November 2016

4 11 2016

My boss asked me if i wanted to work full time. She says i am doing an awesome job. Did you here that? Awesome.
I have some big decisions to make.
She was amazed that i got the new client into the shower this morning. She’d refused to shower for 3 days. shoot, handling her was a breeze. I cut my teeth throwing drunks into the shower . . . all that experience was prelude to a higher purpose it seems. he he

Nov 7

Made a turkey yesterday.  Tonight we feast.  Left overs for thanksgiving . . or a community dinner somewhere.

I am made happy by the way that Darrell has stepped up to the plate and put the nessesary work into his place and car. I asked him to film it to thwart any further threats against me if I hae him over to visit. that way their is documentation that can legally used.    i feel confident enough to have him over to watch the game .

I have some big decisions to make regarding my parents right now.  We are in agreement that I will come back to St. Cloud to help them out.  I was in an escapist frame of mind, very hurt and confused and retraumatized when i started getting threats that threatened to bring down my world up here . . . but now that that is under controll ,running back to St. Cloud seems so utterly depressing.  My folks would try to dominate my choices and lifestyle the way they always have . . and not complying could end of with me being totally alienated . . which has been the pattern in the past.  I would not have been so alienated in Minneapolis if it were not for this pattern.  The reasons for going back have to do with my mother’s failing health and my fathers inablity to bring in outside help of make lifestyle changes.  Darrell is moving to Standing Rock soon and i do not know if this will be permanent or if he intends to get new housing up here.  he talks of getting a house in Mc Laughlin.  I do not know the attitude of his people towards me right now, if they even have an attitude one way or th other right now.  Certianly I have been cast as a person who brought negative controversy on the peoples.  My blogging about my life over the years bothered some people and there were extreme actions to silence or discredit what i described.  Most people in America have bought into the false story . . .and are unwilling to change their attitudes which became pretty hatefull at times.  It was orchestrated hate.  Not EVERYONE hates Karen.  The media does and they want to believe everyone else does too.  Only weaker minds.  people outside the mainstream influences close to the situation over the years were more objective.

All that aside . . . . there is an admirable coming together transpiring on Darrell’s rez right now that has the gaze of the world on it.  i do not want to distract or cast a shadow on this so im not going to go into the ‘conspiracy’ stuff, the ‘what went down’ or ‘lets finish the job stuff’ . . . .thats just focused malicious or scapegoating energy.  Free floating evil.  It is a seperate issue.  The stuff that is going on in Standing Rock now arises from a much more concious place.  At any rate . . . i do not know the attitude right now and wether it would be advisable to plan on going with Darrell.  or wether I would be happy.  So what would make me happy?  Could i be happy here if i continue to live here.  Could i find some happiness in Minnesota near my folks, helping out their time of need.

There much going through my mind about national politics right now. Its come as a surprise to the establishment that the patriot movement and the alt. right as it’s called got so big and powerfull . . that someone like Alex Jones could actually come so close to upsetting the status qou.  Trump actually has a chanch of winning.  It remains to be seen.

Wed November 9

It’s Trump day! It was fun to watch the reactions of MSNBC. At least for me.  God bless the Bullshitting media for never understanding anything . . and thinking if they just bullshit a little more . . . . they didnt HAVE to cover the email protocol non-scandal 24 hours a day, 7 days a week . . . or force Bernie out of the race.  Now theres a rush on Canadian immigration sites . . so many people threatening immigration because they are afraid, because they couldn’t have their way . It takes a long time to get through the immigration process into Canada.  After all the open borders controversy . Now they want to flee the mess they created that created a Trump reaction. Interesting.  I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind right now . . . but they will keep untill later.

Thursday

Massive protests going on here in Bellingham . . for 2 days now.  Crazy energy exploding everwhere.  Paranoia rampant. One lady was trying to tell me it was going to be Hitler’s Germany all over again.  martial law. suspention of rights and liberties. Then KrystalNacht, then the invasion of Canada (like Poland)then you what what follows.

why, i asked would Tump want to invade Canada.  Livingspace was her answer. right.  Sure.some of these idiots  watch the Hitler channel ( I mean the history channel) and learn a few big words  liebenstaum  and kristalnacht or Riechstag  and they think they  are authorities.  it’s laughable.  There’s livingspace here . . .Canada is part of the British commenwealth. That would be suicide. That’s just stupid.

Well there very well might be a round up of ‘undesirables’ so to speak . . and I can see the glum expression on the street peoples who had such a hey day here 10 years ago that they KNOW the fun times are over, glum expressions on a lot of Mexicans, a lot of people period . . .but there will be no second holocaust of the Jews here that’s for sure. they have a powerfull country  now and any real threat of that would be dealt with swiftly.  yeah the craziness is starting . . . as i walked downtown, I watched the protestors and they seemed to me to be highschoolers.  These aren’t the well schooled in guerrilla thought lefties i saw protesting in Madison, or the anarchists of Eugene. They are kids.  One dude got all nuts as  they passed and did the nazi salute and all kinds of crazy shit.  it’s bat shit crazy out there.  here too in the one sanctuary I have . . .continue to be hassled despite best efforts, never good enough.  They continue to blame Darrell and i.

Friday

battling depression today over a number of things.  I just re read my journals of may and June 2013 and looked at the pictures inserted of massive bed bug bites that no one seemed to be able identify, treat or diagnose untill the case becam catestrophic. No wonder any re creation of that creates deep despair, PTSD.  It was horrible.  How many times did i have the maintenance staff over in May-June 2013  before they finally diagnosised it??  Back then ther WAS a connection between Darrell’s street life, and time with the girls of the streets and what transfered to me . . . that has reoccured, less catastophically several times since then.  So there is nothing wrong with me for getting upset when the same energy plays out again.

I just cried and cried today as it all came back.

26th

Darrell planning to hit the road around the 1st.  The reality sets in.  Bed bugs fade into unimportance and all the confused reactions in relation to housing and darrell and all that traumatic stuff from the past.

Sunday night there was a major confrontation on his rez.  Water cannons , percussion grenades, rubber bullets turned on the Water protectors.  Shocked.  Could not understand why the media black out.  have been searching the internet the past few days and it seems there WAS a militant camp that was doing some stuff the tribe didn’t like. The strategy is to keep it non violent.  So i guess they have been asked to leave after this incident Sunday.  Looks like the environmental radicals have moved in, and th Sanders people are trying to direct the narrative . . i might be wrong.  Darrell says it’s time to step in now . . .set it straight, fight for his family.  This is affecting me too . . . I know some of his family members, i have, for better or worse been imersed in this story too.  Darrell would like me to come and photograph things.  Im not sure of my feelings right now . . . .Im wondering now if this is yet another Soros planned conflict (partly)and if he really is as bad as th alt right says he is.  Looks like Soros  likes to play God for the power of it, and his own gain, and the philanthropic donations are not as noble as they seem. They are going to take him down soon if what Im seeing across the internet is correct. Also it looks like donations from Green energy and the rail industry to this protest have been substantial . . .but  I don’t have a problem with that.  Darrell tells me the inside dirt on the money stuff. What he knows of it.   so which side am I on . . any? neither? Just an observer?  Am i ready to be injured, even killed, to give up everything to be on the lines if I am not wanted there?Wanted off the stage?   I did once but i am no longer Eugene Karen . . . or am I.

Going back with Darrell could  help set things right, give us back controll of the personal narrative about ourselves  instead of letting the Bernie people  demonize Karen to those people who might actually accept me.

Big decisions to make.  When Darrell goes, i may not see him again . . . he could be killed, or injured or develop pnuemonia . . but then, he has family.  Practically everyone in this fight is related to him.  Perhaps it best to let him finally fight for his own family after all these years, and take the role he has been ment for with out interfering.  I must accept, what ever is my fate, whatever is dealt me, like a strong adult.

(later) researching.  could not sleep.  The more i read and watch, the more i am convinced of the imorality . . .and cruelty of what is going on in Standing Rock.  I have heard thaat some kind of massive microwave type equipment was seen there . . . which basically cooks the fluids in body cells when a person is targeted, making them feel as if they are burning.  Can this be true?  Are they testing this stuff out??

Ward churchhill believes they will try to lquidate that tribe. That’s  Darrell’s family,his descendants, many of them.  Darrell is one of few full bloods still around . . . a descendent of chief Gall.    Others are saying that they will not compromise with the army corp of engineers order to disperse before the 5th.

I guess they are having a hard time reporting live from there.  So i will continue to post videos and try to inform people.  That’s the best thing i can do for now.  I might be most helpfull as back up from Bellingham when Darrell hits the road.  I can send money.  of course i could make money in St. Cloud too . . . that’s not far from Standing Rock.  probably more, if my folks will help me , and if the establishment , and others, leave me the fuck alone for a change.  Even if they don’t . . what am i made of if I can’t do what I believe is a moral imperative because i am cowed by imminent establishment charecter attacks, family ties . . . .I owe my aged parents freedom from strife . . . but no one else in St. Cloud.  That means leave my little sanctuary here . . . .and how i love my nest, poor thing that it is,  but even that has been no refuge, no sanctuary over the years . . surviellence and what amounts to pschological tourture via media . . no real privacy, hassled non stop over nothing . . . Darrell and i were hassled to the point of madness ( it WASN’T my fault, i protected him)   . . . would traveling with Darrell be wasted effort . . . only to be dispersed.  Darrell NEEDS to go now . . .straighten things out as he understands it.  If i go to St. Cloud will he bring battle to St. Cloud?  that’s MY folks Im thinking of. Would i be putting myself in position to be catalyst for that?

No one can understand what i have been going through.  They cannot imagian, as i review our history together and what future is ahead.

Sunday

Yesterday’s distress is not so overwhlemingthis morning.  Foggy and calm.  Feist playing as i prepare for breakfast.  Had Darrell over forbreakfast and dinner. Pissed him off because i got all weepy. he called me a coward for my doubts.  But i believe he understood what i was going through, what i was getting at.  Got in a swim and that made me feel better.  feel bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning, at peace, almost serene and looking forward to life for the first time in months.  Waiting for a call from Dad to see what he is willing to do if i go to St. Cloud.  Not drinking anymore . . maybe that’s why my emotions are spilling all over . . . . . if Dad says O>K then i may take the train to St. Cloud and set up.  It depends too on Darrell’s deicsions. Wether he still plans to take his truck over all the trecherous mountain terrian this time of year.  I know he wants help driving . . .but he could roundup someone for the trip.

Tuesday 30th

Most people advising me to stay put, to use my brain creatively from here rather than adding more bodies in North Dkota.  The Feds have said they will not enforce the tresspass order so the weight will be on the state, and energy Transfer goons.  Smart.  Darrell and i spent some rewarding time together the past couple of days. yesterday I brought over a bunch of groceries and he was delighted, as if he were planning on hanging on to his place . . then he talks about closing it all out and going back to get a house and part of the tribal money hehas been missing out on.  He wants to settle down after the fray, close to family.  t’s been his dream. He would like me there too, or near, like in St. Cloud.  Still have to talk to my Dad.  with all the ice and now 13 inches of snow on the praries I do not trust driving . . but i fear Darrell trying to do this alone.

Meanwhile, I’ve been caught up in Magnificent Century, kind of a Turkish soap opera set in the palace of the ottoman empires in the 16th century.  All kinds of harem intrique .  It’s  pretty romanticised , all these charecters think about is love, but they never have a practical, normal  conversation when they are with the person they desire.  Women who have pining away for th sultans attentions throw themselves emotionally at him when they are finally admitted to his chamber which, if i were a man, I would find  extremely annoying andd tiresome.  Does anyone ever ask how was your day? How  are you?

Turkey is a patriarchial society still and i believe their Muslim censorship laws make sexual explicit material prohibited ( I might be wrong) so this makes for a strange telling of harm life . . which is in reality all about sexuality and not romanticised love. A soap opera about the harem where the charecters cannot be sexualy explicit and only talk about love. . . . wow.  It’s a strange world these charecter inhabit . . . they must have found something to occupy thier time besides plotting, making themselves beautifull and hoping that the Sultan will call them to his private chamber.  I wonder what they really did.  when i look at pics on the internet they look like they are having a pretty good time,and the dress is more exotic( to use a western fascination ) than the diaphonous gowns depicted in the show.  It might not have been such a bad life.  The food was good. So was the medicine.   The hygiene was too compared to the lives of European women. And they got to socialize among themselves . . didn’t have to work hard. maybe, not so bad. But I suppose there’s the question of doing somethng meaningfull in the larger world . . .but that’s a western womans thinking.  Perhaps it would be sort of like living on Welfare with better clothes . . .except, you had to stay home. Hmmm . . . no t.v. . . .

(later) well, there’s always camp clean up . . . somebodys gotta do it when it fills up with trash and the hippies move on.  if we do go, by time we get there it will be time to pick up trash and do latrine duties.

That actually might be of more benifit to the tribe than a heroic stand on the 5th.





October 2016-

4 10 2016

Feeling down. Frumpy. Like nothing i do can ever make me feel young and some what attractive ever again. such thoughts make me want to go get some beer. This always makes a person more attractive. Or at least . . . it doesn’t matter quite so painfully for a while. Took Darrell shopping this morning intending to look for some good shoes for myself and maybe a warm shirt for him. We stopped at Freddys first and although my heart was set on some trim ankle boots i could not find anything to fit. My feet are funny. They are not trim ankle boot feet. They used to be cute, with little flipper toes . . . and it wasn’t really that long ago that i would flap my little flipper toes , my high arched feet next to Darrells flat feet and toes that were long and jointed as cameleon toes. Now my my feet were wide. Really wide. My big toes turned inwards creating big knots on either side of my toes. Bunions I believe they are called. My feet turn inward. Nothing fits. Absolutely nothing. Darrell however found a nice trim pair of hiking boots. I saw that pleading excitement when he presented them to me. that eagerness to shed to made to order diabetic footwear that spelled out age and disability, that looked like big flat flippers. of course I consented. I can tell when something really matters . . .that special apparrell.
Me, i could find nothing. No darling boots would fit my misshapen, old feet. Either my arch was too high or my foot too wide or those knobs got in
the way. So we took off in search of other shoe stores. Darrell was extraordinarily patient as we went from place to place. his joy at new boots utterly transformed his usual crabby reluctance to shop with me. Like the ugly stepsisters i tried to shove my foot into every boot he offered. And like an ugly stepsister I could not and finnaly had to resign myself to a frumpy pair of moccosins. The only thing that fit.
Now i am depressed. Chief has regained a more youthfull step out of this paycheck of mine . . and I , the frumpy moccosin wearer feel like that is apt metiphor. I am the frumpy moccosin wearer. it is the only shoe that fits. I have become . . not the dancer of my youth, the runner of my young adulthood . . but , when all is settled, only the frumpy moccosin wearer.

October 16

I promised Darrell that i would make up cards, prints and even tees out of his latest colored pencil drawing, still unfinished.  it’s a serious warrior portait.  It would make a good logo for the movement in Standing Rock.  It would sell like crazy.  The good news is that he went to work on it last night to finish it up.   So I will photograph it today, take it over to Kinkos to have it digitalized and make up a print order for the 20th, when I get a draw.  Also make up the tee shirt order and have it ready for action on the 20th.  I can only do a few tee shirts to start. However i can put it up on his websites and get the pay pal set up and start the P>R and taking informal orders.

Just when despair seems its darkest a eureka plan unfolds.  I do not know if Darrell plans on adding any script “I stand with Standing Rock” . . . he’s the artist. Either way, his signature on these timely items will gaurantee they are a hit when he gets to south Dakota.  That is one way i can help him, gain back my losses,without jepordizing my job or housing because of other recent problems.  eureka!!

October 20th

Happy day.  I found my boots, at last.  I got a decent pair of 8 bucks at a second hand store.  Now Im winterized. Well . . . I still need to get a pair of cold weather boots but there is some time.  Feeling good the past few days.  Keeping up with my swimming and staying sober.  collecting all kinds of local squashs, pumpkins, caulifleur, apples, beets ,carrots and walnuts.  tommarrow ill make some good soups, some borscht,

pare and freeze apples for pies and the rest for juice.  Quite happy with life today, Im managing every challenge that gets thrown my way and keeping everything afloat.

