January 2017

8 01 2017

Had a biopsis done yesterday.  No fun.  Just waiting for results.  Still in a kind of shock and trying to process this.  Just got a notification from social security that i am nearing the end of my trial work period and they will make a determination soon about wether to continue benifits.  No question they will be denied . .  and now, when the possibility of surgery loams ahead, and soon, my medical coverage ends.  nothing but trajety no matter what i do . . how i strategize for the future. No words of support from Darrell, he didn’t want to hear about it, just ask for more money, more money for his weed.  perhaps that’s all it ever was all along.

 

Jan 14

Still waiting for Biopsis results.  They are in but no Nurse is available untill Tuesday to discuss these results.  Everything feels like it is collapsing all at once and perhaps it is.  I let Darrells indifffernec get to me in the deepest part of my soul and it has confused me, haven’t been able to THINK, get my social priorities straight and it has cost me personally and at the work place.  As always . . . i use the right tools to rise above whatever in life is causing me distress untill something happens to put a chink in that armour,  turn bad energy inward, against my self . . perhaps it is a cry, or a safe way to protest . . .but the self destructive ‘collapse’ even when its repaired quickly can cast a shadow on other areas of my life.  it provides excuse for anger at  karen, the problem.

I think it would hurt anyone to feel like their partner, on hearing the news that ones life may be in jeporday, that one MAY die, or go throw a devestating illness says that it is spoiling his high.  he doesn’t want to hear about it.  it makes  person feel so alone.  having to face stuff alone. Seems like everyone has ganged up on me lately . . . it was my faliure of professionalism to let it influence my preparedness or focus on the job . . . but this is an old story that has been going on for years.  I just wish they would hurry up and give me the results . . . this waiting and waiting is terrible.  what will i do if it’s cancer.  Especially if i lose insurance to pay for treatment??  I am not living in a sympathetic environment . . . perhaps i could just pick up and travel someplace before I can’t.

After everything i do for people . . they shrug and say thanks but still,  I am the problem, my  cancer concerns , concerns about fatality , the future . . it spoils our high. Just keep paying for that high untill you die.  pretty damn brutal . But then . . it always was . . . i just learned to cope with it, and find a way to nourish myself and ignore people or rise above what i knew they were doing.  I even was able to find my own happiness . . .

i fucking wish they would hurry up and give me the results.

 

1/16

Wow.  i can’t believe that Trump smacked John lewis like that, on Martin Luther King Holiday too.  I know that Trump is making a statemnt  like if you attack my capabilities and qualifications  i will give back as good as i get and i get i don’t care who you are, no one is above getting it back . . . but . . . .jeez, John Lewis is an icon, and he is a nice guy too.  I don’t think Trump realizes the place Lewis   holds in Black peoples esteem.  He is really playing with fire.  What, does he WANT a riot??? Before he even gets elected??  That is NOT good diplomacy. it’s not diplomatic at all.  its provocation.  I dodn’t think that guy is going to last very long.

1/17

yeah!! I’m good to go.  Growths were benign.  No cancer!!  Still fat and sassy..Especially fat.

1-22

tired.  so much to write about but asthma, triggered by exposure to strong cleaning supplies at work has my ass wupped.  Darrell and i getting on now . . . he has been sleeping on his couch which has aburpt sides and isnat long enough  and it is causing headaches , neck aches and back aches.  i got him  a two tiered inflatable mattress.  he cant get off the floor when the mattress is on the floor.  I was hurting when he didnt give me  some support when i called the night of my biopsis.  I really retracted .  But . . . .i guess we have a bond,

Many thoughts about recent events but . . . that asthma . . . woulod rather journal when i have enough oxygen.

1-23

Feeling better. But have a nightmare hangover. woke up calling out,

The dream;

I was the head cook in a large  assisted living type facility, which also seemed to be a group home with many wings.  Iwas searching for the day’s menu.  Everywhere I looked i could not find it.  i was spending a lot of time searching for the days menu .  I was trying to call Jan, my supervisor.  Once again, i could not locate her number any where . . i had my tablet but in the dream i could not manage to bring up the number.  I was becoming very distressed because i would not get breakfast out and lunch started. My tablet broke in two.  I was ready to cry.  i decided to quit because it was hopeless.

it was one of those cook frustration nightmares . . . anyone who has ever worked as a cook has probably had this nightmare.

I am training on day shift this morning .  i trained last week on day shift at two places.  I fell asleep the week earlier on my second overnight, not for very long but that is a no no so they changed my schedual around. Dang, i rather liked those ON shifts . . . it was like my refuge.  I got paid for being left alone to watch Magnificent Century , my Turkish soap opera.  Now I have to do some real work again.  Actually, I had as much to do in the mornings, during my overnights as the day shift.  it’s more spread out during the day shift.   I also have other job offers to consider that are closer to home and that is tempting . . so i have some decisions to make in the next day or so.  They have some home care sleep overnights with cranky older people available . . i can deal with that, hell yeah, Cranky old guys i know something about, it won’t faze me.

The only problem is i have to renew my license soon.  They were supposed to send out the paperwork last week but i haven’t got it yet.  My current employer pays for that license renewal . . . but not  if I give notice of course.

Yesterdays news was dominated by the women’s marchs.  I listened to the speeches by Gloria Stienem, Micheal Moor, Scarlett Johansen and Elizabeth Warren.  I also started crocheting a pinkish hat16174637_10212428147998534_3629186294958863549_n . . ever casting an entrepreneurial eye on circumstances.  There’s a whole lot i could write about ‘the love’ that social justice movements believe they are embracing this year . . . .and i could write a lot about times when it was not so loving when it was targeting me . . . I seem to remember Micheal Moore refering to me back in 2004 or so as a ‘piece of shit.’  On t.v.  And i wondered as far back as madison days where are the feminists like Gloria Stienem when awfull commercials were being broadcast with hidden messages viciously mocking me . . plenty of women GOT those hidden messages and found them entertaining.  The was a time when i felt some of the worst hate crime in America was woman on woman . . . and that some of the worst mysogany was on the left . . .  but why rehash all that.  It’s all been said before . . . it only antagonizes people who are NOT so cruel these days , . . time allows people to forget everything. Almost.

 

On my  FB home page-A poem     “Fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck you and Fuck your hat” by Donna Lauth  (Alaska) Also by Donna;16114735_10208087721606120_7837984807447120761_n  jeez, is that addressed to me?? Looks internalized to me.  Which only illustrates my point in the earlier posting. here’s some tidbits on the pink hat theme from Sally and her Daughter . i had to unfriend some people.  Not that i was offended by thelema’s brain hat . . but Sally’s stuff shows up on MY page when she comments on thelemas posts and i can’t have her bullshit on my page.  here’s a thought . . . how about this ‘brain hat’ in brown.  A shit for brains hat.  id make them.

thumbnail-brains-1-696x392in-brown

January 24 2016

Woke up actually feeling pretty sparky for a change, despite asthma.  I think the change to Day shifts has made the difference.

 

January

Much has happened.  computer got infected and crashed with all my docs.  Started second job.  I guess my Mom had my Dad move into the basement  . . so he called me to unload.  Crazy shit there . . . don’t have time to write about it now.

 

 

 

 

 

 





December 2016

6 12 2016

Down time at work. Had a fun time with my client this evening playing bop the caretaker with the skien of yarn game. Almost as fun as making snort and oink noises when she tilts my head back . . . which sends her in peals of laughter.
Feeling pretty good tonight, physically and emotionally. We decided to head off to the Midwest towards Standing Rock, and for me St. Cloud next week. Maybe as early as Tuesday or as late as Friday.

Tuesday.  Dec 6

Feeling Very depressed about a number of dissapointments right now. The good news is that i have 2 weeks vacation starting on the 9th. Drive or train?? Blizzarding in the Dakotas now, sub zero temps, snoqualimie pass is due for snow on Friday and Darrell used up his money.  I could still ferry him over to his rez enroute to St. Cloud. But not much cash to spare in case of emergencies.  Ive got a chest cold too.

Water protectors won a temporary victory.

Friday Dec 9th

Snow and blowing winds and cold as ll hell out. Today I must get ready for the trip. Much to do.  Im taking the train and Darrell will come out later.  He won’t leave without his car and the paases are too too treacherous right now.  I bought his some thermal under wear, warm socks and a vest.  may get him a padded sweat shirt to wear under his coat too before I go. Got myself a few items at value village and all set now.

I may have some lady problems. Hope its just an unexpected surge of hormores andnothing serious.  Im wondering if the maternal nature of my work and the physical nuturing i give to Challen might actually trigger some biological changes.  if not . . well, we are all mortal .  . and the path into old age does not get smoother.  We could be stricken with unexpected illness, heart faliure, falls, cancers,strokes . . you name it.  This is on my mind these days. oddly, I feel suddenly gratefull for what I have out here in WA, we aren’t doing so badly these days .Darrell and i had a nice evening and had a pleasent dinner. . but all things come to an end. I  have such a feelin of our time now being very short.This may be the last time I and the people i love best are all here on this earth.  I have a feeling that the future of us all will not be what we expecvted, that something catastrophic for mankind is around the corner.

December 13   3 A.M.

Not feeling well.  Can’t put my finger on it but something seems wrong.

Not many people on the train.  shared breakfast with an interesting fellow and we went through 3 or 4 cups of coffee shooting the breeze.  My reception here at home has been polite, but not not enthusiastic . . . they seem rather disintereste and I am wondering now about all these plans to move here to look after them in the next years.  I know my mother would only resent it very quickly . . .I get the feeling even now that i better make this a short visit or Ill get ‘the speech’ as I call it.  I just got here . . . . oh well, right now i don’t really care.  I don’t really know what’s going down. I sense a resurgence of blame once again. No matter WHAT I do.  perhaps the media have been at it again.   it’s been settled for good.  probably, collective opinion being solidified in Standing rock with all those people.  maybe not.  It feels hopeless.

I feel depressed and want to be back in my apartment once again.  perhaps that is where i belong . . .if people decide they have to kill me because Im there and they don’t want me there then they will.  Im not going to make anymore moves for anybodies sake.

If it is media . . .at it again . . . .there’s too many people now who know how much they routinely lie. The damage they do. Even Denzel Washington layed it out recently.  he said; they dont’ care what they say, they don’;t care if it’s true, they don’t care who they destroy or who they hurt . . . .my man. You know it. hannity was refering to them as the abusive media last night.  You know it.  But i don’t care about that anymore either . . it’s come back on them.  they are panicking now with Trump almost in office.  Trying to pull a coup from what i can see.  These are interesting times . . .so much happening all at once, huge changes,

Well the girls at the YMCA here were being friendly.  Have not encountered any bad energy here in St. Cloud. Other than Mom not really wanting me here . . . .I don’t know what they are going to do.  it’s obvious she is in need of care. She will be in full dementia soon . . .she cant be left alone or do anything in the kitchen. if it isn’t me then it has to be somebody/  here i am offering to rip up my life out West and make changes to be near enough to assist them and she still has that underlying resentment against me.  that old “get lost’ undergrowl.  I guess i don;’t feel sorry for her  . . or dad, anymore . . .  .When i asked if they would like me to move closer by so i could help out with meals and ‘babysitting’ so to speak they both seemed so indifferent.  You do what you want to do.

Thursday

Well it has turned out to be a good visit after all.  We had much fun yesterday. Patty came over.   Mom has gotten so thin.

