March . . . to a different drummer 2017

1 03 2017

1
Checked out apartments in MN. There’s one in Paynesville that appeals to me but that’s a hike to St. Cloud. I believe my cousin lives there and she’s pretty cool. Like her spirit. She used to live with Broughta native man in Denver, now she has a lovely farm. . . checked out some apartments in wilmer at Darrell’s recommendation . . . nope. Affordable but i got the felling it was Mc laughlin just across the Mn side of the border. Might be best to just hoof over there and find an apartment when i get there, AFTER I get a job…. if i go. I am having some fun now at my jobs and I am getting good, confident at last.
Kinda hate the idea of doing MN . .
Contacted Student rentals in St. Cloud and they have 3 bedrooms available in June. Now if Darrell and i rented together and usee the third room as an arts and crafts guest room.. that a little over 300 each . Very cheap. We could have seperate rooms and seperate leases , independent lives but still combine commen activities like cooking and so on and that would be an advantage to both of us. But could we get along?? Do we want to? And could we really befriends and live independent lives?? Minneapolis is only but its toolate to do a hop and a skip away. . . . i suspect Darrell would spend a lot of his time down there. . . yes, as much as i resisted this idea i have to admit.. . it’s the best option for now.

(Later)

well they are going to cut offDarrell’spower on the 7th. He hasn’t paid his bills. . .I contacted his worker but it is too late to get assistance.I contacted his pot dealer too and told him to quite givingDarrell so much credit…he agreed.  he’s a business man but he is also Darrells friend.  Again. . . too late. So Darrell is packing to hit the road.  I am as much to blame as he . . . for not addressing this enabling, the co dependency  months ago instead of pouring out frustrations in journals . . . .should have contacted these people months ago.

without the credit from Paul,  Darrell would have had to consider medical marijuana.  Then he would have had money and yes, he does need it for pain and cataracts an d things .  i too let myself pay out and pay out and then build up resentments . . .i suppose i was afraid he would fall into worse hands if i stopped it.  Going to South Dakota may be the best things for him . . . he’s been hanging on to something that has not given much happiness for quite a while.  Ever since Rhonda left.  He will be O.K..  I have to face what my life has become and face my own role in it too . .

I should have confronted Paul months and months ago.  We ALL enabled him. Paul made a lot of money on it though. Did he at some level , need to prove, no matter how much he professed to like Darrell , that he , a white guy ,was smarter than this dumb Indian and dumb girlfriend.    In south Dakota Darrell will re gain his humor and creativity.  We will see each other again.

(later)  Feeling terrible.  Im losing it this evening.  Feel i cant take it any more.  Letting everyone down  now just when i was doin good.  Chewing on everthing.  dont know what i want.  But i feel better now . . in my own apartment.  By myself.  I just cant do anything more for people right now . . right now i hate caretaking.  last night I was rally happy with it.  yesterday i was happy to contact old friends.  Now i am feeling defensive and suspicious and coming on all mafia like.  I feel like everyone wants something from me and then they fuck with me and all the time i spend doing this takes it’s toll on my spirit . . i get fat and lose my light. Then the bug inspector gets on me again, een though i have no bugs . . she is doing inspections too now so she was in my place and found a blanket too close to the heater and threatened me with evicition shit again . . . she just HAS to keep doing this to me.  she just HAS to.

march 2

Got in a nights sleep. Locked myself away and yelled at the world till i was pooped out, but if the truth be known I haven’t really begun to yell . .. .Now that the Democrats are down and aren’t running a massive smear and psch ops ( which even my native friends understood, right from the start,  as over kill)  I ought to start at the beginning and write it all out . . . How many years was my spirit under assault . . for stuff i didn’t even do . . . to this day i still have to deal with people on a daily basis that accepted what the media called ‘truth’  . .( then bragged about how they finished the job). It was massively wrong.  Even criminal.

