March . . . to a different drummer 2017

1 03 2017

1
Checked out apartments in MN. There’s one in Paynesville that appeals to me but that’s a hike to St. Cloud. I believe my cousin lives there and she’s pretty cool. Like her spirit. She used to live with Broughta native man in Denver, now she has a lovely farm. . . checked out some apartments in wilmer at Darrell’s recommendation . . . nope. Affordable but i got the felling it was Mc laughlin just across the Mn side of the border. Might be best to just hoof over there and find an apartment when i get there, AFTER I get a job…. if i go. I am having some fun now at my jobs and I am getting good, confident at last.
Kinda hate the idea of doing MN . .
Contacted Student rentals in St. Cloud and they have 3 bedrooms available in June. Now if Darrell and i rented together and usee the third room as an arts and crafts guest room.. that a little over 300 each . Very cheap. We could have seperate rooms and seperate leases , independent lives but still combine commen activities like cooking and so on and that would be an advantage to both of us. But could we get along?? Do we want to? And could we really befriends and live independent lives?? Minneapolis is only but its toolate to do a hop and a skip away. . . . i suspect Darrell would spend a lot of his time down there. . . yes, as much as i resisted this idea i have to admit.. . it’s the best option for now.

(Later)

well they are going to cut offDarrell’spower on the 7th. He hasn’t paid his bills. . .I contacted his worker but it is too late to get assistance.I contacted his pot dealer too and told him to quite givingDarrell so much credit…he agreed.  he’s a business man but he is also Darrells friend.  Again. . . too late. So Darrell is packing to hit the road.  I am as much to blame as he . . . for not addressing this enabling, the co dependency  months ago instead of pouring out frustrations in journals . . . .should have contacted these people months ago.

without the credit from Paul,  Darrell would have had to consider medical marijuana.  Then he would have had money and yes, he does need it for pain and cataracts an d things .  i too let myself pay out and pay out and then build up resentments . . .i suppose i was afraid he would fall into worse hands if i stopped it.  Going to South Dakota may be the best things for him . . . he’s been hanging on to something that has not given much happiness for quite a while.  Ever since Rhonda left.  He will be O.K..  I have to face what my life has become and face my own role in it too . .

I should have confronted Paul months and months ago.  We ALL enabled him. Paul made a lot of money on it though. Did he at some level , need to prove, no matter how much he professed to like Darrell , that he , a white guy ,was smarter than this dumb Indian and dumb girlfriend.    In south Dakota Darrell will re gain his humor and creativity.  We will see each other again.

(later)  Feeling terrible.  Im losing it this evening.  Feel i cant take it any more.  Letting everyone down  now just when i was doin good.  Chewing on everthing.  dont know what i want.  But i feel better now . . in my own apartment.  By myself.  I just cant do anything more for people right now . . right now i hate caretaking.  last night I was rally happy with it.  yesterday i was happy to contact old friends.  Now i am feeling defensive and suspicious and coming on all mafia like.  I feel like everyone wants something from me and then they fuck with me and all the time i spend doing this takes it’s toll on my spirit . . i get fat and lose my light. Then the bug inspector gets on me again, een though i have no bugs . . she is doing inspections too now so she was in my place and found a blanket too close to the heater and threatened me with evicition shit again . . . she just HAS to keep doing this to me.  she just HAS to.

march 2

Got in a nights sleep. Locked myself away and yelled at the world till i was pooped out, but if the truth be known I haven’t really begun to yell . .. .Now that the Democrats are down and aren’t running a massive smear and psch ops ( which even my native friends understood, right from the start,  as over kill)  I ought to start at the beginning and write it all out . . . How many years was my spirit under assault . . for stuff i didn’t even do . . . to this day i still have to deal with people on a daily basis that accepted what the media called ‘truth’  . .( then bragged about how they finished the job). It was massively wrong.  Even criminal.

Can it really be that that era is finally over??s really truelly over?  That the world really does get what ive been saying about what was happening with me, and others . . .the vicious cultural Maoism that started in Madison and how extreme it got . . . the cult of liberal mockery gone viral and murderous . . . ( I called it John Stewert’s private army) the enormity of people caught up in a witch hunt . . . all that aggression.  and now, after years of being a support for Darrell under circumstances that would try a saint .. being blamed.

for it all.  Now the resistance movement in the Dakotas has collapsed.  There is no feeling of karma  . . just sadness, despite everything. Because it was, for one brief moment a hope rising from despair . . . and now, it’s even more despair . . and gathering anger.  The next chapter could get ugly.  Now America is all about power . . expanding the empire.  And we are in for a different psch op, a different witch hunt, and i fear a horrible future a head.

Saturday

I guess Darrell has an itinerary planned out . . down to Oregon for a while, then New Mexico, then, when the weather is warmer . . back to Standing rock.

It would be nice to see Oregon once again, but I don’t have anyone down there anymore.  All bridges are pretty much burned.  I see there will be a march in D.C and it looks like what was started in Standing Rock will move in a New Direction.  I saw something about reviving AIM .  I had a feeling that things would turn to bitterness and generalized anger , just judging from comments and postings of some people against privelege . . .and i was agonizing over our plans to return to the Midwest in the wake of all that . . .something no one could ever really understand.

But it looks like Darrell is striking out on his own, making his own plans.

But what about Karen.  Where does Karen go now. Stay or go.  There’s been sooooo much manufactured hatred . . . and now the only source of love, however troubled and imperfect is going.  We still love each other so much.  the things we   did once in the name of love, my god.The media got sooo much wrong.  They never understood anything . . or ever really tried. And now Niburu closes in and poof! what the hell did it all matter.

March 5

Had Darrell over for dinner and of course he was playing head games . . threatening to leave all the time, not wanting to eat . . .but I’ve turned a corner, and didn’t get hurt or angry.  I gave him a lantern.  I might get a few more . . they have some that you can crank up or plug into the car.  That way he has light.  I hate the thought of him being in the dark over there when they pull the power . . it seems like his thinking about all this is sooo magical, delusional, his case worker will swoop in tommarrow and find a way to pay the 800 dollar power bill.  Somehow he can continue to blow everything on gambling, then show up begging for money and attack me constantly and still expect me to  . . tio what? that’s what i can’t figure out?

What does he want from me besides money and occasional meals and some body to pick  on when hes lonely and looking for some one to take it out on.  Lanterns make sense right now.  and a cooler with ice packs for food.  Maybe a coleman stove and some batteries for the radio/c.d.

But maybe his social worker WILL swoop in and magically fix things.  She is asking why karen isn’t helping out.  All i ever do is help out.  She means why didn’t Karen pay on your electricity.  Do heavy cleaning in the kitchen.  Of course i am to blame.  It’s not enough.  I did remind him to pay on his bill, I even offered to match what ever he put down on it . . but of course he exploded at my nagging whnever i brought it up.  And I did clean his kitchen, practically everytime i went over.  Why do heavy cleaning and wash the ceiling and stuff if he’s going to lose his lease for failing to pay his power bill?If he’s planning to leave.  if he throws me out everytime i visit.

I will wait and see what happens.  I think the best thing he could do is begin his travels.  I want to remember other times . I feel sadness for them whenever i think of them but that was then and this is now . He still talks about us moving to Mobridge once he gets things together . . . but there’s no love fotr me there.  Im blamed for everything.  I treated him good . . .but he went out of his way to make his family , and people here feel that he was being neglected and abused , or that i was ‘easy’ when in fact during the whole of our relationship i never once ran out on him . . . .and there’s a lot of people who bought into all this, and refuse now to concider that they might have been wrong.  By orchestrating all this, He pretty much destroyed all chanches of my moving to Mobridge . . there are other reasons as well . . just as there are many reason why we could never live together in MN.

So for me, Ive decided, that is no longer an issue.  He cant move in with me again and when his power goes out, but i will give him what ever he asks for travel money.  Then, i need to think about what my parents are asking me to do . . . come home, and what that means. I feel obligated.

If he takes off on a week end I could go down to oregon with him and take the train back.  See him and Oregon one last time.  But Eugene . . . reports of Neo nazi activity there . . i mean, maybe not worth making a big deal over . . . but that takes away all the charming memories of our last time there if it’s like that . . don’t want to get caught up in THEIR conflicts and bullshit down there . . that’s their stuff, and its been going on for decades on and off.  Maybe we could just go to the coast for the day.

Monday 6th

and speaking of bills . . i didn’t get my rent check off this week end. A few minutes before work.  Bought a nice cooler for D and a few movies to watch. Movies are better than gambling.  Adrienne comes back to town tommarrow and maybe, maybe she can wave that wand and keep his power on . . . probably. I believe it is illegal to turn off the power on people who are disabled and elderly.

Trump accusing the dems of wire tapping.  What ever conclusion they arrive at mine is this; of course they did.  They did it to us.  Notoriously.  Flagrently.  The Obama administration was notorious for this . . the dems in general felt it was their right.

I know for a fact that conversation that transpired between Darrell and I , way back in 2007 were commented on by Racheal Maddow and others , i watched it. . Even John Stwert seemed to know everytime i said something uncool over the phone in a bad mood. From 20003 on, there was sort of a coded message that would be played in response to things said or written on my home computer  . . and there were plenty that GOT IT.   Its been sporadic after that, and now almost non existance and boy has that made a difference in my mentle health.

So if we were hacked,and by god knows who else . . i suspect probably CIA on and off, and people like ADL or SPL . . . mostly during the Bush years. . . . . also far left, progressives and most likely Indian activists and tribal leaders . . . if we were, and we weren’t the only ones . . . then it ‘s likely people like Trump would be too.  Now . . . it’s a scandal . . its a shock to ‘discover’ such actions. Bullshit.everyone hacks and spys on everyone.

http://www.prisonplanet.com/infowars-warned-of-government-using-microphones-to-spy-on-americans-eleven-years-ago.html

http://endoftheamericandream.com/archives/every-conspiracy-theorist-in-america-has-just-been-vindicated

March 7

Paid rent. Had quite the day with a schizophrenic client . . .They give the difficult ones to me . . .but that’s O.K. No matter what it is in my life  . . it seems like life just  gives  the diffucult ones to me.

Bought some of Darrell’s latest art works.  Ive had my head up my ass . . but head up ass or not, every once in a while it gets a Eureka moment . . .it realises where its at and how it got there and how to get out of .