Tuesday December 20th

Back home in Bellingham watching my Turkish soap opera.  I have started a fast of sorts . . just liquids, broth, juice for 5 days . . maybe more and then a diet with no gluten, no dairy, no fried spuds  . . . just a bowl of museulli or cereal in themorening with rice or soy milk, and a banana, soup for lunch and maybe and apple or oranbe and something like brocoli and chicken for dinner.  I want to see if all this inflamation and bloating will go away. .. i can’t go on like this.  Darrell too has been in a lot of physical pain. Emotional too.  he wanted so badly to be home for Christmas.  But the storms made car travel tooo risky, especially with no heater.   i bought him a nice warm parka for Christmas, that should help. Filled up his tank, bought him some weed and tobacco ,made steak dinner and then took him out for boomer burgers but he is still going totally pscho on me . . .in the car where my only option would be put up or get out and walk miles to a bus stop.  h efrightened me a lot yesterday.  I hate to pack up and leave.  its funny how quickly my environment and netowrk of contacts here , except for work, bring me down so quickly in to that cycle of violence, as soon as i try  to leave it which escalates several times a year.  it was escalating quietly when i left.  I better take this serious . . it’s so easy to forget once it’s past, it’s a pretty classic pattern . . . what makes this case unusual is how many people get swept up in it. its like automatic around here.    Im tired of all the anger.

Well im not going to give any one a peg to hang me on, make it easy to abuse because of self destructive drinking, or anything.  I take care of myself financially, emotionally, physically I can stay on top of it and cope with it all . . . but doing this will bring on retaliationin one form or another.  So i must be prepared and guarded emotionally.

Christmas Eve

Made cookies all day yesterday, and cinnamon rolls, while Donna and Darrel hung out.  Donna brought her new puppy.  part German shepard and part Eskimo dog.  I fell in love with that puppy . . she is beautiful.  Had my doctor’s appointment at P.P.  They found a polop and schedualed me for further tests . . I have to get some ultra sound.  Donna scored a 3 bedroom house in Oregon, south of Eugene!! Dang!!  Now Darrell has someplace to visit for a while. I expect Donna will be heading down there pretty quick. Perhaps in the next few days.   I told Darrell that he ought to go with Donna, be with her  out in the open.  Her boyfriend took off for Alaska, she has a house now instead of living on the streets . . he could throw in for rent and claim one of the rooms . . they get along so splendidly . . . it seems obvious to me.  You go with what makes you happy.  I told him to find some one who makes him happy . It makes me sad that he never feels it is me and that he has to let me know it all the time, but there it is.  I think we were searching more for meaning, identity , the big picture . . more than happiness, or we wouldn’t have put up with all the stuff we did over the years.  But perhaps now it is time to go with what brings happiness and joy.

I too would like to see Oregon again.

I dreamt i was taking a bunch of classes.  That i was trying to choose between art classes and a pallette of others.  it was exciting.  The other day i said something about how i wish i could re do highschool and take advantage of all those free classes I was too lazy to take then, not realizing the worth of them . . like economics, shop, biology, business.   perhaps its time to direct that  path towards some fun, some happiness . . learn some new skills, meet some new people. go hiking.

i am always learning . . .I watch u tube documentaries a lot and explore all kinds of ideas . . i just don’t write about it or have anyone to really talk to about things.

Dec 26

it feels good to take it easy today.  Kick back and watch some breaking bad and drinking a tea of nettles, mullien  and skullcap for a developing cold. Lentils soup in the Crock.  Earlier today I got in a swim and then i felt awfull , strange, as if i were on a different plane, like a flash back to a different mind set, different awareness and memories, more aware of sensory detail and memory but not comfortable, and full of cravings.  They were overwhelming but when i wandered into the grocery store to get some suff  i passed the liqour section and the thought of it made me sick to my stomach.  Eventually the cravings passed and now i feel strangly better than i have in a while. less like crying. I am going through some physiological changes now . . . the next months are goin to be tough sometimes.  I will have more of these episodes but that is part of the process.

I really tried to DO Christmas for my friends Donna and Darrell. They brought the pup over and we actually had a fun evening, trying our hand at beat poetry which made us laugh.  Darrell pretended to be crabby about his new parka but i could tell he was happy.    It looks so sharp on him and boy did he need it.  I made the mistake of putting on a utube documentary last night about what was happening on the Lakota reservations . . . and i think it hit a place of deep pain with him, he seemed to be asleep and wouldn’t rouse . . and when he did he was a bastard.  I should have been more thoughtful.  I guess tonight will be zootopia or something if he comes over.  Feels good to rest,to be done with family, holidays, decisions about moving and relationship status and center again.





November 2016

4 11 2016

My boss asked me if i wanted to work full time. She says i am doing an awesome job. Did you here that? Awesome.
I have some big decisions to make.
She was amazed that i got the new client into the shower this morning. She’d refused to shower for 3 days. shoot, handling her was a breeze. I cut my teeth throwing drunks into the shower . . . all that experience was prelude to a higher purpose it seems. he he

Nov 7

Made a turkey yesterday.  Tonight we feast.  Left overs for thanksgiving . . or a community dinner somewhere.

I am made happy by the way that Darrell has stepped up to the plate and put the nessesary work into his place and car. I asked him to film it to thwart any further threats against me if I hae him over to visit. that way their is documentation that can legally used.    i feel confident enough to have him over to watch the game .

I have some big decisions to make regarding my parents right now.  We are in agreement that I will come back to St. Cloud to help them out.  I was in an escapist frame of mind, very hurt and confused and retraumatized when i started getting threats that threatened to bring down my world up here . . . but now that that is under controll ,running back to St. Cloud seems so utterly depressing.  My folks would try to dominate my choices and lifestyle the way they always have . . and not complying could end of with me being totally alienated . . which has been the pattern in the past.  I would not have been so alienated in Minneapolis if it were not for this pattern.  The reasons for going back have to do with my mother’s failing health and my fathers inablity to bring in outside help of make lifestyle changes.  Darrell is moving to Standing Rock soon and i do not know if this will be permanent or if he intends to get new housing up here.  he talks of getting a house in Mc Laughlin.  I do not know the attitude of his people towards me right now, if they even have an attitude one way or th other right now.  Certianly I have been cast as a person who brought negative controversy on the peoples.  My blogging about my life over the years bothered some people and there were extreme actions to silence or discredit what i described.  Most people in America have bought into the false story . . .and are unwilling to change their attitudes which became pretty hatefull at times.  It was orchestrated hate.  Not EVERYONE hates Karen.  The media does and they want to believe everyone else does too.  Only weaker minds.  people outside the mainstream influences close to the situation over the years were more objective.

All that aside . . . . there is an admirable coming together transpiring on Darrell’s rez right now that has the gaze of the world on it.  i do not want to distract or cast a shadow on this so im not going to go into the ‘conspiracy’ stuff, the ‘what went down’ or ‘lets finish the job stuff’ . . . .thats just focused malicious or scapegoating energy.  Free floating evil.  It is a seperate issue.  The stuff that is going on in Standing Rock now arises from a much more concious place.  At any rate . . . i do not know the attitude right now and wether it would be advisable to plan on going with Darrell.  or wether I would be happy.  So what would make me happy?  Could i be happy here if i continue to live here.  Could i find some happiness in Minnesota near my folks, helping out their time of need.

There much going through my mind about national politics right now. Its come as a surprise to the establishment that the patriot movement and the alt. right as it’s called got so big and powerfull . . that someone like Alex Jones could actually come so close to upsetting the status qou.  Trump actually has a chanch of winning.  It remains to be seen.

Wed November 9

It’s Trump day! It was fun to watch the reactions of MSNBC. At least for me.  God bless the Bullshitting media for never understanding anything . . and thinking if they just bullshit a little more . . . . they didnt HAVE to cover the email protocol non-scandal 24 hours a day, 7 days a week . . . or force Bernie out of the race.  Now theres a rush on Canadian immigration sites . . so many people threatening immigration because they are afraid, because they couldn’t have their way . It takes a long time to get through the immigration process into Canada.  After all the open borders controversy . Now they want to flee the mess they created that created a Trump reaction. Interesting.  I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind right now . . . but they will keep untill later.

Thursday

Massive protests going on here in Bellingham . . for 2 days now.  Crazy energy exploding everwhere.  Paranoia rampant. One lady was trying to tell me it was going to be Hitler’s Germany all over again.  martial law. suspention of rights and liberties. Then KrystalNacht, then the invasion of Canada (like Poland)then you what what follows.

why, i asked would Tump want to invade Canada.  Livingspace was her answer. right.  Sure.some of these idiots  watch the Hitler channel ( I mean the history channel) and learn a few big words  liebenstaum  and kristalnacht or Riechstag  and they think they  are authorities.  it’s laughable.  There’s livingspace here . . .Canada is part of the British commenwealth. That would be suicide. That’s just stupid.

Well there very well might be a round up of ‘undesirables’ so to speak . . and I can see the glum expression on the street peoples who had such a hey day here 10 years ago that they KNOW the fun times are over, glum expressions on a lot of Mexicans, a lot of people period . . .but there will be no second holocaust of the Jews here that’s for sure. they have a powerfull country  now and any real threat of that would be dealt with swiftly.  yeah the craziness is starting . . . as i walked downtown, I watched the protestors and they seemed to me to be highschoolers.  These aren’t the well schooled in guerrilla thought lefties i saw protesting in Madison, or the anarchists of Eugene. They are kids.  One dude got all nuts as  they passed and did the nazi salute and all kinds of crazy shit.  it’s bat shit crazy out there.  here too in the one sanctuary I have . . .continue to be hassled despite best efforts, never good enough.  They continue to blame Darrell and i.

Friday

battling depression today over a number of things.  I just re read my journals of may and June 2013 and looked at the pictures inserted of massive bed bug bites that no one seemed to be able identify, treat or diagnose untill the case becam catestrophic. No wonder any re creation of that creates deep despair, PTSD.  It was horrible.  How many times did i have the maintenance staff over in May-June 2013  before they finally diagnosised it??  Back then ther WAS a connection between Darrell’s street life, and time with the girls of the streets and what transfered to me . . . that has reoccured, less catastophically several times since then.  So there is nothing wrong with me for getting upset when the same energy plays out again.

I just cried and cried today as it all came back.

26th

Darrell planning to hit the road around the 1st.  The reality sets in.  Bed bugs fade into unimportance and all the confused reactions in relation to housing and darrell and all that traumatic stuff from the past.

Sunday night there was a major confrontation on his rez.  Water cannons , percussion grenades, rubber bullets turned on the Water protectors.  Shocked.  Could not understand why the media black out.  have been searching the internet the past few days and it seems there WAS a militant camp that was doing some stuff the tribe didn’t like. The strategy is to keep it non violent.  So i guess they have been asked to leave after this incident Sunday.  Looks like the environmental radicals have moved in, and th Sanders people are trying to direct the narrative . . i might be wrong.  Darrell says it’s time to step in now . . .set it straight, fight for his family.  This is affecting me too . . . I know some of his family members, i have, for better or worse been imersed in this story too.  Darrell would like me to come and photograph things.  Im not sure of my feelings right now . . . .Im wondering now if this is yet another Soros planned conflict (partly)and if he really is as bad as th alt right says he is.  Looks like Soros  likes to play God for the power of it, and his own gain, and the philanthropic donations are not as noble as they seem. They are going to take him down soon if what Im seeing across the internet is correct. Also it looks like donations from Green energy and the rail industry to this protest have been substantial . . .but  I don’t have a problem with that.  Darrell tells me the inside dirt on the money stuff. What he knows of it.   so which side am I on . . any? neither? Just an observer?  Am i ready to be injured, even killed, to give up everything to be on the lines if I am not wanted there?Wanted off the stage?   I did once but i am no longer Eugene Karen . . . or am I.