Can it really be that that era is finally over??s really truelly over?  That the world really does get what ive been saying about what was happening with me, and others . . .the vicious cultural Maoism that started in Madison and how extreme it got . . . the cult of liberal mockery gone viral and murderous . . . ( I called it John Stewert’s private army) the enormity of people caught up in a witch hunt . . . all that aggression.  and now, after years of being a support for Darrell under circumstances that would try a saint .. being blamed.

for it all.  Now the resistance movement in the Dakotas has collapsed.  There is no feeling of karma  . . just sadness, despite everything. Because it was, for one brief moment a hope rising from despair . . . and now, it’s even more despair . . and gathering anger.  The next chapter could get ugly.  Now America is all about power . . expanding the empire.  And we are in for a different psch op, a different witch hunt, and i fear a horrible future a head.

Saturday

I guess Darrell has an itinerary planned out . . down to Oregon for a while, then New Mexico, then, when the weather is warmer . . back to Standing rock.

It would be nice to see Oregon once again, but I don’t have anyone down there anymore.  All bridges are pretty much burned.  I see there will be a march in D.C and it looks like what was started in Standing Rock will move in a New Direction.  I saw something about reviving AIM .  I had a feeling that things would turn to bitterness and generalized anger , just judging from comments and postings of some people against privelege . . .and i was agonizing over our plans to return to the Midwest in the wake of all that . . .something no one could ever really understand.

But it looks like Darrell is striking out on his own, making his own plans.

But what about Karen.  Where does Karen go now. Stay or go.  There’s been sooooo much manufactured hatred . . . and now the only source of love, however troubled and imperfect is going.  We still love each other so much.  the things we   did once in the name of love, my god.The media got sooo much wrong.  They never understood anything . . or ever really tried. And now Niburu closes in and poof! what the hell did it all matter.

March 5

Had Darrell over for dinner and of course he was playing head games . . threatening to leave all the time, not wanting to eat . . .but I’ve turned a corner, and didn’t get hurt or angry.  I gave him a lantern.  I might get a few more . . they have some that you can crank up or plug into the car.  That way he has light.  I hate the thought of him being in the dark over there when they pull the power . . it seems like his thinking about all this is sooo magical, delusional, his case worker will swoop in tommarrow and find a way to pay the 800 dollar power bill.  Somehow he can continue to blow everything on gambling, then show up begging for money and attack me constantly and still expect me to  . . tio what? that’s what i can’t figure out?

What does he want from me besides money and occasional meals and some body to pick  on when hes lonely and looking for some one to take it out on.  Lanterns make sense right now.  and a cooler with ice packs for food.  Maybe a coleman stove and some batteries for the radio/c.d.

But maybe his social worker WILL swoop in and magically fix things.  She is asking why karen isn’t helping out.  All i ever do is help out.  She means why didn’t Karen pay on your electricity.  Do heavy cleaning in the kitchen.  Of course i am to blame.  It’s not enough.  I did remind him to pay on his bill, I even offered to match what ever he put down on it . . but of course he exploded at my nagging whnever i brought it up.  And I did clean his kitchen, practically everytime i went over.  Why do heavy cleaning and wash the ceiling and stuff if he’s going to lose his lease for failing to pay his power bill?If he’s planning to leave.  if he throws me out everytime i visit.

I will wait and see what happens.  I think the best thing he could do is begin his travels.  I want to remember other times . I feel sadness for them whenever i think of them but that was then and this is now . He still talks about us moving to Mobridge once he gets things together . . . but there’s no love fotr me there.  Im blamed for everything.  I treated him good . . .but he went out of his way to make his family , and people here feel that he was being neglected and abused , or that i was ‘easy’ when in fact during the whole of our relationship i never once ran out on him . . . .and there’s a lot of people who bought into all this, and refuse now to concider that they might have been wrong.  By orchestrating all this, He pretty much destroyed all chanches of my moving to Mobridge . . there are other reasons as well . . just as there are many reason why we could never live together in MN.