I ought to buy the ‘black snake’  so far no one has.  No one is buying the prints . . . even though, you would think they would.  That’s because the black snake is THEM  . . it’s political . . and they would rather have animals or the roaring bear as a symbol of generalized rage.  Also the more emotive Darrell’s work is . . . it tends to be kind of disturbed in its technical rendering.  Also drugs . . . kind of mar what he is actually capable of .

the latest one with the two animals in a black cloud looking out on a vision of what is beautiful in nature  . . . how ever imperfect it is valuable to me. There are layers of meaning.  Instead of giving him money i will buy his originals . . . . .its a fair deal.  a good trade.

 

1-8  spy v.s. spy   . . it’s a mad world

https://jonrappoport.wordpress.com/2017/03/09/spies-tell-lies-spying-is-lying/

i really like this guy. most of the time.

 

watching Gates’s series on Africa, really interesting.  Still in Egypt.

Has Chris Mathews lost his mind?  I never have time to watch , every once in a while  but . . . asking if Trump is a Leninist because of a smile?   A Lenninist??

March 12

Adrienne did indeed pull somestrings to get a 7 day extension on Darrell’s power and arranged for him to set up a crises appointment . . in May.  So his power will remain on for a while . . still no payments however.  Donna has come back to town so now Darrell is in a good mood again . . .so now he has his pal to hang out with and that’s good.

The Co op has given me more hours with an elderly couple I cook up for and do general caretaking duties for.  JD is a craftsperson.  Her home is filled with spinning wheels, and antiques and things she has made. All her life she and her ex husband followed a Laurel’s Kitchen sort of diet . . no sugars, no fats, lots of grains and fruits.  They can climb hills better than i can by far. Have no problem with stairs or arthritis but both , in particular JD have alzhiemer’s.  JD is pretty advanced for some one in their mid 70s.   Perhaps the brain really needs those fats and sugars . . it  is, after , mostly fats.  It gives one pause . . . relections on the ironies of life . . when some one so creative can lose their faculties to such an extent .

I feel like i am in Ms. Havisham’s house.  I brought my crochetting over yesterday and took a ‘break’ , made us some tea and did a little work on a hat  hoping it would kind of rouse her a little  . . and it did. I made a huge pot of soup with barley, lentils, br rice, split peas and veggies ,  . I mean huge and when Ireturned a few hours later her husband, who lives in a cabin in the back had scarfed nearly all of it down.  it is impossible for me to understand how anyone could eat that much food . I have been told that people who do not eat much sugar of ft have to eat huge quantities of food to compensate.  . . they lassoed me into going for a walk with them and her husband was traveling at a pretty good clip, challenging the hills for a work out . . me , I lagged and wheezed, my hips were in agony after the first mile . . .so R, scarfer of huge quantities of soup shot on ahead up hill and dale and I needed to wheeze and shuffle on home.

In contrast to the legacy of the laurel’s kitchen diet, I scarfed down some homemade cookies  when i returned home. I had a sausage ( natural) and  portobella mushroom and a homemade hummas on flatbread sandwhich. Then i tossed the laundry off to the other side of the bed and made a space to lay down and fell asleep watching t.v.

3-13

Spring is in the air and the dark energy that was dragging me down hs lifted.  Darrell is in such good spirits again . . the light is in his eye this evening, the enthusiasm for projects and interaction with other artists.  I huess he met some people out on the rez who were music makers and andartists and having a good time . . he described them as really nice people.  That’s what he needed . . some friends like like, being in a circle of people who are fun , intellegent and innovative, not all fucked up or on the streets .  He was lonely .

I know how he feels.  That’s the way I used to feel when I gathered with all the artisans at chrochett corner when I sold my hats. It would fill me with enthusiam, really bring me up.   All of a sudden he is talking like the artist i used to know . . talking about trading art, trading skills, people who want to comission him to do this or that and all the projects he could do . . i have not seen this in Darrell in a long time and it is a joy.  I like to think it was my getting into action over the power  and battling the dying of the light so to speak . . . buying those laterns was perhaps symbolic as well as practical, I was trying to keep his light from going out . . .fearfull of what all that emptiness and alonness in the dark would do to his spirit . . .also, i think my buying his art work again mattered to him.  Id been ignoring it, when once i championed it. Adrienne stated that i was ridiculous.  And Darrell exploded over my nagging and pushing and swore he did not care . . . but he admitted, that it worked . . . now almost over night, Spring is here.  The birds are gathering twigs.  Camellias are starting to bloom a little,  Crocuses are springing up, and primroses.

The air smells full of earthy promise and I instinctively think of projects, of flowers to plant, of things to do.

 

March 20th

Cannot believe Trump would be so rude to Merkel.  Soon, I think, the United States will be considered so  uncivil that no one will want to come here on vacation. . . it may become  isolated .

And there seems to be the real worry about nuclear threat ,talk of pre emptive strikes in China sea.  North Korea has got some top notch scientists . . . they’re not the dummys we would like to believe they are.  All that stuff you read now and then on conspiracy pages about planned de population and the Elite creating underground cities for themselves to withstand nuclear catastrophy and rebuild ( a master society??)   . . . .thaat cold creepy chill of what if it were true . . could it really . . . starts to creep into ones thoughts.  And if there were a nuclear war . . . any kid of world war . . . .were would i want to be.  Not Texas, Phoenix, most of California . . without adequate water resources all those people would die.  And I am seriously re thinking the move to MN . . . from a catastrophy wary  frame of mind. bottom ine is I can’t trust my family based on past history . . rip everything up and put myself into their power . . . .with that long history of being thrown repeatedly in the snow bank . . . no, i will never be homeess in Minneapolis again because of petulant mommy and game playing Daddy and their silly games.  As much as i want to help my folks out in their time of need .   perhaps best to just stay where i am.

Argued with Darrell about the constant begging, the draining of all my money .  Almost shut the door on him permenently.  I really am sick of it.   From now on, People can do shit for me if they want my attention instead of the other way around.  or not.  I dont care.  I am perfectly happy by myself.

 

March 24

Not feeling as crappy as i have been this afternoon. Called in sick. As usual . . . my respitory crap . Today I rested. Watered plants. fed the birds and listened to music on Pandora  . . . so healing.  Music is Universal.  When one loves a particular piece of music one loves the totality of the soul with all its experiences , all it’s culture that created it. It is the language of love.  Too much we are tempted to think about the hate in the world. TYo ruminate on those kinds of experience instead of re centering and focusing our energy not on frustrations, but on things that make happiness and peace.  Or else our bodies or something in us MAKES that happen .

Yesterday at the D.’s place I watch J approach a deer in her abandoned garden.  The deer instinctively had no fear of her.  I photographed it.

The desolation of alzhiemers . . looking out on that abandoned garden , where her flowers and fruits used to be . . . and seeing a deer that formerly she would shoo , come to nibble without fear of her . . . like a friend . . . it was if if the deer understood her need for connection.   I gave me the idea for a short story. It was magical to watch it unfold.   I haven’t done any real writting in 20 years.

 

3-29

Only a few minutes .  I am off to work.  Guess Darrell will be staying a bit longer, his social worker has kicked into gear to keep him going here now. She thinks she can get him a spot to teach word burning . . a good idea.  Alos, he is going to put paul on his lease to lstay at his place and take care of rent when he’s gone.

I have a dislocated finger.  Hard to type. My home computer is down and there are private files there i hate to loose.  Ive been following pizza gate . . it’s NOT fake news.  I remember years and years ago when this stuff about Epstien and the Clinton came to light, implicating even people like Deshowitz ( too smart to be convicted).  I think there are “fake news’ stories that have spung up around the recent exposures . . perhaps deliberately to obcsure the mountains and ountains of evidence . . then those can be pointed at as evidence of ‘fake news’.  Heck i remember way back in the years 2000  to 2003 there were many people calling what was happening to ME as ‘demonic’ . . a younger generation does not remember that.  I certianly felt the hand of some thing quite chilling and pschopathic . . and i wrote about it too, although most of that was deleted by me simply to avoid all the fall out.  Even Darrll says yeah . . . that stuff about retraumatization to program a response ( a break down or melt down  or crazy )  It probably did happen to you .It was just a demonstration of pwoer.  To show who was god and what they could do.  i was being used to send a message, and the pschological toll was terrible.   . . a sort of experiment straight out of playbook of MKULTRA . . even back in the late 50s and early 60s there were movies being made about this sort of experimentation and retramatization . . . . . only recently however has the cabal been taken on this directly.

 

3-30

only a few minutes before work.  Everything crashing in on me . . . just when i thought we were back on a peaceful trajectory.  Dana showed up . . . and trouble and drama always follow with her like a dark cloud.  now Im totally stressed out when only minuetes before she called i was feeling pretty happy.  it is not her fault . . she got stuck and asked to crash for the night.  Seems like everything hits at once, every single person in my life fucking with me, my space, my time, my peace, my money, even my work scheduals.  No time for details.  Must do my overnight . . got to catch that bus.

 

 

 

 

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Feb 2017

6 02 2017

Feb 5

Dream
I was in a room with two twin beds. My sister Kate and a friend of hers were camped out on one side and i was asleep in the other. In the dream I was having, or rather a half dream because I knew where i was but i couldn’t fully wake up . . . .some guys took my tablet and i got upset. In this dream within a dream i was yelling at them .. give it back, give it back. i was enraged and tried to get it back. I knew i was yelling out in my sleep and that kate and her friend could hear me. Then I was awake and Kate and her friend were organizing thier day. Kate’s friend was an artist and had her sketchbook out with a incomplete cartoon that was quite masterful.. She was talking about going out to see the cultural offerings of St. Cloud, it’s landmarks and things of interest. I was thinking . . what cultural things? I had never rushed to do this.

Notes: I think what the dream is telling me is that i feel my power has been taken from me and I am upset because it is mine and it belongs to me. I am hoping that my voice will be heard even though I am , in a sense paralyzed, half awake, dreaming even though i know Im dreaming.
When I do wake up I am met by a woman who is pro active and psitive and creative. This could be an aspect of me . . or my own potential once I ‘wake up’ out of my own sense of powerless anger. This woman is not focused on the negatives, on losses or on pain or anger but on sampling the joys in life. Joys that i had not thought to see.
This is a meaningfull dream.