Going back with Darrell could  help set things right, give us back controll of the personal narrative about ourselves  instead of letting the Bernie people  demonize Karen to those people who might actually accept me.

Big decisions to make.  When Darrell goes, i may not see him again . . . he could be killed, or injured or develop pnuemonia . . but then, he has family.  Practically everyone in this fight is related to him.  Perhaps it best to let him finally fight for his own family after all these years, and take the role he has been ment for with out interfering.  I must accept, what ever is my fate, whatever is dealt me, like a strong adult.

(later) researching.  could not sleep.  The more i read and watch, the more i am convinced of the imorality . . .and cruelty of what is going on in Standing Rock.  I have heard thaat some kind of massive microwave type equipment was seen there . . . which basically cooks the fluids in body cells when a person is targeted, making them feel as if they are burning.  Can this be true?  Are they testing this stuff out??

Ward churchhill believes they will try to lquidate that tribe. That’s  Darrell’s family,his descendants, many of them.  Darrell is one of few full bloods still around . . . a descendent of chief Gall.    Others are saying that they will not compromise with the army corp of engineers order to disperse before the 5th.

I guess they are having a hard time reporting live from there.  So i will continue to post videos and try to inform people.  That’s the best thing i can do for now.  I might be most helpfull as back up from Bellingham when Darrell hits the road.  I can send money.  of course i could make money in St. Cloud too . . . that’s not far from Standing Rock.  probably more, if my folks will help me , and if the establishment , and others, leave me the fuck alone for a change.  Even if they don’t . . what am i made of if I can’t do what I believe is a moral imperative because i am cowed by imminent establishment charecter attacks, family ties . . . .I owe my aged parents freedom from strife . . . but no one else in St. Cloud.  That means leave my little sanctuary here . . . .and how i love my nest, poor thing that it is,  but even that has been no refuge, no sanctuary over the years . . surviellence and what amounts to pschological tourture via media . . no real privacy, hassled non stop over nothing . . . Darrell and i were hassled to the point of madness ( it WASN’T my fault, i protected him)   . . . would traveling with Darrell be wasted effort . . . only to be dispersed.  Darrell NEEDS to go now . . .straighten things out as he understands it.  If i go to St. Cloud will he bring battle to St. Cloud?  that’s MY folks Im thinking of. Would i be putting myself in position to be catalyst for that?

No one can understand what i have been going through.  They cannot imagian, as i review our history together and what future is ahead.

Sunday

Yesterday’s distress is not so overwhlemingthis morning.  Foggy and calm.  Feist playing as i prepare for breakfast.  Had Darrell over forbreakfast and dinner. Pissed him off because i got all weepy. he called me a coward for my doubts.  But i believe he understood what i was going through, what i was getting at.  Got in a swim and that made me feel better.  feel bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning, at peace, almost serene and looking forward to life for the first time in months.  Waiting for a call from Dad to see what he is willing to do if i go to St. Cloud.  Not drinking anymore . . maybe that’s why my emotions are spilling all over . . . . . if Dad says O>K then i may take the train to St. Cloud and set up.  It depends too on Darrell’s deicsions. Wether he still plans to take his truck over all the trecherous mountain terrian this time of year.  I know he wants help driving . . .but he could roundup someone for the trip.

Tuesday 30th

Most people advising me to stay put, to use my brain creatively from here rather than adding more bodies in North Dkota.  The Feds have said they will not enforce the tresspass order so the weight will be on the state, and energy Transfer goons.  Smart.  Darrell and i spent some rewarding time together the past couple of days. yesterday I brought over a bunch of groceries and he was delighted, as if he were planning on hanging on to his place . . then he talks about closing it all out and going back to get a house and part of the tribal money hehas been missing out on.  He wants to settle down after the fray, close to family.  t’s been his dream. He would like me there too, or near, like in St. Cloud.  Still have to talk to my Dad.  with all the ice and now 13 inches of snow on the praries I do not trust driving . . but i fear Darrell trying to do this alone.

Meanwhile, I’ve been caught up in Magnificent Century, kind of a Turkish soap opera set in the palace of the ottoman empires in the 16th century.  All kinds of harem intrique .  It’s  pretty romanticised , all these charecters think about is love, but they never have a practical, normal  conversation when they are with the person they desire.  Women who have pining away for th sultans attentions throw themselves emotionally at him when they are finally admitted to his chamber which, if i were a man, I would find  extremely annoying andd tiresome.  Does anyone ever ask how was your day? How  are you?

Turkey is a patriarchial society still and i believe their Muslim censorship laws make sexual explicit material prohibited ( I might be wrong) so this makes for a strange telling of harm life . . which is in reality all about sexuality and not romanticised love. A soap opera about the harem where the charecters cannot be sexualy explicit and only talk about love. . . . wow.  It’s a strange world these charecter inhabit . . . they must have found something to occupy thier time besides plotting, making themselves beautifull and hoping that the Sultan will call them to his private chamber.  I wonder what they really did.  when i look at pics on the internet they look like they are having a pretty good time,and the dress is more exotic( to use a western fascination ) than the diaphonous gowns depicted in the show.  It might not have been such a bad life.  The food was good. So was the medicine.   The hygiene was too compared to the lives of European women. And they got to socialize among themselves . . didn’t have to work hard. maybe, not so bad. But I suppose there’s the question of doing somethng meaningfull in the larger world . . .but that’s a western womans thinking.  Perhaps it would be sort of like living on Welfare with better clothes . . .except, you had to stay home. Hmmm . . . no t.v. . . .

(later) well, there’s always camp clean up . . . somebodys gotta do it when it fills up with trash and the hippies move on.  if we do go, by time we get there it will be time to pick up trash and do latrine duties.

That actually might be of more benifit to the tribe than a heroic stand on the 5th.





October 2016-

4 10 2016

Feeling down. Frumpy. Like nothing i do can ever make me feel young and some what attractive ever again. such thoughts make me want to go get some beer. This always makes a person more attractive. Or at least . . . it doesn’t matter quite so painfully for a while. Took Darrell shopping this morning intending to look for some good shoes for myself and maybe a warm shirt for him. We stopped at Freddys first and although my heart was set on some trim ankle boots i could not find anything to fit. My feet are funny. They are not trim ankle boot feet. They used to be cute, with little flipper toes . . . and it wasn’t really that long ago that i would flap my little flipper toes , my high arched feet next to Darrells flat feet and toes that were long and jointed as cameleon toes. Now my my feet were wide. Really wide. My big toes turned inwards creating big knots on either side of my toes. Bunions I believe they are called. My feet turn inward. Nothing fits. Absolutely nothing. Darrell however found a nice trim pair of hiking boots. I saw that pleading excitement when he presented them to me. that eagerness to shed to made to order diabetic footwear that spelled out age and disability, that looked like big flat flippers. of course I consented. I can tell when something really matters . . .that special apparrell.
Me, i could find nothing. No darling boots would fit my misshapen, old feet. Either my arch was too high or my foot too wide or those knobs got in
the way. So we took off in search of other shoe stores. Darrell was extraordinarily patient as we went from place to place. his joy at new boots utterly transformed his usual crabby reluctance to shop with me. Like the ugly stepsisters i tried to shove my foot into every boot he offered. And like an ugly stepsister I could not and finnaly had to resign myself to a frumpy pair of moccosins. The only thing that fit.
Now i am depressed. Chief has regained a more youthfull step out of this paycheck of mine . . and I , the frumpy moccosin wearer feel like that is apt metiphor. I am the frumpy moccosin wearer. it is the only shoe that fits. I have become . . not the dancer of my youth, the runner of my young adulthood . . but , when all is settled, only the frumpy moccosin wearer.

October 16

I promised Darrell that i would make up cards, prints and even tees out of his latest colored pencil drawing, still unfinished.  it’s a serious warrior portait.  It would make a good logo for the movement in Standing Rock.  It would sell like crazy.  The good news is that he went to work on it last night to finish it up.   So I will photograph it today, take it over to Kinkos to have it digitalized and make up a print order for the 20th, when I get a draw.  Also make up the tee shirt order and have it ready for action on the 20th.  I can only do a few tee shirts to start. However i can put it up on his websites and get the pay pal set up and start the P>R and taking informal orders.

Just when despair seems its darkest a eureka plan unfolds.  I do not know if Darrell plans on adding any script “I stand with Standing Rock” . . . he’s the artist. Either way, his signature on these timely items will gaurantee they are a hit when he gets to south Dakota.  That is one way i can help him, gain back my losses,without jepordizing my job or housing because of other recent problems.  eureka!!

October 20th

Happy day.  I found my boots, at last.  I got a decent pair of 8 bucks at a second hand store.  Now Im winterized. Well . . . I still need to get a pair of cold weather boots but there is some time.  Feeling good the past few days.  Keeping up with my swimming and staying sober.  collecting all kinds of local squashs, pumpkins, caulifleur, apples, beets ,carrots and walnuts.  tommarrow ill make some good soups, some borscht,

pare and freeze apples for pies and the rest for juice.  Quite happy with life today, Im managing every challenge that gets thrown my way and keeping everything afloat.

Thursday 27

Getting threatened again over Darrell. Now its . ..don’t bring your boyfriend into your home or visit or ride in his car you will be evicted with a 14 day notice.  I actually made it 6 months without being threatened by white paranoia . . . but now its ON again.  Trying to figure out a way to cope with this . . for now, Darrell is staying away .  He needs to pass his inspections and do more to deal with his problem .  hes working on it, but not intensive enough.  But this means that if we are seen riding  in his car together . . . the potential for someone making trouble for me is there. And there is a new lady exterminator hired on by BHA forcing these issues.  I got to wonder what would attract a woman to that profession.  I suppose all those hidden messages in commercials with exterminator themes over the years really got to a few souls with issues . . inspired them to mission.  Good work.

thursday (later) Chief took the car in for another break job.  This time the front breaks.  Holy cow that adds up to a lot of money.  he asked me for a postdated check but i said no, i payed for the back breaks and i need to pay for my parents meals on wheels, i can’t put it off.  i did however put gas in his car.  Drank a few beers last night in the comfot of my living room, but only a few so Im not in downward spiral. Watched the Pyramid code series last night night and it was the most awe inspiring, thought provoking series i have seen in ages.  Just when i despair of the human spirit and start to feel unjustly persecuted . . .I learn of the golden ages, the procession and how ancient cultures long, long ago had an understanding of this that leaves our present day conciousness in shame. Everything goes back to Egypt.  Everything.

so that is one good thing that elevated me out of my funk.  I went to the old town cafe and treated myself to breakfast this morning and that was a real treat.  it’s kind of a informal community hub, with local art and music and great selection of hot sauces.  I read an article by Bernie Sanders and he convinced me that globalist or not, organized crime type or not, despite the kill list, and so many other  things, Hillary can still do some good things for the country.  She did, after all, really try to reform health care back in the 90s.  i take back my skepticism about Bernie, he made a good arguement about why Trump will not be good fore business.After all, Trumps own businesses are outsourced .

