July 2017

2 07 2017

See June

Too lazy and tired today.

July 7

Just got notice from social security.  It will in all likelyhood end soon. I am only 1 and half years away from retirement . . .now, when my hip is in constant pain and riding buses is an agony, now when asthma has escalated and takes chunks out of my work . . when i need it they end it.  I am only working part time since I have returned from MN and absolutely nothing has gone right.  it’s like there’s this disaster or breakdown energy that has shutting down everything I . . and my frined darrell try to do.  I was given a job assingment up in the hills and they have to call a cab because Darrell’s car is falling apart.
Because he hit a deer. This costs the co op time and money. Then the assignment is cancelled.  No explanation . . i am left wondering what did I do wrong?  I thought we were getting along good . . perhaps we were, perhaps its just the transportation problem. Then my tablet died. I need a phone for work so even though i am really short on money I went out and got a go phone. It lasted about 6 days . .then the night before I am to go to Seattle, I am getting really ill with brochitis and asthma and slop herb tea on the phone.  No phone to call work.  No phone to call Kate.  Some how we connect in Seattle. By Sunday I am in bed, where I belonged. No phone to call in sick so I use email to contact them, twice,  about not making my Monday shift.  I get in trouble for  not calling.    I know they think Im bullshitting . . .

it just sounds like an inplausable string of mishaps. So I have to go in today and recieve my scolding lecture and paperwork on ‘communication’ and ‘attendance’.  Yes your honor, the car hit a deer, two phones died, I was sick . . but the car is up and working now, we replaced the wheel bearings, and i got a flip phone for emergencies. Im better . . . i went to the doctor.  Really your honor.

Then yesterday there was another miscommunication about cancelling my evening shift. In trouble for that.  Everything is collapsing no matter how hard i try and I am genuinely frightened.  I really need that social security.  I can hardly walk these days.  How will i work??  Seems like everyone is angry with me no matter what I do, . . and Im the one that’s doing all the work, all the helping out, reaching out, going on bus trips to patch up family ties . . which doesn’t work and then takes a hug bite out of my health, physical emotional and financial and destabilizes my world big time.  Quitting Cascade connections to go to MN  has ruined me. What little constancy and stability I had.   If my parents had not been so strange and had let me reestablish myself id be in a good job right now, with a car for my hip.  perhaps it is this toll that is manifesting itself in all this energy that makes things go wrong ever since i came back. But then . . . I think the beginning of the end began a little over a year ago, the Spring trip to Standing Rock and MN. This entire year since then has been nothing but abuse and anger and talk of death threats  and me trying to cope as professionally as i can to hold on to the future. The long range plans i made for the future have fallen apart. All that training and practice so i could step in and help my folks transition the last years of their life . . but the energy connected with casting Karen out was more powerfull, more deeply ingrained, more nessesary to them than the bonds of love.  Now Im up shit creek.

Really, Im trying to be a good employee but i feel like that biologist guy in the gods must be crazy trying to impress the school teacher and everything goes wrong, looks wrong instead.  I suppose i can just look for another line of work . . .there’s always running the cash register at some conveniance store.  I can call up socail security and cry and cry, get some kind of written verification on the extra expenses my ‘disability’ are creating for my co op. Then get some exrays of that hip as fast as i can . . . and hope I can get the results to social security beofore their final desision.

Sunday

Rest day.  Feeling better.  I did not get the reprimand I expected.  Perhaps making a mountain over a mole hill . . but it shows i care about my work. Just a little tap on the wrist.  Also recieved another letter from S.S.A . . . they are keeping my benefits in place and medicare too.  That makes me very, very happy.  That is the cornerstone of my stability at this point.  it allows me to live with some comfort . . anything else i make is extra and allows me to dress better, go out to eat . . . get tablets and so on. I am putting money into savings for a car now.   We are now entering a stage of fix it energy where everything seems to mend, come together, come out bright and shiney.  I took Darrell’s car to the car wash and got all the deer crud and road crud off of it.  It purrs now, all bright and shiney. Darrell too was purring, his smile all bright and shining.

I don’t know if I am bright and shiney yet but i feel like all the road crud is washed off my soul as well.  When we settle down and quit trying to run across country our little world maintains itself nicely despite all the challenges and what ever opinions are thrown our way.  When we dash off all the time in the name of family everything falls apart and has long term consequnses.  Darrell especially . . but why am i writting about him still.  he does not write about me. Cusses a lot perhaps.