Februar 6

My client ME is snoring away, allowing e time to write a little.  I have an abessed tooth that is raging.  Went to the mergeny room last and got some antibiotics and peks but still in a lot of pain.  Darrell and i both went to the emergancy room last night. He had Pnuemonia and was, I believe, in a anxious state due to meth use. He called about midnight, said he had been throwing up a lot,that his throat was sore and constricted and would i take him to the hospital?  I called the beses.  Nothing running.  i alled 9-11 but he turned them away when they arrived.  We drove to the hospital and he was admitted.  There in the hospital bed i combed his hair, rubbed his back and entertained him with Lakota music on the tablet.  It seemed to me that the problem was wanting attention and he was willing to stage quite an emergency to get it from me. Too let me know he needed me.  His temper had been getting so out of bounds tha i had not tried to visit him and had deided to let it go.  This breakup did not last very long . . . .he had no anger in him throughout this little trip to the hospital, only a need, a soft spoken plea . . . . and I rethought  my feelings about him.  it seemed we fell into ’emergency’ when dissconnected . . I too had not been doing so well.  Because i was already at the ER and my abbessed tooth was causing me so much pain, I too needed some attention, some babying, and was given a shot and some antibiotics and narcotics. i was actually the sicker of the two of us. . Darrell, it turned out had pnuemonia.Not the flu and he was terribly dehydrated.  So we went to the pharmacy and got our meds and i brought him home where i could nurse him, which he accepted without complaints.  he went straight to bed, after setting up is ‘area’ the way he used to, with juices, kleenix, ash trays and so on.  I used to detox him at my house when he asked . . .it made sense.  No one could get to him or pester him there and i could baby him without a lot of effort.  So this is a day of restoration and mending.  What ever was festering in us came to the surface, it was identified, treated . . side by side in the emergency room and now we both getting out love and attention needs met. And ost imortantly there is a renewed sense of gratitude and gladness to be with each other gain at the old nest.

Feb 8 2017

Only a few minutes to write before i head out to one of my Bellingham clients. Only a few minutes after i wrote the last entry Darrell got a call from the hospital.  They wanted him to return immediately.  A cat scan had revealed something in the back of his head.  He has been complaining about a lot of pain inthe back of his head and asking me to rub it a lot, this may be part of volitile temper lately, his continual pissed offness.  A lot of physical pain.  What Darrell told me is that they said he had a ‘bubble’.  an air bubble or something. All joking about being a bubble head aside . . he must’v got that wrong.  They would have called an ambulance if that were so . . .its a stroke waiting to happen.  he must mean a growth, or nodule or something they want to look into . . not a bubble.  But there is something in his behavior that greatly disturbs me.  he is still throwing up . . and he does not have a flu virus.  There are noises he makes that i have seen in people essentially breaking down, it scares me. I work with end of life clients.    This is what i think . . . i think he was poisened.  someone gave him some meth laced with something toxic and he didnt tell the doctors in the emergency room.  They could have given him something as anecdote.  But they probably would have tried to get him into treatment.  .  He hasn’t been cramping and in muscular pain so if it was strychinine it wasn’t a lot, perhaps something else.  But it serves as a reminder, i told him, how fragile

health  really is.  he is too old for that shit. he can’t handle it. Actually . . no one can.  meth kills.  It also shows, I reminded him, that there are some people out there who do not have his best interests at heart, they will bring him down to their level. . . ive told him that, and written about his tragic inability to see this over the years so many times and at such great leanghth that I have given up on his ability to see really see this. its a tragety but what can i do.   i can only rescue him, from malicious forces, or death and destruction stuff, illness that does not need to happen   so many times . . and then it claims him.
Why he has not yet gone to the hospital is beyond me.  he keeps talking about going to rochester . . as if he had all the time in the world.  I also think there is something he is not telling me.  it may be his pancreas.

Sunday Feb 12finally relaxation day . . . I had the oppurtunity to pick up hours this weekend and really needed the money but decided i need a few dys free worse. Darrell is still sick and sleeping over at my place but gtting much better.  I made a nice dinner Friday night , but he could only eat a few bites.  Then he woke in a rage later because he was ‘starving’ . . . some kind of flash back or PTSD coming out . . . i was really afraid of getting beat up but he simmered down . . . i was upset but kept my cool.  In the morning he ate his furst full meal . . then i had a eureka moment.  We went to the pot store.  I bought some lozenges, a few capsules and one of those ‘syringes’ to squeeze out liquid pot on some yogurt or whatever. Call it enabling . . but in this case, its medicinal. He can’t eat or smoke, he’s in pain and he’s edgy . . .the liquid pot did the trick , but jeez, it’s expensive this way.  Sometimes, just sometimes, I get a good idea.  he felt good enough to shower up, and we went for a drive, took our time and watched the eagles and hawks.  It was healing.  Now he is watching a John Wayne movie.  MacIntire or something, I.And laughing his ass off as they discuss Indian problems.

2-12    Just got back from swimming and taking care of bizz. Tuckered out.  Nice to be home and have the apartment to myself, re group. I have class tomorrow.

2-25

I don’t think the sacred stone camp going up in flames was what the “Burn IT down” “Feel the Bern” crowd had in mind .

2-26

https://jonrappoport.wordpress.com/2017/02/26/trumps-war-against-the-media-continues/     I have to admit that Jon is absolutely right on this one and then some.  I’ll have more to say about it’

 

february-2017

2-27

Dream

Darrell and I were at some sort of construction site.  It was connected to this hotel and movie theater.  We had a fight and he wasn’t talking to me.

we were in separate areas separated by some plywood walls.  I was looking for a store that sold sexy stuff . . I had never been in such a store and thought I would check it out. Since i was ‘free”   However i could not find it.  I knew that such a store was nearby but i could not find it.  It seemed to lead me in a maze.  I kept running into people who had vodka.  There was this couple sitting on some lumber sharing a bottle of vodka and they offered me some.  They didn’t look like chronic homeless types . . they looked more like college professors, Noam chomsky types,  but they were non the less homeless people  so i joined them.  I didn’t really want any vodka but decided I would settle for it.

Notes:  Hmmmm . . looks like the dream is saying that i gave up looking for something romantic or playful , all the love and sex stuff and was settling for hard liquor instead, even though I didn’t really want it.  I think the dream is suggesting that I would like intellectual companionship.  Sharing a bottle of vodka with Noam could be quite fun actually . . sitting on a pile of lumber at some hotel/ movie theater/ love store complex under construction.  The separation of walls between Darrell and i might reflect a sense of divide and conquer  . . . the result of sustained political and social  tactics  .

2-27

Just waiting now for the decision from social security . . will they continue or drop it.  I am almost 62.  there is a chance they may keep it but under this administration i am expecting them to drop it . . .if they keep it, i have no worries and that frees me up to make changes in my life.  It would make re locating much, much easier  . . . I would not fear ‘being thrown in the snow bank’ to quote a common phrase from MN, if i try to return there.  They said they would let me know by March.  But what if it is April or even May before I finally find out??  I now have my credits, I’m delegated and i have my license renewal form ready to turn in . . all set in that regard.

I may have made a mistake returning to the work world.  I think i was better off just living on social security . . . i had time to take better care of myself, spiritually, emotionally and physically . . . look at all the stuff I made and sold . . . THAT was the avenue I forged to create an identity, a way of interacting with people . . .i think it was better for me, truer to myself.  I also had more time for Darrell . . . I helped him out a lot at his place and back then he was being very responsible and his place, under the combined efforts of a number of people. mostly himself,  was a nice place to hang out. at when he wasn’t drinking.   Most of the time. Everything is different now  . . . and i am most certainly not a happy lady any more.  If I still remain on social security . . . .I  might give up working and just cultivate my private life again. What little is left of it.

(Later)today started out badly.  i was awash in painful thoughts as i did some early writing.  Then off to the pool only to discover Id not packed a bathing suit.  However it got better and better as the day went on.  I worked with ME and cooked her up some treats; peanut butter cookies and tapioca pudding .. oh man did she like that.  Then i was on to a brand new client, Zetta. We got along instantly.  i don’t know if i was expecting some classist snooty old bitch  that would look me up and down , eye the rip in my jacket, the tennis shoes that were falling apart.an decide i wasn’t suitable..but Zetta was earthy and familiar and boy did she like eating.  Her son described her as ‘well nourished’ .. sort of the way i am’well nourished’ … so we got along .  Nothing wrong with this lady in the brains..it’s her body that’s given out.  I made up some chicken soup from a cooked chicken and she was impressed…i scored on my ability to make chicken soup. There is a thick blanket of snow on everything tonight.  A wonderland.  A fairyland. I’m off to bed and up early again, for another full day.





January 2017

8 01 2017

Had a biopsis done yesterday.  No fun.  Just waiting for results.  Still in a kind of shock and trying to process this.  Just got a notification from social security that i am nearing the end of my trial work period and they will make a determination soon about wether to continue benifits.  No question they will be denied . .  and now, when the possibility of surgery loams ahead, and soon, my medical coverage ends.  nothing but trajety no matter what i do . . how i strategize for the future. No words of support from Darrell, he didn’t want to hear about it, just ask for more money, more money for his weed.  perhaps that’s all it ever was all along.

 

Jan 14

Still waiting for Biopsis results.  They are in but no Nurse is available untill Tuesday to discuss these results.  Everything feels like it is collapsing all at once and perhaps it is.  I let Darrells indifffernec get to me in the deepest part of my soul and it has confused me, haven’t been able to THINK, get my social priorities straight and it has cost me personally and at the work place.  As always . . . i use the right tools to rise above whatever in life is causing me distress untill something happens to put a chink in that armour,  turn bad energy inward, against my self . . perhaps it is a cry, or a safe way to protest . . .but the self destructive ‘collapse’ even when its repaired quickly can cast a shadow on other areas of my life.  it provides excuse for anger at  karen, the problem.

I think it would hurt anyone to feel like their partner, on hearing the news that ones life may be in jeporday, that one MAY die, or go throw a devestating illness says that it is spoiling his high.  he doesn’t want to hear about it.  it makes  person feel so alone.  having to face stuff alone. Seems like everyone has ganged up on me lately . . . it was my faliure of professionalism to let it influence my preparedness or focus on the job . . . but this is an old story that has been going on for years.  I just wish they would hurry up and give me the results . . . this waiting and waiting is terrible.  what will i do if it’s cancer.  Especially if i lose insurance to pay for treatment??  I am not living in a sympathetic environment . . . perhaps i could just pick up and travel someplace before I can’t.