I may or may not be targeted by bias and perhaps racisim in this community again regarding Darrell.  Certianly I am sensing resurgent jelousy, perhaps some paranoia,and some bullying . . some WE stuff again . . . we decide this, WE decide that, comply or get out , get out . . . . but it’s not everybody.  All i have to do is get out in the community a little to see that . . . but it’s enough to create emotional distress for me.  Darrell had been coming over a lot lately, a lot. perhaps we need a little time out and need to take care of out own crap.  There’s been some unhealthy game playing going on . . . Im not going to vent all over the place and become an emotional yo yo the way he, and others would like.  Im going to keep my job and my housing.  if Darrell threatens this in any way he needs to stay home.

I keep thinking he is lonely over there and i am doing him a favor by having him over to watch football.  But  perhaps he has to deal with the consequences of his choices or change them.  Just as i do.  i feel like running away everytime i get threatened by people who hold my security in the palm of their hand, wether it is job or housing or what ever   . .because i have been so overwhelmed by this in the past, it triggers all those memories . . . but Im doing good now.  Im not going to defy authority for Darrell’s sake any more . . in the past , it WAS racisim . . and i was in the right to defy community persecution by some unbalenced or downright hatefull people.  But he is  not helpless right now, or innocent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





September 1 2016

2 09 2016

At work. Very tired. The videos of the protest in Standing Rock keep pouring in.
Meanwhile, Darrell and I try out the new shocks on his car and do the casino. We breakfasted in Lynden this morning,among the bountifull and enormous hanging flowers . Later we treated ourselves to pasteries at the Lynden Dutch Bakery. This Standing Rock Hunkpapa was like a little kid when he saw those pasteries. So we treated in this Dutch themed town, among blond ladies with bob hair cuts and guys that look like they were straight out of a Van Gough painting. They cast startled side long looks at us. I don’t think they were accostumed to seing big, Sioux indians here, among the bountifull and enormous hanging flowers and the store fronts that try to look like Amsterdam. I am too damn tired to write anything more than we had a delightful day and Darrell is going out of his way to be sweet, here among the bountiful and enormous hanging flowers of Lynden. Far away from the protests in Standing Rock. But in his own way , he is making a statement too.

 

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Friday , Sept 2, 2016

Pay day. Darrell picked me up and once again we went to the Casino. he had his arm around me as we went in, sending a message.   he used up his money while i breakfasted . . and once again we seemed to be skewed in our attempts to co ordinate doing something together. We couldn’t find each other.  i had planned on giving him some play money but found him in the car after a search. From there we went to Walmart, the only place that carries sweats and active wear for larger people that isn’t unaffordable.  As much as i avoid Walmart, every fall we feel compelled to get our fall basics there.  if other stores carried clothes that reflected the degree of overweight people here in the U.S perhaps we wouldn’t have to shop there.  There Darrell wanted breakfast at Mc Donalds . . for both of us. There at Walmart it seemed we regained in tandem. I bought him a huge assortment of colored pencils and a good pencil sharpener and his eyes lit up again, also a belt and a light weight jacket . . one size smaller than we needed but at least wearable.  I left him with re charged phones, a few groceries, a tank full of gas and 90 bucks.  he spent a lot on fixing up his car , his pride and joy.  so now we each capitulated a little to each others tastes and did some things together again. I don’t mind spending money, nuturing and treating . . . and the art supplies excite his creativity again, and that’s his ticket to respect, I just dont like to feel taken advantage of so i made it clear that i WOULD NOT OVERDRAFT   to buy his weed. that adds up fast.  so today was feast after famine and the world was green was long anticapated rains.  it was good to do the casino(even if it is a waste) and drive around and shop a little. Once i understood the importance of nuturing  . . . the special treats of new clothes, art supplies and things  . The good side of me, not the side that sees resentment in everything.

Then, while i was in the check out line, glad that we were feeling safe and warm and in /tandem again . . i got a phone call telling me one of my co workers had been in a fatal car wreck. Just when you begin to feel that there is a spiritual pattern . . .a sort of recepocity, a meaning . . some meaningless thing happens, some random, senseless thing . . . and this was a co worker who had done me a kindness, who had been generous to me by giving me  a tablet, with nothing asked in return . . because i worried about Darrell not having any internet or cable. Sometimes a spontanious act of generosity with no strings attached  can shatter a person who has grown defenses against unkindness , dissa pointment , or worse.  I remember when i was a teenager i was at a journalism  and a teacher i really liked handed me a balloon and said “This is from me to you” . There was nothing premeditated about it, it was just a spontanious action of generosity.  i remember my eyes filled up with tears of emotion . . . a friend sitting next to me remarked: “It’s just a balloon.”

Perhaps that’s a faliure of the Journalistic mind.  they forgot the Red balloon. That tablet was not just  tablet.  It was the gesture that got to me.  that got through to me.  And now when i was feeling generous . . and no strings attached, just because some one needed something . . and that money was only money . . . i hear that the person who had gotten to me, a very loving and genuinely good person who greived a lot over the passing of a client long under her care . . . in a sudden moment of senselessness was no more. questions haunt my thoughts . . .what did she feel those moments before.

Did  everthing, life flash before her.  Was it sudden?  it is so disrespectfull to wonder . . . I am distraught.  . . . some times small thing can influence others .  She was so devoted to christian principals . . in the right way . . . .how can she know that she influenced me, and the people close tome?jennifer

9-6-16 Tuesday

Just got off on overnight ‘babysitting’ shift at the hospital with a client who needed nursing care.  We aren’t insured over there so we aren’t allowed to assist . Only offer personal care tips and info for the nurses to help them, keep an eye on monitors , and to alert nurses  when the client needs attention.  I took the oppurtunity to watch the nurses carefully and to see how smoothly they took care of his comfort needs, their level of professionalism and bedside manner.  i want to get to that point, where i feel confident and know exactly what needs to be done, exactl;y how to interact.

I have a lot of admiration for the ladies doing this . . . .they really have it down. What they do isn’t that much more complicated than what we do . . . it’s within range if i want to continue my classes.  But i have a long way to go.  I have developed asocial traits since my Minneapolis days.  I have to re learn natural caring . I just don’t call people sweet heart and pet them or caress them much . . just Darrell.  I never had kids . . there’s some pieces missing when it comes to all the right instincts.   I was encouraged that my client recognized me and spoke to me. I must be doing all right.  Or if I am not . . i haven’t heard about it personally.

Saturday

Market day.  Personal differances between Darrell and i seem to have evaporated. We follow and discuss the protests in Stnading Rock daily.

Darrell posted yesterday that he needs some financial help to get to Standing Rock to be a part of what may turn into a siege.  Even though the pipeline has been halted for now it could still escalate.

i thought the way the gathering handled the bulldozers and attack dogs was admirable. They are doing everything right, holding the moral high ground.

Sunday

Studying today for my State test.  Tired.  Many thoughts and buried emotions . memories resurfacing all of a sudden. I could write a book.

Thursday Sept 15,2016

Downtime at work. Tired. Too tired to write much.  Passed the test.  Feeling down all of a sudden.  Darrell picked me up after testing and we went to Lummi tohelp his friends haul water.  They live in a trailer in the woods without running water.  All the pups came out to greet me. Pit bulls bred for sale. They are gettin big.  One of them , Diesel, was stolden some time ago and the owner had been heartbroken.  Diesel was her favorite, unlike the other brown colored pups, Diesel was white with black spots.

Diesel was back now .  The owner had run into a man who said he was walking the dog for a friend and denied that the dog was stolden.  But Diesel knew his real owner and she got him back.   Apparently it was not a happy reunion.  Diesel’s  mother and his littermates attacked him and repeatedly ganged up on him when he returned so he has taken to keeping himself seperate.  He is a big boy, bigger than the others,he just doesn’t realize it yet.  He had such a sad look in his eye . Just like people, I thought, identifying with him. Just like people.  I watched the pack of dogs do their group thing and big old Diesel hanging out in the chair, not mingling,keeping seperate and looking sad and all I could think was how much I saw myself in that rez dog.  So similar to my own experience out here.

Just like people.

Amy Goodman talking about intimidation in Standing Rock, how reporters are being kept from telling their story.  I seem to remember a time, not so long ago when the left was doing everything in its power to keep me from telling my story, and much of it very different from the way it finally came out via the media and is currently understood.  Where were these ideas about freedom of speech then??

I have a lot of thoughts on teh developing situation in Standing Rock.  We discuss it a lot.  People don’t know what they are dealing with.  and Trump of all people, if he gets elected, may very well have to deal with an Indian war and of all people, he is the least equipt to understand and deal with it. both Hillary and Trump have a lot invested in that pipeline.  either way, the next president is going to have one hell of a situation to deal with in the time to come.  Darrell getting ready to take up the bow and arrow.  My time with him now is secretly solemn, when i think that i may never see him again . . something i swore i wished for everytime we had an arguement . . .he could be jailed, imprisoned, even killed if things heat up.  There’s things here i best not get into . . . .only that few people really get the full picture.

 

Monday

Shootings in St. Cloud.  somalian man, perhaps an Islamic soldier, stabbed 9 people.  2 people are dead but it’s not being reported.  I’ve been reading the commentaries.  I’ve seen the tensions rise between ‘old St.Cloud’ and the large Somalian population during my visits there over the past few years.  Every time I’ve commented on it, no matter how nuetral there is some kind of ‘media thing’ as i call it denouncing me as some kind of neo nazi or something. I’ve been cynical about all the resettlement into MN over the decades.  I was in Minneapolis in the 90s and saw a lot of stuff first hand . . including the hostility toward white Minnesotians, especially ‘White Cloud.’  some bellieve that what happened to me was in part, part of this hostility . . . it was what i represented.  Then the media,especially the left, but exclusively   spent 10 years trying to cover it up (and bragged about it) trying to do damage controll.  i believe they did not do damage controll but created a shit storm of damage, acutally fostered hate and aggression.  for example they sought to sell the idea to a ruffled St. Cloud that i was being shamed and punished for deplorable behavior and or attitudes . . . this was accepted and taken up with a fury tht scarred me for the rest of my life.  it got down right frightening . . i experienced a lot of fury at the hands of some white women, some very hurtfull stuff . . . and the men too, who embraced a ‘deserved’ rape fantasy gone viral.  But that was then. the point being that St. cloud has been a hotspot for some time . . . .with a lot of people watching it, and trying to shape attitudes ( fox and msnbc) . Now the situation is out in the open . . . and plenty of people are commenting in no uncertain terms .

the reesttlement of refugees and the active recruitment of people from Chicago into low income housing up in St. cloud has really changed the climate of the town I once lived in.  The residents complaining of tax burden and the host of problems that have arrived have some legitimate complaints.  I know too well the real malice that DOES exist towards them.  i also know the hatefullness and intollerence and down right cruelty that St. Cloud white people can show towards anyone who is different.  They too have expressed a level of malice.