So for me, Ive decided, that is no longer an issue.  He cant move in with me again and when his power goes out, but i will give him what ever he asks for travel money.  Then, i need to think about what my parents are asking me to do . . . come home, and what that means. I feel obligated.

If he takes off on a week end I could go down to oregon with him and take the train back.  See him and Oregon one last time.  But Eugene . . . reports of Neo nazi activity there . . i mean, maybe not worth making a big deal over . . . but that takes away all the charming memories of our last time there if it’s like that . . don’t want to get caught up in THEIR conflicts and bullshit down there . . that’s their stuff, and its been going on for decades on and off.  Maybe we could just go to the coast for the day.

Monday 6th

and speaking of bills . . i didn’t get my rent check off this week end. A few minutes before work.  Bought a nice cooler for D and a few movies to watch. Movies are better than gambling.  Adrienne comes back to town tommarrow and maybe, maybe she can wave that wand and keep his power on . . . probably. I believe it is illegal to turn off the power on people who are disabled and elderly.

Trump accusing the dems of wire tapping.  What ever conclusion they arrive at mine is this; of course they did.  They did it to us.  Notoriously.  Flagrently.  The Obama administration was notorious for this . . the dems in general felt it was their right.

I know for a fact that conversation that transpired between Darrell and I , way back in 2007 were commented on by Racheal Maddow and others , i watched it. . Even John Stwert seemed to know everytime i said something uncool over the phone in a bad mood. From 20003 on, there was sort of a coded message that would be played in response to things said or written on my home computer  . . and there were plenty that GOT IT.   Its been sporadic after that, and now almost non existance and boy has that made a difference in my mentle health.

So if we were hacked,and by god knows who else . . i suspect probably CIA on and off, and people like ADL or SPL . . . mostly during the Bush years. . . . . also far left, progressives and most likely Indian activists and tribal leaders . . . if we were, and we weren’t the only ones . . . then it ‘s likely people like Trump would be too.  Now . . . it’s a scandal . . its a shock to ‘discover’ such actions. Bullshit.everyone hacks and spys on everyone.

http://www.prisonplanet.com/infowars-warned-of-government-using-microphones-to-spy-on-americans-eleven-years-ago.html

http://endoftheamericandream.com/archives/every-conspiracy-theorist-in-america-has-just-been-vindicated

March 7

Paid rent. Had quite the day with a schizophrenic client . . .They give the difficult ones to me . . .but that’s O.K. No matter what it is in my life  . . it seems like life just  gives  the diffucult ones to me.

Bought some of Darrell’s latest art works.  Ive had my head up my ass . . but head up ass or not, every once in a while it gets a Eureka moment . . .it realises where its at and how it got there and how to get out of .

I ought to buy the ‘black snake’  so far no one has.  No one is buying the prints . . . even though, you would think they would.  That’s because the black snake is THEM  . . it’s political . . and they would rather have animals or the roaring bear as a symbol of generalized rage.  Also the more emotive Darrell’s work is . . . it tends to be kind of disturbed in its technical rendering.  Also drugs . . . kind of mar what he is actually capable of .

the latest one with the two animals in a black cloud looking out on a vision of what is beautiful in nature  . . . how ever imperfect it is valuable to me. There are layers of meaning.  Instead of giving him money i will buy his originals . . . . .its a fair deal.  a good trade.

 

1-8  spy v.s. spy   . . it’s a mad world

https://jonrappoport.wordpress.com/2017/03/09/spies-tell-lies-spying-is-lying/

i really like this guy. most of the time.

 

watching Gates’s series on Africa, really interesting.  Still in Egypt.

Has Chris Mathews lost his mind?  I never have time to watch , every once in a while  but . . . asking if Trump is a Leninist because of a smile?   A Lenninist??

March 12

Adrienne did indeed pull somestrings to get a 7 day extension on Darrell’s power and arranged for him to set up a crises appointment . . in May.  So his power will remain on for a while . . still no payments however.  Donna has come back to town so now Darrell is in a good mood again . . .so now he has his pal to hang out with and that’s good.