After everything i do for people . . they shrug and say thanks but still,  I am the problem, my  cancer concerns , concerns about fatality , the future . . it spoils our high. Just keep paying for that high untill you die.  pretty damn brutal . But then . . it always was . . . i just learned to cope with it, and find a way to nourish myself and ignore people or rise above what i knew they were doing.  I even was able to find my own happiness . . .

i fucking wish they would hurry up and give me the results.

 

1/16

Wow.  i can’t believe that Trump smacked John lewis like that, on Martin Luther King Holiday too.  I know that Trump is making a statemnt  like if you attack my capabilities and qualifications  i will give back as good as i get and i get i don’t care who you are, no one is above getting it back . . . but . . . .jeez, John Lewis is an icon, and he is a nice guy too.  I don’t think Trump realizes the place Lewis   holds in Black peoples esteem.  He is really playing with fire.  What, does he WANT a riot??? Before he even gets elected??  That is NOT good diplomacy. it’s not diplomatic at all.  its provocation.  I dodn’t think that guy is going to last very long.

1/17

yeah!! I’m good to go.  Growths were benign.  No cancer!!  Still fat and sassy..Especially fat.

1-22

tired.  so much to write about but asthma, triggered by exposure to strong cleaning supplies at work has my ass wupped.  Darrell and i getting on now . . . he has been sleeping on his couch which has aburpt sides and isnat long enough  and it is causing headaches , neck aches and back aches.  i got him  a two tiered inflatable mattress.  he cant get off the floor when the mattress is on the floor.  I was hurting when he didnt give me  some support when i called the night of my biopsis.  I really retracted .  But . . . .i guess we have a bond,

Many thoughts about recent events but . . . that asthma . . . woulod rather journal when i have enough oxygen.

1-23

Feeling better. But have a nightmare hangover. woke up calling out,

The dream;

I was the head cook in a large  assisted living type facility, which also seemed to be a group home with many wings.  Iwas searching for the day’s menu.  Everywhere I looked i could not find it.  i was spending a lot of time searching for the days menu .  I was trying to call Jan, my supervisor.  Once again, i could not locate her number any where . . i had my tablet but in the dream i could not manage to bring up the number.  I was becoming very distressed because i would not get breakfast out and lunch started. My tablet broke in two.  I was ready to cry.  i decided to quit because it was hopeless.

it was one of those cook frustration nightmares . . . anyone who has ever worked as a cook has probably had this nightmare.

I am training on day shift this morning .  i trained last week on day shift at two places.  I fell asleep the week earlier on my second overnight, not for very long but that is a no no so they changed my schedual around. Dang, i rather liked those ON shifts . . . it was like my refuge.  I got paid for being left alone to watch Magnificent Century , my Turkish soap opera.  Now I have to do some real work again.  Actually, I had as much to do in the mornings, during my overnights as the day shift.  it’s more spread out during the day shift.   I also have other job offers to consider that are closer to home and that is tempting . . so i have some decisions to make in the next day or so.  They have some home care sleep overnights with cranky older people available . . i can deal with that, hell yeah, Cranky old guys i know something about, it won’t faze me.

The only problem is i have to renew my license soon.  They were supposed to send out the paperwork last week but i haven’t got it yet.  My current employer pays for that license renewal . . . but not  if I give notice of course.

Yesterdays news was dominated by the women’s marchs.  I listened to the speeches by Gloria Stienem, Micheal Moor, Scarlett Johansen and Elizabeth Warren.  I also started crocheting a pinkish hat16174637_10212428147998534_3629186294958863549_n . . ever casting an entrepreneurial eye on circumstances.  There’s a whole lot i could write about ‘the love’ that social justice movements believe they are embracing this year . . . .and i could write a lot about times when it was not so loving when it was targeting me . . . I seem to remember Micheal Moore refering to me back in 2004 or so as a ‘piece of shit.’  On t.v.  And i wondered as far back as madison days where are the feminists like Gloria Stienem when awfull commercials were being broadcast with hidden messages viciously mocking me . . plenty of women GOT those hidden messages and found them entertaining.  The was a time when i felt some of the worst hate crime in America was woman on woman . . . and that some of the worst mysogany was on the left . . .  but why rehash all that.  It’s all been said before . . . it only antagonizes people who are NOT so cruel these days , . . time allows people to forget everything. Almost.

 

On my  FB home page-A poem     “Fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck you and Fuck your hat” by Donna Lauth  (Alaska) Also by Donna;16114735_10208087721606120_7837984807447120761_n  jeez, is that addressed to me?? Looks internalized to me.  Which only illustrates my point in the earlier posting. here’s some tidbits on the pink hat theme from Sally and her Daughter . i had to unfriend some people.  Not that i was offended by thelema’s brain hat . . but Sally’s stuff shows up on MY page when she comments on thelemas posts and i can’t have her bullshit on my page.  here’s a thought . . . how about this ‘brain hat’ in brown.  A shit for brains hat.  id make them.

thumbnail-brains-1-696x392in-brown

January 24 2016

Woke up actually feeling pretty sparky for a change, despite asthma.  I think the change to Day shifts has made the difference.

 

January

Much has happened.  computer got infected and crashed with all my docs.  Started second job.  I guess my Mom had my Dad move into the basement  . . so he called me to unload.  Crazy shit there . . . don’t have time to write about it now.

 

 

 

 

 

 





December 2016

6 12 2016

Down time at work. Had a fun time with my client this evening playing bop the caretaker with the skien of yarn game. Almost as fun as making snort and oink noises when she tilts my head back . . . which sends her in peals of laughter.
Feeling pretty good tonight, physically and emotionally. We decided to head off to the Midwest towards Standing Rock, and for me St. Cloud next week. Maybe as early as Tuesday or as late as Friday.

Tuesday.  Dec 6

Feeling Very depressed about a number of dissapointments right now. The good news is that i have 2 weeks vacation starting on the 9th. Drive or train?? Blizzarding in the Dakotas now, sub zero temps, snoqualimie pass is due for snow on Friday and Darrell used up his money.  I could still ferry him over to his rez enroute to St. Cloud. But not much cash to spare in case of emergencies.  Ive got a chest cold too.

Water protectors won a temporary victory.

Friday Dec 9th

Snow and blowing winds and cold as ll hell out. Today I must get ready for the trip. Much to do.  Im taking the train and Darrell will come out later.  He won’t leave without his car and the paases are too too treacherous right now.  I bought his some thermal under wear, warm socks and a vest.  may get him a padded sweat shirt to wear under his coat too before I go. Got myself a few items at value village and all set now.

I may have some lady problems. Hope its just an unexpected surge of hormores andnothing serious.  Im wondering if the maternal nature of my work and the physical nuturing i give to Challen might actually trigger some biological changes.  if not . . well, we are all mortal .  . and the path into old age does not get smoother.  We could be stricken with unexpected illness, heart faliure, falls, cancers,strokes . . you name it.  This is on my mind these days. oddly, I feel suddenly gratefull for what I have out here in WA, we aren’t doing so badly these days .Darrell and i had a nice evening and had a pleasent dinner. . but all things come to an end. I  have such a feelin of our time now being very short.This may be the last time I and the people i love best are all here on this earth.  I have a feeling that the future of us all will not be what we expecvted, that something catastrophic for mankind is around the corner.

December 13   3 A.M.

Not feeling well.  Can’t put my finger on it but something seems wrong.

Not many people on the train.  shared breakfast with an interesting fellow and we went through 3 or 4 cups of coffee shooting the breeze.  My reception here at home has been polite, but not not enthusiastic . . . they seem rather disintereste and I am wondering now about all these plans to move here to look after them in the next years.  I know my mother would only resent it very quickly . . .I get the feeling even now that i better make this a short visit or Ill get ‘the speech’ as I call it.  I just got here . . . . oh well, right now i don’t really care.  I don’t really know what’s going down. I sense a resurgence of blame once again. No matter WHAT I do.  perhaps the media have been at it again.   it’s been settled for good.  probably, collective opinion being solidified in Standing rock with all those people.  maybe not.  It feels hopeless.

I feel depressed and want to be back in my apartment once again.  perhaps that is where i belong . . .if people decide they have to kill me because Im there and they don’t want me there then they will.  Im not going to make anymore moves for anybodies sake.

If it is media . . .at it again . . . .there’s too many people now who know how much they routinely lie. The damage they do. Even Denzel Washington layed it out recently.  he said; they dont’ care what they say, they don’;t care if it’s true, they don’t care who they destroy or who they hurt . . . .my man. You know it. hannity was refering to them as the abusive media last night.  You know it.  But i don’t care about that anymore either . . it’s come back on them.  they are panicking now with Trump almost in office.  Trying to pull a coup from what i can see.  These are interesting times . . .so much happening all at once, huge changes,

Well the girls at the YMCA here were being friendly.  Have not encountered any bad energy here in St. Cloud. Other than Mom not really wanting me here . . . .I don’t know what they are going to do.  it’s obvious she is in need of care. She will be in full dementia soon . . .she cant be left alone or do anything in the kitchen. if it isn’t me then it has to be somebody/  here i am offering to rip up my life out West and make changes to be near enough to assist them and she still has that underlying resentment against me.  that old “get lost’ undergrowl.  I guess i don;’t feel sorry for her  . . or dad, anymore . . .  .When i asked if they would like me to move closer by so i could help out with meals and ‘babysitting’ so to speak they both seemed so indifferent.  You do what you want to do.

Thursday

Well it has turned out to be a good visit after all.  We had much fun yesterday. Patty came over.   Mom has gotten so thin.

Tuesday December 20th

Back home in Bellingham watching my Turkish soap opera.  I have started a fast of sorts . . just liquids, broth, juice for 5 days . . maybe more and then a diet with no gluten, no dairy, no fried spuds  . . . just a bowl of museulli or cereal in themorening with rice or soy milk, and a banana, soup for lunch and maybe and apple or oranbe and something like brocoli and chicken for dinner.  I want to see if all this inflamation and bloating will go away. .. i can’t go on like this.  Darrell too has been in a lot of physical pain. Emotional too.  he wanted so badly to be home for Christmas.  But the storms made car travel tooo risky, especially with no heater.   i bought him a nice warm parka for Christmas, that should help. Filled up his tank, bought him some weed and tobacco ,made steak dinner and then took him out for boomer burgers but he is still going totally pscho on me . . .in the car where my only option would be put up or get out and walk miles to a bus stop.  h efrightened me a lot yesterday.  I hate to pack up and leave.  its funny how quickly my environment and netowrk of contacts here , except for work, bring me down so quickly in to that cycle of violence, as soon as i try  to leave it which escalates several times a year.  it was escalating quietly when i left.  I better take this serious . . it’s so easy to forget once it’s past, it’s a pretty classic pattern . . . what makes this case unusual is how many people get swept up in it. its like automatic around here.    Im tired of all the anger.

