July 2013

What a wild ride the past couple of weeks have been!!  I went to Spokane for a two and a half weeks and i record my thoughts on that later, when this computer is moved over to Darrell’s apartment.

I need to stay there for a while because my apartment that I spent the last couple of months trying to make nice is now uninhabitable.  I came back to find the bugs had not been fully eradicated and i cant sleep here untill they bring in professionals.  I returned to find Darrell’s plac a wreck and a woman in the bedroom with him. He was in sorry shape, had gone through his money and his buddies had been staying there.   If I didnt need a place to go for a while i would have turned around . But i closed the doors for a few days and nursed him back to sanity so he could keep his apartment, which he would have lost very quickly if he continued doing what he was doing. . . .the tenents here in my building are blaming Darrell and i for the bed bug spread . . saying I AM the one who is to blame and it will cost this building over a million dollars to eradicate ‘the problem’  Some of the tenents are saying Ive been 86’d but there is not notification that Im aware of . . only a complaint that Darrell had been sneaking in while i was gone and was reported.  I believe my neighbor is doing everything in her power to have me evicted.  I talked to the maintenence guy and he said that that kind of hysteria happens when there is an outbreak . . . only this has reached frightening levels.  Some people are sticking upfor me .and saying that i did everything in my power to get to the source of the problem and deal with it, that i called in maintenence team to search for possible bed bugs a month before the problem and they found nothing , not to mention 4 doctor appointments, so if it’s anyones fault it is the negligence or oversight or just plain laziness of a whole lot of people i tried to get remidy from.  I remember that way before my neighbor started having problems with roaches I saw them in the hallway and contacted maintenence at least 3 times with no result. Now they have to pay mega bucks . Now I am being scape goated in a big way.  I haven’t gotten an eviction notice . . . but I seehomeless ness ahead, or staying with Darrell . . who now has his own apartment after shitting on my space in a gottendamurung (sp?) of bugs and all kinds of painfull, hatefull, horrible , misserable stuff.  What an ending!!  It’s probably good that I came home when i did to address the fury . . and it is fury.  Jim assures me that it will all die down once the situation is taken care of.  I damn near got lynched when i went into the lunch room today.  i guess bedbugs were found on the 9th floor . . so according to my neighbor they have radiated out from my place. They all are saying the same thing . . .it was the crowd that Darrell was hanging with in cheap motels and doing crack with and who knows what else that is causing this building to be esentially condemned  and caus8ng potential dislocation of residents.

Oddly Jose is one of the people defending me.  He has been to my apartment numerous times, and recently too and tells me that my place is most certinaly not ‘dirty’ and that ANYONE can get bed bugs, from purses, casual contact and so on . . . I think they were already in the building for some time but in small numbers and when the warm weather broke they exploded.  I think too that maintenence knows more than they are letting on . . Jim as much as told me so . . .’that isn’t the case’ he said when i called him this morning with news of the collective opinion . . . perhaps they are simply keeping quiet lest the finger turn toward them.  I  think i will try to see if i can get a bed at the ywca shelter for women. I have already washed, dried and bagged all cloth items and what now remains is to wipe out, disinfect shelves and vacume and then call maintenence in the morning.

I have not relapsed over this . . stripping away of my life, it has been awfull  but i remain clean . going on 2 months now.  I brough Darrell a couple of mattresses i got at the garage sale for his place and hooked up t.v.  Despite everything I cooked up and brought over some pots and pans and stuff . . after all, I am going to have to stay there now.  I suppose the Hat LADY isa thing of the past . . maybe not.  i threw out all my yarn and ran ll my hats through the drier . some were ruined but there is  enough to continue with.  Ill collect the birds form Jose too.

Despite my cynicism about the israeli lobby and their tactics, i judge people individually.  Jose is a religious jew and one of the people i like to converse with best . . there is something there . Some thought going on there.  .and its not hysteria or mentle illness. I trust him absolutely with my birds . . but he has them on a coffee table or foot stool at  his place, although very elegant is a bit dark compared to my light and airy one( I call it hillbilly comfy)  and he likes to handle the birds andeven though he’s not terrorizing them . still its like the big hand from above . . Ill get them over to Darrell’s and hang them up high . .it’s kind of dark in Darrell’s place too though.  Oh my nest . . . of the last 11 years you sheltered life and artwork . .the many, many meals . . . and were destroyed . . my nest . . I neve had a chanch in the past 10 years (except for the first 4 months ) to call my space entirely my own . . . never will I have the oppurtunity to live my own life, the way I would like . . neverwill i EVER have the boundaries i need for sane living. Always someone running my life, using it, spying on in,

When word gets out about what really happened . . . Darrells reputation as helpless victim will no longer be untarnished and attitude towards the street people will get much, much worse . . especially if the story that comes out is that Darrell did all this deliberatly to ruin my world as he exited it . . revenge for the prejudice he felt he ( and I) were subjected to over the years . . . the way he was slectively banned for 10 years while others here engaged in drinking and drug activities without trouble. But then again . . i remember him saying in Minneapolis, when he was drinking . . I am going to destroy you . . . and your world. I know . . I know . . I invited him to live on me . . . the problem is Karen’s absolute lack of boundaries, inability to know them much less set them.