My head was running in circles when i heard about this on the news.  I knew shit would hit the fan.  I wondered if the right could have orchestrated this  . . a sort of black ops to push the elctorate into Trumps camp.  I wondered about a whole lot of things . . . including my last visit back to St. Cloud with Darrell. something I have not written at lenghth about.  We were in and out before anyone really knew we were there . . yet even as Darrell’s truck was pulling out there was some one following us.  A war could have started very easily and there were those on both sides who were itching for it.  People on both sides sitting on their guns.  thankfully my parents were naturally gracious, no matter what they may have felt, and welcoming towards Darrell . . which took him aback.  They were nicer to him than he was towards them.  it was very stressfull to me.  they even had a place set out for him at the breakfast table in the morning . . which took him aback.  And my mother was awesome the way she related to Darrell,not with any fear or snobbery only concern that he was so tired.  I made a trip to the post office and encountered some attitude the next day . I thought to myself, St. Cloud people aren’t very nice . . but then again, when i went into some grocery stores i encountered such humility and salt of the earth warmth and helpfullness.

Later I encountered bragging out here in WA about how Darrell had ‘counted coup’ on . . . the enimy. (My elderly parents?) Those supremicists!!  I don’t believe Darrell was trying to count coup in St. Cloud . . how ever eager many were to see that in it . . and truthfully if encouraged, he WILL adopt that role among people like that . . . .he was, as far as i could see, trying to make a peace offering, a reconcilliation . . and it wasn’t easy for him to put himself there. Fox news too I noted later tried to make it sound like we had done something provocative . . . what a piece I shit i was!!  The truth was . . . I helped Darrell out with gas and he went out of his way to bring me all the way up to St. Cloud.  But something could have easily happened.  War could have bust out if say, some good old boy with a chip on his shoulders towards darrell or I had done something .  if we had stuck around too long.

All this was running through my mind as i listened to the reports and thought about how we had avoided war, conflict . . . how the stand with Standing Rocks crowds avoided conflict, did not let war erupt . . . and here was war erupting anyway after all this restraint . . . . now, all the issues about St. Cloud as a focal point over the decades will be out in the open.  it’s not just what karen had to say about it .

there’s always some one that ruins things.  I have had my opinions about policy in St. Cloud over the decades, my opinions about policy in Minneapolis . . and not all of it very popular.  I bet some of those kids who made fun of me when i was so traumatized at Madison and cheered on malicious actions were at that mall when the attack occured.

it’s going to get worse before it gets better.  Trump might very well get into office on this . . . the democrats policy in MN has created such animosity among lots of people and this will bring it to a boiling point.  They feel shit on.  That they are hard working people whose way of life is being drained for supposed altruism, and the question now is was the intent really altruistic??

I reprint an article, about the somlian experience of St. Cloud.

 

http://www.citypages.com/news/st-cloud-is-the-worst-place-in-minnesota-to-be-somali-7976833

 

Thursday

At work.  A little down time.  Seems like everything broke down this week.  The brakes went out on Darrell’s car. I stepped on my glasses. The bed bugs got aggressive. The vacuum cleaner belt bust.   I had no bike.  Yesterday i took out a large draw and we fixed things up. I shelled out about 330 for his breaks. He looked so mournful.  Like all his joy had been taken .. .i figured the cash was my contribution to the I stand with StandingRock.  Managed take an eye exam and get some glasses, buy a bike, buy a vac belt, buy a new bed frame and good mattress protectors , threw out a mattress and got new bedding.  so now we are mobile again, we can see and sleep .  We had a good dinner.  I made my famous Shepard’s pie  . . . or as Darrell likes to call it … my German Shepard pie.  A good day.  I got in a swim too.

There’s much on my mind but i am tired.  If I write about the sense of accomplishment I feel from taking care of daily business, getting things in order . . those small ordinary pleasures and goals then I am shallow, without the mind to write of deeper things.  If I write about larger issues . . then people get mad . . .sometimes I want to take things on,sometimes I want peace and want to get along with people. Sometimes i keep silent on larger issues for a reason.  Sometimes I feel so torn up by something that i cannot help myself . . i articulate my worries, distresses, sense of injustice . . .it all depends. Tonight, I am tired but happy that i took care of us .  Empowered us again.  It’s the right kind of energy. So Im broke ….I got stuff to do.

 

thursday

Feeling down now. Guess things haven’t been going right lately at work.  this weekend they really needed me to cover for some one with the flu and I was having trouble getting a ride. I didn’t want to overdraw to get gas . . . and the car wasn’t running very good . . . So i told them we didn’t have gas money.  Now i see how that must have gone over . . . I should have overdrafted for something that important.  It really makes me look like a loser, unprofessional. Not a team player.  And perhaps i have been unprofessional.  i think that really bothered some people, even though they found some one else to cover those shifts.  Perhaps, at an unconcious level i was bummed out by ‘problem’ peoples taking up so much of my time ( in my personal life too) and suddenly feeling defensive about my off time to myself.  I wasn;t drinking at all over the weekend. in fact, I hadn’t done any drinking during my work week before that.   I was making up a lot of food for Darrell and I over the weekend.   At any rate . . despite my feeling last night that my life was back on an upward trajectory it seems i made some mistakes, med errors.  Also, one of my clients who is difficult was much more so.  perhaps because her meds were changed.  Her behavior seemed markedly more psychotic to me.  When she hit me, hard, in the morning because i picked out underwear she didn’t like i drew the line . . I am  normally super patient with any challenging behaviors but i did let her know i was angry. i told her she could not do that.  later when she was calmer i tried to rub her shoulders and show a little affection to let her know it was o.k. and we still cared . . .but i guess she reported me for abuse to the police.  of course, i am just one in a long line of people she imagines are trying to harm her , and i was cleared of any mis doing . . but when that happens it means we’re not clicking and they have to take that caregiver off for a while.  why was i losing my professional focus lately?? Perhaps the long drive out to Lynden and the screwed up sleep time table is messing with me more than i realize , perhaps Im not really adaptable to the overnight awake . . . alot of people can’t and won’t hack it. A lot of times with this particular client she gets up in the middle of the night and wants me to listen to at least an hour of schizophrenic ranting . . which i do, only hinting that perhaps she would like to go back to bed . . . not pushing her, just trying to listen and give responses that show Im attentive . . . but often it’s hard, when she is abusive s she was last night.  I don’t know what i could have done to make myself more focused, not making mistakes from exhaustion . . . i got in a swim, i took care of my own self during my private time as well as the people I care about. i didn’t abuse drugs or alchohol . . . .at least, not recently . . . Did this swirling tornado of thoughts and  buried emotions and personal history ( and it was big, deep) triggered by things  in the Midwest mess with the way I project myself??  Was i edgy or preoccupied?  I hope this is only temporary.

Saturday

Im back on the schedual. Ill be working at Aaron Drive this week.  Talked with supervisor and all is cleared up.  Off to do the market.

Monday

The big t.v. gave out. On game day too . . . Darrell spent thw whole day at my place, watching the small t.v. in his old bedroom and later catching up on computer games.  it was relaxing and I liked his company.  It was the way it used to be once when he felt like my place was his home.  Something between us has changed now and there are  no longer any problems.  I watched the Borgias on my tablet all afternoon.  When he left he had a long bear hug.  The day is coming closer and closer when he will take off for Standing Rock.  I may not see him for a long time.  I may never see him.  As much As i wrote badly of him i really cannot imagine a universe without Darrell in it somewhere near.  He was a handfull but he was a rare man and that’s why i loved him despite everything.  Artist.  A real warrior.  Never greedy.  Sensitive and feeling. never assimilated, always his own indiviual self. After so many years of searching, of disastrous attempts at relationships i finally met a full man. . . and i stayed with him for almost 20 years, good or bad.    I didn’t always know what I had.  I think too, he is beginning to think something like that about me too . . . .he also, didn’t always know what he had. Out time together now is precious.  Every moment matters to me now and i try to appreciate it.  Soon he will go, and fight for his people.

9-29-16  Thursday

 

I rather enjoyed working at Aaron drive Monday.  Tonight . . Littlefield.

Dream:

I went to Standing Rock to be a part of a large street march.  there were lots of little shops.  When i got to where the march was gathering I ran into many people I knew.  Danette, Derek, Micheal Hall and their whole clan were there.  They seemed angry with me and did not want to visit.

I guess Darrell will not be taking off after all.  We are back to the same old same old . . Honeymoon, then he coaxes me to come over and help him, cook and clean , give back rubs  then . . . . same old same old . . . . ending with me in emotional pain and upset swearing i will never go back . . . . feeling like a fool for falling for it AGAIN. No end in sight now . . . winter coming on soon.  if he does not hit the trail soon the mountain highways will be increasingly dangerous.  He can still take off in November . . but he is heading into cold weather out there and i bet a lot of people have or will disperse by then.

 

 

 

 

 





August 2016

8 08 2016

Hasn’t been a good week.

 

Darrell and i cann’t seem to do one single thing together without a huge problem.  i don’t want to list the dissapointments . . . today was the limit. There has been alot of things that I no longer can tolerate, or wish to be subjected too.  Today was the last try . . tried to take him out to dinner but it was non stop  verbal abuse.  Then he wanted me to drive around for an hour, all the while hitting me and yelling at me .  I told him to leave me alone for a while and we gave back our keys.  Money got to be too much of a problem too . . .I was alwasy buying little treats, helping out and all i got back was abuse . . . demands for more money, friends of his ripping me off . . . I could list a litany of things . . . people think Im putting him down when i write about how that makes me feel . . but i don’;t even come close to desribing the reality in detail.

this last episode with the missing wallet really bummed me out.  then my shoes dissapeared.  I wasn’t going to confront anyone unless i had proof, in case i was wrong, but I finally texted Carol and asked if she had accidentally taken my slippers.  She texted back . . no, they don’t fit. that kind of says it right there.

I ought to have texted back.  That’s good, believe me sista, you don’t want to be in my shoes. You really don’t want to take on my identity. Really you don’t.

On the brighter side . . . what brighter side . . . quit trying to look on the brighter side . . there fucking IS no brighter side.  I try to find optomism and meaning in the few straws i have . . . whoopy, I danced with my clients at the picnic. But it’s a life destroyed.   I don’t even want to hear the rationalizations . . we had to teach her a lesson and so on.  Who had that right . . .

At least I have my apartment to myself, it cool and quiet  . as long as all the people stay away from me and leave me alone . . it’s my sanctuary, I can ready, watch interesting documentaries on u tube, do my knitting.  I will be happier i think, than i think i will with time.  I mean . . Darrell , the Darrell i loved was gone to me a long time ago and i just didn’t want to let that goast go.

Monday afternoon

Got my swim in.  Wrked out too.  I think i still have a spark of ‘it’ left . . buried perhaps under an avalanche of things that destroyed sense of self . . but still there.  Can i still turn it on after all these years . . let it shine the way i could when I was younger??  I bet i can, just as an experiment and then people will be astonished . ..I would have to work out regularly, do my yoga, lose a few pounds and stay away from cheap beer except on ocasions . . like going out dancing.  I see a   i of pretty women around, and some that are very sexual , like Dana . . . but i had a differnet, natural kind of sensuality once . . .i bet i could still fan it back to life onemore time before i resign my self to the rocking chair . . . or dung heap if certian people had their way.  Im going to go out dancing again some time soon  . . no hobbling around looking shabby and forlorn, feeling done in . . . .and i bet a few souls will say . . dang, is that the woman we made fun of?  I can out do them all . . . or i could, once.  bought myself some nic clothes . . that’s always the first step. Swimming is good, working out . . feeling comfortable with ones own physicality.

I don’t really want to go on the prowl after 20 years . . i just want to feel like i can again.

Wednesday

Classes again this week.  Aced my test yeasterday with two wrong.  Boy, did that cheer me up  and it shows in the photos we took this morning.  We reconciled.  made up some chicken and bisquits with banana pudding and squash for Chief’s dinner.  he was in a playfull mood this morning.  Much to do today. Insights and ruminations later.

Thursday

Found that wallet. it was nestled in the crown of my summer straw hat.  Classes again yesterday and this time i passed my test with one wrong answer.  Feeling good.  Have had some weird dreams:

I was at a march with Dr. Martin Luther King.  He turned into Nelson Mandela. Mandela looked very tired and frail.   I sat down in a chair and then Nelson Mandela sat down on my lap.  I was sitting on some one elses lap and I tried to raise myself a little to keep the weight off of him.  Finally, I had to stand up but when I did Nelson Mandela collapsed.

Dream two. A gruesome dream that had to do with gaurding a dead body that had not been buried.  it was my job.  Finally, someone buried the body and i was very upset.  For some reason I felt some special role had been taken from me.  One of the tenents here knocked on my door  and told me something about Darrell and i got furious with her and tried to attack her.  She became abusive and yelled insults and taunts at me.  In the dream i was trying to scream and hit her but i could not.

Notes’

Darrell and i had been talking about the toll drugs took on the inner city population of Minneapolis in the early 90s . . . and about clintons role in importing  them.  We were talking about things that had estroyed black lives.  Dream probably represents ‘support.  Also, perhaps a concern that without my support my ‘south side boy’ as i used to call Darrell, would collapse.

Dream two was disturbing.  i have yet to figure it out. probably has to do with something aspect of a past relationship that had not been put to rest.  Derek?  The last half of the dream is anger at people who had commandeered my relationship with Darrell.

Saturday August 13.16

Off to the market i guess.  Make money instead of spend it.  Wanted so badly to go to the subdued string band jamboree in Deming today.  I even offered to pay Darrell’s ticket.  Intially he seemed enthused. But then turned ressistive and quarrelsome when i brought it up.  I hardly ever get enthused about going out to festivals anymore and I feel really saddened that I cannot find transportation to this one now.  Why couldn’t he lend me the car if i gave him some money?  yesterday the same thing around  going to the Lake . . Donna and Hollis stopped and wanted us to go.  Again . . . Maggies Fury is playing for free tonight but if i go I will have to go alone.  I invited Darrell over for dinner but again, he said he didn’t like my house.  Maybe he’s going through something.  Says he only wants to go to Pow wows now and i need to respect that.  O.K. . . .he is retreating from participating in cultural events or socializing, outside of his  matrix . . .there’s no cultural interface i guess.  Maybe people are retreating into their camps because of the rise of Trump.   There will be no scenic trips, no trips to the Lake this summer.  I don’t mind going places myself . I would have liked to go to the Jamboree myself but no way i could get there.  I have been sober for a while and am acting and thinking so much better than i did in the past . . . and now I am at the point where I want to come out of retreat into the celebration of life . . just as Darrell is retreating into his world.  This morning there were accusations that he knows i am seeing someo9ne . . would i be pleading with him to go with me if i were??  What’s really going on here?Sara asked Darrell for  ride back from sumas, only a short distance from Demming where the music fest was going on and Darrell jumped right in the car to go get her . . but not me,

Saturday

Paul and his girlfriend stayed here a few nights. They were quarreling.  Darrell and I were quarrelling and continue to do so if we interface.  Drank by myself and watched back episodes of ‘The Killing’ all day on Monday.  Didn’t answer calls or open door . . . Darrell called the cops to do a ‘welfare check’. (probably hoping to ‘catch me in the act’) so now Im the ‘problem’ again in the community eye.  Back to being the terrible drunk. . . you see  . . . you see . .  how she is . . . . and he is back to being the concerned boyfriend . Of course i straightened up and made my work shifts.   Today he is back to accusations and saying he doesn’t care about you white people or how i feel, or what i want . . .  etc . . . . .I got to admit, he always wins the PR game. he is the master of that.

I signed my folks up for meals on wheels 3 days a week.  i ampaying  for this myself.  I am feeling good about this.  i should have done it a while ago.  Now, if i can just get my sisters to chip in on visiting angels once a week to get gorceries and clean out the tub and showers etc . . .i won’t be so concerned that i need run accross country trying to fix things myself.

so far, Mom and Dad really appreciate and enjoy the meals on wheels.  My approval rating has gone up in St. Cloud i think . . the lady at the St. cloud Hospital who signed me up was so friendly and talkative, she had a ‘Fargo’ accent and boy did she like to talk . . I envisioned a sort of friendly, roly poly curly haired blond midwestern woman my age . . . . anyway. it makes my spirit feel better knowing im taking on some daughterly responsiblity for their welfare that will help out their lives.

Sunday

Got out to the lake with Hollis and Donna.  We watched some movies later with Darrell.  Made him a meatloaf.  it felt good to swim out and then float, gazing at the clouds and the mountains surrounding the Lake as the waves bouy me in their rythm.  it is like being one with the universe.

It is peaceful here at home tonight. Just browsing the internet and listening to Pandora.  Time to turn on the news.

Tuesday

Flipped on Bill O’Reilly for the first time in a while and something he was talking about got under my skin. He was talking about social media destroying lives and Facebook creating liars.  I seem to remember Mr. O’Reilly commenting once on national television that my father had said of me that i was garbage. Never mind that my Dad has talked like that since i was a teenager from time to time.   And that’s not destroying lives?? Ive been avoiding the ‘media thing’ as i used to call it . . trying to put it behind me but there are things that keep popping up that bring it all back . . .just as ther are things here that bring back the agony of ‘what went down’ here in Bellingham despite my efforts to move on . . . and i feel compelled to write about it all once again . . despite the fact that ‘no one listens to Karen anymore.” They should.  I wasn’t a liar.  I told the truth.  Even the stuff about Sullivan . . .all true.  And it was much bigger than I reported.

I don’t think my Facebook wall , or anyone elses is nessesarally a false front.  No more than every person in their social interactions in daily life has a ‘wall’.  for me it was a chanch to interact with people in a positive way, when everything in my life seemed designed to demonize and isolate me. it was a way of having a laugh, learning fro people, participating in their reality a bit and also sharing a window into my personal life and things i valued.  I shared my projects.  I shared Darrell’s artworks.  i share pictures . . people can interpret those as they will.    That is hardly a ‘lie’ .  Only to those who have condemned . . and see anything that contradicts that condemnation as phoney or a lie.  Not ‘the truth’.

So if one posts good stuff on their FB . . they are liars. Phoney.   If they post their problem solving, less than happy stuff, their or some one elses dirty laundry then they are creating ‘hatred’  sounds like a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation.

yeah.  the internet can destroy lives . . . .my blogging was often cited as creating destructive energy, of damaging the public personas of of some people i wrote about, and therefore the media ‘backlash’ was seen as response.  However, the media began to attack and destroy my life long, long before anything i wrote in my private journals ever became publicly accessable.  It was the other way around . . . I felt compelled to defend myself.  Also, you had to know who i was to even find those old journals on line.  have a reason to find and read them . . . where as, the many statements that were made about me via media reached a global audience by contrast.  So i don’t buy the theory that internet destroys lives and that  somehow influences or finds it’s way to the blameless media . . .no, there has to be a day when they can admit to the damage that they felt it was within their right to create. (She DESERVED distain!) No one deserves to be called a piece of shit on t.v. by Mike Moore and others . . .they are supposed to be on the side of the people.  And do they think those ‘peoples’ are all saints??  No . . in reality, wether their posture is populist or looking out for you O’Reilly they pander to a easily manipulated mainstream audience.  I got news for them . . those peoples . . they do things all the time that make me look like a prig. Get real.

WEdnesday

O.K>  Simmer down Karen.  That’s twice this week i let myself get triggered by something that brought up painfull emotions. This is now.  So much time has passed that no one would even know what the hell I was  talking about.

I am at work.  My bones hurt.  Bad.  probably from swimming.  I’ll do some yoga on my down time.

There are  serious protests against the pipeline in Standing Rock right now and i support that.  Water is crucial.  When i visited Standing Rock in 2008 some one had poisened the water (fertilizer)  . . or at least that was the theory.  People had to get bottled water.  I would pour some tap water into a pan and hours later there was a layer of crud that had settled on the bottom . Poisened water spells the end of a people’s independence from government.  The end of a people actually . . as if they don’t have enough sadness, suicides and things.  Not to say there isn’t good suff too .  yeah, water is a serious matter . I guess most Americans just shrug it off . . heck, we have water shortages in California, in Phoenix, the water in Flint is poisened.  But it’s not the same thing.  Maybe Flint.

Paul and Becky staying at my place tonight, maybe tommarrow.  Dang, how will i make it through my shift with this much bone pain.

(later)

I just finished my yoga stretches and meditation and the pain is gone now.  It is very peacefull here at the ‘office’. I have an entire apartment to myself since the client that lived here passed on. It’s our office area, where we overnight people camp all night. In a bit i will have to make my rounds again but right now it is peacefull.  Listening to Mary Youngblood on u tube as I write.  Not struggling to stay awake.

Thursday 8-25-2016

The term genocide was coined in 1944 by a Jewish Polish legal scholar, Raphael Lemkin. For Lemkin, “the term does not necessarily signify mass killings.” He explained:

More often [genocide] refers to a coordinated plan aimed at destruction of the essential foundations of the life of national groups so that these groups wither and die like plants that have suffered a blight. The end may be accomplished by the forced disintegration of political and social institutions, of the culture of the people, of their language, their national feelings and their religion. It may be accomplished by wiping out all basis of personal security, liberty, health and dignity. When these means fail the machine gun can always be utilized as a last resort. Genocide is directed against a national group as an entity and the attack on individuals is only secondary to the annihilation of the national group to which they belong.

Friday

Feeling really sad, alone and lonely this Eve. The usual . . . so tired of the  negativity when i am trying to put out positive energy towards others.  I don’t understand it in this community . . after all these years . . . my bike got stripped . . and people in my building know it’s my bike.  Darrell being angry  . . despite my going into overdraft to get him some weed to chill out . . . he’s not answering phone calls.

I keep hoping that after my stat test in September i will have my license and then i will be free to go some where, do something different with my life .  . . and I am trying t hang tough, do a good job at work and gain back social respect.  To some extent it is working, i enjoy my co workers . . but that is a pretty thin positive support system.

maybe I’ll go out to boundary bay . . . nah, i need to money tommarrow at the market, not spend it.  I don’t really want to do the market tommarrow, even though its an extra hundred . ..Im starting to feel ridiculous.

 

(Later)  tired now in a good way’.  I went out for a walk.  walking tropugh town taking in the sights and music  on a warm Friday night in august.  People everywhere having a good time.  So many cool bistros and nooks and crannys have sprung up in Bellingham . . so  many people enjoying each others company.  Bellingham is a pretty cool town.  haven’t got out and walked around for a while .. . . i want to continue this but through the worm hole is on.

Saturday .  did the market. Few sales but good conversations.  Went out to the Bayou last night and treated myself to some shrimp.  Tonight , i made some almond encusted fish, Jo Jos with italian seasoning, fresh cooked carrots in butter,cucumber salad and cloeslaw. Yum.

Tired now.

Monday

Hung out with Darrell at my place yesterday and we got along just like old times.  made up chicken and wild rice, took a cruise out to Lummi and engaged in debate about the current protests in Standing Rock.  I asked if the Grand River had it’s source in the Missouri and wether it is or could be accessed for water.  Darrell filled me in on recent history.  I guess bear soldier housing near Mc Laughlin got all of it’s drinking water from this water tower in Mc Laughlin. The pipe line that carried that water either broke or was tampered with and that water was poisened.  Now Standing Rock has a different water source.  The Grand River in Standing Rock which is close to a number of villages there flows into the Missouri. So it’s a source of uncontaminated water. Should the Missouri become contaminated this water would be invaluable.  In fact, Darrell tells me the town of Mc Laughlin wants the tribe to share it’s water and is putting pressure on them to do so.

if the Missouri were contaminated by oil spill . . . there will be a fight over this water.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





July 3

3 07 2016

July 3

Did not sell a thing at the market.  I was set up next to the Bernie people. Still fervantly sure that they had a good shot at winning the election. They talk so heatedly about getting rid of this person and that . . .state politicains they ‘hate’.  i dunno . . although I like a lot of Bernie’s ideas . . .free tuition for example . . the money has to come from somewhere . . and i wonder if it isn’t really sort of a Ponzi scheme  in reality.  When told that Bernie was talking about endorsing Hillary they were practically hysterical.  He can’t do that to us.  The tone of the whole thing left me feeling horribly depressed . . .as i remembered how they bragged about getting rid of karen not so long ago . . bragged about how it was coming along . . . if i were a really vengeful person i could set up a meeting with those politicians and report what i heard,trade info on what was is still is being done to myself . . .trade it for exposing these tactics publicly.  Nah . . . .  .   Im not too crazy about these representatives myself . . . .I guess ill just have to accept certian things.

July 6

I really need to sleep so i can withstand the marathon overnights ahead . . but i did something to my leg, the ciattica nerve is throbbing and radiating pain all along the left side of my body and tylenol isn’t helping.  My lungs hurt too . . on the verge of a cold, or perhaps another asthnma/bronchitis episode.  Seems like Im always sick, or in pain with something. this ciattica thing may  keep me from working . . . I have a client that need to be repositioned every 2 hours tonight . . . I might really injure myself or her.  If i call in that’s not a good way to start off my first shift alone . . . it’s no use, Im just breaking down.  I will never be healthy, happy, attractive ever again. Went for a swim but i think that’s what triggered this.  or aggrevated it.

Went with Darrell to his friends place over the 4th and we did some fireworks.  nice to get out for a visit and drive. It’s good that he has good friends now that help him alot.  He’s known them for quite a while and they have a lot of respect for him because he’s done so much over the years to help them out and others who are poor, homeless, marginalizied.

July 7th

Down time on my overnight shift.  Now I get paid to check facebook and play my computer games . . it keeps me awake for emergencies.  Made it through the 13 hour shift . .. plus 3 hours of transportation . . . Im feeling much more comfortable with this.  Ive got a variety of clients with disabilities ranging from Celebral Palsy, dementia, autism,dows syndrome, and sever diabetes. Ive already become attached to some of the clients. I talk to them like adults. They ARE adults craving real conversations.   One of them has some incredible behavior problems and is going to be a real challenge . . but if i could handle Darrell when he was drinking this should be a breeze.

I was having some doubts about whether i was tempermentally suited to this, and wether i had the capabilites to be responsible  but I did all the right things, researching my clients and their needs, routines before each shift. I said i was going to do this . . and i ment it.  Im so glad i got myself out of the rut i was in. it’s not a glamour job . . but at the personal and spiritual level it it a good thing . . and I can continue to aqquire certifications that will qualify me for other stuff down the road.

Lynden is a Dutch town.  They have miniature windmills everywhere and many of the store fronts are done up in an Amsterdam look. They have a Dutch Bakery with pretty decent pastries.    The trees here are big.  There’s lots of parks.  Sure is a lot different from Bellingham.

I too am starved for fun , thought provoking conversations . . .perhaps i will swing down to Newport on my days off.

 

(later) People upset, some of them, about Hillary being let off the hook, no criminal charges.  I think Lynch was threatened with blackmail.  the Clinton foundation is a spider web for money laundering and all kinds of things that is connected to a lot of prominant people, all of whom can be blackmailed and threatened.

Sunday 7-10-

“Arch-Globalist Hillary Clinton’s no-prosecution, the recent exit of Britain from the EU which torpedoed the unchecked advance of Globalism, the current Presidential campaign which features a candidate (formerly two candidates) attacking Globalism as no major candidate ever has before—all this suddenly fades from public consciousness in the specter of the Dallas shootings—the racial conflict that has been decades in the making—made in America, by Globalists, for the express purpose of Divide and Conquer.”  John Rappaport

 

and then there is this . . . .

http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:Rzar-8eQ6asJ:https://www.facebook.com/blackpowerpoliticalorganization/%252Bblack+power+political+organization&gbv=1&hl=en&ct=clnk

doesn’t look like the work of globalists . . . i don’t know what to think . . except that it is not what it seems. These things usually aren’t.

Monday

Feeling good again today . . . Was feeling bad about a lot of stuff . . .but I got Darrell’s t.v.service started up again for him . . .and he is purring.  I  also bought him a d.v.d player and a collection of Andy Griffith dvds.  He’s still crabby and com[plains and is perpetually mad at everything . . but that’s just the way he has become.  It may be stu[pid to spend money on the guy when he has done so much stuff that has caused me emotional upset, social denigration . . .and all manner of stuff . . . . but it keeps him happy, and it’s almost like to old days when we were so much more affectionet.

Tues

Got a letter from BHA threatening me because i did not fill out an income change report. My annual recertification papers were handed in last month and so any income i aqquire now will raise my rent.  last month my classes and time were paid for . . 75 hours and i was technically an employee although i was not working .  Last week was my first week on my own on the job.

I still have not heard from the state yet as to when i take the state test. That was my main objective . . to get that State cert. Now I am in deep shit . . . . have dug a deep hole for myself . . . .that paid training adds up to a lot of hours that will set my rent rate for the oncoming year . . i may have to pay a lot of money in rent now so any extra income i am making from employment (only 25 hours a week) is not going to benefit me at all . . in fact, it may destroy what stability i do have because it threatens my social security.  I took the training because I wanted it under my belt so I could work independently. . with my Mother in the future or perhaps Darrell . . . but that bubble burst into reality before i was even out of classes. I also needed some cash quick because i had gotten into debt paying out money for Darrellwhen he was on the road and almost lost his apartment.  No thanks for that.    he has had his hand out big time since I got my first check . . every day he wants 10 or 20 bucks . . and of course the social abuse continues, how i am no good  . . etc . . . . if i complain about the muzaska then I must be ‘hateful’ or a bigot.  that’s the way it has been for years and years.  They laugh at me in Indian country . . for being so weak that I continue to be bled, used and abused and disrespected.  For becoming so subjegated.  But I did put up a fight . . . and look what they did to me in Madison . . . they forced me back into the arms of all that . . . they demonized me and tried to cut me off from the mainstream so i had no alternative but to accept this situation.  then they brag about it.

 

I know . . it’s up to me to set boundaries.  quit blaming others for my own inability to just say NO.  In the past however saying NO ment a campaign of disparagement at the street level that percolated throughout my community and resulted in vicious attacks every year that were reflected in the media . . sometimes several times a year.  So i consider the musaska an quic and easy way to maintain a little peace.  I always manage to keep afloat but one of these days this ship will sink . . a missed rent payment and then . . no one to help me.  No one who truely cares about me.

The irony is that my parents act like this job I have now is some sort of great achievement. It’s not.  I have no illusions about that.  They say they are proud of me . . at last, and my mother talks about how good it feels to do things for other people.  Like the past 15 years i wasn’t doing things for people in a big way??  Now I am acceptable to my parents . . . like they could not be proud of me when i played second chair second violin in Brahm’s fourth? when we did Beethovan’s 9th back when i lived in St. Cloud for a few years.   They couldn’t say one good things about me when I managed to get to Madison after all the shit, all the trauma i went through in 1998, and hold down a union job on campus . . that took a few brain cells, to get myself tucked in safely there under all that shit storm and hold it down.  That was not dumb .  But there were people hell bent on having me removed . . oh those terrible cartoons i did in my late twenties, it was pay back time,madison it turned out was a major marxist indoctrination center, and that cash crop had to be protected.  i was a troubling presence, even when I kept to myself and just did my job.  There’s a lot i could write about this . .( and I am seeing now i lot of what i saw seeded then ) . . . So I got squeezed,made an exit, and then fell back under the same old shit . . . . what i am doing now is dumb, in comparison to what I was doing 1999. My survival instincts and courage , and compassion as well were much greater then than now . . . i was a better person, a stronger person then . . . now I am a weak person, not a strong one. But i am acceptable . . . at last . . and the vicious attacks have stopped.  I finally have the praise of my parents.

the one good thing to come of all this is that my folks were really bragging me up to Kate when she came to visit them . That’s a reversal . . and it gives me a little smile, a little chuckle to think of her having to take  an unwelcomed snootfull of praise for karen.

(Later) . . .Falling into a bad mood this morning? In resentment mode?  Nothing like being hit up for cash from all sides to bring out mean thinking . . but sometimes when i talk caustic like this . . as much as it makes people mad, it’s closer to the truth.  But with all the black lives matter tensions, the accusations of terrorism or intentionally created racial divide . . . .why add to the stew.

Truthfully . . it is my resposibility to set boundaries, and if i can’t,or won’t,  that is my tragic undoing . . and the root of most of my problems . . . most of the time i know this. Sometimes i just want to get mad . . . . oh yes, there was plenty to get good and mad about.   If i dole out too much to Darrell then i get sideswiped by ‘rebellion’ or resentment i don’t even realize is there and I go out and drink or spend irresponsibly on myself  . . . am i afraid I will be all alone if i don’t dole out for his weed?  he will ask as much as he is allowed . . he spent most of his life having to hustle and he is a hard core hustler for sure . . .in his world, that is no no great flaw . . getting some one like me to give him a little musaska . . . I dream sometimes of having some one that really cares about me. That will do things for me, look after me when i am sick or lonely, anticipate my feelings and needs . . but Ive pretty much given up on it and i certianly don’t search for it any more.  Got to take care of yourself in this world.  people will respect those who have their own.

Everyone seems troubled by the recent shootings in Dallas.  I have lots of thoughts on this . . . . but I prefer not to comment. Not at this time.   My opinions are of no importance anyway.   I work with a guy who used to be part of the L.A.P.D.  We talked about these issues and he gave me a lot of inside perspective.  He said that the Rodney King thing actually turned out to be a good thing because it forced the department to get rid of some really bad apples.  he talked alot about the peer pressures of being in the Police force . . if you don’t go along or refuse to beat some one you aren’t trusted.   I also have my memories of  Minneapolis . . .and there’s much running through my head right now.  I never witnessed any police brutality myself but i saw the results and heard the stories from the street Indians.

I wonder if the recent spat of t.v. mini series  and movies about the brutalities of slavery could have excerbated this.

Thursday 7-14

My rent has been raised by 200 dollars . . and i was threatened with eviction if i ever failed to report a change in income within 14 days ever again.

One of my clients is making me miserable . . not only intellectually disabled but extremely abusive as well.  I don’t know if I want to deal with this. I watched one of my co workers handle her and i was impressed with the way she could sooth her . . but for some reason this client doesn’t relate to me and my interactions with her amount to non stop tantrums ,nasty  verbal abuse and sometimes self abuse.  i stay calm and professional but the truth is I don’t have the loving, caring temperment needed to be a sucess with some one like this.  I am a distant, rather cool personality . . I care about people but i am not personally warm and effusive.  Perhaps it’s just not my calling.  My co workers say I am doing great . . my supervisior says she is getting good reports . . but this client makes me feel like this just isn’t my calling.  I get on fine with others . . but Im just not ment to deal with challenging behavior or shizophrenic  acting out behaviors. I don’t have knack . . or truthfully, the compassion when it comes to these kinds of clients.  I guess no one likes working with this client.   Maybe the elderly?? i try to see it as a learning experience.  a test.

Darrell continues to hit me up for money every day, despite the hundreds I’ve poured into him this year.  I tried telling him I need to hold on to my cash . . . save up and get a few things . . . but he doesn’t care.  so i feel like Im dealing with difficult and abusive personalities all the time.  My little bubble has burst and i am kicking myself for taking on this job . . it has really screwed up everything that was pleasent in my world.  I may lose my medical insurance too.

Why, why does Darrel expect me to dole out so much?? he must know that this will lead to strain and rupture.  Im so tired . . and everything is depressing me.  I want to go see the ocean . . do fun things . . . . . is this the ‘karma’ everyone seems to think I deserve for ‘all the things she done’,

However, I feel like if I get angry with Darrell and confront this then my life will be nothing but wiping butts, and having schziphrenics throw cereal at me or try to beat their own heads.  Im a good person but i have been so denigrated . . by the media and street tactics . . that no man would be interested in dating me, nor can i forget ‘what went down’ out here, what went down at the national . . even global level.  i would however, have enough cash to do some fun things on my own . . . and so what if i get evicted. No . . that’s nothing to be cavilier about . . . .

Monday

Bug treatment day!!  Have to get the birdies over to Darrell’s place. A woman named Ruth went on the attack on Darrell and I only a day after doug hassled me about not reporting income . .She started threatening me,because Darrell parked in the wrong spot, threatened to have me evicted. And she tried, dragging us to the office.   She was screaming; you know better, you think the rules don’t apply to you . . and so on.  Then Darrell got mad.  Just like the old days . . always being threatened by angry people because of something to do with Darrell . . . I never understand why i get sideswiped with attacks like this . . .I know, Doug has a rep as to qoute another tenent as “a little prick’ and Ruth is just plain vicious on her verbal attacks on other tenents , not just me . . . . but the history of these attacks has left a huge unhealed wound with me, and when they reoccur, it causes me such blinding pain and anger . . yes, i know, i should have reported the job change right away . . i did remind myself, yeah, I better do that . . . but i was preoccupied i guess . . . no doubt, Ruth heard some gossip about Karen (again) . . . and the way it goes around here is that there are some people wgho are activated by anything, who go into hate attack mode at the drop of a hat . . it escalates . . .this little world here at Lincoln Square is notorious for that . . . only, I really thought all that stuff was behind me.

then if i get distressed and say anything . . it’s MY attitude . . . . or if I withdraw and turn it inwards . . . .

On a better note.  I got along really well with my troublesome client last week.  Am no longer doubtful or depressed about it.  One of my co workers gave me a LG tablet and that was such a nice gift it has really made my day.

I need to quit journaling.  That’s what fuels the troubles . . it doesn’t matter what i write about, some one will always find something to get mad about . . . proof of wrong thinking.

Wednesday July 20th

Got a good nights sleep and feel pretty good this morning.  Cleaned up the apartment, watered garden and plants, brought groceries to Darrell’s place. Restorative actions . . and restorative relaxation yesterday.  We went for a drive out to Lummi over to tribal images and Darrell sold an original drawing for 50 bucks . . not much, but it wasn’t framed.  So we shared Indian tacos and kicked up the music on the way home.  I bought ‘Hail Caeser” which was a riot . . .what a clever and amusing movie!!  I loved it.  Kicked back to Queen of the south, Turn, Outlander, Mr. Robot . . some of my favorite shows.  I dropped in every now and again to the Republican convention . . . I can catch up on that tonight on my down time.  I saw enough . . Christy’s speech . . .wow.  Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.  Clinton needs to be locked up??  And he is Dudly Doright??  This is really, really , really crazy . . why are politicians tapping this kind of energy, harnessing it . . . it’s so dangerous to encourage, to validate that kind of pschology.

http://www.infowars.com/video-bernie-voters-hate-HillarJuly 27

28th

Donna is back in town.  We are on our way to Lake Padden.  I had internet installed at my apartment and have been having fun on Darrell’s old lap top, catching up on u tube documentaries and the latest on Hillary and the DNC.  I was terribly depressed a few days ago but do not have the time to explore it now  or any other topic.

(later) it sounded too good to be true and it was.  He threw me out of the car in a bad temper fit before we even got out of Bellingham.  So much for nice, normal fun at the lake . . . those days are gone. They will never happen again.

31st

Ran into Carol James outside the silver Reef a few days back . . . Darrell had picked me up, unexpectedly from work and we stopped for gas.  She was recently homeless.  apparently 43 familys (according to Carol) were kicked out of Lummi housing when traces of methamphetamine were found on the walls.  As long as I have known Carol I have never known her to do drugs or alchohol.  She is a Lummi Matriarch that both Darrell and I have respect for . . she beat an alchohol addiction many years ago and she has given me mch wisdom and insight over the years about Darrell.  We have not seen her for a long time . . I offered to let her stay at my place and so far it has been good, harmonious and great to have an old friend to talk to.  Donna and her boyfriend were staying at Darrell’s place but they cleared out last night when they finally bought a truck and a tent.  It has been busy, shuttling between making meals at both apartments and feeding5 people on no money and little groceries.  But we managed.  yesterday, I did the market and did well.  We had roast last night.  Today, I snooze and watch episodes of the Borgias on my tablet while Carol and her daughter also catch up on much needed r and r.  I can’t seem to get the sleepiness, the tiredness out of my bones this weekend.  it has been productive . . bridge building rather than reactive .  So, I am back to my my snoozing with the Borgias .  There are worse ways to spend a Sunday.  I don’t want to think about Politics today . . we chewed it up a bit this morning.  That’s enough.

8-2

bummed out.  I cannot find my wallet. The last time I remember handling it was pulling out some bucks for hamburger . . and then later, a few bucks for Darrell.  The only other place I went was the YMCA yesterday and perhaps it fell out of my backpack in the locker room.  or some one went through lockers.  Carol and daughter left early Monday morning.  It amounts to theft . . wether at the YMCA or at home . . . I just can’t believe that Carol would do that to me. It just doesn’t seem to be part of her character as I’ve understood it over the years . . but how well do I know her daughter??  Darrell yelling at me and saying it was my fault and he doesn’t want to hear about it . . . . as if to say, your the dumb ass that tried to be nice.

I can’t get groceries today as planned now.  That really makes me sad.  I have to go and cancel credit cards and everything.  I searched the apartment over and over  . . . .keep hoping I misplaced it.  Funny how quickly communal energy that is good and energizing can turn to rancor in an instant.  Darrell being so hatefull now when I really need HIS help . . . . it feels like the whole world is trying to pull me down.  I really don’t know why this negativity always follows any good thing, any assumption of good will, trust  and friendship in the community.

8-3

Have a spare drivers license, s.s.card, and birth certificate so Im O.K> I.D wise.  No funds were withdrawn yesterday on credit.  Non the less, i cancelled my bank card and food stamp card.  It will be over a week before I recieve replacements.

Seems like the Kahn incident has dealt a fatal blow to Trump.  It was brilliantly executed, I’ll say that much.  Why were all the half ways decent human beings like Rubio weeded out by the American people in favor of this travesty?? If that is what American white men truely identify with we are living in a scary country . . and Hillary . . . . .heard another conspiracy theory the other day . . . this one about how she ordered the gathering of DNA samples of the heads of state in various (mostly S. American) countries.  Dna can be studied for weaknesses to target . . . tailored illnesses ect . . . . and this is credited to the deaths of several South American leaders in a short period of time to cancers . . Chavez for example, who had cancer in the groin, supposedly from treated underpants, courtesy of Hillary.  Sound too fantastic??  Maybe.  But not beyond the realm of possibility.

Comcast i see has been hit with a huge lawsuit for millions here in Wa for deceptive practices.  I’ve been crying around about comcast for about 10 years and i truely believe we can’t even begin to fathom the deceptive practices.  i believe they have been contracted to allow spying through their comcast equipment. Who has contracted them?  How much of a pay off??  There were rumors years ago that Al Gore had huge shares in Comcast . . . I haven’t researched it lately . . . but from what i know it all leads back to the Democratic party and their controll of media and entertainment.  Certianly i was aware of spying, connected with my comcast equipment as early as 2007.  it sounds like a form of mentle illness . . and it’s ment to . . but i was being played with by some invasive, ruthless and perhaps pschopathic or at least indifferent people . . . .little clues would appear, visual or audio to let me know when a private conversation of behavior was being observed.

At any rate.  It was not a gentle . . let’s mess with Karen’s mind a little . . a little harmless fun as some people like to see themselves . . it was a major, major, psch op.

And dumb shit here took a long time to figure out how not to feed it. How to shut up with the drunk confessional stuff . . the long trips down personal history . . the self examination.

At any rate, it does not matter now.  it’s no longer important or of any strategic use to anybody now.  People may think ive gone a little crazy . . what is surprising is that i remained as sane as i did.

I’M still feeling like something nasty is going on right now . . . that there is some effort to pull me down . . and i don’t quite understand the dynamics.  Why so many people seemed to be pulling a ‘nights of Cabiria’ on me.  That’s kind of how I feel . . . like that chick in Night’s of Cabiria , , fucked over again.  Even Derek . . . wondering now why he even tried to get in touch with me . . i was kind of wary when i saw that . . what does he want . . . but i opened the door to conversation, only to have it shut.  Aw . . . . .up to their old tricks i guess, trying to get you to think about them so they can slam the door again . . . there sure have been alot of people like that in my life. This time however, it did not take up much emotional space . . because a corner of me kind of was prepared and guarded against it, emotionally.

I think I may go find a man counselor.

Went to an employees meeting yesterday . . a grief processing session for a favorite client that recently died.  I have to admit that these are genuinely good people Im working for and with. Not just righteously good . . I mean genuinely kind and caring and humane. The way Christians are supposed to be.  Lynden is a very Christian town.  They had strict Liquor laws and Sunday laws. It is tempting to charecterize it as a sort of Stepford wives community . . .serene, charming, lots of flowers . . and those oh so rich Dutch pastries . . .babys in their strollers everywhere . . and to think that it is a bit phoney.  And Ive seen a bit of that in the past . . . i remember when there was that controversy about the casino . . . and the hysteria of the ‘wrong element’ coming with the casinos into Lynden.  Women were lined up in protest with these babys in their strollers like a picket line.  wrong element?

Bored blue haired ladies from Canada?  The mob?

But the people i work with have impressed me.  They’re not faking it.  that’s the real puzzlement and revelation for me . . . they really aren’t faking it.