Well im not going to give any one a peg to hang me on, make it easy to abuse because of self destructive drinking, or anything.  I take care of myself financially, emotionally, physically I can stay on top of it and cope with it all . . . but doing this will bring on retaliationin one form or another.  So i must be prepared and guarded emotionally.

Christmas Eve

Made cookies all day yesterday, and cinnamon rolls, while Donna and Darrel hung out.  Donna brought her new puppy.  part German shepard and part Eskimo dog.  I fell in love with that puppy . . she is beautiful.  Had my doctor’s appointment at P.P.  They found a polop and schedualed me for further tests . . I have to get some ultra sound.  Donna scored a 3 bedroom house in Oregon, south of Eugene!! Dang!!  Now Darrell has someplace to visit for a while. I expect Donna will be heading down there pretty quick. Perhaps in the next few days.   I told Darrell that he ought to go with Donna, be with her  out in the open.  Her boyfriend took off for Alaska, she has a house now instead of living on the streets . . he could throw in for rent and claim one of the rooms . . they get along so splendidly . . . it seems obvious to me.  You go with what makes you happy.  I told him to find some one who makes him happy . It makes me sad that he never feels it is me and that he has to let me know it all the time, but there it is.  I think we were searching more for meaning, identity , the big picture . . more than happiness, or we wouldn’t have put up with all the stuff we did over the years.  But perhaps now it is time to go with what brings happiness and joy.

I too would like to see Oregon again.

I dreamt i was taking a bunch of classes.  That i was trying to choose between art classes and a pallette of others.  it was exciting.  The other day i said something about how i wish i could re do highschool and take advantage of all those free classes I was too lazy to take then, not realizing the worth of them . . like economics, shop, biology, business.   perhaps its time to direct that  path towards some fun, some happiness . . learn some new skills, meet some new people. go hiking.

i am always learning . . .I watch u tube documentaries a lot and explore all kinds of ideas . . i just don’t write about it or have anyone to really talk to about things.

Dec 26

it feels good to take it easy today.  Kick back and watch some breaking bad and drinking a tea of nettles, mullien  and skullcap for a developing cold. Lentils soup in the Crock.  Earlier today I got in a swim and then i felt awfull , strange, as if i were on a different plane, like a flash back to a different mind set, different awareness and memories, more aware of sensory detail and memory but not comfortable, and full of cravings.  They were overwhelming but when i wandered into the grocery store to get some suff  i passed the liqour section and the thought of it made me sick to my stomach.  Eventually the cravings passed and now i feel strangly better than i have in a while. less like crying. I am going through some physiological changes now . . . the next months are goin to be tough sometimes.  I will have more of these episodes but that is part of the process.

I really tried to DO Christmas for my friends Donna and Darrell. They brought the pup over and we actually had a fun evening, trying our hand at beat poetry which made us laugh.  Darrell pretended to be crabby about his new parka but i could tell he was happy.    It looks so sharp on him and boy did he need it.  I made the mistake of putting on a utube documentary last night about what was happening on the Lakota reservations . . . and i think it hit a place of deep pain with him, he seemed to be asleep and wouldn’t rouse . . and when he did he was a bastard.  I should have been more thoughtful.  I guess tonight will be zootopia or something if he comes over.  Feels good to rest,to be done with family, holidays, decisions about moving and relationship status and center again.





November 2016

4 11 2016

My boss asked me if i wanted to work full time. She says i am doing an awesome job. Did you here that? Awesome.
I have some big decisions to make.
She was amazed that i got the new client into the shower this morning. She’d refused to shower for 3 days. shoot, handling her was a breeze. I cut my teeth throwing drunks into the shower . . . all that experience was prelude to a higher purpose it seems. he he

Nov 7

Made a turkey yesterday.  Tonight we feast.  Left overs for thanksgiving . . or a community dinner somewhere.

I am made happy by the way that Darrell has stepped up to the plate and put the nessesary work into his place and car. I asked him to film it to thwart any further threats against me if I hae him over to visit. that way their is documentation that can legally used.    i feel confident enough to have him over to watch the game .

I have some big decisions to make regarding my parents right now.  We are in agreement that I will come back to St. Cloud to help them out.  I was in an escapist frame of mind, very hurt and confused and retraumatized when i started getting threats that threatened to bring down my world up here . . . but now that that is under controll ,running back to St. Cloud seems so utterly depressing.  My folks would try to dominate my choices and lifestyle the way they always have . . and not complying could end of with me being totally alienated . . which has been the pattern in the past.  I would not have been so alienated in Minneapolis if it were not for this pattern.  The reasons for going back have to do with my mother’s failing health and my fathers inablity to bring in outside help of make lifestyle changes.  Darrell is moving to Standing Rock soon and i do not know if this will be permanent or if he intends to get new housing up here.  he talks of getting a house in Mc Laughlin.  I do not know the attitude of his people towards me right now, if they even have an attitude one way or th other right now.  Certianly I have been cast as a person who brought negative controversy on the peoples.  My blogging about my life over the years bothered some people and there were extreme actions to silence or discredit what i described.  Most people in America have bought into the false story . . .and are unwilling to change their attitudes which became pretty hatefull at times.  It was orchestrated hate.  Not EVERYONE hates Karen.  The media does and they want to believe everyone else does too.  Only weaker minds.  people outside the mainstream influences close to the situation over the years were more objective.

All that aside . . . . there is an admirable coming together transpiring on Darrell’s rez right now that has the gaze of the world on it.  i do not want to distract or cast a shadow on this so im not going to go into the ‘conspiracy’ stuff, the ‘what went down’ or ‘lets finish the job stuff’ . . . .thats just focused malicious or scapegoating energy.  Free floating evil.  It is a seperate issue.  The stuff that is going on in Standing Rock now arises from a much more concious place.  At any rate . . . i do not know the attitude right now and wether it would be advisable to plan on going with Darrell.  or wether I would be happy.  So what would make me happy?  Could i be happy here if i continue to live here.  Could i find some happiness in Minnesota near my folks, helping out their time of need.

There much going through my mind about national politics right now. Its come as a surprise to the establishment that the patriot movement and the alt. right as it’s called got so big and powerfull . . that someone like Alex Jones could actually come so close to upsetting the status qou.  Trump actually has a chanch of winning.  It remains to be seen.

Wed November 9

It’s Trump day! It was fun to watch the reactions of MSNBC. At least for me.  God bless the Bullshitting media for never understanding anything . . and thinking if they just bullshit a little more . . . . they didnt HAVE to cover the email protocol non-scandal 24 hours a day, 7 days a week . . . or force Bernie out of the race.  Now theres a rush on Canadian immigration sites . . so many people threatening immigration because they are afraid, because they couldn’t have their way . It takes a long time to get through the immigration process into Canada.  After all the open borders controversy . Now they want to flee the mess they created that created a Trump reaction. Interesting.  I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind right now . . . but they will keep untill later.

Thursday

Massive protests going on here in Bellingham . . for 2 days now.  Crazy energy exploding everwhere.  Paranoia rampant. One lady was trying to tell me it was going to be Hitler’s Germany all over again.  martial law. suspention of rights and liberties. Then KrystalNacht, then the invasion of Canada (like Poland)then you what what follows.

why, i asked would Tump want to invade Canada.  Livingspace was her answer. right.  Sure.some of these idiots  watch the Hitler channel ( I mean the history channel) and learn a few big words  liebenstaum  and kristalnacht or Riechstag  and they think they  are authorities.  it’s laughable.  There’s livingspace here . . .Canada is part of the British commenwealth. That would be suicide. That’s just stupid.

Well there very well might be a round up of ‘undesirables’ so to speak . . and I can see the glum expression on the street peoples who had such a hey day here 10 years ago that they KNOW the fun times are over, glum expressions on a lot of Mexicans, a lot of people period . . .but there will be no second holocaust of the Jews here that’s for sure. they have a powerfull country  now and any real threat of that would be dealt with swiftly.  yeah the craziness is starting . . . as i walked downtown, I watched the protestors and they seemed to me to be highschoolers.  These aren’t the well schooled in guerrilla thought lefties i saw protesting in Madison, or the anarchists of Eugene. They are kids.  One dude got all nuts as  they passed and did the nazi salute and all kinds of crazy shit.  it’s bat shit crazy out there.  here too in the one sanctuary I have . . .continue to be hassled despite best efforts, never good enough.  They continue to blame Darrell and i.

Friday

battling depression today over a number of things.  I just re read my journals of may and June 2013 and looked at the pictures inserted of massive bed bug bites that no one seemed to be able identify, treat or diagnose untill the case becam catestrophic. No wonder any re creation of that creates deep despair, PTSD.  It was horrible.  How many times did i have the maintenance staff over in May-June 2013  before they finally diagnosised it??  Back then ther WAS a connection between Darrell’s street life, and time with the girls of the streets and what transfered to me . . . that has reoccured, less catastophically several times since then.  So there is nothing wrong with me for getting upset when the same energy plays out again.

I just cried and cried today as it all came back.

26th

Darrell planning to hit the road around the 1st.  The reality sets in.  Bed bugs fade into unimportance and all the confused reactions in relation to housing and darrell and all that traumatic stuff from the past.

Sunday night there was a major confrontation on his rez.  Water cannons , percussion grenades, rubber bullets turned on the Water protectors.  Shocked.  Could not understand why the media black out.  have been searching the internet the past few days and it seems there WAS a militant camp that was doing some stuff the tribe didn’t like. The strategy is to keep it non violent.  So i guess they have been asked to leave after this incident Sunday.  Looks like the environmental radicals have moved in, and th Sanders people are trying to direct the narrative . . i might be wrong.  Darrell says it’s time to step in now . . .set it straight, fight for his family.  This is affecting me too . . . I know some of his family members, i have, for better or worse been imersed in this story too.  Darrell would like me to come and photograph things.  Im not sure of my feelings right now . . . .Im wondering now if this is yet another Soros planned conflict (partly)and if he really is as bad as th alt right says he is.  Looks like Soros  likes to play God for the power of it, and his own gain, and the philanthropic donations are not as noble as they seem. They are going to take him down soon if what Im seeing across the internet is correct. Also it looks like donations from Green energy and the rail industry to this protest have been substantial . . .but  I don’t have a problem with that.  Darrell tells me the inside dirt on the money stuff. What he knows of it.   so which side am I on . . any? neither? Just an observer?  Am i ready to be injured, even killed, to give up everything to be on the lines if I am not wanted there?Wanted off the stage?   I did once but i am no longer Eugene Karen . . . or am I.

