August 2017

2 08 2017

August 1 2017

Did some yoga tonight. something I have not done in a long while. I took my time.  Concentrated on breathing and being present and moving in rythym to when my body told me it had worked through whatever blockage was causing pain.  There were many of them.  A major one in my hip where I repeatedly fell.  My muscles were very tight and protective but i could feel them rejoice as i released bound up areas . Especially in my lower back.  it took a long, long time.  My body was so out of balance.  No wonder i was falling on my right leg so much.  I have a badly arthritic big toe on my right foot that i have forgotten to stretch for months.  i did some squats . . i forgot what they are called . . .putting my weight on my toes and rocking forward then up and down and boy did that make a difference.  i could feel the channels opening  all the way to my head. I feel so much better. Re alligned.

I felt happy when i finished.  happy to be exactly where i was. i felt , not dissacociated, unbalanced.  but alive, enjoying the sultry evening, the music.

August 6

Power is due to be turned off at Darrell’s today. Everyone tries to tell me NOT to rescue him this time.  But Darrell in utter darkness is literally as well as metiphorically without power, and that makes a dangerously unstable Darrrel who will need to shower and eat somewhere . . and that is me. Bottom line . . it is a safety issue for me.   Im also dealing with an extremely biased community which still holds ME accountable for everything in his life . I asked the co op for a draw to pay on Darrell’s  bill and within hours it was deposited in my account.  Weeks ago when i asked for a draw to get tires on my car it was promised but never deposited, despite several requests and reminders. This tells me a lot. It’s still all about who WE like.  Like it or not that dominates my life and choices . .   But of course, it never works.  Things cycle around anyway no matter how much i pour into it . . but at least it puts things off, puts a band aid on a situation that has such destructive potential for my peace and privacy.   But I am feel depressed again this morning at the festivals i will not make this month, the morning coffee houses, just when i was starting to enjoy themEarlier in the summer i was having trouble with disorganization.  Seemed like everything broke, and had to be replaced. I kept falling.  loosing things.  My health and pain level was terrible.  This month i am feeling quite fit.My pain levels are pretty low. But it seems like Ive made some bad choices , in moods of instant  impulsiveness  that exist in contrast to my usual survival stragegies and thinking that is always weighing the pros and cons down the road, tending toward distrust.

The Go phone was one such poor choice. At the time i needed a phone,after my tablet died,  and thought it would be a good gift for Darrell as well  to keep him occupied. It did till the data ran out.  When I changed the plan to unlimited a few days ago the phone no longer would work. it was slow and wouldn’t download.  I put it back on factory settings but it is still was worthless.  A bunch of money . .again,  trying to fix the developing Darrell madness  by giving him something to occupy himself. Making poor choices . .getting a cheap phone instead of a good one.

The car i bought has got some issues. I don’t like the color. it was also a  poor choice . . after a successfull stragety of carefull consideration that prevented me from buying some other cars that were overpriced junk. , , I bought it in a mood of crescendoing instant gartifacation.

it seems you can make many, many rational choices but you only need to slip into the ferocious irrationality of abandoning carefully considered conseqence once . . . and once can screw up your entire life for a long time time, even permanently.  The prisons are full of that one poor choice. You can loose your home over one poor choice. a relationaship.  A family. A reputation.  A job.  A life. As i have discovered, they are not ireversabile as we believed when we were young.

(later) got the go phone up and running right . . . my payment to the account had been processed but not the updated data plan. I am thrilled to have a smart phone at peak performance again. Got the loan from the Co op but it was too late to rescue Darrell’s shut off today.  They would not set up payment plan.  OK so make the best of it.  I guess he will be over a lot more  and in a rotten mood that may develop into something to be wary of.  But i quit all booze so i should be able to handle it O.K.

Just feeling funky today and crabby. Need to do that yoga.  My muscles are all tight from swimming and the chlorine causes a little allergy. I think that’s what’s making me crabby.

8-8

Took out a few hours to do my yoga again tonight. It did not take as long for me to relax those back muscles. My balance doing standing poses, like the warrior is better.  there are changes too in the meditative state.  The first time i did the yoga i smudged first and asked all negativity to leave. It came crescendoing back afterwards and i had some wine later.  . . one last destructive practice before . . . I was puzzled by that.  why did i want to do that?  Enact such destructive craving when i was trying to move in the opposite way.  i wondered if forces of evil hating to be banished, found a way back in a big way because i was not stronger just then. . like a tsunami following a tidal draw away from the shore.  or was it just garbage that was being released?  I had awfull dreams after that.  I dreamt of going to the bathroom and shitting larve or something like that.  This signifies decay i think.  or something ‘eatting’ at me.

When i talked about this to  Darrell he gruffy asked me if i had been talking to what medicine man .Who was teaching me these things.  . but he knew what i was talking about and told me to keep on doing it.  he understood about the negative stuff gushing back.

Tonight was my third session.  I swear I envisioned, when i meditated, an advising presence that told me to cease thses bad practices if i wanted to move into another state of awareness.  To begin with myself. Im in a different place tonight than i was the first time.I do not feel agitated .  i do not feel like messing myself up with too much wine.   I feel like I am in touch with my soul, everything seems sharp and clear.  Im not going to write more about this.  It is a journey not easily conveyed or likely to be understood . Darrell of course will ascertain things without being told.

Finished up some hats and photographed them earlier.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trump’s saber rattling at North Korea scares me. Approaching Niburu does not. If it’s true, there is nothing we can do about it  unlike  playing with nuclear threat . it seems so insane. We have learned nothing.

I am worried about Darrell and dealing with mixed feelings about this power bill thing that’s been going on for so long.  I feel bad for him and wish I had been doing more earlier , like printing up his art the way i used too, and paying on his bills I (actually I was paying on some of his bills) instead of getting a car.  That’s what i mean about poor choices. I made a choice driven by self centeredness instead of altruism.  I should have secured his world for him if i really cared for him . . .perhaps i wasn’t particularly caring that much the way i once did. id been so burned over the past years and it was hard to shake.  that’s why i picked such a dark car.  It was dark energy.

Today when i was out walking with Georgia two eagles were swooping and playing right above us. Once i would have taken it as a signal that i was on the right path, doing something right.  But perhaps it was just two eagles frolicking.

8-9

Got wheel covers in and boy does that car look better.  Snazzy.  Treated myself to a haircut and feel snazzy too. I was feeling horrible this afternoon. ugly and frumpy and everything felt wrong. could not figure out what was wrong and how to make it better. The haircut did the trick.

I had been eating some very sugary cake.  Carrot cake with loads of frosting . . . .my favorite and something i cannot resist. Oh . . that craving aspect.  And it made me feel terrible.  perhaps i am developing some diabetes . . . it was a rotten awfull feeling i could not put my finger on.  I usually don’t eat that much sugar . . except brownies.  i thought about my dream . . perhaps i really have a parisite problem. Not metiphorically but in actuality.    My guts are not feeling right. I have recently a craving for sugars . . perhaps there is a way to test this . . or go down to the health food store and try some worm wood or something they recommend.  Do a purge of some sort.

The tumeric I have been taking daily seems to be reducing pain and inflamation in a noticable way.

They found a new apartment for Darrell.  A two bedroom.  He is excited about this.  I am no longer worried about him being abandoned to darkness . . . and me failing to prevent this . . . perhaps unconciously willing it? Because of all the hurt done to me?

But  he does not care about me.  others that know me find my company interesting, down to earth, open, humerous, intelligent, generous, often funny  . . human.

if they cant see that then . . who is really the garbage.

8/11

Dream

I dreamt that Darrell and i went to Nazca Peru. In my dream Nazca was a town with a world famous museum. Something big was happening there.  A revolution of sorts was about to happen in a nearby town.

8 11

Took Joan out to Elizabth park Thursday night and we both got out and danced.  Imagian Joan, 8o something year old Joan getting out and doin ‘Truckin’ by the dead.  It’s really good for her sake to get out and enjoy festive events while she can.  I am trying to do my job as thoughtfully as i can, most of the time,  trying to make a difference in the quality of someones life.  I once directed that energy toward Darrell and i was repayed with social violence. These days he refers to me as just a piece of shit drunk.  other women tell me he spreads alot of dirty stuff about me . . which explains why there’s been a resurgence of like minded energy from guys around town . . Im being reduced to this, as dismissed as such.  . . In my personal I am still the one thinking about how to make the quality of some one elses life better . . my folks, my clients.  Everyone but myself i guess.  My quality of life over the years has been terrible, and its taken its toll.  Took Georgia out to Lake Padden yesterday.  i guess she rarely gets to do this.  She really enjoyed just sitting on the bench watching the kayakers and swimmers.  Getting cooler now.  Rain tommarrow . . .at last.

8 13

Took the Onyx to Jiffy Lube and had her done, Firestone as well for a wheel alignment.  The allignment was severe.  Glad i got it fixed.

The other night i had that dream about Nazca in Peru.  Then,  The other night i was watching  Gia t.v and found a program  about recent finds in Nazca . supposedly, they discovered mummies of Aliens. They were testing the dna.  These mummies were strange, with long threee fingered toes and hands, enlongated skulls.  Is this program a fake?? The mummies a hoax?  Like the mermaids??  In the third program they showed the mummies of tiny , tiny human like creatures they had also found in the Nazca area.  Earlier that day I had told Darrell about the 3 fingered mummy and what a strange coincidence it was that I had had this dream about Nazca only a night or so before i watched this.  Darrell had told me that people on his rez had witnessed tiny people there.  I got the usual speech about how white people think they know everything but theres a lot of things  that his people know.  Which i agree with.  Then this program about the tiny mummies.  I am excited by all of this.  Why would I have that dream?  Why me? After all . . .Im not a seer, a medicine man, a phrophetess, Im just this or just that .  It feels like a clue.

8/14

Did a little research and apparently the Nazca mummies are fake. Real human mummies from antiquity that have been modified .

They are calling the riots in Charlotte’sville a race conflict. But most everyone there is white . . so it’s an ideological conflict, not really a race one.

8/16

Wow. Events in Charlotte’sville have really touched an emotional hotspot in a lot of people. I hesitate to pour out my thoughts in the matter.  My thoughts are swirling around. There’s much I want to say. I fear being pulled into an entrapment before I fully understand what’s been going on.  Just as I move away from taking on issues of conflict and am practicing finding a place free of anger . . . I am being tested with things that can create anger. And yet, those who do not engage are guilty of aqquiesence by silence as well.

I too have been very hurt by supremecy. I was ghettoized by a family who pisses all over themselves defending liberalism ( in Minneapolis)  but whose notions of worth are defined by race at a deep level. this translated into enormous  hardship, it put me permanently into a class that can never regain any status in the middle class no matter how good a person I may be.   I know and saw  the lives of the marginalized, and i survived it.  people seem to have forgot that.  and, at one time I fought  against classism.  Many people hated me for this.   I WAS  marginalized because of my paling around with Darrell when i first came to Bellingham. . .and the attitudes of supremicists who marginalized me are protected and excused even held up as ‘truth’  by the very media that proclaims these views to be repulsive and inexcusable. The liberal elite does not recognize how much , at a deeper level , not the intellectual one, they too embrace a world view that is formed by supremecy.  anytime someone says . . . so and so  is only garbage . . .anytime they dehumanize some one, excuse  or forment social violence  . . .they are coming from a value system not fundamentally different from the supremicists they decry, only more sophisticated, less raw and ugly.  or is it?

People carrying torches and spewing hate toward others is a very shocking and easily recognized image.  Its the less recognizable stuff that is scarey to me, because its hurt me the most.

8-18-2017

Read about how this company was running ads  on craigs list about 40 miles from charlottesville recuiting actors and photographers . . mercenaries in other words . . .to plump up the ranks of demonstartions.  just prior to the riots.  I forgot what the name of that organization is . . protest on demand or something.  I posted the link but it has mysteriously dissapeared.  They were offering 25 dollars an hour . . .that adds up to quite a little chunk. Now the question is were they requiting actors for the staged nazi event??  My guess is that they were. The advertisement states that this is for peaceful demonstration. Not a good charecterization of antifa.  And since the ad ran in in a town not too far from Charlottesville i would assume that the numbers of people sympathetic to antifa . . or willing to impersonate antifa for pay would be pretty minimal.

Truthfully, i had my suspicions right from the beginning . . .the whole torchlight thing . . .that’s just tooo much out of the pages of Nazi Germany, it’s just too much of an easily recognizable image, . some of the disturbed people who  would do this ( and there aren’t really all that many)  may be nutcases and dopes but people higher up are not as dopey and that just doesn’t sound like a very smart tactic for groups that have been attempting to soften it down and become more mainstream . . that is something that would set them so back from this goal it just didn’t make sense to me.  not unless, it was actually being staged by other groups, perhaps another sorros event?  Not that i believe it was entirely scripted, yeah, there were some real neo nazis there . . . but.

Well, if it was a scripted event that’s really going too too far. And yet . . .where’s the questioning.  Where’s the outrage over this??    Democrats don’t want to own the degree to which they have over the years done much of this kind of thing . . . There’s a mountain of evidence now coming to light about Oklahmoa bombing for example that illustrate this.

New York Times had some kind of headline about Trump  being in the middle of a self inflicted race conflict.  it’s not a race conflict. it’s ideological.

 

8-19

dropped off a 50 dollar gas gift card and a twenty dollar food gift card for Darrell but i did not stay and talk. I don’t know if i am doing the right thing in breaking off contact for a while .  Tommarrow is food stamp day for me, I may drop off my card for him and that way Im assured he has enough to eat.  Ive got a cabnet full of beans and rice and i can get by. Just need coffee and butter and olive oil.  I just reached a point where i snapped and could not take a drop more of the negativity  a few days ago.  I have bought myself some chrochetting stuff and am happy to spend a peaceful day today on a new project.  Yesterday I did an intense workout at the gym and Im rather sore today.  Getting bad vibes around town yesterday . . either people dissaprove of my shutting Darrell out or my recent thoughts following Charlotte’sville.

Falseflag events are so commen these days it is always wise to reserve a little skepticism about practically every terrorist event.  And the Democrats are not alone.  The Neo Cons for example and 9-11 . . . the worst i can think of. I mean if you really want to talk about Nazis.  Look into the history of Prescott Bush.  And although more and more people agree these days that 9-11 was an inside job . . .there’s no outrage.

I am missing Darrell terribly, the funny Darrell, the teasing Darrell, the teddy bear Darrell.  But I never see that Darrell anymore anyway.

 

8-20

Had a really nice day doing the market yesterday. Ran into lots of people I hadn’t seen in a while.  My hats arent as good as some of the ones i made years ago.  It’s turning cooler and i have a lot of summer deco hats, mesh baggy hats left over.

8/23

Dad has to go in for surgery on his spine.  Arthritis is pressing on his spinal cord.  He sees his doctor on the 29th.  I talked with him and insisted on taking a leave of abscence and going back to St. Cloud whether my mother likes it or not.  Something like this was bound to happen and they will have to face reality wether they like it or not.  I guess Darrell too is going back to south Dakota for sure next month.  So the story of karen and Darrell in Washington will soon be over and done. For me, it certianly was not always a happy one . . although it could have been.  It’s back to the Midwest wether we like it or not . . wether they like it or not.  Cannot put off family obligations further.  I will get a room somewhere in t. Cloud. it will be hell living with my Mom untuill then, her dementia is much worse andher meaness and stubborness as well. i will emerge the strongest in all this.  Outlive all of them.

8/27

I have some new clients and they are delightful.  Professional people with a aging mother visiting for a spell.  They have this awsome house filled with Alaskan Native artwork, Chinese prints. glass work, photographs , dreamcatchers, drums,  and art of all kinds. There are are lots  of windows, workshops, nooks and crannies that catch the light. The house is surrounded by large cedar.  If i had to come up with a phrase that captures the sense of this house i would call it a ‘lightcatcher’.  Rob is a retired engineer who makes cedar hats as a hobby in his workshop. His wife, a retired teacher.  You know it’s a good assignment when one of ones job duties is to start off with morning coffee with the clan and the morning news. Really, it’s on my check off list . . morning coffee.

Darrell has been working on one of his wood burnings, varnishing it up . . . Tribal images has shut down and he has no place to sell it except informally so perhaps i will bring it in for the Hoyts to look at.  Now, at the cusp of decisions that draw us back to St. Cloud . . . i suddenly find myself working for rich Indians with a powerful aesthetic , here among the cedars.

Darrell came over and was in a good mood.  Like the Darrell who used to live with me years ago, all laughter and teasing.

August 30th

Stressed out again over Dad’s upcoming surgery.  Contacted sister kate and perhaps she can step in.  The idea of having to go threw all that again  makes me so upset.  What, i get there and mom whines around and gets hostile and then Dad asks me to leave and pays me off . . like my job and housing are going to tolerate me leaving every 3 months to ‘help him’  which basically means listen to him make fun of Mom and spew out all his resentments untill they send me home.  I fucking tried to re establish myself in St. Cloud 3 months ago so I could be on hand for emergencies and care taking . . but they pulled the rug. Now they want me back like it was nothing . . .god, no wonder so many of the men in my adult life were just like that, Eddy, Dan .  using their home to play out power games , under their controll and then decimating me. Drawing me in and throwing me out.   Darrell too, once he got his place. I have had it.  The long term consequences of this have messed me up.  I was better off in my 20s . . when everyone throught i was so terrible and didn’t give a shit about them . . .then, they were nice.  Why is that . . the more you care about people the more they fuck with you . . when you don’t give a shit and are totally selfish then they go out of their way for you.

(later)

I probably will go back mid September . Somebody has to this time.  Darrell is leaving too.  And very soon.  There’s all kinds of complications involved with our simultanious move and future plans that would put grey hair on a saint in my my shoes.  I have to weigh some pretty heavy stuff . . but then, I have been for a long time now.

Was watching episodes of Cosmic Disclosure with Cory Goode.  I suppose anything is possible. Even the idea that  the extraterrestial threat could be part of a plan to focus the globe on an external enimy.  it may turn out that Wilcox and Goode are having a good laugh as they rake in the gullible . . but I don’t think so. That amounts to a lot of research and time spent . . there are easier ways to run a con.  It’s a lot of information to take in and process . . . but I guess i believe that there is a secret space program and that our history might be very very different from what we believe.

8-31

Watching Manhunt: the Unibomber and my heart just goes out to that young man who wnet through such a terrible MK Ultra experimentation at Harvard.  I did too . Although it was different . . but the invitation to share ones life story , one’s soul , to hook one into that  . . .and then have it turned into calculated, ritualalistic humiliation in an attempt to break or program a trauma based fragmented personality that can be triggered, is the same. The technique was a little different .In my case it was not secret but public . .but the monsters were the same.  I ask myself; am I broken?  If not, what was the core strenghth that carried me through.  Perhaps i was older than Ted. Hardened to betrayal, except for my romanticism towards Darrell. Also, I had a sense of what was happening to me and i tried to make it known (unsucessfully)  Perhaps Id already come to a place in my life where i cast a skeptical eye on my fellow countrymen. Was it my mind or my heart that carried me through? A pschologist , a wonderful  Italian nun from New Jersey . . once told me i would have trouble with people in my life because i saw right through them, and they knew it, so they would use whatever leverage of power they had to hurt and diminish  me.  That was a long, long time ago.  people like her are rare , they are what one would hope pyscology would be all about.

But it rarely is in my experience. and there are more people like Murrey in that  field than Adi.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Actions

Information

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: