . . a moutain out of a mole hill.
I don’t know. I know that national vision hires a lot of Somalians, they have a prayer room and a station for washing feet in the mens room . . .i saw a lot of respect and no conflicts of merit. St. Bens too , where i work, hires a lot of Africans. Maybe 40 percent of the aids. On my floor. I get on just fine , as do most people. Ive heard some complaints of white ignorance . . . by a woman who speaks 7 languages. Centra Care, St. Cloud’s largest employer hires a lot of immigrants. The influx of refugees hasn’t threatened my lifestyle in any significant way. Ive heard complaints that the large number of refugees puts a strain on the wlefare system. I heard that too in Minneapolis, and not just from white people. But Im not on welfare so . . .
Perhaps Im not in the know . . . perhaps there are incidents Im unaware of, or groups that are clandestine . . . for sure, there is a underground ugliness to be found. But im not married to anyone like that so . . .
6-28
And speaking of ” I’m not married to anyone like that” . . .I just might be shortly. A letter arrived from Standing Rock this morning. Id left work early because i had a case of the terrible trots and couldn’t be torn away from my new love interest, the toilet, long enough to serve food. Nor should I if I have a bug. i felt kind of down, and as eager as Juliet to see my soul mate the toilet when i arrived home only to find . . . at long last, a letter from Darrell.
” . . .Hi Sweetheart.
Only me, the Jail bird from Standing Rock . . .to let you know I’ll be out one fine day october 4th at 9 A.m. Be looking forward to seeing you.
There’s something you always wanted to do. Get married. Tell your Dad, this man is going to marry his daughter. We’ve been married the Indian way for many, many years now. the rest of our lives will be together . . . O.K>?
Get ready. . .
Get ready?? Like . . brace yourself??
Im reminded of an old cartoon I did back when Speilbergs miniseries came out about the trek West, INTO THE WEST. I called it THE WHEELERS or INTO THE REST HOME. In the cartoon , an aged Darrell in a wheel chair and an aged Karen in a wheelchair are still giving each other crap. “I’ll get you yet” the aged Darrelll says . “Catch me fuck me.” replies the aged Karen and the wheel chair race is on. “You better get ready” the wheezing Darrell warns . . after several years pass . . just before he catches up . . .the 2012 catastrophy that was predicted occurs and the world blows up.
Get ready he says. Why is this letter so hilarious. “Tell your Dad this man is going to marry his daughter” . . ‘ I can imagine that scene .
“and we will be together the rest of our lives.”
this reminds me of another cartoon I did around around 1998 . . kKaren and Darrell waking up disheveled after presumably a night of drinking
“Were these two fuckups born for each other or did they deserve each other.” read the caption
I will say one thing for the Sioux. They make me laugh, alot. They run riot with all the ‘good beahvior rules’ Really laugh right when i needed a laugh.
The letter goes on to describe his poor health, his blood pressure spikes ( 167) and blood sugar spikes and his desire to stay close to a hospital.
He says he wants no fancy wedding. Just a justice of the peace.
Despite the hilarity . . much needed . . .there’s a more serious under tone. He feels his time is running out, his body is breaking down. ( It is) Just as i worry about health issues. Well here’s a plus worth considering . . . Marriage would allow me free dental and i could go to the Indian clinic for the lady problems I face. that way Im not made destitute by huge health care costs. Free Dental!! and medical!! I cant seriously be thinking about it?? You bet your ass I am. that’s how bad it is in America. Only if we lived in WA however, not around here, or S.D.
Im going to need Darrell’s help as much as he needs mine if I have surgery. But where are we going to live? He hasn’t secured a house. As it was said in Fiddler on the Roof . . a fish may love a bird but where would they make a home.
Saturday
Im still down with cramps and the terrible trots . .still got that bug. I know they think i was faking it at work but your supposed to stay home if you are carrying a bug. There’s people there who are quite fragile and can’t handle any added infection.
So Im not going to Standing Rock.
Truthfully . . there’s no reason our relationship would suddenly go any better than it has in the past . . and as Much as I miss how funny Darrell could be, miss talking to him, and all the outrageous antics he got away with, I love my peace and quiet now. We split up for a reason.
There’s still all kinds of bad energy floating around out there, but it ends at my doorstep, no one has access to me . I have every reason to suspect a trap designed to impose a will to evil on me again that so many people gain a sense of empowerment from. I mean he tells people he was never happy with me, that I continually mistreated him, hes been doing that for 20 years . . and it still works, still gets people willing some kind of pay back . .
and whats his obsession with my Dad over the years? Like he’s the enemy . . .Dad never did anything to him. Except for not wanting Darrell to stay over when we drove out from S.D last year. That hurt Darrell but considering all th shit that Darrell pulled Dad had some good reasons.
Darrell wasnt important to Dad, he didnt think about him much one way or the other. Im wasn’t that important either, so it goes.