Going back with Darrell could  help set things right, give us back controll of the personal narrative about ourselves  instead of letting the Bernie people  demonize Karen to those people who might actually accept me.

Big decisions to make.  When Darrell goes, i may not see him again . . . he could be killed, or injured or develop pnuemonia . . but then, he has family.  Practically everyone in this fight is related to him.  Perhaps it best to let him finally fight for his own family after all these years, and take the role he has been ment for with out interfering.  I must accept, what ever is my fate, whatever is dealt me, like a strong adult.

(later) researching.  could not sleep.  The more i read and watch, the more i am convinced of the imorality . . .and cruelty of what is going on in Standing Rock.  I have heard thaat some kind of massive microwave type equipment was seen there . . . which basically cooks the fluids in body cells when a person is targeted, making them feel as if they are burning.  Can this be true?  Are they testing this stuff out??

Ward churchhill believes they will try to lquidate that tribe. That’s  Darrell’s family,his descendants, many of them.  Darrell is one of few full bloods still around . . . a descendent of chief Gall.    Others are saying that they will not compromise with the army corp of engineers order to disperse before the 5th.

I guess they are having a hard time reporting live from there.  So i will continue to post videos and try to inform people.  That’s the best thing i can do for now.  I might be most helpfull as back up from Bellingham when Darrell hits the road.  I can send money.  of course i could make money in St. Cloud too . . . that’s not far from Standing Rock.  probably more, if my folks will help me , and if the establishment , and others, leave me the fuck alone for a change.  Even if they don’t . . what am i made of if I can’t do what I believe is a moral imperative because i am cowed by imminent establishment charecter attacks, family ties . . . .I owe my aged parents freedom from strife . . . but no one else in St. Cloud.  That means leave my little sanctuary here . . . .and how i love my nest, poor thing that it is,  but even that has been no refuge, no sanctuary over the years . . surviellence and what amounts to pschological tourture via media . . no real privacy, hassled non stop over nothing . . . Darrell and i were hassled to the point of madness ( it WASN’T my fault, i protected him)   . . . would traveling with Darrell be wasted effort . . . only to be dispersed.  Darrell NEEDS to go now . . .straighten things out as he understands it.  If i go to St. Cloud will he bring battle to St. Cloud?  that’s MY folks Im thinking of. Would i be putting myself in position to be catalyst for that?

No one can understand what i have been going through.  They cannot imagian, as i review our history together and what future is ahead.

Sunday

Yesterday’s distress is not so overwhlemingthis morning.  Foggy and calm.  Feist playing as i prepare for breakfast.  Had Darrell over forbreakfast and dinner. Pissed him off because i got all weepy. he called me a coward for my doubts.  But i believe he understood what i was going through, what i was getting at.  Got in a swim and that made me feel better.  feel bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning, at peace, almost serene and looking forward to life for the first time in months.  Waiting for a call from Dad to see what he is willing to do if i go to St. Cloud.  Not drinking anymore . . maybe that’s why my emotions are spilling all over . . . . . if Dad says O>K then i may take the train to St. Cloud and set up.  It depends too on Darrell’s deicsions. Wether he still plans to take his truck over all the trecherous mountain terrian this time of year.  I know he wants help driving . . .but he could roundup someone for the trip.

Tuesday 30th

Most people advising me to stay put, to use my brain creatively from here rather than adding more bodies in North Dkota.  The Feds have said they will not enforce the tresspass order so the weight will be on the state, and energy Transfer goons.  Smart.  Darrell and i spent some rewarding time together the past couple of days. yesterday I brought over a bunch of groceries and he was delighted, as if he were planning on hanging on to his place . . then he talks about closing it all out and going back to get a house and part of the tribal money hehas been missing out on.  He wants to settle down after the fray, close to family.  t’s been his dream. He would like me there too, or near, like in St. Cloud.  Still have to talk to my Dad.  with all the ice and now 13 inches of snow on the praries I do not trust driving . . but i fear Darrell trying to do this alone.

Meanwhile, I’ve been caught up in Magnificent Century, kind of a Turkish soap opera set in the palace of the ottoman empires in the 16th century.  All kinds of harem intrique .  It’s  pretty romanticised , all these charecters think about is love, but they never have a practical, normal  conversation when they are with the person they desire.  Women who have pining away for th sultans attentions throw themselves emotionally at him when they are finally admitted to his chamber which, if i were a man, I would find  extremely annoying andd tiresome.  Does anyone ever ask how was your day? How  are you?

Turkey is a patriarchial society still and i believe their Muslim censorship laws make sexual explicit material prohibited ( I might be wrong) so this makes for a strange telling of harm life . . which is in reality all about sexuality and not romanticised love. A soap opera about the harem where the charecters cannot be sexualy explicit and only talk about love. . . . wow.  It’s a strange world these charecter inhabit . . . they must have found something to occupy thier time besides plotting, making themselves beautifull and hoping that the Sultan will call them to his private chamber.  I wonder what they really did.  when i look at pics on the internet they look like they are having a pretty good time,and the dress is more exotic( to use a western fascination ) than the diaphonous gowns depicted in the show.  It might not have been such a bad life.  The food was good. So was the medicine.   The hygiene was too compared to the lives of European women. And they got to socialize among themselves . . didn’t have to work hard. maybe, not so bad. But I suppose there’s the question of doing somethng meaningfull in the larger world . . .but that’s a western womans thinking.  Perhaps it would be sort of like living on Welfare with better clothes . . .except, you had to stay home. Hmmm . . . no t.v. . . .

(later) well, there’s always camp clean up . . . somebodys gotta do it when it fills up with trash and the hippies move on.  if we do go, by time we get there it will be time to pick up trash and do latrine duties.

That actually might be of more benifit to the tribe than a heroic stand on the 5th.





October 2016-

4 10 2016

Feeling down. Frumpy. Like nothing i do can ever make me feel young and some what attractive ever again. such thoughts make me want to go get some beer. This always makes a person more attractive. Or at least . . . it doesn’t matter quite so painfully for a while. Took Darrell shopping this morning intending to look for some good shoes for myself and maybe a warm shirt for him. We stopped at Freddys first and although my heart was set on some trim ankle boots i could not find anything to fit. My feet are funny. They are not trim ankle boot feet. They used to be cute, with little flipper toes . . . and it wasn’t really that long ago that i would flap my little flipper toes , my high arched feet next to Darrells flat feet and toes that were long and jointed as cameleon toes. Now my my feet were wide. Really wide. My big toes turned inwards creating big knots on either side of my toes. Bunions I believe they are called. My feet turn inward. Nothing fits. Absolutely nothing. Darrell however found a nice trim pair of hiking boots. I saw that pleading excitement when he presented them to me. that eagerness to shed to made to order diabetic footwear that spelled out age and disability, that looked like big flat flippers. of course I consented. I can tell when something really matters . . .that special apparrell.
Me, i could find nothing. No darling boots would fit my misshapen, old feet. Either my arch was too high or my foot too wide or those knobs got in
the way. So we took off in search of other shoe stores. Darrell was extraordinarily patient as we went from place to place. his joy at new boots utterly transformed his usual crabby reluctance to shop with me. Like the ugly stepsisters i tried to shove my foot into every boot he offered. And like an ugly stepsister I could not and finnaly had to resign myself to a frumpy pair of moccosins. The only thing that fit.
Now i am depressed. Chief has regained a more youthfull step out of this paycheck of mine . . and I , the frumpy moccosin wearer feel like that is apt metiphor. I am the frumpy moccosin wearer. it is the only shoe that fits. I have become . . not the dancer of my youth, the runner of my young adulthood . . but , when all is settled, only the frumpy moccosin wearer.

October 16

I promised Darrell that i would make up cards, prints and even tees out of his latest colored pencil drawing, still unfinished.  it’s a serious warrior portait.  It would make a good logo for the movement in Standing Rock.  It would sell like crazy.  The good news is that he went to work on it last night to finish it up.   So I will photograph it today, take it over to Kinkos to have it digitalized and make up a print order for the 20th, when I get a draw.  Also make up the tee shirt order and have it ready for action on the 20th.  I can only do a few tee shirts to start. However i can put it up on his websites and get the pay pal set up and start the P>R and taking informal orders.

Just when despair seems its darkest a eureka plan unfolds.  I do not know if Darrell plans on adding any script “I stand with Standing Rock” . . . he’s the artist. Either way, his signature on these timely items will gaurantee they are a hit when he gets to south Dakota.  That is one way i can help him, gain back my losses,without jepordizing my job or housing because of other recent problems.  eureka!!

October 20th

Happy day.  I found my boots, at last.  I got a decent pair of 8 bucks at a second hand store.  Now Im winterized. Well . . . I still need to get a pair of cold weather boots but there is some time.  Feeling good the past few days.  Keeping up with my swimming and staying sober.  collecting all kinds of local squashs, pumpkins, caulifleur, apples, beets ,carrots and walnuts.  tommarrow ill make some good soups, some borscht,

pare and freeze apples for pies and the rest for juice.  Quite happy with life today, Im managing every challenge that gets thrown my way and keeping everything afloat.