Thursday 27

Getting threatened again over Darrell. Now its . ..don’t bring your boyfriend into your home or visit or ride in his car you will be evicted with a 14 day notice.  I actually made it 6 months without being threatened by white paranoia . . . but now its ON again.  Trying to figure out a way to cope with this . . for now, Darrell is staying away .  He needs to pass his inspections and do more to deal with his problem .  hes working on it, but not intensive enough.  But this means that if we are seen riding  in his car together . . . the potential for someone making trouble for me is there. And there is a new lady exterminator hired on by BHA forcing these issues.  I got to wonder what would attract a woman to that profession.  I suppose all those hidden messages in commercials with exterminator themes over the years really got to a few souls with issues . . inspired them to mission.  Good work.

thursday (later) Chief took the car in for another break job.  This time the front breaks.  Holy cow that adds up to a lot of money.  he asked me for a postdated check but i said no, i payed for the back breaks and i need to pay for my parents meals on wheels, i can’t put it off.  i did however put gas in his car.  Drank a few beers last night in the comfot of my living room, but only a few so Im not in downward spiral. Watched the Pyramid code series last night night and it was the most awe inspiring, thought provoking series i have seen in ages.  Just when i despair of the human spirit and start to feel unjustly persecuted . . .I learn of the golden ages, the procession and how ancient cultures long, long ago had an understanding of this that leaves our present day conciousness in shame. Everything goes back to Egypt.  Everything.

so that is one good thing that elevated me out of my funk.  I went to the old town cafe and treated myself to breakfast this morning and that was a real treat.  it’s kind of a informal community hub, with local art and music and great selection of hot sauces.  I read an article by Bernie Sanders and he convinced me that globalist or not, organized crime type or not, despite the kill list, and so many other  things, Hillary can still do some good things for the country.  She did, after all, really try to reform health care back in the 90s.  i take back my skepticism about Bernie, he made a good arguement about why Trump will not be good fore business.After all, Trumps own businesses are outsourced .

I may or may not be targeted by bias and perhaps racisim in this community again regarding Darrell.  Certianly I am sensing resurgent jelousy, perhaps some paranoia,and some bullying . . some WE stuff again . . . we decide this, WE decide that, comply or get out , get out . . . . but it’s not everybody.  All i have to do is get out in the community a little to see that . . . but it’s enough to create emotional distress for me.  Darrell had been coming over a lot lately, a lot. perhaps we need a little time out and need to take care of out own crap.  There’s been some unhealthy game playing going on . . . Im not going to vent all over the place and become an emotional yo yo the way he, and others would like.  Im going to keep my job and my housing.  if Darrell threatens this in any way he needs to stay home.

I keep thinking he is lonely over there and i am doing him a favor by having him over to watch football.  But  perhaps he has to deal with the consequences of his choices or change them.  Just as i do.  i feel like running away everytime i get threatened by people who hold my security in the palm of their hand, wether it is job or housing or what ever   . .because i have been so overwhelmed by this in the past, it triggers all those memories . . . but Im doing good now.  Im not going to defy authority for Darrell’s sake any more . . in the past , it WAS racisim . . and i was in the right to defy community persecution by some unbalenced or downright hatefull people.  But he is  not helpless right now, or innocent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





September 1 2016

2 09 2016

At work. Very tired. The videos of the protest in Standing Rock keep pouring in.
Meanwhile, Darrell and I try out the new shocks on his car and do the casino. We breakfasted in Lynden this morning,among the bountifull and enormous hanging flowers . Later we treated ourselves to pasteries at the Lynden Dutch Bakery. This Standing Rock Hunkpapa was like a little kid when he saw those pasteries. So we treated in this Dutch themed town, among blond ladies with bob hair cuts and guys that look like they were straight out of a Van Gough painting. They cast startled side long looks at us. I don’t think they were accostumed to seing big, Sioux indians here, among the bountifull and enormous hanging flowers and the store fronts that try to look like Amsterdam. I am too damn tired to write anything more than we had a delightful day and Darrell is going out of his way to be sweet, here among the bountiful and enormous hanging flowers of Lynden. Far away from the protests in Standing Rock. But in his own way , he is making a statement too.

 

14064175_10206933402028852_8574027440757061057_n

Friday , Sept 2, 2016

Pay day. Darrell picked me up and once again we went to the Casino. he had his arm around me as we went in, sending a message.   he used up his money while i breakfasted . . and once again we seemed to be skewed in our attempts to co ordinate doing something together. We couldn’t find each other.  i had planned on giving him some play money but found him in the car after a search. From there we went to Walmart, the only place that carries sweats and active wear for larger people that isn’t unaffordable.  As much as i avoid Walmart, every fall we feel compelled to get our fall basics there.  if other stores carried clothes that reflected the degree of overweight people here in the U.S perhaps we wouldn’t have to shop there.  There Darrell wanted breakfast at Mc Donalds . . for both of us. There at Walmart it seemed we regained in tandem. I bought him a huge assortment of colored pencils and a good pencil sharpener and his eyes lit up again, also a belt and a light weight jacket . . one size smaller than we needed but at least wearable.  I left him with re charged phones, a few groceries, a tank full of gas and 90 bucks.  he spent a lot on fixing up his car , his pride and joy.  so now we each capitulated a little to each others tastes and did some things together again. I don’t mind spending money, nuturing and treating . . . and the art supplies excite his creativity again, and that’s his ticket to respect, I just dont like to feel taken advantage of so i made it clear that i WOULD NOT OVERDRAFT   to buy his weed. that adds up fast.  so today was feast after famine and the world was green was long anticapated rains.  it was good to do the casino(even if it is a waste) and drive around and shop a little. Once i understood the importance of nuturing  . . . the special treats of new clothes, art supplies and things  . The good side of me, not the side that sees resentment in everything.

Then, while i was in the check out line, glad that we were feeling safe and warm and in /tandem again . . i got a phone call telling me one of my co workers had been in a fatal car wreck. Just when you begin to feel that there is a spiritual pattern . . .a sort of recepocity, a meaning . . some meaningless thing happens, some random, senseless thing . . . and this was a co worker who had done me a kindness, who had been generous to me by giving me  a tablet, with nothing asked in return . . because i worried about Darrell not having any internet or cable. Sometimes a spontanious act of generosity with no strings attached  can shatter a person who has grown defenses against unkindness , dissa pointment , or worse.  I remember when i was a teenager i was at a journalism  and a teacher i really liked handed me a balloon and said “This is from me to you” . There was nothing premeditated about it, it was just a spontanious action of generosity.  i remember my eyes filled up with tears of emotion . . . a friend sitting next to me remarked: “It’s just a balloon.”

Perhaps that’s a faliure of the Journalistic mind.  they forgot the Red balloon. That tablet was not just  tablet.  It was the gesture that got to me.  that got through to me.  And now when i was feeling generous . . and no strings attached, just because some one needed something . . and that money was only money . . . i hear that the person who had gotten to me, a very loving and genuinely good person who greived a lot over the passing of a client long under her care . . . in a sudden moment of senselessness was no more. questions haunt my thoughts . . .what did she feel those moments before.

Did  everthing, life flash before her.  Was it sudden?  it is so disrespectfull to wonder . . . I am distraught.  . . . some times small thing can influence others .  She was so devoted to christian principals . . in the right way . . . .how can she know that she influenced me, and the people close tome?jennifer

9-6-16 Tuesday

Just got off on overnight ‘babysitting’ shift at the hospital with a client who needed nursing care.  We aren’t insured over there so we aren’t allowed to assist . Only offer personal care tips and info for the nurses to help them, keep an eye on monitors , and to alert nurses  when the client needs attention.  I took the oppurtunity to watch the nurses carefully and to see how smoothly they took care of his comfort needs, their level of professionalism and bedside manner.  i want to get to that point, where i feel confident and know exactly what needs to be done, exactl;y how to interact.

I have a lot of admiration for the ladies doing this . . . .they really have it down. What they do isn’t that much more complicated than what we do . . . it’s within range if i want to continue my classes.  But i have a long way to go.  I have developed asocial traits since my Minneapolis days.  I have to re learn natural caring . I just don’t call people sweet heart and pet them or caress them much . . just Darrell.  I never had kids . . there’s some pieces missing when it comes to all the right instincts.   I was encouraged that my client recognized me and spoke to me. I must be doing all right.  Or if I am not . . i haven’t heard about it personally.

Saturday

Market day.  Personal differances between Darrell and i seem to have evaporated. We follow and discuss the protests in Stnading Rock daily.

Darrell posted yesterday that he needs some financial help to get to Standing Rock to be a part of what may turn into a siege.  Even though the pipeline has been halted for now it could still escalate.

i thought the way the gathering handled the bulldozers and attack dogs was admirable. They are doing everything right, holding the moral high ground.

Sunday

Studying today for my State test.  Tired.  Many thoughts and buried emotions . memories resurfacing all of a sudden. I could write a book.

Thursday Sept 15,2016

Downtime at work. Tired. Too tired to write much.  Passed the test.  Feeling down all of a sudden.  Darrell picked me up after testing and we went to Lummi tohelp his friends haul water.  They live in a trailer in the woods without running water.  All the pups came out to greet me. Pit bulls bred for sale. They are gettin big.  One of them , Diesel, was stolden some time ago and the owner had been heartbroken.  Diesel was her favorite, unlike the other brown colored pups, Diesel was white with black spots.

Diesel was back now .  The owner had run into a man who said he was walking the dog for a friend and denied that the dog was stolden.  But Diesel knew his real owner and she got him back.   Apparently it was not a happy reunion.  Diesel’s  mother and his littermates attacked him and repeatedly ganged up on him when he returned so he has taken to keeping himself seperate.  He is a big boy, bigger than the others,he just doesn’t realize it yet.  He had such a sad look in his eye . Just like people, I thought, identifying with him. Just like people.  I watched the pack of dogs do their group thing and big old Diesel hanging out in the chair, not mingling,keeping seperate and looking sad and all I could think was how much I saw myself in that rez dog.  So similar to my own experience out here.

Just like people.

Amy Goodman talking about intimidation in Standing Rock, how reporters are being kept from telling their story.  I seem to remember a time, not so long ago when the left was doing everything in its power to keep me from telling my story, and much of it very different from the way it finally came out via the media and is currently understood.  Where were these ideas about freedom of speech then??

I have a lot of thoughts on teh developing situation in Standing Rock.  We discuss it a lot.  People don’t know what they are dealing with.  and Trump of all people, if he gets elected, may very well have to deal with an Indian war and of all people, he is the least equipt to understand and deal with it. both Hillary and Trump have a lot invested in that pipeline.  either way, the next president is going to have one hell of a situation to deal with in the time to come.  Darrell getting ready to take up the bow and arrow.  My time with him now is secretly solemn, when i think that i may never see him again . . something i swore i wished for everytime we had an arguement . . .he could be jailed, imprisoned, even killed if things heat up.  There’s things here i best not get into . . . .only that few people really get the full picture.

 

Monday

Shootings in St. Cloud.  somalian man, perhaps an Islamic soldier, stabbed 9 people.  2 people are dead but it’s not being reported.  I’ve been reading the commentaries.  I’ve seen the tensions rise between ‘old St.Cloud’ and the large Somalian population during my visits there over the past few years.  Every time I’ve commented on it, no matter how nuetral there is some kind of ‘media thing’ as i call it denouncing me as some kind of neo nazi or something. I’ve been cynical about all the resettlement into MN over the decades.  I was in Minneapolis in the 90s and saw a lot of stuff first hand . . including the hostility toward white Minnesotians, especially ‘White Cloud.’  some bellieve that what happened to me was in part, part of this hostility . . . it was what i represented.  Then the media,especially the left, but exclusively   spent 10 years trying to cover it up (and bragged about it) trying to do damage controll.  i believe they did not do damage controll but created a shit storm of damage, acutally fostered hate and aggression.  for example they sought to sell the idea to a ruffled St. Cloud that i was being shamed and punished for deplorable behavior and or attitudes . . . this was accepted and taken up with a fury tht scarred me for the rest of my life.  it got down right frightening . . i experienced a lot of fury at the hands of some white women, some very hurtfull stuff . . . and the men too, who embraced a ‘deserved’ rape fantasy gone viral.  But that was then. the point being that St. cloud has been a hotspot for some time . . . .with a lot of people watching it, and trying to shape attitudes ( fox and msnbc) . Now the situation is out in the open . . . and plenty of people are commenting in no uncertain terms .

the reesttlement of refugees and the active recruitment of people from Chicago into low income housing up in St. cloud has really changed the climate of the town I once lived in.  The residents complaining of tax burden and the host of problems that have arrived have some legitimate complaints.  I know too well the real malice that DOES exist towards them.  i also know the hatefullness and intollerence and down right cruelty that St. Cloud white people can show towards anyone who is different.  They too have expressed a level of malice.

My head was running in circles when i heard about this on the news.  I knew shit would hit the fan.  I wondered if the right could have orchestrated this  . . a sort of black ops to push the elctorate into Trumps camp.  I wondered about a whole lot of things . . . including my last visit back to St. Cloud with Darrell. something I have not written at lenghth about.  We were in and out before anyone really knew we were there . . yet even as Darrell’s truck was pulling out there was some one following us.  A war could have started very easily and there were those on both sides who were itching for it.  People on both sides sitting on their guns.  thankfully my parents were naturally gracious, no matter what they may have felt, and welcoming towards Darrell . . which took him aback.  They were nicer to him than he was towards them.  it was very stressfull to me.  they even had a place set out for him at the breakfast table in the morning . . which took him aback.  And my mother was awesome the way she related to Darrell,not with any fear or snobbery only concern that he was so tired.  I made a trip to the post office and encountered some attitude the next day . I thought to myself, St. Cloud people aren’t very nice . . but then again, when i went into some grocery stores i encountered such humility and salt of the earth warmth and helpfullness.

Later I encountered bragging out here in WA about how Darrell had ‘counted coup’ on . . . the enimy. (My elderly parents?) Those supremicists!!  I don’t believe Darrell was trying to count coup in St. Cloud . . how ever eager many were to see that in it . . and truthfully if encouraged, he WILL adopt that role among people like that . . . .he was, as far as i could see, trying to make a peace offering, a reconcilliation . . and it wasn’t easy for him to put himself there. Fox news too I noted later tried to make it sound like we had done something provocative . . . what a piece I shit i was!!  The truth was . . . I helped Darrell out with gas and he went out of his way to bring me all the way up to St. Cloud.  But something could have easily happened.  War could have bust out if say, some good old boy with a chip on his shoulders towards darrell or I had done something .  if we had stuck around too long.

All this was running through my mind as i listened to the reports and thought about how we had avoided war, conflict . . . how the stand with Standing Rocks crowds avoided conflict, did not let war erupt . . . and here was war erupting anyway after all this restraint . . . . now, all the issues about St. Cloud as a focal point over the decades will be out in the open.  it’s not just what karen had to say about it .

there’s always some one that ruins things.  I have had my opinions about policy in St. Cloud over the decades, my opinions about policy in Minneapolis . . and not all of it very popular.  I bet some of those kids who made fun of me when i was so traumatized at Madison and cheered on malicious actions were at that mall when the attack occured.

it’s going to get worse before it gets better.  Trump might very well get into office on this . . . the democrats policy in MN has created such animosity among lots of people and this will bring it to a boiling point.  They feel shit on.  That they are hard working people whose way of life is being drained for supposed altruism, and the question now is was the intent really altruistic??

I reprint an article, about the somlian experience of St. Cloud.

 

http://www.citypages.com/news/st-cloud-is-the-worst-place-in-minnesota-to-be-somali-7976833

 

Thursday

At work.  A little down time.  Seems like everything broke down this week.  The brakes went out on Darrell’s car. I stepped on my glasses. The bed bugs got aggressive. The vacuum cleaner belt bust.   I had no bike.  Yesterday i took out a large draw and we fixed things up. I shelled out about 330 for his breaks. He looked so mournful.  Like all his joy had been taken .. .i figured the cash was my contribution to the I stand with StandingRock.  Managed take an eye exam and get some glasses, buy a bike, buy a vac belt, buy a new bed frame and good mattress protectors , threw out a mattress and got new bedding.  so now we are mobile again, we can see and sleep .  We had a good dinner.  I made my famous Shepard’s pie  . . . or as Darrell likes to call it … my German Shepard pie.  A good day.  I got in a swim too.

There’s much on my mind but i am tired.  If I write about the sense of accomplishment I feel from taking care of daily business, getting things in order . . those small ordinary pleasures and goals then I am shallow, without the mind to write of deeper things.  If I write about larger issues . . then people get mad . . .sometimes I want to take things on,sometimes I want peace and want to get along with people. Sometimes i keep silent on larger issues for a reason.  Sometimes I feel so torn up by something that i cannot help myself . . i articulate my worries, distresses, sense of injustice . . .it all depends. Tonight, I am tired but happy that i took care of us .  Empowered us again.  It’s the right kind of energy. So Im broke ….I got stuff to do.