Id like to think Darrell’s thinking nostalgically of fun times, as I do . . . that maybe he has come o recognize my worth in his life . .but nostalgia is deadly. It clouds my vision of the real picture, the real history. He just wants to worm his way back in and have controll. I suspect he has no place to go. I think he has to leave the rez for a year.
But what am I supposed to do for him here? He acted out so often here . . and it was such a pain. The threat sent my anxiety through the roof over and over. My landlord wouldn’t stand for it . . Id only lose my housing.
7-1
Its been a year since Mom died. last year at this time I was going through the most horrific event, the most awfull process in my life . . .and where was Romeo? Too busy hanging out with the drunks of Bellingham to answer my phone calls.
I spent the weekend binge watching Breaking bad and finishing up a lot of hats. Now it’s back to work. Feeling better.
7-5
Dream
I went to Georgia on some sort of tour or won vacation. It was actually more like New Orleans.
Kind of Jazzy and fun, but definetly gentrified. At some point we were looking at a cityscape skyline some distance away that was very industrial looking, like oil production, very ugly. One by one the buildings started to come down. We realized we were watching a terrorist attack. One by one they came down, it went on untill there was nothing left. We were amazed but then we could see , where the buildings had been, a beautifull sky fullo of billowy clouds, a beautiful natural view where the industrial city had been.
it was as if we all saw the beauty of this for the first time and were amazed.
Notes;
The dream is about big oil. Perhaps the military industrial complex. I had been watching a symposium on c span about gentrification and the call to revolution.
7-6
Bought a printer. I printed up some photos of people and places important to Darrell. His deceased brother, parents, friends, the Lummi shoreline. This will cheer him up. I was carefull in my response, told him i was surprised and touched by his letter ,but that we had lots of time to talk about things.
My Drs appointment is next week and i will have a better idea then whats in store. Perhaps i can get things addressed at the clinic but if i have to have surgery, probably , then it will have to wait untill october. I will need care for a while, and some help . . . so nothings off the table. Of course, i could rent out the back room, free rent in return for housework and some patient care.
Right now I am making a life plan for the interum.
What can i do to give my life meaning, to keep myself from falling into depression . . what goals can i set??
Quit drinking absolutely. This will help with weight loss and energy and aura at work. First thing . . make my mind as clear as possible,as much as i enjoy a few beers. Dont make it easy for anyone to denegrate . Then, begin doing some Yoga again and practicing the violin, a good discipline. Why not get a guitar instead?
Second thing. Make a strict budget. Quit wasting so much money . . what did I need a weed cutter for?? No more clothes, No more going out to eat a lot. Coffee shops are O>K>. Go to Jules Bistro instead of Lincoln depot and other taverns . I dont know what I’m trying to be . . . its not where i belong. Its where people would like to see me, but its not the real me.
Focus not on the yard and the flowers . . which took up a lot, a lot of money, and time for nothing . . . nothing seemed to flourish. In a way, that’s symbolic. It was an external display.
Focus on creativity of my own. Fix the sewing machine and make some aprons for Dad and myself and then some project i can add to my table . . some pillow cases, or aprons . . something easy, with colorfull fabrics. Now that I have a printer i can make up a folder of master prints that Ive edited myself of Darrells art . Edit them to bring out color. That way it is easy to go to FedEx kinkos and make copies on a self serve machine for a fraction of the cost.
Make up a photo albumn out of all the online albumns over the year . . now there’s a project.
(later)
Wow. Soros and Koch putting thier heads together to create a think tank to end the endless war foriegn policy?? Wow. Now, if they could undo all the outsourcing , the robber capitalism.
7-8-2019
its like R.t said . . .It’s like the clap and syphilis getting together to cure herpes. or something like that.
Well, my resolutions work fine . . when I GET A DAY OFF EVERY FOUR OR FIVE DAYS . . .more than 5, or 6, i get obessive compulsive. My legs and ankles hurt but i must keep on . . .rather than swim, I shop. Better than going and having a beer right? Perhaps its the taking off of the beer glasses . . . that reminds me that i have stinky, old shoes . . . that i look like crap . . . I look old,
So i went out and bought 2 pairs of tennis shoes, one for dress, the other for work and a pair of sandles. I love the Hurrachas i got at the garage sale for 4 bucks . . but i needed DRESS sandels . . .just in case I have to dress up. I have no reasons to dress up, to compose ‘ outfits’. I make them up . . dinner with Dad, O.K> must dress nice. makes Dad feel good. Well, it made Darrell fucking suspicious thats all it did. But if I do the Sauturday market nex weekend , or go to Minneapolis . . . i should have sandles and a matching top for my skirts . So i find myslef today thinking about clothes . . . MUST have clothes. . . then I bought a pair of good work shoes with memory foam . . .reasonable. And a pair of work pants tha fit better . . at Walmart, cheap. And a couple of tops to match my skirts. And a button down short sleeved shirt to match my tank tops. and some cotten athletic shorts to relax in. 6 bucks a piece. And a hair cut.
yes. I look better. My feet are happy to have good shoes. But i should have gone for a swim.