The Co op has given me more hours with an elderly couple I cook up for and do general caretaking duties for.  JD is a craftsperson.  Her home is filled with spinning wheels, and antiques and things she has made. All her life she and her ex husband followed a Laurel’s Kitchen sort of diet . . no sugars, no fats, lots of grains and fruits.  They can climb hills better than i can by far. Have no problem with stairs or arthritis but both , in particular JD have alzhiemer’s.  JD is pretty advanced for some one in their mid 70s.   Perhaps the brain really needs those fats and sugars . . it  is, after , mostly fats.  It gives one pause . . . relections on the ironies of life . . when some one so creative can lose their faculties to such an extent .

I feel like i am in Ms. Havisham’s house.  I brought my crochetting over yesterday and took a ‘break’ , made us some tea and did a little work on a hat  hoping it would kind of rouse her a little  . . and it did. I made a huge pot of soup with barley, lentils, br rice, split peas and veggies ,  . I mean huge and when Ireturned a few hours later her husband, who lives in a cabin in the back had scarfed nearly all of it down.  it is impossible for me to understand how anyone could eat that much food . I have been told that people who do not eat much sugar of ft have to eat huge quantities of food to compensate.  . . they lassoed me into going for a walk with them and her husband was traveling at a pretty good clip, challenging the hills for a work out . . me , I lagged and wheezed, my hips were in agony after the first mile . . .so R, scarfer of huge quantities of soup shot on ahead up hill and dale and I needed to wheeze and shuffle on home.

In contrast to the legacy of the laurel’s kitchen diet, I scarfed down some homemade cookies  when i returned home. I had a sausage ( natural) and  portobella mushroom and a homemade hummas on flatbread sandwhich. Then i tossed the laundry off to the other side of the bed and made a space to lay down and fell asleep watching t.v.

3-13

Spring is in the air and the dark energy that was dragging me down hs lifted.  Darrell is in such good spirits again . . the light is in his eye this evening, the enthusiasm for projects and interaction with other artists.  I huess he met some people out on the rez who were music makers and andartists and having a good time . . he described them as really nice people.  That’s what he needed . . some friends like like, being in a circle of people who are fun , intellegent and innovative, not all fucked up or on the streets .  He was lonely .

I know how he feels.  That’s the way I used to feel when I gathered with all the artisans at chrochett corner when I sold my hats. It would fill me with enthusiam, really bring me up.   All of a sudden he is talking like the artist i used to know . . talking about trading art, trading skills, people who want to comission him to do this or that and all the projects he could do . . i have not seen this in Darrell in a long time and it is a joy.  I like to think it was my getting into action over the power  and battling the dying of the light so to speak . . . buying those laterns was perhaps symbolic as well as practical, I was trying to keep his light from going out . . .fearfull of what all that emptiness and alonness in the dark would do to his spirit . . .also, i think my buying his art work again mattered to him.  Id been ignoring it, when once i championed it. Adrienne stated that i was ridiculous.  And Darrell exploded over my nagging and pushing and swore he did not care . . . but he admitted, that it worked . . . now almost over night, Spring is here.  The birds are gathering twigs.  Camellias are starting to bloom a little,  Crocuses are springing up, and primroses.

The air smells full of earthy promise and I instinctively think of projects, of flowers to plant, of things to do.

 

March 20th

Cannot believe Trump would be so rude to Merkel.  Soon, I think, the United States will be considered so  uncivil that no one will want to come here on vacation. . . it may become  isolated .