 

thursday

Feeling down now. Guess things haven’t been going right lately at work.  this weekend they really needed me to cover for some one with the flu and I was having trouble getting a ride. I didn’t want to overdraw to get gas . . . and the car wasn’t running very good . . . So i told them we didn’t have gas money.  Now i see how that must have gone over . . . I should have overdrafted for something that important.  It really makes me look like a loser, unprofessional. Not a team player.  And perhaps i have been unprofessional.  i think that really bothered some people, even though they found some one else to cover those shifts.  Perhaps, at an unconcious level i was bummed out by ‘problem’ peoples taking up so much of my time ( in my personal life too) and suddenly feeling defensive about my off time to myself.  I wasn;t drinking at all over the weekend. in fact, I hadn’t done any drinking during my work week before that.   I was making up a lot of food for Darrell and I over the weekend.   At any rate . . despite my feeling last night that my life was back on an upward trajectory it seems i made some mistakes, med errors.  Also, one of my clients who is difficult was much more so.  perhaps because her meds were changed.  Her behavior seemed markedly more psychotic to me.  When she hit me, hard, in the morning because i picked out underwear she didn’t like i drew the line . . I am  normally super patient with any challenging behaviors but i did let her know i was angry. i told her she could not do that.  later when she was calmer i tried to rub her shoulders and show a little affection to let her know it was o.k. and we still cared . . .but i guess she reported me for abuse to the police.  of course, i am just one in a long line of people she imagines are trying to harm her , and i was cleared of any mis doing . . but when that happens it means we’re not clicking and they have to take that caregiver off for a while.  why was i losing my professional focus lately?? Perhaps the long drive out to Lynden and the screwed up sleep time table is messing with me more than i realize , perhaps Im not really adaptable to the overnight awake . . . alot of people can’t and won’t hack it. A lot of times with this particular client she gets up in the middle of the night and wants me to listen to at least an hour of schizophrenic ranting . . which i do, only hinting that perhaps she would like to go back to bed . . . not pushing her, just trying to listen and give responses that show Im attentive . . . but often it’s hard, when she is abusive s she was last night.  I don’t know what i could have done to make myself more focused, not making mistakes from exhaustion . . . i got in a swim, i took care of my own self during my private time as well as the people I care about. i didn’t abuse drugs or alchohol . . . .at least, not recently . . . Did this swirling tornado of thoughts and  buried emotions and personal history ( and it was big, deep) triggered by things  in the Midwest mess with the way I project myself??  Was i edgy or preoccupied?  I hope this is only temporary.

Saturday

Im back on the schedual. Ill be working at Aaron Drive this week.  Talked with supervisor and all is cleared up.  Off to do the market.

Monday

The big t.v. gave out. On game day too . . . Darrell spent thw whole day at my place, watching the small t.v. in his old bedroom and later catching up on computer games.  it was relaxing and I liked his company.  It was the way it used to be once when he felt like my place was his home.  Something between us has changed now and there are  no longer any problems.  I watched the Borgias on my tablet all afternoon.  When he left he had a long bear hug.  The day is coming closer and closer when he will take off for Standing Rock.  I may not see him for a long time.  I may never see him.  As much As i wrote badly of him i really cannot imagine a universe without Darrell in it somewhere near.  He was a handfull but he was a rare man and that’s why i loved him despite everything.  Artist.  A real warrior.  Never greedy.  Sensitive and feeling. never assimilated, always his own indiviual self. After so many years of searching, of disastrous attempts at relationships i finally met a full man. . . and i stayed with him for almost 20 years, good or bad.    I didn’t always know what I had.  I think too, he is beginning to think something like that about me too . . . .he also, didn’t always know what he had. Out time together now is precious.  Every moment matters to me now and i try to appreciate it.  Soon he will go, and fight for his people.

9-29-16  Thursday

 

I rather enjoyed working at Aaron drive Monday.  Tonight . . Littlefield.

Dream:

I went to Standing Rock to be a part of a large street march.  there were lots of little shops.  When i got to where the march was gathering I ran into many people I knew.  Danette, Derek, Micheal Hall and their whole clan were there.  They seemed angry with me and did not want to visit.

I guess Darrell will not be taking off after all.  We are back to the same old same old . . Honeymoon, then he coaxes me to come over and help him, cook and clean , give back rubs  then . . . . same old same old . . . . ending with me in emotional pain and upset swearing i will never go back . . . . feeling like a fool for falling for it AGAIN. No end in sight now . . . winter coming on soon.  if he does not hit the trail soon the mountain highways will be increasingly dangerous.  He can still take off in November . . but he is heading into cold weather out there and i bet a lot of people have or will disperse by then.

 

 

 

 

 





August 2016

8 08 2016

Hasn’t been a good week.

 

Darrell and i cann’t seem to do one single thing together without a huge problem.  i don’t want to list the dissapointments . . . today was the limit. There has been alot of things that I no longer can tolerate, or wish to be subjected too.  Today was the last try . . tried to take him out to dinner but it was non stop  verbal abuse.  Then he wanted me to drive around for an hour, all the while hitting me and yelling at me .  I told him to leave me alone for a while and we gave back our keys.  Money got to be too much of a problem too . . .I was alwasy buying little treats, helping out and all i got back was abuse . . . demands for more money, friends of his ripping me off . . . I could list a litany of things . . . people think Im putting him down when i write about how that makes me feel . . but i don’;t even come close to desribing the reality in detail.

this last episode with the missing wallet really bummed me out.  then my shoes dissapeared.  I wasn’t going to confront anyone unless i had proof, in case i was wrong, but I finally texted Carol and asked if she had accidentally taken my slippers.  She texted back . . no, they don’t fit. that kind of says it right there.

I ought to have texted back.  That’s good, believe me sista, you don’t want to be in my shoes. You really don’t want to take on my identity. Really you don’t.

On the brighter side . . . what brighter side . . . quit trying to look on the brighter side . . there fucking IS no brighter side.  I try to find optomism and meaning in the few straws i have . . . whoopy, I danced with my clients at the picnic. But it’s a life destroyed.   I don’t even want to hear the rationalizations . . we had to teach her a lesson and so on.  Who had that right . . .

At least I have my apartment to myself, it cool and quiet  . as long as all the people stay away from me and leave me alone . . it’s my sanctuary, I can ready, watch interesting documentaries on u tube, do my knitting.  I will be happier i think, than i think i will with time.  I mean . . Darrell , the Darrell i loved was gone to me a long time ago and i just didn’t want to let that goast go.

Monday afternoon

Got my swim in.  Wrked out too.  I think i still have a spark of ‘it’ left . . buried perhaps under an avalanche of things that destroyed sense of self . . but still there.  Can i still turn it on after all these years . . let it shine the way i could when I was younger??  I bet i can, just as an experiment and then people will be astonished . ..I would have to work out regularly, do my yoga, lose a few pounds and stay away from cheap beer except on ocasions . . like going out dancing.  I see a   i of pretty women around, and some that are very sexual , like Dana . . . but i had a differnet, natural kind of sensuality once . . .i bet i could still fan it back to life onemore time before i resign my self to the rocking chair . . . or dung heap if certian people had their way.  Im going to go out dancing again some time soon  . . no hobbling around looking shabby and forlorn, feeling done in . . . .and i bet a few souls will say . . dang, is that the woman we made fun of?  I can out do them all . . . or i could, once.  bought myself some nic clothes . . that’s always the first step. Swimming is good, working out . . feeling comfortable with ones own physicality.

I don’t really want to go on the prowl after 20 years . . i just want to feel like i can again.

Wednesday

Classes again this week.  Aced my test yeasterday with two wrong.  Boy, did that cheer me up  and it shows in the photos we took this morning.  We reconciled.  made up some chicken and bisquits with banana pudding and squash for Chief’s dinner.  he was in a playfull mood this morning.  Much to do today. Insights and ruminations later.

Thursday

Found that wallet. it was nestled in the crown of my summer straw hat.  Classes again yesterday and this time i passed my test with one wrong answer.  Feeling good.  Have had some weird dreams:

I was at a march with Dr. Martin Luther King.  He turned into Nelson Mandela. Mandela looked very tired and frail.   I sat down in a chair and then Nelson Mandela sat down on my lap.  I was sitting on some one elses lap and I tried to raise myself a little to keep the weight off of him.  Finally, I had to stand up but when I did Nelson Mandela collapsed.

Dream two. A gruesome dream that had to do with gaurding a dead body that had not been buried.  it was my job.  Finally, someone buried the body and i was very upset.  For some reason I felt some special role had been taken from me.  One of the tenents here knocked on my door  and told me something about Darrell and i got furious with her and tried to attack her.  She became abusive and yelled insults and taunts at me.  In the dream i was trying to scream and hit her but i could not.

Notes’

Darrell and i had been talking about the toll drugs took on the inner city population of Minneapolis in the early 90s . . . and about clintons role in importing  them.  We were talking about things that had estroyed black lives.  Dream probably represents ‘support.  Also, perhaps a concern that without my support my ‘south side boy’ as i used to call Darrell, would collapse.

Dream two was disturbing.  i have yet to figure it out. probably has to do with something aspect of a past relationship that had not been put to rest.  Derek?  The last half of the dream is anger at people who had commandeered my relationship with Darrell.

Saturday August 13.16

Off to the market i guess.  Make money instead of spend it.  Wanted so badly to go to the subdued string band jamboree in Deming today.  I even offered to pay Darrell’s ticket.  Intially he seemed enthused. But then turned ressistive and quarrelsome when i brought it up.  I hardly ever get enthused about going out to festivals anymore and I feel really saddened that I cannot find transportation to this one now.  Why couldn’t he lend me the car if i gave him some money?  yesterday the same thing around  going to the Lake . . Donna and Hollis stopped and wanted us to go.  Again . . . Maggies Fury is playing for free tonight but if i go I will have to go alone.  I invited Darrell over for dinner but again, he said he didn’t like my house.  Maybe he’s going through something.  Says he only wants to go to Pow wows now and i need to respect that.  O.K. . . .he is retreating from participating in cultural events or socializing, outside of his  matrix . . .there’s no cultural interface i guess.  Maybe people are retreating into their camps because of the rise of Trump.   There will be no scenic trips, no trips to the Lake this summer.  I don’t mind going places myself . I would have liked to go to the Jamboree myself but no way i could get there.  I have been sober for a while and am acting and thinking so much better than i did in the past . . . and now I am at the point where I want to come out of retreat into the celebration of life . . just as Darrell is retreating into his world.  This morning there were accusations that he knows i am seeing someo9ne . . would i be pleading with him to go with me if i were??  What’s really going on here?Sara asked Darrell for  ride back from sumas, only a short distance from Demming where the music fest was going on and Darrell jumped right in the car to go get her . . but not me,

Saturday

Paul and his girlfriend stayed here a few nights. They were quarreling.  Darrell and I were quarrelling and continue to do so if we interface.  Drank by myself and watched back episodes of ‘The Killing’ all day on Monday.  Didn’t answer calls or open door . . . Darrell called the cops to do a ‘welfare check’. (probably hoping to ‘catch me in the act’) so now Im the ‘problem’ again in the community eye.  Back to being the terrible drunk. . . you see  . . . you see . .  how she is . . . . and he is back to being the concerned boyfriend . Of course i straightened up and made my work shifts.   Today he is back to accusations and saying he doesn’t care about you white people or how i feel, or what i want . . .  etc . . . . .I got to admit, he always wins the PR game. he is the master of that.

I signed my folks up for meals on wheels 3 days a week.  i ampaying  for this myself.  I am feeling good about this.  i should have done it a while ago.  Now, if i can just get my sisters to chip in on visiting angels once a week to get gorceries and clean out the tub and showers etc . . .i won’t be so concerned that i need run accross country trying to fix things myself.

so far, Mom and Dad really appreciate and enjoy the meals on wheels.  My approval rating has gone up in St. Cloud i think . . the lady at the St. cloud Hospital who signed me up was so friendly and talkative, she had a ‘Fargo’ accent and boy did she like to talk . . I envisioned a sort of friendly, roly poly curly haired blond midwestern woman my age . . . . anyway. it makes my spirit feel better knowing im taking on some daughterly responsiblity for their welfare that will help out their lives.

Sunday

Got out to the lake with Hollis and Donna.  We watched some movies later with Darrell.  Made him a meatloaf.  it felt good to swim out and then float, gazing at the clouds and the mountains surrounding the Lake as the waves bouy me in their rythm.  it is like being one with the universe.

It is peaceful here at home tonight. Just browsing the internet and listening to Pandora.  Time to turn on the news.

Tuesday

Flipped on Bill O’Reilly for the first time in a while and something he was talking about got under my skin. He was talking about social media destroying lives and Facebook creating liars.  I seem to remember Mr. O’Reilly commenting once on national television that my father had said of me that i was garbage. Never mind that my Dad has talked like that since i was a teenager from time to time.   And that’s not destroying lives?? Ive been avoiding the ‘media thing’ as i used to call it . . trying to put it behind me but there are things that keep popping up that bring it all back . . .just as ther are things here that bring back the agony of ‘what went down’ here in Bellingham despite my efforts to move on . . . and i feel compelled to write about it all once again . . despite the fact that ‘no one listens to Karen anymore.” They should.  I wasn’t a liar.  I told the truth.  Even the stuff about Sullivan . . .all true.  And it was much bigger than I reported.

I don’t think my Facebook wall , or anyone elses is nessesarally a false front.  No more than every person in their social interactions in daily life has a ‘wall’.  for me it was a chanch to interact with people in a positive way, when everything in my life seemed designed to demonize and isolate me. it was a way of having a laugh, learning fro people, participating in their reality a bit and also sharing a window into my personal life and things i valued.  I shared my projects.  I shared Darrell’s artworks.  i share pictures . . people can interpret those as they will.    That is hardly a ‘lie’ .  Only to those who have condemned . . and see anything that contradicts that condemnation as phoney or a lie.  Not ‘the truth’.

So if one posts good stuff on their FB . . they are liars. Phoney.   If they post their problem solving, less than happy stuff, their or some one elses dirty laundry then they are creating ‘hatred’  sounds like a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation.

yeah.  the internet can destroy lives . . . .my blogging was often cited as creating destructive energy, of damaging the public personas of of some people i wrote about, and therefore the media ‘backlash’ was seen as response.  However, the media began to attack and destroy my life long, long before anything i wrote in my private journals ever became publicly accessable.  It was the other way around . . . I felt compelled to defend myself.  Also, you had to know who i was to even find those old journals on line.  have a reason to find and read them . . . where as, the many statements that were made about me via media reached a global audience by contrast.  So i don’t buy the theory that internet destroys lives and that  somehow influences or finds it’s way to the blameless media . . .no, there has to be a day when they can admit to the damage that they felt it was within their right to create. (She DESERVED distain!) No one deserves to be called a piece of shit on t.v. by Mike Moore and others . . .they are supposed to be on the side of the people.  And do they think those ‘peoples’ are all saints??  No . . in reality, wether their posture is populist or looking out for you O’Reilly they pander to a easily manipulated mainstream audience.  I got news for them . . those peoples . . they do things all the time that make me look like a prig. Get real.

WEdnesday

O.K>  Simmer down Karen.  That’s twice this week i let myself get triggered by something that brought up painfull emotions. This is now.  So much time has passed that no one would even know what the hell I was  talking about.

I am at work.  My bones hurt.  Bad.  probably from swimming.  I’ll do some yoga on my down time.

There are  serious protests against the pipeline in Standing Rock right now and i support that.  Water is crucial.  When i visited Standing Rock in 2008 some one had poisened the water (fertilizer)  . . or at least that was the theory.  People had to get bottled water.  I would pour some tap water into a pan and hours later there was a layer of crud that had settled on the bottom . Poisened water spells the end of a people’s independence from government.  The end of a people actually . . as if they don’t have enough sadness, suicides and things.  Not to say there isn’t good suff too .  yeah, water is a serious matter . I guess most Americans just shrug it off . . heck, we have water shortages in California, in Phoenix, the water in Flint is poisened.  But it’s not the same thing.  Maybe Flint.

Paul and Becky staying at my place tonight, maybe tommarrow.  Dang, how will i make it through my shift with this much bone pain.