7-10
Its about time they got Epstien. I ve head some commentators ( robert Steele) state that Epstien was really Mosad . And this kind of stuff is how congress, much of it, was compromised. The Clintons were known to visit Lolita island, they were friends of Epstien . . . why does that NOT surprise me. There’s a journalist here in Mn that claims he was kidnapped, subjected to pschological touture, harrassment for revealing some Epstien links in the Obama era. I believe that . . . it happened to many people during the Obama era, me included. That’s why Democrats playing the moral highground, shamming people with allegations of racism or antisemitism or nacisism and so on makes me so angry. Up to their ears in human trafficing . . . and pointing the moral finger.
7-13
I am enjoying my day. NOT in an obsessive compulsive frenzy but taking my time cleaning house, listening to music, tending plants and playing computer games. It is hot out, and sticky indoors as well. Im about ready to venture out. Maybe I will go to a lake, or bike.
Made a trip down to Minneapolis for the dreaded Dr.s appointment. it was not fun, but i tolerated the biopsis and removal of polyphs. Cancer is still a concern because some of the unterine cells were abnormal but we will wait for the final test results. In the meantime, i have a better smile now. The dental clinic fixed my front tooth.
Minneapolis was fun. The weather was great, throngs of people were out enjoying the day. Nicollett ave has been transformed since the last time I saw it, full of outdoor seating and flower, fruit and vegitable vendors down town. It reminded me of Seattle. Not the Minneapolis i remember from the 90s. i want to go back and take in some exhibits. Love to rent a canoe and paddle around the Lakes. Why not. It’s summer. Feeling happy again to be in my world, all cleaned up, all relaxed . . .nothing I MUST do.
7/18/19
The final test results came back. Im in the clear. I am so relieved. The ominous messages i was recieving . . about abnormalities and possible hysterectomy had me worried, big time. I really thought that this time .. its serious. Acording to the doctors in Minneapolis it was a puzzle to them WHY planned parenthood could or would not do the basic tests and polyp removals right there at thier clinic but instead rushed to the conclusion that I MUST have a hysterectomy. I don’t know. perhaps they don’t have more than basic staffing and resources. Perhaps . . .there s just a typically St. Cloud rush to surgery conclusion that always steers people to expensive specialists. Im glad my skepticism took me to Minneapolis instead, which was much cheaper and less invasive. I was smart in that.
As for my resolutions . . . I had one last obsessive compulsive spending adventure, on first some beer and then clothes to make me feel more attractive . . or to mask my feelings of unattractiveness ,before moving forward to a better inward place.
brought the sewing machine in for repairs and the car as well, leaving me on bike for bit. its been sweltering hot and I havent wanted to excersise much but have been getting up early and doing a little yoga in the early morning cool, also reduced my calories. I feel excited about whats ahead now, about starting new projects and improving my persona.
New project this week; made up business cards and labels for Darrell, packaged up a bunch of cards. that way he has a professional product and presentation by the time he gets out . . and of course, i work on hats.
re focusing on ones inner spirit rather than externals is the key. Ive been too focused on the externals of trying to fit in, trying to gain public acceptance . . which will always back fire and go the other way and create a reactive response eventually, especially if your challenging a nasty smear which seems to be so deeply rooted here that nothing can tear it up . . . of course its naturual to try to address this, especially if it continues to create bad feelings . . but what ever St. Cloud throws at me as to ‘what we really think about you’ . . what ever crap is being used to stuff me into roles that are in reality, their own shadow side wether or not they are actually acted on . . .the trick is not to be hurt,or feel defeated but to keep foucs on ones own light, ones own spirit, not to turn anger and pain and protest inward and dim ones own soul but to keep it clear and healthy and happy .
I actually do find ways to be happy, to nuture myself. Im not often angry these days as I used to be. Im curious about politics, social dynamics, many things . . but its a dispassionet curiousity not something i need to prove.
7-20
Had one last ipa and cheeseburger at Lincoln depot . . .after two days of kale and brown rice, some splinter personality protested and rebelled.
However, i have been following through for the most part. I was working on hats and watching the netflicks series on Trotsky, which fasenated me. What a fine production. I followed this with the last of the Czars series . . so my history entertainment has been intense and drenched in massive wakes of death and blood. Then, at the gift store of the Y.M. C.A , looking through the yoga mats, the inspirational books of self improvement, the buddha statuettes, mindfullness stuff and aromatherapy displays, i found a litttle inspirational plaque that read;
LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL Leon Trotsky
Wow. Is that what you’d call all that? Who would have thought to find Leon nestled among the Buddha statuettes . I got to give him credit though . . .he was always a snappy dresser. Those leathers he wore during the civil war were hot and they must have cost a pretty penny. Which only goes to show that you can wage world revolution, total destruction of the old order and still be a snappy dresser , then eventually be remembered on a inspirational plaque among the aromatherapy and buddhas at the St. Cloud Y.M.C.A gift shop. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.
Life is ludicrous. That’s what it is.
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