And there seems to be the real worry about nuclear threat ,talk of pre emptive strikes in China sea.  North Korea has got some top notch scientists . . . they’re not the dummys we would like to believe they are.  All that stuff you read now and then on conspiracy pages about planned de population and the Elite creating underground cities for themselves to withstand nuclear catastrophy and rebuild ( a master society??)   . . . .thaat cold creepy chill of what if it were true . . could it really . . . starts to creep into ones thoughts.  And if there were a nuclear war . . . any kid of world war . . . .were would i want to be.  Not Texas, Phoenix, most of California . . without adequate water resources all those people would die.  And I am seriously re thinking the move to MN . . . from a catastrophy wary  frame of mind. bottom ine is I can’t trust my family based on past history . . rip everything up and put myself into their power . . . .with that long history of being thrown repeatedly in the snow bank . . . no, i will never be homeess in Minneapolis again because of petulant mommy and game playing Daddy and their silly games.  As much as i want to help my folks out in their time of need .   perhaps best to just stay where i am.

Argued with Darrell about the constant begging, the draining of all my money .  Almost shut the door on him permenently.  I really am sick of it.   From now on, People can do shit for me if they want my attention instead of the other way around.  or not.  I dont care.  I am perfectly happy by myself.

 

March 24

Not feeling as crappy as i have been this afternoon. Called in sick. As usual . . . my respitory crap . Today I rested. Watered plants. fed the birds and listened to music on Pandora  . . . so healing.  Music is Universal.  When one loves a particular piece of music one loves the totality of the soul with all its experiences , all it’s culture that created it. It is the language of love.  Too much we are tempted to think about the hate in the world. TYo ruminate on those kinds of experience instead of re centering and focusing our energy not on frustrations, but on things that make happiness and peace.  Or else our bodies or something in us MAKES that happen .

Yesterday at the D.’s place I watch J approach a deer in her abandoned garden.  The deer instinctively had no fear of her.  I photographed it.

The desolation of alzhiemers . . looking out on that abandoned garden , where her flowers and fruits used to be . . . and seeing a deer that formerly she would shoo , come to nibble without fear of her . . . like a friend . . . it was if if the deer understood her need for connection.   I gave me the idea for a short story. It was magical to watch it unfold.   I haven’t done any real writting in 20 years.

 

3-29

Only a few minutes .  I am off to work.  Guess Darrell will be staying a bit longer, his social worker has kicked into gear to keep him going here now. She thinks she can get him a spot to teach word burning . . a good idea.  Alos, he is going to put paul on his lease to lstay at his place and take care of rent when he’s gone.

I have a dislocated finger.  Hard to type. My home computer is down and there are private files there i hate to loose.  Ive been following pizza gate . . it’s NOT fake news.  I remember years and years ago when this stuff about Epstien and the Clinton came to light, implicating even people like Deshowitz ( too smart to be convicted).  I think there are “fake news’ stories that have spung up around the recent exposures . . perhaps deliberately to obcsure the mountains and ountains of evidence . . then those can be pointed at as evidence of ‘fake news’.  Heck i remember way back in the years 2000  to 2003 there were many people calling what was happening to ME as ‘demonic’ . . a younger generation does not remember that.  I certianly felt the hand of some thing quite chilling and pschopathic . . and i wrote about it too, although most of that was deleted by me simply to avoid all the fall out.  Even Darrll says yeah . . . that stuff about retraumatization to program a response ( a break down or melt down  or crazy )  It probably did happen to you .It was just a demonstration of pwoer.  To show who was god and what they could do.  i was being used to send a message, and the pschological toll was terrible.   . . a sort of experiment straight out of playbook of MKULTRA . . even back in the late 50s and early 60s there were movies being made about this sort of experimentation and retramatization . . . . . only recently however has the cabal been taken on this directly.

 

3-30

only a few minutes before work.  Everything crashing in on me . . . just when i thought we were back on a peaceful trajectory.  Dana showed up . . . and trouble and drama always follow with her like a dark cloud.  now Im totally stressed out when only minuetes before she called i was feeling pretty happy.  it is not her fault . . she got stuck and asked to crash for the night.  Seems like everything hits at once, every single person in my life fucking with me, my space, my time, my peace, my money, even my work scheduals.  No time for details.  Must do my overnight . . got to catch that bus.

 

 

 

 

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