(later)

I just finished my yoga stretches and meditation and the pain is gone now.  It is very peacefull here at the ‘office’. I have an entire apartment to myself since the client that lived here passed on. It’s our office area, where we overnight people camp all night. In a bit i will have to make my rounds again but right now it is peacefull.  Listening to Mary Youngblood on u tube as I write.  Not struggling to stay awake.

Thursday 8-25-2016

The term genocide was coined in 1944 by a Jewish Polish legal scholar, Raphael Lemkin. For Lemkin, “the term does not necessarily signify mass killings.” He explained:

More often [genocide] refers to a coordinated plan aimed at destruction of the essential foundations of the life of national groups so that these groups wither and die like plants that have suffered a blight. The end may be accomplished by the forced disintegration of political and social institutions, of the culture of the people, of their language, their national feelings and their religion. It may be accomplished by wiping out all basis of personal security, liberty, health and dignity. When these means fail the machine gun can always be utilized as a last resort. Genocide is directed against a national group as an entity and the attack on individuals is only secondary to the annihilation of the national group to which they belong.

Friday

Feeling really sad, alone and lonely this Eve. The usual . . . so tired of the  negativity when i am trying to put out positive energy towards others.  I don’t understand it in this community . . after all these years . . . my bike got stripped . . and people in my building know it’s my bike.  Darrell being angry  . . despite my going into overdraft to get him some weed to chill out . . . he’s not answering phone calls.

I keep hoping that after my stat test in September i will have my license and then i will be free to go some where, do something different with my life .  . . and I am trying t hang tough, do a good job at work and gain back social respect.  To some extent it is working, i enjoy my co workers . . but that is a pretty thin positive support system.

maybe I’ll go out to boundary bay . . . nah, i need to money tommarrow at the market, not spend it.  I don’t really want to do the market tommarrow, even though its an extra hundred . ..Im starting to feel ridiculous.

 

(Later)  tired now in a good way’.  I went out for a walk.  walking tropugh town taking in the sights and music  on a warm Friday night in august.  People everywhere having a good time.  So many cool bistros and nooks and crannys have sprung up in Bellingham . . so  many people enjoying each others company.  Bellingham is a pretty cool town.  haven’t got out and walked around for a while .. . . i want to continue this but through the worm hole is on.

Saturday .  did the market. Few sales but good conversations.  Went out to the Bayou last night and treated myself to some shrimp.  Tonight , i made some almond encusted fish, Jo Jos with italian seasoning, fresh cooked carrots in butter,cucumber salad and cloeslaw. Yum.

Tired now.

Monday

Hung out with Darrell at my place yesterday and we got along just like old times.  made up chicken and wild rice, took a cruise out to Lummi and engaged in debate about the current protests in Standing Rock.  I asked if the Grand River had it’s source in the Missouri and wether it is or could be accessed for water.  Darrell filled me in on recent history.  I guess bear soldier housing near Mc Laughlin got all of it’s drinking water from this water tower in Mc Laughlin. The pipe line that carried that water either broke or was tampered with and that water was poisened.  Now Standing Rock has a different water source.  The Grand River in Standing Rock which is close to a number of villages there flows into the Missouri. So it’s a source of uncontaminated water. Should the Missouri become contaminated this water would be invaluable.  In fact, Darrell tells me the town of Mc Laughlin wants the tribe to share it’s water and is putting pressure on them to do so.

if the Missouri were contaminated by oil spill . . . there will be a fight over this water.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





July 3

3 07 2016

July 3

Did not sell a thing at the market.  I was set up next to the Bernie people. Still fervantly sure that they had a good shot at winning the election. They talk so heatedly about getting rid of this person and that . . .state politicains they ‘hate’.  i dunno . . although I like a lot of Bernie’s ideas . . .free tuition for example . . the money has to come from somewhere . . and i wonder if it isn’t really sort of a Ponzi scheme  in reality.  When told that Bernie was talking about endorsing Hillary they were practically hysterical.  He can’t do that to us.  The tone of the whole thing left me feeling horribly depressed . . .as i remembered how they bragged about getting rid of karen not so long ago . . bragged about how it was coming along . . . if i were a really vengeful person i could set up a meeting with those politicians and report what i heard,trade info on what was is still is being done to myself . . .trade it for exposing these tactics publicly.  Nah . . . .  .   Im not too crazy about these representatives myself . . . .I guess ill just have to accept certian things.

July 6

I really need to sleep so i can withstand the marathon overnights ahead . . but i did something to my leg, the ciattica nerve is throbbing and radiating pain all along the left side of my body and tylenol isn’t helping.  My lungs hurt too . . on the verge of a cold, or perhaps another asthnma/bronchitis episode.  Seems like Im always sick, or in pain with something. this ciattica thing may  keep me from working . . . I have a client that need to be repositioned every 2 hours tonight . . . I might really injure myself or her.  If i call in that’s not a good way to start off my first shift alone . . . it’s no use, Im just breaking down.  I will never be healthy, happy, attractive ever again. Went for a swim but i think that’s what triggered this.  or aggrevated it.

Went with Darrell to his friends place over the 4th and we did some fireworks.  nice to get out for a visit and drive. It’s good that he has good friends now that help him alot.  He’s known them for quite a while and they have a lot of respect for him because he’s done so much over the years to help them out and others who are poor, homeless, marginalizied.

July 7th

Down time on my overnight shift.  Now I get paid to check facebook and play my computer games . . it keeps me awake for emergencies.  Made it through the 13 hour shift . .. plus 3 hours of transportation . . . Im feeling much more comfortable with this.  Ive got a variety of clients with disabilities ranging from Celebral Palsy, dementia, autism,dows syndrome, and sever diabetes. Ive already become attached to some of the clients. I talk to them like adults. They ARE adults craving real conversations.   One of them has some incredible behavior problems and is going to be a real challenge . . but if i could handle Darrell when he was drinking this should be a breeze.

I was having some doubts about whether i was tempermentally suited to this, and wether i had the capabilites to be responsible  but I did all the right things, researching my clients and their needs, routines before each shift. I said i was going to do this . . and i ment it.  Im so glad i got myself out of the rut i was in. it’s not a glamour job . . but at the personal and spiritual level it it a good thing . . and I can continue to aqquire certifications that will qualify me for other stuff down the road.

Lynden is a Dutch town.  They have miniature windmills everywhere and many of the store fronts are done up in an Amsterdam look. They have a Dutch Bakery with pretty decent pastries.    The trees here are big.  There’s lots of parks.  Sure is a lot different from Bellingham.

I too am starved for fun , thought provoking conversations . . .perhaps i will swing down to Newport on my days off.

 

(later) People upset, some of them, about Hillary being let off the hook, no criminal charges.  I think Lynch was threatened with blackmail.  the Clinton foundation is a spider web for money laundering and all kinds of things that is connected to a lot of prominant people, all of whom can be blackmailed and threatened.

Sunday 7-10-

“Arch-Globalist Hillary Clinton’s no-prosecution, the recent exit of Britain from the EU which torpedoed the unchecked advance of Globalism, the current Presidential campaign which features a candidate (formerly two candidates) attacking Globalism as no major candidate ever has before—all this suddenly fades from public consciousness in the specter of the Dallas shootings—the racial conflict that has been decades in the making—made in America, by Globalists, for the express purpose of Divide and Conquer.”  John Rappaport

 

and then there is this . . . .

http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:Rzar-8eQ6asJ:https://www.facebook.com/blackpowerpoliticalorganization/%252Bblack+power+political+organization&gbv=1&hl=en&ct=clnk

doesn’t look like the work of globalists . . . i don’t know what to think . . except that it is not what it seems. These things usually aren’t.

Monday

Feeling good again today . . . Was feeling bad about a lot of stuff . . .but I got Darrell’s t.v.service started up again for him . . .and he is purring.  I  also bought him a d.v.d player and a collection of Andy Griffith dvds.  He’s still crabby and com[plains and is perpetually mad at everything . . but that’s just the way he has become.  It may be stu[pid to spend money on the guy when he has done so much stuff that has caused me emotional upset, social denigration . . .and all manner of stuff . . . . but it keeps him happy, and it’s almost like to old days when we were so much more affectionet.

Tues

Got a letter from BHA threatening me because i did not fill out an income change report. My annual recertification papers were handed in last month and so any income i aqquire now will raise my rent.  last month my classes and time were paid for . . 75 hours and i was technically an employee although i was not working .  Last week was my first week on my own on the job.

I still have not heard from the state yet as to when i take the state test. That was my main objective . . to get that State cert. Now I am in deep shit . . . . have dug a deep hole for myself . . . .that paid training adds up to a lot of hours that will set my rent rate for the oncoming year . . i may have to pay a lot of money in rent now so any extra income i am making from employment (only 25 hours a week) is not going to benefit me at all . . in fact, it may destroy what stability i do have because it threatens my social security.  I took the training because I wanted it under my belt so I could work independently. . with my Mother in the future or perhaps Darrell . . . but that bubble burst into reality before i was even out of classes. I also needed some cash quick because i had gotten into debt paying out money for Darrellwhen he was on the road and almost lost his apartment.  No thanks for that.    he has had his hand out big time since I got my first check . . every day he wants 10 or 20 bucks . . and of course the social abuse continues, how i am no good  . . etc . . . . if i complain about the muzaska then I must be ‘hateful’ or a bigot.  that’s the way it has been for years and years.  They laugh at me in Indian country . . for being so weak that I continue to be bled, used and abused and disrespected.  For becoming so subjegated.  But I did put up a fight . . . and look what they did to me in Madison . . . they forced me back into the arms of all that . . . they demonized me and tried to cut me off from the mainstream so i had no alternative but to accept this situation.  then they brag about it.

 

I know . . it’s up to me to set boundaries.  quit blaming others for my own inability to just say NO.  In the past however saying NO ment a campaign of disparagement at the street level that percolated throughout my community and resulted in vicious attacks every year that were reflected in the media . . sometimes several times a year.  So i consider the musaska an quic and easy way to maintain a little peace.  I always manage to keep afloat but one of these days this ship will sink . . a missed rent payment and then . . no one to help me.  No one who truely cares about me.

The irony is that my parents act like this job I have now is some sort of great achievement. It’s not.  I have no illusions about that.  They say they are proud of me . . at last, and my mother talks about how good it feels to do things for other people.  Like the past 15 years i wasn’t doing things for people in a big way??  Now I am acceptable to my parents . . . like they could not be proud of me when i played second chair second violin in Brahm’s fourth? when we did Beethovan’s 9th back when i lived in St. Cloud for a few years.   They couldn’t say one good things about me when I managed to get to Madison after all the shit, all the trauma i went through in 1998, and hold down a union job on campus . . that took a few brain cells, to get myself tucked in safely there under all that shit storm and hold it down.  That was not dumb .  But there were people hell bent on having me removed . . oh those terrible cartoons i did in my late twenties, it was pay back time,madison it turned out was a major marxist indoctrination center, and that cash crop had to be protected.  i was a troubling presence, even when I kept to myself and just did my job.  There’s a lot i could write about this . .( and I am seeing now i lot of what i saw seeded then ) . . . So I got squeezed,made an exit, and then fell back under the same old shit . . . . what i am doing now is dumb, in comparison to what I was doing 1999. My survival instincts and courage , and compassion as well were much greater then than now . . . i was a better person, a stronger person then . . . now I am a weak person, not a strong one. But i am acceptable . . . at last . . and the vicious attacks have stopped.  I finally have the praise of my parents.

the one good thing to come of all this is that my folks were really bragging me up to Kate when she came to visit them . That’s a reversal . . and it gives me a little smile, a little chuckle to think of her having to take  an unwelcomed snootfull of praise for karen.

(Later) . . .Falling into a bad mood this morning? In resentment mode?  Nothing like being hit up for cash from all sides to bring out mean thinking . . but sometimes when i talk caustic like this . . as much as it makes people mad, it’s closer to the truth.  But with all the black lives matter tensions, the accusations of terrorism or intentionally created racial divide . . . .why add to the stew.

Truthfully . . it is my resposibility to set boundaries, and if i can’t,or won’t,  that is my tragic undoing . . and the root of most of my problems . . . most of the time i know this. Sometimes i just want to get mad . . . . oh yes, there was plenty to get good and mad about.   If i dole out too much to Darrell then i get sideswiped by ‘rebellion’ or resentment i don’t even realize is there and I go out and drink or spend irresponsibly on myself  . . . am i afraid I will be all alone if i don’t dole out for his weed?  he will ask as much as he is allowed . . he spent most of his life having to hustle and he is a hard core hustler for sure . . .in his world, that is no no great flaw . . getting some one like me to give him a little musaska . . . I dream sometimes of having some one that really cares about me. That will do things for me, look after me when i am sick or lonely, anticipate my feelings and needs . . but Ive pretty much given up on it and i certianly don’t search for it any more.  Got to take care of yourself in this world.  people will respect those who have their own.

Everyone seems troubled by the recent shootings in Dallas.  I have lots of thoughts on this . . . . but I prefer not to comment. Not at this time.   My opinions are of no importance anyway.   I work with a guy who used to be part of the L.A.P.D.  We talked about these issues and he gave me a lot of inside perspective.  He said that the Rodney King thing actually turned out to be a good thing because it forced the department to get rid of some really bad apples.  he talked alot about the peer pressures of being in the Police force . . if you don’t go along or refuse to beat some one you aren’t trusted.   I also have my memories of  Minneapolis . . .and there’s much running through my head right now.  I never witnessed any police brutality myself but i saw the results and heard the stories from the street Indians.

I wonder if the recent spat of t.v. mini series  and movies about the brutalities of slavery could have excerbated this.

Thursday 7-14

My rent has been raised by 200 dollars . . and i was threatened with eviction if i ever failed to report a change in income within 14 days ever again.

One of my clients is making me miserable . . not only intellectually disabled but extremely abusive as well.  I don’t know if I want to deal with this. I watched one of my co workers handle her and i was impressed with the way she could sooth her . . but for some reason this client doesn’t relate to me and my interactions with her amount to non stop tantrums ,nasty  verbal abuse and sometimes self abuse.  i stay calm and professional but the truth is I don’t have the loving, caring temperment needed to be a sucess with some one like this.  I am a distant, rather cool personality . . I care about people but i am not personally warm and effusive.  Perhaps it’s just not my calling.  My co workers say I am doing great . . my supervisior says she is getting good reports . . but this client makes me feel like this just isn’t my calling.  I get on fine with others . . but Im just not ment to deal with challenging behavior or shizophrenic  acting out behaviors. I don’t have knack . . or truthfully, the compassion when it comes to these kinds of clients.  I guess no one likes working with this client.   Maybe the elderly?? i try to see it as a learning experience.  a test.

Darrell continues to hit me up for money every day, despite the hundreds I’ve poured into him this year.  I tried telling him I need to hold on to my cash . . . save up and get a few things . . . but he doesn’t care.  so i feel like Im dealing with difficult and abusive personalities all the time.  My little bubble has burst and i am kicking myself for taking on this job . . it has really screwed up everything that was pleasent in my world.  I may lose my medical insurance too.

Why, why does Darrel expect me to dole out so much?? he must know that this will lead to strain and rupture.  Im so tired . . and everything is depressing me.  I want to go see the ocean . . do fun things . . . . . is this the ‘karma’ everyone seems to think I deserve for ‘all the things she done’,

However, I feel like if I get angry with Darrell and confront this then my life will be nothing but wiping butts, and having schziphrenics throw cereal at me or try to beat their own heads.  Im a good person but i have been so denigrated . . by the media and street tactics . . that no man would be interested in dating me, nor can i forget ‘what went down’ out here, what went down at the national . . even global level.  i would however, have enough cash to do some fun things on my own . . . and so what if i get evicted. No . . that’s nothing to be cavilier about . . . .

Monday

Bug treatment day!!  Have to get the birdies over to Darrell’s place. A woman named Ruth went on the attack on Darrell and I only a day after doug hassled me about not reporting income . .She started threatening me,because Darrell parked in the wrong spot, threatened to have me evicted. And she tried, dragging us to the office.   She was screaming; you know better, you think the rules don’t apply to you . . and so on.  Then Darrell got mad.  Just like the old days . . always being threatened by angry people because of something to do with Darrell . . . I never understand why i get sideswiped with attacks like this . . .I know, Doug has a rep as to qoute another tenent as “a little prick’ and Ruth is just plain vicious on her verbal attacks on other tenents , not just me . . . . but the history of these attacks has left a huge unhealed wound with me, and when they reoccur, it causes me such blinding pain and anger . . yes, i know, i should have reported the job change right away . . i did remind myself, yeah, I better do that . . . but i was preoccupied i guess . . . no doubt, Ruth heard some gossip about Karen (again) . . . and the way it goes around here is that there are some people wgho are activated by anything, who go into hate attack mode at the drop of a hat . . it escalates . . .this little world here at Lincoln Square is notorious for that . . . only, I really thought all that stuff was behind me.

then if i get distressed and say anything . . it’s MY attitude . . . . or if I withdraw and turn it inwards . . . .