(later) I have hauled out tons of stuff today, including my big stuffed recliner.  all foods, unessential papers and crap. seems like all i have done the past couple of months is clean . . but today was different. Its stripped down to essentials andit feels like taking out all the mentle garbage.  I don’t feel bad now. These things can seem like tragedies, or injustices but perhaps it is a new beginning . . an a new way of seeing.  I am seeing how my own essential spirit got lost as i toss all this stuff out . . .I stopped buying valuable things for myself a while ago with few exceptions. I held on to a lot of crap and let it accumulate.  perhaps i really could not see, despite all the complaining i did, how really bad things had become, . . . so, i will see this as growth rather than a death of sorts . . . perhaps it is only the death of a desperate attempt to hold on to an illusion.  I can always get more music . . .there’s  always the internet, my stuff is soooo dated anyway as are my precious books.

If I handle all this with good sense i can still pull my life together.  it would be nice to be able to study in the quiet of my own place and get the job training skills I so want to persue . . I can still fight . . it wont be friendly  around here . . .  but has it ever been?

Wednesday

My place has been inspected by the bio team and is now prepped and ready to go for what ever they plan to do.  All i have to do is pick up the computer.

All fury has abated and scapegoating ended, pretty much.  I have not been evicted and this morning down in the lunch room I had fun with a few people joking about our upbringing . . I haven’t laughed so hard since i don’t know.  Things are going O.K. now.  A few more days at Darrells and then I can start

fixing up my apartment again, stripped of cable t.v., computer, plants and birds . . . I will get an queen air mattress and plastic covering for it untill i can afford a brand new bed.

Monday July 29th

Writting from Darrell’s place .Birds are here now and happy as can be.  Computer is set up.

ive been hanging out here and truthfully its been peacefull. Restfull even. I am so bone tired that I feel like I never really wake up.  Darrell is not drinking and seems content to watch t.v. and fix his house.  He too is bone tired. pschologically, emotionally,physically.

The Lion sleeps tonight

  So we sleep. and we sleep and make no apologies for all this sleeping. It is time now to sleep.Ive been reading ‘Life of Pi.’  When i have the strenghth to lift the book.  What a fun adventure that book has been.   As I sleep away my time here on this  life raft with my Big, dangerous tiger , testing out territorial boundaries and alpha omega relationships . . . i feel a kinship with PI and his tiger adrift.  I am the Omega here.  Darrell takes the one lazy boy and i thow sleeping bags on the floor and rub his feet,.  Grooming the dominent male for acceptance and protection.  A lot of grooming . . .  like non stop foot and leg rubs.  We drowse adrift . . . . surviving.

No angry people here.  No judgements. No  . . just a few plants, the relaxation of cooking, reading, watching t.v. or scouring the internet.  Im too tired to excersise.  Too tired to lift a leg or arm.  I accept what ever changes life brings. I do not rage or grieve or react in stunned disbelief at what has transpired. I do not stay in pain.   I am glad i have a place to stay at . . Darrell did not turn orge on me and forget me when he got his place.  His pschological health is so improved its a miracle.  He is again the Darrell i remember . . . taking charge of his life again. and Happy.  happier than I have seen him in a long, long time.

 

Tues July 30

I am in a lot of pain in my chest and throat. Asthma has turned into bronchiall distress and I am on my way into a major chest cold. It is absolute agony to cough, to breathe.  It’s not safe at my place if I have breathing problems because of the chemical treatment but there appears to be something in Darrell’s vicinity tha i am highly allegic to . . . perhaps all the elm trees outside his windows. No desire under these Elms . . just attends, kleenix,, laragengitis, painfull raspy deep coughing.  Lucky I am going to the doctor again this afternoon . . . I get this stuff frequently, one of these times it will finish me off . . .its my destiny eventually.

Wednesday August 31, 2013
“The prosecution denounced Manning as a “traitor” and charged him with aiding Al Qaeda and carrying out espionage even though there were no allegations that he handed over information to any foreign government or terrorist organization. Instead, in a sinister and unprecedented attempt to make the revealing of government secrets potentially a capital crime and undermine First Amendment guarantees of speech and press freedom, the government argued that any leaking of classified information constituted espionage because the information could be accessed by those deemed to be enemies.

As the government well knows, the “enemy” for whose benefit Manning courageously exposed proof of US war crimes in Iraq and Afghanistan, was the American people.” WSWS