Thursday 27

Getting threatened again over Darrell. Now its . ..don’t bring your boyfriend into your home or visit or ride in his car you will be evicted with a 14 day notice.  I actually made it 6 months without being threatened by white paranoia . . . but now its ON again.  Trying to figure out a way to cope with this . . for now, Darrell is staying away .  He needs to pass his inspections and do more to deal with his problem .  hes working on it, but not intensive enough.  But this means that if we are seen riding  in his car together . . . the potential for someone making trouble for me is there. And there is a new lady exterminator hired on by BHA forcing these issues.  I got to wonder what would attract a woman to that profession.  I suppose all those hidden messages in commercials with exterminator themes over the years really got to a few souls with issues . . inspired them to mission.  Good work.

thursday (later) Chief took the car in for another break job.  This time the front breaks.  Holy cow that adds up to a lot of money.  he asked me for a postdated check but i said no, i payed for the back breaks and i need to pay for my parents meals on wheels, i can’t put it off.  i did however put gas in his car.  Drank a few beers last night in the comfot of my living room, but only a few so Im not in downward spiral. Watched the Pyramid code series last night night and it was the most awe inspiring, thought provoking series i have seen in ages.  Just when i despair of the human spirit and start to feel unjustly persecuted . . .I learn of the golden ages, the procession and how ancient cultures long, long ago had an understanding of this that leaves our present day conciousness in shame. Everything goes back to Egypt.  Everything.

so that is one good thing that elevated me out of my funk.  I went to the old town cafe and treated myself to breakfast this morning and that was a real treat.  it’s kind of a informal community hub, with local art and music and great selection of hot sauces.  I read an article by Bernie Sanders and he convinced me that globalist or not, organized crime type or not, despite the kill list, and so many other  things, Hillary can still do some good things for the country.  She did, after all, really try to reform health care back in the 90s.  i take back my skepticism about Bernie, he made a good arguement about why Trump will not be good fore business.After all, Trumps own businesses are outsourced .

I may or may not be targeted by bias and perhaps racisim in this community again regarding Darrell.  Certianly I am sensing resurgent jelousy, perhaps some paranoia,and some bullying . . some WE stuff again . . . we decide this, WE decide that, comply or get out , get out . . . . but it’s not everybody.  All i have to do is get out in the community a little to see that . . . but it’s enough to create emotional distress for me.  Darrell had been coming over a lot lately, a lot. perhaps we need a little time out and need to take care of out own crap.  There’s been some unhealthy game playing going on . . . Im not going to vent all over the place and become an emotional yo yo the way he, and others would like.  Im going to keep my job and my housing.  if Darrell threatens this in any way he needs to stay home.

I keep thinking he is lonely over there and i am doing him a favor by having him over to watch football.  But  perhaps he has to deal with the consequences of his choices or change them.  Just as i do.  i feel like running away everytime i get threatened by people who hold my security in the palm of their hand, wether it is job or housing or what ever   . .because i have been so overwhelmed by this in the past, it triggers all those memories . . . but Im doing good now.  Im not going to defy authority for Darrell’s sake any more . . in the past , it WAS racisim . . and i was in the right to defy community persecution by some unbalenced or downright hatefull people.  But he is  not helpless right now, or innocent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





September 1 2016

2 09 2016

At work. Very tired. The videos of the protest in Standing Rock keep pouring in.
Meanwhile, Darrell and I try out the new shocks on his car and do the casino. We breakfasted in Lynden this morning,among the bountifull and enormous hanging flowers . Later we treated ourselves to pasteries at the Lynden Dutch Bakery. This Standing Rock Hunkpapa was like a little kid when he saw those pasteries. So we treated in this Dutch themed town, among blond ladies with bob hair cuts and guys that look like they were straight out of a Van Gough painting. They cast startled side long looks at us. I don’t think they were accostumed to seing big, Sioux indians here, among the bountifull and enormous hanging flowers and the store fronts that try to look like Amsterdam. I am too damn tired to write anything more than we had a delightful day and Darrell is going out of his way to be sweet, here among the bountiful and enormous hanging flowers of Lynden. Far away from the protests in Standing Rock. But in his own way , he is making a statement too.

 

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Friday , Sept 2, 2016

Pay day. Darrell picked me up and once again we went to the Casino. he had his arm around me as we went in, sending a message.   he used up his money while i breakfasted . . and once again we seemed to be skewed in our attempts to co ordinate doing something together. We couldn’t find each other.  i had planned on giving him some play money but found him in the car after a search. From there we went to Walmart, the only place that carries sweats and active wear for larger people that isn’t unaffordable.  As much as i avoid Walmart, every fall we feel compelled to get our fall basics there.  if other stores carried clothes that reflected the degree of overweight people here in the U.S perhaps we wouldn’t have to shop there.  There Darrell wanted breakfast at Mc Donalds . . for both of us. There at Walmart it seemed we regained in tandem. I bought him a huge assortment of colored pencils and a good pencil sharpener and his eyes lit up again, also a belt and a light weight jacket . . one size smaller than we needed but at least wearable.  I left him with re charged phones, a few groceries, a tank full of gas and 90 bucks.  he spent a lot on fixing up his car , his pride and joy.  so now we each capitulated a little to each others tastes and did some things together again. I don’t mind spending money, nuturing and treating . . . and the art supplies excite his creativity again, and that’s his ticket to respect, I just dont like to feel taken advantage of so i made it clear that i WOULD NOT OVERDRAFT   to buy his weed. that adds up fast.  so today was feast after famine and the world was green was long anticapated rains.  it was good to do the casino(even if it is a waste) and drive around and shop a little. Once i understood the importance of nuturing  . . . the special treats of new clothes, art supplies and things  . The good side of me, not the side that sees resentment in everything.

Then, while i was in the check out line, glad that we were feeling safe and warm and in /tandem again . . i got a phone call telling me one of my co workers had been in a fatal car wreck. Just when you begin to feel that there is a spiritual pattern . . .a sort of recepocity, a meaning . . some meaningless thing happens, some random, senseless thing . . . and this was a co worker who had done me a kindness, who had been generous to me by giving me  a tablet, with nothing asked in return . . because i worried about Darrell not having any internet or cable. Sometimes a spontanious act of generosity with no strings attached  can shatter a person who has grown defenses against unkindness , dissa pointment , or worse.  I remember when i was a teenager i was at a journalism  and a teacher i really liked handed me a balloon and said “This is from me to you” . There was nothing premeditated about it, it was just a spontanious action of generosity.  i remember my eyes filled up with tears of emotion . . . a friend sitting next to me remarked: “It’s just a balloon.”

Perhaps that’s a faliure of the Journalistic mind.  they forgot the Red balloon. That tablet was not just  tablet.  It was the gesture that got to me.  that got through to me.  And now when i was feeling generous . . and no strings attached, just because some one needed something . . and that money was only money . . . i hear that the person who had gotten to me, a very loving and genuinely good person who greived a lot over the passing of a client long under her care . . . in a sudden moment of senselessness was no more. questions haunt my thoughts . . .what did she feel those moments before.

Did  everthing, life flash before her.  Was it sudden?  it is so disrespectfull to wonder . . . I am distraught.  . . . some times small thing can influence others .  She was so devoted to christian principals . . in the right way . . . .how can she know that she influenced me, and the people close tome?jennifer

9-6-16 Tuesday

Just got off on overnight ‘babysitting’ shift at the hospital with a client who needed nursing care.  We aren’t insured over there so we aren’t allowed to assist . Only offer personal care tips and info for the nurses to help them, keep an eye on monitors , and to alert nurses  when the client needs attention.  I took the oppurtunity to watch the nurses carefully and to see how smoothly they took care of his comfort needs, their level of professionalism and bedside manner.  i want to get to that point, where i feel confident and know exactly what needs to be done, exactl;y how to interact.

I have a lot of admiration for the ladies doing this . . . .they really have it down. What they do isn’t that much more complicated than what we do . . . it’s within range if i want to continue my classes.  But i have a long way to go.  I have developed asocial traits since my Minneapolis days.  I have to re learn natural caring . I just don’t call people sweet heart and pet them or caress them much . . just Darrell.  I never had kids . . there’s some pieces missing when it comes to all the right instincts.   I was encouraged that my client recognized me and spoke to me. I must be doing all right.  Or if I am not . . i haven’t heard about it personally.

Saturday

Market day.  Personal differances between Darrell and i seem to have evaporated. We follow and discuss the protests in Stnading Rock daily.

Darrell posted yesterday that he needs some financial help to get to Standing Rock to be a part of what may turn into a siege.  Even though the pipeline has been halted for now it could still escalate.

i thought the way the gathering handled the bulldozers and attack dogs was admirable. They are doing everything right, holding the moral high ground.

Sunday

Studying today for my State test.  Tired.  Many thoughts and buried emotions . memories resurfacing all of a sudden. I could write a book.

Thursday Sept 15,2016

Downtime at work. Tired. Too tired to write much.  Passed the test.  Feeling down all of a sudden.  Darrell picked me up after testing and we went to Lummi tohelp his friends haul water.  They live in a trailer in the woods without running water.  All the pups came out to greet me. Pit bulls bred for sale. They are gettin big.  One of them , Diesel, was stolden some time ago and the owner had been heartbroken.  Diesel was her favorite, unlike the other brown colored pups, Diesel was white with black spots.

Diesel was back now .  The owner had run into a man who said he was walking the dog for a friend and denied that the dog was stolden.  But Diesel knew his real owner and she got him back.   Apparently it was not a happy reunion.  Diesel’s  mother and his littermates attacked him and repeatedly ganged up on him when he returned so he has taken to keeping himself seperate.  He is a big boy, bigger than the others,he just doesn’t realize it yet.  He had such a sad look in his eye . Just like people, I thought, identifying with him. Just like people.  I watched the pack of dogs do their group thing and big old Diesel hanging out in the chair, not mingling,keeping seperate and looking sad and all I could think was how much I saw myself in that rez dog.  So similar to my own experience out here.

Just like people.

Amy Goodman talking about intimidation in Standing Rock, how reporters are being kept from telling their story.  I seem to remember a time, not so long ago when the left was doing everything in its power to keep me from telling my story, and much of it very different from the way it finally came out via the media and is currently understood.  Where were these ideas about freedom of speech then??

I have a lot of thoughts on teh developing situation in Standing Rock.  We discuss it a lot.  People don’t know what they are dealing with.  and Trump of all people, if he gets elected, may very well have to deal with an Indian war and of all people, he is the least equipt to understand and deal with it. both Hillary and Trump have a lot invested in that pipeline.  either way, the next president is going to have one hell of a situation to deal with in the time to come.  Darrell getting ready to take up the bow and arrow.  My time with him now is secretly solemn, when i think that i may never see him again . . something i swore i wished for everytime we had an arguement . . .he could be jailed, imprisoned, even killed if things heat up.  There’s things here i best not get into . . . .only that few people really get the full picture.