On a better note.  I got along really well with my troublesome client last week.  Am no longer doubtful or depressed about it.  One of my co workers gave me a LG tablet and that was such a nice gift it has really made my day.

I need to quit journaling.  That’s what fuels the troubles . . it doesn’t matter what i write about, some one will always find something to get mad about . . . proof of wrong thinking.

Wednesday July 20th

Got a good nights sleep and feel pretty good this morning.  Cleaned up the apartment, watered garden and plants, brought groceries to Darrell’s place. Restorative actions . . and restorative relaxation yesterday.  We went for a drive out to Lummi over to tribal images and Darrell sold an original drawing for 50 bucks . . not much, but it wasn’t framed.  So we shared Indian tacos and kicked up the music on the way home.  I bought ‘Hail Caeser” which was a riot . . .what a clever and amusing movie!!  I loved it.  Kicked back to Queen of the south, Turn, Outlander, Mr. Robot . . some of my favorite shows.  I dropped in every now and again to the Republican convention . . . I can catch up on that tonight on my down time.  I saw enough . . Christy’s speech . . .wow.  Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.  Clinton needs to be locked up??  And he is Dudly Doright??  This is really, really , really crazy . . why are politicians tapping this kind of energy, harnessing it . . . it’s so dangerous to encourage, to validate that kind of pschology.

http://www.infowars.com/video-bernie-voters-hate-HillarJuly 27

28th

Donna is back in town.  We are on our way to Lake Padden.  I had internet installed at my apartment and have been having fun on Darrell’s old lap top, catching up on u tube documentaries and the latest on Hillary and the DNC.  I was terribly depressed a few days ago but do not have the time to explore it now  or any other topic.

(later) it sounded too good to be true and it was.  He threw me out of the car in a bad temper fit before we even got out of Bellingham.  So much for nice, normal fun at the lake . . . those days are gone. They will never happen again.

31st

Ran into Carol James outside the silver Reef a few days back . . . Darrell had picked me up, unexpectedly from work and we stopped for gas.  She was recently homeless.  apparently 43 familys (according to Carol) were kicked out of Lummi housing when traces of methamphetamine were found on the walls.  As long as I have known Carol I have never known her to do drugs or alchohol.  She is a Lummi Matriarch that both Darrell and I have respect for . . she beat an alchohol addiction many years ago and she has given me mch wisdom and insight over the years about Darrell.  We have not seen her for a long time . . I offered to let her stay at my place and so far it has been good, harmonious and great to have an old friend to talk to.  Donna and her boyfriend were staying at Darrell’s place but they cleared out last night when they finally bought a truck and a tent.  It has been busy, shuttling between making meals at both apartments and feeding5 people on no money and little groceries.  But we managed.  yesterday, I did the market and did well.  We had roast last night.  Today, I snooze and watch episodes of the Borgias on my tablet while Carol and her daughter also catch up on much needed r and r.  I can’t seem to get the sleepiness, the tiredness out of my bones this weekend.  it has been productive . . bridge building rather than reactive .  So, I am back to my my snoozing with the Borgias .  There are worse ways to spend a Sunday.  I don’t want to think about Politics today . . we chewed it up a bit this morning.  That’s enough.

8-2

bummed out.  I cannot find my wallet. The last time I remember handling it was pulling out some bucks for hamburger . . and then later, a few bucks for Darrell.  The only other place I went was the YMCA yesterday and perhaps it fell out of my backpack in the locker room.  or some one went through lockers.  Carol and daughter left early Monday morning.  It amounts to theft . . wether at the YMCA or at home . . . I just can’t believe that Carol would do that to me. It just doesn’t seem to be part of her character as I’ve understood it over the years . . but how well do I know her daughter??  Darrell yelling at me and saying it was my fault and he doesn’t want to hear about it . . . . as if to say, your the dumb ass that tried to be nice.

I can’t get groceries today as planned now.  That really makes me sad.  I have to go and cancel credit cards and everything.  I searched the apartment over and over  . . . .keep hoping I misplaced it.  Funny how quickly communal energy that is good and energizing can turn to rancor in an instant.  Darrell being so hatefull now when I really need HIS help . . . . it feels like the whole world is trying to pull me down.  I really don’t know why this negativity always follows any good thing, any assumption of good will, trust  and friendship in the community.

8-3

Have a spare drivers license, s.s.card, and birth certificate so Im O.K> I.D wise.  No funds were withdrawn yesterday on credit.  Non the less, i cancelled my bank card and food stamp card.  It will be over a week before I recieve replacements.

Seems like the Kahn incident has dealt a fatal blow to Trump.  It was brilliantly executed, I’ll say that much.  Why were all the half ways decent human beings like Rubio weeded out by the American people in favor of this travesty?? If that is what American white men truely identify with we are living in a scary country . . and Hillary . . . . .heard another conspiracy theory the other day . . . this one about how she ordered the gathering of DNA samples of the heads of state in various (mostly S. American) countries.  Dna can be studied for weaknesses to target . . . tailored illnesses ect . . . . and this is credited to the deaths of several South American leaders in a short period of time to cancers . . Chavez for example, who had cancer in the groin, supposedly from treated underpants, courtesy of Hillary.  Sound too fantastic??  Maybe.  But not beyond the realm of possibility.

Comcast i see has been hit with a huge lawsuit for millions here in Wa for deceptive practices.  I’ve been crying around about comcast for about 10 years and i truely believe we can’t even begin to fathom the deceptive practices.  i believe they have been contracted to allow spying through their comcast equipment. Who has contracted them?  How much of a pay off??  There were rumors years ago that Al Gore had huge shares in Comcast . . . I haven’t researched it lately . . . but from what i know it all leads back to the Democratic party and their controll of media and entertainment.  Certianly i was aware of spying, connected with my comcast equipment as early as 2007.  it sounds like a form of mentle illness . . and it’s ment to . . but i was being played with by some invasive, ruthless and perhaps pschopathic or at least indifferent people . . . .little clues would appear, visual or audio to let me know when a private conversation of behavior was being observed.

At any rate.  It was not a gentle . . let’s mess with Karen’s mind a little . . a little harmless fun as some people like to see themselves . . it was a major, major, psch op.

And dumb shit here took a long time to figure out how not to feed it. How to shut up with the drunk confessional stuff . . the long trips down personal history . . the self examination.

At any rate, it does not matter now.  it’s no longer important or of any strategic use to anybody now.  People may think ive gone a little crazy . . what is surprising is that i remained as sane as i did.

I’M still feeling like something nasty is going on right now . . . that there is some effort to pull me down . . and i don’t quite understand the dynamics.  Why so many people seemed to be pulling a ‘nights of Cabiria’ on me.  That’s kind of how I feel . . . like that chick in Night’s of Cabiria , , fucked over again.  Even Derek . . . wondering now why he even tried to get in touch with me . . i was kind of wary when i saw that . . what does he want . . . but i opened the door to conversation, only to have it shut.  Aw . . . . .up to their old tricks i guess, trying to get you to think about them so they can slam the door again . . . there sure have been alot of people like that in my life. This time however, it did not take up much emotional space . . because a corner of me kind of was prepared and guarded against it, emotionally.

I think I may go find a man counselor.

Went to an employees meeting yesterday . . a grief processing session for a favorite client that recently died.  I have to admit that these are genuinely good people Im working for and with. Not just righteously good . . I mean genuinely kind and caring and humane. The way Christians are supposed to be.  Lynden is a very Christian town.  They had strict Liquor laws and Sunday laws. It is tempting to charecterize it as a sort of Stepford wives community . . .serene, charming, lots of flowers . . and those oh so rich Dutch pastries . . .babys in their strollers everywhere . . and to think that it is a bit phoney.  And Ive seen a bit of that in the past . . . i remember when there was that controversy about the casino . . . and the hysteria of the ‘wrong element’ coming with the casinos into Lynden.  Women were lined up in protest with these babys in their strollers like a picket line.  wrong element?

Bored blue haired ladies from Canada?  The mob?

But the people i work with have impressed me.  They’re not faking it.  that’s the real puzzlement and revelation for me . . . they really aren’t faking it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





June 2016

1 06 2016

June 1st

Derek actually wrote me a very nice letter via chat, and i was more absolving in my reply than i was in my blog.  Re reading the blog . . .always trying to create that pulse of dramatic high intensity . . . when in fact, my life could not be more low intensity. At least on the social surface.    Derek talks about putting himself through school and scouting now for a teaching position..  i can see him in this.

I on the other hand, was rip roaringly delighted when i got a call to interview at a hip restaurant last night, I never thought this restuarant  would look twice at my resume.  Tommarrow is my interview . . .

A fun job ! it is a real boost to know that i can still go out and hoof it with a folder of resumes and get a fun job.  Not production work, fish, janitorial stuff, but stuff Im good at.

Now . . the question is do i still have it??  I went to an   A.  A meeting last night and it was good to talk some of this out in the context of a history of alchohol abuse.  We can forget what our true capabilities are in addiction . . i never knew exactly what i was and was not really capable of when i was drinking obsessively.

I also made some pot cookies last night.  Nibbled a little on one.  Just enough to sleep good.

I managed to get down to the gym yesterday. Today I plan to really work out hard . . . I want to look and feel my best when Darrell and Ace get here.

So it seems like the good stuff i am doing is paying off . . . job interview, a soul searching chat with Derek which i never could have handled with any grace  if I had been drinking.

Here’s hoping i can keep it up under the pressures that are sure to come.

I am thinking about some of the bullshit Dana layed on me during her visit, it doesn’t get under my skin the way it used to . . . she made one remark;

“You could have been saved if you had been an activist.”  Like her??

I think what saved me over the years was NOT parading myself as an activist.  Darrell would surely NOT have tolerated that . . . because of our relationship.  How dare she make such a statement ..  I know i ought to laugh it off . . and I am trying.  and what, is she on a panel, a committee that decided my fate??  There’s a lot i could write about here . . but i will simply have to think about it and try to see it in context..

Wednesday 6-1-   (later)    I got the job!!!   I cannot believe it!!   I was interviewed by a tall, thin French chef  with a black fleece shirt that was zipped to the chin.  Languid and elegant.  He asked me:

(imagine this with a French accent and a wink at the end)  so how do you feel about working with a couple of French guys eh?” wink.  Is he kidding??? Is he kidding??  it sure is going to beat cleaning toilets.   Now I wonder, how is he going to like working with this elephatine butt bumping around in that tiny kitchen??  Funny, I interviewed for a janitorial job earlier in the morning and the interviewer questioned me like it was the job of the century.  The French chef said . . I can see you have a good attitude . . . can you handle a knife . . and that was about it.  Now, I get to learn some new cuisine . . . and if I am too Slow Elk for this, well then, I have something that will look good on my resume .

Saturday

Saturday market day!!  It’s not raining!!  Darrell came back without Ace.  The trip to the rez seems to have done him some good, his head was swimming with tales and high energy . . it’s given him back his confidence . . but there’s something repellent to me that is in his spirit as well.  I can’t believe i came to accept certian things .

Much to do today.  I found some sytrofoam heads at a garage sale and I painted them in acryllic last night to use as hat models.  However the faces are unattractive, almost goulish . .barred teeth, wide eyes,  like something out of Bosch. painting the zombies Maybe they were intended for Halloween . . . but i softened them up a bit, did not emphasis moles and stuff.  they are all dark tan mono color because i didn’t have time to dicker with the features, but i intend to paint on lips and eyes and eyelashes and pretty up these guys in the next couple of days .

The whole idea of the thing . . taking these Bosch like heads and putting some cosmetics on them and using them to model my hats is rather amusing. perhaps it is a good metiphor .

metiphor for what?  that’s for me to know.

285835d7-e4b2-4163-b359-62cbfa604c8ef869cda2-08b4-44f9-a977-7f8945b13ee2(1)

Sunday 6/5/16

I’ve been caught up in the Roots mini series, as i suspect, many , many Americans are.  Wow!  Intensely moving.  It’s a story that needs to be retold, remembered.

I was thinking that I wish the story of chicken George and his life in England could have been expanded.  That would have been quite interesting.  How did Chicken George find conditions of the poor in England at the time. How was he treated. Did he have a lot of freedom??  Did he like certian aspects of European life??  Who did he hang out with?    What did he do with his time? Was he a guest, a friend of the aristocrats?  did he slum with the poor?  Did he find a girl friend?  A brothel or two ?  I mean, he was there for 20 years . . he didn’t just moon around calling out “Morning dove” the whole time.  Expanding this chapter might have been an oppurtunity to compare the two cultures and their attitudes towards black people, slaves . . . and the role that cotten played in their entwined economies.  England had outlawed the slave trade  in the 18th century . . that gave them the moral high ground . . or at least they could play the moral high ground, but they depended on cotten.  The empire depended on American cotten, and the plantation system that produced it. ( sort of the way we depend on the slave labor of Wallmart towns)  England was where the plantation system started, and still continued in Ireland and elsewhere.  The industrial revolution in England  displaced so many peoples from their rural life and cottage industries and put them into the factories in the cities.  The poverty of these ‘lower classes’ and their explotation was horrific.  How would Chicken George have seen that?  How would he have compared it to the conditions of slavery?? When you watch shows like upstairs , downstairs or Downton Abbey it’s very charming but the downstairs people didn’t have a family life, or their own cabins . . . they went to their little rooms at the end of their work day.  They say that when sitting Bull was touring Europe with the Bufallo Bill show he felt so much pity for the street urchins that he gave away all the the money he made to them.

Which was more brutal??  the thing about slavery is that wether the treatment was brutal or benevolent . . it was arbitrary, depending on the master. No doubt, there were plantations where the relations between slaves and the house were close, almost like family, people being people, but most often it was not.  they could do what they wanted.

 

A couple of things i really liked about this miniseries . . . the emphasis on historical accuracy, especially about West Africa.  The urban sophistication came as a surprise to me, although i knew it existed in the past, places like Mali,  I imagine it was a learning experience for  a lot of other people as well.  I also liked the way the miniseries focused on the development of music. Very significant.

But just like the original roots . . there were no good white people, or ambivolent soul searching white people,  even the abolitionists were made to look like fools . . and all the black people were noble. Yup, Chicken George spent 20 years in London or where ever he was , calling out “Morning Dove” and waiting , waiting . . .remembering that his name was his spirit . . .come one, i bet he was blasted on gin  in Whitechapel on his time off.

maybe there’s a reason the people that did the mini series make no mention of the British Empire . . without going into the new world order stuff . . . or Illuminati theory . . . I mean, it’s still there, in a different form.

These days they can trace ancestry a lot farther than they could a few decades ago, and DNA evidence can really surprise the hell out of people . . . the discovery of DNA really blew racial theories out of the water for good.  i watched the Henry Gates shows on family trees and it was interesting as hell. I wonder what my DNA would say about me . . . on my mother’s side my Dad was able to trace her roots to the beginning of the 19th century in Tyronne,I think.  I said i thought it would be interesting to find out more of their history .  . .and he shrugged it off, who cares.  But actually that’s when Irish history starts to get interesing . .Bonny Prince Charlie and all that.

 

June 7

Sad, but not crying. never cry any more. A final cut between Darrell and I.  He had a pic in his glove compartment of his ‘other’ sweety . . promising to go with him on the next trip love and xxs.  Then he yells at me for opening his glove compartment to look for a pen.  His aunty told me he had a woman on the side, that he was showing this pic around and saying it was his woman. She told me to let go, that he had no respect for me.    All that, while I drove him to Standing Rock and up to St. Cloud, sent him a Verizon phone , kept his power on and cleaned up his trashed apartment in readiness . . . i didn’t really expect anything in return.  It was kind of a last labor of love before I let go. I knew i was going to have to cut ties.   Then he tells everyone on the rez that I am no damn good. Not worthy. But then . . he’s been doing that for 20 years.  His meaness the past few years was just treating me the way i treated him back when he lived with me. God, i was his life line back then, I put so much support into him when he was on the streets drinking , i never just abandoned him . got mad a few times.   but I guess that was his routine . . . whipping up anger against me and calling the stuff that developed Karma, pay back .   But right now . . . i don’t even care. I  There’s no pain, no anger . . no belief that reinforcing love will make all the orchestrated hate go away . . . . I know that there is no future. He even admiteed, years ago, that the forces for Evil were stronger than the forces of good.  But Im still here.

