June 2017 . . almost

20 05 2017

Cart is packed up and am ready to do the market . . . at last.  Not feeling too great.  I went down to Old Town for breakfast  . . just to make an appearance at the coolest breakfast spot in town, where all the intellectuals, the journalists and townys go.  it’s important to be seen, just so they know your still functioning.  The breakfast was too spicy.  It gave me heartburn and then the runs.  Im still trotting to the john.  But we are off to do the hat thing.  I went to Northwest Yarns and got some specialty yarns . . instead of ragfinery for second hand . . . and it feels wonderful to be doing my thing again the way i used to.  Im ready to sew too as soon as i have some time.  yesterday was supposed to be sew day but I spent most of it laying around in hip pain , ankle pain and gut pain.

I was expecting darrell to show up.  His folks said he was headed back.  I checked his place.  The music was still on. No sign of Darrell.   Then i got a message . . he was still in jail.  I could have written him if Id known that.

I am feeling better the past few days.  Ive gotten in some swimming.  My landlord drastically lowered my rent making it posssible for me to travel and still keep my place.

Ive been following the news, spending much time on u tube but no time or inclination to explore my opinions on many topics of interest.


Feeling much better.  I’ve been swimming every day , trying to take better care of myself and I don’t look and feel so terrible about myself.  I will talk to darrell by phone this afternoon and find out what his plans are and what i can do to help.  I rescued a pot roast from his fridge yesterday ( and a lot of pot)  and threw out all the milk and spoiling foods.  I almost spent the night there just out of grief, which I am not allowing myself to fully feel or let go of.  I am reviewing so many things now i cannot write of here.


Today is my last day at the Dudleys.  I will miss them.  Last Saturday i dug up some of thier overgrown garden and now i am headed over to the co op to get some starts and flowers.  My parting gift.

Darrell is headed back with Rhonda according to her postings.  So i will let them alone. I will be gone before too long for I don’t know how long, could be weeks or maybe even months.  so i won’t see them much.

Despite all my persistant painfull attempts to contact Darrell , about what to do with his stuff, his apartment . . . It’s brutally and painfully apparent  that i have been completed erased from his life now with the support of his circle of friends and workers.  Am I SOOOO TERRIBLE??   I believe I was worthy of greater respect, but if it isn’t there then Im not going to make a fool of myself trying to plead and beg.  I have my dignity. I was good to that man for 20 years, never once did I do anything to be ashamed of, not one infidelity.   There was no reason so many people had to act that way unless they just wanted to hurt me and create confusion and stress in my heart . I am supposed to be that woman who created all these problems for Darrell and messed him up . . therefore they needed to retaliate and circle around him and cast me out.  that’s their line. or at least Darrell’s line.  I think it’s the other way around . . and if it were ever really looked into it would reveal a very disturbing picture.  But some how i will survive.

Even if the majority of people here in Bellingham buy the propaganda about ‘all the stuff she did.  I have heard this and that story’    and insist on treating me socially like a joke they have ‘exposed’  I will survive.     It only tells me that these are people who are rather shallow and willingly conned, or seem to need a hated inferior . . and therefor not people with much greatness in them and no one I would want to be with.  Unfortunetly, the people who understand the great con the best are tricky people,and have a first hand familiarity with evil and deception. However, i still feel that love is the anecdote . . .and that it triumphs.  We all have the potential for nourishing and loving . . and destroying too.  I find happiness in nourishing the people I take care of.  The hugs i get from clients.

The oddities of the dudleys in the declining years.  I try to nourish myself . . it seems like a war . . between the parts of me that self nourish . . and the parts that self destruction, that tamp down the fullest expression of my own portion of universal light. But so it is.



I have lost friends the past few months . . . I feel that I am defending myself against, or taking a stand against people who have played with my life, or who may have alterior motives and i have not put energy into forging new friendships much, Ive been grumpy and dazed and rather closed with co workers.


May 30

Only a few minutes before work.  In a lot of pain in my back and hip this morning.  Hard to get walking and moving.  Pretty much all packed.  Ive been in constant contact with Darrell’s kin and i guess he was drinking a lot, got in a wreck, rolled his car, went to jail with Dallas.  At Olena’s advice, I moved some of darrell’s stuff over to my place for safe keeping.  She didn’t think, the way he was going, that he would be coming back.  Yesterday was the first day I finally got in touch with him.  He is drying out.  Will be coming back with his nephew. Which nephew i don’t know. I will be headed East when he gets here.  I am finally over all the emotional trauma and enjoying the quiet of my apartment the past few days.  The birds and plants have found a good home.  Most everything is in order.  I am still too fat, and still drinking too much on and off this month . . i wanted to go home as healthy and trim as i could but it will not be.  At least ui have some new clothes.  Darrell will probably pick up with his anger right where he left when he gets here . . . cussing me down for moving hi stuff over to my place . . . but he never bothered to call, no one around here told me what was going on with his plans, his place or anything up here . . .so i had to rely on what his aunt suggested.  he will have to come over and get his stuff.  he has a key.  people think i don’t already know what he really was up to with me and my world up here . . . I always knew, but it was useless to speak of it, even dangerous, and no one listened anyway so i adapted.  perhaps I made myself believe in a romeo and Juliet love story simply to deal with the reality.  But i was aware of darker energies, I never missed much.  Perhaps the attachment was a kind of Stockholm syndrome, perhaps it was real . . for most of the years i was up here it felt real, painfully real and as i have often said . . compared to what other people seemed to be doing . . Darrell seemed like my one human connection that made life sustainable.  Its funny now, when I do not find find myself thinking about the Sioux so much in comparison to the many years i sought thier goodwill . . now i actually have a much better and familier relation with his family.


June 31st

Got a nice letter from sister Kate. Wow.  Her life is so very different from Mine . . . so energetic, going to events, hikes, runs, concerts , dances and museums and vacations all the time.  Just watched Mike Moore’s doc.  I have to admit . . . he makes a compelling and entertaining documentary.  Norway . . Italy . . . France . . . Germany . . they finally got their approach to living right in comparison to miserable us.  Where do I go for vacation the past few years . . . central Minnesota!!  Trips across the rockies.  Did i ever do anything bold and new and exploratory the past few years.  Just obbess and travell down the same well worn paths . . why not strike out for the South West?  Go and see Chaco Canyon?  Why not go to Fing Italy?  Shoot i haven’t even been back to visit oregon . . not Even Seattle very much.  Wow.  Last night i went to Boudary Bay Bistro and Pub with some of my clients to watch them do a music thing.  Why the hell wasn’t i going out to Bounday Bay all the time?  Because . . . I would have had to go alone? Did i ever ask a co worker to out at Night? Or any of the tenents here?  Jack would have loved to go. Because i felt unpopular . . . and it felt awkward to go alone?    Because i was always tired at night?  Well . . that’s true.  Maybe i will go out to Boundary Bay tonight . . .Ill grab somebody to go with.

And i WILL strike out and make some road trips now  . . . I will go where no
Egerman has ever gone before. Before i kaput.  I will have a car . . i can go where i want.

June 5

St. Cloud.  It’s been hot. Thunderstorms tommarrow. I spent most of the day updating my resume, and listening to Moms fragmented remeniscences.  Put a nice dinner on the table. Dad said he would be going to an appointment in the morning and i replied;

“Don’t worry.  I’ll make sure she gets her medications.”

Mom went into kind of a growl . . .saying don’t treat me like a baby or I’ll . . THROW YOU OUT.  Jeez . . . I’ve hardly gotten here and already she’s starting her threats to throw me out . . . which is inevitable.  They ALWAYS do that . . .dispite all the talk about how much they want me to come back . . . good thing I didn’t let go of my place.  I was feeling pretty good, chatting at the dinner table like old times . . . forgetting what a pschological torture chamber my life really was behind closed doors . . . . Then she gets that smug look of satisfaction on her face once she’s had her moment of threat and bullying.  The sad thing is . . . . so many women are like that. The have that inner need to inflict pain . . . .My mother is not unique.  i saw sooooo much of this in Washington.  It’s evil. and you can always tell by the eyes . . . the look of smug satisfaction once the pain has been delivered.

Probably jealousy.  I made a nice dinner.  Dad liked it.  She always hated that.  Maybe I’ll go for a swim tonight. Im not hurt or anything . . . just irked that this k9ind of energy found it’s way into my head once again.  Tommarow I planned to look for work. I’m all set. Got a new hair cut and some excersise and rest.

Poor Dad.  One of his eyes is completely gone.  No sight at all.  He looks exhausted, yet he spends all of his day outside working in the yard.  Mom cannot be left alone much . . she can’t take her own medications.  IU don’t know what can I do . . .they wont hire any body but a blind man and a woman in full dementia . . still playing these stupid little games  it is pathetic.  I want to help them.  I was ready to try to make a go of it here in St. cloud for their sake, to be around them their time of need . . but i guess they will have to collapse into tragety because of these patterns they cannot abandon.

Why is it so important to throw Karen out?? Is that what my family lives for?  and it’s so sad to realize that there are so many people just like this.

Dad has promised me the car so I think I will talk to him tommarrow and ask if we can conclude the deal right away in case the inevitable . . .and pathetic . . . well your mother says . . it’s best you leave crap starts . . “what can i do, I have to live with her”

I know i can never ever return to St. Cloud for more than a few days . . . my family simply will not allow it.  I ought to go ahead with Darrell’s designs . . . he wants to in a sense conquer here . . he has a cousin here.  Perhaps i will go look her up.

I mean why bother to protect them because they’re blood.

Wednesday June 7th

Got resume’s finished. Ready to trot and give it a go.  Everything smoothed out . . i should learn by now not to let those moments that trigger a lifetime of trauma get the best of me.  They passed. We all had a pleasent evening.   Spent the evening cutting the grass and edging.  Today, i clean the toilets and showers. Post some resumes.  Called Darrell and asked him for a telephone number of a lady who was my co worker through the Co op and a good reference but he barked and yelled and cussed me for bothering him.  So much for contacting his cousin. Im on my own.  It’s all on me.  I need to be tough and on top of it.  if you try to to talk about or expose the establishment too much around here you already know what they will do . . .usually they beat me to it, Put some kind of horrific charecter demonization out as soon as i get to MN . . . but since i am quiet, I am hoping everyone else will be too. Besides, there is nothing I have to say at this point that the alternative media isn’t doing better. Everyone knows now about the Clinton crime family, the Satanic Pizza gate stuff now being addressed by the attorney general and not just conspiracy nonsense, the chem trails,the awfullness of celebrety culture, the bullshit of media, the death of journalism,  the extremety of the progressive sabotage, the extensive mind controll . . all this stuff that was considered proof of some kind of mentle illness on my part is now commen knowlege . . it is all coming out.  People DO get targeted.  But . . i really don’t care anymore.  My focus right now is be of help to my folks during a difficult time because they really need it and that is what family is supposed to do. So what . .sore spots from childhood, we all have them . . by the age of 60 we should be able to understand and master the emotions they trigger. We should be concious and pro active rather than re active.  So . . Im feeling pretty good this morning.  Healthy. Optomistic. What ever happens,happens.


Took Mom to a hair stylist this morning and she looks great, like the Mom i used to know.  I trimmed her nails too which were extremely long . . Jeez, she had looked like Miss Havesham for so long.  I cleaned up her private bathroom which was a hoarding nightmare, not to mention all th crap that was splashed everywhere.  She looks beautiful now and vibrant and smiles and when she smiles her big black eyes light up. . . Not so lost and neglected. She was pouting a little over lunch so i backed away from doing to much for the rest of the day.  Dad is out with the neighbor lady planting flowers in the flower garden they tend for the city. her name is Karen, and she is a master gardener.  What a charecter.  Ex school teacher i believe.  I like her.
They, and the many nieghbors that passed by to chat cracked me up with their joking and funny ways.  It is turning out to be a very restorative time. I truely am enjoying my time now.

June 9.  Got a call back on one of my resumes. Yeah. I was starting to feel down . . . Mom was all pouty this morning and sending out bad vibes, Dad and i had a chat about that and my plans. The little speech I anticipated rolled out pretty true to script . . but She seems happy again this afternoon and we enjoyed each other’s company over dinner. I bought fried chicken for lunch and made a teriyaki stir fry for dinner. Went for a swim. Sent out another application.   Perhaps She thought i was drinking on the sly because I kind of burrowed away during the evening.  I have to remember that these behaviors of hers are rooted in past experience with my drinking episodes . . even though I am on good behavior and it seems unreasonable now it has a basis in past history.  I WAS awfull to her sometimes.

June 21st.

Back in Bellingham.

What a miserable trip back! Hurt my hip in Butte.  Did not get the old car, as i was promised.  Mom made a big scene at Perkins when Dad told her i would be buying it.  She insisted she needed it for emergencys and that she could still drive, and would. She was gloating and saying “I won, I won”
Dementia or no dementia, it’s really selfish.  I guess she is sitting on about 60, 000 dollars squirreled away,she doesn’t help with expenses  and Dad cannot pay bills. Neither of them is supposed to drive . . . but there is always the promise of the old car, it’s used as bait and then withrawn . . . this is not the first time and I am angry at myself for even letting myself hope a little that it would be different. Thank god, i had the wisdom in my old age never to put all my eggs in one basket . . . I don’t do that anymore.  it has fucked up my life.  I alway keep something in reserve,a plan B or a bit of distrust.

At any rate I injured myself in Butte and so have not left the house much.  Darrell has been on pretty good behavior during his visits. Soaking up0 some backrubs and meals.  I have no expectations now.  Been watching back to back episodes of Genius, Better call Saul and Fargo. Playing my computer games and cooking up.  I will call Circle of Care today about going back to work but truthfully, I really need this time . . . I could perhaps, just live on S.S.A for a few months . . . catch up on my creative projects, jyust do some beading and listen to music and sew.


(later)Rep. Steve Scalise, the guy that was shot at the republican baseball game . . wasn’t he the main guy , a key player in the Pizzagate investigation??  I will have to look into it.



Was rehired by Circle Co op. Scattered shifts.  Off to the market.  Got Darrell a job and some break lights and new license plates.


Had a fun day in the sun. Ran into  numerous people i hadn’t seen in a long time. Amy Gasser, who was running for council woman sat across from me.  She annoyed me a little    last year when she was stumping for Bernie but her approach to local politics was much less confrontational this year. .  She is one of the people that got the tiny house thing going here in WA and has a background in social work so i questioned her about getting Darrell into a tiny house.  I guess they have one started in Lummi reservation and are planning one for Bellingham.  I got her on the phone with Darrell briefly.  She thought she could use her influence, or at least help push it along, but couldn’t guarantee.  It was rather interesting watching political rivals make their entrances and exits.  Thier opponent came by and was really acting like an asshole, really childish.  I guess really childish is in now and no longer an immediate disqualifier.   Here’s to a possible tiny house for Darrell . . .i hope it will, with summer’s ripening breath turn into a beauteous flower.


Been a hellova week. Shattered shifts and no time, a lot of hip pain and asthma. Feeling better today however.  Tommarrow I go to Seattle to see Kate .  I have not seen my sister in about 20 years. Im rather excited about it despite our sometimes troubled past.

Kater can be a lot of fun because she is so active and interested in so many things.  She’s really into her friendships . . to a fault perhaps and does a lot of social things with them.  We are quite different that way.

things should be easier next week, now that i have a fixed part time schedual that leaves me a few days off.  My clients are glad to see me.


SHIT. My new phone is already dead in the water.  That’s two phones  in 3 weeks.  How will I connect with Kate in Seattle?? Well I am going to go to Seattle any way and if she cant find me then she cant find me.  It sucks that there are no more public phones any more . You would think that if we live in a society able to produce the tech of a smart phone then they could do something to make them even a little bit more water resistant. It was herb tea, a splash of it that killed my new new phone.  Not beer slopped in a drunken stupor . . . don’t understand it.  I had fewer mishaps and accidents when I was drinking.  Its been one accident after another since i came back from MN.  I fell twice on my sore hip, that’s 3 falls total that kept me in constant pain. and I lost two phones due to carelessness.  I bet i don’t even connect with Kate in Seattle . . .just one more in string of things that break, fall, get lost, go wrong.  Oh, I forgot . . . I made up a nice dinner and was going to bring it over to Darrells whom I have not visited at his home since i returned.  Of course, the bag broke enroute, sending mashed potatoes, saurkraut and kielbasa all over the street.

Im sick too. Asthma and chest cold have me down.

Not drinking at all this month has made it possible for me to weather successfully the heartbreak and disappointment of my journeys, the heartbreak of the break up of everything I held onto in my personal world, parents, Darrell . . , also the stress of economic insecurity . . .

Yesterday i found myself at the top of a large winding hill halfway to Deming, In a home on  a balcony overlooking the region. Viewing my world from the top.  I was assisting a retired phyisican . Once my writting about this same region, describing the very bottom, and all the dark underside was despised by very sorts of people I now watch movies with . Life is funny.  I am finding I very much enjoy the company of my client who is worldly and bright and full of personality.  Perhaps life closes one hand to open another.

How much I once loved my boy, through the tragedies and hardships. Stood by and protected him during the dark night of the soul . . Marine park, and the streets.  But he forgot all that.  He chose non stop anger and  abuse the past years.  And his path crashed in Standing Rock not long ago. The car done for.  I still have all the pictures opn my walls from the days when the nest nourished his art. When it was a place of refuge. Proof of spirit.

We are living in a different time now.  And Trump is its embodyment . . both the left and right created him over the past 15 years. The media created what they now profess to despise.  He IS America.


Yesterday was a rough one. Healing but emotionally challenging.  That’s a p.c. term . . ‘challenged’. it mean retarded but we don’t use that term in the caretaking profession.

Kate , Fred and I met by the bronze pig at the Saturday market.  It has been 19 years.  I really should not have gone to Seattle in the shape i was in, asthma challenged, I was in misery and had no inhaler.  The hip too was giving me a lot of pain on the ride down. Unlike my trip to MN to see family where i spent a lot of time and effort looking my best and being at my best, by the time i got to Seattle i was looking my worst, I was weak and dazed by the struggle for oxygen.  I hadn’t excersised for almost two weeks.  i was extremely tired from work.  Kate however, was radient with athletic good health. She  has grown quite pretty with time and self care.  Love makes all the difference it seems and she and her husband obviously have a happy and healthy marraige.  They are both funny and smart.  We had lunch at one of the places a little less known for it’s chowder and less crowded but considered by local references to be the best in the Seattle chowder wars.  All the chowder houses were out hawking and had long lines .Not ours.   The razor clam chowder i had was awesome.

We exchanged gifts. I gave Fred a pair of obnoxioux american flag swim trunks for the 4th of July. Kate i bought some essential oils for with the scents of indiginous trees. At the very least, they make a good bug repellent. I in turn received some homemade apple butter . . much prized.  We headed over to Elliot Park  for a bit after that . . and who did we approach but Dallas, Darrel’s brother.  At least i think it was Dallass. he had Dallass features and walk.  I gave him several quizzingly looks but he did not acknowlege me so I did not stop and speak to him.  What was i supposed to say? Kate Fred . . . this is Dallas. Dallass  . . this is my visiting family from New York.  But what a moment eh. If they had only known it . . but i was determined to show Kate and Fred a pleasent time and not to bring up anything disturbing. Reality has a way of showing up though doesn’t it . . forcing it’s way into our fictions. Kate, Fred and i took some pictures . . headed down to 1st street and checked out world spice where i bought some exotic spices . . .this alone makes the trip to Seattle satisfying to me. That, and the delicious rye breads over in the Sanitation market area.

We did the tourist walk down Alaskan Boulavard and then i left them to enjoy a little time on their own  before they headed out.  We did not talk of family problems, mom and Dad stuff, or any of my  . . er . . . problems.  I talked about my work mostly and they told me about their trips and travels and it was rather fun.

By the time I reached the grey hound station however my body was breaking down. I was  so eager to get home and rest.  Everytime I coughed I peed.  I look my zzzz quil when i got home and some cough medicine and i actually feel much better this morning.

I wish i could have been at my best in Seattle, bright eyed and bushytailed the way i was in St. Cloud, instead of my dragging, peeing, bloated worst in Seattle. What must Dallas have thought i wondered when he spotted what was obviously my sister, her husband and i myself walking up to Elliot bay park, She radient, me a washed up old frump. Did he think of those days 19 years ago . . when i first approached Elliot Park in the company of himself and his brothers? Then, pictures were taken with him making the victory sign over my head. and this time, 19 years later, pictures were taken, with Kate making a victory sign over my head.

What could have happened if I had acknowleged him. Insisted on introducing everyone. It would have ‘disturbed’ Kate’s holiday for sure . . and perhaps it should have in the final analysis.  But I chose peace.  Truthfully . . . i don’t think he really gave a shit one way or the other.  It was never very personal or passionet with him the way the ‘vendetta’ as i called it was with others who high jacked it in the aftermath of the initial spotlighting event . . . including Kate.

At one point I ran into a Tibetan man in monks robe selling bracelets. He did not seem to understand English , other than ‘donation’ and communicated by signs. He showed me a book with photos of the monestary and how much people were donating to the Tibetan cause when they bought one of his bracelets. 20 bucks a bracelet . . and i had been fiddling for a 5 buck donation . . .so what the hell,I gave him 20. it’s just money.  He prayed over me.  Then he put another bracelet on my arm and wanted another 20 . I said no and dropped the bracelet and he cursed  in irratation.  He probably was not a monk. But what the hell . . I recognized by the time he asked for 20 that it was probably a con . . but it was such a clever con,and I do appreciate a clever con act  so it was worth the 20.  He deserved it.  Kate and Fred chided me for this . . . he played you they said.  As if I were too witless to recognize this.  That seems to be a popular perspective these days . . Karen was ‘played’ . . like a violin. that implies stupidity in comparison to the person making the statement . . as if they were aware and above it, incapible of being played. Not fools.

That was never the real story.  If anyone looks through my old journals it was always i who was trying to wake people up who I saw were being played ‘like violins’. It certianly was true here in Bellingham .I wrote a lot about the game being played at the street level and the criminal bargain as i called it with political and social engineering forces  . . But if it gives people comfort to believe what they believe, so be it.  that’s done now.

I have my little bracelet of prayer beads to wear as a souvenir . I made peace with all my old enimies and let everything pass into the fog of the past. I was blessed and then cursed by a Tibetan monk/charletan.  I came home peeing and whimpering but i came home. to another day.  another doughnut.


We toure
















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