 

Monday

Shootings in St. Cloud.  somalian man, perhaps an Islamic soldier, stabbed 9 people.  2 people are dead but it’s not being reported.  I’ve been reading the commentaries.  I’ve seen the tensions rise between ‘old St.Cloud’ and the large Somalian population during my visits there over the past few years.  Every time I’ve commented on it, no matter how nuetral there is some kind of ‘media thing’ as i call it denouncing me as some kind of neo nazi or something. I’ve been cynical about all the resettlement into MN over the decades.  I was in Minneapolis in the 90s and saw a lot of stuff first hand . . including the hostility toward white Minnesotians, especially ‘White Cloud.’  some bellieve that what happened to me was in part, part of this hostility . . . it was what i represented.  Then the media,especially the left, but exclusively   spent 10 years trying to cover it up (and bragged about it) trying to do damage controll.  i believe they did not do damage controll but created a shit storm of damage, acutally fostered hate and aggression.  for example they sought to sell the idea to a ruffled St. Cloud that i was being shamed and punished for deplorable behavior and or attitudes . . . this was accepted and taken up with a fury tht scarred me for the rest of my life.  it got down right frightening . . i experienced a lot of fury at the hands of some white women, some very hurtfull stuff . . . and the men too, who embraced a ‘deserved’ rape fantasy gone viral.  But that was then. the point being that St. cloud has been a hotspot for some time . . . .with a lot of people watching it, and trying to shape attitudes ( fox and msnbc) . Now the situation is out in the open . . . and plenty of people are commenting in no uncertain terms .

the reesttlement of refugees and the active recruitment of people from Chicago into low income housing up in St. cloud has really changed the climate of the town I once lived in.  The residents complaining of tax burden and the host of problems that have arrived have some legitimate complaints.  I know too well the real malice that DOES exist towards them.  i also know the hatefullness and intollerence and down right cruelty that St. Cloud white people can show towards anyone who is different.  They too have expressed a level of malice.

My head was running in circles when i heard about this on the news.  I knew shit would hit the fan.  I wondered if the right could have orchestrated this  . . a sort of black ops to push the elctorate into Trumps camp.  I wondered about a whole lot of things . . . including my last visit back to St. Cloud with Darrell. something I have not written at lenghth about.  We were in and out before anyone really knew we were there . . yet even as Darrell’s truck was pulling out there was some one following us.  A war could have started very easily and there were those on both sides who were itching for it.  People on both sides sitting on their guns.  thankfully my parents were naturally gracious, no matter what they may have felt, and welcoming towards Darrell . . which took him aback.  They were nicer to him than he was towards them.  it was very stressfull to me.  they even had a place set out for him at the breakfast table in the morning . . which took him aback.  And my mother was awesome the way she related to Darrell,not with any fear or snobbery only concern that he was so tired.  I made a trip to the post office and encountered some attitude the next day . I thought to myself, St. Cloud people aren’t very nice . . but then again, when i went into some grocery stores i encountered such humility and salt of the earth warmth and helpfullness.

Later I encountered bragging out here in WA about how Darrell had ‘counted coup’ on . . . the enimy. (My elderly parents?) Those supremicists!!  I don’t believe Darrell was trying to count coup in St. Cloud . . how ever eager many were to see that in it . . and truthfully if encouraged, he WILL adopt that role among people like that . . . .he was, as far as i could see, trying to make a peace offering, a reconcilliation . . and it wasn’t easy for him to put himself there. Fox news too I noted later tried to make it sound like we had done something provocative . . . what a piece I shit i was!!  The truth was . . . I helped Darrell out with gas and he went out of his way to bring me all the way up to St. Cloud.  But something could have easily happened.  War could have bust out if say, some good old boy with a chip on his shoulders towards darrell or I had done something .  if we had stuck around too long.

All this was running through my mind as i listened to the reports and thought about how we had avoided war, conflict . . . how the stand with Standing Rocks crowds avoided conflict, did not let war erupt . . . and here was war erupting anyway after all this restraint . . . . now, all the issues about St. Cloud as a focal point over the decades will be out in the open.  it’s not just what karen had to say about it .

there’s always some one that ruins things.  I have had my opinions about policy in St. Cloud over the decades, my opinions about policy in Minneapolis . . and not all of it very popular.  I bet some of those kids who made fun of me when i was so traumatized at Madison and cheered on malicious actions were at that mall when the attack occured.

it’s going to get worse before it gets better.  Trump might very well get into office on this . . . the democrats policy in MN has created such animosity among lots of people and this will bring it to a boiling point.  They feel shit on.  That they are hard working people whose way of life is being drained for supposed altruism, and the question now is was the intent really altruistic??

I reprint an article, about the somlian experience of St. Cloud.

 

http://www.citypages.com/news/st-cloud-is-the-worst-place-in-minnesota-to-be-somali-7976833

 

Thursday

At work.  A little down time.  Seems like everything broke down this week.  The brakes went out on Darrell’s car. I stepped on my glasses. The bed bugs got aggressive. The vacuum cleaner belt bust.   I had no bike.  Yesterday i took out a large draw and we fixed things up. I shelled out about 330 for his breaks. He looked so mournful.  Like all his joy had been taken .. .i figured the cash was my contribution to the I stand with StandingRock.  Managed take an eye exam and get some glasses, buy a bike, buy a vac belt, buy a new bed frame and good mattress protectors , threw out a mattress and got new bedding.  so now we are mobile again, we can see and sleep .  We had a good dinner.  I made my famous Shepard’s pie  . . . or as Darrell likes to call it … my German Shepard pie.  A good day.  I got in a swim too.

There’s much on my mind but i am tired.  If I write about the sense of accomplishment I feel from taking care of daily business, getting things in order . . those small ordinary pleasures and goals then I am shallow, without the mind to write of deeper things.  If I write about larger issues . . then people get mad . . .sometimes I want to take things on,sometimes I want peace and want to get along with people. Sometimes i keep silent on larger issues for a reason.  Sometimes I feel so torn up by something that i cannot help myself . . i articulate my worries, distresses, sense of injustice . . .it all depends. Tonight, I am tired but happy that i took care of us .  Empowered us again.  It’s the right kind of energy. So Im broke ….I got stuff to do.

 

thursday

Feeling down now. Guess things haven’t been going right lately at work.  this weekend they really needed me to cover for some one with the flu and I was having trouble getting a ride. I didn’t want to overdraw to get gas . . . and the car wasn’t running very good . . . So i told them we didn’t have gas money.  Now i see how that must have gone over . . . I should have overdrafted for something that important.  It really makes me look like a loser, unprofessional. Not a team player.  And perhaps i have been unprofessional.  i think that really bothered some people, even though they found some one else to cover those shifts.  Perhaps, at an unconcious level i was bummed out by ‘problem’ peoples taking up so much of my time ( in my personal life too) and suddenly feeling defensive about my off time to myself.  I wasn;t drinking at all over the weekend. in fact, I hadn’t done any drinking during my work week before that.   I was making up a lot of food for Darrell and I over the weekend.   At any rate . . despite my feeling last night that my life was back on an upward trajectory it seems i made some mistakes, med errors.  Also, one of my clients who is difficult was much more so.  perhaps because her meds were changed.  Her behavior seemed markedly more psychotic to me.  When she hit me, hard, in the morning because i picked out underwear she didn’t like i drew the line . . I am  normally super patient with any challenging behaviors but i did let her know i was angry. i told her she could not do that.  later when she was calmer i tried to rub her shoulders and show a little affection to let her know it was o.k. and we still cared . . .but i guess she reported me for abuse to the police.  of course, i am just one in a long line of people she imagines are trying to harm her , and i was cleared of any mis doing . . but when that happens it means we’re not clicking and they have to take that caregiver off for a while.  why was i losing my professional focus lately?? Perhaps the long drive out to Lynden and the screwed up sleep time table is messing with me more than i realize , perhaps Im not really adaptable to the overnight awake . . . alot of people can’t and won’t hack it. A lot of times with this particular client she gets up in the middle of the night and wants me to listen to at least an hour of schizophrenic ranting . . which i do, only hinting that perhaps she would like to go back to bed . . . not pushing her, just trying to listen and give responses that show Im attentive . . . but often it’s hard, when she is abusive s she was last night.  I don’t know what i could have done to make myself more focused, not making mistakes from exhaustion . . . i got in a swim, i took care of my own self during my private time as well as the people I care about. i didn’t abuse drugs or alchohol . . . .at least, not recently . . . Did this swirling tornado of thoughts and  buried emotions and personal history ( and it was big, deep) triggered by things  in the Midwest mess with the way I project myself??  Was i edgy or preoccupied?  I hope this is only temporary.

Saturday

Im back on the schedual. Ill be working at Aaron Drive this week.  Talked with supervisor and all is cleared up.  Off to do the market.

Monday

The big t.v. gave out. On game day too . . . Darrell spent thw whole day at my place, watching the small t.v. in his old bedroom and later catching up on computer games.  it was relaxing and I liked his company.  It was the way it used to be once when he felt like my place was his home.  Something between us has changed now and there are  no longer any problems.  I watched the Borgias on my tablet all afternoon.  When he left he had a long bear hug.  The day is coming closer and closer when he will take off for Standing Rock.  I may not see him for a long time.  I may never see him.  As much As i wrote badly of him i really cannot imagine a universe without Darrell in it somewhere near.  He was a handfull but he was a rare man and that’s why i loved him despite everything.  Artist.  A real warrior.  Never greedy.  Sensitive and feeling. never assimilated, always his own indiviual self. After so many years of searching, of disastrous attempts at relationships i finally met a full man. . . and i stayed with him for almost 20 years, good or bad.    I didn’t always know what I had.  I think too, he is beginning to think something like that about me too . . . .he also, didn’t always know what he had. Out time together now is precious.  Every moment matters to me now and i try to appreciate it.  Soon he will go, and fight for his people.

9-29-16  Thursday

 

I rather enjoyed working at Aaron drive Monday.  Tonight . . Littlefield.

Dream:

I went to Standing Rock to be a part of a large street march.  there were lots of little shops.  When i got to where the march was gathering I ran into many people I knew.  Danette, Derek, Micheal Hall and their whole clan were there.  They seemed angry with me and did not want to visit.

I guess Darrell will not be taking off after all.  We are back to the same old same old . . Honeymoon, then he coaxes me to come over and help him, cook and clean , give back rubs  then . . . . same old same old . . . . ending with me in emotional pain and upset swearing i will never go back . . . . feeling like a fool for falling for it AGAIN. No end in sight now . . . winter coming on soon.  if he does not hit the trail soon the mountain highways will be increasingly dangerous.  He can still take off in November . . but he is heading into cold weather out there and i bet a lot of people have or will disperse by then.