I went out and bought beads yesterday and began beading agin . . it’s my way of healing , taking back myself after the destructiveness of the past year.

Even rita R. admits that there was a murder plot up here . . a conspiracy.  No one has the guts to expose it though,call it out . . . .I fear for the future no matter what happens, who is elected. I still suspect that Trump is controlled Opposition . . playing a cartoon xenophobe to demonize the legitimate angers and frustrations of people beginning to catch on.

I will Miss Darrell because he is one of the few people who always knew the big picture, who knew what was going on . . even if he played dumb,the charmer and a whole pallette of other roles here. he was in fact a very intellegent man, and in many ways a good one.  Like the girl with the curl when he was good, he was very very good, and when he was bad . . he was epic.. period.    I would, I did, handle everything that got thrown at me for his sake . and would have continued to. .  if only he had had the integrety to respect me and deal with me honestly. he could have been honest about this other lady instead of trying to get me to do stuff for him one more time, which has to do with subordination . . not love.  So I am in the right in cutting off the remaining ties.  I know, there’s people out here who consider this a victory for Darrell, and themselves . . i can see it in their faces.  But it isn’t.  Not a spiritual one.  Not a victory of anything remotely strong hearted.and certianly not moral.   it is a victory of  deciet. of bullshit.  and ultimately of a darker conspiracy than most people realize.

Friday 6-10-16

 

I began classes this week to become a HCA.  A HCA is no great acheivement but it is practical . . and better than sitting around doing nothing.  My French Chef never did call back . . after giving me the job.  I imagine these HCA credentials will come in handy in the upcoming years . . everyone I know is falling apart and seems to need a care giver.

Sunday

Tired. built a chicken wire fence for the beans , weeded and watered. Darrell is being sociable and we are friends again.  We had dinner last night and it was pleasent. I repaired his ripped up, crumpled jacket and boy did that make him happy.  i think Darrell was like that jacket, ripped up, unraveled, needed some care . . now he is the Darrell I know, doing his art work.

Not much to write of.  I’ve been busy all day.  Tommarrow it’s back to classes all week.

Monday A.M

Just a few minutes before i must pack my lunch.  Newscaster lemon made the statement that the Orlando shootings were the worst shootings in U.S History . . . I would venture to say that the Indian wars , particularly Wounded Knee were the worst mass shootings in U.S History . . .but Indian country doesn’t exist in mainstream media.  But that was government doing that . . not a ‘lone wolf’. Part of the reason few Indians support taking away all the guns . . . I suspect we will have some draconian legislation now.

Wednesday

Depressed this morning. and mad at my6self for falling for Darrell’s game again.  jeez.  what does it take to quit hoping . . to see the truth, not some of the time but ALL of the time.  Why do i Still want him to be a friend?? Why do i still hope that i can have him in my life in some manageable way when almost every encounter ends in anger and pain withhim spewing his hate  on me, my family, my place, everything, spouting about how he doesn’t care and so on . . he called me up and said he said he had something for me, although i was tired and didn’t really want to go over I did . . he payed me back 10 bucks.  that was the big surprise. I offered to go get a pizza and then, not only knocked over his spitoon, which was really gross, but bumped his foot which sent him into a torrent of abuse . . telling me to get my pizza and go, get out.  i got the pizza and returned for my backback and of course, the pizza and i got thrown out.  Now i have my phone over there . . i am determined to just leave it there and get another one come the 20th, like i can afford it.  I have to focus ALL my energies on these classes right now and they are long, intense . . i can’t be distracted by relationship bullshit.

It’s funny . . everyone makes all these judgements . . but when I start bettering myself, and am successfull, then everyone starts acting up, getting funny. their true selves come out.   Even my Mom was not enthusiastic and i could tell that deep down inside she didn’t want me to suceed.  The few so called friends i do have show real jealousy whenver i am good at something, or something good comes my way . . that means i have no authentic support system among the people i consider the closest to me.

I have some things running through my mind about what I have termed over the years as ‘media attack’ . . years ago i called it the vendetta . . . i guess it’s being discussed again and explained away as ‘consequences, for my lies,  smear and slander  . . . . that’s always been the liberal rational . . .we HAD to do something.  That isn’t really true.  They need to believe that . . but it isn’t true.   I have something different to say about it but not right now.  i need to get to class. .

6-16 2016

Half way through classes.  practiced wiping butts, brushing teeth , cleaning dentures, placing clients in wheelchairs correctly and turning  yesterday.

Am thinking about how  I can apply what I am learning about caregiving, it’s principals and philosophy to my own personal sphere. here in WA caregiving staff endeavors to encourage clients to live as independently as possible . . . a long ways from the days of institutionalization.  The principals of.C.H.I.R.P.S for example . . endeavoring to help the clients needs for competance, health and safety, independance, relationships and status.  i can see where i failed in the eys of many people in the caretaking professions in my relationship with Darrell, and i can see why.  In letting him stay with me I WAS looking after his health and safety . . even though others did not see our private life, only through the filter of Darrell on the streets . . . In some ways I helped him find status through his art recognition by taking on the business end of the printing and marketing, but I had a hard time learning to let him do things the way he wanted when it seemed foolish or self destructive to me . . and sometimes i was wrong. I regret now persueding him to return his tablet .  it was one of the few buyuing decisions he made living with me, other than beer and ciggys, and I thought that it would get stolden because he was partying  and doing drugs in motel rooms with girls from the streets . . . .I regret that now.  perhaps i was resentfull of the money being spent on motel rooms with these street girls . . and the rebellion against my ‘controll’ as he saw it.  Would they have rather i just abandoned him? What exactly did they want from me . . that they felt they must take charge of Darrell and foster his independance and cut me out as if i had been a bad mother.  I have to admit  . . . that their philospy was essential right and i was missing somethings in my altruism . . .but it must be remembered that Darrrell was not developmentally disabled . . although he had become physically handicapped.

i believe I understand somewhat what native mothers must have felt when the State workers, mostly white women, stepped in to remove children to a ‘better environment’ . . . .as if they had failed . . as if if the conditions that created so much alchoholism , despair, isolation and often abuse were not created by the same white people who removed children to ‘better environments’ that they controlled.  it’s got to be the most painfull feeling . . my journals are full of pain over this chapter . . when i felt i had contribbuted a great deal to this community by doing what i could on Darrell’s behalf . . i did not have the resources and time that a professional social worker did.  i didn’t get paid to empower him . . . I had to work, i was often exhausted when i came home . . and i could nto force him to make those trips to doctors and social security.  So i ended up being essentiall demonized, which exists to this day, by the very people who derive their status from caretaking . . by the books . . . and i was  cast as the abuser.  I often used to write that i felt that the State , and its minions wanted to replace my role with themselves.

Now I am thinking about how I can apply these principals to my current relationship with Darrell . . he is being a spitefull brat . . what does that behavior mean?  How can i understand it without personalising, or letting my buttons get pushed.  Is he trying to reestablish power and status . . . in the wake of dissapointments that have left him un anchored, without t.v.   If his rage episodes have become detrimental to me ,or even a very real life threat how do i deal with that.  Do i back away? Treat it as threat? or try to mend that crumpled jacket??

And how do I apply what I am learning in my classes to my own family of origen and all the power dynamics that go on there . . and there is another ‘really mad at karen enough is enough’ chapter going on right now . . which really upset me when i heard of it yesterday and made me cry . . .but now I am in more of a shrug and who cares about them . . quit trying to integrate at all mood.

Much to think about.

Am thinking too about patterns of people sabotaging my desire to get schooling in the past. I realize that these patterns go way back, again the people I loved and admired the most were the ones who emotionally sabotaged my attempts to better myself.  Especially Kennedy and, alas, Derek . . .and Mom, back before i moved out. Will examine it later.

Friday

It’s 3 a.M. Im up with an abbcessed molar that has in turn created a painful urinary tract infection as well.  I had to put off dental attention this week.

Now Im in real misery.

Today is test day. One of them.   I might as well review my skills while Im up with my swollen jaw.   Here’s hoping I don’t fall over, or fall asleep today.  Got a little positive reinforcement yesterday . . then Darrell’s cousin messaged me and ran some scam by me about winning some money from United Nations . . i was mildly curious for about 15 minutes, even though i was suspicious at once . . It’s just that this cousin of his is some one i considered trustworthy, professional . . or i wouldn’t have given it a second glance . . perhaps it was some one hacking into my FB friends and posing as her . Like i said . . . everyone and everything is trying to f with me, distract me . . but Im not going to let it.  I set out to do some things and Im going to do them . . . That drunk sitting in her arm chair ruminating was the end result  of an accumulation of bad stuff . . . it’s not the real me, although when i am that depressed it certianly feels like i can do nothing, am nothing, can accomplish nothing . . but my trip to Standing Rock and then St. Cloud bolstered my confidence . . . I have what it takes to meet my goals, to weather some tough stuff, we are going to win this one.

Saturday

Raining again . . .every damn Saturday.  That’s an average of about 70 bucks I won’t have at the end of 5 hours of chatting and displaying my wares. I passed my test. I can now start work.  I must do the state exam yet.  I don’t know if this is a line of work that I am tempermentally suited for . . it takes a special kind of person and i don’t think I am it, but this could prove to be valuable training for the upcoming years . . . and it’s a start.  I originally planned to get certified as a care giver so i could look after Darrell, and get paid . . since i was doing it any way but all that does not look feasable now. For one thing, if i became his legal caretaker . . . then any incident that is now simply difunction or domestic abuse . . . could have legal leverage, with serious consequences.  I have no doubt he would try to construe any incident as elder abuse . . .since that fits in with the pattern . . .so i could never , ever become Darrell’s legal caretaker.  As for my mother . . . My own family would probably set up barriers to that . . although, i could in a non professional capacity use the skills i’ve learned in some way.  I could perhaps get a job at a nursing home near the St. Cloud area.  God knows . . . if I stay focused on taking my job seriously and staying sober and regaining trust . . then I nver have to really worry about finding work, of having to do work that is physically demanding again . . caretaking is demanding, but it ‘s not like doing fish,or janitorial or restuarant.     Of course, there are other fields I can persue while Im doing this . . . and if my social security gets pulled Im not facing desperate choices . . .

I was having anxiety attacks last night.  Fell asleep and had the most peculiar dream;

I was sitting on the livingroom couch in the house i grew up in.  On the radio they were playing O’Carolan’s farewell to music.  It was a very somber version, and orchestrated, with little ornimentation . . almost plodding.  I thought i know that tune by heart . . and they are doing it all wrong.  I had Derek’s violin beside me and I started to play along, trying to add the embellishments and ‘style’ of my own . . but i could not play anymore.  My finger knew what to do but i could not make a sound.  The violin did not produce any sound.  I looked up and saw a bee . . or maybe a wasp . . then I saw a few more, and a few more . . then a swarm gathering . . . I set the violin down and tried to leave the living room, but my jaw was swollen and i felt partially paralized, too septic to move.  I saw my Dad in the kitchen.  He had just returned from grocery shopping.  I tried to call out to him for help and he saw me but i woke up at that point.

notes:  I used to play O’Carolan’s farewell to music a lot back when i moved to Eugene after ‘Derek Days’.  It’s beautifull and nuanced tune . . not difficult but requires an interpretation with heart, and can’t be played ‘by the book’.    In the dream i find I can no longer play it . . I can not effectively make any kind of noise, speak or play violin . . I am almost mute.  I am able to signal in the dream  but i woke up at that point.

Tuesday

orientation day!  Made Peace with Darrell.  Ended up forgiving him . . took a while . . but i always capitulate.  I miss his company too much.  I took out a small draw and got some treats . . .some chicken teriyaki, a couple of summer tops for myself and a few things for Darrell, a dances with wolves c.d., tobacco,gas money . . and i made up some chow.  So we watched Dances with wolves and all was well.  As for the ‘other woman’ . . unless it’s his neighbor, i don’t see anyone coming around . . maybe some one is Standing Rock . . . I’ll consider it his vacation . . . two ways to deal with that . . outrage and hurt at lies and disrespect . . or trying to upgrade ones feminine charms.  Have i let myself go too much?  Not been meeting his needs?

All is well today.  and that’s all that counts.  Feeling like Balence is restored again.  I may go halves with him on a pay as you go tablet . . .that way he can get netflicks, facebook, play games . . . I think i will  buy the thing and then he can pay the monthly charges from there . . .much cheaper that way.

Wednesday

Was  supposed to shadow train tonight.  Went swimming this morning to get ready and it seemed to activate physical problems I was trying to ignore.

Really bad head ache set in, got really flushed, asthma kicked in, I felt sick to stomach.  I’ve been weathering some diareha and wondering what the problem was and now i suspect it is an allergy to penicillian.  I was diagnosised with that years and years ago, but they gave penicillian to me anyway for my molar.  So I have the night off. Must address that tooth now, pronto.  Ifophrophen and i do not get along.  neither do I and penicillian.  I still have a urinary tract  infection too, but it’s managable. . but at least my kidneys aren’t acting up the way they were.  Don’t know why these infections are not clearing up by now . . maybe i caught something from Darrell????  Dang.  Seems like i am always seriously sick with something . . this isn’t that serious . . but it could be, it could have gone septic.

 

Thursday

Watching Hillary and Trump go at each other and the way the media dissects this is horrifying and depressing.  it brings up awfull memories of all those years when media decided to ‘expose the truth about Karen’ . . all the vicious hate that was and still is in that.  I saw that hatred of ‘the vile woman’ that started around 2001 . . . transfered to other prominant women over the years . . the wording, the rhetoric often identical.  Hillary was one of them.  Before that , Sarah Palin. The left had plenty of venom towards Michele Bachman, and others.  At the time, there was censure and debate about this climate of hate . . . that no longer exists.  its become normal.  We can no longer even SEE the level of incivility as wrong, much less pathological.  Some one on MSNBC earlier this morning made a casual remark in passing about how so and so hates Clinton just like EVERYONE ELSE .  And this is about a Democrat! I  used to  read the commentary sections of Alex Jones and Huffington to get an idea of what people were thinking and i was shocked. Especially, after the Beshiar remarks about Sarah Palin having to eat feces.  It scared me to think that the will to violence and degradation,was so massive in this country . . both from the right and the left.  Karl Rove charecterized it as ‘Mysogany run rampant . . and the thing i could never get is the willingness of women to join in, with equal ferocity on other women.

What’s with this automatic Hillary is a great liar . . compared to what?  Bush??  Trump??         Hillary is this wrecking ball of destruction and corruption?? Responsible for all these foreign policy faliures?? The rise of ISIS??   and people respond to this hatemongering?? Accept it??  I see plenty of young people here in town who automaticically hate Clinton because they don’t trust her, they think she is a liar, a force of destruction . . and a loser?? A loser?? Really??  She seems to be a cunning and skilled diplomat and politician . . glib yes, a person whose message is carefully scripted, yes . . she and Bill have had their fingers in many shady dealings in the past . . some even believe they had a kill list . . ive read it.  But she is no dummy.  and much of the foreign policy faliures were crafted in the Bush years.  Including NAFTA.

I believe . . and here i go, overpersonalizing it will be said . . . .a lot of that energy is stuff that is still floating around from opinions regarding Karen and Darrell stuff.  I was always accused of being a liar when i spoke of our problems and history, or defended myself against charges of slutting around . . which became ‘truth’ by popular opinion.  Darrell always said he had no trust . . . but then, Darrell had no capacity for trust . . . he was often very disturbed in his supicions . . and deliberate in his misinformation missions.  The level of violence that was transfered to Sarah Palin  about 4 years ago was word for word the kind of violent intent I heard expressed towards me.  So now everyone is commenting on the level of vitrol by the presidential candidates . . who are harnessing energy that was

created by the media, or at least fostered by them years ago . . and they act like they can’t understand it.  Where did all this come from. The dems are seeing the results of ‘the climate of hate’ that they themselves fostered years ago.