I am wearing my prayer bead bracelet all the time. After all, the gods are real if you believe in them . . . I rather like the god that was manifested in the monk/hustler who blessed and cursed me in Seattle.  Rather like Mr. Wednesday of ‘American Gods”. My favorite  show,.  i decided to believe in good things happening if i wear it . . .and truthfully, i feel better. The love and compassion  energy that was dying out in me blossomed back . if it’s delusional well what of it . . . it doesn’t hurt.

Wednesday

Day off.  I am well again and looking forward to getting back to swimming. Really looking forward to my day.  I might even do some yoga later.  Worked w Georgia yesterday who is such a sweetheart. This line of work, through the co op,  is so much less stressfull and depessing than what I was doing in Lynden. And much easier too in some ways . . it does however require interpersonal skills, since this is companionship as well as assistance. So it depends on my ability to forge communications. To find commen ground with my clients.    I can talk to people, talk about their lives, mine to some degree, i am not cut off from others as i was under progressive sabotage. Their ruthless and evil tactics were  not entirely successful.

I have been watching ‘The Story of China’.  It has completely  engaged me. So much of it is unfamilier to me.   I was always kind of partial to the Ming Dynasty in the past because i admired their voyages , the pottery and laquerware. I had no idea they were so autocratic and severe however.  I think I would have enjoyed living in the southern Song.

As long as i was ugly and unvalued so no one bound my feet. And i could write poetry and eat out a lot.  Perhaps if I were part of a restaurant owning family . . . or a lively tavern.

But hell, I have a lot of that here and now.  Except for being ugly, and part of a resturant owning family.

Bought Darrell a new pair of tennis shoes.  He is in a pretty ragged place right now . . . tape on his shoes. The St. Cloud upbringing voice tells me that it is the consequence of his own actions, irresponsibilities  and  choices, and if he is lonely and forlorn its because he has been such an asshole . . .the pity part of me , despite everything, is trying to fan a little bit of hope and care in the hopes that he will pull his life together again.  A new pair of shoes, a new shirt, a chicken dinner . . .who doesnt like new shoes.  it won’t break the bank.  He WILL try to push the envelope if Im generous, it comes with the territory, and i WILL build up resentments if  I let myself be a push over.  But that isn’t happening right now . . and I am finding what I need in life in my community now, unlike the past and all my meaning is not tied up with darrell.

I ment to write of things on the larger stage that have captured my attention.  Rush Limbaugh said some things that caught my attention and stunned me with their stupidity . . . but, I dont feel like going into it. right now.

Sunday 7-16

I have things to be very happy about, things to be gratefull for that have come my way but instead I am feeling very sad, abandoned,

puzzled by so much rejection, and empty. For tyhe first time since I cam back from MN I am pain free, illness free. Got in a good workout at the pool. That is something to be grateful for.  Social security is something to be gratefull for.  My father’s sudden willingness to help me finance a used car is something to be gratefull for.  I ought to be estatic. But I just feel so lonely. I did a string of things with Darrell and then he unexpectedly turned mean on me . . .ive been over that over and over in my journals and it still hurts. Still gets to me.  The things people do to hurt me always seem to overshadow all the good things . . and sometimes it just catches up in a mini breakdown of sorts. When Darrell took off without telling me and no one would answer my calls it really messed with my soul, filled me with puzzlement and anger and grief. When i run into Paul or Andrea that’s all I can think of. Why? Oh . . because Im supposed to be soooooo stupid. That carcophany of condemnation, constant from Darrell as well. So, that excuses the most basic courtesy? What was so stupid about being worried, worried about him losing his place, trying to ttrack him down in Standing Rock?? Gathering up some of his cherished stuff? Then the hear6breaking stuff in St. Cloud. after all that effort.  Then no one would comment any more on Facebook.  That’s done.  After all that effort.  Now Kate is not responding to communication after all the pain and illness and trouble i went through to get down to Seattle. I guess I didn’t show her a good enough time ior she deemed me too unworthy. Now . . despite the flipping into anger and abuse, i feel sad that I am truely, finally losing Darrell. He is taking down and packing up his stuff to leave. This hurts most of all . . . we did so much to make him comfortable in his new apartment, and it all went down the tubes.  The energy that once usustained it dissapeared.  All the love left . . yet, i hung on, even though the love had gone.     I am all alone and friendless. I have no connections now.

I do have some peace and security, and with a car Im all set. My job keeps me interested.  Is my destiny i wonder to be so sad all the time.

7/19

Worked with Georgia, who was crying and crying when i arrived over a tiff with her son over hair washing.  I just held her.  She is responsive to affection and touch.  We all have our ‘cry days’. Days when we just seem to have an overview of our life situation and we want to cry, or can’t stop it when it starts, for all the wasted days we get up, go through our routines, put on our best most optomistic face . . and still feel wronged in some way. Feel the futility of it all.  I think with Georgia, that in spite of the dementia, there are moments of emotional clarity, as there are in other clients, when the overview of their situation and their lack of personal autonomy and controll is fully felt.

The childish, pouty  mood of a few days ago has passed. Not without ripples of consequence. Depression causes lapses in my focus in my work and self . I get my schedual screwed up . . mess things up for myself. Loose things. break things. drop things. forget things.    You would think i would have this thing licked by now . . . be able to recognize the patterns that lead to relapse.  Perhaps some day the behaviorists will find out that they got it all wrong . . it really IS demonic spirits after all .OOOOPS.   You have to wonder sometimes . . .

Perhaps my visit with Kate brings up the undiscovered country of a deep bond going back to childhood, good and bad.  And it casts a shadow that’s been hard to shake.

She did write me a brief and up beat thanks for the visit.  And that ment a lot.

Came very close to being conned, or inadvertantly  making a poor buying desision on a KIa.  it seemed to travel nice at higher speeds.  But something about the man’s sales pitch alerted me that he was aware of possible transmission problems ( it had been replaced) and something about leaks being sealed so i had it checked out by the boys at the black top and they found a few things that would cost mean additional 2000. if not fixed they said i would be risking a blown head gasket so I did not get the car.  Tired of looking at cars right now. The enthusiasm has worn off. You can’t get very much for 2500. You need at least 3000 to get a used car that’s decent.  I have the number of a dealer that a bunch of guys here in my building swear by so i guess I’ll check them out.  Darrell has been taking me around . . but of course, he wants a lot of gas money. Mayber I will just save up and get something half way decent.

Going to the Dr. today to have them look at that hip.  Ill probably have to have some exrays.  Did some beadwork projects and that was fun.  almost done with a new hat design as well.  So that’s the boring report from the increasingly  boring old lady . . and i am beginning to sound like a old lady these days.  My hips. My doctors appointment.  My car.  The illnesses of others. My crochetting.   But I have come to a place where I value holding on to connections with people a lot more than I used to.  perhaps it becomes important at last on the cusp of sunset years . We hold on to what we have if we can. Instead of throwing it all away on some momentous thing as we see it . . which all passes away anyway and is forgotten.

(later)   Bursitis. That was the diagnosis. one of those itises. My new young , handsome, fit , strong handshake doctor gave me the talk . . .on the holistic relationship between nutrition, emotional health, eatting habits, metabolism  and so on  . jeez i felt like i ought to be ashame d for being fat and old.  . . i mean , he was a really nice guy . . but the term “morbidly obese.’ who termed that??  morbidly obese?? not pleasently or happily or even joyfully or self acceptingly obese . . morbidly obese?  people who weigh 600 pounds and wish to dies that way perhaps . . . but I m 70 pounds away  from being o.k.  .  where did this term morbidly obese come into being?  Im not morbid about the extra 70 pounds I carry.  well . . sometimes.  I  wistfully wish for the days when i was different.  but give up beer?  For beauty? at 60?  hell no.

what exactly am i supposed to be fit and beautifull for?

Friday

Started the diet.  Bought a bunch of tangerines and bananas.  Making up some chicken soup , without noodles.  Hibiscus tea and iced black tea instead of juice or gatoraid.  i wanted to do this anyway.  i can take off 25 pretty easy . . it’s not following that with a binge of m and ms, peanuts and snickers that’s the hard part.  I found out the wild Turkey is the alchoholic beverage with the least amount of calories.  I did not know that.  Now i know it. Tequila comes in second.

Got my smart phone replaced.  Im letting Darrell use it so he can play his games , watch netflicks and do facebook . . . its better for his mentle health than watching endless Andy Griffith dvds.  I may use it from time to time  , I miss my u tube, but i signed up for Gia on on demand and that has been keeping me quite engaged.  Only one season of Buzz saw??  I would think it would have a lot of viewers, interesting material . . the kind of thing I seek out. I don’t write about it much, but i think about it. . . the Dracos, the The Rockefellers, the
rothshields, the mind controll terrorism, (Actually I have written alot about my experience with that . . long before it became widely understood) Nebula,   there are endless topics in Gia to feed my hungry seeking curiosity.   The smart phone for Darrell is a good move, better that than feeding his weed habit and his  endless driving to Lummi out of obsession and boredom.

Still looking at cars.

Tues

Got a car. A Honda accord .   Needs tires.  Also an oil change . . so Im not going to drive it much till i do this. Had a little trouble starting it yesterday and my heart sank, thinking Id bought a dud. But it was just the battery posts. I cleaned them off and put a little tinfoil around them and retightened the bolts and that did the trick.

Invited Darrell over to dinner but, true to form,  he didn’t show and i got bent out of shape. Brought over some food instead.  Man, was he grouchy.

Wed

Put in some oil  .  The car was frighteningly low on oil, as it was in radiator water and windsheild fluid.   This guy must of let that car sit for a while . . either that or he sure didn’t care very much about it.  He didn’t really drive it like that ?   It just purrrs now.  It definetly has potential.  I trust it now . . except for the tires.  Car has  these red and black leather racing seat covers and steering wheel cover . . i hate them and want to take them off but Darrell likes them and says they suit the car. They don’t suit my personality however.  The car is really good on gas, really good but i will have to watch it carefully to see if it eats oil, or leaks.  I have to get the title change and plates. Dang i hate this WA law that makes you get new license and tabs when you change title.  Expensive.  Then tires.  After the 3rd Ill put it on the block and have it checked out . . . I should probably check the transmission fluids and break fluids today. Also, clean it out. All kinds of shell casings under the seat.  Not only did this kid like racing periphanelia, he also apparently liked to hunt. And crank up the music.  He had expensive subwoofers in the car  but I didn’t want to [pay for them so he removed them . . that’s probably why the battery post was loose. Car sticks a tiny bit in first and could use a little  reallignment but not too bad and the mileage is pretty good.

I’ll put some Indian blankets on those seats.  Hang a little sage from the windshield.  Maybe something goofy on the dash . . .get some stickers on the bumpers . . . .yeah,then the car will be hunted instead of hunter . . . .that’s actually not a joke, but it will feel right.

Then Ill crank up the Bach and totally confuse them.

Monday

Made some dances and festivities last week. Went to the Downtown block party on Wenesday night.  Some hot bands, Snug harbor and Positive Agenda.  I really dug Snug harbor.  The lead singer was . . er . . hefty . . .in a 1940s style Hawaiin lime and pink floral type dress with a pink floppy hat to match . . and boy could she belt it. What a voice.  Yeah!! Celebrating hefty women!!  This band was followed by a dancersize type group that got the crowd mimicking their sexy dancersize moves incorporating  African dance, latin (kind of) moves and a whole bunch of other dance styles.  Lots of hefty women in that group shakin that booty.  Proud to be hefty night and lovin it.  So, in the spirit of what appeared to be an empowerment thing I too got out and shook some hefty booty.  Probably the first time in about 20 or more years.  I still got some moves.

People here generally don’t ‘get down’ uninhibitedly.  I did most of my dancing in Eugene and especially Newport OR . . and in those days everybody got down at the drop of a pin. Especially in Newport during the winter months when the tourists were gone and the fishing slow and dancing was just the way people dealt with the dark and rainy months. They had some great local musicans in those days, like Rick Bartow.  When I worked at the Whale’s tail we would close up, clock out for a hour and go dance at the fisherman’s bar . . what was it called, the Bay Haven? Then clock back in and finish up.

It’s either a different era or a different region . . . people sway until theres enough of a crowd to brave dancing in a crowd. They are definetly not uninhibited.   And no one does much team dancing.  Girls dance with their friends a lot.  The loss of magic on the dance floor (except for the dancersize thing) seems to be a casualty of the whole gender blurring thing, some would call it a breakdown , deliberately engeneered or not, good or bad.  Not the way I remember it.

Also went out and caught some bluegrass the other night.  Im not going to let the summer pass without enjoying it a little.  Some times you have to make a plan to get out when depression gets you . . or the whole cycle of negative self talk.

Dudes seem to be angry at me for some reason.  I can see it . . what the issue is I do not know.  Made up a bunch of food for Darrell this week end and tried to make up after a friction last week.  I invited him to dinner.  He did not show or call. I got bummed out and bought some wine and had a few things to say over the phone.  But all is O>K> again.  We had dinner last night and were friendly company for each other.

The bad news is that my rent has been increased by 400 dollars . . and I am only working part time.

I have more to say about this.  it made me cry and cry. Feel Punished.  Like a target of jealousy and sabotage because my life was going better. My unending distress story with the BHA over the years.  I almost got in my car and drove to a brand new town yesterday.  Seems like they really don’t want you to get anything good, to get ahead.  Like they are so resentfull that some one might be getting something more, or for free, or undeservedly.  Or by not following the unwritten rules. or the written rules.  . You know, outside the matrix.

I could feel it in the building among the tenents too. But they saw me break down and cry, and once you do that, then the resentment eases off and even the thunderclouds are being friendly this morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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