Monday 27

Tired.  Trying to figure out the ins and outs of Therap. Taking notes on my clients ISP and ADLs.  So much to learn and remember.  those overnights are going to kill me . . not being able to stay awake.  But there’s lots of down time . . i can dig that,  not as rushed as mornings.  i get my first morning tommarrow.  Had a pretty good Day with Darrell . . cleared up some stuff that had been weighing on me, we went for a drive and I made up a chicken dinner with wild rice.  I have been a busy girl.  Pleased that I accomplished so much household re organization and got us both on track.  Took him to the library and he checked out some dvds to keep him entertained for a night or two.  Too tired to write about much . . . . I guess i ill go watch Barbarians and call it a night.

Thursday

A little down time.  Im doing my shadow training this week, pretty condensed

and so much to remember . . my god.  Me, so scattered that i notoriously leave a debris trail of forgotten jackets and bikes a mile wide.  I hope i can master this, lives depend on it.  Im taking it seriously . 

Much to write of, and i may  when it gets later and I have time on my hands.  Only to note that Dallass, Darrell’s brother got jumped in Bismark and was badly beaten and sustained sever head trauma. he has been missing for a while, and I’ve gotten several texts from people trying to find him.

 

the other day i reorganized the back bedroom . . . where Darrell did so much of his artwork once.  Much of it still hangs on the walls . . It’s been preserved . . . Miss Havesham’s Darrell SpottedHorse memorial.

These days he does not want to think about the past or be reminded of it. But how does one forget all THAT? How does one just shut the door on a story like that . . . throw out all the old wedding cake forks and moth eaten tableclothes and rats.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





May 2016

19 05 2016

May 20th . . . or something like that

b0622eca-2c8c-4cbb-9dd1-831f77982deb(1)

Selby Montana

I got stranded in Hauvre yesterday.  Stepped out of the train station and spent a few too many minutes too long at the nearby Casino/ bar and limped up , fast as a cow, as the train sped out.  Trains are not the city bus.  They don’t stop when you miss them by a fraction.

I played frantic at the train station and the desk person was helpfull and called the police station , who gave me a voucher for a night at the budget motel.  Not before i scouted the bars   looking for a ride to catch up with the train in Selby,  where it rested  for a bit.  No bites.  None of the Old guys playing poker at the Eagles or a number of other  hot spots were interested. and the few people that were , were loaded.  The train station attendent gave me a map . . . so i wouldn’t get confused.

Well, I spent the night at a welcome motel room with a lazy boy chair and a big t.v and a tub that had not been properly scrubbed since Lewis and Clark.After a much needed showder  I headed over to the store  nearby and bought some fried chicken . . .and a six pack of Slow Elk. Slow Elk was  a Native term for cattle. I loved the art . . . the worried cow, with elk antlers tied on . . That’s Indian humor . . . understood by whites . . at that moment, I relaxed, felt at home.  Perhaps these things happen for a reason.  I wondered if there was a secret scam to get train riders to linger a bit too much so they would spend a little money on Hauvre,  Boost up the bars.  I seemed like i was one of a multitude who had found themselves in this dilemma.  But i didn’t regret it . . .I needed the rest.  I could not believe it . . .I had forgotten my lunch in St. Cloud, composed mostly of fried chicken and here i was, in Hauvre , finally eating my fried chicken . . with a six pack of Slow elk, which, I realize now was quite appropriate.

M e and my Slow elk ( i know it is bad English but slow Elk and i just does not sound right) spent an evening watching a selection of surprisingly decent P. B.S and C span educational programming. Better than the selection at my folks in st. Cloud, MN. i concluded that Montana people were not only a bit sly, and self reliant, but engaged in political stuff , esp at the local level.

I swear  i got a kick out of everyone i met in Hauvre. The diners had Shoshoni artwork on the walls.  The Old guys came in and greeted everyone , joking around with the waitresses almost in caricature.  These are people with a cultural familiarity between Indian and White.

I spent the remaining hours at the library.  Libraries are libraries  no matter where you go.

There i retreated, after weeks on the road, to my elvan fantasy city building world for a while

(later)

Now we are headed out of Shelby .  I picked up all my crap. I am on the train again an i am nested with blanky and pillow, camera and yarns and toiletries restored..We are travelling too fast now to write.  the High plains break into platue hills as we head into the Rockies.

5/19/16

Home. Spent the day lazing around.  Catching up on Outlander.  I’ve been gone since the 3rd of May or so when I hopped a ride with Darrell and his nephew across the West to first, Standing Rock and then on to St. Cloud. I had my train ticket bought on the 3rd and was packed and ready to hop the train Eastward but at the last moment i took a chanch, against my better judgement,and hopped a ride instead. A leap of faith. This turned out to be an Epic journey. Dusty, Darrell’s nephew was drunk most of the way and Darrell would keep him supplied with beer and then periodically castigate him for being drunk. They had about 300 dollars of pot between the two of them and a great deal of it got smoked on the way.

That’s where i became useful.  I was the designated driver for a good portion of the drive, although I certianly got a contact high . . imagine that, ME, driving stoned, half way across the country with two stoned Lakota guys .  Just when they thought she was done, lost, she rises in an extrordanary act of daring and courage for an adventure. And makes it. In the driver’s seat this time . . unlike 1998 when both Darrell and I were, in our own ways captives to fate.  This was the return journey.  Played in reverse.

It could have been a scene out of Cheech and Chong, smoke pouring out of the truck windows all the way through cowboy towns.

Now the titters of interpretation of all that begins to send it’s ripples.  No doubt, Darrell, in Standing Rock has his.  I have mine, and put it into notebook but for the time being , Silence. For  many reasons. Mostly to create Peace. I did not want my visit to Standing rock and Mn to be followed up with any animosity toward my interpretation or description of things.  come home to WA and find that devastating charecter assasination via media has ruined my community relations . . again.

There were humerous episodes.  Frustrating episodes.  Pissed off episodes.  and fun episodes.  Darrell’s coming to my folk’s house may be layered in significance and i could write a lot about that . . but I choose not to. It’s deep and difficult.

Only to say that My frail, disoriented  mother won my admiration when she turned to my Dad  with  a resurgence of Irish awareness and sarcasm and in a low voice prodded him;”Whats the matter? ya scared?” then hobbled slowly out to the truck  on my arm and invited a petulant Darrell in to spend the night in the guest room down in the cool basement.  He responded to her warmth and came in.   So if one can imagine an exhausted, pot saturated, grumpy Darrell spending the night in a girl’s room, on a tiny bed with a flowered coverlet, underneath a weath of dried flowers and pictures of a younger karen on the wall . . everything smelling like Downy and fresh linen . . . boots sticking out the end of the bed . . .  . that was the end of our journey.  That was the historic meeting. The last time I rubbed his back.

In the morning, we rose early and Darrell did not stay for breakfast .  instead. in epic grumpyness, we got some coffee at Perkins and I showed him the route to the freeway.

He dropped (dumped) me off.

“We’ll see each other again ” he said.  I had locked us out so he peed on my Dad’s flowers and took off.  i did not tell my father about his flowers.

That’s going too far in my book. But perhaps, that symbolic act summed up the essence of our relationship.  . i can’t think of two worlds more dissimilar than Standing rock with it’s complete lack of any billboards or advertising clutter , it;s poverty and multitude of pheasents, wild turkeys and prarie chickens . . . . and St. Cloud, the essence of beorgeoisie materialism.

St. Cloud was funny towards me the following week.    I wasn’t of any importance one way or the other any more.  Just some wash up. A few people flipped me the bird.  A few eyed me with curiosity.  A few nodded and smiled.   I did hear  a few comments about “We got you.”from the younger women   and i thought . . . .what’s with the WE stuff . . if only they knew.  There IS no we.  Only in vindictive imagianations . . .but I wasn’t bout to start explaining anything.  Let it be.  Let it go.

I swam a lot. Stayed home and cooked up for my folks.  Got into a sewing project.  My mother is so diminished in so many ways now, her Alzhiemers is worse and it breaks my heart.  I was glad I had a chanch to visit with them while i could. Nothing went wrong.  There were no bad vibes.  We actually enjoyed ourselves.

Now I am home.  processing.  But what it was all about . . that’s my business and everyone else can just guess.  I don’t care what they think.

May 24th . . .

Here is the Clinton body count to date. All of these people have been connected with the Clintons in some form or another. Any deaths that could not be verified or connected to the Clinton scandals have been omitted.

Susan Coleman:
Rumors were circulating in Arkansas of an affair with Bill Clinton. She was
found dead with a gunshot wound to the head at 7 1/2 months pregnant. Death was
an apparent suicide.

Larry Guerrin:
Was killed in February 1987 while investigating the INSLAW case.

Kevin Ives & Don Henry: Initial cause of death was reported to be the result of
falling asleep on a railroad track in Arkansas on August 23, 1987. This ruling
was reported by the State medical examiner Fahmy Malak. Later it was determined
that Kevin died from a crushed skull prior to being placed on the tracks. Don
had been stabbed in the back.

Keith Coney:
Keith had information on the Ives/Henry deaths. Died in a motorcycle accident
in July 1988 with unconfirmed reports of a high speed car chase.

Keith McKaskle:
McKaskle has information on the Ives/Henry deaths. He was stabbed to death in
November 1988.

Gregory Collins: Greg
had information on the Ives/Henry deaths. He died from a gunshot wound to the
face in January 1989.

Jeff Rhodes:
He had information on the deaths of Ives, Henry & McKaskle. His burned body
was found in a trash dump in April 1989. He died of a gunshot wound to the head
and there was some body mutilation, leading to the probably speculation that he
was tortured prior to being killed.

James Milam:
Milam had information on the Ives & Henry deaths. He was decapitated. The
state Medical examiner, Fahmy Malak, ruled death due to natural causes.

Richard Winters: Winters
was a suspect in the deaths of Ives & Henry. He was killed in a
“robbery” in July 1989 which was subsequently proven to be a setup.

Jordan Kettleson:
Kettleson had information on the Ives & Henry deaths. He was found shot to
death in the front seat of his pickup in June 1990.

Alan Standorf: An
employee of the NSA in electronic intelligence. Standorf was a source of
information for Danny Casalaro who was investigating INSLAW, BCCI, etc.
Standorf’s body was found in the backseat of a car at Washington National
Airport on Jan 31, 1991.

Dennis Eisman:
An attorney with information on INSLAW. Eisman was found shot to death on April
5, 1991.

Danny Casalaro: Danny
was a free-lance reporter and writer who was investigating the “October
Surprise”, INSLAW and BCCI. Danny was found dead in a bathtub in a
Sheraton Hotel room in Martinsburg, West Virginia. Danny was staying at the
hotel while keeping appointments in the DC area pertinent to his investigation.
He was found with his wrists slashed. both of his wrists were cut 10 times. All
of his research materials were missing and have never been recovered.

Victor Raiser:
The National Finance Co-Chair for “Clinton for President.” He died in
a airplane crash on July 30, 1992.

R. Montgomery Raiser:
Also involved in the Clinton presidential campaign. He died in the same plane
crash as Victor.

Paul Tully:
Tulley was on the Democratic National Committee. He was found dead of unknown
causes in his hotel room on September 24, 1992. No autopsy was ever allowed.

Ian Spiro:
Spiro had supporting documentation for grand jury proceedings on the INSLAW
case. His wife and 3 children were found murdered on November 1, 1992 in their
home. They all died of gunshot wounds to the head. Ian’s body was found several
days later in a parked car in the Borego Desert. Cause of death? The ingestion
of cyanide.

Paula Gober:
A Clinton speech writer. She died in a car accident on December 9, 1992 with no
known witnesses.

Jim Wilhite:
Wilhite was an associate of Mack McClarty’s former firm. Wilhite died in a
skiing accident on December 21, 1992. He also had extensive ties to Clinton
with whom he visited by telephone just hours before his death.

Steve Willis, Robert Williams, Todd McKeahan & Conway LeBleu: Died Feburary 28, 1993 by
gunfire at Waco. All four were examined by a pathologist and died from
identical wounds to the left temple. All four had been body guards for Bill
Clinton, three while campaigning for President and when he was Governor of
Arkansas.They also were the ONLY 4 BATF agents killed at Waco.

Sgt. Brian Haney, Sgt. Tim Sabel, Maj. William Barkley, Capt. Scott
Reynolds: Died:
May 19, 1993 – All four men died when their helicopter crashed in the woods
near Quantico, Va. – Reporters were barred from the site, and the head of the
fire department responding to the crash described it by saying, “Security
was tight,” with “lots of Marines with guns.” A videotape made
by a firefighter was seized by the Marines. All four men had escorted Clinton
on his flight to the carrier Roosevelt shortly before their deaths.

John Crawford:
An attorney with information on INSLAW. He died from a heart attack in Tacoma
in April of 1993.

John Wilson:
Found dead from an apparent hanging suicide on May 18, 1993. He was a former
Washington DC council member and claimed to have info on Whitewater.

Paul Wilcher: A
lawyer who was investigating drug running out of Mena, Arkansas and who also
sought to expose the “October Surprise”, BCCI and INSLAW. He was
found in his Washington DC apartment dead of unknown causes on June 22, 1993.

Vincent Foster:
A White House deputy counsel and long-time personal friend of Bill and
Hillary’s. Found on July 20, 1993, dead of a gunshot wound to the mouth — a
death ruled suicide

Jon Parnell Walker:
An investigator for the RTC who was looking into the linkage between the Whitewater
and Madison S&L bankruptcy. Walker “fell” from the top of the
Lincoln Towers Building.

Stanley Heard & Steven Dickson: They were members of the Clinton
health care advisory committee. They died in a plane crash on September 10,
1993.

Jerry Luther Parks:
Parks was the Chief of Security for Clinton’s national campaign headquarters in
Little Rock. Gunned down in his car on September 26, 1993 near the intersection
of Chenal Parkway and Highway 10 west of Little Rock. Parks was shot through
the rear window of his car. The assailant then pulled around to the driver’s
side of Park’s car and shot him three more times with a 9mm pistol. His family
reported that shortly before his death, they were being followed by unknown
persons, and their home had been broken into (despite a top quality alarm
system). Parks had been compiling a dossier on Clinton’s illicit activities.
The dossier was stolen.

Ed Willey:
A Clinton fundraiser. He died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound on November 30,
1993. His death came the same day his wife, Kathleen, was sexually assaulted in
the White House by Bill Clinton.

Gandy Baugh:
Baugh was Lasater’s attorney and committed suicide on January 8, 1994. Baugh’s
partner committed suicide exactly one month later on February 8, 1994.

Herschell Friday: A
member of the presidential campaign finance committee. He died in an airplane
explosion on March 1, 1994.

Ronald Rogers:
Rogers died on March 3, 1994 just prior to releasing sensitive information to a
London newspaper. Cause of death? Undetermined.

Kathy Furguson:
A 38 year old hospital worker whose ex-husband is a co- defendant in the Paula
Jones sexual harassment law suit. She had information supporting Paula Jone’s
allegations. She died of an apparent suicide on May 11, 1994 from a gunshot
wound to the head.

Bill Shelton:
Shelton was an Arkansas police officer and was found dead as an apparent
suicide on kathy Ferguson’s grave (Kathy was his girl friend), on June 12,
1994. This “suicide” was the result of a gunshot wound to the back of
the head.

Stanley Huggins:
Huggins, 46, was a principal in a Memphis law firm which headed a 1987
investigation into the loan practices of Madison Guaranty S&L. Stanley died
in Delaware in July 1994 — reported cause of death was viral pneumonia.

Paul Olson:
A Federal witness in investigations to drug money corruption in Chicago
politics, Paul had just finished 2 days of FBI interviews when his plane ride
home crashed, killing Paul and 130 others on Sept 8 1994. The Sept. 15, 1994
Tempe Tribune newspaper reported that the FBI suspected that a bomb had brought
down the airplane.

Calvin Walraven:
24 year old Walraven was a key witness against Jocelyn Elder’s son’s drug case.
Walraven was found dead in his apartment with a gunshot wound to the head. Tim
Hover, a Little Rock police spokesman says no foul play is suspected.

Alan G. Whicher:
Oversaw Clinton’s Secret Service detail. In October 1994 Whicher was
transferred to the Secret Service field office in the Murrah Building in
Oklahoma City. Whatever warning was given to the BATF agents in that building
did not reach Alan Whicher, who died in the bomb blast of April 19th 1995.

Duane Garrett:
Died July 26, 1995-A lawyer and a talk show host for KGO-AM in San Fransisco,
Duane was the campaign finance chairman for Diane Fienstien’s run for the
senate, and was a friend and fundraiser for Al Gore. Garrett was under
investigation for defrauding investors in Garrett’s failed sports memorabilia
venture. There was talk of a deal to evade prosecution. On July 26th, Garrett
canceled an afternoon meeting with his lawyer because he had to meet some
people at the San Fransisco airport. Three hours later he was found floating in
the bay under the Golden Gate Bridge.

Ron Brown:.
The Commerce Secretary died on April 3, 1996, in an Air Force jet
carrying Brown and 34 others, including 14 business executives on a trade
mission to Croatia, crashed into a mountainside. The Air Force, in a 22-volume
report issued in June of 1996, confirmed its initial judgment that the crash
resulted from pilot errors and faulty navigation equipment At the time of
Brown’s death, Independent Counsel Daniel Pearson was seeking to determine
whether Brown had engaged in several sham financial transactions with longtime
business partner Nolanda Hill shortly before he became secretary of commerce.

Charles Meissner:
died: UNK – Following Ron Brown’s death, John Huang was placed on a Commerce
Department contract that allowed him to retain his security clearance

by Charles Meissner. Shortly thereafter, Meissner died in the crash of a small
plane. He was an Assistant Secretary of Commerce for International
Economic Policy.

William Colby:
Retired CIA director was found dead on May 6,1996 after his wife reported him
missing on April 27,1996. Apparently, Colby decided to go on a impromptu
canoeing excursion and never returned. Colby who had just started writing for
Strategic Investment newsletter, worried many in the intelligent community.
Colby’s past history of divulging CIA secrets in the past were well known.
Strategic Investor had covered the Vince Foster suicide and had hired
handwriting experts to review Foster’s suicide note.

Admiral Jeremy Boorda:
Died on May 16,1996 after he went home for lunch and decided to shoot himself
in the chest (twice) rather than be interviewed by Newsweek magazine that
afternoon.

Lance Herndon:
Herndon a 41 year old computer specialist and a prominent entrepreneur
who received a presidential appointment in 1995 died August 10, 1996 under
suspicious circumstances. He appeared to have died from a blow to the
head. Police said no weapons were found at his mansion, adding that Mr.
Herndon had not been shot or stabbed and there was no evidence of forced entry
or theft.

Neil Moody:
Died -August 25, 1996 Following Vincent Foster’s murder, Lisa Foster married
James Moody, a judge in Arkansas, on Jan 1, 1996. Near the time Susan McDougal
first went to jail for contempt, Judge Moor’s son, Neil died in a car crash.
There were other reports that Neil Moody had discovered something very
unsettling among his stepmother’s private papers and was threatening to go
public with it just prior to the beginning of the Democratic National
Convention. He was alleged to have been talking to Bob Woodward of the
Washington Post about a blockbuster story. Witnesses said they saw Neil Moody
sitting in his car arguing with another person just prior to His car suddenly
speeding off out of control and hitting a brick wall.

Barbara Wise:
Wise a 14-year Commerce Department employee found dead and partially naked in
her office following a long weekend. She worked in the same section as John
Huang. Officially, she is said to have died of natural causes.

Doug Adams: Died
January 7, 1997- A lawyer in Arkansas who got involved trying to help the
people who were being swindled out of their life savings. Adams was found in
his vehicle with a gunshot wound to his head in a Springfield Mo. hospital
parking lot.

Mary C. Mahoney:
25, murdered at the Georgetown Starbuck’s coffee bar over the 4th of July ’97
weekend. She was a former White House intern who worked with John Huang.
Apparently she knew Monica Lewinsky and her sexual encounters with Bill
Clinton. it has been said that Lewinsky told Linda Tripp that she did not want
to end up like Mahoney.

Ronald Miller:
Suddenly took ill on October 3rd,1997 and steadily worsened until his death 9
days later. (This pattern fits Ricin poisoning.) Owing to the strangeness of
the illness, doctors at the Integris Baptist Medical Center referred the matter
to the Oklahoma State Medical Examiner’s Office. The Oklahoma State Medical
Examiner’s Office promptly ran tests on samples of Ron Miller’s blood, but has
refused to release the results or even to confirm that the tests were ever
completed.

Sandy Hume:
On Sunday, February 22nd, 1998, Sandy Hume, the 28 year old son of journalist
Britt Hume, was reportedly found dead in his Arlington, Virginia home. Aside
from the statement that this was an “apparent” suicide, there remains
in place a total media blackout on this story, possibly out of concern that the
actual facts will not withstand public scrutiny. Worked for Hill magazine,
about Congress for Congress.

Jim McDougal:
Bill and Hillary Clinton friend, banker, and political ally, sent to prison
for eighteen felony convictions. A key whitewater witness, dies of a
heart attack on March, 8 1998. As of this writing allegations that he was given
an injection of the diuretic lasix has not been denied or confirmed.Died on
March 8, 1998

Johnny Lawhon: 29,
died March 29, 1998- The Arkansas transmission specialist who discovered a pile
of Whitewater documents in the trunk of an abandoned car on his property and
turned them over to Starr, was killed in a car wreck two weeks after the
McDougal death.. Details of the “accident” have been sketchy — even
from the local Little Rock newspaper.

Charles Wilbourne Miller: 63, was found dead of a gunshot wound to the head on
November 17, 1998 in a shallow pit about 300 yards from his ranch house
near Little Rock. Police found a .410 gauge shotgun near Miller’s body and a
Ruger .357-caliber revolver submerged in water. Investigators concluded the
Ruger was the weapon used by Miller to kill himself. Yet, two rounds in the
handgun’s cylinder had been spent.

He had long served as executive vice president and member of the board of
directors for a company called Alltel and was deeply involved in his own
software engineering company until the day he died. Alltel is the successor to
Jackson Stephens’ Systematics, the company that provided the software for the
White House’s “Big Brother” data base system and that was behind the administration’s
plan to develop the secret computer “Clipper” chip to bug every
phone, fax and email transmission in America.

Carlos Ghigliotti: 42, was found dead in his home just
outside of Washington D.C. on April 28, 2000. There was no sign of a break-in
or struggle at the firm of Infrared Technology where the badly decomposed
body of Ghigliotti was found. Ghigliotti had not been seen for several weeks, commercial
cleaning companies may have been contacted in order for the
offices to be cleaned.

Ghigliotti, a thermal
imaging analyst hired by the House Government Reform Committee to review tape
of the siege, said he determined the FBI fired shots on April 19, 1993.

Tony Moser: 41,
was killed as he crossed a street in Pine Bluff, Ark on on June 10, 2000.
Killed 10 days after being named a columnist for the Democrat-Gazette newspaper
and two days after penning a stinging indictment of political corruption in
Little Rock.

Police have concluded that
no charges will be filed against the unnamed driver of a 1995 Chevrolet pickup,
which hit Moser as he was walking alone in the middle of unlit Rhinehart Road
about 10:10 p.m

Police say they have ruled
out foul play and will file no charges against the driver because he was not
intoxicated and there was no sign of excessive speed.

 

May 26

Very tired today.  Had an early dr.s appointment. Dr. Sarvosy will be retiring in mid July.  He’s a very well liked person who cultivated sympathetic relationships with his patients.  I never did get any opiods out of him, but he fussed a lot over my asthma  and my lackadasical care.  I have to have my hips xrayed in the next day or two.  I’ve been in chronic pain for quite a while but it’s is becoming a serious handicap.  what will xrays do?  it isn’t the hip socket, it’s the nerves.

I’ve been running over to Darrell’s house , doing some cleaning and laundry . . hopefully, when he comes back with his son Ace next week he will settle down and rest.  A clean house goes a long way.  So I’ll run over a crock pot and a few lamps i borrowed and that ought to be that except for bringing over some chow the day before he arrives.  I have been knitting  together the unraveled sleeves of my own life the past few days.  Taking care of business, updating temp agency files, getting a bike ready to go.  Im still not ready to plunge into hard work . . still tired, managed to get in a swim but

I want to get in a few days of excercise and trim up, get my spark back before i head out . . however, I need cash pretty fast.  Hopefully, the Saturday market will be sunny on Saturday.

yeah . . the ‘clinton hit list’ is a trip . . . . . I cannot say  how true it may or may not be . . . .but it does raise one’s speculation to read the research.  Now  why don’t they tackle the real doozies . . like controlled demolition at OK bombing , pretty much proven . . and all the rumors and conspiracy theories over the years about how it was in reality , the destruction of damning evidence regarding stuff the clintons had stored there,or  how the O>K> was actually a black ops  to destroy the growing patriot movement orchestrated by clinton.   Again . . . don’t know how true or untrue any of hat is . . I did my own research years ago. I came to my own conclusions.  Only to say that it seems silly to keep harping about the email scandel when there’s bigger gristle to chew on.

May 30th 2016

Who did i talk to on the phone a bit ago but Derek.  Talk about diamonds and rust.  It was a brief conversation . . . the phone went out, but it was long enough for him to ask my forgiveness for having treated me shabby.  I never thought he mistreated me or treated me particularly shabby . . untill after we broke up.  He broke my heart  when he moved in with Susan but it wasn’t because he was trying to be unkind . . it was just the path he needed to take.  I was shattered . . haunted . . i carried him , and the pain mingled with memories of something deep and magical, like a secret chain wound tight around my thigh under my cloak . .for many years.  so many years ago. I remember the cat wailed  as he walked out the door of our oceanside  cabin. . . .the cat expressed all the howling grief i did not that dark night . i had pleaded: If you leave i will lose my soul.  he had replied: You had a soul when I met you.    In the months that followed i tried to act as if i had moved on . . thinking  my relations with Derek and Susan would be better, and my position in Newport depended on it . . so i went out and danced, and drank and tried to date . . . but my heart wasn’t there . . . something had sealed over my heart . . like two different worlds . . . . . and my surface self  could not reach it, not even when I tried to go back to college and could not write papers in my literature class . . because i could not access my self.  Literature brought back memories of Derek , writting his poems, of the ocean, our cabin,the many discussions of literature . . . so I blocked it.  When dissacotiation didn’t do it, i drank heavily, so heavily i lost myself and my knowlege of who i was for many years .  I had lost my soul . . . yet i was always trying to find it. . .and everyttime i returned to Newport i was retraumatized and became crazier and crazier.  Now, when i feel like I am back to the person i was,feeling centered, happy to read lao Tzu in the evenings . . then comes the call . . out of past . . .diamonds and rust.

Asking forgiveness . . . and i do i want to remember all that pain now? all that loss?  all that passion?  i doubt if his mind ever skips too deep on the subject . . I am probably one of many people he felt he wanted to make amends to . . and that’s alright.

That’s one of the things about getting older . . . .it doesn’t matter . though nothing can bring back the hour, of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower, We will grieve not.

Tuesday

Darrell will be back in a few days, or at least that is the plan. He is bringing Ace this time. THIS time i plan to keep a distance.  It is the advice of all concerned. It will be hard to resist the ingrained patterns of trying to be nice, to help out . . as if that ever helped in the past.  But the less said of all that the better.  i can handle these things now without writting it all out . . it’s none of thier business.

Had Dana and some ladies, Sally and Thelma over the other day and we swapped jewelry and hats.  I feel pretty satisfied with mine.  Dana scored some of my good beaded earrings off me for pretty cheap.  I don;t plan to sell any beadwork this season anyway.  I have no beads and i don’t like having a display unless i have an adequate display.

I am thinking further on Derek days and the trajectory that followed .  I remember susan coming to the restuarnt where i worked and telling me to leave town, accused me of trying to destroy her marriage. it seemed that she and Derek were now the golden couple in newport (so they believed)  and i was cast as the interloper . . . when in my book, it was reversed,  we had been the golden couple that came out on a shoestring and forged an adventure and life for ourselves.  i capitulated without a fight.      In those days, i felt removing myself from constant heartache into a different environment would be wise, so i left town,with the restored violin that had belonged to Derek’s great grandfather and a stack of music donated by local musicians.

I returned to the Eugen I had left and found myself all alone.  I hadn’t anticipated this when i returned. I had had a lot of friends.  But most of the hippy pot growers Id known were moving into yuppy circles and were very carefull to cut themselves off from anyone who who was associated with their former lifestyle . . .Only Richard came to visit.  he too was feeling a bit abandoned by old associates and his girlfriend, now an up and coming lawyer.

He was, in fact a criminal, a very smart one who had paid his friend to take the rap, do the jail time, when he got caught in the largest pot bust in Oregon history at that time. His formal title untill then: the county weed commisioner.  Now he lived off the interest of a  mere million dollars, most of it invested.  You’d never know it.  He couldn’t be more low key . . ratty second hand furniture, not even a proper bed . . the upper floor of his cheap apartment in the mission area turned into an indoor green house.

SO I spent my days trimming pot for my friend  to make a few extra bucks.  Drinking lots of beer and playing that violin.  Day in and day out I practiced scale studies and etudes. I played Vivaldi and a lot of Celtic music, some Appalachian.                                                             Oregon was going through a recession then, little work to be found. And the skin heads were starting to move in.  A once warm world of friends in and out of my place, dinner parties, work in the pot fields, adventures and a lot of laughter and story telling . had suddenly gone cold.

One day Jack Wennstrom stepped out of the shadows in my ally and recognized me.  Derek and I had visited him once at the famous artist’s flophouse by the sea, the Gilmore Hotel in Newport , where he lived.  This was when it had not yet been renovated,or turned into a cult legend by Eddy Cameron the cartoonist.

Jack held a Valentine’s day art exhibit.  He was a painter.  Many of his own paintings are of the many shacks in that place called Nye Beach  and in his own way he imortalized that time period as much as any others. More.   Id run into Derek, after we split up, in the rain by a flyer for that Valentine’s day exhibit .  In a wry sort of nostalgia we made that trip to the run down Gilmore for the exhibit.  That was my introduction to the world of the Gilmore, the world of Mike Marsh, Ed Cameron, Jack Wennstrom and others.  It would play a big part in my life in the years that followed.  I remember Jack sitting there with the relaxation of a cat observing the people who came to see his art and the art of others.

Their were paintings, a cake with pink frosting, a bowl of red hots,various thing and strung from the ceiling was a large acrylic red heart with a fishing hook on the bottom.  I reacted viscerally.  Derek chided me, but i could see that jack looked at me with a more appreciative interest and immediately took a dislike to Derek, who he always found in authentic.

My affair with jack began when he stepped out of the shadows of my ally a year later in eugen.  it only lasted a year, and be both agreed that it would remain casual with no expectations and we both liked it that way.  I remember coming to visit him at the Gilmore after that and watching him paint in his small room while the sun settled over the ocean, Bach piano conceritos on the sterio . . and feeling happy, at peace for the first time in a long time.  But Jack was that baited heart.  He had  hooks to him.  And i felt a keen sense of dissconnection when I finally ceased to visit . . it was my lifeline back to Newport, where i felt my soul had played out it’s  sstory

i drifted for a while, living a half life,and all the high drama faided away and i became just some drunk, doing restuarant work and living on unemployment.

Eventually I took flight home to my family and that began another chapter, which would once again bring me back to the Gilmore hotel and the Lamson family circle.  With devastating consequences that ended with me alone on the streets of Minneapolis, in winter, cut off from family in 1990. Eventually fate cast Darrell and i together. it’s as if all this had been prelude. We were destined to meet.

A lot of the liberal elite mockery , the intensity of grudge and hatred that i went through when I settled back here in Bellingham . . is rooted in these earlier days.

And what did i learn?  What did i set out to do. to prove? I suppose . . .Darrell and I were a force out of Minneapolis that had it’s own power . . .that challenged the attitudes of the liberal eliteas well as the ingrained prejudices of small town North West.   simply by showing up in Oregon , we made a statement, not by anything we did, we took our power back if only for an instant.  I resolved when i came to Bellingham that i would never be bullied, or ordered out of town again and i held my own under storm and attack.  What began in the 1980’s laid down the trajectory of what i would become later.

so perhaps Mr. Lamson does well to think back with an occasional twinge, not too deep, about treating me ‘shabby’. though the shabbiness actually came after we were split up, not during.  and i suspect his fith step work had mostly to do with himself and very little with any interest in me these days. Just as I have a limited interest in whatever is going on with him these days. I suspect his essential attitudes, grown scornfull over the years have probably not changed.  the next generation of his family moved on to be interesting people, Patrick is a star journalist now, traveling the world.    But i had my own story, and Darrell too, and if it were all understood, the depth and power of it would